Narcissistic Father or Mother: How They INVALIDATED You

In this video, I talk about the ways in which your narcissistic parents may have invalidated you in childhood and continue to do so in adulthood.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of its toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Differentiated Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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➡️ Recommended Playlists: Outgrowing Dysfunctional Family Patterns - • Outgrowing Narcissisti... Break Free from Narcissistic Parents & Families - • Breaking Free from Nar... Adult Children of Alcoholics: Heal & Change the Pattern - • Alcoholic Narcissistic...
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he uses his wealth of knowledge and experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Differentiated Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...

[@jerrywise]

Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with my ‘Family Differentiation Program: Road to Self’. Join here>> program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@igormendoncacanga2569]

Thank you again doctor Wise. This is synchronistic concerning my day today.

[@mcfishyfirst253]

I was always talked to by my family in a belittling way until I came back with better cutdowns all kids are innocent if I had a different option the abuse would happen soon after I was abused w poison and sexual abuse as my family watched around the same time I called 911 lol at me to me I was 6 years old I said what was happening she lol told me to hangup I got her fired years when I had proof of my abuse she was fired then went to police and tried to be a cop to me I wasn’t having that she was fired that day from the police

[@annaburns2865]

Thank you for explaining the difference between unhealthy and healthy criticism. Whenever I speak out of criticism, everyone is like well then how are you going to improve? But they don’t do it to help you improve they only do it to belittle you. The only caveat I have to this is when a co-worker says something mean, and then adds, our boss was going to criticize you for that, so I’m warning you before they can. You leave feeling like they just criticized you and didn’t want to admit it. That isn’t even criticism. That is gaslighting.

[@jdjenny]

I sure wish you had an EMERGENCY 🆘 free consultation for someone who cannot financially afford a session but so desperately needs help from someone who completely understands the depth of the situation I’m stuck in- and want to make the best decision for the sake of my own child & not wanting him to have to suffer the same angsts that I did from the trickery of an enmeshed emotionally immature & codependent narcissistic dysfunctional family camouflaged as the perfect Leave It To Beaver family. 🙏🏼

[@Amylyn..]

Is not fighting back when getting beat on by whatever family member(s) was told to beat me as a small child.. a way of invalidating myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone? I always wondered if that is true or not ..

[@annastone5624]

I literally journaled today that ‘I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my well being and dignity, and allow another person to play little games of superiority and one-upmanship at my expense, to feel better about themselves. I’m no longer willing to play that role, they can leave me alone and go pay for therapy, I’m tapping out!’ ,

[@sage9836]

Congratulations! I started to wonder why people who claimed to be so superior always needed favors. (Fair warning - do not share your insight with the narc or it just gives them more of your energy, causes a kaboom and holds you back.)

[@annastone5624]

@sage9836 That is a useful warning! It’s why I journal so much, to keep myself from sharing. O’ ’m still prone to not recognizing narcissistic people, esp as they often use the ‘we’re so alike’ strategy to get into my life. It can take me quite a while to recognize who is unsafe. .

[@bree3716]

💯❤

[@sage9836]

@@annastone5624 Thanks - more a warning because I blurted that out to a narc - and oohoo! Not good. (I am far from the person now.) I just got really into journaling, and I feel more real when I write it all down.

[@pinkrose4322]

Yes, Congrats! I'm totally following in your footsteps. 👍

[@sirrantsalott]

These types of parents are despicable. If you’re a scapegoat and you’ve been targeted with more abuse when you become more of yourself from all family members, leave.

[@gem7078]

Yes! I left a year ago!

[@elenazenzolo6689]

Very true. I wish I left earlier but really helped. Lol ❤

[@Emma-mk8jv]

I left. Was hard choice but got to a point I had to protect my mental health as I was at breaking point

[@elenazenzolo6689]

​​@@Emma-mk8jvEmma, you have done the right thing I fully understand you. I left my toxic family ages ago, after a terrible childhood. Ive grown up in fear of my own family. They still blamed me for leaving, as I should av stayed there and put up with all they did to me, according to their point of view. I felt guilty and still now I do: they are my own family and should av stayed there, suffer and put up with everything they did to me n my brother. I still rang and visit regularly... They NEVER changed, and even after long time, they havent missed me, but only missed their punchball and thats what I av been, they missed the evil treatment they gave me every day and took the chance. I had no rights according to them, should av been there looking after them til they became old. And take all the insults and humiliations I still heard on the phone after Ive been away nearly 30 years... I also was on my own as my dearest mum died, and left me in that horrible situation. My dad had full support from his toxic sisters, the ones we should call aunties, and it turned worse. In spite of their old age, they are happier than me, they are well and still found the time to put me down every time I saw them or rang. They never paid me a visit in 30 yrs of my absence, never missed me, but I should av been there. I finally gave it a cut. Yes, it was not easy but thats the way they are and its not our fault. They will always be abusive. And do not care a bit about us. Lol ❤

[@jetsetter883]

I think about this often

[@user-jm5lk5vr4z]

I've tried everything. The only way to avoid invalidation from my family is estrangement. I can be the scapegoat or the pariah, no other role is available to me, so I chose pariah. I'm not happy with this, but there is no other viable choice. My heart goes out to others in the same situation.

[@Emma-mk8jv]

Same. Tried everything and was exhausting til I almost broke so I left

[@jdjenny]

WHEN LOVE IS CONDITIONAL IT ISN’T REAL

[@Asnerlicious]

They find it more convenient to manipulate people who are already triggered and disregulated.

[@annem7806]

The 'ol 'I don't remember it happening that way" line of BS.

[@dianacarter_art]

My mother was abusive and negligent. She said I am just a stupid kid and nobody cares what I have to say so I should just shut up. It was a hell I still can't forget. I'm 62 and I screwed up my life thanks to my upbringing. I still struggle but I'm finally learning about myself and trying to be happier. ❤

[@justwanttruth8673]

Thanks for your comment, I’m 61 and have verbalized that after years of learning and trying to heal from a narcissistic upbringing that “I’m just too broken to be fixed”. I don’t have the answers to everything that have gone on, or the subsequent outcomes in life, but this bloke in this video has been so spot on in identifying exactly where I am at in my thinking has been tremendous. My mum would lean over me when I was struggling with a problem (homework or a project), and speak directly in my ear “you stupid child, you stupid, stupid child”; guess what recording played in my ear every time I attempted ANYTHING. I know now that these are lies directly from The Pit, but I feel so screwed up (I was scapegoated and neglected also, just to add spice to it all). I have been through counseling, therapy, self-help material, deliverance etc and am better for it all, but still live with constant feelings of inadequacy, shame and lack of identity. In saying that, my wife of 36yrs came from a very stable and supportive home from whom I learned what the love of a mother really is (I always joke that I prefer my in-laws to hers!) and what a strong, direct loving father can be. I have sons who I feel are better equipped for life than I am now and are more mature (in their 30’s) than I am in my 60’s. I gave up hope of ever being a truly integrated self years ago and hold zero hope of that for the future, but with blokes like this guy and others I have recently been hearing, and seeing comments like yours, I walk a little more upright and know I’m not the only one in this world with similar issues. I have rambled on, I just felt a little affinity with what you said. Be blessed and continue the fight.

[@DH-dl3ll]

​@@justwanttruth8673I feel this way too. I've put so much effort into rehabilitating myself from all the damage. I've made some progress but overall I feel inept at life and really immature compared to my peers. It's so unfair that I'm left to pick up the pieces from someone else's abuse and I find it really difficult to just accept that and move past it.

[@nadineluiters7807]

Same here. Still feel worthless

[@nadineluiters7807]

Same here. Still feel worthless

[@nadineluiters7807]

Same here. Still feel worthless

[@annem7806]

Never met an emotion I was allowed to have.

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

I was put on the BRAT diet at age 3 and openly called a Brat. It seemed the world was okay with me being left out, treated poorly and not allowed to eat real meals. I couldn't go to birthday parties because "you can't eat Pizza" or whatever they were serving. My arms hurt from carrying all the things my sister gave me to her house. She said, "You have a lot of nerve to accuse MY grandparents of abuse!" Well, they're my grandparents, too! And, I wanted to say, "OUR gramdparents had a lot of nerve to abuse their 3 year old grand daughter!" But, I froze. I got more abuse from acting out after abuse! My Dad has passed, and my mom hates me. My best revenge is loving the parts of me that were shamed. I love that I can't be broken! "YOU DIDN'T BREAK ME!!!"

[@emil5884]

I love that you love that you can't be broken. Very relateable. We keep on truckin' ✌

[@AlvinKazu]

That's a real shame. How disgusting... Your sister is also a narcissist it seems, because she was most likely their golden grandchild. I hope you are healing and are in a better place. It sounds like your grandparents raised you, or did your parents and the grandparents were there too?

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

@@emil5884💚💚💚 We keep on truckin'!

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

@@AlvinKazu My Dad got injured, so we lived in my grandparents basement for a few years. Yes. My sister was 1st born to narcissistic, spoiled baby boomers. So she was more of an extension of their false selves, for sure. I am healing and in a better place! Thank you!!! 💚

[@AlvinKazu]

@@Lioness_of_GaiaThat's a shame... My parents are also selfish, self-absorbed, self-entitled, all-knowing boomers. I was the first born but the scapegoat/blacksheep because my younger brother resembled my mother whereas I resemble my father. My mother cared more for my younger brother. There was a ton of yelling, manipulation, gaslighting, etc, etc. It was chatoic and hell, so much pain. It seemse veryone has different stories some are very physical, but others emotional.

[@petermautner7052]

Parents sent me to several shrinks. They the parentssaid I have a chemical imbalance and there is help for you ,( addictive Drug ) , but you refuse to take it . The last shrink , I didn't trust. Surprise Found out many years later he was charged with patient molestation . Dysfunctional families alway cause heartbreak. In 1990 I got a call from mom who told me that my father on life support was going to be pulled off by the doctors . She asked me if I wanted to see my father one last time as you knew him. I wanted to tell mom that I never knew father. I knew that would have devastated her. I declined to see my father for the last time . I am almost seventy and the pain of dysfunction lasts a long time . Thank you Jerry for your honesty and help. Peter

[@barbarav4046]

There is no limit to the damage they do to a developing personality. It's hard to understand it, even harder when you try explaining your behaviours to people who yet again minimize your experience with abuse. It's very discouraging

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

It can be discouraging, I think those who have not been traumatized sometimes cannot understand. As they feel intact they just think: “ If that had happened to me I would have just shrugged it off”. They do not understand their “intactness” comes from having been treated well. At least that’s what I have observed from my lovely husband who often doesn’t understand my struggles. It leaves me feeling lonely at times, but reading other people’s comments on here helps♥.

[@olilumgbalu5653]

My father takes gaslighting to the extreme...if I bring up some egregious action of his from the past, he will state that it is a "false memory". Sometimes I wonder if he is an MI6 or CIA agent.

[@xxArsen1xx-OnPsn]

I was just telling a sibling I got through to, "the MK Ultra documents decided the best course of action to shatter ego and inflict trauma based mind control was to attempt to make people HALLUCINATE their own mother saying the things my very real one landed on using all on her own. The literal CIA couldn't devise more effective mental enslavement." It's almost impressive 😂

[@JWayne-ej4jy]

Our father made us believe he secret FBI agent 🤣 but the emperor had no clothes

[@RobertEskuri]

I can tell that for many years now that my family all hate each other. I understand why they say " Love you. " instead of " I love you. " They get validation from deceiving and manipulating each other and technically they're not lying. 💔

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Any time I complained to the narcissistic dad of mine, he would turn it around to be my (all) fault, that I "misinterpreted" what he said. No!

[@anymaru]

"Im sorry you feel that way!" Hate being told that BS. Then they act totally unaware its hurtful, when i protest that demening invalidating line.

[@jerrywise]

This statement can be invalidating or it can be self differentiating depends on context

[@anymaru]

@@jerrywise I dont really know what self differentiating means, I haven't heard that term before. My folks tell me that line when I try to communicate, (which is difficult for me) that I'm upset and not ok with something. When I try to stand up for myself. To me it it's like saying you have no right to your feelings or expressing them.

[@zeusaegiduchos2981]

That is pure evil. It sounds to me like a psychic vampire.

[@amberv4223]

That is my “mother”

[@tinekespa1190]

My mother as well. I m so sorry for you

[@leftykeys6944]

I sure could have benefitted from this 55 years ago, when I was living with my toxic parents. Much of what is described in this video is what I had to live with as a pre-teen and adolescent.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Yes, Dad doesn't like conflict: being called out: too bad for him. He's a coward.

[@midnightsplusnoonsis730LEO]

It's always about HOW THEY LOOK ... and to make themselves look better than they really are. Alot like makeup, jewellery, botox, perfumes, etc etc ...

[@CJ-jq4lv]

I wish I had this video 40 years ago!

[@pinkrose4322]

Exactly!

[@barbarav4046]

So true

[@craftingwithcatstammie1716]

Constant "Constructive criticism " is only because I love you and is to help you. Always belittling my interests and activities. Trying to force me into being a mini her has been a constant power struggle. I have terrible guilt feelings because I love my mother but I hate her as a person.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

It is destructive!

[@user-ut7hh3zb2f]

Uh huh. Nothing is ever good enough or perfect enough. No matter what you do, or how good you do, you aren't trying hard enough. Ever. Even in things that don't even matter.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹

[@chrisg7795]

“Constructive criticism” is the worsr because you take it seriously, especially from a loved one 😢

[@lynnh4786]

Definitely my parents made me doubt myself. Never praise for anything. I wondered why I was attracted to abusive men. I finally figured it all out & it’s a hard pill to swallow period. Thank god I loved my kids and they knew it. I wasn’t perfect, I did a better job than my parents. Everything I ever did wrong I admitted to my kids and asked for forgiveness. My mom wouldn’t acknowledge the sexual abuse I endured by family friend. There generation brushed everything under the rug acted like it didn’t happen like that makes it better. Never an apology or validation period. Thank you ❤for helping people. This is an awful way to grow up

[@chocovanille5809]

Man, my father who never went to school used to criticize having ranked second in the class of 30 people. Criticized basically everything

[@Anson7777]

Well I just want to tell you I don't know who you are but I think it's great that you rank second in a class of 30 people!!! Good for you! I wish I could meet all the commenters here in person We could all be a family and encourage each other and actually live a good life for once

[@joanndeck4315]

Envy and jealousy!! It’s sick to have towards your own children. My father is the same way….even toward MY children now. My oldest son is in law school and all my dad does is criticize him. We only see him about twice a year now, as short “visit” as possible and once we leave we just debrief each other and LAUGH at how pitiful he is!!

[@chocovanille5809]

@@joanndeck4315 it is very sad indeed. Kuddos to your son

[@user-ut7hh3zb2f]

@@Anson7777 Same. High 80 percent to high NINETY percent AVERAGE grades were never good enough ... hearing this from someone who dropped out of school. And, try harder. In school, in sports, even in mowing the lawn. Try harder. I had no summer breaks either. Went from the school semester to full time work in the summer and then back to school. Do more. Do faster. Do better. Give 110 percent to 110 percent of EVERYthing all the time. Going in the Army was the first taste of freedom.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@Anson7777 ❤‍🩹Love it!

[@maggiesalle2256]

This applies to churches too.

[@petermautner7052]

Father was a pathologist . He never hugged me nor ever told me he loved me . I believe human behaviour emulates preceding generations. Father's father was often absent . Father golden childed my brother who excelled. However my brother told me he felt compelled to please father, not himself . Brother married a controlling Physio whose father was an alcoholic plumber. In my brother's 36 year marriage , I saw him 4 times . Each time I was banished , ostracized and eventually estranged from my own brother .

[@Anson7777]

I'm SOOOO sorry for your pain!

[@DHARK1873]

I was 6 yrs old when my bio-father said something that I now can’t believe even happened. I’d gotten in trouble for something, don’t even remember what it was but I remember definitely knew I wasn’t supposed to do it, did it anyway… so of course got in trouble. He said, “Don’t do this again, I don’t want to have to punish you like when you were a little girl.” Like, WHAT!? How is 6 yrs old no longer LITTLE!? He was so cold and started detaching from us kids, and also when I’d cry (and I’m NOT an easy crier) after someone hurt me, whether physically or otherwise, he’d say “Stop crying. Grow up.” People in all my social circles had often said “don’t be so serious”, “you’re too grown up already”, etc. and for YEARS I thought both those things were my fault. But my dad had literally SET ME UP to grow up too fast. Nothing can be done to help my heart now but at least I have clarity now and thank God I went no contact.

[@koolbeans8292]

I just thought he didn't like me. But the hard part is he had a way of getting his team, the rest of the family, to turn against me. Mostly at the gossip table though.

[@jammyjay917]

Yes exactly, my parents always dismiss my feelings, and they still do, so i have distance myself now...growing up, my Mum always critise me, as a child, it really does affect us growing up...

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

This could be my story. Love and courage to you❤‍🩹.

[@DavA-DM]

One of the biggest displays of this was when my narcissistic mother told me how much she was showing tolerance for me. I have no doubt she thought this was some wonderful gift she was giving me. I thought otherwise, and after several further displays of where I was for her, and that this was never going to be changed in anyway. It did change as I ended for good receiving this 'gift' of narcissistic abuse. And this included walking away from the whole family that are all part of the narcissistic daisy-chain that - never ends or change.

[@elizabethtowers3321]

Absolutely right. I invalidate myself even though I moved away from family decades ago. The worst of it is lack of self confidence and not fully taking care of myself. I'm working on those every day. They are minimal at this point in my life.

[@EvilWarWoman]

My whole life is just what you said 1000%. Because I wasn’t the way they wanted me in 1975 they made me award of courts.Was put in institution/foster care until the age of 17 which at that time I went out on my own. At age 16 they demanded the courts to fix me so I could not have children. But the court would not do it, and I become emancipated. I have tried for so many years to be good enough to be a part of their family I take blame for everything that went wrong.. but nothing I did would fix it or make it better, because they couldn’t get the courts to do what they wanted when I become pregnant the bigger war began. The lies, etc. in the end I got my kids taken away. But I for gave them I’m not I was in a perfect mother, but I didn’t do the lies that they have told. Both of my kids are both dead now and I still continue trying to be good enough to be a part of their family and with a worthy person. It never happens the gaslighting the threats still go on to this day. The last time they threatened me I have cut all ties I can’t do it no more I’m not worried about losing anything, or getting anything from them because I can’t except it and good faith. I love them very much and I miss them but I’d rather die alone than with this pain anymore. I am 64 years old. I am a very caring, loving, giving person and will bend over backwards to help people in my family. But I would not do it no more I carried this monkey blame on my back too many years and it needs to stop and only only one that can stop it, so I cut them off. I cut them off. It gets lonely as I don’t even have friends because I can’t trust. But I’ll do my best. Do what I need to do for me from this point on. Thank you for this video as I did not have a lot of answers on the wise or the reasons or even the cause. I know I’m not perfect. I did do some things but I am a good person. God knows it.Have a great day keep smiling you never know who needs too see a smile.

[@annastone5624]

I’m so sorry. I’m not sure they deserve your love.. give yourself the love and buy yourself nice things. Glad you found Jerry. Also try Jay Reid 💖

[@bakerinthehouse5346]

You seem like a great person. Everyone makes mistakes. Being alone is lonely, but we are free from toxic people.

[@teresadvorak6145]

I've heard it said "Don't look for healing at the feet of those who hurt you". And Abraham Lincoln said" Its far better to be alone, than in bad company" I hope this helps ❤. If they treat u badly & don't appriciate your company, then honor them with your absence ❤

[@C-eq1tj]

Precious one, I feel your pain. I’m also a scapegoat. The family dysfunction was there before you were born. You are not the problem and you are not the solution. You were not meant to carry their shame. That can only be carried by Jesus Christ. My parents tried to put me in a mental hospital as a teen and thank God it did not happen. I have also not been a perfect mother. My oldest is loyal to the narcissistic system and told me she has chosen her narcissistic grandmother (my mother) over me and blames me for no contact. This affects my relationship with my grandchildren, but I have one still left in the home and this child has gotten the best version of me due to lots of inner work and therapy. This road can be excruciatingly painful and lonely. I find comfort in The Bible and Psalms where it says “When your father and mother forsake you, then the LORD will take you up.” Please also see Rebecca Mandeville and her videos on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) and her website. You may also find validation from Dr. Sherrie Cambell’s books on family estrangement and toxic parents. Dr. Sherrie is on Instagram and Tik-Tok and just presented a Ted Talk on not all parents are good that may be found on YT.

[@EvilWarWoman]

@@C-eq1tj Thank You for truth and kindness.Wish their was away we’re people could talk to each other in private.You have a awesome day keep smiling you never know who could needs too see one.

[@sharonbice7490]

I couldnt understand why my sisters were so evil all my life to me. When my mom retired, and my dad passed away, I started to see why, she had a mask on the whole time, even thou I noticed she favored my sisters over me all my life, I just thought it was because I was my dads favorite child and they knew it. Now I know about Narcissist, and everything came to light.

[@katjaxxx7353]

Dr. Jerry. You are a wonderful therapist. I needed this video today. Thank you for your wise words. Hugs to all you guys / you are good the way you are 🩷

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome, thanks for watching

[@laurinedelperdange2101]

Agree, he's a wonderful person and therapist.

[@Amanda.Marie40]

Yes you being stuck and invalidated keeps the toxic family dynamic going!

[@dameanvil]

01:35 🔄 Narcissistic parents invalidate by ignoring feelings, dismissing emotions, and belittling a person's sense of self. 02:23 🚫 Gaslighting, denying reality, is a common invalidation tactic, making the person doubt themselves and their experiences. 03:40 🗣 Constant criticism by narcissistic parents contributes to lower self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy. 04:56 💔 Conditional love, where acceptance is tied to specific behaviors, invalidates one's identity and fosters a pseudo self. 05:59 ↔ Comparisons to others, be it siblings or achievements, invalidate identity and create feelings of inadequacy. 07:12 ⚙ Manipulation through guilt, shame, and emotional blackmail builds the narcissist's pseudo self while diminishing the individual's real self. 08:24 💡 Jerry Wise suggests a program for family differentiation and offers coaching to address these complex issues more comprehensively. 09:59 ❓ Jerry encourages self-reflection on how one perpetuates parental invalidation internally and how family dynamics may impact self-validation. 11:17 🔄 Breaking the cycle involves understanding and reversing self-invalidating behaviors, fostering self-validation, and embracing personal opinions.

[@nicoloclemente6564]

Thank you so so much Angel!!💖🙏

[@YAHAYAH_369]

Thank You 🌞🌈

[@deejames1st]

Thank you for this it’s so helpful to have a chapter list to refer to when listening to the video

[@OrlanduHolySwordsman]

Narc parent is hitting me with the silent treatment now. I'm playing a game with it. Trying to see how many days they will go without taking. Granted they do talk but it's only if they HAVE TO request something of me. Other than that it's silent. So far I'm on three days. Pretty fun and keeps my mind off the blatant abuse

[@teresadvorak6145]

U should go somewhere fun for a while & do some really nice things for yourself. Don't expect to heal with them right over the top of U. Just a suggestion. ❤ sending good vibes to U 😊

[@MysteryGrey]

@sweetpotatoes silent treatment is the best part of narcissism.

[@JWayne-ej4jy]

I was VERY young when it came to me about my father "He's trying to keep me from myself !!!"

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

Wow really? That’s amazing, I had no such insight, just lots of confused anger and hurt. Good for you!

[@AlvinKazu]

I didn't watch the video yet, but my enabler father is always invalidating me, when I speak about my mom, etc etc. STuff like "It takes 2 to Tango," but whatever mom says I did something, without ever checking with me first, he would fly into a rage and blame me for whatever mom said. It's always conditional love. He plays the 'Nice guy" loving father, but when it's time for serious stuff it's always explosions, anger, rage, yelling, etc. Never conversations. This is why I also think he's a narcissist. He's also selfish, self-absorbed, a self-proclaimed know-it-all, etc. The more I look at him the more I see of Narcissism as well. He was also the Golden Child in his Dysfunctional Family origin of chaos to "Mommy Dearest" hence why he enables my narcissitic demon mother. I assume they both are narcisssitic, because my father can be downright evil. The only reason I never suspected anything was because his rage and anger usually came because of mom, but there are other times where it idnd't have ot do with mom. He was always alone in his room working on his software company, but even now, he is always alone and doing stuff by himself. He doesn't really care to spend time with his family and just does w/e he wants. Mom is teh same. Mom would always try to get us out of the house, go to summer camp and jobs to not be around her, etc. Why even have kids?

[@Anson7777]

That's so sad ... I'm so sorry for you

[@AlvinKazu]

@@Anson7777Thank you, it's hard to know what to believe anymore. I really just wish they both hated me, instead of having this chaos of "sometimes nice" and then whatever their moodswings/anger will be. My father really doesn't really show emotions about himself, it's all about mother. If I say anything bad about mom, or defend myself against her, he willl fly into a rage, but if I flip out at him, he will just stand there, and then just run away to his room. It's like he was never allowed to have his own emotions, and he only reactions when "mommy" his hurt. I assume this is how it was when he as a child, and it probably is a similar dynamic with me, as to his younger brother black sheep. Either way, I cannot be around people if they are so angry and `abusive towards me., even if they are "nice at times." I was always taught to care about mommy's feelings only (again daddy has no feelings), and that it's my fault if mommy(others) is upset at me, so it's like I want to get away from these nutjobs, but part of me wishes things could be better. I forgot who said it, but they said that you(I) already tried enough, and it's on them if thins don't work out. It was a huge lifted burden for me, since it was blamed on me by dad/parents if the relationship doesn't work out, and it must have been my fault for something. As dad says "it takes 2 to tango."

[@babyshooz]

I swear we have the exact same parents

[@AlvinKazu]

@@babyshoozSis!?! lol. All the best to you.

[@avollant]

you forgot one type of invalidation: when referring the past, you were either: not there, unavailable or accessory like a fixture on a the wall. There is nothing more infuriating and invalidating than you being told that you weren't there or unable to do anything (which is why she/he did everything) while in fact, you were there and fully present.

[@cherhaffen-ut1xb]

None of what they said was valid yet because I looked up to them took it to heart. Needs to go!😢

[@Pukeyray]

"Borrowing Self" is very interesting. I've heard sadistic behavior explained as "filling the hole in the soul" and "they're empty and unhappy so sadly this fulfills them." Seeing the sense of relief and chuckles that inflates them when they shoot others down or leaving their despised offspring sinking in their difficulties. I appreciate how you mentioned we kinda give ourselves to their judgement. We go to a God thinks we deserved salted fields and the harshest course corrections. Wild thing is this happened at a job and I knew to leave a place where my fate was sealed. Lead said he'd blame me for everything and turned out true. Scapegoated but at work. I should really spiritually disconnect and not rely on people who want to see my Zeppelin burn because they're stressed or want a fix for a problem.

[@truescotsman4103]

Both of my parents were narcissists. They tried to do this to me but I wouldn't give them anything I didn't have anything to give I was the scapegoat I was ostracized. I wasn't enough to give them supply they were hooked on drugs and money and sex this was the '70s pornography was rampant. When people lose sight of what really matters in life that's when they treat their children and loved ones any old way they please it's a means to an end.

[@Ay-B]

Wow! Jerru just described my whole childhood. 😢

[@metatron3942]

This is a very good talk I think this speaks to the heart of the matter with narcissistic parents. They're always cutting you down to build themselves up. At the same time they want you to hear their disordered thinking because it's a requirement of being who they are. That's why you can't get away from them

[@jerrywise]

I hope my videos help you see that it is possible to get away from them

[@rheinhartsilvento2576]

​@@jerrywise🙏🙏🙏💕

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

You deserve better!

[@animalames78]

My father is a cruel narcissist. Over the years I have tried to talk to him about the ways he has been beyond hurtful time and time again with my golden child brother, my father ignores me and attacks me back. It has made me ragefull, he loves my reaction and calls me a narcissist. I have cut contact many times for years at a time,he has never apologised for treating me like shit and he never will. I have to let go - every time it takes ages to heal

[@Spitfireseven]

This was about being ignored in general. When your dad is a technician that tracks spaceships to the moon you can be somebody that means nothing. I meant nothing. I meant nothing to the point that I got voted in my sixth grade class as being the peace keeper. That was because I was well versed at it at home. Other kids in school didn't really know what to make of it. What did they care? The teacher noticed and was not going to allow it to be ignored. There's always that moment when your not sure if you understand that kind of attention,... but it happened. Dad was still a shit right up to the day he shipped out to a radar station on the other side of the world. The arguments stopped. NO MORE SCREAMING AND YELLING.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹

[@lindastark8836]

Yes - helpful video!! Countless writers, bloggers, sharers :-) - only talk about adult narcissistic relationships and how damaging they are as if these relationships came out of nowhere to take the victim by surprise. It is so helpful to look back at the family of origin and unravel how the narcissistic parents primed us - it helps for us to take our power back. Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Absolutely. Thank you!

[@ORDIBEHESHTI]

Ignoring and invalidating my feelings ,gaslighting denying ,constant criticism , comparisons, invalidating my identity ,conditional approval and acceptance of me even not love , invalidating devaluing me by cruel unfair aggressive words and behaviour in front of others esp. my siblings ,some of our relatives esp. the ones who admire and love me even worse than how she ( my so called mother) did in the past when I was much younger than now.

[@Joelswinger34]

I remember being asked how I felt, then told I shouldn't feel like that. Crazymaking!

[@Lawton1111]

The way i validate myself is by sticking up for myself during debate or row for example. But this makes it worse I've noticed. It gives them some 'supply' to play the victim and/ or ridicule me further. So i now try not to retaliate thus not giving supply which is what you should do. Rise above it or get your point across in a clever fashion. But at times this can be frustrating because i feel I'm not sticking up for myself 100% like i normally would do. One great bit of psychology I once read, regarding narcissist's and their awful behaviour is "Never wrestle with a pig (pig being the narcissist), because you'll only get dirty; plus the pig likes it." Very smart advice that i thought when i read it (from a psychologist from the mid1900's) When that penny dropped i felt amazing and it does work, but i think we can all agree, it's easier said than done sometimes though, right?

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

All of what you’ve said there, I have felt with my parents. If I stand up for myself they seem to get excited in a weird way, now I understand it’s because I’m giving them negative supply. If I “grey rock” it I’m wondering if I’m doing myself damage by suppressing my real feelings. It is not easy, how blissful it would be just not to have to deal with such people in the first place.

[@Anson7777]

I wish i could meet the commenters on here in person. I would feel i finally met my "tribe". Great comments. I'm the scapegoat, but not realizing it until i turned 60? Well, it's too late! realized my life is ruined and no hope to recover...i wish i had never woken up to this, my family discarded me after i started speaking up about 3 years ago, but being alone is worse.

[@pinkrose4322]

It's never too late to wake up and get help. You're not alone.

[@krembryle]

I think that the comparing to others also includes the situations when they tell you that you can't do something, because you are not enough ONLY because the person they are comparing you to didn't do it and wasn't enough. But you are a completely different person.

[@eq2092]

Wow my parents continue to do most of these actions especially my father. When I was a teenager I was into the theater then as I grew up I lost interest. He has told me that I should have stuck with acting. When I expressed how happy I am with the path I have chosen, that I have job security, satisfaction and am respected. His response was to say I could have been just like Chadwick Boseman. That actor is dead and never started a family. My father would rather I was a dead actor, who never had a family, and left no heirs. Versus what I am now, good career, great kids and an excellent wife. I'm so tired of this trash.

[@Anson7777]

I don't mean to minimize your pain . But you have a great life now, good career, wife and children. That is how most of us wish we could have had, but many of us were so abused that we couldn't form any connections to get married in the first place. We are all alone in our 60's now. I'm glad you have a good life now. You are a survivor. Good to hear a Happy ending. Don't let your narcissistic parent ruin this for you!!!

[@eq2092]

@@Anson7777 thank you for your kind words. Thankfully there were always key people friends/mentors who helped guide me. The best decision I made was to join the military. I had some undeniable wins and that instilled the confidence in me to work through it. I learned how to function effectively in a high stress environment. I had other men that were emotionally and psychologically safe to be around I still have the self doubt, shame and guilt but the training I underwent taught me how to work through all that and I always can go to those men for support. Even though I won I still don't "feel" like it if that makes sense. There are times I get very triggered and will absolutely breakdown. I know my feelings are an overreaction so that's when I isolate and avoid making any decisions.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹

[@hannahrosa5485]

We all have a right to hold an opinion and to change that opinion at any time.

[@julianadebroen7944]

“It is important to practice voicing and sharing a opinion” 👏👏, yes, so true! I am 55 years old, together with a therapist I am working on at getting in touch with my own opinion, then voicing and sharing.

[@allisonwandaland8700]

I am the crazy one, or jave been tagged as such from my father. I go on with my lofe and dont care about what the family thinks, those who really know me, love me. The rest arent on my inner circle and they know it.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am sand and picky about who I am close to. Mt narc dad isn't one of them, despite what he thinks!

[@dancorson5822]

It’s one up or one down for the narcissist

[@infinityexpression5519]

I am immune to gaslighting and constant criticism.

[@donnetted]

Jerry all your videos are great but I especially want to thank you for this one. It certainly describes the dynamics I've experienced. I also love your humor and your analogies. Keep up the good work!

[@jerrywise]

Glad this video helped you, thanks for watching

[@tinabouman5835]

My mother used to beat me with a belt when she wasn't ignoring my needs. I was seldom told that I was loved. My step-father provided for me but he barely spoke to me at all during my childhood. My mother used to push us outside and she would say, "go play" and then she would lock the door. We weren't to come home until she called us for lunch and then we were pushed out and the door was locked until dinner. We'd eat dinner and then it was my responsibility to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes. A responsibility that was mine from 8 years old until she kicked me out at the age of 17. My brothers would bathe while I did the dishes and then I took my bath. We would all sit in the living room to watch Television for about an hour and then we were told to go to bed. If we didn't go right to bed and we weren't quiet, she'd come up the stairs with the belt. At the age of 8, she talked me into keeping a journal. I was seventeen when I realized she was reading it. I was so stupid. From 8 years old she seemed to know things she couldn't possibly know and then she'd tell me I had no secrets, she knew everything and it was because she was reading my journal. I'm so screwed up. I'm 62 and I have no sense of self. I find no joy in this life. I don't know what I'm living for. I'm so very tired.

[@Anson7777]

Awe.....I have compassion for you! I'm SOOOO sorry this happened to you.... I'm 62 u and just recently woke up to the abuse from my siblings and Mom.... When I spoke out they discarded me and even trying to turn my one and only son against me! I'm tired too, but I pray for your healing

[@tinabouman5835]

@@Anson7777 thank you

[@suzanahas4740]

Sweetheart, you weren’t stupid. You were wonderfully innocent and willing to trust a mischievous adult , bcs that is what kids do at that age. I am sorry for the experience you had as a child. Embrace and love yourself. It’s never too late to show compassion to your broken heart.

[@infinitycosmos4723]

So sorry.💔 I feel the same as your last comment.😢

[@tinabouman5835]

@@suzanahas4740 you're very kind. Thank you.

[@darinsmith2458]

i think validating myself is being there for myself

[@user-fl3rc6nv4x]

Going back60 years I remember suffering painful periods that interrupted my life and did not stop until after my first baby. Now I realise it was endometriosis not even heard of 60 years ago. Thank goodness we now know that it is a medical condition.

[@stella4977]

Thank you so much for your videos, they have opened my eyes to a whole new way of dealing with my life, the reactivity and becoming a grownup. Every day I try to listen to a few of your videos, even if I have already watched them, to combat the usual and not so healthy way my inner voice talks to me and how I see things. It really does help a lot🙏🏼

[@ndl78]

Jerry your recent videos of dealing with narcisstic families are so helpful and healing to watch ..thank you

[@user-jm5lk5vr4z]

I always got "why can't you act normal" my whole life. When i advised family of my Autism diagnosis over 10 years ago aged in my 40s, nothing but crickets. Classic "designated patient", but not a diagnosis they can accept.

[@MysteryGrey]

@user-jm5lk5vr4z. Mine would rather think that I'm just "bad seed" than to accept my autism diagnosis.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@MysteryGrey ❤‍🩹

[@anneflynn9614]

I can't have a relationship with either of my two brothers because they both invalidate me, almost almost every time I have contact with them.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

painful, resonates, much appreciated as always Jerry for your insights.

[@21cormorants]

Your points on criticism and the “envelope” the letter is delivered in, and from what height is SO helpful. Not only in having a better viewpoint of where people are coming at to me, and where I’m coming at to others, too. Thank you.

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

When i was naive, i was more at ease, accepting abuse for a while and went away from that person. Now that i am aware of everything i am constant on edge and never find peace anymore within. Now i feel anger, fits of rage, am very reactive. Before i was docile and more empathic towards the ones who treat me bad. Now i could slap them. Being aware, working constantly on yourself, being aware is so exhausting that i can not even function at all and can not work anymore, being so on edge with high bloidpressure that i can not even sleep anymore on time. If i could go back, i would. I feel i do not want to deal with anyone anymore. Now that i am so stressed chronically from all the awareness around me, i feel more and more sick. I mean...quit everyone abuses in one way or form and now i feel surrounded by wolves ( i like real wolves ) in human versions. It is not bearable anymore.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

I was there. It's a " doorway of pain". Change your diet( get rid of sugar, processed foods and seed oils). It gets better. Please try feeding yourself better. I know that I ate badly during that painful awakening, but it can be turned around.

[@PaigeSquared]

Yes!! It took me awhile to not be cruel to myself. I am still learning all the ways I was trained to not "honor myself." Which is really strange to try to share with people with a semi-normal upbringing. That's why it seemed acceptable, when others treated me poorly. The world changed when my inner voice changed, and I did have to do that by myself. I have a difficult time saying something or standing firm *in the moment* with covert insults and assumptions, accusations folded neatly into "innocent" seeming statements. I usually just separate, distance myself. The person that gives me the most problems, can yank me into playing my assigned role and being controlled by system feelings before I even know what is happening. I hate it, so I limit exposure, as much as I can get away with, but still not as much as I'd prefer. A few months ago, there was a blatant insult tied into what seemed to be, to witnesses, a directive; it could have even been misconstrued as a sort of supportive bit of guidance, given the external circumstances. Only that person and I knew that if I cooperated, I was admitting that I was a liar, inept or incapable, also unable to accurately measure what I can and cannot do or handle; that the other person knew more about something they had no actual involvement or business in, and that the specific support I had attempted to secure, was in fact, totally incorrect. I would be agreeing with the presumption that this person knows what is best for me and my wellbeing, and that I couldn't possibly have any information or insight that was relevant. But we weren't the only two people in the room. I unfortunately did react to the insult, and it definitely did appear like an over reaction, compared to the tone it was delivered in. I didn't apologize and I didn't give in on what was expected of me, but the other person still got to see me get upset and got to frame me into looking unhinged, intentionally. It was a show for someone new in the family circle, trying to get them to buy into the family narrative, with me as the identified patient. 🙄🙏🏻 I forget how I framed it, but I do remember I couldn't call out the person for the underhanded jab, but I was able to get the support my son & I needed. I left the room took some breaths and focused on what was important. Just a bit of turbulence. 😅🥲

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

That’s a great way to visualize it. With the hands. As long as that continues, a person can really get pushed so far down that it just can’t get any lower for them. I think my healing journey has been a help tho. I guess they don’t like me now sort of grabbing their hands and pushing them down and lifting my hand up higher. Lol

[@amberv4223]

Thank you. I’m 41 and just starting to see that I have PTSD. I tried to speak yesterday over dinner and she just spoke over me and didn’t even notice.

[@poppy4511]

About 8 yrs ago I experienced neurological issues that left me incapable of walking without support. My mother made a 14 hr drive to visit my son and I. Her first words were how horrible I looked that it made her physically ill to even look at me. Mind you I was on many medications and immobile for nearly 6 months. in all actuality I gained 25 lbs. I shrugged it off, because she would react the same if I gained 5 lbs. The following day we took her to the farmers market, I was struggling in pain trying to walk down the 3 flights of stairs. She huffed and said she would wait in the car, my 10 yr old son helped me down the stairs so I wouldn’t fall. By the time I got into the car she started applauding and said I should get an Oscar for my acting! These are just the normal vile things I have been told throughout my life, I am 51 and it’s only gotten worse as she is now in her 80s. She still thinks she is the embodiment of perfection.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹

[@agak61]

Borrowing ☺️ it’s more like stealing your life

[@dakoderii4221]

I've watched some of your videos a few years ago. They had good information then but you've leveled up bigtime. The information is concise and able to be quickly and easily understood.

[@jerrywise]

Just trying to improve. I used to do everything and did it the best I could, now I have help. Thanks for watching.

[@EvelynFluyeVida]

The worst kind of narcissists live and are from 3rd world countries. I Know it So well. I feel proud that because el town efforts, I have access to this wisdom and So I am not brainwashed anymore. Courage and devotion to Truth is required.

[@SoniaProteau-cj6tk]

In my situation I had no choice, I can only control by behaviour nobody else s, I lack awareness and I know where to go for a coffee at the women s shelter, I know my ressources.😊

[@brennanleyen]

Great vid as usual

[@SoniaSonia-qw1zo]

I am grateful for what I have, in my situation it could of been worst.

[@YAHAYAH_369]

Thank You For Your Service 🌞

[@tims9434]

You are amazing Jerry. You help me to understand my dysfunctional family. I can certainly see the benefits your programme could offer me and is something I'm thinking of whilst I watch your videos. I have learning disabilities so I need to plan properly where I'd want the help, nothing is straightforward for me so I'm subscribed and I'll watch everyone of your videos for now. Thanks again.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for your kind words. I have over 450 videos on my channel and I have free recourses on my website, you might find them helpful www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/

[@Susan-lf2hl]

​@@jerrywisewow you are so generous!!

[@bp6h]

I love these videos so much!

[@kathleendinsmore7588]

Thank you! I love to hear the voice of reason, something that is so lacking in dysfunctional and narcissistic parenting.

[@connie9492]

JERRY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SANITY AND KIND EDUCATION!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome

[@EvaEva-lf3ww]

So true. As ıf you saw my Npd relatives :). Thank you so much for such a deep understanding and description

[@pattyrooney1323]

Thank you, Jerry!

[@Revan82726]

My mother would “pray” for my behavior to change as I went from being toddler to school age. She would than tell me “You used to be so sweet and giving. I don’t know what happened to you.” My sister was turned into the black sheep and she would orchestrate fights to make my sister the problem and if sister would just behave we could be a family. I’ve finally cut her off after watching her not caring about me and only wanting access to my toddler and calling my child her “baby”. Not her grandbaby and acting possessive. Of course there’s a lot more of what she’s done that I had to come to this decision to protect my peace.

[@sweepapawahpaxtan2274]

not all experience invalidation by parents , only those who experience can understand their feelings , there are also parents who care but not all have such parents

[@TheGreatPower365]

Thank you for your kind words Jerry. People like you remind me the standards and assumptions my parents pushed on me are not normal.

[@euumiii]

Thank you❤

[@nillarohr9872]

You are a very sweet and pedagogic narc therapist so even if i feel drained rigth now..i listen! Valdidation problem is a severe problem ...will try the reversing theme!😌

[@jerrywise]

program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@theartfullibrarian4109]

Thank you always informative and insightful. Thank you.

[@koneberhanbelay3534]

I can't just pass this by, without expressing my amazement, about the lessons, I am just listening to, for it fells like it is concerning my own life story/history. Thank you very much.

[@jerrywise]

Wow, thank you!

[@koneberhanbelay3534]

@@jerrywise ❤️❤️❤️

[@acidqueen69]

I'm glad I found your channel

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for watching!

[@libralove8761]

You out did yourself in this one so I subscribed. Thank you. It’s my mother who’s the narc and my brother is golden child. Your videos have been helpful. Thanks again.

[@jerrywise]

Welcome aboard!😃

[@kingkazma3246]

To think my mom, brother and dad are all narcissists, no wonder god helped me to move out! 😢

[@nrolevol2]

Your videos make me think you absolutely met my dad and grew up with him. I was reading a reddit post about why parents disown their kids and many of them report addictions and criminal activities My sister and I have none of that. We're college educated and raising kids. We got disowned because we didn't visit him enough, make him look good enough, give him the right presents, or whatever other ridiculous thing he finds. He denies ruining my sister's wedding despite many witnesses saying otherwise. But he somehow thinks my sister "plays the victim" and ruined her own wedding.

[@thecatfarm]

All of this. Thanks Jerry.

[@jerrywise]

You're welcome!

[@annabella6757]

Great video❤

[@jerrywise]

Glad you found it helpful, thanks for watching

[@sunshinesunflowerz1647]

Definitely see this is in both parents