Is this family racist? r/AITA 1 800 Drama Podcast

Welcome to the eighth episode of 1 800 Drama! In this episode, Shaaba and Jamie explore tipping culture, racially questionable behaviour, babies that stop breathing, and forcing loved ones to go to therapy. Grab a cuppa, let's go fishing! 🎣
wanna be a member? grab a backstage pass! www.youtube.co...
HEY LET'S BE INTERNET FRIENDS:
Instagram @sherbetlemon007
Twitter @sherbetlemon007
TikTok @sherbetlemon007
Twitch @shaabaandjamie
Our site: shaabaandjamie . c o m
Jamie's channel: ‪@Jammidodger‬
Our gaming channel: ‪@shaabaandjamie‬
Be kind and have a great day (:

[@spectilia]

Okay, people absolutely prounce it La-m-ow. Don't let Jamie tell you otherwise!

[@shaaba]

😂😂 la-mow to you too! x

[@kiarimarie]

My husband does. It took me 4 years to ask what the heck "lamow" because he only said it while steaming and couldn't believe he was just pronouncing out loud "lmao".

[@talasheart7889]

Thank you, I thought that's how people would say it and had a short moment of panic when Jamie said that's not how it's done xD

[@lemcy1256]

I also say lamao and lol (not EL-OW-EL) Am I now with 37 already a Boomer???

[@MaineCoonMama18]

​@@lemcy1256Lol, nope! You're a Millennial, you'll always be a Millennial. For better or worse (fellow Millennial here). 😂

[@Krispypeppers]

Shaaba, I would like to personally thank you for the "Urology" oopsie. Couldn't stop laughing. Ironically almost peed myself 😂😂😂 Brains are so fun.

[@soullesscadmium30]

Peeing yourself? Maybe you should see a urologist 😂

[@sutematsu]

As an American, on the tipping one, I would also be livid if I paid for multiple people's dinner and they gave a $1 tip. That's completely unacceptable. Whether it's my family's restuarant or not, leaving $1 on a $200+ bill is borderline antisocial behavior. I wouldn’t want it associated with me either, regardless of location.

[@zekova]

Aaaabsolutely! 💯

[@Ray-hk1zm]

Yeah the "oh they're overreacting" reaction from Jamie and Shaaba shocked me--I think that even though they're claiming to understand American tipping culture they really don't, if I see someone not leave a tip (or honestly *especially* leaving a $1 tip, what the fuck) what I get from that is "oh, okay, you straight-up do not care about the livelihoods of the staff here" and that's absolutely not someone I'd want to be seen eating with.

[@Zapporah85]

I would be so embarrassed and also angry because it shows an utter disrespect for the wait staff. No joke, this would be the kind of shit that I would stop talking to a person over.

[@Amethystar]

It would have been better to give nothing at all. It sends the message that "I could have given you more, but you're not worth it." It's insulting the servers. At least if they'd given morning a server could think that maybe they forgot, however unlikely that may be.

[@naonao9528]

The alcohol thing is also relevant because servers often have to tip out the bar staff at the end of the night.

[@maeshellewest-davies7904]

A dollar tip is an insult. They should have given 50, especially since it was his family that ran the restaurant.

[@thecolorjune]

Yeah. And even then, depending on their party size, it a common to tip a little above 20% if you are a large group since it is more work for the staff. If I was the family, especially since it’s the fiancé’s family’s restaurant, I’d likely tip at least $60. Sure, it’s a fairly large chunk of money, and some people are really poor, but if you cannot afford the tip you need to discuss that before hand. If you just don’t WANT to tip then that’s very rude. I do wish America just paid staff a living wage so tipping politics weren’t so messy, but as it stands this is what is respectful.

[@katieowlpower]

If anything, they should have tipped above, if they could afford it (and it sounds like that’s possible). You should treat family better than a random establishment.

[@jeddybear5909]

What I got from the story too, is that it was a combined tip. So it would be less split amongst the group as well. $1 for 5 people is pretty gross.

[@BunneahReads]

USA Federal minimum wage for restaurant workers is $2.13 per hour, and patron tips are supposed to be used to make up the difference to the $7.25 per hour untipped worker minimum wage. That's why bare minimum we tip15% of the bill. When my family went to the UK we ate at a pub and leaned over to the table next to us at the end of the meal asking what tipping culture was in the UK. They were lovely ladies that educated us and were suitably horrified when we explained why we were feeling obligated to leave a large tip.

[@ajs787]

I'm American as well, and what throws a very weird wrench in things is when municipalities tried to raise the minimum wage for restaurant servers and get rid of tips, it was often that the servers THEMSELVES would protest, because often times they made more than they would make on minimum wage thanks to tips. That is true of NYC as well, where the minimum wage is $15. Also, I think if not enough tips are made in an hour to surpass standard minimum wage, the restaurant owners have to make up the difference in minimum wage or something along those lines. Not sure if that's every state/municipality, but yeah.

[@cameoe805]

This! I worked as a server in college in a small town in NC. And I definitely did not regularly get tipped well. As a people pleaser, busting my butt for a large table for an hour plus to only get a dollar or even completely stiffed was so demoralizing. I will never work on the food industry again. The alcohol and deserts are significant because it's more work for the server. The bar is not always located near kitchen and servers often have to prep the desserts themselves.

[@aaidatesfa641]

Servers’ wages can vary a lot depending on the type of place they work at. Servers at higher volume or higher end restaurants regularly make well above minimum wage, but franchise restaurants, small new restaurants, etc can often barely make minimum wage. Servers opposing a new minimum wage with no tips are often from the former group.

[@Nariasan]

​@ajs787 I think you may be conflating wait staff and bartenders. I know that bartenders can make a killing on a good night of tips, but their interactions with customers are completely different than that of waiters to a table. Bartenders have to be perma-charming, flirty, efficient, and listen to customer woes if they want a good tip. Luckily, the close quarters with the customers at the bar will usually pay off. Same cannot be said for a waiter who has to deal with a section of X amount of tables. Unfortunately, wait staff frequently don't have the opportunity to go above and beyond and earn those extra tips. I've also heard of places where the restaurant pools all the tips at the end of the night and then splits it evenly between the staff-meaning that a generous tip meant for one server might still not be worth much at the end of the day. But this is just things I've heard. I'm European and I've been living and working in Japan for years. Tipping culture is beyond me. My American and Canadian friends have told me this, though.

[@ajs787]

@@Nariasan In the USA it's both. You have to tip for both, regardless of how many or the quality of the interactions. Bartenders often make more in tips because of how expensive drinks can be over the night, and it's usually a couple bartenders for MANY patrons--it's a numbers game. Also, tipping is an expectation both for waitstaff and bartenders. Even if you get bad service, you still are culturally (not legally, it's just a jerk move if you don't) obligated to tip at least 15% (though that number keeps creeping up). However, it's common for people to tip more than that for exceptional service if they can afford it, which is why you see both waitstaff and bartenders bend over backwards for good service--as you mentioned, because of how bartenders operate, they bend over backwards even more because of that potential with somewhat intoxicated patrons. Pooling tips does happen, but it obviously depends on the restaurant. Big thing is that owners CANNOT keep any of the tip money for themselves.

[@KathrynwithaY]

Lmao - The Click pronounces it "Lamow". He's hilarious

[@SouthpawProudNix]

That is exactly where my mind went immediately! Trying to “expand my mindset” (taken from Shaaba, thank you for it) from the egocentric American mindset I was/am so guilty of, especially when I was younger. I am glad I wasn’t the only one that immediately thought The Click pronouncing it, as well as someone who follows both channels/KZbinrs. Cheers!

[@stolenrelic]

I say "lamow" when I'm with my partner. It means a particular thing, usually that it's meme funny but not haha funny.

[@Imjustkendall]

Wait I always did it like that I’m surprised ppl rlly say it like L M A O

[@KathrynwithaY]

@@SouthpawProudNix he's one of my favourite KZbinrs. Not that Jamie and Shabba aren't brilliant. He's just the perfect amount of lunacy!

[@lemcy1256]

@@KathrynwithaY Same. The Click is just so funny, kind and an overall positive force on the interwebs. Also, as a queer person myself, I just love what great allies One Topic and The Click are.

[@kimh7856]

I’m a server in the States and I want to break down why the tipping story is a big one. First, many states (not all) the server minimum wage is still $2.13 (£1.71), some employers go higher most do not. Second, we do not get to keep all of our tips. We tip out depending on the place of work around 40% of our tips. Some places do less, but 40% is pretty standard in a city. Although it’s rare some restaurants do tip out by sales. In fact I just worked at one. That means the server may have lost money on that table. Although, no matter what, if the server makes less than minimum wage after tips which in many states it’s $7.25 (£5.83), then they will be paid the minimum wage. But not many people could possibly survive off that. There is also the fact that if it is a larger party of people you won’t be sat as much while they are there because they will take up more of your tables. Now on another note. When the owner or their family come in to the restaurant it is expected that they would leave at least 20% if not more because it’s a way of showing appreciation for the employee. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[@soundlessbee]

If the wait staff can't keep all of the tips, where does the rest go? I'm not very familiar with the tipping culture, but I have always expected it all goes to the waiters.

[@charlotteh2166]

​@@soundlessbeeTypically servers pass on a percentage of their tips to other restaurant staff that directly impact the service they provided to the customer (such as the host who sits the tables, the bussers who are removing plates and cleaning tables, or the bartender mixing your table's drinks.) Whether or not the kitchen staff (cooks and dishwashers) get tipped out varies both by location and state. Since in theory the amount you receive in tips is dependent on the quality of service, this is a way to account for the fact a diner's experience is not 100% the work of the server, and to acknowledge the work the rest of the staff performed.

[@soundlessbee]

@@charlotteh2166 Thanks for explaining. It makes a lot of sense that the rest of the staff also get a part of it. I honestly don't know how they share the tips here, since it's quite rare to be served by just one person during a meal anyhow. Maybe they just share it with everyone who have been working, since the waiters are paid a decent salary even without the tips.

[@charlotteh2166]

​@@soundlessbeeI know some places pool all tips together and then split it at the end of the day or shift, and that's definitely more common in establishments where you don't have one dedicated server.

[@Kimshu6]

I know because I'm American I'm engrossed in the tipping culture but it honestly kinda made me a little mad hearing Jamie be like "Okay but you can't make them pay more for the tip". Like, yeah, obviously you can't but it is SO SCUMMY to tip that little in the U.S. ESPECIALLY for a big party like that after op already paid for the rest of the meal. You're basically telling the wait staff that the probably near hour of service to your (I'm guessing) 8-10 people wasn't worth more than $1. It wasn't even relevant that it was op's family restaurant to me and the fiance's family being greedy was just the icing on the cake, not what made me decide they were in the wrong. Even if op's family actually pays their staff, tipping $1 for a meal like that is a huge red flag for me.

[@abridgedxobsessed]

Story 1: I think if the OP had approached it with "Hey wife, I'm really glad that you are feeling better about watching the kids, but there are some things that you're still dealing with that have me concerned. It would really give me peace of mind if you could get one therapy session just to put me at ease." Things would have gone over a lot smoother.

[@hexonyou]

yeah, I think that if OP had approached it with "Hey it feels like we both could use a little more support starting down this road, and I know that it has been very stressful for you. Do you think it would be helpful to find a good therapist that can help with the anxiety you've been feeling and help us communicate better in this tense time?" I think approaching it from the "we're a team, and this is good -for both of us-, and for our relationship as we embark on something new" would make a world of difference. I don't think OP was being overbearing or a bad person- it sounds like OP was really concerned for his wife, and is the closest one to her anxiety so the most aware of where she outwardly is showing she's at.

[@GlamourNNail]

Years ago I saw a drawing of a cat in a beret saying "Le Mao" 😮and now I always picture a French cat when I see LMAO.

[@nowitchisanisland]

Now it's gonna be in my mind's eye forever and I couldn't be happier

[@Rikrobat]

With the $1 tip story, the fact the family didn't tell OP that they don't really tip at restaurants is a red flag in itself. Agreeing to let someone pay for your meal-including alcohol and dessert-when you only plan to pay $1 in exchange is greedy and selfish. I have plenty of complaints about tipping culture in North America (I'm in Canada), but while the system is the way it is, I'll follow the custom if I'm eating out, and I certainly wouldn't mislead someone about how much I'd leave as a tip if they were paying for my meal.

[@solsystem1342]

Especially for a server that's like an hour's worth of work at any other job down the drain. I had a coworker get 0$ as a tip for a huge table once and that kind of unplayed emotional labor can really mess up someone's day. Totally not the asshole for being mad at someone for screwing over the staff.

[@justtired2050]

This is the biggest thing. Not only are they not willing to tip, but they were tipping $1 because OP told them to cover the tip, and treating OP’s payment as a pretty much free meal. I’m sure they knew OP expected them to tip more because why would OP ask them to cover a tip if they expected them to pay so little (as opposed to just paying the tip themselves). It’s the misleading and the entitlement that takes this to the next level for me

[@mikaylaeager7942]

@@solsystem1342 This is exactly why tips are bad!!! I currently work in the restaurant industry and if I could abolish tipping entirely I would without hesitation! I’d rather have a legally binding contract with my employer where we agree I will be compensated X amount for my labor, rather than rely on a social contract not enforceable by law. I also live in a state where there is no lower tipping wage. Minimum wage is the same for all. I would never agree to work for less than minimum wage and the emotional and physical labor I put in is based on my wage not my tips.

[@Taewills]

I’ve been in OP’s position before and gone back to the restaurant the next day to pay the server a generous tip bc that’s so f*ckd up. My dad trained ppl & helped w/gov program job searching so he always taught us to tip well. His voice echos in my head every time I get the bill.

[@kellyl13]

@@mikaylaeager7942 I don't think anybody here is arguing that the US tipping culture is good, but that's the culture we live in, and some people aren't privileged enough to not take jobs that rely on tips for income.

[@jadziajan]

For the last one - I feel like the most obvious option here is to communicate that you don't enjoy talking about babies? Like that's where this conversation should start. To work on your relationships you need to communicate straightforwardly.

[@Itri_Vega]

Especially important considering Makayla may want kids herself one day and Noah needs to figure out whether to maintain this friendship when that happens.

[@Egg_thing]

Yes, thank you, I was looking for this comment. I usually like Shaaba's takes but the "just tell her you're busy and the calls will be less frequent" thing really irked me. It's not kindness to lie to your friends, pretend you enjoy their company and then make excuses to avoid them. Op should have an honest conversation with their friend about what they do and don't enjoy about their talks. Maybe the friend thinks this is a shared interest and would be fine changing the subject if she knew. Maybe they can agree to a less frequent schedule so they can talk when something non-baby-related comes up. Maybe if they don't want to chat but still want to spend time together they could look for things they could do together like play a video game, have a discord movie watch party, join an online class together or whatever else they'd enjoy. And if there's truly nothing that works then they should talk about how to end the friendship in a way that will be healthy for both of them

[@lindsayosterhoff2459]

Controversial opinion from a mom who was in a similar situation to the wife being pushed into therapy. While the husband should have dealt with it differently... I don't think he's wrong. When my son was a baby I'd long been battling severe depression and anxiety and the rate of my panic attacks increased after having him and because of him dealing with some medical stuff (he's totally fine, no worries). My boyfriend came to me and said that if I didn't get into therapy he'd take our son until I did. It's been 20 years and I'm still glad he did that. I was so blinded by my own struggles that I missed something very important. I was a danger to my son. I NEVER would have hurt him BUT you cannot properly care for a baby (much less two) while having a panic attack. Anytime I was in that state my child was vulnerable. He could have gotten into something or whatever. I do not believe that the mom is an intentional danger to her kids at all but the children are at risk during the time she has a panic attack (which he seems to imply is an ongoing thing and being alone with the kids could trigger). She truly does need to get into therapy to get the panic attacks under control for the safety of her children.

[@zekova]

I completely agree. Very very well put. 😌

[@s.a.4358]

I agree - as someone who doesn’t have children but who has anxiety and depression and also has a mother with depression issues. I was already a teen when my mother had her most serious depression spell, so it was not a safety issue but it definitely did harm me in some way, as well as the whole family. My mother is a very good mother in so many ways, but in that moment of depression she was in such a deep hole that she didn’t even know it herself and did not behave like the person I had known as my mother until then. I don’t hold it against her and I know she did not mean to hurt us, but the fact is that she did. I am grateful I had my father and older brother who also knew what was happening and were there for me, and also that my father pushed my mother to get professional help, not just because he did not want my mother to suffer but also because he knew his children were having a hard time.

[@animeartist888]

I do agree in general, but therapy generally doesn't work unless and until the patient actually wants the help. If she thinks she's okay without it, the therapy session will go nowhere.

[@Amethystar]

The issue I have with the husband is that he was trying to make the decision for her. You can encourage someone and talk to them about how therapy could be beneficial, but this was more of "I want you psychologically evaluated before you're allowed to do X." He may not have meant it in that way, but with the way he described it, I can see her interpreting it that way. I think every mother should have the opportunity to talk to someone about their mental health. I got super anxious when I got my first cat! It just shouldn't be an expectation.

[@latronqui]

In my case I was the one insisting on not being alone with my kid until I started getting medication for my anxiety. I also think the mother might be resisting the help offered by her parents and the therapy suggested by her husband because she feels ashamed of needing it and that's not a good approach. But the husband is also wrong for they way in which he suggested it, and for dismissing her worry about the baby's breathing issue, because if the baby had an underlying health problem it makes perfect sense to take him to the hospital in that situation.

[@shannono9421]

The tipping story would be enough for me to end the relationship. The family expecting free food, openly disrespecting future in-laws, acting like it’s a burden to meet with their own child for those free meals….For the significant other to know about it and not say something or at least tip FOR them shows a clear disregard for her future Korean family as well. Knowing they weren’t going to tip well, not saying anything to either party but then going to the Family restaurant and slapping them in the face? She’s managed to both poop where she eats AND bite the hand that feeds her

[@faemomofdragons]

I can't get over the tipping story. I'm in the US. I'm a single mom. If I can't leave a 20% tip, then we don't go to a sit down restaurant. I do not like these in-laws.

[@Krispypeppers]

1 dollar is an insulting tip, but I was once left 3 pennies next to an entire pizza flipped upside down and smeared across the table 😱

[@gilesluver]

2nd: NTD. If asking them to tip in the beginning was unreasonable, maybe they should have said something. But not tipping at all when the agreement is that you would is shady af. The family got a *free* meal, and the staff got stiffed. Don't want to pay a large tip? Don't get alcohol. A lower bill means a lower tip. Totally aside, how do they treat the waitstaff?

[@MichiruEll]

Regarding Noah: they didn't say they didn't want the friendship anymore. There's a range between calling every week and never talking anymore. For example, I see my best friend only 3-4 times per year. We live super different lives and have different priorities in conversations. So we would have absolutely nothing to talk about if we saw each other every week. Yet she is and remains my best friend, like my little sister. To Noah: suggest that you do activities on call together, like watch a movie or play a videogame. You can also suggest "Hey, let's call every two weeks instead, cause I feel like I don't have alot to tell every week."

[@blazelightshine2311]

This! I've lived at least three hours away from my best friend for like, ten years, and when you're a child with both parents who aren't in the best financial position, it means we rarely saw it each other. We talked a lot then but started to talk less in recent years - but that hasn't degraded our friendship at all, we talk about things as they become relevant and our conversations don't always have to be full blown convos about everything, we can just share cool photography or something or pictures of our cats. For some people, you do not need to keep up constantly to keep a relationship going. But yeah, on the actual topic, totally, activities or other segues to their common interests, even 'that reminds me of' or 'also, today I was thinking about' etc.

[@binglemarie42]

With the $1 tippers, OP might have gotten a substantial discount because he's related to the owner. I know a chef, and he provides extra dishes and extra large portions for family and their guests. If that's what happened, it makes the dollar tip even worse because the food would usually cost more.

[@arualblues_zero]

As a Latina living in Germany, the PoC-dar is totally a thing and I felt it too. Besides that, even here in Germany, where tipping isn't a big deal, a €1 tip for a big party meal worth 200+ is a complete insult and I would be appalled. The therapy thing, he should have worded it differently. He didn't know how to communicate his concern and made her feel he simply didn't trust her as a mother. He's not an a-hole because of that, but he needs to learn how to talk about sensitive issues with someone who is vulnerable.

[@pameladavies337]

#1 Mom made good decisions even while panicking--calling parents, going to ER. She knows how confident she is. Parents are still a phone call away. No therapist needed.

[@debshaw680]

Except she’s not sleeping. Sleep deprivation doesn’t make a good parent.

[@IAmContemporary]

I think the disconnect in the first story is that the husband sees his suggestion as a way to say “I feel like you don’t fully trust yourself to be alone with the kids since the incident, so while I think you’re up to it, I’m worried of how you’ll react when you’re alone with them and something does happen” and the wife hears it as “I don’t think you’re a good parent and you shouldn’t be alone with them until you see a therapist”. He suggested therapy as a way to boost her confidence as a parent, she sees his suggestion as a knock to her confidence as a parent.

[@kaicarp5753]

For story 1, I think it's less of a case of him not trusting her with the kids and more of a case of "you experienced a traumatic event that is having an extreme and negative effect on your mental health. You should seek help so that you're more well equipped to regulate yourself around this, in case something like this could happen again."

[@somethinunameit637]

Tipping culture as an american: I tend to tip $1 on card then tip the 20% in cash. This is because they have to claim tips for taxing purposes. And they can prove I only tipped $1. Making it easier for them to just pocket the cash

[@joanfregapane8683]

In the U.S., a $1 tip for a sit down meal for even one person is exceptionally rude unless the service was awful. In fact, if service was very poor, a $1 tip would be left so the server would know that the tip wasn’t forgotten just a statement of bad service.

[@neo-cb9lc]

for the second one i agree, nta. as a poc myself (chinese) i also have a "poc-dar" like shaaba and thought i'd mention that too so the racist remarks did not surprise me either. i may be based in the uk myself but $1 as a tip is horribly insulting regardless of how much was spent honestly, especially considering tipping culture in the usa. let alone if it's a family owned place from op's perspective, i would see how badly that would reflect too. outright asking and expecting someone to pay for a large meal twice a week and acting like they're the one who should feel grateful on top of refusing to tip is out of line, just because the person is "wealthy".

[@LoraK31]

For the person who's having trouble with the weekly calls with their friend, I'd suggest trying an activity over video call instead of just talking. If you get on a call to play Minecraft or Teleparty a movie, you'll naturally come across more topics to talk about. Also, it's totally reasonable to cut down to biweekly or monthly, and if someone gets offended about that, that's on them (as long as you suggested it in a nice way)

[@itssteph263]

This is what I felt while listening to it, since it sounds to me like they just don't have alot going on in life right now and their friend has just fallen into a default topic.

[@giki42]

For the tipping one, if they take their family to a favorite restaurant (or any that they frequent enough to be noticed), and they do that, the next time they go, they could have issues with the wait-staff not caring about their food, waiting and bringing it out cold, waiting a longer time to have their order taken, ect. If it's a hit or miss if you're going to get any type of real tip from someone, you're going to pay attention to the good tippers and the new people who could potentially tip well first.

[@undefinederror40404]

True, except OP is related to the owner of the establishment. If I were working somewhere and serving someone from the boss's family with their guests, then I would not dare to give that sort of treatment because the complaint can come back around to bite you very quickly and severely. So the staff is double stuck and disadvantaged! Shame on that family.

[@brynclements3753]

Gosh darn, the way these two look at one another gives me all the feels. Its so nice to see genuinely kind, caring (and extremely talented) people find one another and happiness. Gives me hope.

[@dovestone_]

Yes they are very sweet together

[@larissafracalossi9847]

I'm Brazilian and, funnily enough, me and my friends sometimes use English text speak in person, but never the Portuguese versions lol

[@blurocketeer]

I use le-mah-ow because I speak spanish, I didn't think Shaaba would say it that way, it was so adorable! But also absolutely use it daily

[@fifteendozenalleyroses]

“Show me ur wow!” “later”

[@angiep2229]

In the US here, on a $240 tab I would probably tip $50, which is just a little over 20%. One dollar is absolutely ridiculous. Even at coffee shops I usually tip a minimum of $5.

[@dishevelleddev]

Agreed. My rule is 20% or $5, whichever is greater. This goes for any properly tippable service like hair salons as well.

[@angiep2229]

@@dishevelleddev Same!

[@noahjaybee]

There's an old adage about seeing how a date treats the wait staff, as it's indicative of character... I think that stands for the $1 tip. In America, tip culture says 15% min, more if you want to give for good service or whatever. No tip is gross but not insulting. Giving $1 says "I know I'm supposed to tip but I don't care to give you what you're worth." It's despicable and I guarantee if you do it and return to that restaurant/delivery service/bar the staff will have clocked you and will not be kind (or even actively mess with your food). Those are human beings you screwed over actively

[@clarab325]

i think 2nd OP is just mad because he’s being extremely generous and kind, but his extended family is making him come off as rude and cheap to the restaurant staff since he’s the one who’s paying for the entire party. this goes for any restaurant but especially OP’s uncle’s restaurant, there truly no excuse for them to be so uncivilized towards family. also obviously OP has set a condition for him paying: that they should leave a tip, because that’s important to him and just decent manners in general, but they’re not respecting it. this makes it come across as if they’re just taking advantage of him and his money (which apparently they are)

[@giantschick21]

#3 Friendships ebb and flow. It doesn't sound like anyone has to end the friendship but maybe talking less frequently is a good idea to begin. Or maybe suggest an activity that will respark common ground (watching a show together, visit each other, read the same book). Breaking a friendship off over one area of unshared interest without communicating might not be the best move.

[@emeraldqueen1994]

First story : when I was little, I used to have lots of breath holding spells because of my CP… Had to be hooked to a monitor with an alarm because of said spells, alarm sounded like a fire alarm and it scared the crap out of me to the point that I still jump 20 + feet out of fear and I’m 30 years old now…. Haven’t had the alarm since I was UNDER 5 years old! I feel sorry for the poor kid!!

[@silvermoon2281]

Aww, love our senior kitties!! 💖🐱 Our oldest just turned 16, he has perpetual grumpy cat face, and his meows sometimes sound like someone’s trying to start a baby lawn mower on gravel… But he still purrs almost constantly and he loves his sunshine, chin scratches, and belly rubs. ☀️😻☀️ Also I hardcore relate to the word use struggle, I used to mix up “anesthesia” and “euthanasia”… 🥴 I don’t anymore but I still get a little jolt when I say “anesthetics” because habitually I’m terrified I said the wrong thing. 🥲

[@TissuDemon]

I will point out that if you have a panic attack every time something happens to your kid, that kid is in danger every time that parent is the only one watching them. Babies are stupid, kids are stupid. When I was seven years old I did a stupid thing after being egged on by my brother and had to go to the ER and wait for hours. If she hadn't been her awesome but scared as hell self, I would have bled to death instead of getting stitches. The incidents small now, but accidents happen. The mom does need therapy.

[@soundlessbee]

I can't believe they missed this point completely. What if something happens and she isn't in sound mind to call someone or if she isn't able to reach her parents. I'm definitely not saying that no-one with mental health issues is a good parent, but it does seem a bit that she is ignoring the issue. Deciding that you feel fine to try something, doesn't really mean that you are fine to do it and this doesn't seem to be a situation where gambling is smart. How would either of them live with themselves, if something bad happened, the mother had a panic attack and the baby died? Stay in their lane isn't really valid argument here, because they are the OP's kids as much as they are the mother's, so it's his responsibility to keep them as safe as they can be. I also wonder if there's a bit of double-standards here. If the roles were reversed and it was the father who was potentially dangerous to the babies and the mother insisted that he'd have to take care of his issues first, I could easily see people being more sympathetic with her.

[@gilesluver]

1st: Definitely an a-h, but not a big one. He shouldn't make her being alone with the kids *contingent* on going to therapy. Let her try and see. Perhaps with parents nearby. That's where I draw the line. Keeping her from her kids.

[@thecolorjune]

Yeah. Therapy is a useful suggestion, but if she feels okay being alone with the kids again then that’s her decision. Give her support and advice, but not requirements! She hasn’t proven to be unsafe, just reasonably anxious given the circumstances

[@s.a.4358]

I don’t think he is making it contingent on her going to therapy. I think “insisting on” something can mean a lot of things ranging from really pushing a point to making it a requirement. I think OP is just concerned for him wife and not actually saying she is not capable as a mother. He didn’t say he doesn’t trust her, he said she doesn’t trust herself.

[@gilesluver]

@@s.a.4358 when you say "insist... before" that sounds like a requirement. I agree with the rest of what you said, but twice in his story, he made it sound like he didn't want her alone with the kids without at least one visit to a therapist (which is useless). And I'm not surprised she reacted that way. He's only a little drama. I think asking her what she needs to progress, or suggesting her parents be ready to help would have worked better.

[@Columbo453]

Thank you. I don’t know why no one else read it that way.

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

If my future in laws came into my family's restaurant tipping badly when im paying (paying, it's not a free meal) I'd for sure stop paying. And if i were the fiancée, I'd agree with not paying for it. Im so hyped that Shaaba also felt the disturbance in the POC Force😂😂😂 tipping culture in the US exists because of racism, so i knew where that was going😂😂😂

[@erima4270]

This is just.. not true. Tipping actually started as a way to get faster service. You'd make a show of setting money out for the server, and the staff would give you better service because you were paying more. It's only comparatively recently that it was turned into the expectation (and complacency with restaurants playing people badly) that it is today.

[@soelala]

​​@@erima4270 interesting how quick you are to correct something as "not true", when it's very easy to research and see that it is in fact the truth. American tipping culture and subminimum wage for service workers both started around the time of the civil war to keep newly liberated black people subservient and in poverty. Even if tipping started in Europe for mostly other reasons (like the ones you outlined in the beginning), Americans quickly changed it when they imported the custom.

[@erima4270]

"Interesting how quick you are to correct something as 'not true'..." *proceeds to acknowledge European origins that demonstrate that it is true* Look at that, we were both right. And hey, I learned something. Thanks for sharing how the custom evolved over time and came to be used in the US as yet another means of enforcing racism.

[@5210smile]

Story 1: That guy is being 100% reasonable. She's not sleeping, they have twins she's having mental health issues. It is not a trust issue, it is logic. There is no reason to believe she can handle an actual emergency exhausted and riddled with anxiety and getting an evaluation is the correct thing to do.

[@Nariasan]

I'm European and I've been living and working in Japan for years. Tipping culture is beyond me. My American and Canadian friends have told me the following: Wait staff often make pennies when compared to others like bartenders. The latter can make a killing on a good night of tips, but their interactions with customers are completely different than that of waiters to a table. Bartenders have to be perma-charming, flirty, efficient, and listen to customer woes if they want a good tip. Luckily, the close quarters with the customers at the bar will usually pay off. Same cannot be said for a waiter who has to deal with a section of X amount of tables. Unfortunately, wait staff frequently don't have the opportunity to go above and beyond and earn those extra tips. I've also heard of places where the restaurant pools all the tips at the end of the night and then splits it evenly between the staff-meaning that a generous tip meant for one server might still not be worth much at the end of the day. But this is just things I've heard.

[@mossy_rocks08]

For 3 I am someone who has been through really tough friend break ups but it makes it so much harder when they don’t let you know and they hid it and then you find out they have been feeling this way for ages and it’s something that I now constantly have anxiety about it’s way better to be honest and open with how you are feeling and causes way les hurt in the long run

[@animeartist888]

Yes. This. If I'm doing or saying something that doesn't jive with you, I WANT you to tell me. The sooner the better. Sure, it'll hurt to hear. Sure, it'll make things a little awkward for a while as I try to adjust. But the only thing worse than hearing you're upsetting a friend is learning that you've been upsetting them for ages and they never told you.

[@AynneMorison]

Average wage for a tip based waitperson is $2.90. Low since the tip is considered part of income. Bad tips can mean not being able to pay the rent.

[@HumbleWooper]

Yep, same for multi-restaurant delivery services like doordash, ubereats, etc. Though we drivers generally get paid per-order rather than per-hour, since most places in the USA we're hired as independent contractors rather than employees. They do base a good chunk of our pay on the distance they expect we'll travel (to the restaurant, and from the restaurant to the customer), but they don't tend to pay a ton per mile. I won't name which delivery service I work for here, but I get a base rate of $0.50/mile regardless of order size. Plus a small bonus sometimes, if the total pay including the tip would be less than $5... or maybe slightly higher if it's a several mile drive with little or no tip.

[@kingchickadee8694]

I really needed to hear that last story and your take. I'd been feeling so guilty about distancing myself from someone I was uncomfortable being friends with for a long time--I was also around when other people did friendship breakups from them as well

[@julieharris4700]

Knowing that OP is Korean puts a whole new spin on the situation with the fiancée's family. Korean culture is so polite and age hierarchy is very important. For Koreans an older person must always be respected and deferred to. OP may feel that his uncle has been disrespect by the $1 tip. Also if the fiancées family group consists of older people (even if only by 1 year) OP might find it difficult to go against their wishes. It seems like the fiancée's family has been taking advantage OP's culture of being polite to people.

[@CC4real]

lol @onetopic uses "leh-mow"!! 😂 I love it! I use "lull". maybe its a States thing ha ha

[@dearjaredkleinman2104]

Isn't ot Canadian?

[@Moka_Peach]

The Click also says 'la-mow' - i also do so at home with my partner (we are british :( )

[@rage_of_aquarius]

My parents were in the industry for 20 years, even owning a restaurant at one point, so I was raised to tip as much as possible for average service or above. We can't afford to go over 25%, but if we didn't have to pay for the meal?! We'd be dropping a HUGE tip!

[@alexandraw909]

Soooo, this episode was a ROLLERCOASTER!!! We had pee stuff, kitty poop Zoomies, therapy stuff, In-Law stuff peppered with racism.... And I know a good chunk of us are now wanting Korean BBQ 🤤🤤🤤🤤... But that last story wrap up made me, a Canadian, wanna jump in and wave at Jamie and Shaaba to remind them that our huge country exists too. Noah didn't mention living in different States or at the other end of the State, just 7hrs away, and Canada is also very vast! I would just like a little "when in doubt, say North America"....pretty please? Much much love from a Canuck who has friends that travel monthly 8.5hrs between neighbouring Provinces...

[@giantschick21]

This

[@SamiKelsh]

I'm not from the US, and as much as I dislike how the US convention is to weight most of waitstaff's wages from tips, when I'm travelling there, I automatically calculate 20% on top of whatever the prices on the menu look like when determining if I can afford to eat somewhere. The fact that a family who were all born and raised in the US, knowing this convention, are like yeah nah here's a dollar, is appallingly rude behaviour to me.

[@kayehouse6290]

Hi from Canada! Just finished watching your latest video and my sister and I were discussing the first part of the video. Currently being in therapy, you must be ready to see a therapist otherwise it just pisses the other person off. How about because their son has health issues, he suggest that because of these issues, he’d like to take a first aid course for infants and toddlers and ask if she would like to join him, might elevate some of the anxiety and panic. However depending where things are with them, this as well may come across as him being an a**hole. Definately didn’t approach things well. Love you guys 😊

[@fluuufffffy1514]

We need to normalize therapy. There should be no drama involved with using such a service or suggesting it to others

[@Sarah.H5]

The tipping story: Yet another instance on AITA where people are so afraid of confrontation that they can't just have an open and honest conversation with their family about their feelings, so it becomes drama and they turn to Reddit to sort through their emotions before they actually talk to their family about it. Get some communication skills, people!

[@winterkind1772]

One minute in and I am already with Shaaba on this one 😂 it's le-mao and nothing can stop me from reading it like that.

[@heatherbc7914]

For the last one, if they wanted to keep the contact but have something else to focus on (other than babies) they could find an activity to do like games or watching a show together each week. Couple that with an honest convo about the fact they aren't into baby talk and they could revive the friendship rather than taking a step back. Still NTA if they wanted to reduce contact, but it's not necessarily the only option.

[@therewillbecatswithgwenhwyfar]

I absolutely use text speak in person!

[@therewillbecatswithgwenhwyfar]

I think the dad is right and I don't say this lightly but I had postpartum depression that did slip into postpartum psychosis and I almost didn't survive myself. I agree that she needs help right away because it just gets worse if you don't treat it

[@missnaomi613]

*Mama who believes in therapy here. My firstborn was a preemie, and I had very little confidence by the time I was able to take them home after being in the NICU for a week. That said, trust the mama's instinct that she's got this now. *The loving banter between you two is so sweet! 💖

[@Silverwing28]

As a Dutch person, "lol" also just means funny in Dutch without it being an acronym. It also meant that it took me years to learn that using it in msn chat actually came from the English acronym, and not from the Dutch word.

[@Kindyno]

For Noah, i'm 37m and have a 30ish f friend that is a distance friend. We also went to school together, but we had a falling out. a few years later we got in contact again and we speak infrequently. it is ok to have someone in your life that isn't fully in your life. We went from talking almost every day to less often. we play online games sometimes and thats kinda where our conversations are. we do the hey how is work stuff from time to time, or if something is going on we bring it up.

[@SamiKelsh]

Absolutely this! I'm about the same age as you, and have accumulated a few close friends over the years who, because circumstances change and people move and shared interests may drift and wane, I don't talk to as frequently or intensely as I did for a specific part of our lives. That's fine! If the weekly schedule is becoming too much of a demand with diminishing returns, the talks could be more meaningful if they're less often.

[@danijadedd]

I, unironically, say "la mao" haha

[@bethanyj250]

Really disliked how you resolved Noah’s question here, as you basically advocated for ending the friendship. Noah didn’t say that’s what they wanted. It’s fine to cut down on calls, but they could also try something else entirely; challenge each other to try one new thing each week and report to each other on how it went, find an online game to play together, choose a book or a movie to watch and then discuss on their weekly calls - anything that would let their friendship grow or at least endure a dry spell rather than stop talking. Jamie said “friendship takes work” and then didn’t suggest any way for these two to work with each other. And Shabaa, friends don’t have to grow in the same direction, they just have to let each other grow, and find ways to stay connected when that happens.

[@Starsong28]

I came here to say this! Also, it's not a crime to let someone know that you'd like a change of topics. You could say, "I'm so happy for you that you're really excited about the new babies in your life, and I'd be happy to hear some shorter updates about them each time, but I don't personally connect with the topic and I'd love to have some new things to discuss together too." Also, there are a lot of really fun games that can be played long-distance. For example, look up the game, "Bring Your Own Book" which is hilarious and easy.

[@bethsmith3421]

I agree. I was disappointed that they immediately went to "end the friendship". Friends absolutely can grow in different directions and that can make for some really fun conversations because they are living very different lives. You just have to be open minded and honest about the very different topics that you talk about. One of the saddest parts about the political climate in the states right now is because the extremists in each party have made it so difficult to talk to each other and have a respectful conversation. I used to have friends in the other party, but not so much now, as conversations are not only contentious but might become dangerous. People with vastly different opinions and life styles can help each other have compassion and understanding for others unlike themselves. I also wanted to say, it's not only white Americans that act the way of the family in story 2. I had a friend, white female, dating a poc male. His family acted just like the fiance's family. She should pay for everything since she's a rich white girl. She was not rich, nor was her family. Her family were comfortable but not even what might be considered well off. His family was about the same. I guess they assumed?!? I've seen entitlement in many different people, from many different walks of life. I thought the young man was very generous. It's too bad her family couldn't just appreciate it and be respectful. Respect seems to be in low quantities sometimes.

[@Rikrobat]

I agree. It's not wrong that they brought up the point that some friendships might not last and it's okay to put distance between yourself and someone else. However, I don't think it's the only response for Noah's issue. Reducing the calls to biweekly would help to accumulate more stories to discuss, but as Starsong commented, Noah could also tell their friend that chatting about her cousin's babies isn't a topic they want to chat about as often as they have been. I am guilty of hyperfixating on certain topics and I've had my good friends ask me to move on or request to chat about something different because it isn't something they are interested in. It can hurt to hear, but it's also important for friends keeping open and honest communication.

[@the_demon_cat337]

It honestly hurt as someone who’s aroace. I build my life around friendships the idea that people whould casually suggest ghosting someone cuz you feel uncomfortable changing the topic is wild. I also really don’t like how blazay they were. Friendship breakups hurt.

[@noheterotho179]

I disagree, but I am biased. Their experience kind of reminded me of mine, they said they dislike the baby talk, but they also said they have nothing to talk about. Noah could totally want to keep making this friendship work, but I think what Shaaba and Jamie were picking up on is that A, they have nothing to talk about. I've personally been in this situation, where I'm still 'friends' with someone I knew from school and still hang out with them as sort of a habit, rather than actually wanting to, and we used to get together every week and talk about pretty much nothing at all because we had nothing in common anymore. B, they said the reason they struggled to bring this up is because their friend is sensitive around the subject of friend break ups. My old friend was also super on edge because of previous bad friendships they had, and because of that I was pretty much always walking on eggshells, whenever I told them they did something I didn't like, they would get super upset to the point of crying, so I just could never voice my complaints. C, I don't think Shaaba and Jamie were being dismissive or treating friendships as lesser than other relationships. Friend break ups suck, but so do normal break ups, but there's this weird double standard where we can acknowledge that if you're not happy in a relationship, you should end it, but if you're not happy in a friendship, you should stick through it otherwise you're 'quitting' or something. Friendships ARE as important as romantic relationships, which is why it's just as important to end them when they're causing you distress or upset. People really underestimate how draining and unhealthy an unwanted friendship can be, and of course again, we don't know what Noah wants, Noah maybe wants to save this friendship, but it isn't out of line to suggest ending it as an option. Again, I'm biased because I was stuck in a terrible co-dependent friendship for half a decade and I only just managed to get out, but I really think we should destigmatise friend break ups. Yes, they absolutely suck and hurt a lot, I've been on the receiving end of plenty of them, but they're leagues better than suffering through a one-sided friendship where the other person feels obligated to stay with you. But I do definitely agree that Shaaba and Jamie could've suggested more ways fot Noah to repair their friendship, rather than ending it being their main suggestion. But I disagree with the notion that suggesting ending it is at all out of line

[@hexonyou]

I applaud Shaaba's POC-dar, and also just have to say: rarely is a person super shitty in only 1 area. The fact they immediately started devolving into racism doesn't shock me, but man does it suck for OP.

[@crazycatchick4111]

Jamie got me laughing so hard about having to 🪒 a landing strip on his old man cat, I literally just had to do the same thing with a couple of mine yesterday 😹 my suggestion is to get a pet shaver designed to trim paw pads and intimate areas, it'll have the least likely chance of nicking anything, also add a lil bit of pure pureed pumpkin (in a can in the baking aisle) with some moist food and feed it to him everyday for a week or some because he may be leaving butt nuggets because he isn't properly hydrated/constipated (it happens when they get old)...hope it works out for you and Apollo both!!!😸

[@LifeisFoo]

I've gone back to places a week later to give more of a tip when I realized I didn't tip as much as I should have. I would be livid at this family

[@cutebush1755]

“It’s just a boomer thing to say ‘lol’” My 19yo ass saying ‘lol’ at least once a day: 🧍‍♂️

[@rage_of_aquarius]

In #1, the father is well within his right as a parent to be concerned. His infant son with a lung problem stopped breathing and his wife (after calling him) called her father and had a panic attack instead of acting with presence of mind, she reacted with panic and seemed to freeze. He should've been more tactful, but he can't be blamed for wanting to be absolutely certain that his child is safe.

[@bradiedean7466]

As an American, it's SO embarrassing when you find out someone in your group didn't tip after the fact. My mom and I recently found out my grandma doesn't tip a bitch of service workers she should and tips badly if she does at all. My mom was mortified when the hairstylist they both went to mentioned it to my mom bc then she realized it was probably affecting how all these people in their shared community saw my mother

[@PowerlineIsGod]

I think for the first one, NAH. Like, I think they're both really struggling with being new parents. The first time this happened, she panicked and could've put their child in danger. The dad's not in the wrong for worrying this could happen again But I can also see how she may feel like she's not trusted around her own children. That also confuses me. She's upset because she doesn't think they trust her with her kid, but she's the reason they feel like that. She could not be alone with her child for a long time without freaking out and not being able to take care of her kid. She thinks she's ready, but there are only 2 ways to know for sure. 1- she goes to therapy and works through her issues until she can safely be with her kids. 2- Fuck around, leave her with the kid, and find out once he's in this potentially dangerous situation whether she's able to handle herself. To me, it's clear his mentality is not "I can't leave my child with his mother" but more so "I can't leave my child in a situation where he might not be as safe"

[@goshdarnsilly]

for Noah: if you DO want to reinvigorate your friendship, you could try doing an online activity together (video game, watch party of a show, creative project) if you haven’t already

[@Nyxxeonn]

Shaaba having to count her siblings really made me chuckle, I have 4 older siblings (one of which is a half sister) and a nephew who I basically grew up with as a sibling, so I too often have to count out how many siblings I have lol

[@blazelightshine2311]

"They're above minimum I mean, by fair" Jamie, talking about what wait staff make in the US vs the UK. Jamie, not only is wait staff usually making min wage at any regular restaurant (if a fancier restaurant then they might be paid more), sometimes they make less, a wage specifically for careers where tipping is expected.

[@KathrynwithaY]

I'm a new(ish) mother with some anxiety problems. I don't agree with Shabba and Jamie. If she all of a sudden decides that she's definitely ok with looking after her child on her own without any trial period, then I think she may need to talk to someone or do a trial - where the dad or her parents are not far away - just to see if she really is ok.

[@justtired2050]

I think it’s a fair compromise for her to see a therapist just to make sure everything is okay. Kinda like I think it’d be fair to ask her to see a doctor if she had had some sort of physical health issue to make sure she was physically okay. At the least the husband could have a discussion with his wife about what her safety plan is if she has a situation like that again. Most of the time safety plans are for people with suicide/self harm issues but I think the concept at least could be a good tool for them to both feel more at ease-making sure she has support and a plan if she has a panic attack again or something stressful where she thinks she might have a panic attack happens. I’m not a parent so I might be off base in some way, but I think if I had a panic attack bad enough that I couldn’t handle an emergency with my pets, if I had a significant other that asked me to have a checkup with a therapist before being home alone with them again I would be okay with that

[@kearstinnekenerson6676]

And it’s hard to realize you are in the depths of postpartum depression till you really break down. It is tricky though when you don’t know the people

[@solsystem1342]

I think the condition might have been the sticking point. You can't tell someone who'se struggling with confidence as a parent "you're not ready." Maybe if he had talked like "I'm also anxious about our kids too. I was wrong to say the things I did but, I still think therapy might be an option if you're still dealing with anxiety.

[@KathrynwithaY]

@@kearstinnekenerson6676 exactly - that's why it might be better to talk to a professional. Not necessarily in a therapist role but getting expert advice might help

[@KathrynwithaY]

@@justtired2050 I agree. She definitely shouldn't feel insulted that her partner thinks she should see a specialist. I wouldn't be insulted. I'd know that my partner was genuinely concerned for me to be on my own for the first time in a while with my child. All parents need to put their personal feelings aside for the safety and sake of the children.

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

1st story: i agree with you YTD 2nd story: NTD This is such rude behavior. If friends this would end my relationship with them. Obviously being the fiancee's family complicates that. Since many waitstaff have to split tips a low tip can actually mean they pay for your dinner out of their pocket. I am on disability and I would never go out without budgeting a proper tip. Others have said a large party also increases tip. Some restaurants actually require including a tip in the check if 8 people or more are in a party to protect their waitstaff. As for re-addressing the relationship this affects people so much it is absolutely a character issue.

[@animeartist888]

I've definitely seen the signs for "Large parties will have a 20% gratuity added to the bill" in several places. I fully support that. Tipping culture in the states is horrendously out of control, but that's not the poor waitstaff's fault. If you can't afford the tip, you can't afford the meal.

[@maggpiprime954]

The $1 tip story: It's extra disrespectful, coz not only is the restaurant staff being disrespected (and OP), but his extended family, since that's his _uncle's_ business, and doubling back on OP that the boss would allow entitled family to diss his staff that way. There are _lay-ers_ to the disrespect. These people are being VERY deliberate with their message.

[@thomasc5439]

Glad a person pointed out how little servers make. Additionally I can tell u after decades in service industry, it’s almost unheard of for a server to get a raise. Prime work shifts are the “raise” one gets for experience.

[@annabrown3337]

You 2 are so adorable. So great to see different perspectives of race and parenting/childhood experiences come into the conversation... thank you for being so open, authentic and generally awesome 😘

[@celticphoenix2579]

Jamie calling it delulu is so delightful 😊. I typically say doo-lally-tap to mean the same thing. Or Penga which is a word I got from my mom to mean crazy. It is Shona and in the use we put it to, it referres to feebleness of the mind.

[@Monoprismatic]

"It's a boomer thing to say lol" Me, 40 years old, turning to dust. And regarding story two: NTD - because externally given confidence like that wanes extremely fast in stressful situations when the source of it isn't around and parenting is extremely stressful. The fastest and best way to build self-confidence in this kinda situation WOULD be therapy.

[@spoon1968]

Someone probably cover this already but... a server in that situation, might have had to PAY to serve that table in the end! A percentage is often taken of the entire bill that "should be" the tip. That is what's taxed, not the actual amount left depending on how the place is run. Servers also often split tips with back of house, food runners, and busers, based on perceived tip from the total. You can lose money on bad tippers and end up paying out at the end of the night, making nothing for your hours of work. It's an absolute trash system.

[@oliviaibriksz7355]

Breath holding spells are really common, I think most people I know experienced it a couple times with their babies. You can blow some air on their face and they usually come out of it, but even if they faint, is actually a good thing, because from that moment they resume normal breathing. But yeah if you've never heard of it, it must be very scary. I used to faint because of this up until I was about 6.

[@justcomments]

The first-time mother: I feel like she needs to understand that her own health is important to OP too. He can tell Mum that she will do a good job with the babies, but that he doesn’t want her to damage her own health in the pursuit of it. People are generally too scared of asking for therapy, even if it’s just telehealth it can be a help for many. Edit after Shaaba’s very good point about being ready: I wish therapy was less of a taboo subject, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal to ask for help. People could be ready to seek help sooner 😔

[@LunaTARDISFlyer]

idk what it us but I absolutely LOVE the intro to this series. it brings me such joy

[@ambriasaunders1869]

If I was dating someone, and they tipped like that, I'd break up with them immediately. Tipping that insultingly low is a massive red flag!

[@nyxstardust331]

First story: I think it's even worse when you realize her parents know they don't tip but never brought it up (It's okay to have a different opinion), guessing from the fear of OP not paying for their meal, so they decided to "tip" cause OP wanted them to but $1 cause they didn't want to. Third story: I would say NAH. It's better to be honest (in a nice way). Even if it means the friendship is going to end. I have had two friendships ending with the other person ghosting me and that's way worse than saying nicely that you grew apart and you no longer want to see them. That shows you care. People deserve closure (the relationship is ending) or honesty (you don't enjoy talking about babies and you don't have topics for weekly chats).

[@GoldenJayTime]

the thing about the $1 tip story is that. plain and simple, OP can choose to spend their money how they see fit. If they don't want to spend their money on people who are disrespectful to waitstaff, that's their choice. I'd do the same - if you want to eat with someone whos going to cover the majority of the bill, the least you can do is be respectful. Heck, I live in Australia where we don't have a tipping culture at all (my family sometimes try to tip at restaurants and the waitstaff look at them dumbfounded) and EVEN THEN if i had a friend who said "I'll cover the cost of the meal if you can pay the tip" I would tip at least 20% minimum, probably rounded up to $50 in this instance, just because that's the least I can do to be polite. Even without a tipping culture. Just because of the principle. Leaving a $1 tip is absurdly insulting, even in places without tipping culture. Everything else is just additional.

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

Leaving no tip or a $1 tip is so much worse than many people realize. Many restaurants have a policy of, in order to prevent the restaurant of being accused of tax evasion on tips, they deduct from the waiter’s base salary of 3-10 dollars or something about 2% of the sales before tip per waiter. So at the margin, when you do not tip, that jeans the waiter is paying tax for the privilege of waiting on you.

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

In many cases, about 10% of the gross bill also goes from the waiter’s base paycheck to bartenders, cooks. Etc. too., whether or not you tip anything.

[@RabidLemurProd]

When my mom pushed me into therapy, it was awful 😖 (she said she didn't know what else to "do about" me) I did it for myself years after. It's night and day.

[@Dzaeli]

I'm in the US and the $1 tip story, OP is 100% NTA. I've dropped friends from my life because they routinely didn't tip when we went out together, even on separate bills. If I found out someone didn't tip on MY bill without my knowledge, I'd be furious. Leaving $1 is extremely insulting and it reflects on the person covering the bill. The staff will remember them, and it's even worse at his family's restaurant.

[@auntlynnie]

1st story: I have 7 niblings that range from 18-25 years old. The oldest did the breath-holding thing as an infant. My brother just blew into his face to gently startle him into restarting his breathing (a soft reboot, if you will). He had the benefit of his wife being a nurse, so their anxiety was never too high.

[@auntlynnie]

Also, I really liked Shabaka take on this.

[@leleemcmurphy2246]

When I go out, I always double check w/ the person I'm w/ if Iam giving enough of a tip (math wise as I have a diff. tine calculating). What I love us when I am the one covering the meal, a lot of places have on the sceen when paying by card which percetile I wanna tip that makes it so I don't gave to figure out the math.

[@Mariethechaotic]

32:27 that was soooo cute Shaaba, just in the middle of a story telling him how much you enjoy doing the podcast with him.

[@kluuvien8204]

I work for the Ambulance service, we often get calls for first time parents experiencing breath holding, it's got to be very frightening, and we'd encourage any to give us a call if it happens, especially if they have lung issues. 99% of the time it's fine, but having someone on the phone just incase/as reassuring presence makes it easier to manage. Not sure this would apply in USA tho with the prohibitive costs. I do think the mother may need to seek further help (not necessarily therapy but some education) if panic was the response, as if something unexpected happened and she broke down in a life threatening situation it create problems. Don't think it should be a requirement however

[@GorditaGuerita]

The opening of this is so goofy and real and lovely ❤ Thank you both for a good laugh along with you I definitely needed this! Also also just got my copy of Jamie’s book and I’m excited for the book tour 😍

[@draechaeli]

Acronyms that predate texting that I can think of off the top of my head are ASAP and SNAFU. And I’ve at least heard ASAP said as the letters and A-Sap

[@shreyabooked9309]

39:05 My POC-radar were tingling as well, I was thinking the same too! 44:24 YES I KNEW IT TOO.

[@bambino05]

When I had my first baby, we were constantly at the doctors/A&E for every little issue (praise God for universal healthcare). It would freak me out so much if my baby got even a little sick or had a slightly higher temperature. I totally understand why she would be so anxious about her kids' health, especially when you consider the lung issue as well. While it is probably a good idea that she seeks help, it's not someone else's place to force someone to get help, he can definitely encourage it but can't give an ultimatum about it.

[@kristalpower292]

The wife is aware of her anxiety and was able to get help when she was in the middle of a panic attack. That should show her husband that even in an emergency situation her brain ensures the kids are safe. I don't see calling the father for help as a reason to judge her parenting. Twins alone is a challenge especially when at the hospital and you want to focus on the sick child and what the doctor says.

[@s.a.4358]

@@kristalpower292the issue is not how she reacted in that moment, the issue is that she doesn’t trust herself alone with her children anymore.

[@looc_96]

@@s.a.4358 But she does, she told him that she wants to start taking care of them by herself. He's telling her she's incapable. When she didn't feel capable to do it by herself she sought help from her parents, now she's feeling better she wants to go back to being by herself. I don't know if she's been to therapy before, but even after therapy you don't just not have panic attacks anymore. It's about gaining the tools to manage it, which the husband doesn't seem to understand since he was fine for her to only have one session. It doesn't feel like he understands how therapy or potentially anxiety works, she won't stop having panic attacks but will hopefully deal with situations well enough while they happen, which it seems like she did handle it

[@s.a.4358]

@@looc_96 I don’t think he thought one session would be enough, it was more of a “at least give it a try” type is reaction that is common when trying to convince someone. As you said, she won’t stop having panic attacks probably, which is why it is important that she does learn how to manage her anxiety, which there is no indication of. She says she feels better, but that is not the same as having developed mechanisms and tactics to deal with her issues. Also, these are just as much OP’s children and if he is genuinely concerned, he had as right to voice that. To be honest for me they both are the drama. OP for probably not voicing his concerns in the best way and making his wife feel bad, and the wife for not taking on board OP’s concerns for the children. Parenting is a shared responsibility and they need to work together, not against each other.

[@looc_96]

@@s.a.4358 That's fair, I guess I assumed the worst because he said he insisted on it. Which, like Shaaba mentions, isn't always the most effective method when approaching therapy since you need to put in the work; so, if you feel forced you're potentially less likely to be fully receptive to it. Yeah, to me I think in the same way the wife didn't have the healthiest reaction with her having a panic attack, I feel like the husband is overreacting just as much to her having a panic attack. But I've had very severe social anxiety all my life, so panic attacks potentially seem more manageable to me. I'd be a bit upset if my partner didn't trust me over one moment of weakness because I was unaware about a somewhat common medical issue that just so happens to coincide with an actual medical concern. I think my main problem is that he's not allowing her to be with the children by herself at all if she doesn't go to therapy, it just feels controlling to me if she thinks she genuinely doesn't need it, when she could always go back to her parents' if need be

[@KimPinelli]

For the tipping one, I think the cousin who told OP about the 1$ is a cousin of OP, not the Fiancée and he wasn’t part of the people not tipping, but part of the restaurant. He also said they‘d only tipped 1$ before, so seems like they go there often and the family always only tipps 1$, in which case it’s totally reasonable to say he‘s not doing it anymore.

[@noheterotho179]

Oof, absolutely needed to hear that last part about friendships 😅 friendships are important and losing friends sucks but sometimes you need to let someone leave your life and that's the best thing for you

[@heatheroberg6313]

My youngest child suffered from the baby fainting thing. The first time was absolutely terrifying and we were over an hour from medical aid. After the third time it happened we knew he recovered well and just kind of was a thing until he grew out of it. He would only pass out for a few seconds. And when he’d come to he was happy again. Turns out he’s slightly autistic. Don’t know if that may have had something to do with it.

[@fate4th]

"I dont blush im brown" same, Shaaba, same 😭