My Boyfriend Prioritizes His Family Over Me And Will Ditch Me For Them r/Relationships

[@pk.002]

OP's boyfriend and his family are some of the most insufferable people I've ever read about. It's a blessing in disguise. She deserves far better than that and I'm glad they broke up.

[@loriwishman1866]

Creepy how jealous the sister is of OP.

[@brigidtheirish]

Listening to this was *painful* because it just started out obvious that they're incompatible and kept spiraling down into a creepy red flag ocean. She should have left over a *year* ago.

[@debl3063]

And the fact that sister was complaining that OP didn't try to spend time with them when the boyfriend knows his sister excluded her (to the point of yelling and having melt downs) on numerous occasions.

[@Davimez]

Right, hope op takes this as a blessing in disguise and that she'll find someone much better off than that shitty family that's one bad news away from turning on each other

[@pk.002]

@@brigidtheirish These were my thoughts exactly. To a neutral party it's very clear that she's trying to salvage a relationship that was on its way to becoming very destructive due to their incompatibility and her ex and family's apathy. I've been in the same position as OP myself and it's a very hard, bitter pill to swallow, but I'm glad that she learned from the experience rather than marrying into such an awful family. Neither her ex nor her family would love her no matter how hard she tried. No relationship is worth that kind of sacrifice or compromising one's well-being and mental health.

[@pansprayers]

This isn't a relationship. This is a rent-a-girlfriend arrangement. OP is being WAY too accommodating to this guy. OP needs to find a partner that will appreciate her as much as she does them. This isn't ever going to be that kind of relationship for her.

[@lancerevell5979]

Agreed. These two are totally incompatible. Until exBF can sever his umbilical to his toxic overcontrolling family (especially the sister), he will never be able to have a real relationship with any woman. OP needs to move on, find a good guy willing to reciprocate and actually love her.

[@marystarr3025]

a renta - girlfriend would get a good meal out of it on occasion, I don't think OP gets even that.

[@pansprayers]

@@marystarr3025 eh, not always. Depends on the package, 😉. In all seriousness though, he's so enmeshed that he's not a suitable partner for ANYONE.

[@pansprayers]

@@lancerevell5979 enmeshment. That's the word everyone is looking for here. He doesn't actually want/see the need for a relationship (likely his first 'serious' one, if you listen to his comments about not knowing that relationships are so hard). I am honestly wondering if, prior to this relationship (that they were quite young when they started) OP had any healthy relationship models to compare and contrast to, because it doesn't sound like it.

[@zoe9190]

I see problems with her and him, and believe they are fundamentally too different to work, especially if one is unwilling to work on it. She feels quite clingy and desperate and feel she needs more life lessons before she has a serious boyfriend, and he needs to be independent of his family for a time and learn who he is without the family. They just arent ready for serious relationships yet

[@cats1900]

This was excruciating to hear. OP missed so many flags. Bf was a hot mess and loser.

[@nicolelawrence7722]

I'm only 5 minutes in and I already heard 3 red flags

[@nicolelawrence7722]

@Krîmż 😂😂😂😂🚩🚩🚩

[@OmniscientlyMe]

She has a few of her own as well. She reeks of desperation/clinginess in the first post.

[@avantikamathur2859]

@@OmniscientlyMe i think she just has a very very severe anxiety disorder

[@Midnight0Mistress]

It's honestly so excruciating to the point of annoyance. Pretty sure she was just trying to fool herself.

[@TSignature]

Listening to this was so frustrating. It’s obvious the boyfriend doesn’t care about her and she just keeps trying and trying. At a certain point some self dignity is needed

[@Davtwan]

Boyfriend and family sound like total losers who believe in the mental-health stigma and remember only things done wrong than things done right. They’re probably just going be social pariahs when one of them blows up, and then they’ll all be forever forgotten in the sea of mediocrity and “playing it safe.” How sad.

[@macylouwho1187]

This, so very much. God it was exhausting and disheartening listening to that poor “desperate girl” story. Her boyfriend is a man child who needs to stay living with his mommy and daddy forever, or eventually his mommy-ish controlling sister who runs his life can pick him a girlfriend although the next one won’t likely be this weak and pitiful in love and might actually have a backbone in her body! Then he’ll likely end up the one dumped because who else could take any of this behavior, and because the next one will take far less crap off him he’ll likely love her more for being strong. And it will decidedly hurt worse when he loses the next one. Doormats are easy to take for granted and take advantage of. This girl was 100% doormat from the word “go” on that relationship. He couldn’t actually love her or respect her when she acted like that. It 100% was NOT love if he was threatening to leave her every other slight disagreement that they had! Love couldn’t even think it, let alone act on it!

[@Midnight0Mistress]

I could barely listen to her story without sighing in exasperation. She's how old and acts like clueless preteen

[@lynnw7155]

I was cringing at how desperate she sounded.

[@princesspanda12012]

​@@lynnw7155 extremely desperate

[@SuperBatSpider]

OP keeps talking about compromise, she is not compromising. She is giving her all to a man who does not see her as a person of equal value to him. He demands she go to him immediately and not give her space.

[@Indi_Waffle_Girl]

Yep yep!! 💯

[@Alteusgirl]

I will only quote this: "I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect." Because this is what's happening here, op's bf is not respecting her, pushing her boundaries about what she wants and shoving her aside while expecting her to accommodate to his needs and wants and to respect them.

[@elalogar7340]

Very good quote.

[@virginiacrowder2357]

Well said.

[@hrvojebutkovic]

She doesn't respect herself either.

[@maestech8605]

Waooo, beautiful quote

[@AndyyWithAY]

You will never be a priority. He's made that extremely clear to you. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

[@lisadgingersnaps9843]

Exactly what I was thinking.

[@dionysus_adores]

The bf is in an unhealthy codependent relationship with his family. His family wants it like that no woman would ever be good enough for them so he'll never beable to keep a partner happy. Not to mention he ghosted op and was gaslighting op. Not the best guy

[@joshuarichards8065]

@@dionysus_adores ah, somebody else who spotted the codependence chain. As bitter as the conclusion is at least OP is free free from the situation, too bad for the ex.

[@TraceyBoyland]

She's just telling us all the reasons why she SHOULDN'T WASTE HER TIME

[@erenssister.5535]

Yet she wasted 2 fucking years. I have no sympathy for doormats like op but glad they broke up

[@melissaisloud7404]

This girl is delusional if she truly thinks this boy is mature enough for an adult relationship.

[@carolroberts4614]

I don't think he ever will be! This family don't want outsiders in? How can that work?

[@Lulu-ut9pv]

Both are stupid .. she is desperate and he's too immature and lazy

[@roelthas]

Not being part of that awful relationship anymore was a good ending.

[@lisakaz35]

Totally agree. She shoulda RAN.

[@mindyschocolate]

Sounds like OP is so clingy and scared to be alone she’ll stick with him no matter how crappy he treats her. She needs to grow a shiny spine and understand she can do better and deserves it.

[@rebelks88]

Sounds like her own mental state is harming the possibility of that beautiful spine but hopefully she can keep going and improve her own state before getting involved with someone else. Poor thing :(

[@pansprayers]

She has what sounds like a pretty hefty anxiety disorder, and is surrounded by his abusive family, with a partner who's so enmeshed with them that you can't tell where he starts, and they begin. Even someone with halfway decent mental health, and few if any healthy relationship examples to compare against would struggle with a sunk cost fallacy. Even you. That's not 'so clingy' that's lack of experience and anxiety. Nobody - not even you - is born just knowing what to do in every situation.

[@bubblegum1366]

Way to blame the victim. OP isn't the problem, the douchebag family are.

[@rubymeaddle]

Uh. Dude is legit a terrible partner.

[@Lulu-ut9pv]

Both need to grow up, your right she can do better and is too scared to be alone but BF needs to be a big boy and move out

[@Rose_Bride]

The only thing "sad" about this ending was how much of a doormat this OP was. This guy was VERY CLEARLY stringing her along. He had NO INTENTION of _ever_ marrying her; he was using his family's dislike for her as a convenient _excuse._ If you love someone, you will stand up for that person and go to bat for them... *PERIOD.* The fact that he _didn't,_ should have told her something. In fact, to be honest, I think his actions were ultimately meant to drive her away. He was hoping OP would eventually get fed up and just END things already so he wouldn't have to. This is also very likely one of the reasons his family grew increasingly colder towards her. No doubt this guy had complained to them about how he "wanted to get away from" OP but "didn't want" to hurt her feelings since she was "so fragile". 🙄 Maybe he even fed his family the usual cliched story about how he felt she was "too clingy" and "suffocating" him. Thus painting himself as the caring guy with a heart of gold, too sensitive for his own good... and OP as the crazy, obsessed gf who simply REFUSES to let go.

[@Sifya]

And I bet he met new girlfriend and married in less of 1 year!

[@philwill0123]

Problem is, she sounds too clingy and suffocating. Was exhausting listening to the story.

[@Sifya]

@@philwill0123 I don't like me too clingy people but in case was a conseguence not feeling loved and stress. He doesn't give a darm of her

[@pansprayers]

@@philwill0123 you sound insufferable, and self important. You also seem to not understand context. But hey, go off.

[@user-wr3vt8uq4s]

@@philwill0123 Neither of them were ready for a LT relationship.

[@avalineriley6809]

"We have a good relationship" .... proceeds to talk about the worst one sided relationship i've ever heard of. She'd get more affection from a vibrator and a bottle of wine.

[@vanzy01]

😂🤣

[@youwereboringd59]

"Everything before the word "but" is BS."

[@FlamesofJagger]

OP is a good person who is currently being screwed over by a thoughtless partner. My family is close, but we don't need to be in each other's business like this guy's does. OP needs to get help, move on, and find someone who will work with OP on their lives

[@WhitneyDahlin]

What is going on in this guy's family isn't normal. It's called emotional inc es t and it is a real thing and it's much more common than physical in ce st. And it's much harder to call someone out on because most people don't know that it's even a thing. I'm sure we can all think of someone we have dated or a friend who has dated someone who is having an emotional in ces tuo us relationship with a family member (it usually manifests as the mother being overly controlling in their adult son's life and being the number one woman in the adult son's life but it happens all the time between brothers and sisters, fathers and daughters, basically any combination.) We all know someone who is just way way too close to their family member. Someone who lets their mother or father or sisters or brother totally control the decisions they make an who have a creepy weird influence on them. The family member inserts themselves into their family members romantic relationships and are always demanding they choose them over their significant other. It's hard to describe it any further but you know it when you see it because you get a really weird f****** feeling about it. Like you as a romantic partner is forced into a weird competition with the family member for your partners attention and time. It usually ends with your partner ALWAYS putting their family members wants and needs and feelings over yours. It isn't normal and it isn't healthy. This needs to be called out anytime you see it and you need to leave your partner the second you get a weird feeling and suspect emotional in ce st is going on. You will never ever win they will make your life hell. Do not get involved in this. Period. No matter how much you love them it will never be enough and they will never choose you or your kids over their family member.

[@TIGERTHATROARS]

@@WhitneyDahlin thank you for this 🙏🏾 it helps me feel so much better about what I experienced

[@AndyyWithAY]

After OP gets the intense therapy she needs she will look back on this and realize how she was so desperate and want to kick herself for this behavior. This was a win for her. The trash took itself out

[@ravanpee1325]

It's a super downsizer to be lovebombed all the time...

[@LunaP1]

Exactly.

[@sitnspin1819]

The BF is a manchild and she comes across as clingy and needy.

[@damien678]

Her being diagnosed with panic disorder, depression, and social anxiety is at least a sign she's been in therapy for at least some months now. But therapy can take years upon years (I've been in it for a couple now and... oof I still really need it). Also I have diagnosed agoraphobia (of the panic disorder variety), and my god it's a life ruiner. Her having panic disorder would be nightmarish for her, too.

[@marybrown6756]

OP definitely needs therapy, cus dayam. She’s going to keep repeating this over and over. Exhausting.

[@AndyyWithAY]

She'll meet this same guy over and over in a different body unless she gets professional help

[@AndyyWithAY]

OP needs some serious therapy. She's not in a healthy frame of mind. Everything she's saying is so incredibly alarming. She needs to take a long time to look after her mental health before even considering another relationship. She is definitely not ready right now.

[@ravanpee1325]

She's lovebombig all the time which isn't that good either for a stable relationship

[@deedeeschway9566]

She sounds like gives her whole self in these relationships and these discussions sound like therapy sessions. You really shouldn’t do that in most relationships since it makes you vulnerable and it can be off putting for others who don’t do the same thing. She basically gave him all the ammunition he needed and then some. He actually could have hurt her a lot worse to be honest. I got put off by her because she sounds like she tries too hard, I wouldn’t date her or want any member of my family to date her. I know people who basically got absorbed into their relationship and no longer seem to be an independent entity anymore. That’s what this make me feel like could happen with someone like this. They just want to be in love so damn bad and act like they’ll fall apart outside a relationship.

[@annhans3535]

Exactly.

[@kev2020]

@@deedeeschway9566 I'm so glad that you all said this. I was commenting that I'd be alone in stating this since most are placing 100% of the blame on the guy but she didn't sound like a reliable narrator. I've been yelled at for not inviting them to lunch with coworkers or meeting my family and trying to get contact info so that they can build a relationship that same day. Of course it was spread around that I was cold for pointing out boundaries and starting out slow.

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

God this relationship is a train wreck. OP is clearly codependent and a people pleaser even if someone is clearly not reciprocating, and the BF’s family is toxic and mean, and he’s an asshole for claiming that it’s OP’s fault and not respecting the little boundaries she sets. BF never even really sets his foot down and outright breaks up with her, instead he tiptoes around the subject and gives her weird little breadcrumbs that make her think she still has a chance. This entire relationship is a hot mess.

[@symonsan]

Worst is that the boyfriend had the last word and took the rug out of OP's shoes, he fed her with all that hope and determination for continuing the relationship only to shatter her mantle. Damn, hope she can recover in a positive way.

[@PrimateProductions]

Took the rug out of her shoes? Only to shatter her mantle? What do these things mean??

[@AndyyWithAY]

This relationship is doomed. After 2 years this relationship should be a major priority. OP needs to have some self esteem and a spine and get out of this. This is hard to listen too because she's just so incredibly desperate

[@debl3063]

The begging... for any scrap of attention... from someone who told her he would chose his family over her for any reason... and she knows his family hates her.

[@dulcilass]

OP is exceptionally desperate. She is trying to make someone over into person who is as desperate for her as she is for him. She needs something from him that he isn't giving her while she seems to be giving him her all. She's feeling eternal love, while he may simply be feeling Friend with Benefits. They've been together for two years and her comment that "I loves him so much and I don't want to lose him" made me want to smack her in the head to shake that nonsense loose. She's living in a dreamworld because she's never had him. She's clinging to an illusion about him. His feelings about her will never be the same as hers toward him. He will never gush his love and focus his attention on her alone and by actions and words he's told her so. They are of two different mind sets and need to split up.

[@lisachristoph437]

OPs boyfriend is his sister's boy toy. She needs to flee from this backwoods behavior.

[@Flufferz626]

Yeah it is like she is almost jealous in a creepy way.

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

She’s so used to being the only girl in the family. We all know “only girl children” get all the attention from family members and she wasn’t willing to share in the spotlight. Sister was jealous of any attention (little that it was) OP was getting from her brother and was gonna put a stop to it one way or another, at the expense of everyone involved!

[@Lin-hj4fh]

This relationship was exhausting. Ew, I'm just disgusted with how much she put with. He didn't love her.

[@ToxicSunrise132]

Y'know, the only decent thing the boyfriend ever said to OP was that you shouldn't "need" someone in your life. It's fine to want and love someone, but when you "need" someone, it's not a healthy relationship anymore.

[@MomokoTuHarumaki]

Story 1: Throw him back. Emotional neglect in relationships is such a real thing. He's ignoring your emotional needs and outright sees you as such an outsider in his family. His family is enmeshed and it's too the point where it's impossible for him to gain his independence.

[@ravanpee1325]

Lovebombing is also a manipulation tactic or red flag for underlining psychological issues

[@MomokoTuHarumaki]

@@ravanpee1325 yep I see that too.

[@Buff_Helpy]

Holy hell that got frustrating, all I heard was show much she gives and gives and how much of a neglectful prick he was. Glad they broke up. Doormats like this are so damn frustrating.

[@atinyevil1383]

Story 1: OP needs to leave this relationship. Her partner is not giving her what she needs in the relationship and seems to refuse to. If that wasn’t enough, his family doesn’t even like her for seemingly no reason other than she’s not “family”, and bf doesn’t even do anything about it. He also will ditch OP whenever his family calls, even if OP and bf are in the middle of something. They aren’t compatible, OP deserves better, and bf needs to grow up and learn how relationships work. Edit: OH MY GOD I just got to the part where OP said they were both almost in their 30s. This man is acting like this in his late 20s? I assumed they were younger than 25. That makes it worse.

[@lisawhereisthecultjam]

Honestly, I wouldn't be comfortable with being pressured to talk about how much I need, miss, etc. my partner. I also wouldn't want to hear that either. :/

[@MizTameRumors]

I think it's just a personality clash....OP seems very emotionally needy, not in a bad way, but it's a bit exhausting for kind of emotionally quiet people. .

[@Hershewed]

I mean, in the end, family is more lasting than a relationship imo

[@MaryTheresa1986]

Maybe OP would be less needy if her needs were actually being met.

[@justine8387]

Oh God me too

[@mysterylovescompany2657]

This one was the biggest, quickest, most obvious He's Just Not That Into You that I've come across in a really, really long time. That poor woman. I hope she comes back stronger.

[@Misspellednumbers]

God, that was exhausting to listen to. At some point, I just wanted her to end things, but she kept being accommodating. Part of me feels like OP got no justice, but in a way, she did. She doesn't need to deal with him, his thoughtlessness, or that terrible family.

[@spearsofdoom]

I agree. I think it’s because I wanted to hear her end things and finally stand up for herself. She has been letting this manchild call all the shots in their relationship and I wanted for her to once finally take control over the relationship and end things.

[@vanzy01]

He had to be the one to end things because she was never going to break up with him.

[@AndyyWithAY]

He takes his own sweet time to get back to you then he demands you meet him when he wants to talk. Hell no! Do not ever be in a relationship where things always happen on the other person's time

[@juliemcgugan1244]

He’s an emotional vampire. His feelings are the priority , but he’s never willing to return the support. His family is the priority to him and nothing OP will ever do for them will be enough. Thanks to his family, this young man is a failure to launch kid and will never move beyond this point, if he allows his family to control his life. Hope he enjoys living his life alone, because his parents won’t be around forever and someday his sister will move on and build her own family (unless she is failure to launch like he is.)

[@SilentDecepticon]

The boyfriend breaking up with her is the best thing he could have done for her. She was never going to do it on her own, she’d just keep chasing this loser and his weirdo family because she was desperate for them to like and accept her. Geez they are way too close.

[@baylabe]

Going to read op's other posts, it's just so heartbreaking. The ex ended up being involved with her ex roommate after their breakup, she chronicled her entire heartbreak and grieving process, and is questioning her sexuality (but describes her anxiety with men fueling it). She's been through so much in a year, I truly hope things turn out for her

[@TheArnaa]

Five minutes in and all I can think is OP needs to stop doing the pick me dance. He’s made it clear she will never be his priority and it’s making her miserable. Time to grow a spine and move on because he’s absolutely not going to change and OP deserves better. ETA: Twice OP said “ I didn’t want to but he insisted.” That right there says it all. Also, the cheek of him repeatedly accusing OP of not trying hard enough when he isn’t prepared to make any effort himself.

[@queencatherineofaragon938]

It’s always so sad to see a person waste their precious time on a looser and still be too blind to see them for the sham they are. SMH.

[@emiliosebastiao2043]

This is your standard one sided relationship, OP needs to learn healthy boundaries for her own sake. The inevitable end to her story, if she doesn't manage her giving nature, is hitting rock bottom. This is the road to a burnout, deep depression, loneliness, etc. As much as we need boundaries for others to respect, we most of all need boundaries for ourselves, some strengths can become weaknesses when poorly managed. Spend some of that energy on yourself OP, use that care for your life.

[@browhattheactualfu-2659]

The only way I can explain this relationship is when you put both vinegar and water in the same cup. Except the vinegar is also emotionally draining the water and the water needs heavy therapy.

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

good grief that sounds like a very miserable relationship that’s not worth keeping up. If I feel completely loveless by my partner in a relationship and their family actively ignores me or like the sister throws tantrums whenever I’m brought up to keep me away, I’m gonna bounce.

[@kp2223]

If you've already described that he has a pattern of changing and then changing back right away or why would you keep going back? Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. This is the exact definition of insanity. I feel bad for Op but if this isn going on and off in a circle for two years and she's almost 30 and dealing with this yet over it and move on out, he's not worth your time.

[@justine8387]

S1: when someone learns their needs are not important, it is really hard to unlearn that. I hope OP can at this young age. It will save her decades of misery.

[@carolemoores2480]

With you on that one!!

[@yolkednick9286]

Not gonna lie, I feel like we should be hearing banjos (deliverance movie reference) in story one. I understand loving your family and being close... but I get a different type of family love vibe. Seems like OPs boyfriend's sister is in love with him.. since she pitches a fit every time op is around

[@pansprayers]

Enmeshment. That's the word everyone is looking for here, not 'close'. One is healthy, the other isn't.

[@yolkednick9286]

@@pansprayers To my understanding emeshment is when family members are expected to feel or act a certain way. This situation goes beyond that, it seems that there is an unhealthy emotional relationship between the siblings and parents. Also how obsessed the sister seems to be with the brother, similar to that of the oedipus complex.

[@pansprayers]

@@yolkednick9286 enmeshment exists on a gradient, and this is an extreme example of it. The sister especially expects the BF to conform to her standards of behaviour, and by extension, the OP. Since the OP is unable to meet an unspoken, unrealistic framework, she's viewed as the enemy. There are likely some additional co-morbid attachment disorders involved here, but based on the information we've got, it's a pretty glaring example.

[@yandereskitty]

Never stay with a man that will not prioritze your feelings. You deserve better. He can stay a big man child and never leave his family. You don't need that in your life. You need a real man that will care for you. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[@cjandauntieyaya1446]

OP needs to get out of this codependent relationship. She's got mental health issues that I think will be alleviated once she dumps this self-absorbed BF. He's stuck in the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) when it comes to his family and he lacks any type of spine when it comes to standing up for OP, his GF. OP needs to realize that her BF just doesn't value her as much as she values him. This is a one sided relationship and she needs to just let him go. Stop investing in something that only brings her heartache. It isn't her fault. Her BF is just not motivated enough to make her a priority. I had an ex fiance like this. Not so much his family but his friends were a priority over me. I noticed I was the only one planning romantic outings and things to do together. He would go to movies with his friends but not invite me because he said they didn't like me and it would be "awkward". Looking back, he would host parties for his friends and family, but he never hosted a BDay party for me. Dump his ass. Don't invest in a relationship when your partner refuses to put in as much effort.

[@Flakey101]

I am not sure they will bealleviated, a comment about her needing a person, makes me think that she a has a long term problem that needs help with. She will keep falling into these codependant relationships constantly unless she does address it.

[@pansprayers]

@@Flakey101 any long term relationship is codependent to a certain point. What needs to be examined with her, however, is if she's ever had any examples of healthy relationships with which to compare this one against. The ex on the other hand, is a case of family enmeshment personified.

[@sarahwaller7584]

He's done her a massive favour now she's free to find someone who loves her back....she'll see that eventually sucks for her now though

[@citadelofwinds1564]

What an exhausting tale of unhealthy entanglements. OP is desperate to hang onto someone who clearly doesn't love her as much as she does. And he probably finds OP's clinginess suffocating, even though he's got plenty of experience being entangled with his own toxic family. The BF has jerked OP's emotions around too many times - including accusing her of not loving him "enough" - and OP has put up with his and his family's BS for long enough. Her neediness, willingness to make excessive sacrifices, and clinging to him as the "only" possible source of happiness are also very unhealthy. For her own wellbeing, OP needs to accept that the only good solution is to end this one-sided, entangled, codependent, toxic relationship. So the BF actually did her a favour in ending things, because she clearly wasn't going to let go.

[@Songbirdstress]

Yes these two are clearly incompatible.

[@JRMAV1]

“It’s his first and only relationship.” It’s probably gonna stay that way 😂

[@GabrielleHayes1921]

"his brother is almost 30yrs old and lives at home" Honey, your boyfriend is almost 30yrs old and lives at home. The fact that they all live at home is kinda creepy, especially with the sister being so against OP. Idk, I would ditch him faster than possible.

[@Valfara770]

Well, as close as they are all to each other, I'm not suprised that he is the only one with a partner, since which selfrespecting woman or man wants to play second fiddle to the family? And that for all eternetiy as it looks like.

[@GabrielleHayes1921]

@@Valfara770 I mean I really want my kids to be close to one another their whole lives, but not That close. I want them to love and respect one another and if they're living with me at that age it's because something bad has happened in their lives that they had no where else to go. I'm only okay with them living with me rent free in their early 20s if they're attending college. My worst fears are that my kids grow up hating each other or loving each other a little too much. Edit: no matter what I think how they turn out will have a lot to do with how I raise them, so here's to praying I don't screw up my kids.

[@Valfara770]

@@GabrielleHayes1921 And that is totally fine. I mean I don't hate on them because they life with their family in their almost 30th. Hell I lived with my parents until shortly after 30 (one failed university study and a finished one + a few years looking for a job) but their relationship just seems very unhealtyly codependent. And gives me kinda creepy vibes to be honest.

[@HackiePuffs]

“Surely you see that don’t you??” Most likely NO!! I’m so sick of Reddit being like “how can you be so stupid/blind?” A lot of times you don’t see the red flags and rationalize everything until it’s too late. Yeah to us it might seem obvious but to the actual victim it often takes a lot of convincing.

[@atinyevil1383]

100% It would be interesting to hear about OP’s past relationships with former partners, friends, and family. I obviously can’t say whether or not she’s been in abusive relationships before, but she sounds like she has, which would make it even harder to see that.

[@pansprayers]

For real. It's not like relationships generally start out pear shaped. If abusive people showed who they were from the start, there would be far fewer needs for DV laws, shelters, and restraining orders - because those people wouldn't have nearly as many victims who have to reconcile a sunk cost fallacy to get loose to their situation.

[@wmdkitty]

@@atinyevil1383 No, having been abused once, most of us survivors will NOT put up with that BS again.

[@patpaiz5693]

Most of the victims of this abuse do not see the red flags not because they were blind but because they were conditioned not to trust themselves and what they see and hear and feel. I have been there and I am still working through my upbringing and coming to grips with it. I know that even well adjusted adults that find themselve in abusive relationships can really be damaged by the gas lighting, the rapid mood shifts, the threats, the love bombing and discard cycle. It is even worse if they were raised in an disfunctional household. No matter who you are, if you are constantly told by people in your life that you are wrong, that you don't understand what is going on, that you have no right to feel what you feel, that you are selfish, that you are stupid, or ugly, or that you do not really love them it makes you question everything about your self and start doubting your own sanity. It is not the victims fault if they don't see red flags, abuses are very good at sucking their victims in and than starting the abuse.

[@patpaiz5693]

@@wmdkitty That may be true for some who were abused. But for some of us we have no idea of what a good relationship is because we never saw one modeled. You know that saying about the devil you know. When you grow up being told by your abuser that that what they are doing is normal, when the one who abuses you also tell you how much they love you, you grow up thinking abuse is love. I realize I kept marrying abusive pricks because abusive pricks were very familiar to me. I though that was what love was and that my role was to accept anything dished out. It has taken 66 years, but I am finally getting some help and figuring it out. But just to let you know, I am actually happier right now, and for the last six year, since my last divorce than I have ever been in my life. I just intend to make sure I get the help I need so I never find myself being abused again.

[@AndyyWithAY]

This is not a new relationship. 2 years is a long time. OP has on rose colored glasses. She's not getting things she needs from this relationship. She should've had the courage to break up with him already. I wouldn't be sad this guy might leave me, I'd have already left

[@atinyevil1383]

Agreed. Bf needs to mature before he gets into another relationship.

[@sweetsugarystars2378]

@@atinyevil1383 Not just that, but his family sucks and need to be better (not that they'll ever see it but still)

[@atinyevil1383]

@@sweetsugarystars2378 yep. My point is more that if he wants to have a relationship, he needs to grow up and peel himself away from his family.

[@ravanpee1325]

To be lovebombed all the time is super annoying and creepy

[@MaryTheresa1986]

The creepy ex-boyfriend needs to stay away from outsiders and just date his gross, incestuous sister. I wouldn't be surprised if those two were banging. That would explain sis's nasty attitude.

[@TheLizcass]

Someone needs to tell this guy that as long as he keeps enabling his family, he will never have a normal relationship with a woman.

[@pansprayers]

He doesn't care. Some people don't ever get to that point in their development.

[@TheLizcass]

@@pansprayers He's going to die alone then and that's sad.

[@patpaiz5693]

@@TheLizcass No he will not be sad. He will actually believe he was wonderful and all the woman who ever came into his life where either not good enough for him or too stupid to truly appreciate the wonderfulness that was him.

[@Flufferz626]

Nah he'll just have an abnormal relationship with his sister.

[@pansprayers]

@@TheLizcass it might be sad to some people, but not everyone needs that kind of relationship dynamic to be happy. The only really sad thing is, he's going to keep doing it to other people he dates, and they're going to keep thinking that it's something wrong with them, not him.

[@my3sons757]

I've been married to the same man for 38 years. He has 3 brothers and a bunch of nephews. We raised 3 sons. I think it's fair to say I've been surrounded by men for most of my life. I have a message for any young women who are hoping that they can change their guy.... IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!! If he is not the way you need him to be and you think you can "fix" him...GET OUT OF THE RELATION SHIP NOW! You are wasting your time and hurting yourself. Find a guy you can love exactly the way he is then you too can look forward to a 40th anniversary. Much love and luck to you!

[@ComaLies225]

OP gave way too many chances to this loser ex and his family. I feel for her because she didn't deserve that mess

[@shadowfoxx5317]

The BF sounds like someone who will end up marrying a woman his mommy picked for him. I know it hurts right now OP but it *will* get better. You know your worth, you know your needs. And you deserve to have those respected by your partner. Take your time and let it heal but don't ever give in to doubting yourself.

[@kamilapos1481]

or sister in that case

[@pansprayers]

He's never getting married at this rate. The family will never allow it.

[@CooperGal24]

OP is being treated like a Trophy, not a GirlFriend. Her douchebag BoyFriend is not only being disrespectful to her, but he's allowing/enabling his family to disrespect her as well! My advice is to run for the hills, OP. He's not worth your love or tears. He's not and NEVER will be worth anything! Find a guy that'll actually LOVE you and GIVE you respect, not treat you like a pet and leave you alone and mistreated! The Family themselves sounds like they'll use EACH OTHER to get things done! In other words, if OP married this asshole, she'll be his family's SLAVE! Cut him AND his family out of your life and move on, OP!

[@brigidtheirish]

Pets shouldn't be treated this way, either. Pet *rocks* shouldn't be treated this way.

[@kausha7135]

Listening to this filled me with so much gratitude that I'm not dating this guy. It also filled me with a lot of sadness for OP. I really hope she gets help for whatever caused her to devalue herself so much.

[@alyzu4755]

OP needs to get out of the relationship now, while she still can. She's giving everything and receiving nothing. This isn't love. Get out.

[@MizTameRumors]

OP is just trying way too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole...They are completely incompatible. He's needs an aloof partner who'll just vibe along with him, she needs a partner who writes love songs for her.

[@TheHellsHobbit]

#1 OP needs to leave and find a spine. He is telling her in actions that she is not important and his priority is his family. Op needs to take off the rose-colored glasses, smell the coffee and wake the hell up.

[@Metonymy1979]

"They are all so dependant on each other..". OP does not recognize they aren't the only ones dependant. She knows what his priorities are. NOT HER. Anyone that has been in love knows priorities are the person. OP has been reading too many self help books. She needs to go to therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

[@moviegal6000]

Honestly, this entire relationship sounds exhausting. Both of them.

[@thatonegirl4676]

She sounded too darn needy!

[@dm9078]

It is time to go their separate ways! “Because I love him” is not enough. Have some self respect please and move on. Edit: And what is it about this guy she loves so much? Edit 2 “I’m no idiot” yeah that’s not true! I hope OP gets the therapy she needs!

[@dianakosianka5344]

3:54 - "He doesn't think it's healthy for someone to need anyone." It's also unhealthy to push yourself to go through life completely alone without help from anybody either. Everyone needs somebody to lean on eventually, and OP's boyfriend doesn't seem to get that. He's in for a nasty shock with this attitude of hyper independence

[@debl3063]

Of course he needs people. Hes way too attached to his family to say he doesn't need people. He needs to be needed by them too. What he was really telling OP was he just didn't need her, because she wasn't important enough to him.

[@princesspanda12012]

He is right though. No one should feel like they NEED to have a person in their life. That is not healthy. I'm the same way, I may want you on my life but I don't need you.

[@Maizie_Alice]

I literally had this. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years last week because of his family. They threatened to cut him off if he moved with me and he said that he didn’t know if he could do it so I knew I had to leave. I’m a lot like op and the boyfriend is literally just like my ex. It’s weird but it feels kind of nice that someone has been through nearly the exact same thing as me.

[@itchynose679]

Story 1 - OP need to treat herself better. Stop mistreating yourself by letting people mistreat her.

[@tljalexis]

I didn’t get to the end yet but hearing this makes me want to 🤢...she seems desperate. I will have to see how this plays out

[@trillionbones89]

This was painful to listen to. In the end it wasn't even her that outgrew this emotionally abusive relationship, but him not wanting to bother anymore with her. She is the definition of a helpless person, sets herself on fire for other people.

[@Opinionatedboo]

I know that most people think that a relationship is only between two people. But it is also with the family on both sides. If family is problematic then it will work only if the spouse or partner is with you on the issues. If the family hate you and don’t include you and your person is not on your side - leave!

[@JasperCatProductions]

My lord, you want to be an outsider for the rest of your life? The sister hates you and is mean to you and he does nothing. Then he puts his brother over you? I mean do you need a brick to hit you in the head? He doesn’t love you the way you love him…..you want to be 3rd or 4th place in his life? Get therapy and figure out why you let your self be treated like this. Absolutely ridiculous

[@sjade15]

I for real asked out loud why they were with this person. WTF! I know OP doesn't see it, but they were just given a blessing! Be free OP! Run through the fields of singleness and find yourself a good one!

[@wickedamoeba8719]

My heart breaks for OP but they should have broken this off eons ago. This was the best possible ending.

[@AAAforshort]

Actually no, best ending would've been HER throwing his ass away and telling him exactly why he's a piece of trash. Still frustrated he got the last word in the end

[@RedOnly]

She's not even second to him. More like 11th. After family as a whole, individual,extended ,band, and work. I can't think of any one or thing she comes before to him besides her dreams 🤷‍♀️

[@dandotvid]

"My boyfriend tells me he loves me, that I'm pretty, that he's lucky to have me, but I will always want more." Sheesh, OP. That's a pretty healthy way for a man to express his love for you. Can't really ask for much more than that honestly.

[@escapec1077]

I just keep hearing her saying “But I love him”. No matter how badly he treats her. Ugh. She dodged a ballistic missile.

[@SkyEcho751]

Story 1: Okay OP, your BF is right, the relationship IS doomed. Because as I see it he has done *nothing* to actually help maintain his relationship with you and you need to leave, given that his go to response is "The relationship is DOOMED" when you bring up a single worry. Heck even in his family they lack any proper form of communication. Update: Wow the sister would shut down OP from talking then claim OP is in the wrong. The Ex is probably a slight narcissist as well.

[@RockyGems]

Jeez, and I thought chatting with at least one person from back home on the phone for twenty-odd minutes every day made me clingy. This is some next-level arrested development!

[@julietaestamo8880]

OMG this man will never get into a relationship without the approval of his family. OP is well rid of him, and deserves an easier more relaxing relationship.

[@CristinaFrank]

OP is making herself out to be an industrial outdoor doormat. I can't imagine staying in a relationship like this for a month, let alone 2 years. Hopefully she grows a backbone.

[@debl3063]

This is an example of one of those relationships where OP thought they had it good, but the relationship was actually her biggest problem. And once they've been apart she'll realize how much stress is off her shoulders and how her anxiety has lessened and how much relief it is to be away from him. No more walking on eggshells or begging for his attention.

[@RosesTeaAndASD]

This is life: Not a Disney movie. You can't save a relationship if the love is one sided.

[@bangeryun94]

OP is a doormat. I hope she gets herself into therapy and the next relationship is more a partnership than a one sided love.

[@WolfyFancyLads]

The saddest part of the story is that OP didn't go nuclear on her ex. He's basically walked out of that relationship blaming her for everything and the family are now justified in their shitty behaviour.

[@justine8387]

Driving to work at an incredibly stressful job and this gives me a little brain break.

[@only1one1me]

Before the update: OP is dating a dependent boy when she needs an independent man. After edit: I wish he could see the Reddit post. She put in all this effort. And he and his stupid little snobby family did nothing. What a useless, cowardly, sniveling little ‘partner’.

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

this is not about love languages, just love. he doesn't love her. she is like his fifth hobby, in order of importance.

[@CrystalBallEclipse]

I had a very similar relationship like this one with my ex. It unfortunately comes to a time where you can’t keep up with it anymore, you see everything clearly and even when you’re trying to fix things and make it greater, the other person won’t try and just make excuses. I’m glad OP is out of this relationship, I know it helped me to get out of it.

[@sadunicorn3863]

I feel sorry for OP but more angry that she allowed herself to be sawyed by his lies and manipulation after knowing his patterned behaviour and actually took him back after the first post. If she had just ended it that day in the park she could have at least left with some dignity in tact but no HE broke up with her. OP's BF was a piece of poo but she was such an AH to herself after her first post and reading the comments. Hopefully she learns in future

[@pansprayers]

I'm willing to bet my left arm, and my favourite blanket that the OP hasn't had many, if any examples of healthy relationships, based on the clues she gave us. You quite literally can not get mad at someone for not knowing something, just because you take it for granted.

[@sadunicorn3863]

@@pansprayers You are correct and I agree. She probs hasn’t had healthy relationships to model on. I wrote that in outrage at the situation. But after that cooled down I realised that I actually felt sad and pitied OP. I didn’t add that bc honestly every one already said what needed to be said about it and I had to vent my outrage as a 3rd party listening to the situation.

[@johnsmith-kt7ef]

The only thing i really agree with this guy on is "he wants op but doesnt need her". This is actually healthy in my opinion. If you "NEED" someone it means you can't go on without them basically. This is not a healthy way to have a relationship and creates codependency issues. However i wouldn't specifically tell someone this, you have to know this would be an issue.

[@Silence-1170]

Wishing you all a waffletastic Wednesday hope you all do well today!

[@jeanproctor3663]

I felt so, so sorry for this young woman and the time she's already wasted on this man-child who is far too co-dependant on his family. He absolutely *would not* have had her back if she had gone along and laid everything out to them as she did him. He's letting his sister dominate his life for one and his whole family are far too closed to frankly accept OP and quite probably any other woman he tries to have a relationship with in the future, to be honest and in fact I was getting real "Hills Have Eyes/Clampitts" vibes from him and his family and wondered if they share one eye that they pass between them on Sundays. He will still be living with them when he's 55 because his darling sister won't like any woman he meets and that he has the gall to take round to meet his family. What a bunch of freaks! OP is definitely better off away from him and them. I do hope she's alright and I really hope she'll be able to guard her heart and protect herself enough in the future if something like this happens again. But if it does I hope she will be able to recognise it as history repeating itself, end the relationship and get out of Dodge with her pride and heart in tact. He now ex made it abundantly clear that she is definitely NOT his priority, that he didn't actually love her at all because his family is making that impossible and that they come above any woman he sees at all and that this will apply for the entirety of his life.

[@MaryTheresa1986]

No wonder he didn't have a girlfriend until he was 25. OP will probably be his first and last.

[@KvDenko]

This story was EXHAUSTING. so glad op is out of that nightmare

[@Mapache095]

I’ve been there OP… it gets better and you learn to never allow anyone to do that to you ever again.

[@rashidasimmons6180]

He wasn't willing to end it in the park because the OP wasn't giving him the emotional feedback he wanted. He needed her to actually want him, he needed the breakup to hurt her... He's just a narcissist

[@LibsOK]

Oh man. This story really triggered some anxiety for me. It reminded me so much of my first relationship (me early 20s, him late 20s). It was so one so one-sided - always doing things on his timetable, always hanging out with his friends and family but never mine, me never feeling like I was allowed to ask for what I wanted/needed etc - yet in the end he said it wouldn't work because I "always had to have things my way". All I can say is, when you are in the situation you end up just putting your head down and working really hard on the relationship because this person is so convincing in telling you "how things are". And they are so sure in their own opinions and actions that you think YOU must be the unreasonable one. I really feel for OP. I hope she will heed some of the commenters and get therapy to work on herself. It took me years to shake off that bad relationship (and even now I get waves of sadness when I hear a story like this and remember how little my younger self settled for).

[@Deedoof]

People with different love languages can make a relationship work. For any healthy relationship you should have three C's; Compromise, communication, and compassion and this relationship is missing two if not all three. OP needs therapy because she deserves better and doesn't see her own worth.

[@OneUponADime]

The bf wasnt a monster for not wanting what she wanted or not prioritizing what she did or wanting a different live language. BUT they were obviously not meant to be together, which sucks because she really loved him and went so far out of her way for him.

[@mirandanils5114]

Ew. I'm almost 22 and I have been with my bf for almost two years, we also have different love languages. We make it work, and he always puts me first. I cannot imagine letting my family dictate my decisions now at 21, let alone at the age of 30. There was even a time my extended family tried to get me to stop spending time with my bf because we saw each other every weekend. I went low contact for a while WITH THEM because he makes me happy and I did not want to lose him in any way. I am just blown away and I hope OP finds someone she deserves, someone way better than that man-child of an exbf.

[@Heydodoakskdkdjf]

OP is spineless and her bf was a coward. I hope she learns to stand up for herself more.

[@audreym3908]

Holy crab! Both OP and her ex sound EXHAUSTING.

[@ljh5141]

OP, you are a loving, giving, beautiful person. You deserve someone who will love you and meet you halfway and all the way! You are absolutely doing the right thing, by starting fresh. Do all those good things that you do for others, for yourself. Treat yourself as well as you do others, you need and deserve your own love, to look after you. If you see fit, spend time with a therapist and hash out those feelings. If you are so inclined, journal your trip back to loving yourself and prioritising yourself. It could be an enlightening process for you. Wishing you love, hope and happiness throughout this journey. Love yourself as you do thers. Those that won't accept your love, are not worthy of receiving it.

[@thebladeofchaos]

Op gave everything and he was taking. the family will always be more important to him then any GF he gets.

[@selinakyle_]

The boyfriend should just date his relatives. Because this is just creepy. Op's 'relationship' or whatever you call it is over. There's nothing there. She needs to drop that loser and move on.

[@insane13juggalo]

Nope that was a great ending! I really hope his family keeps him warm at night and that's the only human connection he ever has. That's his wish anyways I hope he gets it.