"What's the Point in Dating?"

[@ShadowOfMachines]

To me dating has been something other people do. I can't even begin to imagine anyone being actively involved in my life, let alone dating them.

[@WINT3R_94]

I feel the same way about finding a job. It feels so foreign to me now I can't imagine actually having to wake up and go to a job again. I can't get a call back anyway in 3 years so I think it's over..

[@rw5622]

Well sounds like this video is for you then.

[@phosspatharios9680]

This. Reminds me of this time back when I was a teenager and I went to write a slice of life story involving married people and I realized I literally had no idea of what life with a relationship looks like. It was funny and depressing at the same time. As Dr.K said in the video, we look at other relationships and see couples doing this and that, but these are only insignificant pieces that can't even begin to describe the real whole thing, but since we don't know any better for ourselves, we create a fantasy of what relationships are.

[@sangheili333]

I feel the exact same way, it makes perfect sense for anyone else to be in a relationship, but me? Feels illegal, impossible even

[@Yamyatos]

@@rw5622 Not necessarily. OP sounds like i myself, in where i always thought i'd eventually find a significant other and would marry and have children or whatnot, since everybody does. I couldnt really ever imagine it.. not because i doubted myself or have too high expectations of my partner tho, simply because i couldnt see myself actually invest time into that. Pretty sure im aromantic or smth. I just dont care about nor want a romantic (or sexual) relationship whatsoever. It just seems like a hassle to me. Not something i would want my life to revolve around. Im happy with doing great in my job and having a good time gaming with friends. And that's literally all i want from life.

[@TheFMCFG]

Wait, you guys are getting dates?

[@18yearoldcel]

Nuh uh

[@brendantjeerdsma492]

Nope

[@true-dark-mind9681]

Unfortunately, as a dude, can confirm I get no dates

[@Ziggyvu]

Unless you go up to random women or do online dating, the only other way to find women is to be out and about in a big social group and have your friends set you up and say good things about you especially platonic women friends.

[@brendantjeerdsma492]

@@PessoaAleatoria01 That works if you're still in School. Unfortunately there aren't many places where you can meet women after you graduate. The Workplace, various Religious Institutions, and the Night Scene are the best places to meet Women in real life nowadays.

[@greenesthue1545]

28 and have never been on a date. Im so intimacy deprived that if someone were to even just give me a hug i'd break down. God i hate my life.

[@nn-ll5ws]

I'm also 28, will be 29 this year and am in need of a hug, but unlike you ,perhaps, even the hugs I received as a kid made me feel weird. Like the cat you force to love, bur is quick to escape that hug. I'm weird :(

[@jamespolk5955]

I’m 26 and feel the same way.

[@SPatano_]

I was in your situation until I eventually did find myself into a relationship. One that honestly did challenge me as a person and romantic partner to my absolute limits. More than a half year after the breakup, I now wonder whether or not I regret getting into it. But therapy has been such a huge help for me in boosting my self-esteem and allowing me to learn even more about myself that I never would have without it. I have decided to go back after thinking that I could figure it out all on my own, but certain events stemming from that breakup has led me to seek out more sessions. Maybe you have tried it, but I think it is something that could help you. I hope that my story can inspire and bring some optimism into your life because I believe in you when I previously could not believe in myself!

[@stephenkioko4205]

Go visit a hospital ward ,you will love your life more than ever ,romantic love isnt everything ,there is more to life than a woman telling you she loves you.

[@stephenkioko4205]

@@andrewevans7992 come on bro, stop fixating on being loved by a woman ,there is a whole life out of that

[@GOlone9597]

When I like them they don't like me, when they like me I don't like them. -Story of my life

[@omnissiah7247]

When I like them they don't like me, when they like me they hide their feelings and never let it be known they liked me to begin with. that's about it

[@mommasbigboy8656]

Woman?

[@seminarrfactor678]

If you don’t like them anymore just because they like you that’s kind of dumb

[@laillahilaallah001]

@@mommasbigboy8656 woman

[@HauntedCadaver]

​@@seminarrfactor678that's not what they were saying. They meant when people they aren't attracted to like them, they obviously don't like them back.

[@midwinter78]

"half our training is in diagnosing the problem correctly" - Dr K. "Knowing is half the battle" - GI Joe.

[@raymondc9513]

Ironically, knowing and self-awareness IS half the battle

[@croatoansounds]

The other half is foiling Cobra Commander’s plans.

[@dr1flush]

Guys if you want to know the best place on earth to meet girls is not the bar or work or school . Is the store called TARGET 😂

[@MP-ut6eb]

I see I'm buying coaching form D.K.AND playing whatever game you mentioned

[@lihchong2267]

The other half is extreme viole-i mean introspection

[@1Nostrand1]

I feel completely and utterly exhausted after work. I can't even imagine having a successful, healthy relationship while balancing the all-consuming stress I feel daily. Finding someone special, spending my life with them, and having a family was my number one hope when I got out of school, but the constant push to climb the career totem pole to one day sustain that dream has been soul-sucking. I need a new career.

[@Kei-rt4ug]

Same bro😢 I just wanted rest all day after work

[@gianellab.4953]

Get a new one! Despite what some might tell you, there are some jobs out there that WILL give you the work-life balance! I worked 3 years two amazing jobs (1 year as a researcher for a museum and 2 years as a corporate trainer). They were absolutely awesome, but short term. Life brought me the position of college professor and all work-life balance is gone. Feeling severely burnout and depressed. This is my first semester and I'm already looking for another job haha Life is short, don't stay where you don't feel good!

[@skorpion7132]

And th bitter irony is, if you have a stable partner (preferably romantic I red) it would alleviate a part of thát stress.

[@SuperExplosivegames]

Remind yourself the purpose of working. If your work prevents you from something very important to your life its definitely time for a new job. Work to live, don't live to work.

[@comicrandomness3289]

I feel exhausted too. I need a cigar for energy. Guess what. They hate that i smoke. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

[@Tikitorch523]

Dating really boils down to luck. Most people you meet will not be compatible with your values and beliefs and you just need to get better at recognizing that early on with the people you spend your time with.

[@Fiox789]

It's strange the only people I vibe with is people that are married and lesbians

[@luclark1276]

@@Fiox789 that is honestly such a green flag, married folks have stability & lesbians are the backbone of lgbtq+ community. If you get along with those groups (and they trust you in turn) to me that’s a flag that you’re probably a kind and open-minded person without ulterior motives in relationships.

[@Brambrew]

​@@Fiox789 SAME WTF I was starting to think there weren't any single/straight women left; I've only connected with women who were dating, married, lesbian, asexual etc

[@mathius_dragoon532]

To the extent that it is up to luck, it is arbitrary and therefore meaningless.

[@superdupeninja8149]

@@luclark1276 but everyone’s preferences are very subjective

[@UltraChongkak]

>"Just don't care bro" >10 more years pass of no dates T-thanks Dr. K...

[@starz9135]

i think it feels more like work to most people and it puts them off even getting their foot in the door, shit feels like a second job at times and people dont have the right perspective to see it as being worth it in the end so everyone just quiet quits lmao

[@roboorb8477]

​@@starz9135 half the population is actively discouraged and ostracized for pursuing relationships the other half is conditioned to expect extravagant courtship by the best of the best no matter how unrealistic. Society has completely destroyed male female dynamics and realistic expectations in relationships. Unfortunately people can't quit they aren't even qualified to get the job. 😂

[@taylorbee4010]

You gotta go date people Everyone’s traumatized now though

[@Fujtajblus]

@@roboorb8477 It's not like that for like 70% of the people. I live in Europe and I met only like 2 girls out of few hundreds that had high expectations and were high maintenance. The thing I have seen is that guys actually do not put in much effort, go for sex becasue why care about a girl who has hundreds at her disposal through tinder and insta? And I was like that when I was like 23 - 28. 30 hit, my career took off more, I started to see people for who they are and be more interested in their stories and boom. Like attracts like

[@winterwulf1995]

​@@taylorbee4010No we don't. Where's it written into law that we have to date?

[@Brambrew]

20:55 "discount all the people that would lead to a good relationship" Naw dude you don't understand Most of us have never had the opportunity to reject anyone because no one has _ever_ wanted us in the first place (Edit) you know what dude, fuq it I'm gonna pursue people who I think are waaay out of my league. You inspire me.

[@Razor-gx2dq]

More power to ya

[@Nooliy1]

Pay for it. No seriously I do it . If you make enough money, you can basically cheat your way into a "relationship". And like who cares if someone is with you only for the money just work harder and that is it.

[@anthonypillarella]

Your edit's phrased as a joke, but it's kind of the answer.

[@Nightzo]

It's like Dr K's example of getting the research job at Harvard. Everyone else thought Harvard was way out of their league, so when Dr K applied, he got picked as he was the only candidate

[@skorpion7132]

@@Nightzo But that would make the analogy fall flat on its because wouldn't it? Because first you'd have to know wo would make for a "good" relationship before you could even discount them. And "harvard" (versus another school) does not qualify in either direction, it rather flips the thing on its head. Also, I don't like this type of analogy because in most job applications there's still such a thing as "papers/credentials".

[@d4rkblu386]

Parents pressured me into not dating in high school, saying that i shouldn't think ahout it till college. Couldn't afford college, so I went to trade school, now working full time as a machine operator. To say I feel behind is an understatement. I have basically no social life because of my job, and I have basically zero irl friends. I'm 20 now, and I'm convinced I'm just going to be stuck for at least 5 years.

[@Brambrew]

20 is still young, dawg You're not in your prime until you're 30 You have 10 years to catch up, at least And even after a decade, it's never "too late"

[@d4rkblu386]

@@natalieb3493 I know 20 is young, it's just I'm tied up for the foreseeable future. I'll be stuck working off shift, up to 60hrs mandatory, for 3-5 years before I'll make enough to do any school. I'm a total social recluse too. I suck at talking to people and making friends. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel I guess

[@rw5622]

It's not easy to see hope, but just like anything else, you can practice. The first step is recognizing your issues accurately. If this is something you want to work on, don't give up. You can do this, 20 is still really young.

[@lurker993]

@@d4rkblu386 So stop sucking at being social... Start talking to people. Make excuses to talk and interact with people. You're not gonna one day wake up and be charismatic. It takes practice. Talk to your coworkers. Ask them if they saw that movie. Ask them how their lives are. When someone looks sad, ask them if they're okay. Find a reason.

[@connor43057]

I’m 25 and have no friends. Don’t be me in 5 years time. You’ll do great!

[@GreiverFenix]

As someone with an abusive childhood, Coach nailed it. I intentionally picked partners who were not good for me and I just kept repeating a toxic cycle with diffrent people. Only once I started therapy and working on my self esteem, did the importance of dating diminish and I started meeting people who were better for me. 100%

[@johnElden8760]

being able to pick a partner has always been a dream for me

[@MeatVessel]

Yeah but how do you meet them

[@fjorddenierbear4832]

Too late for me at 40. The risks are too severe. But if I'd figured things out earlier, maybe.

[@mrvee5395]

Most men don't pick partners. They either get picked, or don't. These days for most men, it's don't. At some point, maybe, just maybe we can start to admit that it's not all their own fault.

[@GreiverFenix]

@@MeatVessel The good or the bad ones?

[@cxa011500]

I mean...I was indifferent about dating most of my life, and just hoped things would happen "organically." But nothing happened. Seems like either extreme prevents progress.

[@NeiyMaritz]

Yeah people are telling everyone that it just happens and then you wait and wait and nothing happens and now you are 40 years old. A damn lie of them

[@GG-cv3np]

​@@NeiyMaritzSad that it happens some times

[@Cuy_King]

Dating in today's landscape feels like squidward bashing his head on the cash register while Patrick takes forever to order a krabby patty

[@bedazzledmisery6969]

Underrated.

[@MeatVessel]

Trying to talk to women feels like convincing Mr. Krabs to take a pay cut

[@bedazzledmisery6969]

@@MeatVessel Mr. Krabs pays you guys?

[@jacobmorres9817]

It's more like applying for jobs. Gotta apply a bunch and a few will be interested

[@tobiso2289]

No it doesnt but alright

[@johnrivers3813]

I'll admit I was a bit dumbfounded when you brought up that, "if you have a problem, bring it up in therapy, a lot of people don't do this" and then I remembered that was me when I first started going to therapy. I would just complain about the same thing over and over again but I never did the work outside of therapy to try and get better. I just thought that attending the sessions alone was enough. Now I try to go into each session with a problem to address and a goal to achieve for the next session. I've made a lot of progress doing this approach.

[@lordmer2592]

Oh yeah, that was me too. Healing really is 50% from help and 50% YOU doing the work

[@redgreen2453]

If I gotta do half the work, then therapy should be half the price. Therapy is a joke. I’m sorry, but the fact of the matter is I’m going to therapy for them to fix me, if I could fix myself, I wouldn’t need them. If I’m paying to be there but it’s still on me to make it actually work, what exactly am I paying for?

[@catStone92]

@@redgreen2453 there is an old engineer's joke about how when a machine breaks down you call the repairman and they look at the machine for two hours then grab a screwdriver, screw in a single screw and then bill you 200$ thing is, tightening a screw takes a minute but figuring out what screw is loose also takes time (and sometimes special training). When you go to therapy you are going to someone who is going to help you identify the problems and possible solutions. It's still up to you to tighten the screw.

[@redgreen2453]

@@catStone92 I don’t want solutions, I want a lack of problems

[@Autonomous15]

@@redgreen2453 it is half the price. They should be charging double what they do now, if you want your rage to be validated.

[@user-ee1fn4vt8b]

26:56 I feel like this is something the internet really needs to learn and internalize. There's so much advice out that about interpersonal issues where people chime in like "do all these things yourself" and zero appreciation for the fact that, sometimes, "other people" need to be a part of the healing process as well. So much easier to just make the person asking for help completely responsible for their situation and chide them for not being independently capable enough.

[@TheTrueUntrueNic]

It brings to mind something from MMORPGs: more often than not, the strongest healing spells can be used on teammates, but not on yourself. You can't double-box in real life. If you're hurt and need healing, sometimes, you need a buddy for that.

[@maggie6152]

I like to say it's a 60/40 split between doing the work yourself and support from others. At least that's what I think for mental illness.

[@crocky_101]

I'm the 101st like on this great comment, my purpose has come to fruition

[@Hubcool367]

Haha, I've got to say that it is indeed a refreshing perspective. And how "small" of a change it needs to be to be refreshing! No one is saying the change needs to come 100% from other people. But just saying that as low as 10% of it must come in the form of support from others is paradigm-shifting. I've never heard a therapist or really anyone else saying that less than 100% of the responsibility falls on your shoulders.

[@WayoftheFerret]

My baggage is mine, not anyone else's. Even my best friend doesn't deserve to hear about my problems, and it is my fault for burdening him.

[@WarGhoulKharas]

Dating is just like fishing: It's boring and I fucking hate it.

[@nightfighter7452]

Real

[@henryholz88]

lmfao, good analogy.

[@n0b0d1-rc6dz]

I’d say it’s more like war. Good chance it’ll kill or break you.

[@themacocko6311]

It's probably you then.

[@n0b0d1-rc6dz]

Underwater Spear fishing looks pretty intense would love to try that one day

[@rogerthat2k4]

Gave up hope, the amount of wasted energy, and seemingly wasted time for people to end up doing a complete 180 and hurt me. I wanna see the best in people, and think everyone deserves a chance, but I am so done with how everything just turns out for the worst and I'm left looking like a clown and heartbroken for putting full trust in someone despite previous experiences proving me I maybe shoulnd't. It's hard, because I want a relationship and someone I can be devoted too, but it's just so painful every single time so far.

[@Sqwivig]

Maybe don't give up, but put relationships on the back burner. It's ok to still want a relationship, but don't make it your number 1 priority.

[@superiority2349]

Hope is illusion , once its gone you gain clarity

[@koko00713]

I hate the advice to "not worry about dating and it will come to you." I was single for over a decade, never had a relationship, and even though it was something I knew I wanted I really wasn't too concerned about it. I then unexpectedly got into a relationship (my first ever) and it felt SO GOOD! We dated for several months and I was starting to think this could lead to marriage one day, but she ended it abruptly saying it just "felt off" with no other explanation. Now I feel like this is the only thing I want that can bring real meaning back into my life, and when people tell me "not to worry about it and it will come" I just think, isn't that what I was doing before? I just imagine going another decade+ of being single and alone, but this time really knowing what I'm missing out on and being miserable about it.

[@Pain420]

I went through a similar experience, and I feel the same in that it felt so good when we were in it. It felt so good that I want to go back to something like that again. The idea that the right person "will come naturally" may be true, but it also may not. It's possible that you will never find the right person in your life. But what we can do is put ourselves out there and expose ourselves to a variety of people. We can increase our likelihood of finding the "right person" by talking to more people and getting to know them. That, I think, is the best we can do. If at the end of it all, we still don't find the right person, then so be it. At least we can say we tried and had a good time attempting it.

[@cool08player]

Welcome to modern dayting. She found someone better and dropped you like a bad habit. Modern wmn are inundated with options. Getting into a relayshionship with the expectation you'll live together until old age is no longer a thing. This is the new normal. Accept it or prepare for disappointment.

[@holidaytrout5174]

This is only good advice for women, who don't have to approach

[@PESCEKebabbaro]

Exactly, the reality is that this is a problem that has no solution. You can do your best and still getting nothing out of it, while you see awful people that constantly get dates or relationships. There are a lot of factors that are out of your control to the point that is almost just a matter of luck. The only possible things that a man can do to improve his chances are to meet as much people as possible (while being good at socializing) and to improve his socioeconomic status. That's it, everything else will only come in handy AFTER a woman already knows and likes you, not before

[@brattingprincess]

I’m so sorry you had to go through the end of a breakup. I wish you knew exactly why. I wouldn’t necessarily say you got dropped for someone else when you been seeing them for months. That’s a really long time.

[@samserious1337]

He's 23 so there is a lot of time, but we should acknowledge that dating has changed in the last 10 years and it won't get better anytime soon. For many, it's a game you can't win, so the earlier you accept that and make dating less important you can focus on other things.

[@juiceboxbzrk]

L take man, lean into the negatives so you don't have to deal with it? That's aggressively dumb. Take away from the bad experiences and keep refining the process, find out what you don't want and what you won't tolerate. Carry yourself with respect and mirror that respect onto the people you're interested in. If theyre unable to do that you move on to someone else. Shit isn't that hard. The main issue is a lack of communication skills on both ends

[@Zendvious]

I've been saying that for a long time, just focus on being better than your past self and not things you can't control like other people for example

[@Graviticus]

@@juiceboxbzrk "Just keep grinding, bro" What a fucking shit take.

[@minabotieso6944]

When Dr. K says give dating less importance he does not mean give up and focus on other things. The nicest interpretation is that he means work hard on it while not giving it too much importance which is basically impossible to fully do but it’s more or less doable.

[@gleipnirrr]

​@@Graviticus you're right. it's much smarter to stagnate and keep being unrefined as a person. that'll solve it

[@winston8186]

Super true. And I can speak from the first hand experience of wanting to date more than anything, being extremely lonely and then finding someone and actually doing it- I found someone pretty good for me, and felt okay for the first couple weeks or so but over time the excitement wears off and the empty parts of you are left unanswered. Keep growing and putting yourself out there but don't act like one thing will solve your problems or make you happy. Your priority in life should not be an attainable thing, it should be your values and the way you want to live your life. Goals can be separate.

[@sircrashtonii9718]

Put really well!

[@solbradguy7628]

I always see people say this, that "one thing won't solve your problems or make you happy". That's how I've felt about having a romantic relationship for a long, long time. I've sort of deified it in my mind over time to the point where I can't help but feel like it's everything I want and need and that nothing else could possibly save me. And I know that's probably not true. I wouldn't know, since I've never really had one. But it's what everyone seems to say and it seems logically true as well. But the hope that it could is one of the only things that keeps me going though. Finally having a romantic relationship and being disappointed by it is one of my greatest fears. I'm afraid to say that if I ever actually somehow found a romantic partner and then still found that it didn't make me happy...I can't help but feel like I would self-delete. I can't imagine any other possible outcome than that.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Your last two sentences are 🎯🎯🎯🎯. There's too much tunnel vision and expecting a relationship to solve all of people's problems.

[@pedroivantaveraferreira3037]

Live a good life, a life true to oneself, and allow those who share some principles tag along. Having a good deep conversation with a friend, nice. Having some passionate sex with a long term intimate partner, just as nice. Taking pride in a job well done, just as nice. Seeing someone you helped getting happy, just as nice. Achieving a hard goal, just as nice. It's all simple things, nothing is a meaning-gifting event, nothing is reason-to-be-alive-generating experience. Life is meaningless and you can just enjoy it by living it the closest you can to your values and beliefs

[@chrisjfox8715]

Yeah, one has to discover their own self-worth and bring that energy to the table. Being in a relationship isn't going to suddenly fill an entire void. A lot of these lonely people are in a dark place waiting for someone else to be their light instead of getting to the root of why they're in the dark in the first place.

[@PresidentPixel]

I am 25 and have given up on dating and love. No girl wants me or even notices me, hell I don’t even have friends. Maybe I’m a horrible person and that’s why, but either way it doesn’t matter, I don’t need anybody anymore. The few times I did have friends, they abandoned me for a boyfriend or girlfriend and stopped talking to me completely, because their stupid relationship was more important than anybody else. This is why I will always hate couples and the concept of love.

[@donquixote2072]

Yeah me too. I can't ever advance past the acquaintance stage of a relationship. People always have so much going on in their lives, so many other people that take priority over me. I wish I could find that one ride or die friend; but they continue to elude me. As for the ladies, I don't even bother. A charisma void of a man, working a minimum wage job, living with his folks; I can read room and I know that no one is taking this bait. One of the things I've learned to do however is laugh at myself. Y'know this situation isn't the worst thing in the world, people do learn to live with this and along the trail I think that life still has some wonderful things to offer us. Just do the best you can with what you've got and be thankful you're in no worse shape than you are! Thanks for your time, have a good day!

[@verbosequestion]

These replies are bittersweet truth that not everyone can 'make' it despite all the attempts they give. Some people were just left behind by this society and its just really sad and lonely to read all the stories from people.

[@varnishyourboard]

Three years ago I had one meaningful relationship from ages 43-45 and it was the best experience of my life. Taking SSRIs, did TMS and currently doing Ketamine treatments to try and get over it. Fix this early people, or a lifetime of pain is ahead of you.

[@lb6056]

In your same boat, though it was being idealized and sexualized by emotionally unavailable (and often legally unavailable) men that has created my trauma. I am also starting Ketamine and doing an eight week DBT course to try and handle my trauma and emotions. It’s tough!

[@timhorton7420]

​@lb6056 oh boo hoo you chose to get involved with married men while some men don't even get anything. Women would rather share an alpha than have a beta to themselves

[@varnishyourboard]

@@lb6056 I also did 6 months of DBT! They convinced me to leave because I wasn’t borderline or bipolar but simply heartbroken beyond repair. Hopefully it helps you. Good luck!

[@Brambrew]

​@@timhorton7420I thought they meant adult men when they were a minor

[@varnishyourboard]

@@lb6056 I did 6 months of DBT too! Hopefully it helps you.

[@jonnybgood4749]

Hey Dr. K I'd hate to admit it but I haven't watched your stuff since covid but it's for a good reason. I got my own therapist and have been doing much better mental health wise. Because of your videos on addiction and meditation it allowed me to quit my unhealthy relationship with weed AND porn (something that I thought would be a lot harder, almost impossible from the perspective of a 20 something stoner). I definitely fell into the category of "stoner that watches motivational videos" during covid, then one video it was like you were calling me out on my shit directly and from that moment on I felt I had to change. I wasn't always successful but That didn't stop me from trying. Thank you so much for all the work that you do.

[@blizz_ny5167]

It’s disgusting that I’ve become accustomed to such solitude, this is not what I envisioned as a child. This comment section only confirms that I can only try, doesn’t mean I’ll succeed

[@tonythetwitch5813]

And that is where I ask what is the point at all and I just don't try

[@raze2012_]

sadly, yes. If your personality isn't "mainstream" you need to learn how to put on the right mask to succeed. The introvert scene is stuck indoors fighting algorithsms that don't want to exist. And you'll never see them touching grass even if they are your soulmate. Do what you will with that advice. I never put on the mask.

[@AthenaTennosN]

@@raze2012_ tbh "being stuck indoors" and being an introvert are two different things with a little bit of overlap. In fact, most introverts i've known in my life were into touching grass (including literally, lol), just not into the social variant thereof. Besides, not all "indoors" are made equal. Yeah, you aren't gonna meet your future wife under your bed, but I met one of my past gfs I am still good friends with at a freaking Pathfinder session...which is a social activity tbh, but to be fair most people complaining about this stuff aren't true introverts either, just very socially anxious.

[@MadnessRealm]

The point about people coming up with an imaginary idea of relationship is something I've definitely noticed from other people in online dating. It's like a lot of people have developed this expectation that dating involves the other person doing all the work to woo and entertain them without ever stopping to wonder what they should be offering in return. It's part of why, especially in online dating, conversations often feel so one-sided even if you try to ask people about the very things they claim to love. It's just really weird.

[@Fiox789]

I've been saying this for a long time. Like I'm not going to entertain you if you're not reciprocal in the exchange I'm going to unmatch

[@therearenoshortcuts9868]

aye, if people think the purpose of dating is to feel good or entertainment it's already game over purpose of dating/sex is children children = sacrifice sacrifice = losing your good feelings LOL if all you really want is to 'feel good' maybe you really should just save $500 and go to Vegas for a weekend

[@N19htcat]

This taks is too much for my brain it seems sometimes like I would just accept random person who picks me out of my hole I guess. I am M 19 People say there's plenty of time agead, but I am really probably autistic and just tired of it all... F those people, they can't imagine how counterintuitive all is and it feels whatever YOU specifically do makes it wose I have never ever even acknowledged to anybody that we were having date, because it would scare the person me with OK I'll stop this topic makes me cry

[@Fiox789]

​​@@therearenoshortcuts9868 big oof what about those couples that got together and never wanted to have kids?

[@MadnessRealm]

@overlordfemto7523Because it's not limited to women. It's happening with men as well. (Source: I date men...or at least try to lol)

[@laillahilaallah001]

Dawg. Im more worried about finding a relationship in the first place. My social circle died after hs graduation. And covid put the nail in the coffin for any attempts afterwards. Dr.K, your focused on people falling behind. Im more focused on getting on the starting line.

[@blairdurward4324]

I’ve been experiencing this exact issue and I’ve found one thing that does help. Give yourself a reason to leave the house. Get a gym membership, it’ll give you somewhere to go. Chat with 1 person every time you go to the grocery store, stuff like that. Small increases to your encounter rate with potential dates and practice talking to strangers. You start rolling the dice more, and increasing your odds.

[@ExecutionSommaire]

@@blairdurward4324 Gym is a good idea. I'm now in a very stable and healthy relationship with the barbell.

[@magigooter2096]

For me, it's not just an inability to attract. I know what I'd have to do and can absolutely do it. What stops me is knowing that even if you do all of that, you then have to deal with the tremendous risks that come with relationships, and certainly with marriage. Imagine putting in all the work to get kicked two rungs lower on the ladder than where you were before you started. It's just not even worth it anymore. "If I can get 80% of everything I've ever wanted, I'd be okay."

[@eviljagtech]

Gave up dating 20 years ago and I'm not sure why I would go back as being alone at the end of the day brings me such peace.

[@luisalfonso7429]

"All those red flags?... Personality quirks" Had me laughing for a few minutes, not gonna lie lol

[@shayanzaidi2836]

Dr K's sense of humor is honestly underrated lol makes these videos so entertaining

[@meistlazer]

Me too hahaha

[@calculusfalconerd]

Yes! I was laughing so hard because it’s so true on what he said! Our brain doesn’t want to listen to the red flags or consequences when you are in “love” 😂

[@reederickson3202]

I just don't understand how I'm supposed to make relationships less important to me. It's the entire reason I watched this video. It's the entire reason I'm going through the exercises and writing things down and trying to follow Dr. K, advice. How can it not be important to me? Dr. K talks about the ache. He's right when he says that idea of that ache never being fulfilled is terrifying to me. How could it not be? I don't understand how I'm supposed to make relationships less important to myself when it's the entire reason I'm doing any of this. Any time I try to make it less important, the ache just comes back. I don't want to have this ache forever. I don't want to be single forever. I don't understand how I'm supposed to just act like it's not a problem anymore.

[@C4Dude3]

You don’t understand because it isn’t understandable. Dr. K isn’t infallible. The only advice anyone can offer you (and the main advice Dr. K offered) regarding this issue is to somehow find something in your life that will distract you from the want of a relationship. For some people that’s easy cause they have things they care about like friends or hobbies. If you’re like me it’s impossible because you’ve lost interest in most aspects of life already. Hopefully that gives you some insight. Just keep trucking along and maybe you’ll get lucky.

[@vdl3984]

Everything we do, we do it because we want a relationship. Everything is about survival and reproduction. Yes it is insane that you have to act like it's not a big deal when in reality everything you do revolves around it. I guess it's not a big deal for attractive people as it comes easy to them. The rest of us have to make as if we were attractive when we are not. It's all insane.

[@MySimDied]

Someone could date you tomorrow and it wouldn't solve your problems. You think it would but it wouldn't. Firstly you'd probably be very insecure or unbelieving of it all in the beginning. You might go way over the top with affection or whatever. A relationship is always fragile and could always end. And even if it doesn't, at some point, it gets familiar and boring and you'd get that same ache again. When getting a relationship is pretty much your entire reason for being, it puts too much pressure on that stranger who meets you and likes you a bit. The best chance of you not being single forever is to give up on dating, focus on yourself, find your own interests and reasons for being. Before then you're not really ready for a relationship. You might think you are, but noone can make you happy if you're not. They can make you happier for a short time, but if you feel unfulfilled with life, a relationship isn't going to fix that. You need life experiences more.

[@cSTEPHEN855]

I’ll tell you. Give up on this part of yourself. Embrace the pain. Eventually it will leave you.

[@fieryphoenix586]

Some people view being single as a never-ending party of dating. For me, it's a never-ending parade of misery, rejection, and disappointment.

[@starfeel6127]

I was "not looking for a relationship" all my life and what I ended up with is 0 female friends/no relationships/no experience socializing with girls. As soon as I decided that I want a relationship I started making progress in those aspects.

[@tolga8061]

@@starfeel6127 In my case, i have been rejected all my life, and gave the hope of finding Love completely up after 33 years. The most brutal rejection for me was 2 years ago. That was for me the point, that it doesn't make any sense to crave for 'Love', because it wasn't meant to be anyway.

[@greendog1660]

Sometimes this doesn't make any sense. Like I had friends who didn't take care of themselves, drank and smoked, nihilistic, fat, dumb-looking and whiny getting dates and laid a couple times a month. Meanwhile I'm here working my ass off on keeping my body in mint athletic condition, putting extra effort into work and working relationships, including new people, always being there for everybody, having self respect, dignity and ethics. Yet I am the one always left behind when it comes to intimate relationships. How the hell do you not become bitter and resentful after that?? How am I to stop thinking that working on yourself and continuing being on the virtuous path won't be worthwhile? Year after year the resentment grows larger.

[@aaronbryan5095]

When even some trashy criminal can get someone that loves them, why even bother anymore?

[@Sqwivig]

Most healthy long term relationships are because of luck. I choose to just coast until lady luck pays me a visit.

[@Ryan-cb1ei]

Put yourself in better positions, optimizing luck is also a skill. I keep myself very busy and that helps regardless of outcomes but that does help with luck.

[@jemtaovt1122]

Being immersive in conversation is one of the biggest reasons. Simply put: people like people that are interactive. Doesn't always have to be looks. Those are for shallow people that seek status. If you're good-looking *AND* are incredibly conversationally immersive, you will attract a lot of unwanted attention (though, this will increase your exposure by mouth), but this will also give you the confidence to hopefully talk to that one quiet person that could just be the lucky lady. And, the second tip is: exposure. Join clubs, teams, servers, and be social. Someone is bound to gain interest in you if they see you talking.

[@lottiedot]

they can probably smell the resentment bro

[@brendanhunter389]

Gave up on trying to find someone. Apps are just toxic. Talking to people online fizzles out and talking to people irl is hard when you aren’t the most social. Giving up on it has been fine honestly. Not like i am missing out

[@gleipnirrr]

as a former 'not social' person, there is no such think as not being social. there are only people that turn being unpractised socially into a personality

[@varnishyourboard]

In my case, I let them fizzle when she asks how ambitious I am because I usually get unmatched when I'm honest about it. Why bother?

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

​@@varnishyourboardnot everyone asks about ambition as an icebreaker question, you might just be looking in the wrong places

[@sonicleaves]

You're not missing out on anything, that's true.

[@brendanhunter389]

@@gleipnirrr i used to be social. Then a bad job experience made me lose trust in prople

[@siniister710]

I feel pretty similar. I’m older than op, 32, and have actually had some really positive long term relationships in the past, however the pain experienced when it ends leaves me questioning all the time if I want to go through the whole process of meeting someone, learning everything about them, being invested, etc. all for it to not work out again. So in that way I def relate to the op a lot.

[@skorpion7132]

37 here, had 1 long relationship I should have ended WAAAAAAY earlier.... (yes I torchered myself by clinging to some wicked form of hope trying to make it work. It was my first relationship and I refused to have to see it fail were before that I couldn't even ever get past the "send 5 text messages"-stage. Never had I expected that that relationshiip managed to break something in me...... Even though 100 women would tell I'm not their type... I hung on to some kind of hope thinking "she's out there somewhere".... That hope died 8 years ago.

[@Lonaticus]

27:00 Thank you!!! When I tell this to my friends or my family they say I'm too needy. I've worked on myself as much as I could, but help needs to come from someone else as well after a point. We are social creatures for Pete's sake!

[@samnowland4679]

I'm to the point where i just don't care anymore. I want nothing more than to have someone in my life that understands me and loves me for who i am, but I've also accepted that I'm most likely never going to have that. I guess i do care, i just don't want to experience the negatives of the process ever again. It's too much.

[@nicolovespanda]

maybe you need to get better at scoping out people that you know you can't trust your heart with. Maybe the saying "if it isn't a hell yes, it's a hell no" will help you. I learned from a young age to scope people who enter my life, I think you just have to have some sort of system of how much grace you're willing to give someone until you decide that the relationship will not work. I'm realizing i've given people too many chances (in friendship) even after seeing blaring red flags. And people in your life are allowed to grow and not be perfect, but noticing the way they talk about themselves and others and the patterns in their rhetoric, will be enough to know that it has to end

[@samnowland4679]

@@nicolovespanda I'll remember this, thank you.

[@phosspatharios9680]

"That's what relationships are supposed to be, but what are they like for YOU?" I really felt that. Accepting that certain things simply are not meant for me takes a huge weight off my back. It's like a human accepting that they are not a fish so there is no way they will be able to have the underwater represent life instead of death by drowning. Underwater is life for fishes. But for humans it is death. Stop idealizing the fish life and pursue human life to the fullest.

[@rw5622]

But you aren't a fish, you are a human. Humans seek these experiences. It's always fine to give up, but it won't help you.

[@phosspatharios9680]

​@@rw5622you didn't understand the analogy. Also, it's not "giving up" as in accepting defeat, it's "giving up" as rethinking your goals and deciding to be down-to-earth. Way too many people don't know the difference.

[@rw5622]

​@@phosspatharios9680that's because you gave an incorrect analogy. When you aren't able to diagnose your own issues, you need the help of a therapist to help you on the path. Don't waddle around in KZbin comments giving poor explanations and get upset at people.

[@phosspatharios9680]

@@rw5622 ah, I see. So you were just trolling.

[@rw5622]

​@@phosspatharios9680no I wasn't trolling. I was trying to help you. Your analogy is incorrect because you simply don't understand your own issues. You don't understand it because often people misdiagnose their own mental flaws and come up with braindead solutions that don't work. That's why it's important to ask for help. You are not a fish, you are a human being who is perfectly capable of forming relationships, you just need to quit pretending it is hopeless and find a therapist willing to work with you and help you feel like a human.

[@HoangRoxXD]

I’m 25 and I had a lot of trouble with dating and intimacy when I was in my early 20s. What I found out is that getting dates and going out with people became easier once I decided to stop focusing on finding a relationship and instead focused on just living my life and actually trying to enjoy it. I find it very important to be present with everyone around you. I’ve learned a lot of life lessons from just interacting with the world rather than hung up on my own personal failures. People are more drawn to those that don’t care about how others think and just being your authentic self. Focus on enjoying the world, working out, have a genuine smile on your face. Whether bars, clubs, stores, parks, hiking trails, etc. I try to socialize with everyone and try to learn something from them because everyone has their own story that could be valuable for you.

[@fischersfritz468]

And that focusing on yourself actually had any effect on how other people reacted to you? I did that from mid 20s to end 30s. It had no effect at all.

[@benrex7775]

I'm 29 and I'm the opposite. I only focus on living my life and because of that I fail at having relationships. For a clingy person the advice of not caring anymore is a good advice. But for a person like me this just means that they think I am not interested in anything. And I enjoy life, socialize, smile, am fit and am my authentic self.

[@HoangRoxXD]

@@benrex7775 Focusing on yourself doesn’t mean being by yourself. Working on relationships and socializing is an important aspect of living your life and enjoying it. Have passions and introduce others to it. To find that person or have better relationships, starts with having a good relationship with yourself and then communicating with the world around you under the purpose of genuine connection.

[@benrex7775]

@@HoangRoxXD I am an introvert. Focusing on yourself may mean socializing for some, but in my case I don't care as much for other people. Or at least when I think about lifing my life and enjoying it then I don't think of other people. I think about topics and things, not people. And when I meet other people then that is a occupied day for me.

[@benjig7085]

Yes until youre a people pleaser and get hurt by the wrong people using you.

[@rogue_valorant6915]

After facing rejection after rejection for almost every year for the last 10 years I don't know whether to give up or still hope. I realised all those rejections just made me develop self-rejection. Being a short male hasn't exactly helped with my self-esteem either. 😢

[@lesesazaponeh3049]

Brother you are supposed to learn from it. Write what you see you are doing wrong and improve on it. Read pickup literature as cringe as that might sound. i If it works it works. Change strategies and see how it works.

[@JohnSmith-th3ze]

I’ve only had 2 gfs (30year old male), the relationships lasted 3 months and 6 months respectively. Asked out a woman who I was sitting next to on the plane and she said yes! We went out on a first a few days ago and the date went really well. We’re now texting constantly. You can do it guys, don’t give up. Thanks for the great advice Dr.K

[@rw5622]

That's an amazing story! Really glad to see your success

[@solbradguy7628]

I appreciate the sentiment and I'm sure that you mean well and just want to help, but I wish people wouldn't share success stories like this. They don't make me feel better, they just make me feel like I want to die. The best thing I can do to cope is tell myself that it isn't true, in the way that "nothing on the internet is true".

[@newuser689]

@@solbradguy7628this thought process is the EXACT thing you need to be spending time on, my guy. What about this comment makes you want to die? What thoughts actually arise? Where the hell did those thoughts come from? I guarantee you if you were age 12 or younger you wouldn’t have had the same thoughts/reaction, so why now? If you just sit and notice these thoughts, it will reveal some stuff about you that you don’t know.

[@JohnSmith-th3ze]

@@rw5622 thanks appreciate it!

[@JohnSmith-th3ze]

@@solbradguy7628 I get that it’s depressing. Trust me, for a year all 3 of my roommates had girlfriends and I didn’t get a single date. Not one, I asked a woman out a few months ago and she said, “eww no.” I gave up on dating as a result until I met this woman on the plane last week. I know dating is hard but the best you can do is not give up and become the man women would want to date. I don’t mean this fucking Andrew Tate what color is your Bugatti bullshit. I mean: workout, be personable, have a job (rn I have a job but it’s not the one I have) but I have a plan on what I want career wise, and be a good man. I don’t mean be a, “nice guy” I mean be a good man. A man with strong morals, principles, and convictions

[@graphs1524]

For me I need to fix my self first before I even have a thought about having a relationship and if that means I never get into one, I’m fine with that.

[@quinndtxd]

Maybe I haven't watched in a while, but THIS is the Dr. K I really miss. Thank you so much! I think what made the difference was the live format. Less jump cuts. Really enjoying this one, I think I'll be able to apply it. :)

[@Crimson50]

1. significance of a relationship= I feel like I could finally "relax" and get a feeling of "okay, I found someone who loves me, wants me, desires me... now I can live my life, focus on other stuff too, I can actually commit to things and not constantly fear and be anxious that no one will ever want me." + ofc the obvious love, intimacy, going through life together that everyone else experiences 2. Who am I unless I am in a relationship= I am unwanted, unattractive, undesired, unloveable... the thought of "No one will ever find me attractive, I will never get to experience a genuine relationship" is making me suicidal 3. What do I think a relationship is and where did I get this idea= Relationship is just love, unexplainable. Just finally being able to RELAX and start to live your life, start to enjoy other things, get those rose tinted glasses on. It just makes everything better in your life, you have a reason to live, you have someone to come home to, you actually get to feel like there is hope for you, intimacy etc. Where did I get this idea? This one is hard to say, just growing up? The feelings I get when I have a crush? when I talk to someone in a romantic way? The butterflies? The fantasy and imagination of what it would be? etc. 4. Ache/Hunger, where does this come from= years upon years of loneliness, deppression, being bullied, little to no positive relationship experience. And most importantly; The Lack of that Feeling of "I am perfect the way I am, I am attractive, there are enough women out there, for it to be realistic for me to meet one who wants me as much as I want them, WHEN I am ready for it" That feeling of being able to RELAX and think that its all okay and don't have to stress about... now that would be bliss, I think that is the real thing I NEED. So how do I get rid of these feelings? How do I "work on my self"? These feelings, beliefs and thoughts are so STUCK in me, they are rooted as deep as can... idk how am I expected to get out of this on my own...

[@bedazzledmisery6969]

Start with trying doing some mushrooms, my friend.

[@Crimson50]

@@bedazzledmisery6969 I've thought about it. I just have no clue where to buy them from, no one to do them with in a safe manner and it might even make it worse for me lol

[@badart3204]

I would say just date anyone you have the opportunity to that isn’t dangerous. You don’t have to love them bc the external validation will be enough to relax you. Then when you break up you will be in a healthier mindset. Its fucked up but it works

[@Crimson50]

@@badart3204 Brother... This is some sociopath shit... I ain't doing that. Plus I wont get the validation I need from someone I do not want, am not attracted to and do not care about... It doesnt work like that

[@Crimson50]

@@badart3204 I am not about to use someone as a bandage anyways, it has been done to me and it's awful

[@DerangedMerger]

I get it now! Finally I understand. Finding an adequate help, finding a therapist, who would actually diagnose me correctly, moreover, getting adequate therapy, which would have a chance to be successful is just like taking the square root from a negative number. Tre result is imaginary.

[@austinhan6998]

These days the advice for men is either "just do basic hygiene/house chores/social life/gym" or "6 figures minimum/CEO/fitness model/[insert political stance]." There doesn't seem to be any in-between that most of us fit under.

[@phosspatharios9680]

This. I am yet to meet a single FA who doesn't wash and take care of themselves. Also, how often are, say, women getting approached by literal hobos, to the point they firmly assume that every man they don't want are undesirable squarely because of poor presentation? Also, it's hard to buy the narrative of that women are attracted to security and success when you notice that in the old times of yore when there was little to no food security and entire cities were just a potato blight or locust swarm away from dying from starvation, people were largely everything but FAs.

[@rw5622]

Don't get dating advice from tiktok. A bigger problem I see here is these kids literally have no idea what good advice is, and somehow believe that these are the only two options.

[@samserious1337]

@@user-cv3pr9xg8y Throughout history, only 40% of men have reproduced.

[@austinhan6998]

@@user-cv3pr9xg8y unfortunately I’m not on TikTok, I hear this all the time from fully grown adults, both online and in person

[@fotisstergiou1165]

It reinforces the idea that if u are average,you are invisible

[@Naex__]

Guys, I actually met someone interested in me, went on some dates to test out the waters and she's really lovely. After 22 years, I tried getting out of my confort zone, focusing on myself and it finally worked. I'm taking my time and going step by step because previous love interests experiences have proved to end badly so I don't want to get hurt again but I'm hopeful and definitely won't let her go easily 😊

[@pikalee3492]

So happy for you!

[@IchiBUNProductions]

I m glad for you Buddy but just like you said "STEP BY STEP" and one day if he want to live , let her go and i know its will hurt. Just find the right balance between indépendance and intimacy

[@bihn]

That's great!

[@benrex7775]

Congrats.

[@wulfsorenson8859]

@@lesshuman00maybe where you’re concerned 😅

[@PP-lt6vp]

you just explain my every question. cant imagine how someone could understand every bit of me without me having to say a word.. you are truly the gift to the world Dr.K. thank you so much for this

[@minigunner1218]

I’m gonna be honest, when I heard the advice to stop placing so much importance on finding a relationship, I believed that I already did because I’m not seeking one. In reality, I only just gave up on dating, and my mind still places significant importance on a relationship, to the point where I can only communicate with women that I know for certain that I cannot date, whether it be due to them already being in a relationship or them being an internet personality or content creator. I avoid situations where there may actually be potential partners, such as social gatherings, parties, public spaces, or dating apps, because it’s less painful to turn down 100% of opportunities than be rejected by 99% of them. I wish my being aware of this helped me, but in reality, I have way too much in terms of personal life and mental health issues to worry about before I can even approach this aspect of my life.

[@Clain00]

I've always thought I was cursed all my life and I've never had any luck with it. Oh God, living is so painful, I have no strength left, even dying is so expensive.

[@dadofgio]

I've been rejected all my life and my tall attractive friend said just be confident and you will get a girlfriend. Wish me luck guys, I am gonna be confident later and ask my crush out!

[@bro918]

LOL

[@skorpion7132]

So? still confidnt?

[@gabrielhoelzle8476]

Hope it works out, don't give up on yourself :)

[@Ardorstorm]

How'd it go? Did you give yourself a shot or did you just assume they're not gonna like you and self-sabotage?

[@thenarrator1921]

Whatever you do do NOT confess and rawdog asking her out to a date or to be your girlfriend Even Dr. K has said don't confess There are many problems with the "Just be confident" advice. What they don't tell you is be confident in approaching her to flirt, do small things, get to actually know her as a person rather than a distant character in your life. Asking her out directly will just put her in a spot and if she doesn't even know you personally, the odds are so bad for you and running into that kind of rejection might be bad in a long term sense, dissuading you from trying again.

[@thebadger4040]

Its incredible how often Dr. K will release a video that seems to specifically talk about something that has been bothering me lately

[@jacobperez8921]

That's precisely why I got hooked on Dr K's videos. The KZbin algorithm would recommend Dr K videos on topics I had in mind sometimes like being 30 and virgin or how to cold approach women. I swear his videos are recommended to me at the right time.

[@AlbertWolfe-p9v]

i didn't want to click on this video because i can't stand thinking about it, but because i had that weak thought, im going to watch this and be uncomfortable, im tired of being in this mental state and i want it to change

[@awsambdaman]

W attitude. The thing we need to face is usually the thing we continually ignore

[@patbingsuyaa]

As an avid Dr. K watcher, this is his best video for me thus far. And it's not even about dating, really. You can substitute the topic for anything that you value but constantly choke at.

[@Richard-ss8ob]

I know that for my case I spent my whole life chasing after relationships and trying be the way I thought would get me into a relationship. Until I eventually "gave up" and accepted that "it will never happen, so I might as well do whatever else makes me happy", I got into a relationship a couple months after that.

[@smkymtnsaws163]

Hey that happened to me too! I’d been doing therapy for a couple of months. Then, I decided that I would do whatever it took to be happy single. Month or so later I stumbled into my current relationship

[@rahvu420]

heyy i did that about 10 years ago and i have now totally accepted it!

[@gottagofastest]

I like how we no longer need to even specify that it's mediocre men going through crushing loneliness. Tall hot guys and the girls he runs through (all of them) are having a great time. The dating world is a harem.

[@yaguking]

Im 33, never been on a date and have never been in a relationship. Every girl ive tried approaching is either already in a relationship or she's very antagonistic at which point i just gave up.

[@chubz8969]

Hey, I know this might sound strange but you can be happy you never fell into the dating-relationship-pit. After several toxic on off relationships, cheating and heartbreak I can tell you... You missed out on some things, but you're really better off being single. If it weren't for that deep primal feeling of wanting to have a woman in my life, I would absolutely stay away from it. But then again we don't choose what we feel. Oh well.

[@StickleBottom]

SHEEESH

[@Youtube_Bee]

@@yaguking same. 33, female, never been in a relationship and I’ve quit trying. Apps were a nightmare. I’m starting to find joy in other aspects of life but today was hard hanging out with my younger siblings and their partners. Oh well 😕

[@fiat_ow7876]

I’ve given up on dating. I’ve never really even tried before. I’ve asked one girl out, we dated for a few months and she cheated on me. The pain I went through when it happened was something I can’t do again. Finding your forever person and spending the rest of your life with them is such a beautiful thing, but I don’t think I deserve it. I dived way too deep into the red pill rabbit hole and it completely screwed my brain up.

[@varnishyourboard]

I took an evolutionary psychology class in college and it basically reinforced all the red pill ideas I desperately didn’t want to believe

[@drummachine5787]

@@varnishyourboard evo psych is a joke to most of the scientific community

[@fiat_ow7876]

@@varnishyourboard i consumed a lot of red pill content but unlearned a lot of it. When I dated that girl and she cheated everything they preach was 100% aligned with my situation. Very hard to get toxic beliefs out of your head when you've seen it happen to you.

[@drummachine5787]

@@varnishyourboardevo psych isn’t taken seriously by most of the scientific community

[@John24678]

@@fiat_ow7876 i hear that bro but what can you do except keep trying, you're a man and you should go for what you want in life it's easier said than done but you owe it to yourself to achieve the things you want and work damn hard to get there. you are absolutely capable of creating the reality you wish to live in, nobody's gonna become a millionaire overnight but with work, failures and setbacks you eventually make progress towards your goals. don't give up bro you only got a limited amount of time here, even if you fail your goals at least you can die on your deathbed knowing you gave it your best. fuck the redpill stuff and just live normally and IRL

[@jurgen951]

Growing up, my parents had a complicated relationship where I became caught in between their struggles. Unbeknownst to me, this resulted in deep anxieties and attachment issues related to relationships and emotions. Usually when I met someone that sparked my interest, my subconscious triggered the fight/flight response, shutting down all progress to “shelter” my inner child. A couple of years ago, I fell deeply in love with someone, yet my automatic response (honed to perfection for 20+ years), tore my heart to shreds, sending me into a severe depression. For what it’s worth, had I not had experienced the utter hell depression can be, I would not have been able to pull away the heavy layers from my protective shell, and gain the awareness of self. Now I know. And once you know, it’s possible to do something about it. (Male, 36)

[@hamilton7128]

I have a question about the whole “work on yourself, before you start dating” when is the work done and when can you start dating. I’ve heard this shit so many times from doctors, from ex girlfriends, from family. I’ve listened and been working on myself for years. I thought I was ready, I started dating, shit went horribly wrong. Got told “maybe you need to work on yourself” this sentence almost made me go end it right then and there after years of “working on myself” I get told to “work on myself.” When am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Will I ever complete the work on myself and be worthy for someone?

[@Kit-kk9cb]

There is a simple answer to this. So long as you try to become worthy enough, you are thinking that you aren't worthy. So you will never be worthy. It's a matter of perspective, plain and simple. Thinking you should be better is great motivator and will help you improve yourself to the very end of your life. Thinking you aren't "worthy" is just plain stupid. I can't stress this enough. So long as you think you are not worthy, you will radiate that outward through your body language and clearly tell women that you are not worthy and they should not bother. They will just know it, and won't be able to tell you what the problem is. It's like with depression. In depression, your brain tries to find an answer to the question "why am I so useless?". Problem is, that presupposes that you ARE useless, so the question can never be answered. My advice to you would be to sit down a long time and write down the things you value, e.g. honesty, family and so on. Then ask yourself if you are living those values. If you do, you should be proud of yourself. If you don't, find ways to do it better. The next time you talk to a person or woman, your mind will be less preoccupied with trying to prove to that person how worthy you are, and instead, you will be more able to listen and show genuine interest in THEM. This is what creates a connection. Best of luck!

[@hamilton7128]

@@Kit-kk9cb youre such a savage. Thanks savage

[@supergonzales8257]

It's not about being worthy, it is about being desired. That, my friend, you can not control. Try not to take that too seriously.

[@edheldude]

Don't try to adapt to a sick culture. Seek better fishing waters.

[@John_R98]

What if the reverse is really the truth? When you are dating, that's when the most progress actually happens because you are forced to improve and you will also know precisely where you need improvement...

[@mynthis]

I definitely see myself adding value to relationships and don’t really know what I want with them, how I don’t really have a plan for it. Yet I will act like it’s just so much different than it would be for anyone else. Thankyou for this

[@phenomadology23]

Maybe it's because I'm ace, but I think FRIENDSHIP is so underappreciated. Good friends can give you emotional intimacy and support, not to mention hugs! You can still feel disappointed and rejected with friends, but it's less of an all-or-nothing proposition, and getting to know new people gives you great practice at figuring out who you want in your inner circle, and who is interesting for an occasional meeting but not worthy of your time and trust. I also want to put in a plug for making friends of all ages. I have learned SO MUCH from my older friends, and whenever I talk to kids it somehow puts my life in perspective. Plus, a lot of older folks feel invisible, and you can get a big rush just from a smile and a few words when you know it makes their day.

[@skorpion7132]

first question: Are you male/female? Second question: Are those friend opposite sex or same? I think I could rule out one specific combination, because that's not how that combination tends to do things. I leave it up to you to figure it out.

[@matoiiveyy2005]

by claiming you are ace you are admitting to being biologically predisposed into being incapable of even begininng to fathom what it is non ace people desire from a relationship, meaning, there is something more in relationships than that which can be rationalized and meet the eye. People arent after friendships, not most anyways. They are after relationships, cause they are inherently different in context and practice.

[@AwsOm3Fac3]

Your opinion is invalid in this space. You have no idea what this even is about

[@phenomadology23]

@@matoiiveyy2005 While I am also predisposed to disbelieve that I'm unable to understand anything, lol, I definitely think the latter part of what you said is true. It took me a long time to figure myself out b/c when I looked at my parents and other marriages around me, I wanted what I saw: tenderness, loyalty, enjoyment and appreciation of each other, teamwork, honesty, trust, playfulness, hugs. I'd still like to find all that with one person 4life, but friendships and other relationships have been really life-changing for me, and I wish I could give every other lonely person the comfort of a few good friends.

[@phenomadology23]

@@AwsOm3Fac3It sounds like you're sad and frustrated. I'm sorry, that sucks even if I don't 100% feel what you're going through. I really hope you find your special someone. At the same time, you may wish to reconsider whether friendship and social skills have nothing to do with dating.

[@Fe-gb3bn]

I specially liked how you described abused people, that when a good person starts treating them well, they expect abuse and run away.

[@LittleHobbit13]

I have tried to explain the concept of "corrective emotional experiences" to many a person (without realizing there was a term for it!) and it is TOUGH. In the context of work, for example, I've tried explaining "I've had so many bad, abusive managers that it's tough for me to value myself and my work, and what I need to fix that is opportunities to work under supportive managers who care enough to invest in me and provide positive experiences" and so often you just get met with that classic and tone deaf "You're past it, let those experiences go" or "You shouldn't need validation from other people. Just believe in yourself." Oh gee, yes, I didn't realize I could just WISH my trauma gone and self-esteem back into existence, didn't realize it was that easy.🙄 For better or worse, we're social creatures. We are affected by our interactions with the people around us and we generally crave _some_ level of social acceptance that can leave us malleable by the opinions of others. In the same way that bad experiences can damage you, it makes sense that you would need good experiences to patch you back up.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

It's worth investigating therapies like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and EFT as trauma is trapped within the body. Also test yourself for any allergies you might have as well.

[@123571321]

Your final thoughts reminded me of a phrase. Something along the lines of: if scars are the mark of a bad experience in the skin, caresses can be the mark of a good experience.

[@lilymulligan8180]

Well said. People who dismiss the idea of healing through positive interactions with "get over it, stop relying on others, believe in yourself" are still lost in the sauce of our extreme individualistic culture. I guarantee that they expressed similar feelings at one point, and someone else said those exact words to them... And they internalized it. People can't validate wounds in others that they haven't validated within themselves. As they say, hurt people hurt people 😞 props to you for your self awareness and courage!

[@badart3204]

Nah it’s all in your head bro 😎

[@StrumVogel]

As someone who was cheated on multiple times by their partner. Let me tell you, being single is NOT the worst thing that can happen to you. I’d rather sleep alone than lay next to someone who made me feel alone the entire time.

[@edheldude]

💯

[@Empty58931]

Yeah but atleast you know how it felt pal. Y'all always say it s worse to be cheated or in a toxic abusive relationship but you never got the chance to feel what it s like to never date anyone, never hold hands, never kiss or hug. I honestly think this void of emptiness is much more empty and hurtful over time than a toxic relationship.

[@edheldude]

@@Empty58931 This is also true. Saying the food was bad doesn't help the starving.

[@smileydude12]

The thing that I hate hearing as a man from people most is 'be confident'. If it was that simple, most men would have the woman of their dreams. When you've had the correct attitude for a good portion of your life and confidence has never done anything for you, what gives those people like you a reason to be confident? Going through years of those failures breaks someone down mentally slowly over time. It makes them just settle with the possibility that it's not gonna happen and then just hope that luck and patience blesses them sometime down the road. Personally I have had multiple instances where someone that did have feelings for me just never made it obvious. Never gave me a reason to take that shot. It's just expected for men to play a guessing game and to read the most subtle signs that may or may not mean anything. It's a rough world for some of us in the relationship game. Keep your heads up.

[@Oatmilk345]

10:36 Doctor k is wrong here, maybe he’s right about a small portion of people but for a majority a relationship is one of those things that humans crave, it’s built into them to want to give and receive love. You don’t need to experience love to understand that it feels amazing and is very fulfilling. But overall I appreciate the message and lessons he teaches.

[@Oatmilk345]

Great video tho a lot of uncomfortable truths but it helps

[@isaiahbevans2789]

23:20 - 25:50 . You seriously blew my mind here, cause this puts some new contexts on why my last Ex GF who had diagnosed BPD and trauma from previous relationships broke up with me. The fact I was trying to hold onto the relationship with what I thought a good BF should do (mostly nice, with some light negging) might have left her thinking "when's the other shoe dropping?" Until she just fled from the situation after 2 months and 3 weeks.

[@coloureleven]

Make it less important Dont discount yourself or pick partners you dont really want because of low self esteem work on yourself If you have no good experiences/limited bad experiences, its obvious that you have no frame of reference and hence make up fantasies Plus, its hard to imagine good times (the bitter medicine and never putting anything in my mouth again analogy got me) Precisely portray problem so you can work on it Most imp -- dont pigeon hole yourself into an identity. Or fall into the trap of believing that your actions dont influence /shape your life. They do. Love this video! Going to keep coming back to this Thanks dr k I feel much better ❤

[@twisted5576]

No, I don’t have a preconception or high ideals. I just want someone to have mutual feelings for me.

[@nackedgrils9302]

I wish I had received this advice a few years ago. Being single and not able to get a single date through dating apps made me suffer so much I was suicidal. Then I eventually gave up on dating apps and felt less confronted by the fact I was always alone and unhappy, this made things a little better but I still suffered everytime I'd see a cute girl or a young couple on a date. I am currently working on giving up on the entire idea that I'll ever have a relationship but I can't find anything else to make life worth living... It's a long process, guys. I've been trapped in this for a whole decade now, I hope that you can make it out of there faster than me.

[@solbradguy7628]

Yeah this is exactly my experience as well. Same length of time for me too, it's been about a decade now. Every time I see a cute girl or especially a young couple or anytime I even think about them I want to die. I've been trying to give up on the idea of ever having a relationship but it's extremely hard. I haven't really tried to find one in several years but the hope is still there. But I'm getting older every day and so many factors just make everything feel hopeless. I'm trying but I really don't know how much longer I can do this honestly.

[@infinitydesu]

​​@@solbradguy7628I honestly wish that food, water, air and sleep were the only things needed for a human being to function but no, we have to deal with all of this bs nonsense because we are "social creatures". If I don't want to have a partner, let me get it out of my damn system then.

[@Peayou...]

​​@@solbradguy7628yeah same. I'm a girl and I always hear people talk about how it's easier for girls but it's not for me. I strongly believe I'll die alone. I don't know what happened, I used to have hope/ wasn't too interested in a relationship then sudenly I begin to realize it was going to be impossible for me. I'm too awkward. Everytime I see a cute guy not even look at me in class or on out and about I realise I'm not pretty enough. Or a couple I compare myself to the girl. I die inside eveytime I see people. I try to dress well to impress but nothing works and I end up feeling like a dork. Than laying in bed thinking about hurts my heart

[@skorpion7132]

Maybe its just me, but this is what I would consider being defeated, rather than anything else. Even if I could eventually accept such a thing... I don't think I would want to.

[@SpicyPunkRockerOfficial]

@@solbradguy7628Dude.. hit the gym get physically stacked, it will give you confidence and you have to keep swinging till you get a hit. Even if it takes years.. it’s 100% a numbers game. No woman is going to randomly knock on your door one day and say “Hey wanna go out?! 👩 “ lol we have to do the work as men and get out of our comfort zone and put ourselves out there.. and be the ones to initiate. Less you wallow in self pity and more you initiate.. ironically the less nerve racking it becomes. Our bodies eventually get used to doing something we do over and over (like working out to get confidence and eventually start initiating talking with women in social settings, and then asking for a number (not a “date” but a number, it’s less creepy off the bat lol). Take it slow approach. You got this man, but it’s on you. Ultimately the fact we have to work hard for it also makes it that much more rewarding when you do land someone. It’s possible.. trust me, but it’s all on you. It took me many many years of tries (1000s of tries) and learning and adjusting, working on myself (did I mention work out at a gym? This is underrated) and eventually I landed one from oddly enough a friend request and Facebook message lol, but did get dates from going to various night scenes too. End of day .. I tried and kept taking action. I’m now been with someone going on 8 years and weve been married for about 1 year. You can do it man, but it’s on you. God Bless 👍✝️

[@tigerfalco]

That work on yourself part i will never get tired of hearing you talk about it. It is the thing I hear all the time, but I hit a point where I realized that I can only do so much on my own. I don't even know how much improvement I've made that could make that more achievable. That ache you mentioned, I think I hit a point where I subconsciously couldn't deal with it anymore. After years and years of it, one day it just...stopped. Not really happy about accepting things as they are until I die alone, but at least its not tearing me up like it used to.

[@Haboobz66]

Daaaamn I can't believe that sonebody feels 100% the same way I do at least according to what you wrote. That hit differently.

[@cyperpunk6969]

​@@Haboobz66you are definitely not alone. There are many many people just like us. Somehow this makes me feel not so bad about myself.

[@timecorn]

I get that wanting a relationships comes from a hunger, but if you have a hunger for intimacy how the hell you solve it without a relationship?

[@armandobeltran361]

in my experience by changing the focus to other things in life that are important to you, but I suggest therapy because everyone is different.

[@StarJester]

try and foster more intimate relationships with family and friends, people you already know you can trust. so if you find someone in the future you won't become completely emotionally dependent on them cuz that's unhealthy anyways

[@mathius_dragoon532]

The "experts" never seem to have an answer for that

[@vklnew9824]

​@@armandobeltran361 "therapy" your face definitely needs to touch concrete, that'll be your physical therapy.

[@superdupeninja8149]

@@armandobeltran361basically you have to find something you love in life more than a relationship

[@Naxthural]

When the only woman i ever loved died, i found myself unable to fill the void that was left. Its bene fifteen years and no one makes me feel evem remotely happy. All i want is to move forward.

[@Hexanitrobenzene]

I know a few words from someone you haven't even met will not mean much, but... I'm sorry for your loss.

[@Naxthural]

@@Hexanitrobenzene It's a day by day thing. Not much of a struggle, more just wading, y'now? All I can do is just try to enjoy myself.

[@exoticindiaa]

You are doing better than Johnny Deep and Tom Brady, these celebs havent seen a single good woman in their life, they are getting cheated on with low quality women

[@Naxthural]

Well, of course. Their relationships are not genuine or built on love. They're built on a transaction. She gets the clout and money of a celebrity, he gets a pretty trophy. That sort of relationship will never last.

[@damuffin91]

​@@NaxthuralGisele was already famous before marrying Tom Brady

[@BlackishBear]

Meeting people organically is the hard part. For the most part all the good ones are just taken boss. I was in the grocery isle today, ran into a girl that seemed very average looking I was certainly interested, but I said to myself "hold your breath" and sure enough her man came from around the corner. That's every damn time

[@marisan404]

This video comes in great time. Got out of a very abusive and toxic relationship last year and since then I've been confused between feeling lonely and not wanting to ever date again.

[@WINT3R_94]

Get a cat.

[@maddog2314]

Ayy wanna start dating? (Kidding... Unless?)

[@itwasmewasntit2448]

Taking your time and spending it to figure your current feelings out could be a good idea maybe.

[@Gemisnotmyname]

Whatever u do. Dont date @maddog2314 Red flag😂

[@handlebar4520]

when the amydala does a bit of trolling

[@Photik]

I've given up on dating. Tonight, I will be paying for platonic cuddling.

[@kllycolorado6500]

How? I would pay for cuddling…

[@bremcurt9514]

The commodification of human relationships is so sad.

[@Muscaplays]

Before I‘d pay for cuddling I‘d rather pay for a massage. Gets you relaxed while also giving oxytocin

[@Am_Ende]

Going to the cuddle plug, huh? Enjoy!

[@richardmccabe2392]

​@@Muscaplayscuddling provides oxytocin as well, much more than a massage

[@mr.terrible7415]

"make this less important to you" Me: OK! Narrator: And he continued the rest of his life single because he put no effort into dating since it was no longer important to him

[@ExecutionSommaire]

For me it's becoming more and more obvious that I need to (re)learn how to make friends. Everything starts here. Once you have a bunch of friends, first you're not lonely anymore. You don't crave human interactions anymore. You go out, do stuff, meet new people along the way. All of this increase the chances of a relationship exponentially. But if you're a loner like me and don't work to change that, giving up on trying to get into a relationship (via dating apps typically) will simply make your chances go down to absolute zero instead of a tiny probability.

[@MooShaka89]

After the past...9 years being single and crying so much for being single... I finally left it in the back of my mind. I don't care anymore and I feel so much more at peace. A lot of things really go into that for me it's a bit complex but I'm done looking for a GF. I'm focused on my career, animals, and enjoying my life. I much prefer this than always crying at women not liking me.

[@jigsaw2253]

It’s over man

[@fleecejohnsonn]

@@jigsaw2253 it never began

[@shadow13392]

It is what it is

[@Therock151214]

You need to date woman who are below your league.

[@ryanbarker3978]

I think a lot of people out there just aren’t built for what dating has become, but want a spouse, family, or other sort of long term relationship which creates a significant amount of anxiety for them. They just want to get to the 1 out of 100 and move on.

[@Afineaddition]

That one lucky date can change everything. Some people effortlessly make it all click. But in many cases, repeated failures with different people while trying new approaches will lead you to thinking you’re the problem. Therefore you withdraw, unsure of when to return or if you should even consider it.

[@redgreen2453]

“Ask yourself why a relationship is so important to you” Because my entire life I’ve hated myself, but the three months two years ago that I somehow found myself in a relationship I actually got to experience self worth for a moment because everytime I would start to feel worthless I could say “well at least someone likes me” but then we broke up and I went back to having no defense against my self-loathing, and it’s even kinda worse now because for a moment there I got to experience a break in the darkness so yeah, it’s pretty important to me and somehow magically suddenly caring less and thus putting in even less effort into dating (because if I didn’t care, why would I?) is only going to give me even less results than I already have right? And if Michael Phelps doesn’t know how to derive a sense of self-worth from accomplishment then that’s on him. Skill issue. If I won some kind of award like that, I’d never be sad again. Cuz anytime I got sad I could just be like “you’ve got a gold medal, you have proof that you matter.” Honestly, I don’t think I’d even need a relationship at that point if I had that

[@Kit-kk9cb]

Medals are worthless pieces of trash. They are a stand-in for human appreciation, but that appreciation comes with terms. If you are self-loathing, that right there is the problem. What do you hate yourself for? What keeps you from going out and changing it? To believe that you are important enough for the universe to make you that one person that is somehow worthless is an arrogance unto itself.

[@redgreen2453]

@@Kit-kk9cb medals aren’t worthless if you get them for actually accomplishing something generally seen as impressive and I’m definitely not the only person the universe made that sucks :p

[@Kit-kk9cb]

@@redgreen2453 They are still worthless. They have no inherent value, only the value you attach to them. Let me explain it better. If you go to a restaurant and show your medal, no one will give you a free meal. No one will even pay you respects (maybe only to be polite). You may be the best in any given field, people from a different field still won't know or respect you. In other words, there's always more people that don't know you or don't care about you than those who (supposedly) do. Also, it doesn't mean you have to be the only person that sucks. But it seems like you think you may be unfixable. Thinking that means assigning oneself at least some kind of specialty. But none of us are so special as to be unfixable. We're all just normal people and follow the same laws. The more we work on ourselves, the better we get.

[@hkszerlahdgshezraj5219]

This is a really good question I've been asking myself since my last breakup. Most of my relationships were kinda boring. I've very often spent time with my SOs, thinking about all the more productive, interesting and exciting things I could've been doing instead. I should get back in the game soon, but I find it hard to come up with a reason why.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

Maybe find someone who shares your interests in those exciting things or at least some of them.

[@hkszerlahdgshezraj5219]

@@dumfriesspearhead7398 women don't do that

[@arjunt973]

this man be solving every problem i have but months after the damage is done

[@AceRamone]

I'm 57 and have cancer. It really is over.

[@WINT3R_94]

Brootal

[@StarJester]

i'm sorry man

[@Sleepypivy]

I’m sorry for you ace :(

[@Naxthural]

You can beat it.

[@arrow2380]

Your first priority is to beat cancer, not watching videos about dating sir.

[@Lilliana1]

I love dates. They are sweet, nutty and go super well with chocolate. They also are great for iron or so I have heard

[@krox477]

They're expensive

[@VijayThakurMD]

​@@krox477 they are cheap here

[@Terrencehill19]

I don't feel like I'm having too high standards or something... I'm very considerate and am also told so by friends. But most interactions tend to just reinforce my resentment towards relationship stuff. I don't think I've ever experienced "sexual" interest from any person in any way so I kind of gave up on the whole thing but am still filled with frustration and resentment; but if I'd "just work out and whatever" ofc that may improve my looks and with that maybe my lacking confidence... But that'd just be surrendering to the idea of looks deciding everything in the end, which I doubt is either healthy nor good for mental health

[@justb4116]

Workout isn't for the looks. Looks is a byproduct, a bonus if you like Workout us for your health (first and foremost, anything leading to long term damage is.. Well.. Damaging), for your strength - mental and physical, for your discipline There are other means to strive for the health+strenght+discipline, workouts is just one of the tools. A shorthand reference to a category if you'd prefer

[@Kanye2028]

looks do decide everything in the end. ignoring reality will not solve your problems.

[@badart3204]

Looks are necessary to get your foot in the door. Who you are as a person is what gets you beyond the first date. Your looks are your resume that gets scanned by HR(eyes) while your personality is the interview and how good of an employee you are. It’s not all looks bc I assume you want more than a string of first dates but looks = sexual desire =relationship vs friendship

[@jejo63660]

Working out and being in shape has been stolen from healthy people by narcissistic fitness influencers. At its core, working out is about taking care of yourself and should not be done even remotely to get the approval of others. It is an act of self love - a way of telling yourself that you are important and deserve to be treated well - way, way before it is an act of narcissism and looking good for someone else. Paradoxically, because working out is such a strong sign of self love, it attracts others.

[@tonythetwitch5813]

​@@badart3204 it's unfortunate as a 5'6 man my looks won't matter bcuz my height will be the first thing they see

[@leonkennedy9739]

Bruh. I just work out now. I don't care anymore, i am more than content.

[@smoothbrian.3997]

Our society is a Mouse Utopia Experiment, be one of the beautiful ones!

[@shadow13392]

🫂

[@computerpwn]

i like these longer form videos where you talk over yourself without editing out all the “filler” or sticking to a script, i feel like a conversation is easier to follow than a presentation

[@lindseyneon1771]

I have to say thank you so much to my HG coach, Andre, for helping me stay centered while I navigated new dating experiences over the summer. He helped me see the inflated importance I'd placed on relationships and let go when someone I fell for was uncertain of me due to our places in life. I was able to let go with little scarring and preserve more dignity than I had in previous relationships. Things have rekindled organically since my coaching ended and we're now in a stronger-than-ever committed relationship. It wouldn't have happened if I had fallen into old patterning and shattered trust by projecting my fixations onto my partner. The work I did with my coach meant so much to me. There's so much truth to this approach to dating.

[@czymogejuziscspac]

The thing about giving too much importance to relationships is so true even when you're not at the dating stage. I've been in a relationship 9 years and I still have a similar issue of having a fantasy and then being disappointed and then thinking something's wrong with my partner or our relationship. When in reality I should probably focus on the actual relationship we have, on the real person I'm with rather than compare it to the fantasy. And when I do that it turns out there's a lot of good things about him and about our relationship :) Also thank you for helping me understand my tendency to want to run away. I have a thought regularly about wanting to end things with my partner. I'm starting to see that, since I had a pretty lonely childhood with parents who couldn't give me the care I needed, I'm really really scared sometimes (still, after 9 years!) that my partner will also one day become this un-emotional, un-loving and egoistical person.

[@keithBeserra]

I know this is a little bit of a nitpick but I really appreciate the way he says "maybe getting married" instead of just saying getting married. There's always unnecessary pressure for people to get married, and I appreciate that this trained professional takes the time to make that delineation

[@davidpt]

My struggles isn't that dating is too important or that I give up on the better people and choose the worse ones. The real struggle is not actually finding anyone that is even remotely interested in dating you back, even though i'm actually an awesome person, been working on myself for many years and I'm quite happy with all the progress I've made. And i'm not settling for anyone who won't recognize that. If they like you just for the looks, or because of your earnings, or clout or something, it's easy to tell. Run. It's okay to wait a long time for the right person

[@LobotomyTC]

How arrogant does someone have to be to call themselves awesome? Do you have a reddit account?

[@RisingChaos]

My standards aren't even close to unreasonable: not morbidly obese, not a bum, not an a-hole. But it doesn't matter, nobody wants anything to do with me. I'm not even ugly, just short which for some reason seems to be all that matters for men anymore but I digress... And how can it be my personality when I seem to have no issue engaging people platonically? How can it be my personality when nobody is reciprocating my efforts to dig down and get to know each other on a deeper level? "There is a natural organicness to relationships. That's how human relationships are designed to evolve." Allegedly. Theoretically. I see it happen to other people, and that's why I don't understand what's wrong with me. I didn't try to date in my teens and 20's; shockingly, I ended up in zero relationships! Now that I've been trying in my 30's, I can get a date here and there but they simply never go anywhere. Nobody is ever attracted to me, even the dates that seem to go very well. But I'm not stupid. On paper, there's nothing wrong with me. I should not be having a literally impossible time dating. It's as if I'm not actually human or something. I've given up trying to understand it. The only logical conclusion I can draw is that success is sheer dumb luck, pure cosmic randomness, and I'm just an unfortunate victim.

[@davidpt]

@@LobotomyTC Just self confidence. Nothing wrong with realizing you're awesome. If you can't compliment yourself, you're missing out. I'm not arrogant, just know my value

[@firion666]

@@RisingChaos If you're over 30 you hit a wall, there's nothing you can do about it. Men always prefer younger women.

[@LobotomyTC]

@@davidpt there is a pretty sparse gap between having confidence and being waaaaay up your own ass.

[@jacobperez8921]

As a 30 year old guy whos never been on a date or had physical interaction with a girl, i used to get attention from girls in my early 20's and i never really understood these signs and sometimes never cared to pay attention. Nowadays i regret not making a single move back then. Now in my early 30's, i actuslly try to make moves like asking for phone numbers who dating is brutal in 2024. I feel bad for Gen Z guys.

[@AG26498]

I thought I was the only one and there was something wrong me. It kinda feels wholesome knowing many other guys go through this

[@granpaNurgle]

1. Be attractive 2. Don't be unattractive 3. Have naturally good luck

[@UberHeroMystic]

If i had a dollar for every fat and/or ugly guy i saw with a gorgeous woman, id have enough to pay off my student loans. Looks don’t matter as much as the internet might have you think.

[@DionLYA]

@@UberHeroMystic a girl who showed a lot of interest in me, went cold on me and got into a relationship with a very anti-social guy from within the same office... Despite this, my friends think he is very handsome... So yea, looks do matter...

[@UberHeroMystic]

@@DionLYA if that’s what you want to tell yourself and ignore all the other variables that attracted her to him, that’s fine. When you’ve met as many couples as me, you’ll think different.

[@SSZaris]

I live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone somehow. If you have a bad date, or reveal some vulnerability, that is now public knowledge to the entire town. There's no way I'm putting myself out there in this environment.

[@Yellow.1844]

Go to a city

[@senttex1407]

your form of explaining this is.. amazing when you said "what is it that your mind thinks this is" it made me notice that I don't necessarily want a girlfriend, i just want someone to keep me company, it doesn't necessarily have to be a girlfriend, just someone to to things with, share the things i like to do with

[@thevipez8740]

Don’t give up! I also thought 99% of all girls are people i could never see myself being in relationship with because of how bad toxic girls there exists nowdays Yet randomly by chance i found the most cutest amazing lovely girl ever who i have been with for the last 3 years now and plan to be with for the rest of my life😁 My word of advice is, do not go for someone who seems disinterested, as its a gigantic waste of time, if you do find someone that genuinely enjoys your company, then go for that person👍 For example, if a girl sometimes ignores you without a legitimate understandable reason, tell her simply «ok», leave, and never talk to her again, will save you a lot of time👍

[@naylorbroughton1159]

Huh???? I decided to "put dating aside" and focus on me. I was 26? 27? Now Im Im 56 and no woman ever thought I was "more attractive" because of this.

[@kartikayysola]

Yep, I did that at 19. I'm 32 now. Still nothing, even as all my friends are now in committed relationships or married. What happened to me?

[@naylorbroughton1159]

@@kartikayysola The next advice is always "just go up and talk to women, they dont bite / they love when a man has confidence to approach"

[@DeadCat-42]

If that was only true. I gave up trying at 30, the only reason I ever dated was I'm tall and attractive.. No women has asked me out in a decade..