Is It Possible to Avoid the Friend Zone?

[@Michaelmercado64]

Man, I gotta say: Discovering your channel feels like I'm entering a new chapter in my life.

[@georgegray2712]

Me too!!

[@evrealness]

I totally agree

[@Jediahgames]

Same

[@ShadowReaver573]

Same here. Definitely began a healthy journey of looking within myself to better understand myself

[@tylersguide]

Me too bro happy to be on the journey with this community!

[@oxanax5360]

another thing that sucks and wasn't mentioned it the video is that when you have feelings for somebody, you try to look for hints in every word they say and tend to misinterpret a lot of their words. I was in love with my best friend for many months and every time he would say that I look very pretty in a picture I would be like omggggg he is so in love with me. now, thinking about it after he rejected me, ummmm, no, he was just making a compliment and being nice while my brain was desperately clinging onto every gesture that could theoretically be considered romantic.

[@hawyee9090]

this is the thing i'm struggling with rn. it's fine because i know i will eventually get over these feelings, but i hate watching myself act like a conspiracy theorist even as i know that the connections i'm making are nonsensical

[@shahan484]

This

[@CsabaGamings]

I don't know if she likes me or not. She said I'm cute cuz i did something , so i just said thanks and walked away xd She did some uh... Hints maybe? But she must've been just be kind to me. Idk dude I'm clueless and an IT guy, so i don't know anything about girls. She craves attention from others though, so i don't give in and compliment her or anything, but this takes away my flirt game. Also we only meet in work, so i don't even want to be seen as a creep. Also scared 🥹

[@Mixoberenian]

this is called limerence. Yes it has a therminology. There is a book called Love and Limerence that explain the whole process if someone is interested

[@Sundji]

Yes, this is what happens to many people, myself included. I think my ADHD makes it worse too. The social norm of "sending hints" is honestly cancerous because it keeps us in a state of ambiguity rather than saying how you feel. I actively try to stop myself whenever I feel like I'm over invested in the way the person is acting towards me. Better safe than sorry. If it's real, we should say it.

[@sabilza]

I'm an introvert, watched this video multiple times to gather up my courage before I ask her. Yesterday I told her about my feeling, I was so prepared to hear the rejection but turns out she gave me a green light. My response to her is "Okay" and then dead silent for 5 minutes because I did not expect that kind of reaction after being her friend for over 9 years. Now our conversation become more romantic and preparing to confess to her in a couple of days. Thanks for your help, Dr K!

[@carloslindberg630]

I wish you the best!! May everything work out for the two of you! 😁

[@shahan484]

So are you double confessing to her?

[@Caesarist]

How did it go?

[@MrAydinminer]

Yo we need to hear what happened next

[@sabilza]

Sorry for the late update guys, we've been in relationship for almost 2 months. The confession process is kinda chaotic and unprepared, glad she understand that I'm not experienced with something like this. For anyone wondering, the confession is different with talking about your feelings, I understand it's difficult to relate by just watching Dr K video, but you'll know what I mean after doing it too. Good luck everyone!!! 😇

[@KyleHohn]

“Avoiding the friendzone” is based on a false premise. It assumes you have agency to cause the other person to friendzone you or not. Life isn’t a video game where the correct actions guarantee you a specific result. Often no matter what you do, it has no effect on the other persons interest. You can avoid the friendzone more generally by not fixating on people that don’t feel the same about you.

[@ruolbu]

What I got out of this video was that I got to get my crush up on a high and rickety bridge somehow...

[@kamitorings]

Basically unfriend them and move on lol

[@benargee]

Basically, if you don't intend to be just friends with them, express your intentions early and move on if they don't reciprocate and you don't see value in just a friendship.

[@vladhimirtheophile9690]

You do have agency. A friendship is a two street therefore do not be their friend if friendship with that person hurts you. You wouldn’t be friends with someone who physically hurts you. Why emotionally?

[@KyleHohn]

@@lemlonspirit1988 Dr. K’s advice was valid, not disagreeing with what he said. Just giving my take on the whole friendzone idea.

[@Zero-9909]

Just make your intentions clear bros, if you don't get a positive response you're not going to get further than the friend zone

[@AXharoth]

and you should move on

[@ladapanda]

What about if losing contact with that person if there’ll be a confession? So it’s not quite neutral result..

[@bigcheese2128]

@@ladapandasucks but you’ll live

[@H4MM-R]

@@ladapanda If you both actually value your friendship even if its "just" platonic, I don't think that is likely to happen. Also, what is the alternative? Hiding your feelings until they think you're creepy? It's much worse than being upfront about your feelings in the first place. I had to learn that the hard way, unfortunately.

[@onepieceguy2659]

yeah seems like it, but thats not always true. A friend of mine tried to push a relationship, but she said she just wants to be friends. 6 Month later and they are together now. So make your intentions clear is definitely good, but the second half of the statement is false.

[@conde_bathory]

Key thing I have learnt today- If you want to avoid this whole FZ cycle you MUST: i. Be emotionally aware of yourself ii. You should recognize those romantic feelings iii. Have an EARLY convo with him/her/them, right then and there *You are actually TRYING TO SOLVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR FRIEND*

[@debanikgoswami4834]

Step no 1.Don't get into the friendzone . Show your romantic/sexual interest in a girl right from the beginning and take the risk of getting rejected .

[@nokungfuforyou323]

@@debanikgoswami4834 Take it from an old dude, that is the best way to go. Sure, I've seen it work for someone else, and the gal was gorgeous, but there were a ton of vultures along with this guy waiting for her marriage to fail, so out of probably a dozen guys there was one and he got kicked to the curb after a while. She's been married 3 times. Just be upfront or flirt, if you get rejected at the flirt level, then either accept it or move on. Don't be wasting weekend nights on this kind of gal. Coffee, homework, but save your time and money for someone that likes you the way you like them.

[@connorholmes8786]

YOOOOOOOOOO

[@xCCflierx]

That ending Very helpful You aren't being rejected. You aren't asking them out. You have a problem that you are talking out with your friend. I'm afraid of conflict and abandonment but my fear of conflict is much easier to control as I gain the slightest confidence. I can talk to a friend. It's still hard but I just talked to a friend about a problem and how I felt about it. I needed this.

[@chronicle8080]

You kind of are asking them out, you aren't deciding on a date but you're letting them know that you would be open to a date. The challenge is getting over the phrase "asking them out". In both scenarios of sharing your feelings or asking them out your feelings can be rejected. Getting over rejection is the hard but best route forward.

[@afrosymphony8207]

i really disagree with some parts of this video. it just flippantly ignores the complexity of how most of this goes down so much so that the recommended things to do makes one sound like a robot. i've been on both sides of the issue and i can tell you, its just not a fun experience for either side, the only thing that works is finding ways to distance yourself from the person you're in love with which to me is the one thing i can totally agree with him on in this video. Most ppl in friendzones know what the answer will be if they ask out "the friend", there are various body language or behavioural tests you start to carry out to see if a girl is feeling you like that, so most of the times you know if she's unwillingly to go act that way around you its a non-verbal communicado that she aint interested, so distance yourself abit just so you dnt fucking make things weird, find someone else way prettier to crush on.

[@Plasmafox]

Yeah me having romantic feelings for someone is a problem that needs to be fixed, that's all. That narrative will definitely help boys and men struggling with their feelings in a society that already tells them they're doing something wrong by having them.

[@azuxiv]

@@Plasmafox the problem is not your feeling, the problem is the discrepancy of feelings between two people, it's both side. so talking it out is like a reality check together and then resolve from there.

[@lelouch0reki392]

@@xCCflierx We have the same pfp. For a second, I thought I had already watched the video a year ago and commented lol

[@bluearcticfox]

This is THE video I needed to see today. Recently I started developing feelings for a guy friend and I have not known what to do about it. I became tired of years of bottling up my feelings, so I wanted to "confess" today and then run away scared of the answer, as I have always done previously. But I clicked at the video at just the right time. So, right now we're having the conversation (it's still going - we met offline, but live in different cities at the moment). And it's turning out to be one of the healthiest conversations in my life. I know: even if I'll be sad at the end, at least I've saved MONTHS of wondering and hoping, and I will get better much faster, because I'm doing it now

[@dxfort1623]

Good luck with your approach

[@imacds]

Good job! I hope it works out for you.

[@shawnstewart7882]

Hey, although random, I'm looking for someone like you.

[@SmallBobby]

Good luck Foxy!

[@SemekiIzuio]

Well I'm im glad you said offline and not online cause those are more often then not, not real

[@iExploder]

It's weird though: why have we developed a convention, as a society, where men and women are basically required to be complete strangers in order to fall in love? Why CAN'T we start out as friends first? I would imagine that 3-6 months isn't, for a lot of people, actually enough time to get to know someone enough to know whether you want to engage in a romantic relationship.

[@ladykookosmile]

I agree, it's so weird and seems extremely high-risk.

[@milesstratosphere]

I'll drink to that. It feels like a normal sunny cloudless day but all of a sudden a nuclear bomb drops. It takes time to get to know with each other, to warm up first. Unless... you're looking for a casual relationship though (not serious one).

[@pipeline789]

Yeah, I totally agree. My crush at the moment told me the same. I realized that I grew feelings and not even three weeks in I told her, hey, I feel like I want to date you, what do you think about it? She told me she wants a relationship to grow out of a deeper friendship and leave the stress out of it, but she wants to deepen our relationship and know more about me. I still flirt outside of this engagement a little bit here and there, not that serious at the moment, but still.

[@davil1829]

Simply put, it's because of opportunity cost and ghosting. Why should you risk your friendship with someone for gambling on a romantic relationship if you can just keep it? It's pretty common in today's society to ghost your ex even if you had a good relationship and a "fair" break-up. So instead, people just avoid advancing in their relationship with another person and instead look for romantic feelings in complete strangers, 'cause you ain't losing anything if you get rejected, you break up or the relationship fails in any other way. In this day and age, it might even call it an inevitable process one individual has to go through. Forming friendships without tapping into the potential of romance and forming romantic relationships with strangers 'til something works out has now become the norm.

[@mauritsbol4806]

That’s not society unfortunately. That’s psychology. It isn’t logical. It is emotional. Love doesn’t make sense. Remember that. You can manipulate yourself and others to fall in love more or less, but it is like being controlling of your pet. It is not completely in your control, yet it mostly is, by using the levers that you have at your disposal.

[@AxelKnowsAll]

I “escaped” the “friend zone” after 8 or 9 years of pursuit. Lusting over someone for that long doesn’t put you in a place to have a healthy relationship and ultimately the flame burned out instantly. I wish I would have seen something like this when I was much younger but I can’t trade the lessons I’ve learned. Good luck friends!

[@DanielZ1337TM]

exactly what has been happening to me

[@kirsche4631]

And here I thought my 3 years were a long time ;)

*_"Good luck friends!"_* Are you friendzoning us?! ;-)

[@divhead3521]

been in the friendzone for 2 years and thought its very long, just confessed my feelings a week ago and I got rejected, after that I became more sad and always thought to myself we could've just stayed friends but im only saying that bc I miss them to the point that I want them back even as a friend where in reality thats the reason I've been in pain for the 2 years and friends will never work out. Stay strong folks !

[@ElliBeenie]

@@divhead3521 that sounds rough… :-( maybe you can take an official break from the friendship, so you can process your feelings (maybe with a therapist) and resume it a few moths from now? Wish you all the best.

[@alexanderelderhorst2107]

The worst part about a huge confession at the end of the friendzone is that the girl might actually have feelings for you too, and if you make a huge confession and catch them off guard then they might just panic and say no, and then you end the friendship and both of you feel regret. So what you said about having a casual talk about it is the best way to communicate it.

[@cole4pm318]

more people should read this

[@nafeeahnaf6296]

man this thing happened to me...

[@_WeDontKnow_]

this is so helpful. i've had such horrible problems with intense jealousy for a long time, i've been hoping you'd do a dedicated video on jealousy but i feel like this addressed some of the fundamental causes of it pretty well.

[@_WeDontKnow_]

@@EggEnjoyer ayeeee you as well friend!

[@TheESTRAEL]

Jealousy can come from being too possessive. A person is never yours! It's just your turn.

[@ridleyroid9060]

I suffer from intense envy as well, I made a post on the hgg reddit for it as well.

[@kevinlow69420]

Bro I'm the most jealous person in the world and I need it to stop

[@kassyyar97]

I think this is one of those isolated cases where I would recommend you go to therapy instead, that takes time to manage in a healthy way imo.

[@A123-d8o]

if someone is in the formative years watching these videos, taking it in, re-watching them, applying it, this is a literal game changer. this is amazing content. thank you so much, doc.

[@tom-n2w7i]

I dont think the friend zone should be avoided, but rather accepted. One woman who was a friend zone character many years ago introduced me to another woman and we had a beautiful relationship for a while...... Accepting a woman only wants to be friends can open other doors with other women if you let her be herself as your friend.... In other words, if she only wants to be friends, then let her help you as a friend should; by introducing you to other women.

[@xshadowscreamx]

The possible bad side to this is that the other woman could have thought ‘oh, no other woman seems to want him, so would i want him?’ You must have had enough things going for you.

[@the1stmetalhead]

It's sad to see how many young adults (especially men) suffer from this huge problem in our society that no one is willing to talk about or solve. Glad to have someone like Dr K is addressing this issue.

[@TheESTRAEL]

Dr K definitely helps reduce the suffering, but I also have to be grateful for my suffering. If I would not have suffered from this in the past I would not be the person I am today and I am grateful for that. I don't wish anyone harm. However I do think men new to the dating space have to see this as an opportunity and learn from their mistakes in order to grow. One video might help but experience it what really matters!

[@anonymous-hl5pi]

There’s no solution, just stop pretending to be friends with people while having ulterior motives. It literally makes you manipulative. You don’t suffer as a result of it. It’s not suffering to be friends with someone and pretend to like them as a person you entitled, privileged fool. It’s being dishonest. Cry about it

[@malenalucero6473]

Why is it a society problem? And why should anyone solve it? The friendzone is a term coined by men. Women just call it friendship. And no one puts men in that position, they put themselves there by not making their intentions clear. Why would you pretend to be friends with someone you don't see as a friend?

[@patrick-915]

@@malenalucero6473 According to some statistics released in 2019, around 28% of men aged 20-29 in the US had no sexual partners in their whole life. After the pandemic I suspect that this number surpassed 30%, getting closer to 1/3 of all of them, which means fewer couples being formed and fewer people being born, hence it is something that will affect any human society (see Japan and South Korea with a birth rate lower than 1.0). I'm not from the US btw.

[@malenalucero6473]

@@patrick-915 What about women not wanting to have kids? I don't really think the existence of 'the friendzone' is the reason why population is dropping. The case of Japan is very particular. Women are expected to choose between family or work, they can't have both because men don't do their part when kids get sick etc. Population drops when you force women to choose between financial independence and bearing children.

[@holybeetle4849]

This is most excellent advice. I'm proud to say I've broken the cycle recently. Told two women I had feelings much earlier than I typically would. It didn't result in romantic relationships, but the emotional self awareness to acknowledge it and not fear the outcome is freeing.

[@Sarah-re7cg]

This is such an important conversation. Omg. Omg omg omg. The part about saying “hey I need to step out of this and give myself time” is a type of boundary you are setting which shall be respected. You deserve to have your own boundaries respected (and vice versa)

[@WhitePillDave]

The friend zone is usually the man avoiding the risk of rejection by not making a move or showing his real intention. This is self defeating and leads to soft rejection + fake friendship. It absolutely can be avoided by making your intentions clear, making yourself a more attractive partner and being willing to accept rejection and quickly move on.

[@axl1002]

That's BS. Just keep your eyes open, if a woman is interested in you, you will feel it. You never knock on woman's door. if she wants you the door will be open.

[@WhitePillDave]

@@axl1002 Most guys are terrible at reading signals from women and women often give mixed signals, so being passive and waiting until you know for sure is a quick path to nowhere. Guys need to flirt more, and be more clear with their intentions

[@axl1002]

@@WhitePillDave Dude, the game has rules. You don't go in foreign country and demand they to speak your language. Flirting is a game that is all about not exposing your intentions. Women want to play, if you don't like the game you move on and stay single.

[@WhitePillDave]

@@axl1002 when I say show your intentions I mean by flirting. Flirting in it's very nature is showing romantic / s*xual interest. I'm certainly not implying a man should simp or confess his love, but he should be fun and flirt. But some men act too passive and justify it in their minds that they are playing it cool and not trying too hard.

[@magnarcreed3801]

@@axl1002 Not a game dude. If that’s how you feel about it you will get played. Just be clear with intentions. Most women don’t like the games. The guessing. Having to wonder if you’re a friend or a predator lurking.

[@boxie13]

If you treat people like people and don’t expect an outcome from them things can happen. I asked a girl out and she said no and we stayed friends because I respected her boundaries and she respected that I didn’t try to “change her mind”. We are good friends to this day.

[@boxie13]

My current girlfriend sees me having female friends that i retained after asking out as a big green flag that raised her confidence in me as a romantic partner.

[@brandonmai6278]

@@boxie13 1.) Congrats! it sounds like you have a healthy outlook on interpersonal relationships. 2.) This is always my advice since worst case scenario...you gain a friend!

[@boxie13]

@@brandonmai6278 thank you! I did not always. It took a lot of work and healing. Pro tip: if the idea of gaining a friend sounds bad look into that feeling dear comment lurkers

[@chasey4069]

This doesn’t always work. If you watched the video youll know why.

[@boxie13]

@@chasey4069 I’m not giving you a method that always works. But thanks for the feedback

[@Spbm10]

Finally, the first time someone says something that actually checks out for me. I used to think I was alien and worked differently, because everyone would condemn my behaviour and recommend actions that never felt right. Normally, I only develop romantic feelings for friends, but I usually wait too much "to make sure", because I tend to be afraid of being premature...and then the entire cycle in the video happens and it finally makes sense. I usually heard things like "You should make your intentions clear from the get go" or "You should not make it seem you want to be friends", and those never worked for me, because they were wrong and dishonest, because I did want to be friends and I could not let intentions clear from the get go because they didn't exist in the beggining, the intention was to be a friend. I used to be terrible at emotional awareness and I would only notice I had romantic feelings when I was deep into it and I would shock myself like something unexpected happened, when the truth was that I never understood myself. I'm past those days, thankfully, but now I finally learned where lies the problem: it's not premature to let things clear on the first sign and it is harmful to grow the feelings while hiding them to be on "the safe side" by making sure "your feelings are true". I had long since given up on love because I would always hear stupid advices regarding "timing" and now I actually see a way to do something. It's been awfully long, however, I have to deal with my apathy first now, but at least I know a direction to take when I feel things again.

[@andrecarvalho6691]

I relate a whole lot to that first part of "letting your intentions be clear from the get go". As you say, stuff feels dishonest. And, if I may add, completely counter-intuitive: if your partner can't be a good friend, then how can they be a good partner? I can't form romantic feelings without feeling they're good friends first. It just doesn't work that way for me, it simply doesn't. That said, it's also much better to realize and address those feelings as soon as they come up. That is where the problem lies for me.

[@Spbm10]

@@andrecarvalho6691 yeah, exactly, but people always said that this was wrong, some would even say men only befriend women with second intentions, including my mom...I felt so alien compared to everyone else that I gave up by thinking the way romance works for me doesn't fit reality. But the video made clear this is actually a common occurence with scientific evidence and that it is not a problem in itself (like many people also say), you just need to recognize your feelings and let them clear as they arise. Like you, this was my true problem and one nobody I ever met in life adressed, ever. Some love advices I recieved I even preffered not to even try because of how scummy they were. I'm so glad this video exists and that I'm actually a normal person, I don't feel like I lost cause anymore

[@youdonegoofed]

"I have to deal with my apathy first now, but at least I know a direction to take when I feel things again." Too relatable.

[@urfork1]

Man, I took your advice from this video and said something, and it was all it took for her to admit she also felt the same way Thanks Dr. K, your boy is massively up and I appreciate it.

[@ninjanerdstudent6937]

Long story short, people who experience the friend zone have anxious ambivalent attachment syndrome. I am so glad I am able to let go of friends and acquaintances and be secure by myself.

[@haruhidaso]

I believe you don’t actually even have to verbalize it. Just ask them to go on an actual one-on-one date once you get some feeling for the other side, and make sure to call it a ‘date’. They will get the message, and you should be able to know the answer simply from their reaction. It will either be: absolutely no, maybe, or yes. If it’s yes, just go for it. If it’s maybe, change your interaction or situation with them so it is slightly more romantic (late night study session, movie, etc.). If it was a clear no, give up and find a new girl to go after, and keep the friendship if you want to. Don’t forget that they used to be a great friend before you catched a feeling, no need to throw it out.

[@nbnbnb6549]

Thank you Dr. K. The fact that you're sharing info like this, AND FOR FREE, is amazing.

[@forest7178]

I really needed this right now, I started getting really close with this girl and I was going to let her travel far away from me without telling her how I feel about her. After watching this, everything makes sense from the first day we met to the day she left. I'm planning to meet with her this Sunday and I will "Solve this problem" with my friend :) thank you Alok

[@Yazan26579]

How did it go?

[@darealbingoxz1142]

Hmmm maybe not that great?@@Yazan26579

[@ms9001]

@@Yazan26579 probably failed lol

[@mladizivko]

Did you survive bro

[@forest7178]

@@Yazan26579 hey man sorry for the late respond only saw this now. I ended up sharing with her my feelings, but she didn’t feel the same way and looked at me as a close friend and in a brotherly manner. At that time I was honestly quite infatuated with her and she wanted to stay as friends and keep in contact. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to do that right now because of my feelings for her but one day when I get over these feelings we might be able to reconnect in her home country in the future. Honestly things ended pretty badly and in an argument where I just left and never talked to her again. I still have her contact details and she messaged me not too long later and we had a short chat. She seems to be doing well. I hope she’s continues doing well wherever she is and I hope I can meet her again someday to atone for that argument and immaturity I showed.

[@Jhawk_2k]

I had one of these exact conversations with a friend I'd been having romantic feelings towards. She is also very emotionally aware, so I know that when she told me that she didn't have romantic feelings that she's telling the whole truth. Glad I had the conversation the day before I left for a vacation, it's giving me some good time to continue working through my emotions. Thanks Dr. K, giving me some real hope (and tools). It's going to take more time to move completely past this, but I feel as though the "friendzone" phase of my life is on the way out. Now to see if I can start dating for the first time in like 6 years

[@ahanuban]

I have had to learn this lesson the hard way over many years, and I'm still working on it. But it's very validating and reassuring to hear that the strategy you recommend (early conversation, stepping back for a while if feelings aren't reciprocated) is what I have begun to do on my own.

[@júlia-p3z]

you're very eloquent, dr. K. This topic is such a bummer, it's kinda sad that most of my friendships with men ended just like you said. The thing about "friendzone" is that it is implied that something is going on when there's nothing and it can be so pushy that you feel you're dodging flirts instead of chatting with a friend. You never know when it's coming but the feeling I have now is that this can happen anytime with any friend, that's how frequent it happened with me. The solution is so simple, just be honest about your feelings and your intentions, if they reciprocate, good! If they don't, don't force it, take your time and move on.

[@peterharrell7305]

We need to stop having intersexual friendships, honestly. Neither gender is benefitting from them. Gender segregation should probably be a thing. Then, there could be designated areas to go where both agree that it's a "date seeking" environment.

[@gleipnirrr]

@@peterharrell7305 yeah, we should definitely segregate instead of... you know, making your intentions known from the start. great idea.

[@richerDiLefto]

@@peterharrell7305 Nah, segregation would just foster an “us-them” mentality and make relations between genders ten times worse. People of both genders just need to learn social skills and most of the crap that goes on can be avoided.

[@peterharrell7305]

@richerDiLefto I'm gonna need you to qualify that statement. Please provide an example of the intergration having a positive effect for both genders simultaneously.

[@júlia-p3z]

@@peterharrell7305 or maybe, but just maybe, men should start acting normal when around women and treat us like we are another human being and not something to sexualize, but yeah man, segregation is the answer

[@NeddyTheNoodle]

Hopefully some people can genuinely find this helpful because what he is saying is completely true. I ended up figuring out how to do this on my own. I told her that I had feelings for her and wanted to know how she felt. When she rejected me I just explained that yeah, I needed time to process stuff and we needed some strong boundaries. We stopped being friends, and having months away from her was a massive benefit to my mental health. Even now I feel confident that we could be friends because I feel recovered from the whole thing. So big takeaway, disengage. Do not stay in the "friendzone," it will destroy your mental health. Be in healthy relationships, not ones like that.

[@ebunni5862]

Holy shit this explains so damn much! I used to get "friend zoned" all the time. Going to therapy helped me control my thoughts and convince myself to stay away from things that hurt me; like distancing a friend because my emotions were too much. I didn't realize how I've never been "friend zoned" since. The last friend and I talked about our feelings and decided the age gap was too much and we'd rather stay friends. Sometimes I crush on him more again but I tell myself it's okey to have these feelings and it's okey to let them go. Also the idea that emotional connection is different for guys and girls is eye opening.

[@LostGuardsman]

Personal experience, I befriended a woman who was engaged to avoid friendzones and just have a genuine connection. Caught feels and spent 3 months out of contact before hanging out again. I'm proud to say we're gonna start making sour dough bread baking soon, and I'm hyped. It works, and I'm honestly pretty fulfilled just having a friend with a different perspective.

[@PossibleBat]

When I was younger, male friends wasn’t something that I even considered. I didn’t think I could relate to them in any way. When I got to know any boy, I immediately romanticized him and idealized him, so obviously eventually I’d develop a crush on him. But I really wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic sense. I just never had a male friend before. So I didn’t know how to FEEL. It’s so common to develop romantic feelings for others and later realize your mind didn’t know what to feel and kept trying to avoid you making friends, making those first months awful but as you actually get to know the person and build intimacy and trust, that shaky feeling, that nervousness, that awkwardness just vanishes. There’s a saying in Spanish that is very true "la confianza da asco" (something like: trust comes with disgust) meaning that when you have such a great amount of friendship and trust with someone, you’ll inevitably be more yourself. Normally people say it when their friends fart or do something embarrassing in front of their friends because they trust and love them like siblings, so they aren’t afraid a fart will break a relationship lol Long story short, congrats bro, having friends of all ages and sexes broadens not only our emotional range, but the amount of happiness and fulfillment we can feel.

[@kevinlow69420]

You're gonna make bread with your totally platonic female friend? Uh oh 🥴

[@KPHVAC]

I totally agree, never get into the friend zone!! Start off with the intention of dating and romance. Make that clear right up front!! You can be friends afterwards if things aren't a great romantic fit.

[@ladykookosmile]

@Nightsong Tarot having romantic feelings for someone is not exactly the same as wanting to "get into their pants".... it's often part of it, but definitely not the same. And why would that be hurtful to know?

[@tbl4858]

Videos like this are so helpful because I feel like it’s made just for me. I’ve struggled with a lot of things described in here and now, I know a direction I can grow in. Thank you for doing what you do Dr. K!

[@philspaghet]

This sorta kinda happened unintentionally with a female friend of mine. I noticed I had a bit of these feelings when we first started to hang out (mostly just thoughts of "what would a relationship with her look like?") and as we hung out more, we just talked about relationships and marriage more in general (since we're both about to graduate) and we found out we just have different goals and values in our future partners. She wants a lot of kids, I'm not that picky but I'm worried about finances related to that to begin with since I have a passion I want to pursue. When it comes to our Christianity, she believes in predestination, I believe in free will (this is something you could 100% tolerate in a friendship but would be disastrous when it comes to raising kids together). And a few other things that I'd rather not disclose. I'm glad I do have that bit of self esteem to recognize what I want in partner and not ignore those needs when considering a relationship and we're both able to help each other grow into better versions of ourselves because we can basically check and balance each others' expectations of the other gender without any tension.

[@captainpayne172]

I don't think Calvanism vs Armenianism would be disastrous for raising kids... it's not enough of an issue to break fellowship over, so just both present your point of view and let them decide.

[@ms9001]

so you and her just hung out as normal friends and talked about relationship and marriage? isn't that discussion for when you are dating?

[@philspaghet]

@@ms9001 Nah, it's more like we're just friends who can answer questions we have with the opposite gender's perspective

[@Nintendan95]

I have literally experienced and went through the stages you explained at 19:30 almost perfectly about a year ago (only difference is I told them about my feelings once they mentioned there was someone else they liked). It takes a while for the feelings to go away after cutting communication but it was incredibly effective and I'm glad I had the emotional awareness and understanding of the best thing to do in this scenario because I had my first experience with getting attention from a girl (and in response instantly pouring tons of emotional investment and attention back into her) a few months prior and oh boy I learned a lot about myself, my feelings and relationships from that. Found myself nodding along and being like "YEP exactly that, I've been there and done that!" during the second half of this video. My self confidence has grown in spades since the first experience, the old me and current me are like night and day difference, and that has also poured into me not worrying too much about relationships which is really nice. I actually cared about them like 0% up until these two experiences, but its a lot nicer to be in a space where I feel I'm worth being part of a relationship with someone, and have interest in one, but am not dying or really desperate for one right now.

[@callidus5586]

I glade you learned more about your self. You better than you used to be. Stories like this are can be impressionable if society gave flying f about men's feelings and mental health.

[@Dashmaster47]

Well this has been a really helpful Video to me. I have been in the friendzone for a couple times, while not interested in Girls that actually liked me. Usually my problem was that my feelings always revolved around Girls that I was already friends with and deepened the friendship with them just as you explained in the video. Also the exact things you mentioned happened to me aswell, the exchange of intimate information, while I receive them as romantic they think of them as building the friendship. Since I'm currently in the same boat (once again), but this time it's even more complicated because it's a colleague at work, it was still at the beginning of developing feelings for them. So after watching you video yesterday and took my courage to tell them about me starting to get feelings. While the result was not mutual, I immediately felt way better and not as destroyed as usually after the the long build up. Also the response was really nice, letting me know nobody told them their feelings in this way yet. While obviously this is still a punch in the gut, I feel like now I can move on, not communicating for a while and come back once I have something else going for me and resume the friendship. Thanks Dr. K for this video, it really highlights a lot of the things going on in the friendzone, especially while others are trying to make you look at Love signs and stuff, potentially making you think it's actually reciprocated Love. Reading through the other comments here, I feel like this video already helped a lot of people.

[@nonotanymore]

as someone who does not have the money or time for psychiatry and therapy, this channel has taught me so fucking much about my life and put so much internal questioning to rest

[@DevoteaSings]

I am so glad you said you can choose who you fall in love with because I've been feeling like that for a while

[@CriticalTechReviews]

Your videos usually make me pause and tear up or cry outright because something hits pretty hard. I am the anxious attachment type, and I have always struggled with the concept of trusting that other options will present themselves. It's why I fell completely apart when my husband passed, and it's what's shaped my "friendships" (usually letting myself be taken advantage of, in order to make sure they don't leave), and my friendzonings. "Omg, this boy is perfect for me, I will never find another one because he's so close to my ideal man, and it is therefore IMPOSSIBLE that any other man will compare!" Even though finding him in the first place proves that it can happen again. I will have more rational conversations with men I like, as it happens. I did lose over a year in unrequited love with a man who catfished me. I never met him and he wouldn't talk with me on the phone. I convinced myself he became distant and eventually all but left the friendship because something was wrong with me, but after it ended and my roommate and I watched the entirety of the show Catfish, it became clear that he had been the one with the problem all along. I did some digging and figured out a lot of stuff about him and there were a lot of things he embellished to seem "better." I realized that he had encouraged me in words to become emotionally involved, while shoving me away in actions, because he was afraid of rejection but unable to communicate that, and afraid of being physically or mentally vulnerable because he didn't realize that any dumbass with $2 for BeenVerified could know everything about him in minutes. As you said, attachment cools over time. He refused to give me a rejection or acknowledge what he was doing, which dragged it out SO much longer than it should have taken, but I managed to move on on my own. But I do still think of him occasionally, because I have trouble believing I will find someone as good as what I found out was true. The stuff he lied about didn't matter much to me. I forgot I paid for your courses but I should actually look through them. Thanks for all you do

[@simplyher]

I'm a woman and I feel like I'm being friend zone by a guy and the timing of this video couldn't have been much perfect. Thank you Dr K 🙏

[@ayangko744]

Do girls even struggle with this?

[@Anti-InternetTroll101]

@@ayangko744 yeah, they do

[@2much4thought]

I've listened to so many perspectives about this and THIS one makes sense! It feels so good to have clarity on this! Thanks for the wisdom 😁

[@rmello404]

I've been going through a phase of limerence for a friend of mine, this video is surely going to help me through it. Thanks dr.K!

[@docteurf9614]

Hot take: Apart from what's being said in the video, I think a lot of hetero men who have this issue lean towards the 'demi' side of sexuality, but that is rather incompatible with how hetero dating dynamics normally work for the side of men. The expectations associated with the male gender role in the context of romantic relationships run contrary to a 'demi' leaning.

[@MoMo-lj7up]

This has often been the problem when I tried to be friends with people who I thought were really attractive. What's worked best for me (and might not for everyone) is to really be aware of whether the other person is interested in me or not (its obviously very tough to tell, but I'll be looking for very obvious attempts at moving the relationship forward). If they don't then I'll think of them as a "no-go" and really focus on keeping the relationship platonic and maybe not investing too much emotionally. I'll also generally try to be social and meet new people. This has honestly worked wonders for me

[@edwhatshisname3562]

The worst mistake is becoming too attached and having high expectations before any kind of relationship has been established. If you make an effort not to become too attached from the beginning and don't have high expectations, then it becomes easier to cut people loose, especially women. This can also lead to more honest interactions, which is good for building a solid foundation for a relationship to exist upon.

[@lowtech42]

the most profound HG video yet imo. it really resonated with me because it's been the last great problem in my life that I had left to deal with. my escape fantasies that I used to cope with a relationship that had some traumatic moments led me to having feelings of limerence for my best friend. fantasies aren't healthy to indulge in nor are they supposed to come true 🙏🏿

[@innominategamer5511]

This is good advice if it actually plays out this way. The problem I run into is that several times the other person refuses to set clear boundaries and continues playing into the relationship because they like the adoration and attention they are getting from me. My feelings end up growing while they never have any intention of giving me a real romantic relationship. I've had this happen so many times I lost count.

[@EyeOfTheTiger777]

Same experience, the woman kept hanging on me over and over again. The first time she rejected me I couldn't even process my feelings, she called me every day and talked about how much I meant to her for like 7 hours etc. Good luck with having any degree of clarity when the woman who friendzoned you desperately wants to keep you close no matter what.

[@-lord1754]

@@EyeOfTheTiger777 Yup. At that point its just being used

[@D_Jilla]

​@Duxshan i haven't watched the video, but the first thing I think of is both you and the OP aren't setting your own boundaries. The behavior of these women do not sound healthy. Don't be a validation machine for these people. You have to tell them something like "hey, I do care about you,but the amount of attention and love you're giving me is something I've come to expect from partners. We are not romantic, so you have to cool off."

[@Petrichorus-]

@@D_Jilla exactly. The women these guys are talking about sound like they’re being selfish and playing games. The problem isn’t that the women haven’t set boundaries- their boundary IS overstepping, rejecting, and doing it all over again. So the real problem is that OP and the commenters did NOT send a boundary and consequence with the woman they were with. If you don’t like something, communicate it. If they don’t listen, enforce a consequence (ex: I’m not going to answer you when you talk like this because I’ve told you I don’t like it if you aren’t going to be honest with your intentions).

[@gleipnirrr]

it sounds like you shouldn't give adoration and attention until you get a clear answer then.

[@gamingfreak2_767]

This perfectly just described me I can see basically everything you said connecting to parts of my life😭

[@Sad-Lemon]

20:09 Dr K this is so important! At the beginning of the rejection period you must take some time and sort your feelings out. I repeat: it is not possible to remain a friend after rejection for some time. I went through this a couple of times and on one occasion it took nearly 2 years for things to settle. And it wasn't the same after. Trust me: it hurts like hell to be around someone you love without being loved back. Don't do this to yourself. Heal first!

[@Sayocakes]

That's very helpful and i learned so much from you and the community. This plus the calmness I've received from meditation made me so much more aware of everything. Thank you all for that.

[@BroccoliRocks]

Easy to avoid the friendzone. If you are interested in a person, build up a tiny bit of a rapport with them, but do not become a friend. Ask them out straight away. If they aren't interested move on and ask other people out. If you have already been living in a friend zone for a while tell your friend you want to go no contact for a while to get over the unrequited feelings. Most adults will respect that.

[@callidus5586]

Soild advice, you must love your veggies.!!!

[@DieFarbeLila88]

Solid! Can we pin this? I think a lot of ppl should read it!

[@onnol917]

You would be surprised how good the "I really like you so I am going no contact and let it pass" lands and how mutual contacts deeply respect that Edit: and sometimes this changes their mind, always do it for yourself though and never to play the long game

[@kamitorings]

No contact? I mean if they say no I just move on and not speak to them again to avoid any future conflict, if that's what you mean.

[@DieFarbeLila88]

@@kamitorings you don‘t have to go no-contact forever. Just until things have calmed down. If you choose so. And proper communication would not hurt as well so you don‘t hurt that friend unnecessarily

[@Desteroyah195]

The fact that what Dr. K explained about falling in love and expressing/confessing is counter-intuitive, at least in relation to what we think about love through media and what our parents told us about finding and getting a partner, is quite a shock. I can't recall anyone mentioning the "optimal period and method" (I'm paraphrasing what Dr. K said) of transforming friendship into love, it was always "if you have feelings towards someone, court them and confess, unless you're faced with a solid NO as an answer. and even then you can try some more, in case she's testing you".

[@JohnnyYeTaecanUktena]

Yeah no, you can't just assume she is testing you like that and even if she was then that is a bad sign as since you continued thinking "What if she is just testing me and actually means yes?" she could claim sexual harassment. If someone says no it is always better to assume they mean no

[@Desteroyah195]

@@JohnnyYeTaecanUktena That was meant to represent the PUA and red-pill communities spouting the "shit-testing strategy" women are supposedly using. I respect the "no" as an answer.

[@JohnnyYeTaecanUktena]

@@Desteroyah195 Usually their shit testing strategies are not just saying "No". The red pill people avoids the ones that do say no even if they think the woman is shit testing as that is a major red flag to stay away from her especially if she comes chasing after you because you walked away. Also i have no idea what PUA means

[@rachellejanssen2655]

fuck, I makes so much sense why I feel so attached to my former date, now best friend. Deep down I'm clearly not over her yet. I don't feel like she friendzoned me, because we mutually decided that we'd rather be best friend than lose each other completely. It's the best friendship I've ever had and she says she really cares about me because for a brief moment we not only had a great time but we also got to know each other in a very meaningful way but man... I've never self such strong emotions since I met her... It would be easier (and not as healthy) to just cut ties and never see or deal with each other again.

[@InboxJYP]

ok so. think more about how you are being treated and less about your feelings for her. are you always being used for your time and resources? look objectively at whether or not you are being used or if it's a healthy 2 way relationship.

[@Jefrejtor]

You said it yourself, you're not over her. And it's kinda hard to grieve for a relationship while it's still alive

[@flowerbomb1907]

She dont, become sigma, make the grind start, dont look for women, look up for money and power. Become the better u, become sigma.

[@SemekiIzuio]

Or meet someone else and spend more time with someone else or other people

[@suntzu6468]

@@flowerbomb1907 Money and power will only make you feel as though you are compensating for your perceived "romantic failures." If you ever end up in the predicament that OP has, treat yourself kindly, and give yourself time away from this person your are heartbroken over, and converse about this issue with other friends in your life. Look for things you enjoy to do, and let yourself have a little bit of fun. Maybe even meet new people through mutual friends or at social gatherings. If your feelings end up leaving, then feel free to reengage into a friendship with your old friend.

[@AllyLikeAllie]

Thank you for this. I've been talking with a long-time friend very regularly recently and knew I needed to have this conversation by the end of the month. This video gave me the motivation to advocate for myself and have it now, rather than waiting.

[@m.e.studios1109]

I as a woman appreciate this! After a lot of instances where I apparently friendzoned, I felt like I was the one doing the hurting. But it’s also very hurtful to see that the men that you can talk to, leave when you’re not interested in that way. It always left mee feeling I was not good enough of a person to just hang around with and chill… And that as a woman, I can only connect romantically with men because it has felt like the only acceptable way to keep them around me, otherwise they would leave… I’ve always chilled more with the guys, as in general I cannot relate to a lot of women, but it has left me isolated as I don’t want to hurt the people around me, so now friendships with men and women scare me… I just want to chill… 😅

[@JB-mh5xy]

We don't want to chill with you. Be alone. Get some cats or a dog.

[@reallyanotheruser7290]

Being a man this also confuses the hell out of me. Makes me think im aromantic or asexual because i cannot wrap my head around men not talking to a woman anymore at all because of that. Like, i get that its tough to get over the romantic feeling, but how are men complaining to have no friends and being alone and then throwing away an awesome friendship like that? Combined with what Dr K said its like fuel to the fire, youre alone again, which means less emotional support and stuff, and you are again only hanging out with a single girl as soon as you date the next one, which perpetuates the cycle.

[@MarveliciousG]

Well it depends, can a guy crash at your place? Can he really be real with you? Shit talk with you? Of course it doesnt work with all guys, but a lot of times from my experiences, women dont go to the same lengths as my guys for me and I for them. It often feels one sided and more like relationship without the sex

[@JB-mh5xy]

@@Dimitris_Half Just had sex last week, bub. Bridesmaid at a wedding. You all need to find a new insult. The incel one is getting as old and tired as the conservatives talking about "attack helicopters" as a gender. Not every man who is dissatisfied with love and romance is an incel. We have valid grievances, and women aren't perfect, but punk bitches like you don't want to call them on their shit.

[@JB-mh5xy]

@@MarveliciousG That's because it is a relationship without the sex. Think about any time you've been friends with a girl. It's LITERALLY a relationship dynamic with no sex. You're being used.

[@guitarman0365]

Avoid the friendzone by not accepting it. Only you can frienzone yourself nobody else can. If you want romance and they dont move on simple as that. But this means you have to get rid of one-itis.

[@massivemcgee]

Oh my god this explains so much about why a recent rejection I had was devastating and made me cry for weeks!

[@scheitahnberg]

As a woman I'd like to contribute the fact that I TRY (as in make a very active effort) to friendzone everyone. Perhaps it relates more to my own experiences and a way to save some hurt in the first place. BUT. there's nothing more attractive than a person being attracted to me. So please take this as a generic advice to be brave to share your feelings. Presented with a fact that someone I haven't considered romantically prior shares their attraction would be the first time I consider it. Attraction to the idea then potentially GROWS (it takes time to reconsider status quo and unlock the safety vault on any feelings) into a mutual attraction. In my mind that's a perfect scenario for a potential relationship if I could make one up. I wouldn't date someone I haven't known as a friend first.

[@magnuslunzer2335]

A good thing is to not get „addicted“ to the other person. Don‘t spend every hour with him/her, dont‘t tell him/her everything and spend time with other people. The point is: If you are available all the time, there is no single need for the other person to want you because they already have you. So you need to control the availability and you also need to control rivality. If noone else wants you, you‘re still easily be available for that person. So you have to meet or even date other people that might start a relationship with you. Also don‘t be overwhelmlingly nice, but always be friendly on a normal level. So that the person you like might think: „Wow he‘s nice but I‘m shure there‘s more“ This of course doesn‘t work all the time but it increases chances (with that person but also with other people) and also doesn‘t make you addicted to one person. Nevertheless, you‘ll feel better.

[@redintheface]

I wish I’d found this video sooner, I lost someone who I was my best friend and I didn’t tell her until the weeds had taken over. It ended badly and we aren’t talking anymore. Thank you for making content like this available for free ❤

[@wanderingrandomer]

6:01 This is actually really interesting. I used to catch feelings for people all the time, mainly because I struggled with making friends, so when I did, it was special to me. The last two times it happened, it was when I was under some level of stress. First when I was a month into my new job, and I was in full anxiety mode trying to figure out my life. Then, about 10 months into my job when I was really starting to get overwhelmed and unhappy.

[@Paxility]

I would actually like to hear what the impacts of the freindzone on the other attachment styles is.

[@calebevans2258]

I recently went through a situation exactly like what you describe. I started a new job and within a few weeks of working there noticed I was getting feelings for this one girl. We were friends for ab 3 months before I told her how I felt, and got friend zoned. Now I’m in this terrible situation where we’re still actually friends and get along well at work and I still have feelings for her baddd. I don’t know if I should just quit my Job and distance myself from her so my feelings don’t keep growing or what To add to that , I was emotionally aware. I could feel myself catching the feelings and early on I tried to suppress the feelings but couldn’t. She’s older than me and I tried telling myself she’d never date me because of that , but that obviously didn’t stop my feelings from growing. I should’ve told her earlier on but I’d never told someone how I felt about them like that before. I count the fact that I was at least able to convey to her how I feel ,in person and not over text or something like that, as a win. But I regret, despite knowing that stepping away from the friendship after I was friend zoned would be beneficial, I didn’t. She said nothing would be awkward between us and I took her word on it and continued on as if nothing had happened and so did she. But that has not at all helped my feelings go away. I keep telling myself there’s still a chance one day even tho I know that’s not true. I mean it could be but that’d be a miracle lowkey lol

[@spooklass3588]

This video is literally the solution to the problem I've been having for the past 4 months. I wasn't really in the "friend zone", it was more like this romantic-but-not-dating hell scenario. But still, this video gave me the solution I've needed for a while. Thank you.

[@slimbroski5335]

I NEVER thought of this or heard of this. Just having an honest easy going conversation with the person you like. Wow. 😮 so simple and yet brilliant.

[@nicholastheawesomedude4080]

Referring to 23:08, I can't believe this, but after being friendzoned by a lot of people over the years, I feel like I almost self learned how NOT to fall in love with someone. This video really helped clear up the fog around what I kind of formulated, and even gave me a solution to if I DID fall in love with someone. Thank you HG and Dr. K, this video really profoundly helped.

[@Hemlocker]

So glad you emphasised the point about attachment styles and the pitfalls of generalised advice. The comments of every video on this topic are always full of a wide variety of advice, which should suggest that there aren't any set-in-stone rules. "Just make your intentions clear upfront" sounds like great advice, and for many people I'm sure it works out, but there are plenty of people for whom it would be a bad idea. Plenty of relationships start from friendships, even ones where there are some unrequited feelings. I think people need to just develop as much awareness as possible: of their own feelings, the responses/cues they're getting from the other person, etc. rather than trying to learn advice from some internet stranger who knows nothing about that particular person and their situation.

[@andrecarvalho6691]

This exactly!

[@canadianturtle7240]

Your comment is a gift from God. So much truth in your comment, I wish it was upvoted more. Different rules for different people, is the moral of the story. For some people, picking up girls is as easy as looking them in the eye and having them love you at first sight. For others, they need to game their way up by being "friends" first.

[@RB_Musik]

The problem with us indian kids back then was that unrequited love was romanticized by cinema and songs. They told us if we just kept trying eventually she'll change her mind.

[@DieFarbeLila88]

Yeah, that sounds like terrible advise. Harass the woman until she breaks down. Classic 🫣

[@richerDiLefto]

That seems to be the case with American cinema as well, except it’s usually about a dorky guy who gets the cute girl at the end of a story instead of a “cool” guy (and the opposite is also often true). This trope is cute and entertaining, but it’s been on the media so long and so often that people forget that it makes for great storytelling because of its highly *unrealistic* and out of the ordinary nature. This sort of media sets average people up for having unrealistic expectations from the opposite sex in real life, and it’s harmful.

[@Sarah-re7cg]

It’s exactly that in the US as well and it’s so toxic. I’ll have to find a go-to book that helps people deconstruct those ideas and beliefs because a lot of people then don’t have an example of what a healthy romantic interaction is and how to handle rejection in a way that respects both parties boundaries

[@Sarah-re7cg]

@@richerDiLefto it’s not just unrealistic, it’s just not any form of a healthy romantic dynamic which pisses me off because then we have a bunch of guys who model their behavior off of this and keep getting awful responses so they’re left feeling confused and angry and then women are just being blatantly harassed and treated with no sense of agency or autonomy and so they’re scared and confused 🤦🏻‍♀️ just a giant mess

[@KRodBabay]

Facts! Bollywood has the worst depiction of love and marriage

[@giromohlaalu5703]

The time you waste with somebody doesn't value you the way you do to them, the time you are delaying other person to enter your life that does love you.

[@wolfgangamadeusmozart758]

I was supposed to hit the hay 30 minutes ago but I swear to god this video worth staying up past midnight. It is so life-changing that I thought WHY DIDNT I FIND YOUR CHANNEL BEFORE EVERYTHING! Thankyou!

[@Megaman8880]

I have accidentally been doing this my whole life lol. Literally the moment I feel like I'm starting to care about a woman I tell her immediately. 90% of the time it works out just fine.

[@ridleyroid9060]

I am jealous of you, I imagine that % would be close to 0% for me.

[@gleipnirrr]

@@ridleyroid9060 you can always choose to walk a different path. the consequences are most likely less scary than you think they are.

[@khayyamaurelius912]

@@ridleyroid9060 you'd be surprised.

[@kassyyar97]

@@ridleyroid9060 yeah just be clear of your intentions since the beginning and thats it.

[@notarealfairy]

I got diagnosed with autism really young and a part of that was being able to get help around, like, everyday things. I realised when I was like 8 or 9 that I'm never gonna get anywhere if I try to be as likeable as possible and its just gonna be better to risk being a bit blunt and off-putting sometimes. since then I've always been forward with what's on my mind and what I want out of that; I swear that interacting with people has been like slicing through butter ever since.

[@katamas832]

This is actually true, after being friendzoned a couple times I have started distancing myself ever so slightly from girl friends who I'm developing feelings for. And they tend to remain at bay that way.

[@sahdirmistry557]

There is something I definitely agree with. When men has attachments to a girl that they are talking to more than anyone else. Females on their side has tons of guy friends they talk to on a daily basis. Whereas with men we establish are main source of friends being with men then having that emotional connection with a female definitely develops the relationship more into actually falling in love with them. I see the solution as either spending less time with them to not get emotionally attached or trying to get more female friends to release more emotional energy around them so you are not focused with one.

[@lemontea576]

Love the new topic focused videos that have banners for key points and the balance of Dr K talking naturally like he’s talking to a viewer but also structured and clear. I think it’s a good balance with the more casual and flexible viewer interviews esp as a lot of the “filler” words in between during those convos can also be beneficial

[@Caphalem]

After being on the really bad end of this a few years back and now learning all of this information, this is like revisiting an area where you experienced a horrible accident and now are analyzing what, how and why it exactly happened as a third party of sorts giving lots of insight. Perhaps this is a form of closure.

[@hollowedboi5937]

I think I’m glad I’ve had awkward situations and blown up confessing because it helped me learned what not to do, as well as the moments things went well. I had a negative idea that things only went well when the girl asked because I could handle it on the other end. Tho I’ve had very healthy conversations with long time friends that continued because we talked it out and what we both wanted. Honestly and Communication at opportune moments (in the beginning). Super scary, but honest, rip the band-aid off while it’s fresh so you can move on in whatever direction in a healthy and timely manor. Got it.

[@jennie22.02]

just learned this lesson painfully, and this was actually the result i came to for how i would do things differently. walk away before your feelings grow (if the person is specifically unavailable), or have a conversation about it. im going to take this video as a sign that im getting over it 😅 and i'll be more aware if the situation comes up again

[@jennie22.02]

...also it's not hard to get people to buy oreos 😂

[@krissyeva]

I'm really glad hes talking about this, it really sucks to be on the receiving end of somebody's "friendzone" and to have them just casually admit they never valued your friendship beyond becoming a girlfriend to them. So many guys just project their own needs onto women and then get upset when we express how used it makes us feel.

[@_WeDontKnow_]

watch the video and you'll see it's very understanding from both sides. guys aren't trying to "use" anyone for a romantic relationship, these feelings arise with a stronger bond because that's how males work on a scientific level just like you have expectations and boundaries of how you want the relationship to go, the guy also has expectations and boundaries of how they want the relationship to go. you shouldn't put more fault on one side for conflicting interests, especially when it's just a result of how our brains evolved differently over millions of years

[@MonkeyDIvan]

You both make some good points.

[@krissyeva]

@@_WeDontKnow_ Theres a few things I disagree with here(Not the video, i did see it, obviously. its the comment section of said video.) "Males" don't work like that, men are socialized to not communicate their feelings and suppress them, often leading to underlying views about themselves and viewing women as almost token currency in order to be able to have a level of confidence with other men. There's a reason why we see so many men rushing into romantic relationships that they feel strongly attached to but never even recognizing the feelings of the recipient and then resenting them because of all that build up, like Dr K said. It simply makes the recipient feel used as a result even if that wasn't the intention of the person who developed the feelings, when you've repeatedly had people view you being friends as a "sign". Its not "male biology" its the socialization of men to be deprived of affection by parents and peers in favor of "masculinity"

[@gemain609]

@@_WeDontKnow_ Bruh males don't "work like anything" on a scientific level. Behavioral and social psychology is mostly learned per the whims of the society you occupy not a bio essentialist feature that dictates behavioral and social outcomes so please stop with the appeals to evolutionary biology. Guys (and gals) who believe in a friendzone are doing exactly what the OP says. Rather than realizing their feelings of romantic interest won't be reciprocated and that the other party is more comfortable maintaining a platonic arrangement, they double down on delusionally thinking that they can "convince" the other person to feel the same feelings that they have for said "friendzoner". The "friendzone" is a one-sided experience of projection by one person who's convinced themselves that rather than communicating that a platonic arrangement won't work cause they still have feelings for the person and this moves on, they continue to pursue them even though the other person has already said they aren't interested.

[@PcCAvioN]

Yall want the boyfriend treatment without giving it up. That's the friend zone. That's you using us

[@shadowdreamer9985]

Im Brazilian, and i was diagnosed by social fobia, thanks dude u gave me a new perspective about relationships and myself.

[@Morofushinho]

I started developing feelings for a girl friend, and I was ashamed about it because she was in a relationship with my friend. I couldn't tell her. Probably should have, but I really couldn't, given the situation. So I just became distant and reduced exposure, as dr. K advised. They got married last week, and I've been having lots of mixed feelings since I was invited and attended the wedding. I was happy for them, but also felt lonely and sad for myself because I habe been struggling to make space and free my mind of the dead-end feeling I was having for her. It is really hard, and I still think the right thing to do right now is to go on and forget about all of this, even if it's really hard because I see them often.

[@acidgambit8138]

If you find yourself catching feelings, then make your intentions clear. Then let her decide. Remember you're risking the friendship in order to be in a romantic relationship. If she doesnt recipricate then move the heck on. Thats how you get out of the friend zone. Shoot your shot or lose the friendship. Thats a risk youre going to have to take.

[@gianz73]

My humble suggestion to you guys is to keep in mind that interest in a person can evolve in romantic attachment or friendship like a crossroads. When you've met someone that attracts you, do NOT take the friendship path, but talk to them and ask them to go out and eventually date. They might say no, but at least you won't have invested a lot in that dream/hope and can avoid all the troubles (hurt, lower self-esteem, remorse, waste of time, self-isolation etc.) it might cause. Once you tread the apparently safer path of friendship, it's unlikely it will then transform into a romantic interest on their side. Better lose someone when they still dont mean too much to you than losing them anyway but with lots of damage.

[@debanikgoswami4834]

Yeah, too many simps put themselves into the friendzone .

[@drschwandi3687]

The friendzone? I often think this is just being not attractive enough.

[@arnoldo6608]

Not honest enough*

[@jdatin770]

Here after viewing the most recent members stream. You can go back as far as you want in dr k's catalog and find something useful.

[@depressingmcnugget3207]

The way he dissected my love life so accurately is honestly impressive and a bit terrifying

[@01s4biturbo]

@11:16 - My plutonic relationship with the now disgraced former planet is, I am afraid, indeed unrequited. I am glad you made this video to help me identify my issues and move on from them.

[@dankwok2130]

Can you please consider doing video on the topic about how to act when you're on the other end of the situation - when you don't return someone's feelings? (Thanks for you hard work and helpful content)

[@sophiaisabelle027]

Avoiding the friendzone can be quite difficult. If a person says they don't wanna be with you in a romantic sense, then they're firm about it.

[@gujono.eiriksson8553]

Attraction is not really that much a choice. If you have intuition you can know if you are her type from the first time she sees you (she could grow to like you later though, but being secretly in love with someone and like being torn up about it is a bit cringe --- granted, that it may take time to get over, and we should have compassion for those).

[@isaiah1927]

It's actually easy just don't be friends with the opposite sex. Unless you're dating. You never get friend zoned.

[@AXharoth]

if someone doesn't like you , just fukking move on

[@prointernetuser]

@@isaiah1927 that's not a great way to go about it. The inability to form platonic friendships with the opposite sex is kinda immature.

[@Paxility]

@@isaiah1927 I think that would do more harm than good to your love life.

[@hooshangmaster]

key thing is being in control and alert of your emotions. if you just dive in with limerence you're just blasting one sided desire and it comes off as a huge bomb of feelings put on the other person.

[@HashBandicoot356]

I let my emotions grow like weeds out of control for ....15 years. Don't let it happen to you. It's extremely unmanageable now post-rejection. If i had asked her within year 1 or 6 months of feeling this way, I know I would be completely fine if the answer was the same. Don't make my mistake for even 2 years.

[@Zenkyuu8921]

I’ve been friend zoned of course, but when they say it’s because they don’t feel like they’re good enough, that hurts more than just a normal friend zone.

[@deleted01]

They lied to protect your feelings

[@Naznart]

I think another reason why the rejection is so harsh, is because the person who is being confessed to feels totally overwhelmed and kind of used. They have been your best friend and they trusted you for so long and all of this time you (their best friend) have been keeping this huge secret and ulterior motives from them. It kind of devalues the friendship, because what was great and amazing for them apparently isn't enough for you.

[@danieloleary3448]

Never thought of it that way but makes sense. Could understand how a person might feel subverted that way, like “How’ve you been keeping this from me this whole time?” maybe catches them off-guard

[@tomc4187]

It's not necessarily conscious. Some people only feel romantically to those they've known for a while. That's not malicious, that's just how they are. It sucks when that's mismatched with what others want, but it's not their fault either. Some people don't experience initial or immediate attraction.

[@eonstar]

@@tomc4187 That's fair tom. But there are unfortunately people who go into friendships with those ulterior motives. I think that's the mindset people are trying to tackle over just eventually developing feelings for someone.

[@meliorbutterfly]

make sense

[@rajneeshmishra6969]

I've heard this argument before. But yeah it's hurtful for both, I say, that confess to her, she says yes - good. And if No, get out of there, don't be friends or anything, just run out of there. You'll feel pain too, and maybe she will too, but yeah imo none of you are wrong about what you feel. So chill, and move on, it happens, it's the part of life.

[@ri-oj1ul]

I have to say.... the biggest traumas I've experienced in my life were the men who I thought were my friends, who one day (usually while drunk at 2AM) showed up and confessed their love for me... then abandoned me, or waited until i was most vulnerable to do so... or subtly tried to wreck my life... or sometimes not so subtly.... or tried to rape me... generally when I was heartbroken over some other guy and needed a friend... yea none of them ever "took some time to collect themselves" and resume the friendship after i "rejected them"... And these experiences were soooo much worse for me than anyone I dated because you're cautious with people you date since you expect them to vanish any minute... but your friends, especially those who have been a fixture in your life for years.... well... they would never do that... but they always left me heartbroken somehow... Anyway... eventually I did learn that my desire for friendship with someone who has common interests was a much greater risk than it was worth... So now outside of a professional context... I don't talk to men unless I have some interest or intention to sleep with them. I don't have any friends... but nobody has tried to rape me in a while now... it's quite nice actually.

[@Yuvraj.]

Im sorry for what you’ve experienced. It seems like all the worst aspects of the “other end” of this friendzone dynamic have happened to you, not a perspective I grew up aware about. If i had conversations like this growing up as a male, I would have been able to empathize with women better and acted differently as well. Thank you for putting your experience out there.

[@rodieee]

I like your approach a lot. On both sides we seem to be too optimistic that the other person wants the same thing as us from the relationship. We fail to acknowledge this because it's counterintuitive and hurtful to see the other as so different from you. That's why I think it takes courage and understanding to change your approach so drastically as you did. I wish I could tell you something that indicates when a guy has no romantic/sexual interest from a relationship, but I haven't figured that out.

[@humblebrazilian6678]

I just want to say thank you so much for all of you vids, You've done so much for me without even knowing me. Lots of love from Brazil ❤

[@wilsonwong431]

Hey Dr K, I think out of all the videos this has been the most useful and something I've actually implemented into my life. Right now I have feelings for someone that I wouldn't have told originally, but maybe has gone on a little long. Going through these experiences has definitely let me grow

[@identity7845]

Having a talk about arising feelings without confessions. The thing is, a lot of... young people catch feelings really fast, infatuation, it's hard to downplay that talk as if it's not a confession of sorts and a rejection of sorts if she doesn't share the sentiment. I have had a talk like this with a girl before and the worst part was that she was very "wishywashy", indecisive. It's ok to not know how you feel about a person, but it's frustrating to be on the receiving end of that.

[@RedUmbreonGirl]

This is a great video, but I feel like it lacks some really important things. I've helped my guy friends through this before so I have some advice and points to make. 1. What do you do if you can't not see your love interest? You work together, go to school together, etc. In that case I tend to recommend people focus on making more friendships and make more room in their lives for other people. Maybe go to lunch with other coworkers, maybe in class make new friends. You can still interact with the old person. Interactions and impact are heavily dependent on how much of that kind of interaction you have. It's why often women don't easily fall in love back. They have enough intimate interactions that the platonic ones can remain platonic. 2. How distant should you get? It kind of makes you an asshole if you say you need space and then never talk to your friend again, and it is effectively putting them in the girlfriend zone. My rule of thumb that could help with that, is halve the interactions you have. If you see each other weekly, see each other every other week. If you see each other daily, go down to every other day. If every other day isn't enough, cutting down to weekly helps. Then, build other friendships/relationships in the time you would be with the other person. Don't just fester thinking about them because when you think of the other person it's kind of like you're spending time with them. You'll likely need to think of them some to process your own emotions but within the first week or two just not thinking about them at all when they're not around can be really helpful. The building other relationships makes that also easier to do. Try this for a month or two, then check back in with yourself and see if you still need to maintain the distance, increase the distance, or have accepted being platonic and can go back to the regularly scheduled activity that brought you together. 3. "I feel bad because I'm still attracted to her physically." That's okay. Don't like make her uncomfortable but it's totally normal to think your friend is hot. You can't necessarily act on that feeling, but having it isn't the end of the world, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. All the instances where I've felt this or someone has confided in me generally settle over a month or two if you don't interact with them. Sometimes those feelings ebb faster or slower.

[@ThatGmoney]

I cared for someone and I honestly wanted to clear the air and established what we are to each other. I already knew the guy I was talking to didn’t have a firm grasp of his identity and I saw the signs of control when he told me “he was trying to figure himself out” and he spoke-for-me “I’m still trying to figure myself out”. Right thereI already knew he was trying to figure himself out but (to me a NUTURING FRIENDSHIP) was the best idea for both of us and for three days I was encouraging him this is not healthy, let’s start off as friends. I remember when he told me how this person who happen to be gold digging this guy started insulting him because he was not going to enable any person gold dig him. However, that guy became the gold digger to me. That was so hurtful and I told him that and tried ny very best before blocking him. When he told me he didn’t want to out all his eggs into one basket. I saw that addiction and attachment disorder and I had to block. I would be enabling that addiction. That was tough. Like really tough, still tough but I learned I had to face the pain of those words because healing is the ultimate goal and that is the process of healing is admitting how painful this situation was. I am proud of myself despite how attracted I was, that I have a better understanding and I am able to communicated and take care of my feelings whereas we were in different wavelengths. Do I know? I do not want to assume. The fact was he doesn’t know how to take care of his feelings and if he can’t identify with that. It is was it is.

[@corneliahanimann2173]

This is such great advice!

[@isabellefaguy7351]

I dont' get why men are so inconfortable with having friends who are "hot" (to their specific standard). I like having "hot" male friends (and also "hot" woman friends), it's a bonus. Not only do I get to have a great friendship with someone I like a lot of other aspects about them, but they're also nice to look at, which makes moments together just more enjoyable. It's like men expect that they will have sex (or get into a romantic relationship) with every woman they think is "hot" (or with the first one they meet). There will be a lot of people of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're into that) that you will meet that you will think are "hot". Doesn't mean you'll act upon that sexual urge everytime... or does it for men? Can't they look at a "hot" person and just think "That's nice to see, that makes my day to have had the opportunity to see such a "hot" person."? Sometimes, it makes me feel that men are never happy with just a nice scenery or a nice sexual arousal and are only happy if they can act upon it.

[@gleipnirrr]

@@isabellefaguy7351 it's not a men thing. it's an 'unattractive' thing. the men you talk about are lonely and can't easily get appreciation from the opposite sex. - "it's like men expect that they will have sex with every woman they think is hot" - wrong again. It's like unattractive people don't like to be reminded that if they catch feelings for the opposite sex, it's likely they'll get rejected. It's really not a good feeling to be near something you know you could never have. And it's not that hard of a concept to understand.

[@SmallBobby]

@@gleipnirrr That type of life experience sounds miserable lol.

[@tarkangaming_]

Hey man thanks so much for making this. This has given me a lot closer to closure for me. During my teens, I feel in love with a chick way older than me and she exploited that and groomed me. I feel disgusting knowing it happened to me. If only you made this years ago before I got taken advantage of. This honestly explains my issues so well and it brings me peace

[@SpaghettiNachos]

LOL I confessed because I felt guilty about feeling that way about them, because I never wanted to feel that way about them. We're still good friends, but I may have damaged it a little. But look! Realize you have not lost A THING. There was never a thing to lose. Be their friend when you're ready. In my case, it was right away. But never ever start treating them worse just because they didn't share mutual feelings. They'll only think you were nice to them to get in their pants.

[@indigotaylor-noguera7119]

Dr. K I greatly appreciate your videos, they have helped me a great deal in this past month and they have greatly helped me in demystifying my own life and my own psyche. They have also helped me to reduce the number of bricks in the bag that I was carrying so to speak. Thank you! This is a great topic for a video and one that is relevant to me, especially having been friend-zoned more times than I care to admit. One thing I have struggled with when interacting with girls and women that I am attracted to is being able to effectively strike that balance between not being boring and platonic, but not being weird, creepy, overbearing and uncomfortably forward or aggressive. If you were willing, I'd love to see a video specifically on that matter. Another thing I have struggled with and I'd love to hear your insights into this, this may sound like a black and white statement, but it seems like every time a girl or woman I am attracted to seemed to like me or respond positively to me, I have done something or said something to screw it up or bungle it, often without realizing it. Again, I'd be interested in hearing about your thoughts on this.

[@indigotaylor-noguera7119]

And yes I have waffled in the friend zone when I liked a girl being afraid to make my intentions known.