Dating: Setting the Pace Without Scaring Someone Away - Esther Perel & Dr. Alexandra Solomon

[@CJ-ft9yo]

Esther is a relationship genius on many levels and I love the way she can succinctly get to the point in one sentence while others waffle on for 10 minutes without saying anything

[@mel818]

Esther answers the question at @4:03: Be straightforward, tell the person you like them and are interested and ask them how do they feel about your attitude, if they're comfortable with the pace you're willing to set or want to take things slower. In case you don't want to hear doctor Solomon, who doesn't really contribute anything.

[@mrazik131]

Omg this lady beats around the bush for 3 minutes,than Ester comes in and says something solid!

[@camez2345]

mrazik131 Totally. It was really freaking me out, too, the way she had her hand wedged up behind her ear for the first two minutes. It was so unnatural it was distracting.

[@ghfryw]

+1

[@dalboueyful]

I agree.. that wasn't advice it was quite irrelevant.. I' was left wishing only for Esther to speak. She is always on point

[@valdatriegaardt6310]

Tell me about it! And waving of hands All the time! Rather distracting!! As for the advice...😉.

[@vishwav20]

Amen!

[@llamaverde8735]

The key point here is when she says: "say these things not from a position of insecurity but a position of assertiveness". And I agree totally to that. However, maybe the question comes from someone who is looking for that security in the other person (or in the relationship itself). First you solve your insecurity issues and next you can challenge a person to enter in a deeper relationship.

[@michaeljensen4650]

Being assertive and confident is attractive. The trap however is that people who are wasting your time will still find your behavior attractive even if they are not serious about you or just wanting to use you. Looking for signs of low empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, and false intamcy is just as if not more important. We need to learn how to vet people not qualify for or earn their love. A confident high value man should screen his women and make them qualify for his attention and commitment. Men need to get off the Ferris Wheel of female approval or spend their lives whining and simpering for morsels of conditional love.

[@valvara123]

I LIKE YOU. CAN 👏🏼 YOU👏🏼 DEAL 👏🏼 WITH👏🏼 THIS 👏🏼.

[@allenmciver3858]

If you tell something the truth and they push back, give them the gift of your absence. If they can live without you, they will. If they can't they will reach out to you. That is one think I learned from the pick up community. All questions must be stated without emotional weight on the outcome. Are you in or are you out?

[@HugDealer]

I totally agree Allen. If you offer something mature (the possibility of a real relationship) and in response you get back some BS and childish playing, you have your answer about how incompatible you are. Save your time and put your efforts elsewhere! The "pickup community" is a such a despicable horrible place. The dating apps and sites have make everyone feel like it is a human market where you can use and dispose any time. I'll rather be completely alone than played.

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Allen McIver I have to disappoint you: everyone can live without everyone. That's not that simple, man. It's about how to approach in an appropriate way. Stay away from the pick up scene, they told you BS!

[@atiajanssens5654]

you are being too simplistic. it is a good thing to state clearly what you want. a mature person will take that and inform you about their wishes and how far they are able to compromise. then its a negotiation and a conversation. if the other person cannot deal with it, you know already that this will not work out and you've saved yourself follow up dates. but during the "dating" period you cannot expect someone to fall so head over heels for you that they "cannot live without you". that a bit childish, disney-princess kind of thinking

[@michaeljensen4650]

All men should read Rollo Tomasi’s book (The Rational Male). Did you notice how the therapist with Ester mentioned ‘Ponies’. Men are viewed as a commodity to women. They are not as romantic as we would like to think they are. This is the reality men need to wake up to. If she hesitates it’s because she has attachment issues stemming from unresolved childhood abuse or neglect and is scared of real intamcy.The other alternative is that she thinks she can do better. She is using him in some fashion until a better opportunity appears. Sometimes it’s both. Men need to learn what to look for and when to move on quickly.

[@Shechatsalot]

@@boomerangsruckflug8513 Everyone can indeed live by themselves but what I believe Allen means is if that person value you even though everyone can live by themselves they will choose or select to be with you.

[@pmlover1810]

Esther , you're my hero . Love that final comment--can you deal with it lol

[@onlyme2278]

The hard thing and the irony about being so honest is that it takes a certain amount of intimacy to do. And if you're still trying to establish that intimacy then it's a bit catch 22.

[@toomuchinformation]

Does it? It's probably easier to be more direct and honest when you HAVEN'T had that level of intimacy; there's less to lose.

[@antje8303]

As a single woman in her 30s, I would like to give a shoutout to whoever guy that is self reflective enough to ask that question!! After yet another disappointing experience in which I thought, guys in their 30s haven´t changed much in their mindset since their 20s, despite having been married for a long time and having kids, this is encouraging, that their are still a few out there that consciously try to improve communication!

[@cosmicflower11]

The Clinical Psychologist gave a great background to understand Alan’s issue. I liked when she said ‘speak your truth!’ - then Esther wraps up the action plan. Great suggestion in only 5 minutes. Thank you!

[@lolar6085]

"I like you ¿Can you deal with it?"

[@narona]

I like this video because Dr. Solomon gives such a broad answer with little direction that simply tries to encompass everyone’s personality. Perhaps something with a more focus, self respect and confidence would be a more substantial answer. However, in her defense, her answer simply reflects the scattered cultural pattern of today’s dating scene in the US culture, and perhaps some other cultures as well. I like Esther’s direct point because she exemplifies how to be confident about what you want and how to go for it. However Esther, the only challenge I see here is that a very high percentage of US peeps are conditioned to be confused, self focused, avoid attachments and to be content with shallow relationships. The question is - how do you deal with that and is there a chance for a cultural repair? Keep up the great work - you are music to my ears! 🙏 and thank you for being here! ~ European/US fan.

[@jasminehouston-burns1691]

"What does he do with the truth that gets him pushed back?" Phenomenal question. Would have loved to have heard a bit more from EPerel about what about someone's truth, or their perception of their truth, that can push potential lovers away.

[@MREScout]

The quote, "I have 5 other ponies in my stable that I'm trying out" is absolutely the issue with relationships and expectations with relationships. If you're with someone, be with someone. Don't be half in but still keeping options open. If you feel that's what you need to do, you're with the wrong person. End it with them, and move on. Men, be men... when you find the one that laughs when you fart, marry her.

[@chilloften]

It’s best for me as female to pace it slow so as to not become emotionally attached to quick before actually knowing a soul. No pump & dump bs.

[@leannesmith1207]

"I like you, can you deal with this". - love that!

[@leofeza9325]

I love Esther Perel. I can't help it.

[@dahliamaria6151]

so happy i found her on here, this is life changing .

[@smallandugly]

Thanks for the ending words... I'm on the other side, female (29) with a lot of experience being perceived as too aggressive due to my assertivness. Thing is, I dont wanna hold back and change myself cause my partner can't handle me being direct. So lets say he says no, "no, I can't handle you liking me. And no I don't know why"... Is there anything else I can do except for (the obvious) moving on? It's fine moving on the first time... But if this becomes a pattern of people being attracted and withdrawing when you open up and be who you are, you really start to question yourself.

[@Fallen_Venus]

Susi El I think some assertive women are more masculine and will probably attract weaker men to them who superficially admire a strong woman. Initially it works but soon the woman will lose interest and respect and the man will feel emasculated and unappreciated. Also are you toning down your assertiveness in the beginning? You need a strong man who is emotionally mature but maybe you also need to just rethink your own attitude and how your communication is translated. What works in the workplace won't usually work in our relationships. Assertive can also be controlling, aggressive, pushy, belittling, bullying, over-competitive and there is a fine line. It's important to learn how to convey your needs in a non-threatening and gracious way. We can still be assertive but do it nicely! Oh and listen to the other person as there should be two equals. If you don't feel you are then you're in the wrong relationship! I think a repeated failure pattern indicates we're making the same bad choices and not learning from our mistakes? Yes sometimes we DO need to change ourselves for the better and stop blaming everybody else. Best wishes 😊

[@beatrixbliss276]

Susi El Sounds like you're going too fast.

[@teenager240]

I think I have similar experience to yours... I am a young female, a bit younger than you, and I was never much of any interest to guys. So I just stopped waiting around and I "took the lead", when I liked someone, I simply showed my interest, told him or even asked him out... For most of my life I was faced with rejection, sometimes nice, sometimes ugly. I blamed myself for being too outward, too open, too stubborn, simply too much to bear. But waiting for someone to come around, which was a kind of helplessness for me, always felt worse than rejection. So I kept trying. But what you wrote about the pattern that you seem forming... I had the same one... and it was clear. It was only after I came to peace with the notion that I might end up alone for the rest of my life that I became truly honest to myself and more confident than ever. And guess what... I found someone who wasn´t scared away. Perhaps I will some day, but for now, it seems he can handle me liking him :)

[@ekaterinalalo6242]

Eudora brilliant answer but unfortunately not easy to accept by all those “leading” women

[@michaeljensen4650]

@To Alice. There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Are you only thinking of your needs or the needs of your partner as well. Most men prefer feminine women. Not a push over but a woman who is sweet, gentle, loving and supportive. Are you combative? Do you boss him around or bully him? Are you manipulative? Do you always need to have it your way? Are your always fighting for control? How often do you think about the stress he must be under and how you can make his life a little easier. Healthy couples take turns doing this for each other. Their is nothing wrong with having self esteem and knowing what you want but the respect, love and support in a relationship should be mutual. Men who are leaders do not want to be lead. Women want high status men but men of this type are not interested in coming home to another ego battle and Mexican stand-off. You may want to get back in touch with your feminine core. Take of the business suite and your boss lady hat when your off the clock or at home with your man. It’s not about letting him be the man. A real man doesn’t need anyone’s permission to be what he already is. It’s more about giving yourself permission to relax into your feminine nature. If you trust him it shouldn’t be too hard. If not your wasting your time. Move on.

[@TiffiniTruth]

Be honest about your dating intentions. SIMPLE AS THAT. If you're marriage minded, let it be known on the first date that you're not dating to date forever. If you're not, let it be known on the first date that you want to date casually and see where it goes without an intention. Just be open about your goals and stop being afraid that will scare people away. It will clear the path to find your person.

[@krool1648]

Esther has a cute and lovely accent.

[@jedilady4485]

It's good to tell he truth but with the right timing. If the other still gets scared or pushes away...... Then it's not meant for you!!

[@ArborProTriCities]

Messages/thoughts for an indecisive and skewed generation. The ease with witch people interact in the dating world sets a stage for confusion and confidence challenges for most men. Gender rolls are reversed often, one can hardly be taken seriously. My praise to the lady saying be confident and state your interest! Also except no one who is wishy-washy, they may be distracted, jaded & aren't ready for the real thing.

[@ellebelle3812]

Wow literally the only valuable suggestion here was the last 30 seconds with Esther. She’s very good at getting to the point!

[@gabrielamartinyuk9894]

I would like to add - Splendid haircuts both ladies!

[@chazavaz]

Esther’s last words are so to the point, honestly. I wished I watched this like 6 months ago, although better late than never!

[@dallastaylor5479]

Huh, interesting. I met guy, got physical before dating, um, didn't date. He moved in within the week, two weeks later he popped the question. That was 26 years ago. Sometimes you just know. I knew he was my guy within 2 seconds.

[@thl4444]

How did you know😯😯

[@laraking804]

Yup. Time is no metric in relationships. You can move fast or slow and fail or succeed. It’s not really time dependent. In the end they’re either in or out.

[@chilitocluclu]

@@laraking804 what? It is not good to move fast in a relationship

[@INTERSTELLAR1111]

Who Gives a Shit if U scare them away 😊.... ' the Primary Relationship with One's self IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE , EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECONDARY ! - OF COURSE MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW THAT YET , SO THEY ARE ALL OUT THERE AN ' CHASING LOVE OUTSIDE OF THEMSELVES ....

[@hughrblackwell]

Spoken like a true self obsessed feminist. Keep up the illusion.

[@jstanbury61]

ESZTER STELLA KOMLOSI looking for love in all the wrong places?!?! I must say I really enjoyed your forthright opinion on this matter.Stlill not always easy to do given most people's social conditioning

[@GoOutside321]

Exactly!!!!

[@alannaharley5615]

The video doesn't answer the question. She says just be assertive, tell her how you feel. It doesn't go indepth about setting a pace. I say be her friend at first if you are worried about coming off too strong you might scare her in revealing your feelings.... Get to know her on that level- that way it takes the pressure off & you guys can be somewhat comfortable with each other at a later point when you feel better about opening up (don't do it too fast if you worry about coming off strong) & then be assertive; Tell her how you feel. I like how Esther said it.

[@AlinaBefu]

Dr. Solomon is talking so much without any real answer! I think she has no idea how to respond and she looks unprofessional with all that gesture. Thank you Esther for the real answer!♥️

[@leofeza9325]

One of the most important variable left out is the inauthentic, borrowed behavior most people adopt. "Acting" people don't know how to be genuine, their personality become a sum of all the books, movies and all the music they have heard. So a big part of their response to the stimuli is a rehearsed, scripted piece of feedback.

[@tel5690]

Interesting question....Love your take on this Esther....Great answer from the best experts

[@richardkan8499]

Esther is so straight to the jugular, in such a nice way

[@downhomegirl5]

How about if there is strong chemistry, asking what are your intentions? What are your wants & needs? What's wrong with asking? Too many people just jump in bed, if I'm jumping off a cliff I'd like to swim below & see how deep it is, if there are any obstacles before I jump. Crazy people jump without knowing, shit you might end up hurt or paralyzed. No rush, I'm here, where are you? If he runs chances are he just sleeps around & isnt looking a solid relationship & he will probably grow old alone. Know your value your worth it.

[@misscogito9865]

Definitely. Drop one of those on the first date, amongst some easy, fun questions to not make it too heavy maybe, while asking about their lifestyle and friends, to also find out if they’re safe (continue on this one for couple of dates, cause you never know lol). Then if you’re both up for a second date, drop more of those, gradually forming a balanced image of them. The thing is, many people will have answers to those questions that don’t overlap with reality, so hearing all the answers to deep questions early on can set you up for danger, if they’re not sincere. Pick activities for dates. See how they handle losing (in a tennis match), how they handle disappointment (weather not panning out, a stranger being insolent to them, a drink ruining their shirt). Organise double dates and see how they interact with your friends. They may be nervous, but you’ll see if they’re genuinely interested in getting to know your friends, making connection with them, or just trying to impress them. Best secret of mine: make space for silence and for them to ask you questions. Pay attention to what questions they ask. This reveals more about what they’re looking for in a partner, their values and tastes than any answer to tried and tested question that routinely pop up on dates. Once I started paying attention and wrote them down after the first date, i got an idea of their standards. Some men don’t ask a lot (desperation), others will ask superficial questions to asses my domesticity (lol) or heavily focus on flirting without much substance. Nobody’s perfect and dating is stressful, so if they ask me some good questions, I’ll take it to the next date.

[@tikky20e]

she does not understand the question

[@HenriNero]

So many people saying that the other lady is "beating around the bush" and whatnot, but she raises very valid points to at least think about. And when she says she would want the other woman in her office to talk to her, that's just to get more info to get to a decent conclusion or something that will be useful to that specific case.

[@deda9829]

Twice yeah, I agree. Plus, everyone saying she's "gender-biased". Like what? Knowing how the gender paradigm works in straight/gay relationships doesn't say anything about bias. It's just how it is. Whether someone thinks it should or shouldn't be like that is where the bias comes in.

[@liubovk2]

Would love to hear similar advice for a woman. How to let him know without stealing the initiative from him. Thank you Esther for everything I've learned with you🙏💞

[@kcinbloom]

Yes! Pose this question! I like 2 grown men and their pace is either turtle like or the opposite! So, I stand firmly in ambivalence regarding them.

[@blisswkc3344]

Thank you so much dearest 💐 You’re such an inspiration 🥰 Be Blissful Eternally 🙏😇

[@AG-ej7wm]

Dear Matt, I believe it's good to know first what your own hopes and expectations are. Because whatever her answer is going to be, it won't help you if you have no idea about your own needs. Sometimes it's good to realise early on, that your expectations don't match, even if that means you "lose" an otherwise interesting woman.

[@ava-jl1ll]

Love this video! Need more videos like this on the dating stage and early phase. How do you get a guy to open up emotionally? How do I do it as a girl who's been (similar to the girl in the video) hurt, scarred and jaded by guys in my past..

[@joannamontoya1862]

Wtf was the lady in the black dress trying to say???

[@patrickbonham949]

She looks like she's ready to go on a date 🤔🧐😶

[@froggreen2067]

She waits for advice from a 👽

[@yoyoyo5621]

I feel like this is happening to me but I'm a girl and the guy seems to not genuinely buy that I'm interested in him because he's a bit insecure. Lol I used to be the insecure one, it feels weird to be on the other side

[@ItsMeAnnaMaria]

In a dynamic with a man I am currently the hesitant woman. And I agree. Ask me. And leave the space for my answer, instead of pushing or withdrawing.

[@daviniarobbins9298]

I think the lesson is don't be or come across as too needy and clingy in the very early stages of dating. She has her life and you have yours. You hardly know each other. The worst thing you can do is over do it. You end up pushing away the other person forever. This is a hard lesson I am having to learn. I did this with a woman a few months ago. All I ended up doing was being put in the friend zone. The woman I have only just met I was starting to do the same but I have reined it in. She still wants to meet up though but it feels like I am on probation with her. I didn't even know I was doing it until last night. Only met her last Sunday. I hope I haven't ruined my chances with her if there was one to begin with.

[@Crave_Train]

Preach brotha. Treading the line between displaying interest vs. disinterest is so difficult - especially if emotions wash over you. I can relate to your situation - having never successfully been in a relationship with someone I actually have strong feelings for. Being lukewarm towards all potential partners seems to be the key to generating interest.

[@daviniarobbins9298]

@@Crave_Train Yes, I just want to talk to her all the time but how does it look to the other party? I was just being friendly with the previous woman, didn't think I was doing anything wrong. Too friendly. Oh well, we learn. Like you I don't know how to balance it out. Should I be like appear disinterested and not send any messages or just one or two a week? This woman has met me so she knows I am not clingy like that in real life. I think she likes me a lot. At least that is the impression I got from the hug she gave me at the end of our first date. I thought for a second during the hug maybes I am hugging her for too long, maybes I am making her uncomfortable, I should stop so I started to relax my hold on her and then she squeezed me as if she was telling me to carry on hugging her so I decided to go with the flow and continued hugging her. Glad it did end I was starting to become aroused down there.

[@Crave_Train]

@@daviniarobbins9298 ha yeah, i probably wouldn't message unless you are planning a date. My favorite part about all of the KZbin dating advice: "Be yourself...but do all of these tactics because being yourself clearly isn't working".

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

I feel like a whole lot was left on the table. Today's dating climate especially online, is a whole different ball of ambiguity and people just loafing around, seeking attention, not knowing what they want, timing etc etc.

[@lauravo3355]

Thank you so much for this. I'm very independent and I hate to feel "trapped" or "controlled". But that has led me to look for guys who give all the space I want and need because they don't actually want to build a relationship. I guess asking someone for space will be the conversation starter. It scares me to see he's what feels light-years more into me than me into him. Somehow I feel this is a burden. But I don't owe anyone reciprocity. I wish our intensities could match. But they don't. And I should invite a discussion instead of running away.

[@coachzachgerlach4863]

Esther is on point! Other lady seems to be all over the place.

[@queenfeminine8684]

Very valuable information thank you, I enjoyed this x

[@joemourer9896]

Not a fan of Dr Solomon. Too superficial in her explanations. Not indicating that she has an in-depth understanding that she can share with the rest of us.

[@ClothstudioCa]

Interesting that she refers to men in female breadwinner families as a ball and chain. So does that mean that women are ball and chains in every other instance? Hmmm

[@diamond852]

This "marriage expert" lost my respect when she tried to proselytise old gender roles where men lead and women follow. The man wrote in because taking the lead IS NOT WORKING. And then she says she needs to get the women he dates into her office to try to understand why they aren't responding. Can someone be any more clueless? Thank you, Esther Perel for ending the "psychologist's" ridiculousness.

[@Iamany.Batuan]

Love how she says hello :-)) inspiring women. Much love

[@Lightflames85]

I often find it difficult to know how agressive should i be or how confident should i sound to win her over. Just realised that my mindset is all wrong she should impress me not the other way around. Just not easy when you start to like someone. Still its a balance act thats not easy when you find someone new.

[@gabrielamartinyuk9894]

I love this ! just communicate! perfect !!! I am astonished at this wisdom ‘

[@nathalie5238]

I like this video... I am the woman on the receiving end.... A man coming on quite strong in the beginning is quite scary though... I experience fast romancing burning out very fast too and love bombing from a narc abuser... It is lovely when a guy I like tells me from the get go yet it still feels icky, and I try to pace him...

[@eeland6972]

I love that answer. Because I’m a woman who can get scared and would love a man who was that daring and straight- no bs ( that u get so much of). BUT wish you would answer if it’s the other way around - if you’re a woman and want to know do you see just ads friend/hiking partner or are we flirting for example etc. ? It can get so confusing and I scared to actually seem stupid if incomplete or off and ruin the new friendship relation because you dropped this question- but don’t want to waste my time either (reserving /getting feelings).

[@chandlersavage3481]

Great advice! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, it's extremely helpful!

[@saschaspring2198]

Speak your truth. Speak your truth. Speak your truth.

[@menoninblack]

How can I set the pace? "Be straighforward" I didn't learn anything from this video

[@goddessoflove6380]

So refreshing🍸

[@chessdad182]

Full speed ahead!

[@JoeM370]

The influential nature of this material is undeniable. A book I read with similar insights was a transformative journey. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@daytonasayswhat9333]

I think gender-ising the interface of dating communicating and boundary setting, and implicitly advising the outmoded notion that the man must take the "lead", is both counterproductive to effective communication and development of a relationship and perpetuates a social structure in which the woman is subordinated. I don't see why the response to this question wouldn't just be gender-neutral. I think all genders and sexual orientations experienced the anxiety of ambiguous expectations equally. This line of reasoning reeks of modern feminist hypocrisy. I mean, the man is already expected to be the one that approaches and initiates the courting process; and then plan and manage (and pay for) the preliminary outings. So, in addition to that, it's the man's duty to ensure the proper progression of the relationship? If it goes too fast it's the mans fault. If it goes too slow it's the man's fault. Where's the outrage to these "old rules?" Plenty of noise about pay gaps... Women seem to expect equality for all the upside in life. But happily stand by and let men do all the heavy lifting in the difficult parts -- like developing a relationship. So the man is expected to put himself out there, determine the pace, all while half of the time the woman is the breadwinner, just to wait around until in fret to see if he is deemed "liability" [because he is not a economic parity with her]?

[@diamond852]

Daytona Says What?! I was shocked that an alleged expert could say such a thing.

[@valdatriegaardt6310]

Blew me Too

[@DrUnatiDrMHealthCorner]

Loved this discussion.❤️

[@katyfauri]

Thanks! 💥

[@lwgg742]

So, does this also apply for girls who are dating shy guys? Being as openly assertive as you explained in the end of the video?

[@karlanthony6715]

Why did she start her answer with her little "men are a liability " speech. It wasn't relevant to the question

[@karlanthony6715]

Dr Alex

[@DivineEcstatic]

Ughhh that Alex lady was literally saying a whole lot of nothing, nothing valuable to contribute. Clicked on vid hoping it was Ester who would b mostly speaking

[@angelpilot9081]

I agree. Her answer was dodgy and unprofessional

[@NinonAprea]

Read "Getting To I Do" by Dr Pat Allen

[@Thatone_Dude21]

why?

[@aleenaperez4621]

👍🏽 to Ester!

[@teresavalenza9609]

I agree with being honest, but I think this video is mis titled. Point-blank asking someone if they can “handle” my feelings would absolutely scare a lot of people away. Men have run from me for a lot less and I haven’t developed enough self-trust to accept that. If you’re going to be that assertive, I think you need to be ready for that before taking that approach. I get it - if they run away it’s an indicator that that person is not right for you. But that perspective is not enough to make me feel safe yet.

[@AlexZeBeast]

I love it

[@technov1king]

very good advice, the professor is getting a lesson from ester here ;)

[@aleluyahnos]

4.05 Yes

[@neilpinto2156]

Dating is not easy If the girl is to smart

[@atiajanssens5654]

hi, I would like to propose a question. If a man has been cheated on in his first marriage (this was the catalyst for them to separate, even though they acknowledge that they would've probably divorced anyway later because they grew apart) and has now issues with trust in his second marriage - how do you work on that as a couple? There has been no reason to distrust in the second marriage and with time the outbursts of jealousy have become less and less. The insecurity about it is still there though and affecting other parts of the relationship. Thanks

[@misscogito9865]

Get couples counsellor. It helps to bring a third person with expert knowledge and non-confrontational way of addressing these issues rather than making it ‘his’ problem (I’m not saying that you are making it his problem, but he may feel this way, and having a third party point things out will ease this a little). They’ll suggest ways in which you can support your partner and help iron out the creases that will come up in the process. It’s pricey but will be worth it if you care about your dude.

[@neilpinto2156]

Dating is very hard

[@laraking804]

We only needed the last 10 seconds....

[@dianes1332]

Huh? Esther to the rescue 💚

[@lavannyagoradia9694]

Hi Esther! Am a big big fan of yours. I am a 39 year old woman. My question is that how does one deal with a man who is sure he wants to be in a long term commitment and relationship, wants you, has been waiting for you for years but cannot seem to bring himself to the relationship in terms of time commitment because he's not been in one for more than a decade and now is 40+.

[@albatroisi4227]

I'd say that is bullshit. And stop considering him as a poor kid who need to be understood and thought. Especially if you are 40+ and you really want something you know how to have it.

[@contr4dixion]

Sounds very much like Matthew Hussey, so guess it works both ways, for man or woman.

[@JJJennings007]

Esther is a phenomenal intelligent speaker with a cool Belgium accent the professor has an annoying voice and not so effective.

[@valdatriegaardt6310]

JJJennings007 Well, she probably took the opportunity to make her TV debute , whilst waffling on about breadwinner, Ball and chain nonsense...

[@raubkopie_]

Dr. Solomon's bodylanguage...and the way she talks ... sorry...

[@wendinelson6355]

I just live you Esther

[@wendinelson6355]

Love!!!!! Lololol

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Wendi Nelson,your pretty smile can make the news!

[@jaydeke4952]

I don't know... I think coming in direct like that is probably what's scaring them away. That's my experience anyway.

[@whotelakecity2001]

What I would really like to know is who pays nowdays?

[@natazzo9986]

🤣🤷‍♀️

[@Catherine-ew1ww]

Thanks ladies…..but does the lady in the black dress have any idea that that skirt is Way too short? Very unprofessional to be sitting offering professional advice in an outfit best suited to a cocktail party. If a person can be confused about how to dress, can’t they be confused about the advice they offer. Interesting topic, thanks.

[@calielaine7222]

Even the academics realize gender loaded relationships. This gives me great hope.

[@telebiopic]

Didn’t enjoy this clip as the interviewee was very ambiguous. In this case the initial Attraction is missing. If there is no genuine spark in the first 1-2 meetings, rest of the story is all about moving your standards or/and compromise. Then it’s all about reasoning not desire. Both can be a pathway to a relationship, infact historically ‘reasoning’ has a more successful outcome. In this case if the guy is facing the same outcome with all potentials, he being the common denominator needs to switch his style or appearance or behaviour.

[@technov1king]

Dear @estherperel and what do you say when she answers i dont feel the same way. You give me more than i can give you back??

[@johnalex236]

my dear if you need help in your relationship

[@johnalex236]

[phone]

[@johnalex236]

if you do get in touch with him on WhatsApp okay

[@ninobasilashvili5816]

Why the negativity towards dr. Solomon, do you think Esther would encourage this? Definitely not! This only says something about you and not about her, and it’s not looking good for you!

[@giulias.5104]

Can't hear what this woman is saying.

[@comptonzfinest]

4:04

[@youngodyssey16]

I feel like she helped but didn’t help cause is like she knows when don’t want this then tell him to do this lol

[@alexianp]

The woman is so bored, holding her head with the hand so it will not fall.

[@gleejosko7215]

alexianp I think she was uncomfortable with her too sexy outfit. Her posture was a total distraction.

[@NancyGnome]

@@gleejosko7215 it's not her fault there's a tiny couch and a camera pointed at her butt! but yeah, she looks really uncomfortable.

[@gdaymates431]

It's all just a bit too hard isn't it?

[@ionutboss1266]

4:10

[@travelfoodielove]

Esther please help! What do you do when you give someone so many ultimatums and they don't change? Do u believe in the silent treatment. My bf is a great guy but he has a temper and on occasions he drinks til he blacks out. Everytime I leave him and go to my cousins for weeks he vows to change but when I get back with him - he's back to the same old. Do u believe in silent treatment or is this backfiring and this fake breaking up is making things worse? Please help. Thank you. I love him a lot we been together 11 years

[@linkcell]

Serena Williams if you truly love each other "fake breaking off" seems a bit unfitting

[@travelfoodielove]

linkcell thanks for the reply doll! I just don't know what to do with him anymore he's a good guy but it's like he doesn't take me seriously when I tell him he needs to change :(

[@dannyallegra]

Serena Williams teach by example: take yourself seriously when you leave him. How can you expect him to take you seriously if you haven't shown him what does that mean? Show him how to do it: next time you leave him stick to your decision and respect yourself. There's a destructive pattern in him, yes, but by coming back when you said you would leave is also a destructive pattern and you should ask yourself why do you harm yourself this way. Also, if you show him that you respect yourself and the way you honor your word, then maybe he will star respecting himself too and he will quit drinking and start honoring his word. Maybe but that time you are done with him, but it doesn't matter if you separated while in the process of you both recovering your self-respect.

[@travelfoodielove]

D. N. Thank you for your amazing advice. I will try my best and remember your words. I just love him so much bc he sends me the saddest texts and voicemails but I have to show him I'm serious if I really want to see him change. Thank you. God bless xx

[@beatrixbliss276]

He is an alcoholic babe. If you cannot accept him "as is" you should keep looking. To hang around telling him he should change is disrespectful. If he isn't what you want now, he's never going to be. It took me 25 years of marriage to finally get that.

[@damtol1]

oooorrllaaa...

[@SweetTeak]

Some of this advice is terrible. There is nothing wrong with dating and taking your time. Maybe she just wants him to take things slower, which doesn't require her having therapy. She could really like him but you're giving advice without all the details. What if they've only been on a couple of dates and he's already asking to be exclusive? Be careful everyone, while this may seem like good advice, you could also be entertaining a narcissist and not even realize it. It's ok to take your time in many cases.