My Anorexia Story

My journey with anorexia (through words and pictures) and the 4 main things that helped me get to the place I am today in recover.

[@jessfaye8115]

Finally an anorexia story that isn't related to wanting to look a certain way to fit in, but instead informs people it could be a cry for help. Thank you for sharing.

[@haileyrafferty2372]

I've honestly never thought of anorexia as a cry for help, this was eye opening.

[@LJONeill1997]

How can you not see it as a cry for help❤

[@haileyrafferty2372]

Laura o' Neill cause they hide it

[@LJONeill1997]

@@haileyrafferty2372 I do hide it

[@CourtneyHill]

I never understood that either until lots of therapy and realizing that’s exactly what it was for me. Super interesting!

[@CarolineCooper-g1b]

It's okay not to be okay

[@bearjew6645]

I’m a recovering male anorexic, fostering cats helps me so much, I have a lot of anger issues too, i have huge scars from cutting and something about loving and caring for cats makes me very happy

[@brittanygroen2501]

Solstice Saiyan animals are very therapeutic. I’m so proud of you for recovering. Stay strong and always remember coping skills ❤️❤️

[@alanabavli9290]

That’s adorable

[@anacoelho3829]

You look so healthy right now. You are really beautiful.

[@raverbun]

I've just stumbled upon your video randomly and wanted to let you know that your ability to speak so clearly and uninterrupted while maintaining eye contact with the camera, especially when talking about such a personal subject, is commendable and you should be so proud of yourself for how strong you are. Thank you for sharing your story xo

[@CourtneyHill]

What a sweet comment! Thank you!! I appreciate that so much.

[@CourtneyHill]

Emily Cat just came across this again. Made my night!

[@raverbun]

Courtney Hill omg you’re too sweet! I’m glad I could do that for you, you deserve it gal ❤️

[@skullheadcovers6033]

unrelated but that is the cutest cat I've ever seen

[@D_skeptic]

Ditto! 😍

[@jessepinkmansimp6090]

My cat is cuter >:3 Lol I’m just kidding but my cat is the cutest in the world soooo

[@CourtneyHill]

Skullhead Covers haha thank you! She’s my actual baby 😂

[@floren_ce]

In french we would say about someone like you that you have "la rage de vivre", the rage to live. Strong, full of will and ready to kick your addiction in the face every single time it points its ugly head. Keep fighting, you came back from so far away that's incredible !

[@CourtneyHill]

Florence this made me cry!!

[@floren_ce]

@@CourtneyHill oh no ! I just rewatched your video, I hope you're doing well :)

[@luciemcadams9016]

Ive had this illness for 16 years and listening to your story gives me hope, thank you. Youre beautiful x

[@giaprincess5965]

you can overcome it. 16 years is a long time, but please try and get better.

[@mayaolson8752]

I love your honesty & transparency about everything you’ve gone through; you’re incredible 🥺

[@lysichamberlain2034]

Honestly incredible. Sooo so cool to hear about how you were able to work with your treatment team to even understand your subconscious thoughts and motives for why you turned to anorexia. Thank you for sharing and for shedding light on this topic. I worked as an English teacher at a few different residential treatment centers that focused on kids with RAD who were adopted. A lot of them had struggles with eating disorders as well and it was also a way for them to have control over something. I feel blessed to have heard your story because this will help so many of my students. Thank you 1000x for this!

[@lilyduke669]

I really appreciate your honesty and watching a recovery vid from someone who has ACTUALLY recovered.

[@leahparkinson3818]

I like how you cat trys to get your attention during the video

[@niraisatsana]

leah parkinson and she is ignoring it!!! i can never leave my cat alone bc he is a cutie 😂

[@GPwithme]

Thank you for sharing. And your cat is hilarious. Obviously adores you. I was anorexic for 21 years and went into recovery 6 years ago. I consider myself recovered, but I still have some troubling thought processes when life gets hard, and this is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for that. You are so brave. #keepitup!

[@CourtneyHill]

Gennarose Congrats!! That’s a major come back!! Happy to hear!

[@eloisebudimlich]

So happy that you are doing better and have seen the light! You are so strong

[@erinelizabeth5306]

Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate you just being open about what you have been through.

[@da3muscadears]

I know you don't see it, but you are BEAUTIFUL AND GLOWING. This is so inspiring. Thank you.

[@elisenelson5736]

I love that the conclusion of this is that life is beautiful and to be enjoyed, and that it feels good to be healthy and happy. Thanks for being so honest and for sharing your story!

[@CourtneyHill]

This made me smile. Life really is so great!

[@mollysullivan6414]

anorexia was a cry for help for me too. i was chubby throughout early childhood, and when i started getting orthodontial work done at age 9, i stopped eating as much due to pain. i lost about 10 lbs pretty quickly and got lots of compliments and felt so happy with how i looked. when my mom got really sick later that year, my childhood depression got out of control and the focus was shifted off of me, so i turned to what i knew would get the focus back on me: weight loss. at age 10, i became addicted to being sick just like my mom but in a different way. i weighed 54 lbs which is only about 5-10 lbs more than i weighed in kindergarten. in a weird way, the concern and escalation to professionals fueled my disorder because i was getting the validation and attention that i wanted. i loved being sick and i loved getting worse. i think my ED took a totally different hold on me than most patients because both my ED and me were both literal children.

[@anallarry1961]

This has been the most impactful eating disorder video I have ever seen. Thank you so much for sharing your story - keep fighting.

[@CourtneyHill]

anal larry you have no idea how happy that makes me to hear! Thank you so much! And i sure will.

[@freekiki2416]

I am so grateful for you telling your story. And I am so grateful for you thriving. I went through a similar thing. I have developed my ED too due to childhood trauma. It took me years to recover from my eating disorder now I am dealing with the underlying issues wich is just as hard. I probably will deal with it for the rest of my life. Also accepting my body has been and still is extremely hard. But I am a fighter and you obviously, are too! I Am so very proud of everyone who is fighting! You‘ve all got this! Keep going! ❤️💪🏻

[@Adrian-lx6ll]

such a pure human being. you deserve the world and more. thank you for sharing this with us all, u are so incredibly strong. much love. 🦋🖤

[@Sc-nw2sx]

I really admire you and your strenght. Your story is very inspiring and eye opening. I wish you best luck in your recovery, keep going and stay strong!

[@sophietrinder6955]

This has given me hope! I am still trying to recover and I really want to get to this place! Trauma has played a huge roll in my mental health recovery is a long long journey that I’m still learning today

[@alex_danceskpop]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! God brought it to me when I needed it and I'm so thankful for your existence.

[@paigecollier8217]

thank you so much, i have devoted 6 years of of my life to this disorder and this is just opening my eyes to what i could have instead

[@kalinaforster1988]

This is so important to hear. The years of trying, sacrifices, and loss you went through is so inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so honest and vulnerable. This helps so many people and helps life the stress off your shoulders. thank you!

[@star-km7qq]

i’m so proud of you. this made me so emotional and gives me motivation to try recovery, and process ptsd. I love you

[@EmThrives]

You've got this!

[@carynmartin6053]

Thank you and congrats on your beautiful new life! I was anorexic from high school until my thirties. My disabled daughter almost died for her anorexia last year but she has also recovered. God bless you!

[@loganthorpe92]

YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING. FUCK THAT PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAY TELLS YOU YOU ARE TOO BIG OR FAILING. you are seriously such an inspiration to me, i cannot thank you enough, “there is no happiness a pound heavier than where i am now..” that statement resonated so much with me, thank you for sharing your journey with us, you have such an amazing light inside of you, thank you thank you thank you for sharing.

[@onlyme7308]

Powerful, powerful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing. And what an amazing, beautiful soul you are. Recovery equals living and the world is at your feet. Xx

[@lindsayculver2855]

Keep telling your incredible story of recovery. You are so down to earth and can help so many young girls ❤️

[@veryferal1970]

Thanks for sharing your story. It will undoubtedly help other girls and women who need to know that there's a beautiful life on the other side of your disorder/addiction. I know it's hard for most of us to see it in ourselves, but you are BEAUTIFUL inside AND out.

[@heatherdaniels7118]

Keep on keepin on girl! Life is beautiful and so worth it! Happiness comes from all the amazing experiences. Thank you for your honesty and openness! I needed it today.

[@sgdersho]

Thank you for bravely sharing your story. The insights you provided at the end when reflecting on what components fueled this past year of recovery are helpful and inspiring. It takes so much courage to face yourself and work through hard feelings. You are amazing and I wish you continued strength on your road to complete recovery.

[@91ASP]

Thanks for sharing. Hearing you tell your story is like hearing my own story over again !! I’m in recovery (again) at the moment, and it really has been a long and tough fight so far, so sometimes I just wanna give up and just let my eating disorder win ... but it helps hearing that what I’m doing is the right thing and there is a chance to get better and have a healthy relationship to my own body . Thank you for being an inspiration for me and so many other wonderful peoples out there

[@corinnabrowning]

I have been in the same place you’ve been, scarily similar experiences, but I thank you for sharing how anorexia inputs thoughts of denial into your head to rationalize giving into it. showing the crazy but true shit it engrains into your mind, and for what? Great video, spreading awareness and sending you love!

[@samanthahempel5167]

You inspire me everyday Courtney! Thank you, truly❣️ I just celebrated 4 years of recovery on October 19th! ( I went to Avalon Hills in Utah)

[@CourtneyHill]

Samantha Hempel AMAZING!! Happy recovery anniversary. Wishing you the best on the rest of your journey. So glad you fought hard to get to where you are!

[@101sanford]

@@CourtneyHill hi if anyone messes with u u let me know

[@selflove-vs-selfhate]

CONGRATS!!!!

[@007janerussell]

You are so frigging strong, beautiful, and smart.. wow this was amazing to watch.

[@ozlemevadavis8238]

Thank you for your honesty and openness. You are incredibly brave and are being an inspiration for everyone that is suffering with this video.

[@sallychamness2159]

Thank you for sharing your recovery story. I'm diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, mood disorder, and I have binge purge...u know. Well I'm 53 now. I spent 23 yrs in mental hospitals and wards. I was misdiagnosed many times, but these diagnoses are finally what they decided. Stories like this are so encouraging. God bless you!

[@Mckenziem44]

Wow, Thanks for being so vulnerable. Love you Courtney!

[@codysawler5423]

You're incredibly strong, I'm glad you got the help you needed and overcame it. You're beautiful just the way you are.

[@emersonthornbrugh9516]

i’m glad you’re open about your journey with us. THANK YOU, I can’t tell you how many people this could help. you’re wonderful !!

[@jessicac.9992]

Thank you for being honest about how you felt about your recovered body in this video. I am trying to recover and it is extremely difficult to come to terms with the new look and there isn't a lot of people that will say that. The trauma as well, that is so so hard to admit openly. You go girl! Bravery isn't easy and never giving up.

[@sockistudies3811]

You are such a strong, beautiful girl! Thank you so much for this eye opening video ❤️

[@sarahpugh4338]

i started following you after that trip to europe. seeing you from that trip to now, you would have never known everything that you have dealt with. courtney, we love you. and i’m so glad that you are doing well. we will continue to love and support you no matter what. ❤️

[@teresamesa]

that note you ended on is suuuper important. fortunately i never had an ed, but i'm fascinated by anorexia since i've had people in my life die from it, i have friends who almost died from it and i have no idea how to relate or understand them, without coming across as judgemental. that "giving recovery a try" mindset is so important. you don't have to commit to getting better, you don't have to go back to normal eating habits. but maybe you'll find it helps. thank you for the video.

[@AngelicasRecovery]

You’re so strong 💙 I’m in recovery too.

[@MayasDream]

Happy Healing, You are Beautiful. 🪽🤍

[@allileftstudios]

sending love and virtual hugs

[@jaydencapri3376]

Ily court, you and your soul are so beautiful

[@trackcat4644]

love you court. you're such a strong individual and i'm so glad to have met you and call you a friend. you've always been one of my inspirations in recovery.

[@annakathaleen1874]

wow wow you are so strong & brave. i don’t even know you but i am just so proud of you💛 you’ve inspired me so much!!

[@mette1983]

Words cannot express how proud I am of you! You give ppl hope and you´re such an inspiration

[@marigoldgallagher8113]

thank you so much for sharing your story. this is one of the most inspiring eating disorder stories i've watched. you have such a beautiful perspective and i wish you the absolute best

[@valentinatron]

You are A-MA-ZING. I mean it! Also I just wanted to say that I didn’t recognize you from indy’s videos and when you showed the pictures I was in so much shock, because I remember watching those videos and watching you in them and being like "wow, how can someone be so confident and charismatic and fun and GORGEOUS and woww" and I didn’t know anything about you of course, I had just discovered indy! And also at that time I was feeling pretty down about my body because I just didn’t feel comfortable in it and was so scared to put on a swimsuit and show my cellulite and my fat and what not, and then seeing you girls being so freakin confident (at least that’s how it seemed) made me feel a little better ❤️

[@Madeleine-lt1bi]

You’re amazing, thank you so much for sharing this. Wish Instagram hadn’t taken down your post:( you sharing your story may be triggering to some but I think it’s so important and hopeful to share your strength and your success. Ahh a powerful story❤️❤️❤️

[@aann7132]

You’re so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this.

[@sherri.]

Thank you for sharing your story. You are beautiful!

[@nicolecherryhomes2837]

You’re so brave and beautiful! So proud of you!

[@kathyblanda7212]

Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry that your mom didn’t believe the doctor and IMO she needs to be supervised and more. Not a fan. You are amazing.

[@erinfrary3765]

You go girl! You're so strong and I love ya!

[@racheljodar4346]

This video was so inspiring. I’m currently in treatment and haven’t really been trying to recover. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@D_skeptic]

Your cat is friggin adorable! 😍 (The cat lover in my requires me to acknowledge this. Lol) But in all seriousness, thank you for sharing your story. 😊 You were very eloquent & insightful. I can tell you've really put in some serious work in therapy & you should be so incredibly proud of what you've accomplished. Keep it up!

[@juliaf946]

you’re so strong and beautiful

[@EmThrives]

Thank you so much for sharing your story Courtney

[@staceydeeter9744]

Love your kitty🐈thank you for sharing your story.

[@gabriellanowicki856]

This video is beautiful. Thank you.

[@CarolineCooper-g1b]

Congratulations on your recovery

[@elanoranina1405]

Hi Courtney, our journeys are very similar. I have for a few months been in a healthy weight range and feel so joyous. And sometimes I really miss my old body, but I love life. And You did so well explaining everything in your video. I made a video. There's so much I missed though, and have even blocked out because of how traumatic it was. Thankyou for sharing, I feel touched and inspired.

[@hmh2hmh]

It will get easier to accept your healthy body. It's probably going to take longer than you're comfortable with. I remember the hardest part for me was that period where I no longer *looked* sick but I still felt the same in a lot of ways and had to work through it, while feeling so alone and invisible. It really takes time for your mind to catch up, but it'll get there. I wish you the best! It has now been 7 years of maintaining recovery since my weight was restored and I can't even imagine ever going back because life is so good on this side.

[@elanoranina1405]

@@hmh2hmh I'm Happy for you that it has been 7 years, congratulations. I feel like its groundhog day for me. Reliving a loop. Honestly my behaviour has swung into overeating now and I don't know how to deal with it other than to lose weight again. But also I can feel that I am less harsh on myself which is a good sign. And life is good.

[@mymultiplelife]

My eating disorder is trauma based to. glad to know I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing. Wish i could get into treatment as well. It's much harder as an adult with no family support. Thank you for your video.

[@queenwizzard1853]

Whoa.... when I was 15 my boyfriend sexually assaulted me and continued to throughout our 5 year relationship. I was not educated then. I thought it couldn’t be assault or raps because he was my boyfriend (stupid I know). I would also just pretend those moments didn’t exist. I’ve also struggled with body dysmorphia and eating disorders as well. I was so ashamed of my body and I blamed myself for things that happened to me. I still to this day have not talked to anyone about the trauma I endured when I was younger. I still think about it every day. It crosses my mind at least once if not more times a day. I go back and forth w/ my eating disorders. I do awful then I get back on track. It’s a vicious cycle. This video made me want to reach out to someone to talk about my past. I now have a restraining order on another ex who stalked / threatened my life. He went to jail and was charged w/ 7 felonies over it. I relapsed during this time. I got better and got engaged to someone I really did love. Gained 40 pounds in this relationship. Two months before the wedding he left in the middle of the night and the following day had a new gf (who harassed me for 3 weeks). I never dealt with my emotions. I got heavily into fitness and thought I was being healthy. I wasn’t. I’m still struggling. I’m ready for change and to not blame myself for things people have done to me. Thank you.

[@elles3556]

QueenWizzard I’m so sorry this happened to you but I hope you can truly change and get back to being healthy 🧡 sending you all the best

[@ellastar7580]

your amazing. i definitely cna understand the mental health side with it being a call for help. i’m so proud ❤️

[@catherineboudreau8399]

I feel you girl, and thank you for sharing.

[@vehlkovjoh2042]

You are so strong and brave 💖

[@debbiegarces]

thank u so much for sharing this was so beautiful and reazlly helpful since im truly struggling with many ed hope to get through this

[@shenandoah1322]

As someone who has a history of disordered eating, including BED, I can assure you that you are far from being obese. I am working on my issues, and working hard to become physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually healthy. I actually am obese, which I know by my weight and my BMI, but I am following a heathy eating plan to get back to a healthy body.

[@georgeb5260]

Omg you are honestly stunning. I am so proud of you and I don't even know you 😂 thank you for sharing this!

[@Anelese7]

Wow a whole year covered by insurance. Very very lucky

[@CourtneyHill]

Ashley Kendrick i had select health which was known for NEVER cutting patients! We had always had shitty insurance that cut out way before i was ready in the past. That round of treatment my mom started claiming her benefits at work too! We had always just used my dads benefits, but my moms employer had select health insurance & we knew if we had that i would get as long as my therapist felt i needed! It made all the difference!

[@empoweringmindsets6667]

I made recovery videos too ❤️ yay for finding another strong warrior! You are amazing

[@guardiansanimalrescuestate7289]

Love ur kitty. Kitty toys help. Lol. I've struggled with anorexia for years and caused permanent damage to the point that I have an internal heart monitor under my skin etc......

[@claudiascott7952]

So so proud of you ❤️❤️

[@moe7411]

I've been depressed since I was like 13 (I'm almost 17 now) and nobody but like 4 of my friends know and 2 of my ex friends and I selfharmed on and off for about 3 years. Last time I did it was about 5 months ago. I struggle all the time with thoughts about selfharming and suicide (I've tried about 6 times maybe more I'm not sure) but so far I haven't.

[@Rtytanicj]

You’re a warrior, keep it up gorgeous!! 💜💜💜

[@PaulHosey-u3l]

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13 and started cutting when I was 14 but the eating disorder probably started around the time I was 22 and I never recovered either. But I stopped the cutting around the same time I started drinking so that probably just kinda replaced it.

[@taylorcoblentz3492]

So brave, wonderful to see how far you have come! 💜

[@daniellebabe1]

Thanks for sharing your story. Glad you got help and you are still doing well. You look beautiful. You are definitely not obsessed.

[@elliprefers6811]

You are so strong

[@acac101]

What would you do if you suspected someone you knew was going through an ED?

[@arianacampos6560]

If you do a QandA can you answer: 1. When did your period came back? 2. Did you still suffer from osteoporosis 3. Did your hair fell off? 4.

[@CourtneyHill]

Hi!! I actually just filmed my Q & A, but I'll answer those here for you :) My period came back after being weight restored for about 6 months. I didn't have full osteoporosis, but I was right outside having osteopenia. and yes, my hair fell out a LOT. I lost so much of it abd it stil hasn't recovered :(

[@arianacampos6560]

Thanku so much for your answer! Your so strong!!! You have inspire me

[@lolno4230]

Hey! Your video is very inspirational, it wasnt about looks but a cry for help which i love. And by the way, what breed is ypur cat? Its very cute❤ Stay strong and beautiful💖

[@calixomusicofficial]

i love your cat.

[@brittanygroen2501]

Your mom was probably in shock but why did she just let you go out of the drs office?! :( insane... I’m so glad your doing better now❤️

[@kileyhelm2559]

you are so beautiful inside and out

[@leahj1613]

I’m kinda at the early stage now, the in denial , I keep getting question and it makes me livid, and gaining weight is not an option for me, I get so overwhelmed when food is put in front of me, get so scared when choosing meals , I know I need help but I don’t know how to ask because once again weight gain is a no no, my parents will be so ashamed of me , I wanna ask but I don’t want to upset them or ruin my academic life 😭😐

[@vviolet934]

I know it’s terrifying and probably the last thing you want to do, but PLEASE talk to someone. I promise your parents will not be mad or ashamed of you, they love you and want the best for you and will help you without question. I won’t lie, recovery is really hard, but (for me at least) it is the mise worth it thing that I have ever done. Be brave, you can do it

[@jills3124]

Thank you so much for opening up, you're so amazing and strong 💖 (Also what kind of Kitty is that?)

[@CourtneyHill]

Jill S you’re so welcome! Thank YOU! And she’s a teacup Persian:$

[@jills3124]

@@CourtneyHill im obsessed w her shes such a cutie

[@geographychannals7356]

I love you.

[@justmarine519]

You are sooooo beautiful now! 😍😍😍

[@yesitsgeorgia7626]

I love you!!!

[@LloOFFICIAL]

A school field trip triggered mine. Damn you school😩😂😂