Why Your ASD Partner Blames You For The Relationship Problems

[@pamelalawrence1425]

My husband is constantly Blame Shifting Not taking responsibility for his actions I personally can’t deal with it any longer

[@vegangoddess9019]

He tells me to stop blaming him while he is the one blaming me for blaming him. He will say stuff like: “stop blaming me”, stop being upset at me” or “stop picking a fight”. It is hard to have a normal grownup conversation like that. Feels very distractive and even toxic 😤

[@martierenville6592]

Exactly!

[@bereajohnson8906]

🤕🤕Exactly 💯

[@diepiriye]

Yes! I have spent way too much energy feeling confused when my Aspie husband blames me for EVERYTHING in his way, including me. He has no idea how hurtful that can be, even when I give him the chance to explain. This channel is RIGHT. The Aspie is totally unlikely to change, and so it is US who must decide what to do.

[@Sunrisesunset13]

The same here!!😔

[@Sunrisesunset13]

@@diepiriye you are right!! Thuis is the best channel ever on this issue!! I feel so much released!!

[@ElizabethDartt-qd2wm]

Sometimes being blamed for everything can break your heart. Its contrary to love, marriage and empathy.

[@aghia5709]

Yup, asd ppl died every single day

[@fredhubbard7210]

If you are an NT and this happens to you--it's intimate partner abuse (IPA). It does not matter if the abuser is ASD, NPD, BPB, abuse is abuse because it doesn't matter whether the abuser means well, is unable to change. If you are in this type of abusive relationship, just get out. You are not responsible to protect an ASD partner just because they don't know what they are abusing you. If you get buried in an avalanche, it doesn't matter whether the bad info came from an ASD or NT. No one needs to take this gaslighting. If you are blamed for everything... leave the relationship!!!!

[@foxiefair123]

Exactly. That’s why I moved out of my living situation with a roommate who claimed to be autistic. I say claimed because I’m wondering if she is just using that to manipulate. She has a billion other things that she says is wrong with her, and I don’t know if she was being honest or not.

[@MichelleY2828]

I think my husband is more than ASD. Likely even narcissist as I have been chased out by him many times until I can’t take it anymore. I have finally moved out. Enough is enough! It’s totally abuse. I got blamed, challenged & insulted.I have two friends whose husband were also Asperger. Never came across any who could be so cruel to chase their spouse out especially i have moved with him to his country. Thank god I had a job and not relying on him. I have some my part. Can’t be bullied & abused like that!

[@fredhubbard7210]

@@MichelleY2828 It can be very hard to tell ASD from NPD. I see no reason why it can't be a little of both--in a tragic feedback loop. I left because of the abuse. Tried to figure later--still have no idea. A lack of empathy seems to be at the core of both.

[@amytrottier8836]

BULLSEYE!

[@THELIONESS06492]

Spot on. Always gaslighting, degrading me, and undermining my choices. to the point where there was way too much tit for tat. He constantly compared me to his mother saying "we don't do it that way". Our home even looked just like his parent's house. He was manipulative that way. He was quirky when we dated and engaged but it got toxic after marriage. I feel I didn't understand him though suggested many times to seek help for his debilitating anxiety attacks. He made my life miserable and created a toxic environment that forced me to seek a divorce. He said to me many times "when we get divorced". That broke my heart because I was happy though had to walk pins and needles around him most of the time. We had good moments and I was no saint. I understand he suffered his entire life with adversity to certain food and touch. I was heartbroken for a long time after the divorce but it was a blessing in disguise. Live and learn.

[@katyasaniwell]

That sounds like he had some narcissistic traits on top of his ASD. Although my partner is very bad in being responsible, he at least leaves me and my choices in peace.

[@tinaferr]

Holy crap what a baby. Mothers spoiling their sons might be just as destructive as boys growing up without a father.

[@countryballspredicciones5184]

Bro, that’s not autism but narcissism.

[@tmdavidson1478]

How does theory of mind explain their ability to behave like neurotypical persons until you are deeply committed to the relationship? How are they able to justify lying to you about who and what they are?

[@whoiamhowilive2746]

@@asmrmetalman1061 can you tell me what you mean, give me information. I'd be so appreciative. 🙏🏼

[@cindyp2181]

Some say they aren't being a narcissist, but i don't fully agree. They mimic because they are selfish and want what they want--it is manipulation to get what they want, which is indeed narcissistic.They don't want to be alone. They want to fit in. They want a family. They want to be like everyone else. So they LIE and FAKE and MANIPULATE to save their sorry asses. That, is the height of selfish narcissism in my book! And theory of mind or not "getting it"? Well what they DO get is that they always want to be comfortable or right and never have to apologize or humble themselves to even those closest to them. That is again, the height of selfish narcissism. They are self-preserving at all costs, even relationships. Why? Because they don't want to feel bad or wrong or guilty or whatever negative feeling involved. So they manipulate the facts and rewrite history and gaslight and blameshift, etc., etc. I think it is almost impossible to distinguish the condition of autism from narcissism. Maybe the only difference is that the true 100% narcissist gets an actual thrill from seeing you hurt and the ASD person just doesn't care or notice that you hurt. But.... both will make you hurt because they are SELFISH. Period.

[@FritaPainto-nv3he]

I could be wrong but it may have something to do with masking and then unmasking.. maybe not. It could just be manipulative behavior. If they put no effort into the relationship they may not actually want it... just my guess.

[@eyskelutzweiler125]

Maybe at the beginning of the relationship you are his new special interest. And maybe masking.

[@TheonewhomJesusloves895]

Thank you!!

[@passinthru4788]

I assign the blaming onto the spouse as SCAPEGOATING responsibility for inadequacies. It’s psychological damaging and spiritually destructive. “A double minded man is unstable, above all things, you can’t reason with him” “don’t be unevenly yoked” are best advice in these situations from the Word of God.

[@jimmybeee5]

5 minutes ago I was just trying to tell my nt wife that a current conflict is all her fault. Thankfully we both know that it is not. Just me not looking forward to an upcoming social event with an adequate amount of glee.

[@abbymartin554]

So Jim, the thing that triggered the blame and disagreement with your wife was because you had anxiety about an upcoming social event? If that’s it, I totally understand this. It’s good that you are here in this forum and recognizing your triggers.

[@genc5436]

When your wife eventually leaves you, remember this moment. What you did was hateful and citing your anxiety is just an excuse for you to further abuse.

[@jimmybeee5]

​​@@genc5436 WOW, have you any more predictions? Thank you for you suggestion that I look back on this moment when I inflicted "hateful abuse" on my wife, thus causing her to leave me. Your insight into our relationship and my behavior is amazing. Good luck with your own!

[@genc5436]

@@jimmybeee5it’s the truth. You have an 80% divorce rate. Abuse is abuse. Just because you want to gloss over your abuse and make excuses for it doesn’t make it any less of what it is.

[@vegangoddess9019]

Not only they will make you the problem, If you bring an issue they will translate it to you being miserable. You will try to explain to them that just because there is an issue it doesn’t mean being miserable. It’s very black/white thinking and it is hard to convince them otherwise. The issues you will bring to them means: you are complaining or being miserable. Why you even bringing it up to begin with. It’s confusing and exhausting.

[@erikasmith8894]

You just described my situation to a tee! It's exhausting and I'm at a loss what to do.

[@lnaph]

@@erikasmith8894 pretty sure they are blind, and nothing thousands can help them see.... idk

[@keekachino]

Wow. My aspie partner feels like I am defining him when I naturally engage theory of mind. He says I am telling him how he thinks and feels. From this video, I can understand how theory of mind could make him feel that way. Across from his protest I say, "I'm basing my thoughts and feelings off of the things you say, the way you say it, and what you do!". I've felt crazy. He is very sensitive to "assumption". This is one of his main reasons that I am "abusing" him.

[@amytrottier8836]

He accuses me of his negative behavior! It’s maddening!

[@jazzcabbage9370]

I (ASD female) have caught me doing similar a lot. The only thing that allows me to deal with this is that I've decided just to trust my fiance when this occurs, if I don't, i'll get stuck in a loop. Sometimes he has to break me out of the loop with physical actions (sounds abusive, but I don't mean hitting) e.g he'll try to make me laugh or force me to laugh.

[@henryrocks4234]

I've always thought that my wife doesn't "Care" about an "action's" intention, only the outcome, and I had no idea it's been researched to such depth! Thank you, Mark. I'll show this to her to try and understand me better. She blames me for 90% or even 100% of our arguments.

[@jeffwalsh3591]

Tell her to pay close attention to when those situations happen. Tell her to look for patterns she can use to associate with these scenarios. When she starts to see the patterns she will be aware enough to atleast start asking questions about the conversations.

[@lorenamares1427]

Excellent. I find that blaming others is a human instinct, yet I do see why and how this is more instinctively a recurring challenge for Asperger males in relationships. I have worked in the past with teen boys mainly, and can see how their brain might be wired differently.

[@RodneyBrown]

In my relationship it’s always my fault as the neurotypical. Anytime problems come up she does her thing about the brain working differently and is never the reason for lack of communication. She only wants material to Point out what she needs and wants, but does not care about my needs

[@rdormer]

Yup. It's always my fault. Even if it's something she said or did, well...she only said or did that because of something I said or did. It's *always* my fault.

[@caramelfrappuccino234]

Great content. Thank you. This is helping me understand my husband. I had no idea. He is undiagnosed.

[@markhutten]

You are so welcome!

[@rumblejungle5590]

The example for a relative bias towards outcome-based thinking is representative. Just one way ASD individuals are not logical. Tired of how their thinking is euphemistically described as logical.

[@sailingvesseleucalyptus8156]

Their thinking is almost always illogical.I have lived with this for 20 years.

[@bereajohnson8906]

This part!!!💯💯💯👏🏾🔥

[@bereajohnson8906]

@@Alphacentauri819 Yessss!!!! 💯💯👏🏾📣📣

[@deb9ragorton742]

It's heartbreaking. Shattering. Not worth it. Get out.

[@salrc8352]

Agreed

[@katyasaniwell]

Since my partner was visited by our spiritual friends from overseas, I was told there is something unhealed in me, because I can't just shrug of a complete temper tantrum happening 2-5 times per week you can hear 3 houses down our street every time he can't figure out something on the computer, can't find his car keys or has a mishap doing any kind of fiddly repair work. He screams at the thing that goes wrong half expecting that this would change the outcome. He can't find a a snippet wrong with this behaviour as he claims it's unhealthy to suppress one's emotions. We got thrown out of a shared living arrangement because of it, once and the wife of our neighbour refuses to come over to borrow sugar on her own. I sometimes feel like living with a 10 year old. We want to seperate, but are lacking the money for now, because I got chronically ill and can't work a normal job.

[@kattalady8114]

I too am chronically ill. And on SSI. Trapped. Mine doesn't have the tantrums but his thing is to give zero emotional support. No emotional reactions and no taking responsibility for emotional neglect. I stay angry with no closure.

[@katyasaniwell]

@@kattalady8114 I'm sorry to hear that. Just some advise: don't expect any closure coming from anyone but yourself. You need to find closure within yourself and find a way out of he situation. I now see it as him being mentally ill and I can't fix him. I can only fix myself.

[@ducky1115]

No I suffer hes fine

[@infiniLor]

Exactly. Always.

[@tnix80]

I seriously doubt he's fine

[@Angelina-gz9wr]

THIS 🧠 Makes total sense.

[@ericbondo1186]

Any groups for Neurotypical men in a relationship with an asperger woman?

[@willek1335]

I'm in the same boat. Do you got Discord?

[@foxiefair123]

I’m listening to this to make sense of a situation with a roommate who claims to be autistic. I moved out but I still want to understand this if I can. I’m not even sure if she’s really autistic or if I’m really neurotypical myself, so it’s going to get interesting.

[@markhutten]

ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html Parenting resources: --- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/ --- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/ --- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/ --- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/ --- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/ --- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/ --- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html

[@carlosbushm]

Hey mark et al, If I were to show mybaspie gfreind all of these jewels of info...would she understand and drop the emotional reciprocity war she has made with me because of her Asperger's? And more importantly :What should I expect from her on this? Thanks a lot

[@Tara_thatonegirl]

Fascinating research

[@michelleanne1547]

Spot on!

[@Jhohamm]

He did before but understands now that it’s on him and because the ASD

[@vava8545]

Any solution or strategies to make life bearable for the NT????

[@markhutten]

I have groups...

[@yossarianmnichols9641]

Good subject, I think this issue goes beyond Aspies. Seems like a universal problem.

[@markhutten]

Could be

[@lnaph]

It presents similarly to people with narcissistic tendencies... as they lack empathy and theory of mind...as well as are generally unable to take responsibility for conflict.

[@donnahilton471]

You're saying he's a narcissist....

[@SuperMissblueeyes]

It is common for people to assume that someone who is on the autism spectrum, but undiagnosed, is a narcissist because their behaviour shares traits with narcissism. One huge difference is that the narcissist is hyperaware of their ability to control & manipulate a person, whereas a person on the autism spectrum is totally unaware of how their behaviour is affecting other people, how it's making other people feel & how other people think differently to them.

[@Siquomb1]

@@SuperMissblueeyes is it also true that only narcissists premeditate cruel acts towards others?

[@LiveAndLetLive2024]

@@SuperMissblueeyes Okay I have a question for you. What if a person is autistic but was raised by legit narcissists and he has yet to be diagnosed. Is there a chance he is a conditioned narcissist and just needs help? He has strung me along for 4 years. I am DIAGNOSED autistic, but because of his selfishness I have been through trauma and physical hell just so he can manage his life and I need to be set free. I just can't tell who he really is.

[@SuperMissblueeyes]

@@Siquomb1 Psychopaths & sociopaths will do this too. Also, if a person has been raised by narcissists or they have been abused in some other way, they're likely to display the same sort of behaviour. However, in this case, it is possible for them to unlearn these patterns of behaviour.

[@SuperMissblueeyes]

@@LiveAndLetLive2024 There is a chance, but since you've been diagnosed, I would say that you're not a narcissist. Also, another thing that tells me you're totally not a narcissist is that you're asking if you could be. A narcissist wouldn't even consider that they could be a narcissist. They will deny, deny, deny anything & everything, & blame others at all costs. I can also understand you not wanting to tell me who this person is & I respect that. I would say to get yourself a good support network & get away from that person. It won't be easy, but for your own welfare, you need to get away. A good start would be to contact a local autism organisation. They can signpost you to plenty of resources. Unfortunately, being in the UK, I wouldn't know who to recommend if you're in the US.

[@erindover6617]

Thanks!

[@markhutten]

You bet!

[@rnbsteenstar]

Have I done this to potential partners?

[@a.r.8954]

I'm an ASD woman as well and we tend to express less of the narcissist-appearing traits of the ASD male in interpersonal relationships by adulthood. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you've noticed, there is far less data out there for us, as female ASD can have a very different presentation and manifestation to the default male model. For example, we 'mask' our autistic traits in social situations more effectively, which does have a benefit in relationships, however there are costs----we tend to have more insecure identities, self-esteem, and higher levels of anxiety. My hypothesis on why we tend to not be as 'toxic' as the male partners with ASD described in this video, is simply that we're socialized not to be allowed to be. Our autistic traits receive so much early negative feedback that we start 'masking' very early. Little girls learn fast that we're not 'allowed' to be dicks (lol) to other people without serious social consequences like bullying and ostracization. It's an unpopular opinion, but being able to be in relationships and be kind of a douche to your wife and still be considered 'normal(ish)' is a bit of a male privilege. Not to say that life as a male ASD is a walk in the park, but these differences are definitely real and require more research and understanding. Can you imagine an NT man sticking around for very long if their female ASD partner did half of the things described in this video?

[@carlosbushm]

As an.nt male or female,.if you are assertive, you will NEVER stay in a relationship that is not empathic and reciprocal. We shouldn't have to pay the price of your aspie 'gift' to the world ...

[@AR-lz2br]

@@carlosbushm 100% Correct. Aspies are a different species and they should relationship with other Aspies. No need to make a NT's life miserable.

[@mgd6087]

@@carlosbushm What price do they pay to live in ours? What makes ours the only way?

[@llarmstrong783]

@@carlosbushm if you are so empathetic, try to understand how hard it is for Aspies in an NT world

[@jamisonlamkin5576]

Actually describe my last relationship. She has ASD as well, although I'm undiagnosed but feel like I'm on the specturm. I blame her and she blames me.

[@DeniseC84]

My now ex said to me when he was annoyed that i hide behind my autism. My way of getting out of thing's.

[@aaacomp1]

NT's love to point fingers but never remember their own terrible behavior/mistakes.

[@a.graham3160]

By the time non NT’s are confronted with your behaviors I’m sure all bets are off by then! All we remember is the pain you are causing that we didn’t ask for!

[@genc5436]

ASD people like ignore their horrible abusive hateful behaviors and blame other people for them. They further like to hide behind their diagnosis and blame others or make excuses when called out.

[@baph0met]

​@@genc5436Yeah, in the same way people born with no legs make excuses to not run. When will you ableistic heartless people realize that people with ASD are literally missing, literally psychologicaly and medicaly proven to be missing parts of the brain. It's a disorder goddamit, that's like saying a person with low IQ should just try harder and become more inteligent. It's not their fault, so stop blaming them for it, if you don't like that don't date people with disorders.

[@NoFajnieFajnie]

@@a.graham3160 omg yes. I might not remember conversations, details, but I remember how a converstation made me feel.

[@shamanmermaidblackdragon]

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