Is Tinder Keeping You Single?

[@wanderingrandomer]

Actually, "how to flirt/tell when someone's flirting" would actually be a good topic for a video. The concept baffles me, and I find it really hard to tell whether someone's flirting with me, or just being nice. I always feel creepy and gross when I try

[@mashenkaad]

Actually there's a video on this topic! "When Flirting Becomes Creepy…" it was uploaded a few days ago

[@asharsyed1370]

I have generally an advantage here because my technique is telling women my parents had an arranged marriage (the truth) so I have no idea what flirting looks like and quite often they demonstrate. It helps me get my bearings with a women and how into me she is. I generally try to enjoy myself and complement sincerely which somehow translates into flirting.

[@wanderingrandomer]

@@mashenkaad Oh, neat! I'm currently working through my Dr. K backlog

[@crokeyza-team7257]

I agree. Even like a link to something you find good would be great

[@MrQuantumInc]

Partly the problem is the word "flirting" is ambiguous, and a bigger part is that it usually means something where your level of interest is ambiguous. The classic example are double entendre's, which intentionally have two meanings. There is also a lot of times where people flirt by just being extra nice. There are a lot of people who want to gauge the other person's level of interest without making themselves vulnerable. They want to make a statement and only commit to one meaning AFTER they see how the other reacts. If their proposal is rejected they can save face by pretending they never proposed in the first place. These people got to write the definition of "flirting".

[@willk7508]

I’m a chronic deleter and redownloader of dating apps, and the thing that always gets me unstuck from them is reminding myself that I’m not actually browsing choices of partners, but the illusion of choice. It’s all smoke and mirrors to get you to waste more time on these apps and to keep you spending more money to try and find someone. It’s predatory, unethical, and kinda disgusting that these apps are coded as such tbh-even though it’s what people want, hence their implementation. /rant

[@notaburneraccount]

Yes to all of this! 👏🏼

[@Gigachad-mc5qz]

Thats the wonder of capitalism baby. Ethics get thrown out the window if you can make even a single cent

[@Gigachad-mc5qz]

@Thomas thing is our economic system rewards this behaviour. It doesnt matter what customers want, what matters is profits and this is the way to get it. I mean apple, nestle, john deete and microsoft are thriving despite providing shit services and/or making use of slavery to increase profit margin

[@lalakuma9]

Same, I'm thinking on just quitting permanently this time and try to find someone to date in real life. Hope I won't just give in and redownload again, because honestly the kind of people that I've met through dating apps are subconsciously not treating me like a real person, probably because they see their dates as "someone they found through internet shopping".

[@Ellionart]

@Lala as someone who quit dating apps for awhile I just learned to be ok being alone.

[@kaladin783]

“Successful relations aren’t about you finding the perfect partner, they’re about each of you becoming the perfect partner” Brother you deliver these wisdom bites so damn well

[@notaburneraccount]

Right?! I clapped when I heard that

[@muchozolf]

"If soulmates exist, they are not found, the are made"

[@КОМБИНАТ-т1ъ]

Quite bluepilled

[@biggiejerseysTV]

This is a mic drop type of line.

[@Nerobyrne]

@@КОМБИНАТ-т1ъ "reality has a blue-pill bias" 😎

[@nicolax_jaelob2406]

When Dr. K said "It's morbin time" I really felt that. Thanks for the advice as always 🙏🙏

[@TheActualDP]

it's Korbin time

[@JAM-rp6fi]

You know, I read this comment before getting to that part in the video and thought it was a joke, but then I got to that part in the video...

[@notaburneraccount]

Ohhh...I misheard it as "it's morphin time!" ⚰️🤣

[@JAM-rp6fi]

@@Mind_Crimes It's morbin' time

[@Chizypuff]

@@JAM-rp6fi same just scrolled back down to say this

[@jackmak2980]

When dating becomes a casino game then the house always wins

[@prismaticpaul]

I never set sail into online dating, but seeing as I'm 23 and still single, online dating has been on my mind lately because there just don't seem to be any places where a person like me could meet a potential partner. Soon enough I will graduate, but what gives? What can I do after my studies are over and most of the people are already paired up? To top it all off, online dating in my country isn't even that widespread, or so I believe, because there aren't many apps which are supported here. Regardless, I will watch this video to maybe help me decide if i want to even step into this world or not. Thank you for the content, as always.

[@S3verance]

I found that creating friend groups in places other than your classmates or childhood friends is a bit helpful. I recently took up volleyball, just going and talking to people until you find out who has a great vibe and then sticking to them more will get you not only some contact with women but also training in interpersonal skills. Which could help you get a successful date one day :) Keep in mind I'm still single too so huge grain of salt

[@phosspatharios9680]

May I interest you with the advantages of celibacy?

[@janushtexas]

@@phosspatharios9680 yes Please

[@Getz-Da-Chompy]

Tbh I'd say that you need to ignore all of the 'rules' around where you should and shouldn't try to find potential partners. Like, don't go up to random women in a gym and hit on them, but if you like them and happen to be speaking to them anyway don't be afraid to say 'Hey, I've been wanting to see [movie] lately - would you like to join me?' just because someone said not to try picking up women from the gym. Terminally online people don't have a hold on the fact that most people still find their long-term partners out in the wild.

[@GlitchPredator]

@@Getz-Da-Chompy actually fucking good advice! I am glad there are people like you on this earth!

[@delusion-1375]

I had 2 relationship from tinder and both ended up with cheating ... I still think that these apps are way too superficial and whenever the "honey moon" phase ends , they just move onto the next "best thing" , promoting the idea that there's always something better waiting instead of growing together

[@onnol917]

You think it was because of them or you? Any chance you could have seen this coming?

[@PsychoticBufoon]

Interesting. It kinda correlates to the general shortening of attention spans across society as a whole like tik tok’s popularity over long form content and stuff like thay

[@delusion-1375]

@@onnol917 I can't say I was the perfect partner , but I tried to be , whenever there was a problem/issue I tried or listen/understand, to help them as much as I could ... looking back onto the relationships I don't think I did anything bad , cause whenever I commit to a person I try to be my best self and it also motivates me a lot to improve and grow as a person. I was also very patient with both of them when things would start to "decline" and give them the benefit of the doubt whenever some issue would ensue. I always tried to communicate my "needs" or my feelings. I don't wanna throw the hate onto them for what they did , but if you are not happy with a relationship just communicate that and maybe we can sort things out. There's absolute no reason to cheat.

[@phosspatharios9680]

Wow, it's almost like I Kissed Dating Goodbye was right, or something

[@davidyang6074]

@@delusion-1375 the tinder hoes don't deserve you king

[@cmerr2]

I'm gonna give you a "yes - but" on this one Dr. K. A massive problem with all dating apps is - they're a BUSINESS. When you swipe, what you're actually doing is training an algorithm to learn your preferences. I know engineers who work at these companies - after about 100 swipes (maybe fewer nowdays) the algorithm KNOWS which way you'll swipe on a profile. Moreover it knows which profiles will swipe on you. Lastly it knows profiles you'll swipe right on who will ALSO swipe right on you. But back to the flaw - I'm a business. Am I EVER going to serve you profiles that you'll swipe right on who will also swipe right on you if you're not paying? Hell no. I'm going to give you profiles you'll swipe on, and once in a while I'll throw you a lower matched profile that you might get a match on to keep that dopamine hit. This leaves people feeling like they suck and having no matches when really the biggest issue is - they're just not paying the...$30 a month or whatever for the "ultra platinum". These apps are designed to make you feel like you suck so you have to pay them.

[@patnor7354]

The real problem is that girls only swipe right on the top 10% of hot guys. If you´re not one of them you are wastinmg your time. And if you are one of them your time would still be better spent chatting up girls in RL where your value will be seen as higher.

[@Nerobyrne]

This sounds like the perfect thing for a government to do. Governments are usually the orgs that fund things for which the profit motive is actually making things worse. Usually, market forces are pretty good at determining what the best product/service is, but in this case, it's the opposite. Also, governments are very much invested in creating more children for the next generation for a number of reasons. Private companies couldn't care less how many babies you have. Also it sounds like there's already tons of people who know exactly how to get matches. So, I really think that "state-funded dating apps" would be a great idea. EDIT: The government wouldn't even have to start from scratch. They could just buy some existing app that's failing, or offer them incentives to go non-profit. All we really need is a dating app that's ACTUALLY dedicated to getting people together, and doesn't have to worry about being profitable.

[@The_Reductionist]

...I paid the highest subscription for the big 3 apps - with extra for boosts etc. Still nothing. I saw it as an experiment and decided I would do it once so I wouldn't always wonder 'what if...'. So the above isn't always true.

[@wanderingrandomer]

I've never needed Tinder to be single, thank you very much!

[@maskedbadass6802]

Hey man, I posted on your other comment thread. I dunno if you genuinely wanted to some help, but I posted advice anyway because I remember how painful it was to go through high school thinking there was something wrong with me as well as the sense of relief once I was getting results. A lot of what Dr. K is saying is correct, but unfortunately he falls into the usual trap of vague advice like "just work on your social skills" while then saying "but don't do pick up" essentially turning people away from the only community that goes into any details about what one should do to improve their social skills. A lot of times, the people who struggle the most are either high iq/nerdy types or younger types because of issues like needing a deep analysis in order to "get it" and fear of getting cancelled/accused respectively.

[@wanderingrandomer]

@@maskedbadass6802 Yeah, I've been reading your comments. Thanks for the detailed advice!

[@nascentspace]

Still shouldnt go into the pickup artist community those guys are mostly grifters

[@poedottaviano6924]

Everything about a relationship is related to communication. Without that you will never have the relationship you want.

[@seraphlazuli6251]

I like the idea that I don’t have to be perfect or a finished product to try dating. I don’t expect that of the other person, and I love watching them develop and get better and happier as a person, but I always expect that I need to be a finished product to be good enough for someone to be interested in me. Another pitfall is, yes, work on yourself, try to understand yourself and what you’d love in a partner and what you can offer one, but don’t let working on yourself be all you’re ever doing and you never actually try to meet someone. Also, there are some things that aren’t possible for you to learn about yourself outside of a relationship/social setting, so going on a date and forming a connection is part of working on yourself, not separate from it.

[@thegritsch]

Interesting. I've used dating apps for about 4 years and stopped now, for various reasons. I've had about ~50 dates (maybe more, I can't remember all of them) and the most common pattern was: match, get excited, meet up, find out there's no chemistry, nothing in common, different communication style etc. go separate ways. Most of the time it was mutual, sometimes I saw some potential and tried going for a second date but ended up getting ghosted. And yes, I realize that most people never even get that many dates out of them. But to me it seems like these apps are a shot in the dark, cause you never know who you will really meet. And no, even voice messages and video calls don't change that. It might even be fair to say that dating apps are worse than cold approach since you at least get an in person first impression of someone, but cold approach is also still one of the worst ways to meet a potential partner, according to statistics. So that leaves us with the conventional stuff

[@nothere5508]

So... I should start hitting some pubs is what you're saying?

[@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986]

What is ‘the conventional stuff’ now? The most common way people meet now is online

[@celiohelder1]

Also curious about what is the conventional stuff

[@francescoardizzonicinema]

What is a cold approach? You mean saying “hey” to someone the first time I see them in public?

[@stealthiscool]

@@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986 Yeah and it's no wonder why people are having fewer relationships and less sex than at any point in the history of humanity, we need to go back to basics

[@NavyOU37]

Being secure with who you are is so important. If you are insecure about yourself, it shows. The other person will find that unattractive.

[@CoNsidEriTLuCKy]

One thing people don’t take into account is that if you were to meet someone organically irl vs on a dating app, you’d probably be more likely to date them if you met them irl. So while dating apps are fun to scroll on, it’s always better to try to meet people in person.

[@zizhuohe3504]

Dated a girl for six months and she kept saying my social skills are horrible and often hurt her feelings with words ( unintentionally). At the end I made a decision to break up with her. If I'm that bad then let me end the relationship. Later on my therapist told me that I should just try to communicate more with other people without the intention of finding a partner. By doing that I can practice my social skills.

[@HamHamT]

Cringe

[@niiskuneitiBANAANI]

What she said was probably right. Many men has terrible communication skills it will scare every woman away. Then they have this attitude "well if i am not good enough then fuck you" when they should just actually listen what she has to say and try to learn from it.

[@linojvni2038]

good on you man

[@christiansnaturestudio6599]

It's her loss

[@andiralosh2173]

Yeah saying critical things of people isn't helping. I think it's a balance, and people need to care when they hurt a partner

[@Fabled.-]

This one hit close to home... Great resource. I was in the camp feeling like something was wrong with me and people were ***holes too. Thank you.

[@AIandsuch]

Haven't even watched the video yet. Just wanted to say that I love these videos. Every morning I watch them and they truly get me in the greatest headspace. Just a sick fucking pep-talk every morning. I have been getting my life together over the last little bit and you've definitely been apart of that process, Dr. K. THANK YOU.

[@kenjoebu]

Agree with some points and disagree with some other points. I've been using online dating for about 10 years (have used Tinder and Grindr amongst a bunch of others) and have literally used Tinder since the first version and have seen the meta evolve over time. From my perspective, the unfortunate truth is that physical characteristics are what matters the most when using the app. People will just straight up swipe left/right on your profile based on the first picture so you really only have like 0.5 seconds to make an impression. The communication aspect only really comes into play when you have a successful match (and most people won't even engage in conversation even after matching). Another insidious thing about dating apps is that it gives the illusion of "plenty of fish in the sea" which is why people keep coming back. But in reality, I've noticed that I end up matching and chatting with the same pool of people regardless of what app I use because this subset of people are those we both have mutual attraction to each other (mostly based on physical characteristics). TLDR: my view is that physical characteristics is important as it gives you more options and gets your foot in the door. Then the rest is then up to interpersonal skills and compatibility of values

[@Geo-wc7jc]

Interesting how you said you matched with the same people across different apps, would have never expected that

[@QMS9224]

Yep great analysis by Dr k but since he's never really experienced the app personally there's a few things he missed. "and most people won't even engage in conversation even after matching" this part is so true. Your physical appearance is 95% of the reason you get matches, but anyone who has used it knows that most people are on there just for fun/boredom and you swipe and match occasionally but out of all my matches that I sent a message to only I'd say less than 10% responded and this is normal. I'm not bad looking either (in a long term relationship now) now so I can't imagine how bad these apps are if you arent at least a 7 especially for guys.

[@kenjoebu]

@@Geo-wc7jc Yeah. Even though some apps are marketed a different way, it's still ends up being the same people downloading them anyways so the users are still the people in your city (and I don't live in a small city either)

[@tyler.walker]

“I’ve been using online dating apps for about 10 years” Well there’s your problem

[@phosspatharios9680]

Looks aren't everything: they are almost everything.

[@phosspatharios9680]

"Most of the people who get married are under 6 feet. What the hell is going on?" They aren't meeting on Tinder.

[@Balloonbot]

Im 6'3 and always got less dates than my shorter friends. Where are all these height fetish women, show me please. Maybe im just ugly as shit.

[@phosspatharios9680]

@@Balloonbot There aren't really many women that care that much about height. The ubiquity of height requirements on Tinder exists for the same reason almost all employers have steep education and experience requirements for job openings: these requirements aren't actually necessary for the job, and sometimes they aren't even enforced by the job interviewers, they are just there to discourage the riff-raff from applying. The cases where the height requirements aren't just to discourage the insecure LVM from applying are cases of women with either really bad personality and a bad fit and bad lay for most men, or really bad dating experience and thus baggage that will make dating them a not-so-nice ride.

[@ericcruz7068]

@@Balloonbot No no no, I don't want to be mean, but like, that can't be real. Can it?

[@romanrules007]

@@Balloonbot I’m 6’2 and my 5’6 friend gets way more dates then I do. Probably because he’s more mature, got big muscles, makes cool art and is confident, so I really don’t believe this being tall is all that

[@nesciusplayground]

@@phosspatharios9680 There are many women that care about height , don't kid yourself. Especially if they just want to date casually.

[@BassedMike]

I feel like I got lucky with Tinder. After a few years of low success, girls not showing up to dates, then having a handful of first dates, I eventually met my current gf of 7 months. I’m the only guy she’s ever dated, and she doesn’t at all fit the “Tinder archetype”. She’s incredibly sweet, loyal, and caring. I also have a few friends who met their s/o on Tinder and have been dating over a year. It’s possible, but it takes work (but so does dating in the real world)

[@lucasgraeff5391]

You say you got lucky imediatellly after saying that you had years of low success and even people not going to dates. What?

[@BassedMike]

@@lucasgraeff5391 lucky to have met an amazing woman on Tinder. Dating regardless of using dating apps or being in person, can take years to find someone you really wanna be with

[@MixMeister5000]

Not to ruin your good vibes but 7 months is extremely early and the fact she hasn't dated other guys isn't necessarily a good thing as she may lack experience. But I do wish you the best of luck and I hope it works out for you !

[@BassedMike]

@@MixMeister5000 “lack of experience” really doesn’t mean much to me. The only reason why she hadn’t dated before was bc the last 2 year of high school for her were during Covid, and she leans fairly introverted. Plus, she my first “real” girlfriend. I had little flings before back in high school but never truly dated someone, so to an extent she and I are learning together

[@jouniosmala9921]

Previous experience for women correlates negatively with marital happiness for women. The issue simply becomes the fact that comparison kills relationships. And if she has several previous experiences to compare against then she can start to have an expectation that her partner has all the positive characteristics of previous experiences without the downsides each characteristic has. A woman without previous sexual experiences has an 80% chance of a happy marriage. A woman with 5 previous experiences has a 25% chance of happy marriage. I would recommend the book, "laugh your way to a better marriage" by Mark Gungor, for everyone trying to make it work long-term. It explains the differences between an average man and an average woman. I would recommend every couple should actually read that book together. If I and my ex would have read it early in our marriage we probably would have avoided the downward spiral. When I found the book which clearly explained our problems, she already was so emotional about those that she refused to read that book.

[@lntcore630]

I shortly want to appreciate Dr. K for the amazing content he has been uploading recently. I unfortunately can't join his Twitch streams, but seeing his the regular uploads and older videos is a highlight of my day, and an immensely rewarding learning experience ! Thank you for everything

[@EDALLSANT]

The problem isn't the actual date, it's that most men on Tinder or other dating apps don't get any, at all. So there's not even a chance to be yourself or any of the things he's saying. The reason why men focus on self improvement is not for women to stick around, but to barely get a chance to have a single date.

[@Victorgreat4]

its just a waste of time anyways get to know yourself and good things will happen. Nothing is free pleasure is pain in the end

[@espalier]

Preach brother

[@NigeloWalker]

Big facts

[@supertrollfaxnoprinter3329]

just take good pics bruh LOL owned

[@paulogaspar8295]

@@Victorgreat4 what if good things don't happen? Some people just don't have "good things" ever. It's more down to luck than people like to admit.

[@FelixSkura]

I feel like a Prada bag being sold at the flea market when I get on Tinder.

[@SomeBody-ce3gq]

Initial price: $2000 Tinder price: best offer of $10 😝😝 Yeah that describes the feeling!

[@notaburneraccount]

Lmao

[@Alieortwo]

😂😂😂

[@msbeecee1]

💯 💯

[@TheWiseFoxSpirit]

I understand that relationship success will greatly be influenced by my communication skill. However, when it comes to dating I can't even meet/match with people to practice said communication skill. I feel like Dr. K lost some perspective about the struggle to even get matches. For a lot of men even getting matches is difficult. I stopped online dating and pretty much dating as a whole when I would spend months worth of energy to get ghosted or people just giving 1 word answer from the get go. I know that if my pictures are better and if I make a better profile I might get more matches but at that point I just start to personnally become too self conscious and obsessive about every little thing and my personal hapiness goes to shit.

[@fridrik6]

"Practicing communication skills" doesn't need to be done on a date. Go to meetups, go play friday night magic or drafts, join a cycling club, go do anything involving other people and communicate with them.

[@leotardbanshee]

I would say if you can focus on making friends instead of matches you might be able to increase the network of people you can meet, and i think people who are introduced to you by someone who knows you can end up being pretty cool. A lot of my friends have started their relationships by being my friend and meeting people who were already my friends lolol.

[@TheWiseFoxSpirit]

@@fridrik6 No shit sherlock? None of what you said is wrong but I was talking specifically about online dating since its the focus of this video...

[@vincent78433]

this tbh. i've been on dating apps for years and i've been on 1 date in total

[@StarmenRock]

Thats because you want to look good for tinder instead of looking good for life. If you condition yourself like this, its obviously gonna be rough

[@mikerotchburns42069]

The problem is with dating apps in the first place. The type of people it attracts are those who are constantly glued to their phone and addicted to instant gratification. This probably also plays a role in Tinder’s sprint towards sex - people want the physical pleasure of a relationship without the emotional work. Join a gym, church, club, intramural sports team, ANYTHING that is in person. Get away from the industrialization of the dating market; it’s disastrous for the mental health of everyone involved.

[@onnol917]

Yeah, you want to find damaged women who fuel on one gratification hype to the next. Try online dating

[@tyler.walker]

@@onnol917 Oh fuck, is that my type?

[@onnol917]

@@tyler.walker if you short and feisty engagements, then yes they are your type

[@chrisd3637]

I don't necessarily disagree with you but the first sentence is a bit of a harsh judgement don't you think? There are plenty of people who use dating apps with the honest intent of meeting someone for a LTR and not just sex (plenty of my friends have). Dating apps are, sadly, now the most ubiquitous and easiest way to meet a partner, and as humans, we'll of course choose that by default, so it's not a surprise that you'll find ALL kinds of people on them. But I agree, I think the best way to properly meet and connect with someone will always be through in-person activities with a shared interest so it's not a completely cold encounter.

[@lukefrederick3548]

You cannot pick up women in a gym, everyone I've seen online has said it's incredibly rude. And women who participate in those groups (sports, hiking, clubs etc) are rarely single based on my experience, usually there with the partner or just taken. I don't blame them, if I joined a hiking group for example I probably wouldn't join if the members were all vying for my romantic attention. Simply put, dating apps are where 90+% of relationships will start in the modern day which makes it even tougher due to the mental strain of using those apps.

[@dennisjajablubb9984]

Pfffff, I don't need an app to keep me single. Iam an adult and can do that myself!!!

[@Lusc1nt]

exactly my thoughts

[@LeMagnifiquePetiteEspirit]

Noooo 😭😭

[@notaburneraccount]

singles uniteee

[@arvandor6820]

A very important subset of the communication thing, is conflict resolution. Both between each other, but also external problems as a team. VERY important.

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

Totally agree. More Dr. K content with details and a structure on this topic, like he did for setting boundaries, would be great.

[@philipstarris1469]

Just as Im feeling caught up in dating apps. Seriously the timing is almost always spot on.

[@katherinehemken5544]

I've seen a couple of people in the comments say something to the effect of "but if I can't match on apps, how do I practice communication skills?" But watch out: Dr. K did not say "practice dating". You can practice communicating everywhere, both online and offline! In fact, you sort of can't help not practice communicating, because you gain xp whenever you have any sort of interaction with a human, and often even when you are just consuming media or watch other people interact in public. A simple fact is that everyone gets better at communicating as they get older. However, this does not mean that you can't take steps yourself to speed up practicing your communication skills. I can't really help here by giving an exact guide, but being open to self-reflection and allowing yourself to make mistakes does help. Also, you can practice communication _and_ increase your chances of meeting a potential partner by getting engaged in more activities. Volunteering, sports, or game clubs are examples where you can meet a lot of people, with the caveat that you shouldn't do those things with the goal of meeting someone on your mind all the time. Do the quest for the content, not for the randomized loot, and things will turn out fine.

[@jojivlogs_4255]

but normal human interactions are fundamentally very different from romantic interactions. like you said ive been doing the former my entire life. normal conversations are ez clap. the problem i have is with flirting and being honest with my intentions. ive been kicked out of friend groups and bullied literally just for saying i liked someone. and sometimes people figure it out without me saying anything and the same thing happens how am i supposed to practice flirting when i disgust most women lmao

[@jojivlogs_4255]

@@Dimitris_Half there's obviously way more to it than that

[@jojivlogs_4255]

@@Dimitris_Half "just another human interaction" lmao as if they're all effortlessly easy

[@jojivlogs_4255]

@@Dimitris_Half doesn't really work that way when you have mental disorders. also it definitely does take some amount of effort because a lot of people noticed during quarantine that their social skills started to degrade.

[@jojivlogs_4255]

@@Dimitris_Half yes, to varying degrees depending on the exact situation. and each subcategory of conversation is it's own skill you have to develop separately. for example, i used to have a really hard time talking to service staff until i actively worked on it. now it's pretty easy.

[@AkiratheWhite]

Communication would be nice...If I could get even a single match in the first place 🙃 That aside, this video provides some excellent insight about the differences between measurable metrics and metrics that actually matter to the outcome. 🙏

[@notaburneraccount]

And then if you get a match, they don't respond 🥲 Yeah, it was very fascinating. Let's not forget that these apps are also about making money off people hoping that their chances of finding someone will be increased. :/

[@AkiratheWhite]

@@notaburneraccount Too true. These guys ain't running a charity, it's still a business at the end of the day

[@josef5636]

the amount of bitches you get will drastically increase the moment you get rid of that anime profile picture

[@zolte545]

The issue is that dating apps play by different rules and do place a disproportionate weight on things like height, attractiveness, and status because women have way more options on these apps than men and they need to swipe right on you before you can use your communication skills. This is why I’d recommend most men just meet women out in real life.

[@manumaster1990]

"This is why I’d recommend most men just meet women out in real life." but then you get called a creep! and they feel irritated or offended just because you talk to them! then there is the risk that you will be reported to the police for stalking even if you have only opened the door for her, and if you insist she invents a sexual violence that has never been committed! I don't know if you are aware of it but whatever happens in 99.99% of cases both the police and the court of justice give reason to the woman without the need for evidence.

[@willIsScoop]

@@manumaster1990 are you trolling or do you really believe all of that?

[@KurokamiNajimi]

It’s the same thing in person, personality isn’t gonna save you when there’s 0 physical attraction 99.99% of the time. We have our outlier stories of people who weren’t initially attracted to each other meeting but that’s all they are outliers

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

@@manumaster1990 This absurdly risk averse warped attitude is a self defeating belief. Newsflash: women are not systematically calling the police on men merely opening a door for her at some business. This claim of yours BS. This is just making excuses instead of growing as a person amd developing good communication skills. You can see Dr. K's other video on how to be less creepy as a start.

[@Balloonbot]

@@manumaster1990 The amount of men that rally together on the internet spouting this shit hurts to see. Like guys, even if you're not meeting dates, can you just speak to females? Friends? sister? Cousins? Girls on discord whatever just to humanise them a little bit. Through that you might find out that sexual harassment by men on women is way way more common than a woman making up a lie to get a man arrested. Yes its the minority of overall men thankfully - but its the truth, if you're not the guy doing that then great, you're doing fine as far as im concerned.

[@Hekinsieden]

One thing that I've noticed a lot of people do is the "Once/If I have ___ then ___". "Once I become a Doctor then women will want me." "If I buy this Guitar then I will get all the chicks." "Once I can move out of my parent's house then I will have all the girls over." This feeling that this X factor is a magic key that will instantly solve the issue and X becomes the goal instead of what you actually want. Then you're confused and angry when you don't get X despite doing/getting what you THOUGHT was the magic key to it.

[@TannerThePolak]

I'm in this boat but i cant get out of it. I have no confidence so i cant talk to people or leave my room. Im so lonely, jealous and frustrated all the time. I want to connect with people but I dont know how anymore. I have bad teeth like asmon in your profile picture but Im also in a lot of debt and live with my old man. I tell myself once my teeth are okay ill be able to have confidence again and get a life. To fix my teeth i need money. To get money i need a degree. I served my country to afford college. Im failing college cuz i have adhd, addiction and no confidence. My shortcoming means my father has to deal with me eating his food and living with him as an adult and i hate that.

[@LarzR]

How does one get out of this mindset?

[@eax2010EA]

Keystone concept towards accepting weakness

[@anima94]

@@LarzR luck and an open mind(open mind only so you get more chances to have luck)

[@notaburneraccount]

Yeah, there's value in doing these things beyond this far off hope that it will directly lead to attracting whomever.

[@NigeloWalker]

I can understand that communication is key for successful relationships. However, what Dr K is missing is that many people struggle with getting their foot in the door in terms of attraction. And i also dont think these dating apps have the goal of relationships..more so short term dating haha

[@Ignozi]

By many people that really just means men. Women do not really have many of these issues, if at all.

[@Bri-ns5rm]

@@Ignozi Lots of women (who I can speak for) date and marry unattractive men. On dating apps it’s not just the physical features, it’s the lack of quality in photos. Every man I met on a dating app looked better in real life and I took a chance knowing that most men take terrible selfies. Unflattering angles, grainy quality, etc. Asking someone to take nice photos of you can help tremendously whether your short, tall, fat, slim, big nose, small ears whatever. You also have to look confident! It shows when people don’t like how they look, particularly by not smiling, and that’s more unattractive than the physical makeup. And there are women who aren’t getting swiped on and a lot of times it’s the lack of confidence too. Why men think we’re different creatures is beyond me. Women may also be swiped on more but the nastiness in the messages is never worth the attention men assume we thrive off, that’s even if either person is confident enough to make the first move. Dating is hard for everybody.

[@NigeloWalker]

@@Ignozi true lol

[@Ignozi]

@@jacket2383 I don't think hate is warranted. I'm not a misogynist however I did grow up in the pickup artist/red pill space of the Internet when I was much younger and that's colored my perception of dating, for better or for worse.

[@Moose92411]

As someone who has been (mostly) happily married for over ten years, I don’t know that a week ever goes by when I don’t feel genuine relief that I don’t have to date any more. Holy crap it’s wild how bad people are at communicating and critical assessment these days.

[@rutgerhauser2377]

You checked out before social media made everyone goofy and needing for online validation.

[@Moose92411]

@@rutgerhauser2377 and I cannot ever forget how grateful I am for it

[@knubbis32]

I think the most important and easy to acknowledge part about dating apps is that dating apps have no interest in you keeping a long-term, healthy relationship. Quite the opposite, their goal is to make you spend as much money as possible on the app. If that means not even showing your profile to anybody in order to get you to buy Tinder Platinum or whatever, then that's what they'll do.

[@starchildtarot]

Yes so agree they dont want you to meet anyone as then they loose money I always think the profiles do not show of our true personalities its very generic

[@khaorix2667]

Ok, so the factors that dating apps allow you to filter for aren't correlated to success in dating, but communication skills will. I have two questions. One, if you are constantly being filtered by those factors, many of which can't be acted on (can't help being short or a minority) how do you even get to the interaction, which is where your communication skills even enter the playing field? Two, how do you even practice communication skills if you're being filtered by everyone? Do you practice flirting with your friends?

[@bagfootbandit8745]

Practicing flirting with your friends is honestly a good idea. I haven't found a solution to dating apps, except that getting off of them has improved my mood and self-respect a lot more. I also look for local in-person dating events. Not usually my bag, but I've learned to have fun in them at least. I'm testing out an idea of using the apps more as a "billboard" than an avenue for communication though. Basically saying "I'm not on this app, but if you see me in public, say hello!" Dunno if that'll help me, but hopefully it helps people approach others in person more and points out how broken dating apps are.

[@zumbur3499]

You go outside and talk to people. Easier said than done, I know. You can find a comfortable setting like a coffe shop you enjoy and go there regularly. Talk to people while you are there. If you start going there often enough they will probably start talking to you at some point even if you don't talk to them. Same as doing some hobbies, sports or joining activities. You can pick something you like doing (or would like to start doing) that gives you the opportunity to meet new people. And no, you don't need to flirt immediately. Just small talk. Get to know people first and experience who they are. Communicate honestly and express your feelings if, when and how they arise. This is where the practice comes in. You will make mistakes and that is fine. They may also make mistakes and that is also fine. Give yourself and them some sympathy and take it one step at a time. No one is perfect. And just to clarify I am in the same boat and I am giving you advice based on what I am doing. I never tried dating apps and don't think I will. Last year I came out of a 7 year long relationship. It's been 8+ years since I was doing the things I wrote above. It sucks and it's rough sometimes, but I have given my number (as a guy) to a few women I was interested in. I haven't met someone I would like to start something with yet, but finding someone new to talk to is beautiful enough. Keep it simple and enjoayble. You got this, champ! P.S. I don't know why I felt the need to write so much info, I guess I felt some frustration in your comment and projected my own struggles into it. Whatever.... We got this, champ! :D

[@javi7636]

Communication skills are broader than just flirting and apply to all kinds of relationships. You can practice things like active listening, setting and enforcing boundaries, and sharing your interests, with friends, family, and so on. When it comes to dealing with getting filtered, unfortunately it's mostly out of our control. But if someone decides you aren't worth talking to based on appearance, they were very unlikely to treat you well anyway and you're not missing out on anything.

[@MrPrankmastergeneral]

dude , just be tall and good looking, It's that simple.

[@phosspatharios9680]

1) Go to a venue where you can't be as easily filtered out without any interaction. I'm too "not like the other girls" to recommend hobbies, so I'll recommend churches (and actual conversion to Christianity, at that) 2) In my country, there's this old saying: "Whoever has a mouth can go to Rome". It means that you can achieve anything if you have general communication skills. That said, you don't need to learn romantic communication skills, neither "how to talk to girls". You just need to learn to talk to people in general and then you'll naturally figure out how to talk for romantic ends. If you try to artificially develop a romantic language, you'll have as much success as PUAs have outside of their doctored promotional videos with hired actresses pretending not to be disgusted at them.

[@SimGunther]

The culture has focused so much on "measurables" like golden ratios, salaries, and jawlines instead of social/soft skills that you could elevate yourself VERY quickly in your life and career as you embrace the "friendly neighborhood therapist" persona that's in all of us. Some neurodivergent folks can "lift" in their social skills with proper guidance AND practice (not one or the other), but others will just focus on other things that give them satisfaction like hobbies and their career. Either way, I'm happy with their decision and I hope they lead themselves towards a good life even if that doesn't mean having the storybook ending we are all expected to pursue.

[@dcard228]

Because the measurables are what people see which is what gets their initial interest. In reality, they matter the most because without them you have no chance to even start.

[@ImDino]

One thing that's good to know. Tinder for example makes you invisible if enough girls swipe left on you. My friend re-registered as bisexual to make guys swipe right on him so more straight girls can see his profile. This is really sad.. that's why I match with a few cute girls the first day then it goes downhill FAST.

[@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow]

Lying about being bi 🙄

[@therealdoc]

Dude... that's fucking bullshit.

[@DeadCat-42]

I set up a tinder account, started swiping. All, %100 of the women were ether , bots, onlyfans prostitutes or morbidly obese. Mostly the latter.

[@YuniX2]

Love this title cause I met my fiance on tinder, haha. Although I will admit, I found success not by looking at profiles but looking at his picture, going "He's in a renfaire hat, we have common interests. So if there's no chemistry we'll still have something to talk about and I won't be bored for 2 hours." So I was focused in the conversation from the get go.

[@chillipowder0169]

It's just doesn't seem worth the effort when you have good pictures, and a bio that's actually funny, but you still struggle to get likes and matches. The way I see it, it's likely far easier to make connections and get to know people in person, as opposed to a dating app such as Tinder. As clichéd as it sounds, Tinder places a lot of importance on first impressions, on both sides. You somehow have to say everything about yourself in a number of characters. It's very different to striking up a conversation and getting to know someone organically, if you know what I mean. Tinder has basically turned dating into a popularity contest and a beauty pageant all into one. Bios of course matter, but when you put effort into your bio and images, it puts a huge dent in your self-worth, and frustrates you if it doesn't work. In an ideal world, Tinder would be perfect for meeting people, but psychologically, it doesn't seem very fit for purpose (for all genders).

[@Balloonbot]

So much of any dating is looks. People will think its really romantic when their grandad says things like "I saw your grandmother across the ballroom and she was the most beautiful girl there that night, i went and asked her for a dance and the rest is history" so if Granny weren't hot you wouldnt be around to hear the story honestly.

[@redeoghan]

You make a lot of good points but the sad fact of these apps is that if you can't beat women's filters you don't get to practice your social skills. I think it's understandable that people focus on these things because the probability of a relationship with someone you can never even match with will be always be zero. Honestly think at this point the healthiest thing for men to do is uninstall the app and wait for things to change.

[@Soma2501]

Do we really have the luxury to wait?

[@hughmogus7137]

@@Soma2501 Well, I guess we should instead try to meet people irl

[@blakephotographytexas]

Dating apps do not do any justice for people without social skills at all. In general you will have way more success if you sign up for activities or actually do things and work on developing those skills with actual people and throwing away the apps.

[@wanderingrandomer]

Trust me, waiting doesn't work, either

[@Soma2501]

@@hughmogus7137 You're absolutely right. It's a work in progress though because I've moved states and can't hang out with friends as often. Also job searching, interviewing, etc. I am going to the gym regularly but everyone just goes there to workout so I'm thinking of joining clubs like volleyball if I can find them closeby. IDK what else to do or how I can actually start a conversation without being forceful unless its around some activity so I can talk about the objective. Otherwise, I'm stuck grinding until I move.

[@YoLyrick]

This was a “breakthrough moment” video for me. Dr. K put a significant problem in my life another way, and I got that “ah-ha” moment. Damn, I needed this advice ten years ago. 🥺

[@focusfernand0]

I completely agree with these sentiments, however, I also believe it's difficult to improve on communication if your primary problem is getting enough matches to work on these skills.

[@Scorpionicus]

So dating success is based on interactions. I'm not sure how helpful this is when I almost never get any matches (aka getting visually rejected), meaning there isn't even an opportunity for any interactions.

[@PsychoticBufoon]

Interact in the real world. Learning how to communicate with people other than romantic interests is also viable practice ie co-workers and acquaintances. When’s the last time you made a friend that you haven’t already known for a long time? Practice communicating without romantic intent and it’ll make interacting with romantic intent much easier. Also I’m so many cases simply getting off the app is the best course of action. Don’t let it bring down your self esteem

[@anima94]

@@PsychoticBufoon I somehow believe this advice is probably true for most people, but absolutely not for me. Making lots of new platonic connections with women over the years didnt make a difference at all, romantic interaction is fundamentally separate from regular interactions, they just share some qualities

[@PsychoticBufoon]

@@anima94 totally fair. My thought was mostly based on the over reliance on online interactions to form relationships which are inherently harder to form deep bonds. At least in my experience

[@MrMrtvozornik]

Don't bother with apps, simple as. Go outside, meet people in things that allow them to check out your vibe. Go sign up to dancing class, or language class. Once you are forced to be there, looks aren't only factor anymore. No healthy relationship will grow from Tinder.

[@omarcomming722]

I love Dr K but I feel this video has been going in circles about an idea that was explained well in the first few minutes. People focus on external box checking stuff because they know how to do that, it's hard work but it's at least doable and has direction. Even after this video I have no clue how to work on flirting and communication skills as someone who's very socially anxious by default, and it's not like there are any non-toxic sources on how you can progress in these areas. Also, while superficial bullshit may not correlate with relationship success, it does correlate with matching/hooking up success rate, which is for many people the only thing they can hope to achieve from dating apps. Communication skills aren't gonna do shit for you if you can't ever match with someone in the first place.

[@notaburneraccount]

I think that the _box style_ format to these apps kind of block people from getting matches. Sometimes people's bios also need help. Either there is no bio, it doesn't say something about the person, or can come off wrong to some. I see reddit posts of people asking for pointers on their bios and what they have to say is interesting.

[@user-gz5ez1vo4g]

I never get matches so don’t even get a chance to communicate with anyone.

[@TannerThePolak]

I dont even have the confidence to take a picture of myself to put on tinder lol. It's so scary putting yourself out in the world idk how people do it

[@WeskerFoda]

You need therapy. Like seriously......

[@TannerThePolak]

I am in therapy :)

[@bluey1007]

@@TannerThePolak Do some looksmaxxing or sum

[@Ardorstorm]

Nah that’s a mood

[@masternate2567]

I dont even get interactions most of the time. I have had guys and girls say im a solid 7 or 8. And get barely any interactions attemps, and as a expariment swicthed my profiles to seekimg men and went from 2 - 3 matchs or likes a week to having 50 plus on each app i tried. I find women to have higher standards online vs in person. And for the most part dont struggle with convo's just small talk before getting a fun or passion driven topic.

[@JDkonsult]

The primary function of Tinder is that Tinder's entire business model is built on you staying longer on the app and purchasing their services. Tinder doesn't make money if you meet someone and leave the app."

[@UT91490]

I don't need help when it comes to dating since I'm a very outgoing person who puts myself out there. However, I still learn so much and can self reflect on the things that I've learned to still become a better person than who I was yesterday. Dr. K is awesome and his incite is very appreciated.

[@MultiRomyl]

Ok Dr. k talk talked about WHAT makes a relationship successful, not HOW to get in to a relationship in the first place. And I think that is the question that most people are interested in. Also, we are specifically talking about dating apps here, which are inherently superficial. You can have "the best communicator" in your bio, but unless you don't have hot pics, or somehow convey that you have a lot of wealth, or good social status, you will not get matches. And this applies 10 fold to men. So having a good paying job, a good physique, and funny bio will definitely get you more matches, because that's what girls see. You cannot convey that you are good at communication in your profile. Which I understand is a flaw of the app. But that's the game we have to play.

[@phosspatharios9680]

"You think the world is terrible" >Implying it isn't

[@viewnet1]

Thanks!

[@ondrej1893]

Some guy asked for stats from Tinder and over several years, I believe he had like one real date. If you can say hi and give a compliment to stranger and ask them if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you are way more likely to succeed. Plus, it’s healthy for your psyche and makes you grow. Tinder is like 2 days old pizza.

[@GuvernorDave]

25:15 this is utter bullshit, men aren't demanding "instagram models" or things like specific height on dating profiles. Literally all the 'filtering' through profile demands is done by women. Makes sense, they have all the choice and options on dating apps. To state that this is a two-way street is completely disingenuous.

[@leandroteixeira33]

He is talking about relationships. Guys are as picky (if not more) than girls when choosing who they are willing to have a commitment with.

[@wildeskompositum9556]

@@leandroteixeira33 guys are more picky than girls? What kinda crack are you smoking my dude

[@GuvernorDave]

@@leandroteixeira33 He isn't talking about relationships in this part I linked. He's talking about dating app profiles. Sure, when it comes to commitment, guys are in the drivers seat but not the initial 'filtering' process in dating profiles.

[@insidiousplayer1589]

Vid: comes out 7 minutes ago People: yeah, I watched the whole video 3 times, here is my essay based on that video

[@Brave_SJ]

A lot of us watched the original stream on twitch

[@touch--]

@Biri Biri vid comes out 38 minutes ago Someone decides to criticize a funny comment and says they are fishing for attention and virtual likes. Ironically that's exactly what this person is doing and their criticism of the humor is quite embarrassing. Only 38 minutes after the video is released and people are already making a fool of themselves, not being intelligent enough to understand the irony that they are so clearly playing into.

[@insidiousplayer1589]

@@Brave_SJ aha, I saw it like this because I forgot he has a twitch

[@insidiousplayer1589]

@Biri Biri vid comes out Reply on a person's comment about his problems and say that his problems are not interesting

[@ExtraTurtle]

Im lucky to have many friends who fit in the "criteria" of a succeeding in dating or not, and seeing that it doesn't actually matter. For example, I have a friend who EVERYONE thinks is SUPER hot, but he has trouble finding partners. That's because his communication skills are not as good as he might want them to be, and he doesn't act as himself, he tries to "play off" as being "cool". Another friend is 5'7 and doesn't look THAT amazing. however he just knows how to speak to people, he doesn't care what people think and is just himself. He always tells us about new dates on the apps and we're always amazed at how he does it.

[@frishter]

The irony is that dating apps make more when you don't find a perfect match.

[@davidjakab4836]

Checking boxes is obviously important because on a dating app that is the only thing that influences whether you get to interact in the first place. For people with unchecked boxes and subpar facial bone structure this invalidates any possible advantage communication skills can give.

[@ejemoxmox22]

I've found that speed dating can help sharpen skills related to interaction. It can be scary to try, but helps so much in working on soft skills. Also, it's low pressure and time limited; a lab to practice interaction against various random people. If it is offered in your city, highly recommended.

[@Balloonbot]

Im 31 now and without dating apps i might still be a lifelong singleton. I'm generally an introverted guy, i get along with people but dont like going out on a frequent basis. In my early 20's i even made the extra effort to do so, with "maybe i'll meet a girl" always in the back of my mind. I never really did, and even plucked up the very occasional courage to ask out bartenders and the regular coffee shop girl that often served me. Only a few rejections made me stop trying completely. I took the plunge into dating apps - which i was initially against as i thought my looks wouldnt carry me and guess what - they didn't, but its much easier to be persistent sending messages or swiping on an app, especially when i spend a lot time on my own. Eventually i met my first GF on there and since then i've only dated two girls who i met outside of the apps. My match rate on these things is still suuuper low, maybe 1/100 - and btw im 6'3 guys! So height clearly isnt everything, and even then most of the dates didnt go anywhere, but the ones that did go somewhere is when i didnt have to try, i spoke to them like i would with a colleague/friend i get along with male or female.

[@dcard228]

I'm 25 and have just completely backed out and no longer care. If it happens, cool. If not, cool.

[@thomasstanhouse6224]

Wow! This gave me new perspective. I mostly knew about this information already, but I haven't been able to piece it together with reality until now.

[@denlev_view]

Me: So how do I get into relationship? Doctor K. : That's the neat part, you don't.

[@zander8347]

I tried for months... it just ruined my already low self esteem and deleted it. Would rather die alone that use a dating app again

[@HamHamT]

True I just play wow to numb the pain

[@zander8347]

@@HamHamT yeah i watched a video of some handsome looking dude with good job and all that doing a tinder experiment. In few months he did something like 15k swipes, got 250 matches or so and was able to go only on 3 dates which led to nothing. Average men shouldn't even think of using tinder

[@RogueEva]

only thing i'm not willing to compromise are 'don't want kids' and 'looking for short time relationship/fun' people as we're searching for completely different things in life imo

[@Brave_SJ]

Do people really go on tinder looking for more than a one night stand? I thought it was basically set up for casual sex, hence swiping left or right based purely on someone's picture, i.e. their physical appearance.

[@RomnysGonzalez]

Nowadays Tinder is being use as Instagram. People install the app and use it to boost their confidence seeing "All the people who like them". ANd making them feels like they got a choices of dating someone extremely attractive. Nobody is using Tinder to actually meet and talk with people anymore who destroy the whole purposse of the app. The One Night Stand is not even a thing anymore, at least is not as usual as before. I was a "successful" Tinder user and i stop use it because the reasons i just told you above. Too many people who don't want to meet up or interactive, too many people looking for just friendship and too many people not wanting the One Night Stand anymore. Just a bunch of people just wants to feel like they got millions of choices at their hands

[@jeroenslaghout]

I guess so, I am married to my Tinder date now 🤣🤣🤣. But more serious, 99% on there are superficial people. I just got REALLY lucky.

[@alexong2542]

yup, I'm one of the very few hoping to use it to meet someone for a long-term stable relationship. First off, I don't have many friends, so I don't know how to meet people. Secondly, I'm not good at asking out the people whom I've met in real life, because every time when I meet someone new, I'll always put them in the "friends" box. This is how my social system works. Once I put you in a box, you stay there, you can't be moved to a new box, which is why I never date anyone that I've met before. I only date those whom I've never met before because I've already established the fact that I'm online with a purpose, I'm not on the app to "make friends", I'm there to meet someone with the potential to be my life partner. I have a very peculiar system in how everything operates in life, and I prefer it to stay that way. Oh yes, and I have Asperger's, I just turned 30 and I just started dating. In other words, I have the dating knowledge and skills of a high schooler, even though I'm 30 years old. Unlike most people who have been practicing dating since high school, I just started in my 30s, and it feels like everyone has certain expectations from me. And since I've failed to meet those expectations, there have been some women who told me that I shouldn't date and that I'm just wasting women's time. I was even told by a date that I have nothing to offer a woman. To be honest, that actually hurt, and I actually doubted my own worth because even though I've never been understood by anyone in my life, imagining that I might be alone in my final moments, I'm kinda scared now

[@kaga13]

That was the original point of the app and people certainly use it for that, but it's also more generalized now, people go on for relationships and meet marriage partners there as well.

[@FedThePoopy]

Most of my really good friends where I currently live are from Tinder and my best friend in the world is a former Tinder match. I think a lot of swipes might start on physical appearance but I think it's a huge misconception that's all that people are looking for

[@BuzzLiteBeer]

The core piece that completes the package might be interpersonal skills, empathy, and vulnerability, but people won’t give you a chance to demonstrate that unless that package comes in a nice gift wrap (looks, money, status).

[@Balloonbot]

Its funny how many people say that - so why aren't all these people who dont care about looks getting together? I think some people are being hypocritical to be honest. They see an attractive person and think "Oh, all they'll care about is looks" - but you're into them because they looked good in the first place, then make up a story about them if they dont match with you.

[@Straga_Severa]

@@Balloonbot Good story, but no. Nowadays even ugly girls have ridiculously high standards, this may be easily proven by an experiment I have done myself - wrote an app that randomly swipes left or right. The response rate was still abysmal compared to when I was picking the person myself.

[@iknowyouwanttofly]

I used to think a little bit like this but I have changed my mind. Wanting to be attracted to a person that is going to be the only one you have sex with for the rest of your life is reasonable. Its also reasonable to want them to find you hot. So its not about being fair like objectivly hot people should date objectivly hot people. objectivly ugly people should date objectivly ugly peoole. No, its completely not relevant how hot others find them. End game is feeling so lucky to have find someone so hot even with all ones flaws and them feeling the same. So the ugly girl with unreasonable standards are not unreasonable. She might have a harder time than the objectivly attractive girl but so what? Not trying to say that only looks matter ofcourse.

[@ghin780]

I had a lot of trouble dating because I had no idea why anyone would want to date me. I always get really suspicious when people talk to me because I assume they want something from me or are trying some scam. It took me a long time to believe that someone would just... like being around me.

[@eternedit]

Same thing

[@linojvni2038]

hope you are working on your confidence brother good luck

[@msbeecee1]

Me too ...

[@Ignozi]

One thing I've noticed in regards to dating in general is that when a relationship goes south, a bad breakup happens for example, it's mostly the man that's messed something up or made a mistake or could've done better. It's all on him if he's fucked up in some way. When women share breakup stories with others it's always "you were too good for him, he didn't deserve you" or "his loss, you're better off without him". When men share breakup stories it's mostly stuff like "well, did you listen to her needs? did you do x, y, z?" or "how did you come across, were you socially awkward, did you come across like a normal person, etc". I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to feel a tinge of bitterness at dating dynamics in general. I know that nothing will change in a 1000 years and things will always be like they are but it doesn't help the frustration from setting in. It is true that my early life experience was corrupted by pickup, dating coaches and reading loads of red pill material but I can't seem to get past that frustration zone. I can't be free.

[@HamHamT]

Cope

[@Ignozi]

@@HamHamT ?

[@dcard228]

Oh yeah, it's always the man's fault no matter what. There's a complete refusal to put any responsibility on women.

[@scuzyprod.1611]

i suck at communication skils, but i really dont know how to improve them. and i genuinly feel it is more to it than "just get out more". i think luck is involved, to some degree

[@Vegan_Kebab_In_My_Hand]

Your mind is amazing at providing you with excuses.

[@tnsrs2719]

At the end of the day with dating apps you being single is the product

[@S3verance]

As a medical student: No, it doesnt help when dating LMAO

[@notaburneraccount]

Ngl, I think docs are hot lol XD sorry it hasn't been helping...f for respects

[@zebnemma]

Well there's a stereotype that people that have sacrificed their social life for education for so long it's no wonder they don't know how to flirt, or date, like at all. I have encountered doctors that are close to my age that were super cute and seemed like very dateable people too but I have no idea if that would be true beyond just first impression.

[@ponternal]

Thats because of your name

[@S3verance]

@@ponternal ?

[@mda5392]

I mostly agree with what you’ve said about the filters- filters should be used as a “dealbreakers filter” rather than a “preference filter” E.g. it is actually a dealbreaker for someone to hold particular political views. This obviously isn’t and shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for everyone, but I know it is for me. However height and age is mostly a preference not a dealbreaker, and I found a very successful relationship by expanding just one year up from my “preference”! That said, expanding in the other direction would be a dealbreaker..

[@samsandwich211]

I've never ended up with someone I met online. I've only ever dated people I happened across in person because we ended up getting to know each other and build a relationship before dating

[@notaburneraccount]

Omg same! I've only ever gotten into relationships with people I met through school. And now...I'm sol lol

[@PsychoticBufoon]

I’ve been in a successful relationship for 6 years now, and I’ve found that being with someone who is practically the exact opposite of you is much better if both sides are willing to listen and grow. Yin and Yang is a very real and far reaching concept. I had dated someone very similar to me for a while and we bugged the shit out of each other because we saw the things we didn’t like about ourselves in each other.

[@PsychoticBufoon]

@@joeyondakeys that’s totally fair. Just giving my experience

[@phosspatharios9680]

I have never ever seen a relationship end because the involved parties are too compatible. And then, how many marriages end because of "irreconciable differences" again? I get the feeling that you only have your relationship because neither you nor your SO are properly firm about your opinions and stances. In my book, this is a personal flaw.

[@wwaxaww5090]

@@phosspatharios9680 jeez way to pass brash judgement on a relationship you have no real perspective on in the comment section of a mental health channel

[@manumaster1990]

meh...

[@PsychoticBufoon]

@@phosspatharios9680 lol no, we are successful because we have complimentary traits and we respect one another . She has OCD, I have ADHD. She helps me stay clean and on time, I help her stay in the moment and not be too anxious. Compatibility does not equal your SO being your personality twin.

[@Ultraempoleon]

So what Im hearing is, I'm actually absolutely fucked

[@SomeBody-ce3gq]

😂😂

[@giserson2]

A few issues: You focus on the quality of the relationship. The thing is that a lot of people don't focus on relationship quality, they just want the most attractive person possible (if they're even thinking of long term relationships at all). Meeting checkbox requirements is still important because of the above, so you need those things to get your foot in the door (for an example if you're

[@MrMrtvozornik]

So don't be one of those people that focuses on wanting the most attractive person possible, because that's the most monke shit you could do. People who do that have intellect of an amoeba.

[@Gigachad-mc5qz]

Dam im a man with autism. Imma die alone definetely

[@FitLovejoy]

I get everything you're saying about relationships and dating. I only use dating apps for one purpose: Getting a date to start the inter-personal interactions, because I do quite well from that point onwards. Where the apps fail me is the first step: Getting a match. I've been using dating websites and now apps for over 20 years and on average, I get one match a year. I get far more dates in bars and clubs by comparison. Oh... and my only criteria in dating apps that is hard is distance: Same city. I've experimented and discovered that faking my height is the only criteria that has an effect on my matches. Taller = more matches by orders of magnitude. This means I'm fighting the criteria filtering of women - which of course I have no control over.

[@JustDevon]

I met my wife on Tinder. But it took 5 years and lot of extremely weird first dates to get there. So it can work out, but be prepared to have a struggle.

[@memebro3181]

If you met your wife on Tinder, your painful journey just began.

[@rockyino99]

5 YEARS of that mental torture app? god damnn, what a fucking sigma grindset. props man

[@notaburneraccount]

Sisyphus level struggle lol

[@azmike3572]

But in online dating, to get to "the interaction" phase to use our communication skills, we still first have to have someone respond. And they're responding to what they see in our profile. So we're back to square one. Can't force them to respond.

[@lumenia5296]

my face is keeping me single lol

[@FundedScalper]

My inexperience is keeping me single. 45 yr, financially independent, 6 ft tall, 170 lbs slim. Can't get a match on Tinder let alone chat to someone. My life without friends is boring, so I don't have much to offer. Women just want to be entertained, IMO.

[@donnypasta5260]

Lol same

[@Chizypuff]

Did Dr. K just say Futa Male Can't wait for that to get used in one of the out of context remixes

[@zioMav89]

Oh come on Doc, of course "you can do it", point is that none in existence wants to do it with you. You can postulate the possibility of the person who chooses you even if this person will never come to existence in the first place. The point you said in another video "no guarantees".

[@stormwings3236]

When did "no guarantees" equal "absolutely no way"?

[@phosspatharios9680]

@@stormwings3236 because some people interpet "no guarantees" as that "so you're telling me there's chance?" meme

[@zioMav89]

@@stormwings3236 In the vast majority of cases.

[@phosspatharios9680]

"(...) the possibility of the person who chooses you (...) will ever come to existence in the first place" That's what Waifus are for, mah dude. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

[@MrMrtvozornik]

@@stormwings3236 Goes hand in hand with his video about Acceptance vs Learned Helplessness, people just don't wanna try and fail, so they choose to be black pilled to save themselves the pain of rejection.

[@TitusVI]

This is what i have realised. Since i try to improve my communication I have way better success at dating. Important is also that you need to want to communicate. Because if you dont enjoy communicating you will not be on a level with the girl. Like nowadays I spend my time imagining what could make her laught? then i send her a message or something. But for many years of my life I didnt want tocommunicate at all. I wanted to play videogames. And as dumb as it sounds the moment i decreased my video game adddiction and had practised the thought of communicating things got better.

[@Jazzmaster1992]

In some ways I think Tinder just exists as a consequence of human behavior, and puts the harsh reality of sexual selectivity on display. Sure, we can say it "encourages" people to be even pickier about shallow, superficial traits, but at the same time, people will make snap judgements based on surface level traits even in the real world. I've struggled with Tinder pretty much forever, and it gave me the impression I pretty much have nothing to offer and that's the real reason I'm single; I don't think anyone would "swipe right" on me in person. I hope I'm wrong, but who knows.

[@kaga13]

Even people in the most 'healthy' and 'successful' relationships are in them for shallow reasons to varying degrees

[@the11382]

Half agree. The way dating works due to dating apps, women look for the top 20% of men and those men either have partners or are looking for a hookup. This makes everyone feel like the odds are stacked against them. Plus, a dating app wants you to continue dating, not find your ideal match. I thought there were studies of this.

[@justincaldwell8954]

Soft skills aren’t emphasized enough. Your profile could be crap, but in the real world soft skills can spark the entire attraction. Soft skills are more important than people mention. Especially in the manosphere

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

what value does that kind of outlook provide you with? there's no path forward there, man. if your problem is people making snap judgements about others, then evaluate the people around you to see who makes snap judgements and who's more understanding. if you don't find anyone who's understanding, you probably have to go outside your usual scene. just maybe don't do it on a dating app, those are designed by nerds to match data objects with collections of variables to each other and they can't capture all of the weirdness of human interaction. talking to people online is still an option, just stay out of the dating app bubble

[@vincent78433]

what ur missing is the the fact that most people on dating apps don't have/don't maintain successful relationships. those people do exist but they aren't representative of the majority

[@juliann4592]

As someone who used to give dating advice and had great results using apps, I wish Dr. K had discussed different types of apps more. I think he was focused on the apps where you have to match first before any communication takes place. Tinder for example, promotes the surface level check box criteria because you have to do it just to talk with others. Luckily there are other apps where that's not the case. They aren't perfect but it's better than making decisions solely off of photos. Also, apps are just tools to meet up with new people, and shouldn't be thought of as more than that. It's easier to think of it in steps. First you make a match. Then you communicate with each other. Then you have to facilitate a meetup. That's where the app ends. It won't form a relationship for you. Maybe Dr. K's critique was the matching system, but he should have highlighted that more. I think some of the apps can be great tools if used properly: with an open mind and a lot of patience.

[@RobinTheBot]

I keep telling people this!

[@LarzR]

What apps would you recommend using with this mindset? I always thought Hinge was the better place to go for this type of stuff

[@ridleywright]

Right, this certainly isn't the topic he's the most informed and it shows. I was also kind of shocked at how in any point did he mention that these apps are a business, and as such, their main motivation is generating money, not actually generating successful dating. Also another reason why for the vast majority of guys it will be literally difficult to be seen as they get less prio being shown to other people unless they pay (mainly thinking of Tinder for this, but it still applies for other popular apps). Which in turn leads to low number of matches, and the matches probably won't yield meetup for the most part.

[@ekong1729]

@@LarzR I've had most success actually matching and meeting people on Hinge. To match, you actually have to like a specific part of the Bio, and if someone likes your bio you get to immediately talk to them. I tried Tinder and Bumble, but honestly barely got any matches whatsoever.

[@painuchiha2694]

The biggest issue is I don’t have an environment to where people could hook me up with someone I don’t have friends that knows any women nor family who could present someone I have a men’s job I don’t have any social environment that could give opportunities. Cold approach are honestly weird,creepy and predatory Social media dating are just stats,height,fat,slim,muscular,money or career for shallow men and women There is probably almost nothing I could do unless I’m lucky and a women do the approach but that’s probably never happening lol

[@qooooe]

Start goin out more or join groups for your hobbies!

[@SomeBody-ce3gq]

Don't know if this helps but I go to events to meet men, events that have nothing to do with dating, and I talk to them about the event/ what their company offers etc. I'm interested in some people, and some people are interested in me. It's better than dating apps and provides somewhat of a solution to my also severely limited social circle!

[@adrianace1725]

I shut down all my dating app accounts early last year and will not be using them again. Making peace with being alone and finding acceptance.

[@GonzointheSelf]

Me too!

[@Tako-6478]

Tinder is garbage and that’s my opinion. Dating apps can lend themselves to meet people but it has also created a “discard culture” that is reproachable.

[@CYBER_FunkER]

This video comes off as an "entry level position, 10 years experience required" sorta deal. How do I get more interactions when women just ask you to stop talking to them the second you say hi to them? Like I agree with want you say here for sure, but when does the RNG align to where I can actually get to talk to a woman for more than a sentence?

[@notaburneraccount]

I've been off and on dating apps for the past four years. I'm 30 now and feel like I'm not gonna meet anyone. I don't even know who I like anymore. At least I know what's important to me I suppose. Thank you for covering this topic Dr K.

[@gundamzaku]

@@Dimitris_Half It's the same for the average joe.

[@gundamzaku]

@@Dimitris_Half I was make fun with our username, be gratefull to have a experience with it.

[@JonathanScarlet]

The sad part is, as accurate as Dr. K may be, one side of the equation (guys) want to use this stuff but are actively shit on for trying in any sense of the word (i.e. being emotional(ly available) is a turn-off, men aren't allowed to set boundaries or standards even if they're standards they can bend). Meanwhile, the other side (girls) -should- be doing this but are actively encouraged to NOT do so. It's not just in dating apps; I've seen too many tiktoks here on YT about women who either A.) are telling girls they should hide potentially pertinent info on their past dates/hookups/etc., B.) talking about how men are pigs/horrible/trash when they're rejected (or some guy reasonably says no to an offer by them) and yet will demonize the option they wanted in the first place in a separate video, or C.) Both of those things, plus maybe something else I'm not thinking of. Communication is key, absolutely. But the whole (western world) is demanding that people not do -actual communication- like Dr. K describes. Only the communication they deem worthy which is usually very surface-level.

[@jsmith108]

Does anyone have the citation that Dr K is talking about @5:56

[@Daaneskjold]

i can attest to that commute increase causing a huge strain in a relationship. good episode doc

[@dickiewongtk]

How can you practice if not actually ask girls out? But isn’t it immoral and defeat the purpose when you ask girl out just to practice?

[@noizeaous7267]

The paper was not just cherry picking; it was cherry picking in an apple tree. There can be a branch from a cherry tree going between some apple tree branches, but it doesn't count in the apple harvest.

[@Relhio]

Okay Doc, but if the women refuse to talk to me because they don't like my mug, or I'm too fat, or short or w/e, how in the living fuck will I be able to express my social skills? I highly doubt they're able to know how much of a flirt I am or aren't on the first glance of my face/build.

[@periphetes]

Men are becoming increasingly aware that dating apps are a major way that women find men to date, and that if you are being passed over on dating apps that is a major problem. That is common sense, and right it is a major problem. Ladies are making their selections on the apps based on height and good looks. We know this to be the case, it's a fact. That means that if you fail on the apps, then you have to find women in your immediate area or social circle to ask out. If you fail in your immediate area, then you have nowhere else to turn within reason. It's too much to go to say Japan for instance. So now what? You're single and your out of dating options. This self help guy is assuming that you have poor communication skills, a bad job, not fun to be around, in need of therapy, overweight, ect ect. Suppose your are not doing poorly in any of those areas? Now what? Well now he says basically it's a matter of time, but you don't know how long it will take. Time for reality. Since the dawn of man, a certain percentage of men have been passed over by women. That is a fact. We know this because we know how many men passed on their DNA versus how many women. The data shows that the number of mothers may have outnumbered fathers by around 100 to 30. That's the ratio. For every 100 women who became mothers, only 30 men became fathers. Let that sink in. That's a fact from our past. Many men, through no fault of their own, will not be able to attract a woman, and it's ALWAYS been that way. You might be one of the guys mother nature says "NO" to reproducing. Let me explain something. Women are the eyes of mother nature. With their eyes, like the mythical Medusa, they can turn a man to stone metaphorically. The can look upon your poor quality DNA and say no. Your DNA ends here. You will not have me. Practice self help all your want, but this problem for men is as old as time. I'm going to start a channel in the next couple of months to explain all of this in more detail.

[@bro918]

No stop.... I cant take any more black pills 😭😭

[@jeremiahnoe5361]

Tons of good stuff here that I agree with. I basically have no filters on dating apps because I came to all these conclusions independently. The one thing I'd disagree with here is that what happens before the interaction doesn't matter. In theory, it's correct, but in practice, what happens before the interaction matters the most, if there is no interaction happening. That is to say, your communication skills, which I agree are the most important part of relationship success, are a non factor until there is someone to communicate with. This is where I've always had trouble.

[@TheGlenofKrokot]

"What is it like to spend an hour with you? Is it fun?" How the hell am i supposed to make a person have fun? People don't have a "push to have fun" button. I'm joking and telling stories as much as i can, but it isn't a guaranteed method of making them execute the fun.

[@leandroteixeira33]

This is about soft skills and be able to understand what's happening. You must be able to tell interesting stories, but also be able to check if the person is interested in the story and, if not, what can you do to make the situation better.

[@eonstar]

Are you having fun? Would you want to be with someone who doesn't find being with fun anyways?

[@manumaster1990]

"I'm joking and telling stories as much as i can" little question: do you think the girls you date are making an effort to do this with the same intensity as you or not?

[@TheGlenofKrokot]

​@@eonstar I'm having fun until they dump me.

[@TheGlenofKrokot]

​@@manumaster1990 I think they do. But maybe 20% less than me.

[@ReneHoffmann194]

I whish more people would understand/know what you said in this video. most people today are just to superficial (i hope thats the correct term for people focusing on this kind of stuff) and they don't even realize that theses facts are not what matter in the long run in a real relationship. Btw. I`m not ranting out of despair (got very lucky to find someone that's an awesome partner for me). Also what you said in the end: Its really important to stick together when there are problems (also sometimes they might be to big and its better to break up), work on them and on your relationship and its get better and stronger over time. The better you understand the other person and the more you know that you can rely on your partner the stronger your bond becomes. Don't give up if first problems occur and look out for a "better match".