How do I stop intellectualizing my feelings - and FEEL THEM?

This week on Ask Kati Anything (ep. 225) licensed therapist Kati Morton explains how to stop intellectualizing and actually feel our feelings, and she digs into grief and how we can process it. Then she talks about why we can feel like our mental illnesses are made up or exaggerated because we haven’t had a trauma or big event, ways we can healthily express our anger, and how she defines an eating disorder relapse. Finally, she walks us through the ways she decides what’s the human condition and what’s a symptom of a mental illness.
1. How do I stop intellectualizing my feelings and feel them? 01:23
2. Hey Kati! I was curious if you could talk about grief as an emotion, and how to cope with it and ways to help process it. Before therapy, I could not name any emotions, and I’ve gotten so much better at it. In fact, unbeknownst to me, I’ve actually always been quite the adept feeler of emotions- in the sense that I can find them in my body, I can talk about how they feel and the directions they move within me and through me... 08:27
3. Hello Kati, I often feel my MDD and GAD diagnosis is not warranted and it's 'all in my head' because I have not experienced any major negative life events or traumas. This has prevented me from discussing the things that I believe could be contributing to my symptoms because they don't feel important enough... 25:16
4. Hi Kati, I was wondering if you could talk about healthy ways to express anger. I come from a culture where expressing anger is shameful, especially for women. So my anger is as scary as fire flames for me. However, I have noticed my binge eating is fuelled by my unexpressed anger. So, can you please teach me some techniques about handling anger. Thanks for all your amazing work. 34:13
5. Hi Kati! Hope you’re doing well. I am wondering how a relapse in an eating disorder is defined. Is there a clinical-based definition or is it more of a gray area? Does it mean meeting the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder diagnosis once again... 40:47
6. How do you figure out what's just 'the human condition' or a personality trait and what's an actual symptom? 55:08
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[@rebeccamcclellan5284]

There's a balance between feeling emotions and intellectualizing them. If you can identify the feeling, acknowledge it exists and then get back to living is best. I've seen too many people allow their emotion to be their primary focus and driver all day long. There are certain events that will overtake you, but that is an exception to the rule of life. I was a child protection worker and if I allowed my feelings to be my guide and be present when working with parents and traumatized children, I would have been no good to anyone, including myself.

[@hollysthompson]

I think the content is about understanding and not repressing your emotions. Balance is key, but most people need help to find balance through therapy.

[@Michi9531]

I also think not every video is for everyone. The type of person you’re describing seem like they have no issue feeling their feelings so they probably don’t need a video like this. I am a serial over rationalizer who is great at moving past emotions and into solutions, but *sucks* at feeling and processing the actual emotion part which can leave me with all kinds of issues I won’t bore you with. I’m pretty sure that while general audiences can benefit from this content and learning the balance of it all, this is probably targeting people like me more than people like you’ve described.

[@JezzaM77]

Grief never goes away. We just learn to manage it. Without grief, we would forget all the beautiful memories we have. I wouldn't want to live a life without grief.

[@anyaroz8619]

About anger... And I understand that all emotions are super individualized, but swimming really helps me "survive" anger. When I swim (in a lap pool), I can change the speed with which I move and my breathing has to support the movement and so I feel more in control. Also I feel very powerful once I have swam a certain distance. Like I am using anger to actually better my health! How weird is that. No I never enjoy feeling angry of course. But water, being submerged in it, being in the denser medium helps me feel the anger rushing through me and propelling me, like I am a super human. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone at all, but you may want to try it. It's extremely calming and empowering at the same time. Just realized that water, taking a shower helps with anger too and with sadness and grief and other "icky" hard to experience emotions. Even just splashing water on the face can help with taking off the edge when an emotion is too acute

[@macsarcule]

Ways to let out anger, it’s been very challenging for me, but I found a therapist who does somatic experiencing. It’s been an amazing tap into powerful emotions of sadness and loss and shame. Anger has been much more difficult to access because it wasn’t permitted growing up. But when I can access anger with somatic experience, there’s been tremendous relief and peace. I keep practicing and trying to get better at it with my therapist’s guidance and help. It’s become a key part of my therapy homework. Thanks Katie!✌️😌✨

[@noturbo]

"I see houses Rows and rows of red bricks I see black cars Some blood-stained exit I get this feeling that I I've been here before How many lives will I waste? How many tears must I taste Before my freedom?" Song lyrics The Verve I See Houses exactly how i feel

[@syntaera]

I think for some people, myself included, seeking a balance of feeling and intellectualising means a radical departure from intellectualisation of our feelings. I'm autistic, and part of that for me is alexithymia, where I can't easily identify the feelings I'm experiencing. This means intellectualisation is essentially where I live - I have to intellectually figure out what it is that I am "feeling" by interrogating my physical state, reactions, and behaviours. I see I am reacting out of character by snapping at people, and I realise I'm feeling grumpy (and tell them I'm grumpy, and I don't know why, which helps them contextualise my behaviour and preserve our relationships). I have always wanted so badly to FEEL those feelings in a way that neurotypical people clearly seem to. It's part of what makes me feel like an impostor of a human, like a robot living in a human's head, piloting it rather than living it. I have empathy, I experience emotional reactions, I just can't easily identify them except by intellectualising based on observations of myself. This manifests during periods where I identify I'm feeling something, as a sort of numbness - but it's not a temporary numbness, it's more like being born blind, and having everyone around you describe what things look like. Grief is a really tough one for me too, because I get a sort of "one and done" reaction - I can only easily identify grief when it's acute, not chronic. Long-term grief is almost impossible for me to identify because it's subtle and pervasive, so I can't figure it out. It makes long-term illnesses followed by a death very difficult for me, because I can't find the grief, only numbness and a stronger sense of not being a complete human. I wish I could feel it, because maybe it would help me heal.

[@anyaroz8619]

Wow. This perception of being an alien among neurotypical people, must be so isolating. I am not autistic, however I can relate to the things you state. I used to feel strange among people a lot, misunderstood or unappreciated. And I too have tendency to analyze and "explain" the whys of discomfort instead of just being in it and telling myself that the discomfort has a name and that discomfort is part of life. But being autistic probably takes it onto whole other level. Be kind to self and take frequent breaks from analyzing

[@LaCosa973]

Its truly a skill to be able to honor your feelings and then move on.. psychoanalyzing everything is a deep well to Climb out of that i dont recommend💯💯

[@Sarah-y9r4f]

Your comment is both painful and profoundly helpful to me in my marriage. My husband believes the way you're expressing. I am the opposite. For me, feeling without understanding is the deep well, and psychoanalysis is how I build the ladder I need to climb out. It's hard for me to see things his way. Thank you for the reminder that my way doesn't work for everyone. ❤

[@wrongname2702]

My easiest emotion to feel ended up being disgust! I was subconsciously doing it in a way about my self-image so it was very easy to feel in my body; it starts at the back of the throat like a sour stomach or very light nausea feeling. And the trick to mastering it seems to be to take the judgement out of it and be curious about feeling it rather than thinking about it and wondering why its happening. Those "why trains" are hard to stop but with practice its become a lot easier to sit in the feeling not as punishment but to experience it and let it go.

[@anyaroz8619]

I wonder if it's always disgust at self or at others too? I wonder if the disgust is about behavior or about physical, when you write self-image. Like, self-image as in "how other's see my actions and words" or as in "how unattractive I am" etc.? When it comes to body dysmorphia would you say, your body is reflecting your way of mistreating it? Or do you feel like you were "given" a bad or a wrong body to begin with? These two can feel very differently. Anger at self, shame, regret in one case and anger (not directed at anyone or anything in particular) and frustration in the second case. See if you can try to pinpoint the kind of feelings attached to the disgust. Maybe it would help change the whole dynamic, because you may present some counterarguments and the disgust will thin out or maybe even evaporate all together to allow for other feelings and emotions in it's place, that actually would be easier to endure. When you go into identifying and refining the emotion, you can try to see if you can "trade" one for another, more bearable one 😊

[@wrongname2702]

​@anyaroz8619 I was using it as an out the gate start with getting more comfortable feeling and expressing the emotions. I started there because I had such intense feelings about it. I'm not quite there yet with the self love and compassion but I am working towards self neutrality and it's working really well. It's much easier to start from neutrality than trying to figure out how to engage with self love and beating myself up for not loving myself. I have BPD so I get very intense and scary emotions but instead of beating them back with a stick I'm working to try and be able to slowly wade through them. Thank you for the more positive line of helpful questions instead of the "why" scripts my brain plays all the time. I hope I can be that curious about the emotions rather than judging them 😅

[@garya1973]

When I watched this the first time I got emotional when you answered the last question because it applies to other struggles we all face. I find myself going back to old coping skills and behaviors because I know them. Even if they don't work for me or are harmful, it's what I am familiar with and what feels safe to me. I had a therapist use the example of an old pair of shoes. They may be worn out and are no longer functional but they are what feels comfortable to us.

[@elliottr-zx7iv]

I thank God for Kati Morton!

[@DadouC2]

Thanks to you, Kati (a special thank you for answering my add-on). You always are so thoughtful by sharing your insight and taking the time to take care of us. You are a light for so many people xxx

[@xavariel]

You uploaded this right on time for me. I'm currently here in my healing journey.

[@celestialcucumber4684]

Thank you for answering my question about grief, Kati. You are always so extremely insightful, helping me see where I’m having some blindspots. Thank you thank you thank you.

[@nikkimckay860]

Sending surpport and care + prayers+hugs to everyone here a little message know matter what you do how much you can get though always remember small steps and even little things you are able to do are achievements i think we all need this message ❤🙏🏻

[@markuswunsch]

Why is being able to feel your feelings so important? Intellectualizing feels so much more healthy to me. Problem -> Solution... so what is wrong with that? Personally I can describe what I feel (or should feel) in great detail but I am actually like emotionally dead which might be part of my diagnosis of ADHD comorbid with CPTSD (several extreme cases), OCPD, ASPD, and NPD.

[@nikkimckay860]

@katimorton good afternoon you always look beautiful always love to see your smile and hear your supportive soft calming voice helps to keep me calm these AKA podcasts are always helpful and important to me ❤😊🙏🏻

[@dakotawatkins8457]

Sometimes when I get angry, I allow myself to react in as much of an appropriate way as the situation allows. But if I can, I try to reflect on why the other driver's actions are frustrating me and remind myself that there could be underlying reasoning for their actions. For instance, when I get road rage because of another driver's actions, I may get mouthy (hopefully never with the windows rolled down!), but I try to look at the situation as a whole; maybe the driver was having a bad day, experiencing emotions that they struggle to cope with, or maybe they just begun driving recently. If I sit and wallow in the anger, it can make the emotion grow and become overwhelming, but knowing where the anger is likely sourced from can really help to maneuver through the anger.

[@homesteadjude]

Hey Kati, could you answer why so many people seem to struggle with boundaries when it comes so naturally to animals in the natural world?

[@camiscreatures]

I’m grieving being misdiagnosed 2 years ago, not receiving my actual results till this year, and now being officially a year too old to receive additional assessments to try and receive accommodations so I’m just stuck without any real plan or idea of how to help myself. My other family members that have had what I do have not been well taken care of in the long run by other family members so I’m scared that if I can’t find accommodations that I’ll end up so exhausted I’ll be a zombie or forced to be one by taking medications. I don’t think all meds are terrible but when you’re misdiagnosed and take multiple at a time that don’t help you and only confuse you more, it feels scary to think about starting to take anything again. I wish it didn’t feel so black & white

[@missuntitledblog]

My mother was misdiagnosed all my childhood, it wasn't until I graduated college that she was diagnoses with bipolar disorder. She's doing a lot better (well.. in my perspective)

[@tamarahoward6409]

29:45 my thought on that line of thinking is like saying someone has it better than me so I have no right to be happy.

[@Yambataller]

Suffering and intellectualization comes from the ego, which is a survival mechanism we have inherited as a tool to survive in this world. It’s not our fault to have an ego with all this emotions, programs and believes in falsehood. I think it’s important to be forgiving to the ego, in ourselves and everyone else. It’s our animal that makes us make mistakes and false judgements of ourselves and others and then blames itself for it. The ego is a stage in the evolution of humanity. It’s not personal at all. We wouldn’t blame a little child for not knowing how to spell words correctly, so we can’t blame ourselves for being limited by the ego in our minds. Compassion is the source of forgiveness. Hold on to it. Innocence is the way out of suffering. It’s because of the innocence of the child that believes everything it hears in the media and entertainment that the mind had been programmed with so much negativity. And it’s that same innocence that believes every thought and perception as if they were true right now. Innocence is eternal. We can’t loose the essence of life itself. That’s why intellectualism is such a block, because the mind can’t discern the truth left to its own devices: the ego. It is the ego that believes that there is an opposite to life and innocence, or that they can be lost or become its opposite; but the ego itself was developed out of innocence. It is a mistake that everyone does out of innocence and here we are learning to look at it and stop believing our perception so we can become something far better: what we are in truth. Reality lies beyond and prior to the mind. Peace is the silence within. I hope this helps.

[@maddie_142]

For the person wondering about ADHD and bulimia, my first thought went to how not fuelling your body could be causing those "ADHD" symptoms.. If you're not getting proper nutrition, it would make sense that you are forgetful and restless. I would explore when these symptoms first developed and if they've been present in many areas of your life since early childhood. If they have, then maybe explore ADHD more. But if this is something you've only noticed since the ED developed, then it is probably just your body's reaction to not getting proper nutrition, as these are very common side effects of EDs as well

[@noturbo]

I cant stop crying

[@nikkimckay860]

@noturbo. Hello my name is Nikki I am a long time follower and subscriber of Kati Morton also a member of her livestream s I like meeting new people and chatting in the comments your comment stood out to Me are you ok may I ask why you was crying sorry I know I'm a stranger but I am a friendly caring person and love Kati she's such a helpful nice KZbin id just therapist I'd just like to send you care and prayers 😊

[@noturbo]

🫂Thanks Nikki 🫂 healing from complex trauma 😢🫂

[@eledeog]

🫂

[@tracyzimmerman7912]

I can't stop feeling scared

[@viennadesou6546]

I feel like the majority of therapists I've seen spend the most of the time trying to convince me that the things I'm struggling with are just normal; almost like they're going out of their way to downplay, invalidate and avoid specific diagnosis.

[@sunshinevalley0]

Trippy

[@nikkimckay860]

I have definitely had my share of very bad anger issues throughout my life involving relationships and friendship s i use to scream and swear and sometimes felt like throwing things but i started writing things down instead. or yes screaming into my pillow i am sometimes guilty and shameful that i use social media to vent my anger

[@coolsebastian]

please make more videos about relationship grief

[@joshp.5714]

Cats are great examples of healthy anger to maintain boundaries.

[@christophergame7977]

Recognise the variety of modes of consciousness as they occur. Try thinking of four modes: instinct, deliberation, intuition, sentiment.

[@fisharefwends]

I have GAD but we are working on my social anxiety in therapy. I still have GAD though and my anxiety is out of control sometimes.

[@alliwantisquiet]

Hi Kati! My friend won’t tell anyone about what’s actually going on and how unstable they are and feel. How do I aid them seek help when they don’t want to be locked away? Thank you😌

[@nikkimckay860]

@alli.mcdonald. I'm Nikki your comment stood out to me I'm so sorry and feel very sad for you and your friend I hope you find a way to help your friend and help your friend to hopefully feel less unstable ❤😢🙏🏻

[@alliwantisquiet]

@@nikkimckay860 Thank you Nikki. I appreciate that a lot.

[@shadowfreddy4044]

Hello Kati I was wondering something I was wondering if you can do a video on why I don't believe I'm smart I also was the one who told you about the sickle cell issue with was why depression and sickle cell goes hand and hand

[@bellachance1206]

Yes, I would like to hear this too.

[@desireemartin2339]

Sometimes I feel like I’m gaslighting myself because I’ll feel feelings but then my brain will go “that’s not real” and instantly numb out

[@LauraSV-f4v]

Kati, this episode is not available for some reason on my Podcast app (Apple). Not for download and not for listening to it either. I just thought I'd let you know.

[@dshanberry40]

Peace and pain can coexist, like two sides of the same coin where the currency is love.

[@cBe9999]

Question: Hi Kati. I was recently in a cafe and the person in front of me in the line was someone I knew to be a counsellor. She was being VERY rude to the cashier simply because the cashier couldn't work out the change. The counsellor (I'll call her 'Anna') wasn't MY therapist but I felt her behaviour was inappropriate generally but especially because I assume she has been trained not to react so emotionally. I recognise that therapists are human and have bad days and 'Anna' wasn't being rude to a client, but I've been wondering whether I should report the incident to a psychiatric organisation. At the very least, I think someone should advise her to be aware whether she might be bringing something unhealthy into her sessions. So, SHOULD I report the incident? Or would it have been better for me to speak to her at the time? If I should make a report, who should I contact? Thanks in advance.

[@jennw6809]

Most counselors and therapists I've seen are very messed up people who haven't done their own work. I'm not sure you can report anyone for this, though.

[@duffiwatts-siwicki5506]

I remember someone saying when dealing with emotions say how you feel to where your childhood self could understand. Use words like "sad, happy, mad" Even as children we feel things. We may not necessarily understand the emotions and how to navigate through them, so as an adult regardless of how you were raised and your upbringing; identify your emotions and saying how you feel to where your childhood self understands... It connects and correlates. It may possibly and hopefully heal something inside of you. Till this day, I remember at nine years old my stepfather (a narcissist) came in my room to patronize and antagonize me and I swung on him TWICE. The way the situation was handled, I ALWAYS bottled down anger because it was seen as an ugly emotion (in my mind atleast) last year, I gathered through experience; it's not an ugly emotion, but how you go about expressing anger can be ugly. Im sorry I didnt watch the full video. I just needed to get this out. If you read this FULL comment, you're a star. If you didn't, I understand completely and you're a star too.

[@christophergame7977]

Emotions belong to instinct; just experience, no judgement, no reason; for example grief, anxiety, anger. Sentiment is a rational mode; judgement based on a range of mutually relevant emotions; not deliberative. Learn to distinguish emotion from sentiment; exercise them for their respective benefits. The word 'feeling' has a panoply of different meanings.

[@bernhardgro4680]

This is honestly the reason I stopped therapy. I just couldn't do it. The whole concept of letting feelings happen. Something inside of me is just so stuck on that part.

[@absolutely_entirelyforHimalone]

I hope you'll decide to give therapy another go. I hope you'll be able to find someone you trust and feel safe with. For the longest time I was too scared to feel the full weight of my emotions because I thought if I did, if I opened that door, I'd be overwhelmed and would just drown in them. Or if I did express my emotions, I'd be judged and rejected for them. Fortunately, that wasn't the case - I'm really grateful to have found someone that I feel safe with and express anything and she holds them with me. I hope this for you. 💛

[@kristin.1124]

I just added you to my podcast app but neither can stream nor download this episode as it shows an error with the media data. Could you have a look at it so that podcast users also can enjoy this episode? 😊

[@pamwatkins4855]

It makes sense,.

[@hollytalbott7291]

Feelings are so hard for me to identify. Growing up, the only emotion I was allowed was “happy”. Then I got married, and it was more of the same. I have been divorced for 24 years. I have to use a chart to identify feelings. I’m terrified of journaling. I’m afraid I’ll die and someone will read what I’ve written.

[@Altermyego-]

GM Kati,

[@viphrh6974]

This podcast doesn’t play on podcast app on iPhone and it doesn’t download Could you please fix it😊 ?

[@CarlaBelle82]

Wondering if anyone can help - has Kati answered any questions about therapists taking long holidays/breaks? I’m sure someone must have asked about this at some point but searching through videos I can’t find anything. Any help much appreciated!

[@lucasarcadia9248]

How does one stop compartmentalising people?

[@GeorgePalmer-m8m]

I have had conversations with women that I thoroughly enjoyed. I just don't like small talk.

[@Elis-on]

❤

[@isabellabihy8631]

Oh my goodness, I have heard it ad nauseatum that exercise will help to get rid of anger. Not me, no way. In fact any bodily exertion will make me furious. I have screamed at innocent people in the parking lot of a fitness center. The rage is so deep that - sometimes -I would want to lunge at someone and hurt that person. Scary, huh? No, no steroid pills / injections involved. It is just welling up like a tsunami. Before getting arrested for causing bodily harm to someone, I quit exercising altogether. I hated sports in school, yet I would have rather had a math class, even though I wasn't good at math at all. I still don't understand people who hike in the mountains. What's the point of clambering up a mountain if you have to go down half an hour later? It's a dang waste of time and energy. I've asked professionals, psycho-therapists, they give me a look as if this rage is so outlandish. Is it? I get no answers, neither do I hear questions to dig deeper. I would like to enjoy a stroll in my neighborhood. Katie, I like you videos and keep watching them.

[@tamarahoward6409]

Grief and healing are not linear…….

[@cz2165]

You look like the young Catherine O’Hara in that still pic.

[@paigemalloy4276]

I wasn't allowed to express any anger. Any form of anger was automatically treated as insolence and defiance.

[@hollytalbott7291]

I get it, same for me.

[@davidwitt9375]

Wow I don’t know being normal can be so difficult

[@ihartevil]

31 20 Those 3 things are on the list for autism they might have that the other things needed good with spacial the last needed thing (usually good hearing on the list) the anexity/depression and ocd usually the something to look into see about the other criterias fitting into it for very specific type of autism unable to do work thats to easy (I got that one not as bad as others but its hard to deal with sometimes)

[@ihartevil]

I look at the back just to make sure no aspartame or something like that because that ecoli poisoning can make me sick aspartame I deal with better Roundup/glyphosate supposed to be the worst but my body oddly knows how to deal with it and I found out aspartame as a mouthwash actually fights roundup fairly well

[@GeorgePalmer-m8m]

When I was at school a lot of these women hung around outside my door running me down. I guess they had some perogative to do that, but it got so constant and persistent that it got really tiring. Then, somehow, they were able to see through my door. They talked about the things I was doing in my room. It was a serious invasion of my privacy. And women have been trying to make me gay for a long time, no matter how strongly I voice my objections. That made me hate women. It is such an exercise in bad faith.

[@ihartevil]

G l y p and then a h o s a and the t e gets counted as a bioweapon or something like that letters (a youtuber) one day decided to google that food and it came up as something like a bio nuecular weapon and I was cracking up because I dont think nuecular fits it but yes it gets used in nuecular weapons most likely Its far from food and I gave up caring when I found out other stuff way worse then this I suggest making sure to avoid that one the most for some reason my body handles that sheet and I mean it litterally goes under that it contains ecoli poisoning and partly why it gets used in weaponry

[@ihartevil]

I gave up swearing but I took up John greens smorgasbord way of swearing instead and got very creative with it

[@tracyzimmerman7912]

I'm terrified Uncertain Confused Irritated Angry I rather not be alive

[@ihartevil]

Looking at the ingredients still important because some of the stuff counts as a bioweapon that they put in food you might want to check more reseach into that I understand you think they are looking at the calories or something but i would ask them before hand what ingredients dont you want and that way somebody checks for them The issue sometimes a new bioweapon ingrediant or one that means caroil shows up i eat m and ms i know they consist of crude oil now I rather eat it then get injected with it though

[@ihartevil]

More likely the food they eat cause them to become hyper or something i knkw somebody who needs to avoid dairy because they become moody and end up with a weird depression state of mind from it

[@ihartevil]

It depends on how the brain gets wired the male brain tends to show anger over sadness for females its reverse Thats why I go with transgender hermaphroditic female as my gender my brain got wired the male way with the anger showing over the sadness Then a mental breakdown causes the tears and I allowed for it around teenage years because I realized I didn't need to always be the happy person so at night I threw away the happy person and became a complete mess

[@perhagman6112]

Marry me?

[@nikkimckay860]

@katimorton .i can completely relate and understand to the question about a lost friendship and the shame or blaming myself i did this so much aswell 😢🙏🏻