Why Your Partner with ASD "Drifts Away" from the Relationship Over the Years

Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
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--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
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Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/

[@Maliilse75]

"emotional reciprocity that she is starved for at this point..." Wow. Yes. Emotional reciprocity lacks big time! That's why it feels so lonely.

[@Maliilse75]

@Jefparkn Thank you for writing that falling in love is very stressful for him. A lonely married man who displays strong AS symptoms (lack of empathy, mind blindness, isolation etc.) has recently admitted he had a crush on me. He seemed so anxious when I said I felt the same. And so relieved and even turned on when I said we should stop talking to each other because of his marital status. He looked like he wanted to kiss me and I didnt understand why he didnt look sad. The wife suffers from Crohn disease and is living in a different province away from him since covid broke out. I suspect she is exhausted of having a man child in her life and I feel empathy for Her as Ive suffered in relationships with aspies before.

[@gaylynnsamson5569]

Same here so lonely

[@celticrose2]

Same here. True story here.

[@MsSeachell67]

​@@Maliilse75 Probably has the disease because of the damage the relationship has done to her. Especially as we know unexpressed emotions will find an outlet one way or another.

[@schnookyface]

Makes sense. They deny deny deny, nothing is ever their fault, nothing is ever fixed and its always the NTs fault for being upset about it.

[@tarekyoungapelian4542]

Now that I watched the video, it seems everyone here is missing the crucial point discussed in the video: the more a non-autistic partner feels let down by their autistic partner, they get angrier, but because that increases the stress of the autistic partner, that only drives the partner further away. I have definitely experienced this cycle with my own husband, and as I said previously, we both have Aspergers! But, exactly as the video states, it all depends on the attitude of the person with issues taking responsibility or not. That’s it. Like literally anyone, autistic or not, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Not everyone who is autistic stays completely clueless of their own problems and is in denial. Many, many of us do what he said in the first option; we acknowledge that we have some issues that need to be addressed relating in our relationship and get some guidance! He said it as well, every single man he met with ASD wanted to make their spouse happy, but they just didn’t know what to do. I do have to say, I’m wondering if this is a generational issue. I’m about 30 years old, and most people around my age are more able to deal with the concept of being autistic. I find that people who are in their 50’s are very resistant to admitting to being autistic as they were raised with even more stigma around such a label. I think it frequently makes them much more resistant to identifying the issue and seeking help for it.

[@LatverianBuffoon]

Spot on, brother! How to wind back and NOT trigger the anxieties...that seems to be the minefield.

[@CaToRi-]

People older than 50 are more resistant because of some reasons: first that condition didn’t exist in the 60s or 70s, second on those days, having a condition automatically excludes you from the social groups and people don’t like to feel excluded. Even now that most people knows about this condition, they still don’t want to accept it because there is a lot of fear from many years from the past living with a different set of rules. Third, accepting in your 50s that all the problems and misunderstandings that you suffered through your life are because of a condition that you didn’t know or you could not control makes you feel frustrated like you wasted all those years and you couldn’t go back in time to fix it.

[@tarekyoungapelian4542]

@@LatverianBuffoon Thank you! I saw your comments on my other post in regards to this subject & they really resonated with me as well.

[@CatherineSTodd]

Tarek wrote "But, exactly as the video states, it all depends on the attitude of the person with issues taking responsibility or not. That’s it." Thank You Tarek! My Asperger's husband has not taken responsibility for ONE SINGLE THING in the 40 years I have lived with him. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT, until I was literally suicidal every single day. I am only now coming back to life after three years of separation, but his destructiveness, blame and revenge tactics are coming to the fore since he knows I am preparing to divorce him and nothing he does, none of his lies, manipulations or gaslighting is going to work anymore and he can't stand it. "He said it as well, every single man he met with ASD wanted to make their spouse happy, but they just didn’t know what to do" is unfortunately NOT true with my husband. Quite the opposite is true. He is a sadist who ENJOYED causing me pain... I felt like a butterfly or a house fly that was pinned to a board while he pulled off my wings. And he must have enjoyed it, as he would never stop doing it. Anytime I got "healthy" he would make sure to destroy me and weaken me and make me sick all over again. It was as if he was poisoning my food. So that is one area that I definitely cannot agree with. But lots in the video does hold true, and you are right about the stigma for the older generation (from which I come) - so glad that Autism and Aspergers, Narcissism and more are coming to be recognized and hopefully one day dealt with. At least now we spouses are not expected to have to stay married and destroyed along with them, or as in my case, BY them! I would urge women to think carefully before having children in these kinds of relationships, as these disorders (or whatever you want to call them) DO get passed on down to the children, as they are genetic, and no amount of "counseling" or "therapy" is going to change it. If I had known before, I would never have had children with mine as my son turned out the exact same way, and I have seen the same in the children of my siblings who married these kind of men. So glad to know there are people like you, Tarek, out there. Gives hope to us all and we need many more just like you!

[@tarekyoungapelian4542]

@@CatherineSTodd Sadly, it sounds as if your husband falls into the the comorbid Aspergers AND Narcissistic personality disorder category, not just Aspergers. I believe that’s where the mismatch is of my comment that most men who just have Aspergers are not in any way trying to harm their partners & just want to do better. Of course someone also (or only) struggling with the pathology of NPD is going to be a lot more prone to manipulative & even sadistic behaviors, though tbh sadistic behavior verges more on anti-social personality disorder behavior. Long story short on my views on these issues, I believe a lot of older men with Aspergers also develop co-morbid personalities disorders such as NPD & BPD due to the stigma & trauma they endure surrounding their Aspergers/ASD. Personal experience & extensive research on these subjects has shown me that this is the case.

[@faithevolution552]

Everything you've just said is the truth. You've just helped me screw my head back on straight after 35 years of pure insanity and heartache. I'm relieved, after 35 unhappy years, I'm so relieved and deeply grateful for your insight. You've changed my life. Thank you

[@CatherineSTodd]

Faith wrote: "... 35 years of pure insanity and heartache." AMEN! I know exactly what you mean. I have only now "escaped" from 40 years of living in a Crazy House. Feels like I've been LET OUT OF JAIL.

[@lesliemontagne6797]

42 years, same here ….Mark is right, I’m very physically affected.

[@berenicehickey9755]

So true, 35 years for me....

[@lovely7464]

Im scared.. Probably should exit early on.

[@marionhowells5364]

I choose ….. I choose to see what I loved at the beginning . I choose to walk away temporarily for an hour or two and be with other friends and family and come back refreshed . I choose to keep learning about this complicated sometimes difficult man I love ( for 22 years) . I choose to take the rough with the smooth . When I choose I am not a victim . Love to all ❤

[@CaToRi-]

I think the key here is what this video says and others too: while you are a novelty, he will pay attention to you but once you are not a novelty anymore, he will return to his SPECIAL INTEREST. So the special interest is his real long lasting love, not the wife or girlfriend. So we, the aspergers partners will be “first” at the beginning and then become “second” forever. This is an impasse. My advise to single woman is to be ok accepting that this is going to happen if you decide to go on with an aspie and don’t expect something different. If you are not ok with this, just keep walking... This video perfectly explained everything that happened in my life, including the autoimmune conditions.... oh God, this sucks 😞 Is like the song Killing Me Softly

[@michellemyers4043]

Me too...killing me after 20 years with autoimmune issues too.

[@CaToRi-]

@@michellemyers4043 - yes, and the shit of autoimmune disorders is that is hard to control them and much harder (almost impossible) to reverse the damage done

[@getyouraskinshape1882]

@@michellemyers4043 funny... I have Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism and his lack of interest in me since the novelty has worn off seems to exacerbate my condition.

[@CaToRi-]

@@getyouraskinshape1882 - please please don’t let autoimmune conditions to grow. Try natural immune modulators and please don’t give up on your interests and friends. In my case, many health problems escalated and my thyroid was removed 10 years ago and I miss it every day because your body and personality will not going ti be the same anymore.

[@ejeanwang7614]

That's exactly what happened to me.

[@alexandramarie4269]

This video had me crying when I was out on my daily jog. I’ve finally heard exactly what has happened in my life; and why. I would do anything to have a 1:1 help session for my AS husband and me (NT) I’m struggling and need your help- and judging by your videos- if anyone could help us it’s you. Thank you for these videos. It means so much more than you could ever know.

[@bbethelful]

He absolutely is describing my 34 year marriage struggles. I am beyond frustrated and lonely and yes bitterness has played a role in our non relationship at this point . I’m so grateful to finally hear someone be able to explain our struggles . I have felt no one understands me . I have joined his next group therapy for NT wives and also on a wait list for one in one couples counseling.

[@mathelogical2563]

I dont believe in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells with your spouse.. just don't date someone who clearly has Autistic traits.. I am ASD/ADHD and I regret hurting my ex of 8 years.. I've done too much damage by running 4x for months and she took me back every time.. now I am on a mission to correct my issues but at the same time.. I will never hurt another NT woman again.. I need a woman who is more like me.. someone more on the lines of an ADHD woman.

[@danieller3215]

@@mathelogical2563 As an ADHD woman who is with an ASD spouse, for ex. the non emotional reciprocity among some other ASD traits is just as hurtful as if I were a neurotypical. Perhaps finding a woman who understands is best and is a ninja in reading up on ASD and ADHD and applying what she learned. I love my smart and kind ASD spouse and as much as he can't help the way he sometimes comes off, I love him very much. Sorry your relationship didn't work out you will absolutely find someone who understands!

[@CatherineSTodd]

Sorry, Alexandra, it's highly doubtful that ANYTHING can change the way people were born. I wish I had "stayed friends" and found a real partner in life, someone ABLE to be a PARTNER. If only I had known what I know now... Good luck and let us know how you are doing. Hugs!

[@lesliemontagne6797]

My husband had absolutely no special or problematic traits when I met him. How was I to know he has Asperger’s and ADHD? 10 years into the marriage are when the first red flags showed up

[@cdcdogs4961]

♦️When my AS starts pulling away I naturally, sometimes intentionally pull away and act uninterested. The minute he sees or feels this going on, it makes him do a complete 180; and so the cycle continues. 100% predictable but I guess its never is boring, good thing I don’t have a lot of emotional needs.🥴 I’ve also considered the possibility that I might be on the spectrum too, but in a different way, if that makes sense. 🤔 This channel is amazing!!! Spot on! 🥰

[@prettybelinda6269]

will crtainlt try that too!!!good idea!

[@moonriver4275]

@@prettybelinda6269 It's not a good idea. Things will likely not improve, but worsen with this cycle that you will have to adapt to in order to gain back the lost attention and love. That is not a healthy relationship.

[@eliz9489]

@@moonriver4275 reminds me of the psycoanalyst Skinner & his experiements with rats and cheese - worth looking up. These types of push pull relationships have a high correlation with unhappiness.

[@TaylorMadePhoto1]

They are “The Great Pretenders”

[@joosepnilk6978]

That’s NPD you speak of?

[@akolley1]

All true! He Avoids, avoids!!!

[@Maliilse75]

Yes, and denies, and runs away!

[@Maliilse75]

@Jefparkn I love your plain speaking and knowledge. Are you a therapist or are you talking by experience?

[@Maliilse75]

@Jefparkn That's amazing, thanks for your insights. May I ask you a very simple question: why do AS men stay in dysfunctional relationships for so long? They don't seem to be able to break up. I'm thinking of my father who was left 12 times (12!) by the same woman in the span of four years. Another man I know sees his wife of ten years only twice a year because she moved back in her home province allegedly because of covid.

[@stephaniebrasovny7083]

Damn it is so hard to the extend almost inhumane. Don't let yourself a cheerful human being moulded into this just to accomodate an Aspie for a one sided love. It is not worth it.

[@stephaniebrasovny7083]

@Daniel Smith his responses was unpredictable. They are hard to live with.

[@lovely7464]

🥲🥲🥲

[@Cosmiclotusconsulting]

Thank you for making these videos. I was diagnosed at 33 with Autism and these are SO helpful in seeing how my mind works. My Allistic Fiancé doesn't understand what it's exactly like so these are so super helpful.

[@22neohenry]

I don't remember giving you the rights to my biography. Where was this 10 years ago? Could have saved me a lot of trouble. I'm not mad though. Thank you.

[@CatherineSTodd]

22neohenry wrote "I don't remember giving you the rights to my biography. Where was this 10 years ago?" Made me shake my head and *almost* laugh out loud. For me, where was this video 40 years ago? This was my story living with an Autistic Asperger's man, who was also Passive-Aggressive and Narcissistic / Self Centered to the extreme. But after listening to this video, I'm not so upset about the damage it did to me for 40 years. Thanks for posting.

[@watcherwlc53]

@@sbsman4998 hunh??

[@jazzbachu3314]

I would love to have couples counselling with you. My partner is high functioning autistic he's great in so many ways but this video pins down the the lack of emotional awareness and attachment that I experience. This is invaluable knowledge it really helps thank you

[@felicityscarth3153]

This is so true. How I wish I had known this three years ago. Only found this channel yesterday. Better late than never I suppose. Thank you!

[@markhutten]

You got this!

[@CatherineSTodd]

Excellent video but had to SMH (shake my head) when he says, at 0:47 "in the early going... the sex was good..." WHAT? My Asperger's husband, and most that I know, say the "sex is nonexistant" or "so robotic it's not worth doing." I have lived a celibate life for more than 40 years as a nun, and not by choice. Send me one of ones that Mark is talking about, because I never knew a one! But the rest of Mark's video seems spot-on. Describes my life to a "T." If only I had known this 40 years ago: my entire life would have been different! So glad Asperger's and Autism problems and realities are coming to the fore.

[@jenniferschrader3188]

I married one of those aspies. Intimacy was really great.

[@kkopernik8154]

@@jenniferschrader3188 Dating one that is very physically affectionate one and the sex is amazing. In the bedroom, everything is perfect. When when we address emotions or when he hurts my feelings, he literally says he does not understand. Its so puzzling. Have you experienced this? Connecting so intensely physically but not emotionally? The negative side of this is that (before connecting the dots to ASD) every time we disconnected/fight/miscommunication and broke up, he immediately hooked up with the next woman he met online. He told me he loved me and I just can't make sense of how he could just hook up with all these women while still contacting me and telling me he loved me.

[@joosepnilk6978]

@@kkopernik8154 darling…consider that it is more than likely not asperger’s but NPD. they can be EERILY similar

[@Jenn-1222]

Agree Catherine! Mine was (is) a sexual but I did not understand that and gave him so much grace and patience while accepting his excuses for no intimacy. I finally left after 12 years. But those years destroyed me in so many ways… and we had a child together and co parenting is a freaking nightmare… I wish I had taken better care of myself in the beginning and left him after a couple months of dating…

[@CatherineSTodd]

@@Jenn-1222 : don't we all know the feeling! Also consider Narcissism, as mentioned in the comments: "eerily similar" but with sex. Hope things work out better than before, and they will for sure. Hugs

[@AstridMartin666]

I’ve heard that if I’m not already married to my Aspie I should break up with him before it gets worse. Is that true? His avoidance has turned me into an alcoholic and shopping addict. I’ve completely changed from who I was before I knew him. Now I’m going to the hospital and he’s unemployed. His special interest was work so now he’s taking it out on me. I see him even less than I did when he was working. It’s been 4 years this month that we’ve been together.

[@creativequeenconsulting3811]

Yes, move forward

[@northofyou33]

If you are an alcoholic and shopaholic due to your relationship, why would you want to continue it?

[@silvergirl7810]

Stop right now and leave- it will hurt for what you had but you’re saving yourself a ton of pain the likes you can’t imagine, sickness and being stuck in a wasted life- these are pills you don’t want to find yourself having to swallow down the road and they will be a hundred times more difficult than any sadness you’re going to feel right now.

[@carolmattes6052]

THANK YOU!! I am so glad I heard this today from you😊 it is spot on and exactly the situation...the only thing for me to add is over 10 years of my 2 sons struggling with substance abuse...I think due to the "mismatch" if their parents ...they are good now and I have learned a lot.... My asd however is the same...

[@markhutten]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@sydneylr621]

May I ask if you and your sons other parent are still together?

[@Stuffandstuff974]

This is why as a divorced Asperger's Male I will never bother with relationships again. They are to exhausting and confusing for me. I'd rather be alone.

[@CaToRi-]

Sincerity is the best policy; it protects you and the other person. I’m glad to see you are examining yourself and discovering your reality. Blessings

[@jovolkening9209]

That’s probably best for the other person, too

[@laurahale9309]

Shit

[@moonriver4275]

What is it about the relationship that you found too confusing? Was it the reciprocity? Meeting the emotional needs and physical needs? Showing interest in their daily lives/activities. Being emotionally attentive and showing empathy where necessary?.

[@msjulie3613]

That's good, you're probably protecting the NTs mental health.

[@getyouraskinshape1882]

Mark, I’m an NT wife and my AS/HFA husband doesn’t always avoid conflict. When it’s me having an issue with something he’s doing, he often turns it around. And then when I do swim thing that bothers him, he waits until he’s stewed in it and then wants reasons for everything. But no matter what I say, I can’t speak his language and it becomes a fight. I am so lost in this communication thing. He’s also one to over explain and overwhelms me with answers and information.

[@tarekyoungapelian4542]

I’m prone to sharing a ton of information myself, but I can easily explain why. For me, it helps to explain every detail of my thought process, & it’s often the only way for me to work out the issue, by doing so out loud. Maybe you could suggest your husband tries to write down all of his feelings & thoughts about a subject BEFORE coming to you to discuss them, so he can hash them out beforehand. I’ve practiced doing this & it’s helped enormously, so that I’m able to be more succinct when addressing issues with my loved ones. In my case I’m married to another autistic person, so he doesn’t have trouble understanding how I think. But, not all autistic people are alike, & he’s actually much more prone to have difficulty putting his feelings into words at all! So we can have incompatibilities too, & we have to work them out just the same. Like I’ve said to others here though, if he has trouble taking responsibility for his actions, that’s something else to address entirely in my opinion & it can’t just be blamed on being autistic. Both people should ideally be able to address issues without feeling attacked or being defensive. But, that of course means both people should be able to bring up issues in a non-judgmental way as well.

[@ajmaynard92]

This is very old and maybe not relevant anymore but the best thing I can come up with for the issue using myself as an example is by pointing out the consequences of autistic "hobby collecting". I get very into my hobbies and work to the point where I can see and interpret hundreds of consequences to doing or changing something. By default I do not expect people to be as obsessive but in my personal relationships the same thing happens. Many things are placed a certain way or serve a purpose and have many consequences. Some consequences, I almost have no language for but are instinctual. When someone demands I change something or wants to be involved it becomes difficult already knowing most people don't have the attention span or concientiousness to take something seriously. Sometimes they do try but are so disconnected with large scale consequences they say or do things that mess with so many variables so fast they unintentionally start causing a meltdown because they don't know or don't care how much they are doing. At best it pushes too many variables too fast because the person isn't concientious and at worst it comes off as disrespectful. The disrespectful thing is when someone is just asking and messing with things for attention. There are better ways of getting attention then approaching things that inherently risk severe meltdowns. The disconnect is often NT can tell when their partner is into something they enjoy or find valuable but completely lack the tact and perspective to know if/ when approaching something of interest is a viable strategy. Often being straight forward and very simple is actually what works the best for getting attention as opposed to attempting to be "involved". Think of it this way, an interest in complexity and active thriving in complexity leaves very little mental capacity for anything else when engaging with those things. High functioning autism almost comes with an interest in complexity while risking overload with things that are too complex. Often times the things autistic people work on is highly complex with the only thing more complex being watch someone else destroy 1000 things so fast while not even knowing it. People as a result are very much the largest threat to something enjoyable which is complex things. The hobby is complex and rides this edge of enjoyable without causing overload but people are so complex (and don't even notice it) that watching the most complex thing on the planet mess with something that already took up 95% of the brain power is like a form of torture (or if they are bad at handling this emotion comes off as an extreme personal attack on the senses). Showing interest in what highly functional autistic people are doing and not being serious or following a strict set of rules while doing it is a horrifying strategy for trying to be close to that person. It's the after effects of doing so that you might see as stewing in something then blowing up with dense information. Essentially it's possible you poked at something that was far beyond the extent you may have considered. Putting that many variables into language is a far more pain staking process then most people realize. I actually see what I do more as simulations then language in my head. A simulation in a few seconds can hold so much information it can take a hour to describe a 3 second simulation. Someone who says they "want to know" but get angry when the explanation takes too long is not actually someone who wants to know. They are not motivated by "means and ends" thinking, they are often motivated from ends justifies the means thinking which is highly disconnected from the kind of thinking that allows for simulations. Simulations are not end result motivations based thought, they are process derived methods of thought, often the end isn't even the most important thing as much as observing and living an extremely complex experience in a sense. Someone who demands something so complicated be simplified often times doesn't understand that most typical methods of communication completely lack the capacity for effective simplification for this kind of motivation. The end result is simple, how it gets there is absurdly complicated. Simulating highly complicated things is very fast processing of tons of variables. Messing with those simulations adds 1000 changes on 1000 variables, then someone who is unhappy with you for not being simple and keeps messing with the simulation adds 1000 more variables, then another 1000. They add 1000 variables per minute and get surprised when the person's brain is about to explode trying to convey an absurd amount of information in an impossibly small amount of time unless you "see" what they see. Its often hard to say but see easy to see if that makes sense This is highly related to the issues of being very rules based as a personality. If things are consistent then you can think of it as language actually being slow and inefficient methods of comprehending complicated things. It is actually easier to think of things as simulations then as language. Its far closer to instinctual thinking then linguistic thinking. It allows for many variables to be processed but it has exponentially more variables to be introduced by people who mess with the instinct. This is why autistic people get very short or angry with people. It's not as much a personal attack on the other person as much as it is an immediate self preservation response because the person does not understand they starting down a process that very quickly devolves into a meltdown if they do not understand exactly what they have messed with. Someone who consistently does this will get a subconscious avoidance response from the autistic person. Meltdowns are horrifying experiences and the self preservation response eventually becomes instinct. The persons presence eventually by itself risks causing meltdowns because how consistently they mess with so many variables. Again it's not a personal attack on the person but it is an instinctual self preservation response. People who lack boundaries are extremely threatening.

[@cad0420alice]

OMG this is totally me but I'm a woman and my husband is the one who denying I have AS. I don't know why I'm drifting away. Found your book and bought it immediately. Wish I can find a therapy who has knowledge of AS like you where I am.

[@steph4922]

My husband doesn't want to meet any friends or do anything socially with family outside of his work time. He will take me and the kids out but he rarely talk to us at home or when we are out. Even having lunch or dinner, he will be at the table but he just play games on his phone. He was always not talkative but he was busy with work and studying post graduate degree when we met and I was the same. Now that he has finished his studies years ago, we get to go out on weekends and go on tours. But I feel like he is only physically there. He doesn't speak in the car. He would sleep in the tour bus until we get to the distinction. I would ask him how is the food, how was the day, he's standard answer is "it's ok". Sometimes I feel like we're just strangers sharing a table at a busy restaurant. I don't know if he has Asperger or something else. I used to think it's so weird that his family doesn't have meals together and when they do, say for a birthday then no one speaks at the table apart from guys sister. His parents and brother were just eating and leaves as soon as they finished eating... now he does the same to our family. I'm pretty sad about it. Is anyone in similar situation?

[@melissamouton673]

My husband is similar in not being interested in being social and not talkative when we are out alone. It's heartbreaking to learn that I used to be his 'special interest' but now not anymore. His job and related hobbies are now his special interest. It's heartbreaking to feel this isolated and 'not enough' anymore.

[@joosepnilk6978]

Might be NPD

[@TheRubyBoobieShow]

His family sounds German. My family is German and we do that at dinner. We are quiet people.

[@silvergirl7810]

My husband (and now son) do the same thing- I might as well not be there. They are both on their phones playing games and can’t stop to enjoy company with each other. They get mad when I say phones away. At this point I really have lost myself- I’m like the person he was talking about that is sick and lost - I couldn’t find who I was if I left them. Which is really sad- I was a wonderfully loving person. I truly feel that he has slowly ruined me - completely.

[@Michael-du2fv]

Avoidance, if life is stressful, seek out something to use to mentally extract yourself from the situation like games on a phone, listening to sports in an ear bud or watching it on a phone. Physically present but not mentally present, it's escapism tactic to distance yourself from what is causing you stress. Being a parent is very stressful, they might need a vacation like a week away doing something they enjoy completely removed from family life. Last time I had a single day completely removed from my family, I played video games and watched my TV shows for about 7 hrs, took my meds and then slept for 12 hrs, woke up feeling so good I spent 8hrs straight doing projects around the house, installed cabinets, fixed a bunch of stuff, cleaned. Just from having a single day off, if I had several days like that, I would probably feel like my old self before the stress of marriage and kids.

[@motionmuse5684]

I do have autoimmune issues since being with him for 1.5 yrs. How could you know that? Also yes he always expects me to push the grocery store basket and carry heavy groceries.....

[@spikeSpiegel114]

Mark, can you give a little bit of insight on this please. Would you say its generally true that AS/HFA individuals go through cycles of being able to communicate and then suddenly lose that ability and become almost non-verbal? A specific example would be, the AS individual could talk and interact with their partner normally for a few weeks, and then suddenly their communication skills break down and they can't hardly talk and communicate, dont show any affection and self isolate. Then later, the AS individual eventually regains their communication skills again, so it's like a cycle. Is this a behavioral pattern consistent with AS/HFA?

[@markhutten]

RE: Is this a behavioral pattern consistent with AS/HFA? ==> I CAN BE - IT'S THE EBB AND FLOW THAT COINCIDES WITH ANXIETY

[@angelrains5605]

Omg my husband has patterns.. I call it the BLACK CLOUD! It cycles! It’s insanity! I feel like I’m on the spin cycle!

[@randyndawna]

Maybe take into consideration the gender of the person because, if a female, she (depending on who is asking this question) may have hormonal influences affecting behavior at certain times. I believe I'm NT (not confirmed) but I'm the one who gets difficult in regards to communication during, say, PMS. Just throwing it out there in case it might apply.

[@shadowfox933]

That sounds a lot like autistic shutdown or burnout. An inability/decreased ability to communicate verbally is one of the most common occurences with either condition. Given the time frame, I would say it is far more likely just shutdown. The only sustainable way to help deal with this (that I'm aware of) is just to reduce general anxiety. That can come in many forms, so I don't have any good way to list out ideas; just go over it together

[@jingyiyou3215]

I am experiencing my ASD husband shutdowns and totally cut me off. What can I do to reconnect with him? What it he never cycle back ?

[@markhutten]

ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html

[@jimmybeee5]

Main source of anxiety. That's been my experience also.

[@greenjoebean5567]

THISSS. He broke up with me because he said I am the major source of anxiety in his life. I don't think NDs should date NTs. It was awful for me.

[@hestercastlemansa2976]

Yes, exactly like that. Problem here is we are both on the spectrum. I have been diagnosed long ago and therefore worked on some of my issues. He has not been diagnosed and at first I thought he was a narcissists. But now I realise it is most definitely Autism/Aspergers. I think, however, he is worse than me. Because he refuses flat-out to discuss relationship issues I don't know what I am doing wrong of perceived by him as wrong. It's a dead end. When I try to touch on these issues he turns everything around and blames me for everything.

[@prettybelinda6269]

It’s a hard struggle to understand the Neurodiverse partner. Am going through it the past 12 years resulting in a full Cassandra Syndrome with all its symptoms. It’s a coaster ride all the way& am stuck coz it’s only me researching & reading a lot about this autistic spectrum, but all he does is keep getting into my nerves. I have to think the way he does, act the way he thinks is appropriate, eat the same stuff almost everyday etc etc … I just don’t know who I am now, and what the future holds for me… we are on our 13 th year together, share the same house but he stresses he will never marry me because he does not want to do so just because he should (🤷🏽‍♀️… )… it’s all weird! There is no chance of ever getting a counciling with him.. he will never do that just because he sees no reason for it. Am done! Thank you for reading ( listening to) this🙏🏽

[@silvergirl7810]

Cut your loses and run!

[@HOSTINGLASAMERICAS]

I'm Asperger and I was in a relationship with a bipolar girlfriend. Was that even possible? I would love to hear you points on that. When we met she didn't mention she was bipolar not even her family new about. I of course didn't know at the time I was Asperger. At some point in the relationship she mentioned to me she was bipolar At which I immediately search the web on that which at some point in that search on bipolar got me to Asperger syndrome. I guess the good thing I got from the relationship was to come to the knowledge that I'm Asperger.

[@stylus2253]

My wife told ME she has it, she and my daughters, one still living at home-- her best friend. It's lonely.

[@wilee.coyote5298]

In her own little world. She has few friends and keeps to a rigid routine. Appears selfish. Have you tried creating a separate social circle? Like tennis club, beer drinking buddies, volunteer time at Habitat, etc? She probably won't miss you if you hang out with others.

[@CaToRi-]

What Coyote said is true. I made the mistake of not keeping my social connections because he feels uncomfortable in meetings, gatherings... after many years, he is deep in his stuff and I feel like I’m eating celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, every day... BUT, be careful because keeping separate social activities makes you more vulnerable to infidelity. And if you cheat (even if you feel miserable in your matrimony), you will become the bad guy of the movie.

[@stylus2253]

@@CaToRi- thanks, im heeding that advice.

[@ExOccult]

I get to a point we're I become emotional when Im questioned . It's not worth the trouble .

[@famousse703]

he thought i was a red flag when i had meltdowns and when i tried to have open discussions. i was so confused

[@skyspring7704]

Do you know anything about dealing with partners who are autistic but needy more than reclusive? It feels like being ignored and consumed at the same time. I had explained that being engulfed and also looked through and not listened to makes me feel like a piece of trash he was absently fiddling with, and he reacted with a tirade and let me know the behavior would not stop. I could go on and on.

[@englandrose2366]

I see a lot of needy NT people here 😔 I am NT and in love with a man who is ASD and ADHD. We as NT's have a responsibility to understand how our mind is different and not to blame the person for being who they are. I love just being in his presence. Watching him do things the way only he can 🥰 Sure I get frustrated sometimes when he can't pick up his wet towel off of the floor or can't use a coaster when it's right in front of him and ends up putting ring circles on the furniture but I just pick up the towel and put the coaster underneath the cup and smile...because I love him and I understand that he can't help it and he won't be able to change the way he is. We as NT's need to be calm and patient. I pray for patience everyday because that has never been my forte and thankfully the Lord has blessed me with that 🙏🏻 So my advice is this... don't try to change them...if you truly love them then look at changing yourself and how you respond to their behaviour and remember that you love them.

[@LoveLondon5]

I love your note. I've been dating an aspie a year & only in the last few months have I learned more & more about his brain wiring & personality & it's been so enlightening. Like you, I think my bf is so special & gifted & unique, but yes it's very difficult to be his partner & requires a lot of energy & patience. But, I don't like playing victim. I am excited to learn more about ASD & be creative in how I communicate with him so I feel like I'm being heard & can share my needs, but in a way that is less anxiety-creating for him. The more we learn about how their brain works, the more we can find better ways to communicate & have a more harmonious & loving relationship. Thank you for your positive note. 😊

[@englandrose2366]

@@LoveLondon5 So happy for you both sweetheart and I hope your relationship gets stronger because of your efforts 😊

[@MalcolmEspinosa1980]

Thank you for this response. I think it is very mature. I wish my wife would look at things that way. You seem like a compassionate and understanding woman. He is lucky to have you in his life. I am new to understanding all of this and the impact on the NT woman. It seems like a lot of the NT women don't have an understanding of how some things are in relationships. A lot of it seems to be based on unrealistic romance expectations. Doing the boring day-to-day things can be unexciting, but if you get those right, that is like 80% of your interactions right there. It can go a long way.

[@jenniferschrader3188]

@Jefparkn yup after the years wear you down. It's so sad.

[@rosheensouthcombe3583]

Very judgemental towards NT´s!!! If you´re so sorted why are you here??? I wish it was just a wet towel on the floor or an unseen coaster!!! “Judge not, that you be not judged.

[@genealogygeek6973]

Let’s remember it’s not always the man that has the AS. It can be the other way around, like in my situation. These are good points but maybe we should say he or she not always referring to he.

[@lorettalittlefield5551]

Would it help to be involved in their interest too

[@prettybelinda6269]

Wenn my Partner is involved in his special interests he is not in a position to share , he is „ far & unreachable“. Any effort from me to get involved may cause more anxiety… his special interest is so complicated anywhere …

[@AK20741]

@@prettybelinda6269 Yup! Exclusive & excluding...

[@Michael-du2fv]

Depends on the interest and the person. If it's something shareable like a fixation on a sports team, of the NT also enjoys it they could talk about it for ages. If it's something like a video game that requires a lot of focus (the focus is why it's their escape from personal experience) the NTb trying to involve themselves in it is a distraction away from the focus. highly focusing on a single thing like that is a kind of meditation and you wouldn't want someone walking in, telling you to pause your mediation and start asking random nonsensical questions about what your doing.

[@vanjohnson319]

Can other activities be serial cheating?

[@jesuslover3543]

I’d like to know if this could be an addiction trait of an AS person?! Serial cheating as a special interest?! They have no emotional awareness and can do it easily. Mark?!

[@northofyou33]

@@jesuslover3543 I have seen that in my ASD bf.

[@naturandmor]

These things are usual by nt couples as well.

[@piaffe25rider83]

Mine turned to crack cocaine, of all things! I had to let him go... son is 23 now... very sad- I never knew...

[@loverainthunder]

I hope you and your son are doing well. And your ex actually. Such a difficult situation I hope you're okay.

[@piaffe25rider83]

loverainthunder Thank you! Yes we are good - I’m learning we’re not the only ones out there...All the Best!

[@funicon3689]

id much rather do Calculus 😅

[@JeanFrancoisDesrosiers]

Very useful info, every word was on point. But it was very annoying to hear it like you were climbing stairs or cycling while narating.

[@bobbycecere1037]

It should encourage me that thier Are men out there with wives, but it does the opposite. I know women don't care for men with Asbergers. So it makes me feel like these guys don't actually have it. Unless he's much better at hiding it, I don't know.

[@muhannaddurubi1345]

screaming nd loud voice and panicking of the female the bad thing that females do with Aspi guy.

[@lorenzmenke3121]

As ALWAYS NT women vastly overrate their emotions as if they are actually some law of physics, written in stone, a commandment from God in importance. They are not, get over yourself.

[@northofyou33]

What?

[@funicon3689]

NT wom3n in general are very needy and judgmental. they initiate 70% of divorces even with NT men

[@catsandsound]

I've just ended my 10 year marriage with my aspie wife. Over the past few years she has just pushed me away. Thanks for the video. I've never really understood why the distance developed. I've always tried to love, understand and meet her needs. It was never going to easy and there were always going to be challenges with low physical and mental intimacy and unintentional meaness, but we have always been friends. We were so much better at the start.(cliche, still true though). She stopped wanting to do anything with me. Shall we go for a meal? Watch a movie? Do anything together? Be in the same room? Nope...But she was still happy in our relationship like that... Pretty sure I could have handled anything apart from the distance. For years I tried to convince myself that was enough but it shouldn't have to be. By the end it sure wasn't real love. I still feel terrible for ending it, beause we did have good times, but at the same time it just dosn't feel like it was me who ended it. I love her as person. She is beautiful, clever and funny. I hope she finds someone else and gets back to the same point we were at the start of our relationship.

[@melissamouton673]

My HFA husband and I are considering ending our 2 year marriage / 6 year relationship as well because the isolation I feel has led to depression and the confusion for him has come to a peak at this point. It is heartbreaking to have to decide whether you are going to keep trying when you feel so empty and exhausted. I don't feel loved, good enough, important enough or interesting enough anymore. Yet he wants to continue the relationship and says he needs to and wants to work on things, but never follows through. I am heartbroken.

[@msjulie3613]

Worst part is that they have no interest in changing or putting effort.

[@catsandsound]

@@msjulie3613The lack of effort hurts. I'm not convinced that someone with AS can change without specialist help. I never tried to change my wife though. That would not have been fair.

[@msjulie3613]

@@catsandsound I completely hear and empathize with you even with professional help one has to admit they are in the wrong and an aspie is never wrong I know. They would rather lose you than accept they are the one messing things up.

[@RankStankulon]

Sounds similar to what I'm experiencing now. Luckily I'm not married and have only been with this girl for a few years but she's expressed to me lately that she thinks she may be autistic, and whenever we do have a fight or argument it's always me who has to change or me who has to just let things slide. She never puts in any work to be better, she won't/can't communicate, she does not care if she says something hurtful, she can't be told anything because she thinks she knows better than everyone else, she's not affectionate in any way but is constantly demanding my attention and affection, etc. She expects me to stay up late at night massaging her back and rubbing her scalp and shit because she "can't relax without it" but she has literally never reciprocated that despite my regular requests and my own back problems. It physically pains me but I still do it for her. I ask for the bare minimum -- a LITERAL "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" -- and she isn't even capable of that. I feel more like a surrogate mother to a sick know-it-all child than a boyfriend a lot of the time.