Covert Narcissistic Mother or Father: The HIDDEN Abuse No One Sees

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@robertmcgirr401]

Wish I had someone tell me these things when I was younger. They really can destroy you.

[@SibyllaCumana]

I feel you

[@RunmeiMeek]

Same here. My mother the covered narcissist abused me since I was 3, “ you are not pretty enough, your face is too big, your nose bridge is too low…” and talked to neighbor lady while I was with her she said, I did not expected her at all I couldn’t through her away, I just have to keep her.” I thought I was unwanted, I was not pretty in her eyes, and I needed to please her with doing lot chores, taking care of her make her comfortable, then she would think that I am worthy to keep. Silent treatment, slapped my face for I did not do anything wrong , told my father for that she told me to wash dishes but I was reading a book, then my dad took out his built wiped me I cried and said I do not want stay in your family anymore, but I was too young to leave home , I just have to put up with all the abuses. One day I came home my mother slapped my face, she said the former maid lady who said that she washed my under wear;Who shared my bed room , she worked for other family at that time, but no place to live, my parents agree let her live in my bedroom , she was trying to tell my mother that she washed my thing while I was out. Then I got this slapped , my mother secretly told me “I slapped you but I was trying to let her feeling bad” . Thanks to this channel I meet people who have the similar childhood like I had when I was a little child.

[@FreedomAboveAll4]

Yes, me to.

[@VgVi13]

@@RunmeiMeek Totally same here. 😪

[@bchristian85]

I'm now 40 with no life if my own, no friends, and no hope because of my covert narcissist mother. I still have her, but only her. She deliberately sabotaged every area of my life so that all I have is her, and now it's too late for me to really change that.

[@DesiRush1]

One thing I noticed about narcissists is that they never, ever die. If you're dealing with a narcissist parent in your 20's or 30's, guess what . . . it's even less fun in your 50's and 60's.

[@joseenoel8093]

I'm no contact except for sending occasional cards, she's 86 years old and I'm 63, the woman couldn't even have me visit for a nice cup of tea, too much of a stretch for her, so be it! 🎉

[@forgiven5919]

You are so right they live a long time. My "mother" is 78 yo but still the same hater and contempt for her only daughter.

[@allisonandrews4719]

It’s not funny but at some point it is. My family is a disaster but a good friend of mine, her nightmare FIL is 94! Her MIL is 92. They have been divorced so the MIL’s personality softened a tiny tiny bit 40 years ago but mostly it’s narcissistic abuse 24/7. Thank god for paid companions. 94!! Still going strong. At least I know what’s possible. Mine are only in their 70s.

[@allisonandrews4719]

@@forgiven5919Amen. It’s a kind of contempt that knows no passage of time. The scary thing to think is that this same contempt was once directed at a small girl. The fact that it never changes makes it possible to study it now as it was 20, 30, 50, 60 years ago.

[@SFVGIRL]

Amen to that, @DesiRush1

[@jennjay2507]

At this point, I just want my damaged parents to stay away from me. I can’t anymore 😢

[@ec1222]

You really do need to get away some times in order to heal from their overwhelming mind-destroying presence. You can decide later whether you want to allow them into your peace again, and in what doses you feel comfortable. ❤

[@jillwhiting919]

I went no contact from my Narc mom and feel so much better.

[@HFTLH]

Same here, I made the mistake of breaking no contact. Very bad idea. I'm now completely no contact with my entire family and anyone else trying to get involved and moved over 1,000 miles away.

[@CrazyTimesEh]

So did i! Best 2 years of my life!​@@HFTLH

[@lizardorita6110]

I’m sorry, sweetheart. Know that you are not alone.

[@heyitsme5469]

You nailed it again! This is my mother behind closed doors. No one would ever believe the abuse she dishes out because she is the nicest, calmest,most kind and helpful person to the outside world.

[@SibyllaCumana]

💯

[@shreyaindia4024]

How do u deal when she abuses u... And u react.. And then she shows the world what a monster u r who tortures her ?... How do u deal with that ?... I need desperate help

[@heyitsme5469]

@@shreyaindia4024 i am extremely low contact with her and in therapy. Her main tactic is triangulation now to attempt to turn my family members against me. I don’t engage anymore.

[@jillwhiting919]

@@heyitsme5469 I understand what you are saying. I have the same kind of Narc Mom. God Bless and let us both move on and not stay trapped

[@cathlaurs9754]

​@@shreyaindia4024: High there. How you deal with it: first you recognise the abuse and damage, which you have already done. Then you find a good therapist - I recommend an experienced Transactional Analysis practitioner. When you're ready you cut off contact with your parent/family. It can be a hard road but staying is harder. I wish you the very, very best. Remember this - you can't change them but you can change yourself and your life 👍

[@abigailkendrick]

My mother’s signature moves are passive aggressiveness and silent treatment.

[@mercedesvallar3384]

Same as my dad's wife

[@alllifematters]

Mine is guilt , also silent treatment but I love the silent treatment tho. Also a constant control struggle..

[@abigailkendrick]

@@alllifematters constant control struggle

[@llb6234]

That can really frighten a child who does not understand why. I just experienced it with a crazy narc sister-in-law who wants control over the estate. She started talking crazy so I did gray rock and it worked.

[@Frances864]

Heading into week 6 of mom’s current silent treatment 😂 I’ve long been over it.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

My mother!!!! A travel agent for guilt trips. A PhD in silent treatment No contact for 11 years. Healing and growth and recovery happens daily Thank you for validation

[@princessak21]

No contact too for 4 years - once I bump into her in on the street she totally fucks up my mood but yeah - I don’t talk to any of my family and it gets lonely but guess what I got use to it

[@mnemosynevermont5524]

Beware, if they turn back up, any contact can cause huge setbacks.

[@lindastark8836]

My family looked great on the outside - financially secure, well-fed, well-dressed, well-housed, well-educated, country club, successful business of my father's, cultured mother, while living in that house felt empty, cold, emotionally corrupt, full of rage and despair, totally joyless. No one in the community, even extended family on both sides, thought there could have been a problem. So I experienced covert narcissistic abuse in all of the forms described here. Thank you Jerry for shedding light on a silent but very real traumatic experience. The unseen abuse is very difficult to come to terms with for exactly that reason - it's unseen. But since it does very real and concrete damage, it's videos like these that bring it up to the light for what it is - serious abuse that must be healed from. Thank you.

[@SibyllaCumana]

That's one hard fact. Nobody believes the abuse...

[@lishmahlishmah]

Same here, excluding "well-fed" and "well-dressed". So, all the people around thought I was sort of weird person, especially as a teenager. The family was good, the golden child was good too, then ...Why is the girl that way? It must be her... (Actually, me too, I believed I was The Problem. They gaslighted me a lot. At 13 yrs old I was dressed mostly with my mother's old dresses. Not suitable for a teenager at all. She bought almost nothing for me... Go figure!). Moreover, the financial abuse (hidden under various forms) was still damaging me until recent days. Plus... One parent is both covert _and_ malignant.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Btw. _strange_ 🥴 The strange English you are reading is because I'm Italian living in Italy. I never speak English in real life. I only studied it at school. I apologize for any possible grammar and vocabulary mistake

[@kristienvanlaar5637]

@@lishmahlishmah Oh, i feel with you, had several same experiences, i also had to wear terrible ashaming clothes and shoes, old ones from my oldish mother. I was not allowed to have my own taste and style, i had to wear hers and when i criticesed it, she became very aggressive, start yelling and shouting very hrd to me. It was only when i left my parents and start working for my studies and housing all by myself, that i finally also had the possibility to choose my own clothes because i had to pay from than on also everything bymyself. And than, she was so jealous of the clothes I was wearing ans always telling me that i bought to many clothes ... Finally, i could decide over my own outfits and bought it many times in sales at half of the prices, so i told her that i could buy double more clothes because of that. But still, she was avery angry because i had than more clothes and in my own taste and style, which she didn't want me to have. How terrible can you be as a mom? Till I was 23 i alwasy had to hear that i don't know anything about fashion, style, tastes, etc... But now, i'm the one who always get the compliments at family getherings because of my beautiful outfits, and you can immediately see the rage on her face than. Also my father has noticed it many times that she cannot tolerate it when i get compliments for my outfits. For my sister, who came 3 y later, the rules were complitely different. She could have her own taste and style, she didnot had to wear ugly clothes from my mom, she could have a lot of clothes... And she was always treated like the princes, and now, she became a narcissist as well and she thinks that she is the queen.

[@lishmahlishmah]

@@kristienvanlaar5637 I can relate in so many ways. In my case there's a difference as for my father's behavior. He was (and still is) a flying monkey of my mother. Actually, it's not clear if he is a narcissist too. Anyhow he has many narcissistic traits and/or he is mimicking and supporting my mother bc he fears her revenge for any actions... he went through many serious retaliations by my mother when he tried to "agree" with someone else in the family. So, year after year, decade after decade, he became more and more a sort of slave... A very cruel flying monkey, so to speak. Very interesting that sort of competition (for the "best" outfits and many other fields), too. It seems to be very common in the narcissistic mothers. Healthy mothers always try to give cute dresses and good hair cuts to their daughters. My mother cut my (beautiful) hair with very short male style when I was a little girl and for all elementary school (in Italy it is from 5-6 to 10-11 yrs old)

[@onazna7123]

My nother 100%. It was crazymaking my whole life. She portraied herself as a sint like martir mother while she acted all the ways mentioned. I felt drained, doubting myself, hypervigilant and exploited and yet could not pinpoint what was wrong

[@AI1983-r1k]

same

[@annedas2726]

Me too. Am glad so many of us can make sense of what we experienced by listening to validating and educational videos by Jerry and others. I have gone no contact since few months. Prayer and connection with divine is the only thing that gave me strength to make most difficult realizations and decisions to cut of toxic family. May you continue to heal and may your divine connection keep getting stronger 🌈🌈

[@deborahdicembre9579]

same

[@MiRiAmetje]

Same, good luck to you! ❤

[@AA-iy4gm]

- They don't always tell you in obvious ways that they don't approve of you and your ways, they talk about other people in a negative light over the years so that you can be conditioned to learn what they consider worthy and what they loathe. - They don't show contempt for others in obvious ways in front of them, they use the passive aggressiveness that you described, using jokes to make fun of others and sometimes make fun of them some more for being sensitive if they don't take their jokes as they were intended. - They do small acts of service or compliment certain people, usually people of at least some importance, to create a fascade of a nice, fun person to the community. Covert doesn't necessarily mean introvert or something like that, but rather a different, more subtle way of applying the narcissism. - They don't compliment you as their child unless they are about to ask for some favor, but they often compliment other people's kids in front of you. It can be quite hard to recognize this, sometimes impossible because its a slow paced, long term, manipulative game wrapped up in denial, gaslighting, codependency et cetera. Thank you Jerry for being the only channel that's devoted for shedding this much light on narcisistic parents specifically.

[@DarkAlleyDolls]

You described my mother so well! It took me such a long time to see she was a N. When I realized I had all the symptoms of a person raised by a narcissist I was perplexed as none of my parents fit the description of a typical narcissist. My mother was not only covert in her narcissistic ways, she was also neglectful, cold and disconnected vs the enmeshed "caring" type.

[@AA-iy4gm]

I've learned that often goes hand in hand, the detached state, the emotional neglect, being perceived as weak for having emotions but being a useful tool as a free therapist and a good listener type of friend instead of a child, contradictory but its not easy to see when its normalized and something you grow up in. Best wishes on your healing journey, the big step being recognizing it because some people don't even get there and continue to be used and manipulated.

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

I hate my parents. You can recover. Don’t give up. I got away.

[@ec1222]

Great comment.

[@camillapalmer82]

I’m going to write your comment down in my diary so I can return to it when I’m in a moment of mental confusion and disregulation. It perfectly describes my experience of my parents. Thank you.

[@mkthinks7455]

Covert narcissists I think are the worst because it is so confusing to be around this behaviour. If someone is openly agressive towards you then you have something concrete to push against and you can defend yourself at least psychologically. You can clearly distinguish that they are an agressor and they are in the wrong here. But when the agression is sneaky and when you speak up you get gaslighted and blamed then it is hard to hold onto yourself. I was always told I'm interpreting things negatively, I'm too sensitive seeing criticism where it wasn't meant, I can't take a joke because I'm treating myself too seriously. And then you are left thinking, maybe I am wrong. After all they are my parents and they say they love me. And sometimes there are really good times with them and from the outside it does look like a happy family and you just so want that to be true.

[@meanimeconingles]

I am on my way to move out. Won't stand this anymore. God willing.

[@Bonsqueesquee]

Stay strong

[@carolelandon7534]

EXCELLENT!!! 'Covert abuse'...is especially insidious and crazy-making!!! Can take years... to 'reset our sails' toward HEALTH and healing!!! Thank you, Jerry, for ALL your wisdom and sharing!!! 🌹

[@SibyllaCumana]

And finally it's talked about. Nobody believes psychological abuse is real

[@DailyDose926]

During my high school graduation I could hear my adopted mother cheering for me. After graduation, we head to brunch. In the car my adopted mother decided to say, " You know you shouldn't of graduated right? The school just pushed you through because they didn't want their credibility as a school to take a hit". I immediately removed my graduation cap. I wanted to cry. I had untreated ADHD and struggled to learn. My adopted mother downplayed my ADHD and would call me lazy and say I was "full of excuses". My senior year I stayed after school almost everyday in order to receive 1 on 1 help. I then had to walk home, which took me an hour-long because my high school was in the next town over. My adopted family refused to pick me up. I would get home and have to hear about how I hadn't done anything all day to help out around the house. Immediate guilt tripping was my adopted mother's way of avoiding taking accountability for her lack of interest in me and lack of empathy. When she ruined my graduation it made me feel like a pathetic loser. I didn't persue college. Instead I moved out 1 week later in the middle of the night on my 18th birthday. I never contacted her again. That witch did everything possible to k!ll my self-esteem and my potential.

[@matthewdietzen6708]

You likely don't have ADHD, except as a side effect of abuse. It's probably an anxiety response.

[@oropeza899]

Are you a psychiatrist? Dont say stupid shit, ADHD is very real and people with ADHD struggle a lot. What you just did was minimizing his Adhd just like his step-mother did. Also there a lot of evidence that suggest adhd having a genetic component and being as clinically importan as clincal depresion or OCD. The idea that Adhd es generated by trauma is utherly nonesense. Please dont regurgitate what Dr Amen or Gabor Mate says. And consult a profesional​@@matthewdietzen6708

[@sophiasometimes9818]

😢 sorry you went thru that.i moved out in the middle of the night at 19

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

I'm so sorry, that's just disgusting. My mother said similar to my daughter, about the school doing their best to make it "seem" like she was passing. My girl was working so hard, just to keep getting out of bed and actually attend school. ADD, ASD and GAD, plus other issues. She didn't need anyone adding their "helpful" comments.

[@knit1purl1]

OMG I am so sorry. That's horrible. My mother ruined my 8th grade graduation. I never went to my high school or college graduation. I was over 30 when I graduated from college and there were people in that college older than me because there were a lot of military in the area. It's never too late. You did the right thing by going no contact. If I could again, I would have.

[@irinamladenoska7539]

Thank you, Jerry. I have a narc mom. Infantilization and learned helplesness and blackmail, guilt tripping amd blame shifting, are also issues.

[@bereal6590]

Definitely, both mine are narcissistic in different ways. My mother is such a martyr and has pulled on my heart strings my whole life. I can see her vulnerability, her pain, her problems, the reverse is not true. Now elderly and hand her lose friends have passed and my father is worse than ever she turned to me to fulfil her needs. I'm very sick and cant do what she wants. Instead of being supportive she has been contemptuous and disdainful and hasndnd called me weak. A mother calling you weak, I can't get that out of my head. I would never say that to anyone! Let alone my chronically ill child who has lost everything. Then came the guilt tripping "other kids call their mother's every day", "other kids go out with their mothers", "let's go on holiday". On my d.v. relationship "I could have handled him"! Then it's the sweet and sickly, "let me come over and give you a hug" "let me rub your back", "your father just misses you, loves you" etc.

[@josiah5776]

My mother was a covert narcissist. My father was a grandiose narcissist. He was the perfect cover for her, giving her the opportunity to revel in victimhood opposite his overt abuse. She flew under the radar for decades until he died and she needed a new "bad guy" opposite whom to play the victim. That became me. She did every single thing stated in this video ... and I began to see how she had always been doing them before. She grew increasingly nasty with age. I have never seen a more bitter, nasty, critical, and ugly person in my life. One of her favorite phrases was, "It is a mother's job to criticize her son." I cut all contact with her when I was in my 50s. Predictably, she turned the entire extended family against me with her smear campaign. I did not discover she had died until a year after the fact. All I felt was relief. I haven't felt even a small twinge of missing her.

[@jessicatyler5033]

I'm going through the exact same thing currently, only it's my grandma.

[@deborahdicembre9579]

I had the same parental dynamic. Covert mum , grandiose dad - nitro and glycerine I called them - my childhood was a constant simmering then k'boom explosion. I was the scapegoat , my older sister the golden child. When my parents split , both their new spouses aged 20 yrs in 2. These people were hard work - they just wore folks down. All the parents passed away and my elder sibling is now the covert narc x 10 - much worse than my mother but desperately trying to hide it - perennial victim, bitter, jealous, energy vampire. She can suck the air and light right out of the room. I used to feel sorry for her but it's killing me - my children can't tolerate her presence - so it's no contact now & my nervous system is re-regulating. Looong journey.

[@josiah5776]

@@deborahdicembre9579 Nitro and glycerin. That's an excellent description. I was the only child of 4 who lived, so there was no golden child. Only me the scapegoat. My mother was the worst of the two. Although my father was overtly cruel when I was a child, he was pleasant to be around when I became an adult and larger than him. My mother just grew ever more nasty, especially the last 25 years after my father died. Energy (and joy) vampire, indeed. I cut her off a few years before she died and she managed to turn the entire family against me in that short period. I am sure she had already laid the ground work for that years earlier. The only regret I have is that I didn't cut her off sooner. It's terrible that there are so any of these parents around.

[@pavla2055]

My scapegoating covert narc mother remains the most evil destructive entity that I had in my life . I pity all children having to grow up with one of these selfish destructive parents .

[@thereisnostore]

My mom is a literal monster

[@TinaBUTCHER-ph1ph]

My mother to a tee. There is a part of me that wants to just walk away when friends talk about how wonderful their mother was/is. I wonder what that must be like

[@Lilyxiia]

Yes, I hear you, same here

[@perfumepixie2237]

My mum gave me a nervous breakdown.

[@andriyandriychuk]

Suddenly you realize it never was your fault or about you. You just weren't lucky to be born in narcissistic family system. This is not about you. Your 'wrongs' are results of narcissistic abuse: in health, behaviour. But there is nothing inherently wrong with you. The wrong was done to you. The wrong was the situation. The wrong was the family system. Dynamics was wrong. It was sick. You were right about so many things. Your gut always knew the truth. Now is a time to heal and take risks. Get out.

[@bereal6590]

Perfectly said ✌️

[@myriamflores7200]

Thanks!

[@annapintor2648]

❤️❤️❤️

[@jodilewis5593]

It took me three therapists before one finally told me it was her, not me. The healing from that point was very slow, but at last, I was on the right track.

[@shubhan2002]

Thanks to the internet ❤

[@bogifabian1]

I broke no-contact today and got rejected badly 😭 I can rebuild myself again. Please send me some loving energy 🙏❤️ Wow “: thank you all so much, your words feel like a warm hug right now 🫂I will come back to this comment section whenever I feel the urge to try with them. If it weren’t for these educational materials and the community around it I wouldn’t make it. Emotional incest is real. Stay safe and be blessed everyone, you brave⚡️❤️🙏

[@juliej1520]

Hmmm my thinking is that this isnt about rejecting. This would imply some thinking on their part... its a reaction, doing what has worked before. I was glad when they rejected me as it would give me a reason to stay detached. You can say you tried... but there is no fix with a narcissist. Good luck🎉🎉

[@jodirauth8847]

You can heal through determination and love your self

[@TheFilmLocker]

I almost broke no contact too coming up on a year of silence. I didn't in the end for this very reason. Don't worry about breaking no contact. Just remember if you ever get the urge to so it again just remember the times you've tried and there was no effort given back. Also write! When you have the urge to contact. Write your feelings down and this will usually be enough so you don't ever have to reach out again. Good luck!✨

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I have broken no contact and been immediately reminded why I went no contact to begin with. It's awful, but for me anyway it was important to have the reminders. I wish I did not have to be in no contact, but I have to protect myself from being annihilated emotionally and spiritually, which led to physical and financial annihilation. I wish you the best. It hurts to go through this. The pain will help us remember the next time we are considering breaking no contact. ☮️

[@staciwhite1256]

It really hurts now, but I promise, it will be okay. All they did was prove to you that you made the right choice when you went no contact in the first place. Make sure they just got the last bit of supply from you they’re ever going to get. They didn’t deserve even that. I’d say you were very generous in allowing them one last chance. You’re not buying into the narcissistic delusion of the family. It takes real mental fortitude and strength of character to break away and see reality for what it is. Keep using your powers of discernment, they do you credit.

[@annafilban2859]

I once told my parent very respectfully to stop pointing out what I was eating because I was on a diet and she was laughing at my food choices. Needless to say this didn't go down very well. She kept saying "This is all in your head. This is not me, this is YOU etc." I was so delicate and even blamed myself because I didn't want this reaction. The next week our family came over and while we were all in the kitchen she called my name. I turned around and right then she ate a piece of bread and said, "This is so good!". How could my extended family have known? This is a perfect example of covert narcissism.

[@daringgreatly8473]

And knowing you were stuck unable to defend yourself because people were there who wouldn’t understand. How cruel!! I’m so sorry! 😞 ❤

[@rubycubez1103]

Horrible! And if you would've had a reaction (rightfully so), you would look crazy to them. I'm sorry

[@Frances864]

I feel you. I’ve been vegetarian for over five years now because of health reasons and my mom always finds a way to talk about the delicious cut of meat she’s preparing or just ate. Meat dominates 20% of every conversation. Thankfully she also gives me the silent treatment so those conversations are down to once a month. I also retired out of state to avoid all family holidays where the meat is plentiful

[@Frances864]

@@theroadtoDamascasI’m not that brave😂I do count the silent treatment as a blessing. For me the current struggle is getting over how society views me for rejecting my mother. Oddly enough, though, I’ve recently found out that three of my friends have a family member that they have separated from (but never said it out loud)so they do not judge me. It’s more common than we think. I think we mourn the “normal”childhood we think we missed out on.

[@princeekeson12]

Wow. Passive-aggressiveness at its finest.

[@montereyspike]

"Love" was always conditional and withheld...entirely, performance-based. This, so-called, "love" was a rarity, one that was only dispensed when the, then-Golden-Child was able to bring, "Glory" upon the family and the family-name. In all reality, there never was any real, "love", just a very twisted game set up by literal monsters, a game that could NEVER BE WON!

[@FreedomAboveAll4]

Feigning helplessness 10:05 My mother did that alwas, pretending she doesn't know something, or she is dumb,forcing or letting me always to do or overdo everything i didn't had to, bcs all the time she could do that things. She is so insidious. Few times she watching me physically or mentally suffer and struggle while doing something for her, even she was very capable to do that to. Snake.

[@AA-iy4gm]

They always seem to have an excuse as to why they cant do something and use that same excuse for years, meanwhile in that time they could have actually learned to do that thing, but they don't want to be bothered, they must imagine themselves as deserving of butlers, but since many aren't rich, kids will do

[@NightMystique13]

Sounds just like my estranged nmom.

[@rubycubez1103]

I understand what you mean! The internet nowadays is discussing how men use weaponized incompetence but no one talks about how some mothers use it against their own daughters so they dont have to parent.

[@thatbeaatcch9884]

My mother and her family specifically advised I act helplessness to achieve what I want.

[@rubycubez1103]

One of the interesting talents Ive developed from having a mother like this is picking up very quickly if another mother is like this to her child. Its something in their tone, the energy behind the eyes. The fake "I do anything for my kids. I give so much" speeches to complete strangers doesnt hide that the person could be emotionally dumping on and neglecting their kids on a daily basis. It also goes beyond parenting. I had to recently distance myself from a coworker because she reminded me of my mother. She had similar covert qualities. These ppl are exhausting!

[@eroberts1204]

My mother always told us she couldn't put her children first front of someone else's.

[@mnemosynevermont5524]

There's also the "I don't know what you're talking about" and "that never happened."

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Covert narcisists are wolves in sheep’s clothing. A really good test is to ask ourselves how we feel after an encounter with someone- better, not affected positively or negatively or if we feel worse. If we feel worse there’s our red flag to pay attention to.

[@gloriabartolome3123]

problem is during the day, they can be all of these things... That's what makes us all confused.

[@SibyllaCumana]

So glad you made this video. I suffer from CPTSD and I keep on being invalidated because people cannot believe that my narcissistic family would be capable of horrible gaslighting and manipulation. Constant need for validation, struggling with self-worth, seeking validation=me to a T. It's been hell.

[@deniselindahl9450]

I had malignant narcissist step mother and a covert narcissist birth father. I'm 62 and trying to deal with and heal. I have health issues from their abuse. I take solice in the fact that they will answer to God at judgement. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. Lord please come soon.

[@Chrystal-nt2wc]

You got it right. The righteous part is, whether he comes back soon, or they cross over first, they WILL face God. Be well.🌹

[@mercedesvallar3384]

❤

[@angieburnett4341]

I'm so sorry for what you've went through. I know it's been said forever, but Jesus IS coming so very soon--we are at the end of man's time on earth and Jesus is about to remove the church/believers and release wrath on this earth. I've studied eschatology for about the last decade and if you know where to get genuine news you'll realize where we are, Israel is God's prophetic time clock. Two youtube channels I watch every day is Lisa @ channel Watchwoman65, and Chris @ channel Globalrapturewatchers. For anyone not saved, 1 Corinthians 15, 1-4. Your pain here on earth is almost over. Love, hugs & God Bless you 💕💕

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

🙏

[@joseenoel8093]

Knowing is half the battle, stay wise, keep watching and learning, this stuff is fascinating, I put my kids first and that's not very hard to do! 😊

[@juliebeau2011]

It took me 42 years to find out that my father is a covert narcissist. No psychotherapist I went to ever mentioned narcissism. Thank you, Jerry for the validation.

[@JayEss73]

Took me 51 years

[@jodiellen9844]

You described my mom to a T

[@matthewackermanaski9687]

Both of parents are covert. They manipulated everyone around me, even therapists into making me the faulty one, and goddammit if these bastards are good at it. I hope one day i'll go complete no contact.

[@caroleminke6116]

No contact works best 😉

[@brendaleigh7834]

You can go no contact. You CHOOSE not to. It's your choice.

[@VgVi13]

@matthewackermanaski9687 You won't regret it!!! My mom keeps trying to get back in my life but it's not going to happen. she's in her late 80's and I'm close to 70. I'm done with my whole family.

[@iamafairyqueen]

@@brendaleigh7834it’s bigger than that mate, don’t victim blame, that’s what our parents do

[@matthewackermanaski9687]

@@brendaleigh7834 I'm dependent on them, for now. When i finally realized that they're narcissists, it was only recently. I'm only 27, but I've read stories of older people in their 40s/50s/60s only then realizing what was wrong with their parents, so it can take a while for some people, because then again, narcissists are really good at keeping you confused.

[@luminyam6145]

I simply loathe my covert narcissist father in law. He has done so much damage to my husband and the rest of his family. He passed away many years ago now but the effects of his poison has filtered down through his family. I will never forgive and I will tell my grandchildren about this. His legacy is dirt.

[@ASaltyGurl]

Yes, please tell the family the truth. I have the same thing with in-laws. The damage they did to my partner and their whole family was beyond disgusting. They hated me because I didn't back down, in fact I dug my heels in more and was hated and threatened. I wasted 45+ years with these inbreds. I'm angry with myself that I know nothing about narcissism. I was ignorant.

[@luminyam6145]

@@ASaltyGurl I was ignorant my whole life about narcissism, it is only since the internet and following ppl who discuss it that I have been able to put the pieces together. Good on you for standing up for the truth.

[@jacklarm2170]

Same here, but it’s my mother in law. She’s still alive at 93 and my partner fails to see that her mother always plays the victim and expects to be cared for even though she manipulates everyone around her. She humiliates her own family while supporting her abusive partner who is 20 years younger than her. She is extremely emotionally immature and has no hesitation in talking badly about her own family behind our backs.

[@cherylreed4377]

My MIL was talking behind our backs for a year while we lived with her- she made my hubby feel so bad because she was all alone and nobody ever calls her and we are so far away so we retired and came to live with her - this was 2020 when the plague hit 😮 that was all the reason she needed and wow she's the most manipulative and insincere person I know😢we spent a year doing her bidding but it was never enough and wow can she turn on the charm with acquaintances but at the same time give the silent treatment to us - unbelievable and sad!! I finally said to hubby I'm out of here you can come if you want and he did 😅

[@maggiesalle2256]

As a 58 y/o single lady (never married), many in my religion talk to me in a command tone and/or yelling about a social faux pas. Some will claim they were trying to help. No, that is verbal and emotional abuse over a small thing. The goal is control, not help. Unsolicited advice is generally mean.

[@sandracrandall4561]

REAL CARing Christian s know God made you Unique, Lovely, special, different & perfect in His sight. Ignore those who fake being lovers if God. Shame on them! U B U 👍💖

[@danielbridgewater3444]

If a narcissist ever uses the that line "you're very attractive for a fat person" ... Just reply "you're not". That'll shut'em up.

[@jeankipper6954]

Well. Maybe, immediately. But they NEVER forget, or forgive. And are MUCH better at it than we are.

[@gawill2327]

My mother got me to join “fat club” as she called it. It was slimming world. I hated every week when she said “how did you do at fat club”

[@mariehughey5390]

We were props to my mother. She would preemptively threaten us before going into a grocery store. We were cute little ducklings in a single file behind her. Touching anything or asking for anything never happened. To an outsider we were delightful. Inside I was taught my mother’s comfort and needs were the only important thing. I felt invisible. I was 19 when I realized I was completely out of touch with what I wanted or needed to be an individual. Completely lost. I’m old now. I’ve only known about the narcissistic personality in the last year.

[@lorihoop3831]

Yes, we were perfect little robots in public. WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBORS THINK?" was huge too. Who cares is what I'd say and get in trouble for it. That outward perception is everything. And it's sick

[@TinaBUTCHER-ph1ph]

Same, my mother's needs, wants, desires, comforts and emotions were the only ones that counted, I've said we were property, like a car or a house there only to serve her

[@FreedomAboveAll4]

Omg i need so much strenght to avoid revenge or not to do something bad to them All that abuse and damage they done to me, not repairable damage. I've lost my nerves and patience.

[@jackiep5009]

I feel this way about my ex and the discard - ultimately it’s a blessing but being throw out out of the blue to hurt you is just mean! I pray to God a lot. Telling him how angry I am but Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I have faith he is working on it for me. In a more powerful way than my small.

[@WestchesterLatina]

Was this man in my childhood home??? So glad to be free of the Jedi mind tricks!!!

[@lizarb2245]

Victim mentality is so tough. My dad is such an injustice collector. He finds the smallest perceived slights and then hold onto those for years. It's crazy.

[@mikesmith6594]

My father is either victim or sometimes hero never ever the villain. My father has taken my kindness forgranted!

[@agator2660]

Thank you, this is the best video so far because I realize I have covert narcissistic parents. Otherwise I thought that they were just mildly narcissistic aka less bad than malignant etc. Honestly after seeing how they scored perfectly in all these categories I’m convinced covert is equally bad to malignant if not worse due to taking public approval than is not deserved. My most hated features of covert narcissists are playing victim, triangulation and backhanded compliments - all to manipulate my image growing up to pretty much every one they knew to their benefit and what they would teach me was to my benefit except something was off like almost expired milk taste. Today I’m even more angry but in the long run it’s better to not be deceived to focus on reconstructing a proper world view without a sinking foundation.

[@jonvia]

I recently have been playing more music performances locally which has been amazing because it gives me an outlet publicly for my songwriting other than releases through social media and other online music resources. It has its challenges though like my mom always asking to come see me play. In the past, she has crossed boundaries at my gigs. For example, she is part of a really sketchy MLM/pyramid scheme that is mainly for women and is very cult like in nature. In the past, she has gone to my gigs of mine mainly to recruit women she runs into there for her MLM. Also she went after every female friend or GF Ive had in high school or college age to try and drum up biz. Its disgusting and Ive had to repeat myself all year telling her why Im not inviting family to my shows. This behavior of "I can cross the line with you and still get my way." is textbook narcissism and I cant wait to be in a different area of the country living on my own and performing shows because Im so sick of repeating myself.

[@marilynmanord1790]

I was in my middle 40’s before I realized that my mother was a narcissist. I thank God for my Daddy and my extended family. They allowed me to grow up to become a well adjusted person. This wasn’t discussed at all when I was growing up.I loved my Daddy so much she emotionally abused him as well.

[@Lilyxiia]

Yes, my mother emotionally abused my father too. He was a good man. All the abuse heaped upon me was done when he was at work.

[@screenshotted]

@8:00 they diminish your accomplishments by acting like you succeeded without them and you should be sharing your success with the narcissist. Like you owe something to them because you worked hard and took care of yourself.

[@mm669]

I wonder what percentage of homes have a covert parent? I truly thought my upbringing was normal.

[@CamGoesCamping]

Thank you for the video. Within the last 1.5 years, it has become apparent that my step-MIL may fall into this category. During a visit, she finally let every criticism out that she had, ranging from our choice of coffee that day to our retirement plans to my role as a wife. Triangulating me against my husband and trying to convince him of how he must feel. It was all said because "she cares about us." I was blindsided by this but I shouldn't have been. She was made aware that we were upset after the lecture. She texted multiple apologies to me (somewhat blameshifting) saying she was going to work on more frequent and better communication. After her last apology, we established boundaries and reminded her we aren't children anymore. She didn't respond back after that. It's been over a year since she began silent treatment. Recently, she posted online how she was living her best life and unapologetically removing toxic people.

[@daringgreatly8473]

My mother in law does this to me endlessly. My hubby gets it but doesn’t get it at the same time. It causes so much confusion and negativity because she always has plausible deniability.

[@cynthiahurlburt2819]

Reminds me of adult children of alcoholic parent(s), the covert parent pushing guilt and responsibility onto the child(ren).😢

[@truthtriumphant]

Excellent video,Jerry, like all of them! This one particularly captures the nuanced, underhanded side of covert, narcissistic abuse!

[@peterdeneke8401]

My mother was abused by my dad, but she always played the victim with me and other people and cried to get money from people.

[@AA-iy4gm]

I dont know your situation and don't know what type of abuse, but knowing covert narcissism I wouldn't be surprised if much of that abuse was fabricated, overblown or instigated for the purpose it can serve later, so much is possible with them sometimes that it can be hard to decipher or believe. They sometimes use the spouse as a scapegoat instead of the children until they get separated and then they rotate the golden child/scapegoat roles between the children depending on their mood.

[@Chrystal-nt2wc]

That had to be a crazymaking dynamic. I'm glad you survived. I hope you're healing. Stay strong.🌹

[@TheFilmLocker]

This is my story too. But my father is dead and I have no contact with anyone from his side of the family nor my mothers. I basically grew up with my mother only and no other point of family as a reference. Who knows if what she's told me is true. I've seen the way she twists, ‘forgets’ and tells stories. I don't know what to believe.

[@dameanvil]

00:00 👋 Introduction: Jerry Wise introduces himself as a coach with decades of experience helping individuals grow and detach from their family of origin issues. 00:23 🎭 Covert Narcissism: Covert narcissistic parents appear loving and caring, but conceal their narcissistic behavior behind a facade. 02:02 😔 Victim Mentality: Covert narcissists often portray themselves as victims, eliciting sympathy and making others feel obligated to care for them. 02:41 😢 Guilt Tripping: They guilt trip by constantly reminding their children of the sacrifices made for them, leading to a sense of obligation and neglect of personal needs. 03:39 🤐 Silent Treatment: Covert narcissistic parents use silent treatment as a form of passive-aggressive punishment, causing anxiety and a desperate need for approval. 04:22 😏 Passive Aggression: They express anger indirectly through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and subtle digs, leading to confusion and self-doubt. 06:15 💔 Withholding Love: Love and approval are given conditionally, causing a constant need for validation and struggles with self-worth. 07:04 🎭 Inconsistent Behavior: Their unpredictable behavior keeps children off balance, creating an environment of anxiety and hyper-vigilance. 07:47 👎 Undermining Self-Confidence: Covert narcissists subtly criticize or dismiss achievements, damaging self-esteem and creating feelings of inadequacy. 08:24 🎭 Triangulation: They involve third parties in conflicts, creating division and making their children feel isolated and unsupported. 10:06 🏋️‍♀️ Feigning Helplessness: Covert narcissists pretend to be helpless, burdening their children with responsibilities that hinder their personal growth. 10:54 🛠️ Emotional Exploitation: They manipulate emotions, exploiting empathy and kindness to get their way, leading to emotional exhaustion and self-doubt. 11:53 🛑 Observe, Don’t Absorb: Wise advises learning to observe without absorbing the covert narcissist’s behavior, and trusting one's gut feelings. 12:40 🔄 Internalized Narcissism: It’s important to recognize and eliminate the internalized behaviors learned from the covert narcissist. 13:21 🌱 Self-Building: Shift focus to developing the self that was suppressed, emphasizing self-awareness and self-regulation.

[@monisantini-kelly6581]

💯% my mom. Even the close outsiders realized that. Again, she accomplished an amazing job destroying our lives

[@Samantha-n2b]

Thank you for making these videos. I have a mother and father who are both narcissistic sociopaths who abused me my whole life. My mind blocks it out most times, but hearing the examples you give are so spot on it's like you were there and are telling my story. What's more, in my thirties I had a son and they pretended to care and wanted to help, only to get close enough to be able to use the system to steal him away from me. Now that they have my baby they have completely cut me out. I can only imagine the lies they tell him about me and the damage they are causing to him with their abuse. These videos help me so much in preparing for the possibility that I may have to deal with them at some point again once my son gets older,, and/or helping him to move on and heal from all of their abuse. Thank you again! ❤️

[@carolnahigian9518]

you met my Folks too!

[@rustygnutts6255]

not only "met my parents" but uses events from my childhood (1950s-60s) for many of these videos !! ... just kidding... {sorta :-}

[@Helena-tw7pj]

This topic is so important

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

I married a covertly abusive man- he is vicious and nobody would ever believe.

[@janisloomis1894]

My mother and husband. My husband definitely gives those backhanded comments. He under mines my confidence by questioning everything I do and say casting doubt my way.

[@maggiesalle2256]

I am so sorry!

[@theunboiledfrog1258]

Thank you for this video. I have suspected my mother was a narcissist for a while but she didn’t have the classic signs. Then I started to realise she is a covert narcissist. She does very thing you described here. I have been limited contact and grey rock with her for a few months, but yesterday was Fathers Day here and my father is in palliative care so I had to see her. Sadly I was not feeling emotionally strong and I took her bait and we ended up getting into a disagreement. She accused me of abandoning her and told me all the sacrifices she had made over the years, that she needs me to tell her how wonderful she was caring for my dad. She threw out all the stops. Once I saw what as happening, stopped trying to convince her she had wronged me in any way and just let her go. I reminded her that I had directed her to other support because I knew I was not going to be able to there for her but she dismissed all of those because it is a daughter’s role. She nearly had me convinced I was the narcissist, by telling me I had not given her any empathy during this difficult time.i have she just hadn’t noticed. (She has become fixated empathy because I asked her for empathy not advice when I was not sleeping well, her response was “ I don’t know what you want empathy for”). My brother, the golden child, who has always had better boundaries than me, again can do no wrong. His commitments are always more important than mine. This creates resentment toward him which is not deserved by him. Not sure how things will change once my father passes, as they were very codependent, and she has been a Martyr for the last 4 years caring for him. Additionally I am autistic and find it difficult to communicate with her because she does the vague communication and I need kind but direct information. She never asks me directly, she just lets me know she wants me to offer. I am highly triggers by her texts because they are so hard to interpret and I have never been able to do anything right my entire life. I am slowly getting better, and I will eventually get my family out of me.

[@rubycubez1103]

I'm sorry you went through that. That's a lot. Are you also late diagnosed?

[@melissabird23]

Great list. I’d also add PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. My father has that down to a science.

[@whatthis4366]

My father implicitly and explicitly abuse and ly to me. Your message saved me. Thank you Jerry

[@MindBodyStorm]

💢 Nothing more frustrating than others siding with the abusive parent roles, it never fails......🤬And #7 hit home, it's rough dealing with so called parents shooting down one's self esteem with a got damn smile on their face....

[@michelecooke3594]

My narcissistic cover mom is always playing the victim and playing mind games

[@hannahgrazzini]

Thank you so much for speaking up about this, my mother and father have hurt me so badly but have convinced me that this is normal and that can’t possibly be true because I’m in so much pain and everything is so stressful, my mother is nasty and father has enabled her and hurt me himself. I don’t know what to do.

[@ScottDoler9000]

I keep watching these videos, not to point fingers at the narcissists in my life, but to self reflect and make sure I am not the narcissist. My dad and grandma both have made me feel like a bad human being for not being a "super Christian" if you will. My father is a Baptist preacher and my grandmother might as well be. It runs in the family. I am the black sheep. However, everytime I watch, I am reassured that I am absolutely recovering from lifelong textbook narcissistic abuse from several different angles. My dad is a closet violent bigot and the older he gets, the less he can mask it. If I am narcissistic, I think some of it is "nurtured" and not "natured". I try to be aware of my own actions to not repeat their behavior. I am afraid to have children because I will probably be the cool understanding free spirit parent, and that in itself can backfire. I would never treat my kids like I was treated. I am genetically more like my mother's father than I am my own. He was autistic ... we think. It wasn't a diagnosable condition when he was alive. I have more autistic qualities than I can keep up with. Your videos are great, when I don't think too much into the meaning of them. I am SO used to the finger always being pointed at me, the weird creative one. It's hard for me to grasp that I am actually a decent person.

[@beanallene]

I was raised by 1 covert and 1 grandiose narcissist. As an adult with children of my own, I went to visit my grandma. She has had a very tough life and has spinabifida. My grandma doesn't want anybody to take care of her, but my aunt worries and was asking about the possibility of us moving closer to help out. When I got back, I told my mom about the trip and my grandma's declining health. My mom started complaining about how sick she gets and how her leg hurts and she needs help. It was f*ing ridiculous hearing this woman who is 16 years younger and never had a birth defect complain about how I need to take care of her instead of my grandma. I swear.

[@Karal-lg3nx]

You have no idea what this video has made so very clear to me at this moment especially…thank you Jerry for your time and dedication to share your knowledge with us 🙏

[@ursalaminor8457]

I went to 30 years of Councelling and NOBODY understood these scripts ! It’s unleashing my tears of a clown 🤡 when no one was around. Master humiliators my folks .. both. Masters at deception. Morally crooked. Looking great on the outside. So accomplished as pirates 🏴‍☠️ . THNX

[@ursalaminor8457]

@Jerry_WISE_FANPAGE_REACHOUT hey there… tried to connect on webinar today but electronic malfunction ended it.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

“We have a diet of national narcissism” ~ (Ret) Col Douglas MacGregor (I quite agree sir) The last few years have been insightful on both a national level yet equally and even more importantly-- on a personal level. Tough times reveal much. Tough times reveal character and values or the lack thereof. Be Wise, it matters. Take care and stay safe everyone. May God bless America 🙏 and Jerry, lol.

[@adrianamaclennan7832]

My mother is a covert narc, whereas my late father was just an outright sort of narcissist. But he wasn’t like a total clear one. he was more of a self-defeating egoist Now that he’s gone I actually feel sorry for him, but he did incredible damage and essentially it led to my brothers death. But my mother has been really showing her true colours lately and that’s been something

[@daniellepalm691]

My mother is most likely a covert narcissist. Her sister died and I told my mom how sad i was for her children and how sad i thought it was that she would never see her grandchildren grow up. My mother then talked about how hard this was for HER.....

[@MrMasterDebate]

My covert narcissist grandmother just chose the disabled part of the family…my side, to abuse. She claimed she was “taking care” of my disabled dad after intentionally getting him removed from the family company. She destroyed his entire life. Forced him into a role where he was forced to take care of her to not be homeless, but lied to everyone in the family she was taking care of him. She was horrible. After he died she tried to do it to me. I was on food stamps, disability, my dad just died, and everyone of her kids basically threw me at her requiring me to do it. When it got so hostile that I was having panic attacks and crying all the time I moved out of her house and moved out of the city. I’ve lost every family member because while trying to work and become independent she kept trying to get me fired, and my uncle destroyed my family as a blackmail tool to come back so he didn’t have to take care of her. Despite being the most poor, disabled, and them not being disabled and rich…. My cousins won’t talk to me. This is insane. This is cruel. They keep lying to them that I’m only being asked to talk occasionally, but it immediately escalates to manipulation and abuse. And no one cares. The rich family members just are upset they have to take care of her

[@Latoree33]

The abuse back in the time I was younger. I've had several parents. Any consulting in therapy was totally different 40 years ago. Today the therapy is what it was supposed to be. Majority of adults didn't have the bandwidth to understand the double standards that were set in being a parent.

[@gnyc7284]

Call it counseling.

[@stephaniebacak3928]

To kill the anxiety and depression and anxiousness and not sure I self-medicated

[@wendydaniel1110]

When my covert Narcissist mother gave me " the silent treatment ", it gave me more time truly connecting with my father who was a Sigma empath. I learned more about standing in my power from my dad during all of her manipulative silent treatments. She became jealous of my relationship with my father as a result.. My mother had no control or effect over me and she hated me for it. No regrets. My dad saved me from a lifetime of narcissistic incarceration and terrorism within the family...

[@debbiejahnke8724]

The covert part is so tricky. I’m 49 and just learning about narcissistic families. I’m quite sure both parents and five siblings all have some traits of narcissism. Some more or less and in different ways than others. My parents looked like great people to the outside world. Now passed away ii would never think of bursting that bubble with relatives and childhood friends. I had someone tell me I “should” be a caregiver to my parents. Sure, but you don’t know at what cost it was to me. But explaining that isn’t worth the trouble. I just don’t look to people like that and expect much support or understanding. Actually I think he’s a covert narcissist too. Sometimes these folks get under my skin while the healthier ones don’t draw so much ire. Anyway thanks for the video. Very helpful

[@Raymond-v4c]

My covert narc mother destroyed my 2 sisters made home life so toxic they both moved out at 15 with only grade 9 education barley . She deemed them unruly and needing mental help , all they wanted was to be left alone !! NO chance of that !!hours of verbal and physical abuse weekly. I only made it out cause my high school sweetheart family took me in to finish my education, I owe them a lot .

[@adrianamaclennan7832]

My mother is a covert narc, whereas my late father was just an outright sort of narcissist. But he wasn’t like a total clear one. he was more of a self-defeating egoist Now that he’s gone I actually feel sorry for him, but he did incredible damage and essentially it led to my brothers death. But since I moved and didn’t agree to sharing my whole life in her book- she has completely turned on me and has started a smear campaign, triangulated with my daughter, who is a young teen , and I could go on and on. Even triangulating with my husband who had a fourth stroke and his brain damaged. Bravo to this truly excellent video on covert narcissism I am definitely going to be checking out your group on defining yourself Because that is what I have lost through all of this. At 49 I literally feel like I’m starting from the bottom up.

[@Denise-y2c]

My father was evil, full of rage. I took care of him with alhiemers for years before he died. Mother is alive ,87. Cruel, hateful, Mouth is never quiet. Complains non stop. Im through talking to her. Still, I am her caregiver. I need help leaving. Sooo Need to go NO CONTACT. IF ANYONE READS THIS GO NO CONTACT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FOR YOUR MENTAL& PHYSICAL WELL BEING

[@taliajournee212]

Yup, that's mom! she made my oldest the golden child/parentified and I turned into the scapegoat as the youngest. She definitely clocked out when it came to the 'building self-esteem, preparing you for the adult world' part of parenting -- especially when it came to dating and the opposite sex. She wanted me to have the same limitations she had. She didn't do silent treatment though it was more relentless harassment and telling you how to feel. Thank God I ignored her and thank goodness for great friends. Even now, the family knows nothing about me - why have kids to raise them in such a way?

[@lisaalum]

Thanks!

[@annberlin5811]

Never show your feelings to them

[@alllifematters]

The more and longer im around my narc parent the more i feel like a victim and the more stuck i feel 💜 its such a hard thing 😂 i realize how easily controlled i am by my environment. I gotta get back to yoga, thats the only thing that really helps because its a practice of focus on the self 💜 and focus on the self requires practice in my case

[@prismpyre7653]

This week I watched the recent film adaptation of Stephen King's "It" for the first time (had never read the book or watched the miniseries; not into horror, generally) though I was roughly familiar with it thematically in broad strokes and that people I knew who had survived physical abuse as children found it a powerful allegory; but my narcissistic mother mostly finds physicality to be beneath her and crude, so I wasn't sure how much emotional resonance the story would have for me, as I didn't have any of that in my background either at school or at home. I was blown away for two reasons 1) I realized it was more broadly just about the horror of being a person of conscience and empathy in a world where most people lack it and are content to be complicit in horrible things and crimes against humanity with an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude as is *SO* manifest in this nation right now where we are enabling the starvation, mutilation and torment of a million children who were already effectively born into a prison, and no one seems to care.. but 2) I came to the very disturbing realization that, like my mother.. I found the sort of abuses engaged in by King's primordial antagonist to be, well, almost quaint and crude, despite the supernatural showmanship involved.. I kept wrongly predicting what was going to happen next in the movie... because I was expecting something *WORSE*. Pennywise seemed an almost merciful terror to me, in that it never really bothered to gaslight anyone for more than a few minutes at a time before dropping the facade and going "BOO! J/K FOOL IT'SAME MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" in a fit of atavism. Whereas my mother was no less adept at making ten different people see the world in completely different ways at the same time as it suited her... and she had the patience, discipline and malice to play the llloooooooooooooooooooooooong game.... I don't so much have survivor's _guilt_ as I do survivor's... fear of myself and the ways I had to adapt in order to survive.. but also to appreciate my strength, I guess. ty for all your good work

[@solokaithebologuy]

Narcissism is spiritual, the abuse they cause is physical but the root is from another dimension. That's why we need to pray and fast for them and for ourselves regularly. Narcs are possessed

[@karenrancourt6812]

So many of these are true, especially having two Narcissistic parents

[@DawnDreams]

This video hits the current ruminating question in my head perfectly. Thank you for putting words to it

[@Summerspeaks7]

Currently in the midst of a two week silent treatment because I asked her why she was lying to me when I found out she’s been stealing my mail for my business.

[@christymartin6281]

Thanks for the great video Jerry, so helpful I went no contact with my dad after he sent me a judgmental, condescending letter. Then he sent me a birthday card with a dollar bill with HIS birthday written on it, because I was no contact. Then he left me a message on my birthday saying he didn't want to be my enemy forever. Really? How long, just until Christmas or YOUR birthday???

[@natalia1045]

My mom used to buy me clothes for Christmas that were way too small and I couldn’t even put them on. I remember crying about it (I thought I was fat- but I was never even overweight)because it never even crossed my mind that a loving mother would double check or even buy bigger size because kids grow up fast… it was her doing it intentionally… I can’t still believe it because it’s so malicious… I would never want to my child to feel less 😢

[@djcmission]

I'm a grandparent here. Sorting this out takes patience and maturity on our parts. Sometimes Jerry is talking about how I fell short as a parent. There are multiple personality disorders, emotional disorders, genetic disorders (ASD, ADHD), PTSD that may have affected you and/or your parents too. You need to forthrightly forgive as well as ask for forgiveness to truly make things right. You give Love to get Love. Isn't that a song? Triangulating can be a warning sign. If you need validation in your relationship, look to the principal. Be direct. Fortunately I don't need to deal with a narcissist directly anymore. That helps, but not necessarily everyone else.

[@user-yd2ol9fj2k]

My mother would fluctuate between this (in the video) & out right abuse - she used these tactics as "love" to outweigh the outright abuse

[@laela6289]

“Misinterpreted” that made me laugh lmao 😂

[@mkshouse]

Dad was a covert narcissist but Mom seems to be both covert & overt, depending on what she's trying to get out of me but mostly depending on what she can do to hurt me the most.

[@purpleswavs6063]

This is such a painful conversation, but so necessary for healing and understanding 😢. Thank you !

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome! If you haven’t already, I would love to have you join my free training. You can join herejerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027

[@livininamerica76]

Idk how many of my friends over the years have told me how sweet my mom is and how much they like her. Idk how I’m sane after the last 38 years only but by the grace of the Lord

[@jone7079]

Tysm I now understand the dynamics that I was unable to with my own relationship with my mother. This has been extremely helpful for myself and my own personal growth in this journey - I am 46yrs and still suffer the consequences of my mother's demise - although some of my part has to be addressed, I also see what has set me up on a path of constant failures during my own life through my mother's part of being a covert narcissist and also how to deal with the internalized turmoil going on that I didn't understand before but I do now. Thank-you for sharing your knowledge, I am very grateful.

[@kerryames8784]

This is my mother in-law. Uses issues from over 50 YEARS AGO to guilt and shame my 63 year old husband. If we're in the car and she calls, I cannot say a single word, even to tell him his exit is approaching, or she calls me "the Backdrop. " She used to run an animal rescue but no longer has any of the dogs and is still forever exploiting and manipulating people to do her bidding. Pathetic.

[@Summerspeaks7]

It takes away your will to live. Truly evil

[@LauraWalker-uj2iu]

Thank you for you wisdom and insight ❤️. Your videos have helped me immensely. I was parentified and at 55 recently realized the spell I was under. I used to beat myself up because I was trained be my family to take the blame for everything, Dom my light when I accomplished anything. I’m the only one with a career. I’m the only one who finished high school and went ti college while working and raising my child. I take care of the mother who was my original bully women though I literally almost died died to her neglect when I was a child. When she passes in I will silently celebrate.

[@RunmeiMeek]

Thank you for this channel ❤

[@ohdarling6657]

I had my aunt apologize to me because she didnt know how bad my home life was... the validation i felt from hearing this from someone else when everyone else thinks everything is perfect.. makes me cry even writing this

[@franciscoabanto4542]

My father would give my brother and I the silent treatment for days if he felt like. He'd make us beg for forgiveness or acceptance whenever he felt he wasn't getting the respect he deserved as the breadwinner. It wasn't fun...

[@jankate88]

I like your outfit Jerry, it matches really well.