Making Connections - Esther Perel & Christina Pierpaoli Parker

The prospect of approaching and engaging with a potential partner is a challenge for people of all ages. I spoke with Christina Pierpaoli Parker about steps towards making new connections.
Christina Pierpaoli Parker is my guest this month on Sessions, my online learning community for therapists, coaches, and relationship professionals. In this month’s interview, we discuss sexuality in aging adults.
This clip is a part of a longer conversation with Christina Pierpaoli Parker for Sessions, my online community for therapists, clinicians, and coaches. Each month on Sessions, we tackle an important, challenging issue with recognized experts in the field.
Learn more about becoming a member of Esther Perel's professional community here: estherperel.co...

[@BriaLafayette20]

Esther Perel is so good at listening! It’s refreshing to see her let her guest finish their thought before responding!! It’s truly a skill!

[@NANA-tasha]

Esther is the QUEEN!!!!!

[@koreighlee]

"Focus on the process, not the outcome." Love that 💕

[@grasshopperpopper2]

I've just found your channel. Happy this video appeared in my feed. Love it 😆

[@linkcell]

Dear Esther I'm always excited to listen to your videos. I like when you bring guests sometimes and this one was an intriguing one - specially with the introduction you made. Having that said, please allow me to leave my honest feedback on the conflicting and contradictory thoughts Christina is leaving the twenty something listeners. [The anecdote of younger adults opting out from getting their drivers license sounded like a complete mis-reading. One does not get a driver's license if one will not get a car any time soon. And one will not get a car for a number of reasons, on my ingenuity I would say that the actual price of buying and maintaining a car together with a more heavy environmental conscience (not to mention the new alternative modes of transportation in place on some locations) would be among the prime reasons. And yes, more and more stores are closing for business because of online shopping, so...?] Now, the post me-too uncertainty remark was very much to the point, I couldn't agree more! But the 3 solutions presented by Christina sounded mudded and very conflicting. 1) turn off your phone or put it into do not disturb mode: this is not very clear, it would be better if the suggestion would be for example to purposely set to do not disturb for some time of the day (and not only while one is sleeping). This would also tie better to 2) start moving, it's good for your health: sure, that is an easy one to pull out. And while you're at it do you also want to encourage young adults to opt out of getting a drivers license? Finally, 3) really have the courage to approach someone: huh... I guess that was the problem we are trying to solve. It's not helpful to phrase it this way. If anything, this is saying that people who feel the uncertainty of the post me-too era are just cowards for not being brave enough to approach someone. 3.1) and the way that you can do that is practice with a friend: right... the same friends you just ignored when you put your phone into do not disturb mode? Or the one's you decided to pay a visit (unannounced, because of the no phone policy) when you went for a run or jogging? 3.2) Hey Esther, you look beautiful today {crazy fake laugh}: again, I don't know who's friends (in their 20's) would be putting up to this. I fear only the desperate singletons would come together (for no one in their 20's in a healthy stable relationship would have time for it), and even worse, that they would build up a pick-up artist group. Let's face it, only teenagers would undergo such endeavor naively; twenty-something-nothings (among which I include myself) see everything as a start-up project, as they should, they want to invest their prime time into coming up with something valuable. Scripting dialogues this way seems like the wrong way to approach someone, but worse than that, it seems like a dangerous way to instruct someone to behave All these suggestions and the poorly thought out dynamics they define for relating to others sound more like a recipe for becoming a narcissist - or to end up being reported to the police. Esther is such a great (and thorough) thinker, that it hurst to see her to subscribe to this statement. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings (Christine's and Esther's included), I wish we could also both {crazy fake laugh} at each other, while reading my remarks. But in the end, I value health professionals' opinions as much as I expect the best from them.

[@rhondabarlow860]

Enjoyed the talk! Thanks for encouraging me to focus on the process and to focus on the common humanity. I liked the role play 🙂

[@JessieLewis]

I love the variation of the comments 🍿... my take (although I am married) I think whether we believe in the “the one” or not, EVERYONE has an expectation that they need to love everything about that person. And when in the dating process or courting period, we find one thing off or wrong with the potential partner, then we ghost them or turn it into friendship only instead of working with what they have because we think we deserve better, we deserve to be happy. But we are evolving creatures, so who’s to say Mr. Perfect NOW will stay perfect in 10 years?

[@nataliebutler]

I don't have that expectation. I expect to love a man inspite of his imperfections. After all no one is, or ever will, be perfect.

[@maryfairy4017]

I needed this today. Thank you. :)

[@caliac]

In Spain, most young adults don't get their driver licenses because they don't see it necessary because public transportation works pretty well and most importantly, because a vast majority are not finantially secure enough to afford the costs of having a car. Coming out of a severe recession, it's just simplistic to blame every problem of our generation on social media...

[@mariahspapaya]

Cali C in the majority of America excluding New York, public transportation is shit and it’s pretty necessary to have a car

[@emokiriemiabednegoabed2844]

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[@cjsmomom]

I agree! My boyfriend and I are together after 20 years apart. He's not on social media, and I'm thankful considering all the couples I see brokenhearted because of something concerning it.

[@ebbyc1817]

@Cali C True but I think she's obviously referring to the US where having a drivers license is pretty much the first thing you do as an independent adult. And I think her point is, they don't feel the need to grow up and get out of the house and do things and make things happen, physically, in the real world.

[@caliac]

@@ebbyc1817 getting the drivers license has been a rite of passage in every developed country, but it's not like it's useful anymore outside of rural areas where it's a necessity. For most young people living in a city is a no go because it means spending a lot of money in a license when you can't afford to have a car. It just makes no sense and if you ask any young adult they would much rather being able to afford putting the drivings license in use so I don't think it's 'I don't feel I need a car because I have social media' rather than 'I can't afford having a car, but at least social media makes me feel connected to my surroundings'.

[@TheSingleGuy]

Esther, all these conversations end up turning into advice for men. Yet I never seeing you interviewing men about these issues. Would like to see some of them on your show. Hell I think I'd make a great guest to talk about these issues

[@houlzzz]

This is GOLD!

[@bethhardinhealing]

Just found you, so good!! Thank you

[@HenryMPittman]

Focus on the process! Good stuff.

[@veronicarar8227]

I missed you Esther! I

[@physiokielbaltic8276]

That was helpful!

[@chrisbrown2211]

Great advice!

[@veronicarar8227]

Cristina! Love the way you talk

[@rbaker368]

I know a guy in his late 20's who admitted that he doesn't bother approaching attractive women in real life, because he doesn't know if they're single and the potential for rejection is too raw. And why bother? When he can go home and sit on his couch, swiping, and know the women are single and the rejection isn't as confronting.

[@MrJubejube87]

because in real life you have the ability to make an impression which you can't do on your phone. Yeah the feeling of rejection will hurt more, but tbh I think your chances of "success" are higher

[@rbaker368]

@@MrJubejube87 I totally agree. It was more of a rhetorical question that he asks himself!

[@nononsense6875]

At 47 years old, the first information I want to know of any man is do you have diabetes and/or high blood pressure? Most men are too prideful and stubborn to do talk about or do anything about their fluctuating sexual function related to their medical diagnoses. So.....if they have diabetes and/ or high blood pressure ....well I can be happy watching Netflix by myself.

[@LikeToWatch77]

Why not just go after 20 somethings? You may have to pay for the dates but you will get the functionality you require.

[@willybluessenkiwsky3848]

I'll be 65 next month growing up was no computers, video games, or worst of all cell phones. To find a girl, chick, woman, whatever we had to go out and find one no looking at (phony) profiles with photoshopped images!

[@gaynordennehy2538]

Totally agree...yes rejection will happen but haven’t yet heard that it was fatal ! Kinda like round 2 ,3,4,5,... until you score ! X

[@mariahspapaya]

Does Esther encourage women to approach men? I like the idea but I partly think if a man can’t approach me then he’s not worth my time

[@jrg305]

Good luck with that. Women have destroyed that with #metoo

[@LikeToWatch77]

Do you watch any Matthew Hussey videos? He says all the time how women need to be more proactive. Personally I am 47 never married and haven't dated in a decade. Women at work give me signals all the time but they can't be bold enough to call me by my name even though I know they know it and I call them by their name. With the current MeToo climate I can only persue so hard. Playing hard to get at work is a no go.

[@mariahspapaya]

LikeToWatch77 men have turned into pansies with that. I’ve been on countless dates where the guys are scared to even kiss me at first. I understand being a guy in this day and age must be intimidating, but I would think unless you’re dating an uptight SJW and you’re respectable of boundaries then you can still be a man and approach a woman

[@mariahspapaya]

J V that’s not the kind of man I would want. I prefer a partner who’s direct about how he wants me and willing to do anything to make it happen. Which includes the small task of approaching me. Everyone has their preferences in a partner and that’s one of mine

[@dominiquedevries4165]

jrg305 I’m a proud feminist and believe the me too movement was important, but I have to agree.

[@enriquevblancas1851]

Awesome & eye opening videos, please keep them coming.

[@Justyna_N]

Still waiting for s3 of your podcast

[@mariamkinen8036]

Live a life that will lead you to what becomes love. Far. I have an adult daughter.

[@denisejaydub]

Post “me too”??? No. Wrong. Guys could care less. They just forgot the art of the approach outside of the phone.

[@GloryDaze73]

Sometimes I feel men are too focused on 'the scare' and they don't have the patience to find a common connection point....... but,... maybe those guys aren't worth getting to know either.

[@johndonaldson3619]

'HIM - "Hey , you look beautiful today" HER - 'Get lost creep"

[@saschaspring2198]

I would soak up that compliment with glee, and return it whole heartedly.

[@liliyapangelova4968]

That's so scary.Giving examples on how to make simple conversations? Have people changed that much? Hard to accept. Besides that, thank you for sharing.

[@dallastaylor5479]

I won't have babies and men won't accept that, so, pfft, I don't go there.

[@Lukearthwalker]

Pfft, myself and most men I know don't want children, especially now days.

[@Gus-jk1ly]

You mention different generations i must be confused you to seem the same

[@shelleyshaner9621]

OMG... She's to animated for me and a know it all! Young people won't relate to her and think she's a joke.

[@kyantop1982]

Totally agree. I don't think many young men would learn much from her.

[@BonaFide惊人的]

Lets pray for millenials andd the generation after

[@vinoto]

Is it just me or is Parker mirroring how ester normally talks but failing to be as eloquent and insightful as ms perel?

[@Notroubleful]

No you're right, her exaggerated hand gestures are annoying as hell

[@MiriamA766]

Give her a break. Look at how young she is, and how well she's already doing. She's a very intelligent, young woman on her way to do great things for people. We don't always have to be lovely judgemental about people.

[@josetamariz9388]

I agree with Miriam A. She is doing great! Stop hating, her explanation was enjoyable!

[@vanickkam1255]

I would rather learn from the best. I don't see anything bad in trying to do what a successful person does.

[@koreighlee]

It's just you.

[@vammonaco649]

CELL PHONE PEOPLE Sleeping with your phone at night. It’s always with you and it never leaves your sight. Wish you were here so I could hold you tight, But you’re CELL PHONE PEOPLE! Don’t wanna talk, don't wanna be nobody's real life friend. Just wanna snap chat and post pictures on the Instant Gram. Don't want to socialize, or touch another human you are CELL PHONE PEOPLE! 
YOU… Used to be my My everything.
Now, I lay here waiting, for my phone to ring. And you’re CELL PHONE PEOPLE! I really wish you would just get out of My space. It's all I ever really wanted was to be erased. Don't want to ever have to ever see your face again. CELL PHONE PEOPLE! How did we ever get so far away?
There’s just so many things that text message can’t say. It's like you disappeared without a trace and now you’re CELL PHONE PEOPLE! Your life is now become a fashion show, Changing clothes striking poses for the camera phone What will you ever do with 50,000 photos? --INSTRUMENTAL BREAK-- 
How could you be so cruel to me?
Unfriending me off FaceBook is just so mean.
I’m sitting here staring at the screen, and I am CELL PHONE PEOPLE! So close but still so far apart. Wish we could somehow go back to the start. My battery is drained, just like my heart... YOU… Used to be my My everything.
Now, I lay here waiting, for my phone to ring. And we’re CELL PHONE PEOPLE! Cell phone, cell phone, cell phone, people. Cell phone, cell phone, cell phone, people. Cell phone, cell phone, cell phone, people. Cell phone, cell phone, cell phone, people.

[@raluca-mariaparlici3219]

The girl is empty... still full of herself

[@anamaria2053]

I love your talks Esther Perel and recommend you frequently. I wasn’t impressed with this session, however. She says nothing new or insightful. It sounds as if it is pretty much a recitation of whatever. The issues men may have in approaching women today have been occurring for the last 40 years or since the resurgence of feminism. There are knew challenges in the ever evolving sexual awareness and with technology.

[@jrg305]

Men don't approach men either in real life. Like ever.

[@dallastaylor5479]

Because we have the right to vote and "should" be treated equally? Not all men have a problem with that.

[@mrazik131]

I used to listen to Ester a lot and learned nothing much just beating around a bush, than I read Attached from Levine and Heller and learned a ton of info!!!!!also Karla McLaren and her how to process your feelings books.

[@saschaspring2198]

I am noticing that repeatedly...

[@LadyJustice86]

Nay? Lol

[@saschaspring2198]

Caveat: "Psychology in training...." Christina, hold off on commentary until you have several years of experience under your belt. And lose the superficial laughter ...please.

[@orangestoneface]

yes we need more fake laughter .....

[@saschaspring2198]

Ya; that part was nauseating.