Breaking the Stressed-Out Habit of Mind for Scapegoat Survivor

[@OpalOnyx365]

This video discusses what I believe to be the core of my trauma. I will show this video to my therapist next appointment as I've been trying to explain this phenomenon to her for some time. I have not seen any one describe it so thoroughly and accurately, thank you as always for the content Jay, it is helping people recover their sanity!

[@bunnyvelour2820]

I have very distinct early memories (appx 3 years old), of suppressing my urge to react when my father would unintentionally-but still carelessly-hurt me. Squishing my foot when hurrying past me, zipping my chin into the zipper of my jacket because he was rushing, etc. I vividly remember sucking in my breath and a few tears so he wouldn’t see and freak out further. So, nothing earth shattering, but even at around 3, I knew to keep my emotions in check because he wouldn’t be able to keep HIS in check.

[@caroleminke6116]

By three I had been molested although my mother said she had put a stop to it & I was so scared of his physical abuse to myself or loved ones that I went numb

[@mindkindmom]

Did this affect your health? I had a father like this, constantly being on guard and trying to hide led me to develop idiopathic scoliosis. They call it idiopathic, cause not known but considering my childhood, I have no doubt.

[@geetallygee5089]

What a gift you have to share Jay Reid, to articulate so exactly what we’ve all been trying to find the words to describe for a lifetime. It’s a torturous life to say the least 😥 Thanks for your dedication to your work Jay✨😘

[@sage9836]

Understanding how someone may be associating worry with safety is - I'm too surprised to find the words. It's one of those statements that when you hear it, you feel the truth. This video is so well worded.

[@Namnana21]

Me too 😮. I had to watch this video twice to take it all in. I'm at a point now where everything seems a bit overwhelming. It's one step forward and two steps back. This video has given me a lot to think about. Good luck with your journey ❤

[@sage9836]

@@Namnana21 Thanks ❤️

[@sueg2658]

Oh my goodness this video is Spot On!! My narcissistic mother would expect me to read her mind and also follow her orders to the T. When she would come home from work, she would find the ONE thing I forgot or missed doing and would go nuts on me. Looking back, since childhood, I was her whipping post for all her frustrations. My only outlet was going deep inside myself, beat myself up and hide from life. Trying hard to find perspective, I realize now it never mattered what I did or didn’t do, it was always my role to be the thing she used so SHE could distress and dump her anger onto. That was on her 100%. No wonder for years and years I thought it was me, a very very very imperfect and flawed human. Yes I’m flawed like everyone else but not nearly as much as I have always feared.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

❤

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

A child starts to become independent age 2 or 3 & this is something the Narcissist cannot tolerate. This. This is when my earliest memories of my Narc Mother's abuse started. My father always used to say I was such a happy child until age 3 & then I became miserable. But of course he never related that to his oh so amazing wife's abuse towards me. Christmas is so tough. Families everywhere. I'm also divorced after my ex husband walked out 3 yrs ago. I'm so sick of explaining to people why I don't have family. Even a friend who knows my story said to me this week "so did you call your parents on Christmas day?" And looked perplexed when I said no. I'm done with the judgment & justifying. It's just not normal in our society to have absolutely no family. The common denominator looks like me.

[@dreamscape405]

Totally relate to this, especially being Absolutely SICK of explaining my family situation to others. Now, I just tell people they're all dead😅 because that's what they are to me. Both of my parents are now dead, and I'm the only child, and scapegoat, so I'm just DONE with them. As it should be. Take care❤

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

@dreamscape405 yup SICK of explaining my family situation to others is facts. I'm absolutely done with it. Wish I could say mine were dead too but I live in a small city in a small country. Everyone knows someone. But mine are dead too as far as I'm concerned. You take care too 🧡

[@caroleminke6116]

Happy to be free of family & don’t explain to anyone why my holidays are spent at home ☮️

[@frohsmohswainaksfst]

I cut contact with my mother and find it diffuculz to process the associated emptions. I feel guilty sometimes, shame sometimes, sadness, anger. Very rarely I am happy to keep myself in a safe distance. Alsi, internally I keep justifying mysekf for foing no contact. Stressful. I cannot let go of the stress even though I am safe now. Just as Jay explains it.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

Thank you Jay! Never being able to just "be" without being a target for mom telling me I was so selfish was daily life. You explain why so exactly and make it easily understood. You have been such a help, and feel like a peer friend, to me on my healing journey! Thank you doesn't feel strong enough for the way you are helping me learn to reclaim my goodness, and making my self "home" after decades of solitude living in shame, isolation, and despair of ever being happy!! You drill right down to the core of issues, so the poisonous crap can be released, no matter what realization, feeling, or memory it is! Thank you so much!

[@CSMynx]

Once again, Spot. On. 💯

[@ViannaAmbrosi]

Wow. I feel like this was written about me

[@HarryBarker-yp1xv]

This is me! Thank you Jay

[@user-qh9bx2im7n]

Really thankful for Jay Reid and all his videos on this topic. His knowledge and ways of communicating it have been so helpful to me. I appreciate his sincerity and calm demeanor.

[@lovesings2us]

The depth and breadth of your kind comprehension lift me up like the beautiful, gentle waves of the sea I enjoy being amidst in the summer. Once I've seen my life from a lifted-up perspective, I feel I will allways be better off than before - not without periodic regressions, but basically bettter off in my foundation and in my capacity to see and understand myself on a day to day basis. I can fairly say your vidoes always have this effect on me. Thank you so much!

[@maggieb99]

Wow, I am floored. you are describing my experience exactly. It's almost kind of eerie lol. I do this every night with my phone or reading or even doing art, I don't want to stop the trance and just rest.

[@yannicklevesque1399]

As always: a very good video on this issue... and congratulations Jay for reaching over 50K subscribers !!!

[@11dragonflies]

Thanks for making so many great resources in addition to your videos!

[@MarthaMoreno-p9h]

What a great video! Thank you Jay.

[@ivanzlaticanin6801]

Wow,just wow.this video is spot on.

[@caroleminke6116]

Scapegoats as kids become scapegoats as adults because we choose partners who are covert narcissists just like when we were taught as children to take the punishment

[@cairosilver2932]

Yes, we feel we're being valued for once by a potential romantic partner, but it's the value a hunter finds in their prey.

[@psychicconsultant453]

That was really great information so well explained thank you Jay

[@jennw6809]

Extremely insightful! Since narcissists don't see others as actual, separate humans with their own wants, needs and viewpoints, no wonder it's dangerous to know and express them -- it usually incites rage and being overpowered.

[@billytitus1519]

Just purchased both your books, thank you.

[@jenniferpeeso7172]

Thank you Jay, for describing how stress and safety can be internalized by sharing Bonnie’s story. I can relate and now understand some of my own tendencies.

[@millie9814]

This is exactly what I experienced. I struggle with focusing on myself and it's the fricking bane of my existence FOR YEARS now. But it's all practice. My therapist is good and helps with this, but she is not specialized in this stuff, so it's good to be aware of it through your videos and make sure I'm informed. It makes all the difference.

[@shainachana]

This describes my whole life. Again! Thank you so much for this timely video, I was just talking to my husband about how anxious I've been feeling the past week. This is spot on!!

[@ldiezga]

I would like to thank you for the good work you do with your videos. It is difficult to find people who know in depth the psychological challenges of scapegoating. Greetings from Spain.

[@csviolin0516]

Fantastic video, Jay. You have put to words what I have been struggling with for my whole life. I am thankful for your perspective and insight; it’s extremely helpful.

[@realnush]

Your videos and your book has helped me tremendously. Thank you for your work 🙏🏽

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You're so welcome!

[@Lyrehc-Soul-Healing]

Super valuable content you share Jay. Thank you ❤

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

“Bonnie” had a good therapist….

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Dr Jay

[@DavidGikandi-k9s]

Thanks Jay for yet another golden insight

[@-Locomotive_Breath]

SO much good stuff in all your talks. Thank you.

[@lrooney813]

I had this growing up from the parents (no contact for 8 years) & the old workplace boss where I almost worked for 35 years! So interesting… I had worked out about 4 years ago that I was taking on stuff that wasn’t mine to carry! When faced with situations from the boss .. I started asking myself Is this my stuff to carry! No & would state in my head- Well you can keep it The boss wasn’t happy with that & soon sent me to work with someone else! Unfortunately I had no self worth and therefore it took me time to finally exit!

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@molly9518]

Oh how I wish I could afford therapy...

[@almam.6880]

Our life experiences aren't so unique after all, are they?

[@mac-ju5ot]

Since they did the death dangling issues abd I had no choice I'm exhausted I spent years trying to take the heat off my poor mother . I was a colliky infant I'm certain he list it over me tears before I can remember

[@hazelkitty27]

Thank you Jay, I'm a big chronic stresser, and even when everything is well I can't understand why I stress myself out and ruin it. But I mean yeah, being hypervigilant of mean people around me and mean people in my home wasn't just a way to avoid trouble, when trouble took place it somehow lessened the pain. I was never very good at avoiding trouble in my family or my life, people seem to just give me trouble no matter what I may do, so I guess I learned to just always be stressed, maybe it's just another extension of this concept I've come up with where in order to survive I make myself "low maintenance", I want to performatively indicate to others that I exist to satisfy them and don't even think of myself, just because if I can make them believe that then it will help me avoid the tiny little cuts and jabs mean people somehow fit into every conversation they have with me. But it's all an act to make them believe that's who I am, and any time I may actually go above and beyond to serve someone else it's only to keep up the identity. It's funny how being stressed can be a defense mechanism when you're not even letting the stress motivate you, just the feeling of being stressed keeps all the feeling of being real and flesh away because it's just too scary to be around narcissistic people, when you're flesh around them, you never know when they're just gonna give you a cut here a papercut there because some people are just so thorny and porcupine-y. It's almost like being stressed or tense is like hardening something so that it weathers injury better. Soft armor vs hard armor. If my flesh is rock hard and tensed up maybe nothing will penetrate it. But from a physics perspective the opposite is often true, for example flesh takes greater injury when it is tensed because the body is clashing against it rather than flowing around it or redirecting it. Maybe being stressless is the safer default disposition theoretically.

[@SuperDflower]

This is a fascinating comment and I’m gonna sit with some of the things that you said. I relate. I think I will have more than one response, but what I can say right off the bat, is that in my experience with the narcissist that I grew up with in the one remaining that is closest to me in my family, when they would rage at me, I knew at some point that they would run out of steam. Once they run out of steam, there would be some relative peace for a short while. I guess it’s because they’ve gotten what they needed, sick people that they are. Well, at least gotten what they needed for the moment. So I know what it feels like to be alerted to danger and to keep that almost tight gut feeling going so that you could endure what was coming next. This is just sick stuff. Especially when you think about the fact that this is never anything that anyone you’ve ever had in your life had to endure with you. It’s so unfair, and so galling. I say this every time, but it deserves to be said. I’m sorry for what you endured.

[@mlebrooks]

I think this is huge. Therapy is not to "fix" you so that your parents will love you. Your parents will never love you. Therapy is so that you see clearly what was missing in your childhood. Once you realize that it is so broken it can never be fixed, your parents can never be fixed, your relationship can never be fixed.

[@baronhelius4596]

What the Hell is a “Safe Relationship “?? No such thing ! 😂 At least thats how my brain has been trained to think. Im not trying to be glib. Im serious! A safe relationship sounds like an oxymoron to me.

[@OnceLostForeverFound]

Thank you for this video! On a day off, I get stuck in a kind of paralysis where I come up with things to do but also want nothing to do, then tend to spend the day in an escapism fog (spend the whole day watching movies/playing games) but somehow still end up exhausted...even while doing those things I think about work the next day or two days ahead of my work tasks. I don't spend a lot of time with myself bc it's really frustrating even trying to figure out how I feel. My thoughts are just: "am I angry or sad? ...I don't know but I have to do x thing tmrw at work and my client is gonna be angry so better do x thing and other thing and oh I have to do this on x day" and so on.

[@ASoulanimal]

I nearly did everything in my life not to jailed at and when I succed well in something I became noones child more than ever so I had to mess up, to flunk, to deserve being upset about and o'boy I've had so much to clear up. I was so afraid to go anywhere also to meet someone distroying me, when I was seen it would be = excetution in my exprerience and noone would get it. A year ago I moved, came to a safe city and safe people, a calm environment and people carring, found a couple of groups where I'm accepted. It's a transformation going on. So safty and calm comes först, beforeI've been really able to work on chansning my prigraming succefully. Thank you so much for this spot on explanation Jay!

[@ASoulanimal]

Even aporisited. That is bewildering when one is used to /default mood is expected to being ignorerad or hated but really making me grow up, finding out who I am, voices inside ledsen and exchanged with positive affirmationer, meditation, yoga and listning to myself what I wont to do, resoning with myself. It's marveilous to be Alice. So greatfull!!!

[@Levandetag]

If, one has been the poking-joke for all your life, from those who do not have an inch of understanding or interest in what they do, then one has a time in life, when one can set a stop for overintrusions and harsh behaviours from other who have been trained to see this as just a joke. It nags our souls, and trash our selconfidence, to obeying and set to, react, not respond. When the time has come for setting response to what they do, they cant will not hear it. If a child is taught to believe in obeying isz the only way here, it is not strange, the others cant stand your No´s. I have grown with one parent always faultfinding all that is me, and have taken me out of, most of this crap given to the One too different, or the one who reminds of the other parent.... which they cant come to terms with inside of themselves. Its a horrible game played! And this is No Way to raise children, at all. Thank you