I Think My Adult Daughter Is Mentally Ill

[@niakogo5791]

Mystery solved: if 20 minutes of listening to the mom made people in the comments want to scream, what did 28 years of listening to her done to her daughter?

[@Sunsetsnail99]

Yeah she had an answer for it all

[@pamelacroya1502]

Reality check…the courts do not take away a father’s rights because he is emotionally abusive. I divorced a man like that, hoping to spare my daughter. But divorce made it worse. When we were together I took the brunt of it. After divorce I was forced to give him visitation and she was alone with him & the step mom. I did everything I could to give her love & stability but his mental abuse took a toll on us. (I was lucky to have full custody so he only got visitation. Now joint custody is the norm)

[@TGMeli]

Thank you. I felt so bad for the rage I had listening to this woman but I realize now it's not me, it's her.

[@wijny4222]

@@niakogo5791 john delony‘s comment section: the place where armchair psychologists think they know everythinf about someone based on a 20 minute phone call. welcome!

[@RaleighLink]

I'm so glad these comments are pointing out how bad of a mother this woman is. A literal co-abuser to her daughter, then wonders why her daughter has problems. Like, really lady? I'm sick of bad people calling into this show to make themselves feel better.

[@marcsi05]

Me on the other hand am quite happy (in lack of a better word) that they call in because John’s not playing along, so that’s helpful for me in learning how to approach such discussions. Best case they get a wake up call, finally. My codependent parent could have been the one making this call, and I believe would have an equally as hard time internalising his response because of being so disconnected from their own trauma, too scared of touching it, but would really need to hear it and let it sink a little bit deeper in.

[@Gemmarose9012]

That’s not what I heard at all. I heard she feels horrible for failing her daughter and wondering what to do about it. This means she cares. Thank God you’re not a therapist cause you would REALLY SUCK at it. She clearly wants to change and help.

[@cathycoryell2351]

Under rated

[@bubba94290]

@@Gemmarose9012I have a feeling that we’d be getting a different story of how her mother treated her if we were to hear her side of the story

[@cdawg9218]

​​​@@Gemmarose9012if she was actually sorry then she wouldn't be trying to shift the blame off herself or make excuses or dismiss like she is. She's not being accountable, she's trying to absolve her guilt. YOU would make a terrible therapist, I don't blame her daughter for being mad at her, she can't even admit properly that she failed her.

[@hr3134]

Sounds like she just wants to label her daughter and get sympathy for having to deal with her. She was all sighs and no love. I feel bad for her daughter.

[@gayleodonnell4860]

~~~VERY HEAVY SIGHS~~~

[@Tinycadancer]

I heard them more as taking big breaths and letting them out because her chest is tight… The woman knows she is a big part of the whole issue… She called hoping she wouldn’t sound that way to John but if she watches the show at all……… I’m not sure why she expected to influence him. These people.

[@Luke-zv6bb]

I mean, there are points where i don’t hear sincerity, but it gets realer, the more when she mentioned her own issues,

[@ec-kj4yp]

Woo man, Dr. John had god level patience with this caller. She denied every single thing he said or said she was already doing that. I hope she and her daughter get the help they truly need.

[@spacepope87]

No kidding. That was frustrating. Her home sounds like it was the perfect storm of hell. Dad was mentally unstable and abussive. Mom had a very "that's the way the cookie crumbles" type attitude. Mom is just as guilty as dad for what happened to their daughter.

[@lindav1189]

I felt the same way. I would have lost patience after the first 3 minutes

[@niakogo5791]

Recap: "How do I help my daughter not to be so terrible and awful, like her father? Ive suffered greatly from the two of them. I forgive myself for not protecting her, why can't she appreciate how hard is for me?!"

[@krystdeangel]

If the mom realized the daughter was feeling the same way, not feeling herd is one of the reason why people yell out of frustration. You don't understand what they are trying to say even though they barley know how to articulate what they feel, is why people tend to yell, besides asserting authority or dominance.

[@freethinker4596]

Me,Me, ME

[@moonshinedown2]

this mother sounds exactly like mine. she's never going to change

[@14elvira14]

When the problem asks what the problem is..

[@angelicaangel2624]

Bingo!

[@jwhite5396]

So true.

[@kristyhughes3146]

🏆🏅🎖🥇

[@juliaorpheus]

He is such a masterful therapist. It blows my mind that he always asks the right questions to get to the heart of the matter and speaks to callers with such compassion and dignity.

[@navy_flyer2331]

He's not a therapist.

[@Frannie2199]

@@navy_flyer2331then what is he? A counselor? A psychologist?

[@michaelking4578]

This lady can't be helped. She doesn't want it. She wants to have someone agree with the way she is trying to control her daughter.

[@kiwiskiwi]

Oooh the ol classic "she's just like her father" . Leave her alone lady and her life will get better. "I forgive myself for not protecting you" oh what a freakin saint..

[@lyssgoddess]

She may have forgiven herself but the daughter didn’t and instead of correcting it she wants to blame mental illness she gave her child 😂

[@anonymixx8106]

For REAL 😮‍💨🙄

[@ARS-fn6px]

This comment section is so validating to me since I struggled with cPTSD and anger issues all my life, especially towards my mom. I never understood why, because she always been loving, supportive and a sweet and caring person overal, but now and slowly I begin to understand that emotional abandonment is abvs3 and she loves to be a martyr and a victim for men, society and situations at her childrens expense. She thinks being a "good person" aka a doormat is a virtue, even if it costs her the safety and well being of her own children. Its maddening. Once you become a mother you need to have boundaries, learn to say no and be willing to become a villain to other people to protect your children.

[@rebekahjoy7921]

YES!!! THIS IS MY MOTHER ALSO!! My mind is blown rn. She’s a good person also but lacks that emotional bond with her own children and we have to be the ones to protect HER emotions. It IS maddening.

[@kmallen88]

Same here 🙋🏼‍♀️ You described it perfectly.

[@lindav1189]

​@@kmallen88 sisters. I have been no contact with my mother for the last 13 years. Both my mother and father were schoolyard bullies. I needed years and years of therapy after them. Two weeks out of high school I eloped with the first boy who paid attention to me, just to get away from them. She got worse and nastier as she got older. We had a big blow up and I knew that would be the end. She shot herself in the foot since I'm retired and could have driven her all over. Thank God I'm not in that position. I would do things for her still hoping that if I did those nice things she would like me.

[@LS-ry5ey]

Sounds like a parent who neglected their child and is suddenly "shocked" that her child is angry. And callers "research" isn't "research" (I doubt it, unless called has a phD in psychology). Caller was/is a seriously neglectful parent

[@barefooterin2817]

No. Her daughter is psychotic. And she is guilty for not recognizing it and getting her help when she did have control.

[@alicelaybourne1620]

@@barefooterin2817 Anita, is that you? LOL. Where did you get psychotic from?

[@michaelallen1154]

This caller admitted that she neglected to emotionally protect the daughter when she was growing up. She didn't fight for her then and now she's wondering what's wrong with her. She played it off as _I didn't know anything about mental health back then_ ... I just have to ask, Anita, is that your way of saying _I knew she was being abused, but I needed the financial support from her dad and I looked the other way while she was being destroyed._ ???

[@eisenhower9069]

Spot on

[@TrenosBah]

For real, I see it so often parents neglecting their kids and then wondering why they're so mentally unstable when they grow up. Like damn I wonder why? And then they always refuse to take accountability. Like damn, my child was physically and emotionally abused and now she's "mentally ill", using that as some kind of coverup as to why your kids are so traumatized that they don't even realise it because of your terrible parenting, and then act like its the kids fault for being like that. Some people shouldn't be parents.

[@nikstar1313]

That’s what my mother did.. it feels like she is so shady..triggered by this lady “I do that already” and how do I help her vs how do I support her ❤ Everything the daughter has done is a reflection of Anita’s parenting and role modelled to her.. I am feeling like the pot is calling the kettle black or something.. idk. So shady

[@Erieluv08]

So many kids go through this including myself. It's traumatic

[@eheheh3263]

My mom with my stepdad and she still had the nerve to gift me a book on depression 😂😂😂

[@pengyou2000]

She reminds me of that mom on TikTok who created a "no-contact support group for parents" essentially for parents who want to be coddled after their kids cut them off for life long childhood and adulthood abuse in the family system. "She also used words like "her father abused her, it wasn't me, I didn't notice it, maybe sometimes I noticed but didn't intervene " "why is she so mad that I stayed with her abuser...". These people have high narc traits and don't see themselves, as a parent, watching another parent abuse their children as a problem. The problem they see is "I was the good one, why isn't my child loving me and choosing me. Why is my now adult child instead selfishly(as they like to say) choosing themselves?"...LIKE GET A GRIP

[@ukrose]

Support group just to reaffirm and justify their toxic behavior. They'd rather continue playing victim than take accountability

[@AutumnMoonlight95]

Exactly! That's how I grew up and to this day neither will accept blame for what they did.

[@jenniferindigochameleon6680]

The Missing, Missing reasons. Google issendai s project on estranged parents. Parents are always responsible then a child needs estrangement.

[@MsSwann]

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking!

[@thevansickelherps]

As an adult daughter formally diagnosed with BPD who grew up with a narcissistic father and a mother who, although facing her own demons, should have left the marriage decades sooner, I too was raised in an incredibly toxic environment... It damaged my nervous system to depths I'm still discovering and realizing. I'm a mother now and am committed to unbinding myself to as much of my childhood trauma and patterns of abuse as I possibly can, through therapy (including modalities like DBT and EMDR which Dr. John mentioned). At one point I was in therapy twice a week... I put the work in and continue to. I deserve it (that took a long time to come to that conclusion) and my babies certainly do. Calls like this break my heart. This caller, although my heart goes out to her, needs to come face to face with the reality that she subjected her daughter to... Her daughter's illness is not a monster of her own making... Until the mom faces that head on she won't be able to release the shame of it - knowing you as a mom did not protect your child as you should have and their brain is, in some ways, permanently affected by it (treatment can do amazing things, but some aspects will present lifelong struggles to monitor and manage). I wish I could give the caller a hug... I wish I could give the daughter a hug even more.

[@devih9134]

Yaas!!!! Breaking that cycle. You are amazing 🎉. And may the caller and her daughter heal ♥️

[@Djwyrm]

Emdr at first was brutal. One of the closest times I almost became an alcoholic. Never drank before but managed to pull it together. The end result was worth it.

[@nicolab2075]

So well put. All the best to you

[@katieandnick4113]

Wow, your compassion for the caller really warms my heart, and it’s exactly what women need in order to feel safe enough to acknowledge the roles we play in the suffering of our children. While I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD, I have previously met criteria for a few different DSM diagnoses, and when I was finally able, at age 38, to see myself as a whole human being as opposed to some sort of savior of the world, I felt very comfortable acknowledging the role I have played in the suffering of my kids. I find it interesting that we collectively pathologize people who think and operate in complete alignment with our very broken world. By this, I mean the black and white thinking that is not only encouraged, but almost required in this world in order to function the way society demands that we do. This idea that only “bad people” hurt others, and that if we hurt others, it’s because we wanted to and we could have done otherwise at the time, if we just tried harder. It’s so twisted, and only fortifies the very fragile egos that it seems the vast majority of us have. Seriously, your comment made me tear up. I do actually have a bit of a hypothesis about people who are diagnosed with BPD. I think they are people who have maintained a relatively strong connection to their humanity, and in a very broken, inhumane world, a strong connection to our humanity results in so much conscious pain. I think they have lots of potential to become extremely healthy(more emotionally healthy than the average person, for sure) if they are able to stop seeing themselves as broken. Sadly, it seems our society has been designed to make us all feel very broken, on an intrinsic and individual level, so healing doesn’t happen for most. But when it does, it’s an absolutely amazing thing to observe. Your kids are very lucky.

[@thevansickelherps]

@@katieandnick4113 I really appreciate your comment, thank you! I like what you said about the idea that only "bad people" hurt others not being true. One of my biggest personal battles is knowing that, like everyone, I'm learning how to be a parent while already presently being one, having to learn on my feet as I go, and knowing that even with my BEST personal efforts (including working on myself to be a healthier person with things like therapy) I'm still going to hurt my kids sometimes. For me, I feel immense pressure to break generational cycles all in one go and not pass on any trauma at all, and the reality is, that's simply impossible. Generational cycles took generations to build and they'll take generations to fully undo. I can only do my best part in that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Reminding myself removes some of the pressure from me and allows me to have grace for myself instead of ruminating in self-hatred and punishment, which is hallmark in diagnosis like mine (BPD+other comorbidities). I really appreciate your sharing!

[@MorgiPessoa]

I went no contact with my mom precisely because of this. She let me be physically, sexually and verbally abused for years. In some situations she would be present and do absolutely nothing. She told me not to tell anyone when I had pyshical evidence and she made me lie tto the police. Even then, I tried working it out. I asked her why she didnt do anything and she said she didnt want to fight. So I guess me being abused was better and more tolerable to her. She hasnt honestly taken accountability and she says its all in the past and if we cant go back then why talk about it? I grew up thinking she was the good parent, but what good parent would enable the abuse of their kids? She can try to forgive herself or whatever but I don't. The level of disrespect and abuse this women has put me through is just insane. And if she reeally was worried about it she would try to fix the relationship and take accountability.

[@sarahp8937]

I am also a carbon copy of this story and I hope the caller sees my message. The daughter is resentful and a tiny child inside an adult body wishing she was protected by her mother. And she does not feel by the mother's actions that she is truly sorry for missing the ball. My mother says sorry but continues to allow her partner to treat us and others terribly. Actions speak louder than words

[@eheheh3263]

The daughter also wants the mother to acknowledge and take responsibility for her failures

[@MsDorcelus]

Bingo! Unfortunately, I identify with the experience of the daughter to some extent.

[@jwhite5396]

Anita’s daughter learned her unhealthy relational skills from her parents. I hope Anita continues on with therapy and is able to take in what the therapist is trying to teach her. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, by Lindsay Gibson is an eye opening, great read.

[@lyssgoddess]

Me too 28 years old with BPD! I have never felt so heard WOAH!! ❤

[@lyssgoddess]

@@eheheh3263 yes 🙌

[@DianaandherGuitar]

This woman doesn’t want help, she wants vindication. Gross

[@lyssgoddess]

She wants John to say that it’s the daughter’s mental illness and shift blame for what she caused within her child back to the child. Reality is it’s her fault her daughter is that way… I come from a home just like this. I am 28 with borderline… I joined the army and never looked back. I am pregnant with my first child and refused all of them to be at the birth because they are emotionally unsafe for me. I have never felt so in control of my life because I am away from them. When I had a threatened miscarriage and told my mother she said “maybe the hospital took your baby out of you” When I told her I had Borderline she said “people have gone through worse then you and don’t even have the disorder” 😂 These parents always look to shift blame to us (the children) I did explode at my partner too. We have been through therapy, marriage counseling and have a better marriage than most people I know. It’s been 7 years no kids with the help of professionals like John. I’m proud of how far I have come. Im JUST LIKE THIS GIRL… it’s crazy… it’s been 7 years I still catch myself in the cycle of borderline personality. All of it stems from the 6 year old I was who was locked inside my bedroom and left without comfort or love… Literally in a room alone for hours crying… I feel sorry for this girl. Parents blame mental illness when they gave it to their children or caused it and we as children want them to admit they didn’t step up and make us safe and comfortable.

[@mahgimay2490]

...she literally didn't listen to him - repeats herself for forever - drolls on and on and on - blames her baby daddy - never has a point.

[@teabrown02]

Lort! I've never heard so much sighing and throat clearing during a call. Mercy!

[@Imfleurdelis]

I KNOW!! Lady - YOU called - get to the point already!

[@MsDorcelus]

@Imfleurdellis: I was screaming those exact words while listening to her tap dance around the issue. 😒

[@suen5006]

So what? For some people, it's hard to get out the words. This is tough stuff.

[@Waynem.9363]

😂😂😂

[@juicysmith38235]

Is that you Madea ??? 👀

[@teddyinbed]

My mother does this. She will not show any empathy or support for my vulnerable suffering moments, silencing my words. Then she gaslights me saying I am mentally ill because I don’t like her. The mother needs to help herself, not her kid.

[@lyssgoddess]

Dude same I am mind blown by this conversation 😂❤

[@OnlyDisco]

Same here! I've always thought it's my fault. Just a few years ago, after going to a psychiatrist for ages, I realised that she was severely troubled. Every time I suggested therapy for her, I was the crazy one.... We don't talk for 6 years, and I still can't understand how a parent can treat his own child like that?! I am so grateful for all your comments, just to know that I am not alone in this.... ❤

[@simplyem1697]

When she said “she has borderline from the research I’ve done online” I lost it😂

[@ytsejamisme]

When all the KZbin commenters are yelling at a Dr John caller to leave an abusive relationship... this is why! Stop making dumb excuses (no money / we have kids / I'm a Christian / for better or worse / I'm working on it / kids are almost done with school) and LEAVE!! If you don't, you are complicit in the abuse.

[@alexanderloeb]

As much as I know it sucked to be this lady, her constant sighs of exasperated helplessness were infuriating. I can completely imagine how her daughter might blow up at her for still assuming the role of victim, grunting inarticulately in the face of her own daughter’s maladaptive defenses… which she picked up from monster that her mother never had the possession yo leave.

[@jerrystauffer2351]

Who wants to bet the daughter gets angry because mom wants her sympathy?

[@bluecat2741]

I guess it would bring much peace and calmness to the daughter if she could/ would have less contact to her mom. I also had problems with my mother and because I couldn't work things out with her (because she wouldn't listen or behave like a small child) I carried so much anger with me which blew up on other people. Instead of fighting with my mom, I fought with my partner. What a relief it was when I moved far away and only had sporadic contact! The anger was suddenly gone and we lived a peaceful life.

[@BrittanyHunter-f6w]

This woman reminds me of my own mother, deflecting and not accepting any responsibility for the abuse and her own complicity while I was growing up with other family members. Mom is a perpetual victim and self-righteous “nothing is wrong with me”.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yes, my mother has said to me ''get help'', ''you're insane'', ''you're detached from reality'' lots of labels along those lines, but all i ever did was keep trying to be heard when she was determined to shut me down.

[@BrittanyHunter-f6w]

@ that’s classic personality disordered behavior. This mom and our mothers need to look in the mirror!

[@CryingRaven]

Shes holding something back. The constant sighing, deflection. It reminds me of someone I knew who said she wanted to leave her abusive husband. But it came out that she was abusing her daughters alongside him.

[@nj8215]

She’s crazy!

[@plamondonworks6948]

How do you see your daughter struggle and your first question not be "what did I do to contribute to this?"

[@lyssgoddess]

The mother didn’t look up what causes borderline personality at all clearly

[@camcuts7643]

John your patience is next level man! The way this woman speaks was driving me crazy.

[@trish87563]

It’s as if she’s trying to make herself out to be the calm, thoughtful, loving mother, when we all know her ex-husband was far from the only abusive person in the family.

[@PoppyOnPoppy]

Yes!!! I have misophonia and just couldn’t finish it… annoying af.

[@ChiZillaaa]

​@@PoppyOnPoppy Just out of pure curiosity, what about her voice or cadence triggers your misophonia?

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@trish87563 yeh, i would like to ask her WHAT do you think your daughter is trying to communicate to you when she's angry. what are you not hearing.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@ChiZillaaa i don't have misophonia but i found her sighing annoying

[@Slim5845]

She called for “help” but clearly doesn’t want it

[@hannahbobanna9650]

She wants to be absolved of responsibility

[@OrangeBlossomMilk]

Sometimes people want help but can't accept it because of things like guilt and not actually believing they're deserving of help.

[@denisefinney8459]

She is 28. She has been with the current partner for 10 years, which means since age 18. And the woman says that she was also married to the oldest child's father. Was she married at 18-19?

[@brittcuz1321]

Thank you! The math isn’t mathing.

[@alyssapowelltate4000]

The math ain’t mathing for me either

[@sarenahuisman3446]

and the oldest child is 11, so she had it at 17?

[@yestothis]

@@sarenahuisman3446 honestly, to go from abuse to early marriage seems like she was trying to run away from her father. But she went out of the frying pan into the fire. Mutual abuse my ass.

[@angelicaangel2624]

It's the mother who is mentally ill. I feel so sorry for her daughter, my anxiety was ignored and mocked by both my parents since I was 12 years old. Now at 39 I just can't get over the emotional neglect. I lash out, I get upset but they are always the victims and I'm the problem. Calls like this really get to me, her mother let her down badly.

[@rebekahjoy7921]

Same here 😢 I’m 39 too. We are the same person ❤

[@realhousewifeofthebarrio]

This lady was stomping on my last nerve. She clearly doesn't want help.

[@The_Food_Police]

Love your username

[@caitlinowens8023]

THIS!! Every time someone says "but I do that" yet screaming for help... She may like the drama

[@LadyCaroline123]

Attention all Dr John callers with horrific problems: Please speaks in an efficient and stable manner so as not to stomp on the last nerve of the poor listeners. What a selfish person you are barrio housewife.

[@LadyCaroline123]

@@caitlinowens8023 I guarantee you she is not enjoying the drama.

[@realhousewifeofthebarrio]

@The_Food_Police Thanks!

[@slaviapolandia7541]

This lady is so full of it. Why is she even calling? to get attention and sympathy?!

[@Slim5845]

This episode gave me a greater respect for John. He has a patience I definitely don’t have lol

[@churrymurray]

Lol

[@churrymurray]

Same

[@Bailey-c6h]

All these comments make me realize im not wrong for being hurt. This poor girl was neglected and abandoned when she needed someone the most. As someone with BPD, bipolar and BPD are very commonly mixed up. She needed love and protection. Caller needs a new therapist that doesn’t validate her ridiculous thinking and instead maybe challenge it. Shout out to Dr.John for trying to make her see that.

[@snoopygonewilder]

I've known people like this... shitty to their kids to the point of emotional abuse, and then they expect respect from their children like they've earned it by simply giving birth to them.

[@akpenguin1859]

Well, the mom gave birth. Dads will demand respect and they haven’t even given birth. They donate their semen and act like you owe them for ejaculating

[@Suzie_Q1989]

This has me so frustrated. This lady is exactly like my own mother. Just wants a pat on the back and sympathy… no real recognition on how she’s failed her own daughter.

[@angelanelson2619]

The timing of the Crow 🐦‍⬛when you told her she doesn't want the help, soooooo symbolic to validate transformation ending in order to begin new path 🐦‍⬛

[@molly5262]

What is with this caller/lady sighing constantly & not getting her point out?!! She also does not want to hear what John has to say. This was a very hard call to listen to!!!!🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@rebelwithacause2229]

I think she is holding something back and has not revealed everything.

[@ReliRel769]

The caller neglected her child yet questions what’s wrong with her? The audacity. This call was frustrating and the caller clearly doesn’t see the damage she has done.

[@winkA1]

I relate so much to this women’s daughter it almost hurts to listen to this call. I’m almost positive her daughter’s first marriage was her way of escaping her volatile home life. I did the same but thankfully didn’t get married or have kids. I ended up in a mutually physically abusive relationship as I thought that’s what normal looked like. I also would have been described as verbally explosive etc. That was because I was angry and had never known a safe environment. Thankfully I met another man in my early 20’s that showed me what a healthy relationship looked like. We parted ways at 31 but that relationship showed me how to end the cycle of violence. I could bring my healed self into my current relationship where I now feel ready after 20 years of healing to have a child and be confident they will never grow up in a house of verbal or physical fear. This mother is projecting her guilt onto her daughter and trying to find a clinical reason “mental health” excuse for her behaviour. She’s like this because you didn’t protect her like a mother should have! I’m just sad her daughter had brought 3 kids into the world when she’s not healed… and will likely pass that trauma on 😔 10:01

[@rebekahjoy7921]

This lady is so annoying. LISTEN. Why are you calling him if you think you already know everything?? She sounds like a nightmare.

[@SuperBucky89]

Mom isn't looking for help,she's looking for validation.

[@meowhisd4546]

Projecting alert. She can't help her daughter, she doesn't have that power anymore. Her daughter is 28 it's already damage done

[@kellyeverett]

Agree all she can do is be a good role model for her

[@j8246]

"I did not protect my daughter growing up. I knew she was being abused but did nothing. Why did she grow up to have issues?"

[@rebeccadurden4281]

The sighing and groaning almost took me to Heaven. 💀

[@lyssgoddess]

I’m just like this 28 year old… I have borderline too. I joined the army and moved away and never went back home. The times I did visit they were emotionally abusive. A week before my enlistment I was kicked out because my brother had weed? 😂 My mom told me I was collateral damage LOL Parents have no idea how damaging they actually are to their children.

[@arilika3936]

I can relate so much to this woman’s daughter. Growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive father, with a mother who did nothing about it. I’m not surprised she’s still lashing out as an adult

[@gabbypage6929]

I grew up with the same abusive dynamic but didn’t lash out.

[@GabrielleTollerson]

​@@gabbypage6929 yeah right 😂

[@Dr.Elaine1]

So sorry. 😢 Curious, with an emotionally and physically abusive man in the home, what did you want your mom to do?

[@arilika3936]

@@Dr.Elaine1 stand up to him and make him stop OR leave him!

[@Dr.Elaine1]

@ Thanks for answering. Of those 3, which one do you believe your mother could have done? Finally, what did she do?

[@AutumnMoonlight95]

Thank you so much for this episode. I have mostly avoided therapy because talking about the past and even recent things does nothing to change the past or stop what is happening at the time. Now I know what to look for in a therapist, and as much as I really do not want to go through the process and am not sure I can handle more suffering that my parents get to avoid and not have to answer for. I'm going to pass that on to my husband as well since he has cptsd also. My mother rarely intervened when my father would violently attack me or anything else he did. I told her for years to leave him but it only happened after he asked her for a divorce once I began standing up for myself at 15 because I knew he wouldn't stop and she was never going to make him. She eventually told me years later that she stayed because she wasn't willing to give up her middle class lifestyle. That only made me angrier. She was always cold and selfish but she became more like him as time went on, worse after I became disabled. Too many women allow their husbands to do horrific things to their kids for the sake of not being without a man or for the money. They don't get that they are abusers as well because of it.

[@julieellis7288]

She sounds like she wants a quick fix to just make the problem go away. Something about her bugs me.

[@denisia1111]

OMG the Mom is blaming everyone except herself. I would probably end up yelling if no matter what I said was brushed off and completely disregarded. This is the type of person who loves to read self help books in order to "help" the preconceived notions she's made about other people(family n friends).

[@incisivecommenter5974]

Exactly.

[@abbyxiong3931]

I sadly know other Mom's or grandma's who constantly like to blame their own children or other family members but never take any responsibility for their own actions or words.

[@marianav6213]

Whe seemed so ready to blame the fathers genetics. She told on herself when she said "I just want to protect myself" yeah from accountability

[@MsDorcelus]

I missed that part, but I could sense she was being mindful of her words to absolve herself from much of the blame with what occurred to her daughter. Parents who stand by & watch harm be done to their child or children are just as guilty if not more than the culprit inflicting the abuse.

[@natkasyanova4]

Thank you, John! Thanks to Anita for sharing. There are so many layers in this story and Doctor is so patient unraveling them. Thank you!

[@Slim5845]

This was the most annoying caller

[@angelicaangel2624]

Imagine her poor daughters state of mind having to deal with this mother for years...

[@jellyrcw12]

Dr. John, you truly know what you're doing!

[@l.a.8753]

Wow this lady really doesn’t want to go for coffee with her daughter.

[@cdawg9218]

Yeah because then her daughter can hold her accountable and say things she isn't ready to hear.. Sad, she doesn't really seem like she wants a real relationship tbh.

[@whiskeytangofoxtrot1986]

Daughter is probably stuck in fight or flight. Having a mom like this and growing up in a family dynamic like this caused me to have a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest at only 33 years old. A lifetime of stress causes bad things!

[@OnlyDisco]

This mother is the exact copy of my mother. My last stepfather tried to rape me, she did nothing! When I've told her she slapped me and acused me of wanting to ruin their marriage. This woman is narcissistic and just awful mother. 😖

[@spacepope87]

Both mom and dad are equally guilty for their daughters trauma. Dad did the abuse while mom the neglect.

[@rebekahjoy7921]

Exactly my childhood 💯 😞

[@spacepope87]

@rebekahjoy7921 I grew up with a few where they experienced that. And they resent both parents.

[@daypeanut4406]

She hates the daughter because she hates her ex-husband. The mom doesn't know herself and her own projections. This seems to be a generation of parents who do get out of acute toxic patterns with partners... but don't actually learn about their own childhood and why they got stuck with a scary partner. They do the right thing physically, but emotionally the brunt of the trauma is left with the children. This mom seems to pass along her own emotional pain to the daughter, and focus on the daughter "illness" instead of seeing how she was part of causing it. I hope the next generations will start to be more emotionally honest with themselves, before turning to "fix" their children. Saying there's something wrong with the child keeps the guilt and responsibility but also accountability and true, deep growth and freedom, away.

[@alicalavera]

I seriously doubt this lady has been to therapy for years. First video that has been unwatchable (due to the caller of course, John is so patient)

[@cdawg9218]

My thoughts exactly, that or she needs a better one that doesn't enable her or can catch her lying.

[@FionaChandoll]

During my deepest depression and spiraling sometimes all I wanted was an activity with 1 loved and trusted person. Sit at the beach and not complain. Just rest. Not be reminded of my failures connected to my mental illness

[@HollieBenji]

This lady doesn’t seem to want to do the work to fix the relationship with her daughter. There is A LOT of past issues that need to be addressed. I wonder if she has made a heartfelt apology to her daughter for not protecting her as a child.

[@Slim5845]

You know, her daughter might actually be well and she’s creating “problems” because she’s contradicting herself

[@RayF6126]

Dear Mom, have you ever apologized to your daughter for staying married after he hurt her? Instead of I'm working at forgiving myself because your relief from pain, shame, and guilt has no space for her feelings in that statement.

[@kimicope_]

Oh wow, I haven't gotten that far in the video and that makes the mom sound like a narcissist that she can't even apologize to her child but she cares about her own feelings.

[@sarahcouture24]

I'm like the adult daughter and she's like my mom. My mom is very sweet and kind hearted, but she was unprotective, and today she often has very little/inconsistent attunement to me. She also frequently judges me and plays the victim. It's a very hard relationship sometimes. Just remember not to try to fix her or straighten out her life, try to understand her perspective, VALIDATE her feelings. Be encouraging, not critical. Be on her team, don't act as the opposition. Also, think before you speak, be mindful of your intentions and considerate of how your comments will land with her before saying them. Imagine being in her shoes, how would it feel if someone said that to you? Don't argue with her about her experience of things. She can have a different opinion, it doesn't make her automatically wrong. Take her feelings seriously, don't pathologize her emotions. Try to get to know and understand her without trying to change her at all.

[@racheltarentino3314]

Same

[@cocosmom2852]

So glad John called her out on saying “ I already do that” and dismissing or making excuses for everything he says 😅 like, why did u call in? Just wanna hear urself speak?

[@Snooperzan]

almost 10 minutes in and I still have no idea what’s going on

[@3roachkidsdhe]

Right…

[@Cyblps]

Me too. I am just super focused on her breathing, sighing, and spinning words in a multitude ways that I can’t string her words together and make sense.

[@alisonfraser8231]

Why look for a medical reason when she grew up watching a role model behave just like this? Children learn what they see.

[@lolahernandez6871]

Medical reasons help understand it too.

[@cdawg9218]

​@@lolahernandez6871yeah nah, this is neglect and abuse. I'd be mad if my mother was as dismissive as this woman. I'm surprised her daughter still talks to her tbh.

[@missruth26]

First caller… so much fluff and word salad. She was insufferable. John has the patience of a saint

[@willvandeusen7130]

This caller sounds super disoriented and all over the place. Its hard to understand your problem if you can’t communicate

[@dakotasikes6690]

Sounds like she's on something

[@willvandeusen7130]

@ I think she’s on an anti depressant or some type of medication that she needs to get adjusted from a medical doctor. She sounds lost.

[@MsDorcelus]

She’s being mindful with her words to protect herself & other guilty parties involved in her daughter’s dysfunction.

[@willvandeusen7130]

@@MsDorcelus I think the biggest person to blame is herself

[@cdawg9218]

She's being purposefully careful so as to not make herself look bad and blame everyone else. (even though that's kind of impossible when you allowed your child to be hurt and turned a blind eye)

[@jvsaints]

The caller has such a high level of anxiety, it is so uncomfortable to listen to her. I'm glad she is in counseling.

[@rebeccashields9626]

When the seller says the daughter has “mean personal attacks”, are these accurate attacks? Is the daughter simply saying things that are true and the mom doesn’t like them? I think we need further details than are being given. What specifically is being said and how true are the things being said? The caller hasn’t said once the daughter is lying.

[@cdawg9218]

💯

[@caitlinowens8023]

Why did she call if shes already been doing everything he says ? Wouldnt she have the answers by now? Shes in denial and you cannot help people like this. The father and mother are a major reason why her daughter is the way she is. He was a yeller and she lives in denial. I am willing to bet she didnt even know she allowed her daughter to get emotionally abused until her daughter told her as an adult. Sorry not sorry.

[@ivonnesalvador2902]

When a mother and daughter don’t have a relationship it’s because the mother never had one to begin with so it’s the mother fault for her daughters behavior everything starts from the beginning meaning at birth when she was younger till fully grown the mothers never take accountability for their mistakes

[@kytsunman8592]

She doesnt even want her own children. I couldnt imagine (even if its MY child) trying to be soooo concerned about my relationship to her if she has zero desire to be near her own child.

[@g0at3]

The caller needs to first figure out why she married and had children with her ex husband. I dont buy the excuse she gave that her mistake was lack of knowledge about mental health. Its like she's trying to coach a track athlete having never run a sub 10 minute mile.

[@incisivecommenter5974]

Why? It's not her fault her ex-husband is an abusive A-Hole.

[@nikstar1313]

6:13 and I think this is where the problem lies. I’d be angry at Anita too. I bet you she is the root and this daughter has a hell of an amount of resentment towards her. No wonder she is how she is. How dare she not protect her daughter. How DARE YOU PUT YOUR MEN AND YOUR SELF SND YOUR PRIDE AND EGO FIRST!

[@angelicaangel2624]

Yep, she didn't have a mother, she was on her own with all the abusive behaviour.

[@deborahbrown555]

It must be hard trying to fix someone else and in order to facilitate your own healing of conscience

[@autumnxoxo9316]

Don’t attack the woman yall people come here asking for a safe space. Whether you agree with her or not negativity never helps.

[@shuppslife5140]

Exactly !!!

[@Teagon000]

The mother has made me want to run far away with this call! She’s going in circles and her fault sometimes it to late after you were not their for her and your driving every excuse you can’t even dr John wants to scream at her ugh

[@comment_account2343]

Sounds just like my mom. Everytime she sees me she unleashes hell on me and tell me how much of a horrible person I am, and how much suffering I have created for her (not by doing drugs, but by pursuing education when I have kids, which is devastating for her to have produced such a bad mother), and she tells everyone that I am a heartless person with a personality disorder unable to love or connect with people, because that would be the only logical explanation why I don't call her, and not the fact that I don't feel like calling to be insulted, denigrated and belittled.

[@GixxerRider1991]

This family is the posterchild for generational trauma.

[@joywebster2678]

Thanks for clarifying the difference between mental illness vs emotional dysregulation, abd personality disorders.

[@suzanne296]

As a 62 yr old adult who was abused and labled bpd. I can only say my dad was cruel. When he died my sister and i discovered he was abused by his dad severely. Doesnt make things better but atleast i had a place to trace back. Therapy for 42 years

[@kimicope_]

I relate to this, my dad has not been diagnosed but we all suspect he is a narcissist and it caused me to develop BPD traits although I've only been diagnosed with bipolar 1. My dad was abused physically and he turned that into emotional abuse on us kids. This mom thinking her daughter has bpd makes me think it's because of the dad but then she doesn't seem to care so she's probably to blame as well

[@JamieTunn562]

This video is heartfelt and important. Navigating these situations with loved ones is tough. Do you have any recommendations for companies offering remote roles this year that are worth exploring?

[@MeganBryant31]

Have you heard about this new unknown remote company

[@MeganBryant31]

Adept-Limited Remote Employment ???

[@MeganBryant31]

A remote company hiring laborers and office workers. They offer unrefined oil at great prices while focusing on quality

[@Connorspenceh4279]

Never heard about them before

[@FreyaJackson54]

I’ve heard this company is fantastic for finding work-from-home opportunities. Is it worth checking out??

[@Miabella240]

Only made it 4 mins into this video because that lady gave me the only anxiety smh .

[@Hayatt1]

This has been the most irritating call seriously I couldnt finish, she is so slow and wont get to the point. Honestly why did she call. Sighing, redirecting,... hopeless.

[@molly5262]

Agree 💯!!

[@rebelwithacause2229]

Yes. I feel like there is something not being said. She is holding something back.

[@cdawg9218]

She's trying not to tell on herself. As if she hasn't already.

[@susanbrogan6610]

She wants to be told what she is doing is the right approach when in fact it's not working. She wants him to agree with her! Instead he's giving her advice she didn't want to hear!

[@yvonnesingle8615]

100%

[@larissabrewington9065]

She's 28!! AND she has kids?? AND this is just becoming a huge issue now?? She isn't even diagnosed. Geezz.... I'm glad John was able to say it!

[@joane24]

She has been diagnosed though? She said 7 or 8 yrs ago was diagnosed.

[@DaisyWilts]

@@joane24she was a minor then. Minors can’t legally be diagnosed with BPD.

[@larissabrewington9065]

@@joane24 ...oh, I didn't hear that part... Thank you.

[@cdawg9218]

That mother is the problem, not the daughter. She need to own that she failed her and make real amends and be accountable. I'd be mad too.

[@dominquegarland5540]

This was ridiculous what was the point in her calling if she was going to make all of these excuses to deflect. She didn’t take one comment he gave and process it, everything was ok good buuutt it’s insane. My guess is that her ex husband did more than be physically abusive to their daughter and she either allowed it to happen or found out much to late and the daughter feels like she allowed her to be hurt. She is doing all of the yeah buts bc she knows and the daughter knows and she feels guilty.

[@brianmcdonald7017]

Personal attacks= telling uncomfortable truths. Generally speaking people dont just get mad and start blowing up for no reason

[@izzywox8246]

The problem is that its not brought up to work through it, its brought up as a weapon to deflect the current issue

[@marietgagliardi]

You are naive

[@brianmcdonald7017]

@@marietgagliardi no u

[@Pipers_hooman]

Never been around a borderline before, eh? 😅

[@suzanne296]

Agree

[@cdawg9218]

"I'm working on protecting myself, uh I mean, forgiving myself for not protecting her" Way to tell on yourself, looks like you only care about protecting your image of yourself, not actually taking accountablity. No wonder your daughter gets angry with you, you turned a blind eye and don't make an effort actually make amends, be accountable and understand her. You made me angry and I only had to listen to you for 20 mins. Shame on you.

[@drn13355]

The caller says stuff then when Dr J says stuff she goes into the "yeah buts..". Not sure why she even called.

[@OGISIAMDAPhenioex24-7]

803

[@pitchblackprogress1341]

Yes, because we can have a range of conflicting feelings about a person or situation. Not every subject is a clear cut - especially not if you're afraid of feeling your feelings, admitting mistakes, making a choice that'll have potentially negative concequences etc. That's why you ask for advice/go to therapy.

[@OGISIAMDAPhenioex24-7]

Big family affair isn't it

[@kagnewcobra5228]

Guilt, perhaps?

[@Some_kind_of_wonderfü]

Yeah, it was difficult to listen to…

[@melodyc123]

I never EVER understand why parents wait to get treatment for the kids when they have mental health issues. They wait until they are adults to want to address it. TOO LATE. You have no power now. You cannot force your adult child to get help, address problems, get well. You can only do that when they are minors. She's 28. It's her life and her choice. My aunt did this with my cousin. It's too late, she will address it how she wants to address it.

[@cdawg9218]

Why would she get help for her daughter when she didn't even stop her ex husband from traumatising her and turned a blind eye?! She can't even admit that she failed.

[@racheltarentino3314]

Bc the parents are the reason for the "mental illness" why would they care

[@BlairRyukyu]

I respect this question. I’ve had some of the same issues (I’m more like the daughter). I know it’s so difficult dealing with these issues as the person or family. You’re not alone & I’m sorry you are dealing with this

[@pooh4025]

It was like pulling teeth trying to get info from this lady

[@ingridbergman-vz7go]

Well said, @pooh.

[@BridLong-y7g]

The one thing I noticed she said is that her daughter calls her at least a couple of times a day. In the morning/afternoon. I know the mom is working on herself but it sounds like the reaching out is more one sided.

[@gayleodonnell4860]

And I sensed a wee bit of her being perturbed that daughter calls her so often!

[@mariamgorjian]

The comments here are pretty harsh....I feel for her....she's going to therapy...trying to understand herself, her horrible first marriage, and how angry her daughter became when she watched her ex-husband abuse her. That is A LOT to realize later in life, but she sees how angry her daughter is now at 28 with 3 kids. This is going to take a lot of healing and therapy, which John handled well. I also give her credit for giving him more context of how she and her daughter communicate and do have a relationship that's not always handled in horrible anger. I hope they can break all their generational trauma. Those kids especially...they are really young. Blessings to everyone trying to stop abuse and find their peace. Sometimes we don't know how to express what's hurting us...I felt that with Anita. She's juggling a lot all at once and feels very confused by what to do.

[@jessicaFFLrescue]

Best comment

[@lolahernandez6871]

I agree.

[@Kristen-ek9rz]

There is not a very compassionate crowd here today with this call. I think she is doing the best she can with where she is at on her journey.

[@cdawg9218]

Dude SHE LET HER EX HURT HER DAUGHTER AND DID NOTHING. I don't know how to explain to you that having a mother feed you to the wolves and not actually repent and blame others for the pain they've caused is cowardly, flippant and dishonest. If you think she's being honest with a therapist (is she's even going) or herself about her role in her daughter's trauma then you need to take another listen. You don't get to screw up someone's life and then blame them for the anger and hurt they feel because of you. She should count her lucky stars that she even has a relationship with her period. Especially when she's blaming her daughter for being rightly angry about her lack of accountability.

[@cdawg9218]

​@@Kristen-ek9rzit's too little too late and her best sucked. She doesn't deserve to have a relationship with that poor woman if she can't even be honest about her role in the ab**e her daughter suffered for years. It's her mother's fault she's like this and that mother has a lot of audacity to come here and pretend like everyone else is the issue here.