my boyfriend's hiding our relationship r/AITA 1 800 Drama Podcast

1 800 Drama Episode 20 is live! In this week's r/AITA deep dive, we discuss workplace boundaries with a pregnant colleague, forcing a religious boyfriend to announce a relationship, and whether to prioritise family wishes over personal wellbeing ... Grab a cuppa and let’s go fishing 🎣🍑✨
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[@AuthorEstherMitchell]

On the pregnant colleague: Speaking as someone who had a "miscarriage" at 5 mos (at the time, medicine wasn't as advanced as it is now, and there was no way to save my daughter, who died in my arms less than 2 mins after she was born), and who has since had a complete hysterectomy due to cancer, as well, I can completely empathize with OP. While I would be happy for a colleague's pregnancy innitially, if they contnued to constantly bring it up around me, after a few months, I would politely tell them that I have trauma around pregnancy and birth, and could she please refrain from constantly refering to it around me. If colleague then ignored me and continued to bring it up around me for months on end, I'm pretty sure I would snap, lose my cool, and tell them off proper, as well. I think the lack of sensitivity by the colleague to the fact that OP has expressed trauma, and asked politely that the colleague refrain from constantly discussing it around OP is the more offensive situation here.

[@floatingeyeballs44]

American here! Here in the US, we actually say, "rubs me the wrong way" instead of "rubs me up the wrong way." I've never heard another American say it with the "up" added in. It means the same thing. Also, we do commonly say "cuss out."

[@dothedo3667]

I feel like I haven't heard "cuss someone out" in a while, like at least 5 years

[@floatingeyeballs44]

@@dothedo3667 Huh. Maybe it's a southern thing?

[@Cometsarecool]

​@@dothedo3667I say that phrase, definitely a southern thing lol

[@lindenbug]

The secret relationship one is soooo rubbing ME the wrong way, because it sounds like there’s a part of OP that enjoys being the center of what she thinks is like the plot of some dramatic romance movie. Like news flash, this is real life, and boyfriend is just a teenager who doesn’t want to be disowned…

[@nicoleruser4909]

I hope you guys use that "Jamie's Metaphor Moment" theme music again, because that was hilarious!

[@musamaka9848]

Yes I loved that too, so I'm seconding useing it more

[@asterismos5451]

What makes it even funnier was that that was an analogy, not a metaphor XD

[@anacsadder]

Story 2: Did OP say April 2024? So they've been together for 5 months? And OP NEEDED to buy him an expensive watch because he's so important to her? OP is being way too intense, and needs to do a lot of maturing. I'm not going to say OP is toxicly controlling or manipulative, because OP might just be really immature and new to romantic relationships, but I really hope she grows from this. EDIT: I'm picturing OP giving the boyfriend the watch and being like, "Now this is how you'll tell them, okay? Promise you'll tell them. Seriously, promise. Promise you'll tell them." And then the boyfriend promising he'll tell them just to avoid a fight (which isn't healthy either, granted).

[@kyoneko87]

Not going to lie,she kinda sounds like a yandere with the way you imagined her

[@Rikigals]

The only line I really despised from the first story was “At least you have a uterus!” Nobody knows what’s going on with anyone else’s body. Just because she’s has one doesn’t mean it was absolutely a cake walk for her to get pregnant. To quote Brene Brown, “an empathetic response rarely, if ever, begins with ‘at least’.”

[@elyzabeth5671]

Exactly! What if she had miscarriages, there are a lot of serious repercussions for health or pregnancy is not turning out exactly as expected? OP is being very self-centred and inconsiderate, this is a whole different level of asshole

[@Phoenixrisn6287]

The religious relationship one reminds me of something that happened to me as a young adult. I chose to spend time with my boyfriend at the time instead of going to a church function I was informed of that very day. Later that week, my dad kicked me out of the house. I was 19 at the time. Yeah, those situations can have serious repercussions that a lot don't understand.

[@elaineb7065]

THIS SO MUCH!!! Religion can be a VERY STRONG THING in certain households, & the comparison to coming out the closet re sexuality or being enby/trans is spot on. You can't force somebody to come out, especially not if the repercussions are homelessness

[@Phoenixrisn6287]

@@elaineb7065 My family still doesn't know I'm enby! I know I would be ridicules and probably disowned if I told any of them.

[@julesy_jones6145]

love you guys! lol, "rubs me the wrong way" is 100% how american-english speakers use that phrase

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

I always associated that expression with how when you literally pet a dog or cat the wrong way, it makes them annoyed or downright mad😂

[@storytimeforgrowndups6052]

also in Australia

[@shaaba]

this explains so much 😂

[@errantwinds-up8uu]

@@HighAsHeckPriestess Yes I always thought it was about petting animals the wrong way! But yes very common in America.

[@katieshappell7586]

American here: I only recently noticed that Shaaba says "rubs me up the wrong way," and it suddenly sounded so weird! 😂 Funny that either one sounds creepy depending on which one you say normally.

[@PinkApocalypse]

As someone with autism who occasionally has meltdowns/goes nonverbal in restaurants, that first red green flag HURTS me. HUGE red flag UNLESS I have given you permission or asked for help, but I’ve had my mum jump in and speak for me in these situations in the past and I’m already feeling terrible so having someone treat me like a child or making decisions for me is humiliating

[@trentoliphant]

If someone has truly changed and recognized their own issues and what they did - then they need to be OK with realizing that they may never reconcile. Yes, it hurts - but if I am truly sorry for what I did to someone and love them - then I will want what is best for them. If that means that I they need to stay away from me - then I need to accept that.

[@PenelopeAstony]

Well said! I've rarely seen someone do that much work, healing, reflection and then come out and say "I've changed" Usually that level of healing has an understanding of the work never being done, and that you don't have the right to expect forgiveness. Just my two cents, tho.

[@rebeccajesse4604]

Yes. 1,000% yes. I have seen some people genuinely change for the better and I have never seen one of them believe they are owed forgiveness. When I hear of people thinking they are owed forgiveness then I think they aren’t as changed as they believe they are.

[@mujiescomedy279]

6:26 op didn’t tell coworker nothing at all. She told her it was a sensitive subject and that’s why it was tough to talk about it. Coworker completely ignored the feelings of OP

[@rebeccajesse4604]

For me I think the coworker just constantly forgot. It can be difficult to remember certain quirks of coworkers (depending on how many you have) that may arise only at certain times. And without a lot of data that may be how the coworkers brain filed it away without fully realizing this was a trigger. A bit self-absorbed but she is also dealing with a lot of new things if this is her first pregnancy or this one is different than her previous ones. I also think that OP may not be totally aware of where their boundaries were, this may be the first time dealing with this and didn’t realize that talking about body aches would be enough to trigger them. I think ESH and both need to apologize and learn from this to move forward. I think neither is fully at fault but both are a bit self absorbed in their own feels to realize that both of them need to improve in order to continue working together. I think the coworker needs to realize that they may be over sharing (hopefully they have a support network at home that they can shift this need to) and OP needs to be more comfortable with noticing, alerting and redirecting when a trigger is being pushed. “Hey I know you’re excited but can we talk about something else? This conversation is negatively affecting me”. Does not need to share information, and it can be hard and exhausting to do, but sometimes people need constant reminders (I am speaking as someone with ADHD and with a lot of friends with ADHD. With no emotional impact sometimes Info gets misfiled in my brain so I may need more than 1 reminder. )

[@mellie4174]

Exactly. If this is really an issue forExactly. If this is really an issue for this person and you want to set a boundary with people then you need to be honest about why. It's not like the colleague is a stranger. You know this person and see them every day. You can be honest about why you can't tolerate this so that pregnant colleague can understand and be empathetic towards op. this person and you want to set a boundary with people then you need to be honest about why. It's not like the colleague is a stranger. You know this person and see them every day. You can be honest about why you can't tolerate this so that pregnant colleague can understand and be empathetic towards op.

[@mujiescomedy279]

@@mellie4174 Rebecca’s point is good. But sorry, your comment is completely entitled. Just because you know a coworker, doesn’t mean they’re entitled to know all your personal issues. She said that it was a sensitive subject. That’s enough. You’re not entitled to know any more than that

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

​@@mellie4174 Nobody owes sharing their medical history to work colleagues or other acquaintances, and colleagues and acquaintances need to understand and respect this.

[@kolimarie]

I’ve come out to most of my family in the past week, and it feels good!

[@jennifers5560]

Congratulations!

[@kolimarie]

@@jennifers5560 thank you!!

[@Sofia-fp4mw]

Congratulations! That's amazing ❤❤❤❤

[@kolimarie]

@@Sofia-fp4mw thank you so much!!

[@tbella5186]

Congrats! Hope you feel good and accepted!

[@PenelopeAstony]

Hey Noa! Idk if you are reading this, but as a fellow enby (30 Y.O.) with C-PTSD, I would like to add my grain of salt! I fully agree with everything Shaaba and Jamie said, so well put and so balanced. I would like to add another thing to consider as well! With C-PTSD, as you likely know and experience, you have a generally higher likelihood of experiencing emotional triggers in life. Your mom was seemingly a HUGE source of that C-PTSD, and has been a long-term source of abuse for you. Lets say though, for the sake of argument, that she is a severely healed, much much better version of herself; Even if that's the case, the likelihood of you being triggered by your mom, even if she isn't leaning back into abusive behaviors, is seemingly high (from the outside looking in, and from the very little info we have to go on.) While there is certainly a possibility that having a relationship with your mom would be healing for YOU (cuz remember it's not just about your mom's and Nana's benefit here) and would possibly now be better, the chances of that happening vs continually being re-traumatized by even innocuous, non-abusive behaviors is MUCH greater, from my perspective. I think of it in a risk assessment stance. What are the rewards? What are the risks? Which ones are more likely? Which ones have history shown to be more of a pattern? Do I have evidence that this pattern has been strongly disrupted, and has changed? How long term has that change been? What have the efforts been to make said change? You do you, at the end of the day it's fully your decision, and hopefully your Nana's input on that can be as lowly considered as possible. While she might mean totally well, good intentions don't mean that your actions aren't harmful, and I feel like she is being a bit forceful with using the guilt of her death as a push for you to compromise your boundaries. Also, *I personally*, dont recommend rekindling that relationship. You sound very early on in your healing, newish to learning and exploring this beautiful newfound identity and way of understanding yourself in this world, and the risks of your mom throwing that off are extremely and concerningly high to me. Whatever you do, I hope you are SAFE, I hope you are LOVED and supported, your identity and expressions of it are embraced with curiosity and excitement, and I wish you nothing but strength, community, and resilience

[@cheshirecat1207]

Thank you for writing this. I was looking for that kind of comment and was about to write something similar. People often seem to underestimate the negative effects that meeting someone who was abusive can have on the mental health of the one who was abused.

[@PenelopeAstony]

@@cheshirecat1207 I totally agree.

[@cherenkov_blue]

I feel like the first story can be split into two parts: AITA for feeling this way, and AITA for what I did. The answer to the second part is definitely a yes, OP did overact in a pretty extreme way (to an admittedly annoying coworker who I think also deserves some blame for continuing to bring the subject up). The answer to the first though? Absolutely not. Your feeling are valid. Your feelings are always valid. It's what you do with them that determines whether or not you're in the wrong.

[@popularreject626]

I feel like this is the case with most of these kinds of post. It feels sort of like they are asking the wrong question. Like you kinda know you were maybe not right in how you reacted but feel justified in doing so by the context of the situation. Which is also fair because nothing exists in a vacuum.

[@rebeccawiens4224]

I totally agree with the outing comparison for the religious story. I had planned to come out to my parents my first year of college when i had some level of safety and security. I was outed a year before that. Even though the worst didn't happen, it's a terrible feeling to live in a house knowing that you are not fully loved and accepted and having to walk on eggshells because one wrong move could mean serious consequences.

[@CazAvery]

I am currently pregnant (7 months as well) and I am SUPER aware of how much I'm talking about it at work because I don't want it to be the only thing I'm talking about. It comes up a lot and lots of people seem to *want* to talk to me about it all, but I also put quite a lot of effort into making sure I talk about other things (what's happening with other people, just literally any other topic etc). I think the way OP snapped wasn't great and did feed into the drama, but equally if I had only been talking about pregnancy for the last 5 months and my colleague had said 'hey can we talk about literally anything else' then I would also be the drama if I didn't make some effort to talk about other things. That said, commenting on back ache absolutely could have been a non-pregnancy thing for me as well as a pregnancy thing... Before I became pregnant we had a lot of issues conceiving (it took a long time), and I did have to remove myself from various conversations with colleagues at work when people were talking about their babies etc. But I equally cannot imagine shouting at any of them when they had those conversations (at least once daily, they love their kids and that's fine!) even when they absolutely DID know why I didn't want to be in those conversations. It was my boundary for myself, not to prevent them from talking about a topic that's important to them. This is a long version of yeah, I think in that scenario Everybody Sucks Here.

[@rebeccajesse4604]

Agreed. I also think that OP doesn’t fully know where to draw their boundaries and doesn’t fully realize what may or may not be triggering. Which is fair, it can be hard to fully identify them. But from the sound of it, OP brought it up once then expected that to be enough to last for months. I think if OP had consistently either excused themselves from the convo or asked to change topics, most people would have a more considered response and remember more consistently to talk about different topics. I think this story is a break down in communication and both OP and the coworker being lost in their feels as they navigate these very different and difficult emotions.

[@rebeccajesse4604]

Also, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope that you are enjoying (and also not enjoying the sucky side effects, having to pee all the time sounds unpleasant ) the journey and that you and your family have a lifetime of growth, challenges (teens and toddlers can suck), and happiness!

[@Hillari.Burgess]

When I was that pregnant, it was really hard for it to not come up in conversation constantly. I worked at a dance studio and I felt like every person who walked through the door wanted to know all about how I was doing. Also, as it was my first pregnancy, I was constantly having new experiences, new pain, new sensations, new limitations on what I can and can't do, and it felt all-consuming, if I'm going to be honest. So I do sympathize with Coworker if only because she was sharing her reality. I don't know what it's like to have or struggle with infertility, but 1) Its not totally clear to me if coworker is aware, only that OP asked her to lay off the baby talk that one time, and 2) is she supposed to just pretend that being 7 months pregnant isn't affecting her when it clearly is? Idk. I really get the sense that OP is finding fault where there is none if the thing that sent her over the edge was talk of swollen feet. I know she has personal trauma surrounding pregnancy, but we live in a world where pregnant people exist and she needs to figure and a way to manage her own feelings or remove herself from that coworker

[@mellie4174]

Wow. So she berated him so badly that he just stood there mouth open and couldn't respond. Like how is that a way to treat someone you love!? That's the least compassionate and understanding thing I've ever seen a person that supposedly loves someone.

[@stacylitwin1466]

As a 34 yr old w/ ARFID, I FULLY support having someone else order for you!! Because if I order and it's wrong then I'm like well that's my fault for being weird, but if my partner orders something and it's wrong, he's 100% going to say something lol. To be fair after 10 years together he'll correct an order for me no matter what because he knows if I got something I won't eat then I literally just won't eat rather than making it someone else's problem

[@rage_of_aquarius]

My friend has this (and crippling anxiety) and always brings a lunchbox if we're going out. If someone tries to reprimand her, her girlfriend always explains for her and brings up ADA rules.

[@KiboSanti]

If my partner or best friend is ordering, it's fine, but anyone else, noooo thank you.

[@kai6377]

As someone with high anxiety and a low tone of voice (I have such a hard time speaking loudly enough for people to hear me on a socially acceptable distance when it's noisy), I am 100% behind you xD Tbf, I think Jamie and Shabaa were thinking of someone else picking your food for you when they order with no previous informed consent, so different situations. Also, not saying anxiety and ARFID are the same, just that I agree that it's ok to order for someone if there's consent to do so. And I just learned about ARFID now because of this comment, so thank you as well :p

[@circewiborn]

You’ve just taught me something important about myself. When I was sixteen/seventeen I had what I thought was anorexia up until now. After googling ARFID and reading the article I found, I realize it was ARFID all along. Thank you for inadvertently educating me.

[@Sami86K]

My husband doesn’t want me to be around him when he’s mad, he needs time to process quietly. Then when he’s ready, he comes to me to talk it out more calmly. It was hard for me to get used to, because I’m a very vocal person. My younger self wouldn’t have done well in my marriage! I don’t think that 18 yr old is ready for such a serious relationship! And they 100% should also never assume that why they are not telling their parents has anything to do with you personally!!!

[@jennifers5560]

When my wife and I were dating, she was out, I was not. We wanted to move in together, but she said that she did not want to live together as “roommates”. She said that she would not move in until I came out at least to my family. (My house is literally 4 houses away from my parents’ house, so it would have been very hard to hide our relationship.) I told her I couldn’t right now and she basically broke up with me. It only took me 3 days to realize I made a wrong choice. I came out to my parents and she moved in. I don’t really look at it like she gave me an ultimatum, but I am glad that she gave me that little push. I don’t think I would have come out on my own. And after it was all said and done, I wished I would have come out sooner!

[@PirateQueen1720]

That sounds like a healthier way of communicating about wishes and boundaries than the teenagers in the example! You both were being clear about what you felt like you needed at the time (rather than a bunch of guilt-tripping and pressuring)...and if you then changed your mind and were like "No, you know what, this is worth the risk!", that's fine too. And it sounds like you were happy with the outcome!

[@jennifers5560]

@@PirateQueen1720 oh yes, we will be celebrating being together for 26 years this Friday!

[@toddashi]

@@jennifers5560 Congratulations! I'm happy for you both!

[@jennifers5560]

@@toddashi Thank you kindly!

[@rebeccajesse4604]

So glad it worked out for you! I love hearing stories of people finding happiness through being their true selves! You were both extremely brave and risked a lot and I am so glad you guys worked through it!

[@Egg_thing]

With the first story OP said that what set her off was the colleague talking about how her back hurts and her feet are swollen and I think a big factor is how did these complaints come up. Was this small talk or was it her needing a break or needing some help because she was in pain? Cause being tall is not really something you need help with (and therefore need to bring up), but being pregnant absolutely does change how you function and how many accommodations you need

[@chiarardn2401]

That last one hit way too close to home for comfort! I'm not the peach who sent the story in, but I just as well could be. So thank you, Shaaba and Jamie, for your kind words. Receiving your verdict of NTA did me a lot of good!

[@noa_thinks]

me too. i wondered if i accidentally sent this in because my name is noa and i’m also an enby 😅

[@animeartist888]

Very much the same except with less intensity- no diagnosed mental health effects, and my grandfather only mentions it now and then. But when he does, it really makes me want to just leave and not come back to visit again. This is not a "apologize and make up" kind of situation, Poppy. I don't want her in my life AT ALL. He just can't understand that.

[@artheenbyrogue804]

For Noa, I usually think of it as "what would i tell my friend if they were going through this?" And do exactly what I would tell them. If your friend was going through the exact same thing and if they came to you with this problem, if you'd tell them no don't contact the mom, then maybe you also shouldn't contact your mom. (I hope that makes sense).

[@PenelopeAstony]

Great tactic, I love this! And I really hope Noa gets the help and advice they need. I often ask my friends, "okay but, would you say this to ME instead of yourself if I was the one going through this?" Frequently the answer is no, and that leaves people with a lot to challenge. I ask myself this CONSTANTLY and turns out I have ridiculously high expectations of myself compared to others.

[@Zapporah85]

I am completely and fully on your side in the first one, and I think that the way Shaaba phrased the suggested apology is 100% perfect.

[@elaineb7065]

Same. I was totally Everybody Stinks Here. Colleague didn't shut up after being told nicely, & OP went too far with the outburst

[@nathryl03]

This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little peaches, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

[@5210smile]

100% with Jamie on the cutting people out. There may be .01% of abusers that change like Shaaba said, but...

[@Rikrobat]

I do agree with the badge of ESH for the first story provided that OP is being truthful when she says this is all her colleague talks about. She’s pregnant, so I think it’s normal to want to talk about what’s going on with how she’s doing. However, if she doesn’t change the topic or be considerate of conversation etiquette, then I do understand where others would get annoyed. That said, I do think there needs to be some grace on the side of others. Pregnancy is a big deal and it’s likely the main thing a person is going through. Of course it’s going to dominate their talking points. Same thing when parents talk primarily about what’s going on with their kids. Making it so they can’t talk about it at all would be unfair. As long as OP apologizes for the blow-up and maybe emphasizes to her coworker again that there needs to be variety in conversation for everyone’s sake, then I’m solid on ESH.

[@s.a.4358]

Infertility is also a big deal but you don’t hear OP talking everyday about it. This is a workplace and not a friends get-together, so it is fair that OP doesn’t want to have to deal with pregnancy talk everyday. The colleague can talk about it but she shouldn’t make the conversation at work all about her pregnancy every day. Same thing with coworkers who talk about their kids all the time. Yes to small talk, but your colleagues don’t care about getting a week-to-week update about your pregnancy.

[@FarraigeQ]

Story 2- op is the drama. Relationships are about communication and two ways agreement when you tell your family. It’s tough to hide your relationship and if you can’t handle it that relationship is not the right one for you especially when you’re still super young

[@elaineb7065]

It's his family, & he's the one who knows what they're like, & if they'd say, throw him out the house for being in a relationship. She can't force him into it. Plus, both are still young, so there's a lot to figure out re who you are & who you want to be with. And that's why she's TD

[@MysticMinis-ol3co]

The one with the mum is hard and it’s even harder when someone has family emotionally manipulating them. Personally will always be against ever saying to anyone “…but they’re family so you just need to do xyz…” so completely agree with the gran is the drama verdict. Even if she isn’t meaning to purposely be manipulative and is being genuine, she still should know better than to say something like that

[@KathrynwithaY]

When I was pregnant I barely mentioned it unless asked. I didn't talk about it alot because I didn't think it was important for others to hear about it. If I was asked, I'd talk about it - but I didn't go on about it. I didn't not talk about it a lot because it may upset people - I just didn't feel the need to talk about it all the time.

[@Shelindreaire]

As a woman who could not bear children I must say that the way OP stated things was over the top and somewhat uncoothe. However, I think a kinder way of saying it was in order. I agree with you two, everybody sucks. No one's hands are clean in this situation.

[@aurorafraire2528]

I would say that maybe the first OP is feeling upset about the pregnant coworker constantly talking about her pregnancy because she is feeling that coworker is complaining about her pregnancy, when OP would be grateful to be able to have a child. I know pregnancy is very rough, but it feels like maybe OP was in the moment thinking that her coworker was acting like she hates the symptoms of her pregnancy, when she made the choice to become pregnant.

[@katie6731]

Agreed. I hope the pregnant coworker apologizes to OP, too, and then either actually stops talking about her pregnancy or moves to another office. Full disclosure: I have serious medical issues, and they've caused hubs and me to not have the children we'd hoped for. We're forty-five now. I feel empathy for OP that's informed by my own situation, so, I'm definitely biased.

[@SLYKM]

This isn't it. Just bc someone else would be grateful to have the symptoms of pregnancy, and there, I will stop right there, bc no one likes those symptoms of pregnancy even if you love your baby. You can have a miracle baby and those moments of relief and joy will still come with "I feel like crap why do I have to live right now." "Don't complain about symptoms you chose to be pregnant," is not reasonable bc coworker wasn't blaming people for being pregnant, they were making a matter of fact statement about their discomfort. Which, no, I don't care if you want a baby, that doesn't mean you forfeit your own feelings about the symptoms? What.

[@aurorafraire2528]

@@SLYKM I wasn't saying that OP wasn't in the wrong or shouldn't apologize, I was just kind of getting that vibe from the text.

[@rebeccajesse4604]

I can see that. I agree that ESH but I do have some grace for the coworker, she may not have felt she was talking about her pregnancy by talking about back/feet pain, and it can be difficult to remember who/when you can talk about your daily life with for months on end. Especially if you don’t know the emotional reasons behind that request (I am NOT saying OP owes anyone that info, but emotionally charged info does affect how the brain stores/processes information). I think OP may need some therapy to help process why she had such a strong reaction to this so that moving forward she can learn to handle similar situations better. I also think that the coworker may need to learn about different triggers and try to understand that it wasn’t an attack on her out of the blue (which it probably felt like) but a response to poking a painful subject. Not necessarily her fault but she still caused some pain. I think she would be more receptive to this once she is able to separate “did something bad” from “I am totally at fault”. Op is responsible for her emotional response and the coworker is responsible for not respecting boundaries (although I do think she probably forgot or just didn’t realize how broad the boundary was, which OP might not have even been aware of as well). I think both need to realize they handled this badly in different ways and learn from it moving forward.

[@Fragmented_Mask]

Really liked the commentary on that last one about individual's rights to forgive someone or not, or to move on or not. I was previously in a relationship which was incredibly unhealthy, and the way I was treated was not okay. Eventually I ended the relationship because of this and completely cut contact. Over time, I worked through my baggage, and thinking about my ex and the relationship became less triggering. Over a decade later, I randomly bumped into my ex, and we had a pretty civil conversation about where we were at and what we were doing, after which they kept insisting that we should be friends. I said no, even though it disappointed them. I had forgiven them for hurting me, but that didn't mean I wanted them in my life. Our conversation gave me a final bit of closure, but that chapter of my life was closed and I didn't want it reopened. And yeah, I knew that ultimately disappointed them, but it was my right to make that decision and look after my own interests there.

[@s.a.4358]

I completely feel you. I am someone who with time always forgives (timeframe depending on what the person did), because I do not want to have “enemies”, but forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting something happened. Forgiving simply means not holding on to the hurt and anger, and I think it is something we do more for ourselves than for the other person. However it’s perfectly acceptable to not want to interact with the person anymore. If you happen to bump into them, it’s one thing to be civil, but there is no need to interact on purpose or let them back into your life.

[@PenelopeAstony]

So well said! I'm really glad you were able to heal and move on, while also not feeling like you need to invite them back into your life. That might have been difficult for you, and if it was, I'm very impressed! We don't owe anyone a relationship with us, especially not after the hurt they've caused. We can if we WANT to, but no obligation should exist. This is similar to me with my Dad. Love the guy to pieces, but the way he harmed me growing up is something that has left a lasting, raw wound that I'm still deep into healing at 30. He's done a lot to grow and change, and he isn't "all better" and I don't think he will be, but generally speaking he's a mostly safe and enjoyable person to be around now. I won't be having contact with him though, it's not worth it to me to spend my energy and emotional spoons on someone who I'd be better off moving on from, and spending that energy on a different and much more fulfilling connection(s), like the ones I have with the beautiful friends and chosen family in my life now.

[@stroodledoodles]

The grandma in the last story is the drama, pulling the 'do this before I die' card is automatically a shitty move because not only is it manipulative but it shows that they don't actually care for the wellbeing for the person who was wronged/traumatized. They simply want them to return to the status quo so they don't have to admit that there is a problem.

[@adeliecn1763]

The 1st story reminds me of a colleague who separated from her husband and would manage to weave comments about their divorce in EVERY. SINGLE. SITUATION. Someone talks about bad traffic that morning? She talks about how she has to adapt to a new commute now that she lives at her parents because of her divorce. Someone is watering the plants? Well, she has some gardening advice, because she's been helping in her parent's backyard since, you know, she had to move because of her divorce. We're holding a farewell drink for a person who's switching jobs? Oh, she can totally relate to such a big change, because of her divorce. At some point, the sympathy ends and the annoyance starts. No one ever snapped (that I know off), but the pointed, passive-aggressive comments were piling up.

[@sydneywright6545]

GREEN FLAG: I order the exact same thing at the restaurants that I go to every time that I go. I have extreme social anxiety and hate ordering for myself or talking to the wait staff in any way shape or form. Having someone order for me is wonderful. A lot of times I will tell who I am with what I am ordering before the waiter arrives so that they can order it for me.

[@elaineb7065]

I'd say: first date & they don't know you: red red red!!! They know you well & think you'll like this & know it fits your requirements & preferences, green

[@shirleymarie2288]

Same

[@smp6565]

My two cents to the watch story: people have not mentioned how FRESH the relationship still is. They're very young too so theyre just expecting their partner to potentially destroy their relationship with their family over a very new relationship still in the "getting to know" phase?! Poor kid

[@kierstenburtz8442]

The first OP I think had a valid reaction. Especially since she'd told the coworker previously that it was a sensitive subject. Was it rude? Yes. Does it warrant an apology? Yes. Was the coworker in the wrong for continuing to talk about it after she was asked politely not to because it is a sensitive topic? Also yes.

[@undefinederror40404]

"You're asking a pregnant woman not to be happy, because you're unhappy" and that comment is telling someone who is hurting to be quiet about their hurt because someone else is happy. Not just that, but to let the happy person repeatedly rub salt in the wound. Unfair, as Shaaba and Jamie said the comments seem to ignore that the coworker was already asked to stop mentioning it. Yes OP lashed out, but both of them had behaved unprofesionally already. Plus, OP already said she was going to apologize. The comments in the reddit were absolutely lacking empathy for OP, who has gone through something very serious and as a result cannot become pregnant while she wants to. The comments were way too rude and inconsiderate.

[@s.a.4358]

The sad reality is that the majority of people have little understanding and compassion for infertility. Watching people around you be pregnant when you keep trying but it isn’t happening, the comments of “don’t you want kids”, “when are you guys having children or “you shouldn’t wait too long, you are not getting any younger”, having to deal with medical professionals who are not always pleasant, going through IVF and it not working, having to navigate different options such as adoption and being scrutinised to see if one is fit to be a parent… It’s great that the coworker is pregnant and yes we are happy for her, but it can also be really difficult to deal with the associated emotions. Especially when someone keeps talking and complaining about the pregnancy every day.

[@qryptid]

I've recently been injured and can't walk. Should I expect no one around me to ever complain about how their feet hurt from walking or standing too much because I'm suffering and struggling to adapt to my newly disabled life? No that's ridiculous, other people should get to live their lives and talk about things that are bothering them, even if they make me or someone else feel some kinda way. Sometimes people say things that make you uncomfortable or remind you of hurtful things, that's life, we shouldn't be able to tell other what to do and what they can and can't talk about in a social space

[@t3hwaddledee]

@@qryptidthere’s a difference between “ugh my feet hurt, must be from moving furniture in the house” after a weekend, and “my feet hurt. guys my feet are so sore. my feet huuuuuurt idk if I can walk to my car” etc etc every day, constantly, though. I think this lady and her pregnancy fall in the latter category. Lie, it’s not just infertile folks that don’t want to hear about it. Like…yea, coworker, everyone can see you’re fucking pregnant, please find other topics to talk about. There’s a whole world out there and it’s not revolving around your fetus.

[@solsystem1342]

​@@qryptid Sure but like, they're not constantly talking about walking for 7 months now are they?😂

[@qryptid]

@solsystem1342 you're right people complain about having to walk far or how their feet hurt on a regular basis for their entire lives lmao. Even more reason OP is TAH that she couldn't just put up with it for a few months

[@hatchetfieldharpie3276]

On the first story I’m torn. It was a rather harsh response, but they’d been pushed pretty far and finally snapped. I generally think if someone has been respectfully asked to please not talk to them about a trigger and they continue to do so, the person continually bringing up the trigger to the triggered person is the asshole, and potentially an intentional one. In this case, I’m not clear on if she recognized that it was part of a trigger. The way I think of it is if someone had been attacked by a dog and now discussions of dogs trigger them, I wouldn’t be bringing up a new puppy to them. And if for months I end I kept bringing up dogs when they asked me to please not, and then they snapped at me, I would be apologizing to them because I’d realize I’d been crossing their boundaries repeatedly and feel bad (Shaaba is a very kind person and I really appreciate her response too)

[@s.a.4358]

I agree. OP has asked the coworkers to stop and it seems like other colleagues are also getting irritated, so the coworker is clearly being insensitive about other people. OP was not correct to snap at the coworker but I can understand the frustration when this has been going on for months and has already been addressed politely in the past without any result.

[@angiep2229]

Okay first story. To self identify, I'm a mom of two, biological, went through the pregnancies, all that. And I'm AuDHD with all the hyperfixation goodness. I talk obsessively about the things that I have going on. I'm a weird birb lady and I constantly talk about my birbs. I definitely talked about my pregnancies. But then the question is whether the current hyperfixation is the *only* thing I"ll talk about. It's possible I need reminding, but I certainly can make an effort to be sensitive and talk about other things. I'm a huge nerd and I have lots of nerdy special interests I love to discuss. I'd be surprised if the person in this story didn't have SOMETHING else of interest. But I also think she just forgot, and it's perfectly okay to express that her back is hurting her. So I guess I have a very gentle "everybody sucks here," even though I feel compassion for everybody in this scenario. Hope OP works things out okay with their apology.

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

My thing about the first story is: was it ACTUALLY constant talk about pregnancy, or did the colleague just happen to have experiences in her body at work that happened to be constant (aches and pains, badly timed kicks) and affecting her ability to function at work? If it's the latter, I would say OP is the drama. I'm sure colleague isn't running around the office saying "gee I sure feel pregnant today wowzers I got the pregnants real bad". Was the colleague talking to OP, or was OP overhearing a conversation? Is the colleague not allowed to have conversations with OTHER coworkers about the pregnancy if they care? Jamie's height analogy doesn't fit because no one is suffering with being tall. Pregnancy is scary and uncomfortable.

[@CMelon-xe1qc]

I think we know that it IS constant talk because it wasn’t just OP who said that, it was also the person that was next to them after they yelled at this person

[@SharylLacroix]

The colleague could have been constantly talking about her food cravings, and getting the nursery ready, and the baby clothes and accessories they were buying or getting, and their discussions about baby names, and her last prenatal appointment, and the gender reveal party they are having, and so on. For someone who is preoccupied with their own life experiences there is always plenty to talk about.

[@inkypunk]

Yeah it feels weird because the thing that pushed OP over the edge was coworker expressing discomfort caused by her pregnancy and if it was exclusively mentioning her aches and pains, OP would be overreacting. But it sounds more like this was just the final straw because it seems she's making EVERY conversation about her pregnancy.

[@KiboSanti]

I'm tokophobic and pregnancy makes me super uncomfortable. I realize that's a "me problem", and I try not to make it anyone else's, but I do have a limit. I will set boundaries and redirect conversations if it gets to be too much. I can handle most the usual "new baby fuss", but sometimes people share way too many details.

[@LiteraryChic]

I would agree with you (that it could be the pregnant person actually wasn’t over the top and op just was sensitive) if it wasn’t for another coworker who admitted they avoided the pregnant one.

[@SparkleMechEng]

The second story really hit home for me. I am ex-religious, and I dated a childhood friend for a few weeks when I was 17. He broke up with me via text to my dad because I wasn't ready to tell my religious fundamentalist parents about us. Also, in my religion we literally keep the holy books in a closet that's called "the holy closet" so when leaving is nicknamed "coming out of the holy closet"

[@Lady_Eleven]

"You didn't want to give him a watch, you just wanted to create an opportunity." YES THIS EXACTLY. It REEKS of manipulation. The instant that story was described the watch felt like nothing more than a tool to use against the boyfriend. If it weren't, then the two things wouldn't be connected. The OP was trying to buy their BF's compliance and that feels so gross to me. I know this person is young and I want to cut them some slack but I really really really hope they see they did a shitty thing here. Now even if they don't break up, OP has spent a large sum of money on an item that represents all the negative qualities of their relationship. It was never a gift, it was a bargaining chip, and calling it a gift insults the concept of gifts.

[@CMelon-xe1qc]

I think for me is the difference between we need to not say anything because it could possibly hurt someone Is that op specifically told this person that it was hurting them

[@SetoKaibaman]

no matter how many of these podcasts i watch, i always expect jamie to follow up shaaba's "be kind" with "rewind!" am i just old

[@katieshappell7586]

You are just old. And so am I. I do the same thing. 😄

[@rebeccajesse4604]

Thank you!!! My brain always adds that in! Although I may be old as well (early 30s) and I lived in the years of VHS.

[@anniesearle6181]

I have to disagree and say that for the first story, while the op is an arse, the pregnant lady is much worse, simply because infertility, miscarriages and child loss are incredibly common. If you're pregnant and someone in your life specifically tells you that they're sensitive about the topic, especially at work, you should absolutely be careful about the topic. Op might not even be the only one at the office struggling with it. Yes op should have done something about it before it escalated but seriously, it is common decency to make a note of something a coworker is grieving about

[@sassylittleprophet]

I agree.

[@Zapporah85]

I don't disagree with you, but I think I'm more inclined to give the Pregnant lady grace because I have such an aversion to pregnancy and children that I overcorrect and try to be more kind than maybe is needed. I agree with the ESH badge, but I fully respect yours as well!

[@LifeisFoo]

However, the CO worker was noting physical ailments. She has the right to note of physical ailments are effecting her tolerance for her job. I do think esh, but I think op is more ta

[@mudlizardz]

But your own traumas don't get to dictate what people get to talk about. Coming from someone who has triggers around both common and uncommon things. Talking about something major in your life because it's affecting your day to day is not an asshole thing to do whether people find it annoying or not. The coworker is NOT talking about infertility or miscarriages. Pregnancy is something that will be around you no matter what because it is also a common experience. It's something OP will have to come to terms with. It's of course great to be considerate, but what's happening with her coworker is her own life, her own body, her own experiences. OP didn't give example that the coworker was going around saying stuff like 'oh every woman should experience pregnancy!' or other similarly presumptuous language. I would say that would make someone a major asshole for a variety of reasons. But as far as we know that's not the case. Many traumas are common, but others are not obligated to stop talking about any topic that may have trauma surrounding around it. It's easier said than done and I again say this as someone who doesn't react well to triggers at all lol, so I feel for OP (even if I cannot relate to their exact trauma). It is a constant struggle.

[@s.a.4358]

I completely agree with you, especially because OP did previously mention that she has trauma around the topic and the pregnant coworker talks about her pregnancy all the time. It’s fine to talk about her pregnancy (I don’t think OP is expecting that it will never be mentioned) but not constantly when she knows OP is triggered. A lot of people have so little compassion and understanding for people who suffer from infertility.

[@atinydiane]

My parents met at 15, started dating at 17, and got married at 19 (they had me at 21). As far as I know, they're still together 47 years later (I'm no contact with them because... well, we're not talking about how HEALTHY their relationship is). But they constantly had people telling them it wouldn't last either. Granted, a bunch of their friends and siblings ALSO got married that young (we're of Mennonite heritage, so getting married from 16-19 was common in their generation) and maybe 90% have since gotten divorced, so... (same with friends I've had that got married at 18-20 - they're all divorced now). Odds are against the success of a relationship that started that young, but that's still not a guarantee that it CAN'T last and it's SUPER rude for anyone to assume your relationship is one of the ones that will fail (you two are a couple I love to watch because I love how healthy your communication style is, since I've never had a relationship like that :D).

[@twinning1944]

Story 1: so glad Shaaba explained her thinking further. Also glad they addressed the fact that yelling at work isn’t ok. Still huge sympathies to OP.

[@nebulan]

"Rubs me the wrong way" is the American saying meaning "makes me uncomfortable"

[@bridgetcooney5085]

I'd say it has a flavor of irritation as well

[@PenelopeAstony]

"Rubs me UP the wrong way" had me ROLLING lmao Shaaba is so funny that she has ascended to making accidental jokes

[@nebulan]

@bridgetcooney5085 yeah it def has flavor to it hence the saying and not just "it make me uncomfortable and irritated". It's also like you can't put a finger on what is actually uncomfortable about it? But also like "it's like nails on a chalk board put into a lotion and applied to my neck" lol

[@nebulan]

@PenelopeAstony I wonder if that's the actual saying in the uk? I just keep thinking "feels me up" and that completely changes the meaning of the phrase!

[@Sophie_Cleverly]

​@@nebulan yeah we do say "up" in the British version lol

[@ezrab7665]

this came at such a great time !! really missing home at uni as i’ve just moved in, can’t wait

[@shaaba]

hugs to you, hope you’re settling in well! the homesick feelings will become smaller soon and replaced with fun and exciting new vibes, hang in there! 🍑✨

[@jobowen5803]

The first one (whilst absolutely an ESH because of the shouting), struck me as more nuanced than just whether or not it's someone else's responsibility if something is triggering, because it was in a shared office workplace, where OP cannot just remove themself from that colleague's presence without jeopardising their work. I do think that workplaces should be safe spaces for everyone, and what that looks like for each group is different, and in this situation, pregnancy, is not an appropriate open office workplace topic of conversation. Anything which could be highly controversial, inflamatory or triggering is probably not needed or conducive to team dynamics and work. Just like someone's personal inflamatory views on immigration, the inner details of their sex lives, or talking the room through their bowel movements might not be appreciated. In my opinion, continuing to bring up a personal topic that has been flagged as one that makes a colleague uncomfortable and upset, in a workplace setting that they can not avoid, is at least as unprofessional and hurtful as raising your voice to make a hurtful comment to shut that down. Absolutely, celebrate your joy and upcoming little squish along with all the trials and tribulations, but do so with those who have expressed interest and have made it clear this is a topic they are happy to engage in. So for me, still an ESH, but with more responsibility on the colleague/the actual workplace for not wnforcing those boundaries.

[@lisamichelle2837]

For the first one I think the pregnant colleague is the drama. She does not need to know the specific medical history of her coworker to be considerate when asked.

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

I think colleague sucks a little more because they had been told it was hard to hear about it. I would request if they can move offices, because she did say she shared one with her. She probably should have as soon as she realized she was triggered. I am disabled and can't have kids despite wanting them. I know how it can twinge when hearing about things you cannot do. 99% of the time i can brush it off, but there are times it hurts like a gut punch. The comments are ridiculous. I agree ESH. I wish OP had acted proactively and removed herself though.

[@omnx5299]

For the first one I would give NTA instead, because OP established a clear boundary several times before flipping out. Said boundary has been ignored by OP's colleague, sure what she did did'nt warrant such an extreme reaction but we can understand why OP was upset. And I think she is allowed to be angry that her colleague ignores the boundary she set as much as OP's colleague is allowed to be exited by her pregnancy.

[@mishripettinger6242]

With the first story, i can't bring myself to call op the drama, thinking about the fact that they told their colleague multiple times not even just once before and they've been completely ignored, i honestly wouldn't be surprised if colleague is intentionally rubbing it in their face (not saying they are it would just make sense to me). They were immediately told "hey could you please not talk about this in front of me it's a very sensitive topic" and they've gone out of their way to constantly bring it up ever since when it's not necessary. They could just be excited but still, it's pure inconsideration

[@BeholdenProductions]

Totally agree with the NTD badge for the last story. OP should do what’s right for them, whether that’s reconciling or not. If their mum is narcissistic, it’d totally fit the profile for the mum to be playing the victim with family and seeming really remorseful, which aren’t actually helpful. I can relate to OP as I went no contact with my mum for 10 months, and got a ton of pressure to reconcile from family. In my case my precondition for talking to her again from the beginning of NC was that we do family therapy together, which we eventually did (hence ending at 10 months). Therapy was really helpful in our case, but certainly not for the reasons I thought it would be. She hadn’t changed and wouldn’t, but I developed new and better understanding and coping skills so that it’s easier for me to manage our challenging relationship. If OP wanted to try family therapy and give reconciliation a go, it could be worth it. But ONLY if OP wants to do that for themselves, it’d be hard on OP and all involved and grandma shouldn’t pressure of guilt OP into taking steps they aren’t ready for or may never want to take. Hang in there!! ❤❤❤

[@grandy_rho]

Wow, that last one hit home. I went no contact with my mother a little over a year ago. Last month I got a call from my grandmother asking me to let my mother come to my house "because, she might apologize". She did not. She gave me my baby book, told me she was moving and that she missed me, and left. It absolutely fricked with my mental health. Those "shoulds" can really mess you up

[@always_1895]

The second story reminds me a lot of my brother and his partner (both high school age)- she has a whole list of things that her parents can’t know until she’s able to support herself, including having a boyfriend, being queer, and not being religious. It could genuinely be dangerous for them to figure all that out right now, and (thanks to COMMUNICATION!) everyone agrees that pretending people are single and using deadnames around their parents is well worth her not getting kicked out of the house.

[@ardenchaplin5389]

On the topic of pregnancy: Anyone I saw regularly knew I was pregnant but I never pushed the topic unless someone initiated that conversation. For example if someone asked how I was I’d give a general “I’m okay but kinda tired/bloated/sore” but wouldn’t say “oh pregnancy is awful and I can’t wait to meet the baby and baby is beautiful on the scan etc”. I had friends and family that weren’t quite able to engage in those pregnancy conversations like friends that were dealing with infertility or multiple miscarriages. I had a friend say she still wanted to hear about my baby but another just wasn’t ready beyond a quick “hello I’m 20 weeks and I’m okay”. I always respected that boundary and even let her know in advance of if I was posting online. She unfollowed me for a period and I think that’s perfectly healthy

[@circewiborn]

For the lovely peach Noa who sent in their story: I have a saying I live by; everyone deserves a second chance, but not from the people they hurt. If someone hurts you, you have every right to cut them out and never give them another chance even if they decide to change. You can give them a second chance if you want to, but as the victim, you owe them nothing. Everyone deserves a second chance, but not from the people they’ve hurt.

[@redlobter]

You two are probably my favorite internet couple. You just have such a cute and healthy relationship ❤️ As a young person, you guys are the model of what I want my future relationship to look like. Love you 😘❤️

[@laartje24]

Me yesterday, watching the short being, oh right Jamie is Trans. Me today hearing Shaaba is on her period, oh right Shaaba is cis. I swear I have the worst memory, my brain just defaults with everyone in front of me to "human who deserves to be treated nicely and with respect"

[@dragonofmordor]

Sometimes even if someone has changed, for your own mental health you can't let them back in. I was super bullied as a kid to an abusive level both by peers and teachers to the point I have PTSD from it. One of the peers tried to get in contact to apologize. I had my mother tell them I appreciated the apology, but wasn't ready to be able to talk to them.

[@malter95]

The bit about ordering for someone else ties back to the bougie chicken wings dilemma and I think I finally have an answer: whoever orders food should be prepared to take responsibility for whatever they order. There's also a difference between suggesting what someone else should order (commonly done when the person taking the suggestion is trying a new cuisine that the person making the suggestion is more familiar with) and straight up ordering for them without input from them. So, red flag if it's done without their input, green flag if it's with input or more of a suggestion, and DOUBLE red flag if you do it without input and expect them to pay.

[@SyncityVengeance]

To Noa: I am going through something similar, with various family members, both that I have actively chosen to go no contact and some who have simply never really been part of my life. And the most important I remind myself is that no one is EVER entitled to your time, energy or attention. You are not obligated to talk to ANYONE, ever. You do what you need to do to protect your peace. Even if that person is a stranger who’s never wronged you or a person very close to you who has done all the work in the world, changed, healed, whatever that may be. You don’t owe them, or anyone else anything. If you choose to interact with your mom, do so because you WANT to, and if it’s not right or you choose not to, please do not for a second feel guilty. It’s a wonderful thing to be forgiving and kind, but remember to be kind to yourself first.

[@leekestner1554]

Being neurodivergent I found I got along with people on Twitter better when I would preface knowing someone with: "I am a fixer. If you just need me to hold your hand while you blow off steam tell me. Otherwise I will automatically try to help."

[@jessicaholscher4097]

The watch one gives me bad vibes. I feel like she bought the watch as kind of blackmail to force him to tell his family. It's also kind of like like in the vein of like financial abuse. Plus, she basically admitted to verbally abusing him.

[@RowanArk]

Yeah that's what I was thinking too. That poor boyfriend

[@silverghostcat1924]

As far as ordering for someone else, if you're eating a cuisine you've never had before, you ask someone familiar with the food to order for you.

[@dasha_ucko]

Or I just google the foods because I'm a picky eater 😂

[@elaineb7065]

@@dasha_ucko I'm a vegetarian so I'd mention that from the get-go & ask the chefs. They know what they're doing & what they can adjust to cater for people

[@RenGin510]

Unfortunately, I work in a pretty conservative industry s I'm not a fan of many coworkers daily conversations. A good pair of headphones can go a long way 😅🤣

[@rage_of_aquarius]

lol this is what my dad talks about with his job (HVAC/plumbing/electrical) he and his boss are the only liberals in the office so they just exchange eyerolls

[@thecraziestcrayon]

I have this same problem. Everyone I work with is very religious so we have nothing in common. Unfortunately I'm not allowed to wear headphones.

[@RenGin510]

@@thecraziestcrayon oof that's rough 😔

[@Nino-xp5df]

Shaaba - disowned and homeless?! That really made me tear up. I'm so sorry this happened to you ❤ Religion is being used in so many wrong ways, it just makes me so sad.

[@high-bi-password]

To address Shaaba’s comment on the first post that OP was not being workplace appropriate, I would counter that the workplace is also not one long baby shower / a social event where everyone has to act excited about your life changes just because you’re happy about them. ESPECIALLY bc OP is infertile, I know I wouldn’t want to deal with being constantly triggered in the workplace. I think there’s a certain level of privilege that comes with being pregnant bc everyone is expected to act excited and happy for you, and I don’t think that expectation is fair to carry into the workplace to such a degree as the pregnant woman in the post is. All of that being said, part of being a mature adult in the workplace and in life generally is NOT bottling things up to the point that you explode like OP did, and OP definitely has an apology to make, but I think the pregnant colleague does too for being insensitive to OP. If you have an issue with someone like this, unless you make your feelings known, and take bigger steps if you aren’t being listened to, it isn’t fair of you to blow up at someone who is basically in a mild state of joyful delirium.

[@elaineb7065]

Last story: Noa: NTD Noa's mother: The ABSOLUTE Drama!!! Noa's gran: Quite the drama, & she needs to learn that just because somebody is blood-related, doesn't mean abuse is excused. Noa is safest away from her mother, so that's where she should stay, gran's ailing health or no.

[@coasttocoast2011]

The first one kind of reminds me of a situation we had at my workplace - I work in the local library, we have a volunteer (she’s in a wheelchair so has a carer with her). One of my colleagues from another town’s library was working with her on this day and started talking about her principal who committed suicide. This really upset volunteer because unfortunately her dad also committed suicide and her carer/mum went right off at this colleague. Yes talking about suicide may be inappropriate but volunteer and carer couldn’t expect someone who barely knows them to know her history That said it’s like another commenter said, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so if someone says they have a sensitive toward pregnancy, it’s pretty likely that’s why

[@s.a.4358]

The difference though is that in the story a) OP did ask the coworker to stop because the topic is triggering to her and b) it’s not a one time thing but the coworker seems to talk about her pregnancy a lot. OP shouldn’t need to go into the details, it’s enough to say that pregnancy is a triggering topic and that she’d appreciate the coworker to talk about it less.

[@coasttocoast2011]

@@s.a.4358 Yeah, the volunteer in my story is particularly sensitive to discussions of death - another colleague and I were talking about a upcoming funeral (we look after the local cemetery) and that unfortunately triggered her

[@s.a.4358]

@@coasttocoast2011 it sounds like that volunteer would benefit from seeing a grief counsellor or a therapist. She seems to deal with a lot of difficult emotions, which must be hard for her as death is unfortunately part of life and something that will come up (even just in movies, the news on TV, etc)

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

​@@coasttocoast2011 Sui is a very heavy topic, though - I would worry about a person who *doesn't* react at least a bit negatively to someone bringing sui up out of the blue at work.

[@coasttocoast2011]

@@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023 Let me put it this way, the reaction the carer had toward my colleague was so strong that she left to go home halfway through the day Everyone reacts differently but my offsider who was with me that day lost her little brother to suicide, he was only 16 and she said maybe carer rescued too harshly

[@erinjohnson7329]

"I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time" is an evergreen reminder for myself. I was raised with that attitude - my mum speaks unrepentantly of sleeping us on our fronts as babies; it was, at the time, the recommendation. She brought us up on margarine instead of butter; it was, at the time, thought healthier. We bought fully into washing our hands and singing happy birthday in 2020, and... I don't actually see a downside to that one, except for being slightly silly. All you can ever do in life is make the best decision you can from the options you see and with the information you have, and forgive yourself if it all goes terribly wrong anyway, because the "you" that made that choice truly couldn't have chosen better.

[@Primal_Chaos]

For the Red/Green flag, I'm seeing two completely distinct situations being talked about. For me, it is a Red Flag if someone else is "Ordering FOR you" by choosing what you will eat and not giving you the option to choose what you want. However, it is a Green Flag if they are simply "Ordering on your behalf" by relaying your chosen order to the server for whatever reason (social anxiety, running late, etc), or if they are unable to confirm directly with you on what you want, so they order their best guess on what you would normally get based on previous experience with you.

[@isabelleggett6531]

One of the most impactful statements my therapist has said to me is “Your trauma is never your fault, but it is your Responsibility to make sure you are not taking it out on others.” The coworker who is childless does not have the right to take her cancer trauma out on the Pregnant coworker. Those feelings are valid and she needs to work through them but the coworker is allowed to be pregnant and happy in the work space. The childless coworker if it was really triggering her could’ve talked to HR to move her work space and limit communication when possible, but blowing up on the Pregnant Coworker and potentially making her feel guilty for being able to get pregnant is not okay. If I was their HR rep we would be having many long conversations to find a solution. They don’t need to be buddy buddy but they need to be civil.

[@atonalitycollective]

I'm a fellow trauma survivor Noah, with CPTSD, various mental health and a dissociative disorder. I had to cut my family out (not saying you should do this with your grandma) and it was the best thing I have done for my own wellbeing. You are NOT the drama in any way. Good luck with everything and I hope getting the confirmation that you are not the drama helps you.

[@bunji_beans]

Wow the one who gifted the watch is such a red flag riddled AH!! I don't think she has any right to be upset that he said he'd do what she wanted and didn't. She was way out of line to make that demand in the first place. She doesn't get to be upset that her attempted manipulation didn't work. I hope he stays away from OP and never settles for being treated like that. I also hope he stays safe from his family

[@s.a.4358]

The watch was such a manipulative move for sure! She could have bought any other souvenir that wasn’t something the boyfriend needs to wear and will attract attention.

[@sonyamohe]

that story has me fuming, she is so toxic and needs to do some serious growing

[@epoodlesahoi]

For the ordering, I always ask my husband to order for me because I have memory problems so I often forget an important instruction. But when alone I suprise people that I can in fact order and have discussions with people but it is quite taxing on my autistic mind. This being said, without asking I hate people ordering for me, I am quite picky and particular.

[@shhimreading906]

with the last story it's definitely NTA. and the grandma crying a load in front of OP and being like "you won't make up before i die" just feels very emotionally manipulative to me. Like, sorry, but your grandchild's mental health and their choice to not associate with their ABUSER is more important than your wish to have a perfect family unit. There is no comparison. You can feel sad about the fact this reconciliation will likely never happen, but putting it on OP (by crying and bemoaning multiple times) is not acceptable, especially considering what OP has gone through. And I also think it's very easy for grandma to say "your mum's changed" when she presumably wasn't the one facing the abuse. Like... ultimately only OP can determine whether their mother has changed imo and they shouldn't have to do that unless it's something they actually want to do for themselves. I say this in the nicest possible way, F what grandma wants.

[@inkypunk]

I like your explanation of sometimes something is a neutral life experience or a decision, not right or wrong. Reddit can very caught up in the right/wrong narrative. Which is fair since it's AITA but sometimes no, sometimes a hard decision is made and it is what it is.

[@UvThe1st]

Noa - coming from a similar situation, your mum won't change. Sorry to say, but narcissistic people like that don't ever change. You keep being strong. You got this ❤

[@jennivamp5]

I agree with the ESH verdict for the first one, but it should have been handled so differently. After pregnant colleague was asked to not talk about it so much but continued, the issue should have been taken to a manager, preferably with the other colleagues who found it problematic. The manager should then have been the one to raise it with the pregnant colleague to perhaps only share with people who have directly asked about the pregnancy and keep all other conversations professional in this professional setting. If pregnant person then continued, steps could be taken for creating a hostile work environment.

[@solacessewingcorner]

my husband orders for me because I struggle to hear the waiter, but it's still what I want to eat.

[@insanetxartist]

Ordering food for me is never a good thing. I never know what I want until I look over the menu and my stomach decides. 😂 Story one: she TOLD her it was a sensitive topic and asked her to quit talking about it. She chose to keep going there. I think op should apologize for being that rude, but she's nta. And she can't avoid her since they share an office space. When someone around me incessantly talks about something, I just say "I have ADHD and your constant chatter is really distracting. Can you stop?"

[@insanetxartist]

Story 2: ESH. He shouldn't have lied to her. But her thinking the expensive watch was a reason to demand how he raised this to his parents is really manipulative. But at 17 to 19, a person should be telling their parents if they aren't as locked into their religious beliefs. They have the right to make that choice. Parents need to get over it.

[@Persewna4]

For the first story, I agree with the ESH badge. OP did not handle their outburst well, and I'm thinking maybe did not communicate clearly enough to their coworker before just what kind of boundary they were trying to establish. It's like - I have cats, and I talk about my cats a lot, and love sharing pictures of them. If a coworker asked me to tone down the cat talk, I think I would probably stop talking about them that day, but in subsequent days or weeks find myself slowly talking about them again, because it's something I enjoy sharing and because the request was very vague and leaves it up to me to figure out how much they consider to be toned down. So I do think OP could have been clearer without having to mention their experiences to let their coworker know that hearing about the experience of pregnancy is a difficult thing for her. On the other hand, I think coworker does need to be more aware of the sensitive nature the topic of pregnancy can be. For example, in the US we celebrate Mother's Day in May. At my job in retail, I am very careful to only wish a Happy Mother's Day to customers who are clearly mothers, because I don't want to cause harm to someone who may be going through something in regard to pregnancy/children/motherhood. In part that's because of how I feel when customers assume that about me and wish me a Happy Mother's Day - I'm not a mom, have no intention of becoming a mother, and it just assumes something about my choices or options when it comes to that. So I do think coworker could at least check with her coworkers about whether it's going to be a sensitive subject for them and be open to hearing them tell her they don't want to or can't hear about her pregnancy. No, you can't anticipate everyone's potential reaction, but I think it is important to try for the people you spend 40+ hours with a week. For the second, it sounds to me like OP was trying to manipulate her BF into coming out, with the watch. The way I understood it, the parents are aware bf and op hang out, as she said they've questioned him on it and he's likely played it off as "we're just friends". So by OP telling him "say I give you the watch" I don't think she meant "say your gf gave it to you" but instead "say OP's name gave it to you", in the hopes that when he did, his family would figure out it was a gift from a partner not "just a friend". That the watch would do the work for him.

[@Persewna4]

For the third one, what concerns ne, beyond the emotional manipulation at play from grandma, is that she's pushing for reconciliation without considering what might happen once she's gone. Maybe OP does let mom in, and she seems to be genuine in her change...but once Grandma is gone, what if mom switches back? Now OP has made themselves vulnerable to this harmful person, got hurt again, and does not have Grandma around as a support.

[@angiep2229]

I've never encountered a real life person ordering for people situation in a restaurant. There's always ordering a thing for the table to share, but that's not really what you're talking about. With consent I think it's okay. Like, "This is my favorite restaurant and I really want you to try this one thing. Is it okay if I order it for you?" Consent consent consent. Don't do that crap without asking first!

[@spenn.b8691]

For the second story, the berating was so unnecessary. It’s a watch. If he told them about your relationship too soon, they could force him to break up with you, or it could be dangerous. You need to be more understanding of the circumstances and not dictate how he tells his family. A push is one thing, but that was too much imo

[@Sarah-Harvey]

2 mins ago… a new PB 🙌😂 Love you guys and this podcast xx

[@nikkipallat9032]

I think it's also a green flag if someone orders for me at a restaurant IF it's a sharing-style cuisine from a country that the person (but not you) is from, so they're not doing it to be controlling but to share their cuisine/culture with you. I have noticed this is really common when I have visited some friends in countries in Asia and they clearly want to teach me about their country's food!

[@1234scann]

Unless I ask you to order for me (ei. I know this is your favourite place, what's good? or for me I have serious decision fatigue can you just pick) agreed giant red flag.

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

That is how I felt. I realized the key to all my exceptions was they involved consent. I have consented to my partner taking the lead.

[@SharylLacroix]

It's forgivable if there is a reason why ordering cannot wait (eg: I'm not there atm and they are closing the kitchen soon, or a group of 20 just arrived and we should get our order in before they start ordering) - especially if it's a restaurant where I have a favourite dish that I usually/always order.

[@nokiddingbrainless]

Re: the religious relationship story: I'm in my early 30s and am dating a late bloomer lesbian. She hasn't told anyone about me except a few close friends. This is hard for me at times because I have baggage about people being embarassed about me/being used as a humiliation tactic, but I still would NEVER push her to come out before she's ready. Even though she's a completely independent adult who doesn't have to worry about her immediate safety, I don't want her to expose herself to unnecessary judgement from her family on my behalf. She'll tell people when she's ready, and I trust her to take into account my feelings about being a secret. My discomfort with that is not more important than her autonomy around coming out. It doesn't matter how old you are, it is never okay to pressure someone to come out when they aren't ready to. Also, OP buying the watch is incredibly manipulative. In her reasoning it's clear that she specifically chose an expensive gift in order to guilt trip him into telling his family. BIG red flag.

[@jennthya6982]

Regarding the 1st one: yes, OP was unprofessional in how they handled things. However, I think pregnant colleague was also being unprofessional, bringing up her pregnancy/baby all the time. Work is for work conversations. Yes, I realize almost everyone chit-chats with co-workers, but if someone requests you not speak about *topic*, then you stop. Full stop.

[@ikatmax]

To the lovely peach Noah: I am an EnBy myself, my family purposely ignores that and deadnames me, so I dont say that to make it about me, I only say it to make you feel not alone. If they dont accept you for the beautiful person that you are and treat you with kindness, respect, and love, you don't owe anyone anything, and please, please know you are not alone. I, a stranger on the "internets," am proud of you for sharing your story because so many of us have similar experiences and don't have the voice to speak up. You are not, nor have you ever been, the drama. It is also a very unkind manipulative thing that your gran said about makint peace before she dies. That is not your burden to carry. She should be telling your mom to work on herself, not you. I send you all the hugs and love. From your friendly neighborhood EnBy strangers on the youtubes, Kati

[@MullingInk]

I think neurodivergent people are so much more aware of how negatively people view prolonged and ongoing single-topic focused discussions, so we can immediately see and understand the “crime” of only talking about one thing. It’s something that I’ve been careful about since my childhood. I think you’re much more likely to feel judgmental about someone not stopping when they’ve had requests to do so, because it’s been dramatized in our own lives so many, many times. We also really like things to be fair/just, so not saying “hey, coworker was being consistently inconsiderate as well, and that should be stated” feels very uncomfortable and wrong. I absolutely agree for the pregnancy situation, the badge should be ESH.

[@Soberdragonfly]

Always Love some Jamie & Shaaba fishing!🎉❤

[@moonblossom9433]

For the red flag green flag, I agree it's usually a red flag but another example of when it would be a green flag is if you've been having a hard day and you're just totally out of spoons and they can see that and are like "do you want me to pick something and order it for you so you don't have-to make a decision?" I would love that, particularly with a long term partner who knows your tastes.

[@bethgoltermann9231]

On the first story with the pregnant coworker: I think it is an ESH, but this is one of those cases where I wish I had more information besides OP's take. In my mind, saying that your back hurts and feet are swollen isn't the same as talking about her pregnancy. While back pain and swollen feet can be caused by pregnancy, lots of people experience those things who aren't pregnant as well. I wonder if the coworker didn't even equate her statement to talking about the pregnancy. BUT...if we take the OP at her word that the coworker has been talking about the pregnancy constantly, and it didn't stop or reduce even after OP mentioned her discomfort, I can understand why OP snapped. But regardless of context, OP's reaction was inappropriate and unprofessional. As for that final story: methinks the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, what with Grandma working overtime to manipulate OP into reconciling with Mom.

[@TheSnowconeMachine]

for the first story about the pregnant coworker: there's something well-known in the disabled community called conflicting access needs. for example, something that happened to me: one person may NEED to stim and cannot control it, and another person may have their sensory issues flare with the stimming. neither person is at fault, there are just conflicting needs at play. i have also snapped after having someone trigger my sensory issues and i could not avoid it, and it sounds like these two people share an office, so it would not be avoidable. OP tried to grin and bear it for literal months, placing their coworker's needs above their own, but it ended up being bad for both of them. they are simply incompatible, with OP's disability and the pregnant coworker's disability (pregnancy IS a disability, just often a temporary one) conflicting. NAH. Snapping was certainly not NICE, but also... bound to happen eventually, so long as they were forced to share the space. To me, this is just an unfortunate circumstance. She deserves to be happy about her baby, and the OP deserves to not have their trauma constantly brought up. Those two things can be true simultaneously.