Mentalizing Romantic Relationship Problems | ANTHONY BATEMAN

[@itsthelittlethings100]

27:18 - "...and that's incredibly common." Thank you for this Note. Thank you for your vulnerability here and for the validation and outline of the process of revealing you both presented in concert. These reframings are like those pebbles too and jumping into a personal experience as a means to demonstrate the process is visceral and deeply informative.

[@Plobia]

Thank you for being open and so vulnerable here. I found this discussion insightful.

[@PabloFlores-hs4wu]

I’ve had this exact issue in my marriage. I’m the “boyfriend” and in all of our attempts to talk about this my wife is just so upset about her side that she does not make room for my side at all. It’s so frustrating because I’d like to come to a resolution but I just can’t when there is a monologue instead of a dialogue

[@mariadinn4441]

I really appreciate your comment here. Without a therapist intervention., how does one assist or instruct their partner to use these techniques in order to improve one’s relationship with someone who has borderline?

[@Oshun412]

Then leave ?

[@PabloFlores-hs4wu]

@@mariadinn4441 I’m glad my comment is relatable to you in some way. What I’ve learned is to be incredibly understanding of why there is a monologue instead of a dialogue. There is often great shame and anticipation of something bad happening, to the point that a person’s emotional resources have been put in to a defensive/offensive position. Even though it is not fair, first acknowledging and accepting what’s happening to the person with BPD is absolutely crucial to moving forward. A failure to do so leaves the person with BPD feeling out of the conversation . The big challenge, in my opinion, is maintaining conditions of engagement both ways (respect, not attacking or demeaning each other) WHILE maintaining acknowledgment of what the person with BPD is experiencing.

[@jjk9o9]

"monologue instead of a dialogue" !! excellent choice of words

[@surfreadjumpsleep]

​@@PabloFlores-hs4wu Do you have an suggestions what to do for a guy that got broken up with because I left town ( second time the same thing happened.) She never told me about her condition, though I have a lot of clues now. she sees a therapist, said she "doesn't do well with distance", made a list of "pros"vs"cons" about me (homework for getting past splitting?), has body image issues as well, talks about being happy & asking me what my idea of happiness is. What is frustrating is that she expected me to just roll with the punches and learn on the job, but if she would have just told me about having BPD I could have gone & studied it and adapted to her behavior much better. She really does not have extreme bpd, i'd say 4 or 5 on a scale to 10. Not understanding her condition, I did exactly the wrong thing: pushing for dialog when she just wanted her part to be heard. calling her out on bad behavior. expecting quick repairs. But mostly.. expecting a long distance thing to work when there was just no chance. So I don't know where to go from here. Last time we talked was me trying desperately to keep us together by desperately challenging her negative beliefs. I said I couldn't get past her "wall". Well I did not realize I was dealing with splitting.​

[@jenmorricone4014]

This was really good. I would like to thank you both and esp. the young lady for her open honesty.

[@bertinii]

Really amazing your channel. It's like having a masterclass with the main specialist in the field for free. Just amazing! Thank you.

[@dkmagos]

Thank you! Very powerful to witness this.

[@mariadinn4441]

Hi Rebbie : your work here is so interesting and I love your documentary on Regina. I’d love to see a doc (or just KZbin videos) on DBT and metallization sessions with borderline patients. Like how you have psychodynamic therapy sessions with Charlotte, for instance. I loved the DBT instructor That was in the documentary. I wanted to see so much more of her working with three clients she had. Anyway, keep up the great work 😊 and thank you!

[@BorderlinerNotes]

We have more on the way, as well with that DBT clinician. Thank you for putting in your 2 cents on what you want to see... always helpful for this sort of feedback. And thank you for visiting our channel as you do and watching the doc!!!! Hoping it feeds you in many ways.... RR

[@Василиса-м1ы]

Congratulations with 100k followers❤

[@comoane]

Your daughter deserves to be protected against someone who gets aggressive like this and against the constant stress of this relationship.

[@Oshun412]

Why is this not acknowledged. . This is toxic to me

[@rosemerrynmcmillan1611]

Vert true.

[@noelephantitis]

Maybe because acknowledging this would lead to an inevitable conclusion--this relationship should end. Which, sadly, might end up being worse for the child. Most people shouldn't have children.

[@miguelmarcos1971]

Yeah, but: Anger is a valid emotion. What is not okay is acting it out, like any emotion. Anger is there to help us maintain boundaries. Wouldn't it be better if she saw the parents have a calm, inclusive discussion where they're BOTH present and seeing the other? He was missing the knowledge that she would be THAT annoyed about his poor time management (which she's kinda projected on her daughter, sneakily). She should also share her feeling of shame relating to losing control of their outward display of conflict. He should be more honest about how him being excluded or bypassed makes him feel, and perhaps deal with that repressed vulnerability and hurt that rage is covering up. They were missing each other completely. Also, you may benefit from taking a look at your relationship with anger. Is it possible you tend to blame others for your dislike of upholding/setting boundaries? That's usually the case with anger repressing people (most of us repress one of: anger, fear or hurt, it's normal, but it's a place for growth). The blame game is lame!

[@productioninquiry8937]

​@@Oshun412 Agreed. Imagine what he does behind closed doors.

[@erich1394]

Hey, I really appreciate your authenticity and vulnerability here - brave shit.

[@moonstrukk126]

This advice is fantastic for healthy whole adults who are mature and are in the relationship to look out for their partners needs as much as their own. These people are clearly not healthy and baiting your partner is shitty. I think her behavior was abusive. His was reactive. i think when someone gets tired of someone and they can't break it off, they do things like this. I believe when someone is passively aggressively tormenting you and when you get pissed off your somehow the monster. How many other instances. If that person who is living with her is smart they'll pack up and leave. When someone asks you to let them know when you're leaving and you allow them to believe you will and then you don't and they react badly who's the person who is at fault? The person who snuck out with excuses. This is so disrespectful. Seriously. Never.

[@amydrew2907]

This is so hard to listen to. Reminds me of a previous relationship I was in for 10 years on and off.

[@luv2dancesalsa465]

I’m seeing this after 10 months and I understand how difficult this is but my hope is this man is no longer in your lives. Choosing a partner that also is a child and is actually jealous of the real child is extremely challenging. The man has Peter Pan syndrome at a minimum. You don’t need to raise him. He CAN make his own breakfast and leave when he’s ready.

[@alizaofbrooklyn]

Omg this was so good

[@lukecarey613]

God, thank you for sharing, this is so helpful to learn.

[@beyourself9162]

…Interesting I guess the host is BPD patient and she did choose a calm slow partner who’s also suffering from abandonment wounds. Reminds me of a Person which never was able to think about the fact that every human is complex, with very unique needs. Astonishing also was that the kids with 2,5 years still get separated from her mother. I thought we did learn that this idea creates the next traumatized generation…. but humans learn very very slooooooow.😮😮😮

[@n.b.189]

Is it too late to receive treatment when you are in your 40's.

[@BorderlinerNotes]

No! Go for it.

[@herbieshine1312]

I was 47/48 when I was diagnosed with BPD.

[@sapphasea]

A good question, and something I've wondered as well as the years wear on. I have encountered the idea that Transference Focused Therapy prefers people under 35, but if you can find someone who is Willing to treat you, and you are still able to form that attachment / vulnerable dependency on the provider, I don't see why it shouldn't work. Although, to be fair, it is challenging to look upon a clinician who is significantly younger than you as a credible "parental" / Emotional authority figure.

[@eileenwalsh6048]

Her husband sounds quite narcissistic

[@comoane]

Very problematic

[@sapphasea]

Borderlines and Narcissists go together like yin and yang. Really, Electra and Oedipus are better terms for conceptualizing the dynamics. But I would argue that *This* scenario looks like the woman as codependent and the man as Dependent, which is really Not the Right Relationship (depending on what she is trying to get out of it, I suppose). The Tantric / "Twin Flame" relationship reflects the MAN as the codependent and the woman as the Dependent. You know, where HE holds contempt for Her emotional neediness / self-centeredness / aloofness rather than the other way around. Because *That* man, uniquely, in IN LOVE with the woman he resents. Whereas, the overtly Dependent man is merely in love with the services the codependent woman is providing him, rather than the Actual Soul of Her. Rather than Who She Truly Is. As Kurt Cobain said, by and by, it is Better to be Hated for Who You Are, Than loved, for who you are Not.

[@Oshun412]

He's got issues why is she with him ? Beat about the bush too much

[@lodz8666]

mentalization did not work for me. i prefered dbt

[@JoshuaAHolmes]

❤

[@darrylperkins7342]

🎊 *promosm*

[@65andSpry]

I love your work. Filming, interviewing has helped me. You are longing for a man that will FOLLOW THROUGH. This is a problem with many men. You need someone that effort feels good to them.

[@SevenRavens007]

What’s going on in the relationship here with the client hiding behind a camera? Betty Joseph’s total situation comes to mind. Step 1: get her out from behind the camera.

[@BorderlinerNotes]

I am the filmmaker and the person operating the camera so that I can make these videos. Otherwise, I am paying people to operate the camera and in order for us to provide you this material, we need to be budget conscious. Simple as that.

[@SevenRavens007]

@@BorderlinerNotes I respect both of us too much than to make further observations. Instead, two comments should suffice. Firstly, thank you for the very helpful videos. Secondly, nothing is ever ‘As simple as that.”

[@JDCullum]

@@SevenRavens007”Nothing is ever ‘as simple as that.’” An insight worth remembering.

[@christinarrukaj2016]

As someone with npd this showed me that people with bpd are not as caring as they make out !

[@katkatkatkat463]

what

[@sapphasea]

Of course they aren't. These are just different flavors, or approaches, of expressing the same fundamental need for external regulation, and inherent prioritization of getting those psychological survival needs met at all costs. Furthermore, I believe the filmmaker expressed awareness and consideration of her own narcissistic traits, in addition to or co-morbid with the primary BPD diagnosis.

[@suzzy1790]

I couldn't live with her..😮 neurotic comes to mind! ❤ from Australia 🇦🇺

[@MarkoKraguljac]

I can barely watch it on the screen.

[@marksteer8642]

Was going to listen to this so called mother who is so career driven , she dumps her two year old daughter at a detention centre in order to persue her own ego driven career .......I don't want to listen to anything this self centred cold blooded alleged human she pretends to be . Your child should be fostered to a loving and protective family . Shame .

[@sarajanewebster5321]

Do you believe this of all women who work, or just her? Why?

[@marksteer8642]

@@sarajanewebster5321 No.... Just the immature narcissistic female who thinks the world owes her a favor , blinded by self centeredness , she abandons marriage and family for ...whatever . It's a common problem though Everybody can see , except for her .