Fight Smarter: Put Escalating Fights on Ice - Esther Perel

[@tristanneal9552]

"Did I describe it well, Nora?" Yup that pretty much covered it.

[@anamirchoff5049]

Tristan Neal are you Nora’s husband 🤣

[@vargheseaustin2438]

@@anamirchoff5049 no but I too agree with him personally 🤭

[@energyeternal]

1) stick to the issue at hand 2) focus yourself on the behavior and not the character 3) bring your attention to your own experience (feeling and needs) 4) hold a positive image of your partner while communicating your feelings and needs around a specific behavior 5) let your partner know you appreciate them while you are focusing on the specific behavior

[@krzysztofprzygoda7635]

I would add at the top: 1) Read and adopt Nonviolent Communication concept at first ;) Then anything else is obsolete.

[@lilachan2703]

My ex wants my address to send me gifts. I said I do not want to give my address because he blackmailed me and sexually exploited me before. He then asked for my friend's address to send a gift for me and I said no because you stalked my social media and contacted men in my life sending them private pictures of me, etc. Then he said he will contact stores he saw me visit and ask them to accept and hold my gifts for me. I said I do not know these stores well please do not. I said I will buy a PO box for $90 a year (only option in the area where I can use my music alias to keep my privacy) but he said no it is too expensive. Then he brought up this video here and said I am not doing anything she said and I said "and you are?" All these things happened this year, now. I don't understand how to apply this video. This man has a past of abusing women and being in jail for it and he has threatened to have me killed for $2,000 when he had some fight. I cannot let go of the red flag past and see him in a golden light and trust him with my private contact info. I have anxiety, depression and PTSD from childhood. I do not want him to send me gifts but he is persistent and I agreed to pay for a PO Box but he does not accept it. I like this guy but I only see a friendship. He is not like any other man but I do not feel safe. He told me he is bipolar with narcissistic tendencies but then shortly after he said he lied about having narcissistic tendemcies. His ex-wife is studying to be a therapist to help women who suffered domestic violence like her told me she feels he is a narcissist with psychopathy. Long story how I got to know her. He told me they had a great marriage for 20 years but it ended cause their son died. He gave me her contact and said I could ask her anytime. He was trying to sell me on a quick marriage to him. He just didn't think I would contact her and find out all the domestic abuse that led to multi-police calls and jailings. Of course he went bananas on me for contacting her and telling him. But after he told me he was involved in the murder of three people and then he later got mad at me and threatened to have me killed I had to ask her if this guy is for real or just talk. I feel his take on this video is we ought to forget the past and trust each other. My feeling is with a more "normal" person ok but with a "criminal" person I do not feel a future with "no thanks."

[@marcrow9114]

@@lilachan2703 I hope you got away from him Lila. Be safe

[@theprousteffect9717]

@@krzysztofprzygoda7635 I've encountered people who've adopted "nonviolent communication" and have found it incredibly frustrating and ineffective. Not sure if it's the communication style itself or the if they were utilizing it incorrectly, but it's not going to work for everyone.

[@krzysztofprzygoda7635]

@@theprousteffect9717 The long story short: NVC is a mindset - not a technique in fact. The technique is utilized to change the mindset, not to follow it strictly in everyday relations as if it was some magic trick to others’ hearts. And last but not least, people often associate NVC with being nice, which is wrong. These are common mistakes in learning NVC approach that lead to failure and frustrations.

[@zamam8216]

I wish I'd watched this 6 hours earlier

[@ttaylor70ify]

Lol

[@saraswatiahuja832]

😂

[@shelbyradich7944]

Lol

[@erwintan4746]

i wish i watched this 7 weeks ago

[@lotusflower3154]

😂

[@lissuga516]

Tonight I began with sharing a spiritual experience which ended in dirty gunk that’s clogged in the pipe below the sink with dirty dishes! 😴 good night!

[@tracyc.7232]

I want to be like you when I grow up. I love how you educate others and make it easy to understand.

[@chilo2k]

I love Esther Perel she is amazing at her craft. Clearly explained and to the point. Thanks

[@yuhanhe2583]

How is that ester is getting prettier and prettier?! Damn she is just brilliant and lovely

[@bobsingh5521]

Yuhan He Date her for 5 years and then talk

[@artemisapaez]

She’s amazing really !

[@paulcurley7600]

Another beautifully crafted journey story that holds our attention and focus. We can hear the dishes rattling and only hope the encounter ends with a warm soapy embrace next to the sink.

[@Fendora]

Exactly! She is wonderful and no sugar coating it either! To the sink analogy...isn't that a huge contradiction on our parts. I feel so stupid expecting something good all hell has been brewing.

[@iloverelish2]

Im 33 years and this woman gives the best advice I had ever heard in my life! Thanks for uploading the knowledge, Esther!!

[@laturista1000]

if only 20 something women had Esther;s type of maturity and understanding. Insteady both men and women alike are becoming increasingly poorer communicators.

[@celeste8389]

Esther Perel is just gold.

[@LeeGee]

Yes! You made me laugh out loud! Spot on! (Very nice jacket, btw)

[@henrylyimo2713]

Her sense of fashion 😍😍😍😍😍😍

[@whitesatin2010]

Fantastic. You rock Esther. You really do. Greetings from a Mexican fan

[@alvarezluizgiuseppefaccien3064]

the most captivating inspiring lady in our modern time .keep on.happy listening to every talk .

[@Fendora]

I am so guilty of this and I am so glad and grateful you are here with your experience letting us have some good advice or structure. I have found that we have "tunnel vision" towards our spouses flaws, not seeing the bigger picture and this is what often leads us to "idealize" with tunnel vision that someone else out there is "perfect" in our tunnel vision as well. It is so ass backwards. If we only realized everyone is flawed, but hide it during the beginning stages with love bombing. If we were only educated during high school to spot these things or to train our minds to not have "tunnel vision" and to actually see that not everything is as good as it seems, we would be a lot happier and satisfied with our relationships. The biggest issue I hear from friends and I am guilty of this too, is "marriage wasn't supposed to be this way" ... Like what the hell did we know? Who has a perfect marriage in the first place? We BOUGHT the IDEA that love is always happy, or that things never get bad. Therefore we all end up blindsided by what comes along, especially when the more ignorant one in the relationship BELIEVES a new "model" will bring real happiness. We are delusional at that point. THE GRASS IS ONLY GREENER WHERE YOU NURTURE IT.

[@gacem.hassina]

Waw 😳 , thank you

[@marcusdavis4987]

Me and the Wifey were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week I realized that I would need my wife to wake me up at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Las Vegas. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, I wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." The next morning I woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that I had missed my flight. Furious, I was about to go and see why my wife hadn't woken me up when I noticed a piece of paper by the bed... it said...”It is 5:00 am; wake up."

[@michellemurray3245]

😂

[@malvikasheoran11]

😂😂😂😂

[@meggiemcmullen2239]

Agreed. Its so important to stay focused even when emotions are high. Remember why you love each other, appreciate, let go, and remember that you can't take back words.

[@MrEthansprincess]

You are a gem 💎 Dr. Perel!

[@hails.h9000]

You look amazing and I could listen to u talk all day 😊 great advice and accent.

[@DemecosChambers]

great advice. stick to the point and avoid building a defense to build a case.

[@Ce-wz1bq]

wow Esther you express yourself so perfectly and the content that you give is so valuable. Gracias!!!

[@aishwaryabammidi1679]

One great woman who shows how love can work on the field....You are really love!

[@musokiemily336]

Thank for being clear to the point and being in the question. U displayed empathy.

[@nathaliecowong]

3:05 stick to the issue at hand 3:20 focus on the behaviour & not on the character. Focus on how what he did not what he is. How he did is a proof of the kind of person he is which of course isn't a good thing. 3:46 to fine tune this 4:08 focus on what u feel & on your experience, rather than making a list of the character flaw of your partner.

[@rinibak]

Hi Esther and Esther's team. I just spent a good 4 hours translating this video into Greek. I've had 2 other people go through the translation as well. Would you mind having a look at it and approving it? It would be great to see Greek subs on here soon. Many thanks.

[@rozinamouz9286]

Good job! Μπραβο :)

[@theiablakesley4304]

Thank you for this video, I now see that it was a lack of empathy and compassion from his end, I did everything you said one should do to bring up things that bother you. How does one know that this will never happen? The empathy and compassion?

[@joshuaverenagi3214]

Hi Esther. You are heaven sent! God bless you, very inspired by your content. Its very helpful. Greetings from Papua New Guinea

[@lowdrop7349]

hahahahah the way she described it make me laugh so hard because THAT IS ME!!!

[@oganotluibov]

Esther, I love your videos. Are you considering posting examples with actor couples who fight well and ones who fight the wrong way? I think there are many people who agree with your explanation but what we lack is good modeling. The school of Life has similar videos which are helpful to many.

[@westcoastsands]

Esther, thank you for your work. I'm fortunate to have come across your channel (first watched you through Lewis Howe's and then more frequently when searching relationship content on KZbin). There is so much value in your posts. This particular post helps with my work relationships, especially close relationships with Senior Management that I have run into (thankfully not often but one time is once too much in this context). Another of your videos answered a young man's question about how to be assertive. You'd brought up, "Assertiveness is confidence and aggressiveness is defensiveness." This was very beneficial to me having grown up and learned that assertiveness is unacceptable in my own culture. I'm navigating my assertiveness and accepting it as a standard that needs to be in place in all facets of my life. Thank you for showing people how to be powerful individuals in the world and how to better manage ourselves/relationships to create better lives. Appreciate your voice.

[@ChocolateJewels]

Yes, the story of my childhood listening to my parents fight on a daily basis. Absolutely. Bloody hell.

[@michelleeldering8265]

I have just found your channel and it's one of the best videos I've heard in a long time! Your presentation and topics are so on point! I look forward to watching more videos, thanks for the outstanding content.

[@danbreault]

This lady is brilliant

[@dietersachavonmansberg1626]

@Esther I love your accent on the word SH&T sounds so polite when you say it 😉

[@Iam_ramankaur]

you are helping so many people through your videos. Thank you. This helped me today

[@haladerg]

Great video, thank you from Egypt

[@LOrena_Lorena]

I knew and did all these things stick to the point etc and not be personal, but it doesn’t work when my partner does it the other way and won’t change his ways. Nothing gets resolved except more anger building inside of him, blaming me for everything. I used to think it was my fault but slowly I realise he was the cause of my anxiety and frustration. There is never a discussion or to get to know each other’s differences and needs because anything different to his view and wants is another outburst. Or he keep them inside and keeping tabs until it explodes. Omg. Why I still believe good in him...

[@TheDsX2006]

LOrena Lorena did you guys break up?

[@shookone568]

You’re like a Belgian female Jordan Peterson! And it’s brilliant!

[@SpineGevity]

brilliant! The tools in the toolbox continue to be sharpened. Thank you.

[@pizzowizzo3997]

doh I'm in love with your brain, i appreciate you, understanding much and in Swahili we say umetisha

[@ShinjanGhosh]

I love how various kinds of therapy gets interlinked in their conceptualizations and it's mostly the terms and definitions which differs. Your use of kitchen sink is very similar to an ACT metaphor of bad stuff in box. Coming to the main point, I would like to say that I get highly inspired by your wise words and insights. Thank you for existing ❤️

[@Vanessabobessa10]

Shes so good at this ❤

[@lisadelahaye6115]

Thank you for your intellectual insight Esther 😉

[@musokiemily336]

😆😆I loved this. Am happy you give solutions. After describing thoroughly.

[@mellery23]

Wow this will definitely help me seeing how guilty I am

[@Red-fg9qr]

My god, I love these videos.

[@andrejamarolt961]

Ester Pearl 😉, your words are eye-opening and healing. ❤🌞

[@Jane.Doe.]

At minute 3:24 = Yes Yes Yes! This shit of character assassination is mmm..the #1 issue which has, & is continuing to kill my ability to maintain my object/emotional constancy during disagreements with my (3 yr old toddler) husband. Oh man, also no matter how I myself work on changing & developing *me* ... he chooses to continue to annihilate me so badly during a fight that I must leave the house to avoid further chaos. His choice to stop this horrid behavior has what used to be a fantastic, passionate & loving union now so badly damaged that I no longer think there's hope for shifting up & out of the negative space we go to during disagreements. It makes me so so sad because we've been together since we were 16 yrs old. That's 20 years! Anyway, I've just discovered your channel, subscribed & so will marinate in your videos until I've watched them all! Thank you! I love your style of teaching, advising very much! 💞✌

[@musicalpeanuts]

Wow. She's such a genius.

[@GnosisMan50]

Harboring a collection of grievances itself is wrongheaded to begin with. That clearly shows that such relationships are not learning how to resolve them as they arise and as their lives unfold. The moment we are IN a relationship, is the moment the lessons begin. No one knows all there is to know about love and it's only when we are in a relationship, that our lack of it becomes evident. But it's not about love. To me, love is confined within the field of sentiment. Virtues such as being honest, sincere, understanding, the ability to listen with undivided attention, and *self awareness* are a few of the many ingredients needed in cultivating a healthy relationship. So, being in a relationship is not about the other, but about ourselves. It's about aspects of ourselves that we remain unaware that impair our ability to care for those we claim to love. It takes a lot of courage to bring to light those character defects we have but we don't have them, they have *us* and they control us accordingly. So if we really cared we would see to it that we find ways to free ourselves from aspects of ourselves we've ignored far too long. There is no other way.

[@LelandsMomma89]

You are truly phenomenal, thank you so much.

[@travelfoodielove]

So on point Esther

[@galeemadavids2725]

Love it! So refreshing and beneficial. Thank you for your wisdom.

[@Teditea1]

Great video.Thank you for sharing.

[@Iorg9626]

You explained everything so good!Thank you!

[@jasonburns6411]

Esther, you're beautiful!

[@marsera200374]

Beautiful hairstyles!

[@godfridahchama1227]

Wow...you are amazing

[@PSLegend999]

for number two, basically you operationalize the definition of that behaviour, for example, "tantrum" is yelling and crying, sometimes throwing or breaking things, etc. that's specific to the situation. You remove the label and be as objective about the behaviour as much as possible, which can make it easier to not berate each other and all that.

[@aliaatarek6262]

I love listening to you very much .. Aliaa - egypt

[@mandymakhumalo4568]

danmmm i do this! but im willing to learn to fight better

[@mahadadou7057]

I just looooove your accent 🥰🥰🥰

[@nevenasaric666]

This is very hard to do!

[@E.Bandier]

Oh, good lesson I take it❤

[@Makoonga]

Finding an ideal mate, for the guy and the gal, has the same odds as winning the lottery. Hardly any couple has everything going for them when they get married, or even just live together. Every marriage is a colossal gamble. People are weak, they think they need an ' assistant' in the form of a husband or wife. But once the pain and problems kick in they always ask themselves, what was I thinking? You only have roughly a 50% chance that the marriage will last. But you only have a 10% chance that the marriage will be a good one.

[@KiloniiBarbie]

This has sounded like music to my ears. Nobody has ever described my situation best as you have. My gf piles up dirty dishes and has continuously done so from day one of our 5 year relationship. I’ve felt so down and depressed each and every time and it’s gotten to a point that I couldn’t take it anymore and would fight back in criticizing her of being guilty of the same exact things. All in all never once coming up with a resolution to the argument. It’s caused our relationship to sour and I’m so close to leaving her. I have sent her this exact video but I want more ideas... this is exactly what I need answers to but it has been difficult finding them until I saw Esther. I truly wish I could have her as our couples therapist then I know our marriage would be more defined and efficient

[@garmisra7841]

You can't change people no matter how much you love them. At the end of the day you decide all the things you can live with and the things you can't, and then make a decision. I'm close to doing this myself. I guess money is the only issue that's preventing me from pulling the trigger. And we have kids, and I'm up to believing I'd be a better father to them if I wasn't constantly stressed from being married to their mother.

[@gacem.hassina]

@@garmisra7841 lol it is like my husband is talking ......

[@navkbor]

I feel you and can completely relate to it. It all boils down to how much of a co-dependent mindset she has and at the same time a fragile ego. A bruised ego is what leads them to bring in historical dirty laundry as troops, as they know that cannot justify their words or actions in that specific current topic. My sincere advice is to leave the relationship. Else trust me on this, it will manifest itself in so many different forms in future, you can’t even imagine. So, do yourself a favour and leave as soon you can. This world has enough problems and hardships and the least you want is in within your own house. Fighting and arguments are inevitable, but pay close attention to the patterns and how these fights are repaired.

[@janetm6092]

You are a gem Ester ❤

[@NancyRuthDeenBreakupCoach]

Yes...yes you covered it all.

[@everlister]

She is amazing! ❤

[@Casey_Bee]

Wow, this woman is so wise! I could totally relate. Thank you for the wake-up call!

[@anaperezpino275]

I agree with you, Esther, and as always you touch very good points. However, very often when I fight with my husband, as you suggest, I tell him how I feel in regards to that issue (instead of accusing him of that). I have learned that in the past and I try to apply it when we fight. So I say that this situation makes me feel this or that, but then he accuses me of being self-centered or that I only think about myself, and he even accuses me for being a “me, me, me” person. So I don’t know what to say anymore 🤷‍♀️. And I have to be honest, it’s not always easy to stick to the behavior instead of to the person you fight with. However, I have done that before and it doesn’t seem to work. I know that I should do things exactly as you say but I don’t know how to respond before some of his unexpected behavior. 😰

[@dannyallegra]

I adore you!! You are amazing: smart, sexy, confident, creative. I hope to see more of these series/episodes in which you answer Qs.

[@bigpoppa192]

You've described her brilliantly

[@trinimom7686]

Oooo weee I love this woman.

[@yogaunity4797]

👍 Bravo! 🙏Thank you very much for this well done tips on how to help redefine relationships. I enjoy very much ALL your educational video's! Peace, love and joy to you 😘

[@TheMmiguelito]

Lolololololo looooooove her REALISM... IT'S SO GANGTER💙😎😎😎!!! I must admit,I do a LOT OF " kitchen sinking ",looks like i got some work to do

[@janetm6092]

One dish at a time

[@gracielynn2020]

Wow u are so smart😯

[@musicsnob4226]

I also noticed the repetition of past arguments or unresolved grievances with a previous partner and did come to both of our attentions that we kept having the same fights over and over and over again. I tried to explain that we have unresolved resentment, then we would argue about what to argue about and it was just a weird parasitic vicious cycle and I finally decided okay this isn't working how about we go into separate rooms write down everything that's been bugging us and then we write down everything that we appreciate about each other and then come back and give it to each other. she just said we're not compatible and bailed. I don't regret how things turned out. everything is for the best everything is happening just the way it's supposed to. That was the first relationship where I cared so deeply for the other person that I made a commitment to myself and to them that in the midst of an argument I would never use derogatory words like bitch or cunt and I didn't and that really felt good. I've carried that on to every other relationships since. I feel the way we treat people when we're upset is the way we really feel about them. Because the reality is you can say I'm sorry and oh yeah its okay I forgive you but those words still Bounce Around inside your head and it doesn't feel good. I'm always trying to be aware of what's taking place and if the feelings I'm feeling are based on assumptions or fears or if they are rooted in events that actually have taken place not perceived events.

[@jaredtopilko1313]

Perceived events, it would be nice to have a way to replay an event and put it beside a perceived event, so that it could be obvious to both parties.

[@madanarathimadangopal5890]

Refreshing!

[@dharasutar]

Great advise

[@monirodacosta6074]

Your accent is 🔥

[@wonderfulday9212]

Wow! Spot on...

[@TheRedfull]

Preach!!!!👏👏👏

[@amberking1434]

I'm glad I didn't watch this before my first 2 marriages. But really sorry I didn't watch It before this one. Glad I have now though lol

[@mem7718]

I wanna look like her when I'm her age. I like her style

[@kevinholdren5284]

4:45 to 4:55..... The crux of why our fights never result in resolving anything. It takes 2 growth minded people and denial is not just a river in Egypt

[@Uppermoon27]

Omg ! Thank you

[@andrekrossouw7802]

biggest issue is to not becoming personal...this is the most severe fault if you want to mend this relationship....

[@bothlalephawe4022]

This is for other forms of relationships too I think

[@mariamkinen8036]

Fight the moment, not the past....

[@artemisapaez]

Just WOW 💜

[@brit4340]

How do I ask for space without hurting my boyfriend? He seems to put all of his happiness on me and let go of his friends now I have no time to myself. I don’t want to hurt him, or to feel like he has to push me away and suffer through that ?

[@hanadijn8083]

I wish i knew her 20 years ago

[@rhythmofheaven1489]

Where can we leave a question for Esther?

[@shebaglover3986]

you are so amazing

[@travelfoodielove]

Lol love u Esther

[@buffy185]

But what if you tell the other person how you feel and they still don’t take any responsibility? Never in the entire relationship. I get blamed for everyting because according to him my behaviour is abnormal, I’m the one who is picking fights, I’m the one who is at fault even if it is his fault. I don’t know what to do.

[@murkatable]

Get off your high horse, for real. "We 're all normal and we want our freedom"

[@pixie89]

Awesome

[@jessicadeluna6484]

Omg this is me!!

[@awhimdhwani]

How do I submit questions?

[@travelfoodielove]

How do I deal with someone with a temper please?! My man is great but he has such an ugly temper

[@Fendora]

I have this issue too! My guy has a strong temper, and I find that when I put my own anger/ hurt aside there is better progress. No one will listen to anyone when they are being told off, but if we do it calmly ... i .e. look i am having an issue with ____________ and i want you to help me deal with it so I don't feel so___________ about it. I start with something like that and it helps so much to come as a friend needing help, rather than an enemy bombing his brain and expecting kindness. It all goes to the whole sink analogy. We mean well, but the execution is a damn failure on our part. I hope Esther can reply to your comment with a video, but in the mean time, because I know how you feel, I am offering an option that seems to be helping me at the moment, but I am all welcome to more from Esther. ^_^ I need all I can get. If its me that needs correction so be it.

[@Mushroom321-]

* reflective listening & = validation 😃☺😊❤