My Husband Complains All the Time (It’s Exhausting)

My Husband Complains All the Time (It’s Exhausting)
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[@rebeccaoprea9917]

People who aren’t happy with themselves aren’t happy with anything or anyone else.

[@RoseNZieg]

preach!!

[@susanwagner98]

And when you mix that with a personality disorder, kaboom!

[@bina_5]

💯

[@TEM14411]

Truth.

[@Nan-Elle]

He has created this dynamic himself! She hasn't acted like he's an idiot.

[@user-jb7zu4yy7g]

It's very hard to be around people who are unhappy, it permeates the energy of the entire house

[@brandygee9954]

Indeed.

[@mw6346]

I relate to this so much. I spent years walking on eggshells with my ex. I started drinking on my commute home because I knew when I got home 9 times out of 10 he was going to be in a bad mood. I made so many excuses for him. He even ruined Christmas the last two years we were together. I had to put on a brave face like everything was fine for so long. We've been split up for 7 months and it was the best decision I've ever made. We cannot change them, only they can do that. I hope he can find the strength to change.

[@jimv77]

You handled this FOR YEARS??? Reflecting back now you are probably wondering why also......At least now you can move on. CHEERS!

[@ivywildwss]

It's exhausting. My partner was able to grow and change and not be so critical and complaining. It's an amazing change and I'm grateful I don't have to live the rest of my life listening to that.

[@Price8903]

Men often weaponized their moods to their families, and they’ll tell traumatized events that happened in their life to garnish empathy from their spouse/ girlfriend while actively traumatized their mate their self.

[@PepeCoinMania]

You are just a bad wife

[@PepeCoinMania]

@@Price8903yeah don’t show emotions show nothing this is the way 😂

[@agat86]

My 34 yo ex-husband was exactly like that - a cross between a spoiled brat, an ungreatful adult and a grumpy oldman. Tried to make him happy and my life revolved around him. I kept us together but suprise suprise when I got exhausted eveything fell into pieces in weeks. He was too aware of his shortcomings which overwhelmed him in social and family situations. It didn't help I was more educated and earned more money than him. He turned agressive after marriage, gaslighting became his new hobby and he started drinking too much, later he also cheated on me... I just had leave. Memories of his good behaviour weren't enough to keep me in love

[@exnecross3141]

I am educated and well socialized, and listening to the way you talk about your husband puts me off too. Poor guy was probably pushed around until he couldn't take it anymore.

[@Jendromeda]

@@exnecross3141 when a spouse is a chore and a burden, it's very difficult to live a normal life. I believe this woman totally.

[@CyeOutsider]

​@@exnecross3141Excusing an abuser and blaming his victim is reprehensible. Take a good look at yourself.

[@exnecross3141]

@@CyeOutsiderThere's not enough info to draw any conclusions like that. All we know is one side from an apparently spiteful spouse. Calm your emotions and use rational thinking.

[@agat86]

@@exnecross3141 no idea how you concluded he was the one pushed around. Read between the lines, I was tiptoeing around his moods. I was done being taken for granted like many many women are. Each year he tries to contact me and meet up 😆 so no, I wasn't the problem.

[@judithdebert4813]

This was my husband. I finally had to walk away. Everytime we went somewhere, he would start yelling and screaming about nothing. Walked away after 40 years. Best thing I 😊ever did

[@anonymouszero9422]

Hopefully you will live alone. At your age what man trying to hit your old ass?

If walking out of a 40 year relationship was the best thing you ever did, looks to me you've wasted your life

[@73cidalia]

​@ Pointless comment. And unkind. Fica feio.

[@sitcomchristian6886]

Yelling and screaming about nothing? Either it wasn't about nothing, or he has a severe untreated mental illness. There's a lot missing from this picture.

[@Jenny-fl5cn]

Maybe he has dementia

[@sallyspits]

I was that man. I got so depressed and lazy while my wife was trying to make me better and losing her mind that she had no effect on me. Men, don't make the same mistake that I did. Do something. Don't ever disappoint that woman who is in love with you and is trying to help you. Be the man she hopes you can be. Just fucking do it. You've got arms and legs, right? Just do it. Work out. Eat right. Stop drinking. Be the rod everyone wants to be around. I lost my wife because of my failures. Don't make the same mistake I did. I will never stop regretting my mistake. Trust me, even if you think you've got a rider for life, she will leave you. The worst part is when you wake up and realise it was the right decision for her to make.

[@rosedevereux2391]

Thank you for this message.

[@lmsteller9736]

Extremely honest comment. Sorry you regret but looks like you’ve done the hard work searching your soul. May you find your own peace and happiness within. God Bless You ❤

[@wurmluv4256]

your vulnerability and transparency is very admirable, its important that people learn something from your experience

[@mamadoom9724]

Self reflection can be a hard trait to acquire and you seem to be really good at it. I hope that you’ll be able to find love and happiness with someone else ❤

[@aliciacarstensen7904]

I've always been an optimist and very social. My ex is anti social negative and a defeatist. 25 yrs later I couldn't endure him anymore. I married a man that's polar opposite of me. Doesn't work. I'm free and happy. He's absolutely miserable. I want him to be ok for our grown kids but at 57 he ain't changing now

[@champagne4bfast]

My first marriage, I learned pretty quickly that my husband would only be happy after work if I pretended to be unhappy. It was so odd that I thought that was a normal way to manage the relationship. He’d pick me up and say “how was your day?” And I’d say “fine” with a grouchy face and he’d be pleased as punch. Meanwhile I had had an amazing day because I generally process life as amazing. If I got in the car bouncy and happy he’d be abrupt and grouchy. Luckily we had an acute incident where I was able to get away without too much effort or thought on my part. I’m glad I wasn’t advised to keep trying. 20 years later and I’m still an optimistic, happy person without having to beat my head against other people’s brick walls.

[@cuivre2004]

I've actually had bosses that were like that. They undermined every work accomplishment and achievement I had- and often times even tried to claim it as his own. I can only imagine what his family goes through on a regular basis. He actually said "I wish I married someone else- my wife doesn't earn enough money as a part time elementary art teacher". Poor woman who is his wife!

[@aladdout9454]

oofff i have seen miserable guys like this. They think being happy or cheerful in a way is being "childish and immature". They like breaking down women like that thinking it's actually for the better of the woman to make her wiser or whatever. It's genuinely ew. Glad you are out.

[@cuivre2004]

@@aladdout9454 I consider bland and humorless people less intelligent than those who have a sharp sense of wit. They are also the same people who take sarcasm and jokes literally. Those types of people are very frustrating to have to work around. (Hence my profile pic).

[@aladdout9454]

@@cuivre2004 I consider KFC and McDonald's as food terrorism... except McDonald's fries they're great.

[@cdorothy444]

Misery likes company.

[@juliaorpheus]

I really love Dr. John Delaney's advice on every other call I've heard. On this call I think he overidentified with the husband and gave the wife advice based on incomplete and self-projected information. I was married to a guy like this for 15 years, always trying to rescue him from day one and it made me miserable. I tried everything to "save" him but he stubbornly clung to his poor me persona. It's possible this woman's husband is a diamond in the rough like Dr. Delaney says, but he's treating her terribly and he's a bad influence on the kids. If he doesn't want to own that and go into therapy then he'll just continue to emotionally mistreat and neglect his family by choosing his personal drama as an identity over being a decent husband and father.

[@Stander33]

I felt her get crushed with the weight of being told she is causing her H to relive his trauma subconsciously. Her quivering voice showed that she is a thoughtful and loving person who really wants to do the right thing. My heart sank for her in that moment. It’s not her fault he was programmed to think like that in response to his wife. It is important for her to understand where he’s coming from, but if he’s unwilling to own it and take action toward healing there won’t be much progress.

[@Horsegirl2024]

I agree with him and you, my fiance is this same way because of how he was treated and this is what he’s told me also. It reminds him of how he felt in childhood it makes him feel like a disappointment which further hurts the situation. Both parties in this need to come to understanding and put in the work to comprehend how to help and be there for eachother. ❤

[@ma2870]

I agree💯

[@kathydurow6814]

I think he could have emphasised a bit more that she should get out there & do things for herself. Leave him behind if he doesn't want to see her folks. Do the gym, therapy, girls lunches/nights out with friends. By doing so she's building her own strength & support network. He also warned that her husband will get worse before he gets better (if he does. I kind of agree people rarely change dramatically). Maybe things improve and eventually turn around. If they don't, she's stronger mentally, socially, emotionally & physically, so she's better equipped to leave should she make that decision.

[@tanisabenulic2861]

@@Horsegirl2024 He is responsible for his own life. If he can't find his way out of his terrible mood, the best thing she can do is leave him

[@drunkenwench]

I did what John suggested and started to live my life without my husband nearly 8 years ago. Fast forward and he still refuses to recover for himself and it’s getting lonely for me. In the end I chose to walk away and find peace in my life without having to walk on eggshells each day.

[@Anthonyistheone]

I think his solution wasn't great. What worked for him may not work for somebody else.

[@kristens1113]

Yeah I am living this right now. My husband complains about everything. He is NEVER happy. I had a bad childhood too and I don’t act that way. I’m too exhausted from caring for the 6 kids to baby a grown man.

[@johnspence5689]

That’s not what he suggested tho

[@Barbie25150]

Because he lives in la la land. He has one speech and one method for everything, and people are different so it’s not going to work on everyone. In a utopian world maybe his methods would work, but people are imperfect. These wives need to have a dose of meanness to them and stop being walked all over by men who don’t love them. That’s what he needs to tell them. But he thinks every situation is like his own.

[@cuivre2004]

@@Anthonyistheone But at least his wife will be happy without him being an anchor around her neck when she is around her family.

[@Quiron825]

The other day, I told my coworker that i appreciated him for helping me out when my other coworkers wouldn't. He told me to never thank him for helping ; because it was his "f@%$ing" job. I looked at him and told him that I still appreciate him anyway. He turned to me and said ,Thanks man

[@IFBBProYeo]

That makes me wonder.. If the caller's husband was like, don't thank me for doing my job while also understanding he wasn't doing anything and above and beyond the bare minimum? He didn't think he deserved a compliment for just barely pulling his weight and he knew it? I'm glad your coworker actually had that human moment with you! Because at first he pushed you away ❤

[@whitneyr.846]

It's so much harder when they take their feeling of failure into micromanaging the household. Not in doing the work, but in supervising everyone in making sure their work is done. Cause then hubby turns into a manager, and no one wants to live with their boss

[@Stander33]

THIS!!!! Always pointing out all the flaws around the house or the handling of the kids but never willing to do anything about any of it.

[@Kelli-ru7yy]

Oh my gosh, my ex used to sit on the couch on his phone any time we were going anywhere and complain if we were late 🙄 I think at one point after years I said something like "Well if you want to be on time then help out." He'd help out once in a while. It's really weird because he'd complain that I wasn't sexually attractive enough. That I didn't do enough around the house. That I was a bad at communicating. The list goes on. Al the while he would say things like "But Wendy (his friend's wife) does all these things." But I'm not Wendy. I'll never be Wendy. So when I left, I thought for sure he'd be over me quickly. But my kids says he talks about me all the time. And usually what he says isn't true. :/ Anyways, when you said "No one wants to live with their boss." It struck a cord. Because I feel peace at home now. My boss can be mean but at least I can leave him at work and it's not a lifetime commitment lol My boyfriend is super sweet. I can't handle sometimes. When we went to go to the zoo with the kids, I was rushing around looking for stuff to do. He already did it all. I thank him every day. Such a good man.

[@kalimbaayinde25]

YES!!!! I feel like lm a child. I can’t cook without him micromanaging every little thing.

[@haltersweb]

My husband controlled and micromanaged everything for 20 years, and was always critical about how I looked and how much weight I’d put on. This was right from the very beginning of our marriage. I did eventually gain a lot of weight after menopause, but I look back at the pictures of me for the first 15 years of our marriage and I was quite thin and pretty (even though I felt completely ugly at the time). He often told me how miserable I made him, and how I didn’t wash the dishes correctly, chewing correctly, shop correctly, even run correctly (I ran half-marathons for years). To be fair there were two things he always praised me for: being a good SAHM and later having a rewarding career. He eventually left me for another woman, and at that time I found out that he’d been unfaithful most of our marriage. He blamed his unfaithfulness on me, of course. He’s been gone 7-1/2 years. One year ago he apologized to me, and said he now realizes it wasn’t my fault he was miserable in our marriage. He said he realizes he’s just a miserable person, period. I suggested he see a counselor to heal from his childhood wounds, and he agreed that until he does that he will continue to be miserable. But he then said he’d actually rather stay miserable rather than have to open up old wounds. He said he’s only got a couple of decades left to live anyway so why rock the boat when he can manage to live the (albeit unfulfilling) life he has left the same way he always has.

[@whitneyr.846]

@@haltersweb that is horrible, I am so sorry

[@anonomus3564]

I did this with my spouse. He was relieved when the kids and I went and lived our lives. The 1st 2 years I'd just leave him alone. When we'd talk I'd say it feels like he died, but he's still here. I was hurt because I never wanted to be a single mom, but that's what i am. Every time he'd join things it brought the whole family down. The next 6 years turned into a platonic marriage and the kids and I live our life. But in return... dad does no wrong, and everyone constantly boosts his ego, and mom's the bad guy, they point out my mistakes, and can't see what I do. They simply don't know that they only have a life because I make it for them, and I tell myself I must be doing an ok job to make them feel safe enough to complain, and not see me.

[@RepentImmediately]

Stop doing all the non-essential stuff you do for a couple weeks and see what happens.

[@sarahalderman3126]

This does not end well. If I were you I would seriously try and listen to John’s advice here and do whatever it is that helps you feel alive. You cannot live your life for anyone else, even our children. Take care of yourself FIRST, or you will actually fail your children by teaching them to do the same.❤

[@megsley]

I agree - stop doing chores for them and watch how quickly them come crying to mom cause daddy ain't gonna do sh*t for em!

[@alladreamwedreamed]

What do you get out of this dynamic? What lessons are your kids getting out of it?

[@Kelli-ru7yy]

Well, if it counts we see you. I wish your kids could see. Dang, that's so sad :(

[@joannahepworth2230]

I don’t care who it is. if your partner not putting in the work to have a successful marriage it’s not gonna work, they shouldn’t be married, period.

[@sweetbriarhuslin7371]

problem is you get in 1 argument with your girl then she goes to comment sections and reads comments like yours. yall don’t work stuff out you just leave. yall will have your own problems like everyone does, oh but it’s too much handling your partners problems too. I get it they don’t wanna change but most of the time it’s a split second decision influenced by her friends

[@xprrj]

That's such a simplistic conclusion. Everyone is complex and relationships are not simple either. I hope they didn't see your comment because it's not true or something that everyone has to do, otherwise anytime there's a miscommunication with their partners they will get frustrated and split.

[@mildajasaite871]

​@@sweetbriarhuslin7371it's not one argument. NEVER HAPPY means it's been lasting long. And in a way this comment is actually correct - you can work it out only if both partners are working on it.

[@sweetbriarhuslin7371]

@@mildajasaite871 you are right.

[@kekejefferson9219]

You can't help anyone that doesn't want to be around you.

[@TEM14411]

People like this do not want to be around themselves. That is the deeper issue. They insist on projecting outward and blaming others for their inability to self regulate emotions. And process whatever past events that fed the root of bitterness.

[@CaramelfromKansas]

My ex husband was like that. I remember crying once and saying happiness is not over the next hill. How come we can't learn how to be happy right in the moment. It was like it was always postponed. It was was constant. He wouldn't get help. He would go to counseling, and never tell them the problems he was experiencing. I'd try my best to love him, but i realized i couldn't out love this. I tried to be happy whenever i saw him because he said his mood was directly dependent on mine. He was constantly nagging, negative, and unhappy. He never made any steps to try and get to the root. I left and guess what.... He's still miserable!

[@TheNordicNurse]

THIS. 😭

[@wurmluv4256]

Im glad you left! some people dont change

[@lala5061]

Good keep the door closed!

[@Mimi-cq4bg]

No. Not at all. We are NOT responsible for anyone’s emotions but our own. Nothing this woman does or does not do will make him happy. I lived 24 years trying to make mine happy. He chose misery. I chose to be happy- and I kicked his ass out. Best decision of my life.

[@alchemicalnurturer]

Reminds me of my dad. My mom left him after 13 years of marriage because he was insufferable. Unfortunately he still is.

[@c.j.mclaughlin5363]

This is one time I disagree with John's approach. I was married to a chronic complainer for 27 years. Counseling did not help, talking to him did not help, trying to understand him and be supportive did not help. For him complaining was like breathing. The constant negativity was suffocating. My world kept getting smaller and smaller because I never knew what his actions and words were going to be other than to negatively impact me. Everyday he backed up a truckload of toxic garbage and spewed it all over me. We tried counseling. Meditation, antidepressants and numerous visits to doctors. I turned myself inside out trying to soothe him and went to great lengths in an attempt to make the world okay for him. He also had anger issues and acted like an out of control toddler. He is now in a long-term care facility for Alzheimer's. I can't help but think the constant anger and turmoil of his brain contributed to his decline mentally and physically. I should have left years ago but hope and a feeling of responsibility for him kept me there. I am currently overseeing his care but do not have to see him or interact with him. He has no one else to be an advocate for his care. Nursing homes are horrible place, particularly if you do not have anyone to advocate for you. It is such a relief to be away from him and find some joy and peace in life I hope John reconsiders some of his advice. Some people cannot be helped and don't want to be helped.

[@Lotsoflittles1230]

How horrible that you’re happy to emotionally abandon your husband in his old age. Marriage is for better or worse. Nobody forced you to marry your husband. You CHOSE this man. Act like a faithful wife and fix your own attitude and perhaps his would have improved.

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

@@Lotsoflittles1230Ugh. You should not be giving advice. You are toxic.

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

I think the key is what you said about him not wanting to be helped. Living with someone like that robs you of your enjoyment of life, little by little. And it robs you of your love for him, little by little until there’s nothing left. I wish you happiness and peace.

[@fiae2897]

​​@@Lotsoflittles1230 How dare you judge her when she explained how the behaviour of her husband affected her. Certain health afflictions should be treated by professionals.

[@Snoops510]

@@Lotsoflittles1230 - She never said that she's happy to "abandon" him. She said she feels "relief". He made her miserable for decades, and she still stood by him. And continues to care for him. It's no wonder that the end of that mental abuse is a relief.

[@theimprobableone8635]

Girl needs to read “How to Survive when they’re depressed,” currently reading it and it’s life changing.

[@suburbanfarms]

I'll look into this, thanks

[@corebree]

Where is this book? Please add a link.

[@todd2324]

Its so sad to see men acting like this, especially married guys with families. Ultimately, he needs other men in his life to call him higher and hold him accountable. We have a migrant crisis going on, multiple wars, and people who could only dream of living in a country that has access to clean water, is relatively safe, good healthcare, great food, etc. What has helped me is always counting my blessings and never taking anything for granted.

[@PepeCoinMania]

We aren’t allowed to feel or display anything we are supposed to be like a rock 😂

[@todd2324]

@PepeCoinMania Feel what you want. The difference is having the right perspective and not being led by your feelings.

[@devadii24]

This guy sounds like a spoiled brat

[@Reshme77]

💯 ❤❤❤

[@Reshme77]

​@@PepeCoinManiagrow up

[@HollyTheTwisterSister]

This poor woman is being emotionally abused and neglected and the answer is to try harder? Keep enabling her abuser? He sounds like a narcissist. There’s no solving that.

[@mattorama]

Try actually listening to the video. She's the abuser.

[@Nah-ah]

@@mattoramano. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@enlighteningstar]

She's the one literally calling him an idiot just because he doesn't want to spend time with her family and always trying to pester him and poke the bear asking why he doesn't want to do things when he's clearly depressed. If it was the other way around you would definitely be saying that the spouse is doing what she's doing is the abuser. There is such a thing as toxic positivity, trying to force people to socialize when they are depressed and trying to tell them they should be happy is demoralizing. It's no different than when men on the street tell random women they should smile more. It's not because they generally want that other person to be happy, it's because they live in their own little world where they need to feel like everyone's happy in order for them to be happy and it's honestly selfish. All emotions deserve a space to be validated and for many it's critical for so-called "negative" emotions to be felt before you can move on to a better feeling emotions. Which is why many people feel relief from crying.

[@Chels-fz5uq]

@@enlighteningstarshe never called him an idiot. Someone else did in his childhood

[@rubisanisio2595]

I can relate to this. My husband has mood swings and complained all the time. I almost feel like he has OCD because his biggest complaint was that the house was messy and cluttered. My house is not. In fact, my friends always told me that I clean way too much. Plus, I work full time. My daughters work and go to school full time. He left the house because he said that we couldn’t keep the house clean between the 3 of us, but when he was off, he’d sit and watch TV for hours. He didn’t even do the yard work. We hired someone to do the lawns. I cooked, cleaned and work but it wasn’t enough. Now I’m glad, he left because I know that he’ll never be happy.

[@HIMpotter]

Sounds like you were his personal servant & work horse. Don't take him back when he realizes how good he had it. It's your turn now to be happy and be taken care of.

[@rubisanisio2595]

@@HIMpotter thank you. He doesn’t realize that he had a wonderful family. He just didn’t see it and appreciate us. He thought that we were the lucky ones to have him.

[@devadii24]

It’s odd that he was so picky but then didn’t do it himself or be meticulous with the yard… he’s ocd with other people 😞

[@CaToRi-]

I’m sorry but it seems like he just wanted to leave the house and made all these excuses to make him feel “right” (Cognitive dissonance). Be careful because I think he will want to come back. God bless you, I wish you the best.

[@shaylaahava6413]

​@rubisanisio2595 that is good that he left at the very least!! Sometimes they never leave and they become pessimists which in turn is so emotionally and mentally draining. It does not sound like any of you deserved that. Rhetorically, why are most men becoming so dependent on women to work and take care of the home?

[@marykapec-taylor6245]

My husband has chronic pain. We have been together for 11 years . He was so crabby in the beginning. He has really worked on not being so critical. It’s been a game changer.

[@elizabethpieters7798]

Some people just like to complain all the time and 99% of the time they really have nothing to complain about. They like being miserable and misery loves company. People that like to complain get offended and frustrated when people around them are happy. They are perpetual victims. And remember, Victimhood and Narcissism is linked.

[@ST-gf2ms]

100% my husband

[@cdorothy444]

Covert narcissist

[@elizabethbennet1234]

Sorry but not everything can be “worked on” Some People just aren’t compatible and people don’t fundamentally change. You’re either clicking or you aren’t. It’s not her job to constantly try to fix him! She deserves happiness too.

[@Ms.Tee65]

You are absolutely correct, him and I are definitely not compatible. I’m already in the process of moving on. Life is too short to waste .

[@g.s.632]

@@Ms.Tee65absolutely

[@gearsgr]

To me, the husband's behavior she describes shouts resentment. And the best description of resentment I have found so far is something I have read in a romance novel of all places, unfortunately I don't remember who wrote it: "you're setting yourself on fire, just so other people could see the smoke. "

[@sarahalderman3126]

If I were you I would not ever attempt to glean anything even remotely construed as “truth” from a “romance” novel. Especially anything related to love or sex.

[@gearsgr]

@@sarahalderman3126Hence the "of all places" disclaimer... A grown-up certainly does not read romance novels for their truthfulness in describing love, relationships and sex, I would say one reads it mostly for escapism and to past the time relaxing with an optimistic, happy ending guaranteed, kind of reading. Sort of like watching unrealistic depiction of CSI and detective work in some popular TV series, where the "happy ending" translates as finding the murderer and delivering them to justice 😁 But because it's science, gore and guts and a lot of blood, it's less embarrassing to admit to watching than some romantic comedy, I guess. However, that does not mean that it is impossible to find an accurate description worth remembering in one of those. Just like you can find some bit of wisdom delivered by a character in an otherwise unrealistic series or a movie.

[@umiluv]

I disagree. I didn’t get resentment. Him being unable to take compliments sounds like a VERY insecure person.

[@gearsgr]

@@umiluv You have a point. But low self-esteem could have something to do with resentment, don't you think? Like an internalized resentment.. Resentment can be turned both inwards and outwards. I know people who when complimented or thanked for doing something they see as simple or as their duty perceive it as condescending behavior towards them and end up offended. But when they receive an observation that points them to some mistake they might have made, have an outburst of "I'm good for nothing, I never do anything right, I'm useless etc.". Probably repeating something they heard and then internalized during their childhood. When such people try and repress their emotions and needs in order to make other people happy they expect sort of love and gratitude other people usually fail to deliver immediately and then they turn resentful.

[@PsychicsRfake456]

@@sarahalderman3126 I don't read romance novels but I do read fiction and I can tell you sometimes you will get some good wisdom, life lesson, or good advice from a fictional story.

[@adrianaclark8498]

I remember my father saying to me, "I probably did affect you negatively in many ways, making you at least somewhat who and what you are. Now, it's up to you to change all of that. It is your choice. You know I never meant you any ill; I was young, inexperienced, and carrying my own baggage. Now it's up to you to do the work." I am seventy-six years old now, and I did do the work. I forgave him his ordinary humanity. And, we lived to see all of the affection and mutual admiration. True, this man's upbringing may have had a profound impact on him, but, it is now up to him to change that. Some will cling to all of the negativity because it's all they know and they are comfortable with it. Others may be afraid to because they will not know who they are!

[@juliaorpheus]

Beautiful.

[@kdphotos4691]

So happy for you. What your father gave you is all I wanted from my mother, but she is too steeped in religious zealotry to think for herself and try to mend any bond we could have. She'll leave this world bitter with no family who wants anything to do with her.

[@g.s.632]

💯💯💯💯💯

[@rosedevereux2391]

" You know I never meant you any ill; I was young, inexperienced, and carrying my own baggage." Ugh....🤔

[@chilo8187]

Sounds like a pretty lame apology.

[@TheNewMailLady]

Lately I’ve been noticing how much Dr. John talks about himself. In every single possible scenario, he brings it back to himself and the dynamic of him and his wife, etc. I always feel bad for the person on the other and line who is probably frustrated thinking that’s not what I’m asking about please dear God!

[@js5787]

I have noticed that also. Both Ramsey and Dr. John go on about themselves, sometimes talking over each other.

[@Caligirl.8630]

I agree. I feel like he didn't give the best advice in this scenario. She's drowning because of her husband. There is no way she can live her life happy and free alone while she's dragging this other person. And the moment she stops "dragging" he becomes resentful and mean. He's already displaying contempt with eye rolling. He doesn't want to be happy.

[@LeslieStinson]

I agree with this comment.

[@GioMero4Eva]

Sometimes people need examples or relatablitly to compare their situation to. I work as a hotline advocate and often people want to hear other peoples stories and lived experiences. People have a hard time making decisions on their own. Let be real, we even consult the reviews when we shop. Other people’s perspectives can often be helpful.

[@Musiyca]

@@GioMero4Eva Yes, but that's exactly the point of the comment - Dr John lacks other perspective, but his own. So, when someone with drastically different situation calls, he looks for something relatable to his own life. But that one small glimps of relatable doesn't really translate when there's entirely different background. Dr John saw himself in this husband. Which is false! Dr John after 4th-5th family gathering missed came to the conclusion on his own that he's missing out on making memories with his family and changed. The caller has been in swamp for years(!) without her husband coming around. She's already doing a lot to uprise her husband, but he simply doesn't want to. Complitely different situation, yet Dr John views it and adviced his younger self. Can't be applied.

[@Curtis3604]

When John said the thing about compliments making him uncomfortable i literally started sweating. I have alway been very uncomfortable recieving gifts or having birthday parties in my honor and i know its from my childhood. I never learned how to feel good in those interactions

[@LeedawG766]

This one I felt

[@nmce4]

Same.. I'll be 32 on Sunday and my mom asks every year what I want to do for my bday. Every year I tell her nothing. But 1 year my cousin had a Halloween party on my bday and I was hurting instead because no one said happy birthday.. I learned a lot about myself that day

[@rochpartyof5]

Same. I want to crawl under a rock. I’ll be 33 next year.

[@macsuarez11]

I fealt this in my soul.

[@annapatton4544]

I have that as well. But I recon it started when I was in my teens and started having friends from different interest groups. And for whatever reason a couple of them would always fight for attention. If add a boyfriend to that, it's a recipe for disaster. I started hating celebrating my b-days because of it. I started volunteering to work on my b-days. Then I got married and my in-laws happen to have their wedding anniversary on the same day. So again someone else would choose what do and eat on my day. So I went to work again. If wanted to celebrate with friends, I would just invite them over a week after and make a regular hand out together. But then it struck me, that I can send this day however I want and with people that want. So I would tell everybody, including my in-laws that I have to work that day, but actually spend it with my husband or invite just a few closest friends over and do what I want and how I want. And I would always buy a nice gift for myself.

[@j12300]

People really need to stop making their spouses feel bad for not wanting to hang out with their side of the family. It’s exhausting

[@Anthonyistheone]

These things need to be discussed before marriage. Can't act like you enjoy being around them and then switch.

[@j12300]

@@Anthonyistheone its usually the families who act all crazy and overbearing so discuss that

[@BunsenHoneydew001]

Family dynamics change over time. It might have been fine at one time, but evolved into something very uncomfortable. This is quite common with older relatives and young children.

[@ptyleranodon3081]

I think it really depends on the dynamics of the family. If they’re ‘toxic’ then yeah, you’ve got a good reason. But if your reasons are more shallow, then that’s on you. When you marry someone you are marrying into a family. I’ve seen people become disconnected from their own families just because the spouse was unwilling to put in any effort to connect with them. That’s complete horse crap.

[@nemishasharma5737]

This call was a missed opportunity to actually help this lady come to terms with what she has married.

[@Robert74450]

Just get divorced

[@Crumpets7377]

Agreed! Some people are just unhappy beings and therefore make everyone around them unhappy. Best to leave them because I have yet to see extremely negative people change.

[@cuivre2004]

It would be hard to not be overly patronizing, mocking and fawning over him- see how he reacts and realizes you are gaming him and treating him like the child he is. Don't do it long term-just long enough to make a point so he can practice some self-reflection.

[@catastrofakilluminati4884]

Till death do us part, unless there’s something about you I don’t like. Typical modern home wrecker women.

[@nemishasharma5737]

@@catastrofakilluminati4884 "till there's *something* about you that I don't like" WRONG. More like "till you prove over and over again in spite of my best efforts that no kind of life is possible with you".

[@littlemissprickles]

It's so easy to filter your current adult world through the veil of childhood trauma. In my own healing journey, its been so difficult at times to consistently comprehend my husband's actions through a lens of love, because my body reacts to perfectly normal behaviors as though they're motivated by whatever toxicity motivated my emotionally abusive parent. Katie, don't ever let your husband dismiss your gratitude and love. If you thank him for mowing the lawn and he tries to dismiss it, you look him in the eyes and tell him "hon, mowing the lawn is no small job. I really appreciate all that you do to take care of our family. Let me show you that appreciation. When you dismiss it, i feel like you're dismissing my love and affection." This guy needs to learn how to accept love. This whole call is an illustration of the phrase "you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else." Many people (my former self included) think that's a cruel statement, but having gone through it myself, I've realized how accurate it is. Until you can love yourself and receive love from yourself, you will come across as unloving and cold to those who love you.

[@tanisabenulic2861]

I am a woman and I mowed the lawn in my garden, my fathers garden and my mother in laws garden countless times. Besides that I am cooking and cleaning and taking care of renovation and on and on. I feel completely exhausted. Telling your husband "mowing the lawn is no small job" feels insincere. Children are mowing the lawns. A simple thank you would suffice. You don't need to pump the ego of an ingrate.

[@johnsmith49347]

After watching this episode, I started asking my wife “How can I best love you today?”. That little gesture changed my marriage. Dr John Deloney is the greatest addition Dave Ramsey could have ever added. Thank you, Dr John.

[@anavigil7603]

There's a point where one must decide if this chronic bread crumbing from my partner will sustain me, or not. We all need nourishment in a relationship or it becomes very weak or dies. My version of hell is chronic complainers/highly critical people. I have had my fill! The quality of each day counts in my life.

[@er6730]

This is not really good advice, in my opinion. I'm married to someone like this. He doesn't want connection. Now that I've learned to do life without him, he's feeling so much better and is halfway cheerful some of the time. He's GLAD to miss things, that's what I don't understand. Or if he wishes he could go, it's buried very deep. I don't know how to live like this, it's so difficult to keep at the level of distance that makes him comfortable without hating him. And what is it teaching the children? When Daddy gets grumpy, we let him go sit by himself and carry on having fun. It feels so wrong, but the alternative is depressed children. My 9yo was trying to please her father on his birthday "I made you a card, here, and I won't ask you to do anything for me all of today! You can rest and relax and I will go outside so it's quiet for you!😊" That 💔 breaks my heart. When my daughter thinks of what will please her father most, she thinks "I'll go away so I don't bother him, that will make him happy". When the kids do something special for me, it involves perhaps not the ideal things I might like, but it's more like"I'll scratch your back" "here's a sparkly rock" "I mixed up cereal with applesauce and then froze it on this popsicle stick, taste it!" "We made a play, watch us perform it!" And these things please me very much even if maybe they aren't something I'd have asked for. But my husband doesn't enjoy those situations, he will usually endure them out of duty, but that's very different.

[@p.g.2035]

@er6730 you're wrong. Youre teaching your kinds being people pleaser and to blame themselves for people's attitudes. Model you kinds to be free of guilt by going and have fun especially when they did nothing wrong. Even though it's their father he is not helping the kids develop a secure character. Otherwise, when they grow up they're gonna be easily manipulated by their partners like you....sorry

[@hillarybillary21]

Shame on you for keeping your children in a home with a man who is teaching them to be ashamed of themselves. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you. Pitiful, pathetic, disgusting.

[@cuivre2004]

I would turn his attitude that his children are keyed into up to an '11'. Tell him (i.e. guilt him), "Aren't you glad your DAUGHTER is leaving you along for you special day? That must be so NICE for you! I know how you don't like being around her....". In other words, hold up a big mirror in front of him for him to see how his attitude looks to other people. Even if he is a dullard, he should be able to see how that comes across and how selfish and non-parental that makes him look.

[@Chels-fz5uq]

@@p.g.2035she isn’t encouraging that at all, she’s acknowledging the effect it’s having on her kids and working to change it

[@p.g.2035]

@@Chels-fz5uq sure, but that's on her. But she can't model that behavior. Toxic is toxic, no matter the relationship you have with someone. It's better for her to say something like:" look, your father is not well, that behavior is not ok,never ok, he shouldn't have treat us so bad. So, we will tell your father we love him and we will invite him to go out with us, but if he doesn't want to, then we will go anyways because we deserve to have fun and it's his decision to stay. Period

[@ConnieFoster1]

My husband was just spoiled. Only child and his parents gave him everything. They were good people. Every little problem was always my fault. Can't find a paper he laid the counter literally 6 months before...my fault. He never spoke to me unless it was a complaint. Never could make him happy

[@ogpapafan8552]

Can I ask why you married him in the first place?

[@Katprint]

Some people behave differently while you're dating them. Some change after the wedding and some change after babies come along. It's like they feel like they can relax and stop being on their best behavior because now you're trapped. This is gender neutral. Both men and women may behave like this.

[@Ad_Inferno]

Yeah, my husband seems to put me on the same level as his teenage son. We get lumped together regularly. For example, I use his son's bathroom to do my makeup sometimes. He comes in and asks _me_ to clean his son's bathroom: "I don't know whose mess it is." (It was not, in fact, my mess, and I told him I was offended that he phrased it in such a way as to blame me without _directly_ blaming me.) I could go on, but very frequently I find us both equally called out for something he sees that he doesn't like. It's really hard to be loving and intimate with a man who sees me as another child to be parented instead of a partner.

[@champagne4bfast]

@@Ad_Infernoanything you respond with should start with “I beg your pardon?”. It won’t take long for him to catch on that your not a child or his child.

[@Ad_Inferno]

@@champagne4bfast Good thought. Thanks.

[@GoingApeCostume]

This was my husband for years. Then he was diagnosed autistic in his 40s. Yeah, he checked out. He HAD to. Life is so much easier now that we know there is an explanation and we can structure life with enough space from stimulation. There are a lot of people of my generation being diagnosed as the first time as an adult because high functioning autism wasn't on the radar. As a child there was danger in just being the kind of child he was. Teachers, parents, community....his type of brain function didn't fit. If I asked him how I could love him today? He wouldn't have been able to tell me. Alexithymia. Not being able to identify emotions other than "something isn't right". Really typical with autism.

[@asacor9435]

I was thinking autism or bipolar.

[@er6730]

So, how is life easier? My husband's also suspected autistic for the first time in his 40s. I think it's helping him accept himself more, but he still can't handle being a dad and husband. He spends most of his time escaping from us. I suggested that maybe it would be a good solution to live separately and then he'd come over once during the week for an evening, and then on weekends. That way he'd only be with the kids when he "has enough spoons", and be able to rest and recharge in between. That's crazy, I know, but I'm that desperate. It would be so much better to only have him around when he's happy to be around, you know what I mean? He refused because of "looking like a failure as a husband". 🤦‍♀️ Would he rather look like one or be one??? I feel pretty hopeless. He doesn't ever know what he's feeling, and if he does it's delayed by days or weeks. He's stressed out, he's taking anti anxiety meds and it's helping him with work but not enough at home. I'm worried that I'm too resentful and exhausted after eggshells for our 19 years of marriage to be able to be a proper support for him in this new way of seeing his life.

[@GoingApeCostume]

@@er6730 I told my husband that he was to go to therapy, or else, and I meant it. To his credit, he agreed that he needed it. After a year of therapy with a very competent therapist, he was diagnosed. I suspect that the therapist knew what was up right away, and also knew to start reframing things and working on skills before he gave a label. You label it and that's it, it's over in his head. Therapist did the work of it first knowing the process mattered. So, now we have a roadmap to structure life so it's not so confusing or overwhelming. When he has autistic stims, I can see them before he's aware of them, let him know, and we can pivot a bit. He also felt relief because all this confusing stuff, the stuff he felt ashamed about, wasn't his fault. That relief was BIG. Good luck. It's not an easy path.

[@therealdiamondnoelle]

I needed this so much. I'm going through this right now. I like when he told her to be whole and do what makes her happy and that ultimately he will be inspired to be apart of it.

[@cuivre2004]

If he is a gangrenous finger, let him fall off on his own-as long as he doesn't infect his children with his attitude.

[@user-id7mx6fh3n]

I understand the caller, I’m the kind of person who enjoys things and is overall positive and happy, and my husband is different. The most valuable thing I’ve come to realize is that we have to let our partners be who they are and love them for that. He doesn’t have to love and enjoy the sunshine, the breeze, the views the way I do, because I am the one who feels that, as long as we are together sharing a meal or a drink outside, enjoying each other, it’s all that matters. Even if at that moment we talk about something difficult he’s going through, it’s bonding and even fun time together. I don’t need him to feel what I feel for that to be real. I get goosebumps from music and from sun on my face, but that’s me, and he is him, and I love him. Early in our marriage I felt like he isn’t enjoying life or seeing the beauty when it’s there, but later I realized we just are different, we need different things, and it’s ok. There is no right or wrong way to experience life. So let your partner for through life the way he wants to. We can both be who we are and neither needs to turn into the other. It’s a beautiful thing.

[@Melissa-xu2wy]

I went through this exact thing. My husband would always tell me once our baby is born he will change, etc. I would even stop telling him things because of his attitude but it was not until I figured out I could not change him only God can change someone I surrendered him to the Lord and eventually changed. It took some time for him to give his life to Jesus and I remained patient. The Lord helped me through these years because He knew the plans for us well now by the grace of God he changed, he is a completely new person and is now walking faithfully with God he is spreading the Word now and is a Godly Man. Surrender your life to God and leave your husband in His hands I made the change for God and my husband started seeing the change in me and how I wouldn’t say a word to him Anymore.. trust me in this ❤️ Jesus is our only Prince of Peace Wonderful Counselor “For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders.And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭9‬:‭6‬ ‭ Prayers for you and your family ❤

[@TatyanaKosh]

Dear sister in Christ I just thank you for sharing that because I really needed to hear this. So many of the replies are: so I left him and am happy/peaceful/etc. And I DO NOT want this for my family, because I KNOW that our God is able to do so much, he is able to heal, he is able to soften hearts. It just gets so very hard to wait. My prayer is that God would save him and bring him to Himself and there the healing can take place. And then I also just get so so very tired. I hate conflict, I hate it. I hate confrontation. But I’ve been feeling so weary as of late. And like I cannot talk to him because he can talk for hours about what I should or shouldn’t do and so on, but when I even start mentioning something, he takes it like a personal attack. I would hold quiet a lot more before but now my children are growing older and I see that I have to be able to stand up for them, and therefore to learn for myself as well. And then these stupid fights start and I just am not as nice anymore, I get so frustrated. Just like an example, we had a busy week and the day was going to be hectic. My baby woke me up early and so I was thinking what I should make for breakfast, and decided on a somewhat time consuming and tedious dish, but if I went ahead and got up, I should have time. I took the baby and to keep him quiet plopped him on the countertop beside me and gave him some utensils, and there was flour and everything everywhere but I thought that way my husband can have some sleep still. And so I ALMOST finished up, just needed one ingredient that I didn’t have, and as I was finishing he got up and came into the kitchen. Asked him to run to the store and grab it because we were out, (it’s like 3 miles away) and he gets so mad yelling that we have no time to be messing with this because we are in a rush bla bla. I explained that I am literally about finished, but ended up getting in a bad mood and complaining to him about how this is like to me, and then left to the store on my own, when I came back he was cooking up something else instead. So I sat down and fed the kids what I made, ate and got up while he was still cooking his food. I just felt so unappreciated and like no matter what I do or how I try it is just the bad thing to do. I stopped saying much but tears just kept rolling. And then he wanted to lighten up and started telling me to apologize, and I said NO and explained why again and it went on and on. He gets mad i I get mad, and starts threatening to leave and never to come back and all this baloney that he has been threatening for years in uncomfortable situations. But by evening it was more or less ok, and the next night he starts talking and talking about how I am in the wrong because I used to not act like this, I used to not be so stubborn and would just apologize and now I’m acting like I’m holy and blameless all the time. And of course I couldn’t put in a word. And he was trying to be nice by then and asking me to try to change back to how I was. and I’m just thinking: Lord, I can’t. I don’t know how to deal with this. And then we are ok until another stupid fight like this over nothing. And I know this is not a healthy pattern but we promised to be both in sickness and in health right? And more than any promises I can make or he, I still try to lean into the promises of God to be faithful and answer if we pray according to his will. And my biggest prayer is his salvation, because I know THAT is where healing begins. He too had a very traumatic childhood with much abuse from his parents, and I know this is playing into the role as well, and I know Him who can heal. And then it gets so frustrating to wait. Like it will never happen. And then you just hear everyone reply with an: I left and felt happier. I don’t want that. I want the change that God can do. Anyway if you read this through, sorry it’s so long. It is late and I am tired and I can write whole newspaper articles when it is late and I am tired. Like, no breaks. 😅 It was just good to hear your comment because it encourages me to hang on, and just beg God to guide me how to act along the way because I just really CANT on my own. God bless you

[@Melissa-xu2wy]

@@TatyanaKosh hello, thank you for your reply. Have faith it will happen. As long as he’s not abusing you etc, you can keep hanging in there. That night I asked God why me? He led me to this verse “We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. These are the people God chose, because that was his plan.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭ERV‬‬ I will be praying for you and your family 🙏🏼

[@cece7594]

This is a huge testimony and good to hear! I've been struggling with this regarding my husband but nothing is impossible for God. Just need to keep praying and give it to him and trust him. It's been really hard 😢

[@Melissa-xu2wy]

@@cece7594 “We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. These are the people God chose, because that was his plan.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭ERV‬‬

[@proudatheist2042]

Religious beliefs are false narratives that keep people from seeing the truth about life, including toxic people that can't be changed and are best avoided.

[@kirstenhansen51504]

I like to play a fun game at my house... Leave and see how long it takes my husband to notice... It's usually hours if he ever even asks.

[@katrina3560]

I can relate to Katie. It has come to a point in my marriage where I won't tolerate the base level mood being irritation/anger, daily. I won't tell my husband that HE is awful and broken, but I have told him the onus is on him to regulate his moods and sort this out. For us, it's gone on for some time now and I've reached my limits. Good luck to Katie and husband❤

[@PepeCoinMania]

You are just very bad wives you are probably holding sex right now as hostage 😂

[@katrina3560]

@@PepeCoinMania 😌 nah, I have needs too and we don't play that. You're an ignorant fool and I bet a single one at that. Bless your heart.

[@Stander33]

After several years of being married and having small children, my husband became more and more dissatisfied with life and his anxiety and anger was rising. I had to find a way to enjoy life without counting on my H, he had become a complainer about daily life and responsibilities-not trying to look inward or see that his way of reacting was pushing people away. He couldn’t connect emotionally with me or the kids and one day an opportunistic person came along and he started an affair-suddenly he started blaming me for being “cold/distant”. Choosing to find joy for myself did not help draw my H closer or encourage him to get help. Instead, he looked for an outside answer to an inside problem. I’m not sure he would have agreed to therapy even if I had asked long ago…just seemed like he was totally blind to what was going on inside him. Sometimes we learn the hard way

[@lauren_WI]

I was in the same situation, it’s very hard. It’s only up to them to turn inside and do the work, unfortunately, most people don’t. Hope you’re doing well❤

[@thedadyouneverhadchannel3544]

He felt unappreciated is my guess.

[@lauren_WI]

@@thedadyouneverhadchannel3544 idk if that how her felt with @Stander33 but mine was so angry it turned into abuse, so for me, that’s not him feeling unappreciated, it’s more like his problems were an excuse for his abuse.

[@melissafoster9701]

I couldn't do it I wasn't going to ignore his moods and I just had to end my 9 yr marriage he was alcoholic that couldn't hold a job and blamed it on me

[@bina_5]

Speaking from 20 years of experience in a marriage like this, just work on yourself. The constant trying to help them does nothing and you’ll just be doing it for decades. If your going to stay with him than accept who your with, he’s going to continue to struggle with gratitude and joy, pray for him, love him but and work on being the best version of yourself. There’s peace there.

[@matheuspolicarpo6215]

I agree I am a negative man and people around me and even myself suffer because of it from times to times i have tried more than 5 years to change but i just cant. The way i function. The way i see things. All negativities When i dont feel like doing something i think its best to be Alone because if i go to a social situation i will only bring everyone down with me I have a conversation with my girl about this We agreed in dont have Kids because i am afraid They will get my negative traits and that i understand if she dont want to be with someone negative like me I am not abusive. Agressive or something like that . I just cant be in good mood for long times . But when i become negative i try my best to not do ano bad to others

[@jet4415]

Goodness, how exhausting! “Rolling eyes” is the ultimate disrespect for a spouse. His guy sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder. Prepare to get away from this energy suck.

[@cruzan8183]

This is a sad call. Her husband is beyond painful. I use to be a complainer and sulked all the time. The wife can’t help him. He has to change himself. Why is this her burden.

[@EXDna]

Thank you man. Remind these people that one, it's not their responsibility to take on that weight, and two, its not ok to put that kind of weight on others constantly. The sick first have to recognize how it is they're sick, and hurt.

[@aaronwindham6065]

It's not her burden, as he said in every single freaking video, somebody has to take responsibility for things that aren't their fault. If they want him to change this is the best way to do it. She wanted to stay with him this was her choice. No one is obligated to stay in a marriage it is not her burden.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

He married you because you initially were his life source but you aren’t meant carry that load alone.

[@melissab3217]

My brother-in-law is like this but worse. Hates his life but refuses to change anything. Puts up his hoodie, gets on his phone, and ignores his family. Sadly his kids have copied his behavior and are very isolated and depressed.

[@kathiemathias212]

That’s not copying. That’s DNA working

[@CyeOutsider]

​@kathiemathias212 Nobody is genetically predisposed to this behaviour. All behaviour is in part also environmental.

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

The problem with the compliments is that he doesn’t believe them. He doesn’t believe he is good enough and he doesn't believe people can really think highly of him or appreciate what he does. In his mind all those things sre not genuine because he doesn’t think about himself in that way. I know because I feel the same way. I can't believe people actually think highly of me, because I don't think highly about myself.

[@megsley]

maybe you need to stop trying to invalidate others' thoughts and feelings so much - if they are grateful to you THEN LET THEM FEEL GRATEFUL.

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

@megsley it's not that I do it on purpose or anything. Your logic is the same than the logic of people that tell depressed people "all you have to do is go for a walk, it's beautiful outside. You'll feel better". That's not how it works, but people that haven't been through it wouldn't understand it.

[@ILuvMyBrwnSkin]

​​@@wekivaaquatics5918Agreed. It's a one sided and selfish statement they made. I appreciate your honesty and self awareness

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

@@ILuvMyBrwnSkin thank you

[@jioljo6627]

I realized I could work myself into an early grave for my husband and he would still ask for more out of me. Some people you can’t please. I stopped trying. (His mother calls him a little piss ant in front of me and his kids). But I can’t let him bring me down.

[@K_M.G]

If everyone seems to think he is an idiot, then maybe he is. Move on, sweetheart. Your happiness and peace matters. ❤

[@priscillaL83]

And he will never be happy. Happiness comes from within. It is not your job to maintain his happiness. You will exhaust yourself. I spent 18 years trying to make my ex husband happy till i got sick.

[@xman666soad]

Having been that husband, to now being what my wife says a changed man: he needs Jesus. Once he fully accepts Jesus gift he will no longer feel the need to complain incessantly. Happened to me, I used to be that guy for my whole life. Now I’m still that guy on the inside I’m just more stoic in my approach and I don’t see only misery. Every. Single. Day. The Holy Spirit comes to me when I pray and reassures me. The world is not perfect but I can’t change the world by force, I can only change it by changing the way I perceive the world, with Jesus, I’m finally at peace. I’ve even stopped swearing. It’s possible. And I never thought I would change.

[@PepeCoinMania]

It doesn’t work if your wife is the devil 😂

[@nantinee9]

Praise the Lord!

[@ILuvMyBrwnSkin]

​@@PepeCoinManiaYou are spreading your bitterness and bias all over this thread and it's sad

[@hymnodyhands]

​@@PepeCoinManiaBut we know the devil, just like God, is MASCULINE...

[@user-jb7zu4yy7g]

I have told my husband this. Jesus is the way.

[@vjs4539]

When I was first married, my sister in law would compliment me over really basic things I did. I thought she was trying to manipulate me because she was so nice and I couldn't handle the compliments.

[@candyxoxo19]

That’s how my bf is. He is a generous complimenter. Simple things I do always catch his eye. It’s like his talent bc that’s how he was raised.

[@vaska1999]

I'd feel patronised to be complimented on really basic things.

[@fishtail1129]

The focus on “he’s so ungrateful” sounds very parental. John is spot on here, she is dismissing him like a parent who says “get up you’re fine”.

[@sarahholland2600]

She meant negative I think. Bad choice of word.

[@tanisabenulic2861]

She described him perfectly, she didn't say it in his face. If she does everything and he doesn't appreciate anything than he is ungrateful. One should not take things for granted

[@smb0621]

I have mixed feelings on this. There comes a point where you have to put away and stop blaming your present actions on your past experiences. If you’re being rude and unsupportive and uncaring and perpetually pessimistic and critical, that’s the choice you are making right now. And you deserve accountability for it. That you had a bad childhood may provide and explanation for why that’s your default, but it’s not an excuse. You have to command your feelings, command your mental state, command your behaviors-or else they will command you. He has the right to be hurt for what was done to him, but he has a duty to see he is hurting his wife *now* by his attitude and actions. We *do* have control over what kind of thoughts we ruminate on-you can choose to dismiss that perpetually complaining inner dialogue. He needs to recognize he’s sabotaging his relationship and put away old thinking and replace it with new, more grateful, more humble thinking. It’s freaking hard, but he can’t use mom and dad as an excuse.

[@saraliburd7752]

This wife is being held hostage by her husbands ‘stuff’ He doesn’t want to be better -he wants to stay in victim mode She will probably have to walk away

[@Cowgirl77Hikes]

Thanks for the spotlight on our last 25 years of disconnected marriage. I'm doing the things with greater understanding and compassion.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

When I’m feeling good, not much can bring me down, but when I’m feeling down, nothing good can bring me up and out.

[@toosense]

Sometimes when you see everything through a filter of negativity it’s nearly impossible to let the light in. Compliments are never sincere and doing your job isn’t to be commended because it is expected. Seeing your family move on and have fun without you can sometimes make things worse, like they’re better off without you dragging them down. It all comes down to how much you value your own self worth and impact on the family, friends and compliments won’t change that, it’s gotta come from the inside. Negative people often know they’re negative and that reality just makes them feel more like sh1t about themselves. Vicious circle.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I think im just not cut out for marriage because I could not deal with this stuff... A lot of these calls... I would just leave. I've been with complainers and negative men and it IS exhausting and it's not worth it to me. I'm not here to fix someone or hold your hand, you should be doing the self work you need to do.. and if you're not I highly doubt im going to help you to. Trauma work and self growth is a lifelong journey, one that I've been on for over 10 years, only at 25 years old, and I'm only scratching the surface. I always ask and try to gauge when I'm dating someone that they value self growth and self evaluation etc, because it's a whole lot of extra drama to be with someone who doesn't.

[@omowhanre]

You don’t want to walk through life with an imperfect person? Ok cool. Just don’t expect anyone to want to walk through you through your mess. The people who have the “best” marriage advice are those who’ve never done it. I promise you’re not as “evolved” as you think you are.

[@Lil-Whiskies]

I have a low tolerance for dysfunction and yes, living single is much easier. Making huge sacrifices for others when it is damaging to your own life and peace of mind is not a healthy or reasonable way to live for anyone. Life goes fast, don't waste time on futility.

[@HPLaserJet2100tn]

I agree with you and my dating history shows it. I don’t date men who make my life harder. It is one thing to be honest about working through your childhood trauma to communicate well. It is an entirely different struggle to date a man who has not evolved enough to have a successful relationship and may yell, stonewall, criticize, berate, humiliate, and take advantage of your time/effort/money. Every woman should read “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft

[@daCubanaqt]

@@omowhanre It’s not about perfect, it’s about what you are willing to put up with. The OP knows the type of person they couldn’t be bothered with. There are a lot of normal functioning adults out there who don’t have all this drama. It’s not a bad thing to want a peaceful life.

[@ingridbergman-vz7go]

Agree with your comment, commonsensecapricorn. It's not our job to mother a grown adult. Good to be aware of the flags before making a relationship permanent. A lot of people, men and women would save themselves a lot of heartache. Nothing wrong with you avoiding being buried by someone else's emotional baggage. They need to deal with it. It's not another person's job to make someone else happy.

[@traceyleeherrera5247]

don't know how i feel about the advice given, i think he's sees it clearly but there were too many dismissive statements made at the caller, with more grace extended to the husband than the wife i do feel badly for the husband, many of us had parents that were our first bullies but this man has a wife that keeps trying.. he did not marry his unfinished business, he burdens her with his unfinished business maybe i am over defensive because my dearest friend is married to this kind of man she's is the loveliest, kindest, most patient woman in the world and his attitude is very taxing on her, their children and all of us who love them all including him 😔

[@brodssn]

You are being defensive. Every relationship is different and perhaps John has seen this dynamic more than once.

[@lv2756]

@@brodssnwe’ve all seen this dynamic more than once. A dutiful wife whose emotions and life revolve her husband and a husband whose never satisfied. It’s not a unique situation. The deep nasty secret is that if she’s doing everything she can and he’s finding something to complain about with all of her effort, there somewhere else he’d rather be. This women is so focused on what she’s doing wrong and HIS happiness she doesn’t even realize she’s not happy either. As if it doesn’t matter, and if it doesn’t matter to her, it couldn’t matter less to him. He’s not calling this show to fix his marriage, and inquiring about being a better partner and he never will. But she is. And she will continue to do so.

[@traceyleeherrera5247]

@brodssn we should expect that he has seen this dynamic more than once, but he mentioned his own experiences a few times and we all have our own biases i am biased myself as my best friend, her husband and i all met in our youth, now in the twilight of our lives her other friends, family and i have all seen the lifelong toll it has taken

[@nancyglezhdez]

Agreed. I noticed that too.

[@ellis61wolf]

Therapy does not work for everyone. Some people need their problems solved to be happy . Trust me I know .

[@jennamc6537]

You are soo spot on with this one! It is extremely hard to rewire your brain and relearn how to be You and healthy when you've been so traumatized and you never had to chance to be anything other than on defense. Someone who has been so from childhood doesn't learn what normal for healthy people is. Kindness, generosity, compassion, unconditional friendship, love, and trust is strange and bewildering. You become frozen, not sure if you can trust what is before you. And it takes years to begin to lean into it, IF, it is genuine and you have the space, time, and love to begin to shed the protective armor and breathe.

[@suracharawirojratana8723]

Hi, I have listened to your show for a while and I really appreciate your kindness to others . Sometimes, your answers and your wisdom made me think that you might have been a Buddhist in your past life. THANK YOU 🙏

[@singerjo5791]

There is no past life, only eternity…

[@renebrown7394]

This is emotional abuse….period. He either needs to seek some type of professional help and they all move forward or they need to part ways and everybody choose their own fate seperately…Really though hes basically checked out of the marriage and life in general…sad but shes being dragged behind him.

[@69429boss]

He's never gonna change

[@audrey_the_redhead_teacher]

"He doesn't have the skill set to..." and all the excuses John found for him sounded more like projection than advice. This call was very poorly handled, sorry. This woman has gone through enough to then be told to stick it out and he'll come around.

[@marinacabrera8293]

I agree.

[@bzh7648]

I was deeply depressed for several years and I complained all the time. My mom did this too sometimes. I slowly, gradually tried to remind myself to stop the complaining. Everyone has problems. Many people experience tragedies, and very often other people don’t empathize with those. We might not get the love and comfort we need during these roughy times. My faith helps me, but if you don’t have that, maybe you can seek out a doctor and counselor. Any of us can try to do for our friends and neighbors what we want for ourselves. Give them a smile and friendly words. When you go out, focus on how you can help the people around you. It’s so very hard when you’re depressed, but you have to practice it.

[@jesstheromantic]

I would love an update on this couple because this situation really does seem hopeless if he can’t even try

[@chrissytolley]

This man makes me tear up every time. Because I’m so, so, SO afraid of men and he’s phenomenal at translating their behavior

[@barbarajean7208]

This was so incredible! I have a new respect for what we humans do to cope and how strong we are. Thanks for sharing the humanity, John. This was so very impactful.

[@kedakai]

John is personalising this situation. Her experience is hers not his. She's already tried everything and reached a point where the husband's toxicity is enough and pointless. It isn't up to her to change him. She needs to go and let him heal on his own.

[@HelenEk7]

Great advice. You go live your best life for yourself, and your kids, and that might actually be what helps your spouse to start taking the right steps forward. It might not do the trick, but at least try that first.

[@flyandshy00]

If a man is mean to you - he’s likely is cheating and/or does not like you anymore and want you to leave him because he doesn’t want to appear as a bad guy for leaving you. So check his accounts and have a reason to leave him.

[@youssefcharradi2363]

I strongly feel that you are projecting your own story here. Dr Jhon said that the husband loves his wife but his body is uncomfortable. Also you are inviting people to spy on their spouse accounts !

[@kalimbaayinde25]

Don’t check anything. Just tell him, you are free to leave. No one is holding you hostage.

[@74GenX]

Or he was abused as a child as was mentioned in the video by the wife. Your personal situation is not always the case just because you experienced it.

[@hillarybillary21]

@@74GenXit’s common knowledge, Einstein.

[@asacor9435]

Husband needs to be checked out for bipolar. I went to several meetings of bipolars and their care takers, all of it sounds the same

[@PepeCoinMania]

Husband needs regular sex

[@jacquelinemarie9655]

I hope her husband really does take ownership of his trauma and mental health before it ruins his marriage forever. He’s so lucky that he has a loving wife who wants to support him. I speak from experience; it IS possible to heal from childhood trauma. I have seen a huge difference in myself and my view of the world BECAUSE of my husband, our love and our marriage. The difference is that when my husband has kindly approached me about any behaviours I have that harm our marriage, I do my damndest to change it rather than take it personally. It took me 10+ years of therapy. He has a long road ahead of him. But I can say with certainty it is so damned worth it. I would go through the tedious and emotionally heartbreaking therapy sessions and mess ups and failures all over again, in a heartbeat. Sending all my prayers and support to the caller and her husband. ❤

[@Jen03k]

I feel her on this. My husband has significant depression and it's been bad for the last 2 years. My husband struggles find joy in much even after 1 year of therapy. I know my responses to him have been similar. No one understands how much it effects you.

[@InitiallyJayKay]

I feel like we're glossing over that she mentioned hes from out of state. Theres a slight possibility that hes feeling resentment towards her if hes feeling like we was forced to move towards her family while no longer being near his.

[@marlenebtagelman2451]

We can't chsnge someone.

[@maje5459]

I’m sure this is all coming from a good place but I feel following his advice will make the couple drift apart even more. Or end up with the guy happy and alive with somebody else.

[@leannebahuaudbradley569]

Thank you for making a series on this topic!!! I’ve spent the last year learning about feminine and masculine energy, and I’ve never understood dark feminine vs light feminine until this video! I’m so excited for the next ones to come out!

[@kater2k]

I'm so happy to have stumbled on this video. I am currently dealing with the same thing. I currently have my own mental health issues, and trying to support someone who refuses to see the positive drags me down and then I don't have the energy for me nor him. I know that he is not happy with life right now. Feels like a failure to me, and to himself. I think I'm making the mistake of trying to help him, instead of living my life and being happy, and letting seeing what life could be like with me when he decides he's ready to show up.

[@Candace-M-]

People often say someone does something "For no reason" and that bugs me because we all do the things we do because of something or for a reason. Telling someone they're acting a way for no reason is saying to them, "Stop acting this way because it's making me look bad, you look bad, and I don't like how it's making *me* feel."

[@rochpartyof5]

Does he love his job? If he doesn’t love his job, that could have ALOT to do with him being miserable. You can’t look forward to next day when you hate where you are going the next day. That could explain why the spontaneous things make him feel so good. Just a suggestion. I do not like the same things day in and day out. I get burnt out. It’s something I really struggle with.

[@ivankrushensky]

He probably works 80 hours a week on a hot and steamy oil rig and when he gets home she has a whole list full of places he has to go and socialize....and then wonders why he's grumpy. She's probably a stay-at-home mom or a teacher with the entire summer off.

[@charminlindholm7779]

“I can’t make you better and I have to make myself whole.”

[@cynthiaking5308]

My husband had a learning disability. He was called ‘the big dummy,’ by his brother, father and grandfather until he was ten. Our daughter has dyslexia just like her dad (he was never diagnosed) she’s grown now, but i was thinking back and said to him if you called her a dummy or stupid i would have thrown you out. I can’t believe your mother allowed that. She thinks she’s mother of the year and she’s not. She was a horrible person for not sticking up for him. His response, it wasn’t so bad. I get to live with a man so riddled with doubt he can’t make a decision. He’s lucky I’m good at it.

[@TEM14411]

You are doing the same thing...believing you make better decisions. Instead, encourage him to trust and believe in himself. All judgement leads home....judge not.

[@lisalister8002]

This man is an awesome counselor!!

[@PepeCoinMania]

Awesome Simp 😂

[@vanessamunday]

Best part for me was when Deloney shared that shining a spotlight in someone's eyes and demanding that they look into the bright light won't make them want to share in that light, but allowing them opportunities to see light and happiness where they can choose to be a part of it when they are ready is the way to draw them in.

[@liveinms9949]

Husband may need meds for a short time so that he can function enough to do counseling

[@jimv77]

Naturally I think I am a optimistic person. Though I wonder if the modern world has made us negative people. In terms of the World is terrible place, People are out to get us, don't trust your employer, neighbors, friends, family, etc. Once I forced myself to chill and ignore most of the issues on TV/Internet that it really doesn't affect me at the current moment in my life....is so much better now. Life is too short to worry and get involved in everyone's else business. That being said....the irony of me watching this KZbin channel regularly and having to insert my two cents...LOL!

[@eliocosmos]

I agree with you. No one is out to get anyone. The world is not falling apart and humanity is not lost. It’s powers and principalities trying desperately to convince us that what is isn’t and what isn’t is. Lies. Nothing but lies. And really understanding this leads to a new and beautiful perspective.

[@PepeCoinMania]

It’s not that bad it could be worse

[@MissHellblazer]

I thought he was never happy due to psychological issues, and I tried my best to help him. Then I found out he could be perfectly happy with his friends, he was unsatisfied only when he was with me. At that point I understood I had to leave.

[@strajearocks11]

My story is this caller's story on another level. My husband has always been a little ungrateful & a little unreasonable, but now he has a progressive disabling disease that will most likely cause aggressiveness & I will have to do everything for him. This is the same condition my husband's father had, & made his father became very mean. I can't love somebody who is mean to me & treats me badly. My husband is against taking anxiety meds. What do I do??

[@jet4415]

Stop trying to fix the guy, he is bringing you down. Then see what happens….ANGER.

[@strajearocks11]

@@ekl2947 my husband can't & won't go to counseling & I work full-time so when do I have time to go? Honestly, with the probability of my husband needing a nursing home or full-time long-term nursing care(his condition intimately leaves him with ALS symptoms/dementia/ Alzheimer's)I've had more than one financial expert tell me that if we don't want to lose our house, we should get divorced.

[@lucindabreeding]

You should take care of you. You don't need his permission to take anxiety medication.

[@strajearocks11]

@@lucindabreeding -my husband's doctor prescribed him anxiety meds but he won't take them & I don't need them...yet...

[@jovitarich7078]

There’s a program called LIFE SKILLS INTERNATIONAL, I think it’s located in Colorado but they transfer to Texas? you can look at Bay Area life skills and see about the program. I myself was one of the persons who was able to changed greatly but I combined the program with also reading and studying the Bible. I spent years studying like crazy with 3 different programs. Life skills is a 3 year program once a week and they have material like kind of going to school. Bible studies and life skills changed me but the person needs to want to change otherwise it won’t work. Also someone mentioned diet and get rid of carbs, look at that comment.

[@hollypinque5349]

I wish John knew / read / used the book HOW WE LOVE by Milan & Kay Melovich - it was so eye opening. She sounds like the pleaser & he sounds like the avoider. It was so so so helpful

[@sarahp8937]

I'm the husband in this instance and yes I feel the world is on my.shoulders due to childhood trauma and probably a bit of depression. I can see I drag my husband down but this call helped me realise what it looks like from the outside.

[@pmeehan_3]

An apple can't tell you what it's like to be an orange.

[@spcvonhamm8857]

One of the greatest gifts you can give to someone who is hurting is to sit very quietly with them… and this takes time… and you must close your mouth and open your ears. Even most clinicians I used to work with did not have this skill. So I know it’s a very difficult concept for a spouse who uses chipper cheeriness as her method of operation in the world.

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

He threatened to leave, he threatened to stay. Everything is a threat unless he pays

[@kalimbaayinde25]

I am in this boat right now. I hate when he comes home, because l know it’s going to be drama and complaints. I actually don’t care if he comes home or not. I feel relief when he leaves the house. I regret this marriage so much.

[@darrengeorgetown6758]

Most women just file for divorce when they get bored and lose the butterflies. You will be no different

[@brandygee9954]

You deserve happiness. Miserable people can bring stress inducing illnesses to you. If you drop dead they will still be here complaining.

[@vaska1999]

There's no point in wasting any more of your life on a man who makes you feel relieved when he leaves the house