I Told My Husband We Should Get A Divorce So He Can Marry His Late Wife's TOMBSTONE r/Relationships

[@MrBuns-yi2hk]

Story 1 was like watching a brutal fight. Just one verbal punch after the other. "You should marry the tombstone", "you just aren't her", and "I don't want a husband who is playing pretend with an imaginary family when he has a real one here". Brutal.

[@robertbishop5158]

He would be better off without anyone Saying or acting that way. Anyone That knows the husband should support him. He needs to put those people talking to you like that in the rearview mirror

[@dianeghazaryan4773]

​@@robertbishop5158he needs to man the F up.

[@rickraber1249]

Baloney. She might have chosen softer words about the "tombstone", but that's how he was acting - like he just so wanted to be with his late wife. OBVIOUSLY OP isn't her, and he needs to accept that fact instead of living his fantasy every time he gets made or sad. I don't think she could have put it any better than telling him she doesn't want a man who is ignoring his real family in favor of an imaginary one. Ya know, sometimes you just need to suck it up and get on with life. @@robertbishop5158

[@prettyfirefly1011]

I understand her point of view tho. After 10 years maybe her patience was gone.

[@invisible123-l9d]

@@robertbishop5158 He ignores his wife, and compares her to a ghost. SHE needed a husband who loved, and respected her, not to be constantly compared, unfavourably, to a ghost. He should never have re-married. He cannot love another woman, and will not be a good father, as the child will not be 'hers'.

[@heatherdickau5335]

The first story 1 the OP's husband has romantized his late wife's life. He is not thinking about the reality of this relationship but has created a fantasy of perfection.

[@MasterBuilderDragon]

Story 1: I’m going to borrow from Mark and say only OP has the power to know what’s best here. Frankly the “I could’ve had a child with L” and “you’re just not her” comments made me sick to my stomach and I don’t know if I could get over that. Personally I wouldn’t give him a straight answer yet and tell him to continue with therapy and you’ll see if things continue to work out.

[@cloud_catus8500]

Yeah, it's super personal. I myself probably wouldn't get ovet the 'you are just not her'. There is so much being said with that sentence and I think I might constantly question whether he is comparing me to his dead wife.

[@757Bricksquad]

Personally the “you can marry her gravestone” was fucking way worse.

[@ronhall5395]

His comments just show the depths of his depression. He is fantasizing about his dead wife. Not very healthy. He is wishing she had not died. Which is normal 10 years ago. He should have gotten all that out of his system prior to getting engaged. He is now saying and doing all the right things, but is this him or his therapist talking. I would go very very slow. I wouldn't say no, but he is going to need to prove he is over the late wife. You won't know until the next huge argument comes up. I will say for certain he might feel he is ready,but nope, not yet. Take it slow, no hurry.

[@RequiemPoete]

I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder what life would be with El and her child, but the obsession is definitely a problem.

[@doggolovescheese1310]

​@@757Bricksquadit was after years of his obsession. I would have lost it too

[@TheBre1491]

Story 1: I had a guy who did the what if all the time with a girl he liked that had passed away. They were not dating and she used him for rides. He was 27 at the time. Completely put her on a pedestal that I could never live up to. I nope’d outta there real fast. This husband of OP at least had a real relationship but 15 years later? I don’t think the passed wife would of wanted him to dwell on her and the what ifs. If she loved him, she’d want him to be happy and move on.

[@HaleyJo1992]

As soon as OP said she was pregnant I went "Oof, husband is imagining a baby with late wife." And being told she's "just not her"? Damn.

[@lizfritz6546]

Kind of concerned about story 2 if OP is so torn up about it and worried about her husband while getting her sister out of an abusive situation. Why is she convinced she should have talked to her husband while her parents were terrifying her sister? Edit after the update: I WAS RIGHT. I KNEW IT. THE DUDE SOUNDS LIKE MY ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE DAD (but my dad is physical and loud. But the whole “did i do something wrong during a situation where i did good”

[@socaaddict3887]

Story 1: The husband said HE's ready to try again. OP needs to realize he is still not prioritizing her. She needs to clearly communicate she will let him know when or if she will ever be ready to try again

[@gerble36]

Seems to me husband is communicating with OP just fine. And I agree that OP needs to communicate with her husband as well. I don't see where you get that he isn't prioritizing her. He simply communicated his desires. Isn't that the point of communication? The decision is in Op's court when to start. That hasn't changed, and there's no indication husband thinks otherwise. Husband asked for a second chance, didn't demand it.

[@abbie_joan]

bro I got no sympathy for OP she's awful and her husband deserves better than her

[@KatzMcKatz]

The wife also deserves better. He obviously doesn't love her and has been stringing her along for 10 years. He is now trying to string her along for more years. She can do what she wants but I think for both their sakes, they should just co-parent.

[@ec4145]

​@@KatzMcKatz Yeah, I wouldn't have even dated him, but with where they are? I'd never want to see him again, and be afraid he'd say stuff like, "L should have been your mom" to the kid. Anyone who can pretend to love you for a decade and then snap like this shouldn't be let back in.

[@clarissagafoor5222]

​@abbie_joan ?

[@podunk_woman]

Story 1, OP's husband found a way to emotionally detach and cheat on her in a way that is incredibly manipulative, in a way that makes it so that he can play the victim when you call it out.

[@Tammohawk1]

1. This story was so heartbreaking. It is so different when your loved one dies versus breaking up/divorcing. Because the love you feel doesn't die with that person, it remains. All I know is, I don't want to be on either side of that equation. But I'm glad that OP's husband sought help. There is a baby involved that he needs to be there for. 2, We are never responsible for someone else's happiness. Nope.

[@ginathecookie]

I may not have lost a spouse but I lost a mother The grief of not wanting them replaced is similar My stepmother and I are family, I love her but she and I know she will never be my mother as only one woman had that position Sometimes it's the same for people with late spouses And sometimes yiu can accept other love into your life, without feeling like you are replacing them It takes time (Context: my stepmother came into picture about 9 years before her death, my parents had been divorced for about 3 years, seperated for about.. 7? So it was a bit different than normal and I always was glad their relationship was more healthy romantically than my parents were but the bond between my stepmother and I was able to develop once she stopped trying to parent me.) OP and the husband both need therapy.. the husband is not being healthy He is not allowing his grief a chance to be dealt with in a healthy way.

[@AndyyWithAY]

It's been way too long for the husband to still be acting like this. After 10 plus years during every fight he runs to his dead wife's grave. Unacceptable. This is not normal

[@MuDkipzCHancelLOr]

It's not unacceptable but the man needs help if he wishes to be with a woman post late wife. I personally would simply not remarry if my wife died, the idea of even holding hands with another woman if she were taken from me utterly disgusts me to the point of wanting to vomit. I think a lot of people who lose their wives share this opinion but only remarry out of societal pressure or for the sake of not being alone.

[@Cannibalsnacks]

Whats normal when dealing with loss asking after seeing parents and 9 friends die before 14. Im 40s now and a couple weeks back was crippled thinking of mom for the first time in 3 decades.

[@mage1439]

@@MuDkipzCHancelLOr It is unacceptable insofar as he chose to carry through with another relationship while not dealing with his feelings.

[@impishrebel5969]

No it's not normal. It's called Complicated Grief and it's very difficult to get therapy for.

[@jakemarie828]

@@MuDkipzCHancelLOr I think losing a spouse is one of those things where you can't say what you would do until it happens. I don't want anyone other than my spouse either, but it's an extremely personal choice, and I don't think a morality can be assigned to remarrying or not. I don't judge those who end up with their former spouses sibling, for example, because sometimes the mutual grieving of a loved one can bring people together. Grief is weird. I want my spouse to be happy and to remember me fondly if we get separated early. There isn't really a wrong way to grieve unless you're using/hurting others, imo. This story may fall under that category since there seems to be 3 people in this marriage.

[@christinesinclair6938]

Story 2: He wanted a Maid with Benefits and not an equal partner is what I reading from how OP had to cater her life around **HIS** wants.

[@carolroberts4614]

Why does he need a destress room? Don't they have a bedroom?

[@13thMaiden]

@@carolroberts4614 his bedroom was a shared space, it sounds like this was a "his own spot" thing. It's actually good for ppl with mental issues to have that. While a bedroom CAN definitely be a destress room (mine is), for some folks, a shared living space doesn't work.

[@robertx8020]

@@carolroberts4614 LOL He can't watch porn there..his wife might walk in

[@heathermiller5765]

@@carolroberts4614 I said the same thing

[@Julienna]

STORY 2 - The moment I realized that the husband does NOT check his phone during his work, no even before getting home, I knew, that he must consider OP not very important in his life. You check on people, you love. If she had an accident and was at hospital, he would arrive hours later, if even... I'm glad that her sister opened her eyes. They both helped each other. I am happy for both of them.

[@robertx8020]

This Well I bet he cabn fix his problem by just hiring an OTHER maid

[@Kelsey1442]

That’s what I was thinking too. Also if she was pregnant and had difficult delivery or complications she would be on her own

[@Elizabeth-rq1vi]

I have to make a point of checking my phone before heading home from work…the phone just isn’t an extension of myself. However, notifications from him just do not pop up. I’ve reset them over and over so I have to physically look at the app we use to communicate. My iMessages do sometimes pop up. It’s rather annoying as the phone isn’t something I check all the time.

[@Julienna]

@@Elizabeth-rq1vi Me neither, but a few times during a work. Eg. when I have a break for lunch, also we love to exchange lovely messages with hubby. :-)

[@jemase7931]

Nah, some people, especially men, just don't live on their phones.

[@MrBuns-yi2hk]

Story 2 oh my. I'm glad that OP's sister is there for OP. Luckily they both care about each other. It makes me mad that husband didn't even try to go to therapy and actively impeded on OP's wants.

[@CanonSkyrissian]

I hate surprises and people in my private space, but if my spouse had to quickly get their sibling out of a potentially dangerous situation, hell yeah I'm opening my house for them! I've heard this story before and the husband is a HUUUUUUGE asshole

[@ronhall5395]

Right and it had nothing to do with the sister being there. She can't have hobbies. She has to make him happy? He has to have a quiet room? Yeah, he has serious problems. His biggest problem is the sister saw his manipulations and selfish behavior and relayed that info to OP.

[@miminana-hd6nf]

yeah, the update was like, wow. She took up painting and he rearranged his schedule so she has less time to paint. Like, wtf, that is just sociopathic behavior. Narcissistic to the max. Glad OP got out. Now her husband can have all the private space he wants.

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #2: While I agree with the husband that the decision OP made was abrupt and nobody likes their personal space being invaded, he did come across as a bit, shall we say, uptight and inflexible. So, it's not that big a surprise that having an outside observer to the marriage dynamic proved eye-opening for OP.

[@HealthyObbsession]

It’s on him for not checking his phone He’s an adult if he doesn’t want to be surprised he should work at being better at communication This includes checking his phone not during work I get that boundary but once he has a break or is done with work Given that the update shows that only his boundaries and needs are important This isn’t a relationship he treated OP like she was his caretaker not a partner She wasn’t even allowed to have a hobby

[@brianaschmidt910]

​@@HealthyObbsessionmy fiance has a hobby I support but asked him to cut back on (because expensive and dangerous). Painting can be done with dollar tree supplies. So not even couldn't have a hobby, she couldn't have a relatively inexpensive one. (Makes sense tho considering the parents)

[@AndyyWithAY]

Story 2 Update WTF!! That did not at all go how I expected. Now the husband is a selfish unyielding super villain

[@iasomnium919]

And OP has been gaslit to believe that she was being jealous of a dead person, and "now isn't" by also placing the first wife on a special pedestal of respect. Respect for lost loves is good, but this felt kind of messed up.

[@heathermiller5765]

@@iasomnium919 That was from Story 1 not 2

[@owl7072]

Story 2: Op did try to tell him ahead of time, it's not her fault he never checked his phone. I am genuinely curious about how he didn't check his phone even _once_ when he was done with work. Op's sister was in a very toxic situation. Emotions were high, and there was likely a bit of adrenaline. Calling someone TA for not sitting down and having an in depth discussion with their spouse about whether they should take in someone who was clearly not safe where they were staying originally is more of an AH move than what Op did.

[@robertx8020]

So if OP was in danger or had an emergency, she would be screwed and she had to wait for hours for her husband to get home? What kind of work is he doing when he never uses his phone?

[@kaintwinam7679]

Her sister wasn’t in danger, her feelings were hurt. Maybe her parents should have raised a stronger person

[@justinthompson6364]

@@kaintwinam7679 Says who? He may have only been yelling at the moment but that doesn't mean it couldn't turn violent later. Moreover, why don't _you_ try getting screamed by people you presumably care about for something you can't control and see if you're still spouting macho bullshit about "being strong enough" at the end of it?

[@samoanjoseph1457]

There are many jobs that force you to limit or cut out entirely phone usage while working, and they're far more common than you might think. In general phones are seen as a distraction, even or especially if you have a good reason to use them. I can certainly understand that. But even if he had been able to check the phone, that in no way solves the issue that OP made this choice without his consent. And if he hadn't consented, it's not like OP would have told her sister she couldn't stay. What he thought or his failure to check his phone wasn't the issue. That she made a choice that impacted them both without him, is.

[@nikkonreinold9821]

Not rly shown her but in responses to comments OP explained that was one of her husband's traits - barely checking his phone (or not checking it after work not sure atm).

[@dizzysdoings]

As soon as I heard that she was pregnant, I thought he was probably thinking about what all he missed out on with his first wife. Speaking from experience, when you lose a spouse (or anyone that you're really close to), find a grief support group ASAP. I did, after losing my husband in April. It's also helping me deal with the fact that I'm probably going to lose my Dad soon as well.

[@audreym3908]

I'm so sorry for your losses

[@heatherv3417]

Story 2: the fact that OP was worried enough by her husband being annoyed that she posted to Reddit for advice told me all I needed to know about him.

[@ineedhoez]

Amen!!! She is a doormat because she has narc parents. This means she attracts narcissistic partners.

[@minacat7929]

First story sounds like he's starting fights with his wife just so that he can sneak out to see his mistress. L may just be an excuse.

[@WobblesandBean]

Story 2: I'm so happy both sisters got away from their toxic relationships!

[@katybee3505]

Story 2: I’m surprised there were no NTAs. The husband should check his phone that’s on him. Also, I bet he would have complained if she called him crying while he was working. The privacy thing could be raised the next day and they could have come up with a plan to make sure he gets the alone time he needed. If your partner watches their whole family implode in a day, you should be focused on supporting partner not complaining about how you’re inconvenienced.

[@TheBurrito171]

His wife's cherished family member had just endured life-changing rejection and trauma, and this asshole was worried about his second room. Fucking redditors know they'd take up way too much space in their own idiot "mancaves" if they could, so they don't sound the alarm on the red flags he's throwing off. I hate men who act like their privacy and alone time is worth more than anyone else's. Just pure childish selfishness. I'm a severely private person, and I'd give up my only room in a heartbeat if it was me in his shoes.

[@WobblesandBean]

Oh god, OP 1 is pregnant?! Jfc, NTA. This guy clearly isn't over his late wife, and isn't ready to be a dad. With all the stress he's put OP under she could lose the baby. After the first update, I can't help but feel that's what he wants. After the second update, I don't trust that this guy has changed. I expect him to treat his son horribly because he's not L's child. Babies test the limit of human patience. I can see him looking at this baby and saying "my child with L wouldn't have been this difficult".

[@mage1439]

First story: this guy had no business getting married again if he was this unresolved about his wife.

[@jakeand9020]

It's normal for guys to do that... Our feelings are not supposed to dictate us, so we push them aside "suck it up" and move on. That's why they suddenly popped back up full force a decade and a half later. He never dealt with them in the first place and you can only bottle them up and force them down for so long before something breaks.

[@onepieceisking5493]

Story 1. It is very concerning that he keeps running to his wife's grave after an argument and then keeps continuing. Op showed her concerns and that it hurts he but he refused to listen, kept going, even told her that she can't stop him. I'm not excusing what op said to him but he is in the wrong as well and clearly needs professional help. Update, at least he's going to attend therapy. Sounds like his parents are appalled at how he's been with op and then were mad at him. Update 2, happy that op and her husband are making it work. Through counseling he realized the pain and suffering he put op through and apologized deeply for it. And looks like they each have a much more understanding of each other's feelings.

[@capmodesty]

Story 2, a family emergency trumps his quiet room, OP is not TA but the husband and her parents are

[@kyleanuar9090]

Unfortunately I think the guy just putting a show, one day he's going to crack. Over that amount of time and he's still grieving you can't simply turn a new leaf. I've met some people like him and best to leave them alone.

[@klb5114]

In the first story. I'm happy the husband is doing better. This went on for 10 long years. This should have been taken care of before they got married. Well I can see why they waited so long to have a child. And just seems like having a child just brought it all ahead the 10 years all in one year. I think Opie should give him another chance. But her and him should start over from scratch. Like start dating and rebuilding their relationship like they should have done in the beginning without the memory of his wife looming over them. Cuz they can rebuild their love and their trust back into each other. I wish them the best of luck

[@audreym3908]

This! I was also thinking of what you just said in your post. Most people were really skeptical about the husband because we've read a lot of stories similar to these and it's usually never good. But I think people don't realize that he was really young when he got married and lost his wife within a short time. The feelings he had for his late wife will always be there, but the grief of her not being there and her not having her own kid will hurt anyone. He must've had all the "what ifs" the second he heard that OP, his new wife, was pregnant and with all the excitement and joy about a new addition to their little family; it hit him that his late wife will never be able to have kids of her own, ever. People missed that part. They dismissed his emotions and memories as an excuse because of time, when they always say that even if time passes, the memories and emotions are still there and hurt. Some of the feelings and thoughts come from time to time, but are still there in the back of someone's mind. That should be considered and respected.

[@katx9697]

Lol second story, the moment your partner get upset because YOU think you need therapy is an obvious red flag. Especially when THEY have you where they want you, therapy is about giving someone a voice and THEY don't like it.

[@AFAskygoddess]

Story one: What wife with a healthy self esteem would settle for being a consolidation prize?

[@antoinealez12]

as she should

[@AngryReptileKeeper]

She's the third wheel in her marriage and it's painfully obvious.

[@WobblesandBean]

Yup. I'm glad his parents at least recognize their son is a scumbag. I hope OP keeps her child far away from him, he's not stable and I worry he'll mistreat the baby as it isn't L's.

[@catandrobbyflores]

I think you ment consolation prize but yeah she should dip out.

[@antoinealez12]

@@WobblesandBean Alienation of the child from his father is not necessary for this situation. His issue is with the mother it doesn't mean that he won't be able to be a good father. I'm not surprised that a woman would suggest this.

[@nikkonreinold9821]

Story 2: I think alot of vital info is missing that was shared through comments and responses to those. In the end it was not rly that surprising OP left her husband since he was rly self centered and not giving a flying f about OP. She kept on explaining the situation very mildly but it was rly toxic. So all in all I was happy to hear that OP made that decision. Hope she gets to enjoy her life more for herself and finds a partner that views her as an equal and not subhuman.

[@luizbezerra4373]

Story 1: it's awesome they actually could figure things out and the husband is finally getting therapy and improving. OP is such a wonderful wife, she deserves all happiness in the world.

[@tacooflove6175]

Story 1: things will not go back to how they were, they must build something new together and move forward with that.

[@catharsismemory]

S1. He's not emotionally ready for a relationship at all.

[@Swnsasy]

Last story... You cannot be responsible for someone else's feelings.. People, do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm....

[@Lady.B0420]

Story 1, husband needs therapy. She has been dead for over a decade.

[@InuMokuba]

Story 2: OPs update was where my brain was going. I was shocked you didn't show any comments that she claims were pointing out issues, I'm not sure if that's an oversight or a bias on your end. I get this is a situation with a husband and wife, two owners of a home, but hearing he has his own room to destress just made me cringe super hard. Don't get me wrong, I often need time alone in a room to unwind, but a room solely to yourself+the shared room while your partner gets nothing? That's a bit too extreme for me and it just added to it in the update, but her being so concerned about how he'd react and trying so hard to accommodate when needing to help a family member in sudden need was a red flag, one I find oh too familiar. Maybe my perception is colored from my own bias, but while I get it that he may need space to decompress, to be the only one with designated space for that process alone is rather selfish, but add to the constant denial of her needs makes him even more gross and needy. I hope OP doesn't go back to him and keeps painting and takes back that room for herself, before finding a healthy way to share should a new love come around.

[@raptoress6131]

Yea, I was weirded out how there weren't NTA comments. No one should have to experience homophobia in their own home, and the situation was threatening as well. OP did what she had to do to save her sister, and the husband should have been understanding.

[@raptoress6131]

Story 1: OP's relationship sounds like a triangle that involves a ghost... Story 2: NTA, the husband was TA even before the update, since it was a family emergency. He whined over his quiet room, when the sister was basically homeless.

[@maddy8328]

"just wasn't her". Wow. So he wants to be a good dad but not a good husband? Wow.

[@msredux]

For me it was always NTA, the fact that the husband had to have a room all to himself in their house while she had none was a red flag to me, I'm glad op got out

[@Tr_1391]

Ik this is old but, never heard of a man cave? And she never said she didn't have her own space in the house.

[@miminana-hd6nf]

@@Tr_1391 it was implied when she stated that he rearranged his schedule so he did not have to see her "mess" from her painting. If she had her own space he would not see her mess. Also, if she had her own space her sister would not have been in her husband's space. Common sense.

[@GrayTimber]

Story 1; his running away and refusing to solve relationship difficulties is destroying their relationship. Not everyone can handle being the second love, but she went to therapy to ease her trouble with it. He seems to be purposefully re triggering that insecurity. Running away and refusing to solve these problems can also be seen as a form of stonewalling. What she said was reactive. Hurtful? Absolutely. But eventually you react to the ways a person is hurting you by hurting them back

[@GrayTimber]

Story 1 update; happy that he's working on his grief! Genuinely hope the best for his journey. I think by the time of the update it may be still too early to get back into the relationship, but if they take it slow it may work I mean, you don't hear "you're not her" and just... get over that. He needs to win her trust back imo Story 2; his complaints about her sister needing to stay there to escape her homophobic parents made me think "get over it" repeatedly. The update didn't surprise me, I got the feeling he was probably prioritizing himself over everyone else from the first post 😐 I'm autistic and need space but if a family member of my husband's was in direct threat by homophobes I'd say sure, they can stay for a while. (With the stipulation that I be left alone when bedroom door is closed lmao)

[@jjmitch1411]

This is so accurate. The sister was in a dangerous situation and he the nerve to be upset that OP wanted to keep her sister from said danger. What a tool

[@maggpiprime954]

The title made me go "OOOOOOH!" 😬😂

[@nikkiwhray1598]

The late wife isn't either person's issue. She is just a name / face that they've both used to represent the problems they refuse to deal with. In doing so, they have made conflict resolution a taboo, because any attempt to fix an issue looks like an attack on the deseased.

[@bkr323]

Story 2: He needed a quiet room? ahahahahaha. Oh my god. hilarious. I'm assuming it subbed as a masturbation/porn room occasionally.....?

[@memyselfandi7782]

Story 1: I'd say wait. WAIT a while and have alof individual talks. If you want to make it work, consult a therapist and ask if she is ready to make it work after all she's been through

[@jmac5951]

It's easy to love someone who is dead. They don't annoy or argue.

[@littlestrawberryfaery]

I think L would understand if you left him.. she could tell that he’s hurting op and I think she’d want the best for op and want her husband to seek help and stop pulling others down into his grief.

[@DerekScottBland]

Story 2 - Called it. Husband whining about his "decompression area" when a family member needed immediate help set off all sorts of alarms for me. No one needs a "decompression room" unless they're a fucking deep sea diver.

[@caelum8160]

Who knows maybe they live in a submarine 😂

[@ZoeAlleyne]

Exactly. I'm a VERY space private person. I hate having guests in my house (I do do it, I'm an adult) because it no longer feels like mine. But if my partner, who is also the softer partner in our relationship, saw his sister being abused and swept her away to our place? That would make sense. Would I, on some level, resent my space being invaded? Yes. That is a feeling I cannot deny. But I would NOT act on that, I wouldn't tell him I resent it or that he should have done differently and that I needed more warning when he had texted me and I had not bothered to check. The fact that people actually said she was the asshole was infuriating. She should have continued to try and call and text him? He is a grown man, he can check his phone if his ass doesn't like surprises.

[@DerekScottBland]

@@ZoeAlleyne - yep, my wife and I tend to be very anti-social people at home because our daily lives see us around a lot of people. So home is our time away from the world. We rarely host company, maybe once a month, and only one or two people. But if either of us had a close friend or relative in a dangerous situation, we could whisk them into our home without the other voicing any concern other than "are they ok?"

[@atex6175]

You’d be surprised how much a quiet room can help your mental health. Yes they can be and are needed by more than just divers. Fuck we have one in my house difference is it’s open to everyone when they need to just get away from what’s stressing them out for a few and refocus

[@TheOddityFair]

S1 - A sticky final question. The man seems genuine from what OP wrote, but I agree that taking it slow here is best. As she said, he’s still in an uncertain place right now. Take things slow, see how he continues, & then consider the future. S2 - I’m also a private person who doesn’t like surprises, but I understand emergencies happen. If this happened to me, I’d be okay after finding out the reason. The husband’s selfish. Good on OP for separating from that.

[@jasoncarter4343]

Husband was not ready to have a marriage. His late wife passed away while they were still in their honeymoon phase and he can’t get over this idealized version of her. Visiting her tombstone after arguments is so incredibly disrespectful, it is grounds for divorce, similar to adultery.

[@elizabethescalante8114]

How sad. Clearly this marriage was doomed from the start.

[@dopaminedrought395]

Story #2: He was annoyed by the emergency of the safety of an LGBTQIA+ family member? Give me a break. I really struggle with sudden change and people being in my space as well, but I can't imagine prioritizing that over a family member's safety. The sister was on the receiving end of verbal abuse from her own parents over her orientation. I am not surprised at all by the conclusion of the story.

[@CarinaCoffee]

This is such a well curated video Mark! We don't as often get NSH stories with AITA and the first one came with a very person decision too so they definitely stood out from the sea of what we normally get. Not that I mind either way, just thought I'd tell you I enjoyed the mix and definitely not something I expected to listen to first thing in the morning, did start my brain up while going through my morning routine.

[@Myskitti]

First story update, as someone who is undergoing MASSIVE changes thru therapy and is lucky enough yo have a partner who gave me so many chances then gave me one more as im finally understanding myself, im optimistic that you and husband can work it out, as long as yall take all the time you need and dont rush/force things!

[@jeneden3492]

6:22 this isn't completely out of the realm of possibilities... After 10 years, yeah it makes it all the most odd

[@holyek7892]

The first story wow. Either the husband joins his first wife by his own accord or the second wife is going to expedite the reuniting process.

[@heatherdickau5335]

The second story The husband makes contacting him impossible. He could have called her back and asked her what was up. Even if it was on the drive home. He is a self center jerk. You don't want surprises then return calls and texts.

[@bluebeanie561]

First Story: Do remember that one year isn't enough to change even he is taking steps to do it. There will be a time he'll misstep and you don't want the baby around for that. Best they do keep the separation first.

[@nmknomad]

Even after he gets over his grief over his late wife, he won't get over his feeling for her. i don't know how you will get past that comment, "you weren't just her". he will always compare you and her. and you will live in her shadow or the image of hers for him all your life

[@brigidtheirish]

1: He spent *seven hours* at the cemetery? I have a hard time believing that. I agree with the first comment that they need counseling. Just hope he isn't cheating and they can work through this. That it started when they found out OP's pregnant is a bad sign. Update: I don't think OP broke her vow to L. I think what she said was the slap in the face he needed to break his downward spiral. I'm glad they're moving forward. I think OP should give him that second chance. He's been working to prove himself this whole time. 2: OP *did* give him a heads up. Not her fault he couldn't be bothered to check his phone after he got off of work. *He* dropped the ball, not OP. If he doesn't want to be surprised, he should *check his damn phone.* Update: Oh. *Ooohhhhh...* This is a very *subtle* form of abuse.

[@affsteak3530]

I hope OP #1 doesn't take her husband back. If they have problems later in their marriage, it'll go right back to this situation.

[@hungrymusicwolf]

That title, just woaw. Edit: those are two heavy stories, and surprisingly doesn't show story 1's op as an AH.

[@kuzja124]

1st story he is the one who needs therapy

[@glitchyglitchy3925]

Story 1: I remember this one, and my thoughts remain- no one can compete with the dead. Her husband should have never started dating so soon after his wife's passing and taken some time to work on himself. Grief may never fully leave, that is true, but her husband has been stuck in the past for many long years. If his wife was as amazing as he acts like she was, she'd give him a lashing for leaving his wife and child hanging for someone who has already left this world.

[@jakeand9020]

It's normal for guys to do that... Our feelings are not supposed to dictate us, so we push them aside "suck it up" and move on. That's why they suddenly popped back up full force a decade and a half later. He never dealt with them in the first place and you can only bottle them up and force them down for so long before something breaks.

[@glitchyglitchy3925]

​@@jakeand9020 I agree that he never dealt with the loss of his wife, but hand waving it by saying it's normal for us does not sit well with me. No, it is not fair that we're taught to constantly repress our own feelings from the day we start understanding human language, but in the end, a man is still responsible for his own actions. How he treated her was not right, and I wish ​he had gotten the help he needed for his grief long before it came to this.

[@jakeand9020]

@@glitchyglitchy3925 Oh, I agree. Explanation is not the same as excusing it. Admittedly, I absolutely should have been clear on that.

[@glitchyglitchy3925]

@@jakeand9020 It's all good fam. I hope that one day everyone can simply be free to feel what they feel, as all humans ought to.

[@jakeand9020]

@@glitchyglitchy3925 On the up side, we've definitely made progress towards that compared to when I was young. So there's cause to hope.

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

Hey can you take care of yourself? Just do one small thing that will make yourself happy. And if you feel like you can do more, please stretch, drink some water, and eat something. You matter so much. I send all the virtual love. 💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗

[@Aroaceenby]

I know you meant this for OP but I really needed to hear this today and I'm sure that other people do too.

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

@@Aroaceenby no its not for op only its for everyone and I love your username lol I send all the hugs m8 much love💜💜🤗🤗

[@Aroaceenby]

@@broken_queer_but_fighting8589 thank you so much 💓

[@Aroaceenby]

@@broken_queer_but_fighting8589 I love your username too lots of love back 💜

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

@@Aroaceenby yeee no problem and thanks, hope you have a good day/night stay safe 💜💜🤗🤗

[@horsepuncher95]

Love the story 2 update. Personally I wouldn't have second guessed my decision. My sister > everyone else

[@qnkendra1523]

My partner and I have discussed our preference for private space for us but as various family drama has happened we've both made it clear that emergency extraction and possible additional person in our home as space allows is something we would both do in such situations. We actually both like that about each other- the caring with boundaries.

[@deborahyoung1873]

Frankly I don't think even after therapy that I would take him back.

[@draconisdragonheart4248]

It seems like her husband still wishes to be with his first wife. This guy has been married to the second wife for 10 years. It seems like he never loved his second wife.

[@jeannebuttons5301]

Removing Sister From Bad Situation But Can't Give Hubby Heads Up: I absolutely agree with the NAH ruling and I would give the following suggestions to the couple. After everybody has calmed down and the dust has settled start making plans for long-term: • Look into rentals that are near where your sister goes to college so she can have a place of her own and still attend. • If the parents were the ones paying for her college and they suddenly cut Her Off, help her apply for grants and loans to continue her education if she so chooses to. • if the sister decide she's not going to continue going to college then start making a plan for what kind of work she's going to pursue and it's time table for getting employment while she is still under your roof. Post update, I don't know what else I can say except OOOOF. If it's not obvious I posted my initial comment prior to the update... Apparently having your sister come and stay gave you the perspective to see how your husband had been slowly killing off your hobbies and other happinesses in favor of his own wants and needs. Good luck OP...

[@DindellaTheDefender]

I’m glad OP in the first story so far has had a happier resolution, but I, personally, recommend OP to take things slowly. Re-figure out who they are without each other and figure out who they want to be if they stay together.

[@jbrimer4082]

Story 2 My ex would go to his "grandfathers" grave when he was getting his side girl pregnant.... he wasn't going to the graveyard. 🙄

[@nyx_moonwalk]

story 1: he had OP promise his dead wife to give him back to her in the afterlife????

[@lademonessa3075]

Are you sure ‘she’ is the dead wife? Sounds like wordplay and he’s cheating on her while using ‘she’ as a way of deceiving her while letting himself feel better about not hiding it

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

I don't believe the first husband. I feel like he was/is cheating with a real, live lady.

[@brittlebonesghost1226]

Whoo boy that's a helluva title

[@Knives7777]

Story 1 : These two idiots have no right being in a relationship especially the husband. They werent compatible and the husband was grieving. She convinced herself that her very natural repulsive feelings of this situation were some fault of her own and went to therapy for it? Now they are bringing a child into this... absolute fools.

[@stevenfrost3469]

Story 1: he never faced the grief, and its hard to, my friend died nearly 11 years ago and I still do things because I made promises to him. In some ways I know I let him down and I think most ways I kept the promises in my own way.

[@Alberto-wu1mj]

Grief is complicated with no time table, but you cannot prioritize the dead at the expense of the living.

[@Petru0406]

Lol, gotta love how anywhere the sister goes there's conflict, guess everyone got their best out of the second story.

[@VesnaVK]

Story 1: remember the one about Vanilla Twilight father-daughter dance a little while ago? This is where that's headed.

[@LusterDust]

S1: This needs a lot of intensive therapy that he has to be open to, to work. I coincidentally have a few mirrors to his situation. I lost a spouse of a couple of years, and am now in a relationship that I have been in for nearly a decade now. I have a lot of trauma and mental health problems, but I would never dream of putting my current partner through ANY of what he has done. I have always advocated, embraced complete-stranger widowers off the street, for "No one can tell you how long to grieve." There's no time limit. If anyone says "It's been a year, isn't that long enough?" They deserve whatever gets thrown at them... But after a while you have to realize that your own actions _because_ of that grief are destructive, unhealthy and frankly, Toxic. You don't get freebies, you don't get to use the excuse of death to hurt other people. In my honest opinion, this man is not very bright. He shouldn't have started dating, or being open to long term relationships if the thought of "She just isn't her" EVER crossed his mind. I'm mad at him. I feel very deeply for the neglected OP. Another thing I'm worried about is his relationship to his new child. I worry he'll be totally disconnected, maybe spiteful because they're obviously not L's child, or maybe he'll go the route of delusional thinking, treating them like they're L's child. My mother (Oi Vey) told me my whole life that my father was this guy.... who died NINE YEARS before I was born. Her first and only husband. She made it so I felt this fake love for a father I had no relation to what-so-ever. If I ever mentioned he _wasn't_ my dad, she immediately refuted it and "assured" me he was indeed my father and that he would love me still. I HAVE HIS LAST NAME/ And now, what do you know, as an adult I had a bunch of crap to work through involving that. What my mother weirdly brought on me, not having an actual father ever, having a last name that I'm not connected to one bit and having to figure out letting go and grieving the "love" I once felt for my "father." So confusing, very damaging. Mama OP needs to keep a close eye on his relationship with the child.

[@kaneki18-d1t4]

Seriously OP of the first story is incredibly naive to forgive her husband. He definitely cheated on her while "he visited his ex's grave". He never loved or respected his wife. He only apologized because of his bad conscience and not because he's actually sorry. To be honest he neither deserves his son nor his wife. Instead of actually helping OP he ran away to his side chick. I would file for divorce and sole custody immedieately. Her husband will never be mature enough to take care of a family

[@mindyschocolate]

5:35 say that comment louder for the people in the back!!!!! It’s HIS problem, not OP’s to fix. He was the one who needed therapy.

[@fhuber7507]

1... OP got over the late wife... but the hubby never did.

[@lademonessa3075]

Never go back, always go forward. If you don’t feel comfortable yet then don’t commit to anything

[@chulutheimposter5415]

Hello Mark! Hope all is well and I wish you a great night!! I'm just here crying whilst playing Minecraft veriosn 1.11 HAHAH The nostalgia is real

[@wheelsndealz]

I feel like you've covered story 2 before. Kinda hard to keep track since so many reddit readers tell the same stories. But I know that was an old one.

[@ginathecookie]

S1: OP, don't fall for it He needs a few more years of therapy He may feel ready but he is not I have intense grief I still do It even gave me ptsd (ok so seeing the death did but still). Just wait a little more. Continue to cover parent. He is not stable yet, to him it feels like he is but its just the New med/new therapy glow It's like the honeymoon period for relationships but it's for grief/issues. He needs to establish ironclad routines with himself to deal with his mental health and to always take his meds

[@ginathecookie]

Or at least a few more months Idk depends how long it takes for him

[@ginathecookie]

"Cover parent," Thanks Autocorrect..

[@SilveryBlue1010]

10 years. How many years OP's going to waste her time over someone who chasing a ghost.

[@pelgervampireduck]

story 1: I don't think OP should take him back, I don't trust he changed, the situation was very weird in the first place, like he resented OP or saw OP as a consolation prize, like if he thought "if L was alive I would be happy". OP will never be enough.

[@user-pt1cz4ot1e]

Story 1: I would have gotten a divorce if that happened for a week. I am no one’s consolation prize, especially after being so compassionate and understanding from the beginning. She deserves so much better than that. He sounds like a serial killer in the making, or someone that would hang out with his wife’s actual corpse. 😳 Negative, Ghost Rider.

[@sammieg8641]

Don’t pick up where you ended… start fresh… need to go out on dates like it’s a whole new relationship… make it work

[@phyllis9750]

He's playing you OR having an affair. I vote affair.

[@jakeand9020]

Story 1, Update 2: "like he made a list of every way he failed me and is apologizing for each one.." Yeah, probably seems that way because that's exactly what he did.

[@hothotheat3000]

He’s having an emotional affair with a dead woman.

[@TheIronwil]

Story 1: It’s over. I haven’t seen if there are any updates yet, but this ride has ended. It’s not a little weird that OP’s husband runs to his late wife’s gravestone every time they fight - it’s HUGELY weird. That’s just messed up, and sends a very bad message. It’s one thing to grieve a loved one, but this is odd in the extreme. Edit: Seriously… just end it. OP will always be playing second fiddle. The amount of effort she expended to keep her husband’s late wife’s memory alive was way over the top. More than could be expected of anyone. And now she sees that she will always be less than a memory.

[@Some_Idiot_on_the_Internet]

OP's husband had canonised his late wife in his head. I've seen it in a number of stories. Deceased SO becomes some kind of idealised version of themselves, and because they're dead they can do no wrong and the widow/er keeps using them as some kind of happy place and refuses to move forward. The thing is if they were still alive who knows where that relationship would still be, a dead person can't fuck your best friend for example, you can never just not find them attractive anymore, or stress each other out. They will always be a fictional perfect could-have-been. That is not healthy. Living people can disappoint you, because they're REAL.

[@lizzykayOT7]

Story 2 : so glad that other commenters and OP's sister helped her see see her husband in a different light. There's this thing you pick up on people are overly apologetic for fairly minor things. OP came off like that to me, so put off about springing this on her husband, and him having his own space without really speaking about her own stake in their home. As if the house/ apartment was only his. Her update just made what she was living with so much worse.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Story 1 I do think it's too soon to rekindle. Be coparents and revisit in a year or two