Kids Are Experiencing Abuse From My Ex-Husband

Kids Are Experiencing Abuse From My Ex-Husband
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[@TatiTati-tu9so]

Watching this 2 years later as I brace for the fight. I knew my son was protecting his dad somehow, but I had no proof. Yesterday, his dad ripped the phone off my son’s hands while he was talking to me. He thought he hung up, but he didn’t. I heard 7 minutes of pure emotional torture, culminating in physical abuse while all my 9yo said was “yes sir”. I was 2 hours away and this was 100 times worse than to be abused by him directly. I drove back immediately and talked to him at school, recorded the conversation, then asked him to tell a family friend everything so we have a witness. I’m meeting with a new lawyer tomorrow because mine is not good enough. I informed the school counselor and trying to get him a new therapist as he refuses to talk to his therapist. And still I’m terrified to loose in court and to see my son loosing faith in our system and shutting down completely. He admitted to be protecting his dad and I know there is much more he isn’t telling me.

[@plantyourpathtogether5407]

Please keep fighting. There is always more to what is happening. I never told my mom the whole story to protect her from the horror of it. And she didn't ask for help. Now I have a daily psychogenic siezures caused by the truama of it. Please never stop fighting for you children and involve all the authorities you can.

[@Zumcho]

She has to do something, even if it doesn't work. Speaking from experience, in situations like this, kids notice more when parents do NOTHING.

[@QuiverofArrows]

From a child who came from a home full of terror and phyical, mental and emotional abuse from the age of 5 to 18 my mom never left him till I moved out. She was too scared to tell on him because every time someone would find out it would get worse. So she stayed quiet. I came out with a broken spirit, ptsd and a whole lot of lost identity. I wished someone would have came to my sister and I rescue. Now as a mid 30s women I'm still picking up the pieces. Please fight for your boys!

[@davinasquirrel7672]

"She was too scared to tell on him because every time someone would find out it would get worse. So she stayed quiet." It sounds like she kept you alive, and herself alive. Never blame the victim of abuse, it is 100% the abuser's fault, every time. Whether you know it or not, she figuratively took a bullet for you, for years, until you were safely out of the house. That is not a sign of weakness, but strength to endure all that.

[@QuiverofArrows]

My mother wasn't the one being beat up it was my sister and I. She didn't take a bullet for us. My sister and I took the bullets for her, and our family therapist agreed. She did put her kids in harms way, and she had to come to terms with that in therapy. I do agree that my father is at fault for a lot, but so was my mother. She didn't wait till we were all safely out because my baby brother was still living there. A sign of strength is picking up your kids and running. My mom was strong in other ways. Because we're survivors.

[@davinasquirrel7672]

@@QuiverofArrows "A sign of strength is picking up your kids and running." Not necessarily. That is when most women (or women and children) get killed, leaving or just having left. That is the overwhelming stat. Also, you paint a one-sided picture there, which is at odds as to how most DV goes down, 'only' beating the children not her? Nope. How do you know she was not raped every night? How do you know whether or not that was the best method of controlling her? You are grown up now, start asking the harder questions of the dynamics, and not being victim mentality. BTW, I am actually a DV survivor, so do not tell me I do not 'understand'. I understand plenty, and my specialty is understanding abuser tactics, and risk assessment. I get that you believe you were the 'innocent victim' in this, yes you were, but so is EVERY single DV victim out there. Think about that.

[@QuiverofArrows]

It's funny that you think you know more about what happened in my home then me. My mother and I are close we both know what happened and it definitely wasn't what your saying. You can say whatever you want but I lived through it, You didn't lived through MY childhood. Go pick a fight with someone else.

[@Mysterious_Moon]

Your kids need you to help them. It will scar them deep, for the rest of their lives. They will have depression, anxiety, extreme self-doubt, etc. Tell your kids that he was wrong and continue to tell them because this will haunt them. Document and get a lawyer to separate them. It's verbal abuse. I wish my mother did this faster.

[@Mysterious_Moon]

Wrote this before I heard the end. The past abused know exactly what they would have done if they had power as children.

[@dane2322]

The fact that you can’t sit down with the guy and talk to him.. and you said “yep he’ll take it out on the kids”… Jesus you gotta get them away from that freak.. so hard for you, can’t even imagine but you gotta be a momma warrior for your kids. Good luck and prayers sent your way

[@anisaborakaj7492]

Dislikes are from abusive ex-husbands.

[@anneshirley9560]

Here before all of the people that say “ there are two sides to every story”, or “she’s lying” and then a bunch of nit picky stuff or just straight up making stuff up.

[@anisaborakaj7492]

@@anneshirley9560 people can say whatever they want, but reality speaks louder.

[@mariee.5912]

Of course

[@bkucenski]

Document document document. Keep a journal with dates. The kids are old enough to testify in court. Eventually it'll be too much for them and a good lawyer will help make the case. Let the kids know they can tell their dad he can't talk to them that way.

[@janettetimms8650]

Why have them go through it to the end of their tolerance Stop it

[@tabithaedwards745]

Unfortunately until he puts his hands on the kids and hurts them there's nothing to court system allow you to do.

[@mikeutech]

All the feels on this call, my kids former step dad just received a life sentence for abusing my sons. So proud of them for saying something, just wish it could have been stopped sooner.

[@brightpage1020]

This is a brave momma for reaching out.

[@niicoleangela]

It’s hard to listen to this. Dr John, unfortunately, does not understand how broken the family court system is.

[@maryjane-vx4dd]

My son was threatened with death for the things he told me and I was told I could loose him if I didn't stop trying to help him. This stopped when he turned 18 because he couldn't be use as a weapon anymore

[@lmd9364]

This is what people don’t realize. The system punishes moms who try to help their kids escape abusive coparents. And some kids do speak up, but their voices are not taken seriously. She’s in a tough spot because she has to find allies in a system that will work against her almost every step of the way.

[@tenshi.kurama]

She was doing the right thing by not badmouthing their father in their presence, I am in the same situation. My kids father is a once in a blue moon good dad (means even though he has visitation he only visits or takes her once a month) and I think he’s an idiot but I don’t call him an idiot in front of my kid. She can develop her own opinion as she grows and when she’s older like late teens early adult if she wants to know the why I will tell her with as little disrespect as possible which would be hard

[@pramiladevi7476]

UNIVERSAL PSYCHOLOGICAL TRUTH THAT WIFE & HUSBAND IN RELATION OR IN EX- RELATION SHOULD NOT ABUSE OR USE BAD LANGUAGE AGAINST EACH OTHER INFRONT OF KIDS. IT AFFECTS THEM PSYCHOLOGICALLY. ITS A PITY THAT MANY COUPLES' RELATION STRAINS FOR SOME REASON OR THE OTHER. DR.JOHN DELONY IS THE RIGHT PERSON TO ADVISE COUPLES IN DISTRESS.

[@kristinam2719]

The doc is right - it’s better to try to prevent damage then trying to undo it later, because there’s actually no undoing it completely. Please go to bat for them NOW!

[@lmd9364]

9:40 Best part: There’s a track record saying you went to war for your kids. Maybe you lost every time, but you fought for their safety.

[@aileencrane7700]

Please don’t be compliant in child abuse. Get them out of that toxic situation.

[@davinasquirrel7672]

It is difficult with the court system, that gives 50/50 custody or unsupervised visitation. If you do not allow the abuser access to the children, then you are the one in trouble, not him (or in some cases, her).

[@noelgawrysiak8679]

As someone who just divorced a man just like him, I can tell you this reeks of narcissistic abuse- which means it will definitely get worse if she does something about it. It doesn’t mean that’s the wrong choice it’s just a fact, and in my case- legal abuse and financial abuse will follow. They love the drama of a court case. Play therapy is a great option though- a professional opinion like that can usually be used in court proceedings.

[@Wyo2Wis]

Serious question: why did you choose him?

[@noelgawrysiak8679]

@@Wyo2Wis they are very very manipulative people and in the beginning of a relationship they typically do not show you their true colors or may lie to you about who they are to get results they want. Then when you move in together or get married or become pregnant the abuse starts- again, you can look up narcissistic abuse- it’s a diagnosable personality disorder that these individuals have that cause them to treat others so terribly. Therapy typically isn’t very successful for the people causing the harm, but it is the best option for all of the hurt people in their wake. I.e. this callers kids, or former spouse, as I have done so too.

[@Wyo2Wis]

Thanks for your response. Your advice to others at the start of a relationship would be?

[@UnAnonKnown]

@@Wyo2Wis It’s actually a pretty classic pattern. The narcissist meets you, love bombs you with words and gestures and tells you that you’re everything they’ve ever wanted. And you believe them. Narcissists at their core are very insecure but don’t have the maturity to face their own flaws. So I think what happens is that when they meet someone that’s great they put them on a pedestal and think that this person is the key to all their problems. But the person ends up being only human - so all their problems don’t go away - and instead of owning their own part in this they start blaming the partner ... start chipping away at them. The partner in turn becomes very confused and thinks “well this person was so amazing ... maybe this is a rough patch ... maybe it really IS me.” So the partner kills himself/herself trying to get back the original version of the narcissist ... until one day they realize it was never real. The best way to avoid this is to not believe someone who tells your out loud that you’re the one/you’re absolutely perfect within a few weeks of meeting you. Don’t trust grandiose proclamations and promises. Levelheaded people know that you can’t really get to know someone within a few weeks/ months and they’ll hold off on such grandiose statements until they really know you.

[@noelgawrysiak8679]

@@Wyo2Wis taking it very slow and knowing what to look for. But to some extent, it can happen to anyone. Abuse is insidious and isn’t caused by action/inaction. But taking it slow and getting to know someone as well as possible before taking the next step and the next step.

[@darylmiller8911]

Probably the correct path is legal advice. What she is dealing with is a dad who is volatile and not logical. Feels like if she talks to him, the next visit with boys he may say to them every time you go crying to your mom etc.

[@elainehague12]

This really choked me up, i had the exact same thing happen with my 2 boys of the same ages for years, especially every time their dad got a new partner. They hate the current one. In the UK, the police, cps or lawyers won't help you without evidence and if you stop the children going there with an active court ordered custody arrangement, then I'd be the one in trouble. I had so many sleepless, anxious days and nights worrying about their safety. It's a horrible position to be in, and the exes always know they've got you over a barrel. I'll never forgive my ex for what he put us all through. Stay strong, Jennifer, you can do this, your boys need you.

[@Vpa2870]

She's still trying to keep the peace, at the cost of the children. She doesn't want to deal with the Dad and I'm glad she's been called out on it. Wishing her all the best though!

[@plantyourpathtogether5407]

I lived this as a child. A lot of the times the suvivoral akills you need actively prevent you from sharing the horrors and all you can just repeat are the mean words. Please every parent reading this, its always worse to have an abusive parent then be no contact.

[@rn2787]

I know that they gaslight you, lie to the courts, and some judges honestly don't do their jobs, but you have to keep trying. I hope this family gets help and heals from this.

[@emilykozel5087]

She is correct it’s not enough in the eyes of the family court system. You could have proven documentation that shows this and the family court will still award visitation. She needs to get her boys into therapy and have it documented through that. Family court system is broken. That sounds good in theory to keep going back to court until they listen. Not going to happen. She’s right he will just take it out on the kids. Google narcissistic abuse.

[@niicoleangela]

So true.

[@traceycurtis1005]

GA is one of the only states that parents excessive arguing/screaming/fighting is considered child abuse. If cops knock on the door and parents are screaming at each other in front of kids they will both be arrested and children removed.

[@mumejpatel7390]

Saying stupid is abusive come to India 😂

[@charityduplechan9346]

Also depending on what state she lives in the boys can legally make the decision for themselves who they want to live with. Here in California it’s 10.

[@jenniferbassett3001]

EXCELLENT advice 👍 Dr. John! You're spot on 💯💙 Jennifer, I'm so very sorry that you and your boys have to go through THAT GARBAGE 😡 I'll be praying for you and your boys 🤗 hug's from Oregon!

[@JustActNormal]

I heard this deep.

[@smb0621]

Even if she fights and loses, it creates a record.

[@mariebarnes1238]

Please talk to a lawyer. You are allowing your kids to be abused.

[@brightpage1020]

She seems scared to “get involved” and I wonder if it could be because a lot of folks warn against parental alienation and these days the tides are turning on moms in courts. You are counseled by legal constantly that you are never allowed to say anything negative about the other parent or their parenting choices in front of the kids. So you have to teach them to stand up for themselves in those moments. Or to turn their back to the abuse and try to put distance: the door to a room, a wall, a phone a friend to pick them up… To deal appropriately with abuse even though they shouldn’t have to. And documenting what you notice or calling in on him when they tell you things - you can do this privately - doesn’t have to be in front of them - but that will give them support that Dad can’t or won’t for whatever reason.

[@elaine8417]

If u know this. Stop contact

[@100PercentMe.]

I've been in a really bad situation way WORST than she described of her situation and I know every single situation can be a tad bit different but, i really can understand how people can actually tell someone not to bad mouth someone who EXPOSES abusive, harsh, mean and nasty evil behavior infront the children and even toward and infron of other family members who are witnesses. How can you say good things about a persin who is destroying everyone around them,Smh. I just dont see it as bad mouthing when there is CLEARLY nothing good to say about the person! I tell my children the TRUTH.. and I feel like choosing to not tell them is just as WRONG and harmful becsuse yoir trying to cover up the truth with lies as if that will change the situation.

[@janettetimms8650]

Don't keep kids round a toxic dad trust me they don't need that

[@aeroswirl]

Parents need therapy, not the kids.

[@NVI2309]

So, basically, the courts don’t care! Get together with a psychologist that deals with the courts … and they will say “he say, she say”. When ppl get divorced, they need to understand that they will be allowing a new person from either the mother’s side or dad’s side. That person might not be good. So, ppl, before giving birth to children and getting divorced shortly after, don’t have children! The drama will be never ending. Attorney will not do anything. Courts will not do anything. I find this psychologists being too judgmental too quickly. Almost giving false hope to ppl without hearing the other side. From what she said, there is not much to go off.

[@Scott-got-caught]

Just call child protective services. They'll open an investigation and he will lose parental rights. Done. They'll probably be better off without this toxicity in their life than to continue as is would cause more psychological damage

[@abark]

Why would you ever call the government about your own children? Stick to buying houses

[@rosewein]

It’s not impossible but social services have worst cases than this. Most likely they would look and say it seemed alright.

[@vickimerritt2832]

She has to be very careful and have good documentation and a solid case, or the court will see it as harassment and she could lose custody over it. I know it seems absurd and back wards but some pro Dad, no matter what judges, will rule against her without a clear cut case of serious abuse or harm and proving documented evidence, She could be labeled as alienating. Nuts and crazy, I know but it does happen.

[@djpuplex]

Remember we are only hearing one side of the story. He could be a bad guy sometimes one party just uses the kids as a weapon.

[@A.--.]

John please study the Quran and Islam and Bart Ehrman to get to the truth. BTW what do you think of TEAM CBT by Dr. Burns from ucsf?

[@9118Ray]

She's saying "I think... but I can't prove." If you can't prove it then I suspect you're lying.

[@mariee.5912]

How do you know? She hasn't see it.