MANAGING WORKPLACE BULLYING ALLEGATIONS EFFECTIVELY - STOP TRYING TO PROVE IT'S BULLYING!

MANAGING WORKPLACE BULLYING ALLEGATIONS EFFECTIVELY - STOP TRYING TO PROVE IT'S BULLYING! Supporting Psychological Safety at Work.
How to ensure you are managing workplace bullying allegations effectively and constructively.
This video identifies the ways in which bullying allegations can be responded to effectively and constructively when the focus on 'proving bullying has happened' is removed.
Too often, difficult workplace relationships are not acknowledged until those involved have to 'make it formal' by alleging bullying and then all becomes stuck because such proof is impossible as there are no clear criteria by which to do so. When the unnecessary 'loop' of proving bullying is removed, staff at work can be supported in dealing directly with the behaviours and experiences concerned without having to 'prove they are bullying' first.
The video is a follow on from an earlier video which addressed the common phenomenon that bullying investigations rarely, if ever, come to a decisive conclusion and leave everyone involved feeling frustrated and let-down.
This is a link to the previous video: • WHY WORKPLACE BULLYING... - BULLYING INVESTIGATIONS CANNOT WORK for anyone involved! - Using the ACAS GUIDE to explain WHY NOT!
Here is the ACAS Guide to bullying and harassment at work referred to in both videos:
www.acas.org.uk/media/4864/Ad...
Here is the ACAS Policy Discussion paper referred to in both videos:
www.acas.org.uk/media/4498/Se...
Alan Sharland has been a Mediator and Conflict Coach for 30 years and in the last 10 years particularly he has provided mediation, conflict coaching and training in workplace dispute situations which invariably involve allegations of bullying.
If you are looking for consultancy and support in responding effectively to allegations of bullying that do not rely on an investigation but provide an alternative approach, please contact Alan via this webpage: www.caos-conflict-management....
TRAINING:
To train as a Mediator in the CAOS model: www.caos-conflict-management....
To train as a Conflict Coach in the CAOS model: www.caos-conflict-management....
Peer-to-Peer Resolution (P2P) Facilitator training (2-day course) to support the resolution of Workplace Conflict - this training is particularly suitable for managers and team-leaders:
www.caos-conflict-management....
Alan's videos are based on his observations when working with people involved in unresolved conflict during the last 25 years working as a mediator, conflict coach and conflict management consultant.
Check out and like the Communication and Conflict Facebook page: / communicationandconflict
BOOKS
How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace: Stepping Out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Resolve-...
A Guide To Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution - How Mindful Communication Supports Growth Through Conflict. Purchase the book at this link on amazon: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1790335221
CREDITS
Outro Music: All Colours Pt 6 by Bob Holroyd, from album Hollowman: / hollowman
Images from www.pixabay.com

[@phoenix.]

I reported bullying by a middle management guy and few of his flying monkeys aka colleagues to HR of my UK employer - big multinational company. For me the peak was when my line manager called me while I was on sick leave (thyroid surgery) to tell me that I risk getting fired if I don't "apply my survival mechanism" and that "no one (important) likes me" to which I reply that whoever want me get fired, should put their complains in an email and start an official procedure. I guess for him "to survive" meant to participate in harassment. HR were very worried that I may decide to persue investigation in line with the local law and tried to convince me that I should start a closed internal procedure because "that would show that I believe in company". 🙄 Anyway, to anyone outthere sufferinv from bullying: look at your leagal options, consult mental health professionals, call relevant NGOs. Believe in yourself and don't forget to take care of yourself. So many people suffer, don't let bullies make you feel ashamed. Edit: oh, and write everything down, collect evidence just in case you may need it.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

Thanks for the comment phoenix, so what was the outcome of the situation you describe above following your actions?

[@phoenix.]

@@CommunicationandConflict The last written communication was a long "instructional" email from HR to which I did not reply. He referred to my confidential report as "your situation" and mentioned that I was only looking for "informal advice" to that date. He said he was suprised that I was considering local laws above internal procedures and advised that should I decide to raise an internal grivience I should do it to my line management (people I actually reported), or, if I don't trust that they are genuinly able to help, I should raise it to the divisional manager (i.e. their line manager) - because senior managers "have willingness to find amicable solution to the situations like mine" (this is copy/paste). After 6 months of seeing psychiatrist and 6 months of antidepressives (for situational Generalised Anxiety Disorder), plus good news that I don't have thyroid cancer, I was finally able to laugh at how pathetic my working environment is. So I laughed at that email. Psychiatrist told me not to quit my job and to just wait/not react. At the end of the year I got good annual review and small bonus and everyone was sweet and friendly for few months 😂 Laughed at loud again. I'm still working with the same company. COVID and my mortgage delayed my plans to find a better environment. And, yes, the bully and 1 flying monkey got promoted by the same person I was supposed to report them:-)) Haven't heard a word from HR since. Sorry for long comment and my English, not my first language. An important thing: I am not the only employee who experienced harassment by the same manager and his pack. They comlained to their line managers, but nothing happened, different divisions, internal politics etc. One left, other ended up losing actual work to do so she had to find other job.

[@phoenix.]

Let me just add that 5 months had passed between my first report to HR and that last email, inbetween we had 2 calls. Internal mediation procedure can last beyond 6 months since it is in a discretion of the company. Local law sets duration for 1 week, exceptionally up to max 1 month. I just did not want them to chew me for months, if I decide to pursue official mediation.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@@phoenix. Glad things have turned out as they did and that you're in a position to decide your next steps rather than feel 'trapped'. Interesting that you say mediation can last beyond 6 months, that's an odd and long amount of time given that mediation usually involves one meeting with each person separately for perhaps up to 2 hours, then one, or at most 2 Joint Meetings between those involved, each lasting up to 3 hours. The time between those meetings can be perhaps a week or two but is often much less so at most a mediation process will, on average, only take around 4-6 weeks maximum and potentially less. Some mediations are 'crammed' into one day but this can lead to unnecessary pressure on those involved and doesn't really help the process, but 6 months is an extraordinary length of time. No problem re length of your comment - much appreciated and English not being your first language was not that obvious to be honest. Take care and thanks again for the comment and best wishes for the future.

[@phoenix.]

@@CommunicationandConflict Yep, it was 6 months at the time. They've recently changed wording of conditions of emloyment since then to, paraphrase: time limits for procedure, if regarded as warranted by senior mangers, may be varied by agreement where there is no conflict with local statutory procedure. Also updated document does not mention mediation, only investigation and disciplinary procedure, according to which a serious offence may end up with only oral warrning... etc. If the procedure is unclear, I guess it may be because it is meant to be unclear. Anyhow, just wanted to give words of support to anyone reading and suffering from harassment. It is a big and complex subject, thank you for covering it. All the best to you too!

[@sarahrichardson3452]

Great suff. Really sensible and helpful approach to dealing with 'bullying', though we are not going to call it that anymore!

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@Sarah Richardson - ideally not.....better to focus on discussing the particular issues and behaviour with a view to resolving them piece by piece and not get distracted into 'is it/isn't it' bullying and get stuck in that.

[@designatedblack9696]

Thank you. Investigations never work as it deals with after the fact.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@Designated Black yes, they have various flaws as an approach in relation to bullying allegations. Unlike harassment which can be proven through evidence, there's no clear 'definitiion' of bullying so there's not basis on which to assess it, nor can there be in my view, but also they don't support any re-establishment of the broken working relationship. But ultimately, looking at the reality of the situation....I've not ever seen a situation that has been conclusive and so everyone involved is left 'hanging' with no closure. That's incredibly destructive to any team or organisation's morale, stress levels and effectiveness. Thanks for the comment.

[@designatedblack9696]

@@CommunicationandConflict perhaps because the company is more invested in image than solutions.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@@designatedblack9696 Yep, in many it's 'too much of a distraction' or 'too overwhelming to deal with' for most managers. It's rarely part of a manager's job description or expected skillset to be able to help their team resolve conflict or to be particularly aware of their own communication/conflcit response skills, so it's one of those things that can become just 'costed in' to the daily running of the organisation. I guess in this video the point is as much targeted towards those wanting to pursue having an investigation as those who may be required to carry it out as I hope it means most people will pursue other aims that are self-supporting rather than bring 'all guns blazing' via a bullying claim and believe it will be conclusive if it comes down to 'proving bullying' has occurred. It won't, and if people who choose to do that, don't make contingencies for it not working, that focus more on what they want and supports them in their life first and foremost, they can get trapped into an incessant pursuit of 'winning' while they get worn out, stressed, family difficulties etc. So many people are still in a form of stress and despair years after pursuing a bullying claim because they went 'all in' for a win but no outcome arose that was conclusive but effectively lost their 'investment' as a consequence.

[@designatedblack9696]

@Communication and Conflict True. So true.

[@designatedblack9696]

@Communication and Conflict Do you know what is also an issue? That toxic coworkers will enlist other toxic coworkers to continue the bullying to isolate their target, allow abuse towards the target, and to block any potential upward mobility for the target. It is said that the strategy of "I" statements should help convey your message for their behavior to stop, but it doesn't stop. It gets worse. Then they (HR) say that you are to forgive them and try to work with them. The abuse is one way. The person(s) committing the abuse are not stable, as they can't even regulate themselves to stop abusing the target. Compassion goes to the toxic coworkers. And, it is harder for the target to document as the abuse comes from all sides. It's disgusting!

[@PBMS123]

Easy, have an unacceptable behaviour policy. Have a very clear set of procedures. 14:00 this conversation should take place at the earliest possible oppurtunity, ideally by the staff member that is alleging the behaviour. Setup a time to talk and point out the behaviours and their effect on you, and how it makes you feel. Bullying is a persistent and deliberate actions or words that are designed to distress the other person. Once the behaviour that is causing distress has been outlined to the other person, then they are if the behaviour continues then it is by definition repeated, and intentional, as the alleged bully is now aware of the behviour. If you're the one being bulled, best thing you can do is to create a diary, record the date and time and the action and what you felt, that way you that way you have record of the behaviour to the minute, and can show a pattern. It can also allow the person being bullied to have a verbatim record of what was said, so the other person can't say "I didn't say that" and be telling the truth technically. Ideally htey should start the diary well before giving a formal complaint

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@PBMS123 keeping a diary can be useful but in various areas of complaint they are rarely drawn upon and can become 'obsessive' actions, noting down every small item in the belief someone will read it and believe it and that 'the more there is the better'. The video refers to another video that points out how little a 'presenting evidence' approach works because the idea of bullying is so subjectively interpreted by both those involved and those who investigate, Most organisations will have an unacceptable behaviour policy whether by that name or a different name but it's the fact that they don't work to resolve bullying allegations that is the point here. Too often the immediate action is to move to a 'seeking evidence based 'proof and punish' approach rather than to support the staff in resolving the issue themselves. The conversation you mention needs to be between both / all involved so that a way of resolving things is created by them through that conversation. If instead used to 'formally state' the actions of the other it becomes impractical for anyone to continuously oversee whether they are repeated or not so is unlikely to happen. If the conversation is to resolve the issue by and between themselves they won't need to continuously keep a diary and refer to past statements to try to 'prove' something that happened was bullying. The issue is resolved in ways that they both see as working after having a 'robust' conversation with each other, whether supported by a manager or a mediator in doing so or not.

[@PBMS123]

@@CommunicationandConflict Yeah look I disagree with you. Your comments only apply in cases where you are assuming that there is no clear and apparent bullying going, i.e. no keeping a diary doesn't mean or suggest that "more is better" and to note every little thing. For someone who is actually being bullied they're going to be writting down actions that are repetitive and deliberate. And in most cases the behaviour itself generally would fall under unacceptable behaviour on its own, or even if it doesn't rise to that level in one instance due to what you call "subjectivity" the moment the victim tells the bully that X behaviour is not appreciated, is making the victim feel threatened/stressed/upset/angry etc. and they ask/tell them to stop, then that alone is it. I can only assume you've never actually been bullied as these are statements no victim would repeat. You appear to equating bullying with not getting along in the workplace. I as a manager want that diary from the person. And whenever a diary is suggested, or brought up even online, its generally made clear, you're recording the things that are upsetting or hurting you, not "every little thing" and become obsessive about it. Also record times you have spoken up against them and asked/told them to stop. providing specific times and dates. The diary is an attempt to remove the subjectivity of it, but also to remove the burden of a victim having to remember anything or when they're in your office crying and they know they're the victim of bullying but can't cant put forward when or what was said, that makes it difficult. Real bullying isn't as subjective as you seem to think it is. Calling someone names, insulting them, is not subjective, theres no subjective understanding from the other side that makes that appropriate, especially not if theyve been told to stop. "Thanks for coming in to see me. I'd like to talk to you about a number of incidents that have been brought my attention that are concerning, but I'd like to give you a chance to give me your side of things. .... Ok thanks for that, something I wanted to put to you and you tell me if this is true; that on X date you called Ashley a "fat dumb slut"; is this true? And do you recall that in the afternoon of that same day that Ashley came to you and told you that saying things like that were very hurtful, mean and not acceptable in the workplace and for you to stop? Oikay you do recall that good, now did you stop calling her names like that? No? So do you understand why that is unacceptable and bullying?" I don't think in this case there's subjective misunderstanding, there is very clearly bullying going The first step as a manager if someone comes to you for unacceptable behaviour (which bullying is apart of) is to get each persons side, if the victim comes to me with that diary with times of dates of specific behviour, as well as times and dates where a bully has been told by the victim to stop, because you bring these up with the other person while you work out whats gone on. Your suggestions only make sense when you apply your definition of just a bad workplace relationship where 2 people don't get on. Because telling someone who is being bullied that they should be made to sit down with their bully and compromise with them. Your suggestion is akin to a school principal making a bully and their victim apologise to each other

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@@PBMS123 Yep, there will be procedures carried out such as you suggest, but the starting point for this video and others in relation to this topic that I've done is that in the eyes of the law there is no 'bullying' going on as it is not legally defined. No one ever went to court and won a 'bullying' allegation. The usual outcome of any workplace bullying related case is when as a consequence of an allegation one or both people are kept separate and reallocated to a different role that is on a lesser pay grade than their usual job and in time they take the organisation to a tribunal for constructive dismissal, the bullying itself is not explored as there's no legal definition. In the eyes of the law it IS just a difficult workplace relationship. It only becomes illegal if it is discrimination / harassment. (Bullying is not the same as harassment even though the two are often stated as if they are the same thing, one is legally defined the other is not) So that isn't to say there aren't actions taking place that you or someone else may feel is/ define as 'bullying' but it can't be 'proven' to be so. Any investigative outcome will always be challengeable and this is the issue that people face in bringing an allegation. It can't end in an outcome where it is 'proven', it will usually just drag on until eventually someone leaves and the process is deemed inconclusive. In your description of where someone is called in and presented with the allegations of being called x y z....what is your next step if they say it didn't happen or if they say the other person said something just as abusive to them prior to what they were accused of and it turned into a slanging match? How is it that you take an 'objective' position as judge of what they tell you? If you are saying...correct me if I'm wrong...that having a diary 'proves' it happened....it doesn't, it simply means that one wrote something down, the other didn't....someone could write down anything they want to. This is why supporting both in resolving it between themselves is more effective as it doesn't rely on a third party making a judgement when that person wasn't present. it also reduces the perception that the manager/HR person is the mum/dad to two children who run to them to tell the other off. It's saying, you are both adults, you need to sort this out between and by yourselves. Of course they can bring it to you, but if you sit in judgement rather than expect and support them in resolving it by themselves you don't become a 'part' of the problem. Most progressing allegations of bullying involve one, and often both parties feeling that they've been unfairly judged by a manager or HR and the process you describe is very much at risk of that. Very often both parties will suggest they have been bullied and I'm not clear how you would deal with that common situation. I think that whether I feel I have been bullied in the past isn't pertinent as that would suggest an entirely subjective approach to the process. I'm talking about situations I've been involved in as a mediator where the most effective resolution has occurred when participants are supported in having a difficult discussion between themselves so that they create their own answers to the situation. Where nothing illegal is suggested such as harassment or even violence there can be no clear decision about whether 'bullying' has occurred or not whether one or both parties believe it to be so or not as there's no ultimate legal definition, unlike, of course, harassment and violence where, if these were alleged it wouldn't be your job to deal with anyway, it would require a legal process.

[@CB19087]

I has some bloke harrass me for 3months at work. The only reason he got sacked was because I pretended to record him driving a vehicle at me. He obviously thought it was a real recording and admitted doing it. The direction he was driving was against company policy. So he was sacked for gross misconduct. It's always worth pretending to record things, especially in a one to one situation. I don't know the laws on taking real footage though, so be careful there

[@Cobra427Veight]

Watch out for mediation , all they want is to BUY YOU OFF for a pitiful sum to shut you up with a signed contract, to save their ass .been there .

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@Cobra427Veight - sounds more like a settlement conference between lawyers, not mediation. That's never been an outcome of any mediation I've done. The purpose of the mediation I'm involved in is about helping people in dispute at work to resolve and improve their working relationship, not to 'buy off' anyone. Sounds more like a legal negotiation post leaving an organisation or when in the process of doing so. That's not the kind of mediation referred to here.

[@yarazard]

Actually, you can define bullying.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@yarazard yes, anyone can define bullying, there are many definitions to be found in various places particularly online but they are not the same. The legal definition of harassment gives a clear benchmark by which to assess whether it has happened or not, but no legal definitions exist for bullying and are unlikely to be created. This means that the experience remains subjective from all sides and so the pursuit of 'proving' its existence uses up time and energy that doesn't reach a conclusion while breaking down the actions felt to be of concern means these can be dealt with individually. The focus is on what happened that was upsetting rather than trying to attach a label to the person accused. In many bullying allegation situations there are counter allegations and so the attempt to 'prove' that one person is and the other is not is even more futile. Focusing not on the person but on the actions taken means they can be reviewed, discussed and a different way forward can be created for the future that works for both.

[@elijanasugianto8681]

How about the bullying coming from the subordinate to manager because the subordinate got support from the 2 level up manager? And the subordinate put false accusations such as bullying to the manager.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

Hi @elijanasugianto8681 ....so as the video describes, it's the focus on proving 'bullying' that holds everything up. Focusing on what's happened and resolving that rather than trying to prove or disprove bullying is a far more effective approach. Check through the video for more of what it is saying. Even if someone feels 'bullied' by another person, whatever level or role they have, to try to prove they are being bullied is not likely to get anywhere, but dealing with the specific actions and supporting those involved to work it out together is a far more effective approach....and again I'd say see the video through to see more of what I'm saying. Thanks for the comment.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

Hi @elijanasugianto8681 I've just re-read your comment and perhaps could say more than just what I said below. It is a common but often unrecognised situation where a manager feels bullied by a team member or subordinate. While it's not as recognised, the points within the video still apply as I'm speaking about the idea of 'bullying' whoever it is that is accused and whoever it is who accuses.

[@CB19087]

You say that, but what if the other person is an abusive, manipulative character? 25:43

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@CB19087 I'm not clear what you're asking. What if that is how you see them? The videos about people resolving bullying allegations which are unlikely to be resolved by investigation and/or by a manager trying to fix the situation, it's about expecting and supporting those involved to fix it themselves because it's their relationship issue.

[@robertwilson7736]

To me its all bullying right from the job centre your forced to go somewhere for their good then you go to the job I was pushed about by people for their good am just better off living on benefits

[@elijanasugianto8681]

What is the sample action of bullying and harassment?

[@mcdonaldg2908]

What if ut took place.. Just the employer is denying it.. But took place bullying is sarcasm..

[@CommunicationandConflict]

Hi McDonald, the point is that while you may describe it as bullying you are unlikely to prove it is as there are no clear definitions of what bullying is that can be effectively used to investigate. So 'accusing' the employer of bullying isn't likely to work. However whatever it is that the employer has done can be addressed directly, so depending on what the behaviour is that you are saying is bullying then deal with that directly rather than try to 'prove it's bullying' first of all. It's difficult to answer fully without knowing what you mean but whatever, specifically, it is you have experienced then dealing with that directly rather than trying to prove it's bullying first is a more effective way forward. But as I say, it's difficult to answer fully without knowing what you are saying is 'bullying'. The video and others on the same topic I've done show why it's not helpful for the situation to try to 'prove' it's bullying but instead to focus on just dealing with the specific behaviour that is the problem.

[@billetbarra6069]

The people who raise bullying complaints are absolute losers! They should never had been employed in the first place.

[@CommunicationandConflict]

@billietbarra6069 I don't see it as being about the individuals involved, it's more the system provided and the approach expected that is ineffective. Often when difficulties arise in workplaces people are told to either make a complaint to HR or shut up and that 'blunt instrument' inevitably doesn't work as it either suppresses all discussion or escalates it beyond where it has to go and immediately moves to an adversarial process that prevents attempts at resolution by keeping people apart. In between all that can be, but often is missing, is an effective support process for those directly involved to deal with it and work it out between themselves. That leads to a far more useful outcome than either of the others and saves loads of cash, time and other resources in the bargain.