Mom BANS Autistic kid from Birthday Party?! r/AmITheA**hole

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Autistic & ADHD person responds to autism-related AITA conundrums. Let me know your verdicts!
💛 WATCH NEXT 💛:
Can she Skip the Line Because of her ADHD?? | r/AITA:
• Can she Skip the Line ...
I Hid my Daughter's Autism Diagnosis for YEARS | r/AITA:
• I Hid my Daughter's Au...
00:00 AITA for excluding ONLY the autistic kid
08:00 Redditors speak
11:05 AITA for Ordering Nachos (aka My Autistic BIL is a CREEP)
19:35 NACHO problem
23:54 AITA for “weaponizing my autism”?
📖 *Books I'd Recommend about Autism:
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg
Different not Less by Chloe Hayden (read if you want to cry):
amzn.to/40fKx2m
Unmasking Autism by Devon Price:
amzn.to/3LhMV3j
Sources:
AITA for inviting my sons entire class except for one child because of his autism?:
/ aita_for_inviting_my_s...
AITA for ordering nachos even though it “deeply offended and set off” my brother in law’s autism and sensory issues?:
/ aita_for_ordering_nach...
Is the Most Common Therapy for Autism Cruel?
www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...
Autistic Meltdowns & Shutdowns:
embrace-autism.com/meltdowns-...
DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
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[@imautisticnowwhat]

Hope you’ve had a great week! 💛 What do you think of these? I feel like we’re missing a lot of information about the 2nd one and it’s not exactly an unbiased source! Let me know if you like these AITA videos… and if you see any interesting ones related to neurodivergence, feel free to send them my way! If you’d like to see more of these… The one where she ‘weaponises’ her autism: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e4bHaGWebZipers The one where her parents hid her autism diagnosis from her for years while she endured bullying: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nqLdoZx9na96jNE

[@kingrix]

I just want to let you know I love your content, Meg. I was recently diagnosed and have been going down a bit of an ASD KZbin rabbit hole, and your content has resonated with me the most and I am really grateful for it. Nothing against other ASD creators, but your channel is my favorite.

[@daveanderson8776]

❤

[@jonaskoelker]

> What do you think of these? The first one is clearly the asshole. > I feel like we’re missing a lot of information about the 2nd one and it’s not exactly an unbiased source! As the poster admits but doesn't spell out in detail: definitely asshole for "creep" and "ridiculous". Also, the wife said she _tried_ to tell him and he said "no you didn't tell me, you pussyfooted around". He is failing to respond to her claim (as he recites it) that she _tried_ to tell him. He should respond to that, for example with "you failed to actually tell me, thanks to pussyfooting too much". The wife is also the asshole: demanding that he infer BIL's problems with crisp sounds simply from the fact that they didn't have any crisps around. Could be they just don't like crisps. I'm more of a liquorice person myself. Everyone needs to communicate more. > we really haven't spoken They don't strike me as the communicative and talking kind of couple, really. On to the actual question: was he the asshole for ordering nachos? Only if he knew it would bother the BIL or if he had been clearly requested not to. I lean towards no, but we don't have enough information.

[@DonMachado]

I agree that the nacho guy was an unreliable narrator. He didn't even try to hide that fact. I think he was wrong to "have a meltdown" over his order. It sounds to me like he was the one that had the meltdown in the restaurant, enough so that his in-laws walked out. A conversation needs to be had, but in the middle of a busy restaurant is not the place to do it. So, I think he's at least partially the asshole for dismissing his BIL out of hand.

[@gabrielbruce1977]

First one: yeah she's the a-hole. It really would not have been that difficult to contact the kid's mum and talk about the venue, and make plans with her to help the kid cope with the noise/lights/etc. A pair of headphones or flare earplugs would have been a good start and would only affect the one wearing them. (Also, having been that kid, being the only one not invited/not having people show up to your party is the kind of thing you remember into adulthood, and it's a foot in the door of the other kids excluding him from other things where the parents aren't involved at all. It's a terrible lesson.) Second one: I feel like we need to remind NTs how communication works. Genuinely. Because if you, an allistic, can't read between the lines of "are you sure? I think [non-nacho] item looks better" or even something as outright as "please order something else", that's a lack of clear communication. Nice to see enough self-awareness to know that his own outburst was rude, though, that's rare. Maybe more importantly, it reads like the way his FIL and MIL have been handling the situation is just avoiding sensory triggers and/or upsetting behaviour altogether, moulding their lives around this BIL and expecting him to never adjust his own behaviour. That's how you raise an absolute menace of a person, autistic or not. There was an unspoken expectation everyone would just accommodate and behave a specific way around this guy and that's probably the actual crux of the situation.

[@hydreigonite3439]

Not being invited to something because people assume you wouldn't be interested is a terrible feeling already, but I can't help but think the mom just didn't want david there in case he'd "make a scene". Gross

[@dmgroberts5471]

If I knew that _everyone_ in my class had been invited _except_ for me - and let's be honest, these are 10-year-olds, _everyone_ knows - I would feel _very_ hurt and excluded. There is no way I wouldn't stew on that for months before randomly boiling over and unsubtly referencing it at some point.

[@camellia8625]

If they truly believed that they would have invited him out of courtesy. It should be up to the autistic child whether or not they want to go to somewhere that may not necessarily be autism friendly.

[@desireesmith862]

@@dmgroberts5471hings like this happened to me as a child and it hurt so much. I am not diagnosed autistic so it wasn’t because of that. It was simply that the people who did that to me were rude and thought I was “weird” or “didn’t belong” with them.

[@BoojeeRedneck]

“It’s just easier not to invite the poor, sad autistic kid” is what she was thinking and that’s disgusting and narcissistic

[@BoojeeRedneck]

@@user-ym9uy4km3v you’re *_right!_* it _is_ her *_right_* to be a jerk and add to a *child’s* immense daily, life long struggles such as _rejection sensitive dysphoria_ from being constantly rejected by society in this exact manner - just as it is _my _*_right_* to tell you that your lack of empathy is utterly disturbing. Instead of taking for granted the fact that you won’t ever know what it’s like to struggle the way we who are not neurotypical do - in a world created for brains like yours to the emotional and physical detriment of brains like ours, maybe, oh… I dunno… consider caring about other people? Is practicing empathy, compassion and gratefulness just too difficult for people such as yourself to be bothered to do or are you just so jaded that you resent other human beings who struggle in ways you just don’t care to imagine? Please enlighten me because I’ve tried, really I have, but I simply cannot empathize with your shameless lack of empathy. It boggles the mind. Homo sapiens would not still roam roam this earth if as much of the population thought this way. We are social creatures who are also among the least efficient of all of the animals and, therefore, we were the _least like to succeed_ and would have gone the way of our Neanderthal cousins had we not possessed empathy and cared for those in our society who needed extra help such as the disabled among us. There is archaeological evidence that our ancient hominid ancestors cared deeply for those who could not physically contribute to the survival of our species because of unconditional love and empathy for those in our own tribes. So I’m very curious about and astonished by the prevalence of narcissism in our modern society.

[@itisthefish]

What's with this subreddit and wanting to hurt/traumatise autistic kids 💀

[@angelicana9065]

Welcome to American public school

[@UsenameTakenWasTaken]

Welcome to the US, where the mentally ill are used as scapegoats for all of society's problems by the politicians actually causing the problems. Please enjoy being gunned down because you tried to run away during a meltdown.

[@MarekLiska310]

welcome to any part of the world as of this damn age - american canadian european or asian it matters not

[@imautisticnowwhat]

An unfortunate theme so far 🙃

[@itisthefish]

@angelicana9065 Good thing I'm british (it is still bad but not as bad as American schools)

[@zalba5710]

Also the fact that the mom didn’t let their child decide who they would like to be invited.

[@imautisticnowwhat]

True!

[@SevenTheMisgiven]

Right? My mom literally let me choose by myself starting from 2nd grade. Pretty strange behaviour in general.

[@SpencerLemay]

I remember in school party invitations were banned unless they were going to invite everyone. I can quite easily see children being quite cliquey at that age and excluding people.

[@Alejandro-eq7xq]

That's your typical controlling parent behaviour

[@glitterboxx19]

That's so sad like what if the boy wanted to invite the autistic kid , but he couldn't because of his mom

[@megan-mr9vk]

i’m sure david’s mom would’ve loved to have a real conversation about attending a birthday party. how long ago was the “meltdown” at the last party? i know plenty of children, autistic or not, would have a hard time with watching another kid open presents.

[@megan-mr9vk]

i think we just assume that parents are already accepting, understanding, and mature. they’re not by default, clearly #1 is a prime example of that.

[@imautisticnowwhat]

@@megan-mr9vktrue!

[@imautisticnowwhat]

And also very true about watching another child opening presents!!

[@CraftyVegan]

@@imautisticnowwhatI’m a grown adult and I still feel a twinge of jealousy watching other people opening their own presents 😂

[@cookie856]

@@CraftyVegan Heck, I have a twin and we opened our presents at the same time when we were kids and I was still jealous XD

[@TheCerealluvr]

We had a rule in my elementary school that you can either invite 5 kids from the class to the party or the whole class. I think it was a great rule, looking back.

[@jimwilliams3816]

And THAT'S the key to "free association!" It's okay to hang out with a few friends and not have to include everyone, but you really ought not make one poor kid your -1.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

I don't recall us having any such rule. But, I also don't recall ever having seen people handing out invitations in class. Apart from a very small circle of friends that pretty much evaporated within a couple of years, I only remember being invited to one party. It's just now that I realize that this is probably odd. There were presumably a lot of parties going on, but it doesn't really bother me, as I wasn't really friends with any of them and nobody was rubbing it in my face that they got invited and I didn't. I don't remember if we had a specific rule that everybody had to get a valentine from you or you couldn't hand any out. But, I did give them to everybody and I got plenty of them, so either it was a rule, or it was a convention that pretty much everybody observed. I definitely get the feels for kids that sit there getting no cards when everybody else does. That just sucks.

[@TheCerealluvr]

@@jimwilliams3816 exactly!

[@tddinhlv]

Disgusting rule. Freedom isn't allowed anymore

[@MeemahSN]

@@SmallSpoonBrigade Do kids actually hand out Valentines? Is that really a thing, because I’ve never seen that before. No one ever handed out Valentines, and neither did I.

[@turbothechicken3813]

I think it was David's mom's choice if David should or not. The fact that all the parents are gossiping about this one party clearly shows this is not something David does at every party he goes to. Any child could have a problem at a party. Not only autistic children have meltdowns because they also want presents, something is not as they want it, etc. This is something any child could struggle with. Instead of linking David having a tough time at his last party to an infinite peice of David, the mom should have thought, " David had a hard time at the last party. I will incite David, if his mom thinks he can go, he can go. I cannot determine the abilities and struggles of this random autistic child better than his own mom can"

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Yep, probably. I don't want to read too much into this, but it is a private school and the mother probably did make the decision. It does kind of remind me of the mother of one of my friends that wanted her son to hang out with the neighbor rather than me. About 20 years later I randomly saw her at a coffee shop and she apologized. The last time I remember seeing him, he was one of the homeschoolers that was wearing nail polish and dresses, but not because he's trans, it was a thing for a while for boys to wear dresses as an act of rebellion. He eventually moved to Africa and got married there. I think the lesson there is to realize that we can be weird AF from the neurotypical point of view, but we do also tend to be a bit of a grounding influence as well, because that sort of stuff is something that we tend to want explained. Or, not in the slightest bit, we' also tend to be more wiling to accept this stuff at face value as well.

[@RamonaGelosi]

Also maybe the kid's mom (the birthday boy) wanted David there...I didn't read that she asked his son who wanted there (what if he didn't want the whole class?? what if he wanted David?) I know it may seem like I'm putting too much thought into it but the way the OP writes the thing is like "I DECIDED" "I TALKED TO OTHER PARENTS" "I PLANNED". and I'm like...but what about your son also? does he want that?

[@bosstowndynamics5488]

Ultimately it should be the choice of the child and the family hosting the party whether or not any given person comes, the parent in question was technically within her rights to refuse to invite David, but we can recognise that the people hosting the party have the right to control who comes while also recognising that her decision to specifically exclude the autistic child and invite every other child is extremely harmful and does make her the asshole. The fact she decided to invite everyone except David does blunt that somewhat because she's effectively waived her right to choose invitees as her only criteria is "not autistic", which in other contexts would be explicitly illegal

[@Gwenx]

I was just recently diagnosed with autism, and that question prompted my memory! I have had multiple meltdowns at friends birthdays, mine are just more silent and isolating, but you know who respected me? The other children, you know who found me annoying? Some of the parents, because i didn't want to participate in every fricking stupid social team game they made at the party. I often ate too slow, got tummy ache after drinking coco (im lactose intolerant but didn't know at the time) i suck at athletics big time and therefor would not participate in the games, and i spend a lot of time petting dogs, cats or chickens! My friends where okay and always came over and checked on me but most parents (moms in particular) where annoyed with me and felt like i took the mood down by sitting on the side.. I was never excluded, and a lot of parents came to know that was just how i liked to party, by observing.

[@hydraian]

For the nachos, didn't the wife and the parents had plenty of time to stop him from biting into them? Did they just watch him from the sideline with bated breath?

[@imautisticnowwhat]

😅 yeah!

[@augustaseptemberova5664]

Exactly, and the way I imagine the situation, most of them, if not all of them, must have heard him order the nachos. I figure they didn't want the "embarrassment" of addressing the sensory issues in presence of the waiter/waitress. But that does not explain why they waited for OP to take the first bite, before they said smth. People are weird.

[@zalba5710]

Also countless people could have eaten nachos and other crunchy foods in the restaurant.

[@chinemapictures]

And no one talks about their order before the waiter comes apparently?

[@Civileyez]

It looked like the parent from the first post put more energy into crafting an elaborate excuse than it would have taken to make a phone call to the Blessed boy's mother and avoid any issues whatsoever.

[@jimwilliams3816]

One of the autistic kids I first met through my job, years ago, was sensation seeking -- and had a tablet that played a hyperactive light show with frenetic buzzing/dinging sounds. He clearly loved it, and it helped him regulate. I was not aware of my own neurodivergence then, though meeting kids on the spectrum was giving me a glimmer of recognition. I was glad the (new) tech was available to him, and in no way objected, but I observed to myself that I could not have coped with the tablet myself for very long. (Now I know why.) The boy I met would almost certainly do better at a Chuck E. Cheese (US birthday arcade) than I would. BTW, if you aren't willing to risk having any social disasters, a birthday party of children -- any children -- is not really a safe bet.

[@resourceress7]

Btw, a little dialect info for people in different countries: In the UK, "learning disability" means what people in the US call "intellectual disability" or "developmental disability." (Among other things. It changes over time and depending on who says it.) One example is Down Syndrome. In the US, "learning disability" means things like dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, and even ADHD, without intellectual impairment as a requirement for that phrase. (Anyone can have more than one disability or impairment.) Now, there is also the term "neurodevelopmental disorder," which includes ADHD, autism, etc. So terminology is squishy sometimes. My main point was that "learning disability" means something different in the US vs UK. With word nerd love, from a disabled linguist.

[@KaylaPearlCPNinja]

Not to mention you can’t say spasticity in the UK because sadly it has become a pejorative term and you have to use the term hypertonia instead. It’s all because people sadly (especially kids) have been using the word spastic and it’s abbreviated form “spaz” to make fun of people who have cerebral palsy. I honestly wish that this wasn’t never true and never the reality of the term because it is used in medicine and should not be turned into a pejorative term, but that’s the reality that people living in the UK live in. The US doesn’t have to deal with that.

[@FairyGodAunt]

actually, ADHD is not considered a learning disability. DAPA categorizes it under the disability category “Other Health Impairments”

[@joycebrewer4150]

​@@KaylaPearlCPNinjaI am in USA, I have heard spazz being used as pejorative.

[@KaylaPearlCPNinja]

@@joycebrewer4150 it’s a shame that this word has become such a pejorative term, the English language is so f**ked up these days.

[@egodeathalone]

I've only watched the not inviting to the party part so far but I'm absolutely disgusted. My son's never been invited to a birthday party and I never was growing up either and it's terrible. We're excluded by everyone but no one cares. I can't stand society and it breaks my heart for my child

[@daminox]

I thougt the same thing. Being excluded from the rest of your class at that age is traumatizing.

[@bluefox8011]

Around 7-8 years old, I was suggested by my mother to hand out invites to my birthday party. Nobody came that day. I was sad to the point it felt like my heart broke inside. My mother never took me to get diagnosed, but I am sure that I am autistic. I just mask VERY well. I personally don't want children and a child's cry to me has always made my insides ball up but, I don't think I would want another child to feel the way this mom made poor David feel with the way he is.

[@blakewaffle7559]

if i could id invite ur son as i also havent been invited to stuff because im autistic etc

[@gabrielleduplessis7388]

I have two disabilities and struggled making friends. I was not invited to many parties either and never had anyone to invite to mine. It hurts. I am just glad that I have a great mom who made sure that my birthdays were fun. That was more important to me. It does hurt when people think you are weird and don’t want to invite you to things. I am sorry your child had to experience that.

[@beardiemom]

I guess experiences are very different. I have severe ADHD and am currently seeking an autism diagnosis and as a kid, I had trouble making friends as well, but it never felt punishing for me when I wasn't invited to birthday parties. Because the few times I actually had been invited, minus the one time as a teen when it was just four people including the birthday girl, felt overwhelming and overstimulating to me.

[@shapeofsoup]

Seems to me the BIL situation is super complicated by the entire family’s misunderstanding and mishandling of autism, what it is, and what it isn’t. I think the op is understandably confused and frustrated. Ultimately they all share some responsibility here.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Yes, some of it might have been addressed by him wearing ear protection. And presumably the nachos could have been ordered without the olives. (I can't blame him for the olives, olives on nachos make absolutely no sense, although I was taught not to point that out as people don't like it) It would have been a reasonable compromise where both sides gave something up to coexist. But, without knowing how long the list of accommodations is or how much the brother-in-law is doing to manage his own sensory sensitivity, it's hard to say if anybody is right here.

[@shapeofsoup]

@@SmallSpoonBrigade yes, exactly. Well, except for the olives. I love olives on nachos 😂

[@kingrix]

@@shapeofsoup The only place I don't welcome olives is in dessert. But as I see it; if others don't enjoy olives that just means I get more.

[@semi-san1736]

Yeah, in that one everyone was the asshole, whatever acronym that might be. Like, parents-in-law need to be less wishy-washy, the BIL needs to learn to cope because it's truly ridiculous to expect the whole world to cater to one's specific needs all the time, and the OP just needs to work on his communication inasmuch as his wife does. No wonder this situation blew up.

[@chocomelo454]

i havent watched it yet but bro. autistic people shouldnt have to cater to alliostic peoples comfort all the time and suffer just so Becky doesnt have to be the "weird" autistic.@@semi-san1736

[@CelesProxy]

I'm so glad you mentioned that therapy for autistic kids is abusive, I am someone who doesn't show a whole lot of emotion regularly so it should have been kind of obvious to my Mom that when I got in the car begging not to go back that maybe it wasn't a good thing. I was a teenager at the time so it wasn't like a child having a meltdown I was having a normal reaction to a shitty situation.

[@lemonmeat]

ABA as an example makes my blood boil. i cant believe people are okay with torturing us with shocks and teaching us saying no to anything will get us shocks

[@kdmusic10]

I did play therapy when I was very young like 4-6, as someone with autism. That was fun as a small child. Never did ABA, but I had been encouraged to not be myself. I've always been unapologetically myself , no regrets. Note: teachers didn't want me to be myself but family and close friends were and have always been supportive

[@thecreatorofpc7929]

⁠​⁠​⁠@@lemonmeat I’m autistic, i’ve never heard of ABA. And I honestly don’t want to know now. The only therapy i went to was some sort of gym like thing, all i really remember was a gym ball (or whatever its called), and playing Connect 4 (maybe Jenga?). It was a really long time ago, and i don’t even remember if it was specifically for autistic kids. But i know i definitely didn’t get shocked.

[@AZ-ty7ub]

This happened to me as the autistic kid in grade school. Everybody in class was invited to the popular girl's party, everyone, even my unpopular friends, but me. Absolutely crushed and humiliated me. I didn't like parties and I may not have gone if I had been invited, but the exclusion left a mark. There aren't always easy answers to problems like these, but the actual autistic child should never be made to feel ashamed.

[@weaviejeebies]

I'm an ADHDer, this happened to me my whole childhood. It was so awful. Always the last picked to be on the sports team because of dyspraxia, always the one excluded from the popular girl's party. I was being abused and neglected at home, and when I was sad about not fitting in at school, my parents would just pick on the ADHD stuff I did (this was the 80s, everyone was clueless about neurodiversity, but still) and tell me to straighten myself out, just try for once. My teachers would tell me things like "nobody wants a friend who's such a slob, you don't even try to come to school in decent shape". not putting 2 and 2 together that I was bathing, dressing, and feeding myself and two siblings at 10 yrs old, doing my own laundry (badly), and I wasn't allowed to touch the iron until age 12. I didn't have hair ribbons, I had the rubber bands from our newspaper. I just wanted to have friends so badly, I was trying so hard, but I couldn't do or say anything right and always looked like a ragamuffin. Looking back on that time I'm astonished that I survived. I'm so sorry you had the same rejection. I wish you all the happiness in the world now.

[@jmfs3497]

One of the challenges of "special needs" classes is that they often don't factor in the spectrum of intellection in disorders. Someone how might be overstimulated and introverted might be incredibly smart, but have challenges with people, not learning. You end up being infantilized when you are kind of an "old soul". Other kids identified me as "smart" even though I withered in school. I thought I was dumb because I was in a constant state of hyper-vigilance from overstimulation, alphanumeric overload, social overload, constant subject switching, masking, and trying way too hard to follow rules out of fear of punishment. I fit in enough that I didn't fit in with anybody if that makes sense. I liked "nerds", not jerk nerds, but just nice, nerdy, pragmatic folks. I always felt great when I would run into fellow weirdos in the hall in between classes and wished I would be in classes all day with them. But we were outcasts. We weren't "cool kids". And yet as an adult I am now a cool kid. I have a cool job and the former cool kids have lame jobs, lol. Probably because I had no one to really identify with, so I focused on my special interests and now I get paid to focus on my special interests. I still run into many people in my field that seem toxic, but most of my coworkers are those nice, nerdy, pragmatic folks and it is AMAZINGLY freeing. I almost want to cry after finding "my people" so late in life.

[@FeyPax]

I was in the exact same situation. Was always called mature but I’m autistic and traumatised by a terrible childhood. As an adult in college I’m finally taking the disability aid since I found out I have dyslexia with math.

[@lemonmeat]

ive never seen or heard of a good special needs class, its usually one shoe fits all bullshit or they practice harmful things, one example; SITTING ON CHILDREN TO RESTRAIN THEM

[@Cherrypoptarts]

@@FeyPaxohh I think math dyslexia is callled… dyscalculia? I have dyslexia so I might have mixed up the letters haha!

[@idk-ill-figure-smn-out]

Literally me. Kinda. I was put in Special Ed because I had "behavioral issues" (i.e. undiagnosed autism and gender dysphoria w/suicidal tendencies) that had almost nothing to do with my grades or test scores, and the therapist I went to actually tried to ensure I wasn't diagnosed with autism *(gasp, the horror!)* by diagnosing me with like _six_ other closely related disorders, all so that I wouldn't be trapped in Special Ed where my educational needs would've been stunted. Of course, I still faced terrible bullying and was deemed a "ret@rd" by my classmates all throughout middle and high school, and I was bitter for a long time about not being able to get the treatment I actually needed. But looking back, I suppose it was actually a *good* thing that I wasn't diagnosed with autism, especially given how much autistic people are either demonized or infantilized by society. I don't _need_ that stress in my life. I *certainly* won't be seeking out an autism diagnosis as an adult, as i've already learned to mask my symptoms and am now capable of pretending to be normal lol. Why ruin a good thing and put a stigma on myself that i've just finally been able to shrug off after years of struggle?

[@moonlight_cat_27]

Definitely me

[@v3ru586]

Nacho story: I was raised to follow tons of rules that make me uncomfortable, in favour of everyone else's convenience. It didn't just involve hiding the symptoms of my ADHD and (possible) autism, but also my celiac. To this day I don't know how to eat out without either inquiring about my food options or spending some time on the toilet. And that's just the part I can't suppress until I'm home alone, where I don't offend anyone by breaking down. I guess op experienced how life is for many neurodivergent people. Not the asshole, family should sit down together, and figure out how far everyone can go to ignore and handle sensory input. I find the smell of fresh pastry insanely annoying, but I don't stop anyone from eating their pretzel in the morning.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

I'm kind of wondering if the brother-in-law could have worn earplugs if the noise was that much of an issue. I wear earplugs at restaurants and I only take them out if I have to because I can't hear the server, although that's usually not helpful as it also makes the noise in the room louder as well. The olives, honestly, he's not wrong, olives shouldn't be on nachos. But, it seems to me that they are an add-on and presumably, the olives could have been kept off. These things do get a bit tricky about where the line is in terms of being accommodating versus being a jerk. I'd need to know far more about him to know whether that would be reasonable. I personally find that since I started working on my sensory diet that I have a lot more in me to ignore things that are triggering. It's not perfect and it can be rather expensive to my well-being, but if I'm also being taxed by a number of other things, it's going to make accepting one thing even harder.

[@v3ru586]

@@SmallSpoonBrigade I wasn't allowed earplugs or personalising my food, as that's considered rude. Thankfully, my current social circle doesn't mind accommodating for my issues, sometimes I feel like they're going too far

[@kingrix]

@@v3ru586 It doesn't sound like they are. IMO it sounds like your situation growing up was pretty unaccommodating to your needs to the point that your current social circle treating you with respect feels like to much. I'm not trying to pass judgement on how you were raised, but my personal PDA would not be able to tolerate what you described above.

[@FeyPax]

I have IBS so I feel you there

[@kirstyfairly4371]

v3ru586-I'm so sorry you haven't had more supportive people in your life, you deserve better. I have celiacs as well, so i know just how vital it is to the health of people like you & me to be on a gluten free diet. I don't want to scare you, but as someone with celiacs I can tell you that not sticking to a gluten free diet will cause you severe (even life threatening) health issues. If the people in your life are so selfish that they're unwilling to understand how important eating a gluten free diet is for your general health then they're not worth keeping around in your life. No one should be offended just because you need a specific diet to not get sick.

[@eddievanhorn5497]

I was always the "smart kid" in the class in elementary school, which due to the ableism of people thinking "oh those are dumb kid disorders" led me to never get diagnosed until high school due to the negligence of the adults around me. Turns out it's AuDHD. I never went to a single birthday party until high school, nor did anyone ever come to mine. I feel like I largely missed out on the formative experiences of my childhood. None of the adults ever actually did anything about the bullying, they just told me "they're jealous of how smart you are, you'll be their boss one day". If you just suffer through this, you'll be successful one day. No, refusing to accept the possibility someone is neurodivergent because they're "smart" and then letting them get bullied for a decade makes them more likely to be homeless than a CEO, Wendy. Sorry to just dump, but this post really struck a chord with me. I can personally attest to how damaging to your sense of self this kind of thing is. This is the kind of trauma that rewires people's brains in deeply pathological ways. If you're a parent reading this, don't let this be you, and don't let your kid bully other kids.

[@fygfyg7242]

I agree with nachos story that it's difficult to judge knowing only one person's point of view. That being said, it sounds like family's approach to their autistic son was to always avoid doing things that could trigger/upset him and never expect him to adjust his behavior to accomodate others (like wearing headphones). Which is a terrible aproach to raising any child, autistic or not, because it guarantees that child will grow up to be a terrible person. Also, the guy had a right to forget that nachos trigger his brother in law, people forget things all the time. His wife should, at least, clearly tell him why she doesn't want him to order them. Or even better, she or his bil, could have (nicely) asked him not to order nachos because it's really difficult to handle for his bil. If the guy than just ignored the request, I would say he was acting not very nice (because ordering something else usually isn't a big deal). But he wasn't ASKED, he was EXPECTED to adjust his behavior, and for me that makes a big difference. As for the party mom, I can't believe she thought inviting everyone but one person could ever be acceptable. Like, really?

[@FeyPax]

100% agree on this

[@Gwenx]

Yep totally agree. As autistic people there is a lot of measures we can take to not be to much of a hassle when out and about, like minimizing triggers by using headphones or distracting, or not going to triggering places, BUT it sounds like he is not able to care for himself quite like that, so his parents should bring these things, and avoid the triggering places, go somewhere else.. They should ALL kindly remind the husband here. HE should NEVER be expected to remember all these triggers, ever! That's an everybody sucks here. (if the autistic brother in law cannot care for himself, then exclude him from the everybody sucks here award, haha)

[@Hiforest]

The BIL might hate the feeling of headphones. I know an autistic woman who just can't wear them. She's tried various different types and despite her knowing that they will help to muffle the sound, anything in or around her ears drives her insane. As a family friend I've never had a problem making allowances so she can be included, she spends a lot of time on her own as it is.

[@katecritt]

The family definitely should have communicated better, but if my partner asked me not to order a particular dish at a family gathering I'd probably assume they had a reason. I can't think of any reason I'd order it anyway apart from spite, or there being literally nothing else on the menu that I wanted. And given that he went out of his way to try to exclude his BIL from the gathering, and claims that this guy's issues are what always ruin such get togethers, I'm thinking he probably guessed what the issue with the nachos was and went through with the order out of spite, using the excuse that he hadn't been explicitly told why to cover himself. He didn't want the guy there in the first place, so I'd even so far as to guess that he tried to drive him off or set him off to make him look bad, and now he's having a sulk that it came back on him. The whole post feels very aggressive and manipulative. The BIL may or may not be an entitled asshole, it really is too hard to say given only one point of view, but the OP most definitely is.

[@Hiforest]

@katecritt I don't buy this excuse either - he sounds like an asshole.

[@ijustdocomments6777]

David's mom gets +10 parenting points for sticking up for her kid, my gosh, I dropped the last piece of my brownie in the floor I was so shocked anyone would do that to a kid, ANY kid, based on such thin reasoning. It's ALWAYS the responsibility of child's own parents to decide if they're able to handle a situation or not.

[@panicatlabiblioteca3977]

Rip your brownie

[@celia1888]

As someone who had issues long before we knew I'm autistic (literally just diagnosed at 30) and my friends knew I could get overwhelmed so if I had issues with overstimulation they just knew to let me be and warn their parents (tho I suspect my mom told them about it). They just thought I was just a very shy NT kid and they had no problem adapting to my needs (leaving me in a room with a bed and kids books or allowing me to bring mine, ect...) It's in moments like this I think that while not being diagnosed definitely caused issues, it also allowed me to not deal with the full blown ableism that come with it.

[@Warspite03]

I recall I was not invited to someone I thought was among my best friends birthday when I was about 5. I still remember 40 years later.

[@nyandoesthings]

In Freshman year I invited who I thought was my best friend to a New Year's Eve party about a week before New Year's Eve; they said they couldn't, I figured it was a family thing. Then I asked someone else in the friend group if they'd come, and they said that they were going to the party my "best friend" was holding for the friend group. That I hadn't been invited to. And it clearly wasn't an accident since when I invited him he didn't say anything about it.

[@jimwilliams3816]

Birthdays are such a land mine. In Jr. High, my homeroom had a surprise party for me -- in theory I guess this was a positive. But they did a thing with the cake that was a fairly cruel, unveiled slam at the food preferences that also happened to be my special interest at the time. A sympathetic teacher clued me in to what was happening, but there really wasn't anything to do but play along with the party. That was the point at which I fully realized how annoying most of the kids found me, including a girl I had liked, even if I knew perfectly well I would never date her. It led to my first clear period of depression, and I've never really been that interested in observing my birthday since, certainly not with a group. And yeah, that was about 45 years ago for me too.

[@daveanderson8776]

People are so insensitive to other peoples needs especially when it comes to children as if they are not capable of realizing they have been left out . People don’t realize these incidents add up throughout the years causing damage that can take along time to unravel .

[@NekomiSon]

Agreed. And when we try to say something, some people say we’re too sensitive today. 🙄

[@mr.x2567]

Humans are disgusting. I wish they never existed.

[@richardchen7062]

100%. For me, though, I’ll be told it’s “unprofessional”.

[@kittygirl0872]

​@@richardchen7062Life itself is unprofessional

[@sparklefulpaladin]

As someone who is autistic and was excluded from birthday parties from classmates at a private school (even though there was a RULE in grade school that if you passed out invitations in class, everyone had to get one... I remember once when someone gave me a fake invitation to get around that rule), it's horrible to be excluded. But it's also perhaps worse to be invited only because the person has to. The OP definitely should have talked to David's mom and been like "hey, so here's the situation, here's the stuff I heard..." and if it wasn't something that was going to work, David's mom could've always said "thank you for the invite, but we'll pass". As an older sibling whose younger siblings always got way more presents at their party (younger siblings were super popular and, due to having a summer birthday, was able to invite more friends to said parties), it was hard to not be jealous when younger siblings were opening their presents. My parents would have something small for me to open at their birthday party and something small for them to open at mine. Because my siblings also had pool parties and some of their friends had siblings who were my friends, my parents would often invite one or two of the older siblings. Then, when I got a bit older, they had me be in charge of writing down who brought what so that thank you notes could be written later. It was more that I was frustrated at not having anything to do, not that I was actually jealous of my sibling for getting presents. Re: Nacho Story. Based on the information presented, I think everyone's kind of the asshole. The wife should have communicated better and more clearly. The OP should have tried to be more understanding. The autistic person should have been allowed to use accommodations (like earplugs or headphones or staying home if he was capable of that) and he should have used them. I personally have a hard time when I'm around people who eat certain things, but that is because I am allergic to certain things and it's bad enough to get a reaction from airborne particles. I am pretty careful to check what the food situation will be like before agreeing to attend a social gathering. To be fair, the autistic person in the original post also seems to probably have more support needs than I do.

[@nyandoesthings]

The OP of the nacho story, to me, still seems ableist, he just happens to be right that his BIL is not accommodated or taught correctly. I know that he said he was the asshole for what he said about BIL, but those thoughts sound like they come from a place of at least subconscious ableism.

[@shiny_x3]

I had meltdowns at every birthday party as a child, not because I'm autistic but because I have CPTSD. Having a meltdown just means someone's needs are not being met, and if the response is to exclude them...then they will have even more unmet needs. Edit: Ironically, two months after posting this comment, I realized I was watching autism videos because I'm autistic...so maybe my birthday meltdowns were also b/c of autism. 😆

[@blakewaffle7559]

as an autistic person with cpstd and i agree excluding someine because of cptsd lt autism is horrible and you ahouldnt exclude because of meltdowns etc

[@bailey7792]

So why is it up to literally everyone else to deal with your meltdowns at someone else's birthday? I feel like that's pretty unreasonable.

[@Maria7Maria]

Yep. I experience this as an adult too 😢

[@Maria7Maria]

@@bailey7792I think it’s more of an awareness thing, surely the parent would be invited to accompany the child too to minimise the impact & remove the child from the situation if they’re overwhelmed ? Not forcing anyone else to “deal” with a meltdown

[@Allustar]

@@bailey7792Autism is a disability similar to how blindness is a disability. You just have to accommodate people sometimes. That doesn’t mean people have to deal with others’ meltdowns, but there can be accommodations to help with meltdowns to ensure they don’t happen in the first place.

[@CSpottsGaming]

"They put an autistic child into my son's class once a week to help teach them not to discriminate against people with disabilities and I singled him out as the one person I didn't invite to a party, Am I The Asshole?" The fact that anyone lacks SO MUCH awareness that they could even fathom asking this question is baffling to me.

[@TheGamersState]

As someone with autism; The nacho story really does hit home for me. For some time after I got diagnosed I thought I could use it as an excuse to tell people what they can and cannot do but after some time I realized that's not how it works. If a certain something that's totally legal, I'm pretty sure eating nachos is lol, and it makes me uncomfortable then I simply have to remove myself from the situation either by headphones or leaving the room and closing the door. You can't use autism as an excuse to tell people what to do, they are still people with their own individuality.

[@cindyhoomalu1566]

My son is an only child, 12 year old on the autism spectrum. He has been in a regular classroom at school, but his social skills are immature compared to his neurotypical peers. Throughout the years we have dealt with some meltdowns at birthday parties, including his own, but we find a way to work through it. Kind of combining the 2 situations here, at the last birthday party that we attended, there was a food issue. I’m not sure how this started, but he claims he can’t eat if he can see fruit or vegetables. It’s not about sound or taste because he is not eating them, but if they are on the table he starts to meltdown. At home I just put something between us so he doesn’t have to see it, but we have told him that in public he needs to find a coping skill to help him through it. At this party, there was a fruit tray placed right next to him, and the parents were awesome with me moving it away. Then pretty much everyone had fruit on their plates and the meltdown started again. We went to the side and I gave him choices, did he want to leave?, did he want to sit at a table away from his friends?, or could he try not to look at it and enjoy his food with them because it would be rude to ask them not to eat what they want? He chose to stay at the table and try not to look at it. I always wonder if I am the asshole for trying to make him deal with things that we cannot control. Or if I give in too much by trying to make it easier for him at home? I am really winging it here, but I try really hard to do what I think is best for him to grow into a good human! I mean, he’s already an awesome kid, but we all need to strive for growth!

[@TrisSharp]

Hey, just my perspective, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. Especially in the example you gave, giving him clear options of things that could help and the ability to choose between them was an awesome move (and one that I also really appreciate when I'm overstimulated or shutting down). Support + reduced stress + preservation of autonomy = an amazing response, so well done! I would say there's nothing wrong with having home as a safe space, and providing backup if/ when he needs it outside of that (as you're already doing). He's always going to have to deal with things you can't control, and by the sounds of it you're helping him develop the tools to manage those situations while also taking care of his own needs. In my opinion, that's one of the best possible approaches out there, if not the best. You sound like a wonderful parent, and I'm glad your kid gets to have you in his corner.

[@romyjane17]

You’re not the asshole for “making him deal with things that we cannot control”, because that is an essential part of life. Learning how to deal with those situations is a necessity for everyone, but it might be different/harder for us autistic people. But if we don’t learn what to do, we might end up isolating ourselfs. This off course is also different for each autistic person, because some can cope easier than others. But from what you describe, giving him the choice, and him making a choice, which seemed to lead to a successful party, was the right thing. Because in the future, he might be able to ask himself these choices when he is in a tough situation. You’re doing great!

[@ambienceandmusicstudios]

I am autistic and I'm 17. I have a similar situation. When I was a toddler, I was very pathological demand avoidance type. I have a core memory of my parents trying to persuade me to drink something else besides water and I had a very averse reaction. I have no idea why, but I just resolved that I would not listen to them. It probably was a mixture of pathological demand avoidance and also because it was something I wasn't ready for at that point. From then on, I commited to my decision to such a degree that I developed strong emotional reactions to even just seeing a cup of coffee or juice. I had developed a phobia. When I was just 5 years old, I had to go to see a psychologist to treat it. He helped me calm my reactions, but I still feel very uncomfortable around non-water beverages, as ridiculous as this sounds. It makes me feel very on edge when I have to witness somebody drinking, especially when it is something that smells bad. I can manage it for short periods of time, but it gives me a lot of stress, and can send me into sensory overload and meltdowns sometimes. It also means that afterwards, I am exhausted since I spent a lot of energy trying to cope with something that makes me feel very alert and uneasy. It makes me wonder if your son might be experiencing the same thing. I do dislike the smells of drinks, so it isn't just to do with the pathological demand avoidance, but it is definitely a mixture of both things. These strong reactions to fruit and vegetables might stem from the same origin as mine did. I could never fix my phobia, but I am able to make myself cope when I need to, although it isn't comfortable and it leaves me drained afterwards. It isn't just the sensory perception around me, but just knowing about it. For example, even if somebody who was afraid of spiders was blinded and removed of all other sensory perception, they would still feel scared and on edge if they knew they were surrounded by spiders. That being said, the psychologist did help, but as soon as I left, things got worse again. Perhaps he might benefit from a specialist who can help him manage his situation. It sounds like it might not just be related to autism, but a phobia as well, so I would suggest finding somebody who can help with that.

[@LittleKikuyu]

I just love the stories where the people are so OBVIOUSLY the *rsehole (1st story) and want to be told that they’re not 😂🤦‍♀️😂

[@ijustdocomments6777]

Right? She had probably half the moms in school who actually knew her and knew the situation telling her she's the asshole, but decided strangers on Reddit would somehow be on her side. 🤣

[@HinataElyonToph]

@@ijustdocomments6777 well yeah that’s how these always go. A lot of times they go to people who don’t know the whole story and spin it in a way that makes them look like the victim. But people can see right through the bullshit just by how they phrase things

[@cheddarcheesewoah]

Aw, that 1st story’s horrible… poor David must have felt so left out, and it must have felt so much worse for him that he was excluded for something that he can’t help. He’ll only end up learning to despise his autism (ofc being autistic can be such a frustrating and even isolating experience, but it shouldn’t be something you hate about yourself all the time!) And, god, that 2nd story! As you said, that family needs to learn about a little something called communication! Good communication is difficult, and I feel a little bit like a hypocrite ‘cause I’m not very good at it either, but it’s so so so important in all relationships, not just ones involving an autistic person.

[@secretlybees]

The Nacho story seems frustrating. The BIL would have been fine alone if he'd been enjoying his livestream. The OP was even trying to organize a dinner with them when the BIL would be busy, so wouldn't be dragged along. Do the parents feel like if they go somewhere, they have to take him everywhere? If they feel guilty for eating out without him, they could bring food home. Like, why would they HAVE to bring him if he could have been left alone otherwise? I mean, if I feel like someone needs that degree of supervision, why am I leaving them alone for potentially hours when livestreams COULD end, there could be an emergency, the internet cuts out, and then he's on his own without the screen to babysit him? And I mean, I HAVE known entitled autistic men who use their condition to try and control everyone around them and also excuse their interest in young women. We really do have no info on the BIL, so maybe he's just fine and seems weird, or maybe he's coddled and never has his behavior corrected/taught to compromise.

[@kingrix]

Something about that post makes me want to take OP at his word. From my personal experience (in general, not with these people specifically) it seems like the BIL is coddled and never has his behavior corrected/taught to compromise.

[@secretlybees]

@@kingrix Yeah! I don't expect everyone to handle things how I do, but I'm an autistic woman with misophonia and eating sounds trigger me. I remember being a kid and getting annoyed my sister couldn't eat quieter and I could hear her from across the room. I couldn't control the irrational anger and panic I felt, BUT, I knew she had every right to be eating and enjoy the space as much as me. And like, food is just something I can't restrict people from. I lived with someone who cooked fried things in oil on the stove, and I asked her if she'd let me know before she did it, or close my door if I was sleeping, because the smell was too strong. I said all this clearly and explained that I didn't care what she made otherwise, but she thought I was telling her not to make them at all. Like, I ask for reasonable accommodations and get treated like I'm ripping the world away from people and there's guys like this throwing fits over a free dinner he wasn't even invited to with NO consequences while making the other guy the villain...

[@FeyPax]

@@secretlybeessame I think that’s why it bothered me so much. I HATE mouth sounds and have asked my bf to be quieter. In his culture, it’s common to eat with your mouth open and I had to tell him I can’t take that if it’s just us eating together (I will never tell his family what to do) I think it’s fair to accommodate and actually we should as much as we are able, but also come on. It’s not the OP’s fault for not knowing and then getting frustrated when he was getting dog piled. I said I would’ve gotten up and left because truthfully no one deserves to be berated while trying to eat.

[@fancydeer]

everything about this

[@secretlybees]

@@FeyPax Is he Korean by chance? I've noticed in Korean TV, the emphasized mouth sounds don't bother me as much as in real life because they almost sound like... the sound one's own mouth makes? I noticed one day that I found myself getting hungry when listening to a noodle slurp and realized it then, how close it sounded, and I was weirded out by NOT reacting as uncomfortable as usual Also, I agree with everything you say and appreciate your consideration of others.

[@Cruznick06]

BiL story: it really sounds like the family doesn't communicate and hasn't seriously worked on self-regulating when dealing with something triggering. I say this as someone with severe misophonia that is triggered by high-pitched sqeals and crying sounds made by babies and toddlers. This has ALWAYS been a huge trigger for me. My parents recognized that music helped me regulate and ignore such noises. So they got me a portable CD player and headphones. They also worked with me to find appropriate ways to vent my frustration in situations where I couldn't just leave. I still have a very frustrating visceral reaction to the sound of small children crying. But because they worked with me to find appropriate strategies, I can avoid screaming at a parent in public.

[@bethanythatsme]

David can sit at our table ❤ My goodness, this world can get ya. Thank you for channel & the community you cultivate, the comments keep me going.

[@SpiritDragoness]

We have invited one autistic boy to our child's birthday twice now. Didn't have a problem at all. The first time his mom stayed at the party just in case. The second time she left him with us and the other kids, and even without his mom he did very well. We had a play center all to ourselves, and when he was a bit overstimulated, he just went to the lego corner where there was less noise and action, and he made some lego houses. He even came to me and took me by my hand to show me the lego houses he made. We will invite him again for sure.

[@FinneganTheCaptain]

The mother assuming that David would hate the arcade is so funny to me (not really), because my brother is autistic and loves the arcade. He went to it for his birthday last year. I don’t like the arcade because I’m not big into gaming, but that doesn’t even have to do with me being autistic. If the mother had the courtesy to ASK David’s mother about if the party would be a good fit for him, then I think David’s mom would be more than willing to work with her to figure out the situation. I would be devastated if I found out that I was the only one in the class to not be invited because of something I can’t control.

[@nyandoesthings]

Some autistic people are sensory seeking, and for a lot of us it's certain specific things that trigger us. So for me, the arcade and loud music wouldn't be a bother (beyond yk, the amount anyone is annoyed by the music and its volume). But a birthday party for anyone under 13-14 probably would be an issue, because overlapping speech is a big trigger for me. In fact, video game sounds are some of my favorite. I assume partly because I enjoy video games and so there's association, but also because they tend to be very "percussion-y", which I like in all of my sounds. I don't know how else to describe it, but obviously percussion instruments almost always make a percussion-y sound, but many other instruments have the potential to make a percussion-y sound. I guess it's like... a clean noise. Like it's one note then it's over. Maybe no slurring is the musical term I'm looking for.

[@FeyPax]

Exactly what I was thinking. I myself can’t handle loud noises but I have another autistic friend who loves going to concerts and moshing. I can only do it maybe once a year.

[@greenginger6668]

I agree on the last one, BIL is quite obviously ableist but yeah, he can order what he wants at a dinner. I know I’d never be his wife if he talked about my brother that way… the comments gave me the ick too (except the one from the actually autistic person). The guy who claimed to work with autistic people scares me, if that’s the way they think I wonder how many neurodivergent people they’ve traumatized.

[@nyandoesthings]

SO TRUE!! I got really uncomfortable while she was reading the comments, because I was "agreeing with" ableist people.

[@Razzberry_dollz]

Yeah this person clearly need a lot of support considering he’s being cared for by his parents like calling him a creep was way too far

[@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG]

@@Razzberry_dollz the creep comment was a 100% directed at the fact that a 32yo man is watching a 19yo girl stream on tiktok. if nobody got that, then it's crazy.

[@laurenjb7]

Ya when I was in school we had an autistic child in our class once in primary school and once in secondary school Maths. Well I suppose there was in every class but I had no diagnosis then. They taught us absolutely nothing in terms of how to interact with them or what autism is, about differences in everyone. Nothing. The only information they provided was a very apologetic explanation of the new student joining our class, as if the teacher was very clearly saying his feeling of yes this sucks but we have no choice now the special kids aren't locked away. In high school it was the same and the only thing really explained was how he was a maths savant, like that was heavily drilled in as if this person was only permitted to interact with the "normal" students because he was really good at math(and the rest of the "special students" were still locked away in a different classroom and we never saw them or knew they existed. I learned nothing, and we could have learned so much from those experiences. But I did learn even then, that ABA is absolutely horrible. I didn't know what is was called then or what it was, but it stuck with me so much that when ever this kid would stim he would be removed and heavily scolded. He was bad for making noise and needed to learn to quiet for the rest of our sake, but never once were we taught about different expressions of emotions, different communication styles. Learning acceptance and understanding was of no importance I guess. I was a kid and it was clear to me that this guy was trying to communicate distress and he was punished for it, but it wasn't clear to the very people trained to teach him. This was 20ish years ago, I really hope things have improved in schools since

[@nyandoesthings]

In high school we had a "club" for everyone to "help make new friends outside of your normal circles". It was intended for disabled students, but especially autistic students, to help connect with non-disabled students. I think it might've been fine if that were the end of it. But non-disabled students were offered community service hours for participating, without being told anything about how to best interact with them. The students with autism were also required to come, despite many of them having friend groups they sat with at lunch. So all it did was make them feel like they couldn't make friends "the right way" by the school.

[@HinataElyonToph]

Unfortunately no, it’s not any better

[@MonaLyssa33]

God I hate the mother in the first one. I was mute as a child and diagnosed with autism as an adult and I had few friends. I was treated terribly by parents and one friend's mom wouldn't allow me in her house unless I spoke. I've definitely grown up to be a very empathetic adult but it shouldn't have come as a result of exclusion and isolation.

[@Chingakyckaling]

Isn't it ironic how NT people are hellbent on the idea of teaching appropriate behaviors to uphold their idea of a socially cohesive and pleasant society by doing exactly the opposite of what they preach. Society still hasn't learnt the lesson that social appropriateness can't be taught by a inappropriate teacher. It's awful that you were treated that way. Did the woman know of your mutism? If she did, that's even worse. Did she see your difficulty speaking as defiance and disrespect? I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case.

[@iPsychlops]

You addressed the misophonia nachos one so well!

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Thank you! I’m so glad you think so 💛

[@pemanilnoob]

Once I was diagnosed with autism and adhd, my whole class got shown a video about neurodivergent people and people with Asperger’s (as that was what I was diagnosed with) I never got bullied at all, only picked on by the guys that pick on everyone, and everyone were just really nice about it, I wish it was like that for others

[@pipermarau]

the first one is sooooo triggering. i was in 2nd grade when a classmate had a birthday party and she told me on the playground that she was going to tell her mom to cancel her party if i got invited. i was crushed. i was the new kid and i didn't know anyone and it honestly never stopped hurting to remember that. i told my parents i didn't want to go and from that year onward i never did fit in with other kid groups and was often bullied out of them in a variety of cruel and creative ways.

[@eden.nd.]

I've been at birthday parties entirely made up of autistic kids without issue, including noisy activities and structured ones too. So long as the adults are flexible there's honestly no issues, if someone has a meltdown (parents included, a lot of them are nd too lol) it's ok to get some space and air, but when people don't feel that need to mask a lot of the time meltdowns don't happen because we can self-regulate 😁

[@DrawciaGleam02]

Wait, the PARENTS have meltdowns?! Uh, what's that like??

[@Sophie_Cleverly]

This is so true, I have a lot of family and friends who are ND so there were probably more people (both adults and kids) who were ND than NT at my daughter's last birthday party 😆 and it was totally fine, we had a couple of people have to take a break due to feeling overwhelmed but that was all.

[@BunnaySango]

This story is just really very sad. A conversation with Davids mother would have been helpful instead of just excluding a child.😢

[@HinataElyonToph]

Even if he wasn’t autistic, being the only child in your class that wasn’t invited to this party is DEVASTATING. But it’s clear to me that OP is the exact reason why this program is in place at school. Not quite the same but in fourth grade my class was going on a trip to DC (we’re from Ohio, and only four kids were unable to go, myself being one of them. I still kinda hold a grudge against my mom for not letting me go. Now as an adult (I’m almost 28) I understand why, but I still vividly remember feeling so angry and betrayed. She didn’t want me going so far away without her or my grandparents, and all of them couldn’t afford to take time off to go. Even though my best friend and her family were going and my mom knew her parents very well by that point that she trusted them to let me go to the lake with them (a few hours away from home) and stay the night. It just didn’t make sense to 9-10 year old me. It’s a silly thing to still be mad about over 18 years later I know. Any time it comes up in conversation she always expresses that she felt so guilty because she knew how much I had wanted to go, especially since the Smithsonian was on the itinerary. TL;DR I know exactly how that kid must have felt finding out he was the only one who wasn’t invited

[@KeniQilin]

About the story of OP not inviting David. She assumed that just cuz he's autistic, he was gonna get overwhelmed. As an autistic person, the only thing *I* need ear defenders for is the fire alarm.

[@mrdee2454]

Being only person not invited to events as autistic person is very common sadly and you never know why.

[@larryk731]

Similar to the Nachos- I had a crippling fear of needles (sought therapy for it and can tolerate it on myself but not great with watching others). A diabetic friend needs insulin prior to meals. I simply remove myself while she takes it and return when she's done. Also probably on the autistic spectrum but in my 50s, successful independent adult, don't see how a diagnosis would change anything.

[@kingrix]

I'm in my 40s and a diagnosis changed a lot for me, if only in perspective and greater understanding of myself in the context of "typical" people. Of course my entire life fell apart a few years ago and I've been in a state of prolonged burnout so YMMV. 😂

[@llynxfyremusic]

If you can accommodate yourself fine without a diagnosis it's perfectly fine to not seek one out

[@larryk731]

@@llynxfyremusic Also cheaper- lol

[@miaironstone6783]

Oh man, my heart hurts for david. I was diagnosed at a young age despite being a girl ,I still remember one year, i had this big medieval themed birthday party planning because I always was a history nerd even as a little kid. My mom even spent time making a costume for me and decorations. I remember how numb I felt when nobody came to my party despite how much work had gone into it and how cool it was meant to be. I don't remember everything that happened, just a cold numb realization that I don't exist to other people, I am wrong, I am an inconvenience and should stop thinking i had friends and could interact openly without worry. It didn't help how much that was reinforced over the years

[@peachreed]

This story breaks my heart as a mom with a 2 1/2 yr old son who is in the process of being evaluated for Autism. Dr is implying it’s highly likely the case. I am just not ready to see my child treated differently from his peers. 😢

[@powderandpaint14]

Try to keep lines of communication open with other parents and concentrate on doing things for your son for birthdays that he will actually enjoy! Don't worry too much about the expected birthday party stuff, especially at younger ages if your son doesn't like them. But some autistic kids absolutely love birthday parties, so you won't know how things will be until you get to that point.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

It does, but it is often a reality, I'd love to know how many kids showed up for "David's" party and how many other parties he got invited to. It sounds like other parents weren't so hung up about it. I do think that with things like this, it's often times best to just broach the subject earlier rather than later, and just explain that the meltdowns are meltdowns and that the kid doesn't want to do that in public, but may need a bit of help and a place to go to calm down. I'd also be curious as to what happened at that other party. Did he really try to open the presents, or did he need to be explained that the presents were for another kid, or did he just really like the wrapping paper for some reason. As more of us are out in the real world living openly, these stereotypes should start to subside and be replaced with ones that are closer to reality. It just sucks for everybody going through this before the convergence happens.

[@strictnonconformist7369]

I wish I could tell you he'll be treated like everyone else and things have changed to where that's not going to be an issue for your son. Maybe in your very small location he'll be lucky. I'm almost 52, unexpectedly diagnosed in 2002, even as an adult not interacting with others, I've had complete strangers treat me differently. I sincerely hope he has nothing like the experience I or my autistic older sister or my autistic nephew have had (he's over 20 now) but regardless, it's good you're trying to figure out what he needs to be successful, and the reality is, what he will likely need to be successful will result in him being treated differently, though I'd hope it's with compassion and understanding instead of what I (as one of many) have had to deal with.

[@jimwilliams3816]

One way you can help is to feel out what he does want to do and does not like to do. I went to almost no birthday parties as a kid, and I think that was by my choice. I had ONE party of my own of some size, which included kids from class. My mother went over social rules with me that I needed to remember, and I recall thinking "I wish we weren't doing this." I remember being happy about the presents only because, when I opened one, it gave me something to look at instead of making eye contact, and something to talk about. While I didn't want to be disliked, I also tended to favor having one friend, and felt no need to have a place in a broader social hierarchy. I'm glad no one tried to convince me this was a failing to be fixed. Your son will not necessarily be like me in that. But the best gift my mother gave me, most of the time, was basing social activities on a correct reading of what I wanted to do, even when it didn't match with adult's ideas or most kid's choices. That birthday party was an outlier, one we never repeated, and I think I see why now. Helping your son be the best version of himself without using a neurotypical yardstick to measure with is a tough thing to navigate, but IMO it's really worth it. Bless you for caring. I'm just starting to realize what my developing neurodivergence may have felt like to my mother (also undiagnosed neurodivergent, as was my father), and I imagine it must be a hard thing to adjust to. I was a kid in the 1960s, and there are far more people now, thank heavens, that understand autism as a challenge but not a tragedy. Based on my own sense of myself, I suspect you will come to see the ways in which some traits are difficulties to be weathered -- I don't think any of us value meltdowns -- and some traits are an integral part of the person that you will come to know. Many things that I now see as stemming from autism are features of my personality that I have long been proud of, and would not change.

[@Sandstimes]

As an autistic person the only issue I had with arcades as a kid was how much of a gd scam those prize stores were lol

[@blackqweenmars]

I’m autistic and so is my male friend. My male friend is more autistic than me. I don’t know if that’s the right way to phrase but more sensitive to sound and sensory triggers than me. I’m in a marching band and Percussion so I’m constantly subjected to extremely loud sharp noises in my ears and although I don’t like them, I’m able to tolerate them. This bowling arcade place was one of the first place, he invited me to. However, I was getting overstimulated in the arcade while, he seems to be doing perfectly fine. He loves this arcade and goes there constantly. While it’s true, that most autistic people have at least some sort of sensory difference to Neurotypical people. Many people are more knowledgeable and can handle stuff a lot better than you think.

[@aianimations101]

It's the same old, same old discrimination. Even here in the UK, supermarkets have particular hours set for people with autism. Quieter music and stuff.

[@avon_the_trash_king6966]

I can gurantee David was stuck with the full burden. In my town, I was approached by my local newspaper to write a letter to an elementary school class so that they could use it as a way to start the conversation. I had read the article on it and was shocked by how much they took from Autism Speaks. This was two years after Autism Speaks started gettin put on blast for their bullshit.

[@LibbyRoseITM]

It's people like OP in the fiest post that make parents who are suspecting their child to have autism not want to get a diagnosis. This is what happens sometimes when children have labels. These lavels should be giving the children advantages, but the Mum made it a disadvantage just because of her prejudice.

[@NekomiSon]

Yep.

[@Arginne]

I mean the serious discrimination goes through out life. People with autism have less rights then others. You cant even move to certain countries if youre autistic. Its not a diagnosis I would put out there tbh.

[@user-wx8ic2iv3d]

I'm autistic and I know how the kid feels. My family often excluded me from events because I was a "weird kid" and they'd invite even my mom but ask she leave me home. Hurt when I found out but it's funny how they now force me into family things I'm uncomfortable with now that I hate talking to them.

[@dorothyallspice1862]

Awwwww I’m so sorry 🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@Robb3636]

This brought back a memory of primary school, funnily enough! Got autism (wasn't diagnosed at the time) and my family like going swimming multiple times a week at this local swimming pool, once we went there and there was a child from my class who had invited everyone in the class of the same gender (an oddly common practice) except me, and they obviously got kind of panicked when they saw us there! I was initially upset, but then I found it quite funny, and when I felt kind of left out (there were two parents tossing all of the children in the pool by swinging them (consensually, they were having fun)), my dad and older brother tossed me in the pool in the same way too, after people had left that area 🙂 so I ended up having fun anyway. I'm not sure if they didn't invite me due to my autism (but I'm certainly not ruling it out, I got bullied *hard* at that school)

[@kikiblue7169]

"am I the a**hole for teaching my son to leave out people who are different because they might do something you don't want them to" that is basically what this was.

[@Stormbrise]

The second story, the BIL reminds me of an autistic someone I know about forcing their triggers onto what we can do around him. So basically an autistic myself, I just take myself out of the situation with him. I just opt out. I just call him the asshole.

[@kingrix]

Exactly. If someone wants to use their neurodivergence as an excuse to be unpleasant to be around, they clearly don't want me as a friend.

[@FeyPax]

Yeah I had an ex that weaponised his autism and I’m autistic as well. I hate the idea that autistic people can’t be assholes because some definitely can.

[@elisr.6588]

I feel like it would have been fair if they just invited the kids close to the birthday kid but like the fact, it's the entire class but the autistic child is just so gross. TBH I don't get inviting the whole class anyway why the hell would you invite so many kids which obv not all gotta be close with bday kid. Just baffles me. Really the only way to do this in a non-harmful way would be just to invite the kids close to bday kid, and I assure they would have a much better time like that anyway ._.

[@nyandoesthings]

To be fair, at 10 years old a class of 15 is pretty close anyway. I went to a private school as well and we had around 15 or fewer kids in the whole middle school, and every person got invited to every party because we all knew each other. In high school or even eighth grade I totally agree with you though, usually you're separated into much smaller friend groups. Or maybe its just a public/private school thing and not an age thing, I don't know.

[@HinataElyonToph]

@@nyandoesthings I went to a private elementary school and not everyone did this, but some did. I certainly did. I didn’t really have very many friends, and maybe I thought this would get more people to like me, idk

[@charmiiex]

I feel like I’m really in the minority with the nacho story. not everyone can afford noise cancelling headphones and if there aren’t headphones there is not much else of a way to deal with an auditory sensory issue like that. I know I like to go to family events at restaurants even if I know I will probably get extremely overwhelmed because I like to see my family and catch up with them. I still believe OP isn’t the asshole for ordering the nachos in itself - the wife should have actually communicated why doing so would be a bad idea. I think this was just an unfortunate situation for everyone involved, and there wasn’t really an asshole. maybe a solution could be changing the type of function they were having from something related to food to something else? idk🤔

[@charmiiex]

(I am not actually sure how much a typical decent quality pair of noise cancelling headphones would cost but nonetheless there can be other issues regarding them like sensory issues relating to how they feel on the ears for example.)

[@oliviastratton2169]

I'm sympathetic to the noise issue, but complaining about the olives definitely seemed more controlling. Also, it's a restaurant. What happens if a stranger at the next table orders nachos? Is he going to ask them to order something else as well? I think food-related sensory issues should have been addressed before going out to eat. If he can't handle crunching sounds, than he or his parents should have suggested a different restaurant. Maybe Pho?

[@trixicenby999]

@@oliviastratton2169 Controlling? You don't know how bad food related issues can get don't you?

[@oliviastratton2169]

@@trixicenby999 Telling someone they can't put two types of food together because they come from different cultures? Yes. That's controlling. This wasn't a sensory issue for him, like the crunching. This wasn't food he was being asked to eat himself.

[@trixicenby999]

@@oliviastratton2169 If its controlling its unintentional/not a choice. He didnt ask to be upset about it, yet here we are

[@kathrynolivo8532]

I also have misophonia. I read that recently, researchers have considered that it may be a form of synesthesia. Essentially, your brain has crosswired your senses of sound and danger. So yeah, whenever I hear misophonic triggers, I go into fight or flight, and it's really hard to not snap at people.

[@FeyPax]

That’s interesting because I have both! That makes a lot of sense.

[@xoxorosequartz]

i also have both so it’s cool to see they are connected

[@MiriamTV2]

I had a relative who as a child had to eat behind a curtain at his school because he hated ketchup, like, couldn't see a ketchup bottle without having a meltdown. His parents always doted on him, and he was used to getting his way, and getting away with breaking his friend's, and his brother's friend's toys out of jealousy, and even being violent, without any consequences. But I think he had to learn on his own that it just doesn't fly as you get older. He is now the age of that BIL and is a total sweetheart! Kind, social, calm, lives on his own, even tries new foods at least once before deciding that it's not for him. I didn't get diagnosed till I was the age of the BIL, and I find it frustrating when I see people who are the same age as me or older being treated with silk gloves and never challenged or even asked if they would be willing to try something or be accommodating to other's needs. I understand that it might include some masking to do so at times, but for me personally, it's worth that energy sacrifice 'cause I know I'll be ok, and love to see my friends and family being carefree and have a good time. Like, who likes to move house? Not me, but it happens and I gotta do it. Can I also stick it out to help a good friend do it? Yes! Hopefully there will be move-in pizza involved, as well. What would have happened if the table next to them had ordered nachos? Would they be mad at them? Should perhaps the concept of fusion cuisine be explained when it comes to the olives? And like, I'm sure everyone heard that he ordered nachos, so why didn't the BIL protest or parents stop him? Hints can be hard for anyone to pick up, it's like they wanted the meltdown to happen. Best way to eat snacks is with chopsticks, btw. :D Might be hard if dip is involved, but you don't know till you try ~

[@Ireallywouldrathernot]

I kinda get the bad communication one, cause it sounds similar to what my family did. Basically my brother got diagnosed with autism when pretty young and I guess my Mum's way of dealing with it was to just give him anything he wants so he never learned that sometimes he has to be accomodating too. It's not just a thing neurotypical kids need to learn. I should know, I also got diagnosed later but because my autism didn't look like my brother's autism my Mum was just like "you're not autistic, you're just like that". I mean I guess having two kids with autism with conflicting needs would've meant that she'd have to learn to say no to my brother sometimes so she sure couldn't have that. I'm not going to get into the whole thing of what happened in the end but I haven't spoken to my brother in over a decade and the trauma still gets triggered a lot. And I mean triggered and trauma for real for real, I'm annoyed with the way the terms have been diluted so when I bring it up people think I just feel somethings a bit icky. so um... tldr, I think the girlfriend's family in that story need to realise that while autistic people need and deserve to be accomodated they are in fact also capable of adjusting to other people and don't need to be treated with kit gloves at all times. We are reasonable human beings and these conversations can and should be had with us too. EDIT: But yes, the nachos might indeed be that big of a deal but it sounds like the real problem isn't whether he can have nachos around the brother but that there are too many restrictions and also very poor/absent communication. The whole family needs to communicate better and include everyone.

[@shockthetoast]

With the second story, I wonder how much the BIL is controlled by his parents. The poster says the live stream must have been cancelled or something, but what if the parents just told him he was going anyways? He's been pulled away from a special interest, gone through a change of plans, been dragged to a location that's probably already not helping his misophonia. Even if the stream was cancelled, that's still a change of plans. All that may have already set him on edge. I can also see them telling him he dare not wear headphones and have his face in his phone all night. I just wonder if the parents may both be forcing him into these situations, and instead of learning how to accommodate for himself at all (something that would benefit himself), he's been taught to put that expectation all on others.

[@brambleheart]

About the present opening thing- my cousin and I are both neurodivergent. He has adhd and I have adhd and autism. Our birthdays are really close so we’d have joint parties, and we’d spend Christmas together. We are like brother and sister, and we’d share everything. When opening gifts, we’d often “help” each other by unwrapping the gift together. It was a way of sharing the excitement too. If David was having a meltdown about the presents, it could be because he had a similar system at home. I had to learn in the parties I did go to (since I was often excluded as well) that only the birthday kid gets to open their present unless they invite others. It could be that David didn’t learn that.

[@DE-GEN-ART]

ive had type 1diabeties since i was 4, and i was never allowed over for sleepovers because of my disease, having to take shots and the potential for something to go wrong, so nobodies parents would let me stay for any prolonged amount of time. thats just the world we live in

[@Elisa98438]

Dude could use ear plugs. That’s what I have to do.

[@joannedj1]

Surely it would have been a lot better, and less expensive, if the mother had just invited a few classmates to the boy’s party, ones who were particularly good friends to the birthday boy. It would have been a lot kinder, not just for the autistic child, but other classmates who weren’t particularly close friends but who would now be expected to buy this kid a present of some kind. When I was a kid, only a few kids would go to a birthday party, nowhere near the entire class! If you weren’t a particularly good mate with the birthday boy or girl, you didn’t really feel you were missing out when you didn’t get an invite to their party! Some effort should have been made to find out more about the previous meltdown and what may have caused it, so that any triggers could be avoided and the autistc child could attend successfully and have an enjoyable time.

[@Lady_Eleven]

When I went through a really bad burnout a few years ago, I developed misophonia, which I had never really had before. And I hated it so much, because I loved everything else about eating with my loved ones, and I didn't want to tell them and make them feel bad about their mouth noises but also, obviously, the misophonia was really distracting and upsetting to me. And I didn't like wearing headphones while eating myself because it made my own "inside" eating sounds seem louder and made it hard to watch tv (always a component of my usual dinnertime) I got lucky in that I figured out that if I wear my headphones most of the day, maybe because it reduces my built up "sensory exhaustion," after a while of being careful about that, my misophonia itself mostly went away and I could eat dinner without headphones. Now I just default to wearing the headphones as much as I can even when I don't feel particularly overstimulated just because that experience taught me that I'm carrying some sensory stress I'm not even aware of, well before it reaches a "crisis point," and I don't have to. I still probably should just be honest with the people around me about my misophonia but if I can deal with it on my own I'd rather, because many of my close loved ones have eating disorders and I don't want to create any negativity or self-consciousness around food if I can avoid it. Fortunately my misophonia is manageable enough to usually make that unnecessary. So I say all that to say that I do really sympathize with the BIL in the second story in terms of the misophonia itself, but it does seem based on the limited information we get that he's both being a bit inconsiderate as to what he can reasonably expect others to change about their own behavior and eating habits, AND that this isn't even working - either he's "weaponizing" his autism, or he's in significant distress most of the time even with his family tiptoeing carefully around him nearly all the time (OR also a distinct possibility - we are not being given an accurate depiction of the BIL's behavior by OP, but I'm operating on the assumption that the post is basically accurate because otherwise there's hardly a point in discussing it - but I want to be clear that I acknowledge that as a possibility), because OP notes that he always expects "drama" which means either he's exaggerating or the BIL is in distress pretty regularly. But yeah, I'm glad OP owned that his verbal response was a bad move, but I agree that he's not an asshole just for ordering and consuming nachos. But it seems like this whole family has some major communication issues and regardless of who is the asshole they all need to be in couples/family therapy or something.

[@sunniecolors]

I used to work at Chuck E Cheese, and once a month(I think?) on a Sunday, we would have sensory-friendly days where all the lights and sounds of the arcade games were minimized. Staff was technically supposed to be "trained" to handle special needs kids, but we weren't. I didn't know I was Autistic at the time but I remember really loving working those days.

[@fridamartins9834]

Thank you so much for this well-reflected presentation of -what I feel is- the absence of communication. In my youth I had a friend who actually felt uncomfortable around my other friends, so I mostly told them "Ok, the plan for my birthday is such and such, you are most welcome to attend, but if that doesn't suit you, we can do something according to your preference together another day." That worked well. If I myself feel uncomfortable about some event which I won't get past for some reason, I will bring a person of trust and enjoy it. However, I sorrily also know lots of people who never talk about the elephant in the room and try to walk on eggshells around everyone.

[@madberry]

Here is a good example of how different experiences on the spectrum can be. I need music loud. If it was possible, because I don’t have the room, I would put a PA in my living room. I use the loud music to be able to concentrate. So when I drive for instance the music is loud neighbors can hear me coming from a mile away. When I’m coding I have some funeral doom or death metal playing as loud as time allows. After 10pm I usually switch to headphones. I became a sound engineer and I used to DJ because of it. I regularly go to concerts, here I do use earplugs but the first song I always enjoy without them first.

[@rtj630]

I think it's ridiculous to tell people what they can and cannot order at a restaurant. If there are things that will bother others, pick a different restaurant so the offending item cannot be found on the menu. Also, why the hell was the family so cryptic about his needs? Why didn't he state them himself? Everyone's an asshole... and an idiot... here. Also, autism is not an excuse to be controlling or an asshole.

[@Lets_B_Unique]

The first one with David and party triggers me! I do not have autism I have am an ambulatory wheelchair user that watches this to learn about autism because I want to be in the know about my fellow disabled peoples. Anyway it triggers me because this happened EVERY SINGLE TIME when I was in Elementary school. My twin would be invited but I would never because of my disability. I hated elementary school I cried everyday I tried hiding my very visible disability because of this.

[@BubbleBunnyy]

The second one seems more like no one has ever taught that guy how to deal with his sensory issues. And like maybe instead of facing those issues his parents coddled him. It’s sad. This is why parents need better and more recourses to care for and understand their autistic children.

[@lieutenantwoomy3146]

For the nacho guy, I wouldn’t say he’s in the wrong as straight up nobody really told him. Like he said, he didn’t get any hints and if that’s the case then I don’t really think they told him in a clear way.

[@JennCampbell]

I think the nachos were just a TOPIC, and that opened the door to some big family issues. The husband admitted that he shouldn't have blown up. But I agree that there needs to be some compromise, no person should be allowed to have everything evolve around them, and throw a fit if it ever doesn't. I understand that neurodivergence is difficult, I deal with it myself. I hope the parents and sister can talk to BIL at a calm time, and things can become more equal, or at least clear. I also agree that it seems like his family just let's him do whatever, control them, and gets at least verbally abuse at times. Perhaps they feel into the trap of feeling sorry that he has a disability, and there didn't set boundaries, because they didn't think he was able to learn social and communication skills. I dates a guy who's little bro was dx "profoundly autistic." He bit people, pulled hair, reached his hands into other people's dinner plates. He had a tv in his room, but the living room tv had to be playing his show too. He bit his grandmother, and she tapped (not slapped) his hand and told him not to bite. He never bit her again. His parents were so guilty about him being autistic that they underestimated his potential. It was hard to watch. People should be held to the highest standard they can comfortably handle. Believe that disabled people can achieve and succeed!!!❤ The wife is DEFINITELY an a-hole for not being clear and expecting here husband to learn by osmosis or mind reading? If the chips were such a big deal SOMEONE should have CLEARLY explained the issue. No hinting, or pussyfooting around.

[@AuntMikie]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses to those situations. I'm an adult and it hurts when I'm not invited to something because they assume I won't want to go. I think we can all learn to do better. I learn everyday. I appreciate everything I've been learning from you. Thank you.

[@indigosaphire177]

An arcade would be too much for me as an adult.I recently was in vegas and felt overwhelmed by such... but that's for me to communicate! I know lots of flashing lights and noise is triggering to me. But having the choice of saying no I don't really want to do that is important! There are ways to help cope with things because ultimately I think the kid would remember more not being invited to events with his peers than being overwhelmed at a party. Being socially rejected all the time hurt me way more than any overstimulation.

[@Roanmonster]

Ugh the last one got me so badly. My brother has down syndrome and although I am aware that this cannot be cured or something, they have been enabling his behavior since he was a child. Most noticeably now when we have a family gathering of some kind he will constantly interrupt people and they will redirect their attention to them. I might be telling them about something difficult that happened or even some happy event that I am excited about and it just seems so.. careless. This must be awful for the wife from the post as well, I hope she is doing OK.

[@Stormbrise]

Well, I am autistic, and I grew up in the age of arcades. At least 1 dollar of my five dollar allowance went to playing at the arcade, after roller skating and a burger for dinner. I started off with pinball machines, to breakout, asteroids, centipede, to pac-man and then my favorite Mrs. Pac-Man. So she is the asshole. Something about the 8 bit sounds coming out of old arcade games was my adhd dopamine hit of the week.

[@BlueBeluga]

To me, the complaint about olives makes the situation make even less sense. It’s such a minuscule thing to complain about. They aren’t even eating it!

[@blackdragon620]

Something like that happened to me as well, in elementary school. I have Asperger’s, but back then nobody knew about it (my country is very small and we started learning more only recently). Most children and parents alike found I was strange and almost never invited me to parties. Children used to place invitation tickets on their classmates’ desks during breaks, and I remember feeling sad when my desk was the only one without it. I know I wasn’t entitled to be invited and never made a scene about it, but deep down it still hurt.

[@bluewisdomtriforce]

the thing about the second is that I do get the autistic guy I use to act a lot like that when younger. and well that sort of thing does unfortunately also make you unpleasant to be around. If you are not in a good enough state to handle sensory triggers then you need to either stay out of the situation(stay home, which seemed to be the plan in the first place) communicate the extra need for sensory accommodation in this instance. potentially have someone voice that for you(like the parents, or I suppose the sister, but she didn't actually do that she just hinted, due to something of the lines of "you should know you can't ever eat anything crunchy with him around") and if you don't have that knowledge or self awareness you need to practice that for your own sake too the lack of self awareness does also apply to op though, because when you know someone you loathe is going to be somewhere resulting in you having a bad time you too could just not go too. there is a huge difference between excluding/avoiding autistic people because they might be a problem and doing it because you know you experience will suck

[@natassiatavares4568]

I love this videos Megan! My impulsive ADHD brains just goes instantly to answer mode and doesn’t properly analyze half of what you do. I’m gonna add the “analyze this test like Megan would” on my to do list.

[@ennanitsua]

Thanks for clarifying about the phrase "high functioning." I didn't know that's a problematic phrase because it's thrown around so much. I appreciate the explanation!

[@_lyraspan]

thank you for highlighting the text as you read it - its so much easier to follow💜

[@Nick-hi9gx]

I have pretty awful misophonia. So I uhh...get up and walk the fuck outside like a grown ass adult. Mom is crunching? I might say "Oh god it is awful" and walk off. When the family has gone to bar environments I have stayed in as long as I could handle it, and then I go outside. I used to smoke so that was an easy excuse, but now I am just clear about it, I need to not be there. It isn't up to the world to cater to your needs. People who love you will accommodate you some, it would be nice if people were a little bit more understanding. But it is up to you, as an adult, to remove yourself from a situation that sucks for you. Not for the world to spin around you to make you comfortable.

[@boojersey13]

This INFURIATES me as someone who is literally happiest when at an arcade. My boyfriend had to practically drag me kicking and screaming (not literally of course)

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Exactly! People need to stop making assumptions!!

[@boojersey13]

@@imautisticnowwhat 100%!!! And I hate that at the end of the day I know the mom would say she meant well but oh man. She did not achieve anything well at all. The only outcome she reached is exclusion and ostracism!!! I'm heartbroken for the student involved in this story, and not even just the boy affected but the son of the OP as well because he has to grow up navigating life with a seemingly not-great role model for inclusion and equality raising him :( Edit: just realized that story made me so mad i forgot to keep watching the rest of the vid LOL time to continue >:)

[@romyjane17]

I get the struggle with being hurt/overstimulated by a partners stim. A compromise we sort of made, is the tone of his whistle. Because he usually whistles in a high, vibrating tone instead of the normal whistle tone, and the vibration makes my ears hurt, but the normal whistle sound is fine, so I ask him to switch tones. And when I’m not around (which is more than when I’m around because we live in different houses), he can stim as loud and vibrating as he wants.

[@writerious]

First situation: Way back in fourth grade (back in the neolithic when we rode our mammoths in the snow uphill both ways), I was the new kid in school yet again, undiagnosed asd and add, shy and socially awkward, and dressed in my cousin's out-of-date hand-me-downs, so you can imagine my level of popularity, One day on the playground, the most popular girl and her friends were all a-flutter and one called to me, "Hey, want to help plan Popular's birthday party?" Well, heck yeah! This sounded fun. So a long conversation ensued about what games to play and what food to eat, and near the end I asked, "When is the party?" Popular looked down her nose and sneered, "What makes you think YOU'RE invited?" So yeah, Ms. Mom, invite David. I know what the poor kid is feeling right now.

[@thefiletypeiswrong7212]

I experience misophonia, I do think there’s some steps the person who experiences misophonia can take to minimize their exposure to sounds that bother them. You can’t expect all sounds to stop, especially where those sounds are expected to be there, like at a restaurant. Headphones , headphones, headphones, literally the only medicine for misophonia that works lol

[@daffadilly]

Sadly, people always assume having difficulties in situations means you automatically wouldn’t want to be there when you are autistic. It is pretty abusive in my opinion to perpetuate exclusion and stigma onto autistic children because they grow into autistic adults that will suffer a history of that same neglect/abuse. My stepmom’s parents wanted to pay for a fully-paid Disney trip for me as a graduation gift as they wanted to take me and my stepsister as we graduated together. My dad and stepmom told them I wouldn’t want to go (as I had social difficulties obviously and was undiagnosed so they just considered me too antisocial,awkward and weird to be able to participate) and decided to take the graduation money I received as gifts towards college to go to Disney with my stepsister instead. I didn’t find out about them doing it until a few years later. This sadly was the reason my dad only ever threw one birthday party for me with other kids. He decided I wouldn’t enjoy it and no kids would come anyway…so no more birthday parties… I still don’t know how to cope and heal from this type of exclusion even decades later… to see similar situations happening in this story is heartbreaking 💔No child should have to feel this level of “othering”

[@deinodinosuchus]

The one with the brother in law us interesting because if he’s telling the truth, the fact that someone is upset because someone else has black olives on nachos is the equivalent of that age old analogy of yelling at someone else for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.

[@theuncalledfor]

Or telling people they're inferior human beings for liking pineapple on pizza.

[@deinodinosuchus]

@@theuncalledfor that too!!

[@writerious]

Second situation: Okay, I can't tell if BIL is totally coddled or if what the writer describes is just the way his autism presents. But what IS clear is that the letter writer needs to get a grip on that complete disdain with which he holds BIL (and he's not much better about the rest of his family), and educate himself about autism and misophonia. I have misophoia. Sitting near someone cracking gum, chewing with their mouth open, or too much crackling and crunching is complete misery. As a kid I got scolded or spanked for reacting to that and other sensory issues, so I had to hold it all inside and suffer in silence -- all those held-in feelings came out instead as unexplained rashes and digestive problems, and later as migraine. So ease up a little. Expecting BIL to "just get over it" and stop reacting is like -- well, have you ever tried to hold back a fart and just stop farting altogether? Yeah, it's like that. ETA:OTOH, it seems like communication is a HUGE issue in this family. The writer describes trying to time the dinner around BIL's TickTok viewing as a way to exclude him. The wife nudges and hints at him not to order the nachos, but doesn't come out and say, "Honey, don't order the nachos, let's order this instead.". I can't help but feel that the writer is being a little disingenuous when he says that he didn't know, given the context, and I sense a battle of wills between the writer and pretty much everyone else at the table instead of open discussion. Overall, the family is a mess, and everyone is wrapping their excuses for it around BIL and his behavior.

[@teddymercury-wm1qu]

😹LOL Nacho Problem! 💕I agree -- NTA, Nacho Problem!

[@isaiahsavage634]

As a person with autism who was forced to go to a very overwhelming 4 year old cousins birthday party when i was six and i got overwhelmed and punched one of his moms older friends and had to leave with out a goodie bag. Yes im still bitter. I agree with the mom in the first story

[@ChristineSG19]

Can you imagine David seeing the son give out invitations to every other child? I’ve had many birthdays where I didn’t invite every student but my mom would never let me do such a thing.😊

[@kingrix]

Homeboy in the 2nd one is totally NTA. I'm still learning about this stuff after being late diagnosed in my 40s, but it sounds like the BIL is PDA and his entire family has just been people pleasing to keep him from melting down. My personal misophonia is more about wet sounding mouth noises and loud open mouth chewing, but if I could not tolerate that at all I wouldn't be able to go to restaurants. I understand trying to be accommodating to a person's triggers, but people should still be able to eat foods that they enjoy. Maybe it's because I spent 40+ years learning how to deal with triggers before I knew I was neurodivergent, but it is not reasonable for a person to expect everyone to accommodate them at all times. The implication at the beginning of the story about the TikTok stream indicated that if the stream hadn't been cancelled the BIL would have stayed at home which implied that his support needs do not prevent him from staying home alone. He should have stayed home, but it sounds like his whole family has been letting him bully them with his disability for a long time.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Yes, if his wife had indicated that there was a specific problem and he had still done it he would have been TA, there may also have been a compromised solution where the BIL wears hearing protection and he orders the nachos without the olives. And honestly, what sort of monster orders olives on nachos anyways, olives don't belong on nachos. (That being said, a meltdown over that is not ideal) It's also possible that the 2nd person does have some autistic traits. If you're in a family that has autism, it's not unusual to wind up married into a family that also has those sorts of traits. I know that I did. My wife's quirks made a lot more sense when I met her extended family. It was like, oh, so that's why. She never had a chance.

[@kingrix]

​@@SmallSpoonBrigade Absolutely. I'm convinced that my ex-wife, her father, and her older brother are all undiagnosed. But it actually makes perfect sense to suggest that OP has some autistic traits because I never get "subtle hints" and get angry when people talk around an issue rather than being direct. Incidentally, I love olives and would eat them on pretty much anything... except maybe dessert.

[@oliviastratton2169]

What's weird to me about the BIL story is that even if OP hadn't ordered nachos, some other customer very well could have. I'm sympathetic to sensory issues. But if these noises are really that triggering for him, than he or his parents should have suggested another restaurant to begin with. Or he should have stayed home. Also, the wife should have been more straightforward instead if dropping "hints" or expecting OP to intuit her brother's food preferences. I've been vegetarian for 20+ years. My oldest friends still forget sometimes. It happens.

[@mattw.6726]

OP in the last story: "Oooh! They have nachos! I think I'll get those." OP's wife, probably: "I don't know, I think the steak will probably be better." OP, probably: "Nah, I'm in a nacho mood." [EXPLOSIONS] Wife: "I told you not to get the nachos!" OP: "WTF? You didn't say that!" Just...ugh. Say what you mean people. If you use indirect communication and the other person doesn't get it, IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. That's on you for not being clear!

[@nyandoesthings]

Someone mentioned that OP seems to have some autistic traits himself. Which would suck since (even though he wasn't ableist by ordering the nachos) he does seem to hold some ableist views based on how he talks.

[@callmeaprilroseorisha404]

agree