The insults you hear in a narcissistic relationship

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@johnnytsunami9967]

Never justify, explain, defend, or overshare with a narcissist

[@bluebelldays7650]

NO NEVER EVER.

[@ExoticalT369]

…This! 👏

[@Janeway1269]

That gets challenging when a Narc is your boss. Sometimes you need to explain your work or ideas. You just have to keep it as neutral as possible.

[@lovewhitey2027]

Just be captivating audience Listen 👂🏻 80% talk bs 20% and then escape

[@desert_moon]

BTDT. Never again.

[@espectroarcoiris]

The difference between a joke and an insult is that in a joke both sides are laughing, in an insult they are laughing at you.

[@tomd1434]

Exactly. Within a family parents need to set that tone. If they don’t and siblings pick on and disrespect one another it causes problems. I had a sibling enjoy laughing at me often. Doesn’t exactly foster good feelings going forward especially when the parents just seemingly let it happen.

[@TheWabaKing]

Yep. She went to Harvard

[@stevensutlief1914]

It’s put down humor, and it’s mean.

[@teampenit]

I call it the "mean girl' laugh...that contemptous "everyone LOOK we have a victim over here that is less than us" laugh..

[@teampenit]

my niece pulled this on me at Christmas dinner, I was having a conversation on hte other end of the table about lemonade and it turned to pink lemonade and then to grapefruit's effect on the body (a legitimate fact, there are meds you can't take if you eat grapefruit) and I mentioned that they say that pineapple can help with eye floaters...she suddenly burst out this LOUD mean girl laugh and said "OH MY GOD that's so RANDOM!!'. I just got up and walked away. I sent her a message telling her how it hurt my feelings and explained what we were talking about and she came back with "We were just having family fun, don't make it something it's not" I explained that I didn't just make it up...I read a actual study from Taiwan...and I also read an article on how scientists are studying the DNA of ancient grains to plot the migration of prehistoric people but it wasn't apropos of the topic at hand....

[@timdetmers3240]

PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU DO NOT (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU AND PEOPLE WHO (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's that simple, but for those of us who have been narcissistically abused this is a bitter pill to swallow, a difficult truth to digest and come to terms with. I am 71 years old and I struggle with this reality daily.

[@hammertime369]

❤

[@goesfarfliesnear1447]

But you know this and are miles ahead of so many. The fact that you're introspective enough to know this and wise enough to learn says a lot about you! Life wasn't meant to be a struggle, please treat yourself with compassion!

[@thebookdoc.writing.and.editing]

OK, tell my alter ego who has this really shallow underpinning and falls for the best looking girl in the room who no one will talk to. Over-confidence seems to work. But the personalities that go with a pretty face often don't.

[@anitaarya1451]

It will never stop

[@hammertime369]

@@anitaarya1451 no but at least there are those of us who have come to that conclusion so forewarned is forearmed💗

[@n4titi]

I think the worse thing you can do to someone, is listen to what they have been through, and then put them through it again. For me this is exactly what narcissists people do. You over share something that happened to you and it is used as a weapon against you.

[@x426x]

Mine used my inner most personal things I vented to her about against me. Spread my business. Sent naked pics of me to everyone. I mean the list goes on and on with the disrespect. But to hear her tell it, it’s all my fault.

[@jayaxavier6805]

Oh yes so true 😢

[@Dhyaam5989]

Exactly. I didn't know what narcissist behaviour was . Growing up with one parent like that I was used to it. My first try at dating I ended up with narcissist. I was always anxious, stresses , at extreme of my emotions ..and when I asked to stop all those he said we are having completely healthy relationship. After long rant of his mistakes he told me I'm just like my father. That hurt a lot..when he used everything I told him against me. He called me a psycho and said no one would put up with me , I should be grateful. Consent was a joke to him . He talked as if he deserved my body just because we were in a relationship. When I refused coz I am a virgin .. he was ranting on that it's modern times , virginity is nothing, sex is pain and pleasure that should be enjoyed. When I refused to fall in line with that one he was trying to make me believe I'm wrong party . He shamed me for being traditional. I was craving for affection so I did fall in some way like video calls. Thank God for some sense that remained coz of my parents else I would have been in much deeper trouble. Even after 5 months of no contact I'm still afraid coz after long periods of his stubbornness to not breakup he finally went away quietly and quickly after I said I'm scared and not interested in him. Maybe he realised I didn't fell in his trap because when I went back and read that last chat my responses to his many things were different from than my usual. I'm afraid whether he has screen recorded our video calls which he forced me into ( I was also stupid for doing it coz I used to think that was so stupid earlier and now but at that time don't know what happened) . Whether he will call and blackmail me or if he will spread those . I can't even imagine those scenarios, my family will be hurt , my conservative society will shun me. But no matter what I won't return to him. Because living in shame as an outcast is better than living as dead body in prison

[@MsKenTexiana]

So true. It happened to me. I no longer tell the narcissist anything about me. I disconnected from them. Those who know the narcissist, I advise not tell them information you don't want to hear or use against. The more information they have about you, the more fuel they have to use against you to hurt you and control you. I get phone calls from narcissist that I do not answer. Texts wishing happy birthday and holidays, I respond thanks. That is it. I don't want the trauma drama.

[@MsKenTexiana]

​@@x426x Similar things happen to me. But hurted. Got away from them in January 2023 and took the year to get over the hurt. I have peace.

[@kaileim970]

This so reminds me of my former husband! He would insult me/my body (after bearing him 3 children) while we were getting dressed. The first couple of times he did this, I was dumbfounded, shocked and speechless. The last time this happened, I turned around and said 'well, I wouldn't look twice at you either.' The look on his face was priceless. Needless to say, the marriage did not last and I am now free!!!!!!

[@roswb5388]

Kailei. That’s the trouble when you insult them back they can’t take it and it causes a huge fight. Then they gaslight you and say you are abusive. You can’t win!

[@kaileim970]

@@roswb5388 EXACTLY

[@roswb5388]

@Sara K. it’s very hard dealing with these individuals, and they never change.

[@korab.23]

How do you talk to your children about it? I'm halfway into divorce and my oldest misses him but I just can't...

[@kaileim970]

@@korab.23 my son was 12 when we split. I told him that I wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, it was important. That I respected that he loved his dad because he was his dad, and never wanted to interfere with that. I told him I never wanted him to feel he had to choose one over the other or that he was in the middle. Within the next year, while in the middle of divorcing, my estranged husband committed suicide and it unleashed a whole new level of Hell. I didn't handle it well and was so angry with him for what he did to our kids by abandoning them that way. After 10 years of counseling and 15 years later, I am still working on forgiving him, but it allowed me to set a new household climate and move away from his controlling, authoritative dominion. The kids and I survived, and the son is a kind, loving, caring, non-violent but anxious adult now. More than you probably wanted to know, but the road is a hard one and so worth it. Don't make excuses for your Ex's behavior, and try not to bash him to the kids. My best to you and your children.

[@K119_]

The “kind” insults are the worst. I babysat for my “ex-boss” She was constantly “complimenting me” but for some reason I NEVER felt good after. 90% of the time her compliments made me want to cry or get mad. But they were worded so “sneaky” that I could never confront her. I would sound crazy. I ended my job and very vaguely mentioned how I didn’t like how she treated me and I was done with her passive aggressive statements. She said “I’m sorry you mistook my confidence in you as insults” So gaslighting me was her last words.

[@jamaicanjoyh6883]

a pro! wow

[@sethlewis8262]

@@darrinsiberia what do you mean by they need help ?

[@__.Sara.__]

@@sethlewis8262 Probably psychiatric help.

[@alwaysbeeurself]

Good thing you listened to your intuition. Easier said then done. But YOU DID IT! :)

[@Chantelace]

She was threatened by you you shouldn’t have left

[@chulababy6366]

Everyone has the right to be treated well. Do not let ANYONE take that from you..

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

Never tell them anything personal. They will twist it around and tell everyone. They like to make you look bad and they'll tell everyone how they helped you.

[@lillianbarker4292]

When I visited my narcissistic mother I never told her anything except the most mundane things because she’d own it and brag or use it against me. She really didn’t know me after awhile. Then I realized that she really didn’t care who I was as a separate person. 😢

[@ariesqueen.]

Sooooo True

[@terryneil3622]

So true

[@SPCH0]

Sounds familiar!... Greetings from Canada!... 🍁

[@missvegan1967]

Dutt'n matter they could talk until their heart's content. Get indifferent, live, be happy. ❤

[@candacewilliams5220]

Oh wow my partner would insult me ALL the time , so much that it just became normal to hear all those hateful words. And any time I would call him out he would just say it’s all a joke and I’m wayyyy to sensitive. It felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly.

[@deepviolet7982]

As always, Great information. Cliff notes…if you’re having too many “WTF” moments, then you know! For me, leaving one (husband) and going no contact with another (mother & sister) has ENHANCED my life 10 fold🌿🌷🌿🌷. Narc magnet NO more! Peace and love to all🍃💜🍃💜

[@lovewhitey2027]

Exactly if Im confused and start becoming a pi 🕵️‍♀️ in a basic conversation Time to Go 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

[@ts4686]

I'm trying to go no contact with my narcs. Mine are also sibling and mother. I've gone no contact with the sibling but they still manage to sabotage my life from afar, especially through my mother. It's more difficult to go no contact with my mother as financial and other factors are forcing me to live with her. And also....she is my mother and getting older, and I'm so scared of losing her, but also know I won't survive her abuse much longer. Fuxk it's so complex when narcs are family. I'm happy for you that you could escape. I long for the day that I can too. Take care, friend.

[@Strafuzz]

It’s amazing you literally feel lighter when you go no contact

[@carolynj6144]

I left my relationship with a narcissist two weeks ago. It really is crazy how he convinced me that his insults were normal. Thank you Dr. Ramani, your videos have been so helpful for me

[@nicolamills8003]

How has the last 2 mths been?

[@carolynj6144]

@@nicolamills8003 thank you so much for taking the time to ask. The last 2 months have been a little bit exhausting because healing is up & down, but luckily I have a great support system that helps me sort through the lies when I start gaslighting myself. I’m hopeful for the future though ❤️

[@minju3492]

Hope you can stay strong 💪 don’t go back to them

[@Moonpie657]

A narcissist will tell you it’s your fault you have cancer everything is your fault ! The narcissist is always correct they are perfect and everyone else has a problem but them !

[@michelealoia1320]

I've broken up with my narcissistic boyfriend last week. I'd been with him almost 15 years off and on. I have zero feelings towards him and feel so relieved that he's got no power over me anymore.

[@jasonantigua6825]

Hope you’re doing well Michelle

[@emmarae4322]

Good for you, stay strong.

[@hapidayz2929]

Great job well done 🙏 try not to get bored,stay as busy as U can FOCUS ON YOU!! TIME TO LOOK AFTER YOU!! TIME TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!! Sending you blessings 🙏

[@loralieisa]

Work on making yourself happy. Stay busy with enjoyable activities, and go no contact with Mr. Narcissistic.

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

go NO CONTACT!! DONT believe any make up remarks by him. block him, move away...

[@exx6312]

My ex would pretend his insults were just nothing but good natured ribbing even when I would say they hurt - cue the gaslighting - I am just teasing. You are too sensitive which in turn got me to be self deprecating. But it was never ever mutual.

[@LB-dv8db]

It couldn’t be mutual, because if they are on the receiving end of the “ good natured ribbing” they explode.

[@usernameluis305]

@Douglas Farshtey yup. They would get so upset if you insulted any little thing they enjoy, yet they cant understand why you have a problem with it

[@zecare]

If you tell someone you are hurting by their words and actions and they say you’re sensitive. It’s a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[@btrixlestrange6432]

Just got out of a 6 month thing with a narc. I'm realizing now he insulted me often but would disguise it as a joke. It started to feel normal after a while. Very glad i got out. 🙏🏻

[@tallgirlhappyme]

⏩ I always got insults wrapped in "you just can't take a joke." Boy, you are correct about insults being the narcissist's love language. He still does it to our children almost daily, and it absolutely kills me. My (now ex) husband was all about the "fun jabs," but it couldn't EVER be reciprocated. There was hell to pay if any "fun jabs" were pointed his way. Ugh! So over it.

[@abstract3213]

Typical. They can get offended even when you say smth neutral, but if you are offended by their toxic insults and put downs, you are just "too sensitive" and "there is smth wrong with u". Disgusting creatures. Yuck.

[@kdphotos4691]

You need to sit your kids down and explain to them that what their father is doing is NOT ok. There is a risk that they will grow up to repeat the cycle if you don't.

[@jaifyre702]

Ohh I hate the well I just won't joke with you anymore. So Everytime I get a chance to clown I take it. He ask me how his hair look I'll be super honest. But I've always been. I just don't like hurting people so when I see hurt I immediately stop. I'm not insensitive. How are they so extremely sensitive? That baffles me.

[@songsofsofia]

Very well spoken! Never let the narcissist tell you who you are.

[@satan4hire]

She never said that lmao

[@ALofiLife]

Letting go of my insane narc grandparents was the best decision I have ever made. I was in denial so long though. After just a few days of being on my own and away from them, I felt AMAZINGLY BETTER. The pain/sadness from trauma is part of the healing process. And remember this... you would NEVER feel like shit around someone who has you at best interest.

[@diamonddust9889]

I’ve been surrounded by narcissists my whole life

[@annekerotterdam7499]

me too

[@TheRealDeal130]

​@@annekerotterdam7499Me three. I also learnt that the term 'empath' is misleading; the right term is codependent. Chronic trauma caused us to be that way; it's not normal or healthy. You can polite or civil, not 'nice'. Be nice to YOU!

[@tinyshinyyyy]

Same and I think we all need to work on our boundaries!

[@tims9434]

Thanks Dr Ramani. The same goes for people who give you the silent treatment when they know it hurts your feelings. It's hurting your feelings which normal people don't like to do to someone they care about.

[@lovewhitey2027]

Power trip its disgusting 🤮

[@mnikaluza4]

But isn’t going grey rock. giving someone the silent treatment????

[@abstract3213]

@@mnikaluza4 no, silent treatment is when you want to force communication by being silent (maybe you want to make your partner to apologize etc). It's controlling. Grey rocking is truly not wanting communication and avoiding it without any other intention than to protect yourself.

[@mnikaluza4]

@@abstract3213 thank you for clarifying

[@edgreen8140]

Dr. Ramani there be an award for the most clearifying content. Insults should be ignored. They usually go for a persons character and say its terrible. If not physically aggressive the narcissistic person should be ignored. Ginger ale funny. The cure for what ails you. I wonder can you do a video on changing your attachment style. The envy of the narcisist causes the narc to assume they deserve the character or item you own. My hope for those of you reading this is more self care. The narc distracts us so much from caring for ourselves and will insult you. I have found the "observe don't absorb" technique by ross Rosenberg on you tube to be very helpful. It helps you not to personalize the garbage coming out of the narcs mouth. You detach and observe like watching a science experiment. It stops reactive abuse which occurs after you stand up for yourself. All of the narcs previous statements are gone into the atmosphere like those terrible statements were never said. And suddenly they are the victim of you standing up for yourself. You have an imaginary clipboard w columns labeled gaslighting, cutting me down,rewriting history and you put a check it that column as it occurs. You don't defend yourself. Because you know that's a tactic to change the topic to your faults they don't wish to discuss their faults.

[@20sandi12]

oh my gosh, Ed - you so NAILED it. "suddenly they are the victim of you standing up for yourself". I have been allowing myself to be absorbed by him - and then apologizing for hurting HIS feelings when I merely stick up for myself. And then he grows stronger. I am going over to Ross Rosenberg podcast right now. Thank you.

[@paulad.4578]

Dr. Rahmini's comment about ginger ale being a cure-all made me think of the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," where she had a relative who thought Windex was a cure-all and would break down all words into Greek linguistic roots. 😆 It's very cute.

[@maryperry1773]

I had an imaginary clipboard in my head too. The columns were: Complaining, Accusing, and Demanding. While hearing his endless negative ranting, I would put each statement in one of the columns. Helped me get through the hours and stay sane.

[@edgreen8140]

@@maryperry1773 good keep it up!

[@Blando7887]

I never understood what narcissism was until I was 37 years old. I had heard the word but did not know what it was. Im 45 now, and been trapped in a toxic marriage since 2007. Literally everything Ive heard is so spot on accurate its scary

[@kimberlybecker9560]

A peace of validation just washed over me. The insults and the name calling. And then the gaslighting my confusion. You just cleared away more chaos, Dr. Ramani!! I have been doing so much emotional cleanup lately and your words today were just what I needed to hear today. Feels peaceful thinking on this now. Feeling the feelings and then shining the light of knowledge on them at the same time is like being set free from pain. It’s easier to let go of that pain when I see it for the truth of what it actually is. My mantra lately is “these experiences happened to me, not because of me”…and it helps me regain my self-worth.

[@cherylsibson2529]

They just don't hurt the ones they love, they hurt themselves before others over again and over again, sometimes for a lifetime until they are gone. There are ways to help yourself, keep walking, keep talking about the good parts of your life no matter what they don't like about you, you have to live with yourself.

[@trapper3251]

It never ceases to amaze me how watching videos like this and talking to other survivors of narcissistic abusers feel like a biography written by someone I've never met. I noticed a lot of subtle digs/put downs from my partner when I was in the relationship and didn't think anything of them at the time. After doing some research, they were in fact passive aggressive manipulations that, along with numerous other little things, always kept me off balance and uncertain to varying degrees. For a long time I just felt like I got completely pantsed and was stupid for ignoring so many red flags. The thing is these people are scheming and diabolical and are thinking about 10 steps ahead of you and punishing yourself for getting fooled is pointless and only adds to the pain. For me, working through the grieving process, getting into therapy, understanding the person I was dealing with is broken, leaning on my support network and sharing my story with others has really helped.

[@theresacane8784]

This was one of the worst partsof my relationship with my ex. He’d say these rude, judgmental things with scorn, but they were always plausibly deniable as “just joking” or “not knowing it was a sore spot.” He poked fun at my grad school dreams, he poked fun at my chronic illness then “woopsied” afterwards saying “ I’m learning that’s a sore spot” (we’d been together 9 months, he knew), he poked fun at my family traditions, my food choices, what I wore, and my grammar. When I told my father, who was very narcissistic growing up, (though has improved bc I don’t think it was a personality disorder)…HE even said, “that’s the type of thing an abusive person would say to trap someone in a relationship by demeaning them… I do NOT like that.” The last joke my ex was able to sneak in was a RAPE joke. Yup, that’s right… a rape joke. I said something about being afraid walking alone at night and possibly getting raped and he verbatim said “it wouldn’t be rape bc you’d enjoy it.” He even knew it was a stupid thing to say and tried to backpedal “I take that back I’m sorry…” or some shit. Yeah, no. Lol and when I broke up with him, my ex made a POINT to say all his exes took his “teasing” in stride and weren’t offended. I bet. I’m surprised that you’re not with them, still…seeing as they handled it so well!

[@nahbirdie4773]

I really hope you said that last sentence to him tooooo

[@japanjuliet1649]

There’s no backpedaling in any demeaning jokes 😔

[@theresacane8784]

@@japanjuliet1649 💯

[@Dan_Chiron]

There are quite sneaky ways to insult, and now I watched your video I kinda "magically" understood what happened to me. My partner used to diminish me, but I didn't understand how (until now), so I gaslighted myself into believing my "hypersensitivity" was the problem for a very long time. What did they did? They used to tell me they "already knew everything" about life (major age difference here), and gave me the condescending look every time I spoke about something I found interesting. What they were implying was that no matter what I did, I'd never be able to match them, nor I ever would be able to impress them. Wow, what a beautiful person, right?

[@ElizaKate13]

It’s crazy how sneaky and covert the insults can be. Just little comments or sideways glances

[@keithduffield5239]

Oh my gosh - thank you. At the age of 66 and deeply unhappy, i never realised how far down the rabbit hole I was. I have been suffering badly with the Control, Criticize, Complain, Contempt.

[@sarahstanczewski1569]

I was absolutely floored when Dr. Ramani stated that insults are the love language of narcissists. My ex and his family talked in insults only and if I ever called out the behavior or mentioned that what they said was rude or hurtful, I was torn apart and told that I was being too sensitive or not able to take a joke. Later, my ex would yell and chastise me for my behavior. He constantly told me that there was something wrong with me. He always wanted to know why I was always so negative and couldn't see or hear the love coming from his amazing family. Looking back, it's amazing I didn't lose my mind living in that culture.

[@msr1116]

Oh God, I had toxic psychos for in- laws too, who--along with my former husband--were nutjobs I nicknamed The Gang of Four. I thank my lucky stars for the good upbringing I had, despite some problems caused by three generations living under one roof.

[@rue258]

Exctaly what my in laws would say that I cnt take a joke after he had beat me up. Got married last year and left after 3 months of marriage. In that moment I made a decision that I cnt be in a toxic marriage.

[@msr1116]

One of my ex brothers in law once said they were a "loving, caring family" ! I thought: In what world??? I then wrote him off as a delusional loon addicted to food, weed and habitually telling lies. Good golly, there are some pathetically messed up people out there holding onto anything to protect their family's image.

[@meebdn]

@@rue258 good on you for getting out of that situation quickly.

[@mayanightstar]

"Good natured jabs and banter shouldn't hurt" This makes sense but somehow I hadn't internalized this until now. This really reframes a lot of stuff I put up with as a kid (not to mention what I ALREADY KNEW was abusive before now)

[@t_c5266]

it should hurt. Its a nice way to deliver you info you'd combat otherwise. You should heed it and be a better person

[@mayanightstar]

@@t_c5266 OK First of all that's not even what this video is about, it's about jabs and banter that are supposed to be good natured but when delivered by toxic people they come off like bullying. And second of all my comment is about how I grew up under abusive bullying behavior, why do you think you're helping by coming in here and trying to gaslight me that what I grew up with was just "trying to make me a better person." If it really did that I wouldn't be spending the rest of my life in therapy recovering from the absolute obliteration of my self esteem -_-

[@t_c5266]

@@mayanightstar or maybe change yourself for the better so you know you don't have to worry about your self esteem.

[@mayanightstar]

@@t_c5266 lmao victim blaming alert. The one here with the most personality flaws is definitely you, my goodness.

[@cam-lee]

@@t_c5266 please see a professional and stop replying to people’s comments

[@why55555]

Heard all your samples of insults before. Many times. I thought I had reached a level of understanding of handling Narcissists in the workplace & dating field so I brought a manipulative narcissist type crime victim Foster Son teen into my home. I like to dive deep into such education, lol. Now decades later, he's working on dividing my family from me with his moves to look good when he rolls down to visit. My family is unable to see Narcissist manipulators actions so it's bizarre to watch. I raised the kind of loving sons who defend underdogs & are the perfect patsy that are easily used as flying monkees for flashy con artists they think of as fun friends. Sometimes it looks like the whole Earth is now getting one big giant primer in seeing how we're easily used by manipulative controllers in our trusting innocence. I would say we are overdue for this lesson. TY so much for your gift of sharing your knowledge & therapeutic experience with us. You help me find balance in my current isolation in an uncomfortable temporary living situation with relative with Narcissist habits. Bless you, friend. You're a big part of helping us in this Consciousness Shift we are currentiy experiencing.🙏💔🥰

[@why55555]

@Douglas Farshtey Classic idiot move to become Foster Mom to Serial Killer victim's son you work with in a Dept of Juvenile Justice facility. I was very naive & unaware of Predator moves for most of my life. I hope my actions had nothing to do with so many relatives deaths afterwards, including my CIA Minister Exhubby. IDK. I learned a lot, as recovering Codependent Caretaker type, but enforcing boundaries is a lesson that just keeps coming till I get better at it, it seems. 🤔

[@lovewhitey2027]

You want to study 📚 and connect the dots study spiritual biblical deliverance from generational curses( foster kid also) soul ties Jezebel spirits on & on It will all Finally make sense took me 50 years to piece the chaos together Family, jobs friends partners U can heal ....

[@why55555]

@@lovewhitey2027 Occurring now

[@dsrpilot]

The insults are the worst part. They can definately change your personality and outlook over time. "Contempt is the death of a relationship. " truer words were never spoken.

[@ginagem985]

Learning so much from your channel. My in law is a narc and with every visit or time we spend together I lose track of how many insults, back handed compliments, or how many times she uses a condescending tone when addressing me. I will never forget the time my now husband, her son, called her to tell her he had received a full ride scholarship to a university. Her reaction was so heartbreaking. It was hard to watch my then boyfriends eyes go from excitement to shame. “You?!? You did that? Hmmm” she did not congratulate her son instead lead him to believe that it must be easy for anyone to do it. Mind you he started at a junior college where he joined an honor society, became officer of the honor society and got selected for a full ride scholarship for his continued education at university level. Not to mention it was hell. She made sure there was never a peaceful home for him to focus. It’s so sad to see the resulting damages this does to anyone. I now feel incredibly guilty for constantly telling him “you only get one mom” when he would try to go no contact during our college years. For several years I thought of myself as the peace maker between the two of them all while getting backlash from both ends. I was young and naive. These days I respect my husbands wishes.. of course this comes after we had her come to our destination wedding and she gave us silent treatment during an hour car drive! She kept changing her mind on going because when the surprise was out that the trip was actually going to be our wedding ceremony she threw a fit. She said, and I quote, “I just feel like you ruined the whole trip”….With our WEDDING? We then offered to pay all of her expenses for the inconvenience and she still said no, then yes, then no and yes again.

[@erikaabdelazim544]

Had insulted my brother first and then insulted my mom who recently passed away. That was the last straw. You can insult me, but when you mess with my family, it is a whole other level. When I called him on it, he actually told me that he wanted me to feel as bad as how he was feeling. Once I heard that, I knew our relationship could not be salvaged.

[@marlysjcollins8775]

I do feel the little playful jabs and insignificant insults that are constant, daily, repeated disapproval are a means of control.

[@stephaniemac7635]

I’ve listened to insults from my mum for my whole life. Sometimes I walk into her house after maybe a week or two of not seeing her. The first thing she will say is “I see you aren’t dieting”. I had an ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t tell her until three months later. The first and only thing she said to me was “you bring these things on yourself Stephanie”. There are thousands of things she has said or texted in her 10 paragraph texts at me which hurt me and trigger my depression so badly. You all might think I’m nuts or stupid for saying this, but I’m still trying to work out if my mum is a Narcisist. I am such an awful judge of character but I think she might be

[@tqmnini]

Whether she is a narc or not, just know her comments and abusive behaviors are a reflection of her, not of you. You're not responsible for her actions nor her feelings.

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

heres a big CLUE: HOW do you FEEL before you go into her presence? HOW do you FEEL after you have LEFT her presence? BADLY? terrible? then AVOID HER!!!

[@stephaniemac7635]

@@Lauren-vd4qe horrendous.i sweat, get palpitations in my heart and just worry knowing it’s going to be an awful visit.if I keep away then I’m accused of being a bad daughter. I’m really struggling badly right now

[@stephaniemac7635]

@@isaT I don’t but I’m trapped, it’s my mother and my dad has dementia so if I don’t put up with her abuse I don’t get told what’s going on with his health etc. I can’t win no matter what I do and I’m so drained in all aspects I honestly wish to jump off a big big bridge, I’m just not coping with any of it x

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

@@stephaniemac7635 well then isnt THAT evidence ENOUGH that shes a NARC? that this relationship is BAD for your mental health? STOP going there; STOP calling her; STOP TAKING her calls etc!!! move away !!

[@johnbockmann]

1:40 Healthy relationships generally do not involve insults: "You're the worst present-wrapper" "I can't believe I have to be seen with you" "You're a horrible provider"--these are different from good-natured ribbing. Insults are intended to harm. There is devaluation of you as a person--perhaps name-calling, obscenities, and other abuse. Behind these are *contempt.* 3:04 *Insults are the love language of the narcissist.* Insults reveal how narcissists feel toward the people they need. Insults limit intimacy and vulnerability. They also allow narcissists to maintain control, power, dominance. 4:36 They may try to soft-pedal: "We only hurt the ones we love." No! Or someone caught in these relationships may say, "That's just us being comfortable. In a relationship, you should be able to say anything." Not so sure about that. 4:54 During a lifetime of hearing these insults, they will seep into our heads, become a part of our emotional DNA, so to speak, and transform us. We may even shape our identity around them. People with narcissistic parents will say that a lifetime of hearing insults set them up to choose narcissistic partners, or stay in jobs in which insults and abuse are part of the workplace culture. 5:40 Healthy relationships have light-hearted jokes with the built-in knowledge that we love these people; we keep them safe, regardless of their foibles--flatulance, weird preferences, snoring. If told that a joke hurt their feelings, the joke-teller would stop immediately. 6:20 Insults are more than words; they also include tone, body language, frequent use of obscenities, and going after vulnerabilities--weight, appearance, etc. When someone does these things and then tries to soft-pedal them, to play them off, to blame the recipient for taking things too hard, that's gaslighting. 6:53 Contempt is the death of a relationship [see John Gottman's "Four Horsemen" that spell the end of relationship--criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling]. If you feel you have to stay in a relationship characterized by insults, don't rationalize those insults. Say, "I'm in a relationship with this person, and they regularly insult me." [this honesty allows you to maintain contact with reality]

[@sthori01]

This literally was shouted at me two hours ago. It involved rain and my husband wanting me to lay a tarp down to protect something. But I knew the rain was ending in minutes because I was monitoring the radar. And besides, “he can lay the tarp down if he’s that worried.” After much yelling (that ignored) he made a stand and screamed, “Get the tarp , get the tarp, GET THE TARP BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!!!” So bad. But so funny. Of course I burst into peels of laughter which only further enraged him…which then prompted the ever-popular show closer: “Everyone hates you!!” Followed by a dramatic exit and door slam. Wish I’d have filmed it. It was sick.

[@ruthlessruth4197]

Okay, but are you still there? Or you've left the relationship?

[@SPCH0]

2023: Hoping you will figure how to recover & how to be independent & free from anyone!.. Keep your Spirit up! 🗽- But be aware that you might have to know when & how to leave safely!... Take Care of yourself - Get the right Support with the right people!... - Keep Luck & Good Care of Yourself... ( Remember: Laughing is worthy for a very short time! ) - It might be more 'dramatic' sooner than you think!..

[@c.eb.1216]

I heard a mother say this to her two year old at a Panera once, among other abusive things, and I still feel awful thinking about it. She was dressed like a respectable career woman, so the poor kid is probably still getting abused by her. The kid was being normal kid noisy. I was studying there, but I hadn't even looked up from my book (except to glance when she went off) or felt irritated. I just couldn't believe it. A two year old! 😭

[@sarahs.9678]

I have a two year old and can’t imagine anyone, much less myself, saying that to them. How insane!

[@LokelaniRiel]

This was an amazing talk! It also helped me see how I should talk to others. Insults are not in healthy relationships! This is such an educational and caring video to help people who deal with narcissists in their life.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

I finally came to this place- First I must respect someone for them to insult me. The list of whom I respect is quite short these days.. sad yet true.

[@zecare]

So true.

[@mydaughter2837]

Wow! My ex-husband and siblings, were famous for doing this to me. However, I never took it into my being, or so I thought. Listening to this made me remember. I now realize it did affect me, even though I thought it didn’t. Again, thank you Doc. Please keep the healing videos coming.

[@shellyruss3453]

I’m so grateful to find this KZbin.. the insults have been extremely difficult to heal from. It so painful hearing someone you love say such horrible things. I could only take it for two months and left, I couldn’t handle that along with the extreme control, secrets and lies. It’s good to read the comments as well. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and shocked with how far back this has set me.

[@WeAreOurBeloved]

Thank you so much for making me further understand the abusive relationship dynamic between my parents as well as the abuse they have done to me. What feels hurtful is hurtful. We don’t need to over analyze or over think to justify their abuse.

[@pete4693]

After having two of them in my life, I am totally confused by peoples behavior and don't know who to trust. I've been in therapy now for 15 years. It messed me up pretty bad.

[@cjmears568]

WOW light bulb moment! My eyes are now wide open. When I was in my early 20s I was in a narcissistic relationship which 20 years later still effects the way I think of myself... early on in the relationship I had a feeling that somthing wasn't right but was told that I was being stupid. Thank you for posting this video

[@joannepiasecka8449]

He said you made me believe you was something you wasn’t when I met you! He completely destroyed the day I met him 21 years ago🤬 A memory I once cherished....

[@ginnydoll0703]

Having never experienced or witnessed healthy relationships I can't say for certain, but I believe what makes the difference is a these supposed "jokes" by narcissists or those in dysfunctional relationships ARE INSULTS. Meant to cut you to your core. Intended to destroy you. Attacks your insecurities. ARE SAID with the desire TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. Healthy jesting is lovingly, or amusingly pointing out someone's uniqueness, or commonness. The goal is NOT to make the person feel bad about themselves over it. And as you mentioned Dr. Ramani a key difference is if you the target DOES FEEL BAD about what was the said, the person saying it does NOT CONTINUE saying it. They apologize. THEY FEEL BAD for making 'you' feel bad. They don't justify what they said. Or excuse it. They accept the responsibility for causing another pain. They do NOT accuse the one feeling bad by blaming it on them. Or accuse you of being "too sensitive."

[@roorooadventures4771]

Thank you dr Ramami. I followed your video on one of them. I'm free with my own independence finachaly. I would of never done this with out your educational videos. You are truly a blessing to me and many others. Thank you so much dr Ramami for all your help and support videos. Have a great day. 😀👍😉

[@q-bert4833]

My ex is a covert narcissist. He always played the “ I can’t do anything right” card and everyone else always came before the kids or me. 27 years of this and he made me think my opinions/emotions and feelings didn’t matter. All our friends & acquaintances think he’s such a great guy because of the show he puts on in front of them.

[@johnsuggs7828]

If he's so great, they can have him. You life is your life. Be happy in it. If someone comes along and wants to enjoy your life, the rule is they have to be happy in themselves and you. If they can't.....BYE

[@mindysmith3683]

26 yrs. Here , plus I get hit when I'm happy 😊. Like it's planned. He lies and says I ran my mouth, I'm happy when he hits me .

[@dellaella1143]

I've been seriously unwell and am not that old, (going through lots of tests), so I'm not allowed to drive, and my narcissist has been having to drive me to appointments etc. I am unsure of my future if I can work, is life going to be the same again, will i have enough money, will I ever feel healthy, can I afford to live in my house, will I lose everything, and my narc says when they've driven me from a dr appointment, "oh is it nice being a little princess?" Just because I'm getting lifts and needing extra help! Oh yeh being sick is just like being a Princess. Unbelievable! Such mean, cold, heartless people.

[@Booboonancy]

I hope you are able to get answers to your health issues. It must be frightening. Yes narcissists are just so petty and nasty. It’s way beyond insensitivity, it’s calculated cruelty. Take care.

[@i.g.l.z.9215]

Pardon me if this is off topic; when it comes to healing, have you heard of "the Medical Medium" Anthony William? My health returned through the principles he teaches. Bless you in your healing journey and in getting surrounded by supportive people!

[@BusyMagnaBee]

I am so grateful to you (and another doctor) for enlightening me about how narcissists treat you. I recently discontinued communication with my mother’s son (we both come from the same gene pool, but I will NOT refer to him as my brother again). I had maintained contact with him for my mother’s sake. No more. I will never allow him to sling his psychological daggers again. I am FREE.

[@michaelwatkins4124]

Thank you. That it’s a shared experience makes it a little easier.

[@adrianamaclennan7832]

It’s also the tiny digs. Like for the first time at age 48 I did some gardening. My mother then proceeded to talk about all the gardening she did and that “eventually I will get better”. Totally overlooked what I did

[@jakkimanzitti5031]

Talking to them about anything turns into an interrogation. You have to defend and prove yourself with any communication with them.

[@carolsquire2202]

Dr. Ramani-please address the use of sarcasm by narcissists.

[@moniquejackson7741]

"Leave the relationship, or stay in it, but just don't justify it." Lately I've been seeing a lot of people in support groups who want to stay in a relationship with a Narc, not because they have to for the reasons we're familiar with, but because they still believe the Narc will change with enough attention. It's almost a militant pushback to make Narcissism acceptable. It is so hard sometimes for survivors to see how dehumanizing Narc behavior is.

[@lovewhitey2027]

Covert narcissist Jezebel loveee these websites ✍🏻I had to get off 2 forums because they infiltrated and have same story years later Take from Truuuuu warriors who are excelling & growing

[@lovewhitey2027]

@Douglas Farshtey Why?? Start healing why u allow this

[@lovewhitey2027]

@Douglas Farshtey no it was understandable 🗣Just save yourself in meantime

[@mothballs]

The Narc will not change ever..

[@marinanaumkina2637]

My partner started to insult me almost from the beginning of our relationship, those insults were veiled, nothing that could harm my self-esteem, but naturally it was unpleasant to hear something like that from someone you love. I thought it was because he had mood swings, he was very insecure, and I tried to sympathize with him and brush those words off. And he was saying all the time: "I'm just teasing you, baby", then he started saying: "It turns me on to see you angry" (not upset, although he knew it was upsetting me, but I tried not to show it, but his words were revealing in a sence I started to research and that's how I figured out he was a narcissist). Now he's telling me: "I just wanted to offend you, don't mind it". He is not trying anymore to hide his true nature! But he doesn't see anything wrong with that, he expects me to stay with him no matter what.

[@FirehorseG]

I had my awful ex make personal insults to me about my Autistic son, about his hair, his personality, how he was surprised he'd achieved 4 A levels as 'better men than my son hadn't been able to' . An ex friend was insulting about my personal money situation. She was envious that I didn't need to work and deemed herself better than me and more deserving of my lifestyle, lol! Both were cut off immediately. Who needs enemies eh?

[@indridcold8433]

I was the sucker that played host to a parasitic narcissist. Since I do not know how to detect the difference between a person that genuinely wants an amicable or amorous relationship and someone looking for their next victim to take all they can from their unwitting host, I just chose to avoid everyone. I will never fall victim to a narcissist again, even if it means I never have friends again.

[@deenafahed2721]

Careful. People who grow up with narcissistic parents need good people around them to model behavior we were never taught as a child. Please, please don’t isolate yourself. I tend to cope by sorting people who view relationships transactionally (want to take from you) and people who don’t (want to interact with/grow with you). Take care of yourself please

[@SPCH0]

Don't be too hard on yourself... Sometimes, lack of experience & this for cause... Can make things happening this way - Call it Context & you can share it with 'trustworthy professionals'... (!) Dr. Ramani is very good in that sense - and maybe you can get professional references from her. You can also get to Serious & Reliable Organizations - Lawyers and/or other professionals; write down facts and share it with the appropriate people - on how much harm was done... etc. - You will rise again!... Manipulation is a tool many people use to get what they want... Narcissists & Sociopaths, etc. Anyone can get caught in a situation... We're all 'sucking' for something... Sometimes, for good!... Ignorance is not Stupidity nor lack of competence.. - Get appropriate help; you will get better!...

[@file13whereareyou]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You have been so generous with sharing of your time and knowledge. May God bless you.

[@beverlybarter8452]

Insults can also be be kind caring and saying complimentary things to others and never to you. But the narc does it infront of you. They wont compliment you on how you look, will tell a perfet stranger they look nice.

[@mindofthespirit1543]

I hate the insult hidden behind a joke It can be difficult to tell whether it is a ribbing. But I think it shows in their response to my dislike of it.

[@ocdmusic]

My mother is queen of the insults or as she calls it jokes!! Always making her "jokes" about how I don't go out (I have a lot of health problems and am in a lot of pain most of my life) and always "joking" with me about having a dishwasher despite the fact Ive repeatedly told her for years that I have a dishwasher so that I can actually manage to cook a meal for myself now and then and not having to do all the dishes by hand which is actually really painful for me and take a long time and a lot of my energy that I can be using to do something else. I am really limited in what I can manage because of my health problems which are genetic, my daughter has the same thing and a lot of issues too, my daughters actually never had a job and had to leave college twice and would also like to have children but has her health problems which seem to be preventing her and then theres the whole passing on the faulty genes and my mother makes off the cuff remarks about her having kids despite the fact that Ive told her numerous time that she might not be able to have kids. Believe it or not but my mother actually done care work for a few years too and she is still as ignorant as she ever was. All my mothers jokes are nothing more than thinly veiled insults and she knows exactly what she is doing, you can bet your arse that if you said anything like that to her she would lose her shit and has actually done it a few times over barely anything and not spoken to me for months because of it but everybody else is just expected to take it cause coming from her its just a "joke"

[@Abergavenny4Ever]

I've heard it all... The C word was the worst, some days he'll deny he ever said it & other days, he'll say he only said it because he was reacting to me. More recently, I've constantly been told I'm selfish, insecure, immature & arrogant. He often would say to shut up, shut the F up, F you... As I said... I've heard it all.

[@msimon6808]

As difficult as it is - we are mostly dealing with victims of child abuse. They live in pain until they give up the anger - the permanent solution. Or dump it on you - this week's solution.

[@julieeakins5338]

I really needed to hear this today , thank you 🙏🏼

[@johnlobdell3161]

I’m 68 years old dating a way younger narcissist who called me a “senile f” and other nasty names. I left her didn’t call or answer her calls after one week I caved and got back together. No longer a “senile f” anymore she then started calling me a “cheater” even though I never did . Uses my honest confessions against me . Constantly switches stories and calls me crazy . Anyone out there should know as they get older the narcissist only gets worse. She love bombed me to get me back she tries to destroy my confidence. Mean nasty and vile at age 29 . It’s sad I thought of her as a Diamond in the rough. These people will destroy your health - physical health ! No contact is the only way to get rid of these people. They cannot be saved by you!!

[@cookwithlynn8070]

You are so beautiful. thank you so much Dr. Ramani for this message. i have finally gotten to a point of making a tough yet a good decision ❤ thank you

[@albertastro3761]

I know someone who’s a narcissist, and have known them for over 15 years now. At first I was very hurt because of the words they chose and the information they’d use to trigger my emotions. As time’s passed I’ve come to understand that 1.) There’s no changing them, 2.) They need the negative charge to fuel them, 3.) Don’t give them any personal information, and 4) Don’t ever take the bait because there’s no rationalising with a narcissist. Number 4 is easier said than done, but practicing the strategy does limit the bull crap.

[@mindysmith3683]

You are correct. Mine beats me when I'm happy 😊

[@AWRose-kc4si]

OMG. Yes. My narc family insult constantly. One of the ways I finally got them to stop pursuing me and trying to interfere with my life was to respond to their insults with factual observations about them. Pointing out to them that they are manipulators, abusers, and worse, threw a wet blanket on them and they finally honored my wish to be contact-free.

[@alexhall8669]

Lucky you - logic never worked for me. In all seriousness though, glad you are out of it.

[@AWRose-kc4si]

@@alexhall8669 It wasn't really logic. It was just throwing shite back at them--factual observations about what bad people they are. They didn't like hearing it.

[@joysgirl]

As my narc father would say, "Birds only pick on the good fruit." 😕

[@zenam9072]

Yes I left finally. He has ego and always fighting out of the blue and calling me very bad names, he even cheated twice on me and I was stupid to let it go till one day I figured out I am drained and exhausted.

[@valerieduckworth6649]

I take such comfort in your videos Dr. They're like home.

[@flynnzilla8796]

Insults and contempt dont necessarily need to be spoken - they can come across in the physicality of the narcissist, in what they DONT say or do…

[@annekerotterdam7499]

true!

[@alexandra1o0]

I think the most disheartening part is that some people don’t realize that is not normal to insult your partner when they are angry. My sister for example when she was angry would always go for insults and vulnerability. It is like she can’t control how mean she is. And I have met people who is the same as her, but pretty much capable of being kind, but when angry they have no limits. Is that narcissistic? People who are capable of hurting people they love with their words and also being capable of kindness?

[@wesleyehowell]

I'm a "genius" who was always ahead in school. I am also neuro divergent. I quickly learned that when you are a genius, people LOVE proving you wrong. Especially when you are smarter than teachers. They REALLY love it. I have serious PTSD from people always pointing out when I DID make mistakes. After awhile I just didn't speak up anymore.

[@Hatbox948]

My ex narcissist wasn't the cream of the crop, but I loved him. Like a lot of foolish women, I thought I could change him. The jabs, cuts, insults, etc., started early in the relationship and I ignored them. But, eventually he got meaner and more hateful, even threatened me. To think that this average Joe considered himself superior to me or anyone else was comical. I couldn't really wrap my head around his behavior until I began watching these vids about narcissism. He had also been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, which he wore like a badge of honor. All the drama, stress, etc., has aged me, and I've had serious medical problems resulting from involvement with him.

[@lRel594]

My narc of seventeen years said the phrase used by you to describe her love toward me."Oh ,we only hurt the ones we love. The narc has never married ,even to you. There is no joining of a narc and empath in marriage . You cannot mix fat and water.There truely is a permanent rift in communication ,between narc and empathy.Let me explain .When the empath says something ,they know what they are saying, but the narc hears it as the narcissist hears, and interprets it. When the narc says something , they know what they are saying, but the empathy hears it as the empath hears and interprets it. Then the one says to the other, "You are doing the exact opposite to what you said you would do". And the other one says ." You are " ! No communication was made yet both are assured they made themselves quite clear. Get it now ! There can never be understanding of any vocal or for that matter physical between them. If the two have just made love , the empath goes to put their arm around the other,to draw them nearer,just to cuddle. In the narcissist mind they think.oh no they want to go at it again? And immediately the narc gets up and goes and makes themselves a cup of coffee. The empath is still laying there thinking ,what the hell just happened? The mental understanding and reaction to love is typical to the narcissist and to the empath ,separately and in accordance ,with just how the narcissist and and Empath think.The two seperate understandings of love are never to be recognised by the other ,except for their own version of love . Are you hearing me? Is it the empath or the narcissist who understands what I have just portrayed ,with my words ? So What am I? I will tell you. I am the male empath who also has true empathy towards the narcissist. I know I will carry the pains of the narcissist .Knowing that at their peak they can become a psychopath.One Who eventually finds the void at the end of their lives .I am the one who after love making , reaches who reaches my arm around my female empath while kissing her gently on the neck and ear whispering ," I love you so much ! My empath turning around to face and hold me kissing me on the mouth and wriggling closer to me. I have empathy for my mark who will get up and make herself a cup of tea and phone a girlfriend.She would never be able to understand what she had just missed ,even to old age.And I also have empathy for the empath who can hear what I just described ,and misses the touch of the empaths warmth. Not the narcs Chilling cold.

[@fokker34]

Went an hour out of my way on Easter to get flowers, my narcissist tells me when I get there, 'you bought the wrong flowers'. They weren't easter little, those were sold out, but they were beautiful Lillies none the less, but my effort and consideration were discarded and insult came with it, she rode that type of situation a lot, wanted me to be at her command, shuttle her kids, prep meals, walk the dog, I wasn't married to her, they weren't my kids, but she treated me like a lackey. I;m done.

[@GNDagatt]

My father used to treat me like this and now that my gf broke up with me and said very messed up things (she bottled up her negative feelings about things I've said and done and it bursted out now) I've been thinking... is it possible I'm actually hurting ppl without realizing it?! From my perspective I do not insult them, I usually encourage them to try things, defend themselves in situations and to communicate, but it seems like somehow I'm intimidating to my partners... I believe in democratic relationships, everybody can talk about anything and yet they don't. Of course we're both messed up in our own way, but I can't say that it is impossible I'm the bad guy here... which is not intentional and obviously I don't want anyone to stay silent... quite the opposite actually. Anyway, I'll seek help and pay attention because I don't want to treat my loved ones like garbage... nobody else actually.

[@cristinaavitia3996]

😢

[@Anonymous0996]

My sister was one of few that knew I had a serious eating disorder in my late teens. I was paying for therapy to treat it myself, so I didn’t have much money left over for anything else. One day, my sister wanted to go to Disneyworld and share a hotel bc she couldn’t afford it herself. I told her I couldn’t bc i didn’t have money. She lashed out and told me I’d have money if I didn’t go to therapy and that the eating disorder was my fault. I never knew this was a trait of narcissists.

[@thebookdoc.writing.and.editing]

I just listened to this again. I was married to a narcissist for so long. I remember the last conversations we had. On Christmas eve I did what I had done for about 17 years. I cooked ciopeno for her whole family so they could enjoy their time together. Then when I came up from the kitchen in the basement, she started insulting me (not for the cooking) 15 days later I had a brief meeting with a lawyer, and I served her. I got a tattoo. I waited to be dismissed from my house by a judge. I travewled the world for a year. Then I got in another relationship with the same type. it is only 10 years later that I realized what shit I let happen. And late in my life I found a kind and wonderful person. All I can say is that without the terrible people, I would never have found this one. But why do people want to be terrible?

[@nicholasjordan478]

To a narcissist you can never have any issues with them. They take any criticism as an insult then tell you you're the problem

[@goesfarfliesnear1447]

I see you've met my mother. And sister. I thought I was adopted for awhile but we look too much alike. I am, however, the smart one. 😆

[@lappesjl1]

Any criticism I gave mine was responded to by a rage response.

[@Sewa4Me1]

This is 💯 legit

[@redclarinetist2913]

This so much

[@znowicotton5176]

Yes!!!

[@AuntieKathiesRescueTails]

When they're insulting you they are self projecting their own inadequacies to control and keep you down. Keep calm and escape

[@kconnolly6763]

Great reminder. Thank you.

[@ExoticalT369]

…This.

[@aishahussein2072]

Couldn’t agree more 💯

[@Linda2]

@@kconnolly6763 Yes indeed.

[@dmiller1101]

This is true. My narcissist used to tell me I was worthless for years finally I got tired of hearing it and kicked him out of the house he then started telling Me I should kill myself. One month later he killed hisself left a suicide note saying he was worthless....very sad

[@shaunatyler5903]

After being constantly gaslit and insulted, I feel like I will never know how to have a healthy relationship again. I don't trust people and I am super isolated.

[@dolores2716]

Give yourself time to heal. As they say, it's better to be alone than to wish you were.

[@LewsTherin100]

Go easy and forgive yourself- the rest will come with time. Godspeed to you

[@runerider11]

Shauna, you hit the nail on the head.. im not only leary of relaxing now, it's affected every aspect of my life and everyone meet... i wear the hurt and anger like a heavy coat..

[@Wen00.4]

Shauna, I've been there and I'm still not in a relationship after 3 years now. What really helped me is talking to a psychologist about it. You deserve real love in your life, don't let someone else ruin it for you. Keep it up warrior 🕴️

[@lisafiedler4513]

Omgoodness…me too! I’m actually afraid that I will NEVER be able to trust anyone, ever again. Therefore, little chance of finding….or even looking…for another relationship. I believe everyone has an angle. Their kindness, etc could not possibly be real. Nobody would want me, or love me for me. I’m sooo damaged after so many years of abuse. I honestly believe that I’m damaged beyond repair. 😢

[@janedoe5229]

"Insults are the love language of the narcissist". Wow. SO TRUE.

[@dominiquevalencia6146]

It's so warped that it's kinda hilarious😆

[@BLIQUEMIST26]

Tell you horrible things then want your body

[@LightLivingEst80]

@@BLIQUEMIST26 unless it's your mom and then perhaps it's emotional incest

[@autumnhomer9786]

@@BLIQUEMIST26 🎀This! 👆. 🎀

[@princessirulancorrino4695]

I swear his insults were the most horrific insults I’ve received in my life. One of the worst was when he abandoned me out of the blue, after doing everything for him. He said: “In your next relationship do better. And I mean work hard because you need to put a lot fo effort in order to be valued by someone…”

[@kimmanning2913]

"Healthy relationships do not involve insults."

[@Sarachouska]

Healthy relationships do not have hurts or mistakes that leads to insults

[@thedativecase9733]

Weirdly though, friends of mine who have successful, long time marriages insult each other all the time - it's done in a jokey wat, but I would find it jarring if it was done to me.

[@dawidmarkowicz4171]

​@@Sarachouska Actually healthy relationships do have hurts and mistakes, because that's the inevitability of every relationship. However, they lead to understanding own mistakes and a willing to make things better, not insults and that's why they are called healthy. What you have just described is an utopian relationship.

[@lbmartinet]

When a narcissist insults you and you say “hey wtf?!” they say oh you’re too sensitive or get over it or I was just kidding. A friend says “I’m sorry”

[@ncr4007]

So true ! This is how every conversation with my Mom went this last year. Only one “I’m sorry.” Only because she knows she would never heard from me again.

[@tiggywinkle5630]

Yes I used to get 'oh I was just joking'...to me jokes are supposed to be funny.

[@teenychristinee]

And call you crazy for having emotionas

[@traci7375]

My husband does this a lot :-(

[@ker240]

I always get “you’re too sensitive,” but then days later he says the same thing or something even worse. Always tells me to shut up if I’m expressing my frustration because he doesn’t want to hear it and when he does something REALLY bad and makes me cry and really upset, he turns it around and tells me I have issues OR he starts acting like he’s upset and tries to make me feel bad for him. I was out of town after COVID visiting my family after 3 years across the planet and he brought a random woman into OUR apartment. When I called him on it he did what I said above. I’ve tried to get over it. He proposed 5 months later but in my gut I’m still so damn angry. And any time something happens my mind goes back to that. If I ever bring it up and how much he hurt me he says “when are you going to get over that? It was nothing.” So here I am. Living across the world with someone I don’t feel emotionally safe with but I can’t leave just yet since he owes me a ton of money. This comes after my ex who was abusive on all levels. Sending everyone out there who has dealt with trauma and emotional abuse, a HUGE hug. You’re not alone!

[@nimmieamee1988]

I also find that a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is narcissistically insulting you or, as they might claim, “just kidding around,” is: how would THEY react if the shoe was on the other foot? Because narcissists always demand immediate forgiveness for their contemptuous treatment of you. But when you say something that even mildly hits an insecurity of theirs, they will be EXTREMELY quick to take offense and hold it against you, with no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness, almost seeming to enjoy the victim status it gives them. These are very thin-skinned people, who simultaneously want you to be extremely thick-skinned.

[@stillaworkinprogress2147]

You nailed it! I walked on eggs around my narc relative and was undermined in a very subtle way for years. I would never dare speak to or about this relative the way they spoke to/about me. I never, ever felt I could safely stick up for myself and when I learned how this narc relative talked about me behind my back to friends and relatives, I was saddened but not, in the end, really surprised as I finally understood that this relative would never, ever actually like me, much less love me.

[@mwxyz828]

Precisely!!! Exactly this!

[@yukio_saito]

It's interesting. In Japanese, shameless people are said as "厚顔” (thick-skinned face).

[@ruthann8442]

@@stillaworkinprogress2147 I'd give this comment 100 thumbs up if I could!

[@dellaella1143]

So true, I know someone who loves throwing the insults and says I'm being too sensitive, but if I say it back to them and ask if they like it, you should see the look on their face!!

[@kmarch6630]

Yep. I'm lazy, I'm fat, I don't know how to dress, I'm not smart, I'm not sane. Its funny that nobody else describes me that way.

[@justred5164]

Same thing here. This went for years with my narcissistic boyfriend. He was the only person ever to say hurtful things like. But when I’m out and about or at work it was exactly the opposite. The funny thing was the before we entered into the relationship he was one of the ones that complimented daily and went out of his way to do so. But shortly after we began dating he became a monster!!! Insulting me and berating me for no reason at all. But I noticed that all insults and berating was about his own insecurities. He was referring to himself but used it on me to torture me because he was tormented in his head.

[@justred5164]

@@jacquelynhaas8184 you better believe he’s lying!!!! It’s a trap to keep you in a state of despair!! All because of his own self hate!

[@colywogable]

Exactly. The narc is the ONLY one that apparently sees all these terrible qualities in you.

[@Musicandlyrics2400]

Lol I was lazy and messy despite working 2 jobs 7 days a week, a bitch, have too many problems and nobody wants to deal with my nonsense, need to get over myself, selfish, greedy, fat, and just a terrible person overall 😂

[@justred5164]

@@Musicandlyrics2400 wow! It’s insane! What miserable people living in there head!

[@karlataylor1172]

What baffles me is how quickly he would turn from someone who was calling me beautiful, amazing and loved to calling me crazy,whore and bitch. Sometimes less than 24 hours. I decided to get off the crazy train a while ago but having trouble totally letting go. I think I've just been totally traumatized by the entire experience.

[@i.g.l.z.9215]

Wish you all it takes to get rid of the manipulations and be free, blessings!

[@heyla8401]

I was called whore, bitch and c*nt by my ex constantly. I finally got sick of it. I looked at him and said " Well, if I'm a whore, bitch and c*nt, why are you with me!!??". He was stunned. I made him think. Unfortunately he raged at me. I just stood there and smirked. He was completely freaked out. I packed my stuff and left the next day. Of course he raged at/over me when I was packing some last things. He shoved me HARD. I shoved him back. I told him that whatever he does to me physically I would do right back.

[@dj_bae]

I experienced the same thing with a narcissist. We could go from exchanging Christmas presents to him screaming at me about what a “whore” I was in a matter of a couple of hours. It was terrifying.

[@mellyo7262]

Karla… you deserve better, you deserve to be called beautiful and amazing but without being called all the awful unhealthy names… don’t look back…

[@Eyeluv2d]

I am so traumatized by the word whore because of my abusive ex. He must have called me a whore almost daily

[@LewsTherin100]

Coffee and Dr. Ramani..............how I start my day

[@dionnedeniseeveryday]

❤I love this! This is how I spend early Sunday's also Coffee with the Doc ❤ Happy Sunday MV Agrippa

[@Loosesapphire5135]

Truly

[@gremlin4606]

Yes🥰

[@gertrudewest4535]

...with unsweetened almond milk, sitting in my beautiful garden with at least three of my children (beloved pet hens) snuggled in my arms. Wild bird friends all around! What better way to arm myself for the abusive workplace (all male narc crew), than love, beauty and a dose of Dr. Ramani.

[@katk925]

Same here!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[@Stepha0323]

My ex was unbelievably ruthless when it came to the insults. He knew my insecurities and just tore into over and over. My weight, how I dressed, my hair, how I did my make-up, even my vehicle, and the color of my nail polish, he hated everything about me. He would tell me I’m lucky to be with him because he could have his choice of any thin, gorgeous, independent, well educated women he wanted but yet he chose to “slum” with me and I should be grateful for someone as talented and successful as him.🙄 I put up with him for far too long. Enough was enough. Ended the relationship and went no contact. Never been happier. The peace I’ve experienced after being in a relationship with a narcissist is priceless.

[@lynerichard5306]

This is my ex-husband. But he alternated these insults with days of putting me on a pedestal for my intelligence and my looks. He was always comparing me with other women and telling me I should dress and act like so and so.

[@annsam2111]

You did well. I cringed reading your comment. Stay no contact 🙂

[@LevonAllen13]

Trust- he’s much happier!!!

[@BM-tx2ph]

Im so sorry you had to go through thar..I can feel your pain through the screen

[@user-xc5bz3np4g]

That whole put you on a pedestal and then knocking you down! I realized why he had me suspicious and jealous of other women- he was trying to separate me from anyone willing to listen and help. “You’re not like all those dumb --‘s! You x y z!” Absolute red flag.

[@jessicat2519]

It is difficult because when you ask them to stop being so critical/ saying unfriendly things, sneer, a conflict starts and then you receive the blame for the conflict.

[@OldSchoolBaller]

My ex narcissistic GF can whatever she wants but if I give her example on her, she goes ape shit. She says, "There you go again. You always have to get me back." I'm like what? I'm just giving you an example on how irrational and hypocritical you are...

[@colleendavidson1820]

And the " I'm just kidding " doesn't work after the 50th time, get away ASAP.

[@Minisynapse]

I was critical of them, for a good reason. Being critical of someone sounds wrong to many, it sounds like I'm being hurtful. No. If you punch my friend, I will be "critical" of your behavior and point out the excessive violence. If you ignore me for days to weeks, I will confront you by asking why are you not responding to me. Etc. Being critical is just questioning something that most people don't question. There is inherently nothing wrong with it, and in fact it is likely something that we all should cultivate to some extent, if not in the form of being self-critical (or self-aware). Being critical is not bad, being unable to take responsibility and shifting it to those who are innocent is the problem. If you are anti-social, I will criticize you, justly, and you can either take responsibility or escape it and lose me as a friend. Your choice.

[@jessicat2519]

@@Minisynapse there are ways to say things . domination through rudeness is not ok.

[@jessicat2519]

​@@Minisynapse It is not ok to dominate through rudeness.

[@AImaia]

Dr. Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I left my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic fiancé 5 days ago. I had to call the police at 3 a.m. and fled with my dog with only a change of clothes and a toy. He would insult me, use my insecurities against me, guilt tripped me, insulted me. He would punch and kick walls, and keep me up all night. Because of your videos, i began having dreams of one day being free, and I would cry every night just at the thought of marrying him. I was scared, and lived in fear. You gave me the courage of doing what I never thought I could.

[@AmandaBliven]

Same. 💕

[@chelechele5871]

How are you doing now? I hope all is well.

[@heartness978]

😔💔 I’m so sorry to hear this Almaia. I hope you’re doing well now. I was in the same situation last January and I’m still trying to heal cos I stopped being with him last two weeks. It’s so hard to leave but I realised these people never change. He was also screaming, clenching his jaw whilst shouting at me, he’d bruise my arms or pin me on the bed and grab my face and just wouldn’t handle his emotions well. One day I became the narcissist because I had enough of him. I was so angry I gave him the same poison shouted at him spat on his face I was so exhausted. Truthfully a new person came out and I was scared of her. I am now so much better alone but cry a lot at night because I remember how he called me names and always made himself the victim. I should have left when he punched the door and when he’d chase me and I’d try hide in the bathroom. I was so used to this with my dad. I was abused as a kid and didn’t realise this is so stupid of me to accept in a relationship.

[@AImaia]

Thank you ladies, you are all so sweet! Hana I am so sorry because it honestly sounds like your experience was just so terrible. I thank God that you were also able to get out of the situation. I came from an abusive childhood myself, and I saw my mom stuck with my dad even though he was an alcoholic narcissist who would put his hands on her and us. I think in someway I thought that if my mom was able to put up with a man like that, so can I, and it should NOT be that way. Don’t blame yourself or call yourself stupid for accepting the relationship. They are good at manipulating and breaking you! Stay strong!! I am sure you are still a kind person with a beautiful soul! Take care of you and make yourself as happy as you can because you deserve it! I will NOT date anyone again unless he makes me happier than I can make myself!! 💖 Sending you a big hug! Good luck with everything!!

[@helenweatherby1694]

❤️

[@silvermoonuk]

With my immediate family who are narcissists, I wouldn't say they give out insults like the typical person. But they don't give compliments or affection either 😕 but then to the outside world, they come as charming and friendly. But behind closed doors, they are cold.

[@yvancharest9460]

Like you said outside it looks warm and cozy but behind close door it is like inside the fridge

[@dakoderii4221]

I learned that when compliments come with the right hand that the left hand is about to drive the dagger in my 5th rib.

[@ExoticalT369]

…Relatable.

[@davidhinkson8856]

Yes they always put on masks for the 📷. Narcs were wearing masks long before this Covid foolishness!

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Same here🙄✋

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

“The insults have an edge.” YES! It is never a “joke” or said in a light hearted manner. It’s a weapon used to break down victims/get them to submit.

[@Pfsif]

Old saying: men give insults and don't mean them and woman give compliments and don't mean them.

[@lovewhitey2027]

Exactly

[@misssasha168]

Agreed 👍.

[@BAKER22-l4u]

And that's why you walk AWAY and NEVER look back!! NEVER!!

[@dragonstaye4557]

My narcs insults are assault weapons honed to a very sharp edge and intended to cut my jugular ....

[@art_nouvelle]

When we learn to emotionally detach, we can start to observe how hollow and empty a narcissist's insults are, much like the narcissist himself/herself. They say more about the narcissist's insecurities than about anyone else.

[@waywardmd]

So very true.

[@DollfaceKim]

Fact!!

[@TerLH59]

The depths they will go to create as much emotional damage as possible

[@muskokamike127]

The problem with narcs is their skill for finding your weakness and going in for the kill at every opportunity. It's like a death by a thousand cuts...Also their ability to move in for the kill when they think you're at your weakest. Case in point: I was sick with the flu, my gf came over to see how I was. She opened a video on my laptop about how people learn (why she thought this was a good idea when I was sick is beyond me) and when I said I tend to learn by doing. NO NO NOOOO you're NOT. YOU learn by watching!!! Umm I'm 55 years old, I've been learning new things the whole time, I should know how I learn...NO NO NO YOU DON'T.....(among other things) I eventually asked her to leave. lol. Then there was the time I'd just gotten home from my father's funeral out of town, she came over to console me (I guess) and proceeded to start not one, but TWO arguments with me. Again, I asked her to leave. "I don't need this right now".

[@ruebencristobal7790]

Pretty women adore the narcissist grande

[@dynopascal6793]

The hard thing is (I think) is that you can never be sure this person is a narcissist. You'll be doubting your own judgement, thinking that you yourself are the narcissist when you find one of these trades in yourself while drowning in selfdoubt and indecisiveness. Ironically, that is exactly the type of person a narcissist loves to work with. It's hard.

[@annekerotterdam7499]

You can be sure if you set (know) your own boundaries.

[@elizabethevans7198]

I totally understand 100 percent. Started keep a notebook so I could go back and look at each screaming session . Have also started secretly recording when it starts to see what is really going on. It was even harder for me to see clearly because my mother was a narcissist and as a child I developed coping skills to survive. Making me prefect prey .

[@kurtbarks6270]

Narcissist can destroy you. You’ll look back and wonder how you could’ve gone from a decisive, brave and confident person to someone who feels like you just want to get out of this life because you’re a failure. Don’t listen to the scripting they gave you. It’s time to be brave in your own story again.

[@cmontygman]

Been going through this for the past 3-5 months, everyone says I'm not the narcissist. I keep doubting my judgement about her, while thinking I'm the one being the narcissist...

[@dynopascal6793]

@@cmontygman if you are empathic to others and are happy to please, you are certainly not the narcissistic kind

[@toneman335]

You feel with a Narcissist that no matter what you do or say they will always find fault with you.