lonely introvert? how to make friends as an adult (neurodivergent edition)

[@lesliemoiseauthor]

Playgrounds at work is a great idea. I recently read a wonderful piece about a woman collecting pretty rocks in nature, and another woman she didn't know saw and joined her. They played with pretty rocks like children, and both said how restorative it was.

[@dee7519]

Ooh where'd you read this?

[@lesliemoiseauthor]

@@dee7519 I wish I could remember. I'd not only share, I would read it again.

[@trixjoyce]

Sounds wonderful! So much we can learn from children!

[@forgesoulfire1320]

I could rant on the awesomeness of rocks and stuff for pages, suffices to say I'm glad to read such a simple thing brought them relief and peace under the strains of work life.

[@fullmetaltheorist]

We're all kids at heart.

[@littleblueplanet222]

Agree with all of this! Making friends in a city is challenging. Taking classes, performing at open mic nights, choir rehearsals, concerts, and art exhibitions have been nice. I tend to rely on my partner a lot, or just one friend. I’m trying to unlearn this pattern, but I do crave a deep “bestie” relationship I haven’t had since I was like 16. I wish I could find people who were down for the intense friendships, even if it’s just connecting a few times a week.

[@JemRochelle]

I totally feel this! I really crave a "best friend" and I still haven't figured out the best way to deal with it.

[@puffinuspuffinus9641]

Totally getting this desire for deeper friendships. I used to have that a lot and thought it was due to moving every year in the last few years, but now that I've settled in a specific area I'm noticing I still strive for this but in a different way. I feel like I have friends to connect on any level with each one of them and feel like it is better than relying on intense and complete relationship (that can end like every other). I am more prone to accept others for what they can give me than expect them to be my bestest friend ever. I think that came from an insecurity on my behalf that no one would never love me as a whole. The truth is they do, just not 24/7 😂 friendship can come in a any form or intensity as long as it is caring, honest and joyful 💛

[@ugiswrong]

If you’re open to sleeping with someone you’ll probably find that intensity

[@keiththorpe9571]

I actually learned a good way to make friends in my area was to join volunteer groups. Roadside cleanups, food pantries, the library (my personal favorite, being a writer and having my debut novel on the shelf, that's always a great conversation starter). I've met a lot of cool people through volunteering. It's also helped to make me far less cynical, a little more genuine, even (dare I say) earnest. It's certainly made me less of a jerk.

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

I'd rather have no friends at all than work for free!

[@mudpawkendra]

I have a friend whom I met in the strangest way 15 years ago, never talked to, then connected via Facebook a year or so ago. We get see each other in person a few times a year, and don’t text or message much in between. It’s one of the most rewarding friendships I’ve built as an adult. It’s low-maintenance but not shallow and that’s a rare find!

[@NE0Nwhip]

Right! We're already getting paid dirt cheap to be overworked@@MatthewTheWanderer

[@Mikinaak2023]

@@MatthewTheWanderer you reap what you sow

[@Bababoey3333]

Volunteering is way better than hobby groups for sure as a way for introverts to talk to people regularly outside work. Something about the fact everyone is there to focus on a simple job for a good goal seems to filter out the jerks or ego centerics.

[@GrailSidhe]

This year I had "reading more" for a resolution, and what came along with it, which I didn't expect, was the perk of sitting out in public places without feeling bored and isolated, happily reading my book. As someone who's rather isolated and well, different in ways, this has changed my life. Thanks for the video!

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Hi😊

[@sheepyisthecutest]

@@ArdShrivastav-we2zrhi lol

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

@@sheepyisthecutest where are you from

[@sheepyisthecutest]

@@ArdShrivastav-we2zr China :)

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Ok

[@_Bobskee_]

We have an introverts network where I work. We never meet and rarely chat on our chosen media platform, except to occasionally share coping mechanisms or commiserations for working in an extroverted workplace. Best network I’ve ever been in.

[@Rex1987]

this is just intended to deal with being a introvert with some humor: i was once the one that organized a party. it was the best thing ever: there was a sign put up at the front door for all the guests: "come only one at a time!"

[@MrWaterbugdesign]

I'm a hermit and when I decided to try it I did some research. Got into a Reddit hermit group. Interesting group but none of them were hermits. They just didn't like people or some issue like that. Finally figured out, duh, there are no hermits on social media. Closest I got to learning about hermits was the book "The Stranger in The Woods" about Christopher Knight. Guy wasn't mad or upset, just seemed to like being on his own. Good read about how he was able to be happy in Maine winters for 27 years. He would have probably been happy for the rest of his life if he hadn't been caught stealing supplies.

[@nikiedewael3766]

Thank you for this video!!! I will keep all of this in mind. My problem is that no body sticks… I meet people at work, in classes, at the horsepension, … and for the time it lasts it seems as if I build real frienships. We talk and laugh and people say I am a great listener and they trust me because they tell me intimate stories, secrets and insecurities. ( things their ‘best friends’ don’t even know…) But as soon as the class stops, the co-worker quits, sell the horse, you name it, they disappear out of my life. I am 43 and at this point I found myself out of friends again and it really got to me.

[@RaeInTime]

Yes, I am right there with you!! We live near a military base, so any friends I make move away in 2 years or less. It's exhausting having to start over trying to make new friends so often. 😅🤗🌻⭐🌸🌞

[@uchi3v]

i'm younger but same happens to me! 😭first middle school then highschool now uni, im sure ill lose contact with everyone...

[@CatholicMomof5]

@nikiedewael3766 Gosh, this sounds so familiar. I feel so disposable because people just disappear. Even if they have been coming over for coffee and to chat, so we obviously have some sort of friendship being built, and then they just stop talking to me or move away and don't contact me when they visit town or whatever. They just disappear. I'm really tired of investing in friendships just to be dumped over and over again.

[@kierlak]

Challenging ourselves: yes ! We have to. And what we really have to challenge is: the self-limiting beliefs about ourselves. The stories we've been telling ourselves because of what happened in the past (in particular in childhood but also in adulthood due to culture/society). As a sensitive introvert myself (INFJ/HSP) please remember: - you're not too introverted - you're not too sensitive - you're not boring - you CAN make friends as an adult - you CAN go out of your comfort zone - you CAN find true/meaningful connections Identify your self-limiting beliefs that have been holding you back. Keep challenging them. Keep trying different things without any expectations. Even after joing several meetings, groups, etc. you may not gain friends straight away. But there's something else you will gain: self-confidence 💪 Stay true to yourself and put yourself out there every now and again.

[@saucelys]

[@Ron_DeForest]

Being a very beautiful, highly intelligent, well educated, well spoken individual it’s nice to see you have the same issues those of us who don’t have those same qualities. Life is far too long to spend alone and far too short when deeply in love. So far, it’s been far too long.

[@pessoasombra]

This was helpful, especially the tip regarding seeking environments you feel comfortable in. So many people just advise to go out to do things you enjoy and talk to people at those places but never consider the level of comfort needed to be bold in an environment you might still feel alienated in because e.g. everyone already knows each other.

[@WitchofCrowSummit]

Wow! That last bit was SO good: no expectations of friendship, but curiosity of the world around you. This was really great. So many valuable ideas here for myself and others in my circle who could use some more friends.

[@lesliemoiseauthor]

As someone who belongs to three writing groups, I support the concept of writing groups as a social activity. "Becoming a regular.". YES! What a lovely video, Cinzia.

[@Lord-FATALES]

You are a light to all others. I know what it's like to be sick, to lie in bed but have to get up to go make tea because no one else can do it for me.

[@ardethellis8930]

Love the first tip. Ages ago right after I'd ended a long term relationship, a younger coworker tried to get me to go out with her to a new trendy bar. Country music line dancing had just become a huge thing. I tried to politely decline several times but she persisted. Finally, I laid it out for her, "Why would I go there to look for a guy? I dont smoke, I hardly ever drink, and I hate country music." She finally got it and left me in peace. The pandemic was actually a blessing for me. I now have two really great friends that I met online. I'm so gratefull that we have language like "neurodivergent" to talk about the different ways people interact with life. Always love your videos.❤

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

No one ever invites me to do anything with them for any reason (not even coworkers), but sometimes I wish they would just so I could respond to them the way you did!

[@qtfy]

my problem is that i make ONE friend and then my whole world is that person that happened four times in my life, one for each "stage" in my life, because i had to move out and lose the other friend. early childhood (2x times) school, and highschool it's useless trying to maintain other relationships, I'll just stick to that person and make that person my personal self esteem gold-mine, and if that person starts acting weird or start to not like me anymore my world starts to crumble I'm in highschool and now I'm moving out again and I'm worried i might not have the same luck i had the other times since I'm as depressed and introverted as ever

[@pessoasombra]

Seek therapy if you can. What you describe might be classic symptoms of a few mental health conditions for which therapy is a great aid.

[@qtfy]

@@pessoasombra which mental conditions you have in mind? i do have bipolar depression tho, i take meds but they aren't quite helping at all in the social aspect

[@qtfy]

@@ArtificialSpacetime I don't know, I'm still deciding if i will go all out and try to meet the maximum amount of people i can or just be a introverted bookworm, the latter seems to be the one I'm choosing, but at least I'll try to keep my friends through online contact

[@lucieaugustana7333]

It sounds like what we call a «favorite person» within BPD, but it is a concept outside of BPD too, often referred to as «limmerence».

[@trajectoryunown]

Same. I gave up on friends. I find that nobody really shares that kind of passion, and I usually just end up being a part of the background, like an unused corner shelf or a painting nobody ever really notices until it's gone. Then when I return it's all "It was weird not having you around". It's a very strange status, to be so consistently present yet so looked over, seemingly unwanted. Like a brand new tool collecting dust in the garage.

[@67comet]

"The dril person drilling their drill drill" .. My new favoritre Cinzia line :) ..Thank you for the encouraging video, great points all over the episode ..

[@rvy26]

Thank you Cinzia for another wonderful video. I've always struggled with making friends and your advice (especially the last 2 minutes) is helping me rethink my approach. It's almost Zen-like: the way to make friends is not to focus on making friends, but to be curious about the world around me.

[@crumblecrafts2963]

You’ve packed so much great advice into ten minutes. I’m going to try and rewatch this a few times over the coming weeks and months to let the ideas sink in. Thank you🧡

[@neleonie]

These are really really great tips, thank you so much :) Especially the one about communicating your social limits, I've never actually considered that, but it makes so much sense. Sending much love to you and everyone who reads this and feels isolated right now. You're not alone and it can get better 💚

[@SanchiaMarshall]

Oh gosh I have felt this exact same way with the texting increasing social anxiety and my limits on friendships. Its lost me friendships in the past where people accuse me of "picking and chosing' when to be a friend because I didnt know how to articulate this limit or even understand it myself. I love that you have shared it, thank you.

[@gingersal8052]

Social dancing (salsa for instance) is the closest thing I've found to adult playgrounds. Though there is a serious element to it, many dance to have fun and leave the common life problems behind. Also, paradoxically there seems to be quite a few introverted people getting into dancing!

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

That actually sounds like a good idea! I'm an extreme introvert, but I took Ballroom Dancing as an elective in college twice back in the early 2000's. I mostly enjoyed it (otherwise I wouldn't have done it a 2nd time), even though approaching the women to ask them to dance was nerve-racking, but it helped that they rarely ever turned me down (mostly because they weren't supposed to). However, there wasn't much, if any, actual socializing going on, since hardly anyone ever talked (it's kind of hard to do that with loud music and/or a professor speaking). So, I'd only do it for the fun, and not because it's a good way to make new friends, because it isn't.

[@e.j.keeley1899]

Thank you so much for this incredibly helpful information! I am a recently widowed person who works remotely, and my wife was my 24/7 best friend and companion, so it is really challenging to find new friends while grieving and not having natural settings to meet new people. Your advice was very astute and I will definitely try some of your suggestions. Thanks again very much indeed!

[@trixjoyce]

Excellent video! It really resonated with me. As an introverted autistic human, I sometimes struggle to make friends, and those I have are almost all in my own little bubble of neurodivergence. Sometimes I wish that I could have more of a variety of friends, but it's just as hard as an adult as it was on the playground.

[@stephaniecassin3696]

I love this video! I have found meeting friends through existing friends so helpful. I think it can help to be vulnerable with your existing friends about wanting to expand you network. I would personally be totally down for introducing a friend to new people.

[@kat5000]

Often mistaken for an extrovert because I start rambling when I am nervous - might have saved me during oral exams at uni, but socially I hate it, because then I ruminate about the silly things I said meeting people. A good way I found was singing in a choir and language classes - you are there for a purpose, socialising time is limited, seating is fixed for at least the practice or lesson, so you usually have one or two people next to you. Language class has the benefit, especially when beginners, that everybody introduces themselves - and the teacher will usually call the names as well. So, one less awkward question I need to ask if I can't remember a name.

[@redlander55]

Great video! One of my problems is that I tend to dissociate the activity aspect and the social aspect of a place. If I go to a church, I go there to worship, it's a spiritual thing, and even if I do make some connections, they tend not to last. And gatherings outside church, either in general or those which interest me, rarely happen. If I change the church, I mostly do not keep in touch with friends or people from the previous church, we don't really call each other and stuff. Of course, this talk is applicable to churches that are at least somewhat social and friendly to newcomers, because some are not very good at this.

[@rockywhisperingasmr721]

As an introvert I seem to have a lot of acquaintances but few close friends. My best friend is probably my wife, who is also an introvert. I feel okay with having a few close friends that I see a few times a year. Your suggestion about finding friends in places you feel comfortable is one that makes sense.

[@BonnieCreoleSpirit]

This was incredibly helpful!! 😊 It is so nice to hear from someone who understands the world of introverts. Thank you for some amazing ideas and the support. Have a great weekend!

[@cowsonzambonis6]

This was such a great video!! Currently, I’m very much involved in spending time with my husband and kids; I don’t have emotional energy for friends. When my kids move out, I think I’ll try your way of making friends- it makes so much sense!

[@pb11118]

This is awesome, thank you! Makes sense why I always make friends dancing *when I am most confident & blissful! But I don't drink etc. I would always try to connect w a hobby and wonder why I couldn't 'meet my tribe'. Such good advice !

[@syradon4051]

Wow, now i feel less loneley with my feelings. Im introvert, too. Im 38 right now and i have big problems to start conversations, making friends and at least, hold the contact over all this years and i felt so wrong over all this years.

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Can we talk

[@Anna-ht6sz]

My dearest Cinzia, I love you for this kind of content :)

[@star.light-306]

I know people talk about not putting pressure on yourself. But, if it is leaving you in a bad mental state, there is some pressure on you to change that, so that's why it can still be disheartening until you are successful. I always enjoy your videos, thanks

[@BookCat18]

❤ I am happy to know you, even in a solitary, internet sense. I hope you are well, safe and prospering.

[@TheBookchemist]

Thank you Cinzia - this is a very well-argumented video! I'm someone who is extremely introverted and happy being alone 90% of the time... which means that loneliness can creep up on me - by the time I realize I'm lonely, I've actually spent quite a long time in isolation. I moved to a new city two years ago, and realized quite how tricky it can be to build new friendships. All good tips here!

[@GirlintheSea]

I also met one of my closest friends on a dating app! And I can really recommend being upfront with your introversion. Back when that friend and I hadn't yet met in real life yet but looking for a date to meet, they suggested a day but I declined and decided to be upfront with them, saying that technically I would be free that day but would rather use that day to spend some time by myself to wind down. They later told me that when they saw my reply they liked me even more since they are also pretty introverted. In that moment I only wanted to be honest but it helped the start of a wonderful friendship!

[@alspezial2747]

I think the dating app tip only applies to females... When i used them, there was only one person who replied in two months

[@SelfHelpShelf]

If it only applied to women, then how did my male friend make way more friends from dating apps than I ever did...?

[@alspezial2747]

@TheClassicalAcademic i don't know him. Maybe he looks like a model, looks wealthy on his photos, or is a smoothtalker... But i doubt dating apps are a good place for normalos with bad social skills

[@Londonererer]

My recommendations: Outdoor type volunteering Book group Film club Art classes Hiking group Be cautious of the first people who are overly friendly and loud, as they are often too good to be true. Slow burn is better than a flash of fire.

[@jekalambert9412]

As an introvert who has moved around quite a bit, I've learned many of the things you covered in your well thought video. The tips you've included definitely work - but sometimes they don't...Sometimes you join groups to be with people that share your interests, you volunteer, you talk to people where you shop (I mean going deeper than "Hi, how's your day?"), you talk to your neighbors and others in your every day life, etc., and nothing seems to stick. Then, after a year or two, you find that there are actually people who ARE interested in being a real friend. It's important to remember that real friendships develop slowly. In the mean time, get a pet. Even though I am content being by myself, too much time alone was not healthy for me. Having a cat gave me focus centered on caring for him, and he gave me the much needed emotional support to get through the transitional phase when I was forced by economic circumstances to make a long distance move to a community where I had no prior connections with anyone. Thank you for your thoughtful video and good luck to everyone going through the challenge of creating authentic friendships that go beyond simply spending time with others.

[@jenlovesjesus]

Hello Cinzia. Thank you for your insights on this topic. I struggle to make friends because others simply don't want to make time. I have made connections with others at church and doing local theater, but it never turns into a real friendship, despite my efforts. I think that social media has made people lazy about making connections and then following through. Like yourself, I am also an introvert, and I don't care much for social media. I'm really not sure as to why there is an epidemic of loneliness, but I don't think it will get better until people value the effort and are willing to make it.

[@AutomaticDuck300]

Because people don’t connect with people anymore. Social media has pumped everybody’s ego and ego is the barrier between you and other people. Plus everybody is lazy as you said.

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Hi😊

[@RobSeib]

I started a local board game community. I only arrange monthly events and its amazing just how many friends have appeared in my life through there.

[@dinez_]

Your content is really helping me - thank you, again.

[@elenaekanathapetrova2282]

maybe being curious about the people around it's key point for me in this topic so thank you I think it's will be interesting to think about and do some self reflection

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Hi😊

[@winterburden]

Thank you so so much Cinzia for sharing this wonderfully valuable information! 🙆‍♀️

[@marialeg2367]

Hello Cinzia! How are you? I actually studied psychology at university (although I currently have a different job) and I can assure you that the points you made were super relevant. On top of everything you mentioned, I would add two more things: the pandemic, which caused an increase in social isolation, and another factor which is the volatile nature of all bonds in this day and age. I have read an interesting book about this topic by a philosopher called Zygmunt Bauman. By the way, this year I will be turning 27 so hopefully I will be making more friends than ever before! Greetings from Argentina. I always enjoy your content!

[@camilar.369]

Hi, what is the name of the book by Bauman? I'm interested thx!!

[@marialeg2367]

@@camilar.369 It's called Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds. It was published more than 20 years ago, but it's still very relevant in my opinion.

[@camilar.369]

@@marialeg2367 Muchas gracias 😊 también soy de Argentina jajaja espero que andes bien

[@Nhask666]

Thanks for the video. Feeling lonely or being alone is two different things. I am an introvert and enjoy being alone. 🙂

[@carmenhunter4380]

Wonderful video and advice. Thank you Cinzia. It's always worthwhile dropping in and listening to you :)

[@nycjanedoe]

Thank you for making this video. I have struggled for years to meet and cultivate my adult chosen family. I relate to how you described 'casual' social environments versus 'formal' settings and I, too, do well in the latter. I also appreciate your suggestions about using apps and meeting people through my interests - current *and* childhood interests. I love playing board games and have recently connected to a childhood dream of riding motorbikes and am delighted. Do you think there are other neurodiverse, queer-allied, mini-moto and scooter-riding folks in my small town? I will certainly find out Thank you again.

[@planningandpowerlifting]

I agree with the suggestion about volunteering. I also like to find spaces that involve my interests.

[@einsam_aber_frei]

I am an introvert and I never feel lonely when I’m alone. I feel lonely when I’m with a large group of people.

[@Dllmartins]

It's a thing. May be that the large group is not a place you feel comfortable 'being'/participating with. May also be that you feel that way because the warmth you guve is never reciprocated. It's okay to try another group. That's the journey. Hopefully meeting new people will become fun and the withdrawal you experience after being worn out socially becomes more shortlived or accepted as part of a necessary and enjoyable routine

[@yensid4294]

I agree, pursuing your special interests is the best way to meet compatible people. Most of the people I met who I became close with (including my husband) I met in an academic or creative environment. I think many introverts & neurodivergent folks have an easier time talking to people if there is a common interest or subject externlly imposed (like in a classroom setting) If you know you thrive in more academic or creative environments living in or near a University town is really helpful (in the US) University towns will have lectures, bookstores, art galleries, local theatre etc that you can get involved in.

[@myradioon]

Learn that small talk is not useless. It's a social/biological construct that leads to deeper connections. It's not a micro-aggression and Neuro-typicals are not 'stupid' for rnaking it.- Which is becoming a standard viewpoint from comments/presenters in many other videos like this. Some of us even know it's deeper abstract purpose.

[@cecilianicoletti2896]

When you start to meet people and you realize its better to be alone 😊

[@rbvp45]

This was actually the best video I have seen on how to make friends as an introvert

[@Cassapphic]

Finding places associated to hobbies or interests that you can go regularly to helps so much, even if I don't speak to a lot of the people at my guilty gear strive local outside of the monthly visits I make to it very often, I've met so many nice people there and it's given me a lot of confidence to know that trying to expand your interests outwards you will find similar people. (Also helps the strive community is like, very very good and accepting of trans people so it's a chance for me to present as myself in public and be respected.)

[@davidd.6448]

Oh it's very easy. You just go to the friend factory and shake manager's hand

[@leftcoaster67]

Finding things to share in what you enjoy, that does bring people together. Once again, you have to do what you are comfortable. Just be yourself.

[@jimbrittain402]

Nicely done. Well said. Some of those things will work for me.

[@Twidleythegnome]

1.identify which settings you’re most comfortable in and make friends in those ….okay I’ll make friends under my heated blanket by my fireplace….. ….hello tiny marshmallow in my hot chocolate, you are my new friend, no, please don’t melt ;_; RIP my friend 2024 - 2024, he was a tasty boi

[@Kestrel2357]

Probable hf asd here. For me beeing curios about various even challengeing things, including socializing helps, as it does bring so much reward that end resault or mistakes or even tiedness (in right amount) does not matter that much. I just learned to be caucios with quick trusting. I'm happy to see that you mentioned it.

[@megandrynan6080]

Thank you for your tips! I am 31, havent had friends since I was in my early teens. I do want to meet people, but I have a major fear of rejection. Also, ive been pretty much alone for such a long time that I am used to it. Having depression too, sometimes it doesnt matter if im alone or not. Yeah, so my situation is complicated. I might have ASD, but I was never diagnosed. Anyways, im thinking of trying the gym, a local social meetup, maybe church. I also dont like bars or clubs. I dont really drink, which some people find 'boring.'

[@linwong1494]

Thank you for making this. My goal this year of 2024 is to make a new real friend irl. Also sidenote, i can’t help but notice that the way you advise us to just be curious without pressure to make a friend reminds me a little of dating advice, where by going into it with the expectation of getting a partner, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment since a good one needs to happen naturally

[@That__Guy]

This was the video I needed. And the timing was perfect.

[@neoxenia7014]

Got diagnosed with ASD at 28, 31 now and all that guilt and fomo that came from not having interest or energy to participate in social activities and make new friends have melted away, mostly. All I’m saying to the younger people, stick with it. It gets better.

[@kiii98771]

Always remember that even as introvert you have an extroverted part too which wants to have fun! This motivates me to go outside and meet people. And getting a dog is super useful: you go out and meet other dog owner. And while your dogs are playing you can talk with the other owner - even if most of the time it's just the same questions about the dogs but hey you'll training how to small talk ;)

[@SelfHelpShelf]

I have two dogs and I can say hand and heart the worst part of being a dog owner is people encroaching on my personal space without invitation to touch my dog or strangers talking to me because I have a dog. I HATE it

[@kiii98771]

@@SelfHelpShelf oh, I'm sorry to hear this. This is so annoying and can be dangerous too 😅 had this kind of experience too when my dog was a puppy. But since my dog is grown up it never happened again, but I mangage to change the side of the road when people are coming too close. Hope things are getting better for you!

[@rjflores438]

​@@SelfHelpShelfUnfortunately if you walk around with a dog people are going to want to talk and connect with you. People want to find common ground. This is a London mentality thing where people solopsistically ignore everyone unless they can benefit them, I grew up on council estates in Sheffield, Manchester and Leeds as a kid and felt far more friendliness from people there than I do in my North London neighbourhood, full of affluent upper and middle class types who feign being left wing but can sniff your social class and status extremely quickly and are incredibly elitist. Imagine living around such closed off faux left wing intellectuals who feign this open mindedness, places like Hampstead are the absolute worst for this. Luckily I have done well for myself as have some other family members who have moved down there. Evem though you may have some social anxiety, always remember that you are in the upper echelons of the class and educational system and know that you will be accepted by those people in a way that I never will, even though I have worked in education myself.

[@SelfHelpShelf]

The amount of projection in your comment is quite astounding. I grew up in Birmingham with a working-class, unemployed mother and no father or child support. I'm currently being evaluated for autism and don't like strangers approaching me or coming into my personal space as such, as well as traumatic experiences with stalking and attempted rape. But go off and tell me how I'm just like unfriendly upper-class Londoners. With all due respect, what an unkind, judgemental response -- those London people are evidently rubbing off on you.

[@DoctorPhilGud]

Aw man the thing about explaining boundaries to people is a huge one. People im around dont really understand boundries. They kinda think boundaries are something you just get over and dont get that theyre part of who you are... its so hard to explain

[@tvsmed]

Happy new year❤️ great video (well, they are all relevant). You seem to be off to a great year.

[@HiddenAdept]

I believe I am introverted in that I enjoy partaking in a piece of art like music more then small talk. I think if you do build genuine friendships at work their pretty solid, more then most from clubs etc. Often at work your forced to show your strengths and weaknesses to other people. So if their still interested you dont need to feel insecure about your weaknesses with them.

[@25447carepear]

I came across your channel regarding this topic of friends but I LOVE your voice. You should consider a second channel where your voice benefits. Idk what kind of channel but your voice is the best. ❤

[@kaylieblack81]

Wonderful advice, thank you for sharing 😊

[@Casiopea_azul]

I appreciate this video sooo much! this is a particular point of struggle and i always feel caged by the thought that things will never change, but this video makes me hopeful that they can. Also thank you for the specific and actionable advice format of it, it's so useful! Sending you a huuuuuuge mental hug from the other side of the world, hope you have the loveliest of weekends.

[@elishevabaram1958]

Thanks!

[@SelfHelpShelf]

Thank you so much!

[@martynchen8457]

Very well said :) You put in a nutshell all those important things l was trying for ages to tell one of my beloved friend, to encurrage, but with no success, l'm affraid. (I'm probably not the best in "giving advices"). Thank you for this video - l hope that, so well explained, it helps many people to understand that being introvert or shy, doesn't mean they are worse or can't make great friendships. But they also hear at last, that friends won't "just appeared one day" on their coach, if they will decide lock themselves compleatly at home. As how any new human can even suppose that they are there, inside - waiting for a frendship??? Give your potential new friends at least a chance! :)

[@ranitafeliz2987]

only 2 mins in and i already love you.. also you are DuBois like Harry DuBois lol

[@GodHelpMe369]

I AM FILLED WITH TERROR AND ENDLESS PANIC how to heal from PTSD flashbacks? the man I revered as my best friend... raped my soul. he betrayed and abandoned me. discarded me like garbage. replaced me with another. I want to die. he slammed the door on me. I want to die. he did this more than 14 months ago, and I'm still not healed, and I still don't breathe, and I still have nightmares every night. I can definitely detect my patience waning in life... I am filled with, and consumed with, rage and grief. I desperately want to die, I can no longer bear the darkness... I AM SO FUCKING exhausted and depressed: trying to desperately understand someone who doesn’t understand themselves. I’m not vilifying avoidants, but for me, the more I work on understanding my OWN attachment style and becoming secure, the more I get turned off by someone who isn’t doing the same...

[@saraha4317]

Excellent and very helpful video. I really love your thoughtful and insightful content, thank you

[@ceooflonelinessinc.267]

I’m going to turn 34 soon. I never experienced any kind of romantic contact through my life and due to that I feel so lonely. I never had a hug, a date, a kiss, or something as a relationship. The depressing part is that I put myself out there: I asked women out, I signed up on dating sites or joined new groups to meet new people. But every girl rejected me before I had something as a date. More and more I think it is due to my disability (Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) I am suffering from. It seems that whenever I tell women, I only work minimum wage jobs, they seem to be less interested in me. Once a woman even told me, I am a loser for working as a dishwasher. The older I get, the more depressed I have become. It feels devasting going though life without any kind of intimacy, being rejected over and over again, being told you are not even good enough to get on a date with…

[@ardenalexa94]

Someone who tells you that you aren’t good enough to date because of being a dishwasher is a bit shallow. I’m sure one day you will find your person, hang in there.

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Hi can we talk

[@cosynova2]

This video is BRILLIANT - so validating and helpful. Thank you!

[@Su-ri5ob]

I have no friends, but I am not lonely, people disappoint me.

[@suu1998]

same here. I've accepted that I'm just not a social person and I'd rather enjoy being by myself than be disappointed

[@kingrhino11]

As a person, sorry to disappoint you. Don't stop looking for people tho because surely not everyone will seem like that

[@Su-ri5ob]

@@kingrhino11 you haven't done anything to disappoint me,so don't apologise! I don't ever look for friends, but I do go places and speak to people and that's enough for me.

[@kingrhino11]

I appreciate that perspective. I've been thinking about it alot since yesterday because I *am* lonely and sometimes I try too hard or get impatient when it comes to making friends and your statement reminded me that there are people everywhere I go and that is something I can appreciate more

[@camilar.369]

Sooo helpful this came at the exact right time that I needed it thank you 😭❤

[@kat_rabbit]

Thank you very much for making this, I suspect I may be watching this a number of times...! I would definitely agree as someone who is neurodivergent and socially anxious, that theatre can, perhaps counter intuitively, be a great tool for breaking down the barriers and learning social skills. Also thank you for clearing up what the noise was, I thought it was a washing machine! Never mind though, it wasn't that intrusive.

[@castaliafierce8466]

Thank you so much for your tips 😊. I'm autistic and that brings a lot of insecurites when socializing, but I do really need to meet new friends, so I'll try your advice! I think I'll stay here 💜

[@Cmdtheartist]

When you're a kid, cartwheels and climbing trees are easy. Same with making friends. As an adult, all three of those? Super not easy.

[@petersmith143]

Yes. I've spent my whole life trying to ' fit in ' but recently I decided that was toxic for me. I decided to live MY life and not try to please anyone but myself. I still care about others, but I also spend time caring about myself.

[@Duececoupe]

Lots of love and friendly hugs from Swede in Glasgow! 🤗☕️

[@sambailie4773]

I recently realised how lonely I am and how I crave true friends. I have lovely friends but I do feel very lonely at times

[@Cam-yu8wy]

Yeah...I eventually let go of the persona I had been using as a tool and a shield, letting everyone see the real person (with my introverted needs and carefully managed limits). What a relief to finally not have to carry that around...but it also cost me nearly everything/everyone. At that point I suppose I should have taken a page out of your book as it were, made a real effort of building meaningful networks with more suitable people. Instead I became fiercly competitive and distrustful, and finding it hard to change into something more healthy.

[@snörre23]

I could barely concentrate on what you were saying because i was wondering if that cardigan slipping from your left shoulder was an accident or carefully arranged. Also love the slightly messy bookshelf in the background. As an introvert i am surprised how many people in the comments suggest all kinds of group activities. I understand that this works technically but i as an introvert absolutely do not feel comfortable in any kind of group setting. And i even did social dancing (swing) before 2020. Loved dancing but struggled with that group/community thing.

[@MatthewTheWanderer]

As someone who works in fast food and retail, I hate regular customers! They are very often the worst customers who are overly friendly and/or entitled. Therefore, I hate the idea of ever becoming a regular anywhere myself. Also, I'm too poor to afford to go anywhere often enough to be a regular.

[@Robert-zc5be]

As an introvert who doesn't want to make friends, I rather have a problem with people trying to "stick" to me, while I want to be left alone. There are some people in my neighbourhood or from my university days who, for some reason, want to stay in touch or talk to me every time we meet in the street. I'm always nice to them and try to have a conversation but all the time I'm just looking for a - polite - way out. I don't really understand why people crave human interactions. I'm happiest alone, when no one bothers me.

[@paullewin8615]

Well my groups is small. I've learnt from experience we only need a few real friends

[@albal156]

Thank you for this vieo it has been a big help to me. I'll try and keep the great advice you gave here in mind if my Aspie brain doesn't forget it.

[@giftsofspring]

This was so well said. Great video! ❤ Thank you 😊 Since recently, I go out to do things! A thing I for most time of my life did not think possible. And now I feel connected even without having met friends there jet. Much better than sitting on the couch writing on one of these horrible dating apps. For mee, at least. Go out and do what you always wanted to do. You will meet new people and love your time even just for the event :)

[@ItsJessieKate]

Smart ideas, this was super helpful, thanks!

[@gregandre148]

If someone's seriously planning to move to another country, but it may take another year or two, does it make sense to look for new friends in their current area or should they tank the loneliness to avoid making close friends that you'll hardly ever see again? I'm asking for a friend...which me.

[@emmelinesprig489]

I just decided the other day that I need to join online groups to seek friendship. I just don’t have access to in-person social groups with overlapping interests (even volunteering opportunities are rare where I currently live)

[@thomasbradley2225]

Irish poet scoundrel, a loner by choice though hardly introverted nor lonely. As Milton quipped, ''the mind is its own place, and can make a hell of heaven, or a heaven of hell.''

[@linguaphile9415]

I recently restarted collecting MtG cards and planning decks to take to local game stores. But now that I have almost finished making my first deck, I find myself too afraid to go there for various reasons. The first is that the deck I made consists of high power cards I picked up from the meta data online. With no idea what my local game store peers will be playing I could easily put them off from playing with me again. On the other hand I am worried about losing every or most games and being exposed as an idiot netdecking but incapable of handling his cards. The third reason is I am afraid some or all of my cards could get stolen, even if only by accident. These cards are very expensive and I live on a small wage.

[@christophercrews1380]

I like to go to a local coffee shop every Saturday and read and eat. I’ve made social acquaintances, but really not friends, except the former owners. So it does work. What I’m really looking for is a way to market my landscape photography. Any suggestions?

[@Bleilock1]

Lol you sound like youre not into making friends but i to making money Because id say your method doesnt work evidently... for making friemlnds that is

[@DoctorPhilGud]

You know what i really dislike about being an adult, that other adults find it strange or weird when you ask them if they want to go somewhere or do something. Like ive known my co workers for years and it felt like there was a reasonable amount of friendship there but damn if they act like ive got six arms if i invite them bowling with me

[@artnouveau7633]

I'm am introverted, and I am not lonely. I've been this way all my life and never had much need for people. I don't care either way about friendship or a relationship I prefer solitude

[@legui444532]

The simple answer is: the more places you go, the more people you can meet. 😉 parties are not a great place to meet nice people (mostly)