is switching doctor's racist? 🩺 r/AITA

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[@kimmcsharry4256]

It's REALLY important to understand your doctor. If the accent causes you to mishear something, it could result in serious health issues. I can totally understand her wanting to switch doctors in that instance.

[@armychickenable]

Yes, as a healthcare provider, you need to be comfortable with us. Trying to understand symptoms and medications with a language barrier makes a hard task very difficult at times. Same goes for anything that makes you overly uncomfortable.

[@kate1618]

so much: this. Thanks for saying it. I once met a psychiatrist who didn't really speak the language at all and I just felt so bad for everyone, because he might be a great doctor, but especially in that field it's so important to understand the patients and even their "undertones" and what they say between the lines...

[@kagehira-mika]

i was just going to comment this! as an example, what if your doctor tells you to take a medication 2 times a day, but you mishear and take the medication only once a day, or more than 2 times a day! with many medications that could cause serious harm and even death in some cases. and that's only one example i thought of, it's extremely important to understand what your doctor is saying otherwise there could be serious health repercussions!

[@alex_blue5802]

Yeah, I think OP needs to do what is right for them in this case. "What if everyone did it," is not OPs problem.

[@durabelle]

This! I really appreciate how Shaaba gets me to consider possible unconscious racial biases, so I tried to check my atyitude on this case too. I'm not hard of hearing, but I've got auditory processing issues and a lot of social anxiety. I'm also not a native English speaker myself, and my ability to fill in the blanks with strong accents in English is much worse than it is in my own language. The thought of having to struggle any extra at a doctor's office would make it even harder to ever book an appointment. So in this case I would totally change doctors, and I don't think there's any kind of a bias behind it. I've had a Russian doctor with a very strong but clear accent that I didn't struggle with. I've also met people whom I couldn't understand at all (a very thick Irish accent for example), just luckily not in healthcare. I believe healthcare is one of those special areas where good communication is too important to sacrifice. If I honestly could not understand my doctor I would much rather change doctors than having to complicate the communication by adding extra people as translators or asking for the doctor to write every other word down for me. If those were the only ways to make it work, then I'd of course try them, but if I could communicate better with another doctor then I think that would be a better outcome for everyone, and should be the first choice really. I'd even go as far as to say that communicating is such a huge part of a doctor's job that if most patients had an issue with that and the doctor wouldn't have enough work because of it, it would be their responsibility to work on it.

[@melissacoviello2886]

As someone who is hard of hearing… I legitimately cannot understand most people with a thick accent and the truth is we spend our entire lives trying to overcome and understand. When it comes to your doctor there can be no room for misunderstandings. It’s a health risk. When I talk to someone on the phone and I don’t have the benefit of being able to lipread at all (which only impacts understanding up to 30% with top level ability to lipread) that means I cannot talk to them on the phone.

[@melissacoviello2886]

For context I have moderate hearing loss which most people think of as 50% hearing loss, that’s not actually accurate, but whatever. For me it is not just an issue of volume, but also clarity. When people speak more loudly to me it does not help me, it might even muffle things more. What my brain does for me is fill in the blanks, every 3rd to 5th word from context and lip reading when I speak to other English speakers, without being to lip read because the words are not formed the same way on the mouth I’m legitimately missing another 20% from the the already 20-30% I’m missing because my ears cannot pick up sounds quieter than 50 decibels. Your experience and Jamie’s experience with working through misunderstandings with others with thick accents are not at all comparable to what those with hearing loss experience. Also one hard of hearing persons experience does not explain what another person’s experience is. I have and so does my youngest what’s called a cookie bite loss, my 16 year old and my husband are stone deaf in the higher frequencies, but they have better hearing than I do in the low frequencies. We miss parts of words, and fill in the blanks with lip reading to bring us up to 80% understanding under the best of circumstances, take away lip reading (like while everyone wore masks) and I’m down to 50% understanding. And my students (I am a deaf and hard of hearing itinerant assistant) have wide ranging hearing abilities and need a variety of accommodations. My 16 year old looks down when they talk, I miss an additional 20% of what they say, that’s intentional on their part, but I’m just saying.

[@NicoleFitzsimmons93]

I’m hoh as well, and yes absolutely agree with your point, and especially with the masks mandate it has been super hard the last few years. Thank you for putting into words what I have struggled to tell hearing people all my life! ❤️

[@HighLordBaron]

Yeah. I have APD and fuck me, dialects can be impossible to understand. I also have autism, so, trying to navigate social situations is already a bit difficult. So yeah, I'd switch too ngl

[@vocalsunleashed]

Yeah I did not like Shaaba's take on that story. I have tinnitus too though it's not nearly as bad as the OP's in that story because it is a high pitched sound in both ears which mostly bothers me when it is quiet as it is more prominent then, but I can completely understand that it can make understanding other people harder. I'm confused as to why she seems to be convinced that an unconscious bias has to be involved, when this is just an accessibility problem that is nobody's fault in particular, it just exists and the best solution to me seems to be switching to a different doctor that OP can understand

[@YourQueerGreatAuntie]

Thanks for offering some hoh perspectives here. I'm visually impaired and autistic, and have loads of (mostly horrendous) experiences with different doctors. I'd be interested to know what hoh commenters here feel about the level of internalised ableism? I think that, especially for those who acquire hearing loss later in life, there's still a huge stigma around telling people / strangers that you're hard of hearing, or have a communication difference of any kind. It is bloody exhausting to have to explain yourself over and over again, and health-care settings can be some of the least accessible environments!

[@eevilauntie]

Not being able to understand your doctor is not the same as not understanding a cashier or a taxi driver. Grocery shopping or riding in a taxi is a narrowly scripted transaction that you can usually muddle through without much talking at all. A doctor has to be able to communicate a lot of very important information and they're often pressed for time. Also, I don't know what it's like to try parsing speech with severe tinnitus, so I feel like me saying "you'll get used to it" would be ableist. Maybe it can be unreasonably difficult to a degree where the best solution is to switch doctors. (I do have an auditory processing disorder so I have a lot of sympathy for anyone struggling with speech comprehension.)

[@kaylynkalupar]

I'm with you on this one. It's fine for things to take longer or to repeat yourself if you're ordering coffee, or talking to a receptionist. But as a chronically ill person, I know how important it is to have your doctor understand you and for you to understand them. You don't have time to "get used to it" when you only see them for 20 minutes every two months because that's all they can squeeze you in for. Suggesting that the patient should just get over their disability rather than finding a doctor who is a better fit is ableist af.

[@n0b0dy--]

I knew someone with auditory processing disorder and she found it so difficult to understand doctors with accents especially during COVID because the masks meant she couldn't lip read.

[@tabitas.2719]

I fully agree with you! :)

[@hi_im_nike]

i agree, for personal reasons, i can relat to the distress of not being able to understand yore doctor. you go to the doctor wen you'r in pain and need halp, and they say all these medical terms, it's hard to keep up even when you do understand the spich. i like the ideas shabba said, there were things she could have done better. but i don't think op should be blamde for not coming up whit that, while she needs to focus on herself and her health. and i'm sure the doctor will be o.k it's not that she complained abut him and got him in trouble

[@SplotPublishing]

I agree with all your points. I have a minor hearing loss, and it makes a massive difference in understanding human speech. (And no, speaking louder doesn't necessarily help.) Usually it's funny. My daughter rolls her eyes, "No, mom, they didn't say big blue dog. Why would they say that?" lol But, it is NOT ok to expect me to just "get used to" an inability to understand my doctor! Not even if the reason was a medical disability on their part, or foreign accent, or a regional accent, or whatever else might interfere with understanding. But to take it even further, I also care for my mother who has Altzheimer's dementia. I have to listen for her, and for me. She has upwards of 20 appointments a month, not counting home care visitors. She takes a boatload of medications, has to deal with 3 insurance providers, and cannot adequately communicate. So, if you think I would tolerate for even one visit a doctor whom I could not comprehend fully and/or did not understand me fully, you're not only ablist, you're a damn fool and I pray you are never in charge of someone else's care in their old age. You just can't do that. It's not about sparing their feelings. It's about not putting your loved one's life in real danger, or causing multiple delays, overcharges, or denials of care because you aren't adequately communicating their complicated needs, abilities, desires, etc. This isn't buying a car or catering a wedding. This is someone's LIFE. No, uh-uh. And yes, I'd be perfectly alright if someone chose not to deal with me for the same or similar reason. When I was still working, I was a drug and alcohol counselor, and we used to switch patients all the time if they felt they just weren't "clicking" with us, regardless of the reason. It didn't hurt our fee-fees. Some things are just more important.

[@jess-mx]

I'm already uncomfortable enough at a doctor's office and struggle to get the confidence to ask all my questions and assert myself. That would only be exacerbated if I had to ask to doctor to repeat themselves constantly.

[@robertaewing5468]

One of the reasons I left my doctor was because I had two problems I had to talk to him about and when I went into the second problem yelled at me and said I’m only allowed one problem per visit

[@sarahsnow9088]

​@@robertaewing5468 I really don't like the "one issue per appointment " rule that most doctors have these days for adult patients. My children's doctor is ok with us bringing up as many issues as we need to discuss right at the beginning of the appointment and they do their best to get to as many as they can within the appointment schedule time but my personal doctors that I have had since becoming an adult will only allow 1 issue per appointment. They say it's for insurance purposes but the same insurance is ok paying for multiple issues when coming from the kids doctor so I find it hard to believe. Just because we have grown up to adults doesn't mean we suddenly have only 1 health concern for the rare appointment times we get. I am so with you on this one and if you can find a doctor who will treat multiple issues in one appointment keep them! You will be very lucky.

[@MaineCoonMama18]

@@sarahsnow9088 I agree, that seems strange. I understand that time is a big issue for most providers, but I'm not sure why they'd need to be that strict. My doctors have always just addressed whatever they can, which is usually all or most of my concerns. I guess I've just been fortunate.

[@graciecat6344]

Exactly what I was thinking. The fact that it's a doctor makes this a unique situation. The patient is vulnerable and misunderstandings can be dangerous. I get very stressed at doctors visits, and struggle to remember what I'm told, and I can hear my doctor perfectly. Medical jargon may also add to the problem

[@meaganstratton1733]

A bit of a different spin, if you have an issue hearing someone and are spending effort to listen and fill in missing pieces of what is being explained, especially if it is more technical medical terms that are uncommon, then I would find it hard to focus to ask all of my questions. I would rather put my brain power on understand the actual subject rather than the combination of words in the explanation. I am happy to have a doctor that I work well with and a major part is because their way of explaining things clicks in my brain and I feel like I get more out of those appointments and I feel safer bringing up embarrassing questions.

[@Tustin2121]

Last story: there’s absolutely no way that last story is No Drama Here, because this whole thing started because the cousin went off on OP needlessly. The cousin is definitely drama, regardless of OP’s dramatic status.

[@alex_blue5802]

Thank you for pointing that out! I feel like everyone forgot that.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

It made me a bit uncomfortable the way Shaaba said "I'm just waiting for the racism to come into it" with the last one. It definitely does feel a little biased to go into it assuming OP is racist just because they mentioned struggling to understand someone's accent. I had a colleague last year from Liverpool and I only understood about 20% of what he was saying. It is good to be exposed to different accents, but not understanding an accent really doesn't equal racism. I'm currently living in a different country and usually, I speak the language of this country but sometimes, there are scenarios where people are talking my native language but not everybody present is a native speaker - and people don't always understand my accent, so I'll try to speak in a way that makes it easier for them to understand me. Sometimes the native speakers of this country have to do the same for me, as the language here is my third language. When it comes to something like a _doctor,_ it is crucial that you understand them. This is about your _health._ You have to pick the doctor that works for you. OP never said the doctor was bad at his job - they actually said the opposite. Struggle to understand an accent, especially for someone with hearing difficulties, does not have to be racially motivated. I think you may have some unconscious bias here, Shaaba, and you can't compare it to Jamie's dad - because you can find another doctor to make your life and healthcare stuff easier without much difficulty but you can't just replace your father-in-law. They're different situations. If somebody's accent is making things hard for OP, they're under no obligation to go to a special effort - and good doctors will understand that and want their patients to be comfortable. Every good doctor I've met would encourage me to see a different doctor if that would help me. I would also add that there's a difference between having an accent and having SUCH a heavy accent that people can't understand you. When you're practising healthcare in a language - any language - you do have to be able to speak that language well enough to be understood. Speaking as a linguist, accent is an important part of learning a language. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it does have to be understandable. You think French people are going to want to employ a native English speaker who goes round saying "mercy buckoo?" I speak about seven languages and I put a lot of effort into making sure my accent is good enough to be understood. Final edit to add: okay, I guess it made me more than a bit uncomfortable. I feel very strongly about this, it turns out.

[@jujadapp]

I don't think it was an assumption based on someone struggling with an accent but more based on the experiences from earlier AITA posts and also the general "vibe" on the internet. For example I recently commented on a musical, saying that I had trouble understanding most of the songs because the music was way too loud compared to the voices and that it was mostly during the songs with more than one performer (where unfortunately some of them also had quite a strong accent) What I got in response were a lot of comments saying "why did they even cast black actors? Don't we have enough actors who speak our language? What's with all the wokeness?" 😤 (which obviously wasn't what I was trying to get across at all)

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

@@jujadapp I hate the way the internet jumps to worst-case scenarios.

[@laura-sandy1492]

Oh my gosh, I literally could not have said this any better myself, 110% agree with this statement. As a fellow linguist, I am also of the strong opinion that when working in certain professions, it is absolutely essential for you to have a good grasp of the language. Otherwise, the quality of service you provide will be significantly affected. And as so many others have said here, healthcare is just an area where you cannot risk misunderstandings, because this could be detrimental to your health, plus when you consider the added factor of a hearing impairment, which is also at play, OP's actions become even more justifiable. Definitely not the drama here. The only point I would like to straighten out is that I think that when Shaaba said she is waiting for the racist aspect to come in, she was referring to the title of the post and not communicating an expectation of outright racism. But I do still agree that the fact that she later did link not understanding an accent to potential unconscious bias is completely wrong. Also, as a totally blind person, I can fully attest to the fact that disabled people spend a lot of time and effort to access basic aspects of society and it shouldn't be on the OP to go through such lengths just to access a Doctor's appointment, that she also has to pay for btw. Thus, the change of Doctor was more than reasonable.

[@blak4831]

33:18 OP didn't imply they were bad at their job, keep in mind. They just had trouble understanding them which especially for a doctor? you *need* to be able to understand them and vice versa, absolutely non-optional

[@pikameer8325]

Yeah that's what made me the most upset about this reasoning. There was no challenge to the doctor's credentials, no other prejudiced beliefs shining through, just an "I cannot understand this doctor because I am disabled so I switched" and, imo, there should be no judgement over that. My mother is completely deaf, and while she can lip read extraordinarily well and has a cochlear implant, she still struggles to hear or understand everyone, especially people with thick accents. She doesn't mind if it's an average person, but you have to understand somebody if they're your doctor and any complications to an already short appointment that is not an frequent and regular occurrence can be a major issue.

[@animeartist888]

I've had a doctor before whose accent was so thick that I legit could not understand half the words she was saying. Unfortunately for me, the tests she was running were for a chronic health issue. So now, 16 YEARS after that appointment, I'm still on that same medicine, but every time a doctor asks me what it's for, I have to just give my best guess as to what it was based solely on the medication itself and the symptoms it controls. Being able to understand any professional is important but a doctor is exceedingly important. I don't actually know what to put on my health history when I get a new doctor now, and that's not good!

[@WonderfulAkari]

Yes it is ableist. Being disabled is hard enough and we already have to jump through hoops. We shouldn't have to study to obtain healthcare.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

Agreed.

[@kagehira-mika]

completely agree! shaaba talked about specifically racist/race unconscious bias but didn't realize her own unconscious bias and ableism against disabled people. we shouldn't be expected to constantly bend over backwards for other peoples sake and our detriment, and while i do think being kind to one another is very important, your doctor isn't your friend, you are their patient and being a doctor is their job (and OP didn't disrespect the doctor, they said he was great). OP said around half the appointment they were asking the doctor to repeat himself, why would they continue inconveniencing both themselves and the doctor for a less productive appointment? it's not unkind to switch doctors if you're disabled and need accommodations, or if that doctor just didn't work out. not to mention the potential dangers of misunderstanding your doctor! i have tinnitus, though not to the degree to be considered HOH, i also have auditory processing issues, chronic migraines and more, so understanding people with accents very different than mine can be very difficult and stressful, i wouldn't want to not be able to understand my doctor... i hope shaaba addresses this in another video since these videos are all about expanding our mindsets and growing. i love your videos shaaba if you happen to see this but please listen to disabled people about this (sorry for the massive comment i've got lots of feelings about this -_-")

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

@@someonewithazeldaprofilephoto It is when you're telling somebody hard of hearing that they should simply try harder to hear and calling them racist if they choose to just take an easier route. With healthcare professionals, it is vital to have one you understand and race doesn't make any difference. It'd be the same if it were some mumbly old white guy.

[@raydean897]

​@@someonewithazeldaprofilephoto this is a chronically online take

[@ThumppDumpp]

as someone with a hearing disability, I have to disagree.

[@jujadapp]

Last story: As someone who has tinnitus, is slightly hard of hearing and also has social anxiety, asking people to repeat themselves more than once is an absolute nightmare and I would feel especially uneasy if I felt like I missed important medical information. However, if I really liked the doctor I would've tried asking staff members if they could assist for some appointments to see if I could get used to the accent.

[@dragonfliesnh4204]

I'm hard of hearing, moderate to severe, and can't understand people with thick accents. This includes those with strong southern accents in the US, British and Australian accents. There was a doctor at the practice I went to who was middle eastern and was one of the best doctors there, but I couldn't understand him most of the time. Once when scheduling an appointment, the receptionist tried setting it up with this doctor. I told the receptionist that I was HOH and asked her if I could switch to another doctor or have a nurse with me because I can't understand him. The receptionist said I was racist, but scheduled me with someone else. This really upset me especially since my own family is very mixed race. Even though I was an adult, 18 or 19 years old, my parents went in with me at the appointment and reported her to the doctor or someone else. She ended up sending an apology letter. Eventually she quit. I don't know the reason but I'm guess it's because she was usually rude to people in general, so it wasn't just me.

[@gilesluver]

4 NTD. Having tinitus or being hard of hearing makes it that much worse. She never said he was a bad doctor. She also asked him to repeat multiple times.

[@TimothyHartwig]

The Doc Story: NTD If you are having trouble with communication, changing a doctor no matter what. Tell the friend to buck off.

[@ambriasaunders1869]

On the accent story, you NEED to be able to understand your doctor. Depending on the problem, it could be life or death. I have an auditory processing disorder and tinnitus. Sometimes, communication is difficult, although, in MY case, I can also misunderstand family members I talk to nearly every day! 😅

[@Castkett4ever]

Doc story: I think I disagree with you on that one. Putting the blame ("there are other things you could have done") one the patient who has tinnitus that makes them HOH is not helpful. We don't know if they have access to someone who can be there, or if they know BSL. It's kind of like saying that the biggest homophobes are the closeted ones: t puts the blame back onto the disabled community that they should do more to make the world accessible, instead of the world adapting to be inclusive. Now, I am not asking the doctor to change accents, but switching doctors seems reasonable to me

[@Unchained_Alice]

I can however understand where her view came from. But yes, it is unfair to put it on disabled people when we face so many obstacles. It's hard to say if it was dealt with correctly with not knowing everything that was said. But for example. we shouldnt be forced to have someone with us on a private appointment when there are ways to allow us access.

[@phoenixyfriend]

With the doctor thing, I think the cause for general NTA rather than NAH on the forum is because people are contrasting OP against the cousin, not the doctor, and the cousin WAS a bit of drama compared to OP. Rather than saying "hey, that makes sense, but you could just ask for me, as a nurse that you know there, to step in and help with the hearing issue instead of switching providers" the cousin went right for insults and moral judgements. I would also say that the American bit isn't JUST the ability to choose your doctor; it's also a sunk cost thing. If OP misunderstands something due to the overlap of disability and accent, then coming back could cost a LOT of money that insurance will fight tooth and nail to not cover. If OP doesn't have good insurance, and is also less than wealthy, an otherwise unnecessary followup could be really bad for, say, the grocery budget

[@acegassman3228]

Agreed. And while it is potentially possible that she could have her cousin come in and interpret as the RN, I would be really surprised if that could actually be guaranteed. (RNsh has lots of responsibilities, typically you see the RN first for things like blood pressure/ measurements, etc and then the doctor comes in.) I rarely see them at the same time. The cost factor is also definitely a concern.

[@phoenixyfriend]

@@acegassman3228 Oh, whoops, I didn't realize she was an RN. I was watching as background while I work, and I just heard 'nurse' and assumed LPN or CNA for some reason.

[@Gafafsg]

• Admits that other people think daughter is 12 even when “dressing her age” • Lies to her face about it • “Exclaims” at daughter until she cries • Says things like “aren’t you embarrassed about dressing that way?” “I’m just trying to guide her correctly” 🙄

[@RM-hi4vv]

Yeah that was just complete “keeping up appearances,” “this is my dress up dolly that needs to advance the style and social points that *I* want to win with her as my prop” vibes. Super gross. Nasty dynamic. Maybe the daughter is a late developer or neurodivergent. Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she doesn’t like feeling “adult attention” and tries to deflect being sexualized. Maybe she just freaking likes being her own person with her own style and is tired of being Mommy’s Little Project in Social Conformity. I hope she is able to go to college or change her living situation so she can find some real support from people who aren’t “subtly” giving her a complete complex about how she looks and is seen in the world. Sending OP’s daughter all the best vibes possible, from one crappy dresser with no style to another.

[@danielsykes7558]

Oof, I just read this before I got that far & now I'm NERVOUS

[@Shoulderpads-mcgee]

Also OP never gives examples of what daughter is wearing. “Dressing your age” can be extremely subjective and it’s possible a lot of us might not even think the daughter’s clothes are young

[@RachelKay528]

This one absolutely blew my mind. I definitely feel like most parents would be complaining that their daughter is dressing to old for their age, not too young. That is wild to me that she'd complain about that. I tried to find the Reddit post and can't. She probably got so much shit for it and deleted it 🤣 I'd say I hope she had a realization that she was wrong, but I doubt she did. She probably just wanted to stop the comments lol

[@s.a.4358]

@@Shoulderpads-mcgeethis so much. I kept trying to picture what the daughter might be wearing that a 12 year old might wear but would be so inappropriate for a 17 year old to wear. Unless she is wearing things that are very “little girl clothes” I don’t really see it as a lot of kids just wear jeans, shorts, T-shirt, etc whether they are 12 or 17.

[@Julie-kq7pm]

She can't hear the doctor and and she spent the appointment (50%) asking to repeat... He is a DOCTOR! He should have known, not at just her first visit but second. No matter where you go in the world, and initial visit with a doctor includes lots of paperwork and a review of your history. He would have been told she had tinnitus and he should have read it. And by her asking multiple times to repeat, he seemingly did nothing to change anything about the issue. Sorry to be fired up about this but I am an occupational therapist and I work with older people. It is my responsibility to communicate effectively with each and every one of my patients, not theirs. A doctor has the same responsibility. Shabba, a little bit of drama on you for putting that responsibility on the patient.

[@vocalsunleashed]

I didn't agree with her to begin with, but this gives me a whole new perspective which further strengthens my opinion. I never thought of the doctor's responsibility in this case to make the appointment more accessible to OP. Thank you.

[@disasterjay2007]

I think this is the only time I've ever disagreed with Shabba. I'm not HOH, so obviously I can't relate to the situation as clearly. But this isn't a casual chat with family or ordering food from a server. This is your HEALTH, and misunderstandings can be deadly. Not to mention how difficult it is for some people to go to the DR in the first place (whether for cost issues, availability, or mental blocks). Knowing that the appointment may not be helpful because you can't clearly understand the Dr adds an extra level of stress and makes a lot of people less likely to go at all.

[@trishbarsby2516]

100%this. I have vision issues so different but an "invisible diability" I get a lot will forget about it if the person adapts well but as a doctor I would hope he would try to keep it in mind. Going to add it depends on the when the hearing problem started. If it is a fairly new thing it can be hard to ask for help. People have preconcieved notions about people with disabilities. A few years ago there was a meme with a woman holding a white cane and using a cell phone. People were quick to laugh and point out a "blind person " shouldn't be using a phone (it is actually a really handy tool) This kind of thing makes people want to hide their disability if possible . Iy becomes second nature to try and adapt first before asking for help. Yes I see switching doctors a way to adapt.

[@kaylynkalupar]

Thanks for this ❤

[@heyna1185]

I agree that the patient here is not at fault but I also feel like you‘re being a bit harsh on the doctor. You‘re assuming he did nothing to improve the communication but you don‘t know that. People can‘t simply turn off their accents. They can speak slower, louder, try to enunciate more clearly but even if he did all those things, it might not have been enough. I don‘t think it‘s fair to assume he didn‘t do his best.

[@sparky_universe]

Another consideration from the American healthcare perspective is that a patient often has very little time face to face with the doctor, so might feel that with the additional time needed to communicate there is not enough time to fully address concerns before the doctor moves on to their next patient. And with the awful fee-for-service model, a longer appointment would usually be billed for a higher rate, such as an additional 20 minute conversation causing an up-charge from a level 2 office visit to level 4, which could more than triple the bill. The financial consideration almost certainly makes a difference in how US residents evaluate the situation.

[@vocalsunleashed]

Here in the Netherlands health insurance is mandatory but it always covers GP office appointments without you needing to cover your deductable first. But appointments are only 10 mins, which is hardly enough for a physical exam (including any clothes that need to be taken off and put back on after etc) if one is needed, let alone asking the doctor to repeat himself a lot. I would definitely switch doctors if I had this problem, though I don't have a main doctor to begin with at this doctor's office

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

Yes. This! Idk about other countries but typical Dr apt for me is arrives at Dr office at least 10 minutes early (to make sure I have time to fill out any new paperwork (even though my insurance and medical history hasn't changed in years 🙄)) Wait anywhere from 10-30 minutes past my actual scheduled appointment time to be brought back to the exam room Spend maybe 5 minutes with the attending nurse going over the preliminary stuff Wait another 10-20 minutes in the empty exam room (thank goodness for cellphones otherwise I'd have to read their boring magazines) Finally see the Dr. For all of 5 minutes feel rushed and brushed aside Check out/pay and schedule any follow ups. And multiply that experience by however many offspring you're in charge of and dentist/optometrist appointments and just.. it's ridiculous. I am DREADING getting older.

[@liz-tastic.]

Came here to say a similar thing. There’s so much pressure to be as quick as possible so having clear communication is so so important

[@Moka_Peach]

I'm someone who struggles to hear what my own mum and partner say. I have auditory processing issues, and oftentimes I only hear partial sentences, which I have to fill in the gaps for (and I'm not very good at it). I'm also someone who's had many friends across Europe, North America and some of the Middle East - I've heard a lot of accents. I will ask someone 7+ times to repeat themselves, but it gets to a point where it's extremely upsetting because I can't hear or understand properly. When I'm at the doctors (which I often am, yay chronic illness), I absolutely need to understand people as easily as possible because being at the doctors is upsetting and uncomfortable for me. I would switch doctor's if I cannot understand them, but this would be an incredibly rare thing. I've seen doctors from many backgrounds, races, and accents, and thankfully I've never had an issue understanding doctors' accents. Healthcare needs to be accessible and as easy as possible for people, and communication is part of that, not all doctors will have other methods of communication or if they do it's not advertised.

[@HighLordBaron]

God, this one so much. APD sucks so much. I hate having to ask people like 7 times because I don't understand them. Usually I just pretend I did ngk

[@RM-hi4vv]

Yeah; APD is a big issue. And so pervasive that I have some shame issues about it which really spirals my anxiety more. I’m late-diagnosed (in my 40s) ADHD with AP issues, and I’ve spent my whole life working around it as much as possible, but if you add that shame and rejection sensitivity to my already really hard time making myself make and keep an appointment… the barrier to entry is too dang high. Ironically, I’m a healthcare provider myself (well, veterinarian), and a good chunk of my job is figuring out how to get past communication challenges or other barriers to care with my clients. It’s not their job to try harder as much as it is mine to meet them where they are. Adjusting vocabulary, writing things down, using a translator program or learning words in another language or speaking with a family interpreter, finding ways to label or mark medications for sight or hearing impaired clients… It’s *my* job, not theirs.

[@shirleymarie2288]

I'd never heard of APD and never been diagnosed but I 100% think I have it. I have a hard time processing what people say to me, especially if there is anything else going on at the same time. I'll fill in the gaps or ask them to repeat, occasionally I pretend I understand because I'm embaressed, or I'll realize what they were saying (often using context clues) an extra few seconds after the've finished speaking. I always thought it was related to my ADHD. Guess that will be added to my list of things to ask my doctor about. I swear she's gonna think I'm just making up symptoms at this point.

[@blackk_rose_]

About the last one: This is a HOH person who went to the doctor. It's VERY important to understand what is going on with your health. I think it IS a bit ableist to expect OP to work harder to understand the doctor. And I especially dislike the argument that there will always be situations where she could have to interact with people with heavy accents. Because that's the thing: she likely has to deal with situations like this all the time and the examples you've given (partner's family member, police officer, person bringing the mail) are situations that would be out of OP's control. I think it's a bit unfair to speak about unconscious bias and keep talking about how easy it was for you and Jamie to overcome understanding with accents when you're not HOH. We also don't know what resources OP has. Perhaps she would need to pay for assistance herself or she only wants to ask the people she's comfortable asking to help her for free if there's no other option. Hell, maybe she doesn't have anyone she can ask. If her resources are limited, she needs to safe them for situations where she doesn't have any other choice. Maybe she's just tired of constantly having to work twice as hard to understand people and saw an easy way out this time and took it. And honestly, to me it sounded like she would've reacted exactly the same way if the doctor had mumbled or spoken very silently. I agree with you that as a society we need to work to improve communication for HOH and deaf people to understand. Or generally improve communication for everyone to more easily understand each other. But we aren't there yet, so we shouldn't expect disabled people to carry the burden of having to do extra work. Of course you shouldn't give up easily all the time, but I can imagine that doctor's visit was very taxing for OP and it IS uncomfortable having to ask over and over because you didn't understand something. I also think as her doctor he must've known about her tinnitus and if you add to that her constantly asking for him to repeat himself, I do wonder why he didn't ask her if he could make it easier for her to understand him better. I think a good doctor should be able to pick up on that and do what they can to make themselves understood by their patient.

[@kitkat2212]

this. said very well.

[@kacee_is_bored]

I feel like the dr one is no aholes here. You can change drs for any reason and not being able to easily understand them is a huge problem! I don't think there is anything wrong with switching from a dr you cant understand them.

[@s.a.4358]

I agree that one should feel free to change doctors for whatever reason if they are not a good fit - which also doesn’t mean the doctor necessarily did something wrong, sometimes we just don’t gel with someone and it’s nobody’s fault - because going to the doctor is often already a situation where one doesn’t feel super as it is. However I found Shaaba’s point of view really interesting and I do agree that it might be better to try to solve the comprehension issue if the doctor is otherwise good. OP sounds like they appreciated the doctor otherwise. But I also think it is fair if OP doesn’t feel like they want to do that, especially as they have a hearing disability already and it might just be a lot for them.

[@bellama920]

I have adhd and I have had to swap doctors because I had a hard time understanding what they were trying to explain to me simply because of their communication style. (Not accent related, moreso sentence structure.) If I have to ask you to repeat what you said multiple times, then that means we aren't communicating well. The doctors office is such a vitally important place to be able to understand and communicate, and you don't see them very often, so I think its one of the times where this is totally excusable. (There are documented cases of patients dying due to nurses or pharmacists not being able to read a doctor's handwriting.) I understand the cousin and Shaaba being wary because people do get discriminated against for accents. And if this were in a field where miscommunication wouldn't have as dire consequences, I would swap sides. A local seamstress or waitress or engineer or customer service agent can be struggled through and misunderstood with less dire consequences than a doctor could. Then I think Shaaba and OP's cousin's points are very valid. It's not that hard to learn to pick up an accent or better learn to understand it. And biases, unconscious or not, do lead to discrimination and immigrants struggling to gain a foothold in their new home. But also, OP has a hearing disability. If the doctor cannot accommodate OP, they have the right to switch doctor's to someone who can.

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

​@@s.a.4358I agree in most situations. OP said they had to ask them to repeat more than half the time he spoke. The only time I almost switched doctors was when one made me feel very shamed for the pain medication I was on. She was pretty young so I didn't do it immediately, but tried to work with her. Then she went on maternity leave for her first baby and returned after several months with a totally different approach to how she spoke about my pain. I wonder why? 😂 I was glad I worked with her and now we have worked well for years. Most things can be worked through. In this case I think the patient's needs and discomfort overrule the doctor's need to be given a chance to fix it though. It is a rare circumstance, because every person who is HOH will have their own unique difficulties, and many would be ok with him. It doesn't mean she can be.

[@s.a.4358]

@@trinitybernhardt9944 yes I definitely agree that OP’s needs as a patient supersede in that case. I actually think it is good that switching doctors is an option. I have lived in the UK, where there is little to no choice, and I have had two not great experiences to the point that I avoided going to the doctor - but thankfully also one doctor that was really great. I am grateful I now live in a country (Belgium) where one can freely choose.

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

@@s.a.4358 the options are one of the few benefits to America's tragically messed up medical situation. I have had doctors try to hospitalize me for mental health issues because they didn't believe in my very real physical symptoms, some doctors who despite their best efforts just struggled to help me with the symptoms, and some who just didn't make me feel comfortable. Fortunately now I am with a great team, all in the same network, and it is great. It took 25 years to get to this place though. I am glad that you feel you have the support you need, and the option to change doctors if that changes. Sometimes when we are in a situation we know we can't change we force ourselves to accept it to the point we ignore there are other ways. It is a defense mechanism. So you make the situation work. If you are so used to ignoring the discomfort in your situation it can cause you to look at someone pushing back as entitled, or at least a bit whiny, because if you try hard enough you can almost make anything work. That doesn't make it right, or even effective though. I hope this made sense. I haven't gotten much sleep. 😆 Just thinking that might happen to a lot of people in places where you have to stick with who you get. It isn't judgment on them. It's a survival instinct.

[@bradiedean7466]

Wait... Story 1 OP's husband's sister and cousin have tried to set him up with other women in multiple occasions, and he still argues that they don't hate his wife AND doesn't stand up for her 👀😭😨

[@zoekrishel6677]

I wasnt sure if OP was saying they have tried to set him up with women SINCE they have been married or before?? Because if it’s after they got married, then they absolutely hate her. They should be called out on it and BOTH the husband and OP should have as little contact with them as possible!

[@cary9479]

​@@zoekrishel6677Even if it was before they were married it wasn't any better, the relationship doesn't magicly get more valid,only because they are married.

[@zoekrishel6677]

@@cary9479 - you are right, i should have said before they were together

[@lordknightalex]

if my parents called me *pathetic* i would probably have a meltdown????? thats no way to speak to your own child what the hell

[@alexanderthesixth]

Fr.

[@acegassman3228]

I am autistic and also have auditory processing issues. Trying to understand medical information is already really challenging and a heavy accent on top of the processing issues I already have is too much. Shaaba keeps saying you'll just learn to understand it, but that's not necessarily true. Just like unconscious bias racially, the same is true with ableism. Her changing doctors doesn't mean she is stopping him from practicing medicine. I recognize that there definitely is unconscious bias and racism if it's just that you aren't willing to try a little harder, but it's not the same when you have a disability that affects communication. When I'm not in burnout and chronic fatigue I do make the effort. I used to work in the medical field before I had to go on medical leave and many doctors have accents. Right now, however, I would change doctors because even understanding the medical piece with no accent is hard. And imo I do think putting all the onus on the person with a disability to "do more work" is ableist.

[@dazerla]

Exactly, I also have adio proccing issues. I can get used to thick accents but before I do it makes much harder to understand people and if it's a loud office that can be hell. And it takes me longer to adjust than most people. And we don't know the OP will ever adjust. We can't and shouldn't assume OP's abilities particularly when it comes to understanding medical information. And conflicting needs like this happen sometimes the right of immigrants to practice conflicting with the needs of a disabled patient.

[@dancerchronicles]

100% this I have tinnitus and I think I do have auditory processing disorder I have a very hard time hearing quiet voices and always feel bad having to ask people to repeat things; like I even have to ask my family to repeat things sometimes; but I think the next time I'm in that situation I might just bring up that I have a hard time sometimes hearing

I feel you shouldn't have to feel unsure about understanding your doctor. You need to feel secure in that dynamic, and you won't if you're constantly on edge wondering if you're understandning what the doctor is saying and constantly have to ask the doctor to repeat what they're saying. Incredibly stressful.

[@MeltedBrains89]

For the doctor post, there's a chance that the specific accent may result in a higher pitched than what OP can easily pick up. I've found that I tend to speak in a higher pitch in English (2nd language) than I do in my native language. Also, for anxious people sometimes is easier to simply switch than to ask for accomodations. I don't see anything wrong with switching because the experience was difficult for any reason

[@mariannecotte6141]

I speak in a higher pitch in English rather than my native language too! I've always wondered why and am glad to know I'm not the only one!

[@dragonfliesnh4204]

As a hard of hearing person, I don't do well with people who have higher pitched voices. I do much better with men's voices. Of course it depends on the type of hearing loss someone has. Unfortunately, I can't understand people with thick accents, regardless of where they are from. This includes can include those who speaks English such southern accents in the US, British and Australian. Yes, it is easier to ask to switch doctors, especially since I can't use a sign language interpreter as I'm not deaf.

[@soundlessbee]

The mum in third story seems like the type of person, who asks internet advice expecting them to verify their bizarre actions and then just getting mad when people tell them they are being stupid and then do it anyways.

[@s.a.4358]

I don’t even fully understand how the daughter can be dressing that is so wrong. Is she wearing little girl dresses with those diaper shorts under? The OP mom says she dresses like she is 12, which makes me think of jeans, shorts, T-shirts, sundresses, that sort of thing, which is not that different from what a 17 years old might wear, only maybe with cartoon characters on them? But then again adults like comic books too, adults can like Disney….

[@soundlessbee]

@@s.a.4358 i know, right. I think I dressed pretty much the same all through my teen-years and I still use some of those clothes in my thirties. I think teenagers have for a long time dressed in variety of styles and there isn't any specific way to dress according to age. Maybe I'd understand suggesting that the daughter tried some different style, if she was bullied for looking different, but the only bully here seems to be her mother.

[@FlareHeart]

I have mild tinnitus and I find certain people with particular tones of voice or accents MUCH more difficult to understand. Because the tinnitus effectively drowns out certain frequencies, it can make certain things very hard to hear properly. This is not a knock on anyone's race or accent at all, even people who don't really have an accent at all (to me) can be hard for me to understand if their tone of voice happens to land in that zone that my tinnitus interferes with. This isn't something that can be worked around by being louder or slower since it's literally the sounds interfering with each other. Honestly, it doesn't matter who the other person is, they could look like my twin, with no accent, but if I can't understand their tone of voice because of my tinnitus, then it's not a great fit and I would be looking for a different Doctor too. Being able to communicate effectively is extremely important in a medical situation, and having to focus so hard on understanding the Doctor can mean you forget to ask certain things, or mention specific things. It's far better to be able to focus on getting the care you need rather than worrying about making sure you are interpreting the Doctor correctly. Even the slightest misunderstanding as far as medications go can be extremely problematic! Doses, timings, etc. All need to be understood PERFECTLY. This isn't a case of being able to get "close enough" with context. You must be CERTAIN.

[@sava-smth]

That mom tho.... 💀💀💀 Teenage girls just can't win can they 🫡

[@Imjustkendall]

Parents when girls dress skimpy: 😡😱🤬😡 Parents when girls dress modest: 😡😱🤬😡

[@Rose_Haw]

Why can't you change your doctor if understanding them is difficult? "If everyone did it they wouldn't have any clients" If everyone were engineers there wouldn't be any doctors , but there's nothing wrong with being an engineer.. I hope i don't sound rude, I'm tired and quite literally do not see the drama in changing healthcare providers

[@lauraelliott6909]

Also, some people don't have as much trouble understanding heavy accents. I'm one of those. I am pretty good at subconsciously "translating" their words into the pronunciation I'm used to. I've even been known to translate someone's accent to others that don't understand it. Therefore, I had a doctor with a heavy accent, I wouldn't switch unless there was some other issue with their care.

[@SplotPublishing]

That one did kind of make me laugh. Where does she live that doctors come up short on patients? There are waiting lists that are months long. They won't miss you. Really. If you need to change your doctor to find a better fit, it's fine. They really don't care.

[@thenobin]

I have difficulty understanding a LOT of what people say, regardless of accent, and have to ask people to repeat things all the time. There are many times I just pretend I understood after 2-3 times asking them to repeat themselves because I feel like my brain just isn't getting it at that point. It gets to the point where I feel incredibly guilty sometimes because I feel like I am burdening the other person for my lack of ability. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to communicating with people so that definitely compounds the issue, but with the given information, I can really sympathize with someone wanting to see a different doctor.

[@Just4Fun1276]

I feel so sorry for this kid, this type of parental behavior makes my blood boil, I really get her child because I'm 28 and I still look like 12, so I also don't dress like my age, the mother's views are just ridiculous.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

I'm so glad the kid is 17, so can hopefully get out before too long. I wouldn't be surprised if the kid goes little to no contact.

[@kayleeisaacs9579]

My parents constantly tell me that I dress too modestly, should show more skin, etc. because they want me to look more feminine. I’m 22 and they are always telling me that I’m so weird for not showing more skin. It’s so odd to me

[@dragongirl7978]

My partner got that too growing up and felt incredibly awkward about it. Meanwhile I got opposite messaging about how important it was not to lead our "brothers" into sin by the way we dressed. Opposite but also coming from the same mindset of female bodies always being sexualized. It's so gross.

[@caleighisnothere8884]

I feel like a patient should always be able to change providers for any reason but especially if you dont feel like you can communicate well with your povider. I guess where I'm a little confused is how a person changing doctors because of not being able to undeerstand their accent, means that the patient beleives that doctor is any less competent or capable.

[@leobeboop4944]

The last story- I have a doctor that has a thick accent and I do not slowly get used to it. I find it very hard to understand my doctor sometimes and have to ask him to repeat himself (possibly auditory processing issues) but he's lovely and I hate change so I wouldn't change doctors for the world LOL HOWEVER I feel like in a medical setting it is very important to understand your doctor. I can very much understand why op wanted to change doctors.

[@lindsayosterhoff2459]

As far as the doctor... I have similar issues to OP. In nearly every situation in life I try to get used to the accent but I think it's different where medical care is involved. Mishearing something could lead to dangerous issues. It seems more risky when healthcare is involved. I think trying the doctor a couple of times but switching upon realizing it was going to be too hard to understand him was the right thing to do. I should add, I have had doctors of all kinds of races and some have had accents. I have zero problem with that but I would switch doctors if I had difficulty understanding their speech though. I have a lot of fairly serious health problems and risking mishearing what a doctor is saying is not something I feel safe doing. It's not a judgment of the doctor's skill. It's about the fact that a misunderstanding could be detrimental to my health. I'd hate to have to switch but if I don't have the skill set to understand what's being said I need to go to someone I can understand.

[@isauraschillemans9573]

I personally don't have any hearing issues but I has a teacher in high school that did have tinnitus and he said that the voices of (often times mumbling) male students were very hard to distinguish from his tinnitus because they fell in the same range. It did happen multiple times he seemingly "ignored" someone giving a correct answer or asking a question if they hadn't raised their hand first or when he wasn't looking directly at them because of this.

[@carly6107]

I think it helps to think of the last one in a reversed scenario. I’m thinking specifically about my former coworker. She was in her 50s and had a heavy Chinese accent-it took me a solid two months of talking to her every day, but we did eventually get to the point of easy communication. She also had a lot of health anxiety, and went to the doctors a lot. She would come back and sometimes ask me to clarify what her doctors meant by certain things, because she had so much trouble understanding certain kinds of American accents. I would absolutely want her to switch doctors if she was able to find a doctor who spoke mandarin-the communication barrier, even when we’re actively doing our best, is a huge problem in an area as important as healthcare, and I wouldn’t think she was being racist or biased against American doctors if she did so. And, the flip side of that is that the doctor in this story could have theoretically been that doctor for my coworker. It’s possible, even likely, that the doctor’s accent makes it much easier for him to communicate with a different subset of patients. So, no drama for switching doctors. There are times to make efforts to communicate (I’m very glad my coworker and I stuck it out and learned to understand each other!) and times to find someone you can communicate easily with.

[@mossy_rocks08]

Coming at the second one as an autistic person it annoyed me so badly when people don’t tell you and expect you to know I causes so many arguments and people getting mad at you without you understanding why

[@CatHanAnd]

For the last one: my dad have tinnitus and I think one of the issues left out is that it is so frustrating to be the one that can't hear proper and one can end up feeling like a bother as one have to ask so many times for things to be repeated. it is not an issue of just an accent they have trouble with, it is also a lot of sound one is trying to hear over and it gets very tiering. Tinnitus is not just the loss of hearing but constant sound in your ear/ears that you are trying to hear things over. One can end up not wanting to talk or stop double checking if one have heard correctly and in a medical setting that is a big no. OP said they asked them to repeat things multiple times and the doctor not then realising they are struggling and either asking how he can talk different so it is easier or getting someone to help out (my grandmother worked as an front desk worker way back in the day in a small clinic and when they got a danish doc in that people could not understand she was asked to come in and help translate) is weird of the doctor. of course I'm then assuming they know OP has tinnitus so they know hearing is an issue. Like you want patients to understand you and be sure they know the MEDICAL information they need to know right? In any other setting this is not an issue as the stake of mishearing a friend or co-worker usually aren't that bad. Mishearing a doctor can be very bad.

[@frozenBird925]

I have tinnitus and I agree very much with this comment! There is constant ringing we have to hear over, on top of the hearing loss, and it isn't always as simple as asking someone to repeat themself and then we magically understand them. I would say that I wouldn't expect a doctor to ask how they can speak differently, as often there's not much they can do to suddenly reduce their accent, and having a second person there could make it harder for some people (like me) to understand. However, it is still extremely important that OP understand all the medical information they're receiving.

[@CatHanAnd]

@@frozenBird925 With speak differently I meant more taking into account voice pitch and loudness/to speak slower rather than the accent itself. an accent of course is not a thing to change, but there is a lot of things i do when speaking to my dad that isn't accent related. Like I know he can't hear high pitched and a lot of low pitches also disappear so I try to change that when he ask me to repeat stuff. I also have to be sure not to mumble which I have a tendency to do, which of course don't help, tho got I from him so he got himself to blame for that one! 😂

[@seareeder7839]

I think an additional piece of context that's being overlooked in the last one is the setting of the doctor's office. A doctor's office is a space where you already might be using medical terminology you're not familiar with, making sure you're understanding the information correctly can be genuinely life or death critical depending on what your medical issue is, and you're already likely to be stressed out if you're feeling unwell/ discussing a surgery/ etc. These things can impact communication so much that even people without hearing issues often bring loved ones along as patient advocates to ask questions and make sure information is being received properly. If op doesn't have anyone to bring along with them as a medical advocate then I think it's absolutely reasonable to prioritize having a doctor they can communicate with more easily. It's not a setting where misunderstands can always just be chalked up to a whoopsy, you know?

[@Keebles8]

For the last story, even if the person didn’t have HOH, I personally think that it’s ok to change doctors for any reason. They made it clear that they were changing because of their tinnitus, so I think they would probably have changed doctors if the doctor’s voice didn’t have an accent, but was higher or lower than OP’s hearing range. Personally, I am very uncomfortable with having a male gynecologist. I understand that there are wonderful male gynecologists out there, and I’ve never had a bad experience with one, but I just really prefer to have a woman. I would not be able to properly provide the information that I need to about my sexual health and the physical health of my intimate areas with a male doctor. It’s extremely important that you can communicate effectively and are comfortable with your doctor, because it’s your health that’s at stake. Also, in a world where we are constantly seeing people struggling with certain doctors not believing them about a variety of issues, I think it’s good to normalize choosing a doctor based on preference. Otherwise, it becomes harder for people to set new appointments with doctors who might be more willing to determine the correct diagnosis for those patients.

[@zeezee451]

Personally, as a poc (I’m Asian) I also struggle with accents! I do not think op was racially motivated at all and it is a good thing she changed doctors bc when it comes to your health you should never take chances. I do however think a slight “you are the drama” goes to the friend bc she’s being ridiculous pointing fingers at the op like that

[@soundlessbee]

But she hadn't made breakfast every morning. She said dinner 9 days and 3-4 breakfasts during those days, so the husband shouldn't expect it. The husband seems childish and should be pulling his weight, because he is presumably a grown-up. How much do we hear about nagging women, when they ask men to participate?

[@marieseaman7855]

Husband sounds like a proper asshole who expects his wife to do everything inside the house and for him

[@emilymoran9152]

Totally agree...but it doesn't seem like there had been a request for him to participate! His bipolar comment was out of line, definitely! But I don't see why this turned into an argument over "sneaking out to get Starbucks" when it seems like there should have been a more than 30 second conversation (preferably earlier in the week, but now is fine if that's when OP realized she was feeling resentful) about whether everyone was on board with the "save money by cooking at home" plan, and how that plan should be implemented so that she doesn't have to do all the work for it.

[@Amanda-0987]

I’ve written a full reply to this post about this but I think this plays into what I said perfectly as well. TL;DR was AFAB people are socialised to anticipate the needs of others and AMAB people are often socialised to expect their needs met. So the ‘nagging wife’ stereotype plays into this, as AFAB people expressing their needs and asking for them to be met can be interpreted as ‘nagging’ because of our socialisation, right? Socialisation doesn’t excuse the lack of communication (both expressing needs and graciously receiving the feedback) but it does explain why this communication can be difficult, everyone in the conversation can be having a different conversation based on their own societal conditioning.

[@jams1113]

@@emilymoran9152 to me it actually came across as she didn't mind him not participating until she realised there was that expectation (hence no communicating it prior)! the assumption of her feeling that way earlier in the week by people just doesn't sit right to me when she said she didn't mind doing it initially? so I think she did kinda convey it as the issue arose and that this is that attempt (could've been conveyed better but I don't think he would've agreed eitherway tbh) not sure if I'm making sense haha

[@rebeccaswihart4291]

It sounds to me like something I'm guilty of too. Stewing over something silently and to myself, without communicating it and giving the other party a chance to make it right. And then blowing up over a joke. It's just bad communication, and it doesn't sound they made the "no takeout" decision together, either. So maybe saw it as "her" thing. She definitely needed to communicate. BUT based on the bipolar comment, he's a dick and maybe communicating never would've worded

[@aurorafraire2528]

The way the mother in the third story thinks is bizarre. Like, your daughter is wearing clothes she is comfortable with and she seems confident about her style choices, so why wouldn't you want her to be both confident and comfortable. Also, I would like to ask her if when she was a teenager, would she have wanted her mother to speak to her about her outfit choices like that, because I'm pretty sure her immediate response would just be to ignore her mother, since that is the way teenagers are.

[@jenniferarmstrong8879]

I work in doctor’s office. Doctors see so many patients in a day. If you want to see a different provider it’s generally no big deal. Like if you’re feeling bad, go give him a positive/nuanced review online. Something along the lines of: Very sweet man, but has a strong accent.

[@erinjohnson7329]

I think this is something you're hearing from several commenters - I've got Autism/ADHD and find sensory processing legitimately rough sometimes. I dont enjoy pubs, I can't participate in certain work activities, I can't hold a conversation when the telly's on (I paused you to write this), and I can find trying to understand certain accents very hard, in a way that makes me potentially very vulnerable. And it is time-pressed, communication-heavy professions where I think this can be a legitimate barrier - GPs and call centres being possibly the upmost cases of these. Certain Scottish, Northern Irish, and Indian accents are tough for me to understand, and I don't have a solution. But I think your (very legitimate) POC spidey-sense is making you feel some kinda way, and you know that "your feeling is real and matters" does not necessarily equal "your feeling is true".

[@flabershlap101]

I couldn't agree less with that last analysis. I am not HoH, but I am disabled - autistic, for one. I have difficulty processing my family's voices on a bad day, and I live with them. I have to put subtitles on for almost any video I watch regardless of the individual's accent or how many times I've heard their voice. And for someone with a disability specifically involving their hearing, language recognition and interpretation is even harder; my dad is HoH and asks us to repeat ourselves all the time. With a disability, there are some things you can't just "get used to," and to say that one could is quite ableist. Especially if OP is located in the US, sees many different drs regularly, and/or is searching for a diagnosis for some chronic issue, they don't have the time or likely the energy to painstakingly cultivate an effective environment for themself for the sake of not seeming potentially racist. Not to mention, disabled folks are told every day - whether directly or indirectly - to create their own accommodations and figure things out themselves. If there’s a simpler solution, like switching drs, then it is 100% worth it and OP is not only NTD but doing the right thing for their health, because being able to understand their medical provider is incredibly important. That's my perspective, anyway. I may be a little fired up on the topic of disabilities and drs given my own experience, though.

[@lilyskreinig6994]

As a doctor myself I see no problem in the patient choosing to leave that doctor. Communication between doctor and patient is already tough sometimes even without a language barrier and so much vital information can be lost. Besides, you should find someone you are comfortable with and feeling self-conscious about not being able to understand them, in my opinion, would take your attention from the more important things like information exchange. The cousin is being outraged for outrage sake

[@Phrancieee]

As someone with terrible tinnitus and some health problems, I think switching doctors is ABSOLUTELY the right answer for OP. It's not a patient's job to give their doctor job opportunities, it's a patient's job to find a doctor they trust , are comfortable with, and can talk frankly to. If a patient prefers to see a doctor who comes from a similar cultural background, their same gender, a queer doctor, any of those are perfectly valid and medical professionals won't be hurt by their patient seeking a doctor who suits their needs, whatever they may be, better. In a perfect world, it wouldn't make a difference. To OP's question I don't think it is racist AT ALL to choose a doctor based on how well you can understand them, though even if it was because of subconscious bias, a doctor is *not* the place to start challenging and unlearning that.

[@blueunicorn256]

My husband is very hard of hearing and he really struggles to understand anyone with a strong accent . It has nothing to do with race, colour or ethnicity only the enormous effort and energy required to try and hear what someone is saying. I make all the necessary phone calls as it is worse by phone but even face to face he finds it hard communicating with someone and gets tired and embarrassed constantly having to ask people to repeat every sentence. Hearing people do not understand the effort it takes to participate in a conversation where you have to try and hear every word spoken. This entails a lot of brain power to fill in the many gaps where words are easily misheard and n misunderstood

[@bradiedean7466]

Story 3: what even makes it "too young"??? Also, what's "normal" for an age is SOO arbitrary. That parent is such a bully. Also, this is my own bias, but I hate the idea that there's someone inherently wrong with liking "childish" things or fashions bc it gets weaponized against autistic people so often

[@nyorumi5221]

For the doctor I don't think this is unconscious bias at all. My partner has an auditory processing disorder and I am from the UK, my mother is Scottish and my father is Korean, his parents speak with heavy accents. Every single person in my family has a different accent. I sound british, my mum scottish, my dad french canadian, my grandparents varying degrees of korean/north american. My partner can not understand my grandfather, who speaks very heavily with an accent. My grandmother has a slightly more americanised accent, but my grandfather sounds very much like an asian accent. It's one thing if it's family, but OP didn't say the man was bad at his job or incapable of doing it. OP just sought out a doctor they could easily communicate with. Most people aren't seeing a doctor every day. Most Americans may not see a doctor more than once a year. All she did was seek out a doctor she could understand. I feel like saying she isn't 'trying' is a bit dismissive. I'm also mute myself, I have selective mutism, I can not speak to most people. I wouldn't expect people to spend extra time in a healthcare environment to get health care from me if I was a practitioner. It isn't about me. It isn't about my needs. I'm not the patient. I wouldn't expect someone who is already in a stressful and anxious situation to have to further accomodate my needs when they can simply get another doctor and I can simply get another patient. I really don't think the OP here is racist, bias, or whatever personally as someone who has seen this from both sides.

[@Mega6470]

For the doctor one, completely disagree. It’s a doctor, it can be already uncomfortable enough without adding the awkwardness of asking him to repeat… I would be mortified and do the same as op tbh if only cuz I would feel that he would think of me I was being a Ahole if I said I didn’t understand him. You wouldn’t condemn someone born in France trying to find a doctor that spoke French when the first immigrated to England right ?

[@Chronicaleenie]

The second one I feel like did OP just decide that they’re not eating out anymore to save money and not communicate it? Was it a “I’m making food at home eating out is too expensive” and the partner was like “well they wanna do it coz they brought it up” so have just gone along with it? I agree with shaaba they needed to communicate for sure… OP explaining the need to make more food at home but also that it’s a team effort not just one person all the time

[@bradiedean7466]

Yeah I agree that the context changes based on whether it's something that OP decided (which is what it sounds like) or a decision they came to together, since I can see why he might not think he should be expected to do the work if he didn't agree to doing it (though I disagree with it). But also, if they did make the decision together then I can see why she'd feel betrayed by him breaking the agreement and buying food unnecessarily

[@nnicsu]

So, he’s unable to feed himself without being asked to and also he’s irresponsible with money. Sounds like a keeper.

[@binglemarie42]

I don't agree with your take on how OP should have dealt with the doctor. Nobody is under any obligation to see any particular doctor. I stayed with doctors who didn't work for me for years because I thought it was my duty to be loyal and support them. I finally figured out that it was okay to leave doctors who weren't a good fit for my needs, and my care has been much better since. I've never left a doctor because of an accent (my ear is good and I can usually understand on the first try), but I have left doctors because the office was inconvenient to get to, because their administrative staff was disrespectful, and other reasons not directly related to the medical care I was receiving. My life is so much better for making those decisions!! Yes, it would be extra thoughtful to try to make the doctor/patient relationship work, but that's not the patient's responsibility. Yes, there might be accommodations OP could get to help them understand, but they may not have ever been offered any. I don't know how disability services work outside the US, but here it's a long, difficult slog to get accommodations. OP might not even be aware that they exist. And yes, maybe OP could learn to understand the doctor's accent eventually. But lots of people just don't have an ear to figure it out in a reasonable length of time, and the tinnitus would only make it harder. Seeing a doctor is already work. I don't think OP is obligated to work harder just to help their doctor out.

[@ThreeRaccoonsInATrenchCoat82]

When I was younger, I also had a doctor with a very heavy (Indian) accent. I already struggle hearing what people say because of my auditory processing disorder due to my neurodevelopmental disorders, and I never actually hear the words people say. To understand literally anyone, I play back the sounds they make in my head to try and pick out the words because I didn't hear any of them the first time around, and I just couldn't do that with this doctor I had. I already suck at social situations anyway, and I felt so rude to ask him to repeat himself after like 3 or 4 times, so I would just sit in silence and hope my mum was having a better time. It would also make me want to avoid going to the doctors altogether because I felt so awful and awkward about it, which was /not/ a good headspace to be in for someone who was struggling with a lot of health things at the time. All this to say I completely empathise with OP in that situation

[@hildisvini_9622]

I play back the sounds too ! Sometimes works

[@user-yr7dp5du5l]

Idk, i struggle with communication and if i had a doctor i couldn't understand I'd switch doctors. I'm anxious and get uncomfortable if i don't understand the other person and at some point just start kinda nodding and hoping it's not important. It's different from going to a baker you struggle to understand or a delivery guy you're struggling to understand, you're already at an uncomfortable, intimate and stressful situation when going to a doctor, it's already hard without also having a disability on top of that *and* accent issues on top of that. It's your healthcare, not a cake, you might miss something incredibly important because of this. I'm sure other patients who don't struggle as much will het this doctor's help, but at some point you have to make sure your needs are taken care of and that you get your treatment. You should always feel comfortable switching doctors, for something as little as "the vibes are off" or something as big as "they did malpractice and I don't want to take a risk", and yes, "i literally cannot understand them to save my life".

[@insomniaclover4095]

i feel like for the doctor story op is totally ok for switching doctors. it can feel so awkward to ask someone to repeat themselves over and over again. there isnt really a getting used to a doctors accent when you see them 6 months in between (vary by location) for a quick visit. them having a disability that is specifically a hearing one along with the accent is just an unfortunate scenario. personally, i think it is more productive for both parties to switch

[@insomniaclover4095]

forgot to mention that i am someone who is hard of hearing

[@wombat4583]

I would say it's more than just awkward, which is also part of it. It's also extremely stressful. So many times I've broken down the moment I'm alone because of how much stress it can induce. Switching to another doctor doesn't even mean there will be no communication problems with whoever is next, just hopefully less.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

I'm curious for more information on the last doctor story. 1. WHERE did this story take place? Because of the privatized healthcare in the US it can be SO. HARD. To 1.find a drs office that takes your insurance 2. Find someone that you have rapport with 3. Find someone with openings/availability 4. That isn't a crazy hour long drive away from you And conversely to your point shaaba, i think I would be MORE likely to switch if i had to see them more often. If it's just a once a year check up and I'm in good health then i don't mind struggling to understand a bit more. But the fact that op had to make more appointments so close together (and she was shopping around for recommendations)makes me think that OP might be at the beginning of a more complex diagnostic journey and that can be a really scary thing to go through, not to mention potentially crucial that they fully understand the medical advice they're getting. So, while it's unfortunate that the doctors accent is a hindrance to her in this situation (especially given how highly recommended he came) i don't think it's wrong for OP to have chosen to go with a different person. If the cashier checking my groceries has an accent and i misunderstand them the stakes are a lot lower than taking the wrong medical advice.

[@FarraigeQ]

As a non verbal white disabled person who has a boyfriend that is from a different country I can say I have a unique perspective on the last story. I can say as a disabled person it can be really expensive to hire an interpreter for medical appointments or your daily life. Also it can be frustrating when people say to always repeat yourself and then someone feels guilty because they don’t understand you. However I also agree that it only takes time and patience to learn how to understand someone from personal experiences with my relationship and most of my friends. However I feel like medical professionals are always in a position to rush people through to see the next patient- especially in North America, so I think it’s an incredibly complicated topic to discuss because it can have so many different aspects to consider before jumping into conclusions about racism.

[@pinkbourne]

Your aita videos are the one good thing about mondays

[@osheridan]

They're on Tuesdays in my timezone, which is lucky because those are the worst days for me lol

[@vocalsunleashed]

About #4, why do you immediately assume it's a racially motivated thing? OP states they have tinnitus, probably much more severe than mine since I mostly notice it when everything's quiet, and it can be very debilitating since they state they have trouble understanding people to begin with. Yes, maybe the accent takes getting used to and it would get better in the future. But you don't see a doctor very often and it will take a long time, all the while every single appointment precious time is wasted on the doctor having to repeat himself. In this case I think switching doctors is a better solution than staying with the same doctor and wasting everybody's time 🤷🏼‍♀️ *edit: I wrote this before you said all the rest 😅 my verdict is NTD though, because OP's cousin overreacted and is the drama in my opinion. Also OP never said anything about questioning the doctor's skills so I don't understand why that is mentioned by you.

[@kesamboette]

I think if the last OP was not hard of hearing and had to ask the doctor to repeat themselves occasionally, changing provider would definitely be a sign of unconcious bias. But seeing as they are hearing imparied, and it's about something as serious as health care, I feel like it's different. Having to ask them to repeat themselves multiple times before they understood, that's taxing enough in a normal setting, but when it's about their health and potentially really serious subjects, I can see it being quite distressing and I'd imagine it would be very hard to build rapport with the doctor that way. Of course they could request aid in "translating", but I can also see how that might feel uncomfortable in a health care setting (as they speak the same language, and in my experience living with someone who is hard of hearing and has tinnitus, they don't know sign language, so it wouldn't really be a translation, just someone repeating it in the same language just without a heavy accent), it might feel like a waste of resources when they could more easily understand another doctor without that aid (like they're not deaf and would need a sign language interpreter no matter which doctor they go to). Also, from my experience, working in veterinary healthcare (so it is private and more like the american system), if there was a client of mine who was uncomfortable (I have experienced this, clients preferring my older male colleague, definitely from a place of bias), and there was an easy solve, i.e. seeing another provider at my clinic, I would not begrudge them that. Obviously then the other person might be right in calling out the bias, and they should work on why that bais is causing them uncomfortably, but my main concern would be for their comfort. For most things, yes, it would be a shitty move, but for health care in particular, it just sits a little differently for me and I think I'd say NTD, as the cousin is potentially a little abilist, knowing of OP's disability, to immediately jumpt to calling OP a racist. I dunno 🤷‍♀️ very difficult

[@cathleenc6943]

I feel like if a person has tinnitus so badly that it can make it difficult to understand people, then switching doctors to someone who is inherently easy to understand because they speak in an accent that OP is used to is not bigoted or even unconscious bias in any way. We need to be comfortable enough with our doctors to be able to communicate some of the most personal things, and we also need to fully understand them without any barriers. If there is a barrier to understanding or communicating with a doctor, the patient should take the quickest and easiest route to fixing that problem, without any backlash from anyone. If the easiest way to fix the problem is to see a different doctor (much easier and also less awkward than asking for someone else to be in the room to help with commincation) I think that is the right choice. Much the same way that people in the US who speak English as their second language will often seek out doctors who speak their native language when they can. I personally have switched doctors just because I was a bit uncomfortable with one, even though he never did anything wrong and was never rude, I just felt that he wasn't really hearing me, and my new doctor gives off the attitude that she really is taking what I say to heart. The relative who gave OP crap about changing doctors is totally the drama, and probaly the doctor with the accent would have agreed that switching doctors was the best idea if she had brought up the problem to him. Doctors generally don't really care if you switch to another practitioner in their practice. It's the patient's choice. Also, some people are inherently better at understanding various accents than others, and the time it might take for OP to learn and get used to this doctor's accent could cause problems with being compliant with their health care. What if they misunderstood instructions on how to take a particular medication, or declined a treatment because they didn't fully understand what the doctor was saying about it. I don't think it's safe or healthy to try an find workarounds to understand this doctor when there are others available right in the same office. And the point that "if everyone did this, that doctor would have no patients" is a slippery slope falacy argument that discounts the fact that the patient's tinnitus is playing a role in the inability to understand, and very few people have it that badly. That doctor will still have plenty of patients, as likely most people can understand him with little to no trouble.

[@elisabethgorkink2804]

As an autistic white person, with audio processing difficulties, not being able to understand my doctor sounds terrifying. Nobody is dying if I misunderstand my professor or colleague.

[@SailorSaturn1994]

story 2: honestly they both sound exhausting by this sample, glad they're inflicting that on each other and not innocent bystanders.

[@alex_blue5802]

I did not think it was cute at all.

[@cryptid_deity]

For the doctor story: I've also had the issue of not being able to understand someone because of their accent before. It was in a shop I don't usually go to; I was hanging out with a friend and they recommended we go there to grab food. Said friend ended up basically having to repeat everything the person behind the counter was saying after I didn't respond to them, because I genuinely couldn't understand anything and was too afraid to admit that. This situation led to me getting something completely different from what I had intended to order, because there was just no clear communication between the person behind the counter and me. (Based on the food they were selling and the other clients in the store, it looks like this store focuses mostly on immigrant clients living here, possibly from a specific country. I imagine they have no trouble communicating with most of their clientele, since they probably speak another language with them.) If I was having that kind of trouble with a medical professional, I would want to switch, too. I agree that communicating the difficulty first would be better than just giving up, but I also know that I would never have the guts to do that, because that would feel too close to 'conflict', which I try to avoid at all costs. (Then again, I struggle to understand what people (including the family I live with) are saying at least once every day. I very rarely ask people to repeat themselves, because for some reason that's just really scary and feels like I shouldn't be doing it. Most of the time I just pretend I did hear them and make a vague sound as my response. Leads to awkward situations when it then turns out that the other person asked me a question. I might possibly have social anxiety, which I would blame this on if I knew for sure.) An opposite story is with one of my current closest friends, who I had a lot of trouble understanding when we first met. After months of calling twice a week, I have a much easier time understanding them, but still need to ask them to repeat themselves sometimes (and some other times, I still pretend to have understood them when I didn't). I was willing to go through the stress that situation brought me because I liked this person (we also text a lot), but I don't think I'd have the same motivation for a doctor.

[@Astlay]

Agreed on the breakfast story with ESH. As someone who's autistic, I never understood it when people got annoyed I didn’t get their expectations intuitively. My mom and I fought a lot when I was young, until the day I explained to her I had no problem doing chores, but I needed someone to tell me what they needed me to do. Living alone, I know what to do, but with another person I need guidance. But the husband isn’t doimg this. He is acting in a very sexist manner, expecting his wife to do something that is traditionally considered feminine, and then using medical lamguage to minimise her feelings. He used "bipolar" as a buzzword (and, btw, as a bipolar woman, that's not how it works). He needs to grow up and help his wife.

[@annabrown3337]

The animated shark is adorable and thanks for reminding me it's monday- I need to put the bins out

[@memeju1ce]

with tinnitus or any hearing problems, you can’t just “learn” how to understand it. at least not in the time an appointment takes. it was disappointing to hear that shaaba would expect me to keep going to a doctor i couldn’t understand. it’s important you can communicate and understand everything a medical professional is saying.

[@NatTalyx]

4 NTD They've seen this doctor twice, and they didn't gel. He was not the right fit for them and their needs. It's no different to wanting to change to a specific gender, age, or view point. You want a doctor you feel safe with, that you know you are not having miscommunication with and that you feel comfortable with. Having to work the whole time to be sure you are understanding them does not create an environment where you can be sure you are getting the right information which is not safe

[@alexisskelly4073]

I cannot overstate how important it is to be able to understand what your doctor is saying. Not being able to understand your doctor means you can’t follow their instructions properly and that could end up being really bad. Not understanding the doctor could be considered a hurdle to getting healthcare.

[@wantstowatch]

Shaaba, I think you're great and I generally do appreciate your ideas and how you express them, but yes it feels very marginalizing and ableist to hear you say that if someone's disability prevents them from understanding someone with an accent that they should avoid interacting with people, and it just didn't feel necessary to make your point. I do appreciate that there's a broader issue of biased, unjust kneejerk refusal to try understanding people with accents, and that is also marginalizing, not to mention racist and generally effed up. But one doesn't cancel out the other.

[@A_T216]

And ooh, judgemental mother *definitely* wanted validation instead of advice lmao.

[@maranathaschraag5757]

I do have an accent story - i used to work in an ICU as a bedside nurse. i got report about a patient and the off-going nurse told me he was being assessed for stroke because he had garbled speech. she (the nurse), the doctors, etc. had been able to communicate with him. I went into to introduce myself. I could understand him just fine. he was just very, very Scottish. Lovely man who had not had a stroke.

[@lirialraito]

I find visiting the doctor and asking questions or advocating for myself so stressful that if i had to ask them to repeat themselves a lot because i couldn't unstand them I'd feel horribly guilty, like i was wasting time they could have spent helping someone else who could understand them better. And then I'd probably feel even more guilty for feeling guilty that i couldn't understand them and wasted their time (even if it wasn't really a waste ) that I'd change practices entirely or just not book another doctor's appointment again until some issue came up that I couldn't avoid.

[@Whateverhasbeenmynameforyears]

On the accent thing. There is a difference between a relationship and a doctor. Often times they are rushing you through anyway and it is important to understand what your doctor is saying. If your doctor would does not speak in general terms only using medical terms that would be an acceptable reason to change doctors. Also, what if something serous is going on with your health and the stakes are higher and your energy is focused on understanding the words instead of what is being said? The consequences of not understanding your doctor could be much higher than not understanding small talk. I feel like there might be some unconscious bias with ability you might not be taking into consideration.

[@arualblues_zero]

#1 If husband chose OP against his racist family's wishes, he HAS TO have her back. Does he love her, of just fetishize her? #2 I was going with YTA because OP was being passive-aggressive instead of talking to him openly, but then I got to the bipolar stuff, so ESH (IF she's being truthful, but her being so passive-aggressive, not sure I believe her fully). #3 YTA 100% Ma'am HOW DARE YOU. OP's not "the drama", she's the a-hole. #4 Doctor appointments are stressful enough to go out of one's way and make it *more stressful* to make someone else comfortable, OP has a medical reason that makes it difficult. This is not like getting used to your in-laws, he's not and will not be family. NTA. (context: I once switched doctors because his German was too "thick" and I could not understand him. I live in Germany)

[@via3600]

I am autistic and have auditory processing issues and I find it incredibly difficult to understand people with accents It makes me feel incredibly guilty every time but there's nothing either of us can do Its essentially a language barrier and I don't think that's something worth overcoming when you can just switch and save everyone the effort

[@Chronicaleenie]

For the last one I have partial hearing loss and have personally had issues with accents. To combat this I have either brought someone with me or I have explained to the medical provider that I am struggling with their accent and we have either found a nurse who can help me or they have had to speak louder/slower and our appointment has taken much longer and we have made sure there’s been a write up afterwards. I feel like when your disability is affecting your communication there can be that option of being given another medical professional not because there isn’t room for improvement but we only have so much time in an appointment and our NHS is pushed to the edge as it is. I personally always let people know of my hearing issues especially in the medical setting as it can have such huge impacts, there are options out there to help like having a nurse come in to help or having a loved one with you but the doctor themselves has even booked my follow up appointment with their colleague due to our struggles. I have a very strong northern accent (Yorkshire mainly) and we’ve had struggles both ways. As long as you are able to discuss this openly I think that’s the best thing to do whereas it seems OP didn’t say anything and quietly changed without using an opportunity for learning or seek any support/potential adaptations with a well recommended doctor. Hope this helps from a perspective of someone with partial hearing loss.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

Eyyy Yorkshire accent

[@sarahjones6323]

Regarding the last one: I find it really embarrassing when I have to ask people to repeat themselves multiple times. Being in that position with someone you don’t know well and being in a medical setting could be really stressful. I don’t think that person is an AH. Plus, the doctor was probably a bit frustrated having to repeat himself (an educated guess since I am also a healthcare provider), so it probably benefits both of them to see another doctor. It may not be any deeper than that

[@k.c.8662]

So it's a bit of a throwaway line, but I'm pretty sure in the beginning of the story, the mom lied about her daughter's age. She says that she's 17 but then in the middle of the story she says that she's 15 but she tells her that she looks 17 even though she looks 12. Anyone else pick up on that? Or do you think it was just a matter of bad wording? Because to me that makes the story even weirder. Who cares if a 15-year-old that looks 12 dresses that way? And she never actually explains what that means. Like is she just wearing cute clothes and pigtails? Or is she just not dressing "mature"? Because I would argue that it's becoming more and more common for people to dress how you would associate with younger people in the past.

[@Nymwhen]

Hi Shaaba!! Thank you for your wonderful videos

[@RebekahVee]

I agree with the possible unconscious bias in the last story and that should be something the OP takes a good look at. However, the reason I would probably give a NTA is because being a patient can be a very vulnerable situation, and having to ask someone to repeat themselves or talk slower can feel intrusive and rude (even if it is done politely). I currently have a fertility doctor who has a very strong accent and during a phone call discussing very difficult information, I left feeling like I only got 50% of what was said and I didn’t feel confident enough in the moment to keep asking her to repeat herself. It made me feel like I wasn’t getting the full benefit of her expertise and I left feeling quite stressed and upset during an already upsetting time. I trust her and haven’t felt the need to change doctors but after that phone appointment it did add to my stress which I could see another person having difficulty dealing with that extra layer of stress. If you are not comfortable with someone who you need to discuss some of your most vulnerable information with, it makes sense to change that person but it’s important to really check your biases and be honest with yourself beforen making that decision.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

I don't think it's unconscious bias at all. There are a lot of different accents in the world. If it's a friend or family member then yes, you should make more of an effort to understand, but with a healthcare professional? It's easier for both the patient and the doctor if the patient switches. I currently live in a different country the one I'm from. There are people whose accents I struggle to understand and there are people who struggle to understand my accent. It's a thing that happens - and if it happens with a healthcare professional, it's a perfectly valid reason to switch doctors. A good doctor will understand and even encourage you to find a doctor who works better for you. (That being said, at my surgery, there's a terrible doctor with an easy accent and a better doctor with a more difficult accent to understand, and I'd take the second one every time. If OP had chosen a worse doctor, there might be an issue with bias but as long as the skill level and how good they are at their job is the same, it's perfectly reasonable to take the easier route.)

[@frozenBird925]

I agree with the NTA badge, however as someone with tinnitus, the inability to understand someone doesn't usually go away with a few interactions or repetitions of phrases. I've gone entire semesters listening to a professor 3 times a week, and still couldn't understand him more than I did at the start. I am white, so I can't say for sure if OP has an unconscious bias or not, but regardless, time probably wouldn't solve the issue.

[@RebekahVee]

@@frozenBird925 @unapologeticallylizzy I completely agree with both of you and the only reason I would say for OP to check if there is an unconscious bias is because we should always be checking. I remember interviewing someone for a job and I had a feeling about her that I couldn’t shake- the other people Interviewing with me really liked her but there was something sitting a bit funny with me. Her answers were good, her experience was good but I didn’t like her. I had to check my thinking because I couldn’t put my finger on it- she had a strong accent and was a bit “aloof”, I guess, which could easily have been a cultural thing as well as just nerves in the interview. So, I went with the other interviewers and we hired her because I couldn’t verbalise what I was sensing and I thought maybe I was letting some unconscious bias play a part in my opinion of her. It turned out that my senses were correct and she wasn’t really the right fit; she didn’t enjoy the job and left within the year but that also doesn’t mean that I wasn’t letting my biases play into my opinion of her. It was an interesting lesson for me and has made me regularly check in with myself when I dislike someone or have an “off” feeling. I try to be really honest with myself and really dissect my feelings. Also, my mum is deaf in one ear and my dad suffers from tinnitus, so I can empathise with people who are hard or hearing as I have seen their struggles (specifically my mum) with understanding people with thick accents or in a crowded or loud space. It’s so important to feel comfortable with your healthcare provider so I definitely don’t think OP is TA.

[@yourlocalnoob4938]

I feel like "You'll figure it out if you try hard enough" is said far too often to disabled people. Every disabled person is different, and sometimes, no, a hard of hearing person won't be able to understand your accent, even if they try to "get used to it". Besides, the doctor/patient relationship is professional, not personal, and in professional relationships like this you're really not obligated to "work things out" with them if things aren't working for whatever reason. Op should be allowed to recognize their own limitations, the reasons this professional relationship is unnecessarily straining or impossible for them, and seek out alternative care without jumping through the hoops of just "trying harder" to suddenly overcome their disability.

[@CinziaDuBois]

As someone who is half-deaf with tinnitus, accents are incredibly different for everyone, and I would not jump at calling someone with a hearing condition racist or even claiming they had unconscious biases. I find jumping to that conclusion ableist. I live in Scotland now and never had a problem understanding people here. But you know where I struggled to understand people? Birmingham - the place where I was born and raised and lived for 22 years. That's because the way my hearing works, I struggle to hear very low tones, and many people with a thick Brummie (and Black Country accent) have a low tone. I couldn't "just get used to it" even when I lived, worked and was educated in the city for 22 years and never left, surrounded by people with the accent. I always had ask people to repeat themselves, I struggled in some classes more than others, and I genuinely thought I was just "a bit stupid" most of the time (coupled with undiagnosed dyslexia). Additionally, this also means that I hilariously find men in general very hard to hear (which my guy friends all have a good laugh at because it makes for a great joke of "zoning out men"). If someone were to call me classist for struggling with a strong Brummie accent as someone from a working-class Brummie family, or if someone accused me of being misandrist for not being able to hear a guy properly, I'd be so offended. I'm in my 30s, so it's not /too/ bad, but I can't imagine how my hearing will be in 10+ years' time, and not knowing how old OP is or knowing the state of their hearing, I wouldn't judge them for that request considering the issue they need help on is hearing and they already feel vulnerable about that condition, it can be painful to feel the extent of your disability being amplified more (like a painful reminder of why you're there in the first place).

[@Missaroo]

Just wanted to say I found you last week because youtube recommended Jamie to me, and you have to be one of my new favorite youtubers c: Your relationship makes me think a lot of my own and you and your husband are so wholesome~ Tysm for all the wonderful content!! I've been bingeing

[@ShaunPaduano]

I have a hearing disability and I also completely agree that accommodations can and should be made to make ensure equality of opportunity. HOWEVER, when you have a hearing disability, it’s very easy to MISS that a communication has occurred, and it can be increddddibly dangerous to be having miscommunications with the person responsible for your healthcare.

[@wombat4583]

I also want to add that having a new doctor isn't a choice between miscommunication/difficult communication and good communication but a potential for better communication. There's a good chance that they will struggle sometimes regardless who's the doctor, but that doesn't mean there needs to be added stress when there are other available options.

[@qryptid]

"You can't hear people so you shouldn't integrate into society" is the wildest take, and as someone who enjoys your videos and your openness I beg you to ask yourself how you didn't hear the ableism when you said that @.@ holyfffff

[@bassicchip6612]

No unconscious bias. I have tinnitus myself but even if I didn't... the bare minimum that is needed of health care professionals regardless of nationality is that they make themselves understood and that clear communication is present at all times. Misunderstandings can change lives if information is not conveyed correctly

[@A.K.N.W.]

I’m in the USA with the awful healthcare system here I have a auditory processing disorder If the provider is my GP and I am only having routine visits insurance allots two 15 minutes visits per year (preventative care/well patient care) most of the time that’s all I’m seeing my GP. There is no way in that tiny amount of time that I could learn to understand someone whose voice is difficult for whatever reason. I am quick to change healthcare providers for any reason if im not comfortable the anxiety of not being able to communicate well would be a reason. If it was a provider I was seeing more frequently (say a therapist for a weekly visit) their voice wouldn’t be nearly as concerning and I would be more aware of the vibe I felt with them as to if we where a good fit

[@averyark]

For the accent one, i dont have tinnitus, but i do have auditory processing issues that mean im constantly saying "what?" when someone says something and need subtitles when im watching stuff. Im scottish and i struggle to understand some people with thicker accents, even with people that I grew up around. Sometimes i cant even understand my own family members😭 Because its an ever-present thing in my life i just kind of make do, but that's me, and everybody has different levels of struggle and deals with them differently, and I'm a very non-confrontational person (to my own detriment sometimes) 😭 but i understand where OP's coming from, and it would save the awkwardness for everyone having to make them repeat themselves. Though I also agree that they could say they have difficulty hearing and maybe they could have worked something out 🤷

[@1llockandkey1]

Speaking as someone with a disability, any barrier to care can be Too Much. Especially if you are more unwell/disabled than you typically are.

[@torigroves1048]

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[@wirtspine]

being hard of hearing is already exhausting and often comes with shame and guilt to ask people to constantly repeat themselves. also asking for accomodations isnt as easy as it sounds. i dont blame op for switching to a doctor who would be a better fit for them. i definitely understand shaabas point of view and how racial bias can play a part in this but from my hoh pov, asking hoh/disabled people to just try harder isnt helpful and it sounds a bit ableist to me. i dont have a lot of experiences with different doctors but i am a hard of hearing university student and i cant hear certain frequencies. i especially have a hard time hearing people with deeper voices. most of my professors are old men and id definitely switch a tutor or professor to someone with a higher/clearer tone if it meant that id have an easier time understanding the lecture.

[@3nbyBl3uI3I2]

As someone with auditory processing problems and tinnitus - someone having an accent does not immediately mean you can't understand them. There's a lot of factors that come into play, but there have also definitely been times where someone had an accent that was just too difficult for me to understand no matter how many times they repeated themselves. In a healthcare setting especially, this could cause a lot of problems. Considering the person in the story went to multiple appointments before switching, I doubt it was a racial bias

[@faenene]

I am someone who’s had genuine delusions, and the word “delulu” is a very big pet peeve of mine :( /nbr

[@aces.spacee]

im pretty sure i have auditory processing disorder and understanding people day to day can honestly be very difficult and exhausting, i already have to work twice as hard to understand people, but then adding an extra hearing hurdle like an accent, especially in a setting where crucial information is being exchanged, it makes perfect sense to switch providers. additionally for me i already find doctor appointments stressful and uncomfortable and so i think it's reasonable for me to do everything in my power to make it as painless and as least stressful as possible which would likely be finding a doctor that fits better for me, and as everyone already pointed out, mishearing or misunderstanding your doctor can be detrimental to your health

[@charlieandmary4904]

About the doctor one: I think it is no drama at all to switch doctors even if the patient wouldn't have trouble hearing. As a patient it is important to be able to communicate well and also time effectively (unfortunately) with your doctor. I don't think that patients have the time or responsibility to try and get used to an accent. The doctor being a doctor has excellent job opportunities anyhow, even being an immigrant. As a chronically ill person living in a country where I do not speak the local language (at least not well enough to speak to my doctors), I would switch doctors when I notice that they are not well at communicating in english with me whether the reason was a foreign accent or just mediocre language skills. Further, I actually think that communicating with patients in the local language is part of the job. So if there is any problem regarding that, even if it is just a strong accent, we should expect the doctor to improve, not the patient. I would expect the same from someone that has a very strong dialect (let's say scottish).

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

Exactly, it's really not a race thing - and if you're working in a country speaking a language all the time, it's obviously fine to have an accent, but you also have to be able to speak well enough in the language to make yourself understood. I'm also currently living in a country where the main language is not my native language (I'm a native English speaker) and I put a lot of effort into trying to make sure my accent is as close to a native speaker as I can possibly get it. I want people to understand me when I speak, and that responsibility is on me to make an effort, not the person I'm speaking to.

[@emilyjohnson6611]

As someone who is hard of hearing, I would absolutely switch doctors if I couldn't understand my doctor. Health care is not an area where you want to have misunderstandings and while in theory bringing someone along to translate/interpret probably sounds okay to someone who doesn't have to deal with a disability, hearing or otherwise, having to plan your doctor appointments around someone else's schedule as well as your own and your doctors potentially just adds another barrier to getting the care you need. What do you do if you need to see your doctor and no one is available to go with you? Additionally as someone who works in health care, I can't imagine any good doctor being offended by someone switching practitioners in order to find the best, most comfortable fit for them. Anyone who does get offended needs to take a step back and realize it's not personal, it's about making sure everyone gets their needs met. And if it is personal... well, do you really want to have that person as a patient anyways? Edit because I forgot to mention that having to constantly ask people to repeat themselves and misunderstanding what is being said is a very embarrassing thing to go through. People with disabilities should be free to make changes and access accommodations as they see fit in order to be able to maintain their dignity as much as possible. I have multiple disabilities including hearing loss, mental health, physical, and learning disabilities and in my experience the shame and embarrassment and loss of dignity is just as, if not more, difficult to deal with as the actual disability is.