Milton Jones' BEST One Liners | Stand-Up Spotlight Compilation | Jokes On Us

[@USERID412-k7n]

I can enjoy hearing the same jokes from Milton at least as many times as his number of grandfathers.

[@lisamccarthy6969]

Me too...😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@AnneDowson-vp8lg]

How many grandfather's does he have? I've tried to work it out, but I soon lost count.

[@USERID412-k7n]

@@AnneDowson-vp8lg The longer he keeps performing, the more new grandfathers he will describe. No other limit on the number that may yet emerge. Thankfully.

[@JK-ox8vn]

My other grandfather disagrees

[@johntupmam4078]

​@@USERID412-k7n😊

[@comedyfish]

I first saw Milton at the comedy store like 30 years ago - he did that lard downhill joke and I’ve never forgotten it. One of the most amazing jokes I’ve ever heard even now.

[@jfern1969]

Yes, that's the one joke I can never forget 😊

[@ghomerhust]

ive seen some of his open stand-up, and he weaves his one liners into a full blown story. milton is a brilliant comic!!

[@j.477]

,,, g0tcha ...

[@universalfleece]

That downhill pretty quickly joke is one of the greatest ever 👌👌🤣🤣

[@daevanpatel4207]

Milton is the only comedian who is worth this comment hats off hands down he always makes me laugh . Thank you Milton Jones 😂😂

[@Music-oi2nf]

Nah, he’s third rate at best

[@christopherflux6254]

I’m not saying that comedy shouldn’t ever be offensive or make sexual references; but the fact that Milton Jones can be genuinely funny without being crude or offensive shows how talented he is.

[@Secretname951]

He’s a good Christian

[@jayeee2756]

The nuns of the world love his stuff.

[@barryvyner1161]

There's amusing, there's funny, there's hilarious and then, several thousand feet above all of that is Milton Jones. Genius.

[@ordinarybear7037]

If you latin-ise it you willl see more in what is SAID !! Regards good One & All

[@davidscott1052]

Don't forget the other one liner king ..Gary Delaney

[@ferise1]

Not funny

[@tom.tom501]

​@@ordinarybear70370😊❤

[@mylovesongs2429]

​@@ordinarybear7037iloilo olOhio 3:15 >

[@goldenagenut]

He has you laughing before telling the first joke, and the laughter doesn't stop! 😂

[@brucemoose9587]

cuz he comes out like robin williams, scruffy hair and strange clothes

[@Blind-Ghost-1980]

His presence is just spectacular. Love him.

[@johnwickenden5643]

Best comedian I've ever heard, brilliant delivery, incredible jokes, and I like the fact they're clean. Well done ! Much appreciated.

[@ivaneames4354]

I don't think any of his jokes will ever beat the absolute gem he did in one of the 'Scenes We'd Like to See': "This dish is so simple anyone can make it. You can't, Beatrice. Sorry, you can't beat rice!" Classic.

[@AngelicusImmortus]

There is an outtake where Dara has lost his earpiece and makes a comment about getting old he thought he was getting deaf Milton says "you'll be losing your hair next" and Dara misses it but it gives Hugh the giggles.

[@pwuk]

They're all good, my favourite is "ABBAs greatest hits", something like unusual Christmas gifts .

[@deborahjanes3706]

Or the one about growing up with hyenas "it wasn't easy... but we had a lot of laughs" 😅

[@Master_Petes_Theater]

Or, to the topic of "Things You Wouldn't Hear at the Vet: "Welcome to the bakery!"

[@Music-oi2nf]

About as funny as getting chilli in your eye.

[@gordonmcmillan4709]

"Downhill very quickly" is one of the cleverest things I've ever heard.

[@universalfleece]

LOL..I just made this comment and then found your comment 👌🤣 His greatest ever gag is his hangman joke in Lion Whisperer

[@gordonmcmillan4709]

@@universalfleece Ta, I'll go have a look.

[@tomharrison1849]

I think you need to get out more.

[@David-hq4lq]

​@@tomharrison1849 Iwas just about to type your exact words !

[@LaraTang]

Lee Mack had a similar joke. My friend left our skiing trip early in an ambulance. You know when youre doing alright but you to hospital and then you go downhill very quickly? It was a bit like that but in reverse

[@juancardona9440]

The topic is safety….brilliant! 😂 I’m in the U.S. and never heard of Milton Jones before. He has the face of Al Bundy and the wit of Robin Williams. Absolutely genius!

[@bl3df0rdays]

Yes, he does have an Al Bundy look about him.

[@NiToNi2002]

Inspired by the great Steven Wright 😉

[@loridancer9378]

I like that the other comedians seem to relax a bit and just enjoy the heck out of Milton; he's like a treat for them 😊 🎉

[@stephenwoehr6500]

He's showing the young kids how it's done. And I love it when Hugh Dennis can't hold back his laughter.

[@bensheekey1399]

Love his deadpan delivery. The king of dad jokes

[@MrDaiseymay]

I always felt sorry for the other's, standing there trying not to grit their teeth.

[@KAF128]

​@@MrDaiseymay actually, I've heard them say that Milton's material causes most delays in filming because the others can't stop laughing

[@CasaErwin]

When I first read this comment I thought it said "The king of bad jokes."

[@movarvo1217]

My 15 Yr old daughter does not concur....today's youth ehh..

[@biggusdickus5986]

​@@CasaErwinShould have gone to Specsavers, they do deaf aids as well now, thats true by the way.

[@EponaDreams-AmbientDreamscapes]

Saw Milton at a comedy club around 10 years ago, and this joke cracked me up... After 9 days of walking to Torquay with my 7 year old nephew I suddenly realised that what he really wanted for his birthday was a walkie-talkie

[@remaincalm2]

Milton is best watched on KZbin because if you're not laughing after hearing a punchline you can keep rewinding by 5 seconds until the penny drops. The issue is usually with the user, not the equipment. 😂 I love this guy's humour, clever play on words and imagination. It's still true that you don't need vulgarity or profanity to make people belly laugh.

[@jamndunk]

My friend nicked my fiver... thank you that usually doesn't work... don't get it!

[@BeaCuffe]

​@@jamndunkit was a joke earlier in the show, I think it might have been Sean

[@gkm3838]

What a funny guy. I've never seen him before. Probably because I'm blind.

[@AnneDowson-vp8lg]

That's exactly his sense of humour.

[@zorankp]

You should see someone about that mate.

[@adreenal]

Christ! I didn’t see that one coming!

[@biggusdickus5986]

I think you're bluffing about being blind,... Geddit ? Blindmans Bluff ah c'mon 😂

[@lorenanders702]

I see what you mean!

[@jmcallion2071]

A great comedian who can do comedy without crude language!

[@biggusdickus5986]

Yep very hard to do nowadays.

[@MartinThomas-m1g]

Fuck! You're right!

[@ShakilAhmed-qd3vc]

I have watched this numerous times, this guy is superb, straight faced! Mr Milton you are one of a kind,keep it up! Bless you and your Entire Family and All the One's from The Auctioneering Background, Over there,there,!

[@hawkpaul8735]

A comedy genius. He makes it look so easy.

[@Showmetheevidence-]

I think his “my other grandfather” routine is one of his best 😂

[@jestermoon]

His other grandfather?

[@davidranson3797]

Didn't you know, Milton has 18 grandfathers

[@johnsutherland6808]

I love this guy, he could read the phone book and have me in tears, in fact I'm half pished and half way there, so talented, pure dead, brilliant

[@waynecarter2169]

The joke about his family of Jeans not getting into the nightclub was brilliant. I love the fact that he paused and let the audience assume that they knew the punchline, thinking it was going to "sorry, no jeans" and then he switched it up to "you're all wearing trainers" 😆😆😆

[@hennersss]

Yeja it's a very old technique, but a good one

[@Music-oi2nf]

@@hennersss as old as human language. Nothing Jones ever says is original.

[@hennersss]

@@Music-oi2nf I disagree strongly.

[@Music-oi2nf]

@@hennersss he’s hardly the first one liner comedian using puns, is he? The silly hair and Hawaiian shirts don’t make him any funnier either.

[@jonny5352]

Saw Milton a few years ago and he did a joke for a guy at the front in a wheelchair, he said did you hear about that pub that's only for people in wheelchairs? It's called the over developed arms lol.

[@juskahusk2247]

His grandfather was a G.I. and in the RAF and was a submariner. After the war he opened a pub called The Combined Arms.

[@cryptogcrypto]

The guy thought it was wheelie good

[@juskahusk2247]

Did you hear about the pub with no chairs? It's called the Stand and De-Liver.

[@tompage6421]

Just like Tommy Cooper. Gets a laugh before he opens his mouth. Class. 👍🇬🇧

[@derekday4832]

Tommy Cooper. Now there's a funny man who never corpsed on stage.

[@biggusdickus5986]

​@@derekday4832he missed his last curtain call 😂

[@Burnersforvanlife]

Compared to Tommy this guy is funny, but not as funny.

[@elizabethmcloughlin1984]

At least Tommy cooper was funny. Milton Jones? My radio gets switched off as soon as he comes on. So boring.

[@nonesterj8152]

Oh dear, I have a really bad cough and I shouldn’t have watched this. I’ve coughed so hard I can’t swallow. So funny 😂

[@catherinewilliams3850]

Your not alone, just lauhged myself to an asthma attack😂

[@steveelliott5643]

you ve bin married too long,thats all love

[@JK-ox8vn]

Always gets a laugh simply for walking to the microphone. Because punters know he's funny.

[@Sequekhan]

Could also be the wild static hair style and stare combo

[@dabedwards]

The master of the dry left field gag. When I saw him in Glasgow, he apologised that he had not had time to change because he had only just arrived from the train station. He was wearing a magician's cloak and a turban with a large ostrich feather.

[@nicholasturton9267]

One of his best jokes for me is the one where he took his wife to an orchard for her birthday only to find out what she really wanted was an apple watch

[@oliverknowles4217]

18:10

[@FrankFurther]

37:00

[@mariocurtis2208]

Every other comedian gives Milton total respect, because his humour is just so funny. For me I am imagining the 'set up' actually happening - hide and seek in the oven! 😂

[@ianstewart6021]

I love the reactions of the other comedians laughing. What a class act!

[@RichardRhodes-r5q]

You are a comedic genius. Wonderful. Thank you for making me chuckle

[@Golo1949]

Believe it i have never heard of this guy, he is BRILLIANT. Definitely be looking out for him in the future.

[@Hereford1642]

Go searching for his radio series as broadcast on radio 4.

[@diannebrook7183]

I'm currently listening to his podcast series 😅😅😅

[@tanyablakelock9361]

Seeing him live tonight for the second time

[@mattdl1983]

Every time he steps up, the audience are giggling in anticipation and he never fails to deliver.

[@Scribble336]

Taped laughter.😂

[@worstuserever]

​@@Scribble336Not true, live audience right there in the studio.

[@Scribble336]

@@worstuserever I get that but nearly all TV shows have taped laughter even with audiences.

[@edopronk1303]

​@@Scribble336that would be interesting why they only do it for Milton. I know about QI that Jimmy Car said that the audience there laughed so much that people at home think it's a laugh track but it isn't. Life audience laughs more than homeviewers would expect.

[@astrecks]

@@Scribble336 British audiences don't need prompting with taped laughter! That's a US thing.

[@leonboois5414]

I have no idea how this clip appeared in my video feed, but I have been enjoying it since this morning before going off to work! What a serendipitous find! My favourite was the mother telling the kids that a train was coming. On a different note, where did he buy all those psychedelic outfits of the hippie and disco eras?

[@danielblaxill7649]

You know you have it when the crowd laughs before you even open your mouth. Pure genius

[@Ron-d2s]

Said the light house keeper.

[@aaronpincus6095]

Milton's 'Call Back' to other comics jokes is hilarious. They don't show them here but we all know them. "Goes Strawberry' is my favorite.

[@ThatCoalSoul]

They're more 'quick-time~references' and you're not the flavour of the comedy night if you do them ...I speak from particular experience.

[@ghomerhust]

watched an Apollo special of his, laughed for 20 minutes straight. he tied his one liners together with silken thread, and then unleashed it on the audience. absolutely brilliant. to the people who don't get his comedy, it's more layers deep than you can comprehend.

[@seanhuxter6724]

“My uncle worked at the security desk at the o2 arena…”

[@aemelnick]

"Thanks. That doesn't normally work."

[@TonyLee-r6k]

Russel Howard looks on thinking I could never be this funny … and Russell you are correct

[@johnh1252]

Miaow

[@TheSiameseDreamer]

The only thing funny about him are his teeth

[@sandragrosvenor9665]

Nah! Love him too! Down to earth and Honesty!

[@cutice]

Russel is insufferable

[@ianhowlett4682]

6:56 Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels is my all-time favourite joke!

[@michaelhawthorne8696]

Old school comedy but no bad language..... great to hear....👌

[@derekwoods4026]

I think his PE teacher bit had a hidden joke. He says, "being a PE teacher," then proceeds to grunt like an A PE.

[@Bigkevy1970]

Love Milton Jones. Absolute genius!!

[@AtomicTetragon]

Imagine getting your first opportunity to do the standup challenge and your opponent is Milton Jones...

[@craigfowler7098]

The hosepipe ban hit us hard - lol

[@ridefast0]

Milton Jones and Tim Vine would make a great show!

[@heli-crewhgs5285]

My two favourite comedians.

[@Anglomachian]

The genius of Milton is all in the delivery.

[@jestermoon]

35:45 💯 😂

[@shanefoy3720]

His face helps, too 😂😂

[@pdrg]

Honestly I think most of it is in the material - a trove of great one-liners

[@ordinarybear7037]

No its the complete package.....

[@sidscrote7570]

Bit like our milkman,..................

[@gullybull-rx2ng]

I DONT KNOW HOW HIS BRAIN WORKS BUT ITS GENIUS

[@CaptainSpock1701]

I can remember every single joke that he tells in this video... as he is busy telling them... Then it's gone! How he remembers all at the drop of a hat is beyond me!

[@coolcat6103]

Lmao he doesn’t!! It’s all scripted, everything is weeks in advance and he has tons of co writers…..how people think this live off the top of his head is beyond me

[@tomharrison1849]

Rubbish ​@@coolcat6103

[@biggusdickus5986]

​@@coolcat6103Think you missed his point, he still has to remember them on the day, besides which I've seen him in Wales and he improvised all night. I think you're just projecting. 😅

[@coolcat6103]

@@biggusdickus5986 projecting what?

[@TheTruthKiwi]

Love his bonkers and quirky comedy that is also endearingly wholesome.

[@catherinewilliams3850]

The amazing mind of Milton, love this guy he's so quick with these one, liners on' 'Mock the week'.

[@OldMod67]

Never watched Mock The Week. This guy's one liners are amazing!

[@matthewmason3316]

Just come across this. It's absolutely brilliant. Very clever and very funny. Not rude and no swearing , how rare is that. Proves a point, though, doesn't it!!!

[@kevinmothers904]

He's a practising Christian and doesn't need to be potty mouthed to have people in hysterics.

[@ryanhenro7649]

Never gets old 😂...brilliant stuff !!

[@AngelicusImmortus]

i love how he makes Ed Gamble both panic & break in the prat fall for "safety"

[@AngelicusImmortus]

Love the P.E. teacher gag, particularly as my P.E. tutor was also a Geography tutor.

[@newforestpixie5297]

so was our schools’ girls’ - Miss Mennie . i saw her after 30 years & she hadn’t changed. ( that’s a joke possibly but she wasn’t smelly…) 🙄

[@scottlarocca]

25:54 Milton's response to "Safety" is priceless 😂

[@DavidMartin-gx8yl]

Undoubtedly one of the best one liners comedians of all time. 😂👍

[@rootytuners]

The “O2 security guard” gag doesn’t make sense without the rest of the show.

[@ghomerhust]

his real gift is those long running gags. his actual shows will tie early jokes to the later ones in very clever ways. he's one of the best one-liner comedians out there. absolutely brilliant.

[@Mayaman67]

That's why I didn't get it

[@liamrowbotham2069]

This guy is so clever and downright hilarious hes like our generation of tommy cooper him and tim vine are unique

[@jswaggart01]

Milton is my hero. He’s a funny guy but I really like his fashion choices.

[@keefsmiff]

it's the lard gag that gets me every time pmsl

[@crystalclearUK111]

My favourite British comedian, looking forward to seeing him on tour in October

[@Master_Petes_Theater]

Is he back to touring? You're lucky! Enjoy yourself!

[@jennifermcateer1689]

I saw him last month, left the place with a sore stomach as I was laughing so much 😂

[@rxb364]

That was a great compilation of videos! ❤

[@chrisofnottingham]

The sign of a good comedian is when people start laughing and he hasn't even started :-)

[@1710brett]

I love Milton jones he's hilarious

[@michaeldillon3113]

I would love to see Milton in conversation with Tim Vine 🙂.A one liner off ! Surreal to say the least 😅.

[@AndrewCharnley]

Non stop and continuous sheer entertainment. A very tilted fellow with a mind that could be many things in this world but he decided to take the hard road. BRILLIANT... thanks...

[@harri2626]

Truly brilliant, and not one swear word.

[@streetsoundselectro124]

How's your lucky pencil case now then! Still makes me laugh

[@Jeff_Vader]

After a show in Liverpool, a bloke approached Milton and said "Eh listen, I wanna talk" to which Milton replied, "Well keep practising". That is by far my favourite joke, seeing as I live near-ish to Liverpool but far enough away so that I can speak properly, there is always banter when I meet a scouser.

[@rickyclarkson]

Ah, Liverpool, where the.. AA was founded. A town that'll steal your heart, wallet and phone.

[@Jeff_Vader]

@@rickyclarkson Aw right, calm down, calm down.

[@soullessbunny666]

He doesn't even have to say anything and I'm laughing!

[@INKI_teh_Rogue]

I love how everyone always focuses in for Milton 🤣🤣🤣

[@jimgilmore7391]

Truly brilliant. A genius of stand up!

[@tomellis4750]

Lovely to see the other comedians appreciate a master at work.

[@briannewman9285]

His effortless humor reminds me of Robin Williams when RW wasn’t snorting coke.

[@briseboy]

Mitch Hedberg had a mind along the lines of Milton, but, alas did not progress in his pilgrimage to this paradise the latter inhabits.

[@smithasureshholisticnutrit6287]

Thanks for this...golden!!!

[@NaomiCook-vs2gl]

This was one of the best stand-up routines I've seen in a while! Keep it up!

[@malcolmclarke3033]

The man is a genius with words and expressions.

[@MATT-xv4bh]

Me wife and I nearly cacked ourselves laughing last night.

[@m.brizzy5407]

It's a pity that Milton's delivery cannot be transferred to British rail, then all the trains would have perfect timing.

[@brianvaughan2312]

He was Bob monkhouses favourite. That's saying something.. 😂😂

[@zilefn9212]

Milton is simply brilliant. His timing, his look, his accents ... just fantastic.

[@kennyhagan5781]

This man is pure gold. He's part Jim Ignatowski, part Shakespeare, and I suspect that his wardrobe is going to be in a museum one day. He is truly funny.

[@RE7Hazuki]

My fave joke I tell people all the time is the lad on grandfathers back - going down hill quickly 😂

[@truerosie]

Lard mate, lard.

[@RE7Hazuki]

@@truerosie yes. Damned fat fingers.

[@deborahjanes3706]

Nah mate, more fun with lad 😂​@truerosie

[@grahambunton377]

Milton is a true comedian - one who makes you LAUGH. As opposed to just turning up like Nish Kumar [of Lords Taverners fame], Greg Davies, etc.

[@gelandres]

I love that people start laughing before Milton Jones begins telling jokes. He looks funny and we already know he will be funny.

[@RobertKetteringham]

He is a good funny man i like his One liners absolutely fantastic 😊

[@257ian]

Milton is brilliant 😂

[@gumusluk05]

I once fell asleep on a train ! The bride was furious 😵‍💫

[@Plateaudweller]

Milton is awesome. So deep.

[@thomasbrown7845]

And clean. Proves you don't need vulgarity or nastiness.

[@stephenfennell]

Yep, absolutely true. I've always noticed that with him.

[@AnneDowson-vp8lg]

This is so true. Never swears. Him and Bill Bailey are about the only ones who don't.

[@peterrhodes9209]

Tim Vine

[@chrispetersen3151]

Fuck that bullshit.

[@gwauk205]

It’s fu@king hilarious isn’t it…

[@chockydog6960]

I hope I never get tired of watching this

[@TJW-t6f]

Always really funny in a very obscure way. Love it. 😂

[@disposablehero4911]

That SAS question joke is so dang smart...and funny.

[@derektoms8296]

I was at a disco in Tehran and all the women were dancing around their handbags singing Iranian men, hallelujah! BRILLIANT

[@michaeledwards2333]

Seen Milton at the MICF a few years ago, laughed for the entire show, like when watching these videos

[@paulnewman2000]

9:47 Milton is back referencing a story told earlier by Carl, when he tried to get a stool sample through the bag check at the O2 arena.

[@თemo]

Legend.

[@thisisanfield7085]

Great improviser not just a great comedian. Legend

[@JamesLaPage]

They call these "one-liners." They are actually paraprosdokians. My absolute favourite! Milton Jones is a master!

[@patconnor9529]

ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE COMIC.👏👏👏👏👏👏