Insomnia insight

[@blktegs]

You have some of the best advice thank you

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

😊🙏

[@donaldstokes.3014]

Great episode Daniel! I do think hyperarousal is the main culprit in insomnia.even if I have a strong sleep drive hyperarousal always wins😩i it’s trying to get hyperarousal down with not trying which can be hard☹️😞

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Exactly, it's always the hyperarousal that is the real culprit even when it feels like "what, I'm not even anxious, I just don't ever feel sleepy?!". And the tricky part, hyperarousal gets stronger the more you actively try to lower it... but once this sinks in, good things happen! This virtuous circle of trying less, accepting more, being less hyperaroused, being more ok with hyperarousal etc - that is the way.

[@johnlee1511]

Hey Donald, how goes it with the hyperarousal?

[@donaldstokes.3014]

@@johnlee1511 it’s much better these days just have the odd night when it happens.

[@johnlee1511]

@@donaldstokes.3014 If you don't mind me asking, what were the things that helped you with it? I feel this is one of my last hurdles, when I go to bed and sleepiness starts to fade because of hyperarousal, 1/5 nights I would be able to get a few hours of sleep, otherwise I get no sleep and just lay there till morning. I also don't feel nervous, I try to just lay there and relax but sleepiness and sleep remain illusive. Maybe I am observing to an extent? but what else can I do, I feel like I already accept the hyperarousal. Thanks

[@donaldstokes.3014]

@@johnlee1511 Try to do a thought download before bed.Do it early evening right all the things down on paper and read them back to yourself.Don’t just lie there and be frustrated that will make your hyperarousal get stronger get up or even just sit up in bed and do something you enjoy like read a book something that distracts your brain from your hyperarousal.Also accept your thoughts turn them around and make fun of them joke a little to yourself. But the one thing you should never do is just lie in bed and be frustrated that definitely makes your hyperousal stronger.And just accept everyone has hyperarousal from time to time. Keep watching Daniels KZbin channel and I’m sure you’ll get better. Best of luck!! Let me know how you get on.

[@kesscheptoris9384]

My ears and head are paining because of 0 sleep for months i had improved daniel but am back to square one will i overcome this ,i need urgent help daniel am scared of death

[@sdftyuiouytrew]

Daniel, how do you rid yourself of a secondary attachment when it's to something more significant e.g. 'I must get a good sleep tomorrow to perform well in my exam tomorrow'? Thanks.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Sam, I think it’s being okay - not necessarily with the outcome we fear, but being okay with having the fear of that outcome

[@arjungautam3263]

Good insight daniel

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Thanks Arjun!!

[@scarlettfreedom3629]

I've never had a day where I don't suffer with fatigue, chronic weakness and inability to function from lack of sleep. What do I do in this case, when I have zero memories that mg health was ok and I was functioning without sleep.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Scarlett, this is tough clearly... it’s easier for someone who’s had times where they slept little and felt ok... I would say that a starting point can be to look at outliers. Not days when you felt refreshed, but when you felt just a tiny bit less weak/tired/dysfunctional than you expected given how little you slept. It may only be this one single time, this one single outlier, this one single crack in a belief system that can start a chain reaction! Once the pressure to sleep comes off just a tiny bit, then this really helpful loop when you sleep a little better, feel a little better, feel a little less pressure to sleep etc can happen!

[@SeongkuanWang]

Dr, I literally got fever from not being able to fall asleep two nights in a row. How can I possibly lose the attachment since I experience the direct negative consequence from the lack of sleep?

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Seong, I’ll say it’s so much about fear. When we are scared of fever, then it can seem very important to sleep so we don’t experience fever, and the pressure to sleep then keeps us up. When the fear isn’t there, we can still of course not want to have a fever, but we go “okay, I don’t want a fever but if I do then I’ll rest and take it easy” - and when the pressure fades it’s easier and easier

[@RadhikaNanda-k1d]

Hi there, but what if you don’t have the option to rest as you’re on a 5 day work trip so the pressure is high?

[@ToroBravo-qu7ed]

I've been understanding this concept, but my nervous system doesn't want to let go 😔

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hang in there TB, and check the North Star episode from this week, I think it can help.

[@ToroBravo-qu7ed]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Thank you so much for all your content. I'll go check that out.

[@chiara3099]

Hi Daniel! My biggest secondary attachment has to be the fear of going crazy, or that my phisycal and mental health gets really bad because of lack of sleep. The problem is that i have much less anxiety now. I do sleep better and longer in general, but not as before. I usually sleep 4 hours and when i wake up i think about how there will be light in my room in a bit and i gotta close the curtains, or how i will hear my sister waking up early to go to school... its like i have hyperarousal in the morning... Tonight i didnt sleep at all and i was so long since it last happened... and i dont really have a particular reason for it. I just somehow couldnt relax and couldnt stop thinking how my sister and mom would have to wake up even earlier this morning to go to the hospital. The problem is not that i lost one night of sleep, but that i think i will have another few days of very poor sleep because when i have a couple bad nights the attachment returns back.... Does this sound familiar to you? Im so scared im never getting out of this cycle...

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Thea! Thanks for sharing and, yes it does sound very familiar. This secondary attachment of "going crazy" is actually very common although, that has never happened. Paradoxically, it rarely helps telling someone that they can't go crazy because, the brain always finds a way to maintain a belief that it thinks is important for safety. So, I think often going in the direction of acceptance and willingness is the way. In retrospect I wonder why I didn't include this in the video? Anyways, it is probably the hardest but most effective way. It would be saying, "ok, so what if I go crazy, what would that really be like?". And then imagining what being crazy would be like, in as much detail as possible. Remember, the brain is always trying to keep us safe, and it feels a strong need to warn us about all kinds of things. But when we show it that we are willing to experience X, it no longer has a reason to warn us about X and it stops. And when you sleep little for no particular reason, looking for the reason more than anything get's you stuck. Like Coach Michael said the other day, the minute the night ends, it's already in the past. You are getting out of the cycle right now Thea. And when you are out, you may say, hmm I thought getting out of it was going to mean a sudden end to all the anxiety -- but it's much more about being ok with it, accepting that we always have it but it can be in the passenger seat, not the driver's seat. You are doing fantastic thought work.

[@chiara3099]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 thank you so much Daniel, you dont know how happy it is for me to hear these words. I dont wanna "jinx" it, and believe that everything will be a-ok (because it wont), but i too believe i am getting better. And I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for this channel💕

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Love reading these lines!! So happy you found it 👍👍 Talk soon!

[@blktegs]

This is me! Exact same you are not alone

[@jimweideman6336]

Yesterday, in the NYT, there was an article about why we need our sleep. It stated that ‘possibly’ if we do not get at least 6 hrs/nt that dementia could result because the brain needs that time to “wash out the amyloid plaque that collects in the brain”. Certainly a factor here, unless you can refute.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Jim, Thanks much for the suggestion, this is probably THE most common health concern that comes up. Now, on the topic of refuting, there was a really nice refutation of the wash out idea that we talk about in Heard online 32. Do check it! We have other heard online episode as well on memory and sleep, so I think we’ve covered this quite well. But, do please send heard online recommendations!

[@jimweideman6336]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Thanks! Much appreciated!

[@jimweideman6336]

Perhaps this could be on “heard on line”. If sl please let me know.

[@lukeq4763]

That’s is so true. Secondary attachment is the main thing that’s bothering me. I have been suffered from anxiety disorder for about 5 months, and it all began with several restless nights. The first two month was terrible,now the symptoms of anxiety disorder are almost gone(I still have tight throat, and sometimes the back of my head feels tight too), when I can’t fall asleep, I always feel anxious about what if my anxiety disorder comes back?

[@lukeq4763]

I’ve went trough a lot of your videos(which is a big challenge for me since I basically learned my English trough video games), and your ideas are really helpful! Thanks a lot Daniel ! There is a huge problem with me that, during the daytime I’m confident and have positive attitude. But during those sleepless nights, even if I keep telling myself it’s ok, just read a book or something, deep down I still feel anxious. That’s so weird.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Luke, You’re writing so well in English! And I’m so happy you’re learning here. And you know, this can help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/d5fHf3VmpZd3j5Y

[@valerie963]

@@lukeq4763how have you been doing luke??

[@kmowiu]

Daniel, Thank you for the videos. Your thoughts on having a paradigm shift towards how one approaches sleep make total sense and I'm working on it. Breaking attachment seems a little easier said than done. I'm looking for some guidance on what would be best to do at night to occupy ones mind/time? If one is going to get into the mind set of not caring or being attached, clearly they will need things to occupy themselves. I'm under the belief that usage of screens should be stopped by a certain time, even reading can be frowned upon in some circles. At midnight, options are pretty limited. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Kevin! Thank you so much for the kind words and these are some great questions. Before I forget I would say do you take a look at talking insomnia 84. Kristen who is the guest shares that’s a big breakthrough for her was actually when she started enjoying Netflix shows in the evening. In bed! This to me really shows how it is the idea that we need some types of rules and regulations that is what creates struggle. When we do things that we enjoy without any regard to sleep, then sleep can happen all by itself because there’s no pressure. And I think it is the same when it comes to attachment and mindset. Education I think it’s really helpful, because when we don’t understand well then things are super confusing. But again, if we’re looking for some way to proactively or will fully or in some controlled way change our mindset, we will have a struggle. Because mindsets happens automatically on a subconscious level. So as unsatisfying as it may sound, I think what really helps is to let detachment change myself. Because trying to break an attachment makes it stronger. Did this make sense?

[@kmowiu]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 It does. Thank you and I’ll also check out that video you suggested.

[@Learnenglishwithjessy]

Coach Daniel, my biggest worry is to get depression and general anxiety because of less sleep . How true is this . Pls help

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Hamida, These are common worries and the way I see it is that all the struggles come from trying to escape perceived threats like emotions that become stronger the more we try to avoid them

[@tuhinpasha6151]

It's hard to give up secondary thoughts 😢

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

It’s not an easy path.. it’s counterintuitive, but in some way, things can only be hard when we try something with effort, when we let thoughts be, they float away by themselves

[@kesscheptoris9384]

Daniel am not sleeping at all on 0 sleep my head is bursting

[@karumanchikrishna1109]

Hi Daniel, I’ve commented previously and thanks for your response. I think I’ve made more progress as whenever I wake up around 4 (I don’t know exactly tbh because I don’t look at the time now) I’m quite calm and relaxed. I don’t really go back to sleep because I don’t really feel the need to and I’m fine being awake. I still wake up around that time every day though. Would this cycle of being calm every time a week soon lead to not noticing this awakening and immediately going back to bed? Earlier I would get extremely anxious and ruin my morning, now that does not happen.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi! So glad to read these lines 😊 and yes, I fully believe you’ll see more and more peaceful sleep as you continue on this path of letting things be. It’s a bumpy path, don’t be discouraged when things get a bit yo-yo like, but yes I very much see how you’ll just see more and more peace overall 😊

[@karumanchikrishna1109]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 okay, thanks! I actually slept a solid 8 hours last night hahahaha you have helped so much!

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

So glad to read this 😊! Now keep in mind, the brain often tries to figure out how you slept 8 hours and do it all over again… not realizing that it was the magic of not doing anything! It can take a little time before this sinks in, it can be a bit bumpy, but you’re definitely on the path to not having any struggle with sleep 😊

[@karumanchikrishna1109]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 okay! I’ve realised acceptance of bumps is key as well no secondary attachments as you said. I believe this is a just phase and I am now climbing back up the hill. This bumpy road will end soon and tbh I’m able to do my college work on 5.5 hours -6 hours of a sleep a day, it really doesn’t frustrate me now

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

This is the way 😊 When you’re no longer frustrated when there’s some unpleasant thing happening, you’ll soon find everything fall into place

[@josephvlogsdon]

I definitely have some attachments. As a writer, I’m afraid that if I don’t sleep, my writing will sound incoherent. When I self-edit, I constantly worry that lack of sleep will cause me to overlook typos and mistakes.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Thanks Joseph, excellent example. And you know, to use this example to contextualize the video - detective work would be to show someone your work after a night of little sleep and more sleep, the unedited work, and see if they can tell a difference. Another approach, the thought work approach, that would be to say "ok, which thought helps me the most, thinking that sleep is critical or thinking that I can do fine on little sleep" and then work towards the thought that is most helpful. Thanks again for this comment, hope the video and this contextualization helps! What do you write by the way?

[@josephvlogsdon]

The Sleep Coach School I write fiction books. I try to make my writing descriptive and poetic, but after a night of poor sleep, that can be difficult.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Mm I can see this for sure... do you do any writing at night, many say they are creative in the evening or even at night? And, do you ever take a power nap?

[@josephvlogsdon]

The Sleep Coach School I like writing at night, but occasionally, I will write earlier in the day. Most of the time, I write in two hour sessions. I’ve been taking naps on the couch about an hour before bed. I find that the naps make me groggier when entering the bedroom, but sadly, this has caused me to develop neck pain. Sometimes, I will accidentally sleep for more than an hour, which makes it harder for me to sleep.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Joseph Logsdon Got it, several challenges... sometimes those naps can be refreshing and take pressure off (less pressure to sleep at night as you slept a little bit daytime) but yes, can also make you more groggy.. Can’t think of anything particular here except - be in touch here and keep learning! I’m hopeful you’ll find something helpful here...

[@zsuzsannaorthodoxouknitwear]

Hi Daniel! I was wondering if you have a video about sleep maintenance insomnia? I sleep, but I weak up early in the morning 4 or 5 and I feel like I didn’t sleep at all:-( Thank you in advance and Merry Christmas 🎄, Zsuzsa

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Zsuzsanna! Thanks for the question and merry Xmas to you! You know, what’s actually the most important thing is to know that although one can experience insomnia in many ways, they all come from hyperarousal. So really, all the teaching here applies to maintenance insomnia, paradoxical insomnia, anticipatory insomnia, onset insomnia, you name it! In fact, thinking that you have a special kind of insomnia truly stands in your way of sleeping well. This said, there are some practical things for what to do when awake at night! What should you do when you wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning? 1. How many times have you woken up, checked the time, and felt a wave of relief? And how many times have you seen what time it is and then started calculating - how much you’ve slept, how much time you have left to sleep and, how much you would sleep in total if you just fell asleep now?! Checking the time almost always leads to calculating and more pressure to sleep! So resist the urge! This is a very powerful act of letting go of control. 2. Acknowledge that you are awake. This may sound silly but it’s important. If you try to fight reality and make yourself sleep and you’re not accepting that you are awake, then you’ll have more frustration and more wakefulness. And by the way acknowledging is different from resignation. It’s kind of like saying it’s 72° outside it’s just like stateing fact. 3. This is probably the most important - befriend wakefulness! When you have had trouble sleeping, the brain has started seeing wakefulness at night as a threat. And this is why insomnia happens! When you teach it that being awake actually isn’t a threat, it can’t harm you, you start sleeping much better! So how does befriending wakefulness work? When you wake up at night try to see how you feel. If you are comfortable in bed and you can easily think of something pleasant then just stay in bed. You’ll probably sleep soon enough. If you are not easily distracted by your own thoughts, if you feel annoyed, then it’s important to do something that you enjoy. You can read a book or watch some Netflix in bed or outside of the bad. Whatever makes you feel least pressured and that you have the most pleasure. I know it’s hard when you want to be asleep, but it’s really important. Something that often comes up is, wouldn’t that make me more awake? It could. And that’s kind of the point! Insomnia happens because you’re trying to escape wakefulness. So when you do things that teach your brain that you are OK with being awake, everything changes. When your mind sees that being awake even at night is not a threat or an enemy, it becomes less excited when you’re awake at night and it allows you to sleep again. Hope this helps!

[@zsuzsannaorthodoxouknitwear]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 THANK YOU SO MUCH, I really appreciate your reply! Yes, you’re right, the first thing I do when I weak up is start counting how many hours I slept:-) I need to calm down by following your advices 🤗 You’re a BIG HELP Daniel! ♥️

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Anytime!! So happy it made sense and thank you for the support!!

[@DanielSmith-bt2cb]

Hello Daniel. I have temporal lobe epilepsy, and sleep deprivation brings on symptoms which interfere with my cognition. On 7-8 hours of restful sleep, I am mentally capable of studying for a computer science degree and envisaging a future working as a programmer. With short or unrestful sleep, I am unable to focus on anything or grasp abstract concepts because of constant epileptic auras which are extremely unpleasant and disrupt my thinking and memory. I am only capable of tasks which require no mental exertion and the whole day is ruined. I've been watching your videos and it has helped make sense of how I developed chronic insomnia, but my secondary attachment, as you call it, is real. If I do not get sufficient sleep, a neurological disorder makes it impossible to do anything that is rewarding to me, i.e. intellectually stimulating. The future I imagine is made impossible. Changing the epilepsy medication is not an option. All I have to work with are my thoughts. This is always the thing I cannot let go of because it is real and has enormous implications for my future. And for quality of life the next day. What would you suggest when someone's sleep fears are entirely rational?

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Daniel, Thanks for sharing this insightful question. I’d say the following: sometimes I’ve been asked “Daniel, what if a series of large randomized studies showed that sleep deprivation actually caused a health problem?” Let’s say hypertension just to have an example. My reply then has been that it actually doesn’t change anything principle wise. If we went “oh, so now it actually is really important that I sleep” we will sleep less. So the way to meet this hypothetical scenario would be something like “yes, my risk of having hypertension is higher, but if I resist this I will have more struggles, so a willingness to face this circumstance with acceptance, this will help”. Something like this. So in summary I’d say they many circumstances can make it more difficult to be willing to have this uncertainty about whether we sleep well or not any given nigh, but befriending uncertainty and our anxiety can help.

[@DanielSmith-bt2cb]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Thanks for the reply! I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

So glad 🙂!

[@superoli5308]

Hello sir Daniel, I want to say that your channel is one of my greatest source of hope and reassurance that things will be alright in the right time. I just want to ask that 1.) I think I have the education in regards with sleep in reference to your book and your lovely channel. I have some improvements in anxiety but my sleep doesn’t seem to have some improvements some days I got 3hrs only of sleep and some not sleeping at all. Secondly, Is this part of the journey by experiencing sleepless nights? Thirdly, I have been experiencing sleepless nights and it seems I am not scared of it as it was before! Is this something to look forward? I am really hoping I’ll be able to have your responses. I am dealing insomnia for 2 months now and I think I am fortunate enough I found your channel at this early stage of struggling. Thank you so much! Much love from Phils! 🇵🇭

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi SO, Thanks much for the support 😊 and yes, when the fear fades, everything does follow

[@Cl4rendon]

Finding the remedy is so painstaking, going through thousands of videos, literature and experts who take ages getting to the point, if there even is one... I`m sorry if i sound frustrated, but i`m close to the point of jumping from a high building....There`s tons of advise that just don`t approach me. I dont do any medication i just want my life back and sleep like i did last year.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

I hear, and I know it can sound odd coming from someone who’s created hundreds of videos but the remedy in a way is so simple… it’s abandoning the problem solving… then when we aren’t trying, everything comes back by itself

[@criceny]

I have trouble sleeping once or twice a week.especially on Sunday night before work on Monday. It can be very frightening. Part of me wants to lie up in bed all day but that just makes me feel worse. It takes a lot of courage to go to work after no sleep and all the fear and angst. However I just go anyway. I always feel better because it gives me the opportunity to show up for myself and not jump ship. .it isn't easy but I must rewire my brain.. i am not into stages of chronic insomnia yet but I know I need to address this now and not fall back into old patterns of taking benzos and beating myself up. I don't tell anyone at work I have not slept. I find this is not helpful. I heard a woman give testimonyial about not letting insomnia win and interfere with her life. You have to be courageous. If I don't sleep then I make self love a priority also. I am tired of beating myself up about itvand feeling like a freak or failure. Your videos are very helpful and empowering. I am doing my best to educate myself and challenge myself also. Thank you. I find comfort in hearing other people's stories. It gives me hope. It helps me become empowered. Insomnia is an opportunity to learn and grow. I have struggled with this for years. I am willing to give up the struggle 😊

[@Learnenglishwithjessy]

Does lack of sleep causes depression?

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

I’ve never seen evidence of this. But often we try to escape sadness and then become more sad, similarly the more we try to achieve sleep the less we sleep

[@tashwarner6517]

I feel like I may be on the final frontier. I seem to have no probs going to sleep anymore. It's just that I wake up maybe a couple of hours after and rarely go back to sleep. For eg asleep 10:30 awake maybe 1 then awake until 5:30am when I have to get up. I didn't look at the clock for over 3 months and then for week I did, this didn't stress me out but gave me confirmation on the fact I'm waking religiously at around the same same every night. ( I am back to not looking at the clock) Anyway I read etc when I wake, but nothing. I'm calm butI don't know how to be ok about it not going away. I feel so awful the next day. When you say make friends with wakefullness it seems impossible because if you have had hardly any sleep you have to ignore pain in a way. If I was sleeping maybe 5 hours I could probably do it. But it feels like a never ending cycle. There has to be some comparision in trying to making friends with starvation verses a person being a little hungry. Similarly a person being a bit tired verses a person running on little to nothing. To be clear I'm talking about feeling horrible the next day and it just being endless, not the desire to sleep. I feel that the amount of sleep you are getting hugely affects making friends with wakefullness...I'm certain this may be my downfall and I just don't know how to get past it.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Tash, thanks for being in touch. And I’m glad to read that you’re not having any problems going to sleep. That’s encouraging as if you were very scared of being awake, it would surely be difficult to fall asleep. It sounds to me as the significant fatigue, feeling awful may be a reason you want to sleep longer (naturally!). Still, the more awful you feel, the more pressured you will be to sleep and the less you’ll sleep. Did you watch the episode about concern about committing a type two error? I think that’s a very good one for anyone who is just wondering why they are getting a minimal amount of sleep despite being calm. And then back to secondary attachment - it’s really tough but, I don’t think there is any other way than to detach how much of what you feel daytime to amount of sleep. It’s only when you feel less pressured to sleep that you sleep more... Hang in there Tash! I’m thinking always about you and a some others in a very similar spot.. so far I haven’t figured out the insight or teaching that could make a big difference- but I’m always working towards that.

[@Grievance-Grief]

I want to sleep more so I can get proper muscle recovery so I don’t lose the gains I got from all my hard work .. and I feel like I’ve wasted money on all these supplements all this money perfecting my diet … damn, all of these thoughts are just adding more and more pressure

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hang in there, it’s a lot of misinformation out there, and of course listen to yourself as for what you learn here but - we’ve found no evidence that you’ll lose gains or not have proper muscle recovery with little sleep. It’s when we think so that we get pressured as you said, and when we see we can do just fine even with less sleep the pressure fades and we sleep well. Rooting for you

[@Grievance-Grief]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 thank you so much, have had 2 semi decent nights so far and I hope it can continue but if it doesn’t go perfectly .. that’s fine too.. honestly from the bottom of my heart, I am so appreciative.. you could be hiding all this valuable info behind a paywall but you didn’t do that … 🙌

[@labemolmineur]

I have to ask this, because it's driving me crazy. You often mention education. In my case, education has made my anxiety much worse. You say there are no studies, but there are actually many studies that have demonstrated all the effects that even a little sleep deprivation does to our cognitive and bodily functions, to every single one of them. As someone whose work requires maximal concentration (pianist), I feel these effects and have felt them over the years, even before having insomnia, and they are not "all in my head". After reading "Why We Sleep", I can't unknow all that I know. I preached the book for years to all those around me and made many important lifestyle changes, but now, several years after reading it, I see that my anxiety has skyrocketed on the whole, and part of me hates the author for his lack of empathy. But he doesn't say anything that's not true, and I'm not someone who would rather not know. I can't ignore it. Less sleep does cause countless problems. It does make me less alert, it makes remembering more difficult, it makes depression deteriorate, and for me, it makes sight-reading (playing music at sight, an important part of my work) very difficult and also less enjoyable. I know some thoughts aren't "helpful", but how can you get rid of them if they are based on science? I want to fully trust sleep restriction as a therapy for insomnia, for example, but I am desperate to see real evidence that the benefit in the long term will be worth the (small?) harm I will be doing to my body and my brain in the short term. A very respected sleep medicine textbook says on one page, "All these studies suggest that when time in bed for sleep is restricted to less than 7 hours per night in healthy adults (aged 21 to 64 years) for multiple nights, cumulative deficits in a variety of cognitive performance functions can accumulate. In addition, these deficits can be similar to those seen after 1 night or even 2 nights of total sleep deprivation. (...) Self-reported mood, sleepiness, and fatigue do not parallel the continuing decline in cognitive performance associated with nightly restriction of sleep to 7 hours or less." And then, some chapters later, it says that one of the key points to communicate to patients is, "Do not give too much importance to sleep. (...) Do not catastrophize after a poor night’s sleep. Insomnia is very unpleasant, but it is not necessarily dangerous to health." Excuse me, you just contradicted yourself. I don't believe this. I don't want to be lied to. If sleep is not important, then why do we all want to sleep better? Why do we want to cure insomnia, and why do you work as a sleep coach and are passionate about making people's lives better? If the sole consequence of poor sleep is feeling "sleepy", why is it a serious health issue? I want honest science. I want a "goal thought" that is not a lie. I don't want to be told, "but you don't sleep anyway"- my sleep is very fragmented and non-restorative, and it has made my life miserable and makes me live with a constant headache, but I don't want to be content with 6 hours of sleep. Less than two years ago, I used to sleep a healthy 8 hours without alarms and without sleep aids and wake up fresh and excited about life. I want that back. I trust that I need to have courage, and I know these thoughts will not get me anywhere better in terms of sleep, but I don't know how to suppress them or get rid of them without being dishonest- I can't "force" myself to unbelieve facts and I yearn for something that acknowledges those facts but shows in a scientific, honest way why something will be even more beneficial and restorative in the long term. Sorry for sharing this, I hope it makes some sense. Thank you.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi there and thank you so much for sharing this. I think there are so many questions and thoughts are that will really help the community to go over. We have the question of facts, studies, science. We have a question of what to believe. We have the question of having experienced how we feel after not sleeping and then also be told that sleep doesn’t matter so much. We have this conflict and the friction here. We also have the paradox of wanting something less and not being able to willfully change our thoughts. There’s so much here that could really really help to talk about. I would say that to start with, I would like to point to two things. Firstly, there’s an excellent essay by Alexey Guzey. If you Google his name and “why we sleep” I think you’ll find this very very helpful. In this essay, he examined the first chapter of Why we sleep and you see that the “facts” aren’t facts at all. He was actually a guest on this channel, if you search his name on KZbin you’ll find the episode. I think this can really help. The second thing here was some thing I think of as the difference between wanting something and the desire for something. All humans want to sleep well, this is entirely normal! We never hear someone say they don’t want to sleep well. So not wanting to sleep well isn’t a goal by any means! Now, here’s the thing though, there’s a difference between wanting something and having a Desire for something. When we Desire something, when we crave it, hope for it, beg for it, then there’s a lot of attachment and pressure. And we probably won’t have that which we Desire. Now if we want something on the other hand, there’s not much attachment. We want something, but if don’t get it that time, that’s ok. No pressure. Oh yes and one final thing here, I think it can really really help to see were all the battle scars come from. Do look at episode 346 where we go over this. Here’s a summary: - When you are struggling with sleep you often feel bruised and battered. Your eyes may be sore and itchy. You may have pain in your body. You may feel nauseous and drained. You may feel physically ill. You’re anxious and maybe scared. This is of course very unpleasant (!) so it’s important to see where this comes from in order to suffer less. Here’s the thing, the above experiences are what we call battle scars. The painful eyes and headaches and nausea are evidence of something important, that there was a battle. But not that there was an adversary! In fact, there is not threat or enemy. Insomnia comes from trying to defeat or escape (fight or flight) the perceived threat of wakefulness! The battle scars prove that there was a battle, they come from the battle, but there’s no opponent. The key insight here is that when the battle ends, the scars will disappear. When you no longer try to sleep or figure out why you’re not sleeping, when you abandon the battle, these experiences will cease to occur. Now, how do you do that? How do you abandon the battle? Education is the first step. By learning you’ll naturally see less and less reasons to struggle. You’re already doing this so just keep it up 👍👍 But what’s even more important is self-kindness. Many who have trouble sleeping are very hard on themselves. And this is a problem because you can easily get stuck! If you’re hard on yourself and you think that you shouldn’t feel this way, you kind of even blame yourself for being this tired or hurting this much, you think it is odd, you think that there’s something wrong with yourself. And if you think there’s something wrong with yourself or what you’re doing, you can again easily get stuck and it seems like things are hopeless. So when you’re hurting, think of how you would talk to a friend who feels this way. You would be encouraging and warm and perhaps give them a hug and say something nice. Always try to talk to yourself that way when you are suffering! When you’re not being hard on yourself for what you’re experiencing, when you are kind to yourself, you easily see that you’re not the problem. You’ve just had trouble sleeping that’s all. And when you see that you’re not the problem you feel hopeful and as you abandon the battle, those battle scars will go away. - I know this was a lot at once but again there was so much here that I thought could be helpful to talk about hear. This said, let me know if this makes sense and then, if you would like to ask questions one by one I promise I’ll answer them to the best of my abilities!

[@anark05]

Hey Daniel! Just a quick question because this happened recently. Last night was weird, I went to bed at around 12 and I closed my eyes, opened them again and it was 2, I stayed calm and went back to my bed shortly after - however, I felt like I spent the entire rest of the night changing positions with my eyes closed. I know hyperarousal can trick me into feeling that I was conscious, but I'm unsure what to do in these moments, or how to handle nightly awakenings. I know that actively doing anything is a sleep effort, and that just starts the cycle again, so what do you suggest I do?

[@anark05]

Also: Whenever I open my eyes during these incidentsents of feeling aware of things in bed, my eyes are really strained, could this be a sign of anything?

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Hi Karan! Thanks for being in touch and - the first thing I would ask is, how do you know it was 2 am? 😝 you know where I’m going - always good. It knowing the time! It’s such a powerful act of letting go 👍 This said, you know everything strange that happens in the sleep world, or pretty much everything, is due to hyperarousal! Circadian rhythms can explain a few as well. But this sounds like typical “hyper sleep”. The best thing to do is the hardest - nothing in particular. Anything that brings attention towards this makes it happen more! Understanding and accepting- always the way! As for the eyes, it’s a very common thing we hear on the channel. Don’t know why, tinnitus is also very common with hyperarousal... Hope this helps!!

[@anark05]

@@thesleepcoachschool8192 I know that I shouldn't be checking the time, I'm admittedly faulted in that. I know the best thing to do is actually to do nothing and accept it, it's just a lot to handle when I was doing so well at home? It's back to square 1, feeling like my eyes are closed for ages, like I could just open my eyes at any point instead of me actually being asleep. Its frustrating.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Karan Nimsons I hear Karan... you know when you’ve gotten to a place where you’ve slept better, it’s especially frustrating... but you know it’s these residual waves, waves when trouble sleeping happens again, but as you apply this minimal response, they become weaker and happen less and less frequently.. hang in there Karan

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

I’m glad this made sense! And you know befriending it/accepting it, that’s often far from doing nothing! It actually can require a lot of effort until there’s 0 effort. It’s like learning to ride a bike, you have to try until you don’t try at all. But yes, when you instead of trying to make it go away, you see it as something you can simply observe that doesn’t need to have any negative impact whatsoever on your life, then it won’t bother you ever again 👍👍

[@beautifulforthee1]

Hi Daniel..... I think I need more personal help...... I'm tired of it

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

I totally hear... it’s not easy for anyone to take the journey alone... I want to say Martin Reed has a good program, Trevor Youngquist also, both have been guests here on the channel. I coach in BedTyme... and in October we will start a video based membership under The Sleep Coach School... I hope one of these will be helpful. Hang in there!

[@beautifulforthee1]

I think my prob has more to do with my thoughts.... because once I'm calm, I sleep normally... however the calm lasts for all of one day sigh. Then it's back to my good friend hyper and so the pattern continues. Do you think your prog is suited for this.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

That’s it, it is always the thoughts. Remember, thoughts produce our emotions, our emotions dictate our actions, our actions determine the results we get - it is always about the thoughts! Change your thoughts and you change everything. The only two times the program doesn’t lead a client to sleeping better is when there’s a “benefit” with having insomnia. Strange as it sounds some people like the empathy they get and they feel very invested in their trouble sleeping because they have struggled for such a long time. When there’s even a little recess in the brain that holds on to insomnia and finds some comfort in it, that can be really tricky. The other time is when “the defense is too strong”. The brain is always there to ensure survival. If someone’s safety system is so strong that the mere thought of for example doing something enjoyable at night or giving yourself a little bit last time for sleep is unacceptable, then it’s really hard to help that person. This said, it may still not be a waste of time because you may have planted the seed of acceptance that grows into good sleep. At least that’s what I tell myself whenever I have a client that doesn’t complete the program.

[@beautifulforthee1]

Ok. Because right now I'm tired of this insomnia..... I'm tired of being up alone...... tired of not knowing..... and that brings me stress...... so can my thinking change all of that into more positive actions. Are you familiar with guy meadows., I think thats his name on acceptance. Where do I get info on your progs

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

Yes Guy Meadows, the author of The Sleep Book, it’s good! His approach is as you say of acceptance and non engagement. Yes, when you change how you think, everything else follows. For BedTyme, it’s a free 1 week trial, but be sure to unsubscribe if you don’t think it’s for you! For Martin, check insommiacoach.com and Trevor liberatedsleep.com Now something important - it’s is very helpful if possible to start a program at your baseline. If you start when things are particularly gloomy, any act becomes an affirmation that things aren’t going well. So it’s best to wait until the peak has passed, then when things are more baseline, that’s a great time to enroll!

[@neilfishman1138]

Just like driving a car. If the brake is on doesn’t meter how hard you’ll push the gas-the car won’t drive.

[@thesleepcoachschool8192]

100% - it's always the brake that is the real culprit!