Love Addiction & Love Avoidance with Di Young

Like any other addiction, Love Addiction endures a surrounding sense of shame. We often ask ourselves in the beginning, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ however, the real question needs to be, ‘what has happened to me that has set this pattern in motion with my relationships?’
Watch as Diane Young, our Addictions and Trauma Specialist shares her insights and experience of Love Addiction and Love Avoidance, providing some useful tools and techniques to promote your recovery.

[@fazek4096]

This is wonderful,thank you.

[@landline51]

Thank you SPP. I always get some sort of transformative self realization from your videos.

[@SouthpacificprivateAu]

Thank you so much, we're so happy to hear that!

[@barbaraniedenthal6814]

Thank you so much....always, another step in understanding my addiction/avoidant cycle So valuable, what SPP puts out.

[@SouthpacificprivateAu]

Thank you Barbara, it's always so nice to hear feedback like this and hope you can join us for our next Facebook Live. You can share your experience of SPP with others here if it feels right for you to do so - g.page/r/CQqsS6woDb8NEBM/review

[@Rainingpatchouli311]

This all makes sense to me now, thank you❤

[@anjalimujumdar8480]

Wow thank you so much, it gives me so much information and insight and hope for me

[@SouthpacificprivateAu]

You are so welcome

[@yittyklein6261]

Can a person heal in the relationship or must he get divorced and heal then enter into a healthy relationship

[@givemelovegivemepeaceonearth00]

👏🏼 thank you so much Diane

[@daniellewood1611]

The love avoidant’s greatest fear is engulfment not intimacy

[@rafsbar1437]

Hi Diane, as someone who definitely resonates with being in this cycle as the avoidant (but also somewhat anxiously attached at the same time). I’m doubting my own reality and I’m questioning my sanity a lot of the time, I really feel you would be able to help guide me and make sense of what’s been happening to me, I’m only 24 and the situation was also crippled with shame and guilt and another relationship. I’m from the UK is there any way to arrange a professional virtual session?

[@TranscendingTrauma]

Look up gaslighting because it can really mess with our reality. Unhealthy relationships can definitely make us feel these ways. And we can start to unconsciously gaslight ourselves. The brain likes resolve. It doesn’t like uncertainty. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. You can be OK. It just takes work sort through our hard experiences.

[@rafsbar1437]

@@TranscendingTrauma Is there a way I might be able to reach or speak to you via zoom or something? I’ve just seen your page and some of your stuff and I think this is it! I swear, I started no contact two and half weeks ago and I need to move on but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, the depression, anxiety, the second guessing, doubting myself. As I was the ‘avoider’ I’ve been painted as the villain but I feel so misunderstood because I tried to put in place boundaries to preserve a friendship but nothing I said ever mattered, I started to think I was going mad, or like me withdrawing was because it was my fault The guy I was dealing with just narrowed the whole thing down to me being ‘so scared it’s incredible’ and that it’s because it was my first time with a guy which fucked with my head more because I was like is he right? Why isn’t he understanding my concerns here?! And yeah I think he was unintentionally gaslighting me or at least minimising my feelings and using my guilt and empathy against me (again unintentionally) and just yeah he would start profusely crying and becoming really sad whenever I tried to advocate for space. I wound up being the bad guy that ‘hurt’ him, never mind he was 10 years older than me and I really let myself be vulnerable with him. I’m just struggling so much now But yeah I feel fucked right now, and I’m struggling to cope day by day and would love to speak to someone who knows something about this sort of dynamic. I’ve never experienced so much pain/passion/euphoria/depression in my life, I’m so tired and feel helpless

[@TranscendingTrauma]

@@rafsbar1437 look at my video on longing. So much to say but it’s like an addiction and you have to treat it the same way. Part of the feelings of insanity may be your uncertainty about experiencing a relationship with same sex for the first time. It’s ok. Deep breathe! You don’t need to figure everything out right this second. Self compassion! Some grounding: belly breathing, body movement - running, dancing, intense exercise, stomping your feet, stroking your forearms. You are not responsible for his emotional state. We are all independently responsible for that even if someone triggers us. If someone can’t respect boundaries you set in place then they are showing you they are someone that doesn’t respect the boundaries you set it place 🤷🏻‍♀️ believe that!

[@TranscendingTrauma]

@@rafsbar1437 look up SLAA and go to a meeting. They are free :) there are many and daily including online.

[@TranscendingTrauma]

@UCWjomAOo9aAFMHQeZI6NTXQ Aww God will so help you through this. I understand this and I’ve been kind of like both of you in this situation. Where a relationship made me feel like I could not breathe without this person. This is addiction not love. When you felt like you were on a drug with him you were it was your own bodies chemistry. His pain is his own to overcome. And you did so many things right. You’re exactly right at 12 year relationship takes time to mourn. He can’t just fill it with another person. And that on-again off-again creates that addiction it’s called intermittent reinforcement. It’s extremely psychologically addictive. And then add all of your guilt and shame and confusion over the sexual orientation. You did nothing wrong. I am so sorry you are struggling. Look at this as an opportunity to dig at what made you start to feel all of these things including the guilt. Take an honest look at how you were attached to as a child. Believe it or not it’s actually even the unconscious memories of the 1st 18 months of life that create a lot of the way that connect. These are called dependent relationships. They are not healthy but they are a growth and learning experience. One day you will feel better and it’s starting with today slowly each day. One of the biggest things I had to learn about my healing journey was that we have to seek that balance sometimes we have to set it down and sometimes we work on it. Both. For right now give yourself a break!