Is Celibacy for me? Feat. Stephan Speaks | Lovers and Friends Ep. 59

Celibacy, abstinence, sex strike, sexlessness, dry spell ….call it what you may but we can all agree is challenging.
This week we are joined by Stephan Speaks- one of the most popular voices in the relationship education space. Stephan has devoted himself to a life of celibacy on more than one occasion: first run with the intention to connect with God, second to connect with his God-given purpose and now he finds himself conflicted between looking for the clarity that celibacy seemed to give him before and longing for the intimacy he desires as a healthy, single, eligible bachelor.
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Links to episode clips that were featured in this episode.
Glo Atanmo:
• Every Single Woman Nee...
Tanarelle:
• Sacred Sex For People ...
Rachel Lindsay:
• Our Sex Life is Not Wh...
Sex Strike:
• Should Women Stop Havi...
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Follow Stephan Speaks:
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www.stephanspe...
/ @meetstephanspeaks

[@sierraweaver745]

The real tea would be to hear from the ladies he has encountered. Would they speak highly of him as he does himself?

[@rhondacummings]

Yes I totally agree!

[@HBH2017]

Same ! I agree. Tbh he sounds like he’s scared of vagina 😕 this interview made me wonder about his sexuality

[@thatimokoena8357]

​@@quathetruth8314 speak for yourself

[@EarCandyAsmr]

agreed

[@shelbyspellman3046]

22:34 that plant was over him . As soon as he said “above average”, the tree was done 🤣

[@HappyHealthyHair]

He knew he's was full of shit😄😁🤣

[@MichelleNgome]

😂😂😂🤣

[@RoDelane.]

😂😂😂

[@TheFlowerGardenZa]

😂😂😂

[@corporategirlprobs]

hahahaha

[@claireh8125]

To be 100% blunt, all of the high quality devout Christian men I know are married long before his age. He refuses to see his inability to find a suitable mate as his fault in any way and that is how I know he is not as introspective as he claims to be….

[@sandrinemarie5968]

This is deep…

[@liyana8556]

My thoughts exactly.. why choose celibacy when if you can get married and fulfil that religious obligation too. strikes me as really odd, especially coming from a Christian centric relationship coach

[@ivy4298]

Wow, that's a good point, Claire. But it makes sense that he sees no fault in himself. As far as he's concerned, he's the best thing since sliced bread. This guy makes me gag.

[@KeituForever]

💯💯💯

[@HBH2017]

@@liyana8556 it make me think he’s into men and using celibacy as an excuse . How is it that pastor keion a man of God was married n divorced and 2 years later remarried but this guy here can’t even go on a date and intentionally Pursue n date “any women of his choice” 😒 this guy is cap and I think he is battling with his sexuality bc this makes no sense Maybe he’s praying to God that He turns his attraction off towards men 🤷🏽‍♀️ idk . I would be scared to date him

[@chelsearenae9384]

Currently in a season of abstaining. Noticed that sexual encounters caused me anxiety and triggered my abandonment issues more than they brought me joy and fulfillment. Looking forward to sharing my body with my next partner and creating a safer space. Great episode. 💗

[@sxyteesa0890]

Same I feel you 100%

[@sumayzebecreating]

#relatable af! I'm in the same season. I've realized the same in myself.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

You sometimes need to retreat in order to heal. Your last sentence though..........should it be the other way round?

[@kandisphere8828]

I can relate. Sex gives me so much anxiety and triggers me to get back to depressive episodes that I've had before.

[@uwanaibanga9488]

Girl my trust issues regarding men go crazy in the midst of sex so I feel you, I share the same goal as you and look forward to create a safe space with a committed partner.

[@squarepeg4642]

The amount of times he centred the conversation around how great, how aware, how special he is was slightly unbecoming and made me less able to extract merit from his ideas as it made him more of an amateur in my eyes. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of yourself, who you are and what makes you different, but in my experience people who characterize those things usually radiate an unspoken confidence and self-assuredness without having to deliberately call attention to it. On another note, the amount of people seeking guidance from self proclaimed relationship gurus these days is unprecedented… alas, I will never understand.

[@shelbyspellman3046]

Your comment was so well said !

[@meelovebeauty]

Especially these relationship gurus who have no testimony to the advice they have given. They're normally single or in relationships nobody would inspire to have.

[@flowbynature]

I absolutely agree. I used to be a big fan of his but now I am much more careful with who I listen to. It sounds like he wants the best of everything because he thinks he’s the best of everything…. Yikes. What kind of reasoning is that. On top of that, I am more weary to get relationship advice from someone who is not in a relationship period? The one and only takeaway I agreed with is that celibacy should be approached with intentionality

[@HappyHealthyHair]

He Is an ELEVATED FuckBoy! I realized it when I read his book , he literally said nothing in it 😁🫠🙃

[@theplug3102]

@@flowbynature All of you on this post need to be quiet , because I find it so funny how you same people can talk negative towards a person who isn’t doing anything but promoting self love & to know your worth but if it’s your earth G0D Beyoncé y’all will willingly put her above all rest and she hasn’t done anything to put out in the world for a positive impact except be a performer & take y’all money. Y’all pick & choose who y’all want to listen to & worship. I can never relate to people like y’all who will scream & roll on the ground if you see one of your fav “Regular Human” that’s being played on tv but don’t have nothing positive to say about ppl who are making a positive impact rather you agree or not. This is exactly why society is so tainted now & will forever go backwards. Y’all make the sh’t that’s not important , important & the sh’t that is not important. Dismiss yourself.

[@KFontLab]

Celibacy is different than abstaining. Celibacy means taking a vow that you will not get married or have sexual relationships. Abstinence just means you are waiting until marriage or other soul health reasons etc. but you will do it again. It’s important to define it properly for your life.

[@JoshDickens850]

Bingo

[@MsGlamOL]

Whew… I’m SO GLAD Shan called him out (or simply shared her perspective) when he was speaking about himself and the bar he sets after dating him. It was definitely cringy and giving inflated sense of self lol! There were also definitely some gems from this episode and I enjoyed hearing from them both! I’ve been celibate for 2.5 years and it helps me to focus on purpose AND not overlook/forgive things that really matter to me as it pertains to the foundational parts of a relationship.

[@jasminejohnson4707]

Same

[@laurelgrasso2897]

I would much rather hear your perspective on celibacy then Stephens.

[@NBnNC]

Yeah I was surprised by his self exhaltation because you don’t get that vibe when he’s communicating to the masses on his channel. Time & circumstances reveal all sides of a person

[@MsDianachick]

I didn’t find it cringy at all. Why wouldn’t you speak about your self improvement when asked about yourself? I believe he’s trying to be an example, so why wouldn’t he speak on his merits? Should he speak about something else to explain his views on celibacy?

[@FaCeSays]

Same I’ve been celibate for 2 years and 7 months.

[@SS-cu8se]

Thé conversation about celibacy is super interesting to me because I feel like when people say they’re celibate, what they’re really saying is that they want to go back to the natural predisposition we as human beings were born with. The normalization of sex before marriage is something new. In the past, it wasn’t really a thing (aside from prostitution) because people understood that giving such a vulnerable part of yourself to someone who, deep down, you know hasn’t earned it, is damaging. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and naturally, you would want to be intimate with someone who fully commits to you. Not someone who just says words to you like “I love you”. I can’t go into a jewelry store, take a million dollar necklace, and say “I’ll pay for it” and then leave the store. That’s not how life works. What women need to understand is that SAME man who won’t marry you because “why do we have to get the government involved,” is the same man who would never sell his business without legal paperwork; who wouldn’t buy something and throw away the receipt; who wouldn’t loan you 100K on the “promise” that you’ll pay him back. Anything that has value is guarded and protected through accountability and risk. That’s why you can’t just go into a car dealership and walk out with a car. You gotta make the conscious decision to sign the paperwork to take one, and that comes with its own financial risks which is why people don’t do these things lightly. But in todays day and age, women are being brainwashed into taking on the risk of having a baby by a man who won’t even RISK marrying her! Ladies take back your power. These men know what they are doing and society is setting you up for failure by normalizing this new sex-obsessed generation.

[@ellesaa8290]

Love your point of view.❤

[@lynzypooh80]

🥇 I hope everyone reads your POWERFUL comment.

[@Carlyon100]

Exactly

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Preach 100x. Especially the point about not selling his business without the proper paperwork. That's gold.

[@donnaquinlan6530]

I like your point very clear

[@amberts180]

Shan can interview like none other! I hope he listened to her and received those messages.

[@Kmama801]

I want to tell those who feel a little weird about how he expresses himself and what he’s saying… listen to that. We have to listen to our innover voice! If something does not seem genuine, it usually is not.

[@corporategirlprobs]

THIS

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

Preach. The tree had great discernment.

[@sjsu5685]

So glad I watched this! Definitely shifted my perspective. Though I enjoy his content, his presentation now has me questioning his character and the basis of his content. Very arrogant, prideful and so unaware of how he comes off. I was just a bit disappointed that his journey of celibacy seemed to be rooted more in his testosterone, guilt and how desirable he is in a season, instead of his faith in God. Just questionable, because as believers that should be the main reason to be celibate. The Bible calls us to live holy. Wish he would have spoke more to Gods intention for kingdom living, but at least now I know that’s not at the center of his teachings.

[@christinablacken3043]

He sounds like a workaholic who has some intimacy issues - which honestly tracks bc societal messages teach men to under invest in their relationship skills and to focus solely on work and income. Layer on the religion and some antiquated gendered ideas about sex drive and you got a murky concoction. He’s also got a bit of “special man syndrome” who believes being nice, looking conventionally attractive, and having money is enough to be an amazing partner (it’s not) and ego. Appreciate his transparency about intentions and benefits of celibacy though.

[@Kathyyyyy123]

I agree, I don’t get a good vibe from him at all

[@aqueteaful]

You said it perfectly

[@LindaKLee]

I was a big fan of his videos. I just came across him in the last few months. But I asked a question on one of his videos “was he married.” And he did not answer me but others did. That’s how I came across this video and now I’m shaking my head. I just don’t know.🤷🏽‍♀️

[@TomikaKelly]

​@LindaKLee He was married, but doesn't speak on the marriage for the woman's privacy. It's something his family wanted him to do.

[@lakiaray3982]

His success comes from women questioning how men work. He’s not soooo exceptional. If you have a platonic friendship with a guy, y’all have these kind of conversations. He’s not prolific. It’s AMAZING how he stopped being celibate when he became richer and more famous. Discernment is the word of the day ladies

[@Marianyashaa]

No offence but I feel like a lot of what he said made a mockery of God and the Christian faith. It’s better for him to own the fact he’s currently living a non Christian life by choosing to engage in sex outside of marriage rather than blur the lines or create excuses about him being desirable etc etc. It is a very dangerous and misleading narrative for people who don’t know God and look to someone as influential as him for understanding. This is why it’s important to know God and the Bible for yourself cause a lot of what he said wasn’t it!

[@daphwill]

I agree with some of the points you've said and those were some of my thoughts. He equated Celibacy to a tool, when Celibacy is a lifestyle choice and fasting is a tool.

[@flowbynature]

As a Christian, I agree with you. He is valid in sharing his spiritual experience of course. However…. it’s giving very much “half in, half out” the way he was talking about God. He even used the term “partly” due to his faith and spiritual experiences rather than having conviction. The outcome of it all that was discussed wasn’t his relationship to God but his successful career. I find this trait very unattractive in men no matter how rich or “above average” they are. I wouldn’t date a man just because he’s successful. He discusses being self aware but seems totally lost as to what he actually wants. This is just my personal opinion.

[@sjsu5685]

So true sis!

[@kshealieceartistry358]

Girl yes I agree…he is watering down the word of God which is obviously a huge problem.

[@rhondacummings]

Amen!

[@lynne4948]

Tony Gaskins done gave the game 10 times over. Keep taking advice from single men who have not been married and aren’t walking in their mantle as a husband 🤷🏾‍♀️.

[@shylasmith8140]

Facts!!!

[@marrencebaraquiel]

Omg yes!!!!! Never gonna listen to this stephan guy anymore tony has been giving warning to these never been married relationship guru since day 1

[@rhondacummings]

I agree totally

[@im26c4u5]

Tony Gaskin once lowkey mentioned Stephan Speaks was fake without mentioning names and someone that wears baseball hats (probably Kev Hick).

[@lynne4948]

@@im26c4u5 I thought Kev was married 😮

[@shelbyspellman3046]

30:49 I love you Shan ! BabyBoy was feeling himself alil & I’m glad we came back to reality . My fav quote now came from the Tab Brown book, I’ll prob mess it up but I spoke to just because your season w/ someone is over , doesn’t make you or them less or more than to each other , it just means that time has passed and you no longer belong in each other’s transition.

[@jasminejohnson4707]

Y’all not tired of non-married / divorced and single men giving relationship advice? Lol I literally find it cringey or like the blind, leading the blind.

[@jasminejohnson4707]

And, Shan asked him about his current celibacy journey and he never gave a direct answer. Then he keeps dodging the questions about why he keeps entertaining women if he doesn’t want a strong connection, etc. He’s just talking in circles and selling hisself. Like dude, what are you talking about? Basically, he has no self control is what I hear. Then, the way he talks about women is odd. His perspective is one sided and he’s not open minded to other possibilities.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Yeah that's true, but then again Derrick Jaxn was married...........

[@AriMayweather]

Girl hush! Stephan doesn’t pander to women and tell lies. Read and book and the Bible. Use wisdom and discernment

[@jasminejohnson4707]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 I personally don’t take advice , follow or praise any male relationship guru. Derrick Jaxn was always off to me lol. These guru’s have a market and they know how to sell. I’ll leave it at that 🥴

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@jasminejohnson4707 No I don't either. I watched a snippet of Derrick Jaxn, but he didn't feel right to me; these guys have an off vibe. I feel the same about Stephan Speaks as well. I

[@Kmama801]

All I feel is ingenuity. Sorry! How can a single person who sleeps with multiple women give advice on relationships?

[@marrencebaraquiel]

!!!!

[@Msalishabsongwritingac]

@@marrencebaraquiel I think he was on the right track before but now he has just let us know from his own mouth don’t listen to me whilst I’m going through this . He needs time out and seek the lord for direction for his next steps

[@nh7568]

All I feel is narcissism, like all women he meets immediately wanna be with him? Really? lol

[@ninawaryaro9415]

Woah!This is serious may the Lord help him out if that's true

[@Althoodlem]

Because he sees them from the outside looking in. A lot of relationships are one side and who better to pick up on that than someone who chooses to be single. They have a completely different perspective. On life in general at that.

[@lesegobabypuso8795]

"Setting a bar in their lives that no one else can meet?" I found this guy cringy and a bit conceited 😒. I really enjoy how Shan interviews, she listens intently and is able to stay curious and keep the space safe but also call out BS in a very calm manner. I do feel however, Stephan saying he is no longer celibate because it got hard is a bit of a cop out, isn't the real test being able to do it when it's the hardest? I hope Shan can feature another man that's made a decision to be abstinent and stayed abstinent when it got harder to do.

[@NBnNC]

What's the longest you've gone celibate?.....it's subjective - "getting hard" could be 3 years for someone or 10 years to another. It getting difficult occurs at different time intervals for different people.

[@flowbynature]

I agree the whole chocolate store conversation was a bit of a turn off. And it’s really demeaning to people’s journey of celibacy. I don’t think it’s fair to compare who celibacy is “harder” or “easier” for because everyone has their own story….

[@MichelleNgome]

I'm sure it got hard because he has become more popular/successful. His options have changed drastically. 🙄

[@corporategirlprobs]

SO well said!!!

[@corporategirlprobs]

@@MichelleNgome and it's gotten to his head like the only reason his options have changed isn't because of how great he is, it's because he's a D list celebrity now

[@thehealingfairee]

I'm confused why he's talking about not having sex at all, and then jumping to sleeping with women that he can't offer a relationship to. Why are you emotionally unavailable? Why don't you sleep with women that you're dating to see where things go, and maybe after a couple months you realize you're not a match and end it, instead of jumping the gun by putting them in a box that there's no chance for a relationship from the get go, and sleeping with only those women?

[@alesiasinspiration]

Yeah! It's giving too many unanswered questions

[@HappyHealthyHair]

Master Fuckboy talk !

[@melmel7011]

I think you didnt understand. He is not unavailable, he is and actively looking for that special person. He doesnt want to experience sex with other women because he is aware it would hurt them, regardless what the woman says.He knows the woman would fall in love or have a bond with him when he has not decided she is the one for him. Now why does he sleep with them then? Bcz just like you and me he is human. He gets temptations. He finds himself doing what his mind doesnt want to do.

[@alesiasinspiration]

@Mel Mel I agree with the poster and didn't misunderstand anything. Discernment is a thi g for a reason. People talk all day and their words mean NOTHING when their actions defy them. We all can be on a quest to be righteous and backside, but this man actively makes money off a lifestyle he dabbles in and is not fortified in. He tells women one thing then acts another way. I have way too many friends and clients who are subjected to the double agent deceit. The man too hard to read because though he is successful and talks a great deal about what he wants his actions are contrary to the point of coming off manipulative and confusing for those who sleep with or find themseles dating men like this. They then turn round and blame themselves or find a lack of trust when a truly righteous man who talks and walks faithfully in his truth, not just his ideals comes along. To me it's sad. I'm married i have no personal vested interest in the games played in these streets, but some friends and a lot of clients come to me singing the same song around men who live the way this man is expressing himself to live. Of course I don't know him. Of course I don't know what exactly he is and isn't saying to the women he courts or uses for sexual gratification. Of course I don't know what these women would say their experience was with him so it's all projection from a 30 min convo, but my discernment tells me a lot of women would be deceived by him and he'd let it happen without much action able accountability.

[@laurelgrasso2897]

@@alesiasinspiration I absolutely agree with you! It doesn't matter what Stephen says, it's all about his behavior and how he treats women. My intuition tells me that he wants sexual encounters without any relationship or commitment. He rationalizes this by telling himself that these women aren't good enough to be with him or they're all not at his level. He really needs to heal his emotionally unavailability, narcissism and issues concerning commitment before he'll be relationship material.

[@AngelicaASMRcolombiano]

Didn’t enjoy his generalizations but I’m so glad to see that the comments also called BS lol Shan listeners are just different ❤️

[@LoraJacqueline]

Coming from astrology. A person's Saturn return happens between 28-34. Changes on ones spiritual path changes. When he mentioned at 27 his desires and value system for sex were challenged. Personal value systems and actions to honor them are challenged during Saturn returns

[@princesshissa6781]

That’s what I thought too 💭 lol as am about to turn 30 and beliefs are changing too 😅

[@LoraJacqueline]

@@princesshissa6781 Blessings to your changes ☺️

[@wrongfullyetherized7754]

This guy sounds WAY too into himself. The fact that the tree fell when it did is clearly a sign for me that he was bs-ing.

[@shineg5077]

The issue is these ladies making basic dudes feel exaordanary.

[@milksomethinggood]

Tyrese once said, "for every level there's a different devil". I believe it. I hear Stephan on how it was easier when he was working towards the greatness God was preparing him for and how it is becoming difficult now that he is in a certain level because now there's another kind of devil lurking around him stroking his ego. The struggle IS real. The devil is an opportunist, he never sleeps-- always trying to rob us of our relationship with Christ and always using God's gifts to distort our very perspective, it's despicable. God creates. The devil cannot create, he can only corrupt, he can only twist and distort. That is why the Bible says to pray without ceasing. I didn't understand that and now that I do i struggle, too. We are literally fighting for our life, for our very spirit. We are not fighting the flesh, we are fighting principalities and powers of this dark world (Ephesians 6:12). Keep Stephan in prayer that he remain steadfast in his discipleship and overcome the demons trying to strip him from his walk in Christ.

[@amandabelony3055]

I’m sorry I can’t deal with how amazing Shan looks ❤😂

[@Inaffit319]

Right!? That outfit ! 🔥 🔥 🔥

[@nadja5154]

Top 3 looks ever

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

This was very interesting, and I enjoy Stephans' content. But Eeeek! The way he spoke about himself here was absolutely cringey to me. And I'm trying to figure out why he can't just decide to date and hold out on sex until he feels he's found what he's looking for? Anyway, there still was a lot to take away here. Thanks, shan!

[@marianacarrilho1153]

Thank you for saying it!!! 100 cringey …

[@unalloyedlife419]

Thought I was the only one. Talmbout 1% man. No sir, too egocentric

[@daphwill]

^^ same same same

[@krystle2]

Read him. Lol I loved this conversation. I don’t think anyone has challenged him like that.

[@angenereid730]

My question is “why doesn’t he get married” ?

[@julistar90]

He is looking for perfection lol

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@julistar90 I think he's not ready or scared or avoidant or all three.

[@viviennecrayton4381]

Not perfection, but someone who's perfect for him. Stop all negativity!

[@viviennecrayton4381]

Because everyone and everything has its own season. Nobody can talk about anybody.

[@viviennecrayton4381]

​@@rejectionisprotection4448🙄 your opinion

[@HappyHealthyHair]

(22:30) Stephan : I'm so desirable , I'm so great, I'm above average aware.... 🏝the tree & wind :🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢!

[@yazminlomeli]

😂😂

[@boipelop6522]

😂😂😂😂

[@zinhle1627]

lol

[@milksomethinggood]

Shan asked a great question I wish Stephan would have been more thorough on. The question was about why continue on the journey of celibacy, and that if it served it's purpose as he worked to be to where he is now, what else can celibacy offer. Stephan said that it was about his relationship with God but I also think that more than that celibacy is about us leveraging someone else's relationship with God, too. Jackie Angel says the question is not "how far is too far" but rather "how can I help this person get to heaven". And that's a whole other level of love to look at it from the point of, 'How far am I willing to go for this person, how much self control am I willing to exercise, how far will I go to be a stepping stone to help this child of God in their journey to heaven.' Because sex is bonding. And that is not to say suppress our urge in the mean time, but it is to say we have an invitation here to turn our moments of lust into prayer, 'Thank You God for this beautiful person you created that is a delight to my eyes. This is a good moment and everything good comes from You. Every good experience is merely a TASTE of the love you have for me and the life ever after you have in store for me. Help me stay close to you in mind body and spirit so that my flesh does not corrupt your goodness by turning love into lust , hunger into gluttony, ambition into greed etc etc. Help me stay close to you in mind body and spirit so that I can honor my body as Your temple and honor Your child's temple. Help me in my journey that I may uplift their spirit and they uplift my own as we nourish our spirits for marriage. And if marriage is not our ultimate calling for one another, that we may continue on our way free from stains from one another but filled with righteousness because of each other. Amen.' Marriage is meant to be sealed with the highest sacred seal and that is the bonding seal of sex. And when we are having sex outside of marriage, we are sexually and spiritually bonding with all of these people creating soul ties that were never meant to be created, soul ties that were meant to be created through marriage as soul-mates.

[@luraayzit]

I love how gentle and empowering you speak Shan. Very diplomatic.

[@alinedafonseca8854]

I love Stephan! Also, Shan passive-aggressively asking him to take off his shirt at the end to call out his multiple mentions of his physique...lol.

[@jasminejohnson4707]

Just watched that part 😂😂

[@theDANIELLEj]

She’s so smooth wit it, but I feel like that was a creative & funny way to humble him 😂

[@alesiasinspiration]

Why even bring God into it if he's just dipping in and out of celibacy?

[@M0chaJ0J0]

Because people are imperfect. The walk isn't all roses.

[@queenjazmyne]

Its his personal battle

[@NBnNC]

Please read the Bible a little more closely, especially the accounts of David, Solomon, the prodigal son and the apostle Peter…. just because someone falters doesn’t mean that God has forsakened them..

[@flowbynature]

I agree. I think he’s in denial and it’s not my business to define someone’s faith whatsoever but as he is a very influential person I think this was a misleading piece of “advice” from him.

[@alesiasinspiration]

@jay'andae belle of course. But how many casualties are being scorned while he processes his bs. If he can't be real with himself its going to be mighty tough to be real to the women he dates.

[@alesiasinspiration]

Seems like he is using abstinence ad a luring tool to stand out and then a tool to make hims3lf unavailable when it's convient.

[@flowbynature]

This was exactly my takeaway. He has no conviction outside of how celibacy as a tool personally benefits him as a man… yikes.

[@lauraashley1]

Hmm, very interesting observation Alesia. As he was being so unclear I was trying to decipher what was going with him, but you may be on to something!

[@exquisitejewelrikkei2957]

I agree with Shan! A woman can be in the presence of a greater standard when it comes to men, know what you been exposed to going forward, and let that experience tailor or encourage what you want in a person without it ruling out other possibilities that don't meet those standards exactly that you admired in that man.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

That is very true, but Stephan's point is also valid in that most individuals won't see it like that.

[@mandysway9729]

This interview really turned me off of him..ugh

[@meelovebeauty]

Omg same. Maybe because he doesn’t speak about himself as much as he did here

[@flowbynature]

I used to be a big fan but now I’m hoping he has some personal conviction in his own life to show for. Not to say that he hasn’t helped me and many other women but on this topic specifically I’m gonna have to do a hard pass.

[@ENCHANTRESSTHEEBABBLER]

I live a celibate / abstinence lifestyle. 20 + years currently over 5 years. I am proud of myself for being discerning & preferring patience for divinity purposes that simply work best for me. Most ppl can’t believe when meeting me that this is what takes place. Idk what they looking for (Mother Teresa) idk but in my lifestyle choice I raised a beautiful daughter whom honors her temple just thee same. The way ppl speak so loosely about Sexing is alerting / alarming. Anyhoo .. thanks for the space to share I am always going to be a celibacy activist & I have begun talking about it more on my own platforms as a mom reaching out to young women to love themselves and respect themselves most !!

[@Msalishabsongwritingac]

Stephen you shouldn’t of shared this. You should maybe consider taking some time out if you are going through these struggles and believe God for a wife and then come back to teach people once you are married . You have now built your success as you said so the next step is a wife . So if you are struggling take time out

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

He should, but can he afford to? And I don't mean just financially (that's probably the least of his worries).

[@Msalishabsongwritingac]

He can if he wants to

[@alesiasinspiration]

He sounds like he uses celibacy as click bait to be a f boy. Period.

[@flowbynature]

Period. I agree. And to just Willy nilly bring in random God comments in it did not sell his credibility either….

[@HappyHealthyHair]

100 % AGREE

[@tab0108]

Lol

[@lynzypooh80]

He’s a Christian who’s trying to honor God, the best He can. God says, sex out of marriage is fornication -I respect him for at least trying bc Obedience is the Highest Praise.

[@alesiasinspiration]

@lynetteturton8250 there's a less messy and capitalistic way to go about this and I know deep down we all know it.

[@virgotendencies653]

I’ve never seen him talk about himself in that way. It threw me off a little, and I kind of wish the interviewer had asked him a follow up question about one of those labels he was giving himself to really understand why he was saying those things. Brother certainly don’t seem to have a self esteem issue 😂.

[@shayshay6814]

I think I was able to hear the balance of what he was sharing: his struggle with chasing a God mindset vs. the thirst for doing what ever he wants without negatively impacting someone. I see him being aware of how his personal skills can mislead someone during this time of him struggling with celibacy & it’s powerful. On the other end I see that she is pointing out that our gifts can be a blessing to others & for us to trust being in our organic state. Both powerful- great discussion 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽.

[@jas-n-motion]

People will drive themselves crazy with overthinking

[@ellesaa8290]

That’s just me right now😂😂😂

[@jas-n-motion]

@@ellesaa8290 girl just stop lol don't do it to yourself

[@NallahBrown]

Facts, I don't like it and it's not productive

[@evolvingishpod]

I think he likes himself more than anyone in the room. 😅

[@ashleylewis8796]

😂😂

[@laurelgrasso2897]

I normally enjoy and love watching the content on this channel. But this interview was cringe. Stephen came across as being arrogant and not humble in anyway. I'm not sure if he's a narcissist, but he thinks of himself WAY too highly. This doesn't come across as confidence. I think his previous partners, lovers and maybe? girlfriends should get together and start a support group. Wait, I'm sorry there's no woman on the planet who's good enough to be his girlfriend. His past lovers should NOT be validating him or stroking his ego further. I feel like there were instances were Shan was kissing his ass, and I felt very disappointed. In my dating experiences men who claim to be 'all that' in relationships or in the bedroom tend to be the worst. If Stephen does not have a personality disorder he needs some life experiences to ground him to reality.

[@JackieS812]

I can remember when I chose to be celibate. It was a Spiritual journey for me. There were things I needed to break in the Spirit and, I’m a much better person because of it. I’m thankful to God!

[@daphwill]

I love reading comments, it's like adding fire to a trapeze performance but sometimes I wanna read the comments immediately but everyone starts, not necessarily giving the video away, but yk commenting.. which now leaves me watching the video with a bit of a bias.. Three or four comments in I see the displeased ladies now im like "oh no, just press play" To my main point: now that I have this bias I can hear where Shan is potentially thinking "this man is bs" but still smiling and waiving. You're the good one Shan 😉

[@shelbyspellman3046]

I started reading comments after I finish because like you said it’ll give you a bias

[@lovetherain227]

I really strongly dislike the very casual and under the skin ways he condescends women there “Women might stay cause this dude buys her things or she’s lonely or whatever”. All people can want connection in so many different forms. We don’t have to minimize women’s desire for partnership down to these two things. “I will see a lot of women say “I’m tired f these men I’m going to be celibate””. if a woman wants to protect her peace, I think that’s an extremely valid answer and reason for starting a celibacy journey?? If celibacy is a true journey, we should be able to find more meaning and more reason as time goes on. Intention can grow overtime if we are mindful. But We don’t have to have all the answers at the start of something.

[@GiveHerFlowers]

Yeah I kind of peeped that too…

[@Biglyd24]

Shan is always amazing and precise with her interviews , such a joy to watch her .

[@AriMayweather]

Stephan’s books were life changing. He speaks the truth!

[@sheeva3.0]

Powerful conversation! I had a similar experience from the time I was a teen until I moved out and went to college! I withheld sex and kept my purity until I made it out on my own and felt like a relationship like that wouldn’t anchor me to my hometown and a life I didn’t want

[@yzkweh1]

He really enjoys the sound of his voice I can tell.

[@pattypatsspeakingjourney]

Oh..... that is an excellent interview!! My Gad. Stephan's content, books, videos have been instrumental in keeping me abstinent for 4 years now. I've been doing it to heal from my past trauma and to get closer to God. I will be more than happy to enjoy a healthy sex life with the man God has planned for me. As much as I think he's absolutely awesome, I felt like a little humility wouldn't cause any harm! 😅. Shan!! You are such a skilled interviewer! I love love your authenticity and no nonsense style! You have yourself a new fan!! Thank you both for this fantastic interview!

[@eljeer123]

Living that life as we speak. It is the best thing I've ever done as an adult.

[@novellajoy]

I was definitely shocked seeing this video pop up lol. But I’m glad that the comments passed the vibe check and Shan called cap! We know better. Period!

[@deeali9757]

been celibate for 3 years and counting. Until a man commits to me it will be so.

[@Kmama801]

Why do I keep hearing these social media men say as long as a man gets success he doesn’t believe in monogamy. Huh? So all successful men are cheaters or want to cheat? Hmmm ok then

[@jasminecooper8610]

Shan questions, comments and examples are really good!

[@deenacoleman6375]

Paraphrasing: "Why can't you use your intuition to select women that are good for you"...."Well women keep bypassing their intuition to get what they want, and I've learned how to be really good at giving them what they want"..... -____- sir that was not the question LOL just say you have too much to choose from and you can't shut down shop and you don't want to shut down shop. Blaming it on the women lol

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

It sounds as if he's taking advantage of women. The first part of his quote irks me and I'm not sure why.

[@donnaquinlan6530]

I just got done listening to a pod cast what said we must know our value And our purpose and goals before we can find our partner our callings must match. Not just chemistry . Be Solid in knowing God and what he’s called you to, and he’ll partner you with someone with a similar calling and chemistry.

[@jaz6789]

I love his work and his book was amazing, he is very knowledgeable about his craft and while he has every right to speak his truth he came off very arrogant in this video and it wasn’t as impactful as it could have been if he would have focused on celibacy and not himself.

[@amberts180]

YUCK! I keep wanting to be his fan and uplift him, but this kid’s just chatting ish! Still waiting for him to say something profound.. 22:31 Did God try to strike him down for lying? He could have pretended to help her. (Sorry, when I met him he was insulting towards women in general and me in particular without knowing anything about me when I was excited to participate in his session.)

[@NBnNC]

Wow! sorry you experienced that - hope it didn’t cost you money?

[@TomikaKelly]

When and where was this? Is he different in person than in his videos?

[@ao6685]

I'm so over these self inflated relationship gurus like Stephan and Derrick Jaxn. They use women's trauma and vulnerability to make money off them and this video at times was so cringe. Put me off. I couldn't watch and enjoy it. I will not take any advice from him and instead will listen to more credible Coaches like Esther Perel. It's sad to see Shannon has lost her way on KZbin. She use to be popping.

[@TomikaKelly]

Esther Perel teaches you how to go back to a philandering spouse...Think a little higher of yourself, dear. 🥴

[@uwanaibanga9488]

There's alot of perspectives floating around so I'm learning to observe in heed before engaging in dialogue. I've told my sexually active friends that I'm being called to sexually abstain indefinitely until I'm ready to find comfort in my next relationship. And I've told my Christian friends that it won't be until marriage. It currently feels like going to therapy sessions. I used to think of it like AA but I don't feel that committed to abstinence as I yearn for a sexual freedom but haven't developed the best relationship in others engaging my body. WIth that being said, I think an understanding of the several intimacy languages is pivotal to this conversation. I sense my intimacy interest rev up when I'm intellectually stimulated but I'm still assessing if it's a demisexual kind of way. I think sexual intimacy just scratches the surface of the intimacy languages and cause I'm starting to understand that I feel stimulated by how seen I feel. How resonant in partnership pursuit. I'm also currently learning how much is too much for life to weave us away from each other, I've only had a few men and female friends have me felt seen. But only one man has been my favorite enough to try my hand at a relationship, I'm learning that my intimacy demands outside of the sexual are very expansive. From creative to intellectual intimacy.

[@NIO623]

Relationship expert that is not in a relationship are very suspicious.

[@shylasmith8140]

Facts!!!

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Shan knew that which is why she pushed Jared to get married, because it gave her greater credibility.

[@siliziwex44]

How is it suspicious

[@audreybuchman1972]

NOT REALLY, HE was in a MARRIAGE that DIDN'T WORK & HE'S FOCUSING on His Career & FOCUSING ON FINDING the right woman

[@GreyAce8394]

Not really.. what if they just haven’t met the one yet?

[@Christy-he6ry]

This is wrong on so many levels . I have no issue with how he views or describes himself, he is a high achiever thats a fact & kudos for that My problem is he finds it OK to casually sleep with MULTIPLE WOMEN and commit to NONE Shiiish !!

[@rhondacummings]

The tree fell for a reason

[@viviantejada]

I respect everybody's opinion down below but I'd like to just come to Stephan's defense for a minute. The man is successful, emotionally aware, and fine as hell, lol. I don't really see the problem with him acknowledging that as truth and the effect that has on women who get a chance to experience him. I get the sense he's speaking from personal experience and not an inflated sense of self.

[@sherefawhyte8311]

My thoughts exactly..

[@dawndiscusses5685]

Very interesting. I've enjoyed the little I've seen from him in the past so the tone and the direction of this interview was very surprising to me. I've never seen him discuss himself or others (the chocolate store analogy yikes!) like that before. Or his journey honestly, which he seemed to view more through the lens of career/success/desirability than spirituality. Very illuminating, its definitely changed my perception of him. As always enjoyed Shans ability to hold space for him and his views, while calling him out appropriately.

[@TomikaKelly]

I've binge watched most of his videos and interviews these last couple of months, and I have mixed feelings. I agree with about 70% of what he says though. What I CANNOT seem to understand is how Stephan has ALL THIS ACCESS to EVERY PIECE of "chocolate" in the world, yet he can't find NOT EVEN ONE piece to settle down with and marry? 🤔 He said so himself that he has more options than most other people yet, NOT A SINGLE, SOLITARY one of those pieces of "chocolate" checks off his boxes for marriage? 🧐 Tbh, it feels like he wants an excuse to not have to commit and continue playing the field while earning a living in a career where he advises others on how to "get picked" for marriage...😬

[@dawndiscusses5685]

@@TomikaKelly i agree, there's definitely truth to a lot of what he says.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

​@@TomikaKellyIf Business is good, why close the shop?

[@digthewarmth]

I love StephanSpeaks! Glad he's on here.

[@ximenalara2180]

Collab I didn’t know I needed 🤩 thank you Shan!!!

[@shaylaahava6413]

Stephan has too many women in his DM's and too many women coming up to him in his face! He is totally tempted, poor guy! His level of success has changed his caliber of options now. Lol With Christ all things are possible, bud! Hang in there!!

[@TomikaKelly]

I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not but, if so, your sarcasm is top tier. 😂😂

[@TBREAKTIME]

I wish you would've grilled him a bit more about why he thinks there's a biological difference for men and women to desire sex or get horny when the desire strikes, it doesn't matter your sex or gender

[@ashleyoates382]

Agreed, any time someone wants to bring up how men and women differ "biologically" in relationships, it's a huge red flag

[@ShondraRenae]

The ego this man has 😂

[@JanelleSeales]

I appreciate his openness with his journey. My take aways are 1. Celibacy with INTENTION 2. Sometimes the problem is SELF 🥴

[@rosesmoon99]

I love your podcast and share it with all my friends! I would really love if you had more queer content with queer folks of all ages and all walks. I would really love an episode about queer romantic friendships!! And I ask for queer folks who are more into their journey. Let a queer elder interview you! (Like Bob the Drag Queen) You do a great job of talking and sharing heterosexual things - but queer love,sex, and connection opens so many doors. I love how you interview and I hope that you can learn things too from possibly not leading the queer conversations - being present is participation

[@ousontmeslunettes9891]

After filling your servey I found the need to come back to some of your old videos. They are 💎 It's interesting to revisit afterwards to see where I am now.

[@Mindsetolympics]

make a woman feel comfortable with... -appropriate affection -not feeling judged, disrespected so true! HAAH😆 Stefan Speaks I agree with you, dating and moving on really is a hard thing, it's not even 50% amazing from the experience and the growth because of the pain of a break up or moving on lol. Break ups for majority of people are HARD.

[@tab0108]

Derrick Jaxn ruined it for everyone bc yall going in 😂

[@purposeprince4562]

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 his book “Love After Heartbreak” I’m rereading now

[@TruePathLiving]

Him talking about himself aside I think he is ON point. Scientifically women bond through sex so giving it up, for free, for no commitment, is nearly a guarantee of heartbreak. I think Shan and Jared are the exception to the rule of how their relationship unfolded because that is NOT the majority of cases.

[@jennyyyy189]

But men bond through sex too. There are plenty of women who can have sex without emotional attachment and men who can't have sex without it. It has been scientifically proven that women do not bond more often through sex than men.

[@TruePathLiving]

@@jennyyyy189 not true at all. Scientifically men bind through vasopressin and women through oxytocin. Men do not release vasopressin during sex. They release it during challenges and stress. Women release oxytocin through sex and therefore bind through it.

[@jennyyyy189]

@@TruePathLiving Vasopressin is suggested by research to be one of the causes for feeling bonded for men and not women. However oxytocin is released by both women and men during sex and specifically ejaculation and have the same effect in both sexes. Also Vasopressin is released in males bodies too during sexual arousal and is suggested to bond them socially, to the women they were sleeping with when releasing it. Unfortunately I couldn't add a link without my comment being deleted but you can find studies on pubmed. Also generalizing all that, denies plenty of people their experience with sex, where a lot of women don't feel bonded after sex and a lot of men do.

[@im26c4u5]

​@Jenny They don't, but women produce more oxytocin (along with other hormones) compared to men which makes them feel attached when they have sex. Women also release oxytocin at a much more quicker time than men (like while hugging). You have to hug a man for much longer time for him to finally release oxytocin (the "bonding" hormone).

[@TomikaKelly]

​@im26c4u5 You can seperate the feeling (oxytocin) from the person....

[@marrencebaraquiel]

Definitely not going to watch or listen to stephan’s relationship advice videos anymore… Tony gaskins is better coz he speaks about his true experience and is married for 14 yrs.. And yet, Stepahn’s is not even in a committed relationship. 🚩

[@Michyyyy538]

Yes! Tony Gaskins is amazing!

[@ashtonpatrice6137]

Tony is the GOAT

[@TomikaKelly]

You can listen to more than 1 person at a time....

[@heathergrahame9647]

This is a really interesting interview. I'm a person of God and have been very attracted to Stephan and his work. However, there were red flags - his need to be superior to women and his requirement that women be submissive to a man. Now seeing this interview, it reinforces those concerns I have about his character. He has plenty of respect for himself but very little respect for women. Hence, he gives advice to women in a patronising way, as though he's talking to an uneducated child.

[@TomikaKelly]

I don't think he's patronizing towards women, but I do think his advice is a bit unbalanced. He advises women in a way of "how to get and keep a man" whereas he advises men from a standpoint of being cautious with women. He has videos advising women on what they should never say to their man, but none for the men on his men's channel. He says a woman should remain loyal to her man and not lose respect for him if he cannot afford the pleasantries she wants right now, but advises women that if your man is less attracted to you due to weight gain, it's your fault.

[@Cosmicccccc924]

Not at all… he addressed both parties

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

I don't listen to male relationship coaches; they don't have women's best interests at heart.

[@amiejackman7354]

He has said so man read flag comments and i still have almost 200 minutes to go. some of the guests Shan is choosing is starting to go in a worrying direction

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

What's so worrying about this direction?

[@Just.Kayla21]

I enjoyed the conversation and topics, I just wish he would speak about Men more and a mama point of view instead of what woman do in comparison to men. The delivery made it hard to listen to him. Maybe that’s a problem on my part idk 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@scc8728]

Oh Shan, what can I say you are a legend.

[@audreybuchman1972]

Just REMEMBER Stephan YOU'RE COMMITTING TO GOD & HE GIVES YOU THE POWER to overcome THE URGE

[@Kaylamacc]

I love how you articulate yourself Shan!! I learn so much from you every time I listen to you. The people that you have on your channel also drop so many gems ! Another good episode for the win 🥇 iLY !

[@shelbyspellman3046]

31:54💕 I love LOVEEEE how this was said!

[@TBunchProds]

I just went back to look at the Red Table episode he appeared on looking for this friction he spoke of. Did I miss something? Seemed very congenial all the way around to me?

[@nettyflores7364]

I can’t even fathom believing that spending time with yourself or anything else over finding romance is a waste of time 😳

[@Carlyon100]

Cliffnote: A treatise on celibacy or the denial of one man's biological imperative to foop or not to foop while still being sexually attractive to women despite his overbearing patriarchal arrogance.

[@julistar90]

Who is going to be his trophy wife? She has to be perfect.

[@Joejoyoyoyo]

He said he wasn’t okay with his woman (girlfriend) going to the store with a bonnet on. Does he want her to wake up without morning breath too? Lol😂

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

​@@JoejoyoyoyoTbh, I agree with him on that example. It's not a good look.

[@Joejoyoyoyo]

@@dumfriesspearhead7398 you can’t look good all the time. Sometimes you just need to get some milk and it’s not realistic to look good all the time

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

@@Joejoyoyoyo I'm not talking about "looking good", but not looking as though you just got out of bed (even if you had). There are other hair coverings a woman can wear, rather than one which is associated with sleeping.

[@Joejoyoyoyo]

@@dumfriesspearhead7398 well, okay. That I can understand 👍🏾

[@keturahfit8456]

Been waiting on this episode! So excited to listen!!

[@pamk1967]

This was so great, Shan!!! I listened to it on your Podcast!💕👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 #ImCelibateforGodtoo

[@amandabazil1753]

The bit that he shared about testosterone levels is interesting. Why are men’s levels lower than the years before? 🤔

[@rachaelvaldivieso3434]

Omg I love Stephan and his work, but he sounded extremelyyy cocky, arrogant, and conceited in this interview. It was very off putting. And I liked how she checked him when he was just talking about himself. He needed to stop there lol. He sounded very hypocritical in this interview also preaching to people a lot of God's work but he's sleeping with multiple woman. I'm not judging. I'm just saying lol This interview was underwhelming and wack. 😢

[@bryannagray6653]

He comes off very conceited. It’s basically him just saying that because he’s a man of status he has more temptation. That’s kind of what I got from this. Which means he just lack self control now. I Agree that celibacy can be something that helps You get your life together if you’re focused on something else.

[@Msalishabsongwritingac]

Shan my little feedback would be to let the conversation flow in the video without adding commentary

[@sachamoses9233]

I agreed with everything he said until after the 30 min mark then he started to become egoistic he's seems like a kool dude just needs to be alittle more humble