My Experience with Sexuality and Gender as a Late-Diagnosed Autistic

My experience with gender and sexuality as a late-diagnosed autistic person has been confusing. Sensory issues and alexithymia can have a major effect on my enjoyment of things, but finding accommodations and exploring alternative avenues can lead to a better overall experience.
Swedish Body Worker (BBC News Reel) • The Swedish 'bodyworke...
Shibari Study - / shibaristudy
#asd #latediagnosedautistic #autistic

[@tracik1277]

I’ve never been able to get with gender for myself, I can’t even describe it.

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@tracik1277 I totally relate to that!

[@Killermike2178]

I don't have a dirty mind; I have a sexy imagination!

[@raindog15179]

thank you so much for posting this. ive been wanting to take a local shibari course at a local bdsm store for so long.

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@raindog15179 You’re welcome! An in-person course can be a great experience. Sometimes it’s hard to see the detail in the tying of the knots on video courses.

[@thijsjong]

I have a male body. And feel attracted to persons with a female body. I guess that makes me sa straight man. I never felt compelled to conform to the man gender. Though my style is mostlymasculine. Wich is convenient. It fits me and I never felt a need to rebel. As I somehow aligned without friction with societal expectations without going against my own tendencies. I guess I am lucky.

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@thijsjong I’ve experienced a lot of pressure over the years from other people to conform to more feminine gender roles. I mostly want to feel physically comfortable, & societal expectations of women (at least American) seem to be centered around discomfort from high heels & makeup to being socially outgoing & extroverted.

[@papermario3982]

You might relate to the label "demiboy" if you want to look into it!

[@Roswell33]

I relate to the gender thing and also look feminine most of the time. I think though, I really struggle to decide how I feel about anything because to me everything is so complex, this makes decision making, dating etc quite difficult!

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@Roswell33 As someone with alexithymia, I can relate to struggling with how to feel about things! It can definitely make things difficult, especially if it’s a time-sensitive decision like dating can be.

[@iam-pf4ob]

yes how strange, just this morning i was thinking how i just feel like my brain, everything else is not really all that significant to me as far as identity is concerned

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@iam-pf4ob Yes! “Me” is the brain/pilot and the body is there to protect the brain & give it mobility and the ability to bring my ideas to fruition.

[@iam-pf4ob]

@@Sensory0verlord 💯

[@kirstinline]

ive always been in awe of people who know whwt they like, because im never sure. you're doing great!

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@kirstinline Thank you! I’ve spent most of my life unsure as well.

[@kirstinline]

@@Sensory0verlord i remember having a tiny existential crisis when someone asked me if i was warm enough in a car once! i realised i had no idea! 😂

[@Sensory0verlord]

😆Totally relatable! What always gets me is “where do you want to eat” when the real answer is “at my house” but I’m out with someone & not at home

[@kirstinline]

@@Sensory0verlord haaa!

[@MIOLAZARUS]

Thank you so much for talking about these challenging topics that can help aid in everyone having good boundaries and self care when interacting with other people in such a intimate way ❤ The anxiety/excitement is so true.. I have hurt myself so much not knowing myself. I do like soft touch :) just by someone I love. I like crushing too😂 macrame body art sounds so lovely! I can look at the most ripped body and not feel a single sexual feeling. Same with perfect faces. If I dont know their soul then Im just not responding to it. Thank you for being such a good teacher! Patriotic music😂 hahaha Im dying !! What do you use for deodorant? Are you so clean eating that you dont need it.. 🙂?

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@MIOLAZARUS You’re welcome! So many hard lessons learned the hard way. If sharing can help, I’m happy to share! Since I can’t dictate which scented products other people use (& men’s deodorant can be 😷) that can be an issue. As for deodorant- I can tolerate unscented or coconut scented (random as that is). I do eat pretty clean, but in the US south, sweating is inevitable in the summer.

[@Feenix102]

Hey. The whole gender thing is weird in some ways and very simple in others, it seems to me. I'm a man, I find women attractive, both sexually and otherwise. That's the simple side of it. I do have some "female" characteristics (I like to crochet for example), and I..."feel" and even "act" more feminine than masculine sometimes, which has landed me in the "friend" zone with women more times than I can count, which is fine if a little frustrating if its someone I feel particularly attracted to. As far as sex being overrated? Yes it is - no other way to put it. For me attraction lies in two main things - a woman's eyes and her voice. Interestingly, voices are one of the things that I have difficulty with sometimes, so I guess that may be something to do with it too (I always take notice or remember if someone of either sex has a particularly nice or unusual voice)! As for the sexual act, I haven't really had much experience - I lost my virginity in my mid thirties and have only had one partner. Never had a romantic relationship aside from that and that was hardly romantic, lol. The rope thing you mention sounds interesting, I like the idea of art being incorporated into sex and its a good way to explore boundaries and tastes I think. As far as neurotypicals defining societal constructs? I guess I'm unusual because I don't recognise a difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse, really - people are just people at the end of the day. There seems to be a lot of "us vs them" in neurodiverse culture, and I think it can be extremely counterproductive - I prefer to focus on things people have in common, I suppose, and labels can make things needlessly adversarial. That doesn't mean that I don't make allowances for people, quite the reverse, but I think we are more alike than not a lot of the time - a lot of the time the language we use is just different. At the end of the day, the majority often define social constructs and they just happen to be labelled as being neurotypical (I don't know that there is any such thing, outside of statistical definitions). Either way, fascinating video - I hope this finds you well. :)

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@Feenix102 I wish I’d said “the status quo” instead. I totally agree with focusing on what people have in common. It does make sense and seems to be the more diplomatic approach. I oscillate between feeling aggravation at the “us vs. them” mentality and frustration with societal pressures and a lack of understanding and accommodations.

[@Feenix102]

@@Sensory0verlord Its certainly frustrating, yes. One day, hopefully, it will be less so but its going to take patience and working together - we humans aren't always known for that. I'm sure the time will come eventually. :)

[@thecookiejoe]

You are such a legend. A lot of this is so similar to my journey and experience. Around 2012 I realized that I am just not "straight". And I couldn't really explained why or how, just that something felt off. I came across the term genderqueer and I realized that whatever was going on with me this is the closest label to describe it. Ten years later I look into autism and someone talks about trans being very prevalent in autism and it's just one more checkbox that I might be on the spectrum. So I am AMAB, I present male and I have known for a long time that this is masking. I am masking because I can't deal with a transition and I don't even know what to transition. Which is probably because, like you said, I am a brain and it has this body attached to it. I don't particularly want my male body, I also don't want a completely female body. It's not full on body dysphoria, more like body-irritation (read that description on embrace autism website). Regardless it gives me a lot of comfort to be under the LGBTQIA+ and trans umbrella. If anyone reads this or saw your video and they feel like something like this might be going on, I can only advise them to listen to trans people describing their experience and journey. because a lot of the things I think and feel can only be described by trans people. I recently listened to a talk between two transmen and while they where born with a very different body from mine, their experiences where a lot like mine. I know it can be very scary to get into this world of trans and gender constructs and social constructs - especially because there is a lot of political activism on these topics and it's hard to navigate this minefield and find unbiased advice - but it's also very comforting to find questions that are the right questions. And maybe some answers as well. And as for me - I still dress male neutral, I identify as genderqueer, I also refer to myself as non binary and trans, and I come out to very very few people. I sometimes do gender affirming things at home, but not in public. And it helps psychologically. But the chances are very slim I will find a safe space to come out more and do any kind of visible transition. Not when I am so distressed by normal life all the time. But at least I understand myself and I would come out to a partner. Because if anything I would need my partner to see me as I see myself. Because when I go out in public, I have an automated high masking process starting and I can't help it. And below that performance I am someone else and if I don't tell people who that is, then it is super unlikely they will ever find out on their own. But for me, it has been very helpful to be in a trans discord community and just read what other people experience. Just like with autism the trans spectrum is very broad. In 2012 non binary didn't really exist as a label, genderqueer was like 10 people on youtube and when I went to a self help group of trans people they didn't know what I was describing to them. Back then trans was still working mostly in the binary system and a transition was from one binary to the other. Same for sexuality back then. You could only like one or the other gender. The world is bigger now and I am glad there are a lot more voices and labels describing the experience I always had. And I am glad there are communities that share these thoughts and experiences and embrace them. Your video is just so amazing on so many levels. conservative social constructs don't allow for any of these experiences, but they are real and they are valid. Just like with autism and discovering how that works for you as an individual it's also good to discover gender and sexuality. Especially with the sensory issues you describe. Society in general has a lot of taboos and harmful stereotypes that should at least hold up to questioning them.

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@thecookiejoe Thank you so much for sharing this! When I’m at home (I live alone), it’s truly as if I’m just a brain with no gender. I’m fine with whatever biology I have because my body is just a means of protecting and transporting my brain and bringing my ideas to fruition. But I do mask when I leave the house. A lot of my discomfort comes from the physically uncomfortable feminine clothing and beauty standards (in which I’ve been pressured to participate my whole life) while men’s or gender neutral clothing is usually much more sensory friendly. Then there’s the feminine expectations of being outgoing/extroverted and social, maternal, etc. that are almost completely opposite from me and uncomfortable on a completely different level. In addition, it seems like recently there’s an attitude that if one is feminine presenting and enjoys “masculine” hobbies and/or friendships, she may be treated as some kind of traitor to femininity. Especially if she/they are “not like other girls”. I’m glad there are people out there who understand where I’m coming from. Thanks again! This helps so much!

[@thecookiejoe]

​@@Sensory0verlord For clothing I mainly wear basic things out of cotton for men. And compared to womens clothing there is a huge difference. I can cover a lot more skin, I can use denser and heavier fabrics, clothes don't have dangling objects or scratchy sown on things. Even if I wanted to wear female coded clothes the sensory difference alone would be a lot to manage. But clothes and cosmetics are probably the two things most gender coded in out society. Bodies of course are even more gender coded - but to achieve anything there you need hormone replacement or surgery. So that's not that low key. Low key would be a binder, but I don't know about the sensory feeling there. So while for you it's immediately visible that you wear something a boy would wear, for me it's exactly the same. If I get a womens sweater that looks pretty basic but has the slightest hint on a female cut, people will know. As a society that is something we did. So what I mostly do is colors. I love purple hoodies. What female bodies can do is the boyfriend look, baggy jeans, maybe flannel shirts, and tank tops. but - yeah. People take note really fast and for me that is a problem. I don't want to be noticed, I don't want to explain myself. The same gender code you have on clothes and cosmetics is on hobbies and behaviour. For example when there was a gathering like a birthday party I always wanted to help do the dishes in the kitchen. Which is traditionally done by the women, while the men remain seated at the table. One reason was that I didn't want to be part of this male space. I didn't like the topics, just the whole vibe isn't something I need. Especially because I know someone else is doing work and bonding in a way that is more my style over in the kitchen. But the women didn't want me in the kitchen mostly. And when they did, I often had the feeling that I was intruding into their space and disturbing it. The autistic othering is one thing, but being othered because of gender is a little different - at least I would describe it like that. This situation still describes my gender the best. I don't want to be in the space that I am born into, but I don't want to intrude in a space that I wasn't born into and you can only sit for yourself for so long before people start to notice. And then you have to explain yourself again. The traitor feeling I get a lot as well. People are so set on genders being this or that way. On the one hand you get the "well but maybe you are just a very sensitive boy and that is okay too" on the other hand they think it's weird when you do knitting and the boys give you the side eye when you don't like soccer. It's like you take the value or legitimacy out of their gender because you don't perform it. I am just glad that these problems fell on us because as autistic people we definitely have the social skills and capacity to solve this. cough. And with sex it's just the icing on that cake. If your cake is already odd, your icing will be odd as well. A lot of cis-gendered sex is asserting power, taking control - which is fine (mostly). But if that's not your style because it's both not kinky and too kinky at the same time and also you need different sensory triggers then that's where people get lost. The taboo and shame around this topic, the need to prove their gender and perform it for an invisible audience or the partner - it's just hard to leave "the norm". On that topic, I can recommend the Contrapoints video on Twilight and the interview Adam Conover did with her about that video and the reasons behind it. It low key talks about cis-gendered sex and mostly focuses on the power dynamics. Which is just part of it, but still, might be an interesting deep dive.

[@solvamstudio]

With all of my freedom in life for the last few years to “be who I am”, it’s hard for me to say I’m anything but cisgender straight. It’s just what I am by definition of those things. Now I do prefer doing my nails every week in fun new colors and I wear my hair long, so i kind of present as feminine. But I love working out, working in the trades, and doing handiwork. I really hate the “masculine vs feminine” boxes that many people place others in, but I don’t really care what it is for me, personally… If that makes sense? Idk

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@solvamstudio It makes total sense to me. I too dislike the masculine versus feminine rhetoric. I fully support personal expression, like hair or nails being done according to the individual’s preference and comfort, not to make others happy or comfortable. Btw long hair with painted nails reminds me of one of my favorite anime characters, Tengen Uzui from Demon Slayer.🙂

[@EsAnovale]

According to my own personal pov. Creo en la libertad de pensamiento y acción de la gente, siempre y cuando no trastoque o afecte significativamente mi propio espacio y realidad directa o indirectamente. Cada quien es libre de pensar en lo que quiera. Solo que si es algo que involucra intromisión en el espacio personal de las personas y te ves forzado a tomar alguna acción producto de eso, no terminas de sintiéndote a gusto.

[@Sensory0verlord]

Estoy de acuerdo en que las personas siempre deben respetar los límites y el espacio personal de los demás. Además, si alguien simplemente vive su vida y no hace daño, nadie tiene derecho a exigir que cambie y se conforme sólo porque no comparte una opinión. Siempre habrá gente con opiniones diferentes. A veces tengo que recordarme eso.

[@azcactusflower1]

Gender is in nature, even planets. Esoterically, there's a deep teaching

[@Turtle1967A]

I agree we are brains and I think that is an awesome way to look at who we are and what we are and how we got here in the first place. With trillions of cells and millions of networks involved in every brain it is no wonder that humans display such variation in our behaviors. And also to me, with so many cells and so many networks involved, it is surprising how similar our behaviors may be at times. I think that may also be one of the first steps in coming to grips with who we are and what we are and how we got here, no superstition required. As far as sex goes, my brain undergoes changes that I think are not healthy to long term relationships when I am in a relationship, so I am intentionally single. But in the wild, say, such brains may have contributed to variation by having multiple sexual partners over a lifetime. So it doesn't mean I am a failure. That sort of thing :)

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@Turtle1967A I agree that it seems more natural and healthy to have a few different partners over a lifetime. Biologically, it makes sense. I personally don’t have the emotional bandwidth, energy, or desire for polyamory as someone suggested to me in the past - just one at a time for me. However, spread out over time with gaps between works. I can completely understand the intentionally single point of view as well as a desire for a partner. A healthy balance between time together & solitude is crucial for me. It truly is surprising at how similar we all are when not only are our nervous systems so different, but also our environments and experiences are all unique. Then again we share the same basic needs as other animals on the planet and fulfilling those basic needs is at the root of our behavior.

[@MIOLAZARUS]

I can relate. I used to call myself non-binary. The quantum world is non-binary so my brain is like that :) now Im just Mio ☺️ I dont like identity politics and victim mentality. Yes always an enforcer😂 I have a womans body in this life and that have taken me a long time to come to terms with. Brain implies that you also think consciousness is primary 😁 I can relate to spaghetti monster😂 I think people who are well balanced have good contact with both masculine and feminine sides. It makes it easier to understand other people❤ You are a beautiful brain! I like men with Long hair btw. You are fucking Kurt Cobain. I get it. Or Zeppelin vibes! Are you 45?!!! Wtf. You are one of my favorite rebels! Boundaries so important! Se# without love is like torture.

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@MIOLAZARUS Ugh! The identity politics is exhausting for sure. Having a female body can be so inconvenient!😖 Still, I don’t think I’d be any happier as a male as they have their own inconveniences. Relating to both sides can definitely foster understanding. And yes, I’m 45 though I don’t feel or act like it. That was even mentioned in my autism assessment. Maybe I’m fae or elven. Then I’d be the adolescent I feel like. 😆 You’re a beautiful brain & consciousness too! ❤️

[@MIOLAZARUS]

@@Sensory0verlord I think you are as smart as a brain or soul much older but with childlike wonder. Thats the great thing about being autistic 😁⭐️ And you do look so young. Nah same. There are stereotypes for each gender and men have to never show emotions. Must be very challenging to be a man.

[@tracirex]

i tried make up, hair do-ing, nail painting, high heels, dresses and jewelry. i didnt like it. i havent extensively researched, but i relate to non-binary / gender queer. ive had one life partner who is male. i could never be close to anyone who doesnt smell good. lucky for my husband - he smells good. good find on connecting with your love interest with fiber art.

[@Sensory0verlord]

When I wear makeup, high heels, and a dress all at the same time, I feel like a dressed up animal (which I essentially am). Like in one of those videos where a dog is wearing dog booties for the first time, etc. Soooo awkward & uncomfortable.🥴 I have sensory issues with strongly scented products, like men’s deodorant or body wash. It’s nice from far away though.

[@tracirex]

@@Sensory0verlord yes, a pet in a costume. exactly. I've noticed with all my senses, far away/in the distance/muted/mild is almost always best.

[@Destiny975_Hollow-Finkelhuben]

i also identify as a brain💪🧠✌