Living With an ASD Partner: The Neurotypical Wife's Grief Cycle

[@markhutten]

--- Online Group Therapy for ND Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for NT Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/

[@gotobassmsn]

She has expectations, going into this relationship. And when you don't meet these expectations, she then tells you that the Holy Spirit told me the reason that He put her in my life was to teach me how to be a Christian. Sounds to me that her narcissistic personality was hiding, until she got with me, who has aspergers. I want to know why she can't just let me be who I am in Jesus. And let Jesus be the one to help me to change in the areas He needs me to change in. Sounds very narcissistic control to me. Your thoughts please, Mark?

[@gotobassmsn]

Maybe she has mindblindness, because she came into the relationship with expectations. And because these expectation aren't being met, she tells me that I'm not working to make this relationship work. And putting all the problems this relationship is having on the man, because our relationship problems are do to his aspergers. And that's not right. I did try to call her out on the narcissistic abuse that she has been displaying these last several year. And how she needs to own up to our marital problems maybe one sided. Because you are in denial that she could possibly be why we are having marital problems, become she has become a narcissist.

[@JJSolitude]

Yep! I've come to the conclusion that what's better for him and for me, is to find my happiness and emotional intimacty through friendships and nurturing myself. I no longer make vacation plans because the pain is much more prevalent if I'm pulled away from my tools I use to nurture myself, and he seems to withraw more out of his routine.

[@JJSolitude]

@@rebeccatrono3376 It is very lonely. I feel a sense of relief from the loneliness as I get older. I'm 63 now and feel I have much less need for the touch/feel stuff and more appreciating someone growing old with me. I'm learning how to nurture myself now. That's so new to me, I don't even know what I want to do!

[@purplegrace9460]

@@JJSolitude Good point…I’m 63 as well and feel exactly the same way about the touchy feeling stuff now. You just helped me tremendously with my emotions today. Thank you!

[@gotobassmsn]

What if the Aspie husband isn't the problem maybe it's the nuerotypical wife that is the problem. And she, become narcissistic, in the fact that she tries to place th blame on me that I need to change. When in reality she has twisted in her thought process of what reality is. And I try to politely show her what the true reality of the situation is. And she argues that it's not. And uses my aspergers as an excuse to try to tell me how something really is. And she also has an issue of not remembering something I said. And then calling me a lier. When I did say that. How do you have a relationship with a wife with nuerotypical narcissist syndrome?

[@klararaw9860]

duuh, dont fool yourself

[@deb9ragorton742]

What if you're the wife being told for decades that you're an insane narcissist and you'd rather not wake up in the morning.

[@Playlist4213]

I hear you here, but you might not actually understand that your reality, and her reality, are both valid, but different. I've had the same issues in communication with my partner. We both see things a certain way and our reality of the situation was so biased that we couldn't understand the other's wants/needs and perspectives at all. We both WANTED healthy communication and intimacy and for things to work, but we didn't realize our different communication styles were severely and negatively affecting each other. Once we started learning to understand each other and empathise better, things started to improve. If she's crying again and again that there's a problem, and you don't see it, or see her as the problem and don't see your role in the solution, it could just be an issue of neither of you fully understanding how to effectively communicate your needs, EVEN if you think you're being very, very clear. I've been there, on both sides. He thought he was being logical and clear, and that I was the problem, and I thought the same thing, because we weren't able to connect and empathise with each other over our differences; we'd just get hurt and try to solve problems the only way we know how. (Me, with confronting it directly and communicating clearly to talk out a problem, him with trying to avoid pain and conflict by avoiding a problem, so the problems only escalate because we were, for a very long time, inadvertently hurting each other by accident. It's easy to point to 'narcissism' and blame the other for not understanding or empathizing with your point of view, but it might not be accurate. If you're in an unhealty or toxic relationship, a lot needs to be figured out and analyzed, but if you're both trying to make it better and failing to understand each other, it could just be that you don't know how to communicate even if you think what you're doing is the 'right' thing. She probably thinks the same thing, in that case. It's hard sometimes to really respect, learn to connect, and listen to each other, but it can save these kinds of troublesome dynamics. At the same time, there are certainly toxic people out there, or people who are simply toxic 'for us' without meaning to be, so if you're in a toxic and unhappy relationship for whatever reason, it could be best to really get that figured out so you can either have a healthier and happier time together, or to part ways if you really can't come to a healthy life dynamic and understanding of each other, and how to move forward. We're both neurodivergent, btw, in this case.

[@JohnTheRevelator11]

@@Playlist4213I agree w your sentiments and progression of ideas. Me and mine are both neurodivergent (found out) and it really helps to understand we both have our work to do and then we are able to empathize w the other in a whole new level. Thanks for your amazing and detailed expression of the circumstance.

[@Playlist4213]

@@JohnTheRevelator11 Aw, thank you, I appreciate the kind feedback! Glad to hear you're finding solutions that are helping. :)