Men's lack of standards: Why men pretend not to have a type

[@juliannos]

I have always found that particular statement quite funny because I know from experience men *absolutely* have preferences. I have been the woman that makes the first move and makes my interest known but have been turned down by those men more often than not. Why? Because I am overweight. Even though we often share the same hobbies and interests, they are not interested romantically. And that's fine! I don't want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to love me. But a lot of these men saying they "don't have a type" 100% do and will often go out of their way to make women who AREN'T their type know.

[@kassd4169]

💯

[@clara_corvus]

They don't think that's a type, they think it's common sense that nobody would ever desire an overweight woman. Idiots.

[@vivvy_0]

bUt IdOnt WAna dAtE A wHAle 🤡 says the guy who isn't an Adonis either 😑

[@futurestoryteller]

This actively goes against his theory that men say that because they'll take anything once but are otherwise disinterested in women.

[@HdoZnliy]

Their actions always show💯

[@ClaraDarko]

Back in the late 90s, when I was almost 20, plenty of young men complained to me about not being able to talk to women (even their own girlfriends) because their interests were completely different. "They only want to gossip and go shopping", they used to tell me. While I was a nerdy young woman with a passion for fantasy, sci-fi, horror and action movies. But they never even considered me because I didn't have the physique and the style they expected a woman to have. Years later, when we were in our 30s, those same men were desperate to hook up with me, because the spectacular goddesses they had pursued for a decade had either ignored them or taught them that a relationship based only on looks has no future. YET they still took issue with my style and made comments like "you'd look prettier with long hair" or "why do you have to dress like a nerdy college student"?

[@RuthM.-to3ll]

💯

[@br3669]

This is not a counterpoint but an addition: the girls they used to date *also* didn't "only want to gossip and go shopping". People simply aren't like that. People have rich inner lives. If someone doesn't bother looking for it in their partner, doesn't mean that partner is superficial; it means they only knew them superficially because they didn't really care to do otherwise.

[@bespectacledheroine7292]

Yep. They want the nerd who has a glow up. Sir, this isn't a movie. We're just like you but female. Take it or leave it.

[@cyrilliyus]

one word: porn.

[@olgagicala7886]

@@Meow4B And on the same note: women are taught to feel guilty for money they spend on clothes, makeup products and beauty services. We're constantly told to declutter, be more minimalistic, and to constantly reflect on our shopping habits. At the same time men aren't criticized for spending money on gadgets, electronics, overpriced fandom stuff, or other hobbies.

[@misspriss2482]

As a woman, I have a little bit of a different take on the "what's your type/what are you looking for?" question. If it's the first date and a man asks me that, I am never specific. Why? Because too many men suddenly fit that. What that means is, he is lying to get sex. Some people actively practice being chameleons to mold themselves into what you prefer so that you will waste your time on them. So I'm vague on purpose and he doesn't know who to pretend to be.

[@silviac221]

Very true!

[@midnight4685]

It is a tricky balance, because establishing boundaries and what all parties want out of a relationship is important to do early on. But yes, you also don't want either party to force themselves into fitting each other.

[@martaleszkiewicz5115]

Exactly! This is straight from a narcissist's textbook!

[@trenchrock]

Yep, they will literally ask "So, what are you looking for?" It's a trap. If you tell them you are looking for a solid monogamous relationship, they will say "Me too!" Even if they don't want that and string you along for ages.

[@Weirdkauz]

Good move.

[@C_Nic]

I knew a guy in college who was messaging multiple women. He was extremely desperate and talking to any girl who would give him attention. It’s funny, because if he’d actually payed attention to the people he was talking to he would have noticed that one had a crush on someone else from the beginning and the others were not even strait. He wasn’t talking with people he’d be successful with even if he was a good guy. Because of his lack of standards, he was basically throwing pasta at random women hoping it would eventually stick to one of them and getting mad at womens’ collective lack of interest.

[@dankline9162]

I'm far from that. I only approach women I'm actually physically attracted to a lot and whatever I see straight away, otherwise I'm not caring enough to bother. Then ofc I also have to be attracted to their personality as well, and hopefully find out we have some common interests. Although I'm happiest with someone like that , being alone and lonely is much preferable to being with someone I'm not interested in or causes me pain.

[@deirdremorris9234]

And old men do that too.

[@SS-hv7bo]

This is very common.Guys in HS and college had practically memorized a couple of lines that they would go try on every girl they spoke to not realizing that soon all these women would share their experiences and laugh at how inauthentic they were.

[@winning3329]

They talk to multiple women because they just want to get them in bed.

[@cathygrandstaff1957]

Coming from the nerdosphere I tend to suspect a lot of guys who say they don’t have a type know that their type is something completely unrealistic, like hot anime cat-girl who kicks ass but not to a degree that they’d find threatening, but haven’t figured out a realistic alternative.

[@johnalexir7634]

Lol, a common fantasy - a hot woman who kicks everyone's ass but loves only you. Needless to say I've been unsuccessful in finding someone like this.

[@DundG]

Don't forget smart and witty, but not enough to uncover your own stupidity. Actually any comptetence to be hot, but never showing off to reveal the realistic inadequacies of the one having the crush.

[@m0nz13]

I’m a rather chubby Indian woman and I’m definitely not the standard that most people would prefer (because I’m a minority where I’m from) but even then, men will continually beg me to date them or hook up with them in the guise of open-mindedness. Mainly because they can’t get the girl of their dreams and hoping I’d be the charity p*ssy for their cause. Obviously I’m not dumb so I never gave in. It’s very clear we have very different interests and different cultures so what makes them think this is compatible. The weirdest thing is that men find women like me exotic or different but can’t handle the fact that I’m just too different from the girls they wanna date and just wanna settle. I ain’t got time for all that. Desperation is disgusting and I’m glad I removed myself from the dating market. Reaching 30, doing my masters and just focusing on myself.

[@xejelah]

If that's your picture, you're stunning, and it sounds like you're selling yourself short.

[@meemzing]

You are a gorgeous woman! Brown is beautiful. As a MENA minority I completely respect where you're coming from. Never be the "token" woman for a desparate and bored dude. There are partners out there who would actually deserve you, holding out is a measure of the highest worth.

[@camiba6773]

I am a dark skin black woman and definitely not any man's preference. I feel you I removed myself. I am successful and at peace. To much craziness out there regarding these horrendous men.

[@camiba6773]

​@@xejelahyou say that but when you get get negative after negative from men it feels like it is every man and it gets exhausting. No one wants to go through that. I understand her.

[@MelliaBoomBot]

Good luck with your Masters. Did mine 20 years ago…I turned rejection into focus for my studies.. loved my MA instead!

[@bespectacledheroine7292]

Men not having standards is truly the entire problem with their strategies. I've said it before. This comes up a lot with the old "men and women can't be friends" chestnut. If you're just too attracted to literally all women for that, you need to raise those standards. I'm not just speaking from an ivory tower either. Dating as a nerdy introvert is nearly impossible, and loneliness is a killer. But settling is a kind of hell people should RUN from. Loneliness is better. Aside all that, you're just respected more when you're not desperate enough to shack up with anybody. That will impress the right person.

[@johndoe1274]

I feel your pain

[@Nerobyrne]

It's more that I'm only attracted to awesome women, and I also don't want to be friends with people who aren't awesome. But I also have loads of friends who are women. I just learned how to be friends with people I wanna bang 😂

[@polydex108]

That rings true, but you touch on the main problem. It is hard for the average man to find even one partner of average attractiveness, let alone find one that meets standards. Dating in person is nearly impossible. Online dating is a losing market where men are in excess supply.

[@LadyAstolat]

I'm a nerdy introvert of below average attractiveness. I never dated in high school because I was considered too ugly and fat by all of the guys. Fast forward a couple of decades and all the women I went to school with that I've run into are in miserable marriages or divorced, look like they are twice as old as they are, and have too many kids and/or substance abuse problems because they hitched their wagon to men who only valued them for their looks and what's between their legs. So, yes, it is beneficial to be alone if that's the alternative. All that said, don't give up! I've been with my forever nerd for 20 years and still going strong because we value one another as people. We have shared interests, hobbies, etc. and actually care about each other.

[@bespectacledheroine7292]

@@polydex108 I got down voted to hell for saying men struggle with online dating in a female space a couple weeks ago so I know it friend. But women don't have it easy either. A barrage of people only interested in you sexually isn't what many women looking for a LTR wants. That was my issue. Atop hating the interview-like nature of the apps. But the thing is, and I believe Contrapoints said this in her incel video too....which problem would you rather have? Because I'll also take a ton of shitty options with one potential golden one than a fat wad of nothing. But at the same time, not dating is truly infinitely preferable to wasting your time and someone else's.

[@lala1119]

As a woman who experienced a relationship with a man who "had no type", I can say that in the end it is extremely painful for the woman. A desperate man will act like he is exactly what you have been looking for your entire life just to experience the thrill of being in the relationship but once the initial novelty is gone, he realises out of blue that all this time he never even liked you but you've been in a "committed relationship" for some time already. The level of manipulation such people are capable of is dangerous

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

Yup. My ex managed to keep up his Potemkin village persona 13 years, probably because he had convinced himself that it was the real him. When even the youngest kid had learned to read chapter books and had multiple friends in the yard, the realization hit him that he no longer was the center of everyone's attention even a fraction of what he wanted to be - and he started to drink. That was a project and a half to get the kids and me out of, but we managed to flee in the end.

[@winning3329]

Every single guy I ever delt with never loved me and I was just a tool to be used and thrown away. My mission is to teach young women to gaurd themselves because many times the men in their own families will never teach them.

[@hpoz222]

the seemingly paradoxical thing is that raising your standards actually *improves* your dating pool; if not in quantity then definitely in quality (and frankly, desperation for any warm body is a pretty universally unattractive trait that will improve your life and prospects to unlearn). knowing the kind of person you'd like to date is, among other things, a roadmap of "these are the kind of people I want to attract" which can lead you to new social circles, activities and other things that enrich your life even if you don't find a partner there. this is all easier said than done but it's also very much worth doing.

[@neoqwerty]

Yeah, THAT. If you try to catch everyone you just end up spooking and waving red flags all over the place. If you can figure out what your standards are then you know where to SEARCH for a match. And I don't mean quote unquote "standards", like "I want a hot woman", I mean... What personality? What does a woman need to click with YOU? What are your personal peeves? What's your dealbreakers? What do you want to AVOID in a woman? What would a woman need to get along with you without constant friction or fawning? You're not looking for a sex worker, after all, you're looking for a DATE. The only criterion can't be "hot tiddies".

[@JuniperGal-ek2pu]

Yes. You have to pick quantity or quality.

[@winning3329]

Alot of men are not looking for wives they are just looking to spread their seeds to any woman who will allow it. These types of men don't change.

[@jujubesification]

I always thought that men were just clueless about the fact that they don't actually match with most women. It's ridiculous to think that any woman will do. They become very unhappy. Why would anyone consciously do that? I still don't think that they understand the ramifications of their lack of pursuing their type.

[@andromedaspark2241]

Oh they have types, for various personal functions and needs they have. With those lacking empathy and the willingness to emotionally connect this becomes predatory. I think some people get hurt and share the misery (conciously or otherwise) while getting their itch scratched too.

[@jujubesification]

@andromedaspark2241 I have the impression that when you think of these men, you have maybe in your mind the most refined predatory narcissist who is consciously using anyone who is willing to come into their orbit. I have in my mind clueless nerds who have no real experience with women, find them daunting and incomprehensible, and just know their penis probably wants to be in one. And that they likely want to be in a relationship, but have no idea how to go about it. Men, just like women, are not a monolith. I've certainly dated some type of a range, but probably have less experience with the worst of them, as I quickly learned to only become attracted to men who really liked me as a person. And I'm full of 'masculine' energy, so the worst men were already easily avoided. My advice to women: be yourself, learn to love yourself. Don't act a certain way to attract men. You'll attract men who want you to continue to repress yourself and help you do so.

[@waltchristien]

​@@jujubesification I really appreciate the last paragraph of this. To add to what you said prior to that; its ok to acknowledge that there are areas where you have very few preferences. Personally I have a wide range of physical traits I find attractive. But I'm very picky about personality: I want someone who is willing to speak their mind without putting down others; I want someone who shares my love of either puns or dark humor (bonus points for both); I want someone who enjoys listening to music; I want someone who will play some type of entertainment game (video, card, board etc...) with me; I want someone aggressive in the bedroom. Above all I want someone who is willing to share the things in their life that makes them excited, it can be infectious and can turn a bad day good, even if I'm not personally excited for the subject.

[@polydex108]

They don't match with most women, that's true. Combine this with the difficulty for the average man of finding even one partner, compatible or not, and we have the problem. Not defending or condemning any gender.

[@jujubesification]

@polydex108 yeah, I imagine it is harder these days. The dating market has been taken over by dating apps, which are specifically geared towards people not finding a stable partner and towards superficial standards. They are likely not going to help these men. Still, this is the world we inhabit and the only thing we can do is try to live different lives. If you don't have a lot to offer, learn to have more to offer. Not as the 'head of the household' who 'brings in all the money' and 'makes all the decisions'. But more as a partner? Find out what you like and care about. Develop yourself as a person. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn different kinds of skills: making things, expressing yourself, take care of your diet, find a form of physical activity you enjoy. Find a cultural topic you care about, learn a language, do volunteer work, try improv classes. Get to know yourself, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are, what you actually enjoy in a partner. I myself really spent time on developing myself as a person, because I knew I wanted a really good relationship in my life. And it worked. Been together with my partner for 19,5 years, still in love. And believe me, I dated beforehand and most of these men were great people that I still think of fondly, just not a good match for me. Some of them were less great, what they had in common is that they didn't see me nor respect me as a fellow human being.

[@Rayne_of_Sunshine]

As a lesbian, I always found it strange that the mind of a straight man is truly an enigma when it comes to dating. I've asked to understand like... why waste your time on a woman you have no common interests with? Or with someone who is toxic as hell? For me, "she's hot" is not a valid answer. Interests first, looks later. And if she's toxic, I'm turned off instantly. I will never understand.

[@toshaville]

I think men are more visually stimulated than women. Women are, ime, more interested in how something makes us feel. So feeling safe is better than being in the presence of Adonis for us. Or feeling sexy, or feeling interesting, or feeling funny, or fun. So for us, if we like you, then you're attractive. For guys, if you're attractive, then they like you. Because they're visual creatures, generally. We'd do better to admit that men and women are equally important *because* of our differences. We're complimentary. When men and women work together, we cover all the bases, because we're a little bit different.

[@leoniep9231]

@toshaville That sounds quite vague and unfortunately not very substantiated. Are there any scientific studies that provide evidence for men being more visual than women? Otherwise I see no reason to even entertain that claim, it sounds similar to the 'women are more emotional, men are more rational' prejudice.

[@olivebre4170]

​​@@leoniep9231 Yeah I can believe more that men are raised to be that way. It's romanticized constantly and so are men with weak preference when it should be men with strong morals and reasoning instead.

[@simply42]

​@@leoniep9231It's not very scientific, but a lot of trans people report their experience of sexual attraction changing after being on HRT for a while. Not sure if it aligns with what OP is saying or not, but it could be something to look into.

[@xejelah]

@@toshaville Cop out response. That's like when society tries to pass off culture as genetics. Males are brought up to believe having sex makes them manly. Preying on women as a sport. Notice how women don't have 'pick up' artists for men? Previous generations taught that providing is what makes you a man to such a point there were guys that refused to let their wives work because it emasculated them. They chase what's sexually stimulating because they're trying to get it in.

[@BeStillandKnow0000]

they want you to like them, without them actually liking you. they'll do it with a lie, with a mask, with anything ...

[@BeStillandKnow0000]

and you're so right to point out that they paint themselves as virtuous about having no standard and standard, as if they could see the deeper person... but it's more about their need for attention and not wanting to loose it from anyone.

[@Egg_Apron]

​@@BeStillandKnow0000 That's right. A man having no standards means that I'm just another warm interchangeable body... And I am worth far more than that. So I opt out.

[@Marlenkaminta]

It’s not the lack of having standards, cause that would suggest that the women they violate/lead on/abuse are somehow below some subjective standard. This language is misleading. They lack the capability to treat women as humans. They are not in connection with their own emotions, needs and humanity and project it to everyone around them. This is not a standard problem.

[@JentilNissaa]

the example of Gisele Pelicot was a poor choice as well as this is such a clear case of a man full of hatred and seeking to humiliate women, especially one who may have some perceived power over him. Its about the man's ego not the woman he victimises. Its nothing to do with the s act when it involves agression of that degree, its depravity and humiliation such as with children. Ego getting off on power.

[@birdiewolf3497]

I mean it’s both. That is kinda how women can have a different experience with the same guy. And men absolutely have the capability of picking and choosing which women they see as human and who they don’t. The act of dehumanization is completely arbitrary.

[@viperaaspis]

@@JentilNissaa There were multiple men over 20 years. This is not a clear case of a single man hating a single woman. Especially since he also assaulted his daughter. Men who have issues with their own emotions and abilities to treat living creatures with respect and bodily autonomy is the issue.

[@JentilNissaa]

@@viperaaspis exactly! as I said its that "deviation" (deviant) from a normal response of being aroused by his partner's pleasure to being aroused by causing pain and humiliation, (or being able to cause ie power). Its not about a man being this way for this woman and different with another woman. He just would screen out the ones who arent vulnerable or can't be manilpulated or he will act differently while aiming for the same result. "Once arousal has shifted from pleasure it's no longer anything to do with hormones or lust." loose quote from Jon Uhler. This is what people fail to understand. Its not having low standards and not holding out for the dream girl, its deliberately seeking situations of power because that's what is arousing. Happy life with dream girl never would be satisfying.

[@fx7105]

No actually he is right, it is a lack of standard and it's dangerous to think that it's only those with motive and harboring hate that are like that. It's also true they don't see women as humans. But the lack of standard refers to men who didn't think what they did was assault at all, weren't looking to assault, didn't even know what she looked like or who she is. Literally just would go to any barely living body or corpse, maybe woman shaped and still do it. They truly didn't even think what they did was bad. It is genuinely mind boggling but dangerous to underestimate these types and think it's only the truly evil ones who we have to fear. The ones without standard are the ones who won't pursue but if offered will just say yes without asking questions but otherwise would condemn assault and wouldn't think of themselves as capable of evil.

[@quinnholleman1547]

To all the people saying "A type just means having a physical preference!" you missed the point. He never said having a "physical type" is an inherently bad thing. He's saying using "I don't have a type," as a shorthand for "You're not it but I'd still sleep with you," and thinking that makes you seem mature and like a good person IS a bad thing and stems from not seeing women as people but as prizes to be bedded in the dating game. If you're just looking for someone to have some fun with, respect yourself and the other person enough to be transparent about it and if you two aren't on the same page, that's that, no harm done. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, know yourself enough to know what you want/need out of a partner while still knowing that you still have physical preferences, they're just not dealbreakers in building a good and healthy relationship.

[@incroyablisime]

I slept many times with male friends even though I'm not attracted to them (nor to men generally) because I knew they had a crush on me and I wanted to please them. And I'll do it again. I see sleeping with someone just as like watching a movie with someone, sure it can be a more pleasureable experience if you're doing it with someone who you share interests with or if you're physically attracted to them, because then you're in their company. But it's still enjoyable even if it's not the case. It's just not that deep and people should stop seeing it as such, especially women, although I admit slut shaming make it close to impossible atm. So also, no, it's not a seeing women as prizes thing (I'd argue seeking attractive women has actually more to do with seeing them as prizes (just like seeking the "best" prize in a comptetition)). Also what's really immature is thiking attraction is binary, you can be more or less attracted to someone on a spectrum actually.

[@ActaNonVerba-OH]

​@@incroyablisime I would've said girl what are you doing pleasing these men for nothing in return to your detriment, please stop that. But honestly, that probably makes those men even more mad (that you're not attracted to them or in love with them or faithful to them). So it's kinda hilarious actually

[@missinterpretation4984]

This is what I always say when they whine about how it’s easier for women to find sexual partners. All they’re saying is that most men will do it with anyone. And we’re supposed to then feel sorry for them for it? That’s an advantage for women? No.

[@rummanamoledina4973]

Exactly. That's how most men and most women are different. Men consider women a commodity. Women don't consider themselves a commodity

[@HipHopHoe707]

It's not easier to find a sexual partner for mutually enjoyable sexual activities for women. It's just easy to find someone who is willing to stick a dick in your hole. But when you point out to them that they can have that too, they get mad ^^.

[@polydex108]

You don't have to feel sorry for men, but it is easier for women to find a partner in general, sexual or not. Maybe not the partner they want, but the average man will have difficulty finding even one partner in the average woman. Call it the market, or whatever, but it is difficult online and tricky approaching in person. He is forced to lower his standards or be alone, not always, but most of the time.

[@NoxAeterna-wf4iv]

​@@polydex108 "It's easier for women to find a partner" For that they had to lower their standards to the bottom. Even after that, most end up with man-children, @buser, controlling, angry partners, which later ends up in separation or a cr#me scene.

[@polydex108]

@@NoxAeterna-wf4iv I think that is true to an extent. They either have to lower their standards or deal with a man who will cheat or be with other women also. I'm not saying women have it easy. It is hell for all genders out here in different ways.

[@chaiisatree]

As a young woman who is very inexperienced in dating, I'm often reluctant to articulate a type as well, simply due to my lack of experience and because I often find myself attracted to guys who I thought weren't my type. However, I think it's extremely important to have standards. I can tell very quickly if I'm not attracted to someone and it would just be vile to let them believe I like them just because I feel like it's time to have a partner. I think it's okay to be genuinely uncertain about your type but always be transparent about whether you're drawn to a specific person or not.

[@vivvy_0]

​@Apotheous-h5j don't let social media take so much energy from you, it's a waste of time.

[@chaiisatree]

@Apotheous-h5j I'm glad ^^

[@JenamDrag0n]

As a woman who didn't figure out dating until I was in my late 20s, one of the things that helped me articulate my standards to myself for my own benefit was to write down the qualities I would like/not like to find in a potential partner. I was interested in seeking long-term relationships, so I also included things like "smoking/doing drugs is a dealbreaker for me", and I also gave myself grace to be strict with my preferences. It doesn't matter how nice a person they seem if you're looking for a long-term romantic partner and they don't like or are allergic to cats while you are a cat person. It doesn't make them a bad person, just incompatible with you, and that's okay. Your goal shouldn't be to make yourself attractive to the widest selection of people possible, but to make yourself the most attractive to ONE person, because unless you're polyamorous, you're only trying to find one, and there are over 8 billion people on this planet. The odds of you not finding ONE single person that is compatible enough with you are insanely low, even if it takes time to find them. Humans are not THAT unique from each other.

[@yaboykirby7789]

@@JenamDrag0n But like how do I know what I want out of a partner AT ALL if I've never had one? Like the only thing I care about is that they're a decent person, more than a hookup and that they're between the age of 20-27 (I'm a 24 yr old Man). But like a year ago my only requirements was that they were a decent person and older than 27. Like I had 2 real requirements (who wants to date a shitty person?) and now do the opposite of one of them. If you were to ask for another requirement I'd say Polygamy is completely incompatible with my personality but like a Married Woman (in an open relationship) hugged me a lil too hard at 5 am Today and I enjoyed it? For my Lesbian friend (who has never even had a date with a Woman before) her only requirements are age 20-25 (She's 22) and yet we were in a room of Lesbians that age and the person She gravitated to most was 29 and probably Straight. About 80-90 percent of Women in that age bracket I met IRL are Women that I could imagine really enjoying dating (as long as they were single, could speak English ok and weren't about to leave the city). All of them felt differently about me or viewed it as not worth the time/effort ("Work is really busy" for example). The one date I've had was with a Woman that was "too shy for me" (She kinda forced the date) but the date was a TON of fun. I just don't get like how people can just write down parameters for partners and not have them be completely wrong if you don't have experience?

[@kidomniman8635]

Lack of standards can also be described as being desperate. Desperation is a horrible strategy because even when someone gives you a shot they end up feeling like who they are doesn't matter and if they had better options they would take them. Which is true for a lot of people

[@martaleszkiewicz5115]

Everybody gangsta and "I don't have a type" until she's fat. Or for chubby chasers, the other way around. (also, pls don't crucify me in the comments, I'm fat myself, I meant it only half-jokingly though)

[@JanFWeh]

Men get crucified if they say out loud what their type is. That is the real reason. But this guy targets women as his audience and tells them what they want to hear.

[@quinnholleman1547]

​@JanFWeh There's a difference between having a type and shaming people for not looking a specific way and most men who admit to having a type shame women for not being "their type." There's also the fact that a guy's type is more about what a woman looks like rather that what kind of person she is so the objectification has multiple layers because he doesn't care about who she is, just that she looks a certain way that makes him think, "I wanna bang that," because she has become a prize to be won and bragged about rather than a person to love and understand

[@JanFWeh]

@@quinnholleman1547 Yes, having a type is looks based. And women do it, too. Women are more critical when it comes to men's appearance than vice versa. Just look at studies where women rate 80% of men below average. The difference is that you try to shame men for voicing their type. A woman says she only dates men over 10'2" it is _"just a preference"._ You acting like women don't preselect based on an man's looks in the age of dating apps is dishonest or delusional.

[@quinnholleman1547]

@@JanFWeh I know women have preferences but they're not usually dealbreakers. My mother has told me she fell for my stepfather because of his personality, not his looks because he's a short, fat, bald guy but he's also funny, nerdy, and cares a lot about his friends and family. My ex/roommate likes large, muscular, dark-skinned guys and has dated exactly 0 guys who fit that criteria. Meanwhile, I only dated her because she expressed interest in me and never returned the interest because she wasn't my type so I didn't see her as worth my time. I give these examples to show you the differences between how men and women approach having "a type." Women rating 80% of men as unattractive doesn't mean anything to this conversation because they're usually looking for a partner where personality and life goals matters more, not a hot hook-up. And all the "I only date guys over x tall" are the exception, not the rule and if that's all you see, that says more about you and what you allow yourself to see than it does about women as a whole.

[@JanFWeh]

@@quinnholleman1547 And *for most men* their type isn't a dealbreaker either. You just don't perceive those men as options. That's why your perspective is so skewed.

[@trenchrock]

Loneliness > Settling

[@JuniperGal-ek2pu]

Preach

[@amberfuchs398]

Peaceful solitude over toxic "connection"

[@evilsharkey8954]

Women who settle tend to be just as unhappy as men who pretend not to have a type

[@Sidera17]

There's a good video out there somewhere where a woman gives the advice, "If you want to know what a man's type is/who he is attracted to, take time and space to quietly observe him during conversation.". It doesn't take long to see the types of women he seems to treat better or light up around more (especially if you are NOT receiving that attention by contrast.). This could be in terms of looks, personality, how they interact with him, or any of those permutations. Other woman also gave examples of things men would take time to painstakingly point out about other women in front of them. Sometimes it was just pointing it out, but a lot of times the observations were critical. (Ex. constantly putting down women who dressed more provocatively, or who were plus-sized, etc). If it isn't enough of a red flag for being misogynistic, it was sometimes the guy telling on himself because he was constantly NOTICING those types of women but then insulting them in front of his current partner and criticizing them as a way to "throw her off the scent.". This type of behavior should just be a massive red flag.

[@AVibeCalledYes]

Red Flag & reason I deleted dating apps: Look at his "what do you want?" If it says: "looking for friendship, long distance, short term, long term, marriage, casual, etc." He is opening himself up and casting a wide net to catch as many women as he can. Red flag. Women, STOP dating these dudes. When more women shut down on these dudes and they hit that "loneliness epidemic," they'll realize it's them. If they don't and want to do what they once did to women, they can't gaslight & assault bullets." 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@BinaBecker]

Bingo! It's NOT a “loneliness epidemic”, it’s a RED FLAG epidemic. Too many guys behaving badly is all it is. Shape up or miss us, fellas. Them's your real options.

[@Spin793]

​@@BinaBecker Idek what I'm doing wrong 😭

[@vivvy_0]

I don't think they will realize anything. It's more likely that they'll get more extreme and demand some horrible policies to be made to constrict womens rights.

[@vivvy_0]

​@@Spin793guys with such issues need some sort of counseling. it's insane this doesn’t exist yet. Why is there sex ed but no social relation/building skills for attracting and building intimacy stuff. It's highly needed in todays age.

[@seraphilight]

Who puts friendship on a dating app o.o

[@tiapina7048]

I'm picky about personalities, which is more difficult to define, understand compared to say "I like X hair, Y heigh, Z eyes, etc"

[@neoqwerty]

For personalities it can be easier to define it by dealbreakers, major peeves, and minor annoyances. It might sound overly negative, but sometimes it's easier to paint a negative than a positive with blurry boundaries. (and honestly, listing your hard nos and dislikes can sometimes be better than listing what seems like a custom order for some weird build-a-bride project lmao) Cull what you want to things that are ABSOLUTELY needed and would be a dealbreaker to not have; if you tend to talk a LOT about your TTRPG games, then someone who LIKES to hear TTRPG stories even if she doesn't play herself is probably a must to avoid relationship friction/wear. If you get shouty at a sport, you probably either want someone who finds that hilarious or gets just as cheery/shouty as you about it. That sort of required complimentary stuff. A partner needs to be someone who complements you, and someone that you complement in turn, at least at the most basic level, else you're gonna end up with a relationship that constantly needs counselor intervention.

[@johannageisel5390]

I feel you. I am attracted to a certain demeanor and "aura", but about other things I am very open.

[@KxNOxUTA]

​@@johannageisel5390 As yourself if said aura and demeanour have actual functions in everyday life. Otherwise you, too, are not in touch with your needs and are likely suffering trauma induced selection blindness. I do get it. I know what youmean AND you CAN actually dive deeper and understand why you are looking for that aura. For me, it's e.g. gentle body language. I'm chronically ill and I have a lot of sensory struggles, so I understood I will NOT do well with a partner who doesn't regulate their physical strength by default and from a place of loving care and being careful with physical boundaries. I will physically hurt and he'll feel bad about being hurtful, if he's on the side of "firm grip (which isn't unloving!)". And that's unfair towards both of us. I understood I prefer calm voice and it's again a sensory question. Same for smells! And even same for colour brightness aka colours are great but preferences for wild mixes, patterns and neon colours will give me sensory problems. That's no one's fault. It means I need a good fit! Is the function of the aura "restraint" because you need to know hecan regulate himself when boundaries are set? Is the aura "wild" because you need a person who can ditch all restraints and go wildwith you, without hurting either of you? Actually ask the deeper questions of what practical functions result from people with certain personality traits, body language type and energy vibe.

[@zelousfoxtrot3390]

That hit hard. I am a women, and I also think there are women out there who do this too- accept the attention of any man who shows interest in her. And they end up with relationships that are just as shallow and just as doomed as the men who do the same thing. It seems to me to often be linked to not really expecting your partner to be anything but a faceless entity that fills a role- you explained that role for men, but I would say that for the women it is often 'the man of the house', and I see it a lot in the patriarchal model of family units. She doesn't expect to truly love her husband as another person- she loves him as a provider and 'head of the household'. She loves being able to fit into the role she has been told to fill, and that role requires a man to fill another roll in the family unit. He is an idea, but not one that she has any real interests in common with.

[@eatplastic9133]

More people need to see this comment

[@neoqwerty]

THIS THIS THIS. If you get someone because society tells you you need to do that, it's obvious that it's gonna fail. You literally don't even know the person, at that point even an arranged marriage will work better because then at least it's understood to be a convenience thing and the spouses can hash it out as a contract and maybe learn to be friends. But the better option is to not settle and just tell society to go take a hike if they ask about marital status or whatever; you'll marry (or not marry, or move in and cohabitate) when you're ready and you've found someone who clicks with you in your day-to-day. Both women and men need to internalize that-- marriage won't make anyone happy like some kind of love potion magic, people get married ONCE THEY'RE HAPPY TOGETHER.

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

That really doesn't apply to with many women outearning men. Many women don't need providers nor are the interested in role based relationships. Women want partnerships. Your archaic ideal or one only applicable in the tradcon red states.

[@zelousfoxtrot3390]

@@wyleecoyotee4252 But that's exactly what I was saying- that the 'filling a role' version of getting a spouse is what's wrong, and yes, that usually is found in the trandcon red states. I should know, I live in one. And the guys around here HATE the idea of women as people, and women bend themselves around all sorts of ways to accept that as normal, because they think they don't want to be lonely- no matter how much $$$ they make.

[@user-sg4ov7ng4h]

@@wyleecoyotee4252 yes and no? i met one woman like that, her boyfriend sucks but he's in the military, will get stationed overseas and she wants a kid. a lot of women tho just want a partner

[@angemcauslan2551]

Yessss. I was trying dating again recently, noticed that while I could say what I was looking for in a relationship and what kind of life I wanted with a partner none of the men could. It was really frustrating. I’d so rather men came right out and said what they wanted and we could move on if our needs wouldn’t mesh rather than moving forward on surface level information only to find out later we were incompatible.

[@manersbams9215]

@angemcauslan2551 It’s already been explained a million times but your weekly guy is our monthly/yearly girl.

[@ak5659]

The 'I don't have a type' strategy is learned way earlier. I used to teach K-12 and around fourth grade boys start to understand that most questions have one 'right' answer or a specific range of 'right' answers. Anything else results in some sort of negative outcome. It doesn't take them long to shift their mental energies to 'What kind of answer does the person asking want to hear?' I never had much luck in changing that.

[@anangoohns]

This is a behavior called people pleasing. Its a defense mechanism that people across genders have but on a broad scale women are socialized to do this much more often from a very young age. It just tends to take different shapes in mens behavior. The problem is that when you're engaging in people pleasing you're not just betraying yourself to please someone, it also isn't good for everyone else because you're essentially engaging in falsehoods. Youre giving someone a false impression of yourself, your interests, what youre okay with or not. I get that in certain circumstances its necessary for survival--its learned for a reason. But in general life and real relationships its a solution that only leads to more problems. Paradoxically it doesn't end up pleasing anyone in the long run. It leads to everyone feeling betrayed--you because you sacrificed to play a role that no one can sustain forever and leads to resentment because you never end up feeling accepted, and the other person because they feel lied to and that person they thought you were doesnt really exist. Its hard to work to unlearn it but it really is vital for any healthy relationships-- romantic and platonic. Therapy or self-help books are highly recommended as someone who personally is working to unlearn this myself. It really makes a difference.

[@vivvy_0]

​@anangoohns lost any sense of self by now..

[@MeepMeepPfannkuchen]

Quick question: why is it, in your eyes, that boys specifically learn this? AFAIK, girls face the same thing, so I don’t think that the „lack of standards“ stuff can be blamed on that…

[@SakuraEvangeline]

No in the case described in the video it is manipulation, not people pleasing. People pleasing typically means you are worried people will get mad at you or do you some form of harm. The type that is described in the video is more so used to try and coerce someone into sleeping with you or starting a relationship with you.

[@aceyd9299]

@anangoohns This is not people pleasing. It's manipulation.

[@Lily-tj1zo]

Preeeeeach. .... I feel the same way about roommates who advertise their selves as "chill". .. In other words, they are willing to lure people in with common enemy intimacy toward anyone who has a boundary which they do not have, and imply that they have necessarily thought to specify all of their own. .... Gee. .. How much faith does this inspire in your communication skills?..

[@jasminecollins897]

It's always bothered me how comfortable so many men are with dating women they know are bad people. They're unkind to others. They actively drive friends and family members out of the man's life. Their politics and personal beliefs are horrifying. But it doesn't matter, because he doesn't care about her as a person. He cares about her for what she *does* for him, and he's still getting enough of whatever he wants from her. It's just a transaction, and they'll often act genuinely baffled, and even hurt, if you try to discuss the situation from the perspective that her character is even slightly relevant to whether or not he should want to be with her. Sure, she's openly rude to waiters and has cost him his relationship with two adult children so far, but she's his *wife*. It's bizarre to be resentful of how disrespectful it is TO HER for my dad to not care that his wife is awful to his adult kids. It's more shitty to us, obviously, but it's also a little shitty to her. He'd love literally any woman who checks the boxes he has for a wife, and not a single one of those actually has to do with who she really is as a person. The deepest it goes is some shared interests, and a willingness to tolerate his nonsense. It's terribly sad to not care if your partner is a good person. And yeah, people all have different standards for what that means, but you can see how many men will just disregard it when she obviously doesn't meet what he believed his standards were, as long as she's attractive to him and he can have fun with her or get some of his emotional needs met (the ones that he really should be in therapy for, usually.) There's no deeper connection and no drive for growth in that kind of arrangement.

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

Years ago i was on a dating app and a few guys on there put up a list they want women under a certain age etc etc and they would contact me, despite being older, outside all their criteria. I would respond accordingly and they'd respond 'oh thats ok' blah blah blah. My response was 'bye ! ' Such an insult. They can't get any women.

[@thesecretshade]

When they asked me what I'm looking for and I said long term only, they would always match my answer even if their profile says the opposite and I called them out every single time. Their answer: it doesn't matter to me. Bye.

[@martaleszkiewicz5115]

If men don't have a type, why is Pearl still single?

[@csherman47]

More and more women are choosing to be single rather than be an abusive man’s slave.

[@AdelTheForsaken]

Pick-me's never get picked.

[@Skyecaster101]

@@AdelTheForsaken They do get picked, but not for anything good.

[@nanomia]

I just want a man to pick her so she become a stay at home wife focused on her man and home and spare us her awful podcasts

[@laurasouzaac]

I mean, she's contradictory as hell. She claims all the time that women need to stay at home and not work, be silent, docile and submissive, but she's out there working on her channel, talking in podcasts, expressing her opinions resolutely. She's not that type of fragile woman that she believes men should pursue.

[@chondele]

This is probably why they get so in their feelings when promiscuous women turn them down. They assume that she also has no standards.

[@cde3788]

Any attractive women, gets 6 dicks offered to her on the way to get coffee in the morning. Even if she only says yes 1% of the time, the number of people she would be with would seem like a large number. Rather than asking women their body count, ask men if they have EVER said no when sex was offered? If not, they have no standards.

[@TrashPandaKi]

Another section of this is when you honestly look at your type/what you are attracted to and figure out what you want in a long term partner is when....you learn about yourself. Some of those things are not good things and some of them are. We are all human, good and bad. Self introspection is something these types of men specifically do not like to do. Probably because it is mostly bad in there. Change is the abhorrent word men in general also do not like.

[@janinasaam]

Having a type doesn't mean you'll only be intersted in people that are your type, it's more of a prefernce. I guess I prefer guys with brown hair the most and dislike guys with unnaturally coloured or black hair the most. But I have been in a relationsship with a blonde guy and a guy with coloured red hair as well. Because my type being someone who has brown hair doesn't stop me from liking the person, it just influences the likelyhood of it

[@heidim7732]

Exactly. I found lots of men attractive over the years, the superficial parts are not as important as the character and the core values. When I started dating he-who-became-my-husband I noticed that his teeth were crooked. Then he smiled, and the smile went all the way up to his eyes and the smile lines appeared, and I never really thought about his crooked teeth again. Over time I noticed that he liked dogs and cats (and they liked him!), that neighbourhood children flocked to him if he was out in the yard working on his car, that he answered their questions patiently, that he was a generous tipper when we went out for the evening. We shared a love of hiking, swimming and fishing. We shared financial and career goals. We liked how the other person smelled sans cologne. 38 years later, he still smells pretty good. And we've developed some separate hobbies, and that's okay too.

[@deanandruth7439]

What he is saying is that most men have a type (not always physical traits, see how some men date super independent women but want a submissive homemaker)but will deny having a type to you if you do not happen to fall in that category hence showing that they have no standards and would just about hump anyone implying a lack of integrity. Most people have a type whether physical characteristics or personality. Someone should be able to say the type of person they envision their life with, that shows that you are at least minimally self aware and able to reflect on the suitable conditions in which you believe you would thrive in a relationship. I always say this, whether you are a man or a woman, you do not want to be with someone who is not a thinker unless you are not one yourself.

[@remnant1018]

“Oh, I don’t have a type” means he would just as soon hook up with a criminal, a person with no classiness, a person with terrible hygiene, a person with unhealthy intimacy habits, a person who’s violent, etc. Why should we be interested in that guy? You hold no value to him and he doesn’t care what kind of person he goes home with so long as somebody is going home with him. Pass.

[@ionabab7274]

Eh, I don’t know about that. “What’s your type” typically means what traits do you like physically in a partner. I’m a woman, but if asked I always say I don’t really have one, because I don’t. If you’re cute, you’re cute. Attractive isn’t limited to a set standard of physical attributes. Doesn’t mean I don’t have standards though, and I definitely have requirements for someone’s personality/actions. This feels like a real uncharitable interpretation of what men mean when they say that. Maybe just ask “what does ‘not having a type’ mean to you?” next time.

[@Alex-mc5yn]

@@ionabab7274 "what's your type" when asked by whatever sex you're "targeting" for dating, sex or relationships usually means "let me lie to you and pretend to be your type to get sex".

[@Thicken_Brob]

Why did you bring violence and crime into that? Who genuinely says "you know, I'm not really into murderers, that's my ick" in a normal dating setting? 😂😂

[@neoqwerty]

@@Thicken_Brob People who want to filter out Columbine Shooter fangirls lmao (I'm slightly joking, but in certain subcultures you have to go "I don't date people who fanpoodle over Ted Brundy and serial criminals" because that filters out most of the extra-unhinged.)

[@remnant1018]

@@Thicken_Brob a couple years ago, a guy told me that he and his ex-wife used to fight a lot and that he’d asked friends of his if they fought with their girls and they said “yes”. He was trying to make the point that I should be ok with dating a guy that fought his girl. He said fighting is normal. Weirdest shxt I ever heard and I have no idea why he kept talking about it considering I’m sure my face showed my disgust and creeped-out-ness. I don’t wanna date a guy that thinks it’s ok to get violent with his girlfriend, and I don’t wanna date a guy that would be ok dating a chick who regularly gets violent with him. Not my type.

[@madeleinedarnoco5190]

Love how you differentiate between type and standard. It really helps me to think about my own preferences more clearly

[@DeeMo-kc2yx]

“I don’t have a type” (you’re not it but I’d go for a tumble with you and let’s not make anything of it)

[@tophatcat1173]

Just because someone doesn't "have a type" doesn't make them a bad person. Just to be clear. Sometimes we just have low personal awareness about that kind of thing.

[@neoqwerty]

The problem with it is that then they're looking for some nebulously defined item in a haystack, and getting mad they can't find it when they didn't even consider what they were looking for. It's like literally looking for a needle in the haystack without knowing what you're gonna do with the needle; do you want to sew or pin with it? Are you embroidering, sewing thin fabrics, thick fabrics, canvas, or leatherworking, here? Is it by hand or machine? When you have no idea what kind of needle you need you're gonna keep picking up the wrong ones, and you shouldn't get mad at the needles or the haystack about it, you should get angry either at yourself for not doing your research, or at the idiot who told you you need a needle and it doesn't matter what kind of needle, they all do the same thing.

[@Mystic_Paths]

In reality, most people do have general preferences, but these don’t always define or limit who they end up liking, sometimes, it's less about a checklist and more about connection, chemistry, and timing.

[@charleston1789]

I think low self esteem meaning you accept any kind of attention as The Best is a key factor for people of all genders - a more stable sense of self and a knowledge that you’re worthy and deserving of a healthy relationship goes a long way

[@justteeth1504]

Just wanted to say thank you for making these videos, you're saving many young girls and boys with the knowledge you share

[@joygernautm6641]

My favorite, is guys who say they don’t have a tape, but when you do a dive on their social media, you see they certainly do and they are following a bunch of Instagram girls who are 21, blonde, big tits, wearing tons of make up in skimpy outfits…. But then telling you they don’t have a type and that they actually prefer women who don’t wear make up, have dark hair, etc. No. I called bullshit. That’s your type. You just have a hard time getting your type so you’re willing to bang anything as a placeholder until the girl of your dreams actually consents to being with you.

[@Masque1262]

Ok, I wasn't expecting to be called out as a woman! Lol. And I hate hate hate this, but I also "didn't have a type" and would give anyone who gave me attention a chance... that lead to awful, soul-crushing relationships where I was unfulfilled and felt unloved. I have been unhappy in all of my adult relationships... until my most recent, who is ABSOLUTELY my type!! But, I think what's so important, and you touch on it briefly, is that "your type" should not just be looks, but shared interests, love languages, and morals. Therefore, we must know ourselves well enough to know what we truly want and need... and not try to force ourselves to be artificially perfect for the attention we're so desperate for... Thank you for your voice and message!!

[@NidzShah-ps6kr]

This is absolutely true. Men dont have standards. I've had men yap away at what they like in a woman and by the end of the evening they'd be quite smitten by me even though I am nowhere near the description. I've realised that when they do reveal their type, even then, they dont know what they're talking about. It's an archetype they've constructed in their heads bcz of their influences and experiences. When they find something better or different which is real and more tangible they drop their fantasies quickly.

[@oreolaw9911]

luckily that behaviour is learned and can be unlearned I have a friend who is a trans woman she used to have no type and she would take any opportunity to get a date and she was miserable but more recently she seemed to realise that she needed to be more vocal about what she actually likes and now finally she is in a great relationship.

[@charleston1789]

That’s a positive anecdote to hear, I hope things continue to improve for her

[@morganeoghmanann9792]

Well that certainly sheds some light on a lot of men's behavior. Ouch!

[@solbradguy7628]

In order for men to "get past the hunger for any and all attention", someone is going to have to be willing to give men *some* attention. And that's just not happening. Sure, we have types. But it's already so extremely, brutally difficult to get any opportunity for romantic affection as a man that imposing even the tiniest restrictions drastically cuts your already miniscule chances. Talk to any woman about your preferences. See how she shrinks away immediately. Sad as it is, we are not really allowed to have preferences as men. I even personally had a relationship end after expressing mine *after being asked about them*. Trying to narrow down the pool will just leave you lonely forever, there's no fairytale dreamland woman that will ever find you. You take what you can get and that's all there is to that.

[@adamdyer7175]

Maybe asking a potential partner "What's your type?" is an inherently bad and toxic question in the first place? Whenever a woman has asked me that and I answer honestly (usually that they aren't my type but I'm attracted to them anyways) they get offended and upset. It's just a trap question.

[@charleston1789]

I wonder if this is where the “man can’t stand the old ball and chain” kind of archetype comes from, we associate it with boomers but I’m fairly sure it pre-dates that

[@neoqwerty]

It absolutely predates that, I've found Victorian fiction with that archetype and Lucian of Samosata (Hellenic era ancient Greece, like, first century stuff) makes fun of them in his satyrical space opera travellogue. As a note, a lot of the current toxic hypermasculinity is basically repackaged BS Sparta-glorifying propaganda from idiots like Aristotle and other chauvinistic elitist facist philosophers who had a hateboner about Athenian democracy. I've researched both Hellenized Greco-roman orthodox Christianity and Victorian masculinity norms, and "modern" masculinity has more in common with 200AD shit than 1880s late-Victorian male gender norms-- Victorians actually loathed, lambasted, and reviled the current "alpha male" archetype and called it "masculine brutality". Basically you're not supposed to act like a drunk animal if you want to be respected and marry a good wife, or at all, according to Victorian standards. (Yeah, even the rather restrictive and misogynistic victorian era was more progressive than society is currently on how men should treat women.)

[@charleston1789]

@@neoqwerty yeah, I am aware of the ancient misogyny. As far as I’m aware it’s also the reason that AFAB anatomy and medical research is sooooo bad even today

[@ilikecookies9796]

@@neoqwerty Rare victorian W.

[@AlbertBalbastreMorte]

​@@neoqwerty sounds like upper class values. Not sure the Victorian commoners thought the same.

[@turkleton4783]

Sometimes not having a type is just not having a type. Sometimes it’s just easier to say that than, “I really don’t want to have this conversation again. And please don’t try to set me up with another one of your friends/coworkers/cousins/etc.” It is interesting to finally see why so many people kept pushing when I would say that though.

[@pierresosa6156]

3:25 - "The reality is..." -- Preach! Louder! Yes! 100%

[@tinkergnomad]

The funny bit is, the guys who want a gamer girl are the same guys that have spent years chasing women out of these spaces, and telling them they're "fake." Gee, I wonder why no woman wants them? 🤷🏻

[@leroyjenkins1249]

Worse: They say "I wish I had a cool, adventures gf" but once they play a game were the woman isn't Anime-Waifu pretty they throw a hissyfit: "THESE FEMINISTS ARE TRYING TO RUIN GAMING WITH THEIR DEI!😭😭😭 Why did they uglify [remastered character]! They made her male!" And then you look up the "audacity" they mean and..."wait. That just looks like a normal woman? I have the same head & chin- Oh."

[@embluvya]

"I dont have a type" = "im casting a wide net as a strategy to get sex from women i have no intention of seriously dating" i.e. men who say this are lying.

[@ike804]

I love how you cant even consider the fact that someone would say this because sometimes being open is a good thing and they dont want to be hyper-selective about the people they could find a genuine connection with.

[@George-kz5hb]

Will always appreciate any story containing Drew Afualo in it.

[@Moonstruck_Arrow]

“Yet when it comes to Drew Afualo, suddenly those very same men have a lot to say about the type of woman they desire.” Me, a lesbian: I mean fair enough, she’s absolutely gorgeous “Reminding us all as loudly as they can that Drew is not it” Me: HUH??!??!??

[@evilsharkey8954]

There are some women with no or low standards, too, and they fall into the same failing relationship traps. There’s also a problem when one has a physical type that is unsustainable, like that their partner be trim, fit, and free of wrinkles. People age. If your type is a 20 year old, you’re not going to have happy long term relationships.

[@wendypeeters7656]

They prentend not to have a type but they defently have one. Baeutyfull, d7mb and obidient😂😂

[@lolaWWEWWFpunk]

Men like the "possibility" of getting "free labor".

[@magnarcreed3801]

If Drew is the lady in the blazer she can definitely hit me up if she likes women at all! The hell they on about she’s gorgeous.

[@hpoz222]

she is! but she's heavier and also very opinionated re: shitty men so of course they hurl abuse at her

[@karanhdream]

My father's type were women who were too emotionally intelligent to bear him for more than 10 minutes. So he settled first for a people pleaser and later a manipulative narcissist with daddy issues. Had he been capable or introspection, gotten some therapy and strived to be a better person instead of simmering in his bitterness and neurosis, I think he would have been much happier in love.

[@JasonS42]

While it is true that men do have preferences, I don't think that is the same thing meant when most people refer to "having a type". The thing is that almost all of those preferences are superficial and the qualities that really matter are usually not apparent until you're in a committed relationship. The truth is that one's "type" is a matter of attraction. Healthy and sustainable relationships are a product of sustained commitment, effort, communication, and intention. Healthy and satisfying relationships are work and basically have nothing to do with one's superficial preferences and type.

[@DemX_HaX]

i agree for the most part, but i also believe that a good chunk of men also don't answer that question directly out of fear of the response to what type of women they're into is. could be because of how some men on social media are treated when talking about their types/having standards, not sure tbh. i also think its up to them to get over it. just be honest and respectful. it aint hard unless the only thing they care about is having sex by any means necessary.

[@dlugi4198]

It's not that man don't have standards. It's that they don't have standards for sexual relationship. They do have standards for long term relationship. That's very important to understand, since when combined with no morals, it explains why many pretend to have desire for long term relationship, only to leave after sex.

[@Rocanala]

Sexual attraction is the FIRST REQUIREMENT for men

[@sidewinder9258]

Oh I do have standards trust me, the problem is that when I voice my standards (I like tall chubby colored eyes ww) people immediately jump and tell me hey well if you don't wanna stay lonely gotta lower them standards, so Damned if you do and Damned if you don't kinda situation.

[@hpoz222]

the people who say that are just assholes and you can absolutely discount their opinion

[@eatplastic9133]

@hpoz222 is right, but by standards we usually mean character qualities, not superficial ones. Like having a certain belief system that is similar to yours makes the relationship statistically more stable. If you go out with someone you think is stupid or immoral you won't respect them and you both will be miserable.

[@hpoz222]

@@eatplastic9133that’s so true also

[@neoqwerty]

Backing the other two up, the "lower your standards" crowd just mean either "stop complaining to me about your dating life" or "let me sabotage you and drag you down into the desperation whirlpool because I think it'll benefit me somehow".

[@matthewneagley2136]

I feel like though, "Type" often gets bandied about as a shorthand for preferred physical appearance. You see that in the initial video where the woman says "all your exes look like the same person". She's equating type and physical appearance. And in that regard, there's nothing wrong with not having a type, with saying hair color, build, style, aren't all that important, that what matters is hobbies, personality, life outlook, etc... those deeper things are what a lot of the rest of the video and comments are about. But it's a little unfair to ask a man "What's your type", which is commonly understood to mean "What physical characteristics do you prefer" and then apply their answer to a less common interpretation of the same question and make sweeping generalizations based on your bad faith moving of the goalposts. If you want the answer to "what qualities do you look for in a partner?" Then ask that question, not a different one. 🤷‍♀️

[@KxNOxUTA]

False! "all your exes look like the same person" does by no means has to mean the looks are literally alike, but rather that they are the same time of character in different external appearances. So that was YOUR assumption, that it only refers to physical appearance. It does not! If some people mean type = physical only, then it's not reasonable to state it's the general perception. Because especially when I ask my female peers, we might throw in some visuals but most often you will get the description of a character type like "extrovert vs. introvert", "party lover vs. cosy intimate round lover" and "mountain climber vs. books lovers" (I said vs. but they aren't mutually exclusive actually lol. But for an individual these can be mutual exclusive when it comes to their preferences, as in: "I'd rather read books together, than go climbing")

[@matthewneagley2136]

@@KxNOxUTA I mean, she specifically said she was looking at pictures and they all look like the same person. How exactly is she judging their personality from pictures?

[@IshtarNike]

Yeah this is me. When someone says type they almost always mean physical appearance. Like almost exclusively. And often race is at the top of those criteria as well. I don't have a racial type. My physical type is women and feminine people. Probably not into excessive piercings or tattoos. But that's about it.

[@Yash-re3wi]

Because when we DO tell you our type, you get offended.

[@lordlittletoeq8537]

Well what is it? 🙂

[@civicstar982]

I’m two videos in and so far they all start the same way I’m like hey man that’s not true and then I get about halfway through and just feel called out because you are 100% correct and I’m usually doing the bad thing that you talk about men doing and just not realizing it until you said it and the lightbulb turned on and I’m like oh yeah that kind of messed up that relationship or this relationship 😅 Never too late to learn and get better I guess

[@jezebel7411]

Thank you for using the word demure properly. The way young women have been using it has been getting under my skin because it's not associated with strong and empowered women who know what they want. A number of years ago I was casually seeing someone who was seeing someone else. Around the time I started to develop small feelings for him he developed big feelings for her. Now as far as a match goes they were much better suited, but she was also his physical type. When I looked back on his facebook photos and saw his old girlfriends I couldn't figure out why he had expressed interest in me. But I genuinely don't think he realized that he had a type because even in talking about it with him years later he was clueless.

[@Weirdkauz]

All his goes for women, too, btw. If I had held to my standard even though I was being rejected by those types, I would not be a traumatised, broken wreck now, and maybe just happy, instead of deeply glad and grateful, to be single at last. Or maybe even in a loving relationship, who knows.

[@returnoftheromans6726]

Cool. Another dating question to add to my arsenal to weed out the maroon flags.

[@thesunsson8836]

This was eye opening. Thank you, stranger on the internet.

[@cloverfields6339]

Not a man, but this actually gave me a really interesting new perspective on myself. Thanks.

[@chronicallytiredcat1307]

This! Anytime I read a comment about men seemingly having no type I can only roll my eyes. They do have a type, often a very specific one. Now wether that type is what appeals to their authentic preference or if it's a performance for what their peers expect of them is a whole different debate. But if you, like me and many others, oftentimes women of color, divert from the mainstream beauty standard you very much get to witness their type. As someone who isn't white or thin I never have been their type. And they made it very clear.

[@andrewlaurence8274]

I aleays thought "type" referred to physical appearance. By that definition, I don't have one.

[@Jazzmaster1992]

I had the same thought. Whenever this question gets asked it's been about physical attributes only. And even if it wasn't, "having a type" doesn't really serve me. I'd prefer to get to know somebody and see if their overall aggregate of qualities is compatible with me, even if they don't check every last box that I have for a specific "type".

[@cdarklock]

I have been told my entire life that I am not supposed to have a type. That I should judge each and every woman individually on the merits of her personality after I get to know her, without regard to her body or her appearance or indeed anything at all. If you're going to get mad at me for that, well, I have a judgment for you based on that particular personality trait

[@leightonolsson4846]

Your best analysis and commentary yet. Well articulated observations and very astute conclusions.

[@JonObermark]

If you want people to stop normalizing horrible behavior, stop normalizing horrible behavior. NO. I do not answer this question not because I don't want to miss an opportunity. (I don't actually get that opportunity anyway.) Don't *force* transactional behavior and assumptions on me. Consider that there is *extensive shame* induced in overtly expecting real things from prospective sexual partners. Women can open up about this and be honest, and they can even state their income requirements. Every criterion a man genuinely holds is automatically objectification, and we have been beaten over the head with the evilness of objectification. This is a total double-bind created to make sure women can always feel unfairly judged and tell men how evil they are. If you meet the guy who will tell you what he wants, he is one of those guys you don't want.

[@MerlynMusicman]

Readimg through the comments I feel it's worth pointing out that the question "What's your type?" seems overwhelmingly to be interpreted as 'How do you want your partner to look like?' Which has always seemed to me to be a lot shallow and also a little bit racist.

[@tiapina7048]

Unless the person says some horrible about the types they aren't interested into, I think it's just based on personal taste. I can say that I prefer fruit flavoured ice-creams, but it doesn't mean that I hate and want to eliminate all the other ones. We are animals and thinking that we don't consider looks it's not recognising our behaviours.

[@davidtaylor142]

That's just what the question usually means to be fair

[@eatplastic9133]

I don't think that question actually means "what physical characteristics do you prefer in a partner ?" I've seen mostly men and children to perceive it that way. Some women too, but the people I surround myself with now answer with pointing at character traits and belief systems and at the end they might say something about physical appearance, but it doesn't look like it's a big deal.

[@walternelson2687]

What's wrong with different races not wanting to date your race? Would you prefer it if people of Jewish Descent were bred out of existence? A certain funny moustache man wanted something very similar..... I mean, personally I'd like all the colors of the rainbow to continue being a thing rather than a homogenous gray.

[@MerlynMusicman]

Which is why I pointed to the comment section here as my evidence.

[@johnalexir7634]

Some of us have 'multiple types'. A lot of guys (like myself) aren't overly fussy that way, as long as we find the woman attractive. Physically at least, for me it's more about.... features... than 'type'.

[@alexr6114]

I have a physical type, but personalities, character, and value are not necessarily in lockstep with physical types. And personality, character, and value are more important than physical type.

[@bdott1538]

Then say THAT, when asked about your type.

[@42ayla]

They talk about how women expect to be able to make a man into a husband but it's actually the men wanting the women to change into whatever their preference is. They don't have a type because they think we're interchangeable. I have no clue what the movie was but I remember a scene where this guy's fiancee had to pass a test about football before he'd marry her. I think that sums things up.

[@heyna1185]

I feel like you had a lot of interesting and important points in your video but I also keep thinking that some people have a type and just don‘t know it. People aren‘t always aware of the similarities all of their exes share, they might have never really thought about it. Or, because they knew them all so intimately, the differences stand out more and broader patterns are easily missed.

[@MrLeothekingofkings]

Ya know it’s really sucks being a man who genuinely cares and respects women cuz the things I alway consider to be harmless thoughts dramatically change when the conversation of men are generalized. 9/10 I’m telling a girl I don’t have a type because there literally my type and I don’t want to awkwardly tell them that. It’s wild learning that most of the guys who also say this completely see it from a twisted perspective

[@cde3788]

Hopefully, most people say this either because they don't want to admit to a crush or hurt someone's feelings. Another way would be to say, I have some preferences, but it depends on the whole package. So you aren't saying you would do anyone, and you aren't outing yourself as being attracted to or not attracted to the person you are speaking to.

[@haruk2312]

I actually don't care if they have standards or not. I just care that their desperate selves hurt women more than them. Disgusting.

[@ssergium.4520]

Being a straight man is so exhausting. I’m bisexual and I could never relate to straight men. They talked about women as if they were some weird fairies from out of space while I got along with all the women and considered them just as normal as a man.

[@spacegay9309]

They're just so afraid to be single and so desperate for being in a romantic relationship (that's why they can't comprehend women being single by choice and try to use "cat lady" stereotypes as a threat/insult). I get that, because as a teen I too was desperate to date just for the sake dating, and that made us both miserable because we had nothing in common and I didn't like him as a person, I just liked that he performed romance for me.

[@spacegay9309]

for straight men, there's also the point of them not being taught how to take care of themselves in some aspects (cooking, cleaning, caring for their health) and rely on having a woman on their life to act as a mother. that's why divorced straight men statistically remarry so much faster than their ex wives.

[@kyle9637]

The original video was about physical types, and its reasonable to not have a strict physical type or to be open to dating outside it. Pretty disturbing that you are "hesitant" to say most men are not like that rapist in France; I think that says more about the toxic darkness in you than anyone else.

[@sweatergod5386]

Man spotted. Billions must cope

[@JanFWeh]

Thank you. But this channel is targeted at women and he tells them what they want to hear.

[@ianwazowski5607]

@@JanFWehI'm a man and I enjoy his videos, checkmate. What do you have to say now?

[@JanFWeh]

@@ianwazowski5607 that you don't know what *targeted* means.

[@chriscjamison]

Interesting video. I didn't know avoiding to state a type was a bad thing. The women I've liked have been different in some ways, but they shared personality traits that I found endearing. But, I also know avoiding answering the question is a way to hide from expressing a preference which may be problematic or keep me from dating someone who may have a lot of characteristics I do like, but may have other qualities I typically would reject. Food for thought.

[@maxpeterson8616]

The problem with the question about a "type" for me is its vagueness. I have preferences, and I have requirements and there's lots of in between. A petite, slender woman with short hair and glasses will make my heart beat a little faster. But I've in the past fallen madly in love with a buxom, long haired blond without glasses. I won't address the standards issue, as I do have some. Other men are on their own on this.

[@Manugon]

I think you are skipping the main issue which is that men’s “type” is usually mainly about looks, not so much personality. That’s why they lie about not having a type on dates (to avoid looking shallow or offending the girl if she doesn’t fit it) and why their relationships end up turning to shit after the initial attraction wears off.

[@hpoz222]

I think most men do actually have a "type" in terms of personality traits, interests, etc. but are afraid to admit it, even to themselves, because that requires introspection and emotional vulnerability, two things that are beaten out of many men at a young age. I've seen plenty of men who clearly care about their partners or crushes for reasons beyond physical attraction revert right back to talking about how hot and bangable that person is when they're hanging out with The Boys

[@Manugon]

@@hpoz222 Of course men develop feelings and care about their partners, but we are socially conditioned to initially pick partners almost exclusively based on looks, so they are not always our best fit personality-wise. I think you are right that it’s probably cause our emotional vulnerability gets taken from us since we are kids, that’s a very good point. We are very limited when it comes to feeling or expressing how we feel about someone aside from their physical appearance. And obviously I'm making a very general statement, not all men are the same.

[@emelie0990]

I claim not to have a type too. But looking back... yeah its the same guy with minor adjustments 😂

[@guyfromnowhere7991]

I think there’s a huge misunderstanding and it revolves around men pretending to not have a type. I think a lot of men don’t have a type because of lack of experience. Only young men really say they don’t have a type and I gotta say even as a decent looking guy by convention it is hard to get the attention of women I’m interested in. There can be a lot of barriers that make some “types” harder to approach giving the illusion of approaching certain types that are easier to speak with. However, I think most men know you have to meet someone multiple times to really understand what “type” they are. In the first place saying you have a “type” is kind of ridiculous because of how multifaceted even the most “basic” of individuals could be. TLDR trying to counter generalizations with generalizations is big dumb.

[@AlineDreams]

After watching this video, I realized the fact I was turned down by the guys I liked back when I still believed in romance just means I'm way too undesirable, even to those kinds of men Well, good thing I gave up on romance, because it's extra humiliating to be turned down even by the desperate ones, lol

[@bestgrill9647]

Dam thats sad. maybe they werent as desperate as you think... ive rarely met a desperate man. you shouldnt think poorly of yourself. Also, u make utau shit which is very cool xD good ruck

[@sleepycowboy18]

"Men will hit about anything" is such a lie when i get multiple men cussing me that im ugly and undateable. Maybe some men do dont have a type, but mostly they do

[@elbowstrike]

Apparently my type was insecure women who would look at me like I was some kind of catch and say “why would YOU want to be with someone like ME you’re just going to leave me for somebody better” - WHAT

[@JewelGemstones]

When a guy says he has no type, it either means he is fooling around or that his type is basically out of his reach. Meaning: He uses you as the replacement.

[@ahmorgan]

This is true. When do women do this? My guess is when women claim to be trying something new. Yes you're not her type, meaning she's forcing herself to be interested in you. You're the consolation bf who will never truly be appreciated or desired.

[@futurestoryteller]

LOL! This guy reall said "I'm not a misandrist but men have no morals" This guy takes "I like all types of music means you don't like music." Very literally.

[@proton8689]

True I have no standards. As a friendless loser with no social connections, I can't afford to reject anyone. You can say I should die alone in a tiny apartment and I'll fully agree and accept a date or any invite.

[@charliehershberger8803]

Back when I was picky, having standards didn’t lead to me getting into good relationships. When I stopped having standards that didn’t lead to me getting into bad relationships. Throughout my life no matter if I had standards or not I have never had any relationships. I feel like this video just assumes that men can easily get into bad relationships, and it doesn’t require a lot of effort to get into any kind of relationship.

[@farialmab4723]

Excellent explanation. Thank you! Subscribed 🤍

[@MustbeTheBassest]

Wow, what a strange turn this video took. As a man who has had so much trouble answering this question sincerely. It’s because I was truly unaware of myself, and what I wanted. I never sat down and thought about the qualities that were attractive to me. I would see women around me, and most of the time think. “Oh she’s pretty. I like her” and that was that. The idea of a type seemed kinda weird and mostly a "girl thing”. `Oh, you only like jocks? Me, I like all women!` But of course that wasn’t true. I have lots of preferences it turns out. As every man and woman does. Ladies, not all men are manipulative liars and narcissists. Most of us are just never taught to be as introspective and self-aware as women typically are. In most cultures, men are encouraged to stoic and ignore their feelings and inner-thoughts. Like they are defects that need to be overcome.

[@jokhard8137]

Or, how about men might not feel safe sharing that kind of information with a strange woman he doesn't know he can trust? If you articulate your type to a woman, there's a good chance a more insidious type of person would jump at the opportunity to fit that mold on purpose to get you to like her more. And if she feels like she _needs_ to do that, then you might be dating a very dangerous person and handing out that knowledge would be a mistake. Yet here you are, saying men are to blame for being "dishonest". A cherrypicked argument, which is a most dishonest position in of itself.