Narcissistic Father or Mother: Deadly Beliefs they Instilled in You

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@1ReikiFloW]

you do great work, another good one, but I want to point out that pharma is new age fake science and they teach their glorified salesmen that money is in treating, not in curing. Since its inception, looking at the reaility, they harmed more people than they ever helped, their studies and result are all geared toward proving their points to sell more pills and hence they love pretending they can diagnose and of course they love inventing mental illnesses names for it and pathologizing everyone. Yet, the only ones who always have issues are pharma users and let me share that most people who are not asleep never use pharma aka nnew age sub science. Real medicine is available to all, nobody knows better than the person in the body what to do and if instead of teaching m ind control in those pathetic governmental schools of doom they taught useful stuff everyone would have an idea how to self soother, how their body works with the rest of the bodies we are comprised of and it would certainly not be about money. I really wish people who are non vegan and use ph arma realize they are part of the evil whether because they chose to or are so uninformed to not realize it. Pharma is not medicine in my books and I never consented to anything they do and just like me many others and since my body my choice I really find it ridiculous when people try to push that stuff on others. If people want to use it, go right ahead, but to claim it is medicine and try to impose on all of us is a bit too much and moving forward I am afraid, after their latest pun in 2020, many more people will join this group. BTW, according to Fauci we were all supposed to be dead, yet I haven't been jabbed in over 25 years and I am only doing better from long term chronic pain I was born with~ Proof is in the pudding. I bet many pharma users who are no longer here or have been maimed for life under the pretense of keeping them safe, wishe they listened to one of us who never use -pharma and yet never tried to impose our ways on others. Respect is a two way street and pharma fake care shows none, otherwise they would self distruct as they are useless as NASA is. Real truth never came out from them.

[@Proj.A.Z]

I learned another thing about my Mother..that she never had children but to fulfill the wants and needs of my Dad… I always had an inkling that my Dad is an overt narcissist…but I only understood it clearly in considering how well she exploited US to benefit my Dad and her vision of what we are to them… That’s why I now don’t see her as a victim…she is covert narcissist! She has been terribly helpful in violating our human rights just to sustain her relationship with my father. Pardon me in saying this but both of my parents don’t give two PHUC’s about me and my brothers and sisters! I can honestly say my overall family will be at peace once they both have passed! Two of the most harmful people I have ever collaborated with in life! I know I am abnormal but I also hate them both… ….for making me think they cared…in my youth! I feel terribly lied to!!! Thank you for this video presentation.

[@michignamymichigan]

Don't tell them your opinion, even about the weather. They will use it against you.

[@rebellaire55]

Yep. That is why I almost does not day everything to my ND.

[@MCat-yv3hl]

I get it. I’ve had one argue with me about the weather forecast.

[@rebellaire55]

@@MCat-yv3hl same here. Even the most basic normal people stuff

[@AJColasurdo]

😂❤

[@DawnGreen-wn4hr]

Boom!

[@georgianagheorghe8848]

I'm fed up with the unhealthy mindset that we are indebted to our parents, that we have to respect them even if they ruin our lives. I'm fed up with wasting my life to take care of them and tend to their needs at the expense of my wellbeing and health. I want to live my own life.

[@Dearones-yb8ig]

This

[@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn]

The Bible says, 'do not provoke your children to anger' 😢

[@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn]

It's all hopeless for you'...

[@srtbluekat6748]

Please take care of yourself! You can over come the disregulation that came from the systems feeling. Also, the need to care for them is not real it's a false sense they programmed you to do. We have to come out of being hypnotized by the system they placed inside of us.

[@maryvegas7712]

Observe and Don't Absorb. This will take practice. My Mother uses emotional manipulation, guilt and shame.

[@dharavasishth]

It's so hard, i feel so bad that I internalised it but it's good to know I have my share of power otherwise I felt crushed by her energy and good choice of words

[@jwhite5396]

I can see where my mother lured me into reactive abuse scenario’s. I’m glad to know I don’t have to react at all. Will she implode??😊

[@mister_oj_zen7345]

I believe in you Mary, yes it is extremely hard at the beginning. The more and more we understand that everybody can change, it's more then likely we have to get comfortable with the uncomfortably understanding. Your mother as well as mine won't change, due to the fact they have been living there life getting by how your mother is doing to you Mary. Keep it Groovy.

[@elhadjdiallo633]

Knowledge and education is the key to transform and change every living human soul including the animals as well ....narcs have ruined billions lives in this universe especially kids and adults as well who are not literate and have no notion on narcissists bullies etc..kids are dropping out of school etc due to the bullies and toxic defective people that existed in this universe!!! If i get a chance and opportunity to transform every living souls who are suffering from these symptoms I would in the future by the grace of God etc...stay safe out there sister 🙏!!@ take care of yourself know your worth and value !!! Never and ever chase love know your worth you are e enough !@@

[@wayneelliott1180]

They are absolute masters at it. Grey Rock is the best method if we cannot go No Contact.

[@LR-yu3mx]

Narc parents are a burden for their children. They are children in the body of a grown-up

[@georgianagheorghe8848]

Well said. The narc parents are like demons with the face of a human.

[@ProfessorBae08]

Agree. Agree. Agree.

[@omarra6781]

"We've learned to give the narcissistic parent way too much power". We've also given them too much credit. Too much credit for being smart or smarter than us and everybody around us, too all knowing, too talented, too skilled, too influential (as kids are apt to do)... It's only once we get older and gain some experience that we realize what has happened and what's been done to us and we realize how frail and breakable those people really are. And that WE have the power. The power to ignore, dismiss, and cut off.

[@satyasatya6694]

Beautifully written

[@omarra6781]

@@satyasatya6694 Thank you!

[@valerier4308]

Not all are frail! Some are strong enough to continue to try to wield their power over and abuse of others all their lives! IMHO. That's been my experience. I agree that we DO have power over how WE respond.

[@こなた-m1o]

absolutely liberating to read!!! thank you for sharing omarra and bless you

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

I never once thought my parents were that smart. It’s why they always abused the crap out of me.

[@penelopecarrington2337]

I spent most of my 60 year old life believing I am defective until my mum climbed into my ex husband's car and went off for the Christmas holidays with him half an hour after I told her we were getting divorced... That changed my life and forced me to see things for what they are and move away forever. I have become my own witness protection agent and block anyone who attempts to scapegoat me or get toxic with me. I've been called selfish, unkind, unreasonable, mad, bad, impossible, irrational... It still hurts but the hurt eases as my strength grows.

[@MyKrabi]

Become your own witness protection programme - that is wonderful!

[@KBArchery]

Yes!!! I had a terrible counselor when I tried to bring this up!! She said oh you should have compassion on your mom so I reached out to my mom only to have her almost destroy my marriage and relationship w one of my daughters!! Never again! No contact for 2 years

[@bunny19-xk5mj]

Damn...that's scary

[@karmadog4565]

Most “therapists” are so far left it’s ridiculous. They usually are as mentally ill or more than the clients they are supposedly helping. I advise great caution when trying to find a therapist….buyer beware!

[@Marie-ts8rp]

90% suck & make u feel worse😮😢​@@karmadog4565

[@bohofoto6929]

@@karmadog4565😂😂😂far right, you mean

[@karmadog4565]

@@bohofoto6929 no far left....I work with them. They're all far left.

[@JNaomic970]

Oddly enough I knew at age 8 I was in a looney tunes family. Later, in counseling, I got the tools to handle it. Finally told my narc mom she can call me any name in the book and it just doesn’t matter. I told her I knew I was a nice person and she can think what she wants. None of my family rattle me anymore. I just stare at them and don’t respond.

[@scootergirl3662]

Good on you I did the same with my father. When I do have to deal with him for financial or legal purposes, that I can’t avoid, I ignore his rantings and tell him that there are plenty of other people he can go rant to - he doesn’t need me for that.

[@MirabaiDasiGRS]

I told my mom at this age that I worry about her soul.

[@DawnGreen-wn4hr]

I remain silent and it shocks her. She knows that she is being mean & nasty.

[@anniesenol9858]

My dad was the adult child of an alcoholic dad. My therapist called my dad a dry drunk.

[@Red-Iceberg]

I KNEW something was wrong with my mom. I TOTALLY rebelled as an Adult so I ended up moving across the state, My mom tells my siblings and even has called my son and told him and them I WAS the CRAZY one.

[@LR-yu3mx]

Yes that's what they do! When my husband deteriorated and mortified into a psychitic state, my narc mother phoned thd eldest of my children, as well as the gay minister of our church (the bloke resigned shortly after it) to tell them I was the reason. When he came home from the psychiatric ward, he came back to me and said....I was like a mother to him.And we were happy like the 40 years before that.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is a narcissist. He expects me to back up his image, lies! I won't back him up!

[@GinaBrittCo]

I got called crazy too for speaking the truth

[@aleynamutlu4206]

She is the power hunger crazy one to torture innocents and vulnerable to feel in charge and control so in order to not to feel weak ever again and compensate old wounds. Sorry. You are the strong one, you are the divinely protected one that’s what she can’t have and despises you for it. She is actually rebelling divine male in you. Why you protecting this weak but not me ? to her you are ”undeserving” “ inferior” one. She is the “superior” one her ego and jealousy demons in her saying but didnt protect me at the time when I was hurt.

[@amandagish5976]

No, you weren't.

[@AmanoJack]

Yes! Therapists just gloss it over and "focus on now". That's obviously important, but these massive psychological injuries hurt us and wreck our lives every day, and we can't just pretend that we're okay. We've already been doing that our whole lives.

[@jerrywise]

True. I have a video on this kzbin.info/www/bejne/g2rPqnVohrGdnJYsi=TC0HtZiJh5lxMsRc

[@AmanoJack]

@@jerrywise Thank you! And thank you for your videos.

[@sandrab2589]

Since the title of this video is "Deadly Beliefs", I was expecting to hear about the physical damage that narcs do to their victims. Obviously there is psychological harm, but physical ailments are also a product of the relentless abuse. I had constant stomach and digestive issues, asthma, allergies, skin issues, you-name-it. It was not until I went "no contact" with my parents (because they decided to start criticizing my daughter and I would not let that happen), that ALL of my physical problems disappeared. No more allergies or asthma, no more digestive issues, my skin cleared up, my headaches went away. Had I let the abuse go on, I literally could have died. I am now in my 60's and take no medication. When my parents died, the relief was extraordinary. People really need to ask themselves: If they met these people in daily life, at work or socially, would they want them as friends? If the answer is no, then don't keep toxic family around, either. They are doing emotional AND PHYSICAL harm.

[@sadie9386]

Jerry, your discussion about beliefs is so important. Our subconscious beliefs are the driving force in our lives. If a child believes they are bad then they will grow up to create a world based on their 'badness.' So they die twice; once as a child and again as an adult.

[@jerrywise]

Well said

[@Sunny-vm4ry]

Yes, Well said!

[@cwoermann2687]

I want to help I got this so clear when I was younger My mom didn’t get it my mom didn’t want me to be friends with people with issues but we had issues and nobody looked at it only me only me whichThen gives people the idea that I and paranoid and crazy More easily gaslit than ever before Those bullies come from pain and trauma and then it gets more pain and trauma and groups of people I finally understand my dysfunction groups of people gets ugly my mom cared but Adulting can be rough and all the issues nobody worked out with my mother they take out on me because I look just like her I just keep asking God to have mercy on us

[@cwoermann2687]

So sad

[@asdawgs6870]

I went from an enmeshed relationship with my parents to moving out with my girlfriend very suddenly 2 months ago, and every point of contact since then has been “What’s going on with you?” or “Do you not care about your family anymore and want nothing to do with us? Then just say so!” When in reality I’ve been enjoying the freedom of not being in the environment I was for the last 20 years and haven’t figured out the kind of relationship I’d like to have with them. Just yesterday I didn’t answer some of their phone calls and they came to my new place and pounded on my window demanding that I open the door or they’d call the police for a “Wellness Check”. My gf came out (first time meeting them by the way) and observed all this to which my parents made it seem like something is wrong with me and asked her if I was on drugs. The whole experience was embarrassing, and has left me not wanting to have any contact with them for awhile. I’m not sure how to deal with this issue now having been through these events

[@Latoree33]

Normal rules, I can't believe that it took me till I turned 50 yrs old to realize how damaged both sides of the family have been. I've worked on myself for 18 yrs. and they still can't accept the fact that I've become more of truly me. I've created a whole me and I'll be 69 next month the few relatives I have don't care for this person I've become. It's like walking through fire and coming out not burned!

[@Rob9mm]

Very similar story Dee. People can't stand when you become a self!

[@dnk4559]

I so relate to this. I realized my siblings liked the version of me that was anxious and depressed. Recovery work and therapy has brought me through a divorce and given me a new life. I’m happily remarried and have a good life and they can’t stand to be around me now.

[@Latoree33]

@@dnk4559 congratulations, the person you need to validate is yourself you've come a long way. Just know toxic people are still out there and that you're strong enough to be able to say, "No".

[@dnk4559]

@@Latoree33 thank you!

[@erikab1501]

Wow, same here. My family ignore all my good changes and the fact that I am making different decisions based on what's good for me. I am excited to see that I don't even like to hang out with my mom's brother. He is an ass and bully. She allowed this man to ridicule me since a child, and I realized that I do not have to take this anymore. I don't like most of my family members, except for few, they can be worse than total estrangers.

[@Dearones-yb8ig]

Learning all this makes me regret being a good kid to my parents and suppressing my true self to please them....its best to heal regardless cant hold on to the regret forever... thank you Jerry you are an icon❤❤ and a hero .God bless you

[@jerrywise]

💯

[@loekiekanters4295]

There was a time when I wanted more close contact with family members, but the response from narcissistic family members was: if you want more contact, this is not the way, you have to be more this and that! - do and think the way they want you to do. Then I finally realized that less contact is the way and I am becoming much more confident.

[@raphaellavictoria01]

Yup, awareness of narcissism is not a given. Back when I was 21 or 22, I told my father he was trying to control my life. I don't remember any of that. But my father does. He just recently reminded me, in very harsh, angry words, that I had "accused him" of being controlling, and therefore, he'd decided right then that he's out of my life: that he'd only be present, or help me if I asked. This is 20 years of holding an enormous grudge. He'd NEVER contact me first, all these years, only as a reply. I never knew why. Now he told me. My mom died this year. We both grieved, for the first 2 months, and my father almost seemed normal, I'd come to mom's house every day, we'd both spend time together. Then, in that same conversation, he told me, "And I'm sick of playing your father-daughter game!" A game? I was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't quite as narcissistic as I thought...it was no game to me. This was the most hurtful thing ever. Bc it's a projection of his own feelings, on me: it was a game to him. I'm proud of myself for not crying when he told me this. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't cry. I'm never ashamed of crying, but in this case, he knew it would hurt me, but he didn't get to see as much hurt as he probably expected.

[@bohofoto6929]

Wow I’m so sorry

[@bonniekelley1130]

I'm a 70 year old woman. I have only discovered in the last 3 years what hit me. I didn't even know about NPD. I was raised by a violent, abusive mother who sabotaged my life beginning very early (who says to a 7 year old: 'You're never going to amount to anything. You're going to be a criminal and wind up in jail.") This in response to watching cartoons on Saturday morning. My father was an alcoholic by 12 years into this hellish experience. My sister and I, as adults, joked that the fact that we didn't take to drink or drugs was an indicator that we had a lack of initiative. I married, right out of high school, a grandiose narcissist and ended that mess after 24 years. At age 49, married a malignant covert narcissist with psychopathic traits. I didn't discover him until I was 67 years old and that on the occasion of a particularly heinous discard that coincided with my retirement.

[@bohofoto6929]

Bless

[@lisarochwarg4707]

I blame society at large for an ACON's inability to truly see their narcissistic parents as the destructive monsters that they are. Society (or more accurately, the parts of it that count) want abuse victims to shut up. "Shut up!" they scream. "You're destroying the family. Just put up with it." So now we all have to shut up to make social conservatives happy. Because abuse doesn't undermine families, but talking about it does. This pisses me off no end.

[@こなた-m1o]

oh my god you absolutely nailed it!!! thanks for this insight

[@rebellaire55]

Not going to shut up to please the conservatives. My people pleasing era is ending.

[@bereal6590]

Very very true and its reached ridiculous victim shaming proportions.

[@Bronte866]

Those people are not “social conservatives.” They are people who were abused by *their* parents and can’t face it. You are reminding them of all this. If you are still enmeshed with telling people what happened you will continue to have them indicting you. Tell no one except a professional therapist. Child abuse is epidemic. We are barely even beginning to face this let alone properly deal with it. You need no one to validate your very bad experience.

[@mhopwood1]

Narcissists are not monsters. Our wounded inner child or teen may seem them as such. Our inner adult can see that hurt people hurt people.

[@dnk4559]

Thank you Jerry. My Narcissistic parent has passed but you are helping me understand the legacy they left behind and the reason for so much difficulty in my relationships with my siblings. I guess the scapegoat always plays an important role and not just for the toxic parent.

[@pennyc7064]

I can so relate to your comment.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for sharing!

[@vvoss2805]

I can relate... amazing how it follows the victims through life, even after the narc is dead. I wish it wouldn't. I am sick of it.

[@marysullivan3881]

I knew my family was not a Leave It to Beaver family. A friendly loving atmosphere was missing. We were managed and dealt with even at holidays unless outside people were present. Then they were nice. Sadly my siblings absorbed this as the norm. I was the squeaky wheel and a square peg that lead to them bullying me.

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

The very first therapist I had when I was 25 pegged my mom as a Narc. It took 20 years for me to fully understand that term and the toxic dynamic of my family. Finally went no contact with my family last year. Whew 😮‍💨 Free at last 🙏🏾✨💯❤️🙌🏽

[@edgreen8140]

Repression of the truth. And idealize the parents it's sickening. Pervasive denial.

[@marykotuba6901]

I was reading a book by M. Scott Peck called, "People of the Lie," & I recognized the signs of narcissism in my ex husband. As I kept reading, it dawned on me that I had married my mother-I married a man who was so much like my mother, that I got sick to my stomach. I never realized it until i had read M. Scott Peck's book. I escaped both people by leaving & having no contact. My mother always blamed me for everything, & then, my siblings would blame me. I've been accused of running away from problems, but I feel that I run away from the drama caused by intentionally created problems that can never be fixed.

[@jerrywise]

I really loved Peck's book. I hope you were "running away from problems" (problem people) :)

[@fredhubbard7210]

I have known my mother's gig from a time long before Narcissism was so widely known. I learned about it from the DSM-3. Yet until about a year ago, I kept asking myself if I was making it all up. Denial is by far the most difficult obstacle to overcome.

[@Chris-yf2zs]

20:00 avoiding and detaching from their volatility, detaching from theirs beliefs about you, internal/external boundaries, becoming immune to their way of communicating, staying out of triangles with them, handling smear campaigns and flying monkeys, stopping defending self and be strategic instead, all part of being authentic self with narcissists…good example responses included.

[@Reach2929]

My narcissistic mother would treat me as if I could never bring anyone joy. She was a harsh critic. I’m still trying to unlearn treating myself harshly.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

Good point about not focusing on a diagnosis, of anyone really. You end up getting minimized and gaslighted. Instead, you see the traits that run in a pattern. When you get to the point where you can accurately predict how they will act or what they will say in certain situations thats a big red flag. You dont need to have validation from anyone to know you are right. My husband has been shocked a few times wondering how did I know they would do or say that?! Its a pattern. They dont change and react on emotion rather than facts. If they are confronted with their behavior they dont apologize or change their behavior, they get defensive, twist it, project and name call.

[@LittleGirlLost]

I think I'm going to need to relisten to this many times over for it to sink in. I'm 41 and just now learning these things. 41 years of bad habits to break. Hoping I can teach my daughter at an early age these things so she can be much further than I am by my age. Thank you for what you do!

[@karenherrera287]

If I'm giving them the power, then I have the power to stop giving them the power.

[@pamstrauch4372]

I'm 58. 38 yrs ago I went into counseling for ' adult children or alcohol and dysfunctional families'. Just a couple weeks ago I watched one of your videos, and all these memories started popping up as I listened. My mother had NPD. FINALLY, things fell into place. Now, I can start to recover. Thank you so very much for giving me my life back!

[@davehendricks4824]

My mother is the narcissist. My dad was an alcoholic. At Xmas time at age 40. My dad called me a stupid sh-t in front of a small group of relatives. I was in my last 2 weeks of treatment for alcoholism and had been sober for almost 3 months. I was a different person after 24 years as a drunk. I told my dad I was tired of being called that. I then said: how would you like it if I called you that, you stupid sh-t.? Not a word out of his mouth.

[@sarir2749]

Even therapists... even when you tell them... Exactly!

[@bethtaylor9773]

After 34 years in Al-Anon, working a program consistently, I wouldn't take away my abusive background now - because it sometimes helps others see what works. I really like your detachment with love attitude in dealing with narcissistic family members - the specific examples and ways to respond are very workable.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you Beth, I'm glad the video resonated with you and the examples were helpful. Detachment with love is the only real detachment there is. If we aren’t detaching out of love, we aren’t really detaching ❤️

[@sarahpinho1114]

Omg I can't tell you how often my mom repeated that our family is "normal" over my childhood years when I came to her so many times for help..

[@11kiren11]

Thank you for your wonderful work. As a CONP, I think accepting your parent's narcissism can feel a little like giving up on them. Letting them die even. You've been programmed all your life to look out for them, and then, when you cannot take it anymore, you are forced to let them go in a way that looks like abandonment to the rest of the world and, more importantly, to yourself.

[@jessicaabbott10]

3:45 THIS IS ME!!!! I grew up with one parent (dad) that was a substance abuser, and the other (mom) that I just discovered is a narcissist. My dad’s behavior was always undeniable because he up and left us when I was little so that he could put his addiction first. My mom, on the other hand, I felt sorry for and therefore always brushed off her behavior. I’ve been doing some form therapy for the last couple of years and have gone no-contact for over a year, and it’s taken me til the last few months to recognize my mom’s behavior for what it is. I think for me to understand both of my parents behaviors simultaneously, especially growing up, would have been way too overwhelming. I HAD to believe that I had at least one “normal” parent, even though deep down I knew my mother displayed inexcusable and selfish behaviors. As an adult, I moved across the country from the rest of my family. Even though for many years I still had contact with my parents, I was in denial that my dad STILL had a drinking problem (because I obviously wasn’t there anymore in person) and forgot how bad it was til we visited each other. It’s sad because my mom’s cruel behavior drives my dad to drinking. Yet, if my dad got his drinking under control, I believe my mom could be put in her place. I took the blame for a lot of their behaviors growing up, and for my sisters’ behaviors, too. I have two sisters- one turned out just like my dad, the other turned out just like my mom. The best choice I ever made was to go no-contact with all of them, stop beating myself up, and educate myself on narcissistic abuse. I can’t fix anyone in this family. It’s heartbreaking.

[@sarahpinho1114]

I had to go nc for my own protection. Things got legal, and my attorney highly recommended the no contact status. My health since has improved, my focus and concentration, my mood has improved.. everything has improved to the point I feel I've come out of a bad storm. Only now do I feel like a real person.. before I was only surviving and reacting.

[@Austin-ff3nt]

you phrased it really well. That you Arent trying to diagnose other people for legal or medical purposes but to help inform people of where their defecits are. Acon's that search for outside sources of validation arent trying to tell others what's going on, or trying to make others look bad. We are genuinely asking, "am i allowed to believe this" which is part of the problem, we shouldn't have to ask ourselves such questions, others don't understand because they aren't inhibited in that way

[@bereal6590]

Agreed. My last therapist was useless, triggered me all over the place and said my parents are emotionally immature (like err yes I'd worked that out!), then straight into radical acceptance. The acceptance I needed was a safe space for someone outside to look at what's happening and help me understand and stop blaming myself. She just added to my trauma and feeling diamissed (which is what both my parents already do!). They're not feelings people unless it's their feelings!!

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I thank GOD for teaching me as an adolescent not to care what my parents say or think about me. I lost all respect for them as a child. I didn't believe they were my real parents until I was about 10yrs old. I used to think my real parents were coming to take me away with them until I was about 10yrs old. In my early 20s I started distanting myself from my DNA relatives & don't regret that move at all. It's more peaceful without those ppl in my life!!!

[@deena7155]

Yup true. My therapist always says "I can't diagnose your mother". I will tell her "but she is a narcissist".

[@DennisKien]

I'm learning more and more that we do have choices about how we feel despite the voices in out head, the free rent squatters inside. Eviction is in order. Thank you for sharing

[@barbarahill2392]

I have chosen no contact with my narcissistic father for the past 18 months,after the death of my mother. He has turned numerous family members against me despite all the financial help I have given them in the past. I am staying the course and creating a much happier life than I have ever had.I am enrolled in your program and have learned so much from you. Thank you for imparting such wisdom!

[@rbjerineck]

In my case, I would absorb the insults, shaming, and physical abuse from my narc father because I was told it was for my own good, to set me on the "straight road" and stop me from being a total fuck-up. Because I was born bad and wrong, don't you know that.

[@shruthireddy6075]

The thing you said about narcissists is so true Jerry, thier condition prevents them from becoming normal. My narsiccitic mother in law who was so toxic and full of energy to prove to everyone that she is the sweetest and kind person in the family has tried to ruin my relationships directly or indirectly. Now she's weak and fragile exploited by other family members, but not able to understand what went wrong. I feel pity for her. Whereas we victims can come out strong with therapy and help from wonderful people like you, who have set an example for us. Thank you so much Jerry! God bless!

[@jerrywise]

Shruthi, I'm so sorry you went through all this, and I'm glad that my videos were helpful to you, thank you for your support!

[@sallybyrd3712]

I always knew my parents were a bit twisted and I found it very difficult to spend time with them. They both past away over ten years ago which has given me a real sense of freedom in my life. I still have a need to develop some clarity about them and these videos have really helped me to see that they were Narcissists.

[@mhopwood1]

"Good old normal neurotic person", I love that!❤😂

[@LeadersHQ-1]

My mother is ultra self absorbed... this video really makes sense

[@heinzbaron9129]

So true. I have done many counseling sessions and the topic of narcissism never came up. There are only a precious few counselors who address the issue.

[@saracarlson-kringle]

Happens in culty religious organizations, too [when they posture as your 'new' family]...

[@debbiejahnke8724]

Some possible pearls I’d like to share. As a kid coming out of highschool into college and higher education. Therapists seem to assume you have normal parents and guidance. They don’t have skin in the game. I was misled by therapy in college. They actually delivered me unintentionally to a predator by telling me I should get a job to be more social. Then when I told the therapist that a university employee was doing something inappropriate they ignored it and allowed it to continue. I’m grad school the therapist immediately put me on heavy duty meds. And agreed with my classmates and told me they were doing me a favor by criticizing me. He said I had issues with identity. I went out drinking one night and over did it. I am lucky I didn’t die. I told the therapist but he just laughed. Those drugs were not safe under the conditions. I was too immature to skip the fun. And unaware of the danger of mixing the meds with alcohol.

[@missNeb]

I am nearly 50 and slowly understanding about myself and my lack of self belief. (A friend has told me I need to look you up Jerry.) The last 20 years I was thinking my father was Asperger's but I'm now believing he's Narcissistic.

[@Cristinaa.8]

Hi Jerry. I am so glad I found your channel. I have been binge watching your videos and man are they insightful! I have heard about what you teach just not in the same manner in which you teach them. I am a psychology student on my way to receiving my masters, and I wish you were one of my professors. The way in which you teach about self-differentiation and learning to accept reality remind me a lot of the spiritual teachings I have learned throughout the years. You word a lot of these spiritual teaching in psychological terms that is easy for anyone to understand (because lets face it some of the spiritual jargon can be confusing for others and gets cast off quickly). Its a perfect blend of these two practices coming into one. My parents raised me with catholic ideology, but when I started veering away from their beliefs they shamed me a lot for it, most specifically my mother. It was tough the first year because they kept bringing it up and trying different tactics to persuade me back into the faith. Now that two years have passed I am doing much better with setting my boundaries and learning to accept the reality that they may never see fit and detaching from needing to be understood or approved of. My mother in law also carries a lot of narcissistic traits that triggers some of that anxiety within me. I want to commend you for your work and posting these videos. It is helping me make sense of what I am learning in school and apply it more effortlessly into my life. Thank you ❤ Blessings 🙏🏼

[@dianabailey9757]

My mother should never have had children. We didnt measure up to her idea of perfect fairy tale children. She was brutal.

[@marygenius2041]

Therapists sometimes are worst that parents Mine was a total failure Didn't help me at all Only created more mess and disfunction

[@bibblebubbleblue]

Thank you so much for that video! Realizing that my parents' behaviour and way of thinking was not normal, was a major breakthrough for me, because it also meant that there is nothing wrong with me. As a kid, I was treated in ways that were not right or normal, but that had nothing to with anything inside me, and today I may have behaviour patterns that are not helpful, but those are reactions to what happened to me as a kid, and I can work on them. So, again, nothing is wrong with ME. Also, my parents certainly aren't grandious narcissists, and I have no idea what their clinical diagnosis would be, but I know that every time I watch videos on narcissistic parents and family structures, loads of things and structures become clear to me. So, I suppose they are somewhere on the spectrum. The 3rd belief is the one I am struggling with right now, trying to get myself to realize that they can no longer destroy what I am doing. Still, they are extremely negative and toxic, so I do not want to talk to them about what I am doing, because I do not want these poisonous words and thoughts in my brain, and I keep them at arm's length. Thank you so much for all of your videos. Your channel was (and is) one of the things that helped me through difficult times. I love your matter-of-fact, down-to-earth approach and your way of reasoning with the narcissist.

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful. Thank you for watching the video!

[@restauracioncorporal5775]

Im 42 years old and only this year I read for the first time about the scapegoat child and the family dynamics of a NM.... Nothing ever before this information explained my life so well! My life never made so much sense until I learned this information!!! I am so great full for youtube and all the different channels including yours that talk this topic. Is important we kids from this kind of parents know, learn are aware so we can brake free!!! Thank you so much for the work you do, you are saving lives!!!

[@kerrymartinez4463]

I’m finally after decades honoring myself , my talents and simple dreams. I’ve put in lots of effort and therapy and realizing that I have limited time left on the planet so it’s now or never. I’m certainly not all the way there but learning to do things that are fun for me even if I do that alone like horse things, music, art.

[@robertmcgirr401]

Spot on! Its so hard to see when you're raised by narcissistic parent. To you it must be normal. Hard to find yourself , heal and grow when you're from the black hole. Thanks for the ropes Jerry!

[@judiththeis4476]

Thank you. I have just recently discovered that my parents were both narcissists that died years ago. I recognize so many crazy things over the years. I'm recovering now but the funny thing is, my children side with the narcissists and think my problems are only my problems and parents were great. I have 2 brothers that are alcoholics that sobered up 35+ years ago. One brother is in denial and the other took his life in 2023.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

After leaving for the military and afterwards college, I was gone from home almost 30 years. When finally located back and stated nearly 5 years, while finally saw so clearly was that I was better off without my father in my life.

[@athena3865]

Straight up the best therapist out there. Thank you Jerry, for the validation we were not the problem. Both parents are gone now; when the last one passed (mother) there was such a tremendous emotional relief that I physically felt like a different person. Husband told me the source of my pain was gone. I will never forget that moment. I'm 66.

[@jerrywise]

Very kind words, thank you.

[@Geronimo2u]

Jerry, it’s taken me a lifetime to be aware, deal with and see how narcissistic parent has played in my life, effected my life, and I have to still work with.. not easy and not pleasant but a journey to walk on.. with differentiation, boundaries and more. I’m a therapist and went into my field in order to understand myself many years ago, and still I’m learning daily weekly monthly yearly. I appreciate your public service, normalizing and giving clarity to many.. people really need support and someone to talk with , finding someone who can listen, understand and guide.

[@darinsmith2458]

O this is good stuff.. I really needed to hear this.. Hmm flying monkies..I am going to save this one but I save all of yours.. I had to cut everyone that my mom was connect to out of my life.. But they weren't safe people to begin with.. It is nice to have permission to treat the narcissist differently than I was before..

[@1stBorn538]

My narc parents loved using opportunities of acting as though they were giving sound life advice but it was hidden jealousy and word curses. They really wanted to sabotage my future and make me think i was doomed if I didn't listen to their nonsense.

[@joanhenry650]

It has been along journey coming to this point in my life as a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and Alcoholic Father that your help, care, videos and tools have truly given me a life of healing and restoration. Jerry you speak truth when you say it is possible to live free of the past. I feel that truth more and more! I am still practicing and listening to your wisdom. Your techniques definitely are key to true and lasting change! God Bless You and all you do to help so many!

[@cherylbogdan5044]

My mother had a way of making me that I didn't have a lot of worth. If I do anything in my adult life notable I feel so guilty, anxious.

[@Spirit.282]

Thank u so much for this! I never considered family events, money, etc (non-people things) a form of triangulation in these relationships. Very eye-opening. Thank you Jerry!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful.

[@styracosaurusqvt4841]

I hadn’t considered that either. My father uses money and housing in that regard.

[@beckyvonhaden6522]

I left my family almost 10 years ago and being away from them has given me so much clarity and relief. My parents have iced me out and don't put forth any means of repair. Jokes on them, though, I'm perfectly fine never speaking to them again. After decades of abuse i finally got what i wanted.

[@gessrinky9129]

Oh yes. I grew up thinking I was soooo bad. Stupid, ugly, etc…I was called all the names. I struggle now but have slowly realized they were very odd people.

[@AmyMichelleMosier]

I have always felt like I was irresponsible. Finally, at work, when things are getting done and my error rate is the lowest, it dawned on me, I am a very responsible person and it had never really entered my head before that. My mother makes me feel like a bad person.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Great reminder, Jerry!! 💖🙏 Narc will triangulate with Things (e.g. money, or a holiday) as well as Ppl.

[@jerrywise]

Yes they do

[@jester7038]

What does triangulating with things look like?

[@kimberlymccracken747]

So true Jerry 👍 It takes courage for all of us to validate ourselves and our own experience. The denial is pervasive culturally and personally. Then, the children of these parents get heck when they begin speaking up and out. It's extremely difficult, and SO worth it. Otherwise, we just keep repeating these same patterns in other relationships - at least that has been my experience. When you wake up it's like Friday the 13th on steroids. SPOOKY 🎃💀😱

[@realitywinner7582]

now you said it !

[@kimberlymccracken747]

@@realitywinner7582 🙏✝️❤️

[@realitywinner7582]

@@kimberlymccracken747 thanks Kimberly ..God Bless You too !

[@bereal6590]

My last therapist did me more harm than good. Triggered me all over the place, increased my anxiety. She was useless. Then when she was supposed to be helping with cptsd, a d.v. relationship and medical trauma/ptsd, she labelled ME depressed and told me I should radically accept my parents are emotionally immature. Of course they are! However, that's not all they are and telling me that if I didn't know what I know now, would have pulled on my empathy towards them and subjugation myself again for their emotional immaturity. So many instances of her saying the wrong thing in relation to what I said!

[@charlotteinfj4412]

Thank you for your talk about aunt Betty. I am currently in no contact with my mother and her sister called me. She didn't want to hear my reason but to shame me into coming back : your mother is sad, she is sick etc. The straw that broke the camel back for me was that I am sick as well. I supported my mother but not only she didn't support me, she repeatedly ignored my illness for years. And she even didn't believe me for a long period of time. I am not even 100% she believe me now. I want to stand up for myself so I told her numerous time if she didn't clean her act I would leave. I acted upon her action. And now she doesn't understand why ? Total BS

[@stefanemanuelsson2201]

To the editor: please don't cut so hard. I have to look away to get what Mr Wise is saying. Thanks I have an ex wife who still has too much power over me / with whom i still give away too much of my power. We have a daughter and my ex is trying to get back together with me using her (to hang out etc, whatever - i say no each time). And my daughter is affected by this, making it very hard to deal with. Hard to explain to my daughter that i am saying no to her mothers requests because she is not safe for me. Long time ago i realized that nothing i say to my ex will make a difference, the only way (as Mr Wise points out) is to change myself. This video is valuable in that it reminds me of what i need to do to keep as sane as possible. Thanks!

[@jerrywise]

Hi Stephan, I'm glad that my videos are helpful to you, thank you so much for your support.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Yes, we still question even after getting past denial.

[@lightwarrior7856]

Thank you, Jerry. Your content has a ripple effect. I see the small effect within myself from absorbing your knowledge, and the effect it his on the teenagers that I work with. I can't thank you enough. I am so grateful that I am still learning. Be well

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful. Thank you for watching the video!

[@carolnahigian9518]

Origin FamilyToxic- and SO PROUDof theircruelty

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Yes, professionals don't acknowledge this at all.

[@sacredsoulworks]

I am new to this channel. I've listened to quite a few videos now, and I find them very informative. But, I struggle with the label of narcissist. Every time I listen to a video, in my head I replace the word narcissist, or narcissism, with trauma, or traumatised, given that is what predominantly causes NPD. Trauma runs through family systems, and has a spiritual component not talked about nearly enough.

[@dda9141]

Your videos have helped me so much, thank you. I hope you live forever😅

[@jerrywise]

Glad you like them! haha I hope my teaching live longer!

[@StrawberryShortcake3-f4b]

Jerry I appreciate your videos, I cannot afford therapy although therapy has never gone well for me at all. Your straightforward approach keeps me out of the fog of what the heck is going on? Thank you. A family member passed away and his brother is insisting I talk to my Mom because he lost someone recently. I was told to LET IT GO. No. The damage to my life is so serious and if people don't get it they can hate me all they want. I'm done being the scapegoat or the bad guy because I won't go along with how they want to do things. It will never improve it will never change. I've tried for years but it is so scary feeling like I have no one. I am shunned if I don't tolerate. Sorry for rambling.

[@petermautner7052]

Thank you Jerry . It has taken me many years to heal , at 70. Narcissistic parents need a golden child , scapegoat and an enabler, often . Family is torn apart. The prime narcissist whether father or mother only repeats I feel generational behavior handed down. However both the golden child and scapegoat child , I feel suffer. Non loving families do that . Thx .

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Yep, I agree we have to make more changes if we admit they are not normal.

[@ColleenC-n5v]

Phenomenally inciteful. I feel like there is hope to heal these deep-seated wounds of self entrapment. Bless you the world-over.☮💜✝💜💜

[@woopiemiddleman8232]

This is very good information. I’m listening to your messages to stay sane as an ACON survivor! Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome!

[@bodymindsoul60]

Thank You for this! It came at the best time! I was just struggling to be compassionate with myself while trying to “see” my denial in a current situation ! It’s amazing how far I’ve come in ten years and still trying to change my beliefs and be able to identify when I’m in denial 🙏

[@jerrywise]

Allow yourself time to heal. Stay focused on the journey and on your part in this journey. Giving ourselves time to heal is a form of self respect. Often it is not a question of 'how' but 'when'.

[@bodymindsoul60]

@@jerrywise Many thanks for your kind response and wise words .

[@SumanaPrabhu-g4q]

Sir, thank you very much for making me realise that I have narcicistic mother. I am out of contact since 2 days. I am trying to overcome my guilty feel of no contact.

[@amandagish5976]

As always, you've made me feel validated. My family ALWAYS told me that our family was NORMAL! The heck we were!

[@Kingsanatanrebel]

this is really empowering content. poverty & lack are never mentioned on this channel. would be great that this is discussed as part of dysfunctional families

[@Lp-vw1lf]

Hi Jerry, you've helped me so much!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome, thanks for watching!

[@RemnantTheWolf]

So I've been watching this guy for the past few days and I need a bit of help... I know my childhood wasn't good for me. I did not grow up in an environment that taught me to feel safe, or even valuable, but I don't know if the abuse was rooted in Narcissism or not. Like... It was never about my mom. More my brother. It was a golden child situation, sure. But it was a golden child due to Autism. I have another brother that was often praised and held in high regard. Often seen as independent and having high aspirations I never felt like I was allowed to want. I was mostly praised for being nice. And now I feel like that was just "you do as you are told, that's your value" But I don't know if that's reaching, if she was a narcissist or if I'm just trying to put labels on things so they make sense.

[@bemindfulmuslimah]

I really like the how to handle flying monkeys. Coz I feel they're more intimidating. Thank you so much

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed the video

[@sacredwaters9]

This video is more precious than GOLD!!! CELEBRATE 🥳 we have HOPE FOR HEALTHY AND HAPPY lives. Mr. Wise thank you so much. I want to know more about your program. I want to heal before I get older, so I can access my life and power. Adult, mature, and self-differentiated. Yes! Observe and don't absorb! Nuggets of power. @19:35 ❤ Wow. I've got some things to think about. What a blessing to have these videos. I've had a few therapists in my life time and they have mostly all been dismissive, or uninformed about my experiences. YOU are hitting every single nail on the proverbial head. I've picked up over the years, and divine intervention some of the tips you provide and that makes me feel good. I am hearing tactics and goals to heal from you every video I click on. I've given myself a goal of at least 1 every day. Thank you!

[@nicolebenson4517]

Wish me luck, moving to another Country soon. My narcissistic mother and sister are going to throw everything but the kitchen sink at me! Bracing myself for the barrage 😱

[@woopiemiddleman8232]

How to deal with the resentful after all the years of absorbing their mean criticisms and abusive words? I love the idea of observe not absorb, however I began to feel the amount of resentful inside me. The only way out is to talk to my friend about it. How to let go of resentment? 🙏🏼 thank you Mr. Wise!

[@monaj33]

Talk to God like a surrogate parent..or use a mirror and talk to yourself like your best friend...open your heart to yourself...pray, meditation, eat well and stop abusing yourself for their sins on you.

[@carolnahigian9518]

WOW! he met and observed my mother and Brother!!!!!!!!!

[@dotsyjmaher]

EXTREMELY important distinctions FINALLY hit me with this video..THANK YOU

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful!

[@SuperYanivs]

Best explanations for complex reality. Thanks

[@jerrywise]

Thanks Yaniv, I'm glad you enjoyed the video