Narcissistic Family: The Hidden Trauma of the Parentified Child

Jerry Wise, MA, MS is a relationship expert, self-specialist, life coach. He as been helping people for 37 yearsa. He was a marriage and family therapist, pastoral counselor, pastor, speaker, and trainer.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@bubbashuman1111]

My family treated me like an adult/spouse/parent when I was little. And now that I’m an adult, they treat me like I’m 10 🤦🏼‍♀️ and I’m almost 30. It’s so frustrating, I feel like it’s a control thing but I’m not sure

[@corinneharrison9113]

When she asked, I cooked bacon 🥓 in an electric skillet by standing on a chair when I was four. She was probably hung over.

[@VargRETURNS]

Wow. I didn't realize I was the only one going through this. I felt so crazy and histrionic for such a long time.

[@falconbritt5461]

It's definitely a control thing. The whole set of games involved in infantilizing an adult child to continue controlling them can be quite deliberate among parents with personality disorders like narcissism (or even just narcissistic traits), borderline PD, sociopathy or psychopathy. They may subconscious or consciously feed off maintaining their dominance by reinforcing to the adult child that they are weak, sick, depressed, confused, and/or incompetent to make their own choices. It's a very unhealthy dynamic, but they get to feel superior; they get to maintain their (self-perceived) domination of your actions, thoughts, and feelings; they get to play rescuer so they get ego gratification; and they get to appear to the extended family like a long-suffering savior figure. Often they will send money with huge unspoken strings attached as part of this as well - you discover the manipulation plan later, and it's nasty business! They will deny any such strings no matter how many past incidents you provide as proof. Infantilizing an adult child is usually also an enmeshment thing that gives them an excuse to be overinvolved in your life as an adult and take way too much of your time, energy, attention, and personal freedom. It can give a codependent parent who wants to stay enmeshed (avoiding their own growth and responsibility to make their own friends where they live, develop their own hobbies and activities) an excuse to call their adult child way too often and talk way too long, being all up in their business, draining energy and time continually from their adult offspring - if allowed. Anyone experiencing this, please, by all means examine the interaction pattern and make a list, then talk with a therapist to learn how healthy families actually operate with their grown children. Then you can find yourself, what you want and need and deserve by way of freedom and respect. You can then set boundaries. It can be done, although they won't like it - you will force them to grow up and to back off from the control games. When you finally manage to do that, you may discover - to your shock - that much of that nonsense has been a deliberate ploy. Announcing your refusal to accept money for a year (or two) can evoke from them a surprising degree of rage with a stench of fear attached - that fear reveals they know they have been using it to manipulate you. They are afraid because they are losing a tool of manipulation.

[@savannahweymouth7370]

Parentified as a child and infantalized as adult. Abso-lutely about control.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes. It is a control thing.

[@ForeverAutumn77]

I was my mothers emotional crutch. I parented her emotionally. I now see that as very toxic and dysfunctional. My mother still is very low functional, but I have detached myself emotionally, so that I can preserve my peace and joy. I am not responsible for her happiness, I know that now.

[@mariadavis6599]

Me too. Same situation. I am the only child as well

[@jacquelynsharp9354]

Your comment helped me today at54!!!😢😢😢😢thank you God bless you and your family

[@Ruchira0318]

Been through same...

[@sugarsore]

I can't seem to detach.

[@miriam100ful]

this is me too.

[@petparadise6955]

I think being a parentified child is why I have a boatload of mental heal issues as an adult

[@trudymitchell804]

Absolutely. Right there with you. But I have watched thousands of these KZbin. I now have an understanding of it wasn't me it was them. They are sick making you the sick one. Educate educate, educate and then educate some more. I have found healing along with knowing Jesus. Confessing my son part and getting delivered of being a slave to their demands.

[@pulidobl]

It is…

[@ma1102]

@@trudymitchell804”they are sick making you the sick one”. wow…needed to hear that. thanks

[@BadbearXIII]

This is the first time that I actually felt deeply understood, outside out of my own understanding about myself. You really do live up to your last name Jerry! And Im so glad that I found your channel!

[@alphanotmale1847]

BadbearXIII he does! He honors his last name! I’m glad I ran into his channel too!

[@foxybyproxy]

same and well put!

[@luisapaza317]

Haha... Jerry Wise... I owe him a great deal of respect

[@christinerobertson9596]

In 5th grade, I went home to my locked apartment- I was an only child-no father- Mother was in there with co-workers. (otherwise, they were having a party) I went to teenage neighbor's house for comfort because I was crying- she gave me a snack. I later asked mother why she locked the door and she said, "marijuana was in there, so you couldn't go in." That was just one story. It is still going on today. She gave me her difficult, spoiled dog that I feel obligated to take care of. I just called her and said she need to take her dog back- that I couldn't manage him. I'm learning, Jerry, Thank You! It's never too late to become healthy.

[@sungirl9951]

I grew up hearing my parents say all my life that they couldn't wait for me and my brother to move out when we were little kids. My feelings were ignored big time. I was told to shut up all the time. I thought as I grew up that's the way its supposed to be but after narcs taking over my life..I found out I was raised wrong.

[@alphanotmale1847]

sungirl99 ughhh! Same here!!!!! I remember that my narcissistic parents instead of telling us how badly they wanted us to grow up and move out, they would constantly complain about how much of a financial load we were. My siblings and I were so permanently mortified by the thought of being deadbeats that we found the way to move out as soon as we had a chance, but unfortunately every single one of us married narcs, two of us three were lucky enough to be discarded by the narcs, though, so we’ve been able to redo our lives... sadly our oldest (who also became a narc herself) is still married to a highly malignant (con artist type) narc

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Watch Lisa A Romano - very healing channel, same thing happened to her

[@MrPausenbrot]

25 and finally waking up to this. Thank you so much.

[@filipdemeyst8842]

Good luck

[@eetadakimasu]

Good for you! It's not at all easy.

[@lucascoelho1995]

Same here. 26 next week and waking up to this. Now I understanding why my life is not going the way it should .

[@MusicAddictAda]

You're lucky! I was 31, and others only start so much later in life. We're all lucky!

[@MrPausenbrot]

@@MusicAddictAda yes we are:) I wish you all good luck!

[@pavla2055]

As the eldest daughter my parents acted as if I was born into the family servant role . Constant scapegoating and raging anger b/c I never did anything right I was still expected to try my hardest to please them , I knew by age 10 that I couldn't do ANYTHING right and I think depression probably started then . I was supposed to feel responsible for , physically and financially for younger siblings . This followed long into adulthood as at age 30 both parents told me that I should feel guilty about having a house when my younger unmarried brother didn't have one . The projecting and dysfunctional behaviour never ended - until I went NO CONTACT .

[@evawasteson1296]

❤

[@leeboriack8054]

No contact, no dysfunction.

[@KK-pi3ui]

This is exactly what I'm experiencing /experienced

[@MarieBrown-k9p]

My advise Turn up for yourself. Care for YOU. Embrace the anger, process it and see the reason why. See your parents for who they are. Take care of you, take care of you - I can not say that enough. Say No. do Less. Let them be disappointed. Let them be upset. They are already always upset. Do for your first and then them. Go through the pain. It is worth it. Find yourself. Do new things. Meet new people just be wise and know your boundaries and LIVE and LIVE. You are someone deserving of love regardless of the damage done❤❤❤

[@barbaragriswold3367]

It isn’t always about divorce. I had “the normal child” scenario at home. Two older handicapped siblings. I was told at 9 that it would be up to me to have the grandchildren or to do this or that because my siblings won’t be able to. I had to support my mother emotionally. Told, she could not talk to anyone else. I could not talk about any of my needs even if they were basic simple teenage things. Even now, I get “you think you have it bad” which means I can’t be unhappy. And indeed I was told on occasion that “I need you to be happy”. I couldn’t cry. Mom didn’t get the life she dreamed of, and she wanted me to have her dreams, regardless of if those were mine. She couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be like the girl down the street and like pink and then the next week she would say of that girl turned out to be on drugs, I am so glad you aren’t like that. I became where even now when someone says you are pretty, I am waiting for the contradiction. I was a disappointment for things I couldn’t change, which when I was young I blamed myself for...my hair wasn’t red and curly. Now that I am older I understand what happened. But not every “baby” of the family was spoiled. It was a mission impossible

[@tiffanycolson3358]

I had a teenage parent. I was treated as an equal and used as an emotional sponge. Once I questioned anything then i was called a child and told to act my age. It was very confusing. I could go on but its too much.

[@avonleamontague2469]

Not gonna lie, I'm tearing up out of relief and the disappointING realization of how much some of these things effect us 'til this day, and the price we pay. We pay because of someone else, and now it is our responsibility to work through that ourselves when we shouldn't have to to begin with. Ironic, huh? We owe ourselves an apology and so do our families.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Since age 3- I was Mother's " little Doctor"( her Words)!What a burden:: WARPED family (ug)!

[@stormaurora5536]

I have never heard of this until watching your video. It slapped me in the face as this perfectly describes me. I never knew why I felt to blame for everything but also felt a victim of everything, it is awful. Thank you so much.

[@alphanotmale1847]

Storm Aurora same here! It helped me understand soooooooo many of my deficiencies I constantly get upset about without knowing how to overcome!!!!

[@jooneemoon]

I am in floods of tears as I listen to this. It is the story of my experience with my mother and my father. But I am so grateful to hear it told and to be forgiven. I am learning not to take responsibility for how others feel and I see the value of being selfish and not self-centred.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

For the parentified child, it feels like you're "selfish," but you are really just owning your own shit. :) And leaving other people to take care of theirs. Or not. And if not, leaving them to face the consequences. Problem is...... if someone is a true narcissist, they will never own up to their shit. :( No contact is survival. The truth is... you should not be made to suffer for someone else's repeatedly bad choices in life.

[@evenflow3256]

I'm witnessing a 6 year old girl go through this now with her father. She's so young most of these words are unknown to her. We are teaching her to read for her life.

[@rubycubez1103]

This was my mom's parenting style growing up. I have a younger sister she always made me responsible for even though I have 2 older brothers. Fast forward, I'm 40. My sister is 35. I live a state away. My sister, niece and nephew live with my mom. My mom and sister have the most toxic relationship. I rarely visit. Parentifying children just makes them distant and bitter in adulthood.

[@totalwomanja9105]

It was just last week I was telling myself how I feel like I've been old before I'm young (I'm just in my mid twenties.) Thanks Mr. Wise for your phenomenal work which is now helping me to understand my life a lot better. I feel so stressed out being the 'mother' in my house. Nobody gets it, but you surely do. I feel like moving out and take my childhood back. Thank you sir!

[@eetadakimasu]

Yes! You can become an 'emancipated teenager' it's a real, legal thing that lets you leave, if you are really suffering go to a 'safe place' if you're in the USA, like a fire station or some gas stations. You'll be in the system so it isn't a perfect option but something to consider. Be well

[@joanditlevsen]

As a parentified child.. my mother will use “suicide” as my guilt.. meaning.. “if you dont save me.. i’ll just die..”.. So her choice of abuse, is my love to her.. “You will never forgive yourself if you let me die..” Sadly enough, this is not a empty threat.. her life is literally in my hands, if i dont take care of her.. eating a handfull of pills.. then calling me.. knowing that i will go from 0-100 in a sec.. Its been a close cut a couple of times, with ambulance and cpr.. so if i dont drop everything and run to her, i know it might be to late.. And Its such a cruel manipulation, that i just dont know how to stop her..

[@afour9618]

Her life is in the Lord's hands. One day no one will be able to save her from her foolishness and selfishness.

[@narcbegone1507]

It is not your job to "not let her die". Her life is not in her child's hands, how cruel and messed up in the head is she? What a manipulative drama queen. Do not fall for her manipulation, you have no control over her mental state. Next time she threatens, call emergency service. Let professionals handle her sickness, you are not responsible, at all!

[@flowjob3813]

You should put her in a facility if she so clearly is a danger to herself. Easy to say, I know... But try please

[@popatezyates190]

Im in the same situation its awfull

[@skh770]

I recommend looking at the videos on narcissists by The Little Shaman here on youtube. That is a narcissists nasty trick.

[@greenbeagle13]

Wow, this explains so, so, so much... I was the caretaker of my mother and the brunt of her horrible decisions (marrying alcoholics - one who decided to commit sexual battery against my sister and I). I was stuck in a trailer behind a bar in Biloxi, MS because I was always trying to get $100.00 so I could give to my mother to move away from a physically abusive drunk she married. I know now that she never wanted to be rescued. My sister eventually died of cancer as a result of her own alcoholism, her son (who I told her to abort) is in prison for 30 years..., and I resent him thinking I am a "relative" and "should" send him money and "parent" him. I know he had a horrific childhood, but I am just as wounded as he is. This is an amazing video... Thank you.

[@lizafield9002]

Green Beagle, you're my hero. Thank you for all that you tried to do as a kid, & all you overcame. You are also a great WRITER, & should write this story down for a book. It would help others, & bring light to this well- hidden, common, rarely- discussed situation. God bless you, great soul!

[@glitterjasmin975]

Thank you so much for this video. I'm an adult, but I still feel responsible for the happyness of other people - because my parents basically told me that their happyness depended on my actions and my behaviour. I remember when I moved out of the family house for university and wanted to have my own appartment, my mom cried and said: "I must have been such a bad parent, why else would you want to leave me?" It took me years to realize that I was not a bad person in this moment for leaving, and that it was my right to start my life on my own. Understanding the impact of being a parentified child really opened my eyes. Again, thank you so much for this video.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Jasmin... Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop (Also if you sign up and cannot attend you will get a full video of the workshop and all the workshop notes)

[@tattedupelizabeth5268]

No one talks about the oldest child’s role. Especially if that child is a daughter. I often think, is my whole purpose in life? to deal with my parents and their F’ed up marriage, or their “traumas”. Is this it? This is my whole life? I’m at the point, where I blow up at my parents, when evolving me in their crap. Btw, it’s a daily occurrence. But I have have only blown up a few times. I’m literally at my Witts end. I’m made to feel like my mom is going to go back into suicidal depression, if I do anything for myself. Even dating, I’m made to feel guilty, due to my dad being a crappy husband. I’m 34, I’ve never had a romantic relationship that last longer than 3 months. I have no kids and no friends. I love my mom so much, I love my father so much. But, I’m angry that I have made so many sacrifices all for them to still be so unhappy. It makes me angry. While brothers are thriving, happily married with kids. Yet I’m the one stuck dealing with my parents. They give my brothers their very best selves, I get the bs. Im mad and jealous my brothers left me behind to deal with my parents crappy marriage and finances issues. I had dreams, I had wants. Why me

[@anetab2917]

this^ my life

[@renatagrishko]

Now the Q is not why you, but what you gonna do with this experience and the information you got?Will you work with your inner child, will you take time to love and take care of yourself, will you make less contact with toxic ppl in your life ?…so anything as such - that would help you to find yourself and start living a life, still lots of year ahead, better not to fall into victimhood but take your life back and heal and change everything for yourself . It’s not easy and fast, but it it’s possible even if by baby steps. I hope now after a year you feel much better and whatever triggers come your way you are able to find the roots to them and bring some peace into yourself at that moment. …My feelings, they come and go. I’m safe.I am my own self…..

[@y.peffle2802]

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, female and the way to get out of this is LEAVE like yesterday . I left at 19 and never looked back. It was hard but I made it.

[@miriam100ful]

I think you need to start using some of the strategies therapists suggest to get your life back. Don't wait for them to change, they won't. Start by having healthy boundaries, and having time to yourself for self care without feeling guilty. You sound really worn out. You are not responsible for your mother's depression or how she is feeling. I'm an empath, my mother is the narcissist , so I know exactly where you are coming from. Jerry has great advice, I just found his channel recently.

[@am_andastarseed9642]

Thank you so much Jerry. I have been trying to figure myself out watching You Tube videos for almost 2 years self isolated. My father had Schizophrenia and mom is physically/verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive with OCD. I honestly thought everyone experienced the same thing in their homes. I am lost but not giving up hope. Thank you for your wonderful way of explaining.

[@michellewei7349]

Wow. Your post is like the shadow of my life!

[@alexbaird2670]

Thank you for this Jerry. I am a parentified scapegoat child of a narc mother / family system. Struck a very strong cord.

[@Chrls5]

Hello, i was sent here by "Soul GPS" and i am shocked!!, you just described my life :O i was really unaware that this even existed!, Thank you so much!!

[@sterbprepper4798]

So much content on the internet discusses the causes and outcome but rarely describes tips to overcoming. Of course the first step is knowledge and acknowledgement.. The fact that we are looking this up shows us that we want to break the cycle and find true everlasting love. My hope is we all recover from the wounds dont blame them but work on ourselves on things that we have control over. God bless you

[@serenaatallah641]

I didn't even register that I was a parentified child until a friend of mine told me. After watching this video I understand now that so much of what I've been experiencing with my parents was emotional parentification. Any argument I had with them I was assumed to have ill intent and it was ultimately my responsibility to heal them whenever their feelings were hurt. Though the rarely, if ever, acknowledged or took responsibility for the way they hurt me. Couple that with doing whatever I could to please them and live up to their expectations and failing almost all the time. An impossible mission indeed. I've been moved out of my family's home for a year now and live a life I feel really comfortable and happy with but because it's not the life my parents envisioned for me they're disappointed and think that I'm selfish. I guess moving on for me is going to be focussed on living guilt and shame free for simply living how I want to live, and continuing to put greater distance between me and my dysfunctional family system. It is not my responsibility to heal all of the family's feelings and try to fix or change people. The best way to make change here is to keep choosing healthier behaviors and to let my inner child live the life she didn't get before.

[@cnukem]

This gave me more insight on my parents, thank you very much

[@eetadakimasu]

Thank you for another affirming video! Often if I'd bring up the burden I'd be told 'well no one asked you to' but if things weren't done I was to blame

[@KatieM786]

This is me. One of the things I struggle with the after effects of parentification is that I (for very good reasons based on experience) don't/can't trust my mother to see to important things in an efficient and timely manner. I am very much put into "the fixer" role. But then it's "oh you're so organised" and I'm like "well someone has to be". And then after the situation dies down I realise that I bloody well did it again - I inconvenienced myself and allowed their lack of responsibility to become my emergency and just jumped in to fix it without a second thought. I'm working hard on changing this. Edited to add: I haven't lived with my mother for almost 20 years.

[@wickidflash]

It took me watching it again to understand- omnipotence, because we have been taught that we have the power to make or break others’ (our parent’s) feelings, and victimhood because the attempts to fix, fail. If we have the power, and we fail, it must be because of sabotage. What a convoluted pathology! It’s like a model of the universe with the earth in the center. It keeps getting more and more complicated, the more problems with it are discovered.. thank you so much for this video!

[@leeboriack8054]

Jerry, thank you for your liberating and freeing videos. Parentification also leads to being a golden child and power play with siblings.

[@jerrywise]

I'm so happy for you, thanks for your kind words... I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…

[@shaylinn4180]

The comment about the power play with siblings is so accurate. I was a parentified child, and it caused a lot of issues with my siblings growing up. Thankfully, things are better with my siblings now.

[@singtoangels]

Parentifying a child is a much different matter than expecting your child to have duties and responsibilities around the house. I think that needs more clarification. It's when the emotional parentification is added to expecting a child to help a bit more around the house because one parent left or died is completely different. I was parentified but it had nothing to do with chores it was more about taking care of myself and my own parent emotionally and taking care of myself physically. However I insist that my own children do chores and learn how to cook, clean, and sew because not only do I think that families should ALL contribute no matter how small but I want my children to be trained now how to be functional adults later. I still give them time to be children and I make sure that they always know that Mom and Dad have all the big stuff taken care of. There's no reason for them to worry about bills being paid or to take care of us emotionally. Too many people infantilize their children as a backlash to their own parentification and that's even worse in my opinion than to parentify your child.

[@corinneharrison9113]

She got mad at me when I said I was too scared to go downtown to pay the phone bill. I was in grade 5.

[@nabilc1667]

Should kids contribute with those chores? Is that your expectation of them? But how?

[@singtoangels]

@@nabilc1667 yes I expect our children to all help clean and cook. We look at it as training them to be adults with us to guide them. Even as young as two years old they could fold washcloths and put away silverware. It wasn't perfect but we show them again the next time and it gets better every time. This used to be standard stuff parents taught their children. It's important for their self respect and dignity.

[@nabilc1667]

@@singtoangels Is there some sort of punishment if they do not help or clean the house if I may ask? Because I think what you are doing is actually great if it is adviced for them to help if they can. But what if they do not want to do it?

[@singtoangels]

@@nabilc1667 if they don't want to help, tough titties. Everyone in the house is expected to contribute. My oldest daughter has ODD and ADHD. If she doesn't do her daily chores she has her privileges taken away. By this point she's lost her phone and her ability to go hang out with her friends. And she doesn't get any points, which is what we give when chores are completed and they turn those in for money. So you do your chores and get money and TV time or whatever. Don't do your chores, you get nothing. My oldest two children have issues my younger children don't have like autism and ADHD so that skews things but the neurotypical kids do fine with the chores and points system.

[@Mindsetolympics]

Parents were either indifferent about me, cherished me or yelled at. Wear and tear on my attachment style and functioning in the world :/

[@LinYouToo]

🙋‍♀️ role reversal right here. ACOA. I feel like you’re describing my entire life.

[@gracet.3789]

thank you for making us feel seen ❤

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Thank you for watching… “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events

[@janiececooper6758]

I was parentified as a child, I bore the burdens of too much, my maturity at 8 was a trauma response, I also am a CSA survivor that my mother scapegoated to protect the pedophile because she didn't;t want her golden child son to face shame, my life has been hell up till age 50 when I found all this info, I started counseling, worked two jobs to leave a very abusive marriage, went no contact with the family of origin currently studying to get a degree and began my own FB support group for narc family survivors and thrivers (The Scapegoated Warriors), without info like your platform I may be stuck but here I am a year later on this very important journey of healing & awareness and leading a healthier life, Thank U!

[@jerrywise]

I’m so happy that you are healing and leading a healthier life. It’s a life long journey, keep it up and stay focused on your own functioning ❤️

[@elizabethseiden8386]

Godbless you Jerry! You're videos have touched me n allowed me to understand the unhealthy guilt in my life. Eventhough i don't have my own kids, i felt like a replacement for my grandma. Last Christmas eventhough i was homeless i sent my dad over $1000 worth of gifts n my dad still acted like a spoiled brat who wasn't satisfied with the giftcards n frozen meat i sent him which cost $100 to send from Austin tx to Maryland. The 1st time he said thanks it was genuine. The 2nd time he complained the ribs n 3 packs of bacon were too spicy but he liked the ham. I'm not sure why i cant let go but I'm glad i found you Jerry! Maybe I can finally let go with your help!

[@bettyluu408]

I don’t think I’ve ever cry this much in my life. I’ve never been the one who knows how to cry or give myself permission to cry. It’s a deep dark place of loneliness and despair 😢

[@NikNik-zr1zx]

This video is informative and validating. I didn't know this was a thing. Thanks for the video! I was expected to do laundry for the entire household. I had to cook and clean since I was the oldest daughter. I was the middle child. I had to help with the household budget and help make decisions on which bills to pay when I was in elementary school. I wasn't able to be a child. I was criticized when I made mistakes. I suffer from anxiety, low self esteem and depression. Even relatives would criticize me if I didn't take on adult responsibilities. My younger sister was able to have fun and enjoy life. I would get in trouble when my sister made mistakes because I was responsible for her. We are only 2 years apart in age.

[@inolofatsenglekaba5026]

I'm an adult who was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s and I totally believe it was partly caused by my parentified child...my parents are still under functioning, my now adult siblings' mistakes are my fault and not being able to prevent them leads to my parents increased stress in their old age. My parents actually say this to me any chance they get. I'm tired.

[@y.peffle2802]

nope it's your parents fault. You're not responsible for siblings. I'm the oldest of 5 kids, 1 brother was drug addict in and out of jail , rest of us lead pretty normal lives but still with emotional issues. My narc dad things that since 1 out of 5 was a drug addict it must mean he did a great job as a parent. He was the worst parent

[@Ninja-ty4lw]

Thanks for this video. Cried the whole 20 minutes of it and I finally feel understood.

[@jerrywise]

That’s so wonderful Ninja “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events

[@liberatedforpurpose8443]

You too? Painful to hear, but I have finally felt understood.

[@she_is_empress7395]

Dr. Wise, you are such a gift to us; I don't have words to do it justice. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@jerrywise]

You are very very welcome, thanks for being part of the community ❤️

[@johnobrien7860]

Reminds me of my endless job of collecting my father from village pub... where he indulged in his alcoholic habit. I would wait outside and sometimes I had to go in to fetch him... I felt so self conscious.

[@olilumgbalu5653]

There was actually a story of a 9 y.o. girl driving her drunk father home from the bar about 10 to 12 years ago or so.

[@elyssajohnson4745]

I’m 22 and I feel 50

[@NubianOne]

I say the same about myself. I pray we both find freedom. ❤️

[@elyssajohnson4745]

@@NubianOne it’s a new time for us! God is moving through and healing the abused. It’s our time!

[@NubianOne]

@@elyssajohnson4745 Amen 🙏🏾

[@kunalshitole3419]

Yes sometimes i feel or act like an adult who saw everything in Life Is this trauma?

[@nessahughes4175]

Eldest child usually used emotionally then more

[@CreamIceMs]

Usually the eldest child or the most "compassionate/sensitive" child who is usually more willing to adopt caretaking

[@greenbeagle13]

@Anthony Chaves - Well, that is an "intelligent" comment... hahahaha

[@jessicam5712]

@@CreamIceMs unfortunately I was both, my parents divorced and they both parentified me

[@CreamIceMs]

@@jessicam5712 I'm so sorry... It's not easy

[@jessicam5712]

@@CreamIceMs No, but I'm working on my boundaries and processing my feelings regarding that time, it was mostly when I was a teen but it was still tough to put boundaries in place

[@annegalloway8867]

It’s like Jerry has the map of my life.

[@tracymartin5039]

wow... this is truth. I am finding out about this since my mom died, I am just now learning I have no idea how to self care.

[@vikkicarr3255]

You nailed this! I’m 46 years old and my mom thinks I’m her best friend.? she’s extremely jealous of anyone who’s in my life. She dislikes my husband for no reason. She curses me out, and have called me a whore in heated arguments. She says I’m selfish etc. She’s a drug addict whom have went from one failed relationship to another. She tells about her drug needs and even talks to me about her sex life. When l tell her it makes me uncomfortable knowing her personal life she lashes out at me which usually makes me coware down.🤷🏿‍♀️ In spite of all of this abuse l’ve managed to become a productive adult as far as my career and decisions are concerned. I was an adult since l was 10 years old. I know this is TOXIC! It’s funny because she tells me she loves me all the time. In my heart l don’t believe that. I need to get her out of my life permanently because at this point I’m very unhappy. Not suicidal or anything like that. I just want to be free of her!!!!!!!!

[@evawasteson1296]

❤

[@chaoscultus]

50 and finding out this explains so much. Almost everything because there’s some other stuff added to this. I’ve been working on myself for about 14 years now and I accept that I’m damaged goods with very limited potential for “fixing” my life but I still try to keep on the path so I don’t loose all hope and off myself. But this topic sooo explains my life.

[@JesusSavesYou101]

Jerry, I can't thank you enough for making this video. I am in a healing journey right now an the Lord used this video to help me feel understood and have guidance of next steps. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cant wait to watch your childhood video. I having to learn how to have fun!

[@unamcnoon777]

Same as below. Millions of thanks for your awesome work!!! You are definitely contribuiting to the progress of humanity with your studies. Cheers!

[@jerrywise]

Wow, thank you! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@Denise-y2c]

Jerry, you described me in this video. At age 3, I was made to take care of Mother/ her emotional self.

[@MusicAddictAda]

Thank you Jerry, you're one of the kindest and wisest people who have helped me over time. All the best to you!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional

[@MusicAddictAda]

@@jerrywise Thank you Jerry, it's frustrating but I cannot participate in your workshops. However I will support your channel and invite friends to do the same, as I have shared your videos a number of times. I wish you good health so that you can enjoy life at the fullest :)

[@VengefulPolititron]

me: expressed an opposite opinion mom: nobody cares about what I want. my interests and needs don't matter. nobody cares about mom.

[@jerrywise]

So sad... Thanks for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events

[@VengefulPolititron]

@@jerrywise thanks Jerry wise. you're videos have been comforting

[@KeepPrayingCA]

God this video is so so freeing! Makes me want to cry. Every word is 1000% true. Thank u so so so much. Wow.

[@andriadurney2938]

This was the first video of yours that I saw Jerry and I still find it one of the best - suddenly everything makes sense!! In the less than two weeks since I first saw it I have made so many changes in how I treat and see myself. Thanks for your invaluable work Jerry, I have already shared this video with a good friend who I think could relate to it as well

[@foxybyproxy]

hello. thank you for taking the time to send these messages. when the student is ready, the teacher will appear- i think this phrase/notion may finally be applicable to me. i'm all ears and hopeful, even. kinda in shock, actually, lol. you rock!

[@LJH83]

Absolutely spot on! Great video - thank you 🙏🏼

[@alphanotmale1847]

Wow Jerry! This is absolutely enlightening! Such an eye opener! All this information helped me understand so much more where my problems come from! Which is definitely pivotal to tackle them, of course

[@mr.anindyabanerjee9905]

Wonderfully justified concepts of separation-individuation & differentiation. Thanks Sir Jerry 🙏😘

[@jerrywise]

You're most welcome

[@katiamikriukova]

Thank you Jerry, although it's still painful to listen to..and to realize over and over again that you were used for almost all of your life to satisfy immediate selfish needs of someone..also when this someone thinks very highly of him/herself and pretends to be taken care of when aging as well..this is pure abuse and, what makes it even more sad, socially acceptable. I wish people could learn this at their youngest age. Thanks again, what you're doing is priceless ❤️

[@sunshinexoxo3052]

Thank you SO MUCH for this video. I am almost brought to tears hearing this and feel so sorry for the child me. Mission impossible: you couldn't picked a better title! THANK YOU

[@9000ck]

Dear Mr Wise, thankyou. I am determined to be a normal person, not an exceptional one. signed; emotionally parentified child.

[@Denise-y2c]

T his was alot to take in. It was so real. It was talking about me, my life It was odd. Now I feel like crying, yet,have relief.

[@tammymurphy1268]

Yup spot on and thank you for shari g this! I was one on these kids and it makes it very confussing bei g young and when older.....blessings

[@alinecardoso9668]

It was exactly what has happened with me, I had no idea, I always feel suffocated, with difficult to create bond with others, especially romantically. A couple of years ago I decided to search for a therapist, at the time I didn't like it and never come back to the sessions, but because of what was told me, I made a lot of researches and I think I was put in a position that it was meant to be of an adult to occupie.It wasn't up to me to be my father's companion, because he and my mother were always arguing with each other. I believe that my father didn't mean to do that, but it was very prejudicial to my life as a whole.

[@Luziemagick]

My mother..everything bad happen in the world..my fault..what a horrible time.

[@Ivy23790]

Great video. Thank you so much. 🙏

[@MindBodyStorm]

This resonates so well with my situation......

[@ileanaprofeanu7626]

A few days ago I was thinking of a falling out with a friend and I concluded that it was 90% my fault, after careful consideration. It would be funny if it wouldn't be sad. Also, this video made me very angry! But also somewhat redeemed. It brings into stark focus how emotionally immature my parents were. Like little children throwing tantrums. Thank you!

[@Elisavieta]

Dear Jerry, thank you for your insightful videos and the work you do

[@44suiluJ]

Thank you sir. This information is very important to see what i have to fix. Again a piece of the puzzle. ❤

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@BeingBrandy]

This is very helpful. Thank you!!

[@rhythmoflove2]

That's deep, thanks Jerry.

[@gentiballazhi2878]

Best video I’ve seen. Thank you!!

[@virginiasmith5278]

This video really resonates with me, thank you for making it!

[@theonejokeking3191]

By the time I was 19 and out of the house I wanted my tubes tied because I was done raising kids lol. I was a parentified child who was the oldest of five and often the only one with them and responsible for them. The wildest part is that around the age of ten OTHER PEOPLE would drop their kids off for me to watch in huge groups. I would have all ages ranging from 2-my own age. I could not imagine trusting a ten year old watching a large group to keep my child safe. I did though, I had super structured systems to make sure I kept everyone safe. I can’t remember the stress I must of felt. I’m sure it was astronomical. Everyone just sort of boasted and praised me for being so mature for my age. I don’t think I had a choice. I remember wanting to do things like go to a sleepover, but being told I had to babysit/parent kids/siblings because parents deserve a break. 😂 bro. Anyways, I’m now a professional caregiver and get an enormous sense of purpose from helping others and taking care of their needs. No idea who I might have been otherwise. I actually don’t like working with people that much. It’s very stressful and draining.

[@joanhenry650]

Sounds exactly what I did growing up and still do today.. trying to learn how to step down.

[@kanu5977]

Wow! The story of Sarah is exactly like mine.

[@harmonyspacecenter7668]

Thank you so much. So grateful

[@Godlywoman88]

Both my parents cme up short for me and my sister emotionally. Me and my sister had to learn how to take care of the house early and care for both of them in different ways. They also both mostly worried about themselves. Into adulthood, I felt a burden and a guilt to live my own life. I felt some need to control them in adulthood too, with making sure they care for themselves physically, or are otherwise okay emotionally. As a child I rmebe trying to care for my dad when he came home angry and unleashed via dissatisfaction that nothing was prepared for him on his arrival, walking on eggshells to see if he was happy with the tomatoes I was cutting. Dad was critical and controlling through the years and self-care wasn't ever mentioned growing up. I didn't even know you're were supposed to go to the dentist every 6 months b/c we didn't really do that so a few of my teeth rotted out when young. We didn't go to the doctor either unless something was very wrong. I learned to push until I couldn't anymore and don't start learning until well into adulthood how to care for myself properly.

[@irisbloom5620]

Yes, I like Jerry, too. He seems like the parent I did not have. And I am fifty! :)) I keep thinking that a child does not at the time have the tools to analyze her/his feelings and circumstances. A child just adapts to the circumstances. I do not remember ever having been a child. That tells a lot about my parents parenting- I think and in my own experience, a child understand when something´s not fair, when someone´s not been treated fairly. A child understands when a parent is being mistreated unjustly by the other parent. Child can read a parents emotional pain. However, now at this age, I am only understanding what happened (intellectual concepts) in my childhood. It is like I am watching a film which was filmed a long time ago. And while it was filmed, I had no idea what was going on. I was just a child adapting to life which I had. Now, it is as if I am watching that film and NOW understanding what happened, what my childhood was like, what my parents were like, what their problems were and what issues they carried as a package from their childhoods ad from my grandparents. - How can I put this. IN SOME WAY, this sense of knowing what ´happened in the film` (instead of kind of being part of the film, being in it` ) IS THE MOST painful thing. Even more painful than my childhood. A child kind of does not know her/his life is painful. Now I know all the pain that was there in all those people, and it is terrible. Now I know what consequences certain things had in the lives of the people involved. Now I really need the tools to move on and leave it all behind me. AND I wonder if it´s at all possible. I do not know if you get my meaning. People being taken to the holocaust did not know what was going on, what was happening to them. They were suffering and mistreated, but they did not know what was going on. If those people were able (and some were)to watch the whole ´story`on film, they would have understood what really was going on. THAT would have been a horrible intellectual pain. Knowing. So, I do not know if knowing is such a good thing. On the other hand, I am awake and I understand where I am, but watching my childhood as if on a film, it´s painful to watch it ad to know.

[@marietjieluyt7619]

God bless you.

[@iStorm-my5fp]

This is spot on

[@andreeaistrate2222]

This is affecting me so much, I'm in my 30s and I lost the courage to be myself of the fear of not being accepted. People are telling me I am very hard to talk to and usually I cannot keep friends for too long. All my life I felt my duty was to make sure my mother is ok as my dad was not contributing. I would feel guilty for spending time with my friends instead of helping my mom. At this day I cannot find anything to love or appreciate about myself.

[@jerrywise]

This sounds hard and complex. Awareness of this dynamic and functioning is the first step in the journey of healing ❤️

[@kristinehorn6402]

Thank Jerry, that was incredibly helpful ❤

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@baptm727]

Answering your questions in the begining : YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES and yeah

[@elizabethseiden8386]

My dad told me when I was 11 he said "how dare you cook food for yourself n not you're brother!" My mom would cry n breakdown that my dad didn't wanna work hard like Billy's dad. She liked Billy's dad cuz he had a beautiful house for his wife n was never around cuz he worked so hard. We moved once a year from a huge 5 bedroom house to a small 3 bdrm apartment. When my dad watched the news he would tell me to shut up when i talked to him n he'd tell me which reporter was hot or had a horse face. I'm the oldest daughter of 3 plus he has twin daughters from his 2nd marriage. He's too broke to raise those 10 year old kids at 74. When i sent him a $100 Outback Steak house giftcard he had his daughters say thank u to me cuz now he could afford to take them out for their 10th birthday!

[@sungirl9951]

Unbelievable

[@smartcatcollarproject5699]

Makes me think of this movie... "Boy" kzbin.info/www/bejne/e4SnZKCinNWGra8

[@karenhenderson9476]

🎵Strumming my pain with your fingers, singing my life with your words...🎵 Pow, Jerry! Have you had a microchip in my brain/heart/gut, recording my life experience from childhood 'til now? Wow. I'm outdoors literally weeding an overweeded rock bed, listening to this message that affirms the choking off of my life by my experience of the weeds of parentification. Pow.

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad it resonated❤️

[@bigballs3095]

This definitely explains a lot about my messed up passed.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Super helpful and linked ideas together ❤️

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@tyhuiteresa]

You make me feel like a failure That's exactly what my mom said to me

[@alexrusso8364]

Thank you so much for making this video

[@sy5545]

Very good video..

[@Dragon34th]

Thank you sir. I read about codepency which found so interesting a subject but covert incest parentification is new to my little knowledge of psychology 🤔

[@mallory5872]

I think I'm a parentified sibling.

[@sterbprepper4798]

Lol what is that?? Your little sibling looks to you as an adult?

[@alphanotmale1847]

mallory me too!!!!!!! That happened to me!!!!!!!

[@alphanotmale1847]

TURBO Prepper it’s actually the other way around, you ignorant bully! Your parents leave you with your older siblings to be your caregivers, but as soon as they have a chance, they reverse the caregiver roles so that the younger takes charge and becomes the one to blame for everything! DOCUMENT YOURSELF! Why do you even watch these videos if you’re going to make fun of other people’s misfortune?!?

[@alphanotmale1847]

bro momento how would you feel if I made fun of a traumatic experience you went through? Or if I asked questions ridiculing you because I don’t understand you?

[@alphanotmale1847]

bro momento you’ve actually thought about me to the point of coming back to give me a “reminder”, yet you are the one telling me to move on? Talk about a narc applying projection! You’re the one who’s tripping dude

[@meyou2961]

Goodness, your childen are very lucky indeed! Everyone of your videos regarding narcassism and parentification have been insightful, informative, helpful and refreshing. And moe to the point eerily relatable. Problem is I am turning into the same character as her. More videos on healing narcassistic children of narcassists would be great. Thank you for your help.

[@jerrywise]

I was not a perfect parent by any means. but thank you Jerry

[@thecicko2]

thank You

[@Amanda-vc1lp]

Great video 👌

[@jerrywise]

Thank you so much and thank you for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events