My Suicide Story: Episode 4 - Alexandra's Story

Alexandra describes her violent struggles with abandonment issues, relationship issues, and constant suicidal ideologies, which led to her decision to overdose on a toxic cocktail of psychiatric medications and bleach.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
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Created by Joe Massa. For more My Suicide Story material and behind the scenes footage, follow Joe on Instagram: @Joemassa

[@justmadeit2]

Does anyone else find it scary when they feel desperately depressed? You can see what’s happening to yourself but cant seem to get control of your mind

[@BEACHDUDE71]

May the force be with you

[@MinuMat]

I'm so scared. I don't know what I am going to do I just want the pain to stop

[@justmadeit2]

@@MinuMat do you know what’s causing you to feel thus way?

[@Goodbyeeveryonehere]

Very much so.

[@Alleyperkins98]

Hi Guys!!!!! I am so grateful to everyone that has watched my story. I am still here. Still alive. I have done so much work on myself and although there are times I still struggle, my life has blossomed. A little update…. 1) I did graduate college Summa Cum Laude… 2) I have placed multiple times in state and regional pageants advocating for mental health and harm reduction, 3) I work in the mental health field and help others who are struggling every single day…. I am more happy now than I have ever been. If you guys want an updated video, like this comment and I will commit that. Thank you everyone for your overwhelming support, even 5 years later. You are not alone 🥰

[@amaster878]

Hearing a smart young woman suffering like this, hurts me so much.

[@kylekeen3497]

Always be kind. You never know what someone's going through in life.

[@amaster878]

Stay strong, girl. Everybody here loves you and cares about you.

[@umalbaneen6400]

Really? 🙄

[@TheFracturedfuture]

​@@umalbaneen6400No not really.

[@ayuanabradford3206]

@@TheFracturedfutureYes we do.

[@TheFracturedfuture]

@@ayuanabradford3206 Nah people only say that to feel good about themselves. Nobody genuinely cares and the majority don't give a shit. It's the sad truth.

[@azsegrxdhtfgvijnkomlewrhtg9508]

@@umalbaneen6400What do you want? Do you want everybody to fly out to where she is and tell her how much they lover her 24/7? So because you don't have any empathy you think that means nobody else does?

[@RenaeLu-bd8rs]

You graduated with honors after all the hell. You are very strong and brave.

[@stevengrutzmacher]

Sometimes our life seems so overwhelming that we just want to leave it ... I dont mean we want to stop living ... we want to stop living THIS life!! We want a BETTER life....

[@fuzzymaiden1]

I have to say that of all the suicide survivor stories ive heard.. yours is the most authentic and descriptive and i think thats exactly what others have to hear.

[@christianwallin4993]

Poor girl. She's beautiful. Good to hear she's in a happier place now.

[@lolitasaucedo67]

What do u mean she’s dead ???

[@narrowroadtraveler4167]

😢 probably because there is no response to any comments here in years 😔 R I p

[@hollydaugherty2620]

@@lolitasaucedo67nobody said she was dead.

[@IndigoMasquerade]

I just hate everyone comments on looks SO much. It makes it seem like ugly people don't deserve to live. I know that's not what you meant at all, but in this context, I think people remarking on her looks would make depressed people reading this feel even worse because depression tells you you're not beautiful.

[@user-qk3sc8rq9r]

The remorse is overwhelming, the guilt never goes away. 'Suicide survivor' sounds hopeful but it's a label you never get over. I wished many times that the first attempt was successful. Scarred for life doesn't begin to describe it, the trauma of the act never goes away. Thanks for telling your story, it will give anyone contemplating the act the pause they might need to get help.

[@Inspiredfitness2012]

What a whirlwind battling with traumas by yourself young self. Highly intelligent & truly moving to feel it as if we are there. May God’s arms be your strength and hope from now on. You are a brave soul with a sweet understanding. ❤

[@LinkinParkRIPChester]

I could see how hard it was for you to talk about your pain. It seems like you are still trying to find your way and struggling. Waking up from 2 very serious suicide attempts like you did is not something that ever leaves you. God and His angels were definitely watching over you. I hope you are doing ok, I know the struggle is real when you have a lot of unresolved pain in your life. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with all of us. I was shocked at the great lengths you went to try to kill yourself. I have attempted, but not like that. It really made me think.

[@cascade00]

18:05 my body suddenly felt peaceful and comfy and energized for real, girl your words are powerful your canvas is beautiful

[@aileenwagner2576]

So glad that u r still here. Your story moved me and I thank u for sharing it. May u continue to heal and help others.

[@johngrenier2102]

I have had several suicide attempts. Not allowed to talk about it at community centers, group therapy, AA, DBT, from Enfield

[@oreakinpelu9036]

Hope you’re doing better!

[@simongilmore5618]

You have a great speaking voice,

[@hollydaugherty2620]

She is so eloquent and intelligent. Stay strong.

[@lynnen264]

I am so deeply glad you are here Lovie

[@senecasweatt2973]

Thanks for sharing your story, your in my prayers 🙏🏾

[@vanessita4138]

Thank you for sharing this. What a beautiful young lady. I wish you the best in life.

[@mrl1593]

Thanks Alexandra for sharing your story. I hope you're feeling better and enjoying life now. Hugs

[@renaelynn6376]

The first thing I 💭 seeing the thumbnail was, " I ❤her hair." Your red hair is beautiful.

[@LinBouthillierCTRC]

Alexandra, I am so grateful for your articulation of your extremely painful experiences. Thank you for being so vulnerable with all of us. You are beautiful, strong, eloquent and so infinitely worthy of love, compassion and validation. I hope you feel seen, heard, held and wanted in this world. Sending you so much love.❤

[@mrs.jasonmiller4763]

❤ Your courage and strength are inspiring and I'm glad you are able to tell your story, thank you ❤

[@withstandthestorms9976]

You are very brave and I am proud of you. Such pain and bravery in your voice

[@pennylane7943]

Beautiful, brave girl! You're finding your purpose, and we're so happy that you're here. Blessings and love to you ❤

[@julieturner8633]

I love u ❤️❤️ there is so much I don’t know about ur life but I know how strong you are and powerful and u are my hero I am so proud of you ❤️❤️I’m always here for you Just you telling this story and saying everything I really don’t have anymore words for this I love u hun ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@NaimahIman]

I'm sorry that this has happened to you and I thank you for finding the courage to be transparent to those who have come across this video. I hope that you are in a much better head space now🌻Please take care.

[@jennieemrich2168]

I hope you're OK. ❤ Proud of your progress!!!

[@deborahdeldebbioable]

What a beautiful woman and powerful story of resilience.

[@erikvictorreed]

You are a lovely person. Thank you for sharing your pain. Seriously, thank you.

[@alexeigrinevicius3841]

Thank you for telling your story! You gave me strength to fight for my life because I felt the urge to take my life.

[@delphinawhiles6235]

Thank u for sharing, I know your story will help others going through their struggles. So hard when we don't have our parents to love us n take care of us n for u to have lost your mum twice was devasting for u ong with all your other trials. Time has passed now, u may be working using your art skills in art therapy classes in centres where people go for help. U will be an inspiration to them through your own suffering.

[@fionabattrum7395]

You have a clear calling to help others I hope that you can follow the desires of your heart . You will be an amazing art therapist ❤

[@NeverLoseLoveJoyHope]

We love you and care for you on here. I’ve been through a lot of my own pain too and thinking maybe I should post my story on KZbin as well

[@jesssik9326]

Glad you're ok

[@cathysimpson]

You are so brave girl! I don't know my own head let alone what you have together. You got it... ❤

[@anthonyanastasio8733]

Thanks for sharing.

[@brilliantphoto5992]

Thanks. Your words inspire me.

[@davidgood1072]

Thank you! You might have saved my life.

[@meganrobbins7784]

we love you stay strong baby🥺❤️

[@mikestock969]

What a touching testimony, So heartfelt. You are a highly intelligent young lady. You put words together in a beautiful way. You have so much to live for. Don't give up the fight, So many guys would be extremely lucky to be in your presence. Stay strong, ❤❤❤😊😊

[@blackalex191]

Thank you for being strong and trying to help others. What if the purpose of this life is to help to create a better world, spreading kindness making friends as a result , and creating a balanced world without poverty, without diseases, a world full of empathy and kindness. A world without you will be more prone to fail for this mission, and imagine being in afterlife and be judged for not helping to accomplish this mission. This are the things that keeps me alive.

[@freereinartstudio1463]

What a beautiful turn around! I am an artist also and find art to be one of the best ways to keep my depression at bay! Wishing you the best as you continue to move forward. BTW your red hair is gorgeous! :)

[@vunguyentr5561]

Your story is beautiful Alexandra it touched me

[@andrewbennett7987]

We love you! I’ll be there for you. Anything you need please don’t hesitate to ask. 💙

[@BEACHDUDE71]

I have given myself 3 years

[@shannonkringen]

Thanks this helps me

[@shawnosborn8887]

Thank you so much my love

[@user-bq8nc2eq3z]

Live on Lil lady for you have many many multiple years to live. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@bevcormier6298]

Your beautiful baby girl. Never forget your worth.

[@thefriendlyschizo]

So interesting, i wonder if icing someone whos had an od could help. Glad you are still here!

[@revicamc]

Hope things work out for you. Take Care.

[@rainers.2080]

This a video that's 5 years old. I sure would love to know what her situation is like today. I hope she's doing well. Lovely girl.

[@blbrightlights564]

What a beautiful strong woman.❤

[@colinwee9981]

Brave girl...remember focus focus focus on what u still have...focus os the key to keep surviving...i lnow coz m goimg thru this

[@matthewfrederick5885]

I can tell she is such a beautiful person and she is physically beautiful as well she has so much to live for but I understand I have had thoughts and my drug addiction has been fueled by being alone too long I can’t even get a date and it hurts

[@lolvivo8783]

Please take care

[@1903chrisholden]

so powerful

[@hannahosegueda1543]

Did you go to Timberline Knolls???? I went there too!

[@etownshawn]

Yes, paint the canvas white & start anew. ♥

[@thenativist6330]

The music quite a tad laut. It’s hard to hear at times.

[@Clairethemusic13]

I know how this feels in a way bc I'm like feel like this

[@justhappy2057]

Your beautiful, I hope you don't feel that low again, xx

[@jameslong9564]

You’re*

[@justhappy2057]

@@jameslong9564 stfu and do one. You sad pathetic NASTY peice of work.

[@jameslong9564]

@@justhappy2057 You sad, pathetic, nasty, piece of shit.

[@rashamohamed5889]

You are beautuful honest and brave .. art therapy is a very interesting goal .. life is hard but dont make it harder .. you can think of someone or a place you go to if you ever feel down again .. your battle is difficult but if you want to win it you will .. just set some options or steps you do if you ever feel suicidal again .. Suicide isnt the end of pain

[@tasophy]

You are beautiful and you will have a very beautiful life.

[@mikeprzlomski2092]

I just want to hug you

[@emilymartin7082]

Wow ♥️

[@lilliecat]

My daughter has beautiful red hair we all love that.

[@annberlin5811]

I hope you are ok now

[@janinemcmaster3672]

❤️

[@saintmikko]

You pretty cool, Alexandra, I had it totalled. Yos

[@jennyteo7415]

I lost my only child to suicide when he was hardly 21. God preserved you in the brook. You are alive today for a purpose such as this - to tell your story of suffering, perseverance , character and hope for a broken world. “Life is never made of unbearable circumstances, but only by lack of Meaning and Purpose “ - Victor Frankl. Stay strong and know that He is with you always. He is the only One who never leaves you nor forsakes you. He loves you .

[@precious14stones]

Yes ❤❤ Thank you

[@skingerskanger]

@jennyteo7415 I'm so very sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

[@shawnmendrek3544]

I am confident that you never had someone take a chance, especially those of a family variety. I think the best no bs I can say to you is, I promise I will pray for your safety. I hate to see people in this much pain, because you had a crappy start in life. I would drill on but I know sometimes in life talking is not the answer. Nor is reading. An update would be great. Yea growing up, a lot of red haired boys and girls isolated because everyone picked on them. In the old days, they were still called devils because of the color. Still are sometimes.

[@thesilentknight4554]

What if your absolutely & remarkably alone though, without family or friends? What do you do then?😶

[@kianamarie728]

Suicide hotline

[@thesilentknight4554]

@@kianamarie728 yeeeeeeah, that ain't enough🙄

[@MsTinkerbelle87]

Gilbert Garces you could admit yourself for a psych hospital not ideal but if you’re serious about getting help..🙏

[@fitmamaroberta]

Always know you are loved and special.❤

[@DannyD-lr5yg]

How are you doing now? As for how to practically cope when you are alone: 1) I’ve been there, 2) it’s definitely hard, no way around that. In my moment of need, when I was alone, I ultimately had to grit my teeth and white knuckle through it - vowing to build a better support system once I was out of crisis. And now I have, mostly; it ebbs and flows, and I still feel lonely at times, but I do have people who care. I was able to build this by doing 2 things, with 1 prerequisite: Prerequisite: I did these things when I felt naturally social. For me, doing these things in the moment of crisis wasn’t a viable option - so I did my best to intentionally do them when i wasn’t in crisis, even if it no longer felt necessary or important (because I was feeling good, not bad, so why pursue support? Why: because you won’t always feel good/you will feel bad again. Prepare for feeling bad while you’re feeling okay.) 1) I tried to be there for other people. I asked them about THEIR struggles, needs, or even just their hobbies or how their day was. The one trick is to do this for people who are naturally appreciative and reciprocal, not exploitative; learning to tell who’s who takes practice. Doing this helped me not feel so alone because I realized other people DO understand, it helped me feel more fulfilled because I was helping someone, and it gave me perspective on my own pain bc it distracted me from it for a moment. And best of all, those people were now primed to WANT to be there for me like I was there for them. Which brings me to… 2) I opened up to others about my struggles and how severe they’d gotten. This was a challenge; it felt vulnerable, and like a dangerous risk. But nothing ventured, nothing gained! And it turned out many people who I thought didn’t understand or didn’t care simply _didn’t know._ Anyways. I’m not in the best headspace right now, but I’m certainly not in the worst headspace I’ve been in - but even when I do take a nosedive, I now have a buffer of comfort knowing I do HAVE people now. It’s hard to make that initial “investment,” but that’s just how things are. Nobody can read your mind, and you don’t get love or friends without first being willing to give those things. But if you can find it within yourself to give, genuinely and with an open heart…eventually it’ll come back to you tenfold.

[@RenaeLu-bd8rs]

When your story began, within 2 seconds, "What beautiful hair , I want hair like that." Beautiful hair...be proud of your beauty!!!

[@shawnmendrek3544]

Jealousy is probably why people dislike her, people dye their hair red for a reason, it is rare to have.

[@user-ig4zo3en8l]

I love to your vivdo

[@user-ig4zo3en8l]

I will help you make antother ond video

[@user-ig4zo3en8l]

Hi write make 5 more videos

[@DeDe-by9se]

Beautiful Also, the people who bullied you for your red hair was probably just jealous

[@gulonino9366]

I love you nice girl... 💖💖💖

[@ftmrivas3043]

Wow so sad. Kids are so uneducated and jealous . How can they bully her over her hair. I am so glad she is alive.

[@benjamingage7857]

I've never understood why anyone over the age of 12 would bully someone for having red hair. So you go after a person for a trait that is unique and that a lot of people find attractive, why?

[@gillianwebb3945]

Unfortunately it happens so much. I still have it now in my 40s!

[@benjamingage7857]

@@gillianwebb3945 38 and I'm already going gray. Started in my 20's.

[@Clairethemusic13]

Wait wha the heck she lives near me kinda... I can't believe I've never heard of this

[@Clairethemusic13]

When she lived in mass I mean

[@angelinaz78]

I just want you to know that you are loved. Jesus loves you. God thought of you thousands of years before he made you. He has a plan for you here on earth you have a purpose.

[@jameslong9564]

Triggers??? I hope they’re the new echo binary kind. I could really use one for my ar.

[@ezracohen2173]

Like if 13 reasons why brought you here

[@Lililpuyy]

I had pasta last night

[@stephenkaake7016]

looks scripted

[@miamanson2382]

This actually happened.. so its definitely not fake. Alley is good friend of mine

[@First._.Last.]

Prepared. I perceive poise, intelligence, intentionality of purpose and precise articulation. I recognize a presentation of self, demeanor and tone that is often evident with someone who: is experiencing or has experienced self-reliance and/or an unusual degree of responsibility at an earlier-than-customary age and are high-acheivers....along with some combination of a few other specific traits and family dynamics. Here, she has some intense healing and recovery work under her belt and there has been a bit of time for introspection and perspective. Still, you can be nearly certain that even though we don't see it here, there are times when these memories hit her and it looks nothing like the organized and grounded Alexandra we see for these twenty minutes. And, surely - by the date she participated in this project, she had on many occasions: _written about, dissociated about, created art about, had nightmares/flashbacks about, cried about, nearly vomited about, traced the steps of, recounted and described to her healthcare team/college program cohort members/group therapy peers_ ....the events of her life. Many who held information and details of the parts of her suicide attempt, rescue and recovery that she did not....have recounted and filled in her missing stretches of awareness. Well, fellow traveler, may you find peace or joy in some moment this day. I hope that you are safe, taking good care of yourself, finding ways to be of service to others when you are able, experiencing love from and expressing love to the rest of our companion creation and our Creator as we are specially and uniquely meant to do.💫

[@rosie3431]

@@miamanson2382is she doing ok now? Beautiful young woman ❤

[@miamanson2382]

@@rosie3431 she is. She’s an incredible human and has an amazing success story 💜

[@rocknb123]

It must not be a good sucide story if she lived to tell it

[@lziajuliann4107]

More people should watch this 🤍

[@JesusSavedMeFromASuicideAtempt]

She barricaded herself in and when her roommate came in there was no barricade.😉♥️🙏✝️

[@rossthyne8183]

❤️

[@erikapayanmiranda834]

❤