Man's BFF & Sport Ball | Best of r/HFY | 1907 | Humans are Space Orcs | DeathWorlders are OP

[@matthewklestinski7030]

To imagine the surge of raw emotion, the shock and disbelief turning to outrage, the emptying of the prisons, halfway houses, opium dens, pool halls, and off-track betting facilities into transports, moving to bloody contact with the aliens.. Men who won't fight for a country, who have largely given up violence (as a first choice) for more civilized methods, will find inner reserves of strength if a dog is endangered. And even that pales in comparison to the absolute tidal wave of 18-26 year olds responding to "They're taking our best friends!"

[@danzydan2479]

Well said mate.

[@rancidmarmot1994]

No bruh, 18 to 80!

[@danielsenzig9573]

You touch the pup and Geneva convention becomes Geneva suggestions.

[@TheMonk72]

"Fetch me a copy of the Geneva Checklist. I'ma check aaaaaaaall the boxes."

[@ravenouself4181]

@@TheMonk72 *proceeds to add new checkpoints after running out of the existing ones*

[@virtualatheist]

You touch the pup and the Geneva Convention becomes the Geneva -suggestions- *Checklist.* Fixed that for you.

[@OldF1000]

Imagine a Bulldog lawyer Scary thought isn't it unless you are his client Had to add a legal team of beagle's on your side would be a good thing as well

[@chrislaf89]

Pitty lawyer.... Or a Labrador (Of really any colour, but most certainly goldens). "Honor, client good boy. Gives treats! Yes, very good boy. Not bad."

[@roboticfish317]

Try a vindictive chihuahua lawyer

[@chrislaf89]

@@roboticfish317 He'd just gnaw on the prosecutor's leg

[@OldF1000]

@@roboticfish317 If she is a real bitch That would scare me and I am fearless ; )

[@sovjetcrab3645]

Dose he like cases with children?

[@derekbroestler7687]

Flat out, as a Terran from one of the more FAFO areas of our planet, if you try to separate me and my boy Max, an amazingly sweet 35 pound terrier pug mix, who loves everyone and everything except squirrels, foxes, and tennis balls, (and honestly he loves playing with all of them given the chance, it's just that the first two tend to feel differently about the nature of play) and who rescued me as much as I did him.... you will suffer multiple puncture wounds from BOTH of us... His will be more direct, mine will be louder and coming with a lot more velocity... though I'm not opposed to biting if necessary. Be advised, do NOT attempt to separate a Terran human and Canine who have bonded... It will go.... badly..... for you.

[@lonelyboy9852]

this goes for any companion animal

[@TheMonk72]

Squirrels make terrible toys. They disassemble way too easily, and the squeaker doesn't last for long. A good tennis ball though? That can last for several minutes.

[@julesmasseffectmusic]

Pfft If you have squirrels your not in a fafo zone. Our dogs have been bred to have a 30 percent chance of suriv8ng a taipan bite.

[@derekbroestler7687]

​@@julesmasseffectmusic We don't have taipans here. If we ever did we would have killed them off by now. We have Copperheads and Rattlers, and we allow them to continue to exist in controlled numbers to keep vermin under control, and because our dogs, and cats, have an 80% survival rate against either. Besides, they taste good. Every year we invite the public to catch them, live, and bring them into an arena to be exhibited in public, with prizes going to those who bring in the largest specimens, before the snakes are harvested for antivenom and then most are slaughtered and eaten. Usually, this is accompanied by a car show, and the sale of Girl Scout Cookies... also leather goods made from their hides are available for sale. Google "Claxton rattlesnake roundup" and understand... While I give respect to you Aussies, Us folks in the southeastern US are heavily armed, drunk, medicated, and mostly, bored in between wars... Here, we have NOTHING to fear from nature, just each other.. Hell, we have SOME (more crazy) people here who don't believe in going to hospitals, who handle venomous snakes with their bare hands, and even kiss them on the nose, at church, just to "prove their faith"... (Surprisingly, they don't kick off as often as you'd think.. ) Delivering pizzas is more dangerous than being a cop of a soldier here, and we'll kill each other for shoes... We have the most expensive healthcare in the western world and still eat double bacon cheeseburgers, with doughnuts for buns, with beverages LITERALLY outlawed in most countries, for breakfast. THAT... is a FAFO zone...

[@markfergerson2145]

I’m not even a dog person. My wife is though, and we ended up with Moose, a gigantic Akita Rottweiler mix who loves everyone especially kids. Threaten me and he will get all of your attention. Hurt me in his sight and he might eat you. Harm him and you’ll suffer the same fate as if you’d hurt one of my kids. I guarantee it will end badly for you, be you human, alien or whatever.

[@DaZebraffe]

Imagine the reaction aliens would have to archery.

[@RealengoPrimordialDemon]

Forget about that, what about MMA.

[@michaelcgrigori7823]

What about Extreme Sports and Anime!?

[@tix2260]

How about shooting

[@lonelyboy9852]

what about tackle rugby or jujitsu

[@SH-qs7ee]

Or Aussie Rules Football, which involves the brutal tackling and crunches of Rugby, and add being allowed to use other players; including team mates; as stepladders to catch the ball.

[@ImOwenWilson]

"human! by possessing that canine you are in direct vio-" *Mississippi* *queen* *starts* *playing*

[@daniel_f4050]

Really? I’d think “All they fear is you” from DOOM is a better choice. Just for the meme power of that as “a can of whoop ass just been opened” background music. 😉

[@xrayghost133]

@@daniel_f4050 You're talking about the Dudes of Hazmat song, right?

[@Rob8729]

@@xrayghost133 "Dudes of Hazmat"? Have we really come to that?!?! Elon Musk was right!!!!

[@xrayghost133]

@@Rob8729 Just clicked: it says "can of whoop ass has just opened", not "A Can of Whoop Ass." My mistake.

[@USS_Grey_Ghost]

I think more like till the last shots fired or Here comes the Freedom train or John Wick starts becoming real

[@m.t.fguard8309]

I just love the fact that he bought an actual hatchet 😂

[@oakenshadow6763]

The dogs were friends, family. God, imagine how indignant the cats would be!

[@danzydan2479]

It reminds me of The Simpsons, where Milhouse gets scratched over his face by a cat. Oh my, they wouldn't stand a chance. LoL.

[@Dyneamaeus]

Story 1: There is absolutely a historical event in that timeline where humans tried to do the same for cats. However, the combination of a human and feline mind is inevitably either Bosco the Living Pillow of Wisdom or Madam Fluffles III, Arch villainess, it likely wasn't worth it. Story 2: Anyone wanna bet Karl finds the hatchet hilarious and insists they look for a good place to bury it?

[@Zael_Moonblade]

You touch the doggos... War Unending shall be declared.

[@mateuszbanaszak4671]

Some otherworldly creature takes your pet away? *DOOM MUSIC STARTS PLAYING*

[@Bluesonofman]

Man and Dog evolved together. Though God created Man in his image, he gave us Dog as our best friend to keep us company in those dark nights, to aid in our mental health, to help protect our selves.

[@randomusernameCallin]

First story: Just wait until they see the cats and horses. That is just the more common ones.

[@michaelcgrigori7823]

Rip and Tear every xeno that tries to separate you from your doggo!

[@fluffmaster8930]

Remember there's no such thing as a war crime against aliens they never signed the Geneva convention😂

[@RealArcalian]

Greetings Mentlegent! For the Rhyhtm that is Algo Story 1: I find it very hard to believe that no other species had a companion animal, but it pleases me to see their pretentious government torn down. Story 2: This is amusing and endearing. The Damn Yankee game is spreading throughout the world, hahahah.

[@SpitfiretheCat16]

I think the implication is that at some point we made dogs smart and gave them legally recognized human rights.

[@RealArcalian]

@@SpitfiretheCat16 Er yes, I got that. And I said I found it impossible to believe no other race had done it.

[@SpitfiretheCat16]

@@RealArcalian I mean, it goes a bit of a ways beyond "companion animal".

[@RealArcalian]

@@SpitfiretheCat16 and the point about no other race having done it still stands.

[@alganhar1]

Erm, so why are Soccer and Rugby far more popular outside the US than the damned Yankee game?

[@Bannedchan]

The Cat overlords remained hidden during the conflict

[@The_Viscount]

Aliens attack John Whick III John Whick III's Dog: So this is how grandpa felt. Welp. (Loads guns) They dead now.

[@loganshaw4527]

I hope the assassination cat does not find out about this.

[@BrunoMaricFromZagreb]

This doesn't even mention the fact that farming if how humans get all of their food! Imagine farms being made illegal by some dumbass alien,& then the aliens kidnap ALL COWS from their pastures with super-stealthy spacecraft, and carried-_hey wait a minute._

[@Type_blazenil]

We don't like it when you hurt us, but go after our best friend and we'll hit twice as hard

[@redraptorx1066]

aliens: *mark all dogs as a violation and move to "liberate" them.* humans: *unleashes a hate so horribly bad, not even the devil himself would stand between them and anyone dumb enough to so much as look at our 1 of the OGs wrong*

[@randolphphillips3104]

1. What was there history when they equate "uplifting" and slavery? The only see one reason for it and effectively caused the extinction of how many "uplifted" species by that incorrect assumption? 2. Don't worry about it, nobody understands the offside rule.

[@KopperNeoman]

Offside isn't hard. If you're in the opponent's half and standing closer to the opposing goal than any of the defenders AND the ball when it is kicked, you are offside.

[@randolphphillips3104]

@@KopperNeoman Look up. You might still see the joke as it sails overhead.

[@GalironRunner]

The assumption would be that in their past someone uplifted a either animal or a race from a primitive planet to be used as workers/slaves. This likelybwould require a massive effort/outlay if fund and research to do so ie there had to be a gain for doing so. By that mind set humans would have had needed dogs to do something to justify the likely high expense and effort to uplift dogs not realizing to humans our pets are family and we can and do go to insane lengths for them.

[@randolphphillips3104]

@@GalironRunner It was a rhetorical question. To me the answer is easier, not social species, so concept of pets or companions never developed.

[@zharpain]

Id love to see how they would try to peacefully separate my Rott/Pit mix from me. While he isn't going to set records, a 45lb puppy is still a 45lb puppy and all that entails.

[@KeyClavis]

There is a difference between slavery and symbiosis. Our relationship with dogs is the latter. Symbiotic. Both parties benefit. Oddly enough, cats also fall under that heading. There is evidence that we did not domesticate cats. They domesticated themselves because it was to their benefit.

[@reduande]

😂Cats domesticated US.

[@OGSontar]

Story 1 - You weren't 2 paragraphs in before the sound of shotguns racking drowned out all other sounds on Earth. Well, in universe, anyway. I don't even have a dog at this time, and I was pissed. Good thing my shotgun was all the way on the other side of the room, and my cat was pinning me to my desk!

[@seldonwright4345]

Dogs are family. Cats now. No mention of just whom is actually in control. Leave our dogs to us or we will " Gift" a kitten to every young female of your races. You'll be the felines servants till the end of time. Her kittyness allowed this message.

[@tarrantwolf]

Only thing that'll get you whapped harder than going after the puppies is going after the kitties. They at least kept themselves from being extinct by not going after the cute little adorable furballs known as KITTIES!

[@Rhino-Prime]

So we basically just turned dogs into the dogs from up and aliens came to take them away and bith said fuck off

[@Tempestan]

First story: Wait until they find out that Cats own and domesticated Humans and still keep them around as servants/pets. Second story: I am an American and even though the name soccer is from England and most of the world uses the term soccer to name the sport, I do not know why every one doesn't call it football. American football is descended from rugby, so it should have a name derived from it, eh, not that I really care about it that much.

[@ArronRatliff]

And thus was the order of The Knights of Wick formed. And lo did they march forth across the galaxy to make the heathens regret being born.

[@thirg424]

What sports do y'all think aliens would find the most odd?

[@liricopetanco6257]

Rugby, by the way they hit heach other it shoud be call hitball

[@DocSumac]

It is well documented that aliens find cricket to be in the most awful taste.

[@Joshua-fo9zw]

Roller Derby.

[@davidvincent5701]

I vote X Games big trick. Maybe the whole X Games competition.

[@devilcat9843]

Not sport but any Japanese game show.

[@Hercyclops001]

This is like every Charles Bronson western movies The bad guys do all kinds of mean shit to the characters, and he doesn't fight back. Then the bad guy's beat him up again, only this time they killed his dog. This time, the main character fights back, and they learn that you can do anything you want to him. However, when you killed his dog, they crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed. He killed them all and left them to god to sort out. Then he gets a new puppy, and they live happily ever after... 😊😊

[@shovel662]

Space balkanization for the win

[@nicholasmunroe8989]

Okay, so…did we make furry’s irl then? Is that the Human dog hybrid? Because if not then I am having trouble imagining those humans.

[@JerryCasual006]

Yes and no.. While not anthropomorphic like most furries. These dogs would have the grey matter of average humans and a implant to vocalize these in a voice humans can comprehend. This does fall into what some people define as a furry... Honestly Though. Humans and k9s have been together for an incredibly long time, I can actually see something like this potentially happening to allow us to better understand our four legged friends. Vocal implants firstly then tinkering with grey matter to allow them more thought.

[@m.t.fguard8309]

It's kind of a mixture of both because technically they're still walking around on four legs but they just have the ability to talk like normal humans, at least that's what I picked up from it

[@mage3690]

From what I understood, they're just straight up dogs, just now with human-level intellect and implants so they can speak our languages easily. I'm sure that dogs could actually speak human languages given the right training right now (there have been instances of "speaking dogs" in circuses), it's just that they currently lack the intelligence to understand the complex instructions required to teach language. Dogs just don't have the tools to make the tools to speak human languages in any meaningful way, in other words. So basically, just superintelligent dogs. Maybe we gave them a thumb, so they could play with smartphones too.

[@VadulTharys]

@@JerryCasual006 Dogs dont need vocal implants they need improvements in their ability to differentiate words. Since 80% of human communication is actually body language in interpersonal interactions and dogs can accurately interpret human body language 100% of the time they just need help with the 20% of our vocalizations.

[@JerryCasual006]

@@VadulTharys Well The Story mentions implants... Soo yeah...

[@TheMonkey747]

'FREE DA DOGGOS!' "But... They enjoy the arrangement." 'SKREEE-' *You will not hurt my friend!*-Bark!- -Legal Flood Ensues 'Waah, why do they hate us!?~'

[@ICountFrom0]

*nod* you do NOT split the pack.

[@mattbrown5511]

I dare anyone (alien or otherwise) to try to separate me from my Dixie and Pebble. Dixie has fought, and won, against 2 Copperheads that had gotten into the house and Pebble loves to chase and tree raccoons. My pups are much a part of me as my arms or legs.

[@kathybarekman5454]

And Felines, Love ❤ your work and your voice ❤.

[@victortahlor4038]

Thank You for the reading

[@RTanna89]

First story is way too idk. Xeno coming for puppers and your telling me humanity wouldn't go straight to what Geneva convention, and nice planet you got there be a shame if neutrino bombs made it free real estate? My immersion has been broken.

[@brendamayfuller8803]

Far more fun to let the hyper smart puppers go and metaphorically pee on the laws of the xenos. "We have been together since before the first ancient fires were lit. Protecting and comforting each other every step of the climb from the mud to the stars. And you think you have what it takes to break that bond? Step up fool and bring it on."

[@julesmasseffectmusic]

Can't go full imperium with doggos watching who can understand what your up to. Only time cat people and dog people were on the same side.

[@ianhogben3472]

our better candid half managed to calm us down

[@robertstoneking7916]

Not every weapon of war has to be violent. The pups are doing quite well at weaponizing the Zeno's own communication networks and laws against them.

[@DoctorRobertNeville]

Never get between a boy and his dog.

[@That1SupportiveFriend]

Aliens: tries to touch dog New mission unlocked: survive Aliens: why do I hear boss music?

[@garysprandel1817]

Xenos coming for the doggos? Wick Protocols are now active, repeat Wick Protocols now active....with extreme prejudice.

[@squirrellordsgaming2772]

Someone should’ve sent the aliens, a copy of John wick and labeled it historical document.

[@tedb.5707]

The cats were unavailable for comment.

[@dwn3rd]

Pack bonding go brrrr

[@allenmorgan1007]

For the Algorithm, for the Author(s), for the Disembodied Voice!

[@AkGamerRo]

Dogs are part of our logical family (not blood related) and we are part of their pack.

[@Verboten_Joey]

The recognition of self identification of species is ridiculous, it's a biological category. I'm for recognizing uplifted canines as persons and Terran citizens though, if they're equally sapient they should have equal rights.

[@doctorcorvus1319]

Aliens suddenly to try and take humanity’s dogs and suddenly everyone human become Doomslayer and ready to destroy everything in their way

[@trevorbrooks9637]

They......wanted to take our dogs away? They dun goofed.

[@mikkelnpetersen]

Fear humanity going John Wick.

[@lianglonglong]

Dogs and humans have been co-evolving.

[@imperialinquisitor510]

You take my dog when you take my life.

[@GreeboDeCat]

it's a good thing for the homogeny that John wick does not exist in that timeline

[@rogerallen1767]

awesome dog story

[@danzydan2479]

Not a dog person, but fark yeah! Hehehe, God bless the lawyers in this one.

[@craigmcculley1098]

when the next nature of predators coming

[@PerTrygveMyhrer]

Wait a few centuries and it might be hard to know who are human and who are dogs or cats

[@harlequinems]

It really makes me laugh that football fans *insist* that the offside rule is some kind of hard to understand higher thinking, because the sport is so basic they have to have SOMETHING to cling to to make it seem refined or complicated 😂😂

[@ICountFrom0]

It would be simpler if you just couldn't BE offsides at the kick. But no, they make it so you CAN be, but there's a list of things you can't do, that contains everything useful. .. Except that you CAN do something useful, IF the opponent moves the ball towards you intentionally, bringing you into the game ... EXCEPT when that opponent was blocking a shot to the goal. Anything where the simplest explention contains an exception to the exception to the exception to the exception is .... probably badly worded, badly implimented, or badly understood (or all the above).

[@randomguy3080]

You know I never figured that humans would uplift dogs but yeah we 100% would, they aren’t slaves or pets, but our bet friends and family, if my current dogs wanted to leave and live in their own home they could, but my dog would always be open to them

[@1992dragonblade]

UNLEAAASSEEE THE LAWYERS!!!

[@chronred8190]

okay so i understand man and dog.. but what about man and cat? cats are closer to humans than most may realize-despite their small brains they are one of the most active ones ever, they have quite the variety in personality even among the same breed (unlike canines), they are rather intelligent, even immitating human speech on their own, all that being done naturally, no genetic enhancement or anything like that- while dogs may be friendly, cats are intelligent and they are social, even if they may not show it most of the time, much like humans-

[@Ni73sh4d3]

I love both cats and dogs, but honestly the relationship between humans and dogs is kind of special. We have been by each other's side since before civilization. Cats likely came around soon after civilization started, thanks to the small rodents our grain attracted. I recommend a video here by GutsickGibbon titled "The Strangest Pair in Nature" for some cool info on how the human dog connection is kind of special.

[@chronred8190]

@@Ni73sh4d3 xd that's entirely fair; i'm just saying because cats tend to be more adorable-and i am not sure about other pet owners but my cats often show very good understanding of what i am saying and they imitated actual human speech with their meows sometimes; without anyone trying to teach them

[@Ni73sh4d3]

@@chronred8190 No argument here! Absolutely nothing better than your cat noticing your body language that you're having a bad day and coming to snuggle up with ya. Cause they do tend to be more aloof than their dog counterparts. Both were instrumental in human flourishing, and I'd argue we wouldn't even have human civilization without either.

[@dominikwilliams1703]

I mean if John wick is any indicator...

[@ravenouself4181]

I mean, it sounds like earth also made a horrible job at explaining that humans and dogs co-evolved in a symbiotic relationship. You can't have one without the other... but feel free to take the cats. Good luck with them.

[@thedevilsworkshop7720]

I'd love to see what they think of the Australian pig dog breeds we use to hold pigs down so we can take rhem out with a knife . 🔪 😂😂

[@elfeater1760]

For the Algorithm11!

[@jasonpatterson8091]

Air is denser than neon. Sorry, just can't help myself.

[@gergelymolnar2471]

Aliens: Humans violating the laws, because manipulating the canines natural evolution, so we are liberating all of them from their "masters"! Humans: You touch my doggo prepare the EXTERMINATION of your kind!

[@Fuxy22]

Laws are interpreted by individuals because they are no perfect and trying to apply it every time without exception will result in a shit show and/or corruption.

[@dirkechoes1377]

Aliens come for my dog Greta, she and I will both take it very poorly if put in polite terms

[@epicstyle1000]

Dog story...... cyber enhancements , human genetic additions..... did they made Cyber Monster girl Dog waifus

[@SpitfiretheCat16]

Naw, they're just smart and can speak.

[@airplanenut89]

Think Cosmo the space dog from Guardians of the Galaxy.

[@loganshaw4527]

I was thinking the dog humans form fantasy stories. Like isekais.

[@genericuser984]

neat

[@dkbros1592]

Good they don't find Pokemon 🤣

[@biznestelch2941]

*cocks gun* *sweet home alambama starts playing* It seems I must remove the filth trying to remove my dog.

[@NarwhaI95]

Doggos

[@tabithachastain6999]

I would hope that sex divided sports would be gone in the future

[@TheRealInscrutable]

100K

[@Amoth_oth_ras_shash]

well that was a idiotic counter productive hegemonic approach... slave species etc... proceeds to ignore the fact the original species form still is out there evolving naturally and the 'splinter' that is intergrated as full citizens with of the same society as another ..not slaves... ye right... while its nice hearing some 'realistic' huffy ''but it worked fine... from my point of view that never tasted any of its down sides'' alien... thats bordering a bit on the line of being to counter productive to be practised long before it start spark whole sale 'dark' civilizations hiding within it doing nothing but gearing up to break said hegemony apart :/

[@merlinwizard1000]

141st, 10 March 2023

[@alganhar1]

Author of the second story needs to brush up on the Evolutionary Biology. Mutations are only part of what causes change in organisms, and in sexually reproductive organisms are far from the most important factor. Natural variation is actually the primary driver that is selected against in sexually reproductive species, not mutation. And it can be fast, generationally. Depends on the level of selection. I have in my possession papers detailing the rapid change in Galapagos Finch beaks over three or four generations due to a long standing drought. By the end of it there was a significant increase in size and strength of the beaks in the surviving population. Those were the ones that survived..... This is not to say mutation does not play a role, it does, but it is not the primary mover when it comes to Evolution in either sexually or asexually reproductive species. Those are natural variation and genetic drift respectively..... Mutations are random.... and never affect more than one or two genes. It takes changes in dozens, hundreds, to, over time, turn a leg into a flipper....