Ambivalent Attachment

[@CobaltLobo]

I feel like I was watching a narrated animated video of myself. I'm legit tearing up...

[@kingsoonkit9234]

I feel you man. It's as if we thought our behaviors couldn't be possible to be analyse this accurately.

[@ms.seipatisekokotoana6694]

I am looked through Xray. 100% me😥

[@smallsignals]

Same. Ouchies.

[@marisastackpoole2259]

Me too :(

[@sadakojh]

CobaltLobo You are loved and. Supported

[@CoachTee.]

Shout out to the ambivalent attached babies! We are going to get the HEALTHY support and love we need to prosper!

[@karenflower697]

This is my favourite video I've seen describing ambivalent attachment. :) I love the visual imagery and it reflects my own experience very well and vividly. It helps me feel compassion towards myself.

[@JacobHamPhD]

Thank you, Karen. My friend, Thomas Moon, and I really worked hard at capturing the experience in a compassionate way because it can be so frustrating and difficult to love someone who experiences this and difficult to be this person. My real goal in these videos is to help people in the exact way that you say you were helped by these videos. So thank you for letting me feel like all this work was worthwhile.

[@NikNik0123]

Jacob Ham please continue to share educational content on attachment with us, as I do agree with Karen. I was this baby and I’m having the same response as Karen. All in my feelings sorry for myself. But more in depth content on ‘how to heal’ from you would be awesome. Thank you.

[@maxschmidt8779]

Sometimes I return to this video, just to read this comment. "It helps me feel compassion towards myself." I need to remind myself that I am allowed to do that. Thank you for putting this into words.

[@brianacronmiller7079]

I second this

[@PriyankaGupta-ew1li]

😭

[@NikkoYM]

When our parents send mixed messages, or aren't there for us in certain ways it's really difficult to overcome insecurities. It manifests differently for different people. Some people are lucky, and will have a secure attachment style regardless of inconsistent, or 'absent-while-physically-present' parenting styles. Many people have some kind of attachment issue, and it takes work to recognize patterns and change them. This well-made video makes me think that many people are looking for that loving parent in their relationships in life...to get the parenting that they really wanted/needed and didn't get. (I have seen it in myself in many of my female relationships (looking for mom).) But, because we were wired a certain way, often we end up with people in intimate relationships who reflect the nature of our parents. There are some really touching comments here, and those of us who struggle with attachment issues...well...we are not alone!

[@JacobHamPhD]

thank you... your comments are very thoughtful and reflective.

[@mezzometal]

This video helped me realize that I have this type of attachment. I felt related with everything you said. And it relieves me to finally understand why I'm like this. This is going to be a long text but I hope you read it or that it can help someone else understand better the suffering this type of attachment generates. My parents told me that when I was a baby I always cried and that I was impossible to sooth. They barely had any sleep. A year ago I found a kindergarten letter that the teachers did for all the parents informing the development of their offsprings. Mine said that I needed the teacher reassurance in order to get things done. My mom has told me all my life that I ask for help when in reality I could easily do the task by myself. In primary school the first years I suffered because I didn't have a best friend and then, when I got one I was super attached to her even though she was very mean to me. I also had this friend who was very mean to me and I kept going to her house to the point that her mother asked me why I kept going if her daughter was so mean to me. And now I also remember another case! I kept repeating this circle in high school where I had a best friend who was very toxic. For almost 6 years she led me to horrible situations. But she wasn't always bad, half of the time she was a very good friend which caused me to get VERY attached to her. People always asked me why I was still her friend. My autoestime has always relied on what people think of me. There were years in which I was 'the ugly one' and I felt horrible for all those years. Later I started to get a lot of compliments and so I felt pretty and good about myself. Whenever I date someone it always goes bad. Sometimes I find it hard to intimate and I get dettached VERY easily and others I get clingy very easily and ask for reassurance all the time. I have usually dated avoidant attachment people and for that I ALWAYS have anxiety whenever I'm dating someone. I don't know how to not become obsessed whenever I like someone. If my best friend doesn't give me the attention I want I get furious. I can't stand that she has another best friend. So relationships are a constant suffering for me. Event though I have a lots of friends. I started to cry watching this video because I realised all of this. So thank you so much!

[@JacobHamPhD]

i read it and appreciate it very much. thank you for opening up. Your experience is exactly why i make and share these videos.

[@dreameroffire6495]

Azu lita I'm sure that my reply won't really mean that much. However, I just need to say that what you wrote (Gosh there aren't even any words. How do I explain this?) it's so familiar to me (If that makes any sense. I hope it does). I become extremely attached to people, yet then I distance myself away. I've always found people interesting, yet I'm afraid. I don't know how to show affection without driving them away. I don't know how to not hurt them by accident, because there is always a problem to be found (even if it's really small). Then there are the questions like: Am I burden? Why do I idolize people as if their perfect even though I know that no one is? Why do I have emotional outbursts even when I don't know the reason for why I feel the way I do? When with people, I believe that they'll someday leave me, hate me, or find me unworthy/unnecessary (And it'll be all my fault). I envy others for their go with the flow attitudes, emotional stability, and ability to figure out what they want in life. Because I'm just so confused . . . So thank you Azu lita for this (I wish you didn't have to go through this cycle) (I wish you a happy life) Jacob Ham, thanks for this video. It was extremely informative and (I have to admit) an emotional roller coaster ride.

[@JacobHamPhD]

Thank you for responding to Azu in such an honest and compassionate way.

[@alluneedislessthan3]

Oh my god. WOW. The video may not have made me cry, but this comment sure just did! You may not even remember posting this comment lol but I think it’s just changed my life in a small way. Everything you just said explains so much in my life. My dad is a narcissist who always had to be the center of attention. My mom was/is a very genuinely caring and nurturing person, but having to live with my dad and try to raise a healthy family would be an impossible task for anyone. I had never thought about it until now, but my best friend in elementary school once I moved states (I’m American and moved two states over at age 10 to live with my new stepdad and his kids) was so mean to me, but I constantly chased her approval because when we did have fun it felt like it was worth it. My next best friend after that was almost exactly the same but in a way that was much more covert and hard to notice (which is interesting because my dad is a covert narcissist) because of all the gaslighting and shifting the blame. My first boyfriend was at 16 and I fell HARD in love with him because he was cold and elusive but when he wasn’t he was a musical and academic genius. But of course he dumped me by ghosting me which of course i thought was the most traumatic thing I could experience at 16 (ah, youth). At 17 I did a 180 and dated the most safe and boring guy I could get my hands on. Looking back he might have also had an ambivalent attachment style because it was almost as if I were the one who was the “mean one” in the relationship. I was never abusive or anything, but I was varying levels of aloof from day to day and always secretly wanted to leave him but also felt like I needed him and REALLY didn’t want to hurt him in such a big way like that. I finally broke up with him after ~3.5 years and have been single for about a year and a half and am stuck in this weird cycle of feeling like I need someone else (not necessarily romantically, but I am very lonely), but then either getting bored and underwhelmed by people I’ve made fall in love with me, or being paralyzed with fear of abandonment by people that I love but am scared to get close to. Idk I guess it wasn’t totally necessary to document all of that for the world to see, but I definitely feel like it was important for me. This comment made a lot of things click in my brain!! KZbin is free therapy sometimes if you look in the right places. Lol anyway hope you’re having a good day and a wonderful life 💖

[@rarodri5410]

@@dreameroffire6495You made me cry. I am so much like you. I feel so insecure when I'm in a relationship ( friendship, family or boyfriend) even more when I really love and care about them. I want to get closer but at the same time I want to run away from them because I'm scared they will hurt me or scared they don't really care about me as much as I do. I also find difficult talking about my feelings ... I try to put into words what I feel but sometimes I'm just confused and can't talk at all, sometimes I can't even think. It's like my head is empty. (usually during a fight or with delicate and sensitive subjects) My boyfriend gets angry when I am like that because he can't understand why I can't talk with him about me and my feelings, dreams, fears, etc. I dropped out of university twice because over the time I started to feel anxious, unworthy, incapable and I just felt so scared I couldn't take it. Now I see it is the same pattern... Anyway I have been working on it and slowly I have been getting better. There is still a long road but I know I can do it. We all can!! Thank you so much for the video

[@vamperkillzshy]

I'm 23 and I haven't left home yet. It makes me feel insecure but I never had the stability at home and I'm also not confident that I can create my own stability 😔 I have had this attachment style in my relationships and I'm trying to heal it and develop a secure attachment style

[@JacobHamPhD]

Growth happens most when you grow comfortable with falling and failing and learning. Best of luck. I know it's incredibly painful and scary but there's no shortcut around the grind of living.

[@begoherrero6894]

You’re still really young, you have time to find the strength. Don’t worry about it 😁

[@Mai-gv7rv]

I'm 21 and also haven't left home.. I haven't felt truly comfortable emotionally or physically, or the stability to leave. I'm scared to leave my parents behind. I tried planning it once though...

[@NikNik0123]

OMG...I was THAT ⬆️ baby! This is me! 😔

[@Aboy-oj4tg]

I cried like a baby, your video explains everything. It reminds me of when I was a child, because of poverty, my parents were always stressed and working all day. My parents often argued about my father being drunk. My mother is very unusual, sometimes gentle but sometimes angry. One time, I fell and cried but my mother did not come. Over time, I became more and more withdrawn and could not go to my mother when I was scared. I knew I wanted my mother but I was afraid of it at the same time. I always feel ashamed and hate myself when I think about how scared I am of my mother. I always feel like I'm abnormal. Thank you so much

[@uh_oh_spaghetti_o7087]

His voice is so soothing!

[@Luisaireel]

My sister is like this. Now I understand why she was such a difficult toddler, why she suffers from anxiety and why she feels like I or someone else don't care about her despite the fact it is very obvious she has people that will always love her no matter what. Now I know how to help her better.

[@iffah6075]

I started crying near the end of the video. it described me so well and i never felt so understood. I'll look at other attachment styles first to cross check whether they sound like me more, but honestly i dont think this one can be beaten by any other. thank you so much for making this video, this brings me a step towards understanding myself more 💗

[@edwardseverinsen5598]

I have been researching psychology and have been deeply fascinated by it for about 2 and a half years now. Just recently started really pondering whether or not my emotional and intimacy issues stemmed from childhood or not. They definitely do. My mother was mentally ill growing up and not physically available the majority of my childhood and life. My father is physically present and emotionally distant. I blamed everything on my dad at first and felt intense hatred towards him. Until, I remembered a quote I heard a while back. "Bank on the parent they don't talk about" I've gone months forgetting I ever had a mother tbh. Now I realize how much I love and miss my mother and long for her to hold me like she did when I was a kid. I'm a 23 year old man that just got done crying for his mommy. But that's how I realized I have ambivalent attachment style. I'm working really hard to get to the core of my issues. What makes me sad is realizing yet again I'm basically on my own in solving my problems. No one really to help. Just like when I was growing up. Good luck everyone. Start really diving into those uncomfortable emotions and thoughts you know you have. They're the most beneficial to think about.

[@susanryan4874]

When you say “baby,” do you mean 33 year old adult woman? 😂

[@gappuma7883]

Susan Ryan yes he means you!

[@JacobHamPhD]

lol

[@yesibeleza]

Same!!!

[@heidihol]

Lol, same.

[@legibitiqua2]

SAME

[@jessicamiller6143]

As I’m sure many people have this year, I’m coming to your channel due to Stephanie Foo’s memoir. I have to say, I’ve always been told by therapists and others that it’s impossible to become securely attached later in life - that your attachment style developed in childhood can only be mitigated down the line. You give me hope, as someone with CPTSD, that I’m not fundamentally trapped in my own hell of distrust for others.

[@gurlygirl5019]

I always knew I had some sort of attachment issues, but I never knew what kind. Thank you for this, I finally know what's wrong with me lol. I feel like now I can work on it even better w/this info.

[@ms.seipatisekokotoana6694]

I thank God to finally find someone who can ACCURATELY DESCRIBE ME. It is really a painful pattern but at least now I know it has a definitions.

[@retouriste]

As an avoidant, I sometimes felt a little jealous of anxious ambivalent's childlike nature that seemed spoiled to me. After watching this video, I don't feel this way anymore. Thank you!

[@lynnaebrown]

WOW. I am floored. You described my entire life. I know what I am going to talk about in therapy this week. Christ. Brilliant clear descriptive lesson - thanks for this video

[@VocaloidRules101]

It's nice to find the answer to all your problems, and i want to get help for it. At the same time, it pains me to see my mother do this exact thing to my little sister, at times being so loving and attentive and at times, shunning her away, telling her to be quiet and screaming at her. She will be like me someday, and it pains me to think about it.

[@JacobHamPhD]

Well, maybe you can bring this awareness to your sister earlier than you received it so your sister isn't haunted for so long and aware enough to forgive and let go and seek better love for herself. ...And, maybe, if I may, you can bring this message to the little child still in you that probably needs to be reminded of the same, that you can seek and share better love too. Thanks for posting.

[@Paulo.1984]

This is as amazing as it is sad to watch. Each and every word hits home so strongly. I was that child. I still am that child, now that I'm 36 and divorced. Childhood upbringing is like putting in the instructions for the game (literally) we will play for the rest of our lives. It's the very foundation to understand all sorts of mental illnesses or disorders or whatever you want to call them, as it's so often related. How could it not be?!?!?!?

[@brianacronmiller7079]

I see others in the comments sharing how they relate to this so I thought I should do the same. I was a very difficult baby to sooth. And I think my mom treated/ attached to younger brother differently because he was that smiley type of baby with the huge laugh. In school I learned how to be very observant of micro facial expressions. Because I loved everyone, I attached quickly and intensely to others but was always aware and looking out for signs of my friends disinterest in me. Today I am 22, I avoid most conversations with my parents because they makes things worse. To this day they are extremely hot and cold with me and I have a great distrust in them. I struggle with depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts. As a teenager I use to go to my parents for relief and they were so disinterested and seemed tired of my turbulent emotions. But sometimes would act like they would be there for me but could never be consistent. And now I am at the point where I reject all of their attempted support completely because their inconsistency hurts more, it's easier to not rely on them at all. They have never understood me, they think I'm overly sensitive and that my emotions aren't real or caused by them in anyway. I often am villainiezed in my family. This attachment style has taken the biggest toll romantically. I fall for people with avoidant attzchment styles. I recently got out of a relationship where for years I was super attached and pouring my love into someone who would literally tell me I'm annoying, they pushed me off, cheated, and never showed me attention but were very posseive and controlling me and sometimes sweet which the smallest affection was always enough for me to completely open up and throw myself in. And the more they hurt and rejected me the harder I would attach. I just kept giving more and more until he broke up with me and said awful things that finally made me shut down. And the loss of that relationship crushed me. It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced and it reconfirmed a lot of my fears. I carry a lot of pain, and it feels like it just gets worse. But I'm trying to find that love and comfort I crave so badly in myself now, and it's extremely difficult. I just want so badly to feel safe and secure with someone.

[@JacobHamPhD]

thank you for sharing. working with ambivalence is very difficult and sad. The emotional turmoil is so difficult for the person to bear and to change. But, i have seen people improve.

[@aleciawimer8506]

Have you tried turning to Jesus, and reading the KJV Bible?

[@JacobHamPhD]

I'm starting a playlist of other KZbin videos that I really think can be helpful. It's called How to Overcome and Love.

[@ndshen]

Hugs. I can relate. You’re not alone.

[@sundesertmoon]

Jacob, I'm immensely appreciative of your videos. I'm 37, Korean American and have had to deal with the effects of childhood trauma throughout my entire life. Your videos (and podcast episode: the long arm of childhood trauma) have been so informative, insightful, and validating. I'm feeling hopeful and grateful. I appreciate your gentle attentiveness. Thank you.

[@lasmeninas9667]

The baby animation made me feel so bad for him I felt like I need to come there and hug him

[@soleildemidi]

Really lovely. The best anxious/ambivalent attachment video I've seen. Thank you for your compassionate explanation.

[@GismoTron]

You did really well breaking this down and making it easily understood. I wish this had been available when I first started studying. Great work

[@JacobHamPhD]

thanks!

[@ahavashalom4093]

I identify with avoidant attachment and grew up in a severely neglectful/abusive environment. I have failed so much as a parent and am now getting help. My son is 11 and I have raised my son to attach: ambivalent style. Any input/resources appreciated. Thank you for reading ❤️

[@AC-on8my]

You explain this attachment style really clearly, thank you. This is really helpful for me in understanding some of the children I work with. Thanks!

[@YLinYL]

I'm absolutely amazed by these videos. Thank you so so so so much. I really wanna try and develop a more secure attachment and these videos really help tremendously, more than any other videos I've watched. Please keep making them :)

[@elizabethschudel1900]

Thank you so much!! This was extremely helpful to me in trying to visualize what this attachment might look like in the elementary school classroom. I appreciate it.

[@maria.1313]

This just popped up in my feed and I was led to listen to it. Quite illuminating, I believe I may have this type of ambivalent attachment. Thank you

[@sufferplenty]

Jeez, I’ve been working towards having a secure attachment for the past 2 years now. Not a very long time however every year I take an attachment test to see where I’m at or if anything has changed with the way I feel. Last year I got avoidant and now I got ambivalent/anxious and it describes my interactions spot on. I still relate to some aspects of the avoidant attachment but this is the first I’ve ever heard of ambivalent. I do feel stuck in a loop and I unfortunately am in a cycle of push and pull. I love both my parents to death but my dad was away the majority of my childhood for work and my mom when it came to my emotional needs would sometimes neglect them then other times help me seek help if it was beneficial for her is what I’m learning. This video was incredibly educational so thank you for sharing.

[@JacobHamPhD]

thank you and keep up the great work of learning

[@Mai-gv7rv]

me too! my dad lived in the U.S for half my life up until I was 10 , until I moved here, he was more nurturing and loving than my mom. I also feel stuck in that same loop. It's terrible and leads you asking to so many questions but our souls chose this for a reason, and we can overcome this

[@chairwood]

Really great video. You explained this so well.

[@MistyshaAnguo]

The animation and explanation in this are so good and clear! Thank you for this!

[@vierhans1553]

Omg this loop is exactly what I am feeling like 24/7 lmao🤣

[@JacobHamPhD]

yeah, it's a crazy-making cycle.

[@laela6289]

My relationship with my parents, in a nutshell.

[@marlibuuuu]

Me too. We can heal from this ❤️

[@nana2357]

same..

[@gedragsproblemenindeklas]

Thank you for this clear explanation. My students will love this!

[@miko2748]

I'm not sure if I have this sort of attachment but this makes me feel like I'm understood.

[@heidihol]

You just answered so many questions if had, as an adult in relationships where I don't want to leave yet it's not right that I stay. And in reflecting on my growing up, I see the ambivalence loop because of the inconsistent care and sometimes traumatic environment from both my caretakers. Needy/dependent yet avoidant... Eye-opening.

[@JacobHamPhD]

so glad it was helpful.

[@deia-says]

Loved those attachment style videos. Would love to see when anxious baby meets avoidant baby in a relationship LOL

[@sassarific]

Thank you for this video 🙏🏻 this is me definitely & I haven’t seen a lot of videos on this attachment style. It’s often anxious OR avoidant so this was great.

[@dl3878]

I still live at home and I’m 34. I was just diagnosed with BPD. I always knew something was wrong with me . I still live with my mother and am never heard . I dissociate all day and can’t work and I’m stuck . I can’t pay attention and I never knew I had attachment trauma !

[@JacobHamPhD]

I'm sorry to hear. I hope that you find good treatment that helps and that you start to at least "hear yourself" even if others don't.

[@nancywysemen7196]

love the illustrations. the content is fine,the cartoons enhance emotions.

[@roots4140]

SO GOOD!!!! There's so much talk about the anxious part, not enough about the ambivalent part.

[@Sm_Taco]

finally, a word that describes me, I've been looking for this. Thank you so much.

[@JacobHamPhD]

You're very welcome!

[@goodbad4563]

This is very very good. Like super relatable; very clearly and correctly portrayed.

[@feldmananya]

Thank you for this video! Simple and at the same time detailed explanation what such people feel and think. I hope you will create a series of videos how to deal with these emotions and thoughts for adults with ambivalent attachments.

[@JacobHamPhD]

I will!

[@CHAVEOCHOA]

Has this video came out yet?

[@e.liza_kb]

wow this explains me so much. I *never* wanted to leave my mom's side literally at all and I feel like I couldn't live without her, she was my #1. well, my mom passed away in 2017 and my symptoms got x100000000 worse. now it makes sense.

[@mybeautifuldarknessx]

I feel like this is the worst attachment style besides the disorganized one

[@JacobHamPhD]

I know right? It's sad.

[@rarodri5410]

Hello I thought they were the same because I saw them explained in a post together. Can you explain me the differences between them?

[@MiMi-ks8qq]

I thought ambivalent is disorganized as well???

[@PriyankaGupta-ew1li]

No the worst is avoidant! Please don't date them, anxious style one's are very fluid and are open to growth but avoidant one's don't even feel that they should change!! Plz do yourself a favour and nvr ever date an avoidant! They are muck🤮

[@oneelonpls4802]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li what? R u serious? You are so wrong. Avoidants are amazing people, they have been hurt and need help as much as anxious and disorganised people do.

[@shepherdsoutcry1380]

Props. That was a perfect description.

[@yesibeleza]

Wow....mindblowing....😲 baby is now over 30 and still going through this

[@JacobHamPhD]

yeah, true for so many of us.

[@neurologicalworms]

I am fearful avoidant and I am working on healing that, and other traumas, a few years too late.... I have a 5 year old who clearly struggles with the ambivalent/ fearful avoidant attachment that she has developed . It is my fault and now it is up to me to either be the adult and work on this or continue on as I am and continue hurting my daughter more and more. My mother is a covert narcissist with a taste for sadism towards me and a few others. Being someone who leaves my daughter feeling worse when she needs support and making her feel unloved, unseen, unvalued , is my biggest fear.

[@jannahyuniar6301]

This describes what I feel so well Thank you so much for posting this helpful video I'm a psychology student and my lecturer said that I'm an ambivalent person after he saw my EPPS result I think it's getting worse cause I really feel uncomfortable towards emotional closeness so I distant myself emotionally, yet it's really hurt cause I feel unloved and abandoned at the same time And I'm currently seeing my therapist cause I've been depressed for 5 years And I think my ambivalent attachment leads me into depression. The problem is, for as long as I remember, my family treated me well. I'm attached to all of my siblings (I have 4 and I'm the last one) But it changed drastically since I was in junior high school cause they were getting married and I realized that they have their own lives Now I feel empty all the time, and I can't accept emotional closeness to anyone, especially towards all of my family members And, I go through depression relapse really often in a week It's like I have no clear reason why I'm so ambivalent and why I'm depressed What should I do?

[@ndshen]

Hang in there. I know the pain involved in feeling helpless to soothe one’s needs. The fear of being close keeps us from the connection experience we want because we are scared of being hurt by letting people in. Work on your connection with something you can trust and rely on. Slowly improve on your self care. Help yourself feel better with small but consistent goals. When you feel stronger in trusting yourself you can have more strength to be with others. Hang in there. There’s love others want to give you.

[@edenhoneyy]

This is me, and also my son now. He’s doing much better with my attending therapy however I am struggling with my own self worth.

[@JacobHamPhD]

yeah, it all boils down to our relationship to our own self parts. Get that right and everything else follows. Treat yourself like your most beloved child.

[@ogsupremelyvida]

This video made me feel quite emotional, thank you for uploading content like this!

[@JacobHamPhD]

yes, listen to that part that got emotional and keep asking it what else it needs

[@MelisJoy]

This is an excellent video..the animations were perfect & your explanation. I have to suggest though that you please make ASMR videos bc your voice is soooo relaxing you would be hugely successful as an ASMRtist

[@JacobHamPhD]

LOL, thanks for the idea!

[@xo.honeyydipp]

Wow I have ambivalent & an anxious attachment style 😔 it really starts from your childhood

[@ogshaynanigans]

I thought I had avoidant attachment for the longest time but then resonates with me 10x more; especially looking back at my childhood and how I was in class and at home. I’ve noticed I’ve had to change myself in many ways to not interfere and be interfered with by others when I’m not ready. Even when I am ready half the time I don’t want it. Am I making sense?

[@JacobHamPhD]

Yup, keep being curious about yourself and what you are learning.

[@kihntagious]

My mother never hugged me and told me she loved me. I was born into a chaotic, toxic household. I was sick with severe thrush and returned to the hospital for a few weeks at 3 days old. But according to my aunt, my moms twin sister, ( fraternal ) I had a very outgoing, charismatic, awesome, funny personality. And years after my mom died at 45 from lung cancer, my aunt told me my mom made it a goal to make sure I didn't outperform my siblings who were already showing signs of neurosis. My brother was sickly and angry, older sister who got the ballet classes, etc was very overweight by the time she was three and the younger sister was invisible. Mom called me horse face because I had big front teeth. I developed borderline personality with bulimia and later drug addiction. I'm almost 70 and alone still. All my relationships have been toxic. I was attracted to toxic men. My daughters have severe anger issues. The youngest is severely affected. I'm sure they felt abandoned by me because of my behavior surrounding men and neurotic attachment. I sought help when I was 19 and still have abandonment issues It is generational. If I had it to do over...

[@Julie-v5y]

Thank you for your videos! Your voice is so calming 😊

[@tulips7465]

I'm the eldest child in my family. I am Avoidant. My brother, middle child is ambivalent. And my sister, the youngest, has secure attachment. At least my parents got it right the 3rd time. Haha

[@shivakami9293]

Thank you for what you are doing. The last sentence you said in this video gave me so much hope. I just am now realizing where so many of my issues stemmed from...that is hard enough to handle...I am realizing I have caused my own children attachment problems ...can a parent repair damage already done? How do I do that? I don’t want my children to struggle with this their whole lives...please help me

[@JacobHamPhD]

yes, it's never too late though the work can be difficult and seemingly insurmountable. Keep trying and get their input in teaching you what they need to repair...

[@shivakami9293]

Thank you, I will do that for sure! I have learned so much since discovering attachment theory several days ago...thank you for your role in educating/informing me. I think if I continue to integrate and heal my own issues as well as being a present, engaged, compassionate and empathetic mother as well as increasing my own emotional intelligence whilst teaching my children also-I can do it. That’s what I’ve gathered in the last few days anyway:) Thank you again 🙏

[@CHAVEOCHOA]

Jacob, I’ve seen some of your responses to comments about people saying how they don’t know how they have this type of attachment and your reply has been that it’s sometimes subtle experiences. I am worried now just like Shivakami that I’ve cause damage to my children now. So if I’m having a bad day and I loose it with my toddler I’ve potentially harmed him. I feel like now days mothers are so overwhelmed trying to be a perfect mom that it get to a point where it’s too much and not very realistic. I try to be forgiving with myself and realize I can’t be perfect and I can’t have the best bubbly and best attitude all the time 😢 but I also don’t want to cause any harm to my baby boy 😢 If you or Shiyakami could provide more help or point to a resource I could learn from I would appreciate it 🙏🏼 parenting is so hard ❤️

[@shivakami9293]

@@CHAVEOCHOA I’m no professional, just dedicated to being the best parent possible...since my first post here, I’ve learned a lot. #1 Kids are resilient...especially when a parent is genuinely trying to repair things with a child. #2 The biggest factor is connection. Be connected. Know them. Engage with them. Listen to them. If they like Minecraft, play Minecraft with them. What ever they like, take a genuine interest. Then you’ve entered their world. Then your connected, because they genuinely want you in their world with them. It makes them feel loved. And that’s what we all need. You are on your way to success already🙏 That’s how I see it. Because if you care enough to watch videos and read comments and all the rest of whatever efforts you are making to be the best parent you can be, you are already halfway there. Now just keep going because they’ll be grown before you know it and one day you’ll look back at all your hard efforts and smile 🙏🙂💙

[@CHAVEOCHOA]

@@shivakami9293 thank you so much for your words 🙏🏼 😭

[@justalittlebawn]

I would love to hear you talk about disorganized attachment, I feel like I'm a mix of both and neither

[@grimmseti]

This attachment style has lead to a really bad friendship breakup that weighs on me to this day. I wish my parents had done a better job when I was growing up, but I have to forgive them and move on. My dad's at least there for me now. I wish I'd been a better friend to the person who friend dumped me too. I have a hard time just forgiving myself and moving on.

[@BookFreakyTube]

Having an ambivalent attachment style is hell. You are constantly pushing away people even when you want them to get closer… than you get angry because they left you.

[@insidethemystics7014]

Something I want to say is that, you really need to bring up Autism in this conversation. In the case of many people with high-functioning autism, they're labeled "anxious" or "ambivalent" when in reality they have a disorder that's preventing them from securely attaching.

[@rarodri5410]

My parents weren't that bad I know it but they were really inconsistent and still are. I always felt my dad was more important to my mom and that I was a burden to then or just something my mom could use to keep my dad by her side. I remember my mom keeping me awake till midnight waiting for my father to come home. She would use me to make him feel bad about getting out. He used to drink a lot of alcohol and he sometimes was agressive towards my mother so afterwards she would cried her eyes out and talk to me about all the bad things my dad did to us. Sometimes I would try to talk to her about my day or something nice but she was stuck in all her problems and I couldn't reach her. When I was 6 I was already tired and at that time I started to tell her that she should leave my dad that we will be better without him but she never could. On the other hand my dad was unpredictable. He was usually unavailable and he was nice sometimes but he could get angry easily. I was constantly afraid of doing something wrong and that he would get angry and blame my mother because in his eyes she was always the one to blame. We couldn't even go out together because short after they would start arguing and later my mom would cried and take me with her. Also my father always tried to make my mother feel stupid. He was verbally abusive and he was the same with me but in a lower level. Back then I was a very obedient and nice girl because my self steem was fragile and dependent on them for a lot of time I felt like I didn't know who I was because I always adapted myself to some degree to please others. In my twenties I had this wall build up between me and my parents I don't know why but at some point I started acting like everything was okay in front of them I portrayed myself as someone confident and emotionally stable so years later I couldn't reach out for help when I needed them. I grew up trying to avoid conflict between my parents. I would talk to them, tried to change the subject or whatever but when I realized that all that weren't working I would avoid them more and more physically and emotionally. As a teenager I find it extremely difficult to keep my friends and boyfriends I would run away from them after getting to attached. I was really scared of that closeness. I felt uncomfortable and anxious. I pushed away a lot of good people in my life and I regret it truly... even though I know there was nothing I could do at the time because of my immadurity. Now I am better and I work hard to heal and also I talk about this subject with some close friends, hoping they could find some help in this as well. Also I love my parents I know they weren't trying to make me feel this way and that they just weren't wise enough to see the impact of their actions in their children.

[@JacobHamPhD]

thank you for reflecting and sharing.

[@wesley6442]

Yea same here very inconsistent and I don't blame anyone of them my parents divorced young as my father had BPD, then she remarried and my step father was very uninvolved and prone to having a temper as his job was stressful. My mother was usually just too busy with work so I was left alone most of the time, I had friends and family but I rarely got to see them as we moved states at the age of 7. I moved from school to school, and now I finally understand why I am the way I am and it's kind of sad but at least I know myself better. God bless!

[@taraes.3609]

I am really not sure If I'm anxious ambivalent or anxious avoidant. I feel like It changes depending on the situation. I love watching your videos. You have a very calming voice and your animations are just funny and cute.

[@JacobHamPhD]

The most important question is can you stay present and attuned when faced with someone true. That's really all that matters, not what we call it.

[@wesley6442]

My recent relationship I went full on anxious preoccupied, then ambivalent and now I am fearful avoidant with them even as friends. So, at least for me it changes in order to adapt and survive emotional pain

[@emilou4111]

i think i have this sort of attachment. growing up i also remember my parents jumping from being really kind to being cold (like saying they love me, smothering me during the day, and then if i cried later that night telling me to shut up). i always get scared of not doing well, but i don't reach out for help very often because i have pretty bad social anxiety

[@JacobHamPhD]

Ugh, sounds like you experienced the perfect context in which to develop ambivalent attachment.

[@emilou4111]

ah yikes

[@vl2663]

Dude or girl same here. Like holy shit. That is exactly how my parents are. And I have pretty bad social anxiety myself. It’s so bad I can barely get close to anyone and it’s ruined my life

[@algobo]

Great video. Thank you.

[@philipjnz9923]

HAHAHA I love the drawings! They are simple yet great and keep you engaged in the video. Nice job thanks for the detailed explanation :) ps. I love the faces of the babies lol

[@JacobHamPhD]

I think my friend is a brilliant artist. I'll let him know you appreciate his work.

[@genderchaotic]

I was told I have an ambivalent attachment and most of this applies to me. However, in school I was a high achiever, quiet student, who never raised their hand and let friends come to me.

[@JacobHamPhD]

yeah, these are gross generalizations. people are so much more complicated. I hope this helps prod your journey of self-awareness.

[@ameliaong6783]

Your graphics are amazing 😂❤️.

[@pimpinadia]

This video was very helpfull and interesting, thank you.

[@marions.3657]

Holy shit... This is way too spot on...

[@JacobHamPhD]

lol. thanks

[@RedHearts178]

legit started cry laughing because this video is waaayyy too relatable

[@JacobHamPhD]

that response is so perfectly ambivalent! :-)

[@RaavaPeace]

Why i just discover this now? .... I dont know why im crying maybe because i can relate to it so much..

[@NoobMaster-or2jf]

Ya I have this I guess. I act neutral now - people think however I am passive aggressive. But when they get to know me (rarely), they find I am nice to talk to. But I am afraid of making friends now. I fear they will reject me - I have had clingy behaviour before, me and my parents don't understand each other ... difficult situation altogether.

[@time4chai995]

Damn. I really relate to this.

[@eileenkilbride8151]

Hmmm.. I think of ambivalent attachment and disorganized attachment differently, with ambivalent related to inconsistent care-giving leading to an adaptive tendency to amplify needs to increase the chances of getting response? Disorganized attachment refers to the lack of an effective strategy where the dilemma is that the source of supposed safety is actually the source of frightened/frightening behaviour such as neglect or abuse?

[@JacobHamPhD]

Yes, brilliant clarification. But, clinically, the presentation as adults becomes very murky and I don't find disorganized to be very useful as a construct. Maybe it's my lack of education or training. From what I remember of my training on the AAI, Disorganized seemed like an extreme form of mixed avoidant and ambivalent and the greatest differentiator was that the Disorganized had severe traumatic experiences as a child and reactions during the interview. However, in my clinical work, I see avoidant and ambivalent constructs as most heuristically useful, even for those with traumatic childhoods. Have you found disorganized to be useful?

[@unsignedvoid4634]

Like your voice (i can sleep to), and the animations

[@andycopland3179]

I work with a 14 year old girl who displays all this, but dad 'appears' to be placing appropriate boundaries etc. She'll be your best friend before another care giver walks in and she turns on you like a beast.

[@JacobHamPhD]

Keep at it. Never forget that the pushing away behaviors are also aways a hidden "please come find me" too.

[@matejblaha4659]

Thank you, that was a very helpful explanation. I think I have ambivalent attachment style and avoidant personality disorder. I am wondering how does the disorganised attachment differ? I have heard one explanation that disorganised is more fearful, but from your description it seems that ambivalent may involve a lot of fear as well.

[@charlie5115]

I always thought I was somewhere between fearful and avoidant attachment, now I think I’m ambivalent.. Confused.

[@christopherrobin147]

Ambivalent is kind of a mixture between both. It’s like a war of facilitating between the two

[@charlie5115]

@@christopherrobin147 Fun! 😬 Thanks for answering! 🥰

[@erikavaleries]

You should collaborate with Dr Honda on Psychology in Seattle!

[@twoplustwoequalsfour48]

Incredible

[@beren1223]

I think each baby's personality is not as innate as it is created by the parents' responses or lack there of. We need to require parenting classes in the same way we require driver's ed classes. We should not presume it is safe to send a newborn home with its parents. Every child needs for the larger society to assure it of proper care and protection by certifying the primary care giver before he/she can leave the hospital with an infant. Just like with driver's education, a first time parent could be required to watch some videos and take some quizzes. When parenting is not done right, not only does the child suffer for the rest of his/her life, but also the rest of society suffers merely from having to live around people with personal problems.

[@JacobHamPhD]

yeah that would be nice. we should also provide a year of parental leave and financial support too like they do in denmark (i think)

[@milomazli]

It was a really insightful video Mr. Ham! Thank you! Could you please tell me if the video on "naming" or how to reassure an ambivalent partner is already on on your channel? I tried to find it, but from the titles I sadly couldnt! Lots of love from Austria xoxo

[@JacobHamPhD]

Hi Milo, I guess the Understanding how to use attachment for healing is the closest thing right now, but I have a couple's therapy session recorded that I'm planning on reviewing on my channel to show some key ideas about healing. It's just an audio recording of the session so i'm trying to figure out a good way to add something visual to it. I may just be my ugly mug talking to the camera though to just get the info out quickly :-(

[@desireedeaton]

Jacob Ham i too am anxiously awaiting info on how to begin healing anxious ambivalent attachment. Have you posted either of the examples you mention?

[@pauladamson9459]

Does ambivalent attachment evolve, or get modified into, trauma bonding?

[@JacobHamPhD]

That's a super interesting question and I bet there's truth in what you are suggesting.

[@anysaleandra]

I’m like triggered by the mom not giving any sort of hugs or love to the kid when he’s anxious maybe that’s a reflection of what happened to me growing up cause sometimes when I would cry I would get questioned instead of just held ☹️ like I just need a hug I don’t want you to ask me questions or to talk about it

[@filipthedev4159]

How can we help ourselves? If we are attached like this? I know it's hard to contol it

[@JacobHamPhD]

watch the other videos!

[@Anderson-gr5le]

What's the difference between ambivalent and anxious attachment.

[@JacobHamPhD]

I think they are the same. Anxious is the more super-ordinate category.

[@hadeeljaber5105]

I think that the other name for this attachment style is "fearful avoidant." But how come you haven't made a video about anxious-preoccupied attachment?

[@JacobHamPhD]

ambivalent was the label they used for infants and preoccupied was the label they used for adults but it refers to the same thing

[@brittanycopeland9255]

Aww thank you Jacob! This is so good!! 😭😭😭😭😭❤️

[@JacobHamPhD]

thank you!

[@Mona001-01g]

Please, please. Please what is the next video in this series. How do I help my self or my child overcome this attachment style?

[@VenusVoice]

thank you so much for helping me

[@dvxnerxys4838]

I've read the comments and yeah, I was like, "lol, being people like me must really be fucked up lol"

[@JacobHamPhD]

It's sometimes good to laugh at oneself if it brings you closer to yourself and others.

[@dvxnerxys4838]

Yeah, kind of a relief to know that there's people like you who can help people like us sort out this seemingly mess going on inside our heads. Knowing this reduces a bit of my anxiety, and it helps me understand myself, although, there still isn't anything I can do to change it.

[@dedu98]

I need more of these

[@JacobHamPhD]

thank you

[@TelevizorPeniput-wc1km]

Im 16 I've been stuck in this loop for 8 yrs i wanna get out finally i rly wanna have friends but when I wanna get to them and talk i get uncomfortable and my gut starts shaking fk it i hate it why couldn't i be loved like those safe kids

[@truelightseeker]

I think some people use this comment section to vent and I have to, too, right now. Today I am gonna take a train ride to a city 300km away to meet a woman in person I met on the internet a week ago and to see if we like each other and hopefully have sex. Does this sounds crazy to anyone? Because it sure does to me, but I have an anxious-ambivalent attachment and even going out for a coffee next door would make me feel the same insecurities and fear. This could be a couple great days we spend together or it could be my absolute doom and demise. Welcome in the soul of someone with anxious-ambivalent attachment... Jacob said in another comment to someone: Growth happens most when you grow comfortable with falling and failing and learning. Best of luck. I know it's incredibly painful and scary but there's no shortcut around the grind of living. I love that, it makes me feel that failing is okay. That I am not a failure myself for failing. Thanks a lot for that Jacob

[@JacobHamPhD]

Good luck in finding true connection!

[@truelightseeker]

@@JacobHamPhD Thanks Jacob, I am gonna need that luck, because this wasn't it. I want to shortly tell people what happened and what I learned from it. It was neither absolute doom and demise, nor were it a couple great days. The short version is I went to the meeting point we agreed on and she said she would be a bit late and then asked for pictures to prove that I was there. And I thought being cautios on here side is reasonable. So I sent selfies of me with the cafè we wanted to meet at in the background. And then she wanted to meet me in front of a supermarket nearby the cafe and that she would need 30 minutes to get there. Since I was already in town, I had nothing better to do and went there. As a little sidestory, I went inside and bought a coke, but because of Corona you have to take a shopping cart with you and I did, came outside and since there were so few carts a woman offered me 1€, which is the coin you have to put into the cart to unchain it from the other carts (its normal in Germany where I live), so I she could take mine and I said yes. But I didn't notice my coke was still in the cart, so she disappeared with my coke and I didn't even get that, which annoys me more than the entire main story I will now return to. So, the woman I wanted to meet left me waiting and then she said that I had to prove to her that I really want her and am a "real man" and should smash a window or do something else illegal. Which I absolutely refused and for which I got insulted as a worm and other things and she said I either do it or go home with empty hands. And I insulted her back of course, saying she is dissocial and dumb and that she will stay forever alone because she exploits the trust of others. And then I stopped talking to her, enjoyed the city as best as I could and in the evening I went home. We met each other, because she posted in a Steam Dating Group and she said she had a special kink which made me interested and then when we talked about ourself and she said she has the same interests as me and studies psychology and seemed very nice and interested in the beginning. She even sent me two pictures which seemed real and the profile she used was old and she had a lot of games, so it was not a quick thing you set up to scam people. But there were a lot of redflags all along the way. Things she said didn't sound quite true. She was talking in short sentences. She never messaged me first to start a conversation. She had no smartphone to chat with. Stuff like that. Also her special kink was Zoosadism, which is getting sexual pleasure from torturing animals and she wanted me to torture a mouse to prove my worth. Looking back I should have immediately ended all conversation there and I did at first. I said I won't do that and she insulted me then as well and so I kicked her off my friendslist and she left a comment on my profile yelling at me and saying that she wanted to help me and that she doesn't want to lose me and...thinking back about it I wonder why I believed any of this and started talking to her again. Then she was nice again and offered me to meet her in person which she didn't want to do before and she said it would be okay if we have sex and I could stay at her place and so on. It was all very mixed. She was either real and crazy or it was all just a fake from the start. And I think because I am so desparate for attention and the possibility of physical connection and sex and all of that I chose to graciously ignore all of the redflags. But I didn't just say that all for venting. I also wanted to share what I learned, which others may find useful. First thing is: Never travel far for someone you do not absolutely trust. They can always decide to just not show up and so you have spend money, time and effort and all you get for it is disappointment. Second thing is: Date locally, so you can meet the other person without much effort and risk. You can simply meet, see if the chemistry works and if doesn't you just go home again without losing much in the process. Also I would say, do not ignore your redflags even when you are desperate. They are there for a reason. However that is more somthing my head says, something intellectual. I know I will ignore redflags again and take leaps of faith that will lead to me falling onto my nose. If you are psychologically or psychotherapeutically inclined you may want to read on, because I want to say something about my inner feelings and happenings during that experience. As I said in the original comment I was very nervous that morning, because I knew it could all be ruse, one big falsehood. But I wanted to believe in it and take that chance no matter what. And I have inner representations of feelings or concepts, they are kinda like actors representing something. And I specifically thought about two. One is the old warrior and the other is the inner child. The bleeding warrior represents my emotional needs and pain and scars, especially in relation to human interaction, bonding and love. And I get the vision in my mind of me bleeding profusely in my face when I get hurt and feel left alone. Kind of as a way to represent the emotional pain and especially the bleeding out stands for that feeling of losing my connection with people and returning to a cold and dark isolation. The inner child represents the things about me that are still immature, innocent, naive and aimed at gaining lust. But also the ones that are insecure and frightened. So I asked them both that morning what they think we should do. The bleeding warrior sat sideways in an armchair and let his legs dangle over the side. He had lots of little cut scars all over his body, but he wasn't bleeding. He said this whole thing is mighty dangerous and could lead to major damage, but that it is worth the try and we should definely do it, despite of the risk. The inner child is a small child that I usually carry on my arms with me and he hugs me and he says me what he wants and then I have to figure out a way to balance my adult needs and my child needs so we are both content. But when I conjured him up instead he was carrying me in his arms around my legs. Which looked like a Tom and Jerry cartoon and he was all like: "Let's go, there adventure to be had and big prize to be found." On my way to meet the woman, while I was in the train I got calmer knowing I was on my way and did my part to meet up. The dice were thrown and I had passed the rubicon. But I also got worried about it actually working out. About having a relationship with a woman living 300km away. I then figured all I really hope for here is sex and then to actually not have a relationship. Like that woman in the lovelink podcast who was atleast as afraid of being in a relationship as she was of losing it. So when the entire thing went south I think I was quite okay it. All I felt was a disappointment and anger. And I tried to have some revenge. I asked the local police if anything she did was illegal, but it wasn't and it was my personal risk to go there. And also I reported her profile and so maybe she loses that or something I don't know. I just want that she has to face some consequences for her actions and loses something as well. I think I took it so well, because I said to myself: "I failed, but I am not a failure!" which made me tear up when I said it. I didn't achieve what I want, but it was not my fault. I did more than enough. I trusted her, I invested time and money and did what she wanted until she reached my personal boundaries and wanted to push me beyond them and I said: NO! No way! And then I turned it around and start to chat with a good friend of mine who knew I was going to meet the woman and who crossed his fingers for me. And I chatted with my little sister who knows a lot more about dating and women than me and I should ask her in advance next time. And also a friend who lived in the city I was now stuck in for interesting places to visit and by her recommendation I went to a huuuge bookstore. They had so many books my head was spinning, but I bought me a collection of all the Ghost in the Shell mangas, which I wanted to read for a long time and I was quite happy with that and felt it was more worth it to have come there. On my way home I thought it all through and talked to that woman I wanted to meet in my head. Simply put I don't see anything I did wrong and trusting her was the right decision, because that is how I learned a lot that day and I will now be better at juding people and what I should or should not do on my search for true connection. But I will never trust her again. That's for sure! I am gonna close with the bleeding warrior and my inner child. Because they appeared in my mind on my way home. When I walking around the train station, while I had to wait for the train which brought me home, the bleeding warrior appeared. Not before me, but sort of layered on top of me, as if I was him, but also myself. I was hurt in his face and bled a little, not a lot like usual, and he was in a bad mood. Because he wasn't hurt by something that happened, like an accident that just happens. He was injured by someone on purpose and he/I/we could say: "She is the culprit!" Which felt relieving to me, because usually when interpersonal things go wrong I make myself responsible for it. And right before the front door of the apartment building I live in I looked down to the right of me and I saw me holding hands with my inner child. He was a bit bigger than usual, older and more mature. I looked him in the eyes, he looked me in the eyes and then we both shrugged our shoulders at the same time and thought: "This day was weird."

[@ThinkAloud]

After reading all the comments I felt I am not alone stuck in this situation. I am of body age 31 by the way...mentally my age changes according to the time and situation for that day !!!

[@JacobHamPhD]

that's wonderful to hear actually. it's through sharing that we realize we are not alone...