I've Fallen Out Of Love With My Husband After A Traumatic Brain Injury r/Relationships

[@sinbadwilliams7186]

Since no one else seems to be saying it I'll do it... How the hell did the guy in story 1 who hit OP with their car get off with just community service? It was a hit and run. That meant the person didnt stop to help the person they hit thus increasing the chance of OP bleeding out or dying depending on severity of injures. That far worse than doing it, but stopping to call for help!

[@mbyerly9680]

Unless they were very young or related to someone with power and money, they wouldn't. Running makes the crime, much, much worse.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

Happens more than you think. A woman I know was in a similar situation. The dude went through a red light hitting her. He got away with just paying a fine, the initial hospital costs and car damage. 4+ years later and she's still unable to work and has weekly therapy she needs to pay out of pocket cuz according to the health insurance she's "cured." Dude is free to do as he pleases.

[@Solkard]

Justice is not blind and laws are not fair or even absolute. Live long enough and you will also realize that money, influence, and connections are what matter when it comes to the legal system.

[@valeriekhall]

@@Nathan_Bookwurm Yep. My college bestie was the victim of a hit-&-run while she was cycling- a pickup blew through a stop sign AND HER, shattering her helmet. He stopped to check the damage on his truck, but took off without checking on HER. She suffered brain damage, while also in the middle of grad school. She had horrific brain fog. She lost her senses of smell and taste for several years. Everything tasted like burned styrofoam. And that jerk got off with a fine & community service. She didn't even get a settlement. Just years of fighting with HER insurance, to cover the much-needed therapies from her LITERAL BRAIN DAMAGE. I am happy to report that she did, in fact, finish her doctorate. And the marriage her bitterly jealous, sabotaging grad advisor swore would end in divorce has instead resulted in an adorable son.

[@EnDB]

Money and connections

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #1: I agree with those who think TBIs are waaaayyyyy above Reddit's paygrade. OP just admitted that her TBI was less than a year ago. The responses and feelings of those who experience TBIs vary widely over the first year, especially, and impulse control is often badly affected. OP's pretty obviously dissociated to a certain extent and otherwise exhibiting abnormal sensations and feelings. That detachment is a symptom. It's not rational and it's probably transitory. OP needs *not* to blow up her marriage based on idiots on Redditor encouraging her bad impulse control and telling her to get a divorce that she could regret even just a few months down the road.

[@Resilient_Sage88]

I get "Golden retriever" vibes from Hubby in story 1. He's super affectionate and wants to be around OP to the point of being mildly annoying but I'm glad he's at least trying to do right by her. A lot of spouses in Reddit stories aren't so great. Also story 2 wholesomely kinky? Lol

[@VesnaVK]

Mildly annoying? The nurses threw him out of his wife's hospital room. They would only do that if there's something extreme. There's something wrong with him.

[@madambutterfly1997]

Reminds me of the story where the husband had a brain tumor and stopped loving his wife.

[@jmcdrawer5031]

Wow how low down of him

[@NemFX]

Unfortunately he died. They didn't take him back to the hospital, he insisted on driving, had another seizure behind the wheel, and died. :(

[@adamkaufman724]

​@NemFX that wasn't a brain tumor, that was the result of another traumatic brain injury, and he became a religious crazy person.

[@madambutterfly1997]

@adamkaufman724 no that was a story where the wife had such a high body count that she wanted to remain celibate out of guilt and shame and she was begging her husband to move on

[@adamkaufman724]

@madambutterfly1997 no no, I was replying to NemFX's comment above mine.

[@meagancall5005]

I may be a bad person for finding this funny, but how many times have you heard/seen the trope: "I don't get their relationship... she's SO annoying. She must be amazing in the sack." And... story one boils down to: "I don't get our relationship. He's SO annoying." But it turns out: "He's amazing in the sack." I mean, I know there's more to it than that, I don't want to make light of TBI. It does sound like he's a genuinely loving partner with some irritating quirks, but I couldn't help being amused when OP talks about how everything clicked once they started having sex again. I think the commenters in the end all had the right perspective on this, but I'm still laughing.

[@angelaa7388]

That was my thought too, like "ugh why do I even put up with this guy??" OP gets the D and then, "oooooohhhh, I get it now." Lmao!😂

[@meirin5316]

yeah its silly isnt it? hahaha

[@meirin5316]

i have really bad depression so sometimes i cant even feel love then. my fiance knows it. him giving me time when my depression is what does it for me. i dont feel pushed then and therefore i feel so understood and accepted which makes me feel loved and that gets me out of depression and my feeling of loving comes back then. i dont know why i am like that but i am sure its not normal depression

[@Solkard]

This may sound a bit random, but this story seemed like an excellent example of what it means when men’s channels bring up concerns about a woman’s ability to pair bond. Of course this seemed like a more stark scenario what it’s like when that bond is sudden cut or turned off. Still it’s an interesting glimpse of the contrast between when that bond is there and when it isn’t.

[@destinedtogame]

I had an ax where the one thing that mattered the most to her was physical intimacy. So every time she felt distant from me we would have sex a lot. So for some women it's what matters. For my wife not so much. She prefers a clean house over a good lay

[@EnDB]

He's sounds annoying AF, but he also sounds like a sweetheart who's trying.

[@SergioBicerra]

Hahaha thought the same, but sounds he loves her very much, so gladly they stay together

[@destinedtogame]

Who isn't annoying lol

[@EnDB]

Taking pictures with the flash in a movie theater full of people and mashing a person with a brain injury into a corner of their hospital bed to fit is a level of annoying I've never heard of.

[@valeriekhall]

There is no such thing as sex good enough that I wouldn't have kicked him out before the nurses did. Seriously, how irritating does he have to be for the nurses to kick him out for annoying THEM?!?! But as long as she's happy, I'm happy for her....

[@Swnsasy]

Idk why Mark didn't read the last update.. It's there.. I just heard this one on Lost Genre... Hmmm

[@Ashbrash1998]

Its gotta be difficult to have thr brain injury and also be the loved one too. Because on one hand if you're disconnected from who you were before, everything feels bizarre. And on the other hand, your partner is trying to do the usual stuff you did and push you to get back into the daily routine.

[@19nmiller1]

I'm a neuroscientist and to say we don't know how the brain truly works is an understatement. The craziest story I've heard is the man missing 90% of his brain who didn't even realize until he was in his 40s. Of course we know where certain functions are generally located, such as the hippocampus with memory, but otherwise theres a lot of complex connections we don't understand the extent of. TBIs in particular affect the brain in so many ways and its way beyond Reddits paygrade for a situation this complex.

[@faeb.9618]

90% of his brain?!?!?!?! holy shit i need to know more, HOW was he alive and living normally (relatively i assume? at least enough to not notice???) like that??? the human brain is absolutely wild

[@nathryl03]

I second the comment above mine. How the heck was he functioning well enough to not notice until his 40s.

[@devonmmi]

i also would like to know the story about the man missing 90% of his brain

[@19nmiller1]

I *love* this case study, so I'm happy to talk about it! If you want to read the paper directly, it's called "Brain of a white-collar worker" by Feuillet and Dufour (2007). To summarize it, a 44 year old man went to the hospital with mild leg pain, and upon getting an MRI, it was shown that the majority of his head was empty. It was revealed that when he was a baby, he had hydrocephalus, which is major swelling in the ventricles, those cavities inside the brain. So his brain was basically squished up against the borders of his skull from the inside out and was forced to develop from there. They did neuropsychological testing and found he had an IQ of about 75, so below average intelligence, but still functional. He even had a wife and kids. The MRI scans of his basically empty head are insane. You can just Google "man missing 90% of brain" and the first results that pop up show it.

[@uHasioorr]

I'm completely unrelated to the field, but I always wondered why do you differentiate between gray matter in our skull, "brain", and the rest "nervous system". There are stories of people having their heart transplanted and that changed for example their taste in oranges. Before transplant they didn't like it and after transplant they crave it. Curios thing about that is that heart donor really liked oranges. It's like his taste in oranges was transplanted with nerves in the heart. Wouldn't it be more prudent to consider "brain" and "nervous system" as one, as just "brain"? After all it's not like there is a clear cut off point like in computers where you can see ports, pins, cables etc. Maybe "nervous system" compensated for missing "90% of the brain"?

[@elzettedonaldson7777]

I had a stroke late 2020 and suffers from retrograde amnesia. It led to my divorce, I lost everything and starting my life over in my 40's. Dont know if memories will ever come back, but I try to see it as a challenge and a new beginning

[@carolroberts4614]

I'm so sorry! I hope you can get some good new memories ,and that at least some of your old memories come back.

[@Mama_Bear_of_3]

Story 1. I had a TBI when I was 8 because a guy drunk driving on his Harley hit me. My mom said that I went from a sweet, kind, and gentle child, to a little brody, quick to anger, pain in the ass. However, within a year as I healed I did go back to my old self. The only real issue I have now from my past TBI is my neurologist believe it has contributed to my early onset of Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI). MCI is a very mild form of dementia. I will never get to the point that I won't remember anyone or anything like that. But, I do struggle with word processing and a bit of short term memory. TBI post-injury emotional changes don't usually lead to a true personality disorder. Instead, they're from symptoms that will go away if one gets the right treatment. Undergoing these emotional changes or watching your loved one suffer through them is really hard. OP is doing the right thing by seeing a psychiatrist, and hopefully getting treatment with a neurologist.

[@T_P_W_ThachoZenjuan]

My first TBI was at almost 3 yrs old via a horse kick. I had to relearn so much. Definitely changed me. Then came the other TBI's. Definitely normal to have a personality change.

[@UnicornOfDepression]

#2: NTA. "You turned intimacy into a weaponized transaction. Why?" _"I read a magazine article."_ "There's the problem."

[@sammieh9695]

Story 2 does have a wholesome ending. What's more wholesome than finding out the person you love is the same flavor of freak you are?

[@sadtitties222]

Exactly! Sex, especially with new kinks, can be wholesome if the people involved are consenting and happy. 😁

[@sammieh9695]

@sadtitties222 yeah, communication wins the day! He was upset that the whole sex life got taken over by the roleplay, communicated that, and his wife took the time to see his point of view and rectify her behavior. Those folks are kinky and wholesome af and I'm all for it!

[@sammyk.6457]

So this has nothing to do with the video I just feel like I have to say this, last night I had a dream that Mark did a face reveal but he was a really wrinkly old man with creepy eyes and boney face but his arms were really buff, the only way to tell if it was him was the tattoo on his arm. I’m sorry if you read this Mark.

[@d0pi]

LMAO that's funny as

[@nightmarehound]

CreepypastaMark

[@mericawillis2338]

🤣🤣🤣 that’s a scary yet funny dream

[@carolroberts4614]

Was he rattling the chains to Markee's prison cell, like Jacob Marley?

[@Azulakayes]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@TheT93]

I have a TBI. I lost a lot of friends because of it. I know OP says she doesn't feel like she's more irritable but she more than likely is. I was and didn't realize it. It took someone finally getting up the courage to actually say it to me (knowing what I'd been through) to realize how irritable I had been. Little things about people I care about would drive me nuts. It took a lot of introspection to get through that. I'm still a completely different person but much less of a jerk now.

[@jwbrooks55]

S2: Weaponizing sex inside of a marriage is far more evil then people give credit for. It’s a form of abuse. It’s a power game.

[@theresaschuebel5151]

I have been there. The last time I was with my ex husband he said he was willing and wanted sex with me. I was crying and bagging him to be honest with me that he really wanted it because he loved me. The next morning he said now that you got what you wanted can I spend the day with the person he left me for since ot was her birthday. Then he called me warrden. Like I was his jailer. He broke me that day.

[@errantwinds-up8uu]

@@theresaschuebel5151I'm so sorry that happened to you

[@ineedhoez]

Lmao... how is it abusive? You aren't entitled to sex.

[@spibow]

​@@ineedhoezIt is abusive when somebody uses it to assert control over something. It's like love bombing, which is unquestionably an abuse tactic - showering someone with love and affection to keep them around... But withholding it when they're well in or behaving "badly". Weaponizing sex is a microcosm of that.

[@ineedhoez]

@@spibow let's call it intimacy instead. No one is entitled to sex. When you piss me off, I don't want to sleep with you. End of story.

[@v_doll]

What the actual fuck? ☠️ That woman had a near death experience that might have permanentny altered her brain, how is she the asshole for the way her brain works now? None of this is her fault. She's not an asshole for admitting to herself how she feels. That's just life sometimes, it's tragic for both of them but it's not her nor his fault she had a traumatic brain injury.

[@kylemeyer2139]

I think a lot of people don't understand/are scared to really understand that your whole life/personality/who you are can change like that and it's easier for them to assign blame. Agree with you 100%

[@dream6562]

Vows where for better or for worse, he is fulfilling his vows, she isn't, she's the ahole

[@daddytopps8261]

Most likely because she per her comments, say that she doesn't care for him and wouldn't mind if he'd been in the car with her and died.

[@dandotvid]

@@daddytopps8261 wait she said that? OUCH that makes her such a bad person. Not loving your husband anymore and wishing they had died because they're annoying you now are two totally different things.

[@daniellesmetts1580]

I think you don’t understand brain injuries because you’re definitely missing how impulsive many people with TBIs become. They often make bad, uninformed decisions based off of a fleeting feeling and regret the disasters that they are left with after the consequences of their own actions have settled. It’s not wrong for her to have feelings and ultimately this woman seems to have made the right choice to put in the effort and not just make a rash decision based off of incomplete data and fleeting/skewed feelings. She also wouldn’t be the asshole if she ultimately put in the effort and decided that she isn’t the same person and her love for her husband wouldn’t return. But from the limited information we have from this post it looks like she was ultimately happy that she didn’t make a rash decision and allowed her supportive husband back into her heart. And yes he is absolutely supportive even if she perceived that he is ‘annoying’ at times. If he wasn’t he wouldn’t have been bedside, gone to counseling, put in the effort to win her over again, or been patient when many people would have left out of hurt and frustration.

[@christinesinclair6938]

S1: Saw this before. TBI's are no joke and are way beyond Reddit's paygrade. Though, after the update, I think OP undertands why she puts up with him to a certain extent, eh? S2: Saw this one before too! Again, communicaton is the solution to the problem, and this appears to have awakened something in OP2....

[@johexxkitten]

A tutor in my college days had a fall (downstairs at home) she had a TBI... She was a lovely lady, but extremely buttoned up. Think about the "tirrably english" straight & upright 1950s secretary archetype. Afterwards her daughters said she was the same mum, but more openly affectionate. But she didn't just dislike her husband she despised him. She apparently had memories repeating in her head of him actually pushing her downstairs. She said she had no proof, or even knew this was 100% true or her TBI talking. But she bought ALL new clothes, burned everything she ever wore, including her wedding dress. She divorced him, switched to teaching part time, and bought a motorbike!! and last I saw her, she was off touring Europe on her motorbike for the summer and came back with a girlfriend and was very openly gay. No one - not even her knows if this was just her but hidden & controlled by life before or whether she did actually change into a literal new person. But she was super happy & so were her daughters...

[@mellogerman]

The jump from story 1 to story 2 broke my spine xD

[@KeitieKalopsia]

Hahahaha

[@ReformingRegent]

Story 1: yeah, coming to Reddit for this is probably not the best idea to get reliable advice. Way too many of the commenters are telling the op to divorce, when they could just talk it out and have a professional diagnose op and her relationship with her husband, instead of people who pretend to know what their talking about.

[@quartzskull8772]

She's literally been diagnosed and she literally has no feelings for him, do you expect her to fake it till it boils over? Divorce is healthiest in this situation

[@hazeltulip]

@@quartzskull8772 no it’s generally recommended that people with TBI. Don’t make major changes for six months to a year because their brain is still healing, Reddit is giving terrible advice.

[@bec1482]

​@@quartzskull8772 I get that but I think what they are trying to say in the comment is to talk it over with an actual professional first and get their advice before making any rash decisions. Reddit isn't really the best place to get advice for something as complex as a brain injury. I personally think she doing the right thing, in going out on little dates with him and writing things down in a diary and them both going to have a proper chat with a doctor about it... I don't know how long shes been married to her husband but she at least owes it to him to give it a try for a few months becuase otherwise it just defeats the purpose of marriage in my opinion. Why get married to someone if your not gonna fight for it and instead just immediatly go for the divorce option without giving it a try or a chance and both having a proper chat with a professional first. I mean their are exceptions to this, like if they cheated or did something awful but in this case I think OP needs to see what an actual professional thinks first and give it a try for a few months, if after a few months and still nothing then yes, OP should think about divorce. Brain injuries are complex and unpredictable, her feelings could return or they could not, nobody knows which is another reason why I think she shouldn't be too hasty here.

[@ohno7153]

@@bec1482she doesn’t really owe him anything.

[@bec1482]

@@ohno7153 She married him, that's her husband... whats the point of marrying someone and saying those vows if your not gonna even try and just throw it away after all those years togethor. You just wake up one morning and be like "don't love you anymore, bye" instead of giving it a chance and seeing if it could be fixed. She needs to give it a chance for a few months and have a chat with a professional first at least.

[@Peeges_]

I jumped from a moving vehicle out of fear, I was being taken against my will (a story for another day) I never reported it to police, or went to a hospital. But I believe I also suffered a tbi. (I forgot days after the accident, started noticing drastic changes in my preferences, was no longer capable of doing certain things I was previously very talented at) strong NTA. I’m sure she’s struggling with this just as much if not more than her husband.

[@Peeges_]

Context: the accident was related to abuse and dv. I blamed myself for everything leading up to the accident, and the accident itself. I wasn’t really in the proper head space to report it or properly take care of myself.

[@VesnaVK]

Maybe that was what caused those effects?

[@Peeges_]

@@VesnaVK oh I absolutely believe so ! I didn’t connect it a traumatic brain injury until years later though.

[@jackchop1576]

Story 1: "He also whines!" 😂😂😂

[@IrisAsuras]

I have had numerous TBIs, some pretty severe and some milder. Brain injuries are accumulative and there are long term effects. It's why a lot of people criticize American football and I think, boxing. I have had issues with memory, motor skills, health problems, etc.

[@seshthecat]

Never just ignore the small annoying things, they end up building up and exploding eventually.

[@NemFX]

Story one: Medical field here, you need to go to the hospital, now. Get someone to drive you. Do not operate a car. This sounds like a side effect of your TBI. Insist on an MRI. This sounds like issues from swelling, probably in your frontal lobe, which controls most of the stuff that makes you, well, YOU. Have you noticed any issues with your sight or coordination? That would be the back of your brain and upper spine. Do not wait for more to happen. Go get it checked out.

[@gmun2248]

It sounds like OP has had a lot of medical involvement. She has doctors, and states she has had PT for her brain injury. The symptoms she describes are not uncommon for something like post-concussion syndrome/ persistent concussion symptoms, which is poorly understood by the medical community but can be treated at specialist centres. If she has had PT for brain injury, she has likely been attending a specialist centre. I live with chronic effects of TBI. I've also previously been in a neuro-related academic field.

[@goatkiller666]

I had a spinal cord injury in the early 00’s. Once it was properly diagnosed, it took a little while to get the OR scheduled, etc. They prescribed an off-brand use of an older anti-depressant, because it had a sedating side-effect. But apparently it also had some behavioral changes. I spent several weeks actively angry at my wife. Which… I felt a certain way in my body and thinking, it felt like she’d done me wrong… and suddenly, everything she did just “proved” that I had grounds for being angry at her. Honestly, I was behaving like a spoiled teenager who is mad at being grounded, and now anything else mom does is worth a screaming tantrum. Luckily, I don’t throw actual tantrums… I was being just generally a dick to her. And in the middle of an argument I’d started over something so trivial, I don’t even remember what it was, she pushed back at me that I’d been being a dick since I was first diagnosed. And only then did I put it together… I felt like I was mad at her, so I was inventing stuff retroactively she must have done to earn me being angry. But when I actually thought it through, there was never a first thing she did wrong… I was just mad, and invented this post hoc rationalization for why. Once I’d made that connection, I could identify the drug-induced anger differently from a valid anger response to some environmental stimulus. And luckily, that medication was only to help me sleep until they could get the surgery sorted out, after which I got a whole bunch of other medications instead. It amazes me how much we are unlike the fully rational monolithic entities we think we are. We can get hangry. We default to a state of hypocrisy, even when we’re confronted with proof. We can simultaneously want two mutually exclusive things, for opposite reasons. I knew a guy who was a vegetarian for moral (not religious) reasons, and who really loved his expensive leather jacket. Dudes will pressure women into having sex with them, then publicly call those women out for being impure. That other group of people we don’t like not only is SUPER lazy and incompetent, but always on the lookout to steal our jobs.

[@bettreon]

Story 1. The commentor saying " nothing changed for him" no, everything changed for him too, his wife has had a tbi and he cant do anything to truly help. And based off op's comments he's going to be getting divorced and have his world destroyed even further. After the update those are the reason she "doesn't love him and find him annoying" really? Then people here are telling you these are deal breakers..wtf is wrong with people. So many people think people have to be perfect and it's honestly gross.

[@Splatoon_Kirby]

Look if my partner is constantly taking photos of me IN A MOVIE THEATER DURING A MOVIE and POKING ME EVEN IF I ASKED THEM TO STOP MULTIPLE TIMES I'm fucking leaving their ass no matter how sweet or nice they are outside of that. Shes said shes gonna work with him on it, focus on the good, and he'll focus on not doing the things that annoy her LIKE POKING OR FORCING HER TO EAT FOOD SHE DOESN'T WANT.

[@Russman67]

Story 2: At least OP has a good sense of humor about things. The reward and punishment system does sound like something that came off of TikTok. Good thing they were able to straighten this out and hopefully find a new kink they can enjoy. 🤣

[@valeriekhall]

Story 1: There was a whole movie about this starring Channing Tatum & Rachel McAdams. "The Vow." Based on a real life story of a lady who entirely forgot her husband following a TBI. So he started over from scratch asking her on a first date, etc. Story 2: Since OP specifies he always pulled his weight & didn't weaponize incompetence, this doesn't sound like one of those gross Daddy Sticker Charts commenters were mentioning. Doesn't sound like bitterness or resentment, either, since it's *just* with sex. Sounds like wifey wanted to get her groove back by trying out mild dom/sub to make herself feel powerful, without talking to hubs first. But instead, that crappy non-communication has made him feel devalued & used. Post-update: HA, I KNEW IT! Happy for them to have gotten back on track!

[@WolfyFancyLads]

Quick thing about brain injuries: The information isn't inherently lost. What we know about memory and such is that we have a simple format: memory > short term > long term. If we don't commit it to short term, it disappears. If we don't commit it to long term, we forget entirely. Dementia, for example, affects long term and prevents people from remembering family, events, even who they are. Likewise, people can have long term memories but be unable to make new memories as they lack short term (like one case who had herpes destroy his short term. To him, every day was the same day.) In OP's case, given I doubt her brain is missing chunks, the synapse simply isn't connected. The feelings they have after sex, finding the annoying bits endearing again, is that connection being traced over again, which implies they could very much be able to fall in love once more regardless of how they feel now. Sure, sometimes the memory is lost forever, the brain is the weakest part of our body cos it's like 95% water and 5% jelly (it's basically a trifle that puppets a skeleton...), but there's been a few cases of the brain reconnecting. Likewise, there's been cases of it not _entirely_ doing so, but shadows of memories enable them to recreate who they were (like the story of the woman who forgot who her boyfriend was and was able to fall back in love with him all over again). It's not a positive fact on brain injuries, sometimes you lose a person forever, but in OP's case it sounds like she'll be able to recover fully in time. As I said, what she feels is that connection to her emotions being traced. Should she carry on indulging it, then odds are she'll carve that path back into her brain.

[@gmun2248]

It's not uncommon. You are describing neuroplasticity, something we have only really begun to understand exists. Neuro research is expanding our knowledge exponentially each year - & we still know very little. After a brain injury, different parts of the brain that have been injured take different amounts of time to heal. There are many treatments where therapies (PT, ST, OT, neuropsychiatry etc) can be equated with physiotherapy for an injured muscle. New neural pathways are formed constantly. In brain injury recovery, these are activated deliberately and worked on in the same way you would regain muscle function & strength. The severity of the brain injury does still affect this, but the brain has incredible healing capabilities we are only beginning to understand. If, for example, tissue dies (eg in stroke), that function cannot be regained in the same pathways, but this doesn't mean new pathways cannot be formed. Speaking from personal experience with TBI & also with academic neurocognitive research experience. Also, just for the sake of accuracy, a brain injury doesn't have to involve memory at all. It depends on what part of the brain has been injured.

[@PuppyKatt]

Story 1: I am so sorry about your accident. I hope that you heal fully, including regaining the love you had for your husband. Story 2: Time to call "deal-breaker." This is horrific manipulation that you should not put up with. Good luck. Edit Story 2, after update: I am glad that the two of you communicated, and I am acutally happy that the situation awoke something in you, so that you can both enjoy. Thank you for this pleasing update.

[@lilolmecj]

A TBI often kind of removes a filter, that both allows us to overlook obnoxious behavior, and often the one that keeps a person from saying/doing things generally considered obnoxious. In the case of husband’s behavior, some sound like things he should stop doing. The taking flash photos in a movie, and taking unflattering photos are not necessarily abusive, but they are obnoxious in a grown person. What is mildly annoying and occasionally annoying in a thirteen year old is downright intolerable in a thirty three year old.

[@cindervox9961]

Story 2 reminded me of this TIFU post. Guy writes in that his GF puts her hair up in a ponytail every time she went down on him. After a while his body started reacting any time she put her hair up. Sex is a hell of a drug lol.

[@bhart3321]

Hey my gfs do that too it's pretty universal isn't it. Plus girls just look so much cuter with the effortless ponytail or pigtails. Don't know why it's a TIFU post though unless he chubbed up at very inopportune time in front of her boss or parents or whomever.

[@davidnash8208]

I feel very sorry for OP's husband. He loves her unconditionaly, her annoying habits (which are not mentioned) he overlooks, he does everything he can for her, and is told she no longer loves him. What a devastating thing to be told, but he loves her so much he is willing to stay while she goes through trying to reconnect. Her injuries are terrible and I hope she recovers in every way. I hope he is able to recover from the injury she did to him.

[@threeducks157]

This one hit home. During my service our humble hit an IED, thankfully it was armor plated so no one died. I did however sustained a head injury that left a large face scar and a severe head injury. At first no real lasting neurological damage was noted, but I slowly started to show a change, I went from bubbly and cheerful, picture that one jock in hs that talks to everyone regardless of what circle you ran in and always hsd your back against jerks. I’m now more or less robotic, emotionless and uncaring, I can only express genuine emotion for very strong feelings like the love for my kiddos and my wife and other family. Another thing is my lack of empathy.

[@lisawhereisthecultjam]

First story: maybe this is the is the chance to look at your relationship objectively?

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

"phenomenon", is singular and "phenomena", is plural, so it's never "a phenomena", always, "a phenomenon".

[@bobbievedvick9334]

It depends where the injury is. The frontal lobe removes inhibitions. The temporal lobes are different on left side from right side. I had a patient with left sided brain injury to the temporal lobe who was an avid outdoorsman. After the injury he had zero interest in the sporting side of the outdoors. He had always enjoyed photography but became a wonderful photographer after the injury. It also affected his appetite control, which is common enough for left-sided temporal injury, and he became quite heavy. Occipital lobe is different still. Where the changes can be very noticeable and profound at first, they can calm down and be less pronounced as time goes on, but it does't seem to return completely to the state prior to the injury. A doctor once told me that after 35 years of studying and working with brain injury, he still cannot fully predict outcome. He's seen it all. He says that after decades of study, science still doesn't fully understand how the brain works and why there are such dramatic outcomes for brain injury in some and nearly none in others. I had a patient that was rear-ended in a minor car accident. She was fine for a month. Then little by little she had these "creeping" symptoms, starting from the occipital region where her head hit on the head rest. Over a month's time I watched her condition degenerating before my eyes. All the work of the doctors couldn't stop the spread of the condition that started at the point of injury and just kept spreading, and started with a simple rear-ending at lower speed. She started with dizzy spells and progressed to occasional slurred speech or sudden blank spells; she became incontinent, lost her ability to speak, couldn't walk and became a complete invalid before dying. It was termed "progressive brain syndrome" for lack of a better term, I was told. It was heart-breaking. She was only in her 40's----my age at the time. On the opposite spectrum was a young man in his twenties whose ATV had a structural malfunction wherein the handle bars fell off going downhill on a mountain road, throwing him at 35 MPH over the front and landing on his forehead (frontal lobe). When he was first admitted to my wing, his eyes were completely loose and rolling about with uncontrollable limbs flailing in all directions; no speech, just constant guttural and non-verbal noises; couldn't follow commands at all, of course; no apparent recognition of people or time or place. His case was the most severe I personally had had to deal with. After 2 months of intense therapy, he was finally deemed permanently damaged with no further hope of recovery. He had "plateaued", and was sent to a long-term care facility for the brain injured;, but his fiancé' and family worked with him every day and refused to accept the outcome. The doctors and nurses shook their heads in sadness for the situation. A year later, the young man came back to the hospital using a cane to walk, but I might add, in what appeared to be otherwise, full control of his limbs. He personally thanked each of the nurses who had taken care of him. He remembered a surprising amount of what went on and vaguely remembered most of the nurses who had cared for him. He spoke with a bit of a halt, but spoke none the less with understanding. We were completely blown away. I still am. He will never fully recover to his former self, but there's hope he'll be able to find employment enough to support himself. His fiancé' never left his side. The doctors found it incredible, but once again said nobody can fully predict the brain. It will be a study that may never be completed.

[@pennybast3953]

I had a TBI as a kid. There's about a month that I'll never recall and another year that is VERY hit and miss. I have the knowledge that I gained from school, but I don't remember learning it.

[@astrofan1993]

As it was already pointed out, traumatic brain injuries can lead to some changes in one's personality. I once knew a woman whose son had also a traumatic brain injury as a result from a car crash, and the hobbies that used to interest him no longer did. It is possible that, as the brain continues to heal from the injury and new neural pathways are formed, feelings and memories can come back. It takes time and effort, but it is possible. I can only hope that OP is able to fully reconnect with her husband on an emotional level and remember what it is that she loved about him. All the best to her.

[@juliebiggerbear7300]

2:24 my cousin was beaten almost to death, out partying one St. Patrick’s day, and among other things suffered a TBI. There was no memory past age 10. Over a decade of living just gone. I took about that long for the memories to come back. OP needs to be honest about what’s happening. if she’s worried about his reaction, I would suggest bringing up the subject with her therapist present.

[@kayq3231]

My dad's tbi affected his appetite. He didn’t care to eat and had very few foods he actually liked. I hope everything goes well for them.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Story 2 NTA. I cannot condone this. She's treating him like I don't even know. Mind blowing sex for him doing HER chores? Just manipulative IMO. Even after the update I don't like it 🤷🏾‍♀️ Sounds like some weird kink OP didn't consent to that she won't be honest about

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

This won't end well. And in the end he gets excited by the proposal that he can reward her when she's a good wife? I can't be the only one who thinks rewarding "wifey/hubby duties" is a baaad idea.

[@bhart3321]

You're 100% correct. She sounds like she's gone down the female Tates rabbit hole (FDS/sprinkle sprinkle) & it's as gross & sexist as anything that misogynistic pos puts out. BDSM isn't something you just unilaterally implement. There's discussion of consent & boundaries. The fact she just did this with zero discussion is telling & it's only gonna get worse. I'm sure there will be an update within the next few months maybe a year but it's coming where he's divorcing her cuz her abuse got worse.

[@rubymeaddle]

Did you comment before hearing the end orrrr

[@drawn_by_starla9462]

Traumatic brain injuries are so terrifying on an existential level. The fact that your whole personality can change... It's just so scary

[@demontoaster5670]

My husband has multiple tbi's. Any hit to his head could cause this sort of thing to happen, and it's sickening. I feel so much pain for OP, but her husband... my throat closes up thinking about it

[@TheScaletIbisNW]

Op. The way you describe the things about him that annoy you it sounds rational. The only brain injury I had was as a toddler. It was a pretty bad, untreated concussion. However, I am also nerodivergant. I don't have the energy to deal with people that are really needy or up in my space. I have other health conditions. When they flare I very much dislike people like your husband even if they are people I usually love. You are recovering and don't have the energy for his intense needs. If you can find a marriage counselor that specializes in TBI/accident recovery i highly recommend. Also as someone who is ADD and surrounded by tons of people with ADD, bipolar, and anxiety he may want to be tested for any of these. It sounds like his mind is always racing...This is also torture for the person who has to endure living in this state. It's completely exhausting. I have family members just like this and I can tell it's really hard on them.

[@nofrackingzone7479]

Okay story one. I had a TBI due to an auto accident many years ago. Is the change permanent? Yes. I’ve recovered, finished college, have a well paying job but I’m not the same person I was before. I was told I was more aggressive and all that goes with that, afterwards I am quite lay back, my SO says too laidback sometimes. So yeah it permanent.

[@jennywhite2462]

I have a brain tumor and I am versed in tbi because of the position of my tumor if I ever have to have it removed it's likely to cause trauma. So I have researched. A shift in personality, habits and feelings isn't uncommon after a tbi but I have to say the way OP described her husband it sounds more like she had a life threatening event occur and thought why I am I with this person. She has her memories and states she doesn't have amnesia so it sounds like she just realized maybe her husband expects too much of her and doesn't give as much in return.

[@rosalindalaboy7111]

Communication saves the day in both stories today! Nice.

[@winterkind1772]

Story 2: Yeah my mind went straight to tiktok as well. While there are so many positive things about this app (I learned how to knit my fav stitch and learned cool new technics for my cosplays), there is a part of this app that's just... ... why... But I'm glad they both communicated their problems and found a way to turn it into something more.... fun. Lol.

[@jwbrooks55]

Story one. Everything her husband does annoys OP. Here’s what’s going to happen, she will casually run into some guy that gives her the tingles, and she’ll drop her husband like a bad habit.

[@selcatron]

Are you dense she has a TBI

[@Solkard]

It’s possible. But she has expressed enough remorse over not feeling attracted to her husband to begin with, to not go about it in a heartless manner. She lost her attraction to him, she didn’t suddenly start hating him or turn into a sociopath.

[@KadeStringer2.0]

@@Solkardit’s not remorse .

[@hotcurrypie]

Oh this sounds so sad and I’ve seen it happening as I work with adults who have had TBIs.

[@sarahlyon157]

Story 2: one of my partners and I use an app that allows you to earn points to cash in for rewards, or receive punishments for failing to do a task. But we do Special positions or roleplays for rewards, not regular intimacy.

[@YoYo-gt5iq]

TBI is no joke. As someone with brain damage, I've changed.

[@buckeyenative1365]

I know someone whose husband divorced her after a TBI (she almost died) because she was no longer the person he originally fell in love with. So much for "in sickness and in health." She went on to find someone who loves her for her.

[@darkkit1994]

I wrote an essay about how I changed after mine, just to process it. The weirdest thing about mine is that I've had two, and both times what I like to eat literally changed. I changed soda preferences. I crave juice daily. I feel neutral on chocolate now (I was a chocolate fiend). After this story I feel so lucky my feelings about my wife didn't change.

[@jmarie9997]

My skin crawled listening to the description of his behavior.

[@CouncilEstateRach]

Mee three... some days I feel a bit alone and lonely and then I remember why I enjoy being single.

[@D123-f9k]

Story 1: Part of working on building back that relationship should be addressing some of those things she mentioned hating. Some of that is inconsiderate/rude. Don’t just get back to being love blind and ignoring behaviors he could consciously change with effort, build up to an even stronger marriage.

[@davidnash8208]

She should also work on her bad habits.

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

Maybe this brain injury will give this woman the backbone she needs to tell him to stop being so inconsiderate.

[@rooroolaboo]

Sadly this happened to two friends of mine. We honestly thought they would eventually marry, they were so in love. Then one day he came off his skateboard and wasn't wearing a helmet. It was bad. He now has seizures and vision issues but the worst was all his love for her vanished completely. It broke her completely and she moved away.

[@goatkiller666]

Funny side-story: now I want to see a Cesar Milan Dog Whisperer-style show about rehabilitating bad boyfriends. Not like an actual show, but like a running skit on Saturday Night Live.

[@alexashcraft116]

The rose tinted goggles came off and now she sees the red flags.

[@julesMillie77]

Good morning/afternoon Mark. Kids were just sent off to school and now I am enjoying a coffee and your post

[@meezerluvr]

Story 1 - OP should have gone to see a Neuropsychologist. TBI is their biggest specialty. They can look at information on what area of the brain was damaged and how any surgery is performed, then determine how that will likely impact the person, including ability and behavior. They then provide coping mechanisms and help the patient navigate both recovery and the new normal. Even brain surgeons consult neuropsychologists before surgery to determine the best plan with least impact to the patient. While not completely useless, a psychiatrist was not the professional for this type of issue.

[@goatkiller666]

Story 2 - I’ve heard posts here about stuff like: my partner is only bathing once a week (or whatever regressive childish thing), and at least one person will suggest “why not invite your partner to come shower with you, romantic-like?” My ex used to warn me that me playing computer games is fine, but if she were to summon me while wearing lingerie or whatever, I’d better be willing to put the game on pause, no questions asked. She later admitted that if the same thing happened in reverse, she would very much resent me expecting her to drop whatever she’s doing to have sex, though. That might be borderline SA, even.

[@goatkiller666]

As an aside, I’m curious if this would fall within “alienation of affection” laws. Drunk driver did a thing, now OP’s husband is losing a wife. It obviously wasn’t done on purpose to break them up, but still… he did a thing, there was an effect.

[@kelseybeckman1723]

Ah yes those adorable quirks of being an asshole to the people around you just going about their day.

[@bioshockbrat9171]

As long as the victim doesn't die, then it's more likely they are to get off with a lighter sentence since hey, you didn't die and should be grateful

[@josephmbimbi]

Story 1: WIth the help of friends and specialist, she should tell him everything about her feelings. I am 100% convinced her annoyance has nothing to do with the brain trauma, she feels what she feels and I guarantee her lack of love and annoyance are perceptible. if i'm the husband, i would be WAY more hurt by the lack of communication, the coldness, the "i don't want to hurt his feelings", thank you i'm a grown ass man, i am responsible for my own emotions, am i not a safe space to you, do you not trust me to have hard and crucial conversations ? If you emotions have been cut off from the accident, i would hope the mind stills connects the dots.

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

This woman's brain injury is thankfully not that bad as she still cares about his feelings. My mom's brain injury makes it so she has no empathy or imagination when it comes to anyone's feelings except her own, which, to be fair, are quite tortured.

[@carleyglambert-secondchannel79]

2 good endings with great communications I know in past reddit stories I have heard never had a good ending. Story 1: Hope OP and her hubby can work things out etc and story 2 : Good to see Op and wife talking it out. Neither walked away mad after the updates. Thank you

[@VesnaVK]

Story 1: Husband sounds awful and manipulative. These aren't annoying little quirks. What does it take for the nurses to throw out a patient's husband? A LOT. Taking photos with a flash in a movie theater? Talking through the film? Rude to everyone. Sounds like the TBI merely broke the sex spell he cast over OP.

[@lorifiedler13]

Movie recommendation: Regarding Harry. About a man with a brain injury. I'm sure their are others.

[@taylorslade961]

Story 2: This def has tiktok vibes and its wrong as hell. BUT. I will say that I understand the desire for a rewards system in this way based on my own experience of living with men and the imbalance of emotional labor. Its like living with a kid that only does the chores they're specifically told to do. Its not right that people actually do this, i'm not condoning this behavior. But sometimes, real adult conversation doesn't work and you have to resort to being an asshole to get your point across. For example, I told my exbf hundreds of times that I really hate that he leaves a bunch of trash in his car when he knows I'm going to be getting into it. He didn't start being proactive about cleaning his car until I got loud and shitty with him about it. Sometimes, being nice gets you nowhere. I'm glad this situation worked out but I feel for women that feel like they have no other choice.

[@LovestarVGC]

Conversely, if you have to manipulate your partner to get them to do things then you’re both being shitty. He’s being shitty to you and you’re being shitty to yourself for going to such lengths to get a man child to do housework. Speaking as a man, anyone who tries to make their wife their “mother” who picks up after them, isn’t worth your time.

[@annmorgan676]

Thanks for the new stories, Mark! They’re a great present for my 21st birthday!

[@miemiea]

I know the main thing affecting op was the brain injury but christ that guy sounds insanely inconsiderate lmao, even with the sweet things he does

[@paulclay4229]

Story 1: OP needs to let him know. It doesn't need to be cruel just open. It may be they are unaware and would want the chance to change with OP. Would definitely reccomend therapists though.

[@CreepyBlueAnimals84]

Last Story: No matter what's going on in a marriage/relationship why on earth would anyone encourage others to cheat? It only brings on more problems and it's just downright stupid.

[@emlove3321]

A friend I had his grandparents still lived together but the guy had a traumatic brain injury and they slept in different rooms and the guy was just a lil odd basically after it happened he became apparently a whole different person I felt bad for his grandma

[@Khaisz.]

Are we sure it's just "small cute annoyances that she used to be used too" and not abuse by a Narcissist? He constantly pokes her, forces her to eat dessert, is rude to waiters, rude to other moviegoers, talks constantly about himself and never stops talking, takes her space making her uncomfortable and annoyed hospital staff. Oh but he loves her so much. Or maybe he don't want to lose his abuse victim?

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

seems like most people's sex lives are already so dysfunctional: basically the guy can 'get sex' any time he wants it, so, this change is also dysfunctional but let's not assume that what they had before was healthy and/or okay.

[@jaimejones3177]

Story 2 creeps me out. It's like a parent/ child dynamic. That's all I can't think of... little Timmy did his homework so mommy made brownies...yay! That is not healthy for two equal adults in a marriage. What if he started doing that to her? She only got some if she cleaned the oil stains in the drive way... organized his tools, washed the car, mowed the lawn, etc. Its degrading and insulting. I hope he straightens it out.

[@holeymcsockpuppet]

S1: I'm not sure telling him she doesn't even like him anymore is a good idea. It sounds like she kinda hates him. Just divorce him. The best thing to do in any TBI situation is not to wait and work to recover. Instead, act immediately, emotionally, and impatiently. As a woman you deserve the best...to be happy all the time. TBI impairs reasoning, emotions, memory, and motor skills. But that's no reason to not make life changing decisions! Lol.

[@theresidentteacher2438]

S1: After her INITIAL description I just HOPE she DOESN'T do something she's GONNA Regret.

[@TopazFire15]

I wonder if OP also found her husband to be an acquired taste when they first started dating. He seems annoying as all hell, but I guess not in ways that are dealbreakers for her, same as when they first met!

[@InfernalPume]

so op's wife just needed a better understanding of kink. a 'punishment/reward' dynamic isnt even that kinky, but it does need to be negotiated beforehand. you need to know that the thing you're doing will result in sex or punishment, and usually you'll only pretend that thing is of significance. For example, people who enjoy degrading punishments are often attracted to the master/maid dynamic, so one partner will pretend to make a mistake cleaning. people who like rewards like the owner/pet dynamic, so the partner will act cute and submissive to please them. honestly i feel like the wife just enjoys the power fantasy of being so desirable that she's able to alter op's behavior. I dont think this is a bad thing, its a constant theme in female-lead erotica for a reason, but it *is* a kink and like all kink it needs to be agreed upon between both partners. What she needs to understand is this dynamic will always be a fantasy, and OP doesn't actually have his mind and action's determined by her body.

[@Jeff-fo3ck]

Story 1: OP's husband's behavior is the typical behavior of those who are comfortable and in love. It's probably annoying to OP because she isn't inlove. Me and My GF do that to each other all the time and my favorite photos of her are the one she deems "ugly" but to me it's special and endearing because it's only I who can see that side of her, the goofy and unfiltered side.

[@philospher77]

I have to say... I feel a lot like that woman in the first story, only I haven't suffered any traumatic brain injury that I know of. When I am with someone, I can feel strongly emotionally attached, and when I have broken up with them, I will cry and feel strongly emotional for like a week, And then it's like a switch is flipped, and everything we did together is like i read about it, or saw it in a movie. Something I can describe, but don't feel emotionally connected to. People look at me oddly when I try and explain it so I have gone to just accepting that it happens.

[@brittalex42]

Enjoying the random twist at the end there.

[@TheMimiSard]

On the "Don't come to Reddit for this advise" comments, I think Reddit gives a good alternate that should be a supplement to professionals. That is the point, it is a supplement, not a replacement. In this case, OP got replies from other TBI victims which is a valuable piece of information to aide in her thoughts.

[@argentin2306]

Man, I'm gonna sound really insane, but the first story sounded a lot like a shipp from one of the fandoms I am on, I'm almost tempted to take this concept and put it into a fanfic. . .but I wouldn't want to disrespect OP like that, and I don't know if I'd bother her if I sent her a message on Reddit asking for her permission, she sounds like she has a lot on her plate, I wouldn't want to add more

[@melocoton7]

Story 1: maybe it would be a good chance of addressing his annoying behaviors. He can stop doing some things that are honestly very irritating. I do love that she is giving it a go. He obviously loves her very much. I wish them all the best. Story 2: He is not TA at all. I love that they had a good honest talk and can find a middle ground for some freeky fun

[@alphaleader870]

Story 1 the OP'S husband might have autism I have autism and I tend to have very similar if not the same actions and behaviors as him. The best thing the OP can do is tell her husband what he's doing wrong and he will more than likely try to stop himself from doing it for as long as he can.

[@Suilimani]

Story 1 I feel so bad for op and her husband. She’s not the ah for getting hit the one who hit her and ran is the ah. Community service for leaving a person to potentially die what a scumbag

[@tabytastick]

One other women's perspective on story 2: Women feel emotions with their whole body. If she is stressed about chores around the house, she is less likely to want to be intimate. If you do something to help reduce that stress, she is more likely to be intimate. Women recognize this pattern and will ultimately set up a system to help organize such stress and end up using intimacy as the reward.

[@shanebrown4146]

true story 93 fell down a flight of stairs,had my front temperal removed ,i became so toxic amd addicted to voka im still on meds to stop tremors to my divorce a year later and even lost a few friendsi think you what i do,its called retro grade amnesia,

[@annahawthorne4904]

I can understand where op is coming from when I was 15 I got beaten up by a gang of girls no none of them were ever charged as I couldn't remember who threw the first punch I have no life before that night and it's never come back I changed completely I did a few things that the old me did but I don't even know who that person is or was don't recognize myself in photos, don't remember breaking any bones, not even my own family even now over 20 years later my mum still knows that I'm waiting for my real mum to turn up but that's never going to happen because that person doesn't exist nothing was real

[@madambutterfly1997]

Maybe your TBI is a gateway into seeing the red flags of your husband that you didn't see before

[@notevenlistening6072]

I've heard of this rewards system before. They called it "choreplay"

[@mellogerman]

I'm glad that both stories seemed to have turned out well :3

[@impagain]

My dad suffered a brain injury before i was born, and my parents got divorced when i was a teen. I'm now wondering if they had dated again like this after the brain injury if that would have fixed some things, and not have become so disconnected. 🤔 it's easy to look back in hindsight and evaluate, though

[@AndyyWithAY]

I was near the Dollar Tree yesterday and went in and picked up some Easter things and some colored dishes--pink, purple, and blue. It'll be the last time I buy things I want but don't need for a while. Gotta have my coins together for my new place. When I got home my steam punk dress was delivered. It fit PERFECTLY. Steampunk is a current special interest. I think I'll do a cheeky little photo shoot this weekend. Hump Day, y'all! Hope everyone has a Wonderful Wednesday. Love from the Waffle Dutchess 🤗💖🤗💖🤗