My Suicide Story: Episode 5 - John’s Story

Join New York Times bestselling author John Romaniello, as he narrates the dark chapters of his life, which include being sexually abused as a child, concealing his depression, struggling to come to terms with his polyamory, and the intentional destruction of his relationships, all leading to multiple suicide attempts.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
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[@kylekeen3497]

Always be kind. You never know what someone else is going through in life.

[@vunguyentr5561]

Its weird how these stories give me great comfort like a gentle hug that I'm so needed

[@Outcast227]

You're very brave to share your story. And I identify with a lot of your story. I was verbally abused by my dad. I was bullied physically and verbally- and even sexually in jr high and high school. That was all when I was 9-18 years old. I harmed myself physically during my 20s and was almost in the ER psych hold at 22. I'm almost 34...and I'm still a little messed up now, but I keep pushing forward. I'm a religious guy, but I still have deep depression and anxiety at times. Almost all my friends are Christians, and they think I should just be "over it" by now, but it's not that simple. So I push through any way I can on my own. There is healing on the other side. Keep fighting to survive.

[@LinBouthillierCTRC]

Thank you, John, for being so open with all of us. I understand about the way the horrors from long ago bubble up to the surface. Mine were late to the party- age 56 was when they came real to me, causing me so much shame, rage and unspeakable pain. I hope you can hear my heart speaking to you. From the depths of my soul, I send you care, validation, gratitude and love. I’m so appreciative that you stayed in this world. ❤

[@josyjosy7495]

Thank u for being alive. I am sad cos u feel hurt and broken. I wish u joy.

[@audreypistor4610]

I understand how bad it can get, your dog takes on your energy he seems depressed. Love him and yourself it takes time one day at a time.

[@elizabethharperartandmotiv2176]

A big hug to all, perhaps we all might know of a person that has passed away due to it. 🌹

[@Destinyprojects4]

...getting through that day. That night... Tonight, this true for me too. Thank you for sharing. Helped this soul tonight. A year later...

[@im_slartibartfast]

I want to be open about my depression, but if I tell someone about it, more than once, I feel they don't care anymore. So I don't tell anyone about it anymore.

[@ajhproductions2347]

I know. It’s really hard not to internalize all of this shit. Seems like a lot of people don’t think it’s serious until it’s too late. Hang in there 🙏🖤

[@delphinawhiles6235]

As a suggestion u could try writing out your thoughts. Try poetry if that's u also. Try writing a song. Anything that can get those thoughts in your head out if u feel u have noone to talk to on a regular basis. Exercise is great for depression, just a walk in the park or along a beach. If being around people is hard for u atm try a quiet time. Even a seat with lovely view a beach, a sunset, park, river, mountains...somewhere to just make u smile with a coffee or juice. In time join a grp, eg making a project or a singing grp n try not to isolate yourself n just be consumed with u, your brain. Our depression is real, it's OK to sometimes be sad butvwhen it continues a holistic approach helps if we r also on medication. Other ideas, paint a picture, colour a picture. I hope just knowing that other people do care about u n your a very special unique person n without u in it the world would be a different place. If u find that hard to believe, keep saying it. Place in on your fridge door. Make your own up. They r called affirmations. There purpose is to help u heal n make u belief in yourself. Take care

[@kellyhuffman5082]

I care I'm here if want to open up I have depression ❤ too

[@kellyhuffman5082]

I care

[@virginiasummer2619]

Someone does care- we all have someone who cares- it’s scary to talk about and it’s also scary to hear, at first. Please, please, please, talk about it - get help. You are worth it- you have people who love you. My husband of 35 years died of depression. He would never accept it, nor accept help of any kind. We loved him so much- our daughter suffers from it too - two suicide attempts- but he would not talk about his feelings in terms of depression. Our sons also have had counseling ( me too- he used to say- you need counseling, not me) before his suicide - we really never felt shame around mental issues. But he just could not accept help.

[@kimberlysmith7311]

We are not meant to carry our story with us. It's a monumental shift to realize that you are NOT your story, memories, experiences, likes or dislikes, occupation or any of that. " The Untethered Soul" " The Power of Now" Anyone reading check out those books. The ego can NEVER be cured, but thank God we are so much more then our ego. Yes there is sometikes pain, but ❤ SUFFERING IS ALWAYS OPTIONAL When he describes feeling better at suicidal attempts because he was PRESENT feeling pain not so much in his head. Dont live in yoir head. Dont be afraid to feel. Dont believe the lie that youll always need meds. 😢 How do I know??? I used to live that way. I dont anymorr. ❤ if tour suffering check out those books, and there are more like it. 😊

[@agceh]

This hits home for me. Expescially the part where you explain the 'logical' 'rational' part of ending it al. Im like that, not dramatic but just thinking about what is left in my life and my options and just rational thinking that life is just not good enough and not getting better for me, and it is bad for 5 years now. So why suffer more and more?

[@onenessishere]

I recognize and appreciate the blunt honesty that threads through these videos.

[@danzel8604]

I sincerely hope Ur ok today and getting better...

[@GD1_3]

Ive been struggling with ending my life for awhile now. I dont see any other solution for me.

[@SurVarandani]

Same here

[@aimeebaldwin5600]

Have you reached out? There is help out there. Even if it's a stranger, please talk to someone.

[@delphinawhiles6235]

Your amazing, come so far n u will keep healing. I've now heard podcast 5,6 n 7. U were all sexually abused as children n some also physically by adults hmwhovwere suppose toblove u unconditionally n protect u. Every child has that right n it's taken away from so many children. It seems to me that even though u all had suicidal feelings n attempts it all seems to come to a head in the 30 age bracket, especially if it's been bottled up inside with nowhere to escape. When your in a very deep dark place day after day with whatvseems like no hope ea day gets harder n harder to deal with n waking in the morning to face another is so exhausting n challenging. When we r deeply depressed n/or have a diagnosed mental illness it's a double whammy on the victim. With time, continuing to work on ourselves , a hobby, watching a funny movie, a sunset, a journal, learning our triggers, we can help ourselves. Continue to belief in yourself. U were a victim. U r a survivor n u can heal to lead a happy life. Yes there will be bad moments, bad days but that's ok. No person is perfect. We continually learn from our mistakes to be a better version of ourself n be there to help others (like now relaying your story). There will also be triggers that trigger u but this is also ok bc it helps u understand wherever in your journey to recovery. Our brain has neurons. In a healthy brain they r long. In a depressed brain n a brain with mental illness they shorten. But with time (not over night,) doing the work, eating healthy, getting sleep n all of the above these neurons can grow back n we can improve. Im no therapist or trained in a y of this. I learnt that on tv on a episode on the brain. I've had my own challenges in my own life. I still have triggers, still make mistakes. This life is it. We just have to make the most of what is left to be happy n be happy with who we r n not allow others to judge us. We r all unique n I loved reading your raw, honesty about who u r n why u r u. Take care

[@stephb7341]

John, stay strong.thank you for your story. You are worth so much and you are needed. ☮️💜

[@coreyjacq]

Thank you for sharing. It means a lot

[@chrisfiala]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Resonates with me in a big way.

[@virginiasummer2619]

Thank you for making this video- it’s really helpful to us that are living in the aftermath of suicide. We will never know the reason but it helps to hear your story.

[@corinadaschievici1925]

Good looking! I'm glad you're here!

[@thoskel1]

Such an honest account of the the dilemma you felt.

[@thisisthenewcovenant6058]

God bless your heart❤

[@LoraCorkhill-wm9pk]

I am guilty myself of this … it always strikes me odd when such good looking people want to take their life. It’s always portrayed good looking people have it all in life . What would they have to be bothered by they are beautiful. But I’m wrong so so wrong trauma does not judge us by our looks .

[@shawnmendrek3544]

Some people g et tired of being known for their looks. There is much more than looks to a person, if someone tells you otherwise, you need new people to talk to.

[@randombobsmith8925]

It is proven that good looking folks do get an easier time from wider society...

[@LoraCorkhill-wm9pk]

@@shawnmendrek3544 why would you answer that way? When you know dang well what I was talking about.

[@Alex-lr2pp]

Can't imagine the day when this will have passed. Am convinced life should end , maybe it gets better

[@aimeebaldwin5600]

It will get better, it does get better. Nothing lasts forever. Whether good or bad.

[@delphinawhiles6235]

Ps love your dog, he/she looks like a great loving companion to u. They give out so much unconditional love n don't ans back. Animals r great for companionship n healing n bringing joy into our life. Love there walks n help get us out of the house n enjoy some sunshine n increase those happy endorphins that r lacking in a depressed brain.

[@jeromeburdine966]

I think a lot of it is that as a society, we are so pressured into doing for others, caring for others, and thinking of others before ourselves. If God forbid we put ourselves first we are considered selfish, immature, etc. That's why I think people hesitate reaching out or putting any attention to what their own personal needs are.

[@kellyhuffman5082]

I'm Also it's a Survivor. I tempted Suicide several times when I was in my twenties I'm nineteenth and 30. I am still here also suffer from depression. I was diagnosed when I was in my teens My grandmother died I got picked on so many times and after my grandmother passed away I tried to commit suicide after that.

[@ezracohen2173]

Wow this is deep!

[@irenemchugh]

Is the evil adult who abused you still alive?? He should be tracked down and brought to justice ……Wishing you some happy times ….I am so sorry that this happened to you …..You poor darling little boy 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@elysestover5741]

I understand I tried 3 times last year and then I lost my husband I lost my whole life.

[@shawnmendrek3544]

You still around? I am sure you are. I am not here to shoot advice, just listen.

[@shawnmendrek3544]

Yea, a big connection with trauma and suicide. Sometimes depression shows us how little people re ally care. When I tell people I am hurting, it is like there is no care a nd on to the next page. To be honest man, I hear stories like yours, it gives me hope, because God brought me back to life so many times, literally, if you can heal so can others. Brutally honest here, I look up to people like you, but I get so scared to get real help, because all my life no one ever cared, I might be afaid of what I could become, after healing. I guess I got good at being in hiding and protecting myself and others from my shit.

[@SamStone1964]

What could you become, after healing?

[@shawnmendrek3544]

Something better.@@SamStone1964

[@laraoneal7284]

Adorable dog.

[@Pajhnubhlis]

Where is the beginning to the end... where?

[@kellyhuffman5082]

Please stay strong 😢 i u have pepole loves you❤

[@allenlazur5785]

best i can think to extend is that you mentioned a multitude of self-sabotage efforts . perhaps , try to make those anti-sabotage efforts . so . plan for a good event either solo or private that means that you are a Part of Life and Attached to Other Lives . Perhaps it's the daughter's dance recital . Perhaps because you have tickets to see the Rolling Stones in december of 2024 . Build something in response to your urge to bring down !! These methods add meaning and value towards Existence .

[@Wendy-bd9zu]

I wanted to do it when i was living still with my mother, she destroyed my youth, because of that im wired the wrong way, always expecting the worst in life, i learned to adjust and thrive, i do good, make money, have a daughter i would do everything for her. But i still want to die, im probably the only person in the world who would be happy with a deadly illness. I never tell anyone but im waiting. I would never do it myself and hurt others. But if dead comes im ready

[@veronical.c890]

I feel the same. How are you feeling now?

[@Wendy-bd9zu]

@@veronical.c890 sorry to hear that.. i feel the same, always. Its like a never ending depression. I am not hurting really bad but im just not enjoying life. 🤷 i hope that the light will shine brighter for you soon!

[@veronical.c890]

@@Wendy-bd9zu I sincerely hope the same for you, thank you for replying, it helps to know one is not alone

[@justmadeit2]

Who else is extremely depressed while watching this? I’ve been in bed for 2 days feeling desperate

[@shawnmendrek3544]

"since I was a boy I starting hurting" yea man. will look into your books. took until 35-36 to open up online to strangers. I still do not like men much, I distance myself from them for various reasons. Women, sabatoge relationships.

[@dairinnally5912]

Omg that's me N I've had enough

[@BEACHDUDE71]

I might have to in 3 years

[@mares3841]

💛🐶💛

[@user-qe3eu6wn2p]

real

[@MorganDreams-bm9zj]

I was tall enough until I stopped eating

[@kellyhuffman5082]

Lessen to k-love

[@Sakalarka28473]

I wish someone would help me, but sympathy isn't for the ugly and gay. I wish I could have a normal life but I never could. There isn't anything I can do anymore. Why's suicide so wrong and taboo? I think I'm doing the right thing going through with it. I don't want pity or help, just an outside perspective or opinion now. Why'd my life story have to be like a horror flick?

[@afterthestorm9355]

Because the people left behind, who love you, suffer unimaginably. Alfred, please get support and help. You deserve to live, Albert.

[@Uno-1968]

​@@afterthestorm9355 , yes family do get hurt , but if you understand the pain in serious depression and anxiety you might just understand. I have family but don't wanna live any more . Its hard to explain tbh . I wish you well

[@afterthestorm9355]

@@Uno-1968 I believe I DO understand. I remember telling my therapist, in my 40’s-“You know, when you wake up in the morning and you decide to live today. You decide you’re not going to kill yourself today.” She asked me how long I’d woken up thinking this and I responded “Doesn’t everybody wake up and make that decision?” She shook her head no. That people simply wake up. I’d been fighting suicidal thoughts since my earliest memories. And there have been moments when I’ve nearly given in. My younger brother ended his life by suicide. A former husband ended his life by suicide. I do take meds now to balance my chemistry. But situational depression can still trigger it-especially when you have CPTSD. Please choose to live anyway.

[@afterthestorm9355]

@@Uno-1968 and I don’t see it as a moral failing to end one’s life. I see it as hopelessness winning-for a moment. I personally want those without hope to find hope again. To look for the beauty in life-in nature, in moments. A glimmer of beauty. And to be grateful for tge glimmer

[@willmartin34]

Keep that Bible open keep that Bible open Jesus is Lord Jesus is Lord keep that Bible open read that Bible love that Bible need that Bible want that Bible keep that Bible open Jesus is Lord Jesus is Lord Jesus is born

[@rocknb123]

Your story isn't that good if you lived to tell the tale

[@psychhtet3547]

Why ? So