Life After Narcissistic Abuse for Scapegoat Survivors: Freedom to be Disappointed

One of the outcomes of recovery can be the freedom to know and express what you do not like - as well as what you like - about how you are treated. This is especially important in relationships with people who matter to you. In today's video I explain how the scapegoat child was forbidden to know what they did not like about their narcissistic parent. Next, I will explain how the therapeutic relationship can help survivors safely access and express all of their experience.
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[@nimrodelbeats]

Whenever I want to feel anything good about myself, I simply can't - because, since I am unrecognised as feelgoodable, I hit the painful wall of an existential nobody-to-no-one-ness. This is the worst possible feeling a human can experience.

[@deathuponusalll]

Thisssss, I’ve experienced this my whole life and found it so hard to describe or put into words or even understand where it all came from until now

[@nikstar1313]

This is exactly how I feel too ❤

[@tanyabell7748]

Well worded thank u❤

[@Hawaiiansky11]

God doesn't make junk. I too felt for far too long that I was a 'factory defect.' But you're not. I wasn't. We weren't. You were and are lovable. You were and are valuable. You were and are worthy of good things, and a happy life. Don't let those bastards take that away from you.

[@marcamp5450]

Thank you Jay. I’m 75. Left relationship 21 years ago. Finally hearing what keeps rearing its ugly head. This is what lay at the heart of my journey. Had no contact with partner back then. Now finally able to do no contact with ALL family of origin. Never too late to get it and fix it! ❤

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I was reminded today that my FOO's lack of (/refusal to) a compassionate response to my telling my stories I remembered of the abuse, is a form of abuse in itself. They responded with clinical coldness and a changing of the subject. One particular incident, not only was nothing bad said about the perpetrator, but I was blamed, as a young 13 year old girl. Rebecca C. Mandeville calls that "traumatic invalidation." Let them go. I consider myself part of the greater family of Scapegoated survivors. We can have virtual thanksgiving together.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Brilliant. Absolutely spot on. The story of Stan completely resonated with me. Describes how I felt compelled to idealize a rageaholic father and a perpetual victim mother in order to survive and emotionally parent myself. Your videos are always so helpful. Thank you very much indeed.

[@Hippowdon121]

This is one of the most important topics for scapegoat survivors. When you aren't allowed to be disappointed or dislike someone, parts of them, or what they are doing or how they act, then you necessarily have to twist yourself into all sorts of shapes. I would say I always felt worst when I was in relationship to people who were chronically disappointing me. I didn't consider being able to leave or to criticise those people openly. It's a very suffocating thing to go through. When you can't freely experience this disappointment and dislike - or even disgust - then it spills into all other areas of your life and you can't freely enjoy yourself or move away from other negative things either. It's very pathetic and sick that a parent would put their child through this, just to assuage their own vulnerability to feeling worthless.

[@bchristian85]

I'm 40 and am still dealing with this. I'm currently at the lowest point of my life, but I cannot express it. I have to fake happiness for the comfort of my narcissistic family. If I dare to even imply that things aren't great, it's a personal problem I need to fix.

[@LiveAndLetLive2024]

​@bchristian85 I'm sorry you're feeling that way about your life, and also having to hide it. I hope that some balanced, good people will enter your life so that you can express your true feelings without ridicule. Hoping 2025 is kinder to you. 💛

[@LiveAndLetLive2024]

​@@bchristian85 (Apparently this brilliant platform thought my comment should be hidden. So if you aren't aware, you can click "Newest" at the top of the comments section, and that will display all comments. ☺️)

[@n888-y4z]

​@bchristian85 yes! If you are struggling in any way with this self proclaimed perfect person, You become a problem to be fixed instead of a person to be cared for...dissapointment, resentment becomes a character flaw in you...ugh. this is so confusing to untangle.

[@Strawssie1]

@@Hippowdon121 you’ve described it perfectly. At first you were forced to endure pain and stuff, then it becomes a lifestyle..

[@murphy1203]

Jay I love your stuff and have read your book. You are such a kind man I am so sorry this happened to you as well. I had never understood why The emperoros new clothes always resonated with me in regards to the way that I was treated. Thank you so much for explaining it!!

[@bellaluce7088]

Spot on as usual, Jay. 🤓 Thank you! 💖

[@n888-y4z]

Wow. This really resonates. How to start choosing to lean into, aka invest, in relationships where others take equal responsibility for the relationship?....what would this even look like? Thanks again, Jay. Permission to have my separate experience of the other, not the one dictated. Wow!!!

[@LiveAndLetLive2024]

All of this is brilliantly stated. The inner turmoil you describe would be bad enough on its own, but I'm thoroughly convinced it can also lead to physical illness and suffering, if it goes unaddressed - or worse, if the person encounters more of the same type of treatment when they try to trust new people. So thank you for your dedicated and conscientious delivery of such important information. ☀️💛

[@bethmoore7722]

You are so right about the impact of narcissistic abuse on physical health. The book, The Body Keeps the Score, is about the way trauma, especially in childhood, can cause physical illnesses. I had my first asthma attack, after my father started beating me, when I was 2 years old. Such trauma can affect longevity, as well. I have an ACE score of 6, and I think I can beat it. I’m 71, and I want to at least see my 6-yr-old grandson graduate from high school, at least. Besides The Body Keeos the Score, another book, Thou Shalt Not Be Aware, byAlice Miller. She also wrote The Drama of the Gifted Child. The former book was the way I figured out what and who I am to my family. My physical frailty was their favorite thing to hate about me. I think they halfway thought I had asthma attacks on purpose. No, I did not enjoy feeling like I was going to die. They could look in the mirror and see why this happened.

[@sunnyadams5842]

I think this is why I'm a little stuck and a little stumped as to how to break out of my healing solitude and, 5 years in, start to meet new people, make new friends. I just don't trust that I'm not going to...oh, you know... all that stuff! How?? Where?

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Learning to be with all my feelings and thoughts, and in my own reality, has gotten more comfortable. As it has, I feel more expansive. It feels amazing, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud on a cold day.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I'm thankful for our mild autumn thus far. It has afforded me many opportunities to walk in the wooded area near my home and 'talk to the trees' as it were. I wonder if 'talking to yourself' (my lips moving and being animated) is a trauma-response. It probably comes from nobody wanting to hear what we have to say, or using what we say against us, or invalidating our experiences, or being called liars / crazy, story-tellers and / or many of the myriad ways we were told to sit down, shut up and do as you're told. It's one 'safe' way to actually speak our truth!!

[@Strawssie1]

The scapegoated child was never accepted by his narcissistic parent, at the same time this child is holding on to the fear of being rejected by that parent The thought of disappointing others and being disappointed by the reality has always made me feel anxious, I think its because forcing out the negative emotions & punishing ourselves for experiencing them, though they are a part of our being, severely dysregulates us and pushes as far away from ourselves as possible.

[@mediacreations5996]

Thanks Jay🙏. Another brilliant video 🎞🎬.Have a wonderful week ahead 🌈🌟✨

[@sunnyadams5842]

Re-claim?? Jay! Most of us, who were raised in this environment, have never claimed our real selves in the first place. We've never had that opportunity yet, so you can't RECLAIM something you never YET claimed...❤

[@tigress725]

My therapist advises my true self was sent to the basement of my soul and put into the freezer. I brought it upstairs so it can start to thaw. In this analogy, it’s not room temperature that begins to melt my ice mask its my willingness to look at what I did to survive. Comfort comes from knowing that “ If Jay did this gutwrenching work, I can too”. The victim narrative I have is for a reason and Damn, it’s a consequence that needs to be dismantled as well. We all are tribe of warriors in my opinion. Not for the faint of heart to be sure. 💜

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Dr. Reid, when you say "survive" as the child of the narcissist, you mean both psychologically and also physically. I was just ruminating today that I don't know if my mother actually would have gone that far, but it was enough for her to make me fear that she would take my life. I don't understand all the psychological components of it, but I realize that having a "devil-may-care" sass-mouth attitude about her was a coping mechanism, to hide my fear of her. I was actually terrified of her and rightfully so. But the casual observer would never have guessed it, because I hid it so well. But I did have a neurotic (or not) fear of death in my late teens. It makes me wonder how man times she 'jokingly' said she wanted to k me; after being tortured, terrorized and told it was my fault she cut me with the 13" long (including the handle) butcher knife because I 'got in the way,' fear of being 'done in' was a very real and very logical fear.

[@eyesaidit5195]

The accuracy. 😞😞😞