Cave Johnson Quotes from Portal 2 DLC

[@aclevername8399]

In one universe, Cave Johnson prevents Half-Life from happening. In another, he prevents the existence of GLaDOS. What a guy.

[@charliedulol]

well since there is an infinity of universes this had 100% chances of happening. eventually.

[@flaturiah]

Your profile picture confused the fuck out of me.

[@neuronoc.7343]

GLaDOS doesn't even exist as Cave appears to be in better health for most of the universes.

[@tragedyplustime8271]

Technically the best universe is Earth Prime, where nothing happens and GLaDOS never exists.

[@Ribbons0121R121]

wow

[@jacketylon]

"We are now canceling the GLaDOS initiative. Heh that could've backfired..." Tell me about it...

[@ahmed4363]

14:24 if you are looking for it like me

[@glados5844]

As much as I'd want to make a sarcastic remark, at least someone was spared.

[@Xploshi]

Cave still being under control of Aperture in the present day and solving the bankruptcy problem by finding a universe made of money is the best ending in the portal canon

[@coffeebug]

my god yes

[@tieguy8605]

Nice to find you here lol

[@Solongsocialmedia]

Hey why are you here?

[@CrabulousYT]

why do i see you everywhere every 1 out of 3 times i check comments you are in it

[@alexsiemers7898]

And also shutting down the GLaDOS program by seeing how it would kill everyone in another universe

[@Darkstar263]

JK Simmons was absolutely perfect for this role.

[@benderisgreat95able]

Every role.*

[@benderisgreat95able]

My best friend's father was a cop that gave off serious J.K. energy. I love it.

[@zedus1238]

The same guy who played J. Jonas?

[@alexsiemers7898]

@@zedus1238 yep, even in the MCU spiderman

[@chillpenguin3481]

he’s perfect for every role he plays

[@CoachIreland]

I'll bet that J.K. Simmons had a lot of fun in the recording studio lol.

[@realdonutking123]

i know i would have had a ton of fun

[@mrnukes797]

especially with omni man

[@Fred-xy9ch]

Cave Johnson: *buys Black Mesa and stops the resonance cascade from happening* G Man: "W-wait, that's... illegal."

[@zappy2000]

Hello worker of BLAPATURE MESA if anyone happens to see a creepy looking man in a blue suit who talks weird you can capture him and get a (megaphone sound) BONUS! (Megaphone turns off) And to anyone who captures this mysterious man you will also become worker of the year instead of that lazy jackass Gorden Freeman. That's all. GET BACK TO WORK.

[@Stranger-gl6ie]

Cave Johnson wanted to destroy house life manager house with lemon gun I fell like he is capable of stoping G Man lol

[@billcipher3180]

@@Stranger-gl6ie are you having a stroke my guy?

[@jimskywaker4345]

@@billcipher3180 this is canonical

[@lollovec]

The G-Man changed the timeline to put Caroline as his assistant, instead of Greg, causing the originaly timeline.

[@avocadotoast6369]

This is litterally some of the finest comedy put out on the whole internet

[@Penningtontj]

FEAR0226 It does require context from playing Portal 2, though.

[@FEAR0226]

Penningtontj True, I tried playing it for my friends, which had never played any of the portal games, and they were like: "Wtf, man?!"

[@Barrobroadcastmaster]

Never played a single Portal game or even Half-Life and this is hilarious. Also, pretty sure it's hilarious on multiple internets, because multiverse.

[@wilsonhiggbury4713]

Ironic pfp, proof of your low intelligence.

[@mrsonicblah1]

Wilson Higgbury He’s most likely an atheist and doesn’t believe magic is a valid form of how things come into existence in the age of science and reason? How does he have “low intelligence”? Maybe you should take the poker out of your ass before you insult someone?

[@Glitcher2000]

"And one more thing... I want pictures of Spider-Man!"

[@shadowrev2914]

If they would've made that reference, I would've shat myself.

[@ArcturusOTE]

Portal : Into the Caverse

[@hatti...]

J. Jonah Johnson here, reporting from the Aperture Bugle. I've just been informed that an entire tank of radioactive spiders were accidentally released near your test chamber. If you see one, do NOT let it bite you,unless you want to turn into some form of human spider. We already had to deal with mantis-men, scorpion-men, and lizard-men. We do NOT need a Spider-Man appearing in our testing facility.

[@hatti...]

J. Jonah Johnson again. apparently some idiot let one of the radioactive spiders bite him. Now he's crawling on walls and shooting webs everywhere, calling himself "Spider-Man". We're working on reviving the scorpion-men to put a stop to this menace before he shuts down the whole testing initiative.

[@YTIsRanByFeds]

In Lego Dimensions he briefly mentions that shooting spider silk out of your fingers or tailbone is a test.

[@firesauce9016]

"Use some common sense." Cave, you're the last person who gets to say that.

[@CanIHasThisName]

Keep in mind, different universes.

[@magicmasterplayer]

This Multiverse Cave might know common sense cause he could be a cave that isn't the game's cave

[@tetraxis3011]

Cave isn’t stupid, just insane.

[@NoriMori1992]

Considering that this is an alternate Cave who had enough common sense to cancel that research, apparently he _does_ get to say that 😂 There are at least a couple other alternate Caves who have more common sense than ours, such the one who talks about air ducts and the one who cancelled the GLaDOS project.

[@wolf25705]

"There are at least six extra-dimensional testers here now, and to be honest, they're not even really testing anymore. They just all portaled in, made a human pyramid, ate my lunch and portaled out."‎

[@JoelTrujillo]

20:02

[@LePLusCoolDesCools]

I have no idea why I find this one so funny. Probably because I'm imagining the scene XD

[@farkbett699]

@@LePLusCoolDesCools it's just so random and outta no where

[@LePLusCoolDesCools]

@@farkbett699 Yeah, but just imagine it happening XD

[@Ryvaken]

@@LePLusCoolDesCools Because they did what we're all thinking.

[@Taverens_Pull]

........wait.......so in an alternate reality, Cave Johnson went to save the president who is being held hostage at the bottom of the atlantic. I think we just got our premise for bioshock 4.

[@liateRdnalkcoB]

But there was no BioShock 3. Ken Levine specifically stated Infinite did not qualify as 3, and considering the plot it'd make sense to put it separate from the linear naming convention. And I mean, Irrational Games reduced and reformed as Ghost Story, so it's up to 2K Games to send such a project to another studio.

[@emetanti]

Cave Johnson here, still fighting those Big Daddies. Keep testing.

[@myfellowsonicfans7131]

MegaScience considering Infinite was kinda shit compared to Bioshock 2 I don’t care much that they might not work on another Bioshock were one to happen.

[@ember-brandt]

@@myfellowsonicfans7131 That's your opinion, and it's a bad one, just so you know. 🙃

[@FrahdChikun]

@@ember-brandt Ah yes, an individual who dislikes Bioshock 2 just because it wasn't developed by Irrational Games or written by Ken Levine.

[@Ellisepha]

"I'm the hobo king" is probably the best line I've ever heard JK Simmons say.

[@ItsOver900O]

"Attention test prisoners attempting to escape through the air ducts. I don't know what nonsense you learned on TV but in real life air ducts just go to the air conditioning unit. It's also pretty dusty so if you've got asthma chances are you're gonna die up there; and we'll be smelling it for weeks because again the air ducts aren't a secret escape hatch, they're how we ventilate the facility."

[@ryanlevis7532]

True statement

[@trollbreeder2534]

5:23

[@alienindisguise5546]

Chariots chariots

[@AceOfCrowbars]

Tell that to Gordon Freeman.

[@NotRemmyCormo]

You icon kinda fits the second half of the comment

[@wildhobbits489]

"Doesn't matter where you hatch a nest full of Gozillas, they just make a B line straight for Tokyo. Should of seen those things go." - FUCKING DIED.

[@mex1jvr]

same

[@jazzer396]

Like Tokyo did.

[@sircolt8184]

Man I love this should of meme. Still going so many years later.

[@twisted_nether373]

Huh, so this "should of" nonsense has been around for some time lol

[@xsct878]

should have*

[@MysteriousEnigmaZ]

Huh. The presence of the assistant, Greg, instead of Caroline saved Cave Johnson's life. He also seemed to have listened to Greg more than Caroline. I am calling it now. Portal's true hero was Greg, and his weird, little teeth.

[@Zeriel00]

Caroline was actually really talented and probably the reason Aperture succeeded. Also pretty obvious spoiler but she is turned into GLaDOS

[@bonjoviwankenobi8533]

He's a sad little man.

[@anthonyjones6870]

Nah I reckon Glados is actually greg

[@coyoots]

Greg is the best portal character

[@Ribbons0121R121]

his weird weird little gold teeth

[@Eira_]

I love all the alternate version of his welcome speech from the main game "Who's ready to make love to a giant bird?" is much better than "Who wants to make $60?"

[@knightofarkronia8652]

John Cena Official Actually, that line is an alternate version of "Who's ready to make some science?" I still agree with you though!

[@Ribbons0121R121]

honetsly id pay 60 bucks for the first option

[@VicerimusMortem]

@@Ribbons0121R121 bro?

[@zigfaust]

@@VicerimusMortem Chocobo's need love too.

[@Jackazz2ndGen]

@@Ribbons0121R121 You're messed up, bro.

[@Advent3546]

When he becomes a being of light, I can only imagine JK Simmons face superimposed over angelic light.

[@scientistdoggo]

I imagined the exact same thing

[@supermixiegold]

Scientist Doggo I would’ve imagined Grunkle fords face

[@Ribbons0121R121]

"our lord and savior cave johnson"

[@Reoko77]

@@Ribbons0121R121 Go team.

[@Spudtron98]

I imagine that the version of Cave that bought out Black Mesa did so because he was actually _good at science_ and therefore knew what he was doing. This meant that Aperture was successful and could get into a position to buy their biggest rival. And also that he knows what the fuck a resonance cascade is.

[@caroline8590]

Yeah!

[@wta1518]

Unfortunately Aperture's plan to sue volcanoes for patent infringement didn't quite pan out for them.

[@Smile-wd6rz]

@@NemoTheDreamO He is supposedly good at science because they do anything and see what happens. So at some point they found interesting things.

[@rhazortrhazort3003]

Black Mesa are professionals scientists that end up destroying the world cuz they meddled with Science way out of their league. Aperture Mesa has many genius and capable scientists with someone whose method of "Throw things at the wall and see what sticks" literally brought a company that made Shower curtains into a Science company that cared not for the what if and only cared about the Why not and end up displaying many bigger accomplishments than Black Mesa.

[@Predator20357]

@@rhazortrhazort3003 G-Man intentionally fucked up Black Mesa by introducing a crystal that was more than just the usual, and if we take into OF into account then he made sure the Nuclear Bomb did go off meaning all the research done there was gone forever. Even without OF, the government went full on kill mode on the scientists, killing guards and anyone who could’ve provided valuable research to what was going on after the Cascade ended, oh and G-Man also taken Gordon away. Based on the fact that they have a entire facility that studies these creatures, it’s safe to assume that they knew what was going on and it required a man that defies time and reality to fuck up what they were doing. They also were the ones that all provided a resistance to the combine. Aperture Science died probably being a laughing stock where they lost so much funding, they had to use their own employees to save on budget problems. Their repulsion gel had to be recalled as it was initially just a food product. Let’s also not forget they lost a big amount of research when teleporting a bridge full of their high tech stuff and having most likely all of their staff killed off or such due to their own invention. TDLR; They may invent cool stuff but they fail at everything else, the only point you have is the fact that a time stopping, reality warping man had to bring in a specific crystal to cause everything to happen.

[@SMAXZO]

So..there's one universe where GLaDOS doesn't exist because Cave listened in on an alternate Cave...neat.

[@callmefox630]

And one Alternate Cave has a world where he is GLaDOS. More like CaVeOS though.

[@xanatos8920]

...No, more like GLaDOS.

[@jcaskater]

yes it would still be GLaDOS

[@siramaytheshowgundragon]

AWWWWSSSOOOOMMMEEE i feel a weight lifted from my chest

[@Pomlithe]

Weird because he said "Chariots chariots." Implying that, on Earth Prime, GLaDOS doesn't exist.

[@Larry]

16:07 See if Cave Johnson was in charge of Black Mesa the entire events of all the Half-Life games would never have happened. What a guy!!!

[@wolfcl0ck]

It'd probably be worse, but I'd like to see it.

[@Datiel124]

Or it could have. He died maybe when during the time he owned black mesa. But you might be right His ownership over black mesa could have prevented what had happend. Maybe. Only if G-man wasn't there First of all, the incident mainly happened because of gman he switched the "Diamond" With a Xen Diamond whiched caused the zombies,vortigaunts and headcrabs to be made. But, if Johnson was the owner of black mesa there might have been a new expirement.

[@OnionChoppingNinja]

Assuming the G-man (or whatever / whoever he works for) isn't gonna pull some other nasty strings to get what it/they want...

[@boneygibbon]

Datiel124 I'm going to be straight up honest with you, that sounded EXTREMELY stupid, tho I do see your point. Also they were not 'made', they were teleported.

[@MrJoeyWheeler]

***** but in exchange, Black Mesa would fall into bankruptcy.

[@blitzo6320]

This makes Cave's "praying mantis DNA", "nanobots in the gel", "Invisible blood to gas laser" and a bunch of other weird quotes in the game make sense.

[@Sparkz1607]

After listening to this whole thing I am now hearing every word I read anywhere in Cave Johnson's Voice. Chariots chariots.

[@Camdavideogameaddict]

Garuu Spike ^ This guy XD

[@cavejohnson2728]

+Garuu Spike "Best voice you can read in"

[@JuliusUnique]

+Cave Johnson fake, you are not cave johnson cave would have said Chariots chariots and no Im not Cave

[@winsys3210]

+Garuu Spike Oh god Now I am too I JUST READ WHAT I TYPED IN HIS VOICE

[@theponydalek7923]

+Cave Johnson how do you feel about project R3649-REP

[@Cmmf_]

Regular Cave = Chariots Cave Prime = Chariots Chariots Dark Cave = Chariots Chariots Chariots

[@Ribbons0121R121]

me, 99% milk

[@benjaminmead9036]

No because 'regular' cave and chariot cave both said chariots so regular/prime cave goes to double chariots

[@Resi1ience]

Cave originally said "Chariots", but he realized there was an alternate cave who just randomly said Chariots before speaking. So he changed it to Chariots Chariots as a better codeword.

[@i-am-the-peas]

INF CAVE: CHARITOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[@camila_lt]

@@i-am-the-peas I don't know why I laughed at charitossssssssssssssssssssssssss

[@jkili4070]

This is incredible. I’ve never been so happy that there’s nearly half an hour of J.K Simmons talking through multiple realities.

[@vanishy0urself]

Mantis-Cave, while funny, is _terrifying_,

[@Lysterixus]

I think MantisCave is only great if you remember normal cave talking about mantis tests.

[@Alegriacaptions]

To MantisCave, he's fine. But those hybrid half mantis-half humans are pretty creepy and should be killed.

[@raijyn2452]

Wait, when did Cave become a mantis?

[@Alegriacaptions]

@@raijyn2452 no, no... In that alternate universe, everyone is 100% a mantis

[@Ribbons0121R121]

army of men men

[@notbrandon721]

16:08 Did he just stop half-life?

[@cryies]

Yes

[@notbrandon721]

Aperture Laboratories Thank you Mr. Johnson! Something tells me we wouldn't have seen the end of that disaster.

[@BuriedFlame]

Some would say we still haven't.

[@dschwamm]

He might have just stepped into Breen's role in the whole mess.

[@TristanJHorta]

Yes. At least in one universe.

[@LuisPerez-hm9yb]

for those who want to reference a quote: 1:20 - All hail the sentient cloud 2:26 - license to kill 3:00 - Aperture Rituals 3:13 - soylent green 3:30 - tap dancing 3:46 - robata cop 4:39 - walking faster than light 5:01 - Aperture space prison 6:27 - man mantis's 6:46 - space testing conspiracy 7:47 - Michigan slim Cave Johnson 8:13 - Greeks won WWII 8:26 - the lovely blark-barg 8:42 - stop blowing up heads 9:11 - ethnological redundancy 9:40 - Aperture president Doug Ratman 9:57 - mantis men 10:09 - weird one... 10:29 - Greg's creepy kid 10:57 - chariots Cave Johnson 11:42 - CaveDOS 14:36 - Aperture Paranormal 14:58 - Tiny test chamber 15:17 - Super-max-lantis 15:38 - alien communists 16:02 - meow meow meow 16:08 - Blaperture Mesa 16:31 - so salty 16:55 - Alternate Caves 17:05 - invaders from earth 1 17:45 - attack of the killer ants 18:04 - sick timmy 18:17 - Cavennah Johnson 18:44 - peanut dust 18:50 - Dark Cave Shenanigans 20:42 - Godzilla attacks 21:02 - Big box Cave Johnson 21:24 - More Dark Cave Shenanigans 22:26 - subliminal propaganda 22:51 - And more Dark Cave 23:22 - wasteland Cave 23:41 - planet Cave 24:12 - money-verse and Dark Cave

[@DrMessed]

Thanks man

[@willpow05]

Wait did he mentioned the actual doug rattman?? Aslo what does he mean about him???

[@shaunkoogler8827]

M

[@shaunkoogler8827]

@@willpow05 yep

[@SAVG4004]

You’re the best

[@TrevorTiger]

Aw, man. If parallel universes existed, I move a petition for Cave Johnson to become Supreme Testing Overlord of the multiverse.

[@theevilwheatleycore3384]

***** I third, lol

[@random3857]

If parallel universe *exist* * they might exist but so far they are just theoretical mathematical equations.

[@TrevorTiger]

hampus nilson Multiple Universes- Possibly Fiction Cave Johnson- Also fiction. Wait a minute.....Scrap the petition, guys. I now move for Cave Johnson to become Supreme Fiction Overlord

[@random3857]

Trevor Tiger Parallel Universes/Alternative Realities are theoretical mathematical equations. - And as you might remember Earth being a sphere was aswell a theory, not sure whether if it was a mathematical one or just a general theory. The thing is multiple universes was a running theory long before Portal was even invented and they merely utilized the theory to 'spice' up the game. So almost all things that are known as 'fiction' are coming from reality. ''Truth is stranger than sci-fi''.

[@readitbeatit4331]

Thy do exist we just Dont have the technology to travel to them

[@dracojester2971]

IF half life 3 actually comes out, valve better put in mantis man enemies

[@kingarthurpendragon134]

"Cave Johnson here, the Mantis Men and the Antlions have formed a blood pact with each other and now are working together to try and kill you."

[@Ayahuasca98]

If hl3 comes out there better be cave Johnson quotes in the Borealis

[@NotRemmyCormo]

Antlions?

[@kingarthurpendragon134]

@@NotRemmyCormo the bug monsters from half life 2

[@NotRemmyCormo]

King Arthur Yes, those are the antlions.

[@RazorFoxDV]

Gawd, that bit about how "light doesn't haul nearly as much ass" breaks me every time!

[@boppertron4929]

"If you insist on travelling faster than light, you will start to go back in time."

[@NoriMori1992]

"Don't make me call the dance police." This shit is why I love Valve. Their writers are the bossest of them all.

[@tristanneal9552]

"We're all very proud of Greg. ... ...... Oh and you."

[@jacobburt1523]

Welcome to Aperture Justice! Functionally extinct aliens, amazon warrior princesses, emotionally stunted billionaire playboys, you're here because you've got cool powers and a strong sense of justice and we want you to use them to protect the world from evil. Now you all met each other on the space shuttle ride up here so let me introduce myself, I'm Cave Johnson, I'm in charge, I also wear an eyepatch even though I'm not missing an eye, I just think it looks cool.

[@dinadina2000]

Ah yes the DC version

[@Maetch01]

But anybody who got their powers from any sort of irradiated insect, I recommend you get the hell out of my space shuttle. I don't want you menaces on my payroll! I'm already up to my two-toned sideburns in Mantis-Men as it is, and cigars are expensive.

[@sethleoric2598]

Good evening agents, welcome to Aperature Intelligence! Smooth talking alcoholics, grizzled amnesiacs, good looking child soldiers, you're all here because you want to steal nuclear armanaments from some hidden volcano lair! Now you've all met each other on the elevator ride over here so let me introduce myself, i'm Cave Johnson, i'm the director around here and i have this cool little grappling hook! Whoops i just hit Greg..

[@SergeiTheAnarch]

This is far beyond comedy gold. Comedy Platinum?

[@movedtocyboygaming3842]

Comedy diamond?

[@bjgeantil]

Comedy Pink Star Diamond? pink star diamond is the rarest diamond

[@TheRealPeculiarReality]

+bjgeantil Comedy White-Point-Star Diamond? After all, there's only one in the world...

[@barnstormer546]

I'm late, but why not Comedy Moneyverse?

[@donutjamesjr9375]

+Shrewd _GC Comedy moon rock

[@StickBreightley]

ALL HAIL THE SENTIENT CLOUD

[@Samookely]

ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD

[@camrengriffiths6642]

NO NO it came under the door! it's leeching off all skin AGGH click excerpt there from one of our safety videos.

[@cavejohnson3265]

I will not Hail anyone Sir

[@camrengriffiths6642]

+Matthew R No no it came under the door it's leeching off my skin AGGH

[@cavejohnson3265]

Dont Worry. the Cloud is ment to do that. That is our Flesh eating Cloud have fun testing.

[@PineapplePineapplePineapplePin]

"The cloud doesn't like his picture taken." *"SO INSTEAD GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER MAN!"*

[@ChilupaKing]

Ha! About time...oh, hey there, my faithful test subject. Its me, Cave, and guess who just had a resonance cascade? Yep, you guessed it. Black Mesa just turned into a scientists worst nightmare...for them anyways. How they managed to pull this off, I have no idea, but they are not recovering from this anytime...Greg, what happened!? What, a rocket...okay, apparently someone launched a space rocket from Black Mesa and it landed right here in the employee's parking lot. I just thought the immense shaking was from sector A-2 and their testin on the Earthquake Initiator. Just be glad your here at Aperture, test subject. All the ones who transferred to Black Mesa are probably having their heads eaten by space crabs as we speak. Chariots chariots.

[@ChilupaKing]

***** Hmmm, yes. This new religion has been boggling my mind for the past couple of years. Who would have thought that a show made for little girls would appeal to older men. Greg, whats the name for them...ah, bronies. You can count me out of this Cult, but it makes for a fascinating study...no, Greg, you can join them. Chariots chariots.

[@cokiemix]

***** I can't read

[@igmantis]

chariots chariots! I hate to inform you, but in this universe you are a youtube channel. And you can't fire us anymore. Oh, and by the way I'm stealing chariots chariots.

[@igmantis]

Igmantis#chariotschariots

[@ChilupaKing]

What!? Greg, these reports were supposed to be classified...what do you mean "The outside world and Universes should hear the reports"? Of course they shouldn't...these are meant for OUR employees only! Just because WE defeated the Mantis Men doesn't mean there aren't any in ALTERNATE dimensions, cause I bet you all my teeth that they are reading these...no Greg, that is NOT an actual bet. Oh well, I guess we can see this as a test. Seems to me they are at least ENJOYING these reports...so that means...all of youtube's viewers are my unemployed test subjects? Greg, your BRILLIANT! Looks like the Google Plus ploy we installed is pulling through better than we planned! So YOU (my unemployed test subject) can sit back and watch more propaganda and brain washing videos to your hearts content. Chariot chariots.

[@optimusprime209]

well, that explains why there's no Half Life 3, Cave stopped the project from the first game.

[@TheLowBrassDude]

Probably the smartest thing Cave ever did.

[@articusramos808]

Until a few weeks ago

[@drneotech7254]

16:21 You know they’ve done something dumb if Cave Johnson tells you to play it safe

[@robertlupa8273]

I mean, you can't really continue testing if the Earth is destroyed, so...

[@NoriMori1992]

This is an alternate Cave though, not our Cave. Our Cave doesn't have a lick of common sense, he would've pushed that research straight through 😂

[@borkinsmcborkbork807]

"I am the hobo king."

[@redninja0078]

*Harmonica solo*

[@MrsMapleMoth]

You cannot tell me hearing Cave say that is not one of the funniest things ever

[@theextracrispycolonel9502]

"I will now read the entire literary canon of the human race" *BOOP BOP BEEP* "done. continue testing."

[@aionicthunder]

12:33

[@demi-femme4821]

Jesus fuck no wonder Caroline and Wheatley went insane. That mainframe is a disaster waiting to happen, Cave Prime was right to cancel it.

[@UnsightlyMuse]

Cave Prime found a Moneyverse! Stan Pines would be proud… Edit: J.K. Simmons voices two enigmatic science fanatics with opposite personalities.

[@corruptedplayer]

actually Cave Prime isn't the Cave from the singleplayer story, greg is a cut character

[@memememe609]

Cave Prime literally succeeds at everything lmao, that's the point

[@TheLowBrassDude]

Now that JK Simmons plays Dr. Stanford Pines this makes almost too much sense.

[@linkwinters9560]

its a dream come true

[@lillyabbott2052]

Way too much sense. XD

[@nadea5680]

Yep

[@AbsolXGuardian]

I love how you included Dr. He's like a doctor times 12 (one for each finger).

[@TheLowBrassDude]

Well he said he had a few Phd's. It would be rude not to.

[@ember6088]

Holy shit. Dat 9:30 though. Alternate dimension where Doug Ratman is the CEO of Aperture Science? Is everyone just brushing past this?

[@names3904]

He’s younger

[@willpow05]

Wait really what about rattman!!???

[@sclint1427]

9:40 is a better time bit Yeah why is no one talking about this?!

[@candarus_collective]

yeah hi I know this comment is 5 years old but NOBODY bothered to tell me this was a thing and I'm losing my MIND over it

[@datguyuno98]

Ah yes, let's have the insane schizophrenic run a company 😂

[@themagicnerf]

(Heavenly Music) "Cave Johnson here, after decades of research and testing, we have finally transformed into beings of pure light. Go team. Not exactly what we were after, of course, but in the ballpark. So let's keep testing, and maybe someday we'll achieve man's ultimate dream: to evolve into pillars of pure salt. Can't wait. So salty." I DIED

[@theeclipsemaster]

(Bible flashbacks)

[@pofict]

Cave here. I've just been informed that this universe's Cave, and the entirety of this universe's Aperture Science, is nothing more than an idea for a video game based upon the portal system. What do I want you to do about this? Well, if you see a man named... uh... let's see here... Greg? [mumbles] Right, Gaben. If you see a man named Gaben, tell him that he better like to pack, because he's gonna be doing a lot of it once he's fired. Continue testing.

[@RedSilencer]

nicememe/10

[@theguythatasked6400]

He didn’t say chariots twice. FAKE conspiracy theory.

[@Alegriacaptions]

They really should have done that

[@iconredesign]

I have a feeling that Greg is really the Pyro.

[@RandolphDuk]

What makes you think that

[@RealFennecFox]

He is.

[@siramaytheshowgundragon]

Luna Chase head cannon

[@brandonf4657]

Greg was originally gonna be the assistant who played Caroline's role in portal 2, but valve decided against it.. its neat that he still made it in the multiverse tho

[@Ribbons0121R121]

it would make sense

[@pickletoast3599]

Anyone else want multiple hours of cave Johnson quotes to put on loop for the day?

[@DrakeyC]

Do you think they actually wrote out these lines, or sat JK Simmons down in front of a microphone and said "okay just go, we'll pick out the best parts later"

[@caseywellington4761]

I would bet some of these are improvised, but I think Valve's writers are clever enough to come up with these.

[@emetanti]

@@caseywellington4761 Probably some middleground and they gave him a list of ideas and work with it, not a proper script.

[@Danny-tf3fd]

I like to imagine it's the latter.

[@UKman945]

If I where to guess the actual story and multipart ones where Valve writers and the one off funnies where probably JK Simmons improv

[@wheatley7587]

Doors made out of paper DO sound like a good idea, when you think about it.

[@coliimusic]

Wheatley Yeah they're cheap and practical if you layer them/cement them properly.

[@AvalynTheAccursed]

... Yeah. Lez do it!

[@conorfahey4531]

Cough*Asian sliding doors *Cough

[@crowfeathers]

Wheatley uh...no

[@amanonplanetearth78]

+Captain Flare Gun ಠ◡ಠ he is not a moron

[@MsStrife1]

“Soylent green is.... doubling in price!” 😂

[@man3son1]

I don’t care how good human tastes, It’s costing more than lobster.

[@VarunVijayV4run]

It's weird how I feel like J.K. Simmons's Cave Johnson voice sounds exactly like a mix between Buzz Lightyear and Woody.

[@Lexilove2016]

Looks like him too

[@thewoollyviking5928]

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to S.H.E.I.L.D. Super soldiers, Gamma Giants, and Norse Gods. You are here because we want the best, and you are it. I am Cave Johnson, I bought the place. Now who wants to fight some Mantis men?

[@DealsFS]

Should have said spidermen

[@Altair2000]

“That’s right. You’ve been bought”

[@majorbruhmoment5711]

When you listen to half an hour of cave johnson so you start making cave johnson fanfiction

[@lordjaraxxus5418]

also... Get avengers on the phone. We have to talk about this "Spiderman" and his messing up of Manhattan. My AU self has a load of dirt on the guy and we can get millions in legal winnings. This would be enough for us to buy Black Mesa in Another Universe.

[@Lexilove2016]

I feel like a marvel and Portal crossover would be amazing.

[@stratifacations8377]

Cave Johnson is the only guy cool enough to react to successfully becoming a being of pure light with, "Go team" but then complain that its not what he was aiming for but it's close enough

[@mettatong6956]

There's an alternate universe where Cave Johnson stopped Black Mesa? Wow.

[@AsrielDreemurr56]

Also one where Cave can play harmonica.

[@DaveLH]

And one where Caroline is some bird-like alien creature called Blark-Barg.

[@TheStrikeofGod]

My favorite has to be "Michigan Slim Cave Johnson"

[@strifeknot]

(harmonica) I'm the hobo king.

[@bakedandsteaked]

He said this as I was reading this

[@theone-tg4ey]

Lul

[@leoisforevercool]

I love how his dialogue engages your imagination to make the lore seem endless and layered

[@LPBelligerentsGaming]

16:08 Holy shit... just... holy shit...

[@Malice197]

Wait... WHAT!?

[@MrTwhispers]

I know, right??? I almost died when I heard that!

[@Zereul-MedikatedTurnip]

hey black mesa did put the world in doom

[@thegrizzly9740]

kazumazkan what about the left 4 dead super virus?

[@Zereul-MedikatedTurnip]

Nicholas Blauvelt who knows who is responsible for that......

[@comet-ribbon]

Cave Johnson will be in Disney's "Zootopia". Must be one of the alternate Caves.

[@winsys3210]

+Robert Jindra Really? Now I'm imagining something weird... "Hello test subject, as it turns out, a group of elephants and giraffes have taken over an Aperture building. That is all. Chariots Chariots."

[@d_the_great]

+Robert Jindra Heh.

[@NoriMori1992]

+Robert Jindra They're all alternate Caves.

[@TheScarletMercenary]

+Robert Jindra I just saw that movie! Dammit I keep on thinking of Cave Johnson every time i watch Lionheart on screen!

[@Opcode_]

Chariots chariots. Greg tells me that it's possible that an alternate universe exists where everyone is an animal. That should be fine, but in case these people-animal-freaks want to put you in some sort of zoo display, just remember that you have the whole of human evolution on your side. You should be able to figure something out.

[@arogustus3984]

10:09 This one is my favourite, if only because, despite apparently being some guy saying creepy shit in a cave or leaky room, he still has an assistant to keep him on track.

[@worcestershirey]

Do you think they didn't give him a script, and just let him rip? They then made the DLC based off of this

[@Ribbons0121R121]

honestly why are you even questioning this? of course they did, its jk simmons were talking about here!

[@noblexenon2147]

You should rename yourself killjoy because you really like stomping on humor

[@bananaman6046]

nobleXenon OOOOOHHHH SHIT! THAT WAS LIKE A GOOD ROAST!

[@AugustusBohn0]

some of it, probably, but I wouldn't discredit valve's writers either.

[@breezysilver7873]

Popoolp

[@penitentpaladin9373]

*"Could you pay me in advance for the test?"* *wheeze laughing*

[@ic0nic707]

"Cave Johnson, new owner and CEO of Black Mesa. That's right, you've been bought." god i love that line

[@ZheninehZ]

Audio: *_"... that creep Doug Rattmann..."_* Captions: *_"... that bastard Doug Rattmann..."_*

[@theonejackal89]

Phirnyne [aka Bro2494] Still works.

[@ember-brandt]

@@theonejackal89 ^ *How dare you insult the greatest background hero of all time.*

[@Altair2000]

That universe had Doug and cave switch bodies

[@willpow05]

@@Altair2000 how switched bodies??

[@Ribbons0121R121]

yes

[@CringePotato]

I cannot watch Gravity Falls without hearing Cave...

[@OTDinosaurScrubs]

I cannot watch Portal without hearing Ford...

[@ChristLover53]

I cannot eat cookiedough... because I don't have cookiedough.

[@CringePotato]

ZeppieDragon I cannot exist without existing

[@ChristLover53]

+NEBB JJ Haha

[@s128056]

+OTDinosaur Scrubs I know the feels man

[@Snardbafulator]

How many classic (and not so classic) science fiction films is this riffing on? Let's try to count them: The Deadly Mantis, Them! (giant ants), Soyulent Green, Scanners (exploding heads), Robocop, Godzilla, Mad Max (Who is ready to rule the wasteland?), Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Ghostbusters, Fantastic Voyage (miniaturized scientists traveling in a bloodstream submarine). These are the old school ones I caught, anyway ... And this is not including all the video game references ...

[@jaysonklein6018]

Snardbafulator Planet Cave Johnson = Ego, the Living Planet?

[@jaysonklein6018]

Snardbafulator oh, also you forgot The Shining (creepy little girl), Logan's Run (Getting killed off if you're "too old"), and They Live (Sunglasses and Subliminal messaging).

[@Snardbafulator]

Nice catches ;)

[@eduardopupucon]

the cave johnson woman part is a reference to Sexmission

[@danny_cookie]

"First: You're a damn good cop. Second: You're a loose cannon." Is Cave Johnson the Heavy in a different universe? >.>

[@StilvurBee]

i'm 99% sure that's a referance to a movie... unless there's a reply that says that and youtube just decided not to show them

[@EarFarce4]

Steakee It's a reference to every stereotypical cop show/movie/drama from the 70s-90s.

[@Resi1ience]

It's a quote from RoboCop I'm pretty sure.

[@HaxxorElite]

@@StilvurBee OwO?

[@StilvurBee]

@@HaxxorElite perish

[@liberonscien]

This thing actually had a plot. Wow. Edit: Seven years later and I’m still revisiting it. I love it.

[@lonecolamarine]

Hearing these lines, it's no wonder the TF2 comics are so hilariously crazy. Valve needs to make their own games again. I wanna see more of this comedic-dystopia style writing.

[@theponydalek7923]

Who's ready to take some pictures of spider man?

[@random3857]

Good news is that somebody is going to be taking alot of Pictures of you....

[@Taverens_Pull]

just go to your uncles car, you'll know when the test starts.

[@SnappyPenguin566]

I can't, I'm running for mayor of Zootopia.

[@taylord5381]

+SnappyPenguin566 i'm trying to find a way to defeat Bill Cipher.

[@iamtenzin4409]

Can't. Got Airbenders to train.

[@Andoryu4]

Aperture brought Black Mesa! Finally, the war is over between who is better! (Aperture is better anyway.)

[@ApertureScienceInnovators]

Good choice.

[@siramaytheshowgundragon]

Aperture Laboratories yahh

[@damonnugent1993]

We do what we must. Because we can.

[@alexanderscott2456]

No rush for funding. No eminenence cascade. No end of the world.

[@LambdaShitpostHeaven]

Work Safe, work smart, your future depends on it.

[@andrewkvk1707]

I've listened through this more than I've touched the dlc.

[@rafaelhines1178]

@FlowMec Go YEAH

[@jackek96]

I was genuinely laughing when hearing this, great voice work!

[@atsirdsart7386]

"First, you're a damn good cop. Second, you're a loose cannon" reminds me of the TF2 quote "You're a loose cannon, Sandvich, but you're a damn good cop!"

[@caseywellington4761]

Not a coincidence. Valve is the king of self-referencial humor.

[@dankmeme2756]

Reminds me of every cop movie ever

[@Jakki_G]

Due to the fact that it's the same voice actor and he's telling me about jumping through universes all I can hear is great uncle Ford pines

[@eternal-yp6mi]

The little demon that lives in his mouth... After the events of The last Mabelcorn on Gravity Falls that quote makes so much sense.

[@kylerbelshaw1465]

Oh my-

[@CodeeXD]

I figured it was a reference to Tony from the shining

[@gman987]

So, who's ready to make love to a giant bird?

[@zergscaper4714]

Well, I got to admit, Big Bird is pretty Sexy.

[@jenya-was-here]

GLaDOS' worst nightmare lol

[@ScruffySFM]

I literally heard cave say that right as i read the comment

[@SYFY-li4cz]

Me

[@roguishpaladin]

Is this an IASIP crossover?

[@dragonias6725]

Man I honestly cannot believe that the developers wanted to make this guy the main antagonist 😂

[@ARandomSpace]

I actually kinda like Cave as a good guy.

[@tunesfromthefog9379]

The feet one is creepy. Is that Cave going crazy from prolonged exposure to moon rocks? Lol

[@UnsightlyMuse]

10:31 A kid? A kid who knows about science/testing? A kid who sounds the age of someone who is brought to Bring Your Daughter To Work Day? 10:50 it’s a girl? And she’s one of those typical creepy, strange, emotionless (probably) geniuses? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? It’s an alternative version of Chell?! She’s the daughter of Greg?!

[@masicbemester]

holy shit nice catch

[@rainydeestar]

Isn't Chell mute

[@alexsiemers7898]

@@rainydeestar I’ve heard she’s just too stubborn to talk to GLaDOS or Wheatley, don’t quote me though

[@rainydeestar]

@@alexsiemers7898 I just checked the wiki "Wolpaw has commented a few times that Chell simply won't give GLaDOS the satisfaction of a response, but he doesn't intend that theory to be taken seriously"

[@iabgunner8701]

it wouldn't be alternate universe because cave Johnson said "chariots chariots" right?

[@Romanji]

This is part of why i love valve. The allowance of this kind of humor is necessary in the gaming scene

[@mattbritzius570]

Oscar winner JK Simmons. Well deserved.

[@Samookely]

So is the guy voicing cave Johnson the same guy who voices Ford from Gravity falls?

[@linkwinters9560]

I know this is late but yes it is

[@Samookely]

Angeles Freeman oh cool :D

[@hylianchriss]

+I like nice cream Just started season 2 the other week and I freaked out when I heard Ford speaking! So awesome! xD

[@Samookely]

hylianchriss ikr! It's so cool

[@ChristLover53]

I know right?! It's so cool!

[@thedorgon9682]

Just so you’re wondering, 18:51 is where the battle between Cave Prime and Dark Cave starts

[@ItsAnH]

5:38 I see what you did there, Valve.

[@99999bomb]

I don’t get it

[@reptiliannoizezz.413]

@@99999bomb Considering the comment is from too long ago to be an Among Us joke, I think they're referring to how in games like Half-Life you sometimes travel thru airducts

[@ItsAnH]

@@reptiliannoizezz.413 Yep

[@mnicolas9742]

24:30 as someone from Argentina, the "peso-verse" it's just hilarious 😂😂😂

[@fyreblazters]

This bois just predicted everything would go wrong

[@kirill9064]

Russian subtitles replaced pesos with rubles

[@reptiliannoizezz.413]

Un universo de pesos mexicanos, con Cave Johnson mexicano doblado por Humberto Solorzano 🤣🤣

[@AgentMS]

@@kirill9064 oh no

[@DogeickBateman]

@@kirill9064 Uh oh

[@lunastern4900]

11:42 Aperture Desk Job Cave... probably...

[@studhouser6969]

16:30, Cave Johnson saves the world from the Combine.

[@thedeviousduck8027]

HELL YES

[@Evanswift]

“You’re in a universe where light doesn’t haul nearly as much ass as it does in ours” Such a perfect line

[@ThinkyBoi42]

So, after hearing CAVeDOS’ rant, our “Chariots” universe cave decides to not do the GLaDOS experiment. The playable character, and by extension, us and prime earth, don’t have to worry about any of that neurotoxin biz. Add on that money universe, and cave can get away with almost anything. Hooray?

[@gigirobinson7342]

I listen to this once a week. it is hilarious.

[@acs197]

I was blown away by the second half of Portal 2. Love all the Cave Johnson recordings, lol.

[@PlanetBobstar]

I love when Dark Cave just refers to himself as "Evil Cave" once. It's like an intentionally lazy script slip-up

[@hatandhoodie_]

I love how exponentially chaotic this gets over time.

[@DaBirdman1995]

6:27's gotta be my favorite

[@gustajuy5983]

Cave Johnson here, It’s just been told to me that this is the best video on KZbin. Ever. Not something that Dark Cave can say about his universe huh? Chariots chariots.

[@shmoriy]

He's instantly one of the best voice actora ever. brilliant.

[@imapotato.760]

Hearing all of Cave Johnson's quotes without even knowing about the DLC make me think about what the heck is going on in there and made me think that they're is more people doing similar things to that of the test subject whom is hearing Cave Johnson's recordings.

[@basedimperialism]

Imagine if the story writer for Fallout New Vegas and the dialogue writers from Valve teamed up to make a video game.

[@arrowtongue]

9:57 FTL in a nutshell

[@bonjoviwankenobi8533]

I have nothing witty or insightful to write, but I want to say that I like this comment.

[@robertrobertson4181]

What's ftl

[@frostlord1246]

​@@robertrobertson4181FTL: Faster Than Light is a pretty fun rogue like. I highly recommend it