Life Is Meaningless. I want to die. Ugly. My experience. Twin. Loser. No Relationship. Revisited.

[@pampoovey6722]

I can’t get past the ugly thing. You’re so handsome. It kinda shook me outta my own feelings to process that, so thanks ❤.

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

ah appreciate it. I think it relates more to racism (in the past) and depression, as well as body dysmorphia. But anyone can relate to it I am sure. I'm glad you got something out of this video. Hope you find gratitude.

[@SchizoaffectiveMindset]

I have also wrestled with SI since 9 years old. It is a demonic spirit that can be overcome.

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

its difficult but I hope you found a way to process it and managed your thoughts.

[@PeterTheOstrich]

This is going to be a super random ass question. But I have bipolar as well and was wondering what you guys eat on a daily basis. I have a hard time cooking because you know why and was wondering if there were any "tricks" you picked up over the years to make easy, nutritious meals, even when you're going through a mood episode/are unstable. I only ask because I notice you guys are in pretty good shape. I've been watching vids on your channel for a bit now and have to say you do a good job of offering a personal perspective on the disorder; it's been very helpful, so thank-you. Makes me feel less alone.

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

I figured people may be curious after 5 years of my fitness journey have I stayed committed to it? And truth is yes. Some reason I posted this previous entry here 3 years ago and a guy ended up liking the post so I figured why not show an update? On March 2019, I was approximately 176 lbs and now I am around 136 ish lbs, so I have maintained a total weight loss around 40 lbs or so. At my lowest I was 119.8, so max weight loss is 56 lbs. Anyways, I just want to say that I have had a pretty complicated history of mental illness. I have been diagnosed with a history of anxiety, psychosis, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar II and now bipolar 1. It is noted I have a history of 8 hospitalization one as of recently Christmas 2021 for SI. I have tried over 30 different medications. I have had numerous therapists, psychiatrists, was on a cadi waiver for ILS works, ARHMS workers, 2 partial hospitalzations and IRTS for 90 days. The only reason why I am mentioning it is because for those struggling with complications, or a debilitating form of mental illness can still manage to get some results depending on your desire, discipline and diet. Here are some tips that you may want to consider during your weight loss and or fitness journey that I have done to help me out. 1. The medications you are on can really affect your results. Sad but true. And I am sure many understand the weight gain associated with mood stabilizers like lithium or depakote and or antipsychotics like seroquel. There are others like some antidepressants. I have tried 8 different antipsychotics and both mood stabilizers. Anyways, for those that have already done a cost and benefit analysis may want to consider other alterior medications that are more weight neutral. A mood stabilizer called lamictal is a pretty weight neutral drug, but some people experience the lamictal rash which is deadly. Other antipsychotics like latuda or vraylar (both require food) and the newest approved antipsychotic, caplyta are all more weight neutral. FYI if you consult with a psychtrist, understand that any medication change can come with some risks, or very life threatening risks. So be wary that it is more important to be on a medication that may cause weight gain but you are more stable, vs. one that helps with weight loss and really struggling with your mental health. Like I said a pros and cons is really important so you can make the best judgement. The worst catalyst for weight gain for me was seroquel. I was on latuda for 8 years and it just wasn't working anymore so I temporarily put my self on seroquel, but it had really bad results in terms of weight gain so I totally switched to caplyta. Sure many people have heard of the seroquel weight gain. Here is what I am on and I have maintained my weight loss: 1. Lybalvi (antipsychotic) - 5 mg 10 mg ( low recommended dose) 2. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) - 200 mgs twice daily (pretty high dose) 3. Metaprolol (hypertension) 24 mgs twice daily 4. Fish Oil - 1000 MG 5. Multivitamin. Note: For people with bipolar disorder, I feel like it is okay to be on an antidepressant, and for those with ADHD, taking a stimulant, but likely scenario to reduce mania and help sleep to also be on a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic. For me Lybalvi has saved me many times from going to the hospital by reducing SI. 2. Diet is very very important regarding weight loss. I won't lie this is really tough when some medications as explained above increase appetite, some for the worst. But by being mindful of what you eat can really help with weight loss. For an example. I know for a fact I would always eat processed carbs especially noodles, and breads like spaghetti, macaroni, tuna hot dish, sandwiches, and a lot of rice. So if you want weight loss avoid or portion control your carb intake. I am very dedicated to my fitness journey so just letting you know I only eat 1 meal a day at night (ideally this is not good for some or most people because intermittent fasting or many small meals is more conducive for weight loss.) However, I admit I snack the hell out of carbs like pretzels, or popcorn, or cheez its or goldfish, whatever I can get my hands on. But you are what you eat pretty much, even if you are hungry or emotionally eating, its still calories, so whatever you put it is kind of what you get out. There really is no other option. I mean yes, metabolism slows down with some of these medications but, controlling portions is still beneficial for weight loss. People may be considering diet vs exercise, and overall I believe diet contributes to 70% of weight loss over 30% of exercise. So here are some examples that you may try. I know there is the atkins diet or carnivore and others but I am only doing what works for me. You got to make the decision what works for you. Anyyways this is what I try to do every week and that is have 1. Protein (Meat), and those that are vegan I respect that but sadly, peanuts or plant based proteins have no meat, but have much more calories and can make weight loss a little harder. But I thought I just mention it. 2. Vegetables. 3. Portioned carb like a potato or cup of rice and no more. Examples: 1. Protein - Hamburger, Meatloaf, Pork, Chicken, Steak, Tuna, Shrimp, Fish, Ham, ect. I try to focus on more protein than carbs. I know people say processed food is bad but for me when you are too busy and to lazy maybe, that eating deli meat is easier so I do that anyways. 2. Mixed veggies, corn, green beans, ect. Canned is cheaper but dont taste as good and may have less nutrition, but I eat canned sometimes anyways. 3. Fruit, so generally fruit is okay but too much is not good. Did you know bananas are full of sugar? So if you have a sweet tooth in moderation fruit is okay. 4. Liquids. Alcohol - empty calories. Pop - too much sugar. Alternatives is water or diet pop. For me I never have never really liked water, so I often use the powdery drinks that don't contain sugar. I won't lie, I also drink a ton of diet pop. Some researcher says that it can cause cancer, or may cause you to gain weight because you want to drink more, ect. But like I said I don't perfect my diet, I do what works for me and helps me manage my gains. I feel diet pop just helps with sweet tooth cravings. 5. Sweets not good to much sugar, avoid if necessary, includes chocolate and other name brand candy. 3. Exercise such as cardio or weightlifting. So there is some things to know about me. I workout 1 hr to 1 hr and 30 minutes 5 days a week, plus 25 to 1 hr on the stair machine. On the stairs, I try to get 500 to 1000 calories burned a day 5 days a week. This also includes trying to get from 10,000 to 15,000 sometimes rarely up to 18,000 steps a day 5 days a week. That is about 1.5 to 2.5 hours of steps. A watch can be very helpful to track steps or just having your phone in your pocket running samsung health. I am sure apple has its own accelerameter. So depending upon the machine or intensity of workout, that will largely affect your caloric burning. A bicycle machine has the lowest intensity, although much easier for the joints, not the best in burning calories. Many people think that treadmill is needed for most weight loss, but it really depends on speed and incline. When I was severely overweight I tried to avoid being on it to much and when I did (which was 2 hrs or so) overtime I wore down my knees so much that it made walking in general very painful. So treadmills are very hard on the joints especially when overweight. You may find more balance going your own pace using an elliptical machine. And of course for me, I always use the stairs because you can burn the most calories in a shorter duration due to its high intensity. If you hate working out in general due to it being so boring, and rather sit around and watch netflix, well try to get yourself moving or pacing in the house if need to be or outside and binge your favorite tv shows. Be wary I should note the safest is in a gym because walking without looking can be dangerous, but anyways thought I mention that anyways. When I am doing cardio I often put on anime or netflix so I still do it very often. And then this leads to bodybuilding. Going on and on on cardio is very boring, however is the most effective way to lose weight. If you are severely overweight I recommend, cardio over weightlifting. The only reason why I recommend weightlifting is because you lose muscle mass as your do more cardio, so if you want to maintain muscle mass you need to bodybuild. For those that are absent when it comes to working out at home. A gym is a great way to lose weight. For me I go to Planet Fitness and the membership is only $10 dollars a month. It is very affordable and has various machines and dumbells. You really can't beat that. {EDIT - BTW, some insurances cover gym memberships so reach out to your insurance and contact your local gym facility}. Plus if you are not sure about instructors, Beachbody has various trainers such as Shaun T, Joel Freeman, Amolia Cesar, Sagi Kalev, and Tony Horton that streams their programs on an app you can download. It is noted that their is a membership and it is $99 a year, which is pretty affordable if you have no desire to do your own workouts. I have noticed that my weights collect dust at home because it is a much smaller environment and I find having more space at a gym is better. Also accountability is important so I often have a workout partner. He is my twin brother, and we go to the gym together. It is very beneficial to keep yourself motivated. Okay, I think that wraps things up.

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

I have been on my fitness journey for 5 years now. And I am likely going to continue it. Note: You do not have to workout so hard, or have to diet so well, or even be on the same medications as me, you got to find what works. Desire is pretty much keep to getting the ball rolling. So many people have new years resolutions to lose weight but don't want to do it. I was a really low point in my life and was extremely frustrated with my weight gain. It helped to know being on a healthier diet, and more weight neutral meds and exercise can help fuel better results. My desire was so exponetial that I just didnt want to live anymore so it really forced me to make that assertion to want to lose weight. It doesn't have to be this extreme but depending on the leverage of your desire, discipline and diet, the 3 ds to weight loss I call it, can help with your transformation. Note in regards to med change, lamictal has a slow titration, so for those that want to get on it, you will have to slowly go up as you slowly go down on another weight gaining drug. Honestly I was in the hospital for the first time I tried to get off lithium, but once I increased the lamictal at a higher dose I avoided the hospital a second time. Overally, do what you can manage and makes living more stable. Set small daily goals, and over time that can make it one large goal. A small decision, can have a lifetime of results, it just depends on the choice you make each and everyday. The japanese term Kaizen, which I also sometimes read self help books, is about making a small change over a period of time. So try to follow this philosphy. Anyways, long read, but I hope that it has been an insightful one. For me fitness is a lifestyle. At first it wasn't fun at all but overtime habit is more important that happiness. So you may not want to go to the gym one day, sometimes I don't want to work out either, but I show up everyday, and overtime you can reach your goal. Making small good choices can lead to life breaking habits, so try to make good ones. Good luck on your transformation, Travis

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

I will do a video later and i will link it below once it is up.

[@Zheng1997]

May I ask what your experience has been like with mental health coming from an asian background? Have you ever confided in your parents about your mental health?

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

It sucked for a long time. I never ever told my parents until I was really in my late 20's, especially my adopted parents, I kind hinted to it to my birth family in 2009 when I wrote a letter to find them. In middle school I was forced to join a minority group, about mental health but I didn't want to talk to counselors about it cause I was embarrassed and not only that, felt they would not understand. So in terms of it I was late to tell them which I regret. Anyways, here is my biography. I am adopted so I had my issues with trauma ever since I was a kid. I grew up in a very white area in Minnesota and i was extremely shy, I am sure people noticed especially my teachers. I was adopted with my twin brother at 6 months and we have lived in minnesota ever since. We didn't really experience true racism since 8th grade. People made fun of me and called me names like "kermit and brass monkey" cause I had really bad acne and my mouth sticks out more than other normal people. I still am conscious about it to this day. I had really poor mental health in late middle school and high school. Severe anxiety and severe depression. I didn't develop bipolar disorder until I was 21. Even in college, I hated it cause I didn't want to interact with people my first few years. I had my first interaction with a hmong person in my senior year and I thought it was pretty cool at first, I gave the guy a drawing of a korean singer group but I can't remember then name. I was a really good drawer at the time. And when i was in my 3rd year, I went into animation and I met my first group of asian folks known as hmong. There is a huge hmong population here. And we had a few friends for awhile with them. I even dated a few hmong people through out the years. I didn't get into the korean community really until 2019 when I was with a study group to learn korean from a owner at a local korean resturant and that really helped with mental health for awhile. Then kyle and I turned to helping others with mental health, we run a channel called koreanadopteestories, www.kadstories.com, or kzbin.info that talk about adoptees and their trauma, many have cried and find it cathartic since many have mental health problems, addictions, and suicidal issues relating to trauma. We ended up reunited with our birthfamily in 2018. I will likely post a video here about this, later and I will link it below.

[@Zheng1997]

@@BeyondBipolarBlog Thank you for your honesty! I think it is really important to be open and honest when you are struggling. Unfortunately amongst the older generation, I feel like people just tough it out when they struggle. Best wishes to you and looking forward to your future videos :)

[@shanhui-t9j]

just curious,u kept trying, and changing and switching psychiatric med (polydrugging)? don't u have side effects? aren't u afraid of the chemical brain injuries since so many are coming forward on social media to share their adverse reaction and long-term damage (insomnia, memory impairment, pssd, akathisia, tinnitus of it etc etc) You seem to be invincible, no offence. I am truly curious. no fear? Some are bedridden and "disabled" and on disability for years just by one AP or AD...many such real stories on facebook and surviving antidepressants. But, you are trying these meds like candies, combing through the whole catalogue of psychiatric drugs, i know you need it for your condition, but no offence, seems excessive. All I can say,you have a strong brain.

[@BeyondBipolarBlog]

to be honest, for MOST of the meds that I try I am not on them long enough to experience the side effects long term, and when it comes to the more debilitating ones, like catonia or tardative dyskensia I never experienced long term, Akathesia happened short termed on certain drugs, I did experience TD on latuda at the end due to the highest dose I was on but it went away once I switched meds. For the most part I was on latuda for 8 years, and the rest very very limited amount of time. Plus weight gain happened less frequent due to the later antipsychotics I am on. Right now I am on lybalvi for a good 9 months and most likely many hears to come. Also if I am not on an antipsychotic I am literally up 24/7 and moods are everywhere, I have no motivation. I am currently working right now, without being on lybalvi I am afraid I won't be able to hold my part time job. Sleep is really important to me I try to get anywhere from 10 to 12 hours and that was what helped me sane for the most part. I am also on lamictal which I never experienced the steven johnson rash or any rash, and no weight gain. I've been on these drugs long term and overall feel pretty decent on them with little side effects. Things likely would be much worse without them. Everyone is different and I am sure if it wasn't for such a debilitating for of bipolar I would not be on any drugs at all cause for a good 5 years I was really against medication but I just couldn't tolerate it anymore cause I was desperate to be in a relationship and work.