Portal 2 - Every Single Cave Johnson Line (Almost)

I made this because everywhere I looked on KZbin, the lines from the main campaign and the community chambers were separate. I also added the Portal 2 advertisements that Cave narrated. If I missed any lines, please let me know.
I did add a few Caroline lines that interact with Cave's lines.
This helped a lot: theportalwiki.com/wiki/Cave_J...
I didn't include the deleted and extended lines from the wiki page above because I didn't have the audio, I would've included them if I did.
And of course: all content is owned by Valve, I just edited everything.
Notice: this kind of content belongs on my archival channel, but it's too late lol

[@KangarooJay]

I think I'm missing one line but I can't find it anywhere, it was about not agitating and testing around some other people that showed up or something edit: this video belongs on my archival channel but i'm just gonna leave it here anyway

[@fa1thfulgam3r97]

Well done though!

[@CardCaptorDeadpool]

Valve gave us over an hour and a half of Cave content last year lol

[@KangarooJay]

gotta update it eventually

[@maxmyzer9172]

Cave cube? Also, Caroline's "Mr. Johnson I don't want this" - both of these were unused in the final game

[@adora_was_taken]

Was it "If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them."? I'm pretty sure that line is only said by the announcer (and GLaDOS in an unused clip).

[@user-ty3cq7nm8x]

Imagine being a Black Mesa employee, and finding out your rivals managed to create multi-dimensional travel decades before you even began work on teleportation.

[@Intellectual_Designs]

I keep wondering who the mole was...or did they just figure out Mr. Johnson's password..

[@TheMisterMix]

And then they rename your facility "Laperture"

[@dotalad4537]

This sounds like the whole “prime Rick” “c 137” Rick and Morty thing 😂

[@wesleymiles8756]

And its the same company that injected gasoline into peoples blood and took apart hobos with no apparent goal

[@Wanderer.17948]

Imagine being an aperture employee and finding out one of your rival's employees singe handedly stopped the apocalypse

[@mitchinatr7093]

Protect JK Simmons at all costs.

[@pifflesomepuffnadder855]

No need, Cave's already immortal. 😎

[@brickcraftproductions3065]

He has a laser cannon in Mount Rushmore, which is plenty of protection

[@linkfreeman1998]

@@brickcraftproductions3065 omg lmao... So Cave Johnson is now President Ackerman?

[@jollygrapefruit786]

Bro have you SEEN him? Dudes fucking jacked. I think he can protect himself lmfao

[@fertileplanet7756]

I love how literally the last thing you ever hear him say is "Cave Johnson, we're done here"

[@bogartwilley]

What's funnier, is the fact it's only AFTER they find the infinite money universe he just disappears LMAO Talk about a good businessman!

[@chuckplainview4085]

"Say goodbye Caroline" "Goodbyeee Caroline! 😊"... "She is a gem!" 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@trial_with_an_error9687]

"Goodbye Caroline..."

[@ScarletsWork]

She is very personable

[@fauzanaziz6365]

​@@trial_with_an_error9687 "Goodbye...sir.."

[@Intelligence_Core3]

​@@trial_with_an_error9687GLaDOS: Goodbye **short pause** Caroline

[@jendouglas9781]

Say what you want about Cave. At least his teleportation technology never caused an alien invasion that led to the whole world becoming one giant dystopia.

[@levihollar2924]

Nah it did. Just at some differing point in the infinite multiverse. Probably the same damn one where G-Man is getting constantly hunted by a renegade Chell while Gordon is input into the GlaDOS system. Or it might be the one with "goopy" people.

[@toristeele2012]

"How good is our science? Get a load of this! I'm D E A D."

[@Spongie_Pancakes]

9:51 here’s the life and lemons monologue

[@aaydinturk]

thank you

[@ericmarley7060]

"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."

[@chemistryaim]

goat talk

[@jonslade17]

He is so quotable

[@ashleytrout7452]

Cave Johnson just preventing half life

[@davisdf3064]

I'd imagine he fired Gordon Freeman, poor Gordon

[@jamesofhoenn4790]

“Lab boys” Bean Counters” When you’re the boss you can use whatever terms you want to describe people beneath you

[@A_Funne_Boi]

Im just realizing the 2 alternate testers were probably Atlas and P-Body cuz of the high five taunt they have.

[@davisdf3064]

Wich means that the GLaDOS that we all know and love probably also has access to the Multiverse

[@A_Funne_Boi]

@@davisdf3064 wonder what she needs the multiverse for?

[@davisdf3064]

@@A_Funne_Boi Resources, Space, Energy production, the Multiverse is usefull for pratically anything. That's why i would love if GLaDOS appeared at any point in Half-Life, she would be so DAMN powerful.

[@MASS-TT]

@@davisdf3064 in fact, Cave Johnson talked about black mesa. so GlaDos could appear

[@Xtra_21]

@@A_Funne_Boi poker

[@Pfromm007]

Erik Wolpaw, lead writer on Portal 2, is such a comedic genius

[@isomericgamer6644]

He also wrote half life 2 episode one and episode two and half life alyx. His writing is amazing

[@PunishedKrab]

Cave Johnson: Enter the Portalverse Cave Johnson: Across the Portalverse Cave Johnson: Beyond the Portalverse

[@kaysrandomchannel4618]

Those movies were so damn good.

[@BaxterAndLunala]

First movie: "Hey, Wallace! Press the green button for me!" Second movie: "My name is Wheatley, but you can call me the Turret King." Third movie: "Alright, whose damn lemons are these!? Life's!?"

[@TankR]

@@BaxterAndLunala Third movie post credit scene: "OW OW OW SHIT SHIT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!! WRITE THIS DOWN!!! HOT HOT OW!!!"

[@alexfischer7876]

_Cave Johnson: Portalverse of Combustible Lemons Madness_

[@autismandgaming4532]

Imagine discovering the multiverse as a capitalistic endeavour

[@Heliogabalos]

I like the idea of Pure Intellect Cave being in that Portal 1 GLaDOS with the tiny little head and the voice coming out of it just being normal not robotized Cave voice.

[@gamebotpocket]

Explains why he wants to scratch his nose so badly

[@glitzen05dood]

explains Aperture Desk Job quite well.

[@PH0B0PH1L1A]

ever since i watched gravity falls i can't disconnect these two characters bc they share a voice actor (jk simmons voiced both stanford pines and cave johnson) so listening to this is REALLY funny to me

[@Queen_Miku]

Wait he voiced STANFORD PINES?

[@PH0B0PH1L1A]

@@Queen_Miku HE DID

[@Queen_Miku]

@@PH0B0PH1L1A I never knew-

[@JustADoodle00]

im literally jyst about to rewatch this whole video but imagining cave johnson as ford, and of his assistants as fiddlford, and ball just making random appearances

[@Queen_Miku]

@@JustADoodle00 I keep imagining that cave is gonna ask his employees to get him photos of spooder man

[@jakethecake001]

I genuinely did not know that they got J. K. Simmons to voice Cave Johnson. I thought it was just someone who sounded exactly like him.

[@baconeggsandwich]

Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.

[@nonameman7114]

The dark humor in portal is great. That line had me wheezing the first time I heard it.

[@zeltzamer4010]

@@nonameman7114Much like asbestos.

[@lourdespachla6516]

​@@nonameman7114oh no.

[@fivepainbbles]

@@nonameman7114 I have something to tell you

[@sandoh9500]

The announcer pack for Dota 2 has more lines of Cave Johnson than all of Portal 2 lol

[@osphin9413]

31:26 ... ummh ... I think he went through too many parallel universes issues

[@heavenandhello6629]

“Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you!”

[@chipcroswell1738]

19:27 “Don’t make me call the dance police.” 😂

[@tricursor2481]

Portal 2 really is one of the best games ever. Watching those commercials just made me remember how amazing that time was. Last real game Valve released before near silence for a decade. Cave Johnson's writing makes me want them to make a million more before JK Simmons passes. The idea of a company who was making stuff so advanced but never came out because they were so concerned with testing that they went bankrupt before they could. They were so far ahead that they had portals in the 60s while black mesa had a much worse version 40 years later. So excited for them to explore this universe more.

[@tpd1864blake]

Black Mesa probably got portals a little bit earlier than 40 years, judging by the state of the old prototype labs in Blue Shift

[@tricursor2481]

@@tpd1864blake but is blue shift canon?

[@Sacren365]

@tricursor2481 I remember my friend telling me that everything Valve makes is canon. ​If that's true, then yes.

[@KangarooJay]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/oHexhoiqp6eGo7c (this video is about opposing force, not blue shift, but they're both gearbox expansions)

[@tricursor2481]

@@Sacren365 but Valve didnt make opposing force or blue shift. These were externally developed spin offs.

[@nameless646]

I cannot stop associating that voice with J Jonah Jameson.

[@123victornaruto]

Same VA

[@furimushi]

They are both JK simmons and work their employee to death so yeah you can't

[@Fredfazbear1983]

@@furimushiboth are based tho

[@kaysrandomchannel4618]

I think of Stanford Pines.

[@janyozenith4331]

I associate with Terrence Fletcher "Are you rushing or dragging?"

[@felinusfeline5559]

It's subtle but Cave starts off fairly amicable and assuring the testers. Also has plans in place if something goes wrong. Later, when Apeture starts struggling, he gets more brusque and dismissive and the tests get more dangerous. Then he starts ranting to himself more and more and insulting people.

[@thetsarofall8666]

"do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We havent nailed down exactly what element it is but i'll tell ya this, its a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton"

[@M01t3n.]

27:14. Probably one of my favorite Caves(Johnson's? Cave Johnson's? Ah who cares, point is he is one of the best)

[@allanchoy1386]

My favourite is the Roach one that tested the homo-sapiens injection.

[@ButterscotchlovinOllie]

This guy was really cool! Too bad the funky space rocks got him

[@hogfry]

JK Simmons is a literal treasure. The Man is sarcasm made manifest.

[@bemasaberwyn55]

Think he was just riffing? 😂😂

[@ArcienPlaysGames]

15:29 Simmons is a legend

[@Intelligence_Core3]

Yes he is. A meme legend as well (because of J. Jonah Jameson's laugh). :)

[@josephwalton487]

JK Simmons is freaking incredible.

[@jackkennedy3753]

29:50 Noooo... they cancled GLaDOS..

[@critespranberry8872]

I feel like Jay Jonah Jameson would get along with Cave

[@shaeisgae8952]

Any of those dimensions got pictures of spiderman?

[@alexfischer7876]

@@shaeisgae8952 Spider-Man with combustible lemons rushing or dragging the Fire Nation attack?

[@Eleanorotica]

Every line is pure gold in both writing and delivery what a treat

[@DashingSteel]

*S T O P* *I M P O S T I N G*

[@DruzerMan]

NEVER

[@willywins0446]

Oh, you stubborn... handsome devil.

[@scrittle]

37:30

[@PengwinGaming205]

Damn, they knew asbestos was bad in the 40s, thats crazy

[@whatno5090]

Tiny microchip about the size of a postcard

[@BiddaMeanwater]

i genuinely watched this whole video

[@polluxbollux]

Personal Favourite series of lines 2:10 - 4:10

[@freyamiles3718]

12:20 oh they did sone play tests to know people would stab eachover in the back

[@violentviolet8544]

Those lines about the sentient cloud not liking having its picture taken and 'consuming' people is awfully nope-like

[@apgagn157]

This was much needed.

[@ButteredGhost]

9:13 Ignore me I just need the time stamp for when my monologue starts

[@adamsworld2772]

My favorite line: "They told me to not do pre-recorded messages, that gave me a idea, MAKE MORE PRE-RECORDED MESSAGES"

[@adamsworld2772]

Same with "That's a Elevator, not a Bathroom." XD

[@obama_bin_laden6179]

God, I love VALVe when they actually make games. Portal 2 was one of their best games they had ever made. Very good story, voice acting, they pushed the engine to its limits, beautiful lighting, the chamber building was great and the dialogue was definitely one of my favorite parts of this game.

[@lyxnick]

Do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.

[@Lunarcreeper]

how did jk simons not kill himself from these quotes 25:43 31:26

[@ArcienPlaysGames]

That first timestamp; Him going from the playful tone and IMMEDIATELY into the aggressive approach destroys me every time. How Simmons got through it is a conundrum to me

[@placeholderdoe]

25:32 He was so scared he didn’t even tell people to get back to work

[@michaelfixedsys7463]

How do you put a superconductor on "full blast?"

[@xXUnwiredXx]

Science

[@lourdespachla6516]

Pee on it.

[@shumpwumbus2813]

very carefully

[@Formalec]

One possibility is maximum magnetic field & max current through the superconductor. But Cave probably images some portal science gobbledygook

[@Marzsala]

Intel

[@Intelligence_Core3]

9:50 POV: You came here for this

[@legalmissingzx9]

"just try to get close to that baby. Your Funeral. Cave Johnson" 😂😭😂😂 14:13

[@Stoppie_October]

“You’ll know when the tests start” 🦗🦗🦗🦗

[@graysonsmith7031]

This brings me so much joy!

[@allanchoy1386]

22:07 is my favourite part.

[@alial3437]

It's my favorite too! I was laughing when I first heard it in one of the custom maps!

[@Intelligence_Core3]

Mantis Cave Johnson sounds like a demon

[@Intelligence_Core3]

25:31 One of my favorite Cave Johnson voice lines

[@mikeymittens2896]

33:38 we ended up in this timeline somehow lol

[@MsStrife1]

JK Simmons was the absolute best choice for Cave Johnson!

[@bestboi2945]

9:51 someone put this into the omiman speach

[@thepuppetqueen57]

25:43 IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS

[@kylethejudge]

Gross

[@thepuppetqueen57]

@@kylethejudge lmao

[@EVIL0LLY]

IT FEELS LIKE A BOJACK LINE WHAT DOES THIS LINE MEAN I FEEL LIKE HE JUST PUT IT IN TO BE FUNNY OR SMTHING

[@Dutchguy666TH]

i was scrolling through the comments wondering if someone was gonna say something about it

[@thepuppetqueen57]

@@Dutchguy666TH Idk why no one is talking about it lmao

[@NickNichols47]

Took me 2 hours to get through this. There are so many lines I had to back up and hear again. ❤

[@Polychi1998]

9:50 Cave Johnson after finding out his Star Fox game is broken

[@InkyDave1928]

35:20 One my favorite lines of his.

[@JJacob-qf7vg]

j. jonah jameson

[@scrubtoilet44]

CAVE JOHNSON IS SECRETLY IN SPIDERMAN???????????????

[@SH00T_TH3PUMP]

Chariots Chariots

[@jordanolson3173]

This is the funniest shit I have listened to in a long time.

[@jonslade17]

The greatest character of all time

[@HojiDaSquirrel]

I'm glad this video exists

[@TacticaLLR]

Love it!

[@thejayinator585]

26:04 dying

[@junklabs-studios1318]

No wonder Portal has such great comedy 😂

[@chaneyphillips8317]

I literally convinced myself this wasn't JK Simmons because it would have been so random for him to be in a Portal game. Everything he says is funny, even if it isn't meant to be.

[@Quaxo21]

He is Jk simmons

[@TheDarkVictini]

33:08 When someone spoils an anime you are watching.

[@EllisHudsonn]

I fall asleep to this every night

[@glowstick1168]

33:37 This has aged like fine wine 😂

[@twelved4983]

Unfortunately

[@3DFella]

Based Cavina Johnson says trans rights 🏳️‍⚧️🗣️

[@BaxterAndLunala]

35:58: He clearly has seen the Roland Emmerich Tristar Godzilla film.

[@SusDoctor]

Aperture is basically if soldier tf2 owned a science company Completely wild throwing literally anything for *✨ SCIENCE ✨*

[@spacereaper8283]

The voice actor for cave is perfect!

[@madmike022]

When did all the multiverse ones play?? I didn't realize portal played so much into the multiverse

[@KangarooJay]

custom levels

[@madmike022]

@@KangarooJaywtf a reply? nice surprise, and alright interesting, thanks

[@TheTrueXaver]

@@KangarooJayhuh? like community-made?

[@KangarooJay]

@@TheTrueXaver yes, on the steam workshop you can submit levels to be played (co-op and singleplayer) the game comes with a level editor

[@TheTrueXaver]

@@KangarooJay oh are the voice lines like custom dialogue that anyone can put in their maps?

[@balrogbean]

lol. 18:27 Codeword. If I say, Chariots, Zero. (after he says Chariots for the first time, rewind 5 seconds with left arrow key)

[@deendeen9584]

I don't get it

[@B2_R1YUZU]

@@deendeen9584 same

[@notNyxiann]

Blixer pfp lol

[@masterofrockets]

37:40 subliminal message future reference.

[@timnope]

I almost fell asleep listening to his voice 💀

[@howaboutno3575]

He said "bring me more pain pills"! Left 4 dead 2 reference there! PILLS HERE

[@Otamatone69]

9:47

[@davidpfost7497]

Aperture science reminds me of Jonas Venture and the super science vs super villain schtick from The Venture Bros. Especially the army of mantis men haha

[@DougCraftOfficial]

Next he’s gonna start demanding pictures of Spider Man, telling Mark to think, and trying to kill Bill Cipher

[@kaysrandomchannel4618]

REAL

[@Intelligence_Core3]

To be fair, they are all voiced by JK Simmons (Cave Johnson).

[@Cametendo]

Just a little Fun Fact: Cave Johnson and Ford Pines (Gravity Falls) are both voice acted by J.K. Simmons

[@DowaHawkiin]

15:47 and so forth, where are all these lines from?

[@KangarooJay]

they are for the custom player levels on the workshop

[@DowaHawkiin]

@@KangarooJay Man, I've completed Portal 2 a few times, even the co-op with a friend, but I have never heard of this Lore from custom Community levels.

[@KangarooJay]

​@@DowaHawkiin levels that use Hammer (the Source level editor) directly or the BEE2 mod can change it

[@erikpng]

​@@KangarooJayso I was always wondering… can players just place whichever voicelines they want?

[@TheJuErx]

@@erikpng no, if the level wasn't made with a Source level editor, it just follows a certain order so it makes sense since some are related to the previous one

[@GabetheSlacker]

Say goodbye Caroline.

[@KangarooJay]

Goodbye, Caroline!

[@GabetheSlacker]

She is a gem.

[@autismandgaming4532]

I like listening to the autistic ramblings of Cave Johnson as I fall asleep

[@shellgun4636]

Is there a full script of these lines I can find somewhere? I've found a few sites with some lines but not nearly all of them.

[@MrGeorgeFlorcus]

4:30 "trace amounts of time travel" might be my second favorite bit, just behind the infamous "lemons" rant Edit: Also 8:48 "Beard dirt" as a single off-hand line is amazing

[@Corkoth55]

"so anyway, we're between banks right now" 😂

[@jeanmahmoudventilateur3480]

18:55 you'd be surprised

[@Arthrodude]

cave johnson and glados are the only reason i play portal 2

[@sahilhossian8212]

Lore of Portal 2 - Every Single Cave Johnson Line (Almost) momentum 100

[@Freshlydeliveredegg]

I want to see every character jk Simmons voices get into a fight

[@homegrowngamer3411]

He was like... where'd all this come from? I know these aren't on the campaign,

[@SimonDoesmath]

I hope portal 3 is in space with dark cave johnson. Or chell could play a role against the Combine invaders and have to use the portal from aperture science to acomplish her feats. Finding walls covered in moon matter might be an issue. Unless its on a Combine moon base! Portal gun in one hand, real gun in the other. It would also T-up a Half Life remake which we desperately need.

[@NotDr.Evil137]

As a real life test subject, I gotta say he sounds like the best CEO 😄 I want to solve tests and fight mantis men

[@Intelligence_Core3]

22:07 He sounds like a demon

[@Meme_man..]

Thats because hes a mantis

[@TheReal_Gagger]

mantis man cave

[@Intelligence_Core3]

​​​@@TheReal_GaggerI knew. My comment above was from 2 months ago

[@qwertykeyboard5901]

9:08 Florine, probably.