Looking at my past through the lens of autism...Part 1 of 'for the rest of my life!'

[@tracirex]

my experience is similar to yours. good video. thank you

[@vanessaprestoncreative]

Lightbulb moment ... another person can be a special interest?! Yes! So often I've admired and mirrored people in real life and movies, as you said fascinated, not in a creepy way, then suddenly losing interest. Thankyou so much for sharing your experience. I'm still learning and awaiting diagnosis (I'm 49). My own personality type and traits have also been an ongoing special interest, perhaps because I always want to solve the puzzle of why I think differently, have sensitivities, obsessions and aversions, why I always felt like an alien, and so on.

[@Hermitthecog]

FAIRN BREHDEE, WOOHOO! (As phonetic approximations of Scottish accents go, this is the best I can do.) Haven't listened to it yet but I've got the audiobook of Strong Female Character in my queue.👍👍 Love her, she's so clearly one of us. I find it interesting that you're looking at social connection as a form of special interest in itself, because my formative reactions to the shame of social awkwardness were so often to double down on whatever my interests were i.e. I would rather be alone to happily immerse myself in whatever the interest rather than defer to any social expectation which dictated that loyalty to a friendship ought to come before said interest. In that sense, how we engage with life itself as autistic people is exemplified by our social challenges: we want a deep, immersive involvement with anything and everything that catches our interest, to the extent that we don't seek external social validity for our activities - we learn to expect that other people just cannot relate to that intense degree of involvement. In astrophysics we know that certain stars have such a strong gravitational pull that they absorb all other would-be planets in their orbit (as a lay astrophysicist I admit I don't recall what they're called.) Perhaps this nevertheless serves as a good analogy for the autistic mind, in that we burn so brightly alone because nothing of interest can escape our fixation.

[@TheGreatReveal]

Oh I love the astrophysics connection! Yes, I have learnt that others will not relate to my hyperfixations and I don't expect them to anymore. Although, I am still miffed when someone tells me that they don't understand my focus on something, and as such I usually don't share with people I don't completely trust. So I share with about 2 people.

[@davidrichards9898]

I can confirm that if one makes ones spouse a special interest, a genuinely nice, funny, gentle person may start threatening murder in ones sleep. But I can't help it. Oh well. I wonder if a provide her with a permission slip / mitigating circumstances she will at least avoid prison on my demise. I am becoming kinder of my past and current self. Only internally though. I find unmasked me is not anyones cup of tea so I have literally driven others away. I think primarily because if one can have a special interest word, for me it is understanding. I am trying to understand everything about others and myself. Internally I am happier and kinder because I better understand most things I have done in the past. And present. Its amazing how much of the shame is in "not feeling normal" and not in some bullying event or slight. But actual acts like having hurt someone, is still something to be worked through and corrected. Externally, apart from my wife no one has any interest or energy in understanding. Or finding new common ground. Quite understandable for someone I met yesterday. I am referring to people I've known most of my life. My kids are in their 20s, have always found me weird and although they have made no extra effort its all okay as they sort of adapted to weird dad long ago. And their poor mum usually gets awful dad first so they avoid him. My father passed away a few years ago and was a dangerously damaged man. But even as far as his treatment of me I have realized just how confusing this weird son was for him to manage. I am not sure if I pity him or enjoy thinking how many buttons I must have inadvertently pressed in him. Issues were minor with my mom. She was generally great. Currently though if she does something that upset me as a child I am far more upset about her current action. But evidence is never thrown out of a data hoarders brain. For example, something may lie fairly peacefully in my brain. But if my mom does something now, I get a deluge of related details from my brain stretching back +50 years in some case. Who says time is a continuum anyway. Even Einstein was confused by time, at times. I wonder if Einstein kept a diary? Anyway, I see no hope for future friendships especially because I have always preferred friendships with women. I may look like a rugby player but I enjoy friendships with emotional depth. And most importantly, women, justifiably have to be very careful of rugby playing looking men who are interested in everything about them. Of course this comes off as wanting something more. This is no criticism of women. Its them practicing common sense. Even my good relationships with men were only because they shared my special intetests and tolerated the depth to which I plumb emotionally. I have largely eliminated existing relationships outside our 4 walls. I just cannot envisage being unmasked me and having friends. And I have retired so don't face this at work. It does mean when I venture out it is much easier to mask a little and frankly, be pleasant and experience pleasant interactions with strangers. I have even found my driving has dropped another notch in terms of aggression and increased in terms of consideration. I gave up the full road rage high speed approach decades ago but its nice to be even nicer whilst driving. I do put this down to usually having more spoons available. In general it makes me feel whole but others think of me as an ass-whole. I know I can only manage this "I am a rock/island" lifestyle due to my wife as she is my rock and companion. But as you mentioned this is not ideal for spouse and I do drive her crazy.

[@TheGreatReveal]

Thank you for sharing all this, I relate to a lot you say. I feel my parents are/were neurodivergent and I think they found everything overwhelming and so couldn't give the support that I needed as a child/teenager. My husband watched the video and laughed because I do drive him nuts! But he said I was his special interest too, however, he could just be being nice! haha! I think it is important for me to say that although I am trying to unmask more, I still mask loads outside my home. I sincerely don't know how to cope otherwise, and maybe that's just the way it is. I'm really glad you feel whole as a person, that is so so important.

[@davidrichards9898]

​@TheGreatReveal As if to confirm my "special interest" I spent a decent portion of yesterday making a 4 minute long video consisting of photos and videos of my wife, from earliest photographic evidence (she is also my research project) to now at 53 years of age. I was driven to this by hearing Tears 4 Fears new release "The girl that I call home" which I used as the audio. So in a way I was forced into this. I mean. The song title alone drove me to it. I am trying to quite but tomorrow is another day.