Portal 2 - All Cave Johnson Quotes

[@Darkstar263]

"We're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks" Perfectly sums up Aperture with all the random experiments they performed.

[@АндрійЛотиш-ф4х]

"No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing."

[@jonathanwells223]

Darkstar263 that’s probably why they went bankrupt

[@matthewlys48]

"Science isn't about why, it's about why not!" my favorite one.

[@thefidgetstore4652]

And true.

[@republicofengineers1983]

It's inspirational

[@ultrixsoma2736]

*hwhy

[@bribishop267]

Mine is lemons

[@Mag0lor]

Lemon is my favoret

[@Eira_]

"In case you got covered in that repulsion gel here's some advice the lab boys gave me **flips through notes** DO NOT GET COVERED IN THE THE REPULSION GEL"

[@sunnyfields1845]

"Repulsion Gel is the company's first attempt at a dietetic pudding substitute. The gel, a bright blue color, is said to be a sweeter, slightly less non-toxic form of fiberglass insulation."

[@beavermuffin]

Eira I don’t get it.... what happenes if I get covered in it like I did in Chapter 6.

[@Mac14329]

You said 'the' twice.

[@iwannaendthepain]

In case you failed the exam, here's my advice: "DO NOT FAIL THE EXAM."

[@quinn941]

@@beavermuffinThe joke is that he’s about to give advice for in case they got splattered by the gel (because at the time they didnt know how safe it was) but instead issues a simple warning not to get covered in it, which is both belated and useless if it were to actually happen.

[@sezunemizuhana3870]

Whoever wrote this dialogue is a Genius.

[@prastistransformers89]

*monologue

[@theplaguedoctor142]

Valve was like that once upon a time…

[@erikpng]

@@theplaguedoctor142 I mean they still got the funny dialogue with Half-Life Alyx and Aperture Desk Job

[@ProXYOneCreations]

J.K. Simmons is the best

[@liamdude5722]

ProXYOneMusic He really is a treasure.

[@lukemiller4723]

amen

[@zhengwenyu1587]

He absolutely nailed the "loud quick talking boss" characters.

[@blurryeye882]

the way Glados responding to Cave's lemon quote melted my heart. She was so excited and joyful as if he was still alive and it hurt me dearly

[@zacharyangelis6543]

It’s what I feel like knowing portal 3 will never happen

[@trial_with_an_error9687]

Caroline really was Cave's greatest hype man wasn't she? She really was a gem...

[@ProfessorGopher2030]

With the absolutely ABSURD amount of health code and safety laws this man was violating, I am truly bewildered as to how his company didn't get shut down and how he didn't get arrested.

[@supersaiyancommenter]

1970's.

[@thesaltgod]

There are signs around the place that say that if you see certain people (i.e. an OSHA Inspector), you were to report it immediately. It's likely anyone who did try to shut them down was... "dealt with".

[@zennvirus7980]

@@thesaltgod Or made to do some Testing. Why waste valuable HR? 2 Birds with one Science Stone!

[@xXUnhingedDevXx]

He died from moon rocks before he could get arrested

[@slaydezero2658]

60s-70s

[@unterbawr]

"...anyways, don't stress yourself thinking about it. Im serious. Visualising the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction." LMAO imagine hearing that

[@Queencordelia]

:> ops I was stressing way too much

[@C_Papi]

11 minutes of voiceovers and still better than 90% of characters in anything plot ive ever heard.

[@Austeja608]

390th like

[@ctons]

Austėja ok

[@lupewholes8939]

"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, MAKE LIFE. TAKE THE LEMONS BACK. GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?" "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS!"

[@lucystewart29]

Burning people, he says what we're all thinking!

[@danielmclatchie2053]

True story, I actually motivated someone with this quote

[@ToxicHoneyBadger]

I signed a co workers congratz on your new twin daughters card with this quote. The guy's last name was Lemon. He probably thought I was a weird dude.

[@Nergalsama01]

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! The way his voice kinda breaks at the end of that line, man. You can't even hear that in the game, really.

[@MrThinkTank0]

@@Nergalsama01 It is an unexpected little piece of brilliant voice acting, the whole series of tapes is confident and optimistic up to this point, and then that little bit of honest humanity breaks through, its really fantastic

[@Ega8523]

"Caroline, please bring me more pain pills..." He sounds so sad. It makes me sad. :(

[@gildedphoenix]

Then he gets mad

[@alapalacasual]

"Because that's not supposed to happen." Just how casually he says that under the circumstances is funny. Well, everything he says is funny.

[@Heydelios]

"Nope, can't keep a straight face."

[@ryanwilson-wilhite2343]

"If you meet yourself on the track do not make eye contact, boys tell me that will wipe out time ... entirely... forward and backward." My favorite.

[@realdaggerman105]

Ryan Wilson You posted a similar thing, a year ago, that’s dedication my friend.

[@nomad5544]

The fact that I consider this man to be a legend even though I know he's fictional is a testament to how amazing the writing of these games are.

[@mitallday]

Cave Johnson: "Thank you, I can't believe I'm thanking these people." That quote is damn funny.

[@idk-just-tea]

Personally I find "for staggering your way through" funnier lol. Honestly the whole quote is good.

[@acceleretron4475]

3:49 "Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway. Ramps are expensive." 6:27 "Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash." 6:48 "So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face."

[@corn2449]

Cave Johnson was a crazy madman, but goddamn was he a genius.

[@DrAnimePhD]

corn Of course. No other man would come up with the idea to con the alternate reality versions of himself.

[@n0where189]

@@DrAnimePhD who are, of course, still alive.

[@kingluigi7]

Still smarter than the clowns at Black Mesa.

[@TheHippyProductions]

​@@kingluigi7lol they had fields of radioactive waste just laying around, a giant on-site trash compactor when they probably couldve just vaporized any classified materials, deadly lasers operating parallel to hallways, sent people on one-way trips to a dimension they didnt understand, and when given a suspicious specimen for tests KNOWING it might cause a Resonance Cascade, they went ahead and did it anyway dooming humanity for the forseeable future. Science, bitch!

[@foxhound5702]

I was pleasantly suprised to learn Cave Johnson is voiced by J.K. Simmons... such an underrated actor!!!

[@jackkliegerman5909]

Well he won best supporting actor sooooooooooooo...

[@PrincessTwilightdash]

Jasper Rannells most popular is J Jonah jamsson

[@beavermuffin]

FoxHound isn’t he the Farmers insurance guys?

[@dkilgu82]

Kento Ito Yes

[@brodiem3328]

This guy is my role model.

[@itzspencerr1403]

This guy is why i do more science class XD

[@brodiem3328]

minecraftdude456 XD

[@alapalacasual]

+MCD456 I'm going to play this out loud in science class one day and see if anyone recognizes it.

[@michaelfixedsys7463]

He inspired my methodology Throwing science at the wall to see what sticks

[@flufflepuffle6229]

magher is brody

[@lavaskater4715]

Now that I know that he's Stanford Pines I'll never hear this the same way again

[@dying101666]

lavaskater or Vern Schillinger from OZ.

[@ilovewaffles1922]

lavaskater Gwuncle Stan?

[@mynameisconnorimtheandroid6080]

Wait, you for real?

[@Miguel-td2ow]

Those aren't the same voice actors at all

[@pinkymixology4965]

He played FORD Pines not Stanford Pines. Totally different.

[@MarkLumsley]

Got a bit emotional when I remembered the twist about Carolyn in this game. Such a great story - great game!

[@naomidewhurst5380]

The part where Glados reacted to the cave Johnson quote like Carolyn would was and still is my fav part of portal 2

[@Dallasgeri1]

It took me ages to figure out why I recognized fords voice from GF, he was CAVE JOHNSON ALL ALONG! *GASP*

[@zanytobbs]

You know what I want........ pictures of Spider-Man!

[@basedbattledroid3507]

When life gives you pictures of Spider-Man, Fire that menace!

[@stupidsimp9432]

BURN IT

[@patoyolow6396]

'' I'M THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN....... WITH THE LEMONS! ''

[@etps4444]

Make life take the lemons back!!!! 😂

[@DestructoGabe8]

GET MAD!! 😠

[@thatdudebro9918]

I didn't know Stanford Pines was voice acting for Portal 2.

[@GeoDasher8]

;)

[@Falloutlover1011]

StellarGuard 1999 the funny thing is I read a gravity falls fanfic where Ford made explosive lemons.

[@stupidsimp9432]

hahahahahahahhahahahababababababbabbaababhahahahahahahahhahaah!!!!!!

[@Tired_Artist810]

@@Falloutlover1011 What fan fic :0?

[@NeilNileStudios]

5:21 safe science speech 5:43 intro to aperture 9:12 faxing out humans 6:40 couldn’t keep a straight face 3:40 I️ like your style

[@Ribbons0121R121]

"i punch thse numbers into my calculator and it makes a happyface" same on this end.

[@basedbattledroid3507]

J.K. Simmons is just the best thing that ever fell out of either heaven or hell

[@mgh797]

Now we know what Omni-Man was up to before he came to earth

[@danybeam]

if anyone else is here for the lemons quotes (like me) jump directly to 9:52 ... you're welcome :)

[@chrismccue9421]

This guy is Alex Jones

[@Lerandomguy2]

This is what I needed

[@stupidsimp9432]

*jump*

[@coralroper6876]

The sad thing is that I can imagine Stanford Pines saying some of these lines in complete sincerity.

[@karolakkolo123]

Best quotes (in my opinion): 2:58 3:24 5:14 6:18 9:50

[@samruff7494]

When life give you lemons, don't make lemonade.

[@bogdan_ostaficiuc]

Make life, take the lemons back!

[@zachariahbrown2724]

He actually succeeded in making combustible lemons. You can get the mod in the Garry's Mod workshop.

[@OxiigenV2]

“He says what we’re all thinking!” “Burning people!” -Caroline as GladOS

[@ryanwilson-wilhite2343]

"The boys tell me that'll wipe out time . . . forwards and backwards." That's 1 of my favorites! :D

[@prastistransformers89]

"I'll be honest, we're throwing science on the wall here to see what sticks, no idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best case scenario, you might get some super powers. Worst case some tumours, which will cut out." So basically he's making some radioactive spiders here...

[@RRW359]

Cave Johnson: Don't make lemonade, make a lemon-ade!

[@squeguinquack2570]

“In case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here’s some advice the lab boys gave me. Do not get covered in the repulsion gel”

[@elizabethellis7052]

I feel like people are getting a little twisted about when he said: "make her". I don't think he meant "strap her down and connect her brain to a computer against her will". I feel as though he was simply stating that she can be reluctant to do something when she feels unworthy to do so. It's pretty clear that throughout, Caroline is pretty meek, maybe even obedient. This did start in the '50s after all. Women were still "supposed" to be housewives and mothers. That's it. I picture it more as Johnson seeing something in Caroline that she could never see in herself. She could never be worthy enough to run Aperture Science, built by Cave Johnson himself, for as long as technology is still a thing. Johnson even said himself, in the same breath as 'make her', "Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't, she's modest like that..."

[@ForelliBoy]

WE ARE APERTURE BUM BA-DUM BA-BUM-BA-DUM

[@PointsofData]

Every couple months I come back to this to remind myself of perfection

[@1aundulxaldin]

This guy is a kilometer and a half. Every quote makes me think I am going down a brand new corridor of crazy.

[@TheCourier216]

I pay the bills I can talk about the damn control group as much as I want!

[@Mac14329]

"I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day!"

[@anachronist420]

1:49 "I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what'll do, probably nothing."

[@WarderBros]

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ? IM THE MAN THAT WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN WHITH LEMONS

[@Howlingburd19]

Warder Bros GLaDOS: Burning people! He said what we’re all thinking!!!

[@littlezorkie9311]

Warder Bros oh I like this guy

[@hueah]

COMBUSTIBLE LEMON! *Explodes*

[@Muzzly1234]

I love how the portrait of Cave Johnson looks like a slightly older J.K. Simmons with sideburns.

[@sammythelamby8363]

Tried to get my parents to listen to this they are very confused

[@IBrokeMyFootOnAL3go]

4:28 is funny lol. Short yes but man it’s funny entirely

[@ohstate411]

this is the best comedic written game ever.

[@Howlingburd19]

This game is approaching 8 years in age, and this is STILL hilarious xD

[@nsf574]

9:30 Lemons

[@killerwhale2765]

Lemons

[@Jusala12]

Where does Cave say "say 'hi', Caroline". And Caroline says "hi Caroline!"?

[@urmommy5]

he says "say goodbye caroline" not hi

[@chazzybara]

TheUndeadScout I think it is before he says She is a gem.

[@chistinelane]

+Tuxedo Penguin caroline the crystal gem

[@ambersummer22]

this is not a video for caroline's quotes

[@Altair2000]

"Say goodbye, Caroline" "Goodbye, Caroline!" "She is a gem" Only the first and last line are his, so they're the only ones included in the video

[@jonnycarcano]

I know that JK Simmons has done stuff other than Portal 2 and Spider Man, but you really can't give me too much shit for liking those roles the best.

[@daBeetzify]

I love J.K. Simmons. ♥

[@gavin169]

Poor Cave, he probably bought those moon rocks because he was going bankrupt.

[@logansylvester8093]

At around the moon rock part of the story, Aperture Science was very well bankrupt and they have resorted to using homeless people for test subjects. A bit later, they started using staff members. The story of Aperture is really interesting

[@ADHDgonewild7]

9:50 he actually sounds like Alex Jones lol

[@RinLockhart]

It's not just because JK Simmons voice both characters but Cave Johnson and Stanford Pines would've ruled the world together.

[@Tired_Artist810]

Agreed!

[@theseerllama]

Valve may not have made anything new in years, but DAMN can they make a game that lasts

[@bring6not12]

I DONT WANT YOURE DAMN LEMONS!!

[@robotnr.1835]

Ooohhh yes you want. xD

[@bring6not12]

No i dont D:

[@robotnr.1835]

Only a Joke XD

[@bring6not12]

THEY ARE STILL LEMONS

[@drscope27]

Chica The Chicken The lemons are a lie, the yare actually limes.

[@PixelGemini]

0:00 - 11:07 These ones are my favorite.

[@Gyrono]

You know, these quotes seem funnier when you think it's Tenzin saying it.

[@TheChaosDragoness]

Or Ford Pines.

[@simonpetrikov3992]

Or J.Jonah Jameson

[@PlexusCaeruleum]

Or Ghatanothoa

[@catz_ee]

If they already had portal devices, wouldn't gathering moon rock be extremely easy?

[@littlellama400]

No, things would constantly get sucked up into space

[@mell7249]

@@littlellama400 3 years late but unless the moon's gravity applies to the portals, you could make a vaccuum chamber and put a portal inside it. Really cool pfp by the way, Hollow Knight kicks ass.

[@coralroper6876]

His messages manage to be funny and horrifying at the same time.

[@cameronwilson5547]

AND YOU ARE IT!

[@AvalynTheAccursed]

............ Tag.

[@shadowcipher0440]

he’s voiced by J.K. Simmons who also voiced Stanford Pines from Gravity Falls

[@atteranenforcer5263]

Not to mention JJ from the Spiderman movie trilogy.

[@PlexusCaeruleum]

And Omniman from Invincible

[@jonnycarcano]

I don't want your damn lemons, I want Spider Man exposed for the two-bit degenerate he is!

[@rustyguacamoleaf7319]

You are FIRED!

[@TigirlakaLaserwolf6]

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had he survived long enough to be uploaded

[@CODEDCAMS]

"Goodbye, Sir..."

[@Robscurity]

"Lemons?? Who gives a damn about Lemons!? All I'm looking for is those PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN!!"

[@JasonRobinsonidaho]

I'd love to see all of the audio in chronological order.

[@basedbattledroid3507]

That Black Mesa reference

[@BrassBoy-ot4sy]

Cave Johnson wanted Caroline to run the place... What if they put her memories and personality into a computer and made GladOs?

[@BeesUSA]

No shit sherlock

[@atteranenforcer5263]

That's exactly what happened. Kind of against Caroline's will as well, which explains GlaDos' cynical and sadistic behavior.

[@NerdyGamer-lq9nc]

Does she exist INSIDE Glados or is SHE glados?

[@nilsber.]

Nobody: Your BEEMOD chamber: _this entire video_

[@goldhoney9401]

9:48 is lemons btw

[@Mr.Zoynkle]

"Ya' know, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons...you don't make lemonade! You make life take the lemons back! Get MAD! Get REAL mad! I don't want your damn lemons -- what am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life RUE THE DAY it dared give Cave Johnson LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!" **coughing fit ensues** "Point is, if we can store music on a compact disk, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I'm having the engineers figure that one out now. Brain mapping. Artificial intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this -- and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day -- if I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place." **coughs again** "Now, she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that -- but you MAKE her!" **cough** "Hell, put her in my computer; I don't care. All right, test's over." **cough** "You can head on back to your desk." Hands down, best video game send-off ever.

[@DanJWilcox]

'When life gives you lemons, GET PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN'

[@thecinnamonroll7933]

I love his lemon rant

[@conktabby8371]

we all know that we never make lemonade

[@DivineAdversity777]

God I love Cave Johnson. I love this man SO MUCH!!! He is the very textbook definition of “a vibe” 🔥🤣

[@pizzajohn9289]

Were you rushing, or were you lemons?!

[@MTT563]

"I'M GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!! WITH THE LEMONS!! I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!! *cough* *cough*" Best quote in a video game, ever.

[@Thaoneperson]

I STILL CANT BELIEVE HES ACTUALLY VOICED BY JK SIMMONS LIKE AINT NO WAY

[@MattSuttonVA]

Vault-tec has nothing on this guy....

[@arzkaful1]

just took my pants off

[@arzkaful1]

fuck you cave!

[@Animationlover17]

Anyone here because this actor is on Gravity Falls and he's the Author as well as the video that used this audio

[@C4pt4inEyebrows]

+Animationlover17 He's also mr. jjj in the original spiderman trilogy

[@RhapsodyDusk]

+Animationlover17 He's also Tenzin in Legend of Korra. And Juno's dad from Juno.

[@Animationlover17]

Cool

[@huybii3021]

And the coach/trainer in Whiplash

[@mystereee1479]

+CartoonQueen21 No I'm here because he's CAVE JOHNSON! Best role he ever had. And we never even got to meet him. That said, he's pretty hilarious in just about everything I've seen him in. Whiplash included.

[@JohnSmith-nn8fl]

This was a triumph

[@AnnoyingPyroMa1n]

I'm making a note here

[@hak-en-slash4636]

"now maybe you don't have any tumors... Well don't worry! If you sat on a folding chair and weren't wearing lead underpants we took care of the too"

[@Jeffersonia120]

JK Simmons is awesome: Fact

[@TheChaosDragoness]

Don't make lemonade, make lemon-ades.

[@JakeHunter2010]

J.k nailed this role.

[@Queencordelia]

2:17 last poor son of a gun got blue paint Excuse me WATTTT😳😳😳

[@chilidog2469]

Too early to explore the universe, too late to explore the planet, Just in time to hear one of the best VA’s argue about lemons

[@bloodycoffee9293]

I am in love with the idea that Cave Johnson is just a cover name for J Jonah Jameson

[@Spiderotter]

After moving on from his "Spider-Man is a menace!" And losing the Daily Bugle to Adrian Toomes, (Legit happened in the Original Spider-Man 4 script) J Jonah Jameson moved on from News Bulletins to scientific research... Under the name of Cave Johnson...

[@dragonwizard2736]

Ford and Johnson, they are so similar it's scary.

[@TooltipTinkerer]

Goodbye, Sir.

[@ansyyxux]

I love the voice!!

[@code.c.]

this takes me back....

[@jreese7436]

"Its a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton."