John Gottman: How to Build Trust

The renowned marriage expert explains that couples build trust in the small moments of a relationship, when we're emotionally attuned to our partner.
Learn more tips on how to build trust here: greatergood.berkeley.edu

[@JVanProduction]

It’s funny watching this video now that I can see what and where it went wrong in my past relationship. You don’t have to be married to use these seminars as tools. This advice is great as a foundation in relationships too.

[@tishataray]

Me 2 especially CL Alt..guilty

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Don’t beat yourself up ok. We all learn to succeed by experience ok. We all grow into who we are this way. I’m sure there’s another to love you that you will win with because of this experience. Live and learn amen. (These are great tools to know for sure)

[@HJ-nj2jq]

The sad thing is that it is always the person who has been rejected, ignored, and hurt again and again watching this video. It is always the person who is searching for an answer desperately because the pain is so deep that came across this video. But the person who actually needs to know this would not watch this video, and if you send them a link, they would say "oh I don't need this crap".

[@JOCECIL]

Yesssss 💔

[@user-jn6jm4bb6f]

Videos of this type are not intended for the person who commits the injustice, they are intended for the person who is being wronged. So that he can understand what situation he is in. Giving words to feelings means understanding the problem, being able to express what the problem is. And that means walking a long, long way towards the solution. Many times the person who creates the problem cannot recognize it if the person in front of him cannot express it in words. After the problem has been named and expressed, the initial free choice is the offender's, but it is followed by the victim's free choice.

[@navigatingreligiousnarcissism]

You are probably mostly right. But I am watching this video under very different circumstances. I am watching this video as homework from my counselor. I am in couples counseling with someone who has been through most of the same abuses I have and now we are working on how to grow our relationship the right way. It is amazing going through this with someone who DOES want to learn and grow, not for the pain experienced, but for the future of our relationship! I pray the same things for your future.

[@CrouchingscarabflyingJ]

Not me, I'm the abuser. Learning how to cover for my behavior

[@user-jn6jm4bb6f]

​@@CrouchingscarabflyingJ And how do you become an abuser? By imitating the abuse that was done to you. And why did you become an abuser? Because you thought that if you were unhappy because you were abused, surely happiness is on the other side, with the abuser. And why do you want to cover up your behavior? Because deep down, you are ashamed of it. How Get out of it? Realize that being an abuser or being abused are not the only two situations a person can choose. There are situations in which a person will choose, and be truly happy.

[@psychologistniranjan]

I learnt that betrayal is when we start thinking i can do better - it erodes the commitment

[@lmicali1]

WOW!! Isn't it easier to escalate a conflict versus see the other person's point of view and build trust!!?? A humbling moment and food for thought!

[@schiacciatrollo]

but yours is a bit .. or a big bite right out of the interpretation pocket .. see, noticing somewhat in another persons behaviour don't make you an expert of the other person .. yes, you can take advantage of the moment .. but what about the many misinterpretations on your way .. this woman's sad face, well, sometimes another person is processing something all by itself .. but stopp me: you need a different setting than the woman in front of the mirror and the passing by with his heuristic view

[@Alex-dk1um]

This is literally the main reason why I’m divorced. I’m grateful to be learning and practicing this now🤙🏼

[@schiacciatrollo]

is it one-sided? i mean there is your effort .. but what about the counterpart?

[@Theanimatedcow]

This guy is fucking cool.

[@schiacciatrollo]

is he?

[@circuscyaneus3709]

Trust is built in sliding-door moments: choose not to turn away, but to be attuned to the other person's emotions and responding non-defensively and empathetically. Betrayal is not the same as mistrust. Betrayal is turning away thinking "I don't have to deal with this now, and anyway I could have it better..."

[@kelleyhopkinsalvarezlpc]

John has a way of touching our hearts and minds, every video he makes is so authentic!

[@onedone2011]

John is a total fraud and he needs to put the cameras away and stop spying on people! I have only anger and contempt for him!

[@schiacciatrollo]

be more specific .. 'authentic' ..what do you see or understand?

[@sharpatite4684]

​@@onedone2011why, please?

[@cameochambers9460]

Such an incredible video! In under 5 minutes, so much valuable information for me as a clinician and future Gottman certified therapist and for the clients I share it with.

[@keyvangeula7807]

Gottman explaining how to take advantage of little opportunities of building trust by humility and appreciation of the relationship. He calls it cherishing instead of trashing the relationship. This cherishing becomes a lot more easier when we bring is the shared love for a meaningful and sublime point of adoration like ones faith and values.

[@schiacciatrollo]

always when the partner is an interested one .. but i don't see any ideas of appointments taken by any sides .. so it is a theorist more than an adviser who will make you able get pragmatic and do 'both' the right one thing .. he is seeing the monogamic downslide .. i mean they slide until god do part them .. that he saying: behave well and you will slide down fine .. be aware of the slide .. it will end down there .. then he says pointing on himself .. well, i could be a bad slider, but i'm not .. i could be bad, but it is all the time my decision not to ..

[@christinawatters8871]

That was extremely deep am only 34 year's old but I understand exactly what he was saying. Just because a person have emotions doesn't mean you always have to think you don't have to put up with this especially if the person is not violent. We are human we get emotionally disturbed by different things .

[@schiacciatrollo]

but it is a lonesome one-sided ado .. so don't be too enthusiastic

[@apenny35]

The CL Alt principle reminds me so much of Terry Warner's "Bonds that Make Us Free".

[@schiacciatrollo]

'hopefully' - right?

[@huntercynthia1]

I felt good about you when you chose to 'be there' in the moment with your wife. Even I trust you more now.

[@schiacciatrollo]

did he chose for both?

[@dragonstaye4557]

How to build trust? Be trustworthy💜

[@schiacciatrollo]

not at all. what you are praying is 'the solo'

[@vunilla]

This man speaks gold

[@schiacciatrollo]

as much has he makes gold.

[@Bluevelvet4]

Awesome video I enjoyed it

[@jamiecee4960]

I'm learning to build trust with a group of males. Learning to trust males again. Was outside a bit ago. It was almost too quiet. The coyotes made my heart skip a bit tonight for some reason. lol. I think because it was way too quiet. One of them came out with me and it calmed me. It's like they know. 🙂These men have taught me so much more than anyone has. I believe these people have taught me more I think than my own family. That is why I believe they are my Soul family. And wherever I am they will be with me.

[@sirwryter5829]

My lady is the best

[@nononsenseinrational]

Great channel, keep' em coming!

[@punkseth1]

Where is the full talk? I would like to watch :)

[@schiacciatrollo]

you won't find anything in it .. not because of you .. because of him, who isn't the right jew for you (joking .. because it rhymes)

[@claudiamanta1943]

This is NOT about trust. Or about betrayal. It’s about being empathetic and caring (though I would recommend NOT going into the bathroom when your lady is there, sad or not, as I would not recommend the frontal approach of a direct line of interrogation ‘Why are you sad?’ except as a last resort after all other means of understanding are fruitless- give her space, be there so she wants to open up, etc). Look. It’s simple. Trust is broken when you say one thing and do another. When you pretend to be someone/ something you’re not. With lots of effort a relationship could appear to continue, but trust cannot be restored. Ever.

[@thesetruths1404]

U think trust can never be restored? Have some kind of reference for this? Or just your opinion?

[@JesseNickelltheFourth]

So good!

[@daveminion6209]

This Acronym (ATUNE) looks so much like the OODA Loop: O - Observe O- Orient D - Decide A - Act

[@supriya_choudhary]

such a lovely video!!!

[@schiacciatrollo]

why?

[@garyzornow484]

Hello Sometimes it's not that you could do better but rather you want to do without. You can do without the hassle or additional frustration.

[@Saa42808]

“Trust” on what?

[@kristine6996]

It wasn’t about betrayal.

[@schiacciatrollo]

here only the i.part is talking .. the you.part is missing .. so maybe the you.part is even missed by miles .. we got here an upspeaker .. what we nead is the exemplary pair who shows how they usually talk to each other

[@TheSail2222]

Wow hit the nail on the head there. Made it very clear. Thanks!

[@luzmunoz5848]

Thanks for this helpful knowledge for our marriages.

[@schiacciatrollo]

examplerism vs pragmatism

[@goproprim0332]

Wow this is so helpful! Thank you!

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

I remember the day when I felt that my wife doesn't care about me at all. I sat at the job site and cried, for an hour or maybe two. After that day all hell broke loose. All my empathy towards her was turned off. I'm quite sure that now she believes in me being a narcissist 😂 Lesson for our dear ladies, if you destroy all trust by neglecting his needs and prioritizing your "career" it will hit you back very hard. Don't cry after that about "narcissistic husband".

[@nickjoran781]

Sad part is I've already lost my trust from my family and I dont have that long to be staying wih them and will be living out on my own for the good of my own future. After years of pathological lying and stealing I come to the point where I tell myself that im moving out of my familys, live independently and knowing that I failed them because I wont be able to rebuild that trust. Everybody locks they're doors on me and takes their car keys away far away from me. I am a failure.

[@medwithsid]

Wise man talking

[@cam2239A]

God bless you and your work we're all human. You said you went and took the airbrush from her hand, which I thought could have been invasive, and asked her why so sad, as if she were a child, not trusting her to tell you in her own time, if she felt the need, youre not responsible for how she feels, only for how you feel?

[@schiacciatrollo]

no excuse 'we are all human' .. worse when you have it as a repertoire and in permanent us for your own psychic hygiene

[@wesleywallace4426]

That's his wife, not some female coworker. You don't know their relationship.

[@mgtowbylogic5592]

Yeah, it’s called hypergamy.

[@LoganRodriguez-hl3ou]

but what if you COULD indeed do better and even though you give it all u can, you don't feel like your spouse is incapable of doing the same for you? a rhetorical question; it's just worth mentioning.

[@rkwakernaak]

Very clear presentation! Thank you!

[@schiacciatrollo]

but useless

[@ncb1003]

C L Alt...I know that drill all to well...

[@francisjermin]

If your ex is sending you picture of themselves nude is that cheating?

[@dsimmons8836]

And sadly he or she is called a Narcissist

[@oh_rhythm]

but what if you COULD indeed do better and even though you give it all u can, you don't feel like your spouse is incapable of doing the same for you? a rhetorical question; it's just worth mentioning.

[@schiacciatrollo]

right .. truth itself begins .. how do you put it? in two? by two? because it is mostly a thing of two parts .. you are right 'where i s the home and the way out of the isolation? you are right: what when i know it but my partner don't knows it and don't even care .. where is the least common denominator found and rendered as basis by both

[@Larry21924]

Wow, this content is outstanding. I had the pleasure of reading something similar, and it left me speechless. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@vigouroso]

First of all, we should identify the people who are obsessed with the subject matter of trust and unduly criticize others for not living up to their irrational standards of it!!!

[@2joanna1]

Awesome... Very interesting!

[@WolfepackJSJGA]

"Together" for 21 years and found out its all been lies. The four horseman have fathered many offspring in our relationship. Am guilty of many of these 4 horseman

[@scotteric8711]

Anybody holding the link for the full length talk? I know that wasn't it.

[@ChrisLevelsUp]

I love this. Thank you

[@HereIsSarah]

ohmeh gawd.

[@TheRushMethod]

Well said. I wonder if you know of contextual therapy by Nagy

[@HackersThievesStalkers]

By being authentic and engaging others face to face .

[@noorshamiah8353]

شكرا دكتور

[@coreysnow9396]

where can i see this entire seminar?

[@schiacciatrollo]

to learn what? .. how to sponsor your own yearnings?

[@Arkenva]

Is there somewhere we can see this full talk?

[@dawnurbina176]

Beautiful

[@schiacciatrollo]

yes, romantic!

[@rasheedderbas1994]

🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸

[@MrCrocodog]

Asks wife what's wrong>opens a can of worms>que curb your enthusiasm theme song

[@schiacciatrollo]

well, to be fair, this isn't meant and wasn't the same same example in this video .. but you are touching a chord

[@cwmoriarty]

Where is the full video?

[@NecessariusBalance]

I can do all those things she still treats me ugly.

[@Ilovesushi123456]

I’m poison

[@simiancinema2022]

TRUTH, BUBBELEH! TRUTH BOMBZ!!!

[@adrianasantos4643]

Deveriam traduzir...

[@bytheivy]

0:40

[@evadebruijn]

✌️

[@pamelacohenifland]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@andrewboyddotcom]

I love Josephine so much.

[@schiacciatrollo]

poor josephine ..

[@vladimirgoodness2212]

Cl alt

[@fidorfsmf6349]

She faked that "sad" face to foul you Trust my a**

[@schiacciatrollo]

too much of behaviourism founded .. and too theoretical .. too much of an aboutism .. and too much of a slide than cultivating any meeting.points .. there are two persons, not one .. and the anecdote is grounded on itelling .. well, i say no to relationship popes like this one here, rabbi or not

[@LiborTinka]

But doesn't caring about the partner promote neediness and in him/her ?? It looks like the care only makes the partner more dependent.

[@zhongweichew6199]

+Libor Tinka That's what partners are for. We can depend on each other for emotional and social support. After all, we're gonna have our bad days in life and we'll need support; we're merely humans.

[@goldenapples5494]

+Libor Tinka Neediness is not caused by being cared for or loved. Neediness stems from the fear that, "I'm not going to get what I need," or a fear of abandonment, etc. If you are showing you care and are helping your partner feel safe and secure in your relationship, they are less likely to be needy or clingy.

[@Ammondn]

+Libor Tinka I think its important to give support in order to receive support.

[@Hijodeganas1]

Neediness is about what YOU want, it's self-centered. Love is about what THE OTHER wants. You noticed, in his anecdote he mentioned he asked her what was wrong because she looked sad. Otherwise, he would have felt free to go back to his book.

[@LiborTinka]

I did exactly this becoming a doormat for most girls. And I said to myself NO MORE - I love myself too much to give more of myself. I think it's more important to fullfill your needs first and then you can give. You can't give what you don't have or give out of scarcity.

[@AverageAngel]

Betrayal starts from the thought of “I can do better than this person” - wow