How to deal with conflict calmly

00:00 - Introduction
01:12 - I. The ego shall be stroked
04:02 - II. Responding, reacting or staying silent?
06:06 - III. Know when thou shalt shut up
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[@LanaBlakely]

I'd like to thank the lovely people who follow me on instagram. I've been STRUGGLING to get this video up and you all are always so quick to help me out whenever I need you. I'm so grateful. You can join the instagram fam here to get the behind the scenes of all my daily struggles. :') → instagram.com/lanablakely

[@martinfromfrenstat]

Imagine the silence if people only said what they knew KAREL ČAPEK I've been mostly silent since I read this idea, because I know I don't really know much of anything

[@billmcgoon9991]

🔥😭

[@MmM20978]

Don’t show up for the fight is one of the best pieces of advise I ever had!

[@deltorojoeysativa1558]

Your daily struggles. What a joke.

[@natemarx4999]

Silence is exactly what the 21st century needs.

[@tomorrow6]

We did have enough of silence in the face of Marx in the 20th century, did we not?

[@darthvader0219]

But too so much silence that everyone practically ghosts one another

[@toymachine2020]

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt” Mark Twain

[@intentionalliving7326]

Good one! 🤗

[@subirbarat7244]

true

[@mr.silver1614]

I thought that was Abraham Lincoln, wasn't it?

[@DoctorAzmain]

Rather than "reacting", I find it's easiest to empathise with others. WHY is the other party feeling or thinking that way? Instead of trying to reinforce my position or prove I'm right. Obviously this helps as a doctor when I'm interacting with e.g. angry patients. But this also helps hugely in my personal life as well - don't take things as a personal attack, try to understand why the other party is responding the way they are, and be respectful of them having an opinion (even if they are objectively wrong!)

[@CiaraLynn]

Very good response doctor!

[@dianaadhdchannel]

Yes!

[@swaroop2518]

But that makes me feel like I am tolerating a crime or a wrong thing. For example- If a person is speaking racist and sexist stuffs, then should I interfere and correct them? Or should I not? Does it depends on the relation of that person with me? Or should I just make my own opinion in my head silently and just enjoy my own life without any care? I mean when should we protest and when we shouldn't? When I don't protest for social issues then it makes me feel like and irresponsible person. And then I start getting sad.

[@DoctorAzmain]

@@swaroop2518 I think it's definitely situation dependent. To clarify, I believe it's about picking the *least hurtful option* - and I feel that's the essence of Lana's video! Yes we have every right to speak out against racism, sexism, homophobia, and other hurtful comments and actions - because we'd be doing more harm by not acting. We should stay silent only when staying silent is the best option to avoid further hurt. That's my two cents ☺️

[@yaikunamanya3038]

That sound naive

[@srikanthtangirala9191]

As an introvert, I'm silent most of the time and only talk when it matters. But people mistake my silence with shyness and think something is wrong.

[@intentionalliving7326]

and that is ok too 🤷🏻‍♀️🤗

[@fuckyousociety2255]

Dont worry bro Ppl are just on the path towards creating a society full of insanity

[@srikanthtangirala9191]

@@fuckyousociety2255 Yes, I don't care what people think of me because thats what I am and won't change for anyone

[@muktadixit]

@@srikanthtangirala9191 somewhat relatable.

[@srikanthtangirala9191]

@@muktadixit I'm sorry you relate but thanks for commenting

[@latebloomer7120]

Most of time I'm silent during a group convo because I'm simply NOT interested in the topic. I'd rather save my energy for some deep and meaningful conversation.

[@RealJamieBarclay]

When you argue, you have already lost. You have activated the chimp part of the brain (the amygdala) and neither side is listening to the other, you are just attacking and trying to win. Instead, seek understanding of the other side and more importantly, seek truth. Truth over validation.

[@JamieAsareZiegler]

"When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside." ~ Rumi "He had nothing to say and he said it." ~ Ambrose Bierce

[@jenniev1791]

Staying silent is quite a powerful tool and possibly one of the most deadliest and smartest thing that you could possibly weaponized yourself with in this day and age. It seems like so many people search for every possible moments to explode and take out their anger and hatred on other people even in situations where they can just choose to stay silent. I had been and still am guilty of this but I have definitely improved over the last few months. Truly life-changing for me.

[@intentionalliving7326]

It takes a strong will indeed... and lots of practice 🤷🏻‍♀️😁

[@28deltay]

But by staying silent it seems to others that we are easy and we allow whatever they do to us..?

[@deii8532]

@@28deltay so when they try us, we speak up.

[@shinedest4943]

@@28deltay let them.

[@latebloomer7120]

Silence is so powerful yet so underrated.

[@luz5085]

I'd say it's neutral nothing powerful about it.

[@gingerbrigite]

Thank you! This is my sign!!!

[@GirlPeasTheSingleLife]

Sometimes not reacting and staying silent can be SO much more powerful than a whole load of word vomit. Easier said than done though, the ego always tends to be hungry. 😅Love this video and Eckhart Tolle is the GOAT 🐐❤ 😆

[@intentionalliving7326]

🙌🏻

[@shreedas5560]

Touching on your ego point-- we identify with our ideas way too much and take criticism of those ideas as criticism of us. We should be a little detached :)

[@parmenides9036]

This is why I like books so much! When else would you let somebody else rant at you for 20+ hours without interrupting?

[@intentionalliving7326]

😁 good one! 🤗 It is a silent rant... from someone we enjoy ✨✨

[@parmenides9036]

@@intentionalliving7326 It works both ways though. If you have something to say and it takes 20+ hours to explain you'd better write a book😉

[@user-bn8en8mn5p]

@@parmenides9036 brilliant XD

[@sashalena6131]

wow never thought abt it in tht way :)

[@ClarenceandAng]

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - forget the author lol

[@sanaullahraisofficial]

Terri Farley author lol

[@vveva]

i just watched a silent voice (a heavy and beautiful film that i postponed for years) and this video was recommended

[@KingDayDayDay00]

I learned to have loose lips and over speak because growing up I was too quiet. Now I've spent the last years trying to have a healthy balance, which is hard. Learning when to just not verbally push back or say something

[@aprilsky5044]

@Day Quiet opposite to you. Now I am too afraid to speak up because of my past experiences.....And I am still finding the balance too...........

[@MaDepRo]

@Day I have the same situation! I was so shy when I was younger. I’ve noticed in my work place that I talk too much with not that much intention. Also it has affected me to not listen so carefully what others has to say by words and body language. I hope that being aware of it I can learn out from it.

[@jaimetan]

I can definitely relate - especially when I feel like “I have a right to get my point across and not feel silenced!!” …it’s finding that balance between when it’s the right moment to stay silent and let the other person vent/ not engage with someone trying to provoke… and also whether what you say will actually be heard coz when tensions are high, both parties usually aren’t really listening. It takes so much patience, and it’s still a process… 🙏

[@falistiq]

I can relate to it, I've been in that situation/position. What you've said is true, I always find myself ashamed/embarased and in regret after made that respond in negative way. love your video.

[@jannasterling4153]

I Totally agree with you Lana. Especially when it comes to dealing with NARCISSISTS and PSYCHOPATHS. Or even just people in general. It brings more peace into your life. Tho, it's something that it's very hard to do Especially with negative confrontational people. But, many other related topics come to mind regarding this topic, like no contact, blocking, the silent treatment. For me, I practice silence as a way of keeping my peace in my life and also it is very good for your mental health to distance yourself from negative people.

[@ShermanKyle]

That last bit is a true golden nugget, incredibly well put Lana. I learned rule of thumb 2 the hard way over a decade, but by Jove I’m glad I have it now!

[@AwakenYourInnerBuddha]

I loved it when you said, "Never miss the chance to shut up." A concept of choosing to be silent that this video discusses in Lana way is perhaps going beyond how it talks about itself. Starting around 7:00, it reveals that the act of silence is trying to understand the feelings and intentions of the other, which is different from and much more mindful than just being silent. By being silent, perhaps unbeknownst to silence-choosers themselves, it is doing much more than just being silent. It is actually listening to others by letting them speak and express. That said, to me, Lana's "shut up" method is about "Never miss the chance to be actively shut up."

[@DoubleSpoons]

This video served as a wonderful reminder to me. Thank you

[@g.c955]

Love this topic, thanks for sharing :) Ego is definitely one of those things you need to be aware of and manage if you want to have a happy life.

[@NatureDaydream]

Your smile after saying the quote on never missing a good chance to shut up looks so lovely 😊❤️. There is so much positive energy in your personality. Stay cool.

[@peanutsconcoppham9251]

appreciated highly Lana wise solution of staying silent, protecting ourselves from social media.

[@lukehibbs6723]

This is one of my new favorites! Will definitely come back to this one

[@buenopaula]

This is exactly the video I needed! You were brilliant as always Lana 😇

[@vanconferenceinterpreting]

Wonderful sharing Lana. My personal style of handling things resonates so much with what you learned, practiced, and shared here.

[@pratibhaswami4556]

Thank you I needed this.. I have made many times people upset with my short temperedness... And after reacting to them I always felt guilty and cried for hours of what I have done... Now I will act like you said so me and my people will have a healthy communication in any argument

[@dianaadhdchannel]

Have had struggles balancing responding, reacting and staying silent. I learned that for me silence is best. If not silent, then an awfully long pause. “Never miss a good chance to shut up” classic. 👏👏👏

[@raninush5928]

I love that u added the people u mention! Now I can’t avoid searching and reading about them

[@adamcotton2121]

This video is amazing. In undergrad, I told myself that I must learn when to "shut up." I now share this notion with my students. It is brilliant advice, but difficult to face, indeed.

[@KuchisabishiiYo]

I hope you continue making video's like this...I really need this...

[@cottoncloud134]

Your smile is so precious❤ thank you for the lesson

[@SamLumba]

Thank u for this. I dont talk to people who were very eristic but when I do. Silence are good especially when some people think every conversation is an argument to win.

[@lucas5893]

I saw a video from a mexican teenager who joined the zapatist movement and he said something like "all my life I was told to express my thoughts and opinions, but I never really listened. Here I listen more than I speak". It really hit me

[@ChrisGaultHealthyLiving]

Another awesome video, Lana! Great job! It took me awhile but I learned to just remain silent if I believe I can’t add value to the conversation or if it’s just so negative I don’t want to go there.

[@intentionalliving7326]

Beautifully put! Are we adding value? If not, silence and appreciation of the other’s viewpoints are plenty

[@user-qv1mi1gy1l]

This video is absolutely great lana thank you . I always needed to know the difference between responding and reacting. Very usefullll

[@lauragatinha7270]

Omg, Lana, this video really spoke to my soul 😍🥰 I am the queen of saying things that I instantly regret. I really learnt so much but still have such a long way to go before I stop feeling cringe and like a idiot when I talk. Oh and don’t get me started about drinking alcohol and word vomit…My God!

[@lamberrrto]

I’ve always been a hot-headed and impulsive guy, but lately I’ve been trying to be more patient and yeah, this video totally summarised what i do which is- keep quiet. Sometimes offering your silence is way better than trying to win an endless argument, and it brings peace.❤️

[@Hannah_King1995]

I love your hair and your eyes

[@maybe8985]

I really needed one of your videos rn

[@wester831]

You are an inspiration ❤️

[@Realestatepenny]

I needed this today

[@Scratchy29]

I didn't watch the video til the end yet but I'm so happy that I'm not the only one like that! I describe myself as someone that learn from his mistakes or don't forget certain things and from them there is the topic that you are talking about, so happy that I discovered this channel few months ago 😊

[@theredguy8746]

The type of person that drives me crazy are ones that look for conflict and enjoy the drama. There are better ways for your life to have meaning and to be liked and respected than mouthing off in every conflict or argument, especially if it has nothing to do with you.

[@95afaf]

I couldn't agree more! Ps: I've been enjoying your podcast, it's one of my favourites. Thank you for your hard work🌹

[@anabelapliso]

This one was so needed! Thank you, Lana.

[@cloudy38]

i love your channel so much

[@andrescarnederes2295]

Just what I needed!

[@GrayFur]

Yesterday I discovered that they finally introduced podcasts to Russian Spotify. I finished three of your podcasts while I was drawing, today will listen to the rest of them before sleep. They turned out to be quite relaxing. Thank you Lana.

[@harasunflower]

I should not forget these

[@lornapolaris2920]

love your video style

[@evannuestro5017]

You deserve a book Lana❣️

[@slusam1000]

Such a great video, Lana! I know you’ve been struggling with videos for the past few weeks, meaning you didn’t really like what you’ve produced. It shows in this one - it’s really really good ♥️ (but I love all your videos, anyways ☺️)

[@Khai326]

I'm so blessed i come across this video as yesterday i was thinking about should start practice silence beside express opinion to unnecessary people. Thank you enlighten me！

[@TrangPhan-fg9eu]

Thank you for your amazing videos

[@thisisbriancharles]

Awesome! I love you already! 😘

[@BENXONESTUDIO]

I think when human errors were done in the past, just letting it go and keep moving forward is key to calmness! 👍✨

[@laurencevincentg.gk.8061]

Merci beaucoup pour cette vidéo Lana.

[@iliamedvedev1067]

Go Lana!!!

[@tlz8884]

This is so relatable to my experience

[@dr.scorpiopus8064]

Your video content is great as it is well thought and applicable while your voice, like caramel, soothes and calms my mind.

[@nimalama534]

“You need to pick ur batttles carefully”💥 Not everything deserves ur attention :)

[@alessiasutherberry]

Yet again another super interesting video!❤️❤️

[@patrickmolyneux2951]

I thought about saying nothing but I enjoyed the video so much, I just had to say thank you.

[@josephmartinez8803]

"Silence is Golden" is a original (written & sung) 4 Season song. Both versions are great!

[@champiemoon649]

This video appeared at the right time. I just had such a situation yesterday

[@amansultani5410]

Thank you nice advice

[@NFSMAN50]

Embracing silence is the best thing you can do!!

[@arelixxro]

“The ego shall be stroked like that of a kitty cat” Lana that’s so powerful and useful.

[@Shihab1979]

Thank you very very much ✝️❤️✝️

[@jdmohan51]

Silence allows me to channel my energies. It gives the clarity that i need to calmly face challenges and uncertainty.

[@davidhopkins2286]

Just discovered your channel amazing content and so helpful. Thank You 🙏

[@idkidkidk3333]

Very good advice, and I think you presented your ideas very clearly and concisely! Thank you!

[@LanaBlakely]

Thank you!!

[@Mj00527z]

Yeah ofcourse I'm agree with you.

[@dylanjohnson3346]

You make alotof sense girl

[@TheNKS777]

This human is beautiful

[@yodavidesquivel]

Great advices

[@pablogatgens2348]

Great Advice

[@emmzee551]

"Cautious silence is the holy of holies of worldly wisdom." -Baltasar

[@elMore1107]

Thanks 😊

[@taiga4878]

"Still waters run deep", as the saying goes.

[@manatee-qj8lb]

Instead of reacting. Don't say anything take a step back think and respond.

[@ifesoks8447]

I love youuuuu arghhhh

[@sindhusekar1]

Speech is silver. Silence is golden.

[@keithhawkins7907]

Silence is golden Duct tape is silver.

[@sindhusekar1]

@@keithhawkins7907 😂

[@RonniP]

I love your videos oh my 🥰🥰

[@lamunudaisy3306]

Freedom from the ego is the beginning of enlightenment

[@wood1793]

Thank you for your insights Lana. Really appreciate the peaceful vibe I get from you. I just wanted to ask you about what you mentioned before about learning french. I'm Just interested to know about your strategy to learn it. Thank you so much again. Love from Cairo♥

[@zayn1172]

Great content keep up lana ❤️😁👍🏼

[@amilinduwijesinghe]

Staying silent is the best option. This lockdown brought out the worst in me and I'm learning to stay silent rather than continuing to argue. It's better for your mental health.

[@hiragomes5971]

This was important. 🥰

[@HanfM]

I adore you silently.

[@ahmedgamez6425]

I love ur way of thinking

[@reachingforthesun]

More please.

[@hamiltonguy6957]

Não sei quase nada de inglês mas estou aqui. Adorei o conteúdo

[@ronit9918]

its so true!! such a shame the easier is it in theory, the harder it is to follow. plus, when you stay silence, the other side say more, and gives you more to think about, assess, and know about how they are feeling and what they think, and, they usually fall in their own words, if you still like to be right :) being right staying silence and calm is so much more rewarding. if only i wouldn't be emotional hormonal wreck for two weeks every month!

[@kelvinxg6754]

I do the same i usually stay silent rather than talking back

[@justrd9]

I agree with all this except when driving in NY.

[@ssjgara]

Not everything needs a reaction, just observe and let go of it.