Husband To Be Wants Me To Wear Red At Our Wedding To Show I'm Not "Pure" r/Relationships

[@DragonflyandTheWolf]

Op would definitely save money if she went with the red wedding dress. She could just use the fabric from all the red flags her fiancee is waving.

[@yoshidababies4222]

😂😂😂

[@Russman67]

Mom pointing out that her son is also not pure should have been the light going on moment for Ryan but no. He's proving that he's not just an idiot, but a highly talented idiot, capable of missing clues right in front of his face. Let him go toddle off to somebody else.

[@jodieg6318]

One of the few times I love that an AH ran to mommy to tell on OP and he couldn't even get her on his side

[@DoritoBot9000]

What he is, is a misogynist. The tradition were the status of bride’s nether regions is coded on her dress for the world to see is something no one follows anymore (other than religious zealots) Unless he has a tumor or some other event that can explain a sudden change in personality, the guy was always a covert misogynist.

[@coreymartin6486]

Him crying about it shows he doesn't have the maturity to be married to anybody.

[@bangeryun94]

When she said that to him, he burst into tears. Whether tears of sadness or tears of rage, alas we shall never know. I'm going with tears of rage.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@bangeryun94 It made him think for a moment he wasn't deserving of purity, but he found it in the end. Good on him.

[@hi_stranger9156]

Story 1: Now, Ryan is no longer a virgin when he finds his next -victim- I mean girlfriend. Now he's the shameful one! And as men I believe that men should cry, too, and not hide their feelings, however, crying because you were reminded of the fact that you're not a virgin after six years in a relationship is just silly.

[@BruinPhD2009]

Ryan’s arguments and the crying reactions are a nest of contradictions built in a tree of puzzles, enigmas, and complete bull crap. It’s so bad that even he can’t find his way to any sort of logical position. I feel sorry for his new VICTIM (love the strike through in your post). I honestly think he’s not far from becoming physically abusive to any woman who doesn’t meet his lunatic standards.

[@madalice5134]

I'll bet good money he dove headfirst into the Red Pill Manosphere after she kicked him to the curb. What an insecure fool!

[@Sherwoody]

I’ve seen a wedding where the bride wore red. It was considered good luck and she looked beautiful. In this case, the colour of the dress wasn’t as important as the simple fact that Ryan is not mature enough to be married let alone in a relationship.

[@meggammacisaacrylie7869]

A friend of mine wore a red dress for her wedding and she looked amazing. Another friend wore medieval clothing for hers and looked fabulous. A couple other friends wore black and looked incredible. None of their attire had this do with their purity, but with their personal style; which is how things should be. I wore white at my wedding. I was 35 years old and my husband and I were living together. I sure as hell wasn't "pure". 😂😂

[@RisetoStrength]

No shame in men that aren't virgins wanting a virgin wife. It's just life.

[@DragonicGamer32]

the fact his own mother turned on him and told him he should wear red too and started crying because he could not refute the statement. He was impure too as he was not a virgin but this was never about virginity in general it was about him not being OP's first. And him being jealous and self conscious about that fact and wanted to punish her for it.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Somebody was red, but it wasn't OP. Ex was 3 red flags in a trench coat. Having 1 other sex partner is not "pure"?? 🤔 Most women are not virgins on their wedding day, but most women also wear white. This was such a sick story. Glad she ended it.

[@Boundwithflame23]

Only three red flags? Lmao

[@shadowkissed2370]

The white dress wasn't even started as a "pure" bride, it was started to show wealth because white was very expensive.

[@lisakaz35]

I wouldn't want to wear white but I don't think it looks good on me.

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

Me too. OP deserves better. It's a shame that OP is going to lose a wonderful potential mother in law though.

[@SergioBicerra]

"But it's not the same for men!" Like, dude, how stupid you are?

[@lizthedisjointedzebra692]

Is he wearing the dress? No? Then he has no say in the color. And WHY does he think his fiance's sex life is any of their guest's business???

[@aluralovell6829]

Also wearing a red dress wouldn't let people know she's impure anyway. In this day and age, not everyone wants to wear a white wedding dress, my favorite color is yellow and there is a good chance I'll be walking down the aisle looking like Bell lol. So unless he was going to make a big announcement to slut shame her or follow her down the aisle with a bell Game of Thrones-style how exactly was he expecting anyone to know?

[@SorenPenrose]

Well he should get _some_ say in the color. Ya know can’t pick stuff that clashes with his hair or eyes or stuff like that.

[@l.a.d._vviolet4280]

She did suggest he wear red too since he's not a virgin either. He burst out crying.

[@Emi_TheWinged]

If i had to imagine/guess by his disgusting logic, it's some sort of show/control/ovnership of her, Like oh i own her, she is not pure/hight quality im the catch in here and so the guests can see that and/or maybe later on when he would dangle that fact over her head (you are not a virgin therefore i can do x,y,z) he thinks it would be enough of a reason why he treat her so shitty.

[@GK-ob1ni]

THIS!!! I was thinking the exact same thing. It's none of the guest's business what her sexual history is. He's not "pure" either yet he has no plans to wear red to the wedding. OP needs to nope out of this relationship pronto.

[@AuskaDezjArdamaath]

Wearing white as the bride has nothing to do with purity and everything to do with a fashion trend started by Queen Victoria. Used to be, for a wedding, you just wore your Sunday best, whatever the colour was.

[@nelly2958]

I was just thinking this, it’s literally something that was trendy, to show you have money

[@AniaSchutzengel]

It was literally just flexing wealth because only insanely wealthy people could afford to have a dress that would only be worn once and a white dress wasn't practical at all so it could only be worn once.

[@captainfluffypaws7068]

I was wondering that too

[@mkuti-childress3625]

Right?? I don’t know when the purity police hijacked that color, but normal people have taken it back. I wore off-white when I got married at 41, and it wasn’t because of my past-just my complexion!

[@Eirilyn]

Actually Queen Victoria was trying to show she was not going to be extravagant as queen by wearing undyed fabric ​@@nelly2958

[@Bijecarli]

The fact that he CRIED over the dress sickens me This level of insecurity makes my skin crawl.

[@trilbynhiss]

Yeah, that would have been the deal breaker for me.

[@Bijecarli]

@trilbynhiss people this obsessed with virginity are usually disgusting anyway. So, from the beginning, he made me want to take an eternal shower.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@Bijecarli So be disgusted. He wanted a pure woman so he upgraded.

[@MusicalCreativity]

​@@RisetoStrength So he strung along a woman who loved him and treated her like crap in order to "upgrade"?

[@101Mant]

​@@RisetoStrengthits not an upgrade though. A best a preference.

[@DragonflyandTheWolf]

"his mom said he is no longer a virgin either, so maybe he should wear red too. He burst out crying." lol what? Is he okay?

[@depuydt2011]

I always thought the other reason for the white dress was to show how wealthy you were back in the early days. You can afford this new impractical (due to ease of staining) dress for your big day while others were just wearing the nicest thing they already owned

[@HaliaStone]

It came about (at least in England, not sure about elsewhere) because Queen Victoria wore white at her wedding and others copied it.

[@tanyapoe5490]

​@@HaliaStoneyup and the wealthy wanted to emulate the queen. It just became a "show it off" tradition and had nothing to do with the woman's virginity...or lack there of.

[@AnneBeal-v3x]

actually wearing white identified you as a candidate for whatever you are doing. The word candidate is derived from Latin, "white" political candidates in Rome wore white. The church adopted this and for rituals, baptism, 1st Communion, Confirmation, Ordination, and marriage, all candidates for these holy rituals wore white, because they were "candidates" KingCharles wore a white linen tunic, the Colobium Sindonis, under all his other coronation regalia. Queen Camilla wore a white dress. His mother Queen Elizabeth also wore a white dress for her coronation

[@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64]

Guy can marry a pile of fresh snow if he’s so concerned with purity.

[@AndyyWithAY]

First time I heard the story I missed the part where 23 is his FIANCEE 😱😔😬 A year later he's ENGAGED? I hope someone saves that poor girl

[@Azulakayes]

She is a 'pure' Catholic girl, whatever that means.

[@stephanien6237]

I would not marry someone who is so focused on being “pure”. Especially someone who himself is not “pure”. Reeks of misogyny and double standards. 🤮🤮🤮 Ps. Red is a very standard color for marriage in many eastern cultures! That said, the tradition of wearing white to show purity is not even really a consistent thing historically in Western European heritage cultures. Most people bought a fancy dress that they can and will wear after the wedding. Even further, when they said not to wear white if the bride is not a virgin, then they would wear cream, off white, etc - not RED! He pulled that out of his rear end. 😂😂😂

[@catandrobbyflores]

I've seen some really nice December weddings whith the bride in red.

[@kawaibakaneko]

@@catandrobbyflores If there was snow it must have been so beautiful!

[@ScooterBond1970]

Maybe not pulled out of his rear end. Red is often associated with harl*ts and wh*res (in Western cultures, at least), so he may have been insinuating that.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@ScooterBond1970 Yep, he wanted a virgin wife. He didn't want to marry OP. He was settling and wanted better.

[@shells500tutubo]

He wanted red because that is supposed to be a color for "whores". I get serial killer vibes from him.

[@lillianpilto2377]

Story 1: So…if he’s not pure how can we indicate his impurity? Why isn’t always women being deemed impure but not the men? It’s gotta go both ways. I had an ex like this, angry I had 2 partners before him while he had quadruple, one of whom was a married woman. It’s honestly a disgusting dichotomy. And then men complain the divorce rates are so high? Women think ahead generally and won’t keep going from breadcrumbs to a house of horrors.

[@DragonicGamer32]

Dude straight up broke into tears when his mother brought it up too. He didn't like having his own impurity called out. Somewhere in his misogynistic mind, the purity is the job of the woman and the man is of no fault at all.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@DragonicGamer32 He just needs to be comfortable with his impurity because it doesn't matter.

[@CRSB00]

​@@RisetoStrengthnor the women's...

[@RisetoStrength]

@@CRSB00 Sorry, not all things are equal in this regard. He's not comfortable with her impurity, he should move on and find better.

[@j.j.juggernaut9709]

He should be forced into a red suite with "wh0re" written on his back and then paraded around the town lol

[@shadowkissed2370]

I can tell you what the future will look like, she will constantly be shamed by him, and when other women start looking his way and flirting he will start cheating with the excuse that "its just right for him to be able to know what it's like being with someone else because she has been with someone else." I have lived through it.

[@Kimberly_Sparkles]

Story 1: Oof, he went off and found him a pure virgin. These guys are so disgusting.

[@faithlesshound5621]

And the pure virgin has got herself a pathological liar. That won't be a marriage made in heaven.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@faithlesshound5621 And the pathological liar won. He got the confidence boost he needed and he'll never settle again.

[@RisetoStrength]

@Kimberly_Sparkles What do you find disgusting about his upgrade?

[@spookyjones6577]

@@RisetoStrength”settle”? 😂 Bro, he’s not a virgin either lmao He knew she wasn’t a virgin at the beginning of the relationship, but he still stayed. Even the Mom thinks he’s psycho

[@RisetoStrength]

​@@spookyjones6577 Yep, settle. His purity doesn't matter, and the update proved that. He stayed, but he was still settling. I don't believe anything OP said about Ryan's mom.

[@hi_stranger9156]

Story 2: It always make me so sad when one partner offers a *“one-sided open marriage”* or *“free pass”* to make up for their cheating or other mistake. Because usually it’s a last ditch effort to save their marriage but it never works. It’s just adding trauma on trauma. If the other partner takes the offer, it makes them come off super sketchy.

[@Swnsasy]

Exactly! Like that's the problem... It is weird that the friend got religious and couldn't keep the secret of the "sin"... Sin?? They weren't married, they were dating so what sin??

[@rachelryan84]

@@Swnsasy They were in a committed relationship at the time that's whats really important.

[@Swnsasy]

@@rachelryan84 That has zero to do with what I stated. It wasn't a sin. She said she came clean because she couldn't keep the sin. That was my point.

[@KJ-sp9jq]

@@Swnsasy lying is a sin. So her keeping her friends lies was her sinning to keep her friend safe

[@Swnsasy]

@@KJ-sp9jq The way HE stated it was not the lying it was the cheating, he said it twice..

[@BraveryWing26]

Poor second OP. He's right. He never had a choice.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Uggh I hate when the cheater offers one sided open. For some of sex is special. We don't wanna do it with randoms just to say we did.

[@BruinPhD2009]

Yeah, that’s the absolute wrong approach. I’d begin to wonder if some form of cheating is still taking place.

[@twentyfiveyears5010]

Agreed, it suggests that the wife thinks cheating is OK under the right circumstances.

[@PuppyKatt]

Story 2: Cheating is a deal-breaker, no matter how long ago it happened. The fact that she first cheated, and then continued dating you, then getting engaged, then getting married, then having your child, but not telling you anything until confronted with it proves, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she cannot be trusted. Love needs trust. Without trust, there is no possibility of love. You made the right decision, OP. I hope that you heal soon, and please, do not distrust other women; many will love you and are trustworthy. Good luck to you and your daughter.

[@ineedhoez]

I really want to agree with you but if I think about the stupid s*** I did when I was 20 versus how I am at 40? I'm not the same person. A drunken hookup?

[@RisetoStrength]

@@ineedhoez Men tend not to be looking for women in their 40s, but they would still hold it against you for that long anyway. If you're the dirty type of person that would have a drunken hookup, that's cause to reconsider marrying you in the first place.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@ineedhoez How you were back then matters to how you are now.

[@MarkNarrations]

Hey lovely folks, hope you're Monday is going well! Wishing you a great week ahead!

[@geckokid8265]

Thanks Mark and same back to you

[@nekorei2023]

Wishing everyone a great week back

[@BruinPhD2009]

Likewise!

[@carolroberts4614]

Hi Mark, hope the weather in your part of England is better than down here on the South coast! It's cold, windy and gloomy.

[@paden1865able]

If he wanted you to be pure, he should have stayed outta your bed. Ugh.

[@jonathanvanbiljon7010]

Story2: Cheating is never accidental but intentional.

[@ScooterBond1970]

"I was just sitting there minding my own business! He walked past and tripped and well, oopsie!"

[@marshawargo7238]

I don't disagree with OP's decision. My problem with this post is the "friend" who found religion! An ex alcoholic/drug addict goes around making apologies & rights their wrongs, but Who goes around righting Other People's Wrongs? Somebody who is Trying to start trouble OR wants revenge OR wants OP! She had no reason to confess anything to OP! Even if she felt bad about not saying anything because she Only knew about it! Just regular people struggle with knowing something about someone from their past. Should I tell Jack that Jill used to flick boogers in kids hair in kindergarten? Dugh, she should only confess Her Wrongs! Even then she should consider consequences to Her Actions Now! I think that if I were in OP's shoes, I wouldn't be able to get over it! Having just now found out about it is the Same as if it just now happened!

[@TheHellsHobbit]

Story 2 The 'friend" is the ah for putting her nose where it did not belong, was not her place to say anything.

[@ineedhoez]

Maybe 14 years ago?

[@RisetoStrength]

Friend did the right thing 14 years too late. Better late than never, though.

[@TheHellsHobbit]

​@@RisetoStrength No, it was not their place,

[@RisetoStrength]

​@@TheHellsHobbit Yep, it was their place. If I know my family members have lied to anybody, I will disclose that lie.

[@hrvojebutkovic]

@@RisetoStrengthI must say that I don't understand your perspective. What the friend did caused maximum harm. She messed up by not telling the OP when she first found out about the affair. She can't fix that mistake by destroying his family 14 years later.

[@trilbynhiss]

Confused why a female friend "confessed" to someone's husband that his wife cheated on him unless it was with her, the friend.

[@mayborneflower]

Deception is a sin, which extends to lying by omission. She had the chance to set things straight and warn the wife’s husband back when they were still boyfriend and girlfriend. She didn’t and evidently her new religious kick gave her a guilt complex. Not that hard to grasp.

[@webshiva]

@@mayborneflower- Destroying someone’s marriage isn’t a holy act. It sounds more like the friendship was over and the (former) friend decided to use religion as an excuse for throwing some passive aggressive bs at someone she no longer is friendly with. This “friend” cleared her supposed guilt by destroying a child’s sense of security in having both parents in her home. Given the trauma OP has gone through, I’m also not sure that OP is better off knowing that his wife wasn’t exclusive during the early phases of their relationship. Assuming there was just this one situation 14 years ago, OP’s wife behavior can be written off as immaturity - a position OP’s own mother advocated.

[@mayborneflower]

@@webshiva Meh. If this fallout was such a big concern, she should’ve either disclosed the fling to her boyfriend before cementing once and for all that they were exclusive, or at least pretended it was as big a deal to herself as it was to him once he found out. The OP’s wife was immature the whole way through, and it frankly doesn’t matter to me at all how the deception was exposed. Simply that it was.

[@aaronratesic4905]

@@webshivaThe friend didn’t cause anything. The wife cheating is solely to blame for the breakup of her marriage.

[@Azulakayes]

No mainstream Church advises its members to confess other people's sins aka reveal secrets. The 'friend' is a sh*t stirrer and a hypocrite in a cult.

[@AndyyWithAY]

I wore a floral top, pink skirt, and pink heels I'm firmly in my Black Barbie era to see a few places yesterday. I'll be seeing more this week. My bday is in about 3 months, I'd love to be in my own place by then. My stress would be so much less. The thing I'd love the most is being able to eat a freshly cooked dinner every night. Thank you for the well wishes and continue to send good thoughts, vibes, and prayers. Wishing you all a happy Monday and much love

[@nekorei2023]

Sending u love back ❤

[@AndyyWithAY]

@last-chance_ An inquisitive but respectful comment made in good faith would never offend me. 😉 Black Barbie is a black woman who looks like and dresses like a Barbie doll(hence the pink). I'm having some trouble with my family, so I'm looking into getting my own place

[@carolroberts4614]

Sorry you're having a rough time. Your outfit sounds really pretty! I'm 70, and I don't know what Black Barbie is either! Funnily enough, Barbie was really big when I started senior school! You could only get mostly outfits and a horse back then! I do remember my sister in law knitting a suit for Ken, when they had Barbie stuff n the eighties. Happy days.

[@janedoe885]

Sounds like you're having fun with fashion! ^^ Hope things ease up for you, and that you can find your own place!

[@Azulakayes]

Story 2: While this whole situation is unfortunate, my main concern is on this so-called friend who became religious and confessed. Since when do people confess other people's sins? Which kind of logic is that? Unless this is some weird cult, as an ex catholic, I know that you are supposed to confess your own sins and that is similar in most churches.

[@s4rcelle]

Person probably felt guilty for lying to OP by omission and being an accomplice to the cheating.

[@emiljuhl50]

Lying, funnily enough, is a sin. And lying by omision is stil lying.

[@destinedtogame]

Lying is a sin. If you are lying for a friend. That's a sin. People will become honest about those things in AA too

[@Azulakayes]

​​@@emiljuhl50Was she supposed to confess to her priest/minister or the person who the lie affected? I think it's a *great* way to destroy relationships because what is the line between confession to unburden your soul or revealing other people's secrets. I am an ex catholic as I said and the confessions I know about limits one to their own sins and to a priest and if the priest advises, you can go ahead and confess to the person your sin directly affected. Let me assume the friend was instructed to do that but I would personally would have told the wife to do it herself so that the burden wasn't on me and if she didn't, let her conscience torment her.

[@EnDB]

That ex friend was angry about something. I wonder if she told all of her own to the people those secrets affected in her life or if she went to a priest with it.

[@D-M-K-1-2]

Story 1: Even if this wasn't the ex-fiance being jealous, he still got his Wedding Dress Lore wrong. From what I've heard historically speaking: White means Wealth, Red means Luck, Blue means Purity. This guy is just a Cheeky Bastard.

[@whitneybennett4857]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Queen Victoria that started the tradition of brides wearing white.

[@felinesmite5170]

As an Italian, I resent the comment saying that in Italy and Greece it would be normal to hold such blatant double standards regarding men and women's sexuality. At least in Italy, if you come from a community that values women's chastity to such a degree, you DON'T live together before the wedding, and you DON'T take 6 years to get married. There's no weird in between in which you're fine with people cohabiting before marriage but you aren't fine with women having sex before marriage in the context of a committed relationship. Also, even extremely bigoted, conservative communities would welcome anyone who has had a change of heart regarding having sex before marriage - conservative Italian Catholics are more about you taking religion seriously and being on an upward journey toward salvation and less about this sick purity culture in which people can't make a single 'mistake' EVER without it used against them for years. I'm an atheist, but still let's not mix up some Italians being Catholic, conservatives and a bit sexists with whatever red pill shit this dude ate up in the first story.

[@RisetoStrength]

Was that comment wrong. Italy does hold that double standard and the double standard is normal. Just because you get to enjoy sex in western culture doesn't mean the double standard and the consequences of it go away. Welcoming someone that's had a change of heart is different than marrying them. You may find marrying in such culture is difficult if you make a bad decision. Decisions are not mistakes. In marriage, your decisions are used against you forever.

[@ineedhoez]

I mean conservatives are pretty hypocritical.

[@SirFailsalot91]

1) Pure incel/neckbeard energy - I'm sorry, but making *_this big a deal_* about OP's virginity when he's not even religious is utterly insane behaviour that is an enormous red flag. If he cannot get over this, things will only get worse and god forbid Ryan gets dragged even further into the crab bucket. ... Actually, the update confirmed that he did indeed get dragged into the crab bucket, so nevermind - at least OP got out of there when she did. 2) If you're repulsed by your partner because they betrayed you, even if you're married and have a child with them, why on earth are you still together?? The horse getting flogged has rotted down to bones, this insanity needs to end for OP; bite the bullet, divorce the wife and do everything possible so that the daughter caught in the middle suffers as little as possible with the split - the only way OP can move on from here is to cut out the infection that's his wife's untrustworthiness first. Sure, it's not at all a nice situation, but this woman betrayed him in one of the worst possible ways and lied about it for a decade and a half, and expected him to just move on before beginning to self-sabotage in order to garner sympathy from him - OP needs to not be a doormat about this, the consequences of her actions have been a long time coming and have finally caught up with her; for him and his daughter's sake, this needs to end so they can heal and move on.

[@RisetoStrength]

He's definitely not celibate, he just cares about the status of his woman. It's not a religious thing, it's a pride thing. You can't call a woman your own if somebody else has already had her.

[@Sirevanacc]

​@@RisetoStrength Owning someone else? No sir that is a big no-no. And having sex does not make you used or that you had a "previous owner". Women are not slaves. Very crappy train of thought. Also, pride of f'ing a virgin? My man, experience goes a long way on sex. But you wouldn't know would you lol

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

​@@RisetoStrengthhe is a pathological liar who cries to mommy when she is not on his side. What a catch

[@cynthiaholland13]

​@think-eh3fm he has to realize he doesn't own another human being. He's just in a relationship with her, like she's in a relationship when him. Ideally both people would be Virgins until marriage and no jealousy. And if his pride is hurt, why ask her to advertise that she had one sexual partner before him??

[@RisetoStrength]

@@cynthiaholland13 That's how men see it. It's literally objectification, and it is what it is. Either he has some form of ownership over her or there's no long-term deal, he can leave at any time and that's far worse for her than it is for him. You either respect your man or you don't have a man at all.

[@whitneybennett4857]

'Ryan out of nowhere said he was talking to some of his coworkers and thinks that I shouldn't wear a white dress.' Wait, does this mean he was discussing wedding dresses and their supposed meanings in general with coworkers or alluding to (DEAR GOD) OP's virginity status with fellow employees?!

[@ElizabethGeiger-ye1sf]

I wouldn't be surprised

[@MatildeVallespinCasas]

Looking at the update, he's probably lying. He has lied about small things. Who knows

[@TonySamedi]

As a man, I'm betting he's lying. I can count on zero fingers the number of times I've even HEARD of a guy discussing wedding dresses and the meanings and which one their significant others should wear. (well, one finger now if we count this guy) That is just not a thing that is on the majority of straight mens radar.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@TonySamedi It doesn't take a genius to know it wasn't about the dress. He wanted OP gone so he could marry the pure girl instead.

[@TonySamedi]

@@RisetoStrength oh I agree it wasn't about the dress. Even if it wasn't for the other girl though he'd have still been hung up on that she was with someone before him. I really do not get the "I must be with a virgin" type dudes, it just reeks of insecurity to me.

[@bonniehuh]

"Saying that didn't make me feel good." Aw-- bless you, Mark.

[@fantasticmrfox9291]

So sorry Mark, i felt that shudder when you had to read that line 😢

[@suziyork78]

Story 1, I didn’t realize that we were in a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel

[@Boundwithflame23]

S1: get rid of him. Keep the mom around though. She’s a gem

[@Russman67]

Story 2: For the wife, it happened 14 years ago. She's come to grips with it. For OP the wound is fresh and he was denied a chance to make other choices.

[@peterhobson3262]

Hopefully sooner or later OP realizes that his insecurity, not his wife's pre-marital cheating, is what broke up an otherwise happy marriage.

[@blueangels111]

​@@peterhobson3262 what the fuck? This is pathetic and wild.

[@kawaibakaneko]

@@peterhobson3262 OP is not insecure, he fell out of love, there is no coming back from that.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@kawaibakaneko If a man doesn't like something, he's insecure.

[@TsukiKageTora]

Story one Update: I’d at least warn the girl on his mountain of lies

[@kawaibakaneko]

Have faith, the guy's mom will protect the new girl I am sure of it!

[@chsparkle]

Story one- Great to see a supportive Mil who doesn't excuse her son's actions. It's not always the mother's fault.

[@bessieburnet9816]

Honestly, I'm surprised this lasted all those years, let alone getting to the point of engagement. I have never seen a man so resentful of his bride to be, like, omg!

[@Sid00077]

Damn, OP dodged a huge bullet. Dude was a walking red flag.

[@aubreymorgan9763]

I wore red as my wedding dress but because its a lucky color in eastern cultures and I'm goth and wouldn't be caught dead wearing all white or pastel colors. This guy seems really unhinged and caught up on the purity thing and very irrational.

[@RisetoStrength]

Purity matters to men. Deal with it.

[@ladyofthelake93]

I love the mom's comment that her son should wear red too. Maybe break off the wedding but keep his mom as a friend.

[@madambutterfly1997]

He’s not that smart to not keep his red pill thoughts to himself

[@devchekhov7512]

I love it when scumbags tell on themselves--real timesavers😂

[@messinalyle4030]

He's not that smart to be having those red pill thoughts in the first place.

[@RisetoStrength]

I support the red pill community. Men need to value themselves at what they're worth.

[@Sirevanacc]

@@RisetoStrength Everyone needs to value themselves, independently of what "they're worth" (according to whom?). It's not a "dude" thing. And it certainly does not have to do in any way with what a women is or did in the past.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@Sirevanacc Yep, it's a "dude" thing. People value women for different reasons than they value men. What women did in the past matters, what men do in the present matters.

[@evees1346]

Story 1 - So they broke up a year ago and he is already engaged to a virgin (assumed) 23 year old? yeah i think he was cheating and just made everything hard for her to dump him hope she finds her happiness

[@vrsalcedo7245]

In the US, white, off-white, ivory are standard colors for wedding dresses. Not 'required colors for virgins only', but 'standard' colors for people buying bridal gowns, vow renewal ceremonies, 2nd weddings, etc. The sexual experience of the person wearing the dress is immaterial. It's a special occasion outfit. What's nice is now brides have more options in terms of color choices. My eldest wore a wedding dress of black lace and tulle with a pink lining to their wedding. Very pretty and no one was discussing the condition of her vagina. (At least that didn't come up in conversation at our table, but ya never know.)😁

[@gmun2248]

😂

[@Lholt5647]

S2. Probably unpopular opinion… I feel that infidelity is pretty close to murder (certainly of the relationship) and is difficult/often impossible to recover from. But, we are human… I feel if a one-time mistake is made, never to be repeated, it is best to keep it a secret, as the truth is too devastating. The “friend” is a horror show. One more thing done in the name of religion… I do understand the problems this all poses for OP: short range, time is not on his side. Looking at it long-term, time may be a better friend as he finds perspective in the ups and downs of a 14 year long marriage. I wish them both well.

[@Azulakayes]

That's why you shouldn't tell 'friends' anything. It was not her sin to confess IMO...

[@wkkowrld]

​@Azulakayes lying is a sin and she was lying by omission

[@RisetoStrength]

@@Azulakayes You've got a secret.

[@ineedhoez]

I agree. Cheating is horrific, but context matters. 4 months into a relationship? Just barely exclusive? Drunken adventure? Early 20s? All of that vs 14 years of awesomeness? The friend told him because she is jealous. There was another story just like this. The hubby ended up smashing the "friend"

[@RisetoStrength]

@@ineedhoez 14 years of a lie. That early 20s drunken adventure undermined the whole marriage. Hubby is free to smash the friend if the friend wants, now.

[@GaskyChan]

That friend spilling the tea after 14 years got to be pissed off about something

[@Ashakat42]

I think that "friend" wants to be the new wife.

[@ineedhoez]

Facts!!!!

[@RisetoStrength]

Glad she did the right thing in the end.

[@Bunny_Gee]

That wasn't not their "sin" to confess. OP guy seemed to want out. It wasn't an "affair." They were barely together. 14 years of loyalty should count for something. The problem lay with him and he seems exhausting. She will be better off with a less mentally delicate person.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@Bunny_Gee It was, because she knew about a lie and she should have disclosed it 14 years ago. She was only loyal from the start of her relationship to when she cheated, and was disloyal and dishonest for 14 years after that. That does count for something. That counts for why she's in her mid to late 30s and likely going to have to settle for a significantly older man.

[@BraveryWing26]

Heard this story elsewhere but I am glad the first OP updated and that she's happy.

[@deusdamnit]

Story 2 - OP acknowledges that this situation isn't logical. Commenters shoot back: Actually it is. No. It isn't. OP is correct. It is an irrational, emotional response. Being able to reframe it as logical does not make it logical or rational. The whole reason that OP makes that caveat is because OP will be told that it isn't logical, but OP's therapy has enabled him to recognize that logical thinking is not inherently good, it's just one way to evaluate a situation. This is a hugely important distinction: You can make decisions that are irrationally based or that are purely emotional. Sometimes, those are the only decisions you can make. There is nothing wrong with making a decision on that basis; but, reframing everything to be logical or rationally justified is a maladaptive behavior. It comes from a mindset that if something can't be explained in a way that makes sense, then it isn't valid-the problem is, when you take this framing you can make any behavior justified. It's okay to be emotional, and it's okay to be hurt. Sometimes you can't reconcile something that has happened rationally with your emotions, and sometimes that means you can't reconcile with the person. This is valid; it's not logical, it's not rational, but it doesn't need to be. As long as you aren't abdicating your responsibilities you are justified to act in your own interests.

[@ineedhoez]

Agreed.

[@shadowkissed2370]

The commenter saying the white dress meaning the bride is pure goes back to the Renaissance is incorrect. A white bride's dress did not mean the bride was pure, it symbolized wealth. Although brides did wear white when they could afford it, even the wealthiest and most royal among them also wore gold, or blue, or, if they were not rich or royal, whatever color their best dress happened to be. This was how it was until Queen Victoria wore her white wedding dress because Skilled artisans were facing poverty due to the invention of machine textiles, so she chose a large piece of handmade Honiton lace, and white was the best color to showcase this. By the mid-19th century, white and lace were customary for bridal wear. The earliest recorded instance of a white wedding dress in Western culture is that of the English Princess Philippa at her wedding to the Scandinavian King Eric in 1406. She was dressed in a white tunic lined with ermine and squirrel fur. In 1558, Mary Queen of Scots wore white during her wedding to the soon-to-be king of France, despite the fact that white was a color of mourning for French queens at the time. For the next few centuries, white remained a popular but by no means obligatory color for royal weddings (Princess Charlotte, when she married Prince Leopold of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld in 1816, wore an empire-waisted dress in metallic silver lamé). White dresses did not symbolize virginity or even purity, but rather were costlier and harder to keep clean, and thus communicated the status and wealth of the wearer.

[@jusminejustice2794]

Isn't it a light blue dress that means "pure"

[@shadowkissed2370]

@@jusminejustice2794 Yeah, in some instances light blue means luck, purity, and peace.

[@gmun2248]

​@@jusminejustice2794 Light blue dresses make me think of Disney princesses. 🤔😳

[@owl7072]

Story 2: Man, I heard this story in another video. So many people in those comments tried to act like Op was crazy or weak for wanting a divorce over a "small mistake" or saying things like "He's mad over something that happened over a decade ago/when she was young and stupid! He's crazy for that! She's better off without him! She needs to take the kid and run!" While conveniently glossing over the part where she lied to his face for over a decade and told him to just get over it 💀

[@aaronratesic4905]

Yeah, I too am shocked at the number of comments that are acting as if her cheating is no big deal because she was young or he didn’t know for all these years so that makes it ok. SMH at the lack of morality in this comment section.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@aaronratesic4905 It's not lack of morality, it's blatant sexism.

[@madambutterfly1997]

Tell him he’s not allowed to be that insecure

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

Yeah he shouldn't have allowed her impurity to come between them

[@RisetoStrength]

@@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh Disagree. Man knew what he wanted and didn't settle for less in the end.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

Ryan better be wearing a red suit on his wedding.

[@jodieg6318]

Story 1: You know I almost (almost!) feel sorry for he ex-fiance. Deeply insecure, jealous that his partner had exactly 1 person more of experience than him, intelligent enough to graduate early but not mature enough to have grown out of the middle school level of attention seeking that is compulsive lying; he's practically the perfect candidate for red pill brainwashing. He even ran to cry to mommy about it and even he called him out.

[@RisetoStrength]

The West is going red pill.

[@ellorasg4525]

Story 1: Wait, I could have sworn white represents wealth while blue represents purity. WTF? OP's ex needs to re - check his facts.

[@kensosaramos]

17:45 It's often said that when they offer a one-sided-open-relationship, they either don't care about you / the relationship or don't know / understand you well enough to comprehend that it's not about sex, it never was.

[@lisakaz35]

I feel for the new fiancee in story 1 also. "Ryan" is going to to be difficult, to say the least.

[@whitneybennett4857]

I personally think OP should warn her.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@whitneybennett4857 That's a good way to get sued.

[@theresaschuebel5151]

The first story had an update about a month to 3 months after the first, where she said she was asking what color of dress she should wear on her first date in 6 years. She said the date wasn't such a good date.

[@Lordofthelosers01]

Story 1: I know OP says that her ex wasn't cheating but I call bs. The bizarre fixation on OP's "purity" and the fact that he's a known liar just screams that he was cheating, if not physically it was emotionally. If purity was something important he would have brought it up at the start of the wedding planning. He wanted out of the relationship but also wanted to keep his image, thus the online gaslighting.

[@LotusBloom0309]

I’m curious as to what podcasts her fiancé is listening to. The red wedding dress is a giant red flag.

[@dm9078]

She has overlooked red flags for the entire six years of this relationship. This is just the biggest one. Send Ryan packing. Edit I knew it. A cheater who is dismissive of his feelings. Yeah that’s going to make for a good marriage moving forward. Not the asshole. She cheated 14 years ago. She’s had 14 years to Bury the cheating. But it is brand spanking new to him and it is not just a cheating. It’s also the 14 years of lies every day for 14 years. So definitely not the asshole.

[@pennybast3953]

Story 1: $10 says that "Ryan" fell down an "alpha male" rabbit hole.

[@CalamityM]

Lol. Ryan thinks of himself as an alpha male but burst into tears because mummy said he wasn't pure XD

[@RisetoStrength]

@@CalamityM This is the type of thing that drives men down that "rabbit hole". Women are allowed to cry, but men are not. Yet we're supposed to act like they're equal.

[@b.f.2461]

Weeping about “purity” is silly for either sex.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@b.f.2461 Men value purity, and you will never be able to gaslight them into seeing it as "silly."

[@b.f.2461]

@@RisetoStrength If the6 really valued it, no woman would lose hers.

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. What works for Adam might not work for peter. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage. we would disagree on the littlest of things, but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

[@BruceKnapp-n4q]

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

its always difficult to let someone you love go.., but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters

[@BruceKnapp-n4q]

I will look her up now online... I hope this works for me too

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

You definitely should. You wont regret it

[@1tommyday]

White dresses started to be worn at Queen Victoria's wedding. White gowns symbolizes wealth. Blue gown purity and red gowns mean loyalty I think

[@fcold9402]

1. In todays age, does anyone going to a wedding see the brides white dress and think "oh by golly shes a virgin"?....or do they sit around like this guy and think "is she really a virgin or a dirty rotten liar trying to fake everyone out"? I mean, I dont know about this guy but I am kind of hoping the guests have better things to think about other than the bride and grooms bedroom histories.

[@RisetoStrength]

He just wanted his woman to be *his woman.* In the end, he found one that hadn't been claimed yet.

[@Swnsasy]

White a "purity" is just weird.. It was popular before her but when Queen Victoria wore it to her wedding they started seeing white for status and money.. White was difficult to clean so poor didn't have the money so... Never heard the purity thing though😂

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

Hey you yes you, take a deep breath let it out slowly, and lower your shoulders. Know that you are important to someone even if you feel like no one loves you, guess what I do. I'm so proud of you being here. Thank you. Now make sure you take care of yourself and drink some water, eat something and take a stretch break.💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗

[@SabrinaSokoll]

Always get to listen to the first video as i lay down to sleep and second one when making dinner. It makes my odd sleep schedule from working overnights a little bit better. Thanks for all your hard work Mark.

[@polarbearhero9803]

Second story: OP’s wife did not cheat as a wife. They were not married yet but just dating. They had made no vows. She didn’t lie for 14 years. Do you have to go through your sex life before marriage and confess all? Some things like this are better left unsaid. She knew it was wrong and was faithful in their marriage. OP can’t or won’t forgive her. Now his daughter will grow up in a broken home which does cause problems. She might blame dad for hurting her mother. When mom remarries she will have another dad and OP will have to share her with another man. OP will remarry and have other children and his daughter will feel replaced all because of something that happened 14 years ago before her mom married her dad. I would also wonder about the motives of the “friend” who told OP this. Also wonder if OP isn’t projecting. Did he do something he feels is unforgivable? Did he cheat after their marriage?

[@RisetoStrength]

Yep, I think people should be obligated to disclose their sex lives before marriage. If you have one, you're not fit for marriage and men should move on. Mom probably won't be remarrying, women aren't usually that lucky with age. OP's wife should have stayed pure until marriage, end of.

[@sandrinenussbaumer8613]

Vous oublier qu'ils étaient ensemble depuis 4 mois et exclusifs. Elle n'a tenu que 4 mois avant de le tromper.

[@madambutterfly1997]

It doesn’t matter how old the relationship is, if you cheat, all of that goes out the window

[@michamocha]

Story 2: It might be unpopular but I don't think it was illogical for Op to be this effected over something that happened that long ago. He found out through his wife's friend, not from her coming clean. It's inevitable for trust to be shattered because how can you be certain that it was only one time or if she's telling the full truth? She kept that secret for 14 whole years and Op blissfully unaware.

[@grievernoctis2238]

Well this sure is a... red flag lol

[@BerryGood4U]

Story 2- my heart goes out to their daughter. She’s only 7 and was living a happy life with happy parents. Now every week or two she will pack a bag and move between houses. She gets to meet daddy’s/mommy’s “special friend”, because face it these people are young and will eventually start dating again.

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

The woman in the second story played herself when she didn't apologize properly.

[@Azulakayes]

I agree.

[@ineedhoez]

Facts.

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

STORY 1: Mark read another story exactly like there’s a couple years ago, except fiancé wasn’t dead set on a red dress. It was just any other color dress because she lost her virginity before meeting him. He came from a very religious household, and his parents also agreed that she did not deserve to wear white because she wasn’t a virgin. Red is a very interesting color choice. It reminds me of the story, the scarlet letter, where the big red A for adultery. What’s the highlight? The woman was a harlot.

[@poetryqn]

Story 2: Such an unfortunate story. I am trying to find the story BEHIND the story. OP says that his feelings aren't logical, but It sounds like OP got the old trauma of his parents' unhappy marriage re-stimulated. He's numb. He's still numb after an entire year of therapy. I find myself wondering how he went from what he considered a good marriage to not wanting to be in the same room with his wife. The trigger of her long one night stand while they were dating seems to pale in comparison with his extreme reaction. (And yes, I know she had 14 years to forget about it; still, it did not sound like an active lie,. And yes, I know that for him the wound is fresh.) I just keep thinking of that little girl whose life is going to be torn apart because OP can't handle the revelation. And can I just say I think that so-called friend is scummy. What did she hope to achieve with her confession? Brownie points with the Christian police? It would be different for me if the wife were involved in an ongoing affair, - the husband would have a right to know. But this one time thing is LONG in the rear view mirror from before the marriage. I wonder about the so called friend's motives. She stinks in my book.

[@Azulakayes]

I utterly dislike that so called friend. I am an ex catholic and from what I remember about the practice, we never went around confessing other people's sins but our own. Apparently Christianity is getting worse and worse. Now that friend is on her high horse, having ruined a marriage. A marriage that had not even taken place when the affair happened. I really don't get behind her at all.

[@ceecee1328]

What do you mean not actively lying? She knew she cheated and every day for 14 years chose not to tell him the truth. The little girl's life is going to be torn apart because her mother held onto a lie for 14 years and when her lie was exposed she told her husband to get over it instead of apologizing, not because of her father's reaction to his wife's actions. Wow, victim blame much?

[@poetryqn]

@@ceecee1328 Going by what he wrote, he said "she apologized profusely" before she said, 'but it happened a long time ago, why does it matter' OP said she told him to get over it, and while agree agree the wounded party is the only one who says when and if the offender is forgiven, his reaction still sounds extreme TO ME. (reasonable people can disagree, as it seems you do) Actively lying would be if she denied what he was told. Instead, she readily admitted it. To her, it was a one time mistake, slip, lapse in judgment, whatever you want to call it - a one time thing before marriage. That he's willing to walk away from a stable marriage for something like this that happened BEFORE they married just sounds extreme to me. According to him, she's been loving and faithful for 14 years, so walking away doesn't sound like her mistake to me, but his childhood trauma. I'm not saying he should stay - he can't. I'm saying his response, his genuine feeling of disgust with her is extreme.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@poetryqn I think ceecee1328 is referring to the 14 years as actively lying.

[@pattyslater514]

In regards to the first story..... who buys their very first vehicle, sight unseen while planning to drive it for the next several decades..... minimum? C'mon now. 🙄😒

[@maggpiprime954]

I don't think I could ever cheat on a partner, cause that much hurt. It would eat me alive. The way my brain works, I'm haunted by minor social faux pas from 20 years ago, something that huge would not be sustainable. How do people exist without a moral compass? Or empathy? No wonder so much religion is based on the threat of fire and brimstone... humans are beasts, and I guess we need to have our base fears appealed to.

[@liabowden8526]

Not me, thanks! I can tell effing right from wrong w/o religion, it's not That hard. That's why I don't trust the overly religious. The avrg human only has So much willpower. If the only thing keeping them from being utter bastards is the threat of eternal suffering, the second they lose their faith bad things will happen. They will do allll the horrible things they held off before (maybe not the super illegal ones, the threat of prison still is there). They're a ticking time bomb.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@liabowden8526 The issue is after several generations without religion, people lose the ability to tell right from wrong and make things up as they go. I'm a Jew, and there is no threat of eternal suffering to keep me in line. Not everyone is a good person by default, and most are not fit to judge their own morality.

[@simonO712]

​@@RisetoStrengthI would argue that religion is a rather terrible mdthod for telling right from wrong.

[@RisetoStrength]

​@@simonO712 The purpose of religion is to keep women chaste and keep men working hard. It has done both of those things spectacularly. In an age of declining religion, (Islam is not included due to high levels of hatred and violence), society is failing on all fronts.

[@simonO712]

@@RisetoStrength Well, we certainly have different opinions on whether that specific purpose is a good thing or not. It also has little to nothing to do with "the ability to tell right from wrong".

[@freedomcat]

Wearing white started with Queen Victoria, and wearing white was a status symbol of ones wealth. Others started copying her, and thus it became "tradition" or "purity". Just wear what y'all want, it don't matter.

[@amiefaillace]

Story 2. They weren't even married when she "cheated" 14 yrs ago. I'm sorry but I find his reaction very strange. She's been faithful for their whole marriage, he was happy with her. Yet you all think he's justified in feeling disgusted at something that happened even BEFORE they were married.

[@MrsWheezer]

They weren’t even engaged, either. My gut is saying he wanted out of the marriage at some level before he found out about the cheating. I’ve been married a lot longer than the OP. If I found out today my husband messed around one time while we were dating, I wouldn’t like it one little bit. However, I can’t see that ending our marriage.

[@fireunknown6624]

So you saying not being married gives you a free pass to sleep around? Because you don't have a ring on your finger? So that means you think it's okay to cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend

[@twentyfiveyears5010]

Mark read a story a while back about the woman who "cheated" while exclusive but before marriage with her sister's fiance's best man (IIRC) because her mom told her it wasn't cheating if she wasn't married. That didn't end well either. "Exclusive" means something.

[@kelf114]

Fun fact: Red is actually the color of old traditional wedding dresses. Queen Victoria was the one who wore and popularized white wedding dresses.

[@thatjeff7550]

Wedding dress and "Purity": So is this some sort of Red Pill bs? Second story: Man, i just can't wrap my head around this but I guess it's because of my own personal experiences. I just can't understand throwing away a 14 year marriage that sounded pretty good up until some nosy Karen had to get involved. Then again, I'm 50+ years old, widowed, and would let a lot slide if I could still be with my wife.

[@molovesrings]

My condolences on the loss of your wife.

[@RisetoStrength]

Nah, he just wanted a virgin wife.

[@Mewse1203]

Story 2: Anybody else kind of disgusted with the friend? She didn't feel guilty and tell OP. She was fine keeping the sexret until she got all high and mighty and religious and decided to tell OP. It would be one thing it was if it was because she felt guilty, but she only told because she "couldn't stand the sin." That's not guilt. That's hypocrisy.

[@Azulakayes]

Here...I have be going around this comment section looking for like minded people. That friend is a snake. It wasn't her 'sin' to confess nor her guilt/burden to have and if she was to confess, she should have gone directly to the party at fault, OP's wife. She is a sh*t stirrer pretending to be holy. Religious fanatics are really something else and I hope while she is on that holier than thou platform, she has gone to every single person she has sinned against, from her mother who she gave labour pains at birth and confessed and apologised. I am pissed.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@Azulakayes That friend stopped being a snake the moment she dispelled the lie. Because it was a lie she knew of and she had the opportunity to dispel, it was her moral duty to do so. Who did you cheat on?

[@TsukiKageTora]

Story one: cancel the wedding and whatever money you can’t get back, sue the ex for it.

[@clarissagafoor5222]

2nd story, the infidelity happened 14 years ago. There's something very wrong with OP. He mentioned his family situation and that's obviously made an impact on his life, but 14 years!!!

[@Azulakayes]

I cannot get over the friend confessing. Was she the one who cheated with OP's wife? If not, was it her confession to make? If it is fine, what kind of cult is this that advocates for people confessing other people's sins? If the so-called friend is a Christian, hasn't she caused a divorce which God hates, how will she deal with this particular sin she cause? I am actually baffled.

[@RisetoStrength]

​@@Azulakayes The marriage was not valid because the wife lied prior to marriage. She's freed a child of God to find an honest wife.

[@creolenola]

Gurllll get your deposits back and sell the dress. Move on, Ryan is disturbed.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Story 2 you were right to be upset and end things. For some people a marriage can sustain infidelity, so I think after marriage it's up to the person. But, I think it's a fool's errand to commit to someone you know is unfaithful. She took the choice from him. He might not have ever married her if he knew then what he knew now. She was also gonna take this to her grave had her friend not decided to live in the light.

[@aduckofsomesort]

It’s become tradition that all brides wear white. With color changes being considered untraditional regardless of meaning. Generally a different color isn’t even chosen to mean anything involving sexual status.

[@jennsyk7520]

So this may be unpopular but, the wife slept with someone else BEFORE they were exclusive. How does that make it cheating? Many commenters are forgetting that fact. The problem that we have today is that it seems nobody is allowed to make a mistake and get a second chance. The friend who found religion should have never said a thing about it, it was none of her business. This is coming from a woman who got cheated on after 15 years of marriage. I knew he was cheating before he admitted it. There were issues in our marriage and we got counseling and worked through them. He got a second chance and has made me the happiest woman alive and we've been married for 40 years! I'm an independet woman and told him if there is even a hint of cheating there will be no more chances. imo the op had his ego hurt too much and can't handle it.

[@TheBlueDsc]

The story says it happened after they were exclusive though.

[@ghoullovinbutch]

OP specifically mentioned that it happened AFTER they were already exclusive.

[@RisetoStrength]

Finding out that she slept with someone else whilst talking to him should have been a dealbreaker anyway. This "exclusivity" nonsense has got to go.

[@ajakuk1]

The best revenge is living your life to the fullest.

[@ValleyLili]

Slut shaming is just so outdated! As long as you are healthy and fit, or honest about std, the number should not matter to others!

[@RisetoStrength]

It's coming back, so get ready. Men care about purity, it matters to them.

[@JayeEllis]

Story 2: NTA - It's not that she cheated, it's that you can't trust her anymore.

[@VSorceress]

Story 2: I know this will be highly unpopular: but this is why you can’t tell friends your secrets. Of course, OP deserves what happened, but at the same time, you never know when your bestie will reveal things that will totally dismantle the life you built. She shouldn’t have done it tho, but still. Friends. Yikes.

[@Azulakayes]

I have been conflicted by this whole thing. Was it the friend's place to confess to OP? Was it her sin? In my mind, the friend would have told OP's wife what she did was a sin and unburden herself of it by telling the wife to confess. If the wife did/didn't it was not her responsibility. Imagine all those people who know their friends' deep dark secrets and suddenly go around revealing them in the name of confession...isn't that ruining lives?

[@RisetoStrength]

@@Azulakayes In your scenario, she would still be responsible because she would still know about the ongoing lie and be choosing to help protect that lie. Spouses have the right to know *everything* about you under *all* circumstances.

[@VSorceress]

@@RisetoStrength she should have at least given her the opportunity to reveal her sin. The friend was very self centered in her thinking. She wanted to alleviate her guilt and did not care about the likely outcome. However, I will allow another possibility (as we are only hearing it from one side) it could be possible that even with OP being unaware, there could have been some tension in the relationship between the friend and the wife and that was the reason for the confession to OP. If you were a friend enough to keep my infidelity under wraps, you should have been friend enough for me to have the opportunity to confess to my husband.

[@RisetoStrength]

@@VSorceress No, she did the right thing by disclosing it directly to OP. The outcome isn't her responsibility, the only thing that is her responsibility is dispelling a lie she knows about. "You should have come to me first" is something liars tend to say when they would lie again to change the outcome. That is exactly why the friend did the right thing. I can dispel your lie directly by telling the husband, or I can tell you to dispel it and hope you actually do. The less time you have to prepare, the better for the husband things will be.

[@VSorceress]

@@RisetoStrength I respectfully disagree. It’s not anything to do to be a liar’s excuse or even when it comes to righting a wrong with the husband. I speak frankly from the terms of friendship. The friend emerged herself in the 12+ year deceit so she isn’t any better in my eyes. But if she cared enough to hold on to the burden of that secret, she should have cared enough to have her friend see the wrongness of that decision and an opportunity for her friend to repent like she did. If I’m a real friend to you, and know what we did was wrong, I am the type that would want you to correct your error too. You would get a grace period but. After that, Imma say something

[@francas277]

S2: the friend who told on her after 14years is the asshole. Blew up their live and especially their daughter's for a clean conscience. Kinda selfish imo

[@Detector1977]

s1: Eh, by today's standards op is as pure as snow white.... s2: I'm sorry, but women MUST take accountability whether they like it or not. Wife was dishonest and disgusting and tried to hide it, end of story.

[@hiro4344]

The tradition of not wearing white, I believe is what you do for a second and so on marriage. And nothing to do with purity before a first marriage.

[@carolinaazevedo2088]

Story 1: no one really wore white for weddings until Queen victoria ( i think it was her) so no. It doesnt mean purity.

[@rustypotatoes]

goddammit mark, "He should wear brown to the wedding because he's being a turd" you read that as I was sneezing while driving, fuckin spooky 😂

[@paulclay4229]

Storey 1: OP should %100 be questioning marrying someone like this. Even if this isnt deliberate control it is a worrying level of insecurity.

[@KE-hr4sb]

S1: "It's different for guys"? Explain to me how? "Purity" was valued back when women were NOT seen as citizens; when they were property sold off to their husbands (who often had more than one wife). He's living in the wrong century. I would not marry this man if 1) this is how he thinks of women and 2) he believes HER sexual history is everyone else's business but not his. S2: NTA. You tried, but couldn't get over it. It wasn't 14 years ago to you, because she'd lied about it (preventing her from earning your trust back) every single day since it happened. She's not entitled to your forgiveness. You WERE entitled to her honesty and fidelity.

[@RisetoStrength]

It's different because men don't know if a child is theirs or not unless there are no other opportunities for a child to be conceived. That gives them physiological incentive to find a chaste, innocent partner. This can't be nurtured out of their physiology. Your sexual history will always be relevant to a man considering you for marriage, and less relevant to a man considering you for some casual fun.