Let's Talk Love | Healing From Narcissistic Abuse with Dr. Ramani Durvasula

This week on Let's Talk Love, Robin is joined by clinical psychologist and author, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, to discuss the journey of healing from narcissistic relationships. Dr. Ramani shares insights from her practice and new book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, diving into common traits of people with narcissistic personalities and explaining why narcissistic individuals are resistant and most likely not going to change.
They explore the emotions of grief and shame that often accompany leaving a narcissistic relationship. Dr. Ramani gives effective strategies for healing and reclaiming one’s whole self and autonomy. For those seeking to understand and recover from narcissistic abuse, this interview offers validation, perspective and practical tools for moving forward in the healing process.
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Learn more with Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
Book: It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
CA: amzn.to/3IgahDN
US: amzn.to/3TedMRt
Narcissistic Relationship Healing Program + Community: doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
00:00 Intro
01:10 Introduction and Background
01:30 Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
04:17 Feedback on the Book
07:49 Narcissistic Personality Traits
09:17 Narcissism on a Spectrum
11:25 Rigidity of Narcissistic Personality
13:19 Personality Traits on a Spectrum
20:26 Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
25:57 Disenfranchised Grief
29:17 Shame and Blame
29:36 Radical Acceptance and Finding Hope
32:35 Detachment and Indifference
36:49 Reframing the Healing Journey
42:55 Taking Back What Was Lost
48:05 Making a List
51:19 Reclaiming Core Values
56:47 Becoming Narcissist Resistant

[@amac2573]

One of the last issues Dr Ramani speaks about is being in a rush. Be careful of people who try to pressurise you or rush you into doing something or making a decision such as getting engaged, going on holiday, moving to another area, etc.

[@debbiemckenna5]

This is Exactly what my ex husband did to me. Pressured me to go out with him, move in with him and to get married. It didn’t get bad until we had our 3 children. I stayed at home with them until 8th grade and the children and I were Very attached and close. My X was Extremely Very JEALOUS! He said that the kids Love me more then him. Then he tried turning them against me PARENTAL ALLIANATION! He became demonic. I believe NARCS are the Devil 👿

[@wellinever1558]

I have always said this. They cant keep up their mask for longer. They also suffocate and stalk you so you dont have time to thi k and process it. So dangerous. I wish i had known Dr Romani years ago. To understand first then helps you to heal. Its so damaging.

[@jindih]

Selling MY flat, taking the money to cover his huge debts, complete denial of having any money off me, moving in with me, getting married….huge rush! 😢

[@NancyBrown1975]

Yes and they keep a fire lit under you to keep you busy in servitude to them. If you slow down they prod you on and try to KEEP you on your toes serving them.

[@insiteandawareness3500]

Agreed 💯 I was with a man who wanted to rush into living together and then was talking about marriage way too soon. I knew the marriage part was a red flag and after living with him I saw many red flags such as lying or withholding information about himself from me. When I found out he had an addiction to porn I started to slowly leave him in my mind and after 6 months I was completely done with him.

[@NaomideBlonk]

To recover from this 28 year relationship has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Just like Robin explained I gave up so much of what was me. Thank you Dr Ramani for your intelligence and insightfulness around such a complex issue. I have listened and learnt from you now for the past 3 years, and have read your book. Thank you for helping survivors recover and to be able to look forward. I am so grateful.

[@gillianfrances]

I was told that I couldn't work, drive or even have my mail delivered to the letterbox. I had to go & collect it from his workplace. I also had to ask for money, I didn't have any money of my own. I can not believe now that I ever accepted this. I see him now as like a concentration camp guard. Everything that was me was slowly, insidiously chipped away. I now feel such joy to know that he has no control, at all, that I am completely independent & free of this awful being.

[@insiteandawareness3500]

I think they call it coercive control. I had a similar experience where he would keep tabs on me and tell me what to do and once I got away he became a stalker. Protective order has kept him away. If I would have known I wouldn't have gone out on the first date with that monster.

[@brynne77]

@@insiteandawareness3500 Wow. Glad you got away. Hope he stays away.

[@fiction589]

Congrstulations and salutes to all Ladies who got free 🥳🥳🥳 be free like the wind from toxic men !!❤❤❤❤

[@julianterris]

What really threw me, was that she never loved me, *and* I didn't *realize* it! And *that* was my lightbulb moment. (A therapist had alluded to it many years before but I was not able to hear it...) What I *realized* was that both my parents were narcissists -and that had set me up for a whole string of narcissistic relationships -in my personal life and my budding professional life too. I gradually realized that I had naturally concluded that "(yet again) it was my fault." There are two types of folk who have a string of broken relationships: Narcissists *and their victims!* . No one wants to see themselves as a "victim" or as "supply" "I'm too smart, too empathic and sophisticated to get caught in *that* trap." Once the Honeymoon's over, the "house lights" go on.

[@robinchilds7492]

When I met the narcissist he told his friends he got a good one this time. Now I know what he really meant.

[@jindih]

Mine said to me, “I know which side my bread is buttered” because I earned more than him.

[@GaslightingIsEvil]

​@@jindihI don't know what that means. Can you elaborate please?

[@elenaangheluta]

😢 yes been there trofee , just know you are much more than a 🏆 ,value yourself

[@milarepa1234567]

@@GaslightingIsEvil idiom. informal. : to know how to act or how to treat others in order to get what one wants. He pretends to be impartial, but believe me, he knows which side his bread is buttered on.

[@Lynn826]

Wow. So true.

[@MsLisa551]

Healing is an amazing journey. After 6 years divorced I went on a vacation solo.. a 1500 mile motorcycle tour in the southwest Canyons. I was full of fear and I did it anyway, it was the best experience. I am really proud of myself. Through my canyon stops , I sent my ex narc pictures with no text. And got no reply. That was validation too. Lol as he sat and watched me grow without him must be frustrating. 😊😅 As he use to say to me,,, "watch and learn" ditto!!

[@cotinaevans6763]

Good for you! This is confirmation for me to get moving even if I am afraid and cry the entire time!

[@henryhorn4097]

Good Luck on your healing journey. Thank you for sharing this content. I have been dealing with Narcissistic Abuse for the past 10 years. It’s actually a Blessing knowing that I’m finally free. ❤

[@madelainebanchs3729]

Thank you much for this incredible interview! I really felt the part that I was always wrong ,selfish an ungrateful when some topic o behavior came up ,that I should behave accordingly because so many women in town wanted my life,my house,my family... I was the crazy one because he was always right . I gave up my morning green juice because the noise of the blender bothered him at 8am coming back from talking the girls to school. Simple as parking my car in the driveway coming from grocery shopping and kids and stroller to take down , but No! he had a client or a friend over and allowed them to park in my space and I had to meanwhile park in the guest packing. So yes the little unrespectful things make you live your life as other want to run it . 😢

[@LoucriciaBrown]

You are saving my mind ❤ I thought I was going crazy and my feelings of embarrassment . I moved my life to be with this Woman. Then my life became Toxic, I had no friends, my Son was miserable and arguing all the time. About how I changed. It was awful. Now, I am trying to get my sense of self back. In addition, I am a therapist? Now I understand I WAS THE SUPPLY😢🙏🏾

[@clydare]

Sadly I knew after the first date. After about half an hour of polite talk, he told me he had been raped by a family member. He invited me to lunch at the weekend then disappeared for a week. When I went to his place he told me he was called away on work . Then he said he was a weapons expert with dangerous associations. Fool me, I fell for it all. I actually believed him. Fifteen years later I am free, out of the fog and finally getting my life back. Thank with with all my heart dr Ramani for your wonderful insightful book ❤

[@sianllewellyn5607]

Such true and great advice to follow from Dr Romani. 😊❤❤ This fabulous lady has helped me and so many thousands of people who have gone through this horrendous experience, which is so hard to explain to our friends and family, realise its not me thank you Dr Romani from the bottom of my heart ❤❤ you are truly a godsend to all of us who has lived this awful experience xxx

[@radicalscience1965]

That’s the thing… That lack of empathy, the inability to care, no desire to care about other people leads me to believe that the narcissist cannot love another person in any definition that seems reasonable of what love is. I think they are devoid of the capacity or the willingness to love. Just transact that’s it.

[@tnt01]

100% and they never change, only get worse with age.

[@kathryncothern3433]

I am SOOOOOOO glad that I walked away from that situation. My gut intuition notified me the very first time he did something and that never left. Yes, it did take a while to figure out what was happening and it was on the Universe's timeline since I had to really figure it out. I am now writing my new chapters in Life with so much excitement! I am thankful that my headstrong heart, soul, mind, and body with the keen gut instincts, were never brought down or destroyed. I learned a whole hell of a lot about narcissistic behavior from this person, and from Dr. Ramani during her many different podcasts, and have all that in my toolbox going forward. I also learned even more about myself and solidified more what I want with an emotionally stable/grounded gentleman in the future. Being true to me!! ♥

[@maevebutler4641]

What a super interview between two beautiful women Have my book Every survivor from narcissistic abuse should have this book It's simply brilliant ❤

[@cherrybacon3319]

I just had to tell you. I got the book it's not you just now and am so happy! It was the last one, and as I'm typing this message to you, I'm stood reading it in the Bustation waiting for my Bus. Thank you!! 🍒

[@annsdigitalmarketing]

I am receiving mine in this coming week and I can't wait!

[@lynnzeck7812]

Dr. Ramani has written a profound book , it will be life changing for many people who have been impacted by these relationships . It’s complicated and she is bringing it out into the light .

[@brendarewan7441]

It’s not that people CAN’T change it’s because they just don’t choose to change.

[@dianejefferies]

Dr Ramani has saved my life!! That is literally! Thank you!❤

[@SusKa22]

The absence of people that are supporting you after the breakup. It’s so harsh. Instead of supporting they are listening to the gossip about the victim . 😢Healing takes time and there is not always a good support because of the misunderstanding of the impact on the impact of the narcissistic abuse 😢

[@insiteandawareness3500]

Try not to pay attention to the toxic people. I used to work in a toxic environment and I got out of there. Cut off the toxic people from there. Went through a breakup with an ex coworker there. Sucks majorly at first but it's getting better for me now. Takes time to heal...self care works.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I think what helped me go no-contact is that I'd already been ignored by my narcissistic family members for decades, I had developed friendships outside of my family. Even at my workplace, also full of narcs, I developed hobbies and met people who were not narcs. So when I left my job after someone failed to help me out in a family emergency (after I'd been covering for people for years with no questions), I didn't suffer from it. I was scared, but I changed my career, and I'm so much happier. Going no contact with my family has been sad, but.... I've also grown to understand I have many friends who are SO DIFFERENT from my family of origin. They are my chosen family. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb."

[@1604Samira]

So True living their life..about food..vacation..i left my Job...move to his country..Great video..i am in proces od healing..Thank you ❤

[@mzeklektik1089]

Dr Ramani is my only voice of rationale that keeps me going.....

[@mgenihamed5710]

Wow.beautiful and heartwarming introduction and best message for us warriors,Thank you

[@DeeDee-pl8se]

I admire you Dr. Ramani. Its been 6 years I have been listening to your videos. You have helped me so much ❤ and made me understand these dynamics. Cant wait to start reading your new book "It's Not You" Congratulations Dr.Ramani

[@kathyrichards1506]

Thanks so much for your videos. I realise now its common to take about 1 to 2 years to wake up to a narc or the cheating in a long term relationship as we are blinded and put red flags on a shelf waiting to find out more or our brain goes into flight mode. I no longer feel like an idiot for missing the signs. ❤

[@nisc1091]

Months???? Took me 15 years to figure what this is. Knowledge is power

[@victoriadisalvo5308]

Grief of the loss of oneself.

[@yasemink5268]

No euphoric recall here. All I have is overhaul and that is a challenge, too. I am so exhausted.

[@user-mf7ll4nm4n]

So true. Just leave them to live in their wonder world.They are very unlikely to change ( and no it's not just men believe me). Don't waste your daylight on these people. They will waste your time and they enjoy it.

[@tamarazwinak1447]

This is one of the best interviews with Dr. Ramani I've watched. Kudos

[@nisc1091]

So touching that Robin herself is going thru this, it is somehow comforting that this is not only happening to me😢

[@lesabrydson2526]

I am a Christian, so back in the day, I knew little from the Bible. Going to therapy, my body falling apart, crying, only to hear narcissist Melford Morris would say, I thought she would be like Ruth and Naomi, I wanted to kick him and the Pastor, he was a liar and a thief, after making several changes and adjustments, it was never ending. I am still healing Prayers Psalm 23 -73🙏🇯🇲🫅❤️

[@johnjosiah8839]

Boy I deeply appreciate hearing my truth 👍💯

[@marialucas1810]

I felt the love in this podcast and am ready to embark on my Heroes Journey. Thank you both for sharing this with us 💗

[@aries4901]

No. For me NOT thinking of the good focusing on the BAD of the narcissist helps me be strong and stay away.

[@AlexLouiseWest]

This is a wonderful video. Thank you.

[@johnjosiah8839]

Yes the solution to healing & to become better ‼️

[@DelSunflower33]

I would like @dr. Ramni to cover why I have launched many businesses but I completely dissociate and don’t keep any consistency and then a whole year passes and I remm again that I have theee gifts for the world but same thing happens again… there’s something in me that I’m not quite zooming in on.

[@shannondavis127]

This is an awesome conversation! Thank you-

[@werweissdasschon9776]

❤❤❤ Thank you both for this talk! 💕💕💕

[@johnjosiah8839]

The therapeutic value 👍”NA” never alone 🙏🏻👣❤️☮️💡

[@barbhammondroy1345]

I love your book learning so much more and yes thank you for writing this book. ❤

[@user-sx7nq3mf8g]

Thanking you,

[@birgittrauer7612]

Thank you, Robin, for sharing your feelings, experiences, and thoughts which resonated strongly with me. Dr. Ramani's comments once again brought to the fore the multiplicities associated with having experienced narcissistic abuse. I still have a hard time using terms as a way to label behaviour, sensitive to the psycho-babble and shaming culture we live in. However, as a behavioral scientist, I am learning to draw on terminology based on research and insight more, appreciating this to be important for us to honor our painful experiences with compassion and as an important component for us to move forward. There were so many takeaways from this today, including the point that this healing process is not a step-by-step cookie-cutter approach, that it is not linear, and terms like the 'hero journey', 'inner sanctum' 'reframing', finding your home, and 'healing is a superpower'. Thank you again to both you, Robin, and Dr. Ramani.

[@harrietbaker4484]

Any tools for coping with an adult narcissistic adult son who blames me for everything and constantly blame shifts. I can't take it any more and am distancing more than I have before. Broken hearted.

[@yolondagoode9656]

Radical acceptance

[@yolondagoode9656]

That is so good

[@geena-g-777]

Not a quick fix but a healing fix from here on

[@user-jy2kt4bf7g]

I feel you. I don’t think I was loved too

[@karenconstantine334]

Dr Ramani do you believe that online therapy would be a good avenue of healing from one’s involvement with a narc or any toxic relationship? Or what do you feel about walking into the organization called ACA? Not suicidal … I’ve actually got out of the last toxic relationship I was in almost 2 years ago. But that was only one of a lifetime of toxic relationships … my many attempts of seeking help is sadly dealing with therapist who are clueless.

[@omartrachen6794]

Please, what is the process that a narc goes from beeing gentle ro "heartless"?

[@chaitrakeshav]

❤

How long have narcissists personalities existed? How many other hidden personalities exist?

[@katarzynaklocek8881]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@lisbethchristensen1981]

🏆❤️

[@leilap2495]

Having no input on vacations, is misleading in how it seems so unimportant. It comes down to how they feel about me having no valuable input or to even have reason to discuss what we want together. There was no together.

[@user-mf7ll4nm4n]

I think that it's important to have gratitude however please do not be someone who will be used ( no matter how nice they appear to be). Don't listen to people who chant on and on about how wonderful the organisation is and be yourself just do not accept the bindsididing , gaslighting etc . Call it out folks.

[@evatempleton5994]

How do i deal with a narcissist sister in-law?

[@vijays8395]

I will be wiser 9th March 2024

[@edithescobales4632]

You’re ashamed of people knowing what you’re going through

[@brendarewan7441]

Right. And when they do know, they don’t care, or are glad to hear your marriage is not as happy as you pretended to be. Lots of “friends” get dropped during this stage.

[@yolondagoode9656]

I had to leave

[@dianeetchells9963]

Have you heard about ......poking the bear

[@everett8610]

And it so sucks that the person was is goodlooking and I thought I did pretty good I felt good about that she was so pretty. That was gratifying that someone attractive would think I was attractive. But it was a narc so sad and I like her body and her hair is so curly and lovely and her eyes are very pretty. I'm not shallow but she was like an angel. Who turned out to be an angel of death. Now I got to put her on news weather and sports no personal or she will take me under water again and try to drown me period end of story. Hard pill to swallow but I will dang sure swallow it I'm not into suicide.

[@daphnygregory9030]

Thank you both for being the voice that brings survivors clarity and keeps all of us in the path to recovery ❤️‍🩹

[@annsdigitalmarketing]

I loved this. Thank you so much! Much love

[@clydare]

Sadly I knew after the first date. After about half an hour of polite talk, he told me he had been raped by a family member. He invited me to lunch at the weekend then disappeared for a week. When I went to his place he told me he was called away on work . Then he said he was a weapons expert with dangerous associations. Fool me, I fell for it all. I actually believed him. Fifteen years later I am free, out of the fog and finally getting my life back. Thank with with all my heart dr Ramani for your wonderful insightful book ❤